June 23, 2024 • 31 mins
In this episode, host Jaci Finneman is joined by special guest Whitney Kobran, founder of Dating Done Right. We talk about the challenges single parents face in dating and offer practical advice on how to start dating again.
Whitney doesn't just share insights, she provides practical strategies for navigating online dating, creating a compelling profile, and knowing and loving yourself first. She also discusses the dynamics of masculine and feminine energies, releasing past relationship baggage, and the crucial role of community in the dating journey.
Whether you're recently separated, divorced, widowed or just feeling alone, this episode provides valuable strategies to help you find a fulfilling relationship while balancing the demands of single parenthood. Tune in to learn how to turn your dating problems into "no problem" with expert guidance and support.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. From toddler tantrums to teenage eye rolls,
this podcast is your go-to for updated and old school tips and tools that are
going to help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be.
Do you ever wish there was a specific manual that came with each one of your kids?
(00:23):
I mean, what works for one often doesn't work for the other,
right? And let's face it, we don't know what we don't know.
And even if there was a manual, it probably wouldn't be able to keep up with
all the changes in our world.
Well, this podcast is the next best thing.
I'm your host, Jackie Finneman, a 30-year counselor turned parenting coach.
And I've got a lot to share, including hundreds of resources that you have access
(00:46):
to right from your home and strategies that are going to boost your confidence and energize you.
So whether you're knee-deep in diapers or navigating the tween years,
or you're launching your child into adulthood, subscribe and share this podcast
with your friends, teachers, and daycare providers.
We're going to turn your parenting problems into no problem, one episode at a time.
(01:09):
I think we all crave genuine connections. And for some of us,
that journey begins with finding a partner that we truly connect with.
So today, my special guest is here to shed some light on how we can stop feeling
alone and start building a relationship that you love.
Welcome, Whitney Cobran, to the show. Hi, Jackie. I am so excited to be here.
(01:32):
Thank you so much. Just so happy to have you back. The first time you were here,
and I'm going to put a link in the show notes for that episode as well,
we talked more about your story, but you're the founder of Dating Done Right.
And that's what I want to focus on today. There are plenty of single parents
listening to the show, parents who are maybe separated right now or going through
a divorce or have divorced.
And I really want to pour into those listeners today because I think there are
(01:57):
many mamas and dads out there that are just feeling super alone and like they're
never ever going to find a relationship that is fulfilling to them.
What would you say about that? And how would you be able to share with our listeners
that that is possible, even if you've had a failed relationship or just never
really been in a fulfilling relationship?
(02:17):
How can they find a meaningful connection? Where do we start?
Yes, it is absolutely possible to enjoy dating, to find somebody that really
gets you to have a healthy relationship, even if you've never had one before.
And we live in this modern age now where technology has really taken over the dating scene.
(02:38):
And it was supposed to make things easier, but it's made things very complicated.
And there are so many struggles now with.
Ghosting and the sheer volume of people.
It makes us often treat others like they're not a person, like they're a number.
There's so many people and it's so saturated now.
(02:59):
It reminds me of just going to the local Target and just screaming out, who's single here?
It's hard to find a curated system now to be able to meet people that actually
have similar interests.
And so this is all stuff that I cover in my program.
Like if you're not going to use technology and online dating,
(03:20):
is it still possible to meet someone organically and in person and how to do that?
So it's challenging. It can be a struggle.
There's a lot of people in the dating pool that are not dateable.
It's oversaturated with those people because they keep getting dumped back into the mix.
(03:42):
So it's really important to go into that with resilience, with confidence,
with a strategy, with a support network. work.
Because if you just jump into the deep end of the dating pool,
and I'm sure there are listeners that are like, Oh, yeah, that was me.
I just jumped in, got chewed up and spit out and gave up.
(04:07):
And I hear that story so much. And it really makes me sad because it doesn't have to be that way.
And so what is maybe a first step if somebody is, there's all these online dating
apps, and I think that can just be, I can imagine that being so overwhelming.
You set up your profile, your profile, you create your maybe non-negotiables
(04:29):
or your interests, all the things.
And then all of a sudden, the people start coming into your feed or your inbox,
however that works, and you're like, oh, this sounds so great.
And then you meet them and it's not so great. Right. Like how I can imagine
that just being exhausting to try to filter through all those people and to
weed that out. How do you help in that area?
(04:51):
Yes. So one part is the filtering.
And I highly recommend that you only use an app that requires mutual connection
before you can communicate.
So there are some apps like Plenty of Fish where any person that's on there
can communicate with you, can reach out.
(05:12):
And if you're somebody that's already desirable and average even,
then you'll get a lot of unsolicited messages and it will be overwhelming and
you'll be talking to people that you have no interest in.
And so you want to stick to Hinge or Match.com or some site where you both have
(05:33):
to match with each other. Bumble is another good one.
So that's one way just to right off of the bat limit the overwhelm.
Another is I help people with their profile.
So that's actually a service that I offer. Even if they don't do my whole program,
I will do a online dating jumpstart.
So I'll help you create the profile. I'll help you pick the pictures or tell
(05:57):
you what pictures you need to take if you don't have them.
And you have to be really clear about what you want.
And this is really one of the very first steps.
And so many people get it wrong because they go, you know, you've been in relationships
that didn't work out. So you know what you don't want.
(06:17):
And a lot of people start getting really picky about who they want to date.
You know, it's like if you dated someone that was unhealthy,
you're really adamant that this person has to be healthy.
But what I recommend is that you actually envision the relationship that you
want, not just the person that you want, because a lot of, especially women
(06:40):
will get caught up on their list.
He has to be six feet tall, six figure income, six pack abs,
like whatever their list is.
It's, it's this big, impressive guy that they're after.
And so far there's nothing wrong wrong with that. You do want to be clear about
who you want and who you don't want.
But here's where the problem can come in, is you could meet that guy who is everything on paper.
(07:06):
He has all of that, but he's not treating you well. He's not pursuing you.
He's not that interested.
And it makes you feel like crap.
And when you have the intention and vision of the future relationship you want
instead of the future person you want, it becomes much easier to determine,
(07:27):
could this person fit in my future ideal relationship or not?
So that's one important step.
And then the filtering. So knowing what to look for, what not to look for.
And it's hard because so many people, they don't put much in their profile and
they haven't given it much thought.
(07:48):
And they have a couple of random selfies that they happen to have in their phone library.
You don't have enough information. So you want to have a few little questions
that you can ask to filter because maybe you want to figure out what is really
important to you as far as values, right?
Do you value vacations? Do you value being thrifty?
(08:11):
Do you value new food experiences?
Like, these are the kind of things that really equate to compatibility with
a partner is that you enjoy the same things that you place value on the same things.
You don't have to have everything in common and have all the same interests
because you both need to eventually have a life separate from each other also.
(08:34):
So these are some of the tips that I would give to people that are just starting
out and trying to get out there and date.
Also, online is not dating. So online dating is not actually dating.
Online dating is simply a way to meet people that you could potentially date.
(08:54):
So don't get caught up in having hours-long conversations over text with people.
Don't have big expectations for somebody that you've never met yet.
It's really important that you think of dating as meeting people in person or
having phone conversations or even video chats.
That's so much more real. And that's the goal.
(09:17):
I have on my website a free gift that is how to get more in real life dates from dating apps.
And so if you're trying out the online dating thing and you're just not meeting
anybody in person, try that.
It matters when you meet someone, how the vibes feel, how the chemistry is, their pheromones.
(09:40):
These are all really important things.
I would also say, when in doubt, out, talk to somebody or meet someone.
I think we cut people off often at the very beginning based on sort of arbitrary things.
So I would say give people a chance if you're on the fence. If they're a definite
no, they're a definite no. Don't waste your time.
(10:02):
But we need practice dating.
I know a lot of people when they come out of a marriage, they haven't dated anyone for 10, 20 years.
And you need practice. You often don't just go out and meet someone and end up with them.
So you want to be clear about what stage you're at too.
(10:23):
So I often get the question, when do I know that I'm ready to date?
And I think there are stages.
I was just going to ask that. Just because you really want a partner,
you're lonely, you're kind of tired of being alone.
Does that mean you're actually ready to date or are there some things you need
to do to help yourself become ready to date?
(10:45):
If you understand the stage that you're at, I know a lot of people will start
dating when they're separated and not divorced.
And that can be a tricky area, very tricky.
And if that's you, if you really want to get out there and you really want to start dating.
And, you know, I know a lot of people have a bit of a revolution,
(11:08):
sexual revolution after divorce.
Maybe that's something that someone is after. And I'm not here to judge anyone
or tell them what to do or how to do it as long as it works for you.
But we do have to be really clear.
If you are not ready for a relationship, but you're going out to date and meet people, just be honest.
(11:28):
Don't lead people on. Don't give them the wrong impression.
Let them know what you need. And also for yourself, know that that's probably
not going to be super fulfilling, that it might even leave you feeling worse off than before.
So you want to be at least preparing yourself and ready for what you are going into.
(11:51):
And with those stages, they evolve.
So you might be just looking to meet people and not do anything serious at first,
and then you get into, okay, I'm ready to date.
And then you might feel more ready to actually start a relationship.
So you actually, through your program, you're helping people work on those sort
(12:13):
of practical dating skills that they don't even,
I don't even know if a lot of us knew what those dating skills were when we
were younger and first started dating.
How do you even start coaching a single person that's looking to date?
So when I work with people in my program, it's three months and I take them through five steps.
(12:33):
So the first step is to know and love yourself. and
most people might think that they know themselves but
there's always more that they discover we
go deep into understanding who you are at your essence
who you are when you're in your coping
mechanisms and survival strategies and what's
in your shadow what's lurking in there that could you know
(12:56):
potentially come out to the surface and either harm you or help you but it's
It's important to shine the light on all of those parts to really know yourself
because you will know what type of partner is a good fit for you based on how
well you know yourself and how well you can communicate about yourself to other people.
And also with self-love, most people think that they love themselves,
(13:20):
but yet when it really comes down to it, you are harder on yourself than you
are on anybody else, right?
The guilt, the shame, the judgments, the lack of acceptance,
whether it's the physical body or our personal qualities and traits,
or just feeling like we haven't been successful enough, we're often really hard on ourselves.
(13:44):
And there's a lot of talk about self-care and self-care is great.
But if you are getting manicures and pedicures and saying, well,
I take care of myself, I love myself. But then as soon as you make a mistake,
you're mean and harsh and say, oh, I'm such an idiot.
I'm the worst. Then there's definitely room for improvement in self-love.
(14:05):
And we are limited in how much we can accept love from others and how much we
can love others by how much we love ourselves.
So you're talking about, so this is the dating done right kind of framework
for the 90 day program. It's these five steps.
Know and love yourself is number one. What's number two?
Number two is all about polarity and passion.
(14:26):
So this is understanding masculine
and feminine energies and polarity and how they play in together.
And a lot of people aren't learning this these days.
It's sort of gone out the window with our feminist movement, but it's still there.
Whether we want to admit it and acknowledge it or not, it's like gravity.
(14:48):
It's a law of nature. It is just there.
And the way that I coach people through this is I will never tell someone,
you have to be more feminine or you have to be more masculine.
But we look at what do you want in the relationship and what kind of partner
do you want and how do you want them to have their role?
(15:09):
And then we have to look at it and say, you can't both be in the same position.
You can't both be the leader. You know, if you're trying to put together a piece
of IKEA furniture with your partner, there's hundreds of different ways to do
it. Right. They don't even tell you specifically.
They just say, yep, this is what has to get done. And so every single person
(15:31):
will have a different approach and a different opinion.
And if you and your partner don't have some sort of agreement where,
you know what, I'm going to let you take the lead on this project,
and I'm going to support you, and I'm going to let you lead,
that project will get done so much faster. You'll get along so much better.
But if you're both trying to say, no, it's this way. No, it's that way.
(15:54):
No, I'm right. No, do it my way.
You will just continuously fight. And I think that's such an important analogy
in relationships in general and understanding this masculine-feminine dynamic
because so many times we're all just fighting each other for the same position
instead of learning how to work well together.
I can imagine that would be a tricky thing to master if you've been alone for
(16:20):
a long time, and then you're welcoming somebody else into your life and building
a relationship with them.
I could imagine it being kind of hard to give up some control,
or it would feel like a loss of control.
So much. Yes, you're so right. And remember, human nature is like a pendulum, right?
It swings from one extreme to the other. So maybe you were in a relationship
(16:43):
where you felt really controlled and you needed to break out and be free and be independent.
So you go swing all the way over here. And then it's like, nobody's telling me what to do.
I'm all by myself. I'm independent. I could take care of myself.
And really what relationships require is somewhere in the healthy medium, right?
Where you can stand on your own two feet, but you can also ask for help and receive help.
(17:08):
There's a lot of single parents that don't want to receive help from anybody.
And they kind of have this, and I've been there, right? I'm not here looking
at single parents and judging them.
I have so much empathy and so much care and so much love for single parents.
I was a single parent a few different times, and it's hard to do everything on your own.
(17:34):
And then it's like, Just when someone finally feels like they're managing it
and they get it, they have this love partner that comes in and wants to change things, right?
It wants to tell you that you're parenting wrong or you're doing this wrong.
And so it's definitely tricky, but there are ways to navigate it that allow
(17:55):
for a little bit of flexibility while still having your own boundaries.
And I work with so many women that have sort of lost touch with their feminine energy.
They might still have feminine qualities, but in an energy, it's really about
this give and take and pushing versus relaxing.
(18:15):
Taxing and a lot of women have sort
of walls up against being feminine because they think that it's
weakness or they think that it means giving up
power and it's just so far from the
truth because in our femininity we have a unique special power that men don't
have and when it comes to most things in life women need to rely on our masculine
(18:41):
energy or our you know it doesn't have have to be gender related.
It could just be the yang, the yang energy, the doing, the pushing.
And yet in our relationships, that will often backfire.
Because they're pushing too hard. They're trying to take the lead.
They're trying to be the, you know, where is this going?
(19:03):
What are we doing? You know, putting pressure on their partner.
So it's kind of, now that I know what I know, it's simple, but it often seems
kind of complicated at first.
So I think it's so important for people to understand that masculine-feminine
polarity dynamic and how it works.
(19:24):
That if you want this kind of partner, you don't need to be that to attract that.
You need to actually be somewhat the opposite to pull that in, if that makes sense.
That makes a lot of sense. That's really good. All right, number three.
So then we go through releasing the unwanted past.
So we all have a past, right? And if you're a single parent,
(19:46):
you definitely have a past.
You have your kid's other parent, you have relationships in your past.
And the problem with that is what are you taking with you?
What sort of limiting beliefs or fears or old patterns, triggers are you taking
(20:06):
with you into your dating, into your relationships?
And it's really important to clean house because if you had a partner that maybe
they were never followed through on anything, right?
Let's say you've been with a partner and that was their pattern and you just
always had to push them and always had to step up and take care of everything.
(20:29):
Well, most likely you're going to go into all your new relationships with that
same energy and you are going to attract exactly what you already had.
And so people don't realize that you need to change and not because you need to change,
but because life is an evolution and life is dynamic and there's always going
(20:50):
to be necessity to ebb and flow and evolve.
So it's not that there's anything wrong with the person or They have to fix themselves.
It's just let's take a step back and get a picture of the larger picture.
And this is part of the reason why I love your work so much,
(21:13):
because it all starts with presence of mind.
It all starts with consciousness. We can't implement anything that we've learned
until we take a pause and actually consciously try to do that.
Also, we can't just say to ourselves, I'm going to be different or this is going to be different.
(21:37):
There is power in our words, but it's only so much. So part of my program that
I think makes it unique is that I also involve embodiment.
So we take the knowledge and the realizations and the reframed beliefs and affirmations
and all of that, and then we actually bring it into a physical practice.
(21:59):
So movement of the body, letting things sink in, letting yourself feel that
instead of just knowing it.
An example I can give is if I tell you about a roller coaster,
like at Universal Studios Orlando, there's the Hulk coaster and it shoots you up really fast.
And then you go whooping around the curve and you go upside down.
(22:23):
It's a very different experience to just talk about it or know about it than
to actually live it and experience it.
So that's part of what I do is I help people actually experience and practice
a new way of being instead of just talking about it. Because you could go read a book.
(22:44):
And I haven't written this all out in a book yet, but I have read so many amazing
books about dating and relationships.
And there's so much information out there. You could just read it,
but it's not going to make a difference until you actually learn how to become it and practice it.
So then after we've cleaned house of what is not serving you and what is not
(23:08):
working, what you don't want to
carry with you, then we can add in the new skills and the new practices.
So I actually start a lot with the personal work and knowing and loving yourself
and getting yourself ready and resilient and being clear about what you want.
And then we start dating.
So a lot of people that come to work with me, they're not dating yet.
(23:31):
They're like not ready. They started and got chewed up and spit out and said, no way, I'm not doing it.
And I actually encourage that. I encourage taking a break so that we can get clear and focus.
And then when you go out to date, it's such a better experience. It's actually fun.
And you start attracting people that you enjoy hanging out with.
(23:54):
And I say never plan a first date that's going to last more than an hour.
You could spend an hour with just about anyone.
If you are a single parent that's busy, there are actually co-ops popping up,
like babysitting co-ops.
If you have friends or neighbors that can watch the kids for just a little bit,
(24:18):
if you have family, it's so hard to do everything on your own.
And that's a big barrier to dating and finding a partner and finding love is
that a lot of people say, well, I don't have time because I have to be with my kids.
And so I just want to offer, you know, if it's possible, if you can find somebody
(24:39):
to take the kids, like go on a date, get out there, dress up, do something fun.
Single parent households, statistically, there are many struggles.
And if you can be in a a relationship that's healthy and happy and fulfilling,
it will add so much to your kid's life.
(25:01):
So while going on this date Friday night might feel selfish,
or you might have some guilt about leaving your kids with someone and going
on a date, in the long run, you might actually be doing something good for them.
I know that my life was massively enhanced because of my stepdad and my mom
(25:21):
having a stable relationship.
I think my relationship with my dad was way better because he had a wife and was married.
So I just want to encourage people that are feeling really down about love and
relationships and feeling like it's never gonna work and I'm better off alone,
(25:41):
that you're better off alone than in an unhealthy relationship,
but learning how to have a healthy, fulfilling, awesome relationship.
And having that in your life is hands down so much better than trying to do
it all alone. I couldn't agree more.
And I like that you say, I mean, this takes the pressure off of dating too.
(26:04):
When you say the first date, like first meeting, the first meet and greet is one hour.
And I think that's really cool because if you do hit it off with the person,
you've still set that parameter of one hour.
And now you've created some curiosity, excitement, and energy around scheduling
another time to meet with that person.
But it's almost like, let's not just jump all in right away.
(26:27):
Let's do the dance a little bit.
And in the meanwhile, be practicing some of the new skills that you've learned in step four.
Okay, so step five. So step five is all about community.
So this is really woven through the whole program.
Anyone that does my coaching, if they do an individual one-on-one coaching plan,
(26:49):
they can still be part of my community or I do group programs.
And it's just been so lovely to see the relationships that come out between
different women that are connecting on various levels.
And it really does take a community to get us through this and to share our
experiences, learn from each other, have an opportunity to be seen and heard and witnessed.
(27:16):
These are all really important things. And when it comes to dating,
having friends to go out with is important.
Men are typically better judges of character of other men, and women will be
better judges of character of other women.
So if you're dating a man, pay attention to what other men say about him or vice versa, right?
(27:41):
It's like you could picture a man dating a woman that is hot, but crazy.
And all his guy friends are like, yeah, man, good job. She's so hot.
But other girls will be like, oh my God, she's not good.
She's crazy. And some people will have their own opinions that we need to just not listen to.
(28:01):
But if you have someone that you trust, a family member, a good friend.
You want other people to meet your potential partners as well.
So this whole idea of community, we're in an epidemic of loneliness right now.
Everybody's afraid to make that first move and reach out and introduce themselves.
(28:22):
And so I just want to encourage everybody, if you feel shy about going somewhere
by yourself or going to a meetup event or a singles event,
just think that everybody else is just as scared and shy as you are.
And so by you being someone that's willing to offer the olive branch or the
handshake, that you might be really not only adding more to your life,
(28:48):
but adding more to those people's lives as well.
Well, and again, Whitney, this is why I like having you in my corner,
because I'm all about helping parents become the confident leader that I say our kids crave us to be.
And we are more confident when we feel like we know what we're doing,
when we have a grip on things, or we're like, at least we know that we're prepared.
(29:09):
Again, and that's step two, prepared. So we're seeking for us to understand
we're prepared, and then we're changing the conversation. You're doing all of
that in this Dating Done Right program, helping people become confident in their dating ventures.
And so you're helping them overcome fear of rejection.
That's a big one. Like, oh my gosh, you might be excited. And then you're like,
but what if I get rejected?
(29:31):
And then all the negative self-talk comes in. But with coaching with you,
that's addressed. That's taken care of. That's acknowledged. It's validated.
And then you're learning a new skill to put that aside. and then building that
confidence and the trust that you need to be able to start dating again, right?
So you can go to WhitneyCobrin, K-O-B-R-I-N.com to learn more information about
(29:54):
the Dating Done Right program.
And then you also have an app. Tell us really quick a little bit about that.
Yes. So the app is called Love Coach In My Pocket.
If you search the app store, if you search my name, Whitney Cobrin, it will come up.
And in this app, I have the community for women.
And I have courses that you can start watching for free just to begin your journey
(30:16):
and start learning about these skills.
Awesome. I love it. You're a wealth of resources and knowledge and support and
validation and just excitement around dating again.
So single parents check out Whitney Cobran.com.
There is always hope and possibility in building and having the relationship
that you crave and that you deserve.
(30:38):
And again, as you said, kids really benefit from that as well,
even if they don't even know you're dating.
They're going to see that difference in their parents. So thanks again for joining
me today. Yes, thank you so much, Jackie. It was great.
All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast.
Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode,
(31:00):
click the subscribe button And share it with other parents who might need a little boost.
Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents for more parenting
tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without
losing your cool. Go to NoProblemParents.com.
Until next time, remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks.
(31:22):
So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember, you got this.
Music.
Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. From toddler tantrums to teenage eye rolls,
this podcast is your go-to for updated and old school tips and tools that are
going to help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be.
Do you ever wish there was a specific manual that came with each one of your kids?
(00:23):
I mean, what works for one often doesn't work for the other,
right? And let's face it, we don't know what we don't know.
And even if there was a manual, it probably wouldn't be able to keep up with
all the changes in our world.
Well, this podcast is the next best thing.
I'm your host, Jackie Finneman, a 30-year counselor turned parenting coach.
And I've got a lot to share, including hundreds of resources that you have access
(00:46):
to right from your home and strategies that are going to boost your confidence and energize you.
So whether you're knee-deep in diapers or navigating the tween years,
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(01:09):
I think we all crave genuine connections. And for some of us,
that journey begins with finding a partner that we truly connect with.
So today, my special guest is here to shed some light on how we can stop feeling
alone and start building a relationship that you love.
Welcome, Whitney Cobran, to the show. Hi, Jackie. I am so excited to be here.
(01:32):
Thank you so much. Just so happy to have you back. The first time you were here,
and I'm going to put a link in the show notes for that episode as well,
we talked more about your story, but you're the founder of Dating Done Right.
And that's what I want to focus on today. There are plenty of single parents
listening to the show, parents who are maybe separated right now or going through
a divorce or have divorced.
And I really want to pour into those listeners today because I think there are
(01:57):
many mamas and dads out there that are just feeling super alone and like they're
never ever going to find a relationship that is fulfilling to them.
What would you say about that? And how would you be able to share with our listeners
that that is possible, even if you've had a failed relationship or just never
really been in a fulfilling relationship?
(02:17):
How can they find a meaningful connection? Where do we start?
Yes, it is absolutely possible to enjoy dating, to find somebody that really
gets you to have a healthy relationship, even if you've never had one before.
And we live in this modern age now where technology has really taken over the dating scene.
(02:38):
And it was supposed to make things easier, but it's made things very complicated.
And there are so many struggles now with.
Ghosting and the sheer volume of people.
It makes us often treat others like they're not a person, like they're a number.
There's so many people and it's so saturated now.
(02:59):
It reminds me of just going to the local Target and just screaming out, who's single here?
It's hard to find a curated system now to be able to meet people that actually
have similar interests.
And so this is all stuff that I cover in my program.
Like if you're not going to use technology and online dating,
(03:20):
is it still possible to meet someone organically and in person and how to do that?
So it's challenging. It can be a struggle.
There's a lot of people in the dating pool that are not dateable.
It's oversaturated with those people because they keep getting dumped back into the mix.
(03:42):
So it's really important to go into that with resilience, with confidence,
with a strategy, with a support network. work.
Because if you just jump into the deep end of the dating pool,
and I'm sure there are listeners that are like, Oh, yeah, that was me.
I just jumped in, got chewed up and spit out and gave up.
(04:07):
And I hear that story so much. And it really makes me sad because it doesn't have to be that way.
And so what is maybe a first step if somebody is, there's all these online dating
apps, and I think that can just be, I can imagine that being so overwhelming.
You set up your profile, your profile, you create your maybe non-negotiables
(04:29):
or your interests, all the things.
And then all of a sudden, the people start coming into your feed or your inbox,
however that works, and you're like, oh, this sounds so great.
And then you meet them and it's not so great. Right. Like how I can imagine
that just being exhausting to try to filter through all those people and to
weed that out. How do you help in that area?
(04:51):
Yes. So one part is the filtering.
And I highly recommend that you only use an app that requires mutual connection
before you can communicate.
So there are some apps like Plenty of Fish where any person that's on there
can communicate with you, can reach out.
(05:12):
And if you're somebody that's already desirable and average even,
then you'll get a lot of unsolicited messages and it will be overwhelming and
you'll be talking to people that you have no interest in.
And so you want to stick to Hinge or Match.com or some site where you both have
(05:33):
to match with each other. Bumble is another good one.
So that's one way just to right off of the bat limit the overwhelm.
Another is I help people with their profile.
So that's actually a service that I offer. Even if they don't do my whole program,
I will do a online dating jumpstart.
So I'll help you create the profile. I'll help you pick the pictures or tell
(05:57):
you what pictures you need to take if you don't have them.
And you have to be really clear about what you want.
And this is really one of the very first steps.
And so many people get it wrong because they go, you know, you've been in relationships
that didn't work out. So you know what you don't want.
(06:17):
And a lot of people start getting really picky about who they want to date.
You know, it's like if you dated someone that was unhealthy,
you're really adamant that this person has to be healthy.
But what I recommend is that you actually envision the relationship that you
want, not just the person that you want, because a lot of, especially women
(06:40):
will get caught up on their list.
He has to be six feet tall, six figure income, six pack abs,
like whatever their list is.
It's, it's this big, impressive guy that they're after.
And so far there's nothing wrong wrong with that. You do want to be clear about
who you want and who you don't want.
But here's where the problem can come in, is you could meet that guy who is everything on paper.
(07:06):
He has all of that, but he's not treating you well. He's not pursuing you.
He's not that interested.
And it makes you feel like crap.
And when you have the intention and vision of the future relationship you want
instead of the future person you want, it becomes much easier to determine,
(07:27):
could this person fit in my future ideal relationship or not?
So that's one important step.
And then the filtering. So knowing what to look for, what not to look for.
And it's hard because so many people, they don't put much in their profile and
they haven't given it much thought.
(07:48):
And they have a couple of random selfies that they happen to have in their phone library.
You don't have enough information. So you want to have a few little questions
that you can ask to filter because maybe you want to figure out what is really
important to you as far as values, right?
Do you value vacations? Do you value being thrifty?
(08:11):
Do you value new food experiences?
Like, these are the kind of things that really equate to compatibility with
a partner is that you enjoy the same things that you place value on the same things.
You don't have to have everything in common and have all the same interests
because you both need to eventually have a life separate from each other also.
(08:34):
So these are some of the tips that I would give to people that are just starting
out and trying to get out there and date.
Also, online is not dating. So online dating is not actually dating.
Online dating is simply a way to meet people that you could potentially date.
(08:54):
So don't get caught up in having hours-long conversations over text with people.
Don't have big expectations for somebody that you've never met yet.
It's really important that you think of dating as meeting people in person or
having phone conversations or even video chats.
That's so much more real. And that's the goal.
(09:17):
I have on my website a free gift that is how to get more in real life dates from dating apps.
And so if you're trying out the online dating thing and you're just not meeting
anybody in person, try that.
It matters when you meet someone, how the vibes feel, how the chemistry is, their pheromones.
(09:40):
These are all really important things.
I would also say, when in doubt, out, talk to somebody or meet someone.
I think we cut people off often at the very beginning based on sort of arbitrary things.
So I would say give people a chance if you're on the fence. If they're a definite
no, they're a definite no. Don't waste your time.
(10:02):
But we need practice dating.
I know a lot of people when they come out of a marriage, they haven't dated anyone for 10, 20 years.
And you need practice. You often don't just go out and meet someone and end up with them.
So you want to be clear about what stage you're at too.
(10:23):
So I often get the question, when do I know that I'm ready to date?
And I think there are stages.
I was just going to ask that. Just because you really want a partner,
you're lonely, you're kind of tired of being alone.
Does that mean you're actually ready to date or are there some things you need
to do to help yourself become ready to date?
(10:45):
If you understand the stage that you're at, I know a lot of people will start
dating when they're separated and not divorced.
And that can be a tricky area, very tricky.
And if that's you, if you really want to get out there and you really want to start dating.
And, you know, I know a lot of people have a bit of a revolution,
(11:08):
sexual revolution after divorce.
Maybe that's something that someone is after. And I'm not here to judge anyone
or tell them what to do or how to do it as long as it works for you.
But we do have to be really clear.
If you are not ready for a relationship, but you're going out to date and meet people, just be honest.
(11:28):
Don't lead people on. Don't give them the wrong impression.
Let them know what you need. And also for yourself, know that that's probably
not going to be super fulfilling, that it might even leave you feeling worse off than before.
So you want to be at least preparing yourself and ready for what you are going into.
(11:51):
And with those stages, they evolve.
So you might be just looking to meet people and not do anything serious at first,
and then you get into, okay, I'm ready to date.
And then you might feel more ready to actually start a relationship.
So you actually, through your program, you're helping people work on those sort
(12:13):
of practical dating skills that they don't even,
I don't even know if a lot of us knew what those dating skills were when we
were younger and first started dating.
How do you even start coaching a single person that's looking to date?
So when I work with people in my program, it's three months and I take them through five steps.
(12:33):
So the first step is to know and love yourself. and
most people might think that they know themselves but
there's always more that they discover we
go deep into understanding who you are at your essence
who you are when you're in your coping
mechanisms and survival strategies and what's
in your shadow what's lurking in there that could you know
(12:56):
potentially come out to the surface and either harm you or help you but it's
It's important to shine the light on all of those parts to really know yourself
because you will know what type of partner is a good fit for you based on how
well you know yourself and how well you can communicate about yourself to other people.
And also with self-love, most people think that they love themselves,
(13:20):
but yet when it really comes down to it, you are harder on yourself than you
are on anybody else, right?
The guilt, the shame, the judgments, the lack of acceptance,
whether it's the physical body or our personal qualities and traits,
or just feeling like we haven't been successful enough, we're often really hard on ourselves.
(13:44):
And there's a lot of talk about self-care and self-care is great.
But if you are getting manicures and pedicures and saying, well,
I take care of myself, I love myself. But then as soon as you make a mistake,
you're mean and harsh and say, oh, I'm such an idiot.
I'm the worst. Then there's definitely room for improvement in self-love.
(14:05):
And we are limited in how much we can accept love from others and how much we
can love others by how much we love ourselves.
So you're talking about, so this is the dating done right kind of framework
for the 90 day program. It's these five steps.
Know and love yourself is number one. What's number two?
Number two is all about polarity and passion.
(14:26):
So this is understanding masculine
and feminine energies and polarity and how they play in together.
And a lot of people aren't learning this these days.
It's sort of gone out the window with our feminist movement, but it's still there.
Whether we want to admit it and acknowledge it or not, it's like gravity.
(14:48):
It's a law of nature. It is just there.
And the way that I coach people through this is I will never tell someone,
you have to be more feminine or you have to be more masculine.
But we look at what do you want in the relationship and what kind of partner
do you want and how do you want them to have their role?
(15:09):
And then we have to look at it and say, you can't both be in the same position.
You can't both be the leader. You know, if you're trying to put together a piece
of IKEA furniture with your partner, there's hundreds of different ways to do
it. Right. They don't even tell you specifically.
They just say, yep, this is what has to get done. And so every single person
(15:31):
will have a different approach and a different opinion.
And if you and your partner don't have some sort of agreement where,
you know what, I'm going to let you take the lead on this project,
and I'm going to support you, and I'm going to let you lead,
that project will get done so much faster. You'll get along so much better.
But if you're both trying to say, no, it's this way. No, it's that way.
(15:54):
No, I'm right. No, do it my way.
You will just continuously fight. And I think that's such an important analogy
in relationships in general and understanding this masculine-feminine dynamic
because so many times we're all just fighting each other for the same position
instead of learning how to work well together.
I can imagine that would be a tricky thing to master if you've been alone for
(16:20):
a long time, and then you're welcoming somebody else into your life and building
a relationship with them.
I could imagine it being kind of hard to give up some control,
or it would feel like a loss of control.
So much. Yes, you're so right. And remember, human nature is like a pendulum, right?
It swings from one extreme to the other. So maybe you were in a relationship
(16:43):
where you felt really controlled and you needed to break out and be free and be independent.
So you go swing all the way over here. And then it's like, nobody's telling me what to do.
I'm all by myself. I'm independent. I could take care of myself.
And really what relationships require is somewhere in the healthy medium, right?
Where you can stand on your own two feet, but you can also ask for help and receive help.
(17:08):
There's a lot of single parents that don't want to receive help from anybody.
And they kind of have this, and I've been there, right? I'm not here looking
at single parents and judging them.
I have so much empathy and so much care and so much love for single parents.
I was a single parent a few different times, and it's hard to do everything on your own.
(17:34):
And then it's like, Just when someone finally feels like they're managing it
and they get it, they have this love partner that comes in and wants to change things, right?
It wants to tell you that you're parenting wrong or you're doing this wrong.
And so it's definitely tricky, but there are ways to navigate it that allow
(17:55):
for a little bit of flexibility while still having your own boundaries.
And I work with so many women that have sort of lost touch with their feminine energy.
They might still have feminine qualities, but in an energy, it's really about
this give and take and pushing versus relaxing.
(18:15):
Taxing and a lot of women have sort
of walls up against being feminine because they think that it's
weakness or they think that it means giving up
power and it's just so far from the
truth because in our femininity we have a unique special power that men don't
have and when it comes to most things in life women need to rely on our masculine
(18:41):
energy or our you know it doesn't have have to be gender related.
It could just be the yang, the yang energy, the doing, the pushing.
And yet in our relationships, that will often backfire.
Because they're pushing too hard. They're trying to take the lead.
They're trying to be the, you know, where is this going?
(19:03):
What are we doing? You know, putting pressure on their partner.
So it's kind of, now that I know what I know, it's simple, but it often seems
kind of complicated at first.
So I think it's so important for people to understand that masculine-feminine
polarity dynamic and how it works.
(19:24):
That if you want this kind of partner, you don't need to be that to attract that.
You need to actually be somewhat the opposite to pull that in, if that makes sense.
That makes a lot of sense. That's really good. All right, number three.
So then we go through releasing the unwanted past.
So we all have a past, right? And if you're a single parent,
(19:46):
you definitely have a past.
You have your kid's other parent, you have relationships in your past.
And the problem with that is what are you taking with you?
What sort of limiting beliefs or fears or old patterns, triggers are you taking
(20:06):
with you into your dating, into your relationships?
And it's really important to clean house because if you had a partner that maybe
they were never followed through on anything, right?
Let's say you've been with a partner and that was their pattern and you just
always had to push them and always had to step up and take care of everything.
(20:29):
Well, most likely you're going to go into all your new relationships with that
same energy and you are going to attract exactly what you already had.
And so people don't realize that you need to change and not because you need to change,
but because life is an evolution and life is dynamic and there's always going
(20:50):
to be necessity to ebb and flow and evolve.
So it's not that there's anything wrong with the person or They have to fix themselves.
It's just let's take a step back and get a picture of the larger picture.
And this is part of the reason why I love your work so much,
(21:13):
because it all starts with presence of mind.
It all starts with consciousness. We can't implement anything that we've learned
until we take a pause and actually consciously try to do that.
Also, we can't just say to ourselves, I'm going to be different or this is going to be different.
(21:37):
There is power in our words, but it's only so much. So part of my program that
I think makes it unique is that I also involve embodiment.
So we take the knowledge and the realizations and the reframed beliefs and affirmations
and all of that, and then we actually bring it into a physical practice.
(21:59):
So movement of the body, letting things sink in, letting yourself feel that
instead of just knowing it.
An example I can give is if I tell you about a roller coaster,
like at Universal Studios Orlando, there's the Hulk coaster and it shoots you up really fast.
And then you go whooping around the curve and you go upside down.
(22:23):
It's a very different experience to just talk about it or know about it than
to actually live it and experience it.
So that's part of what I do is I help people actually experience and practice
a new way of being instead of just talking about it. Because you could go read a book.
(22:44):
And I haven't written this all out in a book yet, but I have read so many amazing
books about dating and relationships.
And there's so much information out there. You could just read it,
but it's not going to make a difference until you actually learn how to become it and practice it.
So then after we've cleaned house of what is not serving you and what is not
(23:08):
working, what you don't want to
carry with you, then we can add in the new skills and the new practices.
So I actually start a lot with the personal work and knowing and loving yourself
and getting yourself ready and resilient and being clear about what you want.
And then we start dating.
So a lot of people that come to work with me, they're not dating yet.
(23:31):
They're like not ready. They started and got chewed up and spit out and said, no way, I'm not doing it.
And I actually encourage that. I encourage taking a break so that we can get clear and focus.
And then when you go out to date, it's such a better experience. It's actually fun.
And you start attracting people that you enjoy hanging out with.
(23:54):
And I say never plan a first date that's going to last more than an hour.
You could spend an hour with just about anyone.
If you are a single parent that's busy, there are actually co-ops popping up,
like babysitting co-ops.
If you have friends or neighbors that can watch the kids for just a little bit,
(24:18):
if you have family, it's so hard to do everything on your own.
And that's a big barrier to dating and finding a partner and finding love is
that a lot of people say, well, I don't have time because I have to be with my kids.
And so I just want to offer, you know, if it's possible, if you can find somebody
(24:39):
to take the kids, like go on a date, get out there, dress up, do something fun.
Single parent households, statistically, there are many struggles.
And if you can be in a a relationship that's healthy and happy and fulfilling,
it will add so much to your kid's life.
(25:01):
So while going on this date Friday night might feel selfish,
or you might have some guilt about leaving your kids with someone and going
on a date, in the long run, you might actually be doing something good for them.
I know that my life was massively enhanced because of my stepdad and my mom
(25:21):
having a stable relationship.
I think my relationship with my dad was way better because he had a wife and was married.
So I just want to encourage people that are feeling really down about love and
relationships and feeling like it's never gonna work and I'm better off alone,
(25:41):
that you're better off alone than in an unhealthy relationship,
but learning how to have a healthy, fulfilling, awesome relationship.
And having that in your life is hands down so much better than trying to do
it all alone. I couldn't agree more.
And I like that you say, I mean, this takes the pressure off of dating too.
(26:04):
When you say the first date, like first meeting, the first meet and greet is one hour.
And I think that's really cool because if you do hit it off with the person,
you've still set that parameter of one hour.
And now you've created some curiosity, excitement, and energy around scheduling
another time to meet with that person.
But it's almost like, let's not just jump all in right away.
(26:27):
Let's do the dance a little bit.
And in the meanwhile, be practicing some of the new skills that you've learned in step four.
Okay, so step five. So step five is all about community.
So this is really woven through the whole program.
Anyone that does my coaching, if they do an individual one-on-one coaching plan,
(26:49):
they can still be part of my community or I do group programs.
And it's just been so lovely to see the relationships that come out between
different women that are connecting on various levels.
And it really does take a community to get us through this and to share our
experiences, learn from each other, have an opportunity to be seen and heard and witnessed.
(27:16):
These are all really important things. And when it comes to dating,
having friends to go out with is important.
Men are typically better judges of character of other men, and women will be
better judges of character of other women.
So if you're dating a man, pay attention to what other men say about him or vice versa, right?
(27:41):
It's like you could picture a man dating a woman that is hot, but crazy.
And all his guy friends are like, yeah, man, good job. She's so hot.
But other girls will be like, oh my God, she's not good.
She's crazy. And some people will have their own opinions that we need to just not listen to.
(28:01):
But if you have someone that you trust, a family member, a good friend.
You want other people to meet your potential partners as well.
So this whole idea of community, we're in an epidemic of loneliness right now.
Everybody's afraid to make that first move and reach out and introduce themselves.
(28:22):
And so I just want to encourage everybody, if you feel shy about going somewhere
by yourself or going to a meetup event or a singles event,
just think that everybody else is just as scared and shy as you are.
And so by you being someone that's willing to offer the olive branch or the
handshake, that you might be really not only adding more to your life,
(28:48):
but adding more to those people's lives as well.
Well, and again, Whitney, this is why I like having you in my corner,
because I'm all about helping parents become the confident leader that I say our kids crave us to be.
And we are more confident when we feel like we know what we're doing,
when we have a grip on things, or we're like, at least we know that we're prepared.
(29:09):
Again, and that's step two, prepared. So we're seeking for us to understand
we're prepared, and then we're changing the conversation. You're doing all of
that in this Dating Done Right program, helping people become confident in their dating ventures.
And so you're helping them overcome fear of rejection.
That's a big one. Like, oh my gosh, you might be excited. And then you're like,
but what if I get rejected?
(29:31):
And then all the negative self-talk comes in. But with coaching with you,
that's addressed. That's taken care of. That's acknowledged. It's validated.
And then you're learning a new skill to put that aside. and then building that
confidence and the trust that you need to be able to start dating again, right?
So you can go to WhitneyCobrin, K-O-B-R-I-N.com to learn more information about
(29:54):
the Dating Done Right program.
And then you also have an app. Tell us really quick a little bit about that.
Yes. So the app is called Love Coach In My Pocket.
If you search the app store, if you search my name, Whitney Cobrin, it will come up.
And in this app, I have the community for women.
And I have courses that you can start watching for free just to begin your journey
(30:16):
and start learning about these skills.
Awesome. I love it. You're a wealth of resources and knowledge and support and
validation and just excitement around dating again.
So single parents check out Whitney Cobran.com.
There is always hope and possibility in building and having the relationship
that you crave and that you deserve.
(30:38):
And again, as you said, kids really benefit from that as well,
even if they don't even know you're dating.
They're going to see that difference in their parents. So thanks again for joining
me today. Yes, thank you so much, Jackie. It was great.
All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast.
Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode,
(31:00):
click the subscribe button And share it with other parents who might need a little boost.
Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents for more parenting
tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without
losing your cool. Go to NoProblemParents.com.
Until next time, remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks.
(31:22):
So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember, you got this.
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