September 14, 2024 • 30 mins
Hey No Problem Parents!
Today I'm giving strategies and resources for how we can help our children and teens feel truly worthy and secure. Check out the powerful insights from the "Still Face Experiment" and how our emotional responses impact our kids' development.
I’m excited to welcome back author Bill Senyard (in the second segment) to talk about his new book, Tale of the Unlikely Prince.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, welcome back, No Problem Parents, to the No Problem Parenting podcast,
where we choose to deal with and overcome the emotional and behavioral challenges in our homes.
Hi there, I'm Jackie Finneman, your host and creator of No Problem Parenting.
Today's topic is going to get to the heart of how our kids perceive themselves
and feel loved. It's all about attachment.
(00:20):
And in my conversation with today's guest, he had mentioned the still face experiment.
And so before we get into that conversation, we introduce his newest book.
I want to set the stage for our conversation by introducing you to the concept
called the Still Face Experiment.
Now, I know life as a parent is a whirlwind.
(00:40):
Kids are back to school right now. Between work, school, sports,
and all the other activities, it's nonstop.
And when challenging behaviors pop up, it's easy to focus on what's going wrong
and scramble for a quick fix.
And you know the drill. We think, oh my gosh, how do I get my kids to behave?
How do I get them to be respectful? How do I get them to have manners?
(01:03):
We pull out all the stops. We use timeouts, reward charts, taking away screen
time, grounding them, or having serious sit-downs to talk to them about their behavior.
Sometimes we even try reasoning or explaining, or let's be honest,
bribing, just to keep the peace.
If things really start to escalate or just don't seem to improve,
we might reach out to a therapist or a counselor for support.
(01:25):
All of these strategies have their place and are helpful.
But today I want to offer you another approach, something to use in tandem with
the other things you're doing right now or to try on its own.
This tool is free, it's incredibly effective, and it only requires your time,
patience, and attention.
I'm going to take you back to 1975 when Dr. Edward Tronick, a researcher from
(01:49):
UMass Boston, introduced what we now know as the Still Face Experiment.
This experiment was designed to help us understand just how important our emotional
responses are to our kiddos' development.
This tool is simple, but it tells us so much. In the experiment,
a mother plays with her baby.
They're sitting across from each other, baby in a high chair, mom in a chair.
(02:10):
They're engaging with eye contact, smiles, and that natural back and forth interaction
that builds connection. And then mom suddenly stops and becomes neutral and expressionless.
And what happens next is profound. Within just three minutes,
the baby goes from being joyful and connected to becoming confused,
(02:35):
distressed, and anxious, crying, arching their back, doing whatever they can
to try to get that engagement from mom back.
And when mom doesn't respond, the child experiences a deep sense of loss.
You can just see it in the little baby's face. not just a loss of connection,
(02:55):
not just a loss of connection, but of control over their world and their sense of agency.
Do a search online of the still face experiment to see this in action.
But let's bring this idea into your home right now. Think about this for a moment.
Do you have a child who seems to always be seeking negative attention?
Maybe you have a teen who's shutting down, doing risky behaviors or constantly defying you.
(03:21):
Chances are they might be struggling with feelings of worth,
belonging, or low self-esteem.
When we focus only on stopping our kid's negative or unwanted behavior,
trying to put a lid on it or redirect it, we often miss what's really going on underneath.
Maybe you're thinking, I've tried to connect, but my child just pushes me away.
(03:43):
Well, let's take a moment to consider or how you're trying to engage?
Are you asking those surface level questions like how was school today without
being really ready to listen for the answer or assuming they're not gonna give you one?
Are you coming at them with kind of a bit of nervous energy?
Maybe you're frustrated or maybe you're using a tone that feels more like an
(04:04):
interrogation than a genuine conversation.
Kids are incredibly perceptive. They pick up on our emotional cues even when
we don't realize it. and they see through our nervousness, our frustration,
or when we're just going through the motions.
They really desire to be truly seen, not for their accomplishments, but for who they are.
(04:26):
They're craving your confident leadership, even though it doesn't always feel like that.
Not to have everything fixed or smoothed over for them, but to feel empowered
and loved for simply being themselves.
Let's be honest, connection doesn't always come naturally to everyone.
Maybe you're a parent who feels a little uncomfortable with these moments.
Maybe you're unsure of what to say or not to say or what to do or not to do.
(04:49):
If that sounds like you, no problem. Parenting is here to help.
We get to the root of what's going on, not just with your child, but with you first.
We're here to empower you to become the confident leader your kids crave because
when that little voice inside you says something isn't right or when you feel
like you've tried everything but you or your child are still struggling, that's when we step in.
(05:12):
We help you seek first to understand, prepare for the worst,
and change the conversation.
It's about moving beyond the quick fixes and getting to the core needs of both you and your child.
I help you become secure, understood, understood, and confident,
which in turn helps your child, empowers your child to become secure,
(05:33):
confident, and understood.
It isn't about being perfect. It's
about learning to guide your kids with curiosity, empathy, and strength.
So how do we do this? How do we show up in a way that truly reaches our kids?
Well, it starts with being present and addressing any elephants in the room.
We need to be able to talk about the uncomfortable or tough topics.
We need to name them, not with lectures or well-meaning advice or teaching them
(05:58):
a lesson, but with genuine curiosity, attentiveness, and intention.
Many of you know that I specialize in helping parents with kids who have trust
issues, who didn't attach, connect, or had a break in attachment in their early life.
And early on in my 30-year career as a counselor, mental health practitioner,
(06:18):
and now parenting and coach, these things that I learned that help families
with kids with attachment and trust issues can help any parent.
And one of those things that's related to your child's self-worth,
being seen, validated, heard, belonging, is snuggle time.
And it may not be exactly what you think. Snuggle time doesn't have to look
(06:41):
in a teen like it does in a toddler, you know, where we're bringing them up
on our lap, holding them in our arms, and gazing at them.
For a teenager, it might be sitting close together on the couch,
sharing a heart-to-heart heart hug, or just being in the same space with them
with your phones and technology and other distractions out of the way.
The idea is to create a moment of connection with eye contact as the foundation of that connection.
(07:06):
You don't even have to say a word. You just need to be there.
Now, sometimes this feels awkward at first, especially with a teenager or preteen,
but it's a powerful way to help your child or teen feel truly seen and validated.
Maybe at first, there'll be some uncomfortableness. It will be hard to look
at each other, both for you and your child.
But with practice and understanding, you'll get the hang of it and it won't be so uncomfortable.
(07:31):
Here's where the science comes in. Eye contact isn't just about looking at each
other. It's about connecting deeply, and that can be vulnerable.
Our eyes are often called the windows to the soul, and sharing moments without
words can be incredibly meaningful.
These moments of being Being seen can help your child or teen relax,
(07:51):
feel safe, and understood that they are accepted just as they are.
Oh, your kiddo might be shy. They might be embarrassed, or they might even push
back at first, but stick with it.
The consistency of these moments helps build that sense of security and connection
that's so vital for their emotional health.
Don't push it. Don't force it. You can't force eye contact, right?
(08:13):
But you can challenge your kiddo to give you 10 seconds of eye contact,
to give you five seconds of eye contact, and then to build up to where it doesn't seem so scary.
Sometimes kiddos will reject the eye contact for feelings of guilt,
shame, or sadness. this.
They may have done something that you don't know about, and looking at you,
(08:34):
knowing they've done something to defy you, hurt you, themselves,
or others can be painful.
Have you heard of emotion coaching? It's another option, another resource for
turning those everyday interactions with our kids into opportunities for connection and teaching.
So instead of rushing to fix things or tell your kids what to do,
we can be aware of their emotions, see their emotions as opportunities for closeness.
(08:59):
We can listen with empathy and really listen, not ready to respond.
We can help them label what they're feeling in simple terms.
I love Dr. JJ Kelly at drjjkelly.com. She has an amazing feelings wheel that you can download.
And then finally, we set boundaries that are going to guide them through their
emotions constructively.
(09:20):
So emotion coaching is a lot like how we respond in a partnership,
recognizing and turning toward each other's bids for connection.
With our kids, it means being genuinely interested, really listening,
asking thoughtful questions, and validating their feelings.
And using the no-problem parenting approach, we do this all in a matter-of-fact way.
(09:41):
Sometimes our tone can come off as too sensitive or unsure or coddling,
And that's kind of like fingernails on a chalkboard for kids.
I believe kids feel more secure and better able to trust you when you present
with confidence, not sympathy, not trying to make it better.
So your tone of voice really matters.
(10:02):
Your body language really matters. And your confidence matters.
When kids are feeling misunderstood, upset, or overwhelmed, and there's a lack
of parental responsiveness, it can deeply affect your child's emotional development.
So the still face scenario has been replicated across different settings and
populations, showing us just how crucial emotional connection is.
(10:24):
And the takeaway, how we turn toward our kids, how we engage with them, has a profound impact.
It's not just about preventing meltdowns or managing behavior.
It's about creating a deep sense of agency, security, and self-worth in our children.
That no matter what behavior, no matter what emotion they're showing us they're
(10:46):
having, we're secure enough and confident enough in our parenting that we don't
need to match our emotion with theirs.
Okay, now on the flip side, what if you have a kiddo that goes through great
lengths to please you, to show you that they're good or they're worthy of love and attention?
Look at what I'm doing. The kid that says, look at how good I am.
(11:08):
The kid that thrives off of performing well for your acceptance.
These kids need the same emotional connection with eye contact as that foundation.
They need to know that their self-worth is not only based on their accomplishment.
So it works for either the kids who are overly compliant or highly accomplished,
(11:30):
but also the kids that take the opposite path, that act out,
withdraw, or even bully.
So again, if this sounds familiar to you, if any of this is resonating,
check out episodes four and five, where I talk more about breaks in attachment,
the first year of life bonding cycle.
And while those episodes are focused on attachment disorder or attachment issues,
(11:50):
all of us are are on the attachment spectrum in some way.
All right, so we're going to get to our conversation with my guest today,
but here's something you can do right now.
I want you to go look up a video of the still face experiment.
It's a powerful reminder of how much our presence or our lack of presence matters.
Get your heads up from your screens, spend some time, even if it's 5,
(12:15):
10, 15 minutes, just really engaging in eye contact and connection with your child and teen.
And speaking of kiddos and teens, if you have a child between 10 and 15 years
old who might be struggling with feeling worthy of your love and acceptance, stay tuned.
My guest today has written a book called Tale of the Unlikely Prince.
(12:37):
It talks about the themes of worth and belonging and offers an engaging,
imaginative way to connect with your teens on a deeper level.
All right, stay tuned for the next segment of this episode with my guest, author Bill Senor.
Hey there, parents. Thanks for listening to the No Problem Parenting Podcast.
Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be?
(12:58):
Are you losing your crap on your kids, yelling, giving in, and exhausted at the end of every day?
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whether your child is a toddler or all grown up and still living in your house.
Don't make this parenting gig harder than it needs to be. Register to become a No Problem Parent.
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(13:20):
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Become a No Problem Parent today.
All right, let's continue our
talk of how to help our kids feel worthy and find a sense of belonging.
I'm excited to welcome back a guest who's passionate about these topics.
Bill Sennard is here to share his insights on attachment through a powerful and imaginative lens.
(13:44):
Bill was with us back in episode 200, where we talked about,
am I a good enough parent?
And And if you haven't heard that episode, go back and check that one out as well.
But today, Bill is here to talk about his new book, Tale of the Unlikely Prince,
is a journey into a world where young teens grapple with the same emotions and
challenges as our own kids, feeling like they aren't enough,
(14:05):
that they have to prove their worth, or that they need to earn love and respect.
But through the narrative of this fantastical quest, these lessons are revealed
in a way that feels relatable and real.
Tale of the Unlikely Prince is more than just a story. It's a resource that
can help parents better understand their child's inner world and how they can be more supportive,
(14:25):
present, and loving in ways that truly resonate with their children's deepest
needs. So parents, give it a read yourselves.
Hey, Bill, welcome back to the show. Thank you. It is so great.
It's always fun to be on your show. Well, I was excited to have you back because
the first time we had talked about this book series that you were in the process
of writing, and I said, hey, when it publishes, reach out. Let's get you back on the show.
(14:48):
You're here to talk about book one of a three-part or three-book series.
The book focuses on 10- to 15-year-olds,
and it's a young adult fantasy book in the same genre as C.S.
Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia. Exactly.
I'm a big, big fan of Lewis and Tolkien and their philosophy of writing.
(15:10):
And yeah, it was time to resurrect that for the next generation.
They wrote their books for post-World War II youth in England that had just
gotten pummeled by the Third Reich.
I mean, these were people with trauma and PTSD, and they wrote these books partly
to bring hope to that generation.
And they've and lewis has sold 120 million copies of his chronicles this is
(15:34):
pre-amazon pre you know internet pretty impressive so well that's what every
he was doing help minister to kids.
Yeah. And that is exactly what your books are doing.
And I think my hope as well as yours is that your books are going to help frustrated
parents to compete with social media.
(15:54):
Totally right. What I love about it is kids learn. I think kids,
teens, young adults, all of us, we learn from stories.
Yes. And so let's get right to it. Let's talk about the message and what you
hope the readers are going to gain from reading the book.
Well, the protagonist, the hero, is a young boy, a teenager named Yellad,
(16:15):
and he has been adopted by the great king of the kingdom.
And he's a composite of all the teenage boys. He's not worthy.
He doesn't feel worthy. He's wondering if people in the kingdom are laughing
at him or going, you know, the king just did this out of pity.
So he doesn't feel like he's prince enough.
And so he wonders what to do, and he begs his father, his stepfather.
(16:39):
For a quest, not just a quest, but a great quest, a stupendous quest so that
he could prove to the king, he can prove to the country, his trainers,
and even prove to the mirror that he's princely, he's worthy of being a prince.
But the problem is it doesn't work. The quest totally fails.
(17:00):
He bombs out and even in all his excitement and his determination and his willingness
to do this and prove himself, he fails.
He fails. He fails. And so he has to go back to the king and go,
you know, I'm not worthy.
And I blew it. I tried. I had my shot.
I mean, this is what's going on in teenage heads. They think the stuff they're
(17:23):
getting involved in, boards, social media, whatever, is going to give them that sense of enoughness.
And the way we're wired in our brains is relational. It's the relationships
that actually give us true enoughness.
And so when he finally gets back to the king, the king gets off of his royal
steed and embraces the king and says, by the way, what you haven't realized
(17:46):
and haven't been able to hear is that I actually love you.
And I've loved you before the quest. I loved you during the quest. And I love you now.
And your mistake was instead of coming into my arms and hearing that,
looking into my eyes and hearing that, you've gone over there to try to kill
dragons, thinking that's going to impress me.
And I'm actually impressed by you, my son.
(18:07):
And that changes everything. So it's that message. And so for kids who are looking
for that, looking for that love from a father figure, love from a parent figure,
love from somebody that means something to them, they're going to enter into this character,
Yellad, which in the Hebrew means son.
And they'll actually step into his boots and begin to experience that just a little bit.
(18:30):
And hopefully your kids will feel hope and will feel a little bit loved through
the process of narrative, through the process of story. And that's the feedback
I'm getting is kids are actually feeling better about themselves after they finish this book.
As a parenting coach, and I say that really so much begins with the parents
and really being that confident leader.
(18:50):
I encourage parents to grab this book and read it for themselves because there's
a lot of eye-opening information in there just about how the child's thinking.
Thinking that you may not even realize your child doesn't feel worthy to you. So well said.
And the child doesn't know how to say it either.
(19:12):
They're just feeling like I need something. I'm feeling depressed.
I'm feeling out of it. I'm feeling not enough.
And this is not just a guy thing. The second book will focus more on teenage
girls, but teenage girls feel the exact same way that they transmitted differently.
And sure, you know, in the previous show that I was on, if parents only knew
(19:33):
the questions that my teen's brains are asking, even if they don't know those questions, which is,
is there anybody out there who, when I walk into a room, their eyes light up
and they're really glad to see me.
And that should be parents, that should be teachers, that should be youth ministers
if you're part of a church or coaches.
And the second one is, when I screw up, I'm a teenager, that's my job,
(19:56):
when I screw up, is there anybody who's going to be there, not criticizing me,
but who actually has my back?
And if the parents can be the answer to those two questions,
and by the way, the king in the book is, then their child is going to respond.
They just will. A little or a lot, their child is going to respond.
It's such a great read. And I love that your book two is focusing on girls,
(20:20):
women, and then book three is going to be focused more on social media.
The CDC says that 42% of adolescents and 57% of female adolescents report experiencing
severe sadness and hopelessness, which is up 50% just since 2011.
(20:42):
So talk a little bit about how a book like this can push back against the powerful
effect that social media has on our teens and tweens.
I have a quote here from a neuroscientist, Gregory Burns, and this is what he
says. Stories, meaning good stories like this one, stories shape our lives and
(21:02):
in some cases help define a person.
The neural changes that we found associated with physical sensation and movement
systems suggest that reading a novel can transport you, let's say your teen,
into the body of the protagonist.
We already knew that good stories can put you in someone else's shoes in a figurative sense.
Now we're seeing that that's actually happening biologically, neurologically.
(21:26):
So a good story, what we see now is your child will be swept up into the narrative,
and those areas of the brain that fire off positively,
dopamine and such, actually fire off and last longer than a dope pit, than drugs,
and actually give your child a positive sense about themselves and the world
(21:48):
longer, much longer than social media, which does just the opposite. it.
So if parents, and I think if Lewis was here and Tolkien were here,
and he was sitting down with worried parents who are seeing some of this in
their children and their children's friends, they would say,
immerse them in good books.
Good book. So Chronicles of Narnia. Harry Potter is of that same genre.
(22:14):
I mean, you read those books, you know, it's going to end well, it does end well.
And it seems like the Harry Potter genre is very similar.
Some of the other books today made into movies like Dune, very confusing for kids.
You don't know who's good. You don't know who's bad. Tolkien hated the book
when Herbert came out with it.
He thought that it would actually confuse kids and cause distress.
(22:39):
Hunger Games, same way. There's not a good character, really.
And you don't know if it... And it doesn't end well. It ends disastrously.
And the story just sort of goes into this mish. So I don't think Tolkien or
Lewis would have enjoyed that.
So find good books that That end with the good overcoming the bad,
(22:59):
there's actually a good character and bad characters, and they're really clear.
So your young teenagers can actually process that.
And they believed, and I'm buying it, that they will actually respond positively.
You know, if your kid's 19, 20, 20, let them read whatever they want.
But we're talking about during that formative early adolescence. the
(23:21):
kids need clear good clear bad good wins
and it's just a great story they can
enter into and identify with the prime characters it's neuroscience yeah in
addition to it being a fun adventure book it's also a sophisticated presentation
of attachment theory for insecure middle schoolers you say and for young teens
(23:41):
so tell us more about that yeah this this father the
king adopts this poor boy out of the blue.
He's got daddy issues and attachment issues.
And the very first thing he does is adopt him and make him heir to the kingdom.
And he continues to love this child.
And the child, the struggle in the book psychologically is that Yellad can't
(24:05):
hear it. He can't respond to it. He's not comfortable with being loved.
He can't hear that the king actually loves him. So this quest that he is actually
saying, send me out there to kill dragons, right, to prove my manhood, and he fails.
The truth of the matter is the king had designed the quest so that he would
actually realize that the real dragon that needs to be slain is in his brain,
(24:28):
that critical inner voice.
And in the end, it's the love of the king that begins to slay that dragon,
that begins to slay that dragon.
So it's definitely attachment theory. It's the still face video all over again.
This child wants somebody to tell them, not only are you worthy to be my son,
(24:48):
but somehow give them the power to experience that and really hear that.
And that's the attachment theory. That's a drip, drip, drip.
You can't teach that in a class.
It's this drip, drip, drip strategy for our subconscious and the midbrain.
And that's what the book will do is drip, drip, drip every chapter.
Step three of no problem parenting it's about changing the
(25:09):
conversation and i teach a lot about giving conditional praise
before the unconditional because while we
want to be proud of our kids and we want to let them know we're proud
of them and we're happy for them we don't want to try to convince them of that
because their radar is up and they'll think oh if you only knew the bad things
i did yeah and you're just you're just saying that because you're my mom or
(25:30):
you're my dad and you have to so let's lead with conditional praise first the
factual stuff that they can't dispute.
But that, again, is why I love this book so much, because that's what you're
doing. And this is a sneaky way of doing it.
That's right. But there is some proof behind it, some undisputable proof behind
the child's worthiness.
Yeah. And this is a sneaky way of doing it, right? Is your child and you will
(25:53):
enter into this going, wow, that is exactly what I've been feeling.
That is why I haven't been able to receive love from my spouse.
That is why I haven't been able to receive love from whoever.
Oh, my goodness. I mean, there's a lot of self. I had a guy in his 70s in tears. He had bought the book.
He was mentoring a boy at a local rescue mission.
(26:15):
And he said, this book could be great for that boy. You know,
he said he's 12 or whatever, 11 or 12.
And then he was good before he handed it to me because, you know,
I really should read this book because it's only responsible.
And he came back to me and he said, he said I was bawling. He said that was such a message of love.
And I went, oh my goodness, that's, that's, that's great.
(26:35):
Well, and the question I get when I do presentations and things for churches,
and you mix and mingle a little bit before the presentation and ask parents,
what are the struggling, what are the challenges that they're dealing with?
Yeah. And a good majority, of course, when I'm in churches doing this,
they're saying, I just, I want to know how to help my child want to be,
want to come to church or to stay connected to their faith and to believe in
(26:57):
something more than themselves, right, or to believe in God.
And I think kind of icing on the cake is that your book really does help that.
I don't know if there was any intention in that, or that's just an afterthought. Yeah.
So it's not a religious book. I mean, we don't mention Jesus or God or church or Christianity.
Neither does C.S. Lewis and his Chronicles of Narnia.
(27:21):
It's a generic problem Right. And we're all looking for that authority figure
who looks down at me and says, oh, wow.
Look at you. This book, it's an attachment theory book. Yeah, I love that.
There's a quote that I gave you. Every child needs someone who is irrationally
(27:41):
crazy about him or her, and that's the nature of the book.
They can experience that through the protagonist yelling.
It's the beauty of telling good story. I think, as you said a little while ago,
if we're going to compete with social media, we need something powerful because
a social media is addictive.
It knows it. The algorithm plays on our kids' minds.
(28:03):
If you're an adult, fine. But if you're in that 10 to 15, you're going to need
something that's as powerful as social media.
And a good story, a good book, a good movie is that neurologically.
That's so great. Well, Bill, listeners, if you haven't listened to episode 200,
Am I a Good Enough Parent? Go back and listen to that episode as well.
(28:23):
You've written a number of books and workbooks on a wide range of important
topics. I love this latest series that's coming out.
You have other books and information out there, how frustrated parents of teens
can be more good enough parents, right?
Check out the show notes, and there are links in there for how to learn more
about Bill and his work, and also your podcast, The Gospel Rant.
(28:46):
You're in the top 100 of Christian podcasts.
You are really reaching a global audience, and I just appreciate you so much.
All the work that you're doing, your heart is just pure gold. message.
It just resonates with teens and parents. So I appreciate you so much and our connection, Bill.
Thank you. And we'll have to have you on the gospel rant sometime.
(29:07):
Oh my gosh, wouldn't that be a hoot? Okay.
All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast.
Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode,
click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost.
Stay connected on our socials by by following at No Problem Parents for more
(29:27):
parenting tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your
kids without losing your cool. Go to noproblemparents.com.
Until next time, remember your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks.
So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos and remember.
Music.
Hey, welcome back, No Problem Parents, to the No Problem Parenting podcast,
where we choose to deal with and overcome the emotional and behavioral challenges in our homes.
Hi there, I'm Jackie Finneman, your host and creator of No Problem Parenting.
Today's topic is going to get to the heart of how our kids perceive themselves
and feel loved. It's all about attachment.
(00:20):
And in my conversation with today's guest, he had mentioned the still face experiment.
And so before we get into that conversation, we introduce his newest book.
I want to set the stage for our conversation by introducing you to the concept
called the Still Face Experiment.
Now, I know life as a parent is a whirlwind.
(00:40):
Kids are back to school right now. Between work, school, sports,
and all the other activities, it's nonstop.
And when challenging behaviors pop up, it's easy to focus on what's going wrong
and scramble for a quick fix.
And you know the drill. We think, oh my gosh, how do I get my kids to behave?
How do I get them to be respectful? How do I get them to have manners?
(01:03):
We pull out all the stops. We use timeouts, reward charts, taking away screen
time, grounding them, or having serious sit-downs to talk to them about their behavior.
Sometimes we even try reasoning or explaining, or let's be honest,
bribing, just to keep the peace.
If things really start to escalate or just don't seem to improve,
we might reach out to a therapist or a counselor for support.
(01:25):
All of these strategies have their place and are helpful.
But today I want to offer you another approach, something to use in tandem with
the other things you're doing right now or to try on its own.
This tool is free, it's incredibly effective, and it only requires your time,
patience, and attention.
I'm going to take you back to 1975 when Dr. Edward Tronick, a researcher from
(01:49):
UMass Boston, introduced what we now know as the Still Face Experiment.
This experiment was designed to help us understand just how important our emotional
responses are to our kiddos' development.
This tool is simple, but it tells us so much. In the experiment,
a mother plays with her baby.
They're sitting across from each other, baby in a high chair, mom in a chair.
(02:10):
They're engaging with eye contact, smiles, and that natural back and forth interaction
that builds connection. And then mom suddenly stops and becomes neutral and expressionless.
And what happens next is profound. Within just three minutes,
the baby goes from being joyful and connected to becoming confused,
(02:35):
distressed, and anxious, crying, arching their back, doing whatever they can
to try to get that engagement from mom back.
And when mom doesn't respond, the child experiences a deep sense of loss.
You can just see it in the little baby's face. not just a loss of connection,
(02:55):
not just a loss of connection, but of control over their world and their sense of agency.
Do a search online of the still face experiment to see this in action.
But let's bring this idea into your home right now. Think about this for a moment.
Do you have a child who seems to always be seeking negative attention?
Maybe you have a teen who's shutting down, doing risky behaviors or constantly defying you.
(03:21):
Chances are they might be struggling with feelings of worth,
belonging, or low self-esteem.
When we focus only on stopping our kid's negative or unwanted behavior,
trying to put a lid on it or redirect it, we often miss what's really going on underneath.
Maybe you're thinking, I've tried to connect, but my child just pushes me away.
(03:43):
Well, let's take a moment to consider or how you're trying to engage?
Are you asking those surface level questions like how was school today without
being really ready to listen for the answer or assuming they're not gonna give you one?
Are you coming at them with kind of a bit of nervous energy?
Maybe you're frustrated or maybe you're using a tone that feels more like an
(04:04):
interrogation than a genuine conversation.
Kids are incredibly perceptive. They pick up on our emotional cues even when
we don't realize it. and they see through our nervousness, our frustration,
or when we're just going through the motions.
They really desire to be truly seen, not for their accomplishments, but for who they are.
(04:26):
They're craving your confident leadership, even though it doesn't always feel like that.
Not to have everything fixed or smoothed over for them, but to feel empowered
and loved for simply being themselves.
Let's be honest, connection doesn't always come naturally to everyone.
Maybe you're a parent who feels a little uncomfortable with these moments.
Maybe you're unsure of what to say or not to say or what to do or not to do.
(04:49):
If that sounds like you, no problem. Parenting is here to help.
We get to the root of what's going on, not just with your child, but with you first.
We're here to empower you to become the confident leader your kids crave because
when that little voice inside you says something isn't right or when you feel
like you've tried everything but you or your child are still struggling, that's when we step in.
(05:12):
We help you seek first to understand, prepare for the worst,
and change the conversation.
It's about moving beyond the quick fixes and getting to the core needs of both you and your child.
I help you become secure, understood, understood, and confident,
which in turn helps your child, empowers your child to become secure,
(05:33):
confident, and understood.
It isn't about being perfect. It's
about learning to guide your kids with curiosity, empathy, and strength.
So how do we do this? How do we show up in a way that truly reaches our kids?
Well, it starts with being present and addressing any elephants in the room.
We need to be able to talk about the uncomfortable or tough topics.
We need to name them, not with lectures or well-meaning advice or teaching them
(05:58):
a lesson, but with genuine curiosity, attentiveness, and intention.
Many of you know that I specialize in helping parents with kids who have trust
issues, who didn't attach, connect, or had a break in attachment in their early life.
And early on in my 30-year career as a counselor, mental health practitioner,
(06:18):
and now parenting and coach, these things that I learned that help families
with kids with attachment and trust issues can help any parent.
And one of those things that's related to your child's self-worth,
being seen, validated, heard, belonging, is snuggle time.
And it may not be exactly what you think. Snuggle time doesn't have to look
(06:41):
in a teen like it does in a toddler, you know, where we're bringing them up
on our lap, holding them in our arms, and gazing at them.
For a teenager, it might be sitting close together on the couch,
sharing a heart-to-heart heart hug, or just being in the same space with them
with your phones and technology and other distractions out of the way.
The idea is to create a moment of connection with eye contact as the foundation of that connection.
(07:06):
You don't even have to say a word. You just need to be there.
Now, sometimes this feels awkward at first, especially with a teenager or preteen,
but it's a powerful way to help your child or teen feel truly seen and validated.
Maybe at first, there'll be some uncomfortableness. It will be hard to look
at each other, both for you and your child.
But with practice and understanding, you'll get the hang of it and it won't be so uncomfortable.
(07:31):
Here's where the science comes in. Eye contact isn't just about looking at each
other. It's about connecting deeply, and that can be vulnerable.
Our eyes are often called the windows to the soul, and sharing moments without
words can be incredibly meaningful.
These moments of being Being seen can help your child or teen relax,
(07:51):
feel safe, and understood that they are accepted just as they are.
Oh, your kiddo might be shy. They might be embarrassed, or they might even push
back at first, but stick with it.
The consistency of these moments helps build that sense of security and connection
that's so vital for their emotional health.
Don't push it. Don't force it. You can't force eye contact, right?
(08:13):
But you can challenge your kiddo to give you 10 seconds of eye contact,
to give you five seconds of eye contact, and then to build up to where it doesn't seem so scary.
Sometimes kiddos will reject the eye contact for feelings of guilt,
shame, or sadness. this.
They may have done something that you don't know about, and looking at you,
(08:34):
knowing they've done something to defy you, hurt you, themselves,
or others can be painful.
Have you heard of emotion coaching? It's another option, another resource for
turning those everyday interactions with our kids into opportunities for connection and teaching.
So instead of rushing to fix things or tell your kids what to do,
we can be aware of their emotions, see their emotions as opportunities for closeness.
(08:59):
We can listen with empathy and really listen, not ready to respond.
We can help them label what they're feeling in simple terms.
I love Dr. JJ Kelly at drjjkelly.com. She has an amazing feelings wheel that you can download.
And then finally, we set boundaries that are going to guide them through their
emotions constructively.
(09:20):
So emotion coaching is a lot like how we respond in a partnership,
recognizing and turning toward each other's bids for connection.
With our kids, it means being genuinely interested, really listening,
asking thoughtful questions, and validating their feelings.
And using the no-problem parenting approach, we do this all in a matter-of-fact way.
(09:41):
Sometimes our tone can come off as too sensitive or unsure or coddling,
And that's kind of like fingernails on a chalkboard for kids.
I believe kids feel more secure and better able to trust you when you present
with confidence, not sympathy, not trying to make it better.
So your tone of voice really matters.
(10:02):
Your body language really matters. And your confidence matters.
When kids are feeling misunderstood, upset, or overwhelmed, and there's a lack
of parental responsiveness, it can deeply affect your child's emotional development.
So the still face scenario has been replicated across different settings and
populations, showing us just how crucial emotional connection is.
(10:24):
And the takeaway, how we turn toward our kids, how we engage with them, has a profound impact.
It's not just about preventing meltdowns or managing behavior.
It's about creating a deep sense of agency, security, and self-worth in our children.
That no matter what behavior, no matter what emotion they're showing us they're
(10:46):
having, we're secure enough and confident enough in our parenting that we don't
need to match our emotion with theirs.
Okay, now on the flip side, what if you have a kiddo that goes through great
lengths to please you, to show you that they're good or they're worthy of love and attention?
Look at what I'm doing. The kid that says, look at how good I am.
(11:08):
The kid that thrives off of performing well for your acceptance.
These kids need the same emotional connection with eye contact as that foundation.
They need to know that their self-worth is not only based on their accomplishment.
So it works for either the kids who are overly compliant or highly accomplished,
(11:30):
but also the kids that take the opposite path, that act out,
withdraw, or even bully.
So again, if this sounds familiar to you, if any of this is resonating,
check out episodes four and five, where I talk more about breaks in attachment,
the first year of life bonding cycle.
And while those episodes are focused on attachment disorder or attachment issues,
(11:50):
all of us are are on the attachment spectrum in some way.
All right, so we're going to get to our conversation with my guest today,
but here's something you can do right now.
I want you to go look up a video of the still face experiment.
It's a powerful reminder of how much our presence or our lack of presence matters.
Get your heads up from your screens, spend some time, even if it's 5,
(12:15):
10, 15 minutes, just really engaging in eye contact and connection with your child and teen.
And speaking of kiddos and teens, if you have a child between 10 and 15 years
old who might be struggling with feeling worthy of your love and acceptance, stay tuned.
My guest today has written a book called Tale of the Unlikely Prince.
(12:37):
It talks about the themes of worth and belonging and offers an engaging,
imaginative way to connect with your teens on a deeper level.
All right, stay tuned for the next segment of this episode with my guest, author Bill Senor.
Hey there, parents. Thanks for listening to the No Problem Parenting Podcast.
Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be?
(12:58):
Are you losing your crap on your kids, yelling, giving in, and exhausted at the end of every day?
You can start building confidence in your parenting immediately,
whether your child is a toddler or all grown up and still living in your house.
Don't make this parenting gig harder than it needs to be. Register to become a No Problem Parent.
It comes with an app so you can listen to the tips and tools just like you're
(13:20):
listening to this podcast.
Click the link in the show notes or go to NoProblemParents.com.
Become a No Problem Parent today.
All right, let's continue our
talk of how to help our kids feel worthy and find a sense of belonging.
I'm excited to welcome back a guest who's passionate about these topics.
Bill Sennard is here to share his insights on attachment through a powerful and imaginative lens.
(13:44):
Bill was with us back in episode 200, where we talked about,
am I a good enough parent?
And And if you haven't heard that episode, go back and check that one out as well.
But today, Bill is here to talk about his new book, Tale of the Unlikely Prince,
is a journey into a world where young teens grapple with the same emotions and
challenges as our own kids, feeling like they aren't enough,
(14:05):
that they have to prove their worth, or that they need to earn love and respect.
But through the narrative of this fantastical quest, these lessons are revealed
in a way that feels relatable and real.
Tale of the Unlikely Prince is more than just a story. It's a resource that
can help parents better understand their child's inner world and how they can be more supportive,
(14:25):
present, and loving in ways that truly resonate with their children's deepest
needs. So parents, give it a read yourselves.
Hey, Bill, welcome back to the show. Thank you. It is so great.
It's always fun to be on your show. Well, I was excited to have you back because
the first time we had talked about this book series that you were in the process
of writing, and I said, hey, when it publishes, reach out. Let's get you back on the show.
(14:48):
You're here to talk about book one of a three-part or three-book series.
The book focuses on 10- to 15-year-olds,
and it's a young adult fantasy book in the same genre as C.S.
Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia. Exactly.
I'm a big, big fan of Lewis and Tolkien and their philosophy of writing.
(15:10):
And yeah, it was time to resurrect that for the next generation.
They wrote their books for post-World War II youth in England that had just
gotten pummeled by the Third Reich.
I mean, these were people with trauma and PTSD, and they wrote these books partly
to bring hope to that generation.
And they've and lewis has sold 120 million copies of his chronicles this is
(15:34):
pre-amazon pre you know internet pretty impressive so well that's what every
he was doing help minister to kids.
Yeah. And that is exactly what your books are doing.
And I think my hope as well as yours is that your books are going to help frustrated
parents to compete with social media.
(15:54):
Totally right. What I love about it is kids learn. I think kids,
teens, young adults, all of us, we learn from stories.
Yes. And so let's get right to it. Let's talk about the message and what you
hope the readers are going to gain from reading the book.
Well, the protagonist, the hero, is a young boy, a teenager named Yellad,
(16:15):
and he has been adopted by the great king of the kingdom.
And he's a composite of all the teenage boys. He's not worthy.
He doesn't feel worthy. He's wondering if people in the kingdom are laughing
at him or going, you know, the king just did this out of pity.
So he doesn't feel like he's prince enough.
And so he wonders what to do, and he begs his father, his stepfather.
(16:39):
For a quest, not just a quest, but a great quest, a stupendous quest so that
he could prove to the king, he can prove to the country, his trainers,
and even prove to the mirror that he's princely, he's worthy of being a prince.
But the problem is it doesn't work. The quest totally fails.
(17:00):
He bombs out and even in all his excitement and his determination and his willingness
to do this and prove himself, he fails.
He fails. He fails. And so he has to go back to the king and go,
you know, I'm not worthy.
And I blew it. I tried. I had my shot.
I mean, this is what's going on in teenage heads. They think the stuff they're
(17:23):
getting involved in, boards, social media, whatever, is going to give them that sense of enoughness.
And the way we're wired in our brains is relational. It's the relationships
that actually give us true enoughness.
And so when he finally gets back to the king, the king gets off of his royal
steed and embraces the king and says, by the way, what you haven't realized
(17:46):
and haven't been able to hear is that I actually love you.
And I've loved you before the quest. I loved you during the quest. And I love you now.
And your mistake was instead of coming into my arms and hearing that,
looking into my eyes and hearing that, you've gone over there to try to kill
dragons, thinking that's going to impress me.
And I'm actually impressed by you, my son.
(18:07):
And that changes everything. So it's that message. And so for kids who are looking
for that, looking for that love from a father figure, love from a parent figure,
love from somebody that means something to them, they're going to enter into this character,
Yellad, which in the Hebrew means son.
And they'll actually step into his boots and begin to experience that just a little bit.
(18:30):
And hopefully your kids will feel hope and will feel a little bit loved through
the process of narrative, through the process of story. And that's the feedback
I'm getting is kids are actually feeling better about themselves after they finish this book.
As a parenting coach, and I say that really so much begins with the parents
and really being that confident leader.
(18:50):
I encourage parents to grab this book and read it for themselves because there's
a lot of eye-opening information in there just about how the child's thinking.
Thinking that you may not even realize your child doesn't feel worthy to you. So well said.
And the child doesn't know how to say it either.
(19:12):
They're just feeling like I need something. I'm feeling depressed.
I'm feeling out of it. I'm feeling not enough.
And this is not just a guy thing. The second book will focus more on teenage
girls, but teenage girls feel the exact same way that they transmitted differently.
And sure, you know, in the previous show that I was on, if parents only knew
(19:33):
the questions that my teen's brains are asking, even if they don't know those questions, which is,
is there anybody out there who, when I walk into a room, their eyes light up
and they're really glad to see me.
And that should be parents, that should be teachers, that should be youth ministers
if you're part of a church or coaches.
And the second one is, when I screw up, I'm a teenager, that's my job,
(19:56):
when I screw up, is there anybody who's going to be there, not criticizing me,
but who actually has my back?
And if the parents can be the answer to those two questions,
and by the way, the king in the book is, then their child is going to respond.
They just will. A little or a lot, their child is going to respond.
It's such a great read. And I love that your book two is focusing on girls,
(20:20):
women, and then book three is going to be focused more on social media.
The CDC says that 42% of adolescents and 57% of female adolescents report experiencing
severe sadness and hopelessness, which is up 50% just since 2011.
(20:42):
So talk a little bit about how a book like this can push back against the powerful
effect that social media has on our teens and tweens.
I have a quote here from a neuroscientist, Gregory Burns, and this is what he
says. Stories, meaning good stories like this one, stories shape our lives and
(21:02):
in some cases help define a person.
The neural changes that we found associated with physical sensation and movement
systems suggest that reading a novel can transport you, let's say your teen,
into the body of the protagonist.
We already knew that good stories can put you in someone else's shoes in a figurative sense.
Now we're seeing that that's actually happening biologically, neurologically.
(21:26):
So a good story, what we see now is your child will be swept up into the narrative,
and those areas of the brain that fire off positively,
dopamine and such, actually fire off and last longer than a dope pit, than drugs,
and actually give your child a positive sense about themselves and the world
(21:48):
longer, much longer than social media, which does just the opposite. it.
So if parents, and I think if Lewis was here and Tolkien were here,
and he was sitting down with worried parents who are seeing some of this in
their children and their children's friends, they would say,
immerse them in good books.
Good book. So Chronicles of Narnia. Harry Potter is of that same genre.
(22:14):
I mean, you read those books, you know, it's going to end well, it does end well.
And it seems like the Harry Potter genre is very similar.
Some of the other books today made into movies like Dune, very confusing for kids.
You don't know who's good. You don't know who's bad. Tolkien hated the book
when Herbert came out with it.
He thought that it would actually confuse kids and cause distress.
(22:39):
Hunger Games, same way. There's not a good character, really.
And you don't know if it... And it doesn't end well. It ends disastrously.
And the story just sort of goes into this mish. So I don't think Tolkien or
Lewis would have enjoyed that.
So find good books that That end with the good overcoming the bad,
(22:59):
there's actually a good character and bad characters, and they're really clear.
So your young teenagers can actually process that.
And they believed, and I'm buying it, that they will actually respond positively.
You know, if your kid's 19, 20, 20, let them read whatever they want.
But we're talking about during that formative early adolescence. the
(23:21):
kids need clear good clear bad good wins
and it's just a great story they can
enter into and identify with the prime characters it's neuroscience yeah in
addition to it being a fun adventure book it's also a sophisticated presentation
of attachment theory for insecure middle schoolers you say and for young teens
(23:41):
so tell us more about that yeah this this father the
king adopts this poor boy out of the blue.
He's got daddy issues and attachment issues.
And the very first thing he does is adopt him and make him heir to the kingdom.
And he continues to love this child.
And the child, the struggle in the book psychologically is that Yellad can't
(24:05):
hear it. He can't respond to it. He's not comfortable with being loved.
He can't hear that the king actually loves him. So this quest that he is actually
saying, send me out there to kill dragons, right, to prove my manhood, and he fails.
The truth of the matter is the king had designed the quest so that he would
actually realize that the real dragon that needs to be slain is in his brain,
(24:28):
that critical inner voice.
And in the end, it's the love of the king that begins to slay that dragon,
that begins to slay that dragon.
So it's definitely attachment theory. It's the still face video all over again.
This child wants somebody to tell them, not only are you worthy to be my son,
(24:48):
but somehow give them the power to experience that and really hear that.
And that's the attachment theory. That's a drip, drip, drip.
You can't teach that in a class.
It's this drip, drip, drip strategy for our subconscious and the midbrain.
And that's what the book will do is drip, drip, drip every chapter.
Step three of no problem parenting it's about changing the
(25:09):
conversation and i teach a lot about giving conditional praise
before the unconditional because while we
want to be proud of our kids and we want to let them know we're proud
of them and we're happy for them we don't want to try to convince them of that
because their radar is up and they'll think oh if you only knew the bad things
i did yeah and you're just you're just saying that because you're my mom or
(25:30):
you're my dad and you have to so let's lead with conditional praise first the
factual stuff that they can't dispute.
But that, again, is why I love this book so much, because that's what you're
doing. And this is a sneaky way of doing it.
That's right. But there is some proof behind it, some undisputable proof behind
the child's worthiness.
Yeah. And this is a sneaky way of doing it, right? Is your child and you will
(25:53):
enter into this going, wow, that is exactly what I've been feeling.
That is why I haven't been able to receive love from my spouse.
That is why I haven't been able to receive love from whoever.
Oh, my goodness. I mean, there's a lot of self. I had a guy in his 70s in tears. He had bought the book.
He was mentoring a boy at a local rescue mission.
(26:15):
And he said, this book could be great for that boy. You know,
he said he's 12 or whatever, 11 or 12.
And then he was good before he handed it to me because, you know,
I really should read this book because it's only responsible.
And he came back to me and he said, he said I was bawling. He said that was such a message of love.
And I went, oh my goodness, that's, that's, that's great.
(26:35):
Well, and the question I get when I do presentations and things for churches,
and you mix and mingle a little bit before the presentation and ask parents,
what are the struggling, what are the challenges that they're dealing with?
Yeah. And a good majority, of course, when I'm in churches doing this,
they're saying, I just, I want to know how to help my child want to be,
want to come to church or to stay connected to their faith and to believe in
(26:57):
something more than themselves, right, or to believe in God.
And I think kind of icing on the cake is that your book really does help that.
I don't know if there was any intention in that, or that's just an afterthought. Yeah.
So it's not a religious book. I mean, we don't mention Jesus or God or church or Christianity.
Neither does C.S. Lewis and his Chronicles of Narnia.
(27:21):
It's a generic problem Right. And we're all looking for that authority figure
who looks down at me and says, oh, wow.
Look at you. This book, it's an attachment theory book. Yeah, I love that.
There's a quote that I gave you. Every child needs someone who is irrationally
(27:41):
crazy about him or her, and that's the nature of the book.
They can experience that through the protagonist yelling.
It's the beauty of telling good story. I think, as you said a little while ago,
if we're going to compete with social media, we need something powerful because
a social media is addictive.
It knows it. The algorithm plays on our kids' minds.
(28:03):
If you're an adult, fine. But if you're in that 10 to 15, you're going to need
something that's as powerful as social media.
And a good story, a good book, a good movie is that neurologically.
That's so great. Well, Bill, listeners, if you haven't listened to episode 200,
Am I a Good Enough Parent? Go back and listen to that episode as well.
(28:23):
You've written a number of books and workbooks on a wide range of important
topics. I love this latest series that's coming out.
You have other books and information out there, how frustrated parents of teens
can be more good enough parents, right?
Check out the show notes, and there are links in there for how to learn more
about Bill and his work, and also your podcast, The Gospel Rant.
(28:46):
You're in the top 100 of Christian podcasts.
You are really reaching a global audience, and I just appreciate you so much.
All the work that you're doing, your heart is just pure gold. message.
It just resonates with teens and parents. So I appreciate you so much and our connection, Bill.
Thank you. And we'll have to have you on the gospel rant sometime.
(29:07):
Oh my gosh, wouldn't that be a hoot? Okay.
All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast.
Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode,
click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost.
Stay connected on our socials by by following at No Problem Parents for more
(29:27):
parenting tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your
kids without losing your cool. Go to noproblemparents.com.
Until next time, remember your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks.
So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos and remember.
Music.
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