Today we tackle one of the toughest phases of parenting: the late adolescent and early young adult years.
We'll cover essential topics such as addiction, creating open communication, and the importance of self-care for parents. Discover strategies to encourage your child to open up to you.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
All right, welcome back, No
Problem Parents, to the No Problem Parenting podcast. This is episode 284.
I'm your host, Jackie Finneman, and I'm so glad you're here with us.
Today we're going to talk about one of the most challenging aspects of parenting,
and that is navigating the late adolescent, early young adult years,
(00:20):
including conversations about addiction, creating open communication,
and the importance of self-care for parents before supporting your kiddo.
So we're going to be getting some expert advice on how to handle common parenting
triggers like whining, not listening, as well as learning the best strategies
(00:40):
for getting your child to open up and talk to you.
Plus, we're going to discuss some critical signs that might indicate that your
teen or young adult needs professional help.
And we're going to discuss how to manage your time so that you can take care
of yourself, even when that feels feels impossible.
But before we get started, I want to give a special shout out to our sponsor, Dr.
(01:01):
J.J. Kelly of Unorthodox Inc., whose newest book in the Holy Shit Books series
is really revolutionizing the way that we approach emotional intelligence and self-care.
It is titled, Holy SHIT, All This Is Shame.
Parents, you're going to want to check this book out not only for your teens
(01:21):
and young adults, but for yourselves.
Check out drjjkelly.com to learn more about how you can elevate your emotional
resilience and teach that in your teens and young adults.
Sit back, settle in, and get ready to learn some powerful strategies today that
are going to help you navigate the ups and downs of parenting,
turn those parenting problems into no problem.
(01:42):
Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be?
Are you losing your crap on your kids, yelling, giving in, and exhausted at
the end of every day? You are already a good parent, and I'm sure you've sought
advice from friends or family.
You've read books on your child's specific behavior problem.
Maybe you've even signed them up to see the school counselor or an outpatient therapist.
(02:04):
But despite your efforts to find the right person or thing that will help,
your family is still struggling.
You're tired of pretending everything's okay.
Well, if your confidence is shot, register to become a No Problem Parent.
It comes with an app so you can listen to the tips and tools just like you're
listening to this podcast.
You can start building confidence in your parenting immediately,
(02:25):
whether your child is a toddler or all grown up and still living in your house.
Don't make this parenting gig harder than it needs to be. Become a no problem parent today.
Welcome back, No Problem Parents, to the No Problem Parenting Podcast,
where we choose to deal with and overcome the emotional and behavioral challenges within our home.
(02:45):
Today, parents, our special guest is going to talk with us about teens and young
adults. I'd like you to meet Kim Minch.
She is an Amazon number one new release author in parent and adult child relationships
where she tackles the topic of how limiting beliefs taken on in childhood play
out in our most important adult relationships until healing of beliefs and patterns take place.
(03:11):
My audience is familiar with this, Kim, because that is part of step one in no-problem parenting.
Seek first to understand. Let's get to the root of what's happening,
the root of the behaviors.
Kim's parenting expertise has been showcased on ABC and NBC,
numerous Fox News radio stations, and on many national and international podcasts.
Kim is a married mother of five young adults, ages 18 plus, and she's a certified
(03:36):
conscious parenting coach through the Jai Institute of Parenting and Parents.
I'm going to put this teaser in right away.
Her Instagram and TikTok page is amazing.
So much great content in there. I'm excited to have you on the show. Welcome, Kim.
I am so excited to be here with you, have a conversation, Jackie,
(03:56):
talking about teens and emerging adults and no problem parenting.
Well, I want to jump right into it. You have a book out, Becoming Me While Raising You.
But what even brought you into deciding that, hey, I've been through some stuff
as a mom with my five young adults, and I have something that I can offer parents?
(04:18):
I have to say that it evolved over time. I don't think it was one day like,
oh, I think I'll be a parent coach.
You I had some experiences. I had my first son at the age of 18 and went through
quite a bit with that experience and then went on to get married and have kids.
And then my oldest that I had had so young went through his addiction to alcohol.
(04:41):
And I think that was really when I looked at the way that I was parenting,
the way that I had been parented and wanting to make some conscious decisions.
Choices. I mean, I always thought I was a decent parent up until that time, right?
But I really wanted to make a concerted effort with knowing I had four kids
(05:03):
behind my oldest who had gone through this addiction, you know,
to do better, where could I do better?
And so that sent me on a journey of really, again, looking at my parenting,
looking at the way I was raised, and trying to figure out what was going to
work best for the healthiest relationships.
Relationships and i i say that when i
(05:25):
walked through the addiction with my son not only
was it my parenting wake-up call but it was my personal awakening
and along the journey of
walking with him through his addiction and into recovery i went back to school
and i started to really study and look at parenting at addiction at you know
(05:47):
the connection between parent and child and what that should look like.
So then through the magic of social media, I actually found parent coaching.
And I had no idea there was a thing such as this. And this was 2015.
And I really, I always really enjoyed being a parent.
And so the idea of creating a business where I could do what I loved and help
(06:13):
others in the process of that, using my experience, using the things that I
had gone through as a parent was really intriguing to me.
So solely over time, you know, I built a business to a place now where I would
say I am the coach that I needed back in 2008 when my 20-year-old son was seriously,
(06:35):
you know, sidelined with mental health issues and an addiction to alcohol.
So I was the parent chaotically looking on Google for the right place, the right next step.
Now I am the coach that I really could have used during that very stressful situation.
Not only do you have the experience, but you have the schooling behind it.
(06:58):
You know, you went back and learned a few things that helped you in your own
life, but now also how to help other parents.
And you have a support group that meets a couple times a month so that you can
support the moms and dads who are.
Trying to figure out how do I parent? How do I get my kid to talk to me?
How do I get them to hear me? How do I hear them? How do I even know what they need?
(07:19):
What's the best avenue? You know, parents who have tried, you know,
just all the things and not feeling like they're being successful.
Yeah. Yeah. It's a beautiful.
So it's twice a week and it is common.
Yes. So Tuesday evenings and Fridays midday.
And it's the common thread is that everyone in the group is parenting someone over the age of 18.
(07:44):
I would say, you know, we have a couple that have sons and daughters that are
in their older 20s. But I would say the bulk of our group is 18 to,
say, 26, you know, moms and dads in the group.
And it could be any anything that you might be parenting through in that in
that age group from where do I set the financial boundary to how do I support
(08:08):
my daughter who's in an unhealthy romantic relationship to my son,
you know, sleeps all day,
games all night and smokes a lot of weed and he's not moving forward in his life.
And I think the beautiful thing about that support group is that parents feel
alone when, you know, they feel alone and they think they did something wrong
when they're parenting.
(08:28):
You know, this is why my kid is, you know, not moving forward or not doing well
or making unhealthy choices when the reality is part of becoming an adult is
sometimes making unhealthy choices and learning from those things.
And parents do not want their kids to fail or they do not want their kids to
(08:50):
have their heart broken or make unhealthy choices.
And this is a time when, like no other, you know you have no control.
Yeah, absolutely. I say we cannot wait for our kiddos to buckle themselves in
the car seat, to wipe their own butt, to tie their own shoes,
all those things. Right. We cannot wait for that independence.
And then all of a sudden they turn to teenage years and we start pulling in
(09:13):
the reins and we're like, no, you can't go here because we're afraid of what's
going to happen and what you're going to do or who's going to,
you know, like we, we just, we try to bring them in closer or ground them.
And I always say, don't ground your teenager.
If you don't even like being around them, why would you ground them?
You know, it's like, let's spend more time listening to them,
hearing them, and boosting them up and helping them believe,
(09:33):
letting them know that we believe they are capable of going through hard things,
making mistakes, picking up the pieces, and moving forward. word.
So I like to say that with kiddos, when you're afraid to let them go with other
people, one of the best messages you can send to them is, you know,
I really don't like this group you're hanging out with this particular kid,
(09:54):
but I hope some of you wears off on them.
Versus the message that they're going to be influenced negatively by this other
person, they're not capable of standing up for themselves or making good decisions for themselves.
So I love everything thing that you're doing to help parents to empower their
teens and young adults through the hard stuff rather than wrapping the bubble around them.
(10:16):
How do you help coach parents on not becoming triggered by those everyday things
that can trigger us or set us off, like the whining, not listening to us, disrespect,
you know, I hate you, becoming aggressive or, you know, know,
fighting with their siblings.
So I think this is a process. When I work with parents, what they don't seem,
(10:40):
they are triggered, right? They're triggered by their kid's behavior.
Yes, the whining, sibling fighting, being told, I hate you, that kind of, that, that really,
if their kid is not measuring up to other kids, you know, because parents do
a lot of comparison, that can be very triggering to parents too.
They're very egoically connected to who their kid is as being a reflection of who they are.
(11:07):
And I talk to parents about, first of all, again, it's a process,
but it is really looking at what do I believe about myself?
And how is that affecting the parent that I am being to my kids?
And we take on our beliefs subconsciously in the first several years of our
(11:28):
lives, typically within the realm of the relationship with our primary caregivers.
So our mom and dad, okay?
They write on what we believe about ourselves.
And that operates beneath the surface of our adult relationships unless we take
the time to really look at, I have four questions that I take parents through,
(11:51):
but we really look at what do I believe about myself and how is that affecting
my marriage, my parenting,
my, my cowork situation,
my, you know, my relationship with my employer, but let's just narrow that down
to the parent child relationship, right? What do I believe about myself?
(12:12):
And when you ask yourself out that question, initially what comes up are,
well, I believe that I'm a nurturing mother. I believe that I'm a loving wife.
It's the roles that we play, but I want people to go deeper than that.
And what I found and what I wrote about in my book were the six beliefs that
I took on from my childhood that I didn't realize were operating in my life
(12:35):
until I really took the time and I mean more than 10 minutes,
but I mean like over time, I really observed myself and started to think.
What do I believe about myself?
And for many years, I was operating from a belief that I wasn't worthy of being heard, okay?
And I can pinpoint, so the second question is, first it's what do I believe about myself?
(13:00):
Really doing a deep dive there. Then with each one of those beliefs that come up.
Where, where did that come from? What is the first time I remember feeling like
what I had to say didn't matter?
And in particular, with this example with myself not feeling heard,
which, and in my parenting looked like my kids disrespecting me,
(13:23):
not listening to me, came from being six years old and in a situation with my father one evening.
It was a summer in Wisconsin, and the situation with mowing over my littlest
brother on a swing set and breaking his arm and not meaning to do it and trying
to explain myself to my dad and him getting angry and spanking me,
(13:47):
and that shut me down in terms of feeling like what I had to say didn't matter.
And so I carried that belief throughout my school years, in my marriage, in my parenting.
And so the third question, so we go, what do I believe about myself?
Where did that come from? Where's the first time I remember feeling that way
(14:09):
or taking that belief on? And then the third question is, is it true?
Is it true? And really asking yourself and some of the things you believe about
yourself are absolutely true.
But the ones that aren't the ones that you say, that's not true.
And I decided as a 40 some year old woman, that's not true.
Like, I do have things to say that matter. And I can make a difference.
(14:32):
And I'm worth listening to.
So that was the shift there. And then the hardest part, the most challenging
part, can be the fourth question, which is, if that's not true, what is? Mm-hmm.
So, and then operating from that. So,
making the decision that what I had to say mattered and I am worthy of being
(14:56):
heard and playing that out within the context of the parent-child relationship
I was having with each of my kids within my marriage and every time, quite frankly,
down to the little things like showing up on TikTok and doing a video every day.
This is me reaffirming my new belief that what I have to say matters.
(15:19):
That's so, so good. That belief system is so key.
Going back, looking at the negative beliefs, and I'm sure you had more than one.
You just gave us the example of, you know.
Yes, that's an easy one to carry through. And I think that it's one a lot of
moms feel, feel unheard. They feel disrespectful.
(15:42):
Did. So when you really look at, right, that belief about yourself and question
whether or not it's true, you decide.
You decide. Because a long time ago, it was written on me.
And this is no beef against my dad, you know, at this point, obviously.
(16:02):
But I think parents don't understand the gravity of how they write on their kid's.
And the importance as adults to look back and question whether or not what they took on is true or not,
and making a conscious decision from that point forward to live intentionally
(16:26):
from the belief that they have as an adult and not as a child.
Yep. And I absolutely love that. We can look back at our four-year-old,
six-year-old, 10-year-old, 15-year-old self and acknowledge and validate the belief that we took on.
But then as the adult, we can look back at that and say, what is true now?
(16:48):
That's, I absolutely love that, Kim. I didn't even know that piece about you
or your program. So I love, I'm loving you even more.
And also we're just, I'm just going to put a quick plug in here for Dr.
J.J. Kelly of Unorthodox Inc., drjjkelly.com.
She helps us identify the difference between thoughts and feelings.
So parents, I highly recommend you check out Dr. J.J. Kelly at drjjkelly.com. Happy people act right.
(17:13):
And be sure to pick up her latest book, Holy Shit, So All This Is Shame.
If you're interested in learning more, again, go to drjjkelly.com.
Okay, so it begins with us as parents doing our own work.
And I tell my parents this all the time that I work with.
When you really have paid some attention to yourself and you're the confident
(17:36):
leader that I say our kids crave us to be, it doesn't mean you have to be confident
in every, you know, you don't have to know everything.
But when a problem comes your way, you're like, hey, I'm capable.
I've got this. I can plan for it. I can help resolve this and I'm good. Your kids just settle.
Yeah. Our kids, they just ease in, right? Yeah.
Well, I say, you know, parents, they don't want, they don't take care of their
(17:59):
own emotional well-being very Well,
they're always looking, you know, to take care of everybody else,
whether that's provide for them or, you know, just emotionally support them
and they don't get the support themselves.
And our kids feel our energy, right? Like, and so in particular parents who
lack confidence with an emerging adult who is not moving forward in their lives, right?
(18:24):
I understand that because we can be very empathetic, right?
We can be, you know, and it's so hard to see your emerging adult who you know
has so much potential and so many great talents not seeing that within themselves.
It hurts your mom and dad heart very much.
It does not help them, though, for you to get stuck in that low energy, right?
(18:46):
I'm not saying put on rose-colored glasses and pretend there's not a problem.
That's not what I'm saying.
Actually, you're saying the opposite of that. Yeah, I'm saying model what you wish to see in them.
Take good care of yourself so that your energy is is not in that low,
you know, that low vibe that they're in at the moment.
(19:06):
Help them by letting them know you believe in them.
Help instead of getting angry at them for not getting a job.
You know, like, I understand.
And that's what parents bring to the support group is all the frustration and
all the stuff so that and then we kind of, you know, we kind of give some strategy
and prop them up so they can go back in the game.
Yeah, I love it. I absolutely love it. So let's talk really quick about some
(19:29):
of those ways that we can get our kiddos to talk with them when they don't want
to talk and maybe some red flags that we should be looking for.
You know, sometimes I think when a child is really acting out,
a teen, a young adult is really acting out and messing up or,
you know, causing all kinds of outward external problems.
That's a no-brainer for us. We're like, ah, they're struggling. Something's going on.
(19:50):
There's also that teen that's isolating. That's maybe the yes teen, right?
They're like, everything's going along just fine. And then all of a sudden you're
like, but something's not right there.
There's still, you know, you can kind of tell they're not themselves.
What are some of the physical and emotional signs to be paying attention to?
Well, and let's just preface that by saying this is why it's important for parents
(20:13):
to be emotionally connected with their intuition and parenting from here and
not from the anxious chatter in their heads.
Because, yes, we want to be aware and kind of have a temperature gauge on all
our kids at all times, right?
Had five different kids, five different temperaments, five, you know,
(20:33):
like that kind of a thing.
But when parents are not, when they're so busy and so stressed,
first of all, their kids will not come to them if they do have something going on.
They will not come because they can sense from your energy and just from your
behavior that you can't take on anything.
(20:53):
You know, like you can't, they're not going to burden you with one more thing.
So I think you had talked about what red flags to look for. Or I think a lot
of it, especially when they're teens and emerging adults, one of the red flags
is like, are they socializing at all?
Believe me, parents tell me all the time, especially when it comes to their sons.
(21:14):
Well, they're socializing on their gaming, but they're, you know,
and they're disengaging with the real world.
They're, you know, if that is the only socialization that they're doing is talking
amongst themselves on a game.
It's not that it's not socializing, and I have sons that do this myself,
but are they getting out in the real world and do they have interaction with
(21:37):
other people? Are they leaving home?
When your son or daughter is shutting down to a place where they might spend
a fair amount of time in their room when they're home, right?
I mean, I think a lot of kids do. It's like their space or whatever.
But if they're not engaging with family, if they're not engaging in some way
in the outside world, I'd be worried.
(21:58):
If they're drinking or using weed by themselves, I'd be worried.
That's definitely a red flag behavior. If you have a normally or the temperament
of your son or daughter is fairly even keeled and for some reason they're really
starting to get moody and angry and snapping at you,
(22:18):
I would wonder, that would be a red flag to me, what's going on?
The one thing that parents are dealing with in the later teen and early 20s
is that can be when some of the mental health disorders really show themselves,
like bipolar and borderline personality.
These things can kind of come out during those years.
(22:40):
So parents needing to kind of weigh, like, could this be something more in a mental health way?
Is this being exacerbated by substance use? So those are some of the red flag
behaviors I'd be concerned about.
In terms of, you know, wanting our kids to talk to us, I talk about the 80-20
rule when it comes to parenting teens and emerging adults.
(23:04):
And that is listen 80% of the time, talk 20% of the time.
I run into parents who always, they continually want to ask questions because
they're curious and they want to know what's going on in their kid's mind.
But the reality is our kids get to a certain age and they don't necessarily
want a lot of questions and they feel like they're being interrogated even though
(23:28):
we're well-meaning and just asking because we're curious.
And I've noticed, especially my sons, I have four of them, I've noticed that
when I get quiet, but present. So I'm around and available.
Like I'm in the kitchen when they're in the kitchen, but I'm not asking questions
or I'm not trying to fill in the space, especially with some of my quieter sons.
(23:48):
They will talk.
If I am just quiet and present, they will step in.
I think the thing I love most about what you offer to parents,
aside from the social media tips, which parents, I mean, check out her Instagram and TikTok pages.
You'll read a letter that a parent wrote to you about a situation or challenge,
(24:10):
and then you'll give some suggestions or ideas around that.
But just your quick little, you know, one to two minute QA response that you
have on there is so helpful.
And then also that, and I didn't realize, I thought it was two times a month,
two times a week that you offer the support group.
So, and then you also get to learn Learn from other parents who are asking questions
that maybe you didn't even think to ask, but you're going to find some benefit
(24:33):
from the coaching that you're offering those other parents.
Also, Kim, before we wrap up, I want to encourage parents to go to your website,
reallifeparentingguide.com.
And I am just so grateful for you coming on the show.
Jackie, it's been wonderful. And yes, I wanted to create the support group in
(24:53):
particular so that every parent who needs some support could get it at a really
reasonable rate and to see that they're not alone.
Because I do feel like parents feel as if they are alone in their struggles.
And I just want them to know that they're not.
You know, there are bumps. This is a transition in parenting.
(25:16):
And there are bumps for emerging adults.
Sometimes we wish they wouldn't have to go through some of the things that they
are going through in order to become who they're meant to become.
But we're there to support them and not enable situations.
Well, I definitely appreciate that. And we'll be sending the parents in my No
Problem Parenting community over to you that have those teens and young adults
(25:39):
for just consistent support.
I mean, if you're raising teens, this is such a great way to stay connected
for when you need it as it happens and to do step two in No Problem Parenting, prepare for the worst.
Being able to join your support group and hear about some of the challenges
that parents have gone through and come out the other side.
Incredible. Just absolutely love it. You know, I'm a huge fan.
(26:03):
So thanks again very much for being on the show. Thank you so much for having me.
All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast.
Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode,
click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost.
Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents For more parenting
(26:27):
tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without
losing your cool, go to NoProblemParents.com.
Until next time, remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks.
So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember, you got this.
Music.
All right, welcome back, No
Problem Parents, to the No Problem Parenting podcast. This is episode 284.
I'm your host, Jackie Finneman, and I'm so glad you're here with us.
Today we're going to talk about one of the most challenging aspects of parenting,
and that is navigating the late adolescent, early young adult years,
(00:20):
including conversations about addiction, creating open communication,
and the importance of self-care for parents before supporting your kiddo.
So we're going to be getting some expert advice on how to handle common parenting
triggers like whining, not listening, as well as learning the best strategies
(00:40):
for getting your child to open up and talk to you.
Plus, we're going to discuss some critical signs that might indicate that your
teen or young adult needs professional help.
And we're going to discuss how to manage your time so that you can take care
of yourself, even when that feels feels impossible.
But before we get started, I want to give a special shout out to our sponsor, Dr.
(01:01):
J.J. Kelly of Unorthodox Inc., whose newest book in the Holy Shit Books series
is really revolutionizing the way that we approach emotional intelligence and self-care.
It is titled, Holy SHIT, All This Is Shame.
Parents, you're going to want to check this book out not only for your teens
(01:21):
and young adults, but for yourselves.
Check out drjjkelly.com to learn more about how you can elevate your emotional
resilience and teach that in your teens and young adults.
Sit back, settle in, and get ready to learn some powerful strategies today that
are going to help you navigate the ups and downs of parenting,
turn those parenting problems into no problem.
(01:42):
Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be?
Are you losing your crap on your kids, yelling, giving in, and exhausted at
the end of every day? You are already a good parent, and I'm sure you've sought
advice from friends or family.
You've read books on your child's specific behavior problem.
Maybe you've even signed them up to see the school counselor or an outpatient therapist.
(02:04):
But despite your efforts to find the right person or thing that will help,
your family is still struggling.
You're tired of pretending everything's okay.
Well, if your confidence is shot, register to become a No Problem Parent.
It comes with an app so you can listen to the tips and tools just like you're
listening to this podcast.
You can start building confidence in your parenting immediately,
(02:25):
whether your child is a toddler or all grown up and still living in your house.
Don't make this parenting gig harder than it needs to be. Become a no problem parent today.
Welcome back, No Problem Parents, to the No Problem Parenting Podcast,
where we choose to deal with and overcome the emotional and behavioral challenges within our home.
(02:45):
Today, parents, our special guest is going to talk with us about teens and young
adults. I'd like you to meet Kim Minch.
She is an Amazon number one new release author in parent and adult child relationships
where she tackles the topic of how limiting beliefs taken on in childhood play
out in our most important adult relationships until healing of beliefs and patterns take place.
(03:11):
My audience is familiar with this, Kim, because that is part of step one in no-problem parenting.
Seek first to understand. Let's get to the root of what's happening,
the root of the behaviors.
Kim's parenting expertise has been showcased on ABC and NBC,
numerous Fox News radio stations, and on many national and international podcasts.
Kim is a married mother of five young adults, ages 18 plus, and she's a certified
(03:36):
conscious parenting coach through the Jai Institute of Parenting and Parents.
I'm going to put this teaser in right away.
Her Instagram and TikTok page is amazing.
So much great content in there. I'm excited to have you on the show. Welcome, Kim.
I am so excited to be here with you, have a conversation, Jackie,
(03:56):
talking about teens and emerging adults and no problem parenting.
Well, I want to jump right into it. You have a book out, Becoming Me While Raising You.
But what even brought you into deciding that, hey, I've been through some stuff
as a mom with my five young adults, and I have something that I can offer parents?
(04:18):
I have to say that it evolved over time. I don't think it was one day like,
oh, I think I'll be a parent coach.
You I had some experiences. I had my first son at the age of 18 and went through
quite a bit with that experience and then went on to get married and have kids.
And then my oldest that I had had so young went through his addiction to alcohol.
(04:41):
And I think that was really when I looked at the way that I was parenting,
the way that I had been parented and wanting to make some conscious decisions.
Choices. I mean, I always thought I was a decent parent up until that time, right?
But I really wanted to make a concerted effort with knowing I had four kids
(05:03):
behind my oldest who had gone through this addiction, you know,
to do better, where could I do better?
And so that sent me on a journey of really, again, looking at my parenting,
looking at the way I was raised, and trying to figure out what was going to
work best for the healthiest relationships.
Relationships and i i say that when i
(05:25):
walked through the addiction with my son not only
was it my parenting wake-up call but it was my personal awakening
and along the journey of
walking with him through his addiction and into recovery i went back to school
and i started to really study and look at parenting at addiction at you know
(05:47):
the connection between parent and child and what that should look like.
So then through the magic of social media, I actually found parent coaching.
And I had no idea there was a thing such as this. And this was 2015.
And I really, I always really enjoyed being a parent.
And so the idea of creating a business where I could do what I loved and help
(06:13):
others in the process of that, using my experience, using the things that I
had gone through as a parent was really intriguing to me.
So solely over time, you know, I built a business to a place now where I would
say I am the coach that I needed back in 2008 when my 20-year-old son was seriously,
(06:35):
you know, sidelined with mental health issues and an addiction to alcohol.
So I was the parent chaotically looking on Google for the right place, the right next step.
Now I am the coach that I really could have used during that very stressful situation.
Not only do you have the experience, but you have the schooling behind it.
(06:58):
You know, you went back and learned a few things that helped you in your own
life, but now also how to help other parents.
And you have a support group that meets a couple times a month so that you can
support the moms and dads who are.
Trying to figure out how do I parent? How do I get my kid to talk to me?
How do I get them to hear me? How do I hear them? How do I even know what they need?
(07:19):
What's the best avenue? You know, parents who have tried, you know,
just all the things and not feeling like they're being successful.
Yeah. Yeah. It's a beautiful.
So it's twice a week and it is common.
Yes. So Tuesday evenings and Fridays midday.
And it's the common thread is that everyone in the group is parenting someone over the age of 18.
(07:44):
I would say, you know, we have a couple that have sons and daughters that are
in their older 20s. But I would say the bulk of our group is 18 to,
say, 26, you know, moms and dads in the group.
And it could be any anything that you might be parenting through in that in
that age group from where do I set the financial boundary to how do I support
(08:08):
my daughter who's in an unhealthy romantic relationship to my son,
you know, sleeps all day,
games all night and smokes a lot of weed and he's not moving forward in his life.
And I think the beautiful thing about that support group is that parents feel
alone when, you know, they feel alone and they think they did something wrong
when they're parenting.
(08:28):
You know, this is why my kid is, you know, not moving forward or not doing well
or making unhealthy choices when the reality is part of becoming an adult is
sometimes making unhealthy choices and learning from those things.
And parents do not want their kids to fail or they do not want their kids to
(08:50):
have their heart broken or make unhealthy choices.
And this is a time when, like no other, you know you have no control.
Yeah, absolutely. I say we cannot wait for our kiddos to buckle themselves in
the car seat, to wipe their own butt, to tie their own shoes,
all those things. Right. We cannot wait for that independence.
And then all of a sudden they turn to teenage years and we start pulling in
(09:13):
the reins and we're like, no, you can't go here because we're afraid of what's
going to happen and what you're going to do or who's going to,
you know, like we, we just, we try to bring them in closer or ground them.
And I always say, don't ground your teenager.
If you don't even like being around them, why would you ground them?
You know, it's like, let's spend more time listening to them,
hearing them, and boosting them up and helping them believe,
(09:33):
letting them know that we believe they are capable of going through hard things,
making mistakes, picking up the pieces, and moving forward. word.
So I like to say that with kiddos, when you're afraid to let them go with other
people, one of the best messages you can send to them is, you know,
I really don't like this group you're hanging out with this particular kid,
(09:54):
but I hope some of you wears off on them.
Versus the message that they're going to be influenced negatively by this other
person, they're not capable of standing up for themselves or making good decisions for themselves.
So I love everything thing that you're doing to help parents to empower their
teens and young adults through the hard stuff rather than wrapping the bubble around them.
(10:16):
How do you help coach parents on not becoming triggered by those everyday things
that can trigger us or set us off, like the whining, not listening to us, disrespect,
you know, I hate you, becoming aggressive or, you know, know,
fighting with their siblings.
So I think this is a process. When I work with parents, what they don't seem,
(10:40):
they are triggered, right? They're triggered by their kid's behavior.
Yes, the whining, sibling fighting, being told, I hate you, that kind of, that, that really,
if their kid is not measuring up to other kids, you know, because parents do
a lot of comparison, that can be very triggering to parents too.
They're very egoically connected to who their kid is as being a reflection of who they are.
(11:07):
And I talk to parents about, first of all, again, it's a process,
but it is really looking at what do I believe about myself?
And how is that affecting the parent that I am being to my kids?
And we take on our beliefs subconsciously in the first several years of our
(11:28):
lives, typically within the realm of the relationship with our primary caregivers.
So our mom and dad, okay?
They write on what we believe about ourselves.
And that operates beneath the surface of our adult relationships unless we take
the time to really look at, I have four questions that I take parents through,
(11:51):
but we really look at what do I believe about myself and how is that affecting
my marriage, my parenting,
my, my cowork situation,
my, you know, my relationship with my employer, but let's just narrow that down
to the parent child relationship, right? What do I believe about myself?
(12:12):
And when you ask yourself out that question, initially what comes up are,
well, I believe that I'm a nurturing mother. I believe that I'm a loving wife.
It's the roles that we play, but I want people to go deeper than that.
And what I found and what I wrote about in my book were the six beliefs that
I took on from my childhood that I didn't realize were operating in my life
(12:35):
until I really took the time and I mean more than 10 minutes,
but I mean like over time, I really observed myself and started to think.
What do I believe about myself?
And for many years, I was operating from a belief that I wasn't worthy of being heard, okay?
And I can pinpoint, so the second question is, first it's what do I believe about myself?
(13:00):
Really doing a deep dive there. Then with each one of those beliefs that come up.
Where, where did that come from? What is the first time I remember feeling like
what I had to say didn't matter?
And in particular, with this example with myself not feeling heard,
which, and in my parenting looked like my kids disrespecting me,
(13:23):
not listening to me, came from being six years old and in a situation with my father one evening.
It was a summer in Wisconsin, and the situation with mowing over my littlest
brother on a swing set and breaking his arm and not meaning to do it and trying
to explain myself to my dad and him getting angry and spanking me,
(13:47):
and that shut me down in terms of feeling like what I had to say didn't matter.
And so I carried that belief throughout my school years, in my marriage, in my parenting.
And so the third question, so we go, what do I believe about myself?
Where did that come from? Where's the first time I remember feeling that way
(14:09):
or taking that belief on? And then the third question is, is it true?
Is it true? And really asking yourself and some of the things you believe about
yourself are absolutely true.
But the ones that aren't the ones that you say, that's not true.
And I decided as a 40 some year old woman, that's not true.
Like, I do have things to say that matter. And I can make a difference.
(14:32):
And I'm worth listening to.
So that was the shift there. And then the hardest part, the most challenging
part, can be the fourth question, which is, if that's not true, what is? Mm-hmm.
So, and then operating from that. So,
making the decision that what I had to say mattered and I am worthy of being
(14:56):
heard and playing that out within the context of the parent-child relationship
I was having with each of my kids within my marriage and every time, quite frankly,
down to the little things like showing up on TikTok and doing a video every day.
This is me reaffirming my new belief that what I have to say matters.
(15:19):
That's so, so good. That belief system is so key.
Going back, looking at the negative beliefs, and I'm sure you had more than one.
You just gave us the example of, you know.
Yes, that's an easy one to carry through. And I think that it's one a lot of
moms feel, feel unheard. They feel disrespectful.
(15:42):
Did. So when you really look at, right, that belief about yourself and question
whether or not it's true, you decide.
You decide. Because a long time ago, it was written on me.
And this is no beef against my dad, you know, at this point, obviously.
(16:02):
But I think parents don't understand the gravity of how they write on their kid's.
And the importance as adults to look back and question whether or not what they took on is true or not,
and making a conscious decision from that point forward to live intentionally
(16:26):
from the belief that they have as an adult and not as a child.
Yep. And I absolutely love that. We can look back at our four-year-old,
six-year-old, 10-year-old, 15-year-old self and acknowledge and validate the belief that we took on.
But then as the adult, we can look back at that and say, what is true now?
(16:48):
That's, I absolutely love that, Kim. I didn't even know that piece about you
or your program. So I love, I'm loving you even more.
And also we're just, I'm just going to put a quick plug in here for Dr.
J.J. Kelly of Unorthodox Inc., drjjkelly.com.
She helps us identify the difference between thoughts and feelings.
So parents, I highly recommend you check out Dr. J.J. Kelly at drjjkelly.com. Happy people act right.
(17:13):
And be sure to pick up her latest book, Holy Shit, So All This Is Shame.
If you're interested in learning more, again, go to drjjkelly.com.
Okay, so it begins with us as parents doing our own work.
And I tell my parents this all the time that I work with.
When you really have paid some attention to yourself and you're the confident
(17:36):
leader that I say our kids crave us to be, it doesn't mean you have to be confident
in every, you know, you don't have to know everything.
But when a problem comes your way, you're like, hey, I'm capable.
I've got this. I can plan for it. I can help resolve this and I'm good. Your kids just settle.
Yeah. Our kids, they just ease in, right? Yeah.
Well, I say, you know, parents, they don't want, they don't take care of their
(17:59):
own emotional well-being very Well,
they're always looking, you know, to take care of everybody else,
whether that's provide for them or, you know, just emotionally support them
and they don't get the support themselves.
And our kids feel our energy, right? Like, and so in particular parents who
lack confidence with an emerging adult who is not moving forward in their lives, right?
(18:24):
I understand that because we can be very empathetic, right?
We can be, you know, and it's so hard to see your emerging adult who you know
has so much potential and so many great talents not seeing that within themselves.
It hurts your mom and dad heart very much.
It does not help them, though, for you to get stuck in that low energy, right?
(18:46):
I'm not saying put on rose-colored glasses and pretend there's not a problem.
That's not what I'm saying.
Actually, you're saying the opposite of that. Yeah, I'm saying model what you wish to see in them.
Take good care of yourself so that your energy is is not in that low,
you know, that low vibe that they're in at the moment.
(19:06):
Help them by letting them know you believe in them.
Help instead of getting angry at them for not getting a job.
You know, like, I understand.
And that's what parents bring to the support group is all the frustration and
all the stuff so that and then we kind of, you know, we kind of give some strategy
and prop them up so they can go back in the game.
Yeah, I love it. I absolutely love it. So let's talk really quick about some
(19:29):
of those ways that we can get our kiddos to talk with them when they don't want
to talk and maybe some red flags that we should be looking for.
You know, sometimes I think when a child is really acting out,
a teen, a young adult is really acting out and messing up or,
you know, causing all kinds of outward external problems.
That's a no-brainer for us. We're like, ah, they're struggling. Something's going on.
(19:50):
There's also that teen that's isolating. That's maybe the yes teen, right?
They're like, everything's going along just fine. And then all of a sudden you're
like, but something's not right there.
There's still, you know, you can kind of tell they're not themselves.
What are some of the physical and emotional signs to be paying attention to?
Well, and let's just preface that by saying this is why it's important for parents
(20:13):
to be emotionally connected with their intuition and parenting from here and
not from the anxious chatter in their heads.
Because, yes, we want to be aware and kind of have a temperature gauge on all
our kids at all times, right?
Had five different kids, five different temperaments, five, you know,
(20:33):
like that kind of a thing.
But when parents are not, when they're so busy and so stressed,
first of all, their kids will not come to them if they do have something going on.
They will not come because they can sense from your energy and just from your
behavior that you can't take on anything.
(20:53):
You know, like you can't, they're not going to burden you with one more thing.
So I think you had talked about what red flags to look for. Or I think a lot
of it, especially when they're teens and emerging adults, one of the red flags
is like, are they socializing at all?
Believe me, parents tell me all the time, especially when it comes to their sons.
(21:14):
Well, they're socializing on their gaming, but they're, you know,
and they're disengaging with the real world.
They're, you know, if that is the only socialization that they're doing is talking
amongst themselves on a game.
It's not that it's not socializing, and I have sons that do this myself,
but are they getting out in the real world and do they have interaction with
(21:37):
other people? Are they leaving home?
When your son or daughter is shutting down to a place where they might spend
a fair amount of time in their room when they're home, right?
I mean, I think a lot of kids do. It's like their space or whatever.
But if they're not engaging with family, if they're not engaging in some way
in the outside world, I'd be worried.
(21:58):
If they're drinking or using weed by themselves, I'd be worried.
That's definitely a red flag behavior. If you have a normally or the temperament
of your son or daughter is fairly even keeled and for some reason they're really
starting to get moody and angry and snapping at you,
(22:18):
I would wonder, that would be a red flag to me, what's going on?
The one thing that parents are dealing with in the later teen and early 20s
is that can be when some of the mental health disorders really show themselves,
like bipolar and borderline personality.
These things can kind of come out during those years.
(22:40):
So parents needing to kind of weigh, like, could this be something more in a mental health way?
Is this being exacerbated by substance use? So those are some of the red flag
behaviors I'd be concerned about.
In terms of, you know, wanting our kids to talk to us, I talk about the 80-20
rule when it comes to parenting teens and emerging adults.
(23:04):
And that is listen 80% of the time, talk 20% of the time.
I run into parents who always, they continually want to ask questions because
they're curious and they want to know what's going on in their kid's mind.
But the reality is our kids get to a certain age and they don't necessarily
want a lot of questions and they feel like they're being interrogated even though
(23:28):
we're well-meaning and just asking because we're curious.
And I've noticed, especially my sons, I have four of them, I've noticed that
when I get quiet, but present. So I'm around and available.
Like I'm in the kitchen when they're in the kitchen, but I'm not asking questions
or I'm not trying to fill in the space, especially with some of my quieter sons.
(23:48):
They will talk.
If I am just quiet and present, they will step in.
I think the thing I love most about what you offer to parents,
aside from the social media tips, which parents, I mean, check out her Instagram and TikTok pages.
You'll read a letter that a parent wrote to you about a situation or challenge,
(24:10):
and then you'll give some suggestions or ideas around that.
But just your quick little, you know, one to two minute QA response that you
have on there is so helpful.
And then also that, and I didn't realize, I thought it was two times a month,
two times a week that you offer the support group.
So, and then you also get to learn Learn from other parents who are asking questions
that maybe you didn't even think to ask, but you're going to find some benefit
(24:33):
from the coaching that you're offering those other parents.
Also, Kim, before we wrap up, I want to encourage parents to go to your website,
reallifeparentingguide.com.
And I am just so grateful for you coming on the show.
Jackie, it's been wonderful. And yes, I wanted to create the support group in
(24:53):
particular so that every parent who needs some support could get it at a really
reasonable rate and to see that they're not alone.
Because I do feel like parents feel as if they are alone in their struggles.
And I just want them to know that they're not.
You know, there are bumps. This is a transition in parenting.
(25:16):
And there are bumps for emerging adults.
Sometimes we wish they wouldn't have to go through some of the things that they
are going through in order to become who they're meant to become.
But we're there to support them and not enable situations.
Well, I definitely appreciate that. And we'll be sending the parents in my No
Problem Parenting community over to you that have those teens and young adults
(25:39):
for just consistent support.
I mean, if you're raising teens, this is such a great way to stay connected
for when you need it as it happens and to do step two in No Problem Parenting, prepare for the worst.
Being able to join your support group and hear about some of the challenges
that parents have gone through and come out the other side.
Incredible. Just absolutely love it. You know, I'm a huge fan.
(26:03):
So thanks again very much for being on the show. Thank you so much for having me.
All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast.
Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode,
click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost.
Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents For more parenting
(26:27):
tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without
losing your cool, go to NoProblemParents.com.
Until next time, remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks.
So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember, you got this.
Music.
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