Too Far Gone? A Story of Tragedy, Hope, and Redemption

*In this episode, we talk openly about grief, death, and personal tragedy. If these topics are difficult for you, please listen with care.*

In this powerful and deeply personal episode, Blake and Taylor share their journey through professional trauma, personal tragedy, and spiritual crisis. Blake, a firefighter following in his father's footsteps, found his identity in serving others—until the cumulative weight of devastating calls and a heartbreaking miscarriage nearly destroyed his faith, his marriage, and his sense of self.

Together, Blake and Taylor recount the darkest moments of their lives: the grief of losing a child, the psychological toll of emergency service work, and the silent suffering that almost tore them apart. But through pain, confrontation, and unexpected grace, they discovered that no one is beyond redemption. This is a story about God's great grace and redemption in the lives of Blake and Taylor—and a reminder that no one is ever too broken for God to restore.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's up y'all?
It's JB here I'm going to bedoing the intro.
We are crazy busy in the heatof things for summer, so all of
our schedules are crazy, but I'mso thankful that Brody was able
to sit down and do thisinterview.
He grabbed Blake and Taylor,who's a married couple, and they
actually came as chaperones.

(00:21):
They're youth leaders in theiryouth group and it was just so
cool to hear their story.
Brody has known Blake's dad fora while.
They've been connected with SWOfor a while and so he was just
catching up with Blake andhearing his story and Brody said
hey, man, would you like toshare this on no Sanity, on the
podcast?

(00:41):
And so I'm super grateful andthankful for their vulnerability
and their just such shortnotice to come up on NSR and
share their story.
It was super impactful andencouraging for me to hear and I
hope and pray that their storyimpacts you and encourages you.
And, like I said, man, theywere just they're awesome so

(01:02):
vulnerable.
It was just so cool to meetthem and to hear their story and
so, yeah, that's what we'll begetting into.
I really hope you guys enjoy.
Welcome to no Sanity Required.

Speaker 2 (01:18):
Welcome to no Sanity Required from the Ministry of
Snowbird Wilderness Outfitters.
A podcast about the bible,culture and stories from around
the globe how long y'all beenmarried seven years going on.

Speaker 3 (01:35):
Seven and y'all were childhood sweethearts we were.

Speaker 4 (01:39):
We were, oh well, you say childhood.
I know like we met in firstgrade, um, and it was only first
grade in that class that wewere together very quickly,
starting from second grade toninth.
She was doing so well in schooland I was.

Speaker 3 (01:54):
I was your average boy and so we got separated
pretty quickly um, like a creekwater drinking kind of kid.

Speaker 4 (02:01):
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah , she was worried about reading
books and I was out drinkingcreek water, that's for sure.
So, um, it wasn't until ninthgrade that we had got back into
the same classes.
We had seen each other, butthat was about it.
And then it was ninth grade.
I was like what's different?
What's different about taylorcooper over there?
Like I don't know what you'retalking about.
I was like no, something'sdifferent.

(02:22):
One of leaders here, his olderbrother was at the time with me
and I said that's her.
He's like what do you mean?
I said that's the girl that I'mgoing to marry right there.
And he's like yeah, okay, andit was.

Speaker 5 (02:36):
She made me fight for it, you know what I'm thinking
about right now is I got savedthe summer before ninth grade
saved the summer before ninthgrade.
Oh really, yep, that's rightthat's right, but the summer
before ninth grade, oh that'scool.
It was like probably threeweeks before.
I was like how am I gonna go tohigh school as a christian?

Speaker 3 (02:50):
oh no wow, that's cool.

Speaker 4 (02:53):
So like in retrospect I was a lot different actually
that's cool oh yeah, I wouldstare at her from the back of
the class and I was really slick, but apparently she saw me the
entire time.
I was not slick, super subtle.

Speaker 5 (03:08):
You're still very stealthy.

Speaker 3 (03:10):
And y'all got married right after high school.

Speaker 4 (03:14):
We did.
We graduated 2017 in May andthen, by August of 2018, we got
married.

Speaker 3 (03:20):
You grew up at Madison Street.

Speaker 5 (03:22):
He did.

Speaker 3 (03:23):
Oh, you did, I did.
I know Blake's dad, but he usedto go to FPC and now goes to
Cross Church.
These are all area churches inStark Florida where these guys
are from.
So when did you end up atMadison Street?
Was that because of yourrelationship with Callahan, one
of the pastors?

Speaker 4 (03:43):
there I grew up.
When my parents had me, theywere at an older Baptist church
that didn't really have a youngfoundation there.
There was no next generationreally coming up.
They had tried out MadisonStreet and were hooked.
They had been there all my life.
I'd stay there because that wasmy family.

(04:05):
I was plugged in, mom and dad,what it was this first Baptist
was splitting I'm not quite surewhat you want to call it, but
they were turning into a newchurch.
Somebody was taking that, andso they had come and talked to
some Madison Street people,because the people who were
starting it used to go toMadison Street.
We're like, hey, we're startinga new church.
And so mom and dad had feltthat their family was led to

(04:25):
that church and we had to prayabout it as a newly married
couple, which is a big decisionAll my family's moving away from
this church and we had todecide a very heavy decision
very quickly I'm sorry, but Godis calling us to stay here and
which was tough, especiallybecause COVID hit right after
that and nobody, especiallybecause covid hit right after

(04:46):
that and nobody.
You know, like churches closeddown, yeah, um so, and we had an
interim, all the differentstuff.
So we were like, did we makethe right choice?
Was that really what god wastelling us?
And then richard shows up andwe were like, oh, yeah, yeah, no
we, we did the right thing.

Speaker 3 (04:55):
We, we really love our choice richard's the lead
pastor at that church and he's agood friend, snubbered friend,
good friend of mine, awesomedude.
Um, uh, callahan, kind of he'sa pastor, he's, he's the guy
that brings students to swo.
I've known callahan since, uh,maybe 2020, 2021.

(05:17):
I was speaking at a pastor'sconference in jacksonville and
richard brought callahan canmeet some people and you're like
, oh, oh man, this guy, we're onthe same team, same tribe and
he the Lord had really used himin your life.
I know we'll get into that.
That really plays into y'allstory, as we're about to get
into that story.
But what was your history withhim?
So you had, you had known himprior.

Speaker 4 (05:39):
I didn't know him at all until he started.
We were his.
Madison street was his firstjob as a youth pastor.

Speaker 3 (05:43):
So he was your youth pastor.

Speaker 4 (05:45):
Yes, he started my junior year.

Speaker 3 (05:47):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (05:47):
And we are the reason he now has all of his rules in
place.
We really trialed him by fireTrialed by fire For sure.
Welcome to youth ministry.
Welcome to youth ministry.

Speaker 3 (05:58):
You did him a favor, man.

Speaker 5 (05:59):
And he was like 25 or something.
He was young.

Speaker 4 (06:05):
He wasn't that much older than we were, you know,
it's really been really cool tosee callahan and his wife
delaney change and grow, aseveryone else has in ministry,
just because we get there andthey're they're kids, you know
um older we are, but yeah, butlike they weren't quite sure
what to do, we were kind offinding loopholes on what we can
do and, um, just seeingeverybody grow.

(06:26):
But he, he's done a great job.
It's really been great havingcallahan there in youth and um,
it's really been fun as an adultnow talking with him as he's
become our best friend him anddelaney yeah, that was like
right after high school tellinghim stories and I'm so glad
y'all didn't do that when I wasthere.
I'm like you were there.

Speaker 3 (06:43):
I'm so glad we did it didn't do that when I was there
.
I'm like you were there, I'm soglad we didn't.
You were there.
Callahan's so faithful.
We came to y'all's church onEaster Sunday, maybe three years
ago.
We were staying.
There's a lot of lakes iny'all's area, I don't know if
y'all remember this, but we justwalked in.
I didn't know he could sing.

(07:04):
That dude gets up there and Idon't even remember what he sung
.
Now, but little, my wife,little, is like no, I don't want
to say critical, she justappreciates music.
I don't.
I'm just like, yeah, that guysings good, but I mean I like
Dwight Yoakam.
So I don't.
I don't know how good my tasteis, you know, but you know when
somebody's legit and Little'slike we're in church and she

(07:30):
goes, oh my goodness, this guy'sphenomenal, yeah, and shout out
Callahan's an NSR listener,He'll listen to this.

Speaker 4 (07:35):
Yeah, he's going to have a hard time walking through
doors after this podcast,that's for sure.
That head, yeah, he's veryhumble, except in board games.
He'll tell you right now he hasthe Lord's favor in board games
.

Speaker 3 (07:46):
He's not humble there .
Not a bad.
That's a good place to haveLord's favor.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 (07:50):
I mean it's unreal.

Speaker 3 (07:52):
Really.

Speaker 4 (07:54):
Like nine out of ten times he beats us.
He wins.
Has to be Lord's favor, has tobe It'll be me.

Speaker 5 (07:59):
Blake, callahan and Delaney and we're like board
game night.
It's just everybody againstCallahan.
We're just going to try to makethem lose tonight.

Speaker 3 (08:04):
That's the game 100%.

Speaker 5 (08:07):
But then I'll trade and Delany just looks at me like
why are you breaking the rules?
Do not trade with Callahan,we're going to lose.

Speaker 3 (08:12):
Okay, so is this like ?
I think it was Colonel Mustardwith the candlestick?

Speaker 4 (08:16):
in the library we're talking Catan.
Okay, this is more the strategygames.

Speaker 5 (08:22):
okay, yes, all right yeah because now, even even just
random, like he, still winslike exploding kittens and all
you do is flip a card and hopefor the best.

Speaker 4 (08:29):
Some people, some people just have favor in those
ways.
That's why it's an extreme lovelanguage for me to play card
games with her she loves itbecause, well, she'll win.
I don't care what the game is,she'll win.
But I asked her to playcheckers.
We were newly married.
One time she was traveling withme for a job and I I thought
right then and there she wasgonna be like you know what I'm
done?
Um, I like she's like I despisecheckers, and we're newly

(08:51):
married.
I was like I hadn't, I had noidea, and so I had immediately
stepped on toes and, uh, we'venever played checkers again.

Speaker 5 (08:58):
Hilarious that's my checkers, checkers, almost you
just walked by checkers and I'mlike remember that day.

Speaker 3 (09:03):
Yeah, we're not gonna play that game no more um, so
let's get into I'd like to getinto y'all first off y'all story
.
You shared it with me the othernight and I was like man, I
really want the nsr crowd tohear this because it's a
powerful and it's it's still anongoing unfolding.
We're all still in our story.

(09:24):
If you're breathing and living,you're still in your story.
So I want to be real clear.
Anytime I have someone on NSR,I like to make sure people
understand we're not telling youa story that has now come to an
end unless that person haspassed.
And we've done episodes, foryou know, we did one on my, my
father-in-law.
Um, I I'd kind of told storyand it's like, yeah, that

(09:44):
story's come to an end, buty'all are in the thick of life.
I mean, you've got two littlegirls, what?

Speaker 4 (09:50):
are their ages, beautiful girls.
One is about to be three, theother one is six months, right
after we get home.

Speaker 3 (09:55):
All right, yeah, so buckle up, girl, dad, life is
the life for me.
I also raise boys and, um, Ialso raised boys, and that is a
different animal.
They do things like drink outof the Creek and and go to the
bathroom places they shouldn't,and you know.
So, um, yeah, being a girl,that's awesome.
So y'all, y'all are in themiddle.
I mean, you got baby girls.

(10:16):
I mean life is beginning foryou, but it almost didn't get
started.
That's what we want to get into.
It almost derailed before wecould even see the lord start to
build and grow this family, andso, um, let's go back to.
Your dad was a firefighter, sothat's the path you took you're
going into nursing you become afirefighter.

Speaker 4 (10:35):
That you that was the dream always wanted to do.
That was life yeah, um, you seeyour dad in that role.
That's, and most firefightersare that way.
Most firefighters are secondgeneration, third generation, um
.
There are some who are like,yeah, it's the first time, um,
but you can't see a male figurein your life in that role and
not feel like that's, that's thetip of the spear right there.

(10:57):
That that's the manly job likethat.
That guy right there, um, anduh, yeah, that was that was it.
I was like this is what I'mgonna do, and I told her that in
high school and I had to dosome odd and end jobs before I
could get there.
I let her finish school firstand then it was my turn.
But oh yeah, that was alwaysthe always the goal so you, you
get into that career field.

Speaker 3 (11:17):
How long, how?
How long were you in thatbefore you started to realize
trauma and death?
And you're, you're, you'reshowing up on people's worst day
.
And how long did that end tothe career before that became a
reality?

Speaker 4 (11:38):
they start telling you in school, like they start
preparing you mentally, and youknow, and you see pictures and
you're studying cases, you knowand calls and going through
scenarios.
But I mean, day one, day one,you show up on the job.
Somebody calls and it's not a,it's not a test, it's not a.
You know, like hey, we're goingto start them off easy.

(11:58):
People die every day, peoplehave terrible events happen
every day.

Speaker 3 (12:04):
So what was your?
What was the day one call, whatwas your first call?

Speaker 4 (12:07):
Day one call um, to be honest, um and this just
gives an insight into firstresponders not 90% of the job is
medical, 5% of the job isembarrassing things, Um and
really um, nasty stories, andthen about 5% is fires.
So my first call really tobreak me in and everybody in the

(12:29):
department thought it wasreally funny was a woman who
needed help getting out of achair so that way they could
replace the chair with a new one.
And, yes, very heavy and anyway.
So as the rookie, and the newguy they thought this was right

(12:49):
up his alley and unfortunatelythere are a lot of smells in
this environment.
Your nose gets broken prettyquick, you know, and you can't
sit here.
You don't want to make anybodyfeel bad, yeah you don't want to
make them seem.

Speaker 5 (13:04):
you know you're judging them, so you sit here,
you don't want to make anybodyfeel bad, you don't?
Yeah, you don't want to makethem seem.
You know you're judging them.

Speaker 4 (13:07):
So you're just sitting here with a smile on
your face, you're still likeshowing the love of Christ.

Speaker 5 (13:10):
You're not able to stand up on your own, and this
is the worst smile I've eversmelled in my life.

Speaker 4 (13:19):
So, anyway, we come here while they say while you're
here, can we, can you help uschange her?
And you are a public servant?
Yes, yes, ma'am yes, we can wowand uh, and then we help her in
her new chair and so that rightthere just really gets you into
um, you know, calls that youdon't think you're going to go

(13:40):
on in school they don't tell you, hey, you're going to go to.
Really nasty, embarrassingcalls that seem not 9-1-1 worthy
like you should not impress9-1-1.
You should have called yourdaughter-in-law call family, but
that is the sad reality isfamily isn't there, there's no
family, she's alone so, um, yeah, so that was my first call.

(14:01):
But then, immediately after that, it was a rollover with two
teens.
Luckily they were okay.
But I mean, you're rolling upand you're this new guy, this
new kid, and all of a suddenyou're like that truck is total.
Oh my gosh, they have to bedead.
I'm like, no, they're out there.
And you're like, oh, okay,that's good.
But then you'll show up andit's a you know fender bender

(14:21):
and you're like, oh, okay,everybody must be okay.
No, he had a heart attack whenhe hit that car.
So it, yeah, there's no, almostsoft arbitrary who dies and who
survives Sometimes it makes you,makes you numb to it and,
honestly, this whole, you knowand I'm glad to be doing this,
it is a privilege to be here andum, you know, first responders,

(14:47):
firefighters, law enforcement,um, they don't talk about it and
talk about the job.
And uh, like we said the othernight, um, you don't want to
seem like a victim, you don'twant to seem like this person
who's like I can't handle this,you know, uh, and then also like
being the PTSD and stuff is new.
Uh, if you get diagnosed withthat, they'll take you off the
job.
And so you're talking aboutguys who've been on the job now

(15:08):
and are afraid to lose pensions,retirements, whatever, and all
of a sudden they're like hey,listen, I'm struggling here.
They're quick, all right.
Well, you, you know you need tobe on light duty or you need to
be like medical.
You know, like what is it?
Um, let's say you're medicallyunfit and basically they will
retire you right there.
You're on medical mental leave.
People don't want that.

(15:30):
People don't open up.
You also don't want to feellike less of a man, so you
bottle it up.
That's why the number one causeof firefighter death for a long
time was heart attacks andcancer.
One out of three firefightersdie of cancer every year.
Now the new highest cause ofdeath is suicide, and so you got

(15:50):
to think if one out of threeare dying of cancer, how many
are dying of suicide?
It's real rampant.
We had it in multipledepartments when I was working,
all around us, and so I thinkit's good to talk about it, as
hard as it is for me toespecially talk about what we
will hear in a minute.
It's um, it's important.

Speaker 3 (16:08):
Yeah, and one thing we always try to do on NSR is,
from time to time, really shinea light on the service.
I don't like to use the wordsacrifice.
I hate that word.
Jesus was sacrificed.
Sacrifice, I hate that word.

(16:31):
Jesus was sacrificed.
Um, I have a hard time, even aspatriotic as I am thinking of.
You know, I did.
I did the Murph on Memorial day.
I did the Murph workout and youthink of Michael Murphy, and
yes, he's, his life wassacrificed for the freedom of
this country and for the.
You know that's a big deal tome, but I love that.
It's called service, it's a lifeof service because you're

(16:54):
serving.
And it's to me that there'sthis bigger gospel component of
that.
Same in the medical field.
It's the same in the medicalfield, even though y'all aren't
first responders.
Um, jesus said son of mandidn't come to be served but to
serve and to give his life.
Now to serve and to sacrifice,you know, and so I think a lot

(17:14):
of times.
So sacrifice is those peoplethat die in the line, but
service is what consumes yourentire career and I um you going
on that first call.
That's.
That's a bad day for that lady.
You know who's creating a God'simage who's probably completely
humiliated.
Or maybe she's at a point inher life where this is just her

(17:36):
lot in life and she's like Idon't you know, but that's, and
so you're serving.
You ain't saving anybody's life, but you're serving.
And I want to have people onhere like y'all, because a lot
of our listeners live in that.
We have a ton of firefighters,leos, military veterans, active

(17:57):
duty military and I always wantto shine a light on that, but I
don't want to do it in a cheesyway where it's like thank you
for your service, I'm going topick up your tab, that's great,
but I don't want to do it in acheesy way where it's like thank
you for your service.
You know I'm going to pick upyour tab.
That's great, but I want to.
I want stories to be told, andespecially stories that
intersect with the gospel, andso there's pretty early in your
career, you have one of thoselife changing calls that you go
on way earlier than I expected.

Speaker 4 (18:18):
And you know and I love the way you look at that
that thank you for your service,not sacrifice, um, the men and
women who are on the job,whether it's law enforcement,
firefighter, even military right, um, the the mental thing there
is it's, it's the job, that'sour job.
Whether you know, when peoplelike how do you, how do you run

(18:38):
into that building, or how doyou do this, or whatever it's
the job, you know, she asked mesome questions.
She's like you know, like onthat you call, we'll talk about
here in a minute like did younot look?
And like, no, you don't look,you just are told go and you go,
um, and it's not.
Oh, look at me.
Every man and woman on the jobdoes that because that's what
they want to do.
And so even the 343firefighters who died, um, you

(19:02):
know, for nine, you know, during9 them, them guys right there
would have told you this is myjob.
Them guys didn't have to go in.
They said we're going, yeah,and so, um, it's uh, it's, it's
a lot, um, but at the same time,they are, they are eager and
they're ready, um, and that is.
That is a really cool thingbecause they I didn't realize

(19:22):
how much time, even in two years, I had missed with our first
daughter.
Uh, until I'm out and we'relooking at videos and I'm like
why, you know, she in my, youknow, tell her go.
She's like, you know, what'sfunny is I, all these videos we
have is because I had to sendthem to you and I was like I had
no idea that I missed that much.
Um, so, yeah, no, no, it's um,it's quick.

(19:44):
Yeah, no, life-changing callshappen real quick and I, and
honestly, I think if, if anyfirefighter or law enforcement
officer, anybody reallylistening, um, if they were
really take a moment to reflecton it themselves, they would
admit.
Every day you see something thatbothers you.
You push it back.
I hope you open up to somebodyand you talk about it, whether

(20:07):
it's a brother on the force,brother in your department, or
hopefully you have a goodChristian brother that you can
come to and get good spiritualadvice.
Because what I had found is youbuild a deep relationship with
the people you serve with.
Your life is in their hands.
You fully trust these peopleand you go to for advice and

(20:30):
it's not their fault, but ifsomebody is not a Christian.
They're not pursuing God.
They might give you good advice, but it's not the advice you
need and there's no hopesometimes in that advice.
Sometimes their advice comesfrom a place of hurt as well.
Here's what I did and I'm doing, okay, you know.
So I would highly encouragesomeone to find a good Christian

(20:53):
brother, even if they're not onthe department, right?
You don't think that?
We think that, like peoplecan't bear, people don't want to
hear what we see, the Biblecalls you to bear one another's
burden.
Yes, but it's a heavy burden andthat's why and I'm hoping that
I don't um get emotional here ina minute, but it's a heavy
heavy burden and you almost kindof like I don't want to put

(21:15):
that on somebody else because Ididn't want that on me right?
I didn't want to see that inthe first place.
Um so, um, it's kind of likesecondhand smoking, like I chose
to smoke smoke.
You know what I mean.
They didn't choose smoke, so umanyway, um, yeah, no, you don't
.
You don't really know how fastyour life will get changed or
what you will see.
Um, because everybody has anemergency every day.
Um, and you can.

(21:36):
There are blissful days whereyou won't get a single call.
You'll show up for all 24 hoursand you can wash your truck,
take a nap, do some training,work out, and it's just a
wonderful day with the guys.
And then the next day iscardiac arrest, a stroke, a fire
, a wreck, and it's just, it'severything.
The world falls apart andyou're the one they call to fix
it.
A huge burden we even talkedabout the other day.

(21:59):
I started to because it's sucha big job and I was so excited
to be a part of this.
I saw my dad do it and I just Ilook up to him so much in that
I very quickly was like this ismy identity.
I removed myself outside oflike oh, I'm a, you know,
christian.
First and above all else, Ibecame a firefighter.

Speaker 5 (22:22):
Well, that's like a big part of our culture, I think
, to just perpetuate, likepeople working to make other
things happen, you know, I meanwe all have to work together to
make life go around and like soit's almost like perpetuated in
your culture, like oh, it's not.
Like, oh, who are you?
It's like, oh, hey, my name'staylor, what do you do?
Yeah, that's.

Speaker 3 (22:39):
that's very insightful and I think that is
tied to um.
When you look at at Genesis 3and God is sort of he's cursing
the earth, basically because ofsin, and he talks about how Adam
is going to have to labor andtoil and strive but that the

(23:01):
earth is not going to cooperate.
That's not when work became athing.
God, before the fall, god hadtold Adam to work.
Work was to be stewardship andpartnership with God, so work
was part of God's originaldesign.
But then, after the fall, workbecomes, there's becomes tension
where work is hard.
But it's also I think that'swhere it became an identifying

(23:23):
characteristic for people.
This is what I do If it's notwho you are, but it's also, I
think that's where it became anidentifying characteristic for
people.
This is what I do If it's notwho you are, but I don't want to
discount.
But it is a big part of shapingand forming who you are.
But it's not your identity,it's an identifying
characteristic of you.

Speaker 5 (23:38):
All through the Bible , though, people are
discriminated.
You know I'm a shepherd, so I'mgoing to live in this region.
You're going to stay herebecause you're a lot better than
I am.
You're Egyptian, so you get tostay in the nice places, but
I'll take care of the cattle andI'll do the hard work.

Speaker 3 (23:52):
That's insightful, that's a good thought.
So let's get into that callthat started to, I think, turn
for you.
It started to change you.

Speaker 4 (24:07):
I, you know, you asked my parents, which
obviously they're not here, toconfirm that.
But, um, always a big heartalways cares.
Um, I take I do my dad picks,and so you know I pick.
That's how the men are, but, um, we care a lot and uh, that's
the.
You know, seeing dad helppeople, that's what I wanted to
do.

(24:27):
So, um, you did your best to puton a front like, oh yeah, these
calls don't bother me, but theystacked up pretty quick and so
I think it wasn't until we had alittle bit of, you know, trauma
in our lives that really I juststarted to snowball.
Um, cause, like we talked aboutthe other night, it's really
easy to be like, oh, I have hope, god's working everything out
for their good.
You know what I mean.
Like I see this family losethis person in this way and I

(24:50):
see all this death or, or, um,you know, life changing injury,
and I'm like, okay, god willmake that good, god will make
that good.
And then my life is impactedand I'm either like you know
what you know, so the, the hopestarted to go away and um, the
first, the first um, and thefirst, the first.

Speaker 3 (25:11):
And that your life being impacted outside of the
job.
But something that y'all wentthrough is what you're talking
about.

Speaker 4 (25:18):
Okay, do you want to talk about that?
It was.

Speaker 5 (25:25):
We had a we miscarried a baby in between our
two daughters, and it was.
I have never been moreblindsided.
Well, our first pregnancy wasperfect, so I just, I guess,
assumed.
And then, as soon as you getpregnant, you imagine life as
like oh, in nine months, ourlife's going to look like this.
In three years, it's going tolook like this, this.

(25:57):
And then, in you know oneultrasound, it goes from hope
for the future to just acompletely different outlook and
and somehow you just feel likeyou, you grieve a person you
never met.
sorry it's um you, you grieve aperson that you never got to
meet but you love just as muchas, like I do, my first daughter
.
You know, sorry, I told youthat I I got saved in ninth

(26:27):
grade, you know, and that wasthe first time where I was like,
oh, like we talked about thisweek, like God uses all things
for our good and for his gloryand like, up until that incident
, I could see, like, no matterwhat, god's sovereign and mighty
and all powerful overeverything.
But then I was like, if he, Iwas just angry because I, like I

(26:49):
still knew that I wish I didn'tbelieve that any less and that
made me more angry, because Iwas like, if you were all
powerful, like you could havesaid okay, like you could have
said yes and brought my babyhere to perfection you know what
I mean and created them in mywomb, like only the master can
do.
And anyways, it was sorry, itwas difficult, very difficult,

(27:18):
and I was just, I was shaken ina way that had never been shaken
and torn down and Blake had tolead me as a husband, and like
he had never had to lead mebefore because I'm pretty, I
don't know like he's a goodhusband and a good spiritual

(27:39):
leader, but he had never had tobe.
He had to lead me to christlike that, because I was active,
like I could feel myselfactively pushing him.
When I told him like I talkedabout, I was like I don't
believe in God any less and Idon't deny any of the truths
that I know of him to be true.
But I also know that I'm angry,like I'm just angry.

(28:02):
I'm angry that you could havejust kept that little baby's
heart beating and you, just likehe, decided not to.
I just felt like, and so Ipushed him away, like I quit
reading my bible, I quit praying.
Like basically, like wheneveryou get mad at somebody, or when
somebody gets mad at somebody,I don't really do this, and they
just like bring it up againjust to be like I can't believe

(28:23):
you did that bad thing.
You're so you know, like Iwould just communicate and it
would come from a place of likeI just need I miss.
It's your.
It's like I missed my bestfriend, like my heart was like
aching and longing, you know, tobe close to the father again
and I, like my mind was like howcan you, like there's no
forgiveness, I can't forgive youfor taking my baby away.

(28:44):
And I told him that I was likeI've never felt like more like
distant from the Lord.
But also I've never felt theLord pulling me so hard back and
like and felt actively, like ifyou're going to pull me this
hard, like why?
Why just leave me alone?
I just want to be far away.
And he was like, don't be far.
Like I could just feel him,like like your heart aches

(29:05):
whenever you're homesick from,like, your family.
I don't, I don't get homesickfrom my home.
I could stay.
It's a place.
But if we're apart for too long, my heart aches for you.
I just want to be back closeagain.
My heart was just aching for solong and I was like I just want
to ache, I just want to feel mybaby.
I'm not going to have whoeverit was.
Our first daughter says it's abrother.

(29:26):
She still talks about herbrother.
I'm like okay, thank you, lethim know, but it it was just
hard.
I don't remember where thatstarted we talked the other
night about.

Speaker 3 (29:37):
One thing I think about with our miscarriages is
that I'm, I'm gonna in thesermon text.
Yesterday in spencer's sermonhe had romans 8, 18.
I consider the suffering ofthis present time not worth
comparing to the glory that's tobe revealed and knowing that

(29:58):
that child's gone before me hasexperienced that glory is
waiting for me.
It's going to be.
I did a deep dive study intoheaven this past year.
Um, I'm almost old enough toget, uh, the senior coffee
discount at mcdonald's and it'sthe first time I've ever in my
30 some year, christian life gotsaved.

(30:19):
When I was 20.
It's the first time I've everstudied heaven and I got so
excited like it.
It it just changed my life,thinking about this and but but
in moment, the point beingyou're in a difficult spot.
So now you're back to what youwere saying, blake.

(30:39):
You're dealing with this athome.

Speaker 4 (30:41):
You still got to go to work, and work is trauma and
death, and you end up that itwas no, you couldn't
internalizeize it all, youcouldn't compartmentalize it all
, and then work starts to nowhave a different impact because
you're so beat up personally Idon't in no way blame taylor for

(31:05):
me not being able to to cope orhave time to process, uh, cause
she, she was hit hard by themiscarriage, um, right away, and
so I was doing my absolute bestto be there for her and
encourage her.
Um, and you're right, the jobjust kept going and so, uh, that
was a very hard time to leaveand experience pain and come

(31:28):
home and experience pain, um, Iwould love to say that I was
just strong enough to just dealwith it and fight it.
But I know that one of myprayers that I started praying
when I got on the job was thehorrors of what you see isn't
necessarily the pain, but it'sseeing the family's reaction,

(31:51):
seeing the loss that thefamilies go through, and I pray,
I was like I never.
I was like I don't want to seethat, I don't want that to be me
.
And it quickly became us, youknow, and in no way the same as
some families losing a childthat they've known for years.
You know what I in no way thesame as some families losing a
child that they've known foryears.

(32:12):
You know what I mean.
That's also just different, butstill, it was a pain for us and
I.
You know one of the calls thatgoes right in there with it that
I think about and it goes handin hand.
I think it's one of the reasonswhy I've never really been able
to forget that call and I never.
I never had nightmares aboutthe job, you know, and I if

(32:33):
there's first responderslistening you know what I mean.
I know I I'm talking more thanmost first responders do, but I
want to try and help somebody ifI can.
I never had nightmares aboutthe job or saw the calls in my
mind until I quit.
When I quit, that's when I sawthem and, um, one of the ones
that stick with me.
The worst and really was in mymind about that one was we went

(32:56):
to a call for an overdose andyou know, you go in, I'm walking
behind the medics, I'm carryingeverything and the guy, the
friend who had come to, I guess,check on the lady, see the lady
, whatever had found her.
And so he's leading us backinto the back room and as we
pass I see this 10-year-old girlin her pajamas and on her iPad.

(33:21):
All kids are on iPads now, notour kids, but anyway she's on
her iPad.
And so we walk past and we getto the back room and that's
where we find the younger motherI want to say mid-20s a lot of
life left to live had decided, Iguess, when she went to bed, to
take some fentanyl.
And we all know how fentanyl isaffecting the country, we all

(33:44):
know the outcome of that.
And so she obviously overdosed.
And if that's not sad enough, um, it's, and it's amazing.
The details your mind won't letyou forget.
Uh, meanwhile, you'll forgetsome of the sweetest things.
Um, she, when she overdosed,was holding her one two month

(34:07):
old two-month-old.
You know, one two-month-oldscan't do much, right, kids are
limp, kids are there, kids arethere.
They do whatever you have themdo.
They're along for the ride.
But this little onetwo-month-old had enough fight
in it to where this kid's gotjust a handful of the mom's hair

(34:28):
and just ripped out fightingfor his life.
But unfortunately she smotheredit and so you sheet both of
them.
You're already scarred, youknow what I mean.
You're like, oh gosh, this isterrible.
And, um, you're walking out and, uh, I'm just lucky enough, as
we're walking out and walking upbehind the medics, carrying

(34:49):
everything you're always tryingto avoid, you know, especially a
call where family's nearby,like you know, I'm just, I'm
gonna walk, I'm gonna letsomebody else tell them,
whatever the outcome is.
and um, the 10 year old girllooks up at me and the people
I'm with.
She said, uh, uh, is my mom upyet with baby sis to take me to

(35:12):
school?
What do you say to that?
You know, you just walked out.
So it's tough.
So, yeah, so you know, seeingthat kind of loss, especially so
young, and then having that, Ithink our miscarriage happened
and then that call happened.

Speaker 5 (35:32):
You know, seeing that kind of loss, especially so
young, and having that it was oh, I think they were.
I think her miscarriagehappened and then that call
happened.
Then you came I I remember,because I remember being angry
about that all over again likethat woman I don't know her
story, but she was able to carrya baby fully and healthy to the
end of her pregnancy and killit and then the baby just died.

(35:52):
You know, and I'm like I lovedmy baby.
I didn't even get to meet himyet and then you got to meet
your baby, you know.
And it passed away.
Yeah, that's hard.

Speaker 4 (36:02):
So I started developing a hardness in my
heart for the Lord.
You know, I basically told himI was like what love is there?
You know what I mean.
Basically told him I was likewhat love is there?
You know what I mean.
Like I, I know that, um, I knowthat pain and suffering doesn't
come from you, but I mean, whatgood is it to bring a child
into the world or allow someoneto get pregnant you know all

(36:23):
these different things for justto end like that, you know, um,
cause you know everything, whywould you do that?
And so my heart started toreally harden very quickly, um,
and I started to really distancemyself, uh, from the Lord and
uh, I just wanted to run and, um, I didn't want anything to do.
I stopped praying and, um, Iwas like you know what I'm, just

(36:47):
I need a break.
You know it was like I don't,like I don't see, I don't see
your love, I don't see the hope.
You know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (36:55):
And um, there, there was a, there was another call
and I would imagine any firstresponder would agree that, um,
and as a, as a pastor, it'scrazy, it's.
It's clearly different, it's acompletely different experience.
But on those worst days thatpeople have, we always will also

(37:21):
get called, and I've done morethan my share of funerals for
babies, children.
You know horrible circumstanceswhere you're, as y'all do, do
the physical triage or you'redealing with the physical loss,

(37:42):
and then we come in and we'redealing with spiritual loss, and
it's always so much harder whenit's a kid and so you, you're
the question that you're talkingabout, taylor.
That is the question.
Why is?
I don't know how it is in thestate of Florida, but in the
state of North Carolina thereare far more children in need of
foster care than there arefoster families.

(38:04):
And then the foster familiesthat there are, there's so few
that are gospel-driven.
There are a lot ofChristiansians, obviously, in
foster care, that the gospelmotivates us to that, but there
are a lot that aren't.
Probably the majority are, butbut why don't more christians?

(38:25):
So where my, where my mind goesin these situations is as
believers, how are we supposedto respond?
Well, you can't respond to alady dies and smothers her kid
right when you know, it's kindof like well, if a kid gets
taken from their mom, where'sthe church?
Christians need to step up.

(38:45):
Let's do orphan care, let's dofoster care, let's do widow care
.
But what makes thesecircumstances so difficult is
there is no follow-up.
There's nothing you can do.
Show up baby's dead just likeclosure.
There's no closure.
And when?
When did there's a story thatyou told me that y'all shared

(39:06):
the other night with multiplekids involved?
What and was that later then?

Speaker 4 (39:11):
it was, it was.
Are you comfortable?

Speaker 3 (39:14):
sharing that because to me that's a monumental part
of y'all's story yeah, and itwas um.

Speaker 4 (39:20):
It was a little later actually no, the um, the
multiple kids, I think that hadcome first.
That was in, uh, october.
Uh, we had our miscarriageriagein January and then it was the
baby and you know, and seeing alot of stuff all in between, you
know, just like every firstmonitor has.
Like I said, every day youdon't know what's coming down,

(39:42):
you don't know what the tonesare dropping, you don't know
what's going to be on the otherend.
But yeah, that that call thatreally got started getting me in
a dark place was, you know, asa first responder, that's your
job.
Go and save somebody, right,that's what you want to do.
I want to save the hard partthat we have to accept as

(40:06):
firefighters law enforcement.
You're called after.
You respond.
You can't prevent.
And so we got a call onemorning.
It was 8.30 in the morning.
That typically doesn't happen.
It's weird to get a call to astretch fire.
That's one in the daytime,especially in the morning.

(40:27):
It just kind of caught us offguard.
I don't know, that's kind ofstrange.
Maybe it's a false alarm, butit wasn't One of the worst calls
that our department had seenfor a long time.
Our department served in a verybig area with very little
manpower and so, luckily, we hada rescue and a brush truck out

(40:50):
near that call.
You're talking to three people,three bodies, two were firemen,
one was just a medic and theyget there within, I want to say,
five to seven minutes of thecall.
Now, granted, everybody else inthe world is coming, but it
takes everybody else in theworld, including me, 18 minutes
to get here.
That's a lifetime, especiallybecause you've got to think no

(41:11):
matter the world, including me,18 minutes to get here, that's a
lifetime, especially becauseyou've got to think, um, no
matter the calls, it had tohappen first for someone to call
, so there's already time that'selapsed before this.
Um, so they get there.
Um, I do believe it was theparents who and this is from
their account had stumbled intothe yard from the house and the
house is fully involved and theparents are in rough shape.

(41:34):
The parents had suffered burnsexternally, internally, and all
they were able to manage to saywas we have kids in the house.
So you hear that Especially.
I mean it is funny.
People think every time they seean engine going down the road

(41:55):
with its lights on, that it'ssuper serious, and sometimes
it's not.
Sometimes they're singing toTaylor Swift or something like
that.
They're going down the roadbecause it's a way of coping,
it's an everyday thing.
That's, you know, not crazy atthe moment but other times,
especially when you hearstructure, fire, right.

(42:15):
You hear MVA, you hear, youknow the big calls, you're
focused, you're right back intoschool, you're right back into
your training, you're right backinto how they taught you.
You're thinking about apartmentprotocols and procedures.
What do we do?
What are our stages?
And it only gets cranked upwhenever you hear there's

(42:39):
children inside, anybody inside,right To experience, and
firefighters listen, tell you,you know you put on that gear,
right.
I told you the other nightespecially, there's a hard part
of starting to identify as afirefighter because you put on
the bunker gear.
You feel invincible.
I can take on the world, I amSuperman, right, you take this

(42:59):
on, you're important and you cando things.
But that gear saves you from alot.
But it's still hot and you knowwhat it feels like in that gear
.
And I told you when I went intothis house I thought I was so
upset with myself.
I thought that I forgot my hood.
It was burning my ears up, butI had it on.
I found out after I had it on,it was just that hot.

(43:23):
And so you're sitting herethinking there's people inside
every second matters and it'sonly getting hotter.
And so everybody's gettingthere, everybody, and it's only
getting hotter.
And so everybody's gettingthere, everybody's doing their
job.
Everybody's doing a fantasticjob.
They're doing everythingthey're supposed to be doing.
Sheriff's office is helping,everybody's doing their part to
help as fast as possible, asfast as people are getting
brought out.
The medics are treating them.
I know by the time I havearrived with our tanker and the

(43:54):
chief has pulled me off and hesends me inside.
He hands me our third-worldimaging camera and the only
thing the chief says is go findthem.
And so I would love to sit hereand say that every time we go
on a call, we're able to followprotocol.
Nfpa states like you have twofirefighters in, you need to
have two firefighters out readyto go in.
You can't do that all the time.
Sometimes you are by yourselfand the law would would see her

(44:14):
look at you like no, you broke arule, like I don't care in this
moment.
You know what I mean.
Every, every law enforcementofficer or firefighter, right?
Um, they're doing the job tohelp people and so fine, take
away my certification.
But I'm not going to looksomebody in the eye and say I've
got to wait for somebody.
No, they're, they're not.
They didn't call you to hearI've got to wait.

(44:35):
So I go inside.
Um, I help our Lieutenant carryout an adult too.
I don't think we were expecting.
He was a friend living there.
I helped grab his legs and he'sburned pretty good but not too
bad.
We get him outside.
Uh, he didn't make it.
And uh, I go back in and, like Isaid, you don't, you don't look
outside, you do a size up.

(44:57):
When you get there, the initialuh officer, the initial
firefighter, will give a scenesize up and look at everything.
But other than that they'vealready done that.
You get there, you go to work.
So, um, I go in.
We don't realize how bad thehouse is.
I know one of the guys thatsaid that they already searched
this room.
So I started into a differentroom and it's just chaos inside

(45:20):
this place.
And little did I know the roomthat I had started in was the
most compromised room of thehouse.
Had to be where it started.
I go through the floor and I'mby myself.
Number one rule that we don'tgo by ourselves, and so I go
through the floor and um youfought.

Speaker 3 (45:42):
The floor collapses or it caves.
You fall through it.

Speaker 4 (45:45):
I did yeah so and I and I don't remember a loss of
consciousness.
I can't tell you how much timeit elapsed, I really don't think
it was long.
But I go to the floor and I hitmy helmet I mean, you're
talking, you know like.
I weigh 234.
Our gear is good 50 to 75pounds on top of that and I go

(46:08):
down and I hit my head on theframe slash cross beam that's
underneath trailers.
And all I remember is hearing aguy who came in behind me
calling for me, and so I pickedmyself up out of the floor.
I was hanging halfway throughUm and uh.
I go to him and he's like where, you know, where did you leave
off from?
And I was like this room is notsurvivable.
I was like I can't even go inhere, it's just a danger.

(46:30):
This room is not survivable.
A psychic can't even go in here.
It's just a danger.
And as much as that hurts tosay, you know they train you.
You have to look out foryourself and the other
responders on scene, because ifyou go down, who do we call?
If you go down, you can't helpanybody.
So I remember just us sayingyou know this room's gone.

(46:51):
You had other teams searchingother parts of the house, and so
we're focused on this area andI go into a bedroom and I look
everywhere as best I can Allaround the bed, top of the bed,
under the bed, everywhere I findwhat I think is a child.

(47:15):
And in the heat of it, you know, you start dragging what you
believe is me, a victim, out.
I get almost all the way outand it's the dog.
The dog's already dead, and soyou know children over dogs any
day.
So you drop the dog dog and yougo back and I get back in the

(47:36):
room, I pick up where I'm at andI don't find anything.
And at this point we're all intwo or three bottles, and what I
mean by that is our bottles.
They're 45-minute bottles now,but whenever you're huffing and
puffing and especially you'reout of shape, that bottle's
doing 15 to 30 minutes.
And we're all two, threebottles deep.

(47:58):
A lot of bigger departments.
They're in, they're out.
One bottle, but we wouldn'tstop.
And so I come out and I look atthe chief.
I'm like we had to have foundthem all right.
He said no, there's still one.
And I remember thinking I waslike there's.
You know, wherever they're at,other teams will find them.
You know what I mean.
There's there's no way thatI've missed anybody.

(48:25):
And um, little did I know.
After I had already sat down,some people had noticed that I
had been acting a little strangeand they, you know later on so
you know, signs of a concussion,whatever.
They had me sit down in therehab area.
Um, the two guys who got thereinitially had went back in and
they went through the backwindow.

(48:45):
I think a grandparent maybe, orsomebody had arrived and told
him like this, where the kidsmainly are.
I, I think a grandparent maybeor somebody had arrived and told
them this is where the kidsmainly are.
I can't remember, but they goback in and they find a baby and
for some reason this baby waskept in a bassinet in the closet
and I didn't see a closet.

(49:09):
At least I didn't see anythingin that closet.
You're sweeping your handaround trying to find everything
.
A partner had taken the camera.
You're sweeping, I didn't seeit.
You can say all day long, itdoesn't matter.
That kid was most likely alreadygone because none of the kids
made it.
We got everybody out, but toolate and I was so responsible.

(49:38):
So you deal with that and yousee this, this is your Monday,
this is your whatever.
And then you're supposed to gohome and be super dad, yeah,
super dad.
So, um, just a lot.
So, anyway, um, it just allstarted stacking up and

(49:59):
eventually, like you know, afterall this happened, I said I've
had enough.
I don't see, I don't see thehope anymore, I don't see the
good.
I was like god, where the?
You know you are, it's not here.
So I turned my back on him andthe second I did that.

(50:20):
I mean I found the lowest pointthat I'd ever seen.
I grew up, you know, good godlyChristian parents, good godly
Christian home.
I mean I did exactly what myparents wanted me to.
Never, you know, nothing a goodspanking couldn't fix.
It was never anything bad and uh, we call them whoopings in the
mountains oh, yeah, yeah Iimagine eric give a whooping

(50:41):
spanking was from mom, whoopingwas from dad.
Um, but uh, other than that,I'd never experienced a time
that I had really pushed awaythe Lord and experienced what my
life would be like without himand it just started getting
darker and darker and eventuallyI just got miserable.

(51:03):
There's no joy left.
Because little did I know untilI really found out for myself
later that the Lord is our joy.
Our joy is found in the Lord.
That is it.
That's why the world looks atus and says what is different
about them.
It's because they have joy.
Why are they so happy?
Why do they have hope?
Right now, I do not.

(51:26):
When I turned away from it, Ilost that joy.
Like I said, you take inbrothers, you take in advice.
I'm like, oh, I love my job.
I love my job.
It's the best job in the world.
It really is a great job beingable to help people.
It's a manly job Heavy tools,busting stuff up Through advice

(51:48):
from others and my own mind.
I was like I must be unhappy athome, and it took a lot.
But I came to Taylor.
I was like, hey, you know,listen, I'm unhappy this or that
, whatever.
And all of a sudden I go towork the next day.
It just gets worse.
I come home, I go back, I comehome and eventually I told her I

(52:09):
was like hey, listen, I want adivorce, which is insane,
because I got in such a darkplace and I mean this is my one
and only you know I saw her, youknow ninth grade I was like
this is the woman I'm going tomarry.
And to go from just every stepin life that we have wanting to

(52:34):
do it together to be like, yeah,no, I need to start something
new without you is mind-blowing,and the shame and guilt it's
unbearable.
And so once I had started thatprocess and I had hurt her and
here I here I am, running fromthe Lord I was like I can't stop
now, I can't let him catch me,I can't turn and face what I've

(52:57):
done.
I just got to keep going.
And God bless Callahan For thepastors who are listening your
job is never done.
Job is never done.
The connections you build, theylast forever.
We talk all the time about howyou can have the most fun at a

(53:17):
game, you can have the coolestfood, you can have the coolest
looking youth building, butconnections and relationships
are what make people stay.

Speaker 5 (53:25):
Not stay at the church but stay in the walk.

Speaker 4 (53:28):
Stay in the faith, Stay in their walk.
And so Taylor's going toCallahan, going to Delany.
Our best friends.

Speaker 2 (53:35):
She's telling them all this.
I don't know what else to?

Speaker 4 (53:36):
do.
Yeah, no, and I had isolatedmyself.
I was like no, I don't want togo see Callahan, no, I don't
want to go see Delany, becauseI'm running and I know for a.
And so Callahan calls me onenight.

(53:57):
He's like what are you doing?
And we're talking about lovinggentle Callahan.
And Callahan gives me thisconversation and he's rough and
he's in my face over the phoneand he's just like I mean he
called me out on everything andhe's like what are you doing?
And he helped me realize we hada conversation.
He's like what are you doing?
He helped me realize we had aconversation.
He was like Blake, are yousaved or not?
I was like I am, I know I am, Igot saved at your house.
He's like okay.

(54:19):
He said well, you're eithergoing to continue running from
the Lord to the point whereyou're not going to, like you're
basically saying I don't wantto be used by you, he said and
Christians who aren't useful forthe kingdom, christians who
refuse to do their job, theirtask, what has been placed
before them?
He said you're basically lookingat sin unto death, the Lord

(54:42):
just says all right, I'm justgoing to bring you home because
I might as well.
And he said but then also, youneed to consider you know you're
saved People who are saved.
You know we are heldaccountable for the sins we have
here on earth.
We stand before God with Christin front of us, right, and he
looks at Christ and he says okay, you know, well done, good job,

(55:04):
he said.
But what you will be heldaccountable for, he said, are
the blessings andresponsibilities that the Lord
has blessed you with and whatyou've done with that.
He said you have been blessedas a father, you've been blessed
as a husband, and what are youdoing with it?
And I, immediately on the phone, callahan didn't even believe

(55:25):
me.
He didn't believe me on thephone.
I was like you're right.
He's like, don't tell me what Iwant to hear.
I was like you're right, he'slike, don't tell me what I want
to hear.
I was like no, no, no, Um, just, I had ran and I knew that if I
just let a little bit of lightlike God back in my life, just a
little bit that, um, all thatdarkness I was trying to hide up
, it would just fall apart.
And so I had to.

(55:46):
I realized these terriblechoices I was making were all
because I finally got to see, ina life of, like I said, growing
up not doing really anythingbad, but a life you know his
presence, to see how he can, uhwhat, see what he made me to be.

(56:13):
Um, I, I did not know how muchI needed him until this moment
and, um, I wish it didn't takethis moment for me to figure
that out.
But it was life changing.
I came to Taylor after thatphone call.
I got home.
I was out.
I got home, I woke her up and Iwas like I'm wrong, I'm so

(56:39):
wrong.
And Taylor's like what do youmean?
I was like everything,everything is so wrong.
I said I need forgiveness and Iunderstand if you can give it
to me now.
I said but I want everythingback and I never want to go back
to where I am right now.
I said and I vow to you as ourchildren's father, as your

(57:00):
husband.
I said we will never, never getto this point again.
And you know we had.
We had come to terms.
I was like the job is job andyou know we had we had come to
terms.
I was like the job is job.
It's a good job.
I still love that job.
I said, but I, for our family,I got, I got a setback from this

(57:22):
job immediately and it waswhich you know side note, don't
think that I just completely youknow, uh left with with no
backup plan.
But uh, even if I didn't have abackup plan, uh, I knew what
needed to happen for my family.
We were, we were done uh fornow and, um, it was something
that needed to happendrastically.

(57:44):
I I'll let you just speak toyou know that moment and what's
happened after, cause I can sithere and say all day long oh no,
I've you know I've changed, oryou know I'm doing better.
I'll, but you, you know you'realways honest.

Speaker 3 (58:05):
That.
That moment when he came to youand said when Blake came to you
and said I won't.
That moment when he came to youand said when Blake came to you
and said basically I want adivorce, I don't want to be in
this marriage anymore, can youtalk a little bit about?
Was that a complete blindside?

Speaker 5 (58:21):
I mean it was.

Speaker 3 (58:23):
Or had you felt like okay, something, we're growing
apart or he's becoming distant.

Speaker 5 (58:28):
I knew something was wrong with him.
Something was up.
He wasn't himself, for it wasquick.
It was like oh, he's his normal, like chipper, happy-go-lucky,
you know what I mean?
Like, of course, we would liketalk about stuff from the job
and I would like talk to himabout it as much as he
definitely didn't want me tobear like any of his like
burdens from work, and so hewould be like I, you don't need

(58:48):
to know about that.
I'm like, well, somebody needsto know about it, like you're
gonna have to share about it.
But so he went from like hisnormal self to like something's
off with blake, I don't reallyknow what's going on.
And he'd come home from work.
I'm like, hey, are you doingokay?
He's like, yeah, I'm good.
Why I'm like you just don'tseem yourself.
You would be moreshort-tempered or frustrated or
really would.
Our daughter would do somethingthat was like her normal

(59:08):
behavior and he would just getextra angry and I was like why
she's?
She's one or two, she waslittle.
I'm like she's 18 months old,like she's gonna be an 18 month
old, um.
But and then it went from thatto like um, I don't know
something's going on, likeyou're doing these things that
are making me unhappy.
I'm like none of these thingsare fresh, like we've been
together for nine years.

(59:30):
There are things that we'vedone the whole time we've been
together.

Speaker 4 (59:32):
I turned every little thing into something yeah.

Speaker 5 (59:34):
He was trying to find a like, a reason to run away.
It felt like, and I was like Idon't know what's going on.
And then it was like I want toget a divorce.
And I was like, um, I was likebecause of these like little
things that you think like nowthat they matter I don't even
remember what the things were,cause they were so insignificant
I was like nothing, likethere's nothing wrong.

(59:55):
And he was like, um, I've beenthinking about it and like I
think you need to make a planfor you or whatever.
I'm definitely going to beinvolved in the girl's life.
Like I'm not going to be a dad.
I was like, excuse me, and I wasjust like I was taken aback and
I was like my like all of thestuff that had been going on up

(01:00:17):
into this point, the Lord's likeyou need to love your husband.
You have to love your husband.
Well, I'm like, after like he'sdoing all these horrible things
, like he is not acting like myhusband that I love.
Why do you want me to love him?
Well, if at all, like I want tobe mean to him and spiteful,
and and he just like keptweighing on my heart.
Like you need to love, justpray over him, love your husband

(01:00:37):
, love your husband.
And I was like I don't like him.
I don't like him right now, Idon't want to love him right now
.
And he came to me.
He was like I want to get adivorce.
I told him no and he was likehe was like you're not allowed
to say no.
And I was like I am saying nobecause I I said yes and I said
yes to from now to death andwe're alive and I'm saying no.

(01:00:59):
And it was a few times that youlike came back and you were
like Taylor, I want to get adivorce, I don't think we need
to be married anymore, like thisisn't good for us, like we're
going in opposite directions.
So these things are what hebrought up, whatever reasons
they were, and I looked him inthe eyes and said I'm not
getting a divorce.
It's like I'm getting someoneto draw up papers.
I was like you can drop all thepapers that you want to.

Speaker 4 (01:01:21):
I'm not saying that we had, we had backed I mean,
like I said, I was running sohard we had backed out of church
.
We were no longer um serving,um in any capacity, because we
weren't I wasn't fit to, weweren't fit to well, it was like
right after our miscarriage.

Speaker 5 (01:01:36):
So I was already like very emotional and like the
lord brought me back from that.
It was, I don't know, like Istill struggle, but like the
lord, I came back to good gracesbefore this started, which was
a blessing because I didn't knowthat, like I needed to, I

(01:01:57):
needed to find like the love atthe first.
You know what I mean.
I needed to re fall in lovewith the lord and um into a
relationship with him and to bestronger than I was before to be
able to handle what was comingnext.

Speaker 3 (01:02:12):
You know so from that moment to when he came and said
I was wrong, I'm sorry, forgiveme.
Did that catch you?
Like?
Were you like?
What like were you in?
You're in a spot where how arewe going to get through this?
How, how do I keep thismarriage together?
And then he just shows up oneday and says that or was it like

(01:02:34):
you started to see him softenand come around?
What was that like?

Speaker 5 (01:02:37):
oh no, it was like abrupt like abrupt, like you
turned from something to fleethe other way, like it was
literally one night we had like?

Speaker 3 (01:02:50):
Did you feel like the weight of the world just went,
or were you more like?
I don't trust this.

Speaker 5 (01:02:57):
I trusted it.
Okay, I love him more than.

Speaker 3 (01:03:04):
More than he's worth having you love him.
So much better the beauty ofmarriage, gospel-centered
marriage.

Speaker 5 (01:03:14):
And I trusted it whenever he said it.
But I told, like I told him Ilove you and I'm going to
forgive you, but it's it hurts.
It hurts really, really bad,because you're, if it's a
gospel-centered marriage, likewe got married for you to love
me, like jesus loves me.
You know, and you messed up,you messed up bad and jesus

(01:03:34):
never did that.
He didn't make me feel like Iwas less than or unlovable, you
know it was the hardest, darkestpart and, um, that's why I was
so.

Speaker 4 (01:03:54):
It weighed on me heavy whenever you would ask and
I honestly I think when youinitially asked you thought it'd
be more, uh, fun departmentstuff a little bit more, more
fun it was.

Speaker 3 (01:04:03):
You had mentioned that house fire with those kids
dying, and but in my mind Ididn't know all this.
So I was like, oh, like solidman, his faith drives him.
Let's tell this story and be anencouragement of how god will
carry you through this kind ofsituation, which is completely
not what was going on.
So I was way wrong.

Speaker 4 (01:04:23):
But it turned into this is turned into much more of
a gospel story that it's linedup perfectly honestly with this,
this camp um, with what you'redoing this summer I running what
I did you know it like has tosee that horrible, horrible

(01:04:45):
black hole in that part of ourlives.
Whenever you asked about this,I was like I told Taylor, I said
this is the chance to have Godtake this and make this
beautiful right and to show hisglory, right For him to use it
for good, to help someone else.
And if I say no, then I'vecompletely wasted that horrible

(01:05:10):
opportunity and I'm denying theLord a chance Right.
And so I would definitely tellpeople, especially other first
responders don't let youridentity become the job, don't
let it become the uniform, don'tlet it dictate your character,

(01:05:30):
because, first and foremost, youare a child of God and he has a
path for you.
And if you are doing like I wasdoing and you're just running,
you're not wanting to face adecision you made, whether it's
something that's alreadyhappened in the past or
something that you're wanting todo.
You've got to stop, you've gotto turn around, you've got to
face it.
Because the other thing that Iwas thinking about and not

(01:05:51):
wanting to stop running wasbecause I had truly, at this
point, felt that I'm beyondredemption.
I am so far down this rabbithole.
How could god love me?
I've turned from him and I havenow hurt the blessings that he
has given me.
Yeah, how could he take me back?

(01:06:11):
And I tell you, I was actuallylistening to a swole podcast
when I broke down in my truckafter this, after I had said I'm
wrong and I'm just strugglingwith this whole like how can I
even be loved by him again?
You know, um, I'm expecting,I'm honestly, I'm expecting to
to die any day because, like,how am I worth having here
anymore?
And in your podcast you weretalking, you're like nobody can

(01:06:35):
outrun the grace.
There's no sin in your lifethat is bigger than his love.
And there was another pastor whoI told you about in a video
that Richard showed.
It was just the congregation,but it was exactly what I needed

(01:07:00):
to hear.
And the pastor basically hadsaid God has a plan for you and
you have a path in this life.
God's plan basically windsaround all of the ups and downs,
all of the mountains andvalleys.
It goes around your mistakes,it goes around your wins, right,
he's not caught off guard.
And so if you weren't worth histime or his love couldn't, you
know, extend to that, then hewouldn't have reached out in the
first place.
And he said there's nothing,nothing in this life that he

(01:07:25):
will not just accept and washaway.
You know we talked about.
We talked about Matthew ask andyou shall receive.
Seek and you will find, anddocumentary refers to you.
Seek God and you ask him forforgiveness.
You ask him to come into yourlife and change it.
Ask him for redemption.
It's a yes, it's never a no.

(01:07:49):
There's nothing you can do.
It's always a no.
There's nothing you can do.
It's always a yes.
And it's exactly what I neededto hear.
And so, when we had rejoined ingetting involved in ministry
and rebuilding everythingparenting, rebuilding marriage

(01:08:09):
all I want to do is to helppeople avoid situations where
they feel like I'm beyondredemption and just showing them
say, no, you're not.
Because there are people likeme who have been in the deepest
valleys and God has picked themup and said I still love you, no
matter where you go.
We sing a song this week I leftyou and I got lost.

(01:08:34):
I lost where I was, but youknow exactly where I left you.
You know exactly.
And you picked me right back upand you brought me right back,
and so it's beautiful.

Speaker 3 (01:08:47):
Thank y'all.
It was a big ask for me to asky'all to sit down and do this.
You know you're asking peopleto go to the darkest, hardest
moments of their life and to doit in front of cameras and on
microphones and say publicly asa whole yeah, Other thing but
that's you know.
We have a story and it needs tobe told, and every, every

(01:09:08):
believer has a story that needsto be told.
And one of the things I loveabout NSR is I'm not interested
in having celebrities on here.
I'm not interested in findingall the seal team six guys that
are now YouTube influencers andinterview.
You're like, I don't listen toand watch a lot of stuff, but it

(01:09:29):
seems like there's this wholeworld of podcasting and video
and but it's the same hundredpeople interviewing each other
about these big movie worthystories.
I'm like man.
Our tagline is stories fromaround the globe and it's gospel
stories of just people beingfaithful, people going through
mess.

(01:09:50):
What resonates with people thatlisten to NSR is a story like
y'all's, because there's peoplelistening to this that either
have a similar story or are inthe middle of it, or it's going
to serve as something to guardagainst, and I'm just grateful
y'all.
Let the Lord use it.
What are y'all doing thisafternoon?
Chilling?

Speaker 4 (01:10:08):
We're going to go have fun with our kids.
Good you, what are y'all doingthis?

Speaker 3 (01:10:09):
afternoon Chilling.
We're going to go have fun withour kids.
Good, you deserve it, enjoy.

Speaker 4 (01:10:12):
Thank y'all.

Speaker 3 (01:10:12):
Thank y'all so much.

Speaker 2 (01:10:13):
Yeah, thanks for listening to no Sanity Required.
Please take a moment tosubscribe and leave a rating.
It really helps.
Visit us at SWOutfitterscom tosee all of our programming and
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