June 12, 2025 • 52 mins
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Have you ever ignored that nagging feeling in your gut, only to regret it later? That's exactly where our conversation with Teresa Rosario Hernandez begins, as she shares how learning to trust her intuition transformed her approach to relationships and self-acceptance.
Teresa brings her vibrant Nuyorican perspective to this candid discussion about taking up space unapologetically. As the host of the Prosecco Queen podcast and a proud single mom, she's weathered relationship storms and emerged with wisdom that feels like sitting down for coffee with your most honest friend. "Our bodies will tell us everything we need to know before our minds even get there," she reveals, explaining how she's learned to distinguish between excitement and warning signals when dating.
The conversation takes delightful turns through the realities of dating in your forties ("a little bit smaller and a little bit weirder" dating pool), maintaining boundaries as a single parent, and the freedom that comes with age. Teresa's refreshing take on body image—"This is what goddesses looked like"—offers a powerful counterpoint to societal expectations, especially as women navigate changes through childbirth and menopause.
What makes this episode particularly valuable is Teresa's willingness to share her missteps along with her victories. From ignoring red flags to reclaiming her sense of self after difficult relationships, her journey illustrates how women can break free from limiting narratives. Both Teresa and Mary celebrate the power of women supporting rather than competing with each other—creating spaces where authentic connection thrives.
Whether you're navigating relationships, questioning societal expectations, or simply seeking to live more authentically, this conversation offers practical wisdom wrapped in genuine warmth. Listen now to discover how trusting your nature can help you flourish on your own terms.
You can find Teresa's podcast HERE.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mary (00:05):
Welcome to No Shrinking Violets.
I'm your host, Mary Rothwell,licensed therapist and certified
integrative mental healthpractitioner.
I've created a space where wecelebrate the intuition and
power of women who want to breakfree from limiting narratives.
We'll explore all realms ofwellness, what it means to take
up space unapologetically, andhow your essential nature is key
(00:28):
to living life on your terms.
It's time to own your space,trust your nature and flourish.
Let's dive in.
Hey, violets, welcome to theshow.
As y'all know, take up yourspace is one of my podcast
themes and my guest today seemsto embody that mantra.
(00:49):
She brings a diversity ofexperience to the table and, as
an original Nuyo rican, she hadto help me learn how to say that
, and we're going to tell youmore about what that means.
I'm going to guess that she hashad way more colorful and
varied experiences growing upthan I did in my sleepy little
town in Pennsylvania.
Teresa Rosario Hernandez is aproud single mom of two fabulous
(01:12):
kids and host of the ProseccoQueen podcast, where she shares
stories and wisdom fromnavigating her wild, wonderful
life.
She's a juggling pro, balancingmultiple jobs while raising her
mini-me's and holding on to hersanity, as she says most days.
Welcome to no Shrinking Violets.
Teresa, I've listened to someof your podcast episodes and I
(01:33):
can't wait to talk with youabout life, dating and all the
things.
Teresa (01:37):
Thank you so much for having me.
I am thrilled and privileged tobe on today thrilled and
privileged to be on today.
Mary (01:48):
So you are the host, as I said, of the Prosecco Queen
podcast.
So what does this title mean toyou and how does it reflect
your approach to like embracinglife?
Teresa (01:57):
Well, it started out realistically.
The name of the podcastoriginally started as Ride or
Die from Teens to ProseccoQueens.
I started it with a childhoodfriend of mine and after a
couple episodes it got more thatit was more of a handful, so I
took it on by myself and aboutlast year I realized it became
more of like a ladies lunchingtype situation where I was able
(02:21):
to have conversation with ladiesand gentlemen, of course, about
just the everyday life, thingsyou would talk to your friends
about, things you would havesomeone you would have brunch
with, drinking a mimosa or abellini or a cup of coffee right
, I'm good with a cup of coffeeand tea, but just being able to
share the stories and theexperiences that one people
(02:44):
sometimes take for granted Two,stories that other people are
going through as well but aren'tso much talked about because
they may seem taboo or unknownor scary.
And three, telling my storybecause, one, it's cathartic for
me.
But also two because I'verealized that I'm not alone in
(03:05):
so many of the struggles andbeing able to have other people
be able to relate to some of thestruggles and say, wow, I
didn't realize that somebodyelse was going through this as
well, and that I'm not alone.
That's kind of where thatProsecco Queens came from.
So instead of just like lattegirls or something, let's make
(03:26):
it a little fancy, have a littleglass of bubbly and have fun
with friends.
Mary (03:32):
Yeah, that sounds great and I know.
When I read a little bit aboutyou, I felt like so many of the
things that you talk aboutreally resonate with my
listeners and this idea oftaking up your space and also
really as women, supporting eachother.
You know, I think we're oftenset up to be competitors or you
(03:55):
know, it's that raised eyebrow,like what's she up to, and I
think if we can come from aplace of sort of alignment and
understanding that we all have alot of things in common, that
to me is really a great strength.
Teresa (04:09):
Agreed.
We have more things in commonthan we do as adversaries, but
culturally and the way thatwe've all been taught and raised
, sometimes it seems theopposite.
Mary (04:20):
Yeah, for sure, okay.
So I want to get to this ideaof Nuyorican because I had never
heard of this, so can you tellme more?
What does that mean and how doyou think that influenced your
life?
Teresa (04:34):
Well, specifically me, I me myself, my family,
generations of my family wereNew Yorkers.
I've been in Jersey for a verylong time now, but I was born
and raised in New York City,raised in the Bronx since I was
about 15, and moved to NewJersey, and so I have family
everywhere else.
And I'm a Puerto Rican womanand, you know, realistically,
(04:57):
I'm a third generation PuertoRican woman.
So I was born here, not on theisland, raised here, and
generations of my family as well.
And what that means when we sayNuyorican is literally that our
grounding is based in aparticular culture, in the New
York Puerto Rican culture.
(05:17):
Right, there are Puerto Ricans,millions of us, all over the
country, right, and we aretaking up the appropriate space
that we need to.
You know, we are Americans andI think that's really a really
important distinction, and aNuyorican we'd like to say we're
a special kind.
We are loud, we're boisterous,we're loving, we're strong,
(05:39):
we're tough, you know, and we'refamily oriented, and not all of
us speak Spanish fluently, youknow, but we are ingrained in
our culture and that's reallywhat that means.
Mary (05:51):
Well, and from the little bit of research I did, is it
true that it started out kind ofas a derogatory term and then
it's sort of been embraced.
Does that sound accurate?
Teresa (06:01):
Possibly there's a lot of terms that are considered
derogatory.
I think, um, and I I don't knownecessarily the history
specifically, that deep downinto to that particular term.
What I can tell you is weembrace it in the sense of pride
.
Right, we see it as um, like Isaid, I've been in jersey, but
(06:21):
you can be from pennsylvaniaRicans in Pennsylvania and up in
the tri-state area in Floridaand Chicago and all over the
country of course, and I think,specifically when it comes to
saying someone is a Nuyorican,again it's just a sense of pride
, it's saying I come from quoteunquote the streets.
I have evolved, my family isevolved and no matter what's
(06:46):
thrown at us, we are able tothrive, and that's really how we
have taken the pride of thatand turned it into New York
again.
Mary (06:56):
Yeah, I love that.
So let's make a little.
We'll start to take our offramp into talking a little bit
about relationships and I knowin the information that I know
about you, you talk aboutovercoming.
You call them relationshiproller coasters.
So were there like pivotalmoments or lessons that you
(07:17):
learned from experiences thatyou tend to want to share or you
think might resonate with thewomen that listen to want to?
Teresa (07:24):
share or you think might resonate with the women that
listen.
One thing that I've been reallytapping into as I get older
it's something I was againraised with.
When, again, we talk about theNew Yorican culture for us, we
talk about the strong women inour culture and what they taught
us over the generations, andthat's, for me, the biggest gift
I can give any woman is to havethem learn what their intuition
(07:48):
is.
Listen to your intuition.
As I got older, I started totap in more to myself, into my
belly, into my mind, into thegrounding that we all need to
get back to, whether that'sspirituality, whether that's
going out in nature, whetherit's seeing the world for what
it is.
Whatever keeps you grounded inyour own self, into your
(08:09):
intuition, so you can listen toyourself, because our bodies
will tell us everything we needto know before our minds even
get there.
And for me, there was a lot oftimes where I just went off of
my feeling, lot of times where Ijust went off of my feeling, my
heart feelings versus my bodyfeelings, and what that means is
(08:34):
I went just solely off of whatI felt, just emotionally
emotionally as opposed to mybody telling me something was
wrong for the longest time.
Once I started to listen to thecues my body gave me you know
what they say.
It's your gut feeling.
Intuition is literally your gutfeeling.
Once I started to tap into thatmore, I was able to see things
and see people for who they areand for what they were and for
(08:56):
what they wanted and used me for.
Once you get into that and youtap into your dreams, you tap
into your soul, you tap intowhat you like to you know
yourself, you tap into yourintuition, you will be surprised
at how much you are able to seethings for who they see people
for who they are and see thingsfor what they are.
Mary (09:18):
Yeah, and I love that idea of intuition.
So you bring up emotion and youbring up this, this body
feeling, and I think sometimeswhere women get tripped up is
fear comes in.
So is that sort of so trying totease this apart a little bit
that I think we, you're right,we all have this gut feeling,
this intuition, but then somekind of emotion comes up and it
(09:42):
diverts us.
It's like, well, this feelsscary, so it must be wrong.
Teresa (09:47):
Yep, yep, I think that's exactly what it is.
It's so funny.
I just today was having thisconversation with a friend of
mine and he was like, oh mygoodness, I get butterflies and
I'm like I used to love gettingbutterflies, I used to
absolutely love it.
It was, you know, it was likelike my, my body's way of
telling me, oh, I'm so excited.
But one thing I've learned andI've had this conversation with
(10:09):
other people as well isbutterflies aren't always a good
sign.
Our bodies don't know thedifference between excitement
and nervousness or fear.
So sometimes we get thesebutterflies and we're thinking,
ooh, this feels great, but itcould be our body telling us be
careful and we have to learn howto navigate and listen to the
(10:32):
listen to those physicalsymptoms.
Because women, we work, most ofus work off of emotion.
Right, it could be in dating,it could be your jobs, it could
be literally your children,anything that we're dealing with
on a daily basis, and we tapinto our emotions and we go.
Well, you know what I feel likeI'm doing the right thing, my
(10:53):
heart is in it, you know, and wekind of go off of that.
But sometimes we forget there'sanother piece of that, a
logical piece of that.
We're always fighting brainversus heart.
We have to be able to listen toboth of them in order to make
the right decisions, but I willalways stick by.
Listening to your gut is numberone in anything that we do.
(11:17):
We really have to.
Mary (11:19):
Yeah, and I think part of socialization, when we're
starting a new relationship, wedo get that excitement.
It's exciting to startsomething new, get to know
someone new, and I thinksometimes we lose ourselves.
We want so much to be the onethat makes it work out that, and
especially, I think, when we'reyounger, because you and I
(11:39):
aren't younger anymore, so Ithink we've learned some lessons
.
But I think that's wheresometimes women can get tripped
up because that socialization.
We are the connector, we're thetend and befriend.
So we meet someone and it'slike oh, this is so exciting.
And if there's something that'sa little off, like, oh well, I
(12:00):
don't understand why he doesn'treturn my texts.
He always seems to have a goodreason, but it doesn't feel
right.
It's like trust that, becausethat behavior is basically he's
showing you who he is.
Teresa (12:14):
That's right.
You couldn't I mean, I couldn'thave said it better myself.
The reality is, when you'redoing anything, I say there's
two things, and for me it'sinteresting because I've been
learning really, especially whatI've been through and on my
podcast journey is reallylearning how to navigate this
exact situation you're speakingof, because, as women and I'll
(12:36):
say, as men as well when we'reout there in the world or out
there dating again, anythingthat we're doing we always for
the most part, most of us wantto give people the benefit of
the doubt, right?
We always say, well, I feltsomething, I thought they felt
something, or you know, sothey're not getting back to me.
We also internalize it it mustbe me.
So let me obsess about it, asopposed to saying you know what,
(12:59):
let them do what they're goingto do.
Right, let me not sweat itbecause, realistically, not
everybody's meant for everybodyelse, not just a relationship in
your life, right, anyrelationship or friendship.
You have a job, certain things.
If it's not for you, you willknow it's not for you.
However, we internalize so muchand we say, well, it has to be
(13:22):
something with me.
So I need to know why are theynot calling me back.
Why are they not consistent, asopposed to saying you know what
, maybe that's just the personthey are, maybe they're not
interested, maybe something cameup and living our own lives.
And I think that we all suffer,especially now, because we all
want instant gratification whenat the time, back in the day,
(13:44):
there was really no such thing.
Right Like you sometimes didn'ttalk to your boyfriend or your
friend for a couple of daysbecause nobody had cell phones,
but you weren't thinking, youweren't all like oh, they
haven't called my house 17 timesa day or texting me back in two
hours.
So I think we have to redefinehonesty and consistency.
(14:06):
That's what builds trust in anyrelationship and that's
actually what's lacking now.
That's a lot of what's lackingnow, and the other side of that,
which I had mentioned earlierwith those two sides, is that
you also have.
What I dealt with is and I'llsay men only, because that's
where the that's where I'mcoming from Right Right because
(14:28):
that's where the that's whereI'm coming from, right, right,
you'll have, you know, the menwho don't just want something
genuine, they want, they haveulterior motives and they'll put
in some kind of work and so for, whether it's you or you and
seven other people, to getwhatever goal right then and
there they have in mind.
So they'll say what you want tohear, but that's why you have
to go by your gut feelings,because you can hear something
(14:51):
somebody's saying and you canalso hear the undertones.
But you got to be there tolisten.
You got to really keep youreyes and ears open.
People want to be trusted andpeople want honesty.
That's really all that it takesin this world if people
actually want to do it.
Mary (15:06):
Yeah, and I think we make the assumption that other people
are going to show up like weare showing up.
If we're authentic and honest,certainly the other person must
be and kind of what you said,like we're going to look at
what's wrong with me If someonedoesn't respond to us or decides
that we're not for them.
We don't do that with otherthings.
(15:28):
So I talk about nature a lotand so we don't fault certain
plants.
If I don't love roses, there'snothing wrong with the rose,
it's just not for me.
Or food we don't all love thesame food.
There's nothing wrong with thatfood.
Everyone has something thatthey want and if they don't
choose you has something thatthey want, and if they don't
(15:50):
choose you, that doesn't meanthere's something wrong with you
.
So I think it's that's reallythat, that mindset.
And again, yes, listen, ifsomething feels, if you feel bad
, if a relationship makes youfeel bad, you have to be willing
to walk away from it?
Teresa (16:04):
Yeah, for sure, and I love what you said about about
the flowers.
Not everyone or everything isfor everybody, and you're right
and it is so.
You know, with our kids, youhave your.
You know people.
If you have your children.
Like you, you may not always bea fan of your own children,
right but that's because you'rebringing them up to be people.
(16:24):
You're going to love yourchildren, you're going to
nurture your children, but asthey get older, you're helping
them grow into a person thatthey're going to be naturally
right in the world.
So all you can do is your best.
You can do your best in anysituation, in any relationship,
and take what you learn.
(16:44):
Because, to be very honest withyou, I still struggle every day
after the dissolution of mysecond marriage, which I talk
about in the podcast, because ofnarcissistic tendencies and
personality disorder of my ex.
I spent years wondering what Idid wrong and how I didn't allow
or how I allowed things to goon, because I didn't listen to
(17:07):
my intuition, because I allowedred flags, because I made all
the excuses you mentioned.
You know things are going tochange and it'll stop after we
get married and I know that heloves me.
We have this family together.
We don't listen enough and wedon't.
And then I spent years feelinglike it was my fault.
Well, what was it that I did?
What can I?
I have done different.
The reality is there'sliterally nothing you can do
(17:30):
different if somebody is intenton doing what they want to do
and acting the way they want toact.
It's as simple as that.
Mary (17:37):
Yeah, and I think we also believe that if you love
somebody, it's going to work.
And you know, I worked withcollege students for a long time
and I would say, just becauseyou love somebody doesn't mean
you're supposed to be with them.
Oh yes, and I think too it'ssometimes, especially when we're
young, when we go into a datingsituation, it's unlike anything
(18:01):
else.
So, for instance, you have acertain style of clothing you
like to wear.
So I don't hear women say, well, I'm gonna wear this, even
though I hate it, because I justthink I should.
Or I'm gonna eat this food thatI can't stand because I think I
should.
But we bend ourselves intopretzels to fit into the shape
(18:23):
that just happens to be there inthe relationship.
It's not us shaped, it's shapedlike something else, but we do
everything we can to fit intothat space.
Teresa (18:33):
You are great with the metaphors, I have to tell you,
because I love it.
You are so correct.
You know we and again, I thinkthis comes with experience,
right, I think as you get older,you try to want people say I'm
an older woman, I don't careanymore.
I'm sure that's a part of it.
But I think as you get older,you try to when people say I'm
an older woman, I don't careanymore.
I'm sure that's a part of it.
But I think the part of sayingyou don't care anymore is that
you are not going to fit a moldanymore that somebody else is
(18:57):
going to like you.
Now it's kind of like this iswho I am, I'm working on myself,
I'm happy with my life, whethersomeone is with me or not with
me, and now your job, if you'regoing to be in my life, is to
add to that.
Right, I'm not going to changemyself or adjust, you know, to
working together.
Of course, changing who I amfundamentally just to fit your
(19:19):
narrative is not going to workanymore.
And that comes with experienceand it comes with confidence.
And when you're younger andwe're so told that we have to
have relationships and hitcertain milestones, we do that,
we adapt to other people and weeasily lose ourselves.
Mary (19:35):
For sure, for sure.
And I'm on my second marriage.
I've only been married a coupletwo and a half, about two and a
half years and go dating againafter my first marriage.
It is totally different, youknow, because it's first of all.
I spent a lot of time livingalone, so I loved that and I'm
(19:56):
not going to give up certainthings that I would have maybe
when I was 20.
And so it's easier, I think, asyou get older, to stand in that
space and own that space.
So there are unique challenges,but there are also joys of
dating in your 40s, right?
So how do you compare that to?
What are the joys that you'refinding now compared to when you
(20:17):
were younger?
Teresa (20:19):
I love the fact that I can make my own decisions.
I love you know, the reality is, as you get older, the dating
pool gets a little bit smallerand a little bit weirder.
I am not going to lie.
It is weird out there, um,female and male.
It is weird out there, um,because it's like the rest of us
(20:40):
, a bunch of divorcees out there, a bunch of kids.
You got some with young kids,you got some with grown kids,
you got some with grandkids.
It's like you start there.
You sit there and say, okay,what's the age range that I'm
looking for With the dating apps?
You know you'll have people onthe dating app say I'm looking
for this long term, lifelongthing and you're going okay,
that's nice.
(21:01):
Some people out there saying, oh, I want to just hook up.
Others are saying I want alifelong thing, and then you
talk to them for five minutesand you can tell they only want
to hook up and I'm like well,just say that.
Because guess what, as a womanin my forties, I also have a
little less inhibitions, right,I know my body, I know what I
like, what I don't like, whatI'll settle for, and I may
decide to have a little fun withyou, right, but be honest about
(21:23):
it.
Stop putting on fronts Like atsome point when you're in your
forties and fifties, it's likeenough with the games.
Say what you want and you willfind somebody that is looking
for the whatever.
It is the same thing and that'swhat's weird about it Trying to
navigate who was blowing smokeup your backside versus you know
, versus somebody that's genuine, and it kind of be hard to do.
(21:46):
The other part that I find hardwhich is funny because I'm
still fairly new to being outthere, realistically, I have
gone in and out and I'm justsometimes it's overwhelming is I
have trouble and I talked to mytherapist about this.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I dothink therapy is a wonderful
idea and it helps to haveanother ear sometimes that's
(22:07):
that's non-biased, right, um,but I digress, um, I find out
sometimes it's hard in thattalking stage for me when I say
that in the beginning you knowwhen you're talking to a bunch
of different people you might begoing on dates.
For me it's hard to know if Ishould be telling, if I should
(22:28):
assume other people know thatI'm out there dating If this
other person is doing the samething.
You know what are the rules.
Is it wrong of me?
Am I considered quote unquotecheating on somebody?
You know what I'm saying?
Like there's so much tonavigate in this world and
there's so many options thrownat you.
It's really thrown at you, it's.
It's really overwhelming attimes.
(22:49):
But this time I'm doing it alittle differently.
I'm calling the shots.
This time, good for you.
I'm saying, you know, and Ithink that's how we all have to
put it out there I'm notsettling.
I don't know that I'm lookingnecessarily for a relationship,
but if something grows into it,fantastic.
But I think this time I'm alsokeeping my eyes and my ears wide
(23:11):
open.
I'm not settling for pure redflags and I'm speaking my mind
and I realized if you can'thandle me speaking my mind, then
you are not to be in my life.
Simple as that.
Mary (23:21):
Well, I think that's another thing that we worry
about.
Are we too much for somebody?
And I've got you know?
I'm to the point now where ifI'm too much for you, then I'm
not for you.
Yes, you know, that's kind ofhow it is and I would think for
you.
So you have children and I do.
Does that also change how younavigate dating?
Teresa (23:43):
Oh, my goodness, yes, one.
No, you know, my kids knowmommy might have a friend here
and there.
And again, I, you know, likeI'm not even a big dater, quote
unquote like you know, I'm justnot.
I actually have a date tomorrownight, which is funny, but it's
so rare.
It's so rare I don't even tellmy kids.
I'm not.
My daughter's gonna be 19.
So I'll be like oh, mommy has adate tomorrow, like if I tell
(24:04):
her where I'm going and with who, I give her all the details,
that way, if something happens,you know exactly what, what's
going on.
My son is eight, he's only goingto be nine.
So I don't, I don't give himthat information.
Oh, mommy's going out with afriend, or I'm going out to have
fun, whatever.
Um, because as women, asmothers, as single mothers, is
whatever we are, we tend to feellike we are not allowed to do
(24:29):
those things right.
We feel like we are not allowedto find that time for ourselves
to be spoiled, to be taken out,and I think that's really
important to understand that youcan't live your best life for
your kids unless you are takingcare of yourself, and that means
, every once in a while, goingout.
And even if you have a crappytime, which does happen, and
(24:52):
then you can say, okay, well, Igot a meal out of it or whatever
the case may be.
Yeah, I got to dress.
I got to dress up and makemyself look pretty and instead
of the sweats I wear every day,whatever the case may be, one
thing I do for myself and I'veevolved a little with this I was
very weary about dating menwith kids.
I know it sounds weird, since Ihave kids.
(25:14):
Right, it makes sense to me,though I get it does it for me.
It's because it tells me one oftwo things.
One if you're trying to spendall your time with me, then I
wonder why you're not spendingtime with your kids.
Mary (25:29):
Right.
Teresa (25:30):
Two is I don't necessarily want the drama that
could come with the mother ofanother child.
Yeah, I know for me, ifsomebody comes around and dates
my ex-husband and they're goingto be around my kid, I could be
a lunatic.
I understand that.
I'm aware of that, right as Iwell should be, and so I don't
(25:56):
know that I want that either.
So it's really a weirdsituation and nobody will meet
my son.
Till I know I'm in anestablished relationship.
There is nobody coming aroundmy house, my kids at all.
Mary (26:05):
Yeah, yeah, and I think it makes sense to be wary of
children in your potentialpartner, because anything that
happens from that point impactsyour own kids and it's not easy,
even if the mom isn't in thepicture anymore, like if there
was.
You know, if it was not adivorce but maybe it was a widow
(26:26):
situation, but it doesn'tmatter, because it's there's a
relationship is hard enough.
And then you need to nowaccommodate these other lives
and, yeah, I think it's a lot tothink about.
So I think having that thatsense of sort of being wary
about it or not sure, I thinkthat's pretty healthy.
Teresa (26:46):
Well, I'm glad to hear that, Cause I I you know,
depending upon too I've evolveda little bit at certain points.
Right, If they have grown kidslike I have grown kids I'm like,
okay, that's not so bad.
Right, They've raised theirkids, that's great.
There's like little little bit,that little bits of um, that's
not going to have drama there,Right.
But you're right about even likethe widow, for example,
situation, the one, the otherpart of it that I have grown a
(27:07):
little bit on is I have, like ayoung son.
I had always hoped after my sonI might have another one, and
it didn't work out that way,because my daughter and my son
are 10 years apart.
So once she's out living herlife, my son's going to be by
himself and I had always wantedhim to have a sibling that was
around his age.
So I also think too, sometimesyou know, if you open your heart
(27:30):
, you open your mind a littlebit, you might end up that it
might also be beneficial for thekids as well.
As you know, instead ofnegative as well, there's so
many ways they can that thesesituations can evolve and you
just really got to hope for thebest they really do.
Mary (27:48):
Yeah, situations can evolve and you just really got
to hope for the best they reallydo.
Yeah, well, and I think it goesback to what we started with
that, if you have a sense thatthis isn't going to be a good
blended family, I think you needto pay attention to that, um,
because, yeah, it can bring alot of richness.
I mean, I have, my husband hastwo sons they're not my sons,
but they're I think of them asmy sons now and that brings a
lot of richness to your life.
(28:09):
But there's still certainly anadjustment, and I think there
have been situations where I hadfriends that dated someone with
children and I would hear whatthey would say and I would be
like, do you really want toembark on this?
Well, I really love him.
I'm like, yeah, but it's apackage deal.
So so, yeah, I think, seeingboth sides of it, that it can
(28:31):
really enrich your life and thelives of your children, but it
does have to be a situationthat's healthy.
Teresa (28:39):
Agreed Completely.
Mary (28:40):
Yeah, completely.
Teresa (28:41):
Yes.
Mary (28:42):
Yeah, and I think too sometimes that being able to
keep your individuality whenyou're part of a couple, I think
that's hard.
Even now, I think as we'retalking, you know we're older,
we're more sure about this iswho I am, this is what I want,
but I think once you get intothat relationship you can feel
like you're pulled off center alittle bit.
(29:03):
Does that?
Has that ever happened?
Have you experienced?
Teresa (29:05):
that, not recently, I haven't, you know but because I
haven't been in a relationshipin a few years.
I was in a situation for alittle, for about a year and a
half after I had months, after Ihad split with my ex-husband,
and that one definitely threw meoff kilter.
I know that with my ex, myex-husband.
(29:28):
It did because, like I said,this is the unfortunately the
second time I was married.
I was married in my twentiesand then in my thirties.
Because you can't control otherpeople and their actions and
you know people put their bestfoot forward in the beginning.
Usually that's what happens andthey can only put up a facade
for so long.
And I think that part of meevolving is learning that I have
(29:54):
to allow myself the grace andthe time not to fall head over
heels so quickly.
When we're younger, we thinkevery feeling that we have is a
sign from God.
God is, you know, and I listen.
I am spiritual beyond anything.
I believe in signs in every, inevery way.
(30:15):
But I'm more practical now tothe point that I'm like okay,
look at all of the picture, lookat the whole picture.
Look at what you have learnedin your experience.
There's no reason to jump thegun.
There's no reason to loseyourself anymore.
After the separation from my exand I fell into the situation
(30:38):
ship.
There was such an electric like, such a magnetic thing between
me and him that it knocked meoff my feet.
I didn't even feel that with myex and it turned me because I
still was so vulnerable and soraw from everything that
happened and I was still healing.
I'm still on my healing journey.
I remember completely losingmyself again quickly, and it
(31:02):
took me about another year to gowhoa, you're not looking for
this either.
Me about another year to gowhoa, you're not looking for
this either.
Take a step back.
We learn, hopefully, from everyexperience and you're able to
take a little bit of what youlearned from the last one and
move it to the next, andhopefully it doesn't take you 19
tries to get it right.
Mary (31:23):
Well, for sure I can relate to what you're saying,
because it wasn't that long ago.
I was in a relationship and itstarted fast and there were
things along the way that I waslike I'm not sure about this,
but I pushed through it and Igot myself a little too involved
and when it finally ended I waslike why did I?
And then I saw a meme not longafter the relationship ended and
(31:46):
it said I did see the red flags.
I just thought it was acarnival and I'm like, oh my God
, does that not sum it up?
Because it's so fun and you'rejust sort of living, really
sometimes in the beginning of arelationship, a life that isn't
like real life.
It's fun and it stays, and thenthat it's.
We have to remember, even evenas older women, that that's not
(32:08):
really how it's going to be.
Teresa (32:10):
Yes, it is.
Life is going to life, right.
What's you know, in thebeginning you're dating.
It's sexy.
If you're attracted to theperson, it's okay I mean wrong.
It doesn't happen all the time.
But if you are, it's sexy, it'sexciting, it's fun, it's
conversations all the time.
See, it's exciting, it's fun,it's conversations all the time.
(32:31):
It's it's going out to funexperiences together and taking
all the cutesy pictures together.
And then you start to get into arelationship and real life
starts to hit.
If you decide to live together,if you have kids, whatever the
case ages, whatever it may be.
And then all of a sudden yourealize this person spends a lot
of time in the bathroom, youknow, pick up his socks or clean
the dishes, or, oh, you know, Ithought that was cute back in
(32:51):
the day, but it's not anymore,because we also excuse away red
flags and we say, no, it's notso bad.
Or look at his situation.
Now, of course he's acting likethat.
Look at the situation.
We're not together full time,he's mad.
You know all of these things,he or she again, I just speak
from the female perspective.
Of course you know we do that,we all do that.
(33:20):
We excuse it away and that'swhy I say that listening to
yourself is better.
Now that doesn't mean if you seered flags, you dump them right
away and you're like, oh,absolutely not.
No, see, if they're open to aconversation about it.
You know, decide what youconsider livable versus not
livable.
There's also things called youknow, beige flags.
Where it's right on the cusp ofred flag or green flag, it's
livable.
You know, and have thatconversation and see where their
(33:43):
head is at, because,realistically, we also tend to
project sometimes and they couldbe like, well, you know, okay,
we want to have thisconversation, let's talk about
what your red flags might be.
Right, we sometimes we'relooking out but we're not
looking in.
So that's really important aswell.
Look inside and when you havethat communication, the biggest
(34:04):
green flag at this point thatI've learned to look for is the
willingness to have thatcommunication.
The biggest green flag at thispoint that I've learned to look
for is the willingness to havethat communication.
If, instantly, you see a redflag and you want to have a talk
about it and they refuse to orthey excuse it away, there's the
biggest teller that you need inany relationship 100%.
Mary (34:23):
And I think, too, when you see something, talk about it
Because I think we back awayfrom it because it's like, well,
maybe it's not that bad ormaybe it'll change, and then it
gets harder and harder to getthose words to come out.
And you know, it's that, theirrational beliefs that some of
us carry around, like I don'twant to sound crazy, I don't
(34:44):
want to sound high maintenanceand all of that crap that we've
been fed.
To communicate and to have yourown values and standards is not
high maintenance, it's healthy.
Teresa (34:55):
So that whole feeling of I don't want to nag him or push
him away, or I want to remainfun and the way he always saw me
and it's like, okay, but is heputting in that same effort?
Yeah, right, because when theycome in they get very
comfortable very quick.
And as women, we are taught asmore independent generations, um
(35:16):
, we're taught listen, your jobis not to please, is not to
please a man.
You know, you need to beyourself and if they can't
accept you, then that's that.
And I, as much as I agree to bemen, and I let me elaborate
(35:36):
with that.
What I mean by that is men are,um, chasers, right, they, they,
they like the chase, right,they like to be able to do
things, but so many times wehave the tendency to take it
away from them.
I am the first person to do it,you know.
I don't think the last time Ihad a man plan anything, a date
(35:57):
or whatever it is has been overa decade.
It was always me.
Yeah, there was never any gustoto say let me plan a night for
us or an event or something.
It was always me doing it and Iwould have loved for someone to
you know, for him to say youknow what?
Let me plan this weekend for us.
We're going to have a greattime, and you just show up and
(36:22):
I'm going to tell you what towear, what to do and I think
most men like that and beingable to do that.
And I think a lot of times us,being the women that we are, we
want to live the life we want tolive and we're going to find a
way to do it, you know.
And then what happens?
They get comfortable and it'slike, okay, well, she's going to
do it anyway, so there's nopoint Right?
So you know, I am one of themost independent people you will
find, but I've also learnedthat I have to be softer, and
(36:45):
that takes a lot of work as well.
Mary (36:52):
Yeah, well, yeah, that's the, the strong it's, it's that
strong woman thing.
But what, what, what else youknow to to figure out who are we
really?
And it's okay to be all thethings, and all the things at
different times are all thethings at once?
So, yes, of course.
So you alluded to not alwaysneeding to be in a relationship
and you used recently the wordsexy, so let's take that little
(37:13):
off ramp.
So how have your views onsexuality involved evolved now
that you have gone through like,different life stages, and how
do you approach a discussionabout that?
Teresa (37:26):
Weirdly enough, I am actually very open about who I
am.
I don't want to say what Iexpect.
That sounds, that sounds.
That's not.
That's not correct.
But really I know myself now.
(37:47):
It took me a lot of years rightTo find out what I like, what
I'm willing to do, with whom I'mwilling to do that, to do it,
willing to do with whom I'mwilling to do that, to do it and
not to feel ashamed about it.
See, that's the other thingwe're taught to feel shame.
(38:07):
Men are not most.
We are taught to feel shame.
But one thing I've learned overthe years is you know what I
have?
My body's not perfect.
I've had two kids.
I've had depression.
I like to eat whatever it maybe, um, but I need to do what I
need to do to feel sexy formyself in my own skin.
I don't need that outsidevalidation.
(38:27):
As a matter of fact, sometimes,if people even give me a
compliment or a man, I feel souncomfortable because I'm like
oh, I'm like, I'm just not Okay,thank you, cause I still don't
even know how to take it.
We don't allow ourselves totake compliments, to do the
things that make us feel goodand sexy and and and open about
(38:49):
certain things.
Um, I now at my age, havelearned there are some
sacrifices I will make and someI will not.
I speak on it and I say listen,if you're expecting X, y and Z,
I'm not down for X, y and Z.
So you're looking to the wrongperson, right?
So that's kind of how you haveto take it these days is, as you
(39:14):
get older, understand who youare as a woman, what you like as
a woman and what you're willingto accept and not accept,
because if the person you arewith, female or male, doesn't
respect that, then you need togo your opposite way.
That is what I've learned Beyour authentic self,
(39:34):
respectfully speak your mind andhave your boundaries.
Be your authentic self,respectfully speak your mind and
have your boundaries.
Mary (39:40):
Boundaries are so important, yeah, and whatever
those boundaries are is okay.
So I've talked before about mywork with college students and
college females and I can't tellyou how often I would hear them
when they talk about sexualinteractions.
They would say, well, I didn'treally want to, but I just went
(40:00):
along with it so he wouldn'tthink I was uptight and I was
like you know what it's yourbody?
So again, those messages we getthat we're supposed to be a
certain kind of way.
And here's we go back to thebody feeling.
If every part of your beingwants to resist this, you can
resist it.
You can say like I'm not, thisis not really what I want to do
(40:22):
right now, and if he has athought about that that's
negative.
Right there you're finding outhe's not for you.
So, yeah, I think, just reallyallowing and especially young
girls to be empowered to say Idon't want to do this, and they
still have a really hard timewith that and it always sort of
(40:44):
breaks my heart.
Teresa (40:45):
I agree.
You know my daughter, like Isaid, she's going to be 19.
And she has spent most of herchildhood very school-focused,
very education focused, and nowshe's kind of out there in the
little, the little teen datingworld.
It scares the crap out of me.
I'm not going to lie because Iknow what her future can hold.
(41:06):
You know she's with college andeverything else and I'm
constantly that kind of mombecause I was exactly like those
girls you're talking about,where you know I was just kind
of like well, I guess I just didit because I thought I had to.
I spent a lot of my 20s and 30seven like that because I
thought I had to.
And I try to impart on mydaughter.
(41:27):
There is nothing you have to do.
If you feel you have to doanything to keep somebody, they
are not the right person for you.
Respect comes in many forms andI have heard her and I'm so
proud of her at times say nopeand voice it.
I'm not ready for that,whatever it is.
(41:47):
I've heard her say it whetherit's over the phone, whether
it's in person, and I'm like,wow, I like that Because
sometimes young women and womenwe don't say that enough to men
and they.
So when they hear it, they'relike, oh, she doesn't mean that.
No, you know, let me try harder.
Absolutely not If she.
(42:08):
If a woman, a female, a younggirl, a woman, a grown woman,
whatever is saying that, ifthey're actually saying it out
loud, they need to listen to it.
Whatever is saying that, ifthey're actually saying it out
loud, they need to listen to it,like, realistically.
And we need to learn tounderstand that, no matter how
generational curses come through, generational traumas, what we
were raised with, you areallowed to listen to your body,
(42:29):
your mind, your heart, yourspirit.
Say no, and whoever you're withneeds to respect that.
It's as simple as that.
Mary (42:37):
And it doesn't mean you're not sexy or cool or whatever if
you don't want to have sex.
I think that's Of course, let'sthink about the movie scenes
that we remember where they'retearing each other's clothes off
and they just met.
And that's not how a woman'sbody works.
And I think, again, youngpeople don't know that as you
get older you start to recognizethat that or things change, so
(43:02):
it doesn't feel as good at times.
But I think that's another line.
We're fed that if you are acool, sexy girl, you're always
down for it.
Teresa (43:13):
And that's just not true , it is not true at all.
And listen, I am not against ifyou have that kind of chemistry
with somebody and that's whatyou want to do in that moment.
Listen, if you're twoconsenting adults, do what you
want to do, right.
However, but if you are feelingthat way and you're still not
(43:40):
ready, that's fine too.
A lot of times, we go aroundthese people that make us
physically feel like we want todo something and you could be in
the process of it and go oh, no, you know what?
No, no, no, mentally I'm notready, emotionally I'm not ready
, I don't want to do this rightnow.
Then that's fine too.
I think people believe, and alot of times, no, mentally I'm
not ready, emotionally I'm notready, I don't want to do this
right now.
Then that's fine too.
I think people believe, and alot of times again, like you're
saying with movies and all kindsof stuff that we are not
(44:02):
allowed to stop and in any, inany part of the process.
And that is absolutely not true.
Right, you know, and you areallowed.
You know you'll have them say,oh well, yes, because, oh, now
you're being approved.
No, that's not the case, butI'm glad that's where your head
is at right.
The case is, I believe that weshouldn't always have to express
(44:26):
myself in one night, and if, bythe way, you like me enough,
then I should be worth it untilI'm ready, right?
That's another way you weed outwho's good for you and who's
not, who is willing to respectyour boundaries and say you know
what I got you?
Boo, we're good, we're good,let's go have fun.
Let's put our clothes back onand go have a drink right, or
(44:53):
we'll talk tomorrow and then seeif you guys talk the next day
right?
Mary (44:55):
That's how you learn about people completely, yeah, yeah,
well, and you mentioned bodyimage, or how your body changes,
and I work a lot with women inmenopause and even for me, I
just talked to a guest recentlyand we gain an average of 15
pounds when we go throughmenopause.
So, but but our bodies changeafter children, after menopause.
So what advice would you givefrom what you've learned, to
(45:18):
other women who struggle withbody image issues?
Teresa (45:22):
It's interesting that you bring that up.
I was on a podcast a couple ofmonths ago where I had
specifically said for me this isfor me because of everything I
went through in the past coupleof years and during COVID I
gained 30 pounds of likedepression weight and I am still
fighting that 30 pounds off.
And now I'm 42 and I'm startingperimenopause, so imagine and I
(45:45):
have a thyroid issue, so I amscrewed way to the wind trying
to lose that weight, you know,and I've had two babies in 20
years and God bless the womenthat can bounce right back after
baby.
I'm telling you I wish that mybody and my genetics work that
way.
It does not.
I have to work out very, veryhard and be extremely strict to
(46:07):
to get to where I want to be,and that does get so much harder
as you get older and sometimesI want to have something sweet.
I'm not going to pretend that'snot the case.
Mary (46:15):
You know definitely want to have something sweet.
Teresa (46:16):
I'm not going to pretend that's not the case.
Yeah for sure, you know,definitely want to have
something sweet or have a bigmeal and it might be a thousand
calories.
Okay, I'll walk a little morethe next day.
But I think, looking, we lookat ourselves, and I am the
biggest culprit of this and Ihave trouble sometimes
recognizing myself.
I think that's the biggestindicator that you may want to
(46:38):
make some sort of change in yourlife.
You can be comfortable in yourskin at literally any size, any
shape.
We all have stretch marks,scars.
I have stretch marks and then Ihad my appendix out a year ago
and now I have surgery scars ontop of that.
Some of us nursed our kids, sowe're not all looking perky like
we used to and all the thingsthat we tell ourselves.
(47:00):
But this is natural.
This is what women are supposedto look like.
The Venus de Milo, like one ofthe first female sculptures.
She was stunning and she wasround and busty.
Yes, you know, and that's whatgoddesses looked like.
That's that's what we'resupposed to look like.
(47:21):
I always say be healthy,exercise, be happy.
You know, for me, am I theweight that I am, that I want to
be?
Absolutely not, Because this isnot weight I put on because I
was happy.
It wasn't happy weight.
This is weight because it wasweight that I just couldn't
control.
Am I struggling to get it off?
Of course, and I want to feelcomfortable in my own skin.
(47:42):
In the meantime, I'm going torock the skin that I'm in.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Mary (47:48):
Yeah, that's great.
Teresa (47:50):
I'm going to get a t-shirt that says that, actually
, but it'll be bigger than Iwant, but that's what happens,
right?
So, realistically, that's mybiggest takeaway is if you want
to be healthier, you should behealthier.
If you are comfortable atwhatever size you're at, amen to
you.
And if there are things youwant to change, do that as well.
(48:11):
I am not against plasticsurgery.
I am not against whatever it is.
You want to do, ozempicwhatever.
If you want to go through theside effects, amen to you.
Fantastic, you do whatevermakes you feel like you and
don't let society tell you whatyou should look like.
That's the biggest goal.
Mary (48:28):
Yeah, and what I find is men aren't as picky as we think
they are Some of them areExactly correct, but many of
them are not.
They understand that there is afemale form that is not what
we're seeing in magazines.
So you know some of that.
I think we also fool ourselves.
(48:49):
We think, oh, I'm notattractive to anyone.
So yeah, I think that idea ofrock the skin you're in, because
don't waste even a day wishingwork towards something,
certainly, but live today andjust make the best best, make
the best choices you can, and Ithink that's that's the way to
go about it.
Teresa (49:10):
I've seen so many TikToks lately of grown men
saying mom, belly, mom, bodies,beautiful women, that like
that's what we, that's what wewant to see.
You know, like we know you have, show us those stretch marks
and and the scars, and that he'slike we're just going to kiss
it and keep going.
I'm like, okay, you know.
(49:30):
Even better, you know, and westill have the tendency to to be
self-conscious.
Of course, Um, am definitelyself-conscious again, because
you know, for me it's not mynormal look.
But I think if you're able to dowhat makes you happy and you're
in, like you said, a healthysituation where you are not
(49:54):
feeling bad and someone's notmaking you feel bad, then you
are doing really, really wellbecause you're right.
Most men, especially older menin our generations, if they
really believe that a womandoesn't have regardless of
whether you had kids or not, bythe way, let's just, let's just
preface that Not everybody's hadkids, you don't have to have
(50:15):
kids, our bodies changeregardless over the years If
they believe that there's womenout there that all look like
J-Lo, then you're really livingin a bubble and you need to
leave your computer screen everyonce in a while.
Mary (50:29):
Yeah, yeah, and a lot of women that we see as celebrities
have a team.
They have a chef, they have ateam, you know, they have a chef
, they have a trainer.
So there's, and they also haveairbrushing for most of their
their pictures so yeah, so Ithink that would be a whole
other conversation.
But, teresa, I have lovedtalking to you today.
(50:49):
This has been so fun.
I loved our conversation.
Teresa (50:52):
Me too.
Thank you so much.
I being able to speak on notjust women's issues but issues
in general, because as a societywe have to do better, we have
to respect better, and women areevolving and I think that men
need to kind of catch up and dothat too.
Mary (51:12):
Well, and I think, empowered women, empower women.
So I really love it yeah.
Yeah, so I want to thank you allfor listening.
If you have comments on today'sshow, use the link in the show
notes to text me and if you lovelistening, consider leaving a
review a powerful way to helpothers find me and hear all my
amazing guests, like my guesttoday.
My guest today.
(51:38):
And finally, if you'd like tojoin my email community, get my
weekly musings on how nature andmy garden give me lessons about
life.
Click the link in the shownotes to sign up.
I'm also going to put a link toTeresa's podcast in my show
notes.
And, teresa, before we end, isthere anything else that you
want me, that you want to letpeople know?
You offer, or should I sendthem to your podcast?
Teresa (51:56):
Yes, please send us my podcast for psycho Queens
podcast.
I am actually, um, working aswe speak on my website, so I'm
going to have a blog coming soonas well.
Um, I will have some newepisodes in the next couple of
weeks to months.
I'm taking a little bit of ahiatus, giving everybody time to
catch up if they, if they mustdo so, and, um, just to get to
(52:16):
know me a little bit more andthe journey, the journeys that
we're all on together, Perfect.
Mary (52:23):
So look into the show notes for Teresa's information
and, until next time, go outinto the world and be the
amazing, resilient, vibrantviolet that you are.
Thank you.
Welcome to No Shrinking Violets.
I'm your host, Mary Rothwell,licensed therapist and certified
integrative mental healthpractitioner.
I've created a space where wecelebrate the intuition and
power of women who want to breakfree from limiting narratives.
We'll explore all realms ofwellness, what it means to take
up space unapologetically, andhow your essential nature is key
(00:28):
to living life on your terms.
It's time to own your space,trust your nature and flourish.
Let's dive in.
Hey, violets, welcome to theshow.
As y'all know, take up yourspace is one of my podcast
themes and my guest today seemsto embody that mantra.
(00:49):
She brings a diversity ofexperience to the table and, as
an original Nuyo rican, she hadto help me learn how to say that
, and we're going to tell youmore about what that means.
I'm going to guess that she hashad way more colorful and
varied experiences growing upthan I did in my sleepy little
town in Pennsylvania.
Teresa Rosario Hernandez is aproud single mom of two fabulous
(01:12):
kids and host of the ProseccoQueen podcast, where she shares
stories and wisdom fromnavigating her wild, wonderful
life.
She's a juggling pro, balancingmultiple jobs while raising her
mini-me's and holding on to hersanity, as she says most days.
Welcome to no Shrinking Violets.
Teresa, I've listened to someof your podcast episodes and I
(01:33):
can't wait to talk with youabout life, dating and all the
things.
Teresa (01:37):
Thank you so much for having me.
I am thrilled and privileged tobe on today thrilled and
privileged to be on today.
Mary (01:48):
So you are the host, as I said, of the Prosecco Queen
podcast.
So what does this title mean toyou and how does it reflect
your approach to like embracinglife?
Teresa (01:57):
Well, it started out realistically.
The name of the podcastoriginally started as Ride or
Die from Teens to ProseccoQueens.
I started it with a childhoodfriend of mine and after a
couple episodes it got more thatit was more of a handful, so I
took it on by myself and aboutlast year I realized it became
more of like a ladies lunchingtype situation where I was able
(02:21):
to have conversation with ladiesand gentlemen, of course, about
just the everyday life, thingsyou would talk to your friends
about, things you would havesomeone you would have brunch
with, drinking a mimosa or abellini or a cup of coffee right
, I'm good with a cup of coffeeand tea, but just being able to
share the stories and theexperiences that one people
(02:44):
sometimes take for granted Two,stories that other people are
going through as well but aren'tso much talked about because
they may seem taboo or unknownor scary.
And three, telling my storybecause, one, it's cathartic for
me.
But also two because I'verealized that I'm not alone in
(03:05):
so many of the struggles andbeing able to have other people
be able to relate to some of thestruggles and say, wow, I
didn't realize that somebodyelse was going through this as
well, and that I'm not alone.
That's kind of where thatProsecco Queens came from.
So instead of just like lattegirls or something, let's make
(03:26):
it a little fancy, have a littleglass of bubbly and have fun
with friends.
Mary (03:32):
Yeah, that sounds great and I know.
When I read a little bit aboutyou, I felt like so many of the
things that you talk aboutreally resonate with my
listeners and this idea oftaking up your space and also
really as women, supporting eachother.
You know, I think we're oftenset up to be competitors or you
(03:55):
know, it's that raised eyebrow,like what's she up to, and I
think if we can come from aplace of sort of alignment and
understanding that we all have alot of things in common, that
to me is really a great strength.
Teresa (04:09):
Agreed.
We have more things in commonthan we do as adversaries, but
culturally and the way thatwe've all been taught and raised
, sometimes it seems theopposite.
Mary (04:20):
Yeah, for sure, okay.
So I want to get to this ideaof Nuyorican because I had never
heard of this, so can you tellme more?
What does that mean and how doyou think that influenced your
life?
Teresa (04:34):
Well, specifically me, I me myself, my family,
generations of my family wereNew Yorkers.
I've been in Jersey for a verylong time now, but I was born
and raised in New York City,raised in the Bronx since I was
about 15, and moved to NewJersey, and so I have family
everywhere else.
And I'm a Puerto Rican womanand, you know, realistically,
(04:57):
I'm a third generation PuertoRican woman.
So I was born here, not on theisland, raised here, and
generations of my family as well.
And what that means when we sayNuyorican is literally that our
grounding is based in aparticular culture, in the New
York Puerto Rican culture.
(05:17):
Right, there are Puerto Ricans,millions of us, all over the
country, right, and we aretaking up the appropriate space
that we need to.
You know, we are Americans andI think that's really a really
important distinction, and aNuyorican we'd like to say we're
a special kind.
We are loud, we're boisterous,we're loving, we're strong,
(05:39):
we're tough, you know, and we'refamily oriented, and not all of
us speak Spanish fluently, youknow, but we are ingrained in
our culture and that's reallywhat that means.
Mary (05:51):
Well, and from the little bit of research I did, is it
true that it started out kind ofas a derogatory term and then
it's sort of been embraced.
Does that sound accurate?
Teresa (06:01):
Possibly there's a lot of terms that are considered
derogatory.
I think, um, and I I don't knownecessarily the history
specifically, that deep downinto to that particular term.
What I can tell you is weembrace it in the sense of pride
.
Right, we see it as um, like Isaid, I've been in jersey, but
(06:21):
you can be from pennsylvaniaRicans in Pennsylvania and up in
the tri-state area in Floridaand Chicago and all over the
country of course, and I think,specifically when it comes to
saying someone is a Nuyorican,again it's just a sense of pride
, it's saying I come from quoteunquote the streets.
I have evolved, my family isevolved and no matter what's
(06:46):
thrown at us, we are able tothrive, and that's really how we
have taken the pride of thatand turned it into New York
again.
Mary (06:56):
Yeah, I love that.
So let's make a little.
We'll start to take our offramp into talking a little bit
about relationships and I knowin the information that I know
about you, you talk aboutovercoming.
You call them relationshiproller coasters.
So were there like pivotalmoments or lessons that you
(07:17):
learned from experiences thatyou tend to want to share or you
think might resonate with thewomen that listen to want to?
Teresa (07:24):
share or you think might resonate with the women that
listen.
One thing that I've been reallytapping into as I get older
it's something I was againraised with.
When, again, we talk about theNew Yorican culture for us, we
talk about the strong women inour culture and what they taught
us over the generations, andthat's, for me, the biggest gift
I can give any woman is to havethem learn what their intuition
(07:48):
is.
Listen to your intuition.
As I got older, I started totap in more to myself, into my
belly, into my mind, into thegrounding that we all need to
get back to, whether that'sspirituality, whether that's
going out in nature, whetherit's seeing the world for what
it is.
Whatever keeps you grounded inyour own self, into your
(08:09):
intuition, so you can listen toyourself, because our bodies
will tell us everything we needto know before our minds even
get there.
And for me, there was a lot oftimes where I just went off of
my feeling, lot of times where Ijust went off of my feeling, my
heart feelings versus my bodyfeelings, and what that means is
(08:34):
I went just solely off of whatI felt, just emotionally
emotionally as opposed to mybody telling me something was
wrong for the longest time.
Once I started to listen to thecues my body gave me you know
what they say.
It's your gut feeling.
Intuition is literally your gutfeeling.
Once I started to tap into thatmore, I was able to see things
and see people for who they areand for what they were and for
(08:56):
what they wanted and used me for.
Once you get into that and youtap into your dreams, you tap
into your soul, you tap intowhat you like to you know
yourself, you tap into yourintuition, you will be surprised
at how much you are able to seethings for who they see people
for who they are and see thingsfor what they are.
Mary (09:18):
Yeah, and I love that idea of intuition.
So you bring up emotion and youbring up this, this body
feeling, and I think sometimeswhere women get tripped up is
fear comes in.
So is that sort of so trying totease this apart a little bit
that I think we, you're right,we all have this gut feeling,
this intuition, but then somekind of emotion comes up and it
(09:42):
diverts us.
It's like, well, this feelsscary, so it must be wrong.
Teresa (09:47):
Yep, yep, I think that's exactly what it is.
It's so funny.
I just today was having thisconversation with a friend of
mine and he was like, oh mygoodness, I get butterflies and
I'm like I used to love gettingbutterflies, I used to
absolutely love it.
It was, you know, it was likelike my, my body's way of
telling me, oh, I'm so excited.
But one thing I've learned andI've had this conversation with
(10:09):
other people as well isbutterflies aren't always a good
sign.
Our bodies don't know thedifference between excitement
and nervousness or fear.
So sometimes we get thesebutterflies and we're thinking,
ooh, this feels great, but itcould be our body telling us be
careful and we have to learn howto navigate and listen to the
(10:32):
listen to those physicalsymptoms.
Because women, we work, most ofus work off of emotion.
Right, it could be in dating,it could be your jobs, it could
be literally your children,anything that we're dealing with
on a daily basis, and we tapinto our emotions and we go.
Well, you know what I feel likeI'm doing the right thing, my
(10:53):
heart is in it, you know, and wekind of go off of that.
But sometimes we forget there'sanother piece of that, a
logical piece of that.
We're always fighting brainversus heart.
We have to be able to listen toboth of them in order to make
the right decisions, but I willalways stick by.
Listening to your gut is numberone in anything that we do.
(11:17):
We really have to.
Mary (11:19):
Yeah, and I think part of socialization, when we're
starting a new relationship, wedo get that excitement.
It's exciting to startsomething new, get to know
someone new, and I thinksometimes we lose ourselves.
We want so much to be the onethat makes it work out that, and
especially, I think, when we'reyounger, because you and I
(11:39):
aren't younger anymore, so Ithink we've learned some lessons
.
But I think that's wheresometimes women can get tripped
up because that socialization.
We are the connector, we're thetend and befriend.
So we meet someone and it'slike oh, this is so exciting.
And if there's something that'sa little off, like, oh well, I
(12:00):
don't understand why he doesn'treturn my texts.
He always seems to have a goodreason, but it doesn't feel
right.
It's like trust that, becausethat behavior is basically he's
showing you who he is.
Teresa (12:14):
That's right.
You couldn't I mean, I couldn'thave said it better myself.
The reality is, when you'redoing anything, I say there's
two things, and for me it'sinteresting because I've been
learning really, especially whatI've been through and on my
podcast journey is reallylearning how to navigate this
exact situation you're speakingof, because, as women and I'll
(12:36):
say, as men as well when we'reout there in the world or out
there dating again, anythingthat we're doing we always for
the most part, most of us wantto give people the benefit of
the doubt, right?
We always say, well, I feltsomething, I thought they felt
something, or you know, sothey're not getting back to me.
We also internalize it it mustbe me.
So let me obsess about it, asopposed to saying you know what,
(12:59):
let them do what they're goingto do.
Right, let me not sweat itbecause, realistically, not
everybody's meant for everybodyelse, not just a relationship in
your life, right, anyrelationship or friendship.
You have a job, certain things.
If it's not for you, you willknow it's not for you.
However, we internalize so muchand we say, well, it has to be
(13:22):
something with me.
So I need to know why are theynot calling me back.
Why are they not consistent, asopposed to saying you know what
, maybe that's just the personthey are, maybe they're not
interested, maybe something cameup and living our own lives.
And I think that we all suffer,especially now, because we all
want instant gratification whenat the time, back in the day,
(13:44):
there was really no such thing.
Right Like you sometimes didn'ttalk to your boyfriend or your
friend for a couple of daysbecause nobody had cell phones,
but you weren't thinking, youweren't all like oh, they
haven't called my house 17 timesa day or texting me back in two
hours.
So I think we have to redefinehonesty and consistency.
(14:06):
That's what builds trust in anyrelationship and that's
actually what's lacking now.
That's a lot of what's lackingnow, and the other side of that,
which I had mentioned earlierwith those two sides, is that
you also have.
What I dealt with is and I'llsay men only, because that's
where the that's where I'mcoming from Right Right because
(14:28):
that's where the that's whereI'm coming from, right, right,
you'll have, you know, the menwho don't just want something
genuine, they want, they haveulterior motives and they'll put
in some kind of work and so for, whether it's you or you and
seven other people, to getwhatever goal right then and
there they have in mind.
So they'll say what you want tohear, but that's why you have
to go by your gut feelings,because you can hear something
(14:51):
somebody's saying and you canalso hear the undertones.
But you got to be there tolisten.
You got to really keep youreyes and ears open.
People want to be trusted andpeople want honesty.
That's really all that it takesin this world if people
actually want to do it.
Mary (15:06):
Yeah, and I think we make the assumption that other people
are going to show up like weare showing up.
If we're authentic and honest,certainly the other person must
be and kind of what you said,like we're going to look at
what's wrong with me If someonedoesn't respond to us or decides
that we're not for them.
We don't do that with otherthings.
(15:28):
So I talk about nature a lotand so we don't fault certain
plants.
If I don't love roses, there'snothing wrong with the rose,
it's just not for me.
Or food we don't all love thesame food.
There's nothing wrong with thatfood.
Everyone has something thatthey want and if they don't
choose you has something thatthey want, and if they don't
(15:50):
choose you, that doesn't meanthere's something wrong with you
.
So I think it's that's reallythat, that mindset.
And again, yes, listen, ifsomething feels, if you feel bad
, if a relationship makes youfeel bad, you have to be willing
to walk away from it?
Teresa (16:04):
Yeah, for sure, and I love what you said about about
the flowers.
Not everyone or everything isfor everybody, and you're right
and it is so.
You know, with our kids, youhave your.
You know people.
If you have your children.
Like you, you may not always bea fan of your own children,
right but that's because you'rebringing them up to be people.
(16:24):
You're going to love yourchildren, you're going to
nurture your children, but asthey get older, you're helping
them grow into a person thatthey're going to be naturally
right in the world.
So all you can do is your best.
You can do your best in anysituation, in any relationship,
and take what you learn.
(16:44):
Because, to be very honest withyou, I still struggle every day
after the dissolution of mysecond marriage, which I talk
about in the podcast, because ofnarcissistic tendencies and
personality disorder of my ex.
I spent years wondering what Idid wrong and how I didn't allow
or how I allowed things to goon, because I didn't listen to
(17:07):
my intuition, because I allowedred flags, because I made all
the excuses you mentioned.
You know things are going tochange and it'll stop after we
get married and I know that heloves me.
We have this family together.
We don't listen enough and wedon't.
And then I spent years feelinglike it was my fault.
Well, what was it that I did?
What can I?
I have done different.
The reality is there'sliterally nothing you can do
(17:30):
different if somebody is intenton doing what they want to do
and acting the way they want toact.
It's as simple as that.
Mary (17:37):
Yeah, and I think we also believe that if you love
somebody, it's going to work.
And you know, I worked withcollege students for a long time
and I would say, just becauseyou love somebody doesn't mean
you're supposed to be with them.
Oh yes, and I think too it'ssometimes, especially when we're
young, when we go into a datingsituation, it's unlike anything
(18:01):
else.
So, for instance, you have acertain style of clothing you
like to wear.
So I don't hear women say, well, I'm gonna wear this, even
though I hate it, because I justthink I should.
Or I'm gonna eat this food thatI can't stand because I think I
should.
But we bend ourselves intopretzels to fit into the shape
(18:23):
that just happens to be there inthe relationship.
It's not us shaped, it's shapedlike something else, but we do
everything we can to fit intothat space.
Teresa (18:33):
You are great with the metaphors, I have to tell you,
because I love it.
You are so correct.
You know we and again, I thinkthis comes with experience,
right, I think as you get older,you try to want people say I'm
an older woman, I don't careanymore.
I'm sure that's a part of it.
But I think as you get older,you try to when people say I'm
an older woman, I don't careanymore.
I'm sure that's a part of it.
But I think the part of sayingyou don't care anymore is that
you are not going to fit a moldanymore that somebody else is
(18:57):
going to like you.
Now it's kind of like this iswho I am, I'm working on myself,
I'm happy with my life, whethersomeone is with me or not with
me, and now your job, if you'regoing to be in my life, is to
add to that.
Right, I'm not going to changemyself or adjust, you know, to
working together.
Of course, changing who I amfundamentally just to fit your
(19:19):
narrative is not going to workanymore.
And that comes with experienceand it comes with confidence.
And when you're younger andwe're so told that we have to
have relationships and hitcertain milestones, we do that,
we adapt to other people and weeasily lose ourselves.
Mary (19:35):
For sure, for sure.
And I'm on my second marriage.
I've only been married a coupletwo and a half, about two and a
half years and go dating againafter my first marriage.
It is totally different, youknow, because it's first of all.
I spent a lot of time livingalone, so I loved that and I'm
(19:56):
not going to give up certainthings that I would have maybe
when I was 20.
And so it's easier, I think, asyou get older, to stand in that
space and own that space.
So there are unique challenges,but there are also joys of
dating in your 40s, right?
So how do you compare that to?
What are the joys that you'refinding now compared to when you
(20:17):
were younger?
Teresa (20:19):
I love the fact that I can make my own decisions.
I love you know, the reality is, as you get older, the dating
pool gets a little bit smallerand a little bit weirder.
I am not going to lie.
It is weird out there, um,female and male.
It is weird out there, um,because it's like the rest of us
(20:40):
, a bunch of divorcees out there, a bunch of kids.
You got some with young kids,you got some with grown kids,
you got some with grandkids.
It's like you start there.
You sit there and say, okay,what's the age range that I'm
looking for With the dating apps?
You know you'll have people onthe dating app say I'm looking
for this long term, lifelongthing and you're going okay,
that's nice.
(21:01):
Some people out there saying, oh, I want to just hook up.
Others are saying I want alifelong thing, and then you
talk to them for five minutesand you can tell they only want
to hook up and I'm like well,just say that.
Because guess what, as a womanin my forties, I also have a
little less inhibitions, right,I know my body, I know what I
like, what I don't like, whatI'll settle for, and I may
decide to have a little fun withyou, right, but be honest about
(21:23):
it.
Stop putting on fronts Like atsome point when you're in your
forties and fifties, it's likeenough with the games.
Say what you want and you willfind somebody that is looking
for the whatever.
It is the same thing and that'swhat's weird about it Trying to
navigate who was blowing smokeup your backside versus you know
, versus somebody that's genuine, and it kind of be hard to do.
(21:46):
The other part that I find hardwhich is funny because I'm
still fairly new to being outthere, realistically, I have
gone in and out and I'm justsometimes it's overwhelming is I
have trouble and I talked to mytherapist about this.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I dothink therapy is a wonderful
idea and it helps to haveanother ear sometimes that's
(22:07):
that's non-biased, right, um,but I digress, um, I find out
sometimes it's hard in thattalking stage for me when I say
that in the beginning you knowwhen you're talking to a bunch
of different people you might begoing on dates.
For me it's hard to know if Ishould be telling, if I should
(22:28):
assume other people know thatI'm out there dating If this
other person is doing the samething.
You know what are the rules.
Is it wrong of me?
Am I considered quote unquotecheating on somebody?
You know what I'm saying?
Like there's so much tonavigate in this world and
there's so many options thrownat you.
It's really thrown at you, it's.
It's really overwhelming attimes.
(22:49):
But this time I'm doing it alittle differently.
I'm calling the shots.
This time, good for you.
I'm saying, you know, and Ithink that's how we all have to
put it out there I'm notsettling.
I don't know that I'm lookingnecessarily for a relationship,
but if something grows into it,fantastic.
But I think this time I'm alsokeeping my eyes and my ears wide
(23:11):
open.
I'm not settling for pure redflags and I'm speaking my mind
and I realized if you can'thandle me speaking my mind, then
you are not to be in my life.
Simple as that.
Mary (23:21):
Well, I think that's another thing that we worry
about.
Are we too much for somebody?
And I've got you know?
I'm to the point now where ifI'm too much for you, then I'm
not for you.
Yes, you know, that's kind ofhow it is and I would think for
you.
So you have children and I do.
Does that also change how younavigate dating?
Teresa (23:43):
Oh, my goodness, yes, one.
No, you know, my kids knowmommy might have a friend here
and there.
And again, I, you know, likeI'm not even a big dater, quote
unquote like you know, I'm justnot.
I actually have a date tomorrownight, which is funny, but it's
so rare.
It's so rare I don't even tellmy kids.
I'm not.
My daughter's gonna be 19.
So I'll be like oh, mommy has adate tomorrow, like if I tell
(24:04):
her where I'm going and with who, I give her all the details,
that way, if something happens,you know exactly what, what's
going on.
My son is eight, he's only goingto be nine.
So I don't, I don't give himthat information.
Oh, mommy's going out with afriend, or I'm going out to have
fun, whatever.
Um, because as women, asmothers, as single mothers, is
whatever we are, we tend to feellike we are not allowed to do
(24:29):
those things right.
We feel like we are not allowedto find that time for ourselves
to be spoiled, to be taken out,and I think that's really
important to understand that youcan't live your best life for
your kids unless you are takingcare of yourself, and that means
, every once in a while, goingout.
And even if you have a crappytime, which does happen, and
(24:52):
then you can say, okay, well, Igot a meal out of it or whatever
the case may be.
Yeah, I got to dress.
I got to dress up and makemyself look pretty and instead
of the sweats I wear every day,whatever the case may be, one
thing I do for myself and I'veevolved a little with this I was
very weary about dating menwith kids.
I know it sounds weird, since Ihave kids.
(25:14):
Right, it makes sense to me,though I get it does it for me.
It's because it tells me one oftwo things.
One if you're trying to spendall your time with me, then I
wonder why you're not spendingtime with your kids.
Mary (25:29):
Right.
Teresa (25:30):
Two is I don't necessarily want the drama that
could come with the mother ofanother child.
Yeah, I know for me, ifsomebody comes around and dates
my ex-husband and they're goingto be around my kid, I could be
a lunatic.
I understand that.
I'm aware of that, right as Iwell should be, and so I don't
(25:56):
know that I want that either.
So it's really a weirdsituation and nobody will meet
my son.
Till I know I'm in anestablished relationship.
There is nobody coming aroundmy house, my kids at all.
Mary (26:05):
Yeah, yeah, and I think it makes sense to be wary of
children in your potentialpartner, because anything that
happens from that point impactsyour own kids and it's not easy,
even if the mom isn't in thepicture anymore, like if there
was.
You know, if it was not adivorce but maybe it was a widow
(26:26):
situation, but it doesn'tmatter, because it's there's a
relationship is hard enough.
And then you need to nowaccommodate these other lives
and, yeah, I think it's a lot tothink about.
So I think having that thatsense of sort of being wary
about it or not sure, I thinkthat's pretty healthy.
Teresa (26:46):
Well, I'm glad to hear that, Cause I I you know,
depending upon too I've evolveda little bit at certain points.
Right, If they have grown kidslike I have grown kids I'm like,
okay, that's not so bad.
Right, They've raised theirkids, that's great.
There's like little little bit,that little bits of um, that's
not going to have drama there,Right.
But you're right about even likethe widow, for example,
situation, the one, the otherpart of it that I have grown a
(27:07):
little bit on is I have, like ayoung son.
I had always hoped after my sonI might have another one, and
it didn't work out that way,because my daughter and my son
are 10 years apart.
So once she's out living herlife, my son's going to be by
himself and I had always wantedhim to have a sibling that was
around his age.
So I also think too, sometimesyou know, if you open your heart
(27:30):
, you open your mind a littlebit, you might end up that it
might also be beneficial for thekids as well.
As you know, instead ofnegative as well, there's so
many ways they can that thesesituations can evolve and you
just really got to hope for thebest they really do.
Mary (27:48):
Yeah, situations can evolve and you just really got
to hope for the best they reallydo.
Yeah, well, and I think it goesback to what we started with
that, if you have a sense thatthis isn't going to be a good
blended family, I think you needto pay attention to that, um,
because, yeah, it can bring alot of richness.
I mean, I have, my husband hastwo sons they're not my sons,
but they're I think of them asmy sons now and that brings a
lot of richness to your life.
(28:09):
But there's still certainly anadjustment, and I think there
have been situations where I hadfriends that dated someone with
children and I would hear whatthey would say and I would be
like, do you really want toembark on this?
Well, I really love him.
I'm like, yeah, but it's apackage deal.
So so, yeah, I think, seeingboth sides of it, that it can
(28:31):
really enrich your life and thelives of your children, but it
does have to be a situationthat's healthy.
Teresa (28:39):
Agreed Completely.
Mary (28:40):
Yeah, completely.
Teresa (28:41):
Yes.
Mary (28:42):
Yeah, and I think too sometimes that being able to
keep your individuality whenyou're part of a couple, I think
that's hard.
Even now, I think as we'retalking, you know we're older,
we're more sure about this iswho I am, this is what I want,
but I think once you get intothat relationship you can feel
like you're pulled off center alittle bit.
(29:03):
Does that?
Has that ever happened?
Have you experienced?
Teresa (29:05):
that, not recently, I haven't, you know but because I
haven't been in a relationshipin a few years.
I was in a situation for alittle, for about a year and a
half after I had months, after Ihad split with my ex-husband,
and that one definitely threw meoff kilter.
I know that with my ex, myex-husband.
(29:28):
It did because, like I said,this is the unfortunately the
second time I was married.
I was married in my twentiesand then in my thirties.
Because you can't control otherpeople and their actions and
you know people put their bestfoot forward in the beginning.
Usually that's what happens andthey can only put up a facade
for so long.
And I think that part of meevolving is learning that I have
(29:54):
to allow myself the grace andthe time not to fall head over
heels so quickly.
When we're younger, we thinkevery feeling that we have is a
sign from God.
God is, you know, and I listen.
I am spiritual beyond anything.
I believe in signs in every, inevery way.
(30:15):
But I'm more practical now tothe point that I'm like okay,
look at all of the picture, lookat the whole picture.
Look at what you have learnedin your experience.
There's no reason to jump thegun.
There's no reason to loseyourself anymore.
After the separation from my exand I fell into the situation
(30:38):
ship.
There was such an electric like, such a magnetic thing between
me and him that it knocked meoff my feet.
I didn't even feel that with myex and it turned me because I
still was so vulnerable and soraw from everything that
happened and I was still healing.
I'm still on my healing journey.
I remember completely losingmyself again quickly, and it
(31:02):
took me about another year to gowhoa, you're not looking for
this either.
Me about another year to gowhoa, you're not looking for
this either.
Take a step back.
We learn, hopefully, from everyexperience and you're able to
take a little bit of what youlearned from the last one and
move it to the next, andhopefully it doesn't take you 19
tries to get it right.
Mary (31:23):
Well, for sure I can relate to what you're saying,
because it wasn't that long ago.
I was in a relationship and itstarted fast and there were
things along the way that I waslike I'm not sure about this,
but I pushed through it and Igot myself a little too involved
and when it finally ended I waslike why did I?
And then I saw a meme not longafter the relationship ended and
(31:46):
it said I did see the red flags.
I just thought it was acarnival and I'm like, oh my God
, does that not sum it up?
Because it's so fun and you'rejust sort of living, really
sometimes in the beginning of arelationship, a life that isn't
like real life.
It's fun and it stays, and thenthat it's.
We have to remember, even evenas older women, that that's not
(32:08):
really how it's going to be.
Teresa (32:10):
Yes, it is.
Life is going to life, right.
What's you know, in thebeginning you're dating.
It's sexy.
If you're attracted to theperson, it's okay I mean wrong.
It doesn't happen all the time.
But if you are, it's sexy, it'sexciting, it's fun, it's
conversations all the time.
See, it's exciting, it's fun,it's conversations all the time.
(32:31):
It's it's going out to funexperiences together and taking
all the cutesy pictures together.
And then you start to get into arelationship and real life
starts to hit.
If you decide to live together,if you have kids, whatever the
case ages, whatever it may be.
And then all of a sudden yourealize this person spends a lot
of time in the bathroom, youknow, pick up his socks or clean
the dishes, or, oh, you know, Ithought that was cute back in
(32:51):
the day, but it's not anymore,because we also excuse away red
flags and we say, no, it's notso bad.
Or look at his situation.
Now, of course he's acting likethat.
Look at the situation.
We're not together full time,he's mad.
You know all of these things,he or she again, I just speak
from the female perspective.
Of course you know we do that,we all do that.
(33:20):
We excuse it away and that'swhy I say that listening to
yourself is better.
Now that doesn't mean if you seered flags, you dump them right
away and you're like, oh,absolutely not.
No, see, if they're open to aconversation about it.
You know, decide what youconsider livable versus not
livable.
There's also things called youknow, beige flags.
Where it's right on the cusp ofred flag or green flag, it's
livable.
You know, and have thatconversation and see where their
(33:43):
head is at, because,realistically, we also tend to
project sometimes and they couldbe like, well, you know, okay,
we want to have thisconversation, let's talk about
what your red flags might be.
Right, we sometimes we'relooking out but we're not
looking in.
So that's really important aswell.
Look inside and when you havethat communication, the biggest
(34:04):
green flag at this point thatI've learned to look for is the
willingness to have thatcommunication.
The biggest green flag at thispoint that I've learned to look
for is the willingness to havethat communication.
If, instantly, you see a redflag and you want to have a talk
about it and they refuse to orthey excuse it away, there's the
biggest teller that you need inany relationship 100%.
Mary (34:23):
And I think, too, when you see something, talk about it
Because I think we back awayfrom it because it's like, well,
maybe it's not that bad ormaybe it'll change, and then it
gets harder and harder to getthose words to come out.
And you know, it's that, theirrational beliefs that some of
us carry around, like I don'twant to sound crazy, I don't
(34:44):
want to sound high maintenanceand all of that crap that we've
been fed.
To communicate and to have yourown values and standards is not
high maintenance, it's healthy.
Teresa (34:55):
So that whole feeling of I don't want to nag him or push
him away, or I want to remainfun and the way he always saw me
and it's like, okay, but is heputting in that same effort?
Yeah, right, because when theycome in they get very
comfortable very quick.
And as women, we are taught asmore independent generations, um
(35:16):
, we're taught listen, your jobis not to please, is not to
please a man.
You know, you need to beyourself and if they can't
accept you, then that's that.
And I, as much as I agree to bemen, and I let me elaborate
(35:36):
with that.
What I mean by that is men are,um, chasers, right, they, they,
they like the chase, right,they like to be able to do
things, but so many times wehave the tendency to take it
away from them.
I am the first person to do it,you know.
I don't think the last time Ihad a man plan anything, a date
(35:57):
or whatever it is has been overa decade.
It was always me.
Yeah, there was never any gustoto say let me plan a night for
us or an event or something.
It was always me doing it and Iwould have loved for someone to
you know, for him to say youknow what?
Let me plan this weekend for us.
We're going to have a greattime, and you just show up and
(36:22):
I'm going to tell you what towear, what to do and I think
most men like that and beingable to do that.
And I think a lot of times us,being the women that we are, we
want to live the life we want tolive and we're going to find a
way to do it, you know.
And then what happens?
They get comfortable and it'slike, okay, well, she's going to
do it anyway, so there's nopoint Right?
So you know, I am one of themost independent people you will
find, but I've also learnedthat I have to be softer, and
(36:45):
that takes a lot of work as well.
Mary (36:52):
Yeah, well, yeah, that's the, the strong it's, it's that
strong woman thing.
But what, what, what else youknow to to figure out who are we
really?
And it's okay to be all thethings, and all the things at
different times are all thethings at once?
So, yes, of course.
So you alluded to not alwaysneeding to be in a relationship
and you used recently the wordsexy, so let's take that little
(37:13):
off ramp.
So how have your views onsexuality involved evolved now
that you have gone through like,different life stages, and how
do you approach a discussionabout that?
Teresa (37:26):
Weirdly enough, I am actually very open about who I
am.
I don't want to say what Iexpect.
That sounds, that sounds.
That's not.
That's not correct.
But really I know myself now.
(37:47):
It took me a lot of years rightTo find out what I like, what
I'm willing to do, with whom I'mwilling to do that, to do it,
willing to do with whom I'mwilling to do that, to do it and
not to feel ashamed about it.
See, that's the other thingwe're taught to feel shame.
(38:07):
Men are not most.
We are taught to feel shame.
But one thing I've learned overthe years is you know what I
have?
My body's not perfect.
I've had two kids.
I've had depression.
I like to eat whatever it maybe, um, but I need to do what I
need to do to feel sexy formyself in my own skin.
I don't need that outsidevalidation.
(38:27):
As a matter of fact, sometimes,if people even give me a
compliment or a man, I feel souncomfortable because I'm like
oh, I'm like, I'm just not Okay,thank you, cause I still don't
even know how to take it.
We don't allow ourselves totake compliments, to do the
things that make us feel goodand sexy and and and open about
(38:49):
certain things.
Um, I now at my age, havelearned there are some
sacrifices I will make and someI will not.
I speak on it and I say listen,if you're expecting X, y and Z,
I'm not down for X, y and Z.
So you're looking to the wrongperson, right?
So that's kind of how you haveto take it these days is, as you
(39:14):
get older, understand who youare as a woman, what you like as
a woman and what you're willingto accept and not accept,
because if the person you arewith, female or male, doesn't
respect that, then you need togo your opposite way.
That is what I've learned Beyour authentic self,
(39:34):
respectfully speak your mind andhave your boundaries.
Be your authentic self,respectfully speak your mind and
have your boundaries.
Mary (39:40):
Boundaries are so important, yeah, and whatever
those boundaries are is okay.
So I've talked before about mywork with college students and
college females and I can't tellyou how often I would hear them
when they talk about sexualinteractions.
They would say, well, I didn'treally want to, but I just went
(40:00):
along with it so he wouldn'tthink I was uptight and I was
like you know what it's yourbody?
So again, those messages we getthat we're supposed to be a
certain kind of way.
And here's we go back to thebody feeling.
If every part of your beingwants to resist this, you can
resist it.
You can say like I'm not, thisis not really what I want to do
(40:22):
right now, and if he has athought about that that's
negative.
Right there you're finding outhe's not for you.
So, yeah, I think, just reallyallowing and especially young
girls to be empowered to say Idon't want to do this, and they
still have a really hard timewith that and it always sort of
(40:44):
breaks my heart.
Teresa (40:45):
I agree.
You know my daughter, like Isaid, she's going to be 19.
And she has spent most of herchildhood very school-focused,
very education focused, and nowshe's kind of out there in the
little, the little teen datingworld.
It scares the crap out of me.
I'm not going to lie because Iknow what her future can hold.
(41:06):
You know she's with college andeverything else and I'm
constantly that kind of mombecause I was exactly like those
girls you're talking about,where you know I was just kind
of like well, I guess I just didit because I thought I had to.
I spent a lot of my 20s and 30seven like that because I
thought I had to.
And I try to impart on mydaughter.
(41:27):
There is nothing you have to do.
If you feel you have to doanything to keep somebody, they
are not the right person for you.
Respect comes in many forms andI have heard her and I'm so
proud of her at times say nopeand voice it.
I'm not ready for that,whatever it is.
(41:47):
I've heard her say it whetherit's over the phone, whether
it's in person, and I'm like,wow, I like that Because
sometimes young women and womenwe don't say that enough to men
and they.
So when they hear it, they'relike, oh, she doesn't mean that.
No, you know, let me try harder.
Absolutely not If she.
(42:08):
If a woman, a female, a younggirl, a woman, a grown woman,
whatever is saying that, ifthey're actually saying it out
loud, they need to listen to it.
Whatever is saying that, ifthey're actually saying it out
loud, they need to listen to it,like, realistically.
And we need to learn tounderstand that, no matter how
generational curses come through, generational traumas, what we
were raised with, you areallowed to listen to your body,
(42:29):
your mind, your heart, yourspirit.
Say no, and whoever you're withneeds to respect that.
It's as simple as that.
Mary (42:37):
And it doesn't mean you're not sexy or cool or whatever if
you don't want to have sex.
I think that's Of course, let'sthink about the movie scenes
that we remember where they'retearing each other's clothes off
and they just met.
And that's not how a woman'sbody works.
And I think, again, youngpeople don't know that as you
get older you start to recognizethat that or things change, so
(43:02):
it doesn't feel as good at times.
But I think that's another line.
We're fed that if you are acool, sexy girl, you're always
down for it.
Teresa (43:13):
And that's just not true , it is not true at all.
And listen, I am not against ifyou have that kind of chemistry
with somebody and that's whatyou want to do in that moment.
Listen, if you're twoconsenting adults, do what you
want to do, right.
However, but if you are feelingthat way and you're still not
(43:40):
ready, that's fine too.
A lot of times, we go aroundthese people that make us
physically feel like we want todo something and you could be in
the process of it and go oh, no, you know what?
No, no, no, mentally I'm notready, emotionally I'm not ready
, I don't want to do this rightnow.
Then that's fine too.
I think people believe, and alot of times, no, mentally I'm
not ready, emotionally I'm notready, I don't want to do this
right now.
Then that's fine too.
I think people believe, and alot of times again, like you're
saying with movies and all kindsof stuff that we are not
(44:02):
allowed to stop and in any, inany part of the process.
And that is absolutely not true.
Right, you know, and you areallowed.
You know you'll have them say,oh well, yes, because, oh, now
you're being approved.
No, that's not the case, butI'm glad that's where your head
is at right.
The case is, I believe that weshouldn't always have to express
(44:26):
myself in one night, and if, bythe way, you like me enough,
then I should be worth it untilI'm ready, right?
That's another way you weed outwho's good for you and who's
not, who is willing to respectyour boundaries and say you know
what I got you?
Boo, we're good, we're good,let's go have fun.
Let's put our clothes back onand go have a drink right, or
(44:53):
we'll talk tomorrow and then seeif you guys talk the next day
right?
Mary (44:55):
That's how you learn about people completely, yeah, yeah,
well, and you mentioned bodyimage, or how your body changes,
and I work a lot with women inmenopause and even for me, I
just talked to a guest recentlyand we gain an average of 15
pounds when we go throughmenopause.
So, but but our bodies changeafter children, after menopause.
So what advice would you givefrom what you've learned, to
(45:18):
other women who struggle withbody image issues?
Teresa (45:22):
It's interesting that you bring that up.
I was on a podcast a couple ofmonths ago where I had
specifically said for me this isfor me because of everything I
went through in the past coupleof years and during COVID I
gained 30 pounds of likedepression weight and I am still
fighting that 30 pounds off.
And now I'm 42 and I'm startingperimenopause, so imagine and I
(45:45):
have a thyroid issue, so I amscrewed way to the wind trying
to lose that weight, you know,and I've had two babies in 20
years and God bless the womenthat can bounce right back after
baby.
I'm telling you I wish that mybody and my genetics work that
way.
It does not.
I have to work out very, veryhard and be extremely strict to
(46:07):
to get to where I want to be,and that does get so much harder
as you get older and sometimesI want to have something sweet.
I'm not going to pretend that'snot the case.
Mary (46:15):
You know definitely want to have something sweet.
Teresa (46:16):
I'm not going to pretend that's not the case.
Yeah for sure, you know,definitely want to have
something sweet or have a bigmeal and it might be a thousand
calories.
Okay, I'll walk a little morethe next day.
But I think, looking, we lookat ourselves, and I am the
biggest culprit of this and Ihave trouble sometimes
recognizing myself.
I think that's the biggestindicator that you may want to
(46:38):
make some sort of change in yourlife.
You can be comfortable in yourskin at literally any size, any
shape.
We all have stretch marks,scars.
I have stretch marks and then Ihad my appendix out a year ago
and now I have surgery scars ontop of that.
Some of us nursed our kids, sowe're not all looking perky like
we used to and all the thingsthat we tell ourselves.
(47:00):
But this is natural.
This is what women are supposedto look like.
The Venus de Milo, like one ofthe first female sculptures.
She was stunning and she wasround and busty.
Yes, you know, and that's whatgoddesses looked like.
That's that's what we'resupposed to look like.
(47:21):
I always say be healthy,exercise, be happy.
You know, for me, am I theweight that I am, that I want to
be?
Absolutely not, Because this isnot weight I put on because I
was happy.
It wasn't happy weight.
This is weight because it wasweight that I just couldn't
control.
Am I struggling to get it off?
Of course, and I want to feelcomfortable in my own skin.
(47:42):
In the meantime, I'm going torock the skin that I'm in.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Mary (47:48):
Yeah, that's great.
Teresa (47:50):
I'm going to get a t-shirt that says that, actually
, but it'll be bigger than Iwant, but that's what happens,
right?
So, realistically, that's mybiggest takeaway is if you want
to be healthier, you should behealthier.
If you are comfortable atwhatever size you're at, amen to
you.
And if there are things youwant to change, do that as well.
(48:11):
I am not against plasticsurgery.
I am not against whatever it is.
You want to do, ozempicwhatever.
If you want to go through theside effects, amen to you.
Fantastic, you do whatevermakes you feel like you and
don't let society tell you whatyou should look like.
That's the biggest goal.
Mary (48:28):
Yeah, and what I find is men aren't as picky as we think
they are Some of them areExactly correct, but many of
them are not.
They understand that there is afemale form that is not what
we're seeing in magazines.
So you know some of that.
I think we also fool ourselves.
(48:49):
We think, oh, I'm notattractive to anyone.
So yeah, I think that idea ofrock the skin you're in, because
don't waste even a day wishingwork towards something,
certainly, but live today andjust make the best best, make
the best choices you can, and Ithink that's that's the way to
go about it.
Teresa (49:10):
I've seen so many TikToks lately of grown men
saying mom, belly, mom, bodies,beautiful women, that like
that's what we, that's what wewant to see.
You know, like we know you have, show us those stretch marks
and and the scars, and that he'slike we're just going to kiss
it and keep going.
I'm like, okay, you know.
(49:30):
Even better, you know, and westill have the tendency to to be
self-conscious.
Of course, Um, am definitelyself-conscious again, because
you know, for me it's not mynormal look.
But I think if you're able to dowhat makes you happy and you're
in, like you said, a healthysituation where you are not
(49:54):
feeling bad and someone's notmaking you feel bad, then you
are doing really, really wellbecause you're right.
Most men, especially older menin our generations, if they
really believe that a womandoesn't have regardless of
whether you had kids or not, bythe way, let's just, let's just
preface that Not everybody's hadkids, you don't have to have
(50:15):
kids, our bodies changeregardless over the years If
they believe that there's womenout there that all look like
J-Lo, then you're really livingin a bubble and you need to
leave your computer screen everyonce in a while.
Mary (50:29):
Yeah, yeah, and a lot of women that we see as celebrities
have a team.
They have a chef, they have ateam, you know, they have a chef
, they have a trainer.
So there's, and they also haveairbrushing for most of their
their pictures so yeah, so Ithink that would be a whole
other conversation.
But, teresa, I have lovedtalking to you today.
(50:49):
This has been so fun.
I loved our conversation.
Teresa (50:52):
Me too.
Thank you so much.
I being able to speak on notjust women's issues but issues
in general, because as a societywe have to do better, we have
to respect better, and women areevolving and I think that men
need to kind of catch up and dothat too.
Mary (51:12):
Well, and I think, empowered women, empower women.
So I really love it yeah.
Yeah, so I want to thank you allfor listening.
If you have comments on today'sshow, use the link in the show
notes to text me and if you lovelistening, consider leaving a
review a powerful way to helpothers find me and hear all my
amazing guests, like my guesttoday.
My guest today.
(51:38):
And finally, if you'd like tojoin my email community, get my
weekly musings on how nature andmy garden give me lessons about
life.
Click the link in the shownotes to sign up.
I'm also going to put a link toTeresa's podcast in my show
notes.
And, teresa, before we end, isthere anything else that you
want me, that you want to letpeople know?
You offer, or should I sendthem to your podcast?
Teresa (51:56):
Yes, please send us my podcast for psycho Queens
podcast.
I am actually, um, working aswe speak on my website, so I'm
going to have a blog coming soonas well.
Um, I will have some newepisodes in the next couple of
weeks to months.
I'm taking a little bit of ahiatus, giving everybody time to
catch up if they, if they mustdo so, and, um, just to get to
(52:16):
know me a little bit more andthe journey, the journeys that
we're all on together, Perfect.
Mary (52:23):
So look into the show notes for Teresa's information
and, until next time, go outinto the world and be the
amazing, resilient, vibrantviolet that you are.
Thank you.
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