Expect the Expected: Managing Disappointment (Mini)

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Have you ever found yourself deeply disappointed by someone who behaved exactly as they always do? That moment when you share exciting news with a loved one, only to have them immediately make it about themselves—again. That's exactly what we're diving into today.

"Expecting the expected" might sound like settling for less, but it's actually a pathway to freedom. Drawing from over three decades in mental health and my own lived experiences, I explore how we often create idealized versions of our relationships that don't match reality. Through a revealing client story about a mother who consistently failed to celebrate her daughter's achievements, we examine why we keep hoping people will suddenly become someone they've never been.

This mini-episode isn't about giving up on relationships—it's about seeing them clearly. When someone shows you who they are repeatedly, the disappointment isn't in their behavior; it's in the gap between reality and your expectations. Whether it's a parent who can't stop centering themselves, a friend who always cancels plans, or a partner who dismisses your feelings, recognizing patterns allows you to make conscious choices about your emotional investment.

The real transformation happens when you stop trying to change others and start honoring your own needs. Sometimes this means leaning away instead of leaning in. Sometimes it means maintaining boundaries while adjusting expectations. And in truly toxic situations, it might mean stepping back entirely. Whatever you choose, it comes from a place of clarity rather than wishful thinking.

Text me your thoughts using the link in the show notes, and join me next week for another bite-sized reflection on taking up your space—mind, body, and spirit.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
I'm Mary Rothwell, and today's mini-episode is a
little pocket of insight tocarry with you into your day If
you're new here.
This podcast is all about whatit truly means for women to take
up their space mind, body andspirit.
After more than three decadesin the mental health field and
plenty of my own livedexperience, I've seen how women
are often told, subtly ordirectly, to stay in their lane,

(00:29):
to be agreeable, accommodatingand small.
But here's the truth you werenever meant to live inside those
guardrails.
I believe we know who we areand what we want somewhere
inside.
I think we've just forgotten orit's gotten covered up by other
people's expectations.
In these short episodes, I'lloffer bite-sized reflections on

(00:50):
the themes we explore in longerconversations things like sleep
boundaries, nourishment,relationships, overcoming really
hard things and actually whatwe can learn from plants,
because y'all know and actuallywhat we can learn from plants
because y'all know, if you'velistened to anything that I've
said or written, that I loveplants.
So, whether you're walking thedog, sipping your morning tea or

(01:14):
just taking a quiet moment inthe car, this is your time to
grow your mind and take up yourspace.
Okay, so I'm going to talk toyou today about expecting the
expected.
Okay, so I'm going to talk toyou today about expecting the
expected.

(01:34):
I think we all have thoserelationships with someone in
our life where we feel like theyaren't showing up, like we're
showing up, and sometimes it'sbeen a lifetime of
disappointment.
So I'm going to give you alittle example from a client
that I worked with and she wastalking to me about her mom and
I had known we'd worked togetherfor several months.
I knew a little about her momand she was talking about having

(01:58):
a really great accomplishmentthat happened to her.
She achieved something reallycool and the first person she
wanted to tell was her mom,which makes sense.
So she called her mom and shetold her and within about 45
seconds, her mom turned theconversation around to her life

(02:19):
and what was wrong and what wasgoing on.
And so, as this client wastalking to me about this, you
know how upset she was and whycan't my mom just be there for
me and hear me and celebrate myachievements?
And I said to her well, doesn'tyour mom always do this?
Now, I don't like the wordalways, but this mom's pretty

(02:41):
consistent and she said to meyeah, she does.
I said so and she is actuallythe one that said I should
expect the expected and I saidyeah, and we joked about making
that into a bumper sticker.
But I think the thing was thatshe had this idea of who her mom

(03:06):
should be or what a mom shouldbe, and she kept wanting this
relationship and wanting her momto be this person and I think
we all have some of these peopleher mom to be this person, and
I think we all have some ofthese people.
I think there are times wherewe've invested in something and
maybe we do this over and overagain and we think it's going to

(03:28):
be different.
So it might be somebody thatdoesn't plan time with us like
we plan time with them, or theymight cancel, often at the last
minute, and when it happens wefeel that same disappointment or
even hurt, but they always doit, or they do it most of the
time.
So I think when you're in asituation like this, deciding

(03:52):
how you want to show up goingforward, you might decide you're
going to keep doing it andsometimes with a child, that we
might decide to do that.
That doesn't mean it's the bestchoice for your mental health,
but you can decide how you wantto proceed.
The thing to be careful about isdoing something with the intent

(04:14):
to change the other person'sbehavior.
So sometimes the silenttreatment.
We do that and we think it'sgoing to change somebody else's
behavior.
So when you're thinking aboutthese relationships, think about
how you might want to show updifferently and that might mean
that you lean away instead ofleaning in.
It may mean that if it's trulyunhealthy or to the level of

(04:38):
toxic, you might decide youdon't want to invest anything in
that relationship anymore.
There's a whole continuum.
But I think the first step isreally just deciding if this is
a situation where you are beingshown consistently who this
person is and remember it's notalways something that is done to

(05:03):
hurt you intentionally.
We do what we need to do tomeet our own needs.
So that person maybe has otherneeds that they're prioritizing.
They likely do so.
It's not personal, but I thinkexpect the expected and look at
behavior through a very clearlens and then you decide what

(05:25):
you need to do going forward foryourself.
Thanks for joining me intoday's shorty episode.
If you have comments, I wouldlove to hear them.
You can text me individually atthe link in the show notes and
stay tuned next week for my nextshort episode.
Thank you.