Expect The Expected: Navigating Hurtful Family Dynamics

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Holiday gatherings can feel like a pressure cooker when old dynamics collide with high hopes. We open up about the quiet bargain many of us make—if we do more, maybe they’ll hurt us less—and why that bargain drains joy. Instead, we walk through a practical, compassionate shift: expect the expected. When someone’s track record reliably brings criticism or dismissal, predicting a different outcome sets us up for pain. Grounding our plans in reality doesn’t make us cold; it makes us kinder to ourselves and more present for those who care.

We unpack the unpleasable parent pattern and how it sneaks into menu choices, gift lists, and last-minute errands. By asking who we’re doing it for and what response we’re expecting, we reclaim control over our energy and time. If you choose to keep a tradition, do it because it lights you up, not because you hope for a rare compliment. If you decide to scale back, you free space for connection that actually lands—laughter in the kitchen, a quiet cup of tea, a moment of calm after the table is cleared. Boundaries become tools for hospitality, not barriers to it.

You’ll hear simple ways to reduce resentment and protect your peace: shorter visits, clear expectations, and a realistic view of how certain relatives behave. We also emphasize redirecting effort toward the people who see you—those who give back the goodwill you offer. Joy grows when approval stops being the scorecard. If the holidays have felt heavy, this conversation offers a path to lighter, truer celebrations that honor your values and your heart.

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs gentler holidays, and leave a quick review. Your stories help others find theirs—and help all of us choose joy over approval.

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Episode Transcript

Mary (00:00):
Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
So we are neck deep into theholidays, and my family
celebrates Christmas, and I amhosting them this year, and we
do that on Christmas Eve.
So we are only three days away,and I am not nearly ready.

(00:22):
But um one of the things that Iwas thinking about today, when I
think about what is it about theholidays that makes it so
difficult sometimes.
And of course, there's a myriadof things.
We see people that we don'toften see, maybe during the

(00:45):
year.
So everything is intensified.
I think it's more people, it'smore everything, more spending.
But one of the things that I'vetalked about before is the idea
of expecting the expected.

(01:42):
Yet when you think about beingwith them or, you know, the
interactions that are coming, weoften set an expectation for
them to be, do, act the way wethink they should, or to give to
us the same goodwill or the samefeelings that we give to them.

(02:06):
Not everybody has the same heartas you do.
So if you have people in yourlife that you feel consistently
hurt your feelings, disappointyou, let you down, think about
what happens to cause that foryou.
And often it comes from the ideathat someone is going to act the

(02:33):
way we really want them to.
So let me put it into a context.
Let's say that you have a parentthat you never feel like you can
please that parent.
They often say things that hurtyour feelings, or they're very
judgmental, or you put a lot oftime and effort into something.

(02:54):
And here's where we can comeback to the holidays.
We put a lot of time and effortinto things at the holidays.
So think about if that is maybepart of the issue that there is
a parent or there is someone whoyou want to please, or you set
up this idea of if you do thisthing, they're going to react

(03:18):
this way.
And if you look at the historyof your life, or the your
history with this person, or therelationship with this person,
and you recognize that most ofthe time they do react in a way
that is hurtful to you.

(03:39):
Then as you go forward, ifyou're going to interact with
this person or you're fallingback into that pattern of if
only I do this one thing, if Ido this thing that I didn't do
the last time, then I'm going tomake them happy, or then I'm
going to be enough, or thenthey're going to think that what

(04:00):
I did is special enough or I'mworthy.
I think we need to look at whatis the track record.
We need to really honestly lookat the history.
And nearly 100% of the time inthose situations, it's not you.
It's not about what you do.
Because if you think about howyou interact with people and you

(04:23):
don't have this way of reactingthat is hurtful, or you
recognize an effort of someone,even if the end result isn't
quite as perfect as they want itto be, you deserve to be treated
the way you treat other people.
And if there's somebody in yourlife that consistently does

(04:45):
things or says things that arehurtful, then I think you need
to expect the expected and justadjust not just that
expectation, but adjust whatyou're doing when you're
thinking about what you'replanning or all the things that
you're trying to get to cometogether, especially again at

(05:08):
this time of year.
Think about who are you doing itfor?
And if it's really that you'retrying to achieve acceptance or
recognition or something from acertain person, and that
typically is not something thatever happens, then I would say,
what do you want to do?
Do what you want to do.

(05:28):
And that way you are making theholiday about the joy that you
want.
And if you still choose to tryto create or do or bake or buy
or do whatever the thing is fora certain person who tends to
disappoint you, then just gointo it recognizing what the

(05:52):
likely outcome is.
So I hope that if there'ssomeone like this in your life,
that you are able to kind ofdecide what you want to create
for you or what you want tocreate for the people in your
life that do see you, that doappreciate you, and also give

(06:14):
back to you the level ofgoodwill and kindness and
generosity that you give tothem.
I hope that you have a beautifulChristmas.
I hope that you find peace andtiny moments of joy.
And until next time, go out intothe world and be the amazing,
resilient, vibrant violet thatyou are.