October 14, 2025 • 37 mins
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What makes a strong, intelligent woman stay in an abusive relationship? Nikki Allen's answer might surprise you. The author of "Loved You Hated You" joins Mary to share how vulnerability after losing her mother and moving to a new city without support made her susceptible to an abusive partner she never imagined she'd tolerate.
Nikki takes us through the confusing "charm-harm" cycle that trapped her for years—where moments of apparent love and grand romantic gestures alternated with emotional and physical abuse. With remarkable candor, she explains why leaving isn't as simple as others might think: "I'd call my dad and he'd go 'well, that's just what you guys do.'" Without support systems and anchored by unhealed childhood wounds, Nikki found herself increasingly isolated.
The conversation reveals how Nikki's creative process—transforming her experience first into a song, then a screenplay, and finally a novel—became a pathway to healing. Most powerfully, she describes what "choosing yourself" actually looks like beyond theory: looking in the mirror after years of avoiding her reflection, telling herself she was beautiful despite years of being told otherwise, and building the radical self-love that now defines her boundaries.
Whether you've experienced relationship trauma, know someone who has, or simply want to understand the psychology behind these complex situations, this episode offers compassionate insight without judgment. Nikki's journey from victim to author reminds us that our hardest experiences can become sources of strength, and that choosing ourselves is an ongoing practice of courage.
Ready to reclaim your own power? Listen now and discover how "soul surgery" might be the healing path you've been searching for.
You can find Nikki HERE.
Comments about this episode? Suggestions for a future episode? Email me directly at NSVpodcast@gmail.com.
Follow me on Facebook and Instagram, and check out my website!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mary (00:05):
Welcome to no Shrinking Violence.
I'm your host, mary Rothwell,licensed therapist and certified
integrative mental healthpractitioner.
I've created a space where wecelebrate the intuition and
power of women who want to breakfree from limiting narratives.
We'll explore all realms ofwellness what it means to take
up space unapologetically, andhow your essential nature is key
(00:28):
to living life on your terms.
It's time to own your space,trust your nature and flourish.
Let's dive in.
Hey, violets, welcome to theshow.
Over the years I've had women ofall ages who've sat in my
office resisting the truth oftheir partner relationships.
The truth includes the factthat things have changed
(00:49):
drastically and not for thebetter.
So often these women want tofunction and feel like their
relationship did in thebeginning the excitement and the
discovery when love bombing wasmistaken for simply love.
Any red flags would have beeneasier to ignore.
Back then, and when the truenature of the partner and the
unhealthy tone of therelationship starts to be more
(01:11):
and more obvious, the focusremains on the past who he or
she because these situationsaren't limited to heterosexual
relationships was in thebeginning.
But the real person, who he orshe is now, is the reality.
Relationships hit the skids foran incalculable number of
reasons.
(01:31):
Sometimes people grow indifferent directions, and
sometimes there's infidelity oreven abuse.
Most often it's something inbetween.
We often choose partners thatmimic patterns of the past or
who we believe deep down willhelp heal something which we may
not even be fully aware of.
But one thing is true, and I'vesaid it a thousand times if
(01:52):
I've said it once just becauseyou love someone doesn't mean
you should be with them.
My guest today knows that storyall too well.
Nikki Allen is the author ofLoved you Hated you, a bold and
emotionally charged novelinspired by real-life heartbreak
.
What began as a song, thenevolved into a screenplay,
became a work of fiction thatexplores betrayal, identity loss
(02:15):
and the power of choosingyourself.
Nikki's here today to talk withus about her story and how it
fueled the creative process, heremotional healing and the
truths that fiction can reveal.
Welcome to no Shrinking Violets, nikki.
Nikki (02:29):
Thank you so much for having me.
I am so excited.
In your intro I'm like yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
all of that, yes, yes, I want totalk about all of it.
Mary (02:39):
It sounded a little familiar, huh.
Nikki (02:41):
Oh gosh, yes, Especially the love bombing versus love.
You know that.
That one was yeah, yeah, andsometimes it's hard to to know
the distinction.
You know what I mean.
Yes, I, growing up, I learnedwell, I call it the.
The people call it thehoneymoon phase.
I go when you're under theanesthesia, right, yes, but they
(03:05):
say, give it six months andyou'll know who that person is.
That's what I've always heard,and truth.
People can't hold on to themask longer than six months
usually.
Mary (03:14):
Right, and I think that's sort of the amount of time it
takes us to maybe recognize thatred flags are real red flags.
Nikki (03:21):
Yes, but we, as women, six months, we're in that
relationship.
Forget the red flags and let'sbe honest, because it's like, oh
, I can deal with that.
Okay, Well, that's kind of cute.
Well, you know, maybe you knowwe skirt around it, but keep
your eyes open for those sixmonths.
Yes, yeah, lay off theanesthesia and pay attention.
Mary (03:45):
Right.
Okay, so I know that your bookis a work of fiction, but could
you start by sharing some of theevents in your own life that
maybe led you to eventuallywrite the novel and I know there
were things that came beforethat too right?
Nikki (03:58):
Right, yeah, so it was a song on my first album and then
a screenplay.
But I was in an abusiverelationship and it wasn't
always physical, but it wasdefinitely always emotional.
And you know, it took a very,very long time to get out of
(04:19):
that relationship and it allcame down to self and I had to
ask myself hard questions likewhoa, why am I allowing this to
happen?
And people that have known mebefore that relationship always
saw me as a strong person.
My dad used to say Nikki, don'ttake no shit.
(04:39):
So how did I end up in thatkind of relationship?
And so it's one.
It's one of those things I callit soul surgery.
You have to just do some soulsurgery, pick up the mirror and
look at that and ask yourselfsome really hard questions.
And so that is really whatstarted the song.
(05:00):
But the song, the lyrics,actually are I loved you, I
hated you, and now I'm releasingyou.
So there's an ending there.
I had to do the release.
So that's kind of the journeybehind the book.
Mary (05:15):
Yeah, and you know you use the word strong and I think
that there are a lot of womenthat end up kind of saying how
the hell did I get here?
Because they're not weak.
It's sort of like you alludedto in the beginning.
It kind of starts slow andironically, I just sent an email
to my email list and I startedwith I thought it was a carnival
(05:36):
, like I saw the red flags- butI thought it was a carnival.
And then you realize this is nota carnival.
So how did you did it?
Did you have some of that alongthe way, like some a
realization, or do you feel likethere was like a flashbulb
moment where you recognized Ineed to get away from this
situation?
Nikki (05:56):
If I'm really going to be honest, brutally honest, all of
that didn't matter in thebeginning.
It wasn't until we put eachother in the hospital that it
was like oh yeah, this probablyis not a good relationship, and
that happened maybe a year ortwo into the relationship.
But what I'll say for me how Iended up in that situation.
(06:22):
I had just lost my mom.
I had just moved to LA.
I didn't know anybody, I didn'thave any family here, I didn't
have any support, and there hewas right.
He was my only support.
So I'm holding onto him fordear life.
Hence, okay, yes, I saw all thesigns.
Hence, okay, yes, I saw all thesigns.
(06:43):
I'm like.
And then I'm new, I'm in my 20s, I'm new at adulthood, I'm new
in LA, I'm trying to navigate.
I'm a grown girl, I'm a biggirl, right, so I can handle
this.
This isn't anything.
But you don't realize, I didn'trealize I was being beat down.
(07:03):
You know all the times my momtold me I was beautiful and I
had this guy telling me I wasn'tworth anything.
You know.
So wait what you know.
And it was, it was.
It was difficult when Irealized, oh my gosh, I'm
latching onto this guy becausehe's the only person I have, you
know.
But I really had myself, andonce I figured that out I was
(07:24):
like, oh, I'm good, I don't needto be here anymore.
But even that is a journey.
It just really is.
But kudos, when you find thatspace where okay, I got to go.
Mary (07:38):
Did you have people in your life that tried to say,
like Nikki, this is not good?
Nikki (07:45):
in your life that tried to say, like Nikki, this is not
good.
Well, here's what's interestingNow.
My parents were married for 30plus years until my mom passed
away.
So I had a father figure in mylife.
But I'll say this my dad wasn'ta great person, and so when I,
when the first time this guy hitme and I called my dad cause
I'm like my dad's six, three andtall he's gonna fly out here
and whip this guy's butt, youknow and I call my dad and he
(08:07):
goes well, that's just what youguys do, you know.
So that didn't help, becausethen it's like a validation.
But my dad was born in 1932.
So, hitting women and degradingwomen and let me be very clear
he never touched my mom.
I've never seen that in ourhousehold.
So that was the other thingthat was shocking.
(08:28):
But I did know his first wife.
They used to fight, so hence,well, that's what you all do.
Then I did have one girlfriendthat you know.
I'm running to her after everysituation and she would give me
the best advice and give me hershoulder to cry on, until one
day she was like you know, nikki, I really don't want to hear
(08:50):
this anymore, because I give youall the advice and you don't
take it, and so you want to stay.
And until you don't want tostay, I don't want to hear about
it.
And I will say I was just likeI wasn't upset with her.
It just kind of, you know, gaveme a little ping like, hmm, you
(09:10):
know, okay, so she doesn't wantto talk about it.
So now I'm stuck with all thismess myself, but that, that's.
Those were the.
Those are the two people in mylife.
You know, I reached out to mydad and he's like, yeah, well,
that what you want to do.
Then I had the one friend like,yeah, I don't talk about this
anymore.
So again, I'm still out on myown island there.
You know what I mean At the endof the day, because I was
(09:32):
getting good advice.
But it's one person, one personthat is not really related to
me.
Like I said, I just moved to LA, so I didn't know her that well
(09:56):
, that wasn't my best friendfrom you know, toddler.
That's like I'm listening towhat she says.
I was like, okay, yeah, I lovehim.
I love him.
He's just so, because when he'teven know that was a thing
charm, harm, but that is exactlywhat it is, it's that charm
that, oh, baby, I'm not going todo it again.
Oh, and then you know we got tostop doing this, we and you,
(10:17):
and they minimize their role,and then, of course, you think
it's all you, yeah.
Mary (10:23):
Yeah, yeah, it becomes so easy for us to, I think, slip
into something where we hearsomeone say something.
And here's the funny thing.
I'm guessing along the way, hetold you positive things about
yourself, right, right, yeah, ohyeah.
And we focus in later on themessages of being unworthy, and
(10:44):
then we kind of I almost feellike we pull it around ourselves
like this blanket and drag itaround.
And how do you shed that?
Nikki (10:54):
Right.
But here's the here's the crazypart.
We're wearing this, I'm notworthy, and and then, and then
they turn around and tell youyou're, you're it, you're the
best thing ever.
It's so confusing and it'sreally it all comes down to.
You're not grounded with you,so you're just kind of being
like, and then you're stillstuck on that I love you and
(11:14):
you're stuck on what he saidthat got you there.
That has been gone a long timeago, probably since the first
day you met him, yeah, or veryearly in a relationship, and
that's the other thing we holdon to that.
You know my guy at that time Iremember we had had a really bad
falling out.
It was around Valentine's Day.
I came home from work.
(11:36):
We didn't live together, but hehad keys to my apartment.
I came home from work by thistime I'm like I'm done, I'm
leaving him.
You know I was ready.
Got home, the hallway leadingto my bedroom had rose petals
all the way down, opened up mybedroom door, balloons, flowers,
teddy bears, and when I tellyou he could write a mean love
(11:58):
card, like you know, you get thehallmark and then he'd add his
stuff and it's like, oh my God,like, how do you leave that
Right?
We want that every day.
So you, we, we're women, we'renurturers.
That's in there, in him, that'swhat we want.
So we got to do what we got todo to keep that guy happy.
(12:20):
You know what I mean, yeah, andso you know it's just it's
really hard.
Mary (12:23):
That's that charm harm, you know.
Yeah, and I think it does makeit hard because people will
often think but I've seen thispart of him and it makes it
easier to say that the unhealthypart is the anomaly, like oh,
that's not, he's having a hardday, or I shouldn't make such a
fuss about things, or you know,it know, it just amazes me.
(12:46):
And that's why I want to alwaysmake sure I talk about the fact
that this doesn't make womenweak.
Nikki (12:52):
There's something.
Mary (12:53):
I mean, and even that feeling of when you opened your
bedroom and you get this sort ofsurge of like that's love
bombing, but it's like a drug,it really in our brain, that
feel good hormone takes overeverything and it's like, oh no,
it is going to be okay.
Nikki (13:10):
Yeah, and then it loops you back into oh, he's back to
what he used to be, or we'regoing back to where we were.
We're going back to what I knew.
This was in there.
I knew he was changing.
I knew, I knew until fiveminutes later.
I knew I knew until fiveminutes later.
You know this isn't enough, why?
You know it will trigger itback to that.
You know, I mean, because,truth be told, I remember that
(13:31):
moment.
I don't know what happened, butit didn't last long.
Yeah, you know, but look what Iremembered out of that, right.
Mary (13:38):
Yes, absolutely, absolutely.
Nikki (13:40):
And it's real.
Mary (13:42):
So I know that, like we said, your book is a novel, so
which you know, that means it'sfiction.
But a lot of times our fictionis based on, you know, themes of
things that we've experienced.
So do you remember the day youdecided I'm going to write a
book about this, and what did itfeel like to start to put all
that into a story?
All those feelings?
Nikki (14:02):
Well, like I said, it was a song first, so those raw
emotions really went into thesong.
But as I was listening to thesong and we had this
conversation about me hearing,when I hear I see like visuals
and I'm like I see this as awhole movie.
So I sat down and wrote thescreenplay and I fell in love
(14:25):
with those characters.
Even though Gabby, the maincharacter, is me, I kind of
flipped it.
I didn't put, even though she'sin an abusive relationship it's
not nearly as hard as the onethat I was in.
But I wanted to express theemotions behind it.
But what I really wanted toexpress was to try and answer
(14:46):
the why?
Why did you stay?
Why were you there so long?
You had so many opportunitiesto leave?
I wanted to answer that and so,ironically, balboa Press
actually called me and was likedo you have a book ready?
And I'm like I'll turn thatscreenplay into a novel because
I just love that story andthat's how that happened.
(15:07):
But yeah, I just I guess myfocus has always really been to
explain why we stay, becauseit's really important.
You know, we just went throughthis whole Diddy Cassie trial
and everybody.
She had so many times to leave.
Why did she just and I'msitting there and want to watch
the TV Like you don't understand, you know.
(15:29):
And then let's look at him.
He's got million, billions ofdollars, access, her career, her
, everything Right.
And I've heard that when he'sgood he's great.
So you know, we don't know whatshe's battling on the inside,
but it's just so hard it justcan't walk out.
(15:49):
So I wanted to tell the storyof why we stay, and there's
actually a couple scenes whereshe explains why.
Because this beautiful mancomes in, he's ready to take her
and whisk her off and treat herlike the queen she is, and
she's like no, he's like what,what is wrong with you?
(16:10):
So she has to explain it a fewtimes, you know, and he still
doesn't get it, because theaverage person doesn't get it.
You know but I just want tokeep having that dialogue that
it is not that easy, but ittakes six, seven times before
you can actually walk away.
Mary (16:28):
And that's if you're doing good you know Well, true, true,
and you know, I had a guest notthat long ago that talked about
the financial part of this.
You know, and when we talkabout, you know famous
situations sometimes, or I meanany situation.
If a woman gets into a marriageand she isn't working because
she's raising kids, whatever,how do you leave when you don't
(16:49):
even have a credit card?
Nikki (16:51):
Right.
Mary (16:51):
You know, and I think we don't think about that part of
it Correct.
Nikki (16:54):
That's a whole different dynamic right there, because you
are left powerless in somesenses.
You have no money, and if youdidn't have an education, you
don't, and they're really goodabout stripping you from your
support system.
So you just have this.
Your role is to take care ofthem and the kids, and that's it
.
Here's your allowance andhere's the budget for the house,
(17:16):
and you're getting beat up ortalked to or whatever crazy.
How do you walk out like that?
Right, there is a differentamount of strength to leave, but
it it's hard, you know, becausepeople, people well, why don't?
You don't have any friends, youdon't have anybody.
You know people, just theydon't get it.
It's really a lonely, isolatedplace, you know.
Mary (17:40):
Yeah, and I've heard probably more females say to me
I don't understand why she'sstaying and I almost wonder if
that's because we know on somelevel that could be us someday.
Nikki (17:54):
I wonder.
But then I don't, because Ithink the people that have said
it to me or that I've heard sayit, that I know personally
they're really perplexed.
I would never do it, but youthink you would never stay.
You haven't been faced withthat situation, so God bless you
that you have it and you thinkyou would never stay.
You haven't been faced withthat situation, so God bless you
that you have it and I hope younever are faced with that.
(18:14):
But I just feel like they justreally, because, if I'm honest,
I might've been that person too,had I not experienced it.
If you had told little Nikkithat I'd be in an abusive
relationship, everybody andtheir mother, father, ancestors,
everybody would be like her.
No, not at all.
You couldn't tell me that wouldhappen to me, but it did.
Mary (18:37):
Yeah, yeah.
So I know how powerful writingis because I'm a writer.
So as you went through thisprocess, you wrote your song,
which it sounds like that'sreally closest to your heart is
music, and then you did yourscreenplay and did your book.
Did you find like you hadlayers of healing in that that
you didn't anticipate?
(18:57):
Did those things really helpyou?
Nikki (19:00):
So I'll say this because I hadn't touched the story in a
long time until Balboa reachedout.
So a screenplay is way thinnerthan a book.
You know, I don't have toexplain the sweat dripping down
somebody's face, I don't have toexplain how the breath pattern
is going.
So you know, I had to reallydump a whole lot more into it
(19:23):
and I found that, as I was kindof putting the original stuff in
and adding stuff I was getting,I was feeling those old
sensations again and instead ofgoing, okay, whatever, that's
old, I literally had to sit andgo, okay, what's not healed here
, and because there's residue,residual stuff left over.
(19:47):
So I had to deal with that.
And one of them ironically, theguy and I have been in touch all
these years.
So, yeah, if I told you thewhole connection, your mouth
would fly open, because it'sreally a strange situation,
(20:10):
really a strange situation.
But after doing that andknowing that he's going to read
this book and he's going to knowat some point, this is about
him, loosely about him, but Iwas.
You know, it was kind of likeyou know what, I don't care,
this is my story.
And you never apologized, younever owned up to it, and so
I've never felt like that before, because even when I wrote the
song I was like, well, heprobably won't know what's about
(20:31):
him.
You know, it's kind of like Idon't want him to really know.
But when I did this book I waslike, oh, I hope that.
And here's what's funny I'm onFacebook, we're Facebook friends
, but his stuff never pops up inmy feed.
I don't go on his page.
I haven't liked anything on hisstuff and he hasn't liked
anything on mine in years.
(20:52):
This book came out, I posted iton Facebook.
He pops up his feed, pops up inmy feed all of a sudden and I'm
like that's weird.
And then he had the nerve tolike the book and I'm like
you're dumb, you don't't evenknow do you really believe he
has no idea?
(21:13):
I don't think he does.
I don't think he does, I don't.
I think if he keeps listeningto podcast, if he listens to any
podcast or he really reads thestory, he'll be like, uh-oh, I
better not ever say I know her,because they'll be like, oh,
it's you, but I really, I reallydon't think he's so beyond it,
(21:35):
if you will.
And he's moved on, of course,and he's had a wife, two wives
and kids and all of that.
And you know he's shared withme all his heartbreak through it
, which I find very funny.
But karma's great because thislast marriage he was in, she
literally treated him the way hetreated me, and to hear him
(21:59):
crying on the phone to me aboutthe stuff she did, I couldn't
even say anything because I'mjust like, is this really
happening?
K kudos, karma Cause this.
Now you know, like she justleft him high and dry and just
the tears, and I can't believe.
And I'm just sitting here goingand you still haven't figured
out that everything you'resaying to me is everything that
(22:22):
you've done to me, you know.
So now we got the book out, sohe'll piece it together.
Mary (22:29):
Well, Nikki, were you afraid at any point to put all
this in writing?
Nikki (22:34):
If anything, I'm more afraid now.
Mary (22:36):
Yeah.
Nikki (22:37):
Because this book is getting a little traction.
Yeah, I don't know how that'sgoing to trigger him, because
that relationship was a verylong time ago and we don't know
how people grow.
He moved to another state and Itold you he's had all these
other things happen.
I've had a marriage and anotherchild, two kids.
(22:59):
So I don't know him like that,but I know what he is capable of
, right, he's come after me witha gun before.
So you know, if anything, Ijust got goosebumps.
If anything, it's the now, likeI don't know what that's going
to trigger now, but you knowwhat, at the end of the day,
(23:20):
it's my story and I am allowedto tell it.
You will not shut me up again,ever again.
Gun, no gun, just not.
This is my story, you know so.
Mary (23:30):
Yeah, you know, and I talk all the time about taking up
your space.
And wow, talk about taking upyour space right, but I you know
, I think sometimes we can letthat fear stop us.
But it's very interestingbecause to us it feels very big
and it is big, but but the factthat you're saying like he
doesn't even like connect thedots.
So I think sometimes, you know,other people don't see it in
(23:54):
the way we do and again, it's awork of fiction.
It is not about a person, it'sabout experiences that you've
had and so I think it's just howdo you write and create?
You have to draw from emotion.
So in that case I would say yougot this, you're good.
But I think even just even thatit's sort of I feel like this
(24:18):
push and pull of, like you wantto push through the fear,
because I hear you saying likeyou want other people to read
this and maybe for themselves,somebody they love, but get an
understanding or find that spacefor themselves to say I don't
want to stay where.
Nikki (24:38):
I am right now Correct yeah.
Mary (24:41):
So how would so?
Let's say there's peoplelistening right now and they're
like, yeah, I always think aboutthis.
I know so-and-so was in thisrelationship.
I don't understand Broadstrokes.
How would you explain tosomebody the psychology of a
situation where you get kind ofstuck in a situation that's
abusive?
Nikki (25:00):
I always just use my personal example because it has
happened when I've been incircles where, you know,
especially recently, especiallyrecently, when the whole dating
trial was going on and Cassieand I'd be with people and
they're like that was just sostupid, I don't know why she
stayed like that, like she hasso many times they even broke up
(25:21):
Like why did she go back?
And then I just tell them mystory, my experience.
Look, there's something wrongdown there that we haven't
healed and we're holding on toit.
You know, I'd love to hearCassie's real story as to why
she needed to hold on to this,because I think it's far more
(25:41):
than her career.
Right, I really do, becauseI've been in this industry 30, I
don't want to even say plusyears, and I remember someone
very famous coming to me askingme to be on their casting couch.
I'm 20 something years old, butmy mother had instilled in me
(26:02):
that how special I am.
I was appalled Get a career,dude.
I'm out of here.
It's why you don't know me asan artist like that.
Now you know me because itcould have been a really big
record deal at that moment, butI chose me over my career, you
know.
So it's, it's, it's hard, butyou know.
(26:24):
And even then, though,explaining people, really, if
I'm really honest, a lot of themwon't get it unless it happens
to them or someone they love.
Mary (26:33):
That's very true.
Nikki (26:34):
Because they don't want.
I don't think they want to getinto that, Because if you
understand it that much, youunderstand it could also be you.
Nobody wants to face that.
Mary (26:45):
For real, yeah, and I think when you're in it for a
while, then the shame starts.
You know, because people saythis or we may have I'm sure
there are women that have saidthis.
I don't understand dot, dot,dot and then fast forward.
It's like the movie, where theyfast forward and they're like
in the situation like damn, hereI am, and I think that is part
(27:06):
of it.
Then there's this shame abouthow could I have ever judged?
And now are people going tolook at me and not help me?
Nikki (27:14):
if I ask them Right, right, right, because then
you're going to get how couldyou get yourself in that
situation?
Because I got that you can havesomeone like my dad.
I'm like, well, that's kind ofhow you guys' relationship works
, like I mean, deal with it, youknow it's, it's, it's such a I
(27:34):
don't even know what kind ofsituation it is.
But the bottom line for me is Ireally just want people to
understand, with this book, atleast a little bit of the why, a
little bit of the why.
You know, and like I said when,when all of this was going on
with Diddy and I'm in a room,I'm the only one going no, no,
(27:55):
no, no, no.
She had a reason, like there wasa reason why she stayed, like
cause everybody was like that'sjust so stupid.
She just wanted that money.
And it's like I guarantee youshe didn't just want that money.
I guarantee you it.
She, she would throw that moneyback, and I think she said that
after she got the settlement,like to have my life back, he
could have all this money.
I don't want that.
So it's just, it's a charm harm.
(28:16):
This guy is so charismatic andmaking you feel beautiful one
minute and making you not lookbeautiful the next minute by
blacking your eyes.
So it's just, it's a hardsituation.
Mary (28:30):
Well, and I think you know , in that situation especially,
there were people shocked whenthis came out right, because
they cultivate a celebritypersona.
They have a lot of money toshut down things that aren't so
then you have even more likewhat they did, what so?
I think you know there's thatpart of it too.
(28:50):
But, so there's one thing Iwant to ask you, and this was
one of you.
You did a little questionsuggestions.
Nikki (28:56):
Right.
Mary (28:57):
And I love this one because I want to see how you
answer this.
So, what is choosing yourselfactually look like in real life,
not in theory.
Nikki (29:08):
Choosing myself really meant that I had to walk away
from that relationship, and whatthat meant, what the scary part
of it was, was that I was goingto be by myself doing this
because I didn't have thatsupport system, you know.
(29:30):
But again, I had to sit thereand go why?
And that's when I realized, ok,I didn't have my mama, I didn't
know this place and I clung tohim.
But then, as I kept going inthrough the years because it's a
process Over the years I justkept going back to it.
(29:51):
And then there's the childhoodtrauma, right.
So, as you can see from myfather's answer, I never felt
worthy, I never felt protected,I never felt safe.
And this guy offered that inthe beginning it was something
new, something I had never had.
My father never told me howbeautiful I was.
(30:12):
My father never told me howsmart I was.
This guy was saying all thosethings you know so well, and
I've never seen my dad bring mymom flowers and definitely not
rose petals through to thebedroom, like you understand.
So I had to dissect and go okay, something's broken somewhere
(30:32):
way down in here that I need toheal.
And, at the end of the day,choosing self meant I had to
look in the mirror and tellmyself how beautiful I am and
how worthy and deserving I am.
And, if I'm honest, it wasreally hard to look in the
mirror.
I never thought that could be,but I didn't realize.
(30:56):
I hadn't even looked in themirror in a long time.
So trying to look at it at thispoint was hard.
And then to look at it and sayI'm beautiful, when I've just
been told for seven, eight yearsthat I'm not, that I'm not
worthy, and then I have noanchor from the man that should
have anchored me, telling youthat I had to figure this out
(31:17):
myself.
And then, just like I said, dothat soul surgery and go okay,
you are beautiful.
And I literally had to talkmyself into it, because if you
say something long enough, goodor bad, you're going to start
believing it.
So that's really what I had todo is just keep telling myself
you're awesome, you're beautiful.
And I had to keep.
And it was really sad, if I'mhonest, like I'd get to the
(31:38):
mirror and say that and it justfelt so weird.
And then, you know, I even gotto the point where I was like
give yourself a kiss, tellyourself you love each other,
you love yourself.
And that's hard, because thefirst time I did it it sounds so
silly, right, but it is reallyhard if you're sitting in that
chair to kiss yourself and tellyourself you love you.
(31:59):
It was so weird.
It was so weird but that's whatI had to do to choose me.
And then now I choose me so much, I have such strict boundaries,
it's really hard to orbit mycircle because it's like you
know, I love me so much, I'm inlove with me.
I just and not in the arrogance, it's just like I just, I love
(32:22):
me, I just do.
I think I'm an awesome person,I think I'm a very kind person,
I think I'm a great mom.
Like, yeah, yeah, if you yougot to bring some, you have to
add to me.
If you don't bring anything andyou're just here to take, you
can't come in.
So that's it in a nutshell.
Mary (32:42):
Well, you talked about.
You know things deep down thatwe come from childhood with, and
that's where life gives you themirror.
Oh yeah, look where you are now.
You wouldn't maybe be thiswoman that's taking up this
space and literally using yourvoice because you're?
a singer right and using yourvoice as an author and all of
(33:03):
those things that healed thingsthat you didn't.
I mean, kind of like I said inthe beginning, you didn't really
know the depth of them till youwere in it and then like, oh, I
got to do something to healthis, and you did.
Nikki (33:16):
Yeah, what a journey, though, and it is a journey, but
I also I am thankful for thejourney.
I really am.
It was horrible.
Don't want to do it again.
If God said, will you repeatchapter no, sorry, respectfully
no, respectfully no.
But if I can say one thing, itshaped me, you know, in some
(33:39):
ways, to be this person takingthis space, and I'm grateful for
that, because I now have and Ihave a nonprofit and I have
women that talk to me about thisstuff all the time.
How did you and just to findthat I'm giving someone strength
, even if it's strength just tomake it another second forget
(34:03):
the day, because sometimes youjust need to get through this
moment.
So if I can help someone getthrough a moment, an hour, a day
, a month, whatever it is, I'mthankful.
But I couldn't do it had I nothad that.
Mary (34:18):
Yeah, and it does help women.
I know that from what I hearfrom them from this podcast, the
stories they might not be readyyet for whatever the situation,
because I talk about a lot ofthings, but I think the more you
hear oh, that person made itthrough and that person is okay
I think that gives the nextperson it helps I don't want to
say gives them courage, becausewe all have it.
(34:39):
We just it's buried, we justhave to figure it out.
Nikki (34:43):
Yes.
Mary (34:44):
I'm going to give you a second to tell us where to find
you and all the things you do.
But before you you mentioned amovie.
So if you got a call and theysaid hey, we're going to make
your screenplay into a movie,we'll say that the heroine is
sort of you.
Who would you want to play thatpart?
Nikki (35:00):
Well, I wrote, I am her, I am Gabby and, yeah, it's me.
Mary (35:08):
You would play the part oh yeah, definitely yeah.
Any co-star ideas?
Nikki (35:14):
Absolutely so when I wrote this.
When I write screenplays, Ialways have people in mind,
because that way it gives it abetter voice when I'm writing it
.
So, morris Chestnut, the actorwould be Bobby, the one that
would try to save her life, andTyrese Gibson would be Goff, the
guy that's just not nice to her.
Mary (35:34):
Oh Well, I'm going to put energy out there, because, that
would be fabulous.
Nikki (35:40):
Yes.
Mary (35:41):
To see that happen.
Nikki (35:42):
And then and I did that too because someone said to me
those are two fine men I'm likeexactly, because audiences will
be like how is she going toleave all of this?
You know what I'm saying?
Yep, that's the point.
We want it to be so like yeah,girl, we get you, because he is
the whole deal.
He might want to stay in therea little longer.
(36:03):
I just kind of wanted to usethat to kind of anchor the why.
Mary (36:09):
Yeah, visually, very visually, okay.
Well, thank you so much fortalking to me.
I loved this conversation.
Tell us about all what you doand where people can find you,
and then I'll put it in the shownotes.
Nikki (36:22):
Okay, well, you can find me at officialnickialancom,
that's N-I-K-K-I-A-L-L-E-N and,like I said, I have a nonprofit
called Strikeout, so you'll findout information about what I do
there.
I have a retail store calledthe Empress Company.
You'll find that there.
You'll find my books, thereYou'll find all the movies and
(36:44):
films and commercials I'veworked on there and, of course,
my music.
Mary (36:49):
Yeah Well, you have a beautiful spirit, so again thank
you for sharing your story.
Nikki (36:54):
Thank you so much for having me.
This was great Sure and I wantto thank everyone for listening
story.
Mary (36:56):
Thank you so much for having me.
This was great Sure and I wantto thank everyone for listening.
Please forward this episode toanyone who was on your mind as
you were listening and, ifNikki's message resonated with
you, let this be yourencouragement to take a first
step in standing on your ownpath.
And until next time, go outinto the world and be the
amazing, resilient, vibrantviolet that you are.
(37:22):
Thank you.
Welcome to no Shrinking Violence.
I'm your host, mary Rothwell,licensed therapist and certified
integrative mental healthpractitioner.
I've created a space where wecelebrate the intuition and
power of women who want to breakfree from limiting narratives.
We'll explore all realms ofwellness what it means to take
up space unapologetically, andhow your essential nature is key
(00:28):
to living life on your terms.
It's time to own your space,trust your nature and flourish.
Let's dive in.
Hey, violets, welcome to theshow.
Over the years I've had women ofall ages who've sat in my
office resisting the truth oftheir partner relationships.
The truth includes the factthat things have changed
(00:49):
drastically and not for thebetter.
So often these women want tofunction and feel like their
relationship did in thebeginning the excitement and the
discovery when love bombing wasmistaken for simply love.
Any red flags would have beeneasier to ignore.
Back then, and when the truenature of the partner and the
unhealthy tone of therelationship starts to be more
(01:11):
and more obvious, the focusremains on the past who he or
she because these situationsaren't limited to heterosexual
relationships was in thebeginning.
But the real person, who he orshe is now, is the reality.
Relationships hit the skids foran incalculable number of
reasons.
(01:31):
Sometimes people grow indifferent directions, and
sometimes there's infidelity oreven abuse.
Most often it's something inbetween.
We often choose partners thatmimic patterns of the past or
who we believe deep down willhelp heal something which we may
not even be fully aware of.
But one thing is true, and I'vesaid it a thousand times if
(01:52):
I've said it once just becauseyou love someone doesn't mean
you should be with them.
My guest today knows that storyall too well.
Nikki Allen is the author ofLoved you Hated you, a bold and
emotionally charged novelinspired by real-life heartbreak
.
What began as a song, thenevolved into a screenplay,
became a work of fiction thatexplores betrayal, identity loss
(02:15):
and the power of choosingyourself.
Nikki's here today to talk withus about her story and how it
fueled the creative process, heremotional healing and the
truths that fiction can reveal.
Welcome to no Shrinking Violets, nikki.
Nikki (02:29):
Thank you so much for having me.
I am so excited.
In your intro I'm like yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
all of that, yes, yes, I want totalk about all of it.
Mary (02:39):
It sounded a little familiar, huh.
Nikki (02:41):
Oh gosh, yes, Especially the love bombing versus love.
You know that.
That one was yeah, yeah, andsometimes it's hard to to know
the distinction.
You know what I mean.
Yes, I, growing up, I learnedwell, I call it the.
The people call it thehoneymoon phase.
I go when you're under theanesthesia, right, yes, but they
(03:05):
say, give it six months andyou'll know who that person is.
That's what I've always heard,and truth.
People can't hold on to themask longer than six months
usually.
Mary (03:14):
Right, and I think that's sort of the amount of time it
takes us to maybe recognize thatred flags are real red flags.
Nikki (03:21):
Yes, but we, as women, six months, we're in that
relationship.
Forget the red flags and let'sbe honest, because it's like, oh
, I can deal with that.
Okay, Well, that's kind of cute.
Well, you know, maybe you knowwe skirt around it, but keep
your eyes open for those sixmonths.
Yes, yeah, lay off theanesthesia and pay attention.
Mary (03:45):
Right.
Okay, so I know that your bookis a work of fiction, but could
you start by sharing some of theevents in your own life that
maybe led you to eventuallywrite the novel and I know there
were things that came beforethat too right?
Nikki (03:58):
Right, yeah, so it was a song on my first album and then
a screenplay.
But I was in an abusiverelationship and it wasn't
always physical, but it wasdefinitely always emotional.
And you know, it took a very,very long time to get out of
(04:19):
that relationship and it allcame down to self and I had to
ask myself hard questions likewhoa, why am I allowing this to
happen?
And people that have known mebefore that relationship always
saw me as a strong person.
My dad used to say Nikki, don'ttake no shit.
(04:39):
So how did I end up in thatkind of relationship?
And so it's one.
It's one of those things I callit soul surgery.
You have to just do some soulsurgery, pick up the mirror and
look at that and ask yourselfsome really hard questions.
And so that is really whatstarted the song.
(05:00):
But the song, the lyrics,actually are I loved you, I
hated you, and now I'm releasingyou.
So there's an ending there.
I had to do the release.
So that's kind of the journeybehind the book.
Mary (05:15):
Yeah, and you know you use the word strong and I think
that there are a lot of womenthat end up kind of saying how
the hell did I get here?
Because they're not weak.
It's sort of like you alludedto in the beginning.
It kind of starts slow andironically, I just sent an email
to my email list and I startedwith I thought it was a carnival
(05:36):
, like I saw the red flags- butI thought it was a carnival.
And then you realize this is nota carnival.
So how did you did it?
Did you have some of that alongthe way, like some a
realization, or do you feel likethere was like a flashbulb
moment where you recognized Ineed to get away from this
situation?
Nikki (05:56):
If I'm really going to be honest, brutally honest, all of
that didn't matter in thebeginning.
It wasn't until we put eachother in the hospital that it
was like oh yeah, this probablyis not a good relationship, and
that happened maybe a year ortwo into the relationship.
But what I'll say for me how Iended up in that situation.
(06:22):
I had just lost my mom.
I had just moved to LA.
I didn't know anybody, I didn'thave any family here, I didn't
have any support, and there hewas right.
He was my only support.
So I'm holding onto him fordear life.
Hence, okay, yes, I saw all thesigns.
Hence, okay, yes, I saw all thesigns.
(06:43):
I'm like.
And then I'm new, I'm in my 20s, I'm new at adulthood, I'm new
in LA, I'm trying to navigate.
I'm a grown girl, I'm a biggirl, right, so I can handle
this.
This isn't anything.
But you don't realize, I didn'trealize I was being beat down.
(07:03):
You know all the times my momtold me I was beautiful and I
had this guy telling me I wasn'tworth anything.
You know.
So wait what you know.
And it was, it was.
It was difficult when Irealized, oh my gosh, I'm
latching onto this guy becausehe's the only person I have, you
know.
But I really had myself, andonce I figured that out I was
(07:24):
like, oh, I'm good, I don't needto be here anymore.
But even that is a journey.
It just really is.
But kudos, when you find thatspace where okay, I got to go.
Mary (07:38):
Did you have people in your life that tried to say,
like Nikki, this is not good?
Nikki (07:45):
in your life that tried to say, like Nikki, this is not
good.
Well, here's what's interestingNow.
My parents were married for 30plus years until my mom passed
away.
So I had a father figure in mylife.
But I'll say this my dad wasn'ta great person, and so when I,
when the first time this guy hitme and I called my dad cause
I'm like my dad's six, three andtall he's gonna fly out here
and whip this guy's butt, youknow and I call my dad and he
(08:07):
goes well, that's just what youguys do, you know.
So that didn't help, becausethen it's like a validation.
But my dad was born in 1932.
So, hitting women and degradingwomen and let me be very clear
he never touched my mom.
I've never seen that in ourhousehold.
So that was the other thingthat was shocking.
(08:28):
But I did know his first wife.
They used to fight, so hence,well, that's what you all do.
Then I did have one girlfriendthat you know.
I'm running to her after everysituation and she would give me
the best advice and give me hershoulder to cry on, until one
day she was like you know, nikki, I really don't want to hear
(08:50):
this anymore, because I give youall the advice and you don't
take it, and so you want to stay.
And until you don't want tostay, I don't want to hear about
it.
And I will say I was just likeI wasn't upset with her.
It just kind of, you know, gaveme a little ping like, hmm, you
(09:10):
know, okay, so she doesn't wantto talk about it.
So now I'm stuck with all thismess myself, but that, that's.
Those were the.
Those are the two people in mylife.
You know, I reached out to mydad and he's like, yeah, well,
that what you want to do.
Then I had the one friend like,yeah, I don't talk about this
anymore.
So again, I'm still out on myown island there.
You know what I mean At the endof the day, because I was
(09:32):
getting good advice.
But it's one person, one personthat is not really related to
me.
Like I said, I just moved to LA, so I didn't know her that well
(09:56):
, that wasn't my best friendfrom you know, toddler.
That's like I'm listening towhat she says.
I was like, okay, yeah, I lovehim.
I love him.
He's just so, because when he'teven know that was a thing
charm, harm, but that is exactlywhat it is, it's that charm
that, oh, baby, I'm not going todo it again.
Oh, and then you know we got tostop doing this, we and you,
(10:17):
and they minimize their role,and then, of course, you think
it's all you, yeah.
Mary (10:23):
Yeah, yeah, it becomes so easy for us to, I think, slip
into something where we hearsomeone say something.
And here's the funny thing.
I'm guessing along the way, hetold you positive things about
yourself, right, right, yeah, ohyeah.
And we focus in later on themessages of being unworthy, and
(10:44):
then we kind of I almost feellike we pull it around ourselves
like this blanket and drag itaround.
And how do you shed that?
Nikki (10:54):
Right.
But here's the here's the crazypart.
We're wearing this, I'm notworthy, and and then, and then
they turn around and tell youyou're, you're it, you're the
best thing ever.
It's so confusing and it'sreally it all comes down to.
You're not grounded with you,so you're just kind of being
like, and then you're stillstuck on that I love you and
(11:14):
you're stuck on what he saidthat got you there.
That has been gone a long timeago, probably since the first
day you met him, yeah, or veryearly in a relationship, and
that's the other thing we holdon to that.
You know my guy at that time Iremember we had had a really bad
falling out.
It was around Valentine's Day.
I came home from work.
(11:36):
We didn't live together, but hehad keys to my apartment.
I came home from work by thistime I'm like I'm done, I'm
leaving him.
You know I was ready.
Got home, the hallway leadingto my bedroom had rose petals
all the way down, opened up mybedroom door, balloons, flowers,
teddy bears, and when I tellyou he could write a mean love
(11:58):
card, like you know, you get thehallmark and then he'd add his
stuff and it's like, oh my God,like, how do you leave that
Right?
We want that every day.
So you, we, we're women, we'renurturers.
That's in there, in him, that'swhat we want.
So we got to do what we got todo to keep that guy happy.
(12:20):
You know what I mean, yeah, andso you know it's just it's
really hard.
Mary (12:23):
That's that charm harm, you know.
Yeah, and I think it does makeit hard because people will
often think but I've seen thispart of him and it makes it
easier to say that the unhealthypart is the anomaly, like oh,
that's not, he's having a hardday, or I shouldn't make such a
fuss about things, or you know,it know, it just amazes me.
(12:46):
And that's why I want to alwaysmake sure I talk about the fact
that this doesn't make womenweak.
Nikki (12:52):
There's something.
Mary (12:53):
I mean, and even that feeling of when you opened your
bedroom and you get this sort ofsurge of like that's love
bombing, but it's like a drug,it really in our brain, that
feel good hormone takes overeverything and it's like, oh no,
it is going to be okay.
Nikki (13:10):
Yeah, and then it loops you back into oh, he's back to
what he used to be, or we'regoing back to where we were.
We're going back to what I knew.
This was in there.
I knew he was changing.
I knew, I knew until fiveminutes later.
I knew I knew until fiveminutes later.
You know this isn't enough, why?
You know it will trigger itback to that.
You know, I mean, because,truth be told, I remember that
(13:31):
moment.
I don't know what happened, butit didn't last long.
Yeah, you know, but look what Iremembered out of that, right.
Mary (13:38):
Yes, absolutely, absolutely.
Nikki (13:40):
And it's real.
Mary (13:42):
So I know that, like we said, your book is a novel, so
which you know, that means it'sfiction.
But a lot of times our fictionis based on, you know, themes of
things that we've experienced.
So do you remember the day youdecided I'm going to write a
book about this, and what did itfeel like to start to put all
that into a story?
All those feelings?
Nikki (14:02):
Well, like I said, it was a song first, so those raw
emotions really went into thesong.
But as I was listening to thesong and we had this
conversation about me hearing,when I hear I see like visuals
and I'm like I see this as awhole movie.
So I sat down and wrote thescreenplay and I fell in love
(14:25):
with those characters.
Even though Gabby, the maincharacter, is me, I kind of
flipped it.
I didn't put, even though she'sin an abusive relationship it's
not nearly as hard as the onethat I was in.
But I wanted to express theemotions behind it.
But what I really wanted toexpress was to try and answer
(14:46):
the why?
Why did you stay?
Why were you there so long?
You had so many opportunitiesto leave?
I wanted to answer that and so,ironically, balboa Press
actually called me and was likedo you have a book ready?
And I'm like I'll turn thatscreenplay into a novel because
I just love that story andthat's how that happened.
(15:07):
But yeah, I just I guess myfocus has always really been to
explain why we stay, becauseit's really important.
You know, we just went throughthis whole Diddy Cassie trial
and everybody.
She had so many times to leave.
Why did she just and I'msitting there and want to watch
the TV Like you don't understand, you know.
(15:29):
And then let's look at him.
He's got million, billions ofdollars, access, her career, her
, everything Right.
And I've heard that when he'sgood he's great.
So you know, we don't know whatshe's battling on the inside,
but it's just so hard it justcan't walk out.
(15:49):
So I wanted to tell the storyof why we stay, and there's
actually a couple scenes whereshe explains why.
Because this beautiful mancomes in, he's ready to take her
and whisk her off and treat herlike the queen she is, and
she's like no, he's like what,what is wrong with you?
(16:10):
So she has to explain it a fewtimes, you know, and he still
doesn't get it, because theaverage person doesn't get it.
You know but I just want tokeep having that dialogue that
it is not that easy, but ittakes six, seven times before
you can actually walk away.
Mary (16:28):
And that's if you're doing good you know Well, true, true,
and you know, I had a guest notthat long ago that talked about
the financial part of this.
You know, and when we talkabout, you know famous
situations sometimes, or I meanany situation.
If a woman gets into a marriageand she isn't working because
she's raising kids, whatever,how do you leave when you don't
(16:49):
even have a credit card?
Nikki (16:51):
Right.
Mary (16:51):
You know, and I think we don't think about that part of
it Correct.
Nikki (16:54):
That's a whole different dynamic right there, because you
are left powerless in somesenses.
You have no money, and if youdidn't have an education, you
don't, and they're really goodabout stripping you from your
support system.
So you just have this.
Your role is to take care ofthem and the kids, and that's it
.
Here's your allowance andhere's the budget for the house,
(17:16):
and you're getting beat up ortalked to or whatever crazy.
How do you walk out like that?
Right, there is a differentamount of strength to leave, but
it it's hard, you know, becausepeople, people well, why don't?
You don't have any friends, youdon't have anybody.
You know people, just theydon't get it.
It's really a lonely, isolatedplace, you know.
Mary (17:40):
Yeah, and I've heard probably more females say to me
I don't understand why she'sstaying and I almost wonder if
that's because we know on somelevel that could be us someday.
Nikki (17:54):
I wonder.
But then I don't, because Ithink the people that have said
it to me or that I've heard sayit, that I know personally
they're really perplexed.
I would never do it, but youthink you would never stay.
You haven't been faced withthat situation, so God bless you
that you have it and you thinkyou would never stay.
You haven't been faced withthat situation, so God bless you
that you have it and I hope younever are faced with that.
(18:14):
But I just feel like they justreally, because, if I'm honest,
I might've been that person too,had I not experienced it.
If you had told little Nikkithat I'd be in an abusive
relationship, everybody andtheir mother, father, ancestors,
everybody would be like her.
No, not at all.
You couldn't tell me that wouldhappen to me, but it did.
Mary (18:37):
Yeah, yeah.
So I know how powerful writingis because I'm a writer.
So as you went through thisprocess, you wrote your song,
which it sounds like that'sreally closest to your heart is
music, and then you did yourscreenplay and did your book.
Did you find like you hadlayers of healing in that that
you didn't anticipate?
(18:57):
Did those things really helpyou?
Nikki (19:00):
So I'll say this because I hadn't touched the story in a
long time until Balboa reachedout.
So a screenplay is way thinnerthan a book.
You know, I don't have toexplain the sweat dripping down
somebody's face, I don't have toexplain how the breath pattern
is going.
So you know, I had to reallydump a whole lot more into it
(19:23):
and I found that, as I was kindof putting the original stuff in
and adding stuff I was getting,I was feeling those old
sensations again and instead ofgoing, okay, whatever, that's
old, I literally had to sit andgo, okay, what's not healed here
, and because there's residue,residual stuff left over.
(19:47):
So I had to deal with that.
And one of them ironically, theguy and I have been in touch all
these years.
So, yeah, if I told you thewhole connection, your mouth
would fly open, because it'sreally a strange situation,
(20:10):
really a strange situation.
But after doing that andknowing that he's going to read
this book and he's going to knowat some point, this is about
him, loosely about him, but Iwas.
You know, it was kind of likeyou know what, I don't care,
this is my story.
And you never apologized, younever owned up to it, and so
I've never felt like that before, because even when I wrote the
song I was like, well, heprobably won't know what's about
(20:31):
him.
You know, it's kind of like Idon't want him to really know.
But when I did this book I waslike, oh, I hope that.
And here's what's funny I'm onFacebook, we're Facebook friends
, but his stuff never pops up inmy feed.
I don't go on his page.
I haven't liked anything on hisstuff and he hasn't liked
anything on mine in years.
(20:52):
This book came out, I posted iton Facebook.
He pops up his feed, pops up inmy feed all of a sudden and I'm
like that's weird.
And then he had the nerve tolike the book and I'm like
you're dumb, you don't't evenknow do you really believe he
has no idea?
(21:13):
I don't think he does.
I don't think he does, I don't.
I think if he keeps listeningto podcast, if he listens to any
podcast or he really reads thestory, he'll be like, uh-oh, I
better not ever say I know her,because they'll be like, oh,
it's you, but I really, I reallydon't think he's so beyond it,
(21:35):
if you will.
And he's moved on, of course,and he's had a wife, two wives
and kids and all of that.
And you know he's shared withme all his heartbreak through it
, which I find very funny.
But karma's great because thislast marriage he was in, she
literally treated him the way hetreated me, and to hear him
(21:59):
crying on the phone to me aboutthe stuff she did, I couldn't
even say anything because I'mjust like, is this really
happening?
K kudos, karma Cause this.
Now you know, like she justleft him high and dry and just
the tears, and I can't believe.
And I'm just sitting here goingand you still haven't figured
out that everything you'resaying to me is everything that
(22:22):
you've done to me, you know.
So now we got the book out, sohe'll piece it together.
Mary (22:29):
Well, Nikki, were you afraid at any point to put all
this in writing?
Nikki (22:34):
If anything, I'm more afraid now.
Mary (22:36):
Yeah.
Nikki (22:37):
Because this book is getting a little traction.
Yeah, I don't know how that'sgoing to trigger him, because
that relationship was a verylong time ago and we don't know
how people grow.
He moved to another state and Itold you he's had all these
other things happen.
I've had a marriage and anotherchild, two kids.
(22:59):
So I don't know him like that,but I know what he is capable of
, right, he's come after me witha gun before.
So you know, if anything, Ijust got goosebumps.
If anything, it's the now, likeI don't know what that's going
to trigger now, but you knowwhat, at the end of the day,
(23:20):
it's my story and I am allowedto tell it.
You will not shut me up again,ever again.
Gun, no gun, just not.
This is my story, you know so.
Mary (23:30):
Yeah, you know, and I talk all the time about taking up
your space.
And wow, talk about taking upyour space right, but I you know
, I think sometimes we can letthat fear stop us.
But it's very interestingbecause to us it feels very big
and it is big, but but the factthat you're saying like he
doesn't even like connect thedots.
So I think sometimes, you know,other people don't see it in
(23:54):
the way we do and again, it's awork of fiction.
It is not about a person, it'sabout experiences that you've
had and so I think it's just howdo you write and create?
You have to draw from emotion.
So in that case I would say yougot this, you're good.
But I think even just even thatit's sort of I feel like this
(24:18):
push and pull of, like you wantto push through the fear,
because I hear you saying likeyou want other people to read
this and maybe for themselves,somebody they love, but get an
understanding or find that spacefor themselves to say I don't
want to stay where.
Nikki (24:38):
I am right now Correct yeah.
Mary (24:41):
So how would so?
Let's say there's peoplelistening right now and they're
like, yeah, I always think aboutthis.
I know so-and-so was in thisrelationship.
I don't understand Broadstrokes.
How would you explain tosomebody the psychology of a
situation where you get kind ofstuck in a situation that's
abusive?
Nikki (25:00):
I always just use my personal example because it has
happened when I've been incircles where, you know,
especially recently, especiallyrecently, when the whole dating
trial was going on and Cassieand I'd be with people and
they're like that was just sostupid, I don't know why she
stayed like that, like she hasso many times they even broke up
(25:21):
Like why did she go back?
And then I just tell them mystory, my experience.
Look, there's something wrongdown there that we haven't
healed and we're holding on toit.
You know, I'd love to hearCassie's real story as to why
she needed to hold on to this,because I think it's far more
(25:41):
than her career.
Right, I really do, becauseI've been in this industry 30, I
don't want to even say plusyears, and I remember someone
very famous coming to me askingme to be on their casting couch.
I'm 20 something years old, butmy mother had instilled in me
(26:02):
that how special I am.
I was appalled Get a career,dude.
I'm out of here.
It's why you don't know me asan artist like that.
Now you know me because itcould have been a really big
record deal at that moment, butI chose me over my career, you
know.
So it's, it's, it's hard, butyou know.
(26:24):
And even then, though,explaining people, really, if
I'm really honest, a lot of themwon't get it unless it happens
to them or someone they love.
Mary (26:33):
That's very true.
Nikki (26:34):
Because they don't want.
I don't think they want to getinto that, Because if you
understand it that much, youunderstand it could also be you.
Nobody wants to face that.
Mary (26:45):
For real, yeah, and I think when you're in it for a
while, then the shame starts.
You know, because people saythis or we may have I'm sure
there are women that have saidthis.
I don't understand dot, dot,dot and then fast forward.
It's like the movie, where theyfast forward and they're like
in the situation like damn, hereI am, and I think that is part
(27:06):
of it.
Then there's this shame abouthow could I have ever judged?
And now are people going tolook at me and not help me?
Nikki (27:14):
if I ask them Right, right, right, because then
you're going to get how couldyou get yourself in that
situation?
Because I got that you can havesomeone like my dad.
I'm like, well, that's kind ofhow you guys' relationship works
, like I mean, deal with it, youknow it's, it's, it's such a I
(27:34):
don't even know what kind ofsituation it is.
But the bottom line for me is Ireally just want people to
understand, with this book, atleast a little bit of the why, a
little bit of the why.
You know, and like I said when,when all of this was going on
with Diddy and I'm in a room,I'm the only one going no, no,
(27:55):
no, no, no.
She had a reason, like there wasa reason why she stayed, like
cause everybody was like that'sjust so stupid.
She just wanted that money.
And it's like I guarantee youshe didn't just want that money.
I guarantee you it.
She, she would throw that moneyback, and I think she said that
after she got the settlement,like to have my life back, he
could have all this money.
I don't want that.
So it's just, it's a charm harm.
(28:16):
This guy is so charismatic andmaking you feel beautiful one
minute and making you not lookbeautiful the next minute by
blacking your eyes.
So it's just, it's a hardsituation.
Mary (28:30):
Well, and I think you know , in that situation especially,
there were people shocked whenthis came out right, because
they cultivate a celebritypersona.
They have a lot of money toshut down things that aren't so
then you have even more likewhat they did, what so?
I think you know there's thatpart of it too.
(28:50):
But, so there's one thing Iwant to ask you, and this was
one of you.
You did a little questionsuggestions.
Nikki (28:56):
Right.
Mary (28:57):
And I love this one because I want to see how you
answer this.
So, what is choosing yourselfactually look like in real life,
not in theory.
Nikki (29:08):
Choosing myself really meant that I had to walk away
from that relationship, and whatthat meant, what the scary part
of it was, was that I was goingto be by myself doing this
because I didn't have thatsupport system, you know.
(29:30):
But again, I had to sit thereand go why?
And that's when I realized, ok,I didn't have my mama, I didn't
know this place and I clung tohim.
But then, as I kept going inthrough the years because it's a
process Over the years I justkept going back to it.
(29:51):
And then there's the childhoodtrauma, right.
So, as you can see from myfather's answer, I never felt
worthy, I never felt protected,I never felt safe.
And this guy offered that inthe beginning it was something
new, something I had never had.
My father never told me howbeautiful I was.
(30:12):
My father never told me howsmart I was.
This guy was saying all thosethings you know so well, and
I've never seen my dad bring mymom flowers and definitely not
rose petals through to thebedroom, like you understand.
So I had to dissect and go okay, something's broken somewhere
(30:32):
way down in here that I need toheal.
And, at the end of the day,choosing self meant I had to
look in the mirror and tellmyself how beautiful I am and
how worthy and deserving I am.
And, if I'm honest, it wasreally hard to look in the
mirror.
I never thought that could be,but I didn't realize.
(30:56):
I hadn't even looked in themirror in a long time.
So trying to look at it at thispoint was hard.
And then to look at it and sayI'm beautiful, when I've just
been told for seven, eight yearsthat I'm not, that I'm not
worthy, and then I have noanchor from the man that should
have anchored me, telling youthat I had to figure this out
(31:17):
myself.
And then, just like I said, dothat soul surgery and go okay,
you are beautiful.
And I literally had to talkmyself into it, because if you
say something long enough, goodor bad, you're going to start
believing it.
So that's really what I had todo is just keep telling myself
you're awesome, you're beautiful.
And I had to keep.
And it was really sad, if I'mhonest, like I'd get to the
(31:38):
mirror and say that and it justfelt so weird.
And then, you know, I even gotto the point where I was like
give yourself a kiss, tellyourself you love each other,
you love yourself.
And that's hard, because thefirst time I did it it sounds so
silly, right, but it is reallyhard if you're sitting in that
chair to kiss yourself and tellyourself you love you.
(31:59):
It was so weird.
It was so weird but that's whatI had to do to choose me.
And then now I choose me so much, I have such strict boundaries,
it's really hard to orbit mycircle because it's like you
know, I love me so much, I'm inlove with me.
I just and not in the arrogance, it's just like I just, I love
(32:22):
me, I just do.
I think I'm an awesome person,I think I'm a very kind person,
I think I'm a great mom.
Like, yeah, yeah, if you yougot to bring some, you have to
add to me.
If you don't bring anything andyou're just here to take, you
can't come in.
So that's it in a nutshell.
Mary (32:42):
Well, you talked about.
You know things deep down thatwe come from childhood with, and
that's where life gives you themirror.
Oh yeah, look where you are now.
You wouldn't maybe be thiswoman that's taking up this
space and literally using yourvoice because you're?
a singer right and using yourvoice as an author and all of
(33:03):
those things that healed thingsthat you didn't.
I mean, kind of like I said inthe beginning, you didn't really
know the depth of them till youwere in it and then like, oh, I
got to do something to healthis, and you did.
Nikki (33:16):
Yeah, what a journey, though, and it is a journey, but
I also I am thankful for thejourney.
I really am.
It was horrible.
Don't want to do it again.
If God said, will you repeatchapter no, sorry, respectfully
no, respectfully no.
But if I can say one thing, itshaped me, you know, in some
(33:39):
ways, to be this person takingthis space, and I'm grateful for
that, because I now have and Ihave a nonprofit and I have
women that talk to me about thisstuff all the time.
How did you and just to findthat I'm giving someone strength
, even if it's strength just tomake it another second forget
(34:03):
the day, because sometimes youjust need to get through this
moment.
So if I can help someone getthrough a moment, an hour, a day
, a month, whatever it is, I'mthankful.
But I couldn't do it had I nothad that.
Mary (34:18):
Yeah, and it does help women.
I know that from what I hearfrom them from this podcast, the
stories they might not be readyyet for whatever the situation,
because I talk about a lot ofthings, but I think the more you
hear oh, that person made itthrough and that person is okay
I think that gives the nextperson it helps I don't want to
say gives them courage, becausewe all have it.
(34:39):
We just it's buried, we justhave to figure it out.
Nikki (34:43):
Yes.
Mary (34:44):
I'm going to give you a second to tell us where to find
you and all the things you do.
But before you you mentioned amovie.
So if you got a call and theysaid hey, we're going to make
your screenplay into a movie,we'll say that the heroine is
sort of you.
Who would you want to play thatpart?
Nikki (35:00):
Well, I wrote, I am her, I am Gabby and, yeah, it's me.
Mary (35:08):
You would play the part oh yeah, definitely yeah.
Any co-star ideas?
Nikki (35:14):
Absolutely so when I wrote this.
When I write screenplays, Ialways have people in mind,
because that way it gives it abetter voice when I'm writing it
.
So, morris Chestnut, the actorwould be Bobby, the one that
would try to save her life, andTyrese Gibson would be Goff, the
guy that's just not nice to her.
Mary (35:34):
Oh Well, I'm going to put energy out there, because, that
would be fabulous.
Nikki (35:40):
Yes.
Mary (35:41):
To see that happen.
Nikki (35:42):
And then and I did that too because someone said to me
those are two fine men I'm likeexactly, because audiences will
be like how is she going toleave all of this?
You know what I'm saying?
Yep, that's the point.
We want it to be so like yeah,girl, we get you, because he is
the whole deal.
He might want to stay in therea little longer.
(36:03):
I just kind of wanted to usethat to kind of anchor the why.
Mary (36:09):
Yeah, visually, very visually, okay.
Well, thank you so much fortalking to me.
I loved this conversation.
Tell us about all what you doand where people can find you,
and then I'll put it in the shownotes.
Nikki (36:22):
Okay, well, you can find me at officialnickialancom,
that's N-I-K-K-I-A-L-L-E-N and,like I said, I have a nonprofit
called Strikeout, so you'll findout information about what I do
there.
I have a retail store calledthe Empress Company.
You'll find that there.
You'll find my books, thereYou'll find all the movies and
(36:44):
films and commercials I'veworked on there and, of course,
my music.
Mary (36:49):
Yeah Well, you have a beautiful spirit, so again thank
you for sharing your story.
Nikki (36:54):
Thank you so much for having me.
This was great Sure and I wantto thank everyone for listening
story.
Mary (36:56):
Thank you so much for having me.
This was great Sure and I wantto thank everyone for listening.
Please forward this episode toanyone who was on your mind as
you were listening and, ifNikki's message resonated with
you, let this be yourencouragement to take a first
step in standing on your ownpath.
And until next time, go outinto the world and be the
amazing, resilient, vibrantviolet that you are.
(37:22):
Thank you.
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