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July 17, 2025 60 mins

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Amy Stone champions adults navigating the complex journey of step-parenting by providing practical tools for communication, boundary-setting, and family harmony. As the creator of Step Parent Success School and host of The Art of Imperfect Adulting podcast, she shares her expertise on breaking free from linear life expectations and building meaningful blended family relationships.

• Approximately 1,300 new stepfamilies form every day in the United States
• Almost half of adults will identify as step-parents at some point in their lives
• Happiness is not necessarily tied to specific family structures or traditional paths
• Step-parents should respect previous relationships while building new family connections
• Having clear household standards matters more than who delivers the disciplinary message
• The "words and trees" exercise helps define roles and relationships in blended families
• When faced with "you're not my mom/dad," validate the statement before reframing the issue
• Repair mechanisms are more important than perfection in family relationships
• Communication should focus on curiosity rather than judgment
• The "power pause" helps assess what's really happening before responding

To connect with Amy Stone, visit imperfectadulting.com or stepparentsuccessschool.com, where you can sign up for her email list to learn more about her courses and coaching opportunities.


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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mary (00:05):
Welcome to no Shrinking Violets.
I'm your host, mary Rothwell,licensed therapist and certified
integrative mental healthpractitioner.
I've created a space where wecelebrate the intuition and
power of women who want to breakfree from limiting narratives.
We'll explore all realms ofwellness, what it means to take
up space unapologetically, andhow your essential nature is key

(00:28):
to living life on your terms.
It's time to own your space,trust your nature and flourish.
Let's dive in.
Hey, violets, welcome to theshow.
Before I start, I wanted togive a thank you to Carol Ann
for her fan mail comment.
She said another incredibleepisode.

(00:48):
Thank you for including infoabout how diet, exercise and joy
can help women navigatemenopause and beyond.
That was from episode 22, whereI talked to Jane and Mary Ellen
about all things hormones andmenopause, and for me, hearing
from listeners is like gettingan extra shot in my dirty chai
uplifting and so good.
Okay, so, as some of you knowfrom past shows, I remarried

(01:11):
less than three years ago.
I never had children of my owna story for another day but my
husband has two sons.
Throughout my dating life, Ihad always been hesitant to date
a man with children.
Part of that was due to myexperience working with children
of blended families when I wasa school counselor, and part of
it was simply because I wasn'tsure I wanted the additional

(01:31):
complications that would comewith navigating the myriad of
issues that could includeconflicts with exes, confusion
with parenting roles and theimpact on a growing relationship
of prioritizing children.
I know directly from childrenhow hard it is and I would have
both wanted to ease thattransition but also set
boundaries of my own.

(01:51):
It felt so complicated that Ijust chose not to date men with
children under 18, which formost of my dating life was every
man with children.
I remember when I learned mynow husband had two children, I
was actually excited because,being older now, I wanted to
have children, to connect tochildren that weren't children

(02:12):
because they're both adults, outof college and living on their
own.
Let's just say I simplifiedthings quite a bit in my life
with grown stepchildren fantasy.
What I will say is that mystepsons and I don't love that
word, but we seem to lacksomething better are sensitive,
caring and wonderful men and ourblended family issues were

(02:33):
nothing beyond what is probablytypical in any relationship
adjustment to a new job, a newneighborhood, a new marriage.
So, depending on familydynamics, needs of the children
and whether they themselves willneed to navigate step-siblings
and how stable theirrelationship within the couple
is.
It can be really complex, andblended families are more and

(02:55):
more common.
The Bureau of Statisticsreports that 1,300 new
step-families are formed everyday.
My guest today has lived thisexperience.
She also created Step ParentSuccess School, where she
leverages her knowledge andlived experience to help others
navigating the windy road ofstep parenting.

(03:15):
Amy Stone is an author, coachand creator of the Art of
Imperfect Adulting, where shechampions adults navigating
life's rich complexities.
Perfect Adulting, where shechampions adults navigating
life's rich complexities.
Through her engaginginterview-style podcast and
vibrant online community, sheempowers individuals to embrace
nonlinear life journeys andcontinuous personal growth.
She's a mom, a stepmom and funfact a seven-time Ironman

(03:40):
finisher who bakes sourdoughbread.
Amy combines lived experiencewith practical guidance to
foster authentic personaldevelopment.
Welcome to no Shrinking Violets, Amy.

Amy (03:51):
I'm so happy to be here.
Thank you for having me.

Mary (03:54):
Okay, so one thing that I love about this podcast is
talking to women who have beenthrough so many different things
that actually help them to endup creating a life and impacting
the world in ways they neverimagined or that weren't
necessarily part of their plan.
So can you talk first aboutwhat were some of those

(04:16):
flashbulb moments or like timesin your life that you feel
contributed to not onlydeveloping your own podcast, but
also just the general work thatyou do today?

Amy (04:27):
Oh, what a great question.
So true story I got my firstFCC broadcasting license when I
was in middle school and myfather was in the television
industry and I studiedjournalism.
So the tie for me, like fromAmy, as like a little girl to
Amy who sat down in front of amicrophone, felt very direct.

(04:48):
For me it feels like somethingI've always been doing and at
the same time surprised thedaylights out of many, many
people, like how did you knowhow to do that, like what did
you know how to do?
And so I am a person I haverealized I would not have known
this about myself as a youngster.
But I'm a person that if youdrop me on a desert island all

(05:10):
by myself, I would go and figureout what's going on and write
up a little newsletter andmagazine for all of the coconuts
and abandoned palm trees on theisland.
It's just sort of the way I dothings.
My first podcast was in 2016.
My hobby is Ironman, triathlonand marathon running and I was
like I know all these people whohave these amazing stories.
Let me just tell them.

(05:31):
And round about the thirdepisode, maybe the 10th,
somewhere in there, somebodyactually called me back and they
were like what is the point ofthis podcast?
And I was like I don't evenknow.
And I did that for a couple ofyears and it had a huge audience
, which was crazy, but it didn'thave a focus in terms of a
business and so, after lockdown,I did close that down.

(05:59):
My life story intertwines, as somany of ours do, like our
actual lived experienceeventually becomes some of the
fact that I think that I haverealized that the idea of the
traditional path where we go toschool, we get a degree, we get
an approved job, we get married,we have kids, picket fence, we
raise those kids, we retire andwe care for the grandkids and

(06:21):
those things, automaticallyequal happiness may have been
false advertising in a lot ofways, but also it just may never
have been reality.
It may be the two things may notactually be as created as
linked as many of us felt likethey were, and I think that the
disconnect of that's somethingthat we still feel a lot of

(06:42):
pressure to do.
We internalize it and we thinkthat we've done something wrong
when it's not working versus thereality that I don't actually
know very many people whofollowed that, and so telling
the stories from people who aregoing through experiences of,
hey, yeah, that's not what mylife looked like, and here's
what it did look like, andhere's what it did look like and
here's what I did it fills agap in terms of these are

(07:06):
experiences and not academictexts.
I'm not showing up withsomebody else who is a
traditional expert in terms of aprofessional or things like
that, saying this is how youshould do it.
It's the story of how I did doit and what I experienced.
And that's not to discount howimportant did do it and what I
experienced, and that's not todiscount how important

(07:27):
professionals are.
They're very important.
But it's also very helpful tojust hear people say you know, I
never thought they were goingto fire me and they did and I'm
still standing.

Mary (07:36):
So, yeah.
Yeah, well, and it's reallyinteresting because I spent a
lot of my career working withhigh school and college students
and, of course, more currently.
I mean, I'll tell you, thefirst time I heard the word
adulting, it was my collegestudents using that word and I
think at the time I was like,well, what do you mean?

(08:03):
Like, why is that a concept?
And as I really kind of lookedcloser at what was my experience
growing up, because I am late50s.

Amy (08:08):
Okay, I'm early 50s, I'm 51 .

Mary (08:09):
Okay.
So I think back then webelieved it was more linear.
I think kids now and I say kidsI'm including, you know, even
early 20s, but I think kids nowrealize it's not linear.
They still feel the pressure.
I think think kids now realizeit's not linear.
They still feel the pressure, Ithink.
But you know, even as having abackground in psychology, those

(08:30):
stages of adulthood were verylinear, you know like you you
navigate that adolescence andthen you find your partner and
then you have a career and it'syou know it.
first of all it was predicatedon men, not women, because it
didn't really include, you know,the parenting part in there.
But yeah, so I think that we'restarting to actually recognize

(08:55):
publicly that all of thatlinearness that there's a right
way to become an adult and youhit 18 and all of a sudden you
know how to do everything andit's seamless, is not true.

Amy (09:09):
Not true.
And then when you add in theconcept of enjoyment and
happiness and loving your life,which many people think is a
very American idea, and so youknow that is what it is.
But there's like almost asinking feeling when people feel
like, because there are partsof life that are linear, like
there's a truth to your optionsfor grad school.

(09:31):
Are, you know, determined byhow well you do in undergraduate
school, like when you're withinthat system, that is linear,
right.
The part that's not necessarilytrue is that you have to do
that to be successful, right.
Like we all know people whodropped out of school, who
didn't go to school and aresuccessful, and I think that
part of the illusion has beenwidely discredited, almost too
much.
There's a whole campaign ofpeople who are like.

(09:52):
You know, university is bad andI for one believe that.
You know, I don't need my airconditioning repairman to have
an engineering degree, but I doactually really want my surgeon
to have gone to medical school.
That's sort of where I weigh in, and so there's that.
But when you add in thehappiness, the concept of a
linear path didn't take intoaccount, like you said, it

(10:15):
didn't take into any.
It was a very, very whitewashedmen, you know, professionals,
sort of thing.
But also it completely devaluesthe experience of the moment,
and so that creates thissensation.
I kept hearing the same story,and I hear it more often than I
ever did before, but it was likeI thought that if I did this

(10:36):
then I would be happy.
And this dropping the linearpath is really valuing.
It's like it's not a when I dothis then I'll be happy, it's a
find a path where I'm doingthings that I enjoy enough to be
happy.
You know so sure, sometimesthere are many things where I've
worked really hard and I've gotgrit so that I can get to

(10:59):
something that I want to do andI enjoy it.
But taking a second to evaluate, do I actually enjoy this?
I mean, how many people do youknow, who women specifically who
went to law school only todiscover that they don't like
being a lawyer?
They may have really enjoyedlaw school, but then they go
into being a lawyer and like, ohmy God, what have I done?

(11:20):
You know I don't know what itis about that because I'm not a
lawyer, but I know dozens anddozens of people who are like,
wow, this is not what I wantedto do and I think like a gut
check there is.
Do I want to do this Becausethe linear path ties you in.
It's like I'm committed, Ican't change.

Mary (11:39):
Yeah, yeah, and I would see it too with my college
students.
When they're expected to choosea major when they're 18 and
then get into college and firstof all, often, as you're saying,
your career is nothing likeyour coursework.
Right, but they'll start tolearn more and more about
engineering or accounting orwhatever it might be, and they
think I don't really like this,but I don't want to change now

(12:01):
because I'm going to lose mycredits.
So I think it's thatwillingness to say nothing is a
mistake.
It's a learning experience.
And now you have that, but we,you know, of course you're
paying for credits, and sothat's a whole.
That's a whole thing in itself.

Amy (12:18):
It's a whole thing.
We so I've got four kids in ourfamily, two stepkids and two
kids.
The youngest is going to startcollege in the fall.
So I've been through thatprocess three times.
I've got one who's still inschool.
Kids don't know enough aboutwhat the options are to make

(12:40):
that decision, and the layers ofthat problem are deep and
complicated, right.
So early on I was in someassembly where the guy said if
you ask high school sophomoreswhere they want to go to school,
they all name like the same 10schools.
That's because that's allthey've ever heard of, right?
There are 5,000 colleges in theUnited States, but they'll all

(13:01):
name the same 10.
Most of them are not going togo to any of those schools
because they're highly exclusive, right?
And that's a reflection of that.
If you ask a college freshmanwhat is their job, I bet you
they name one of 20 things.
It's like doctor, nurse,engineer, lawyer.
You know all the main things.
And what's wild is there aremillions and millions of

(13:23):
different jobs and they'rechanging the top jobs I saw.
So now I have somebody who'sinto college.
There's two interesting facts.
One of the tours we did inColorado, the registrar gave a
presentation.
She said they expect for kidsthat are starting college now to
have 30 different jobs in theirlifetime.
That seems like a lot, I'mgoing to say, but that is what

(13:44):
she said.
So that is wild, like that iswhat they're expecting.
And the other thing is that Isaw a graph that was like you
know, jobs that kids in highschool now that they want to
have.
None of those jobs even existed.
You could not be a YouTuberwhen I was studying media in
college.
Youtube wasn't there, it didn'texist.

(14:05):
And so you know it's a reallyinteresting dynamic process and
I do think that university, atleast in the United States, is a
flawed process.
It's a flawed process and I saythat coming.
I'm very happy with the degree Igot and I knew so.

(14:27):
I went to college from 91 to 96.
Right about 95, I knew that thejobs that I thought I was
training for basically didn'texist.
So one of my very first classesin the journalism school, my
professor said Linotype guys,the people who lay out the
little grids for where theletters are in newspapers these
jobs have existed for thousandsof years.
They will always exist.

(14:49):
This industry is never changing.
By 95, they were being laid offby the thousands because the
industry had been digitized andit was like, literally, it was
like the jobs we thought wouldalways be there weren't there
anymore, and that was scary atthe time.
But I graduated already, havinghad that thought process that
the skills that I had were notactually job descriptions.

(15:11):
So being able to write andcraft a message and communicate,
those were the things that Iknew how to do and I could apply
them in a bunch of differentplaces.

Mary (15:21):
Yeah, yeah.
So I'm going to try to takethis and take an off ramp and
bring it around to the topicthat we had planned to talk
about today.

Amy (15:30):
Which was in college.

Mary (15:31):
Which was in college.
But you know, I think what Ican segue with is if you decide
that college is not for youafter you start, there's nothing
wrong with that, you know.
Again, it's information.
If you decide that therelationship you thought was
going to be for your whole lifeand the person you had children
with doesn't last, that's fine.

(15:52):
You need to decide at the timewith who you are now, what works
for you, and we make decisionsbased on what we know at the
time and I truly believe there'sno mistake.
I think it's.
You know, sometimes there's apoor decision, but we always get
information.
So I know you are a step-parentand I know you work with

(16:12):
step-parents.
So, what I would like to startwith is for people who maybe are
just embarking on you knowdating again.
You know'll look at women inmidlife.
Sometimes they're back in thissituation with kids of their own
.
I've talked to guests like thisor even younger people who are

(16:34):
starting to be in a situationwhere they're encountering more
and more and I'll say men,because typically women listen
to this podcast but more andmore potential dates that have
children.

Amy (16:50):
What do you think people should know or consider before
dating a man or woman who haskids.
So there's a lot there.
Right, I was.
So you gave a statistic abouthow many blended families they
say are being created, which Ithought was really interesting.
The data on blended families iscomplicated because we don't
actually ask on the census aboutstep-parents, and so there is
data.
There are people who give it.
A lot of it comes fromorganizations that are like

(17:12):
divorce lawyers, family things,religious organizations,
faith-based organizations, so itis what it is.
One of the data points that Iuse is that they estimate that
four out of ten adults at somepoint in their life will
identify with the termstep-parent.
It's a lot.
The other thing that's reallyinteresting to know is that we
segment adults into parents andnon-parents, as these really

(17:33):
really things, and the majorityof the resources for adults are
designed for parents, which isinteresting when you look at
almost half, like they're theminority.
More than half of the adults inthe population don't actually
ever become a parent, and soit's very close.
So it's distinction without adifference, but it's really
crazy how many resources wecreate for parents and we don't

(17:54):
for adults.
I was extremely naive when Ibegan my journey as a
step-parent and I didn't know it, and I think that that's really
common, I got to admit.
I think that most people arelike it'll be fine, like, even
if you're aware of the historicsocial like stigma of stepmom,
because everybody is the wickedstepmom narrative is so deeply

(18:19):
ingrained in the story ofwomanhood that, even if you
think it's not impacting you, itmight be, it definitely was for
me.
I had an idea's not impactingyou, it might be, it definitely
was for me.
I had an idea that I was likeI'm nice, they're nice.
What could go wrong?
Nothing hugely went wrong, butit was hard.
It's a very intense adjustment,especially if the kids are
little.
Your kids are adults.

(18:39):
The thing that I think thatpeople definitely want to know
is and this has the benefit of25 years of distance I didn't
know any of these things.
The thing I say to people nowthat I didn't realize then is,
as I went through this, as wewere merging these families,

(19:01):
every decision that I made camedown to a singular choice.
I want to be really clear.
I didn't know that this was achoice I was making, but every
single step of the way, I reallyhad a choice about whether or
not I was going to be bringingstress and conflict into the new
family or whether or not I wasgoing to be part of creating
something healthy and dynamic.

(19:22):
Right, that's not always anobvious choice, and conflict and
drama is not always bad Like so, because you can go through
life lying down like a doormatand you're not going to be happy
.
So I'm not saying that, butreally seeing myself as a part
of the equation overall and Ican look back and think about
the things that really made theshift in how we functioned.

(19:45):
Those were times where I eitherspoke up or didn't speak up in
option of being a part of ahealthy environment.
I'll give you an example fromearly on, before I was even
actually a stepmom, my parentswere divorced.
They lived in different states,so I had experience going
between houses and housesexperience going between houses

(20:07):
and houses and my husband andhis ex-wife they did not.
So when I was dating my husband, I did not know either of them.
When they were married I cameinto this relationship.
Before that they had a newparenting agreement with
specific dates and sharing andso on and so forth.
My oldest stepson his birthdayfalls near Mother's Day.
It was supposed to be the guy Iwas dating this weekend and, as
the girlfriend, I piped up andsaid, oh my gosh, don't do that.

(20:30):
Let her have the kids onMother's Day and the birthday.
We all live in the same town,right, it was not a big deal.
And he said back to me, he saidyou have no right to say that.
And I was like that'sabsolutely true.
I, I was nobody Like, I knew Iwas like I mean, I was
completely out of bounds and Iknew it then.
But anyway, he went to hisex-wife and said something like

(20:52):
my girlfriend said I should letyou have the kids for this
weekend because it's thebirthday and it's going to
repeat all the time, and so onand so forth.
And that unknowingly set thetone between me and his ex-wife
that I wasn't going to beconfrontational with her against
her agenda, and that's anexample of what I'm saying.

(21:14):
The other thing that came upyears later was that somebody
else outside the relationshippointed out that I added to the
relationship the reality thattheir terms were negotiable,
going forward, and that theyshould be willing to find a way
to negotiate.
And I think that also came fromthe fact that I had lived it
and because when parents get aseparation agreement, it's what

(21:38):
we call a snapshot.
It's a snapshot of the life atthat time.
Five years in the future, itmight be completely different.
And figuring out ways to workwith each other and move that
forward without involving theentire legal system and your
retirement budget is a helpfulthing yeah, helpful thing.
So that's one of the thingsthat I think that is helpful for
people to know that that is thedecision.

(22:00):
The other thing that I sharewith people a lot is I mean I
offer people that I think youcan be a happy step-parent.
I really do.
I've worked with enough peoplenow to know that there are times
where you're looking at asituation that you don't want to
be a part of and that wasn't mysituation.

(22:20):
But I do, at this time, believethat there are some landmines
in family situations that arereally hard to get over.
And, as a step-parent, there'sa point where you have a choice
right you are choosing to jointhis family.
So if you're looking at asituation where you've got
incarceration, active substanceabuse, serious health issues and

(22:43):
mental health struggles withinthe family and you have not
already bought a house or hadchildren with those people.
You do actually have a choicethere because it can feel like
you're already committed and soI offer that to people, that
that is a choice.
Once you have children withsomebody, you're connected.
You're connected.
Even if you divorce them you'reconnected.
But before that you do actuallyhave a choice, and I did not.

(23:07):
I lucked into the fact thatnone of that was in this family.
I did not research that as muchas I could have.

Mary (23:15):
Yeah, yeah, you bring up some good points, because I
think I'm saying about thatsnapshot you know when a custody
agreement and also I think alot of it depends on where are
the children in theirdevelopment.

Amy (23:28):
Oh 100%.

Mary (23:29):
So if they have to move schools or they're just at a
stage of life that there's a lotadolescence, you know there's a
lot happening.
You know, I think, being awareof what is a, I'll say,
permanent situation when is itsomething like you're talking
about?
That these are not easilysolvable issues.

(23:50):
You don't have control over.
An addiction issue you don'thave control over if there's
something you know with an exthat's a mental health issue
that creates chaos, continualchaos.
Some of that might be.
You know with an ex that's amental health issue that creates
chaos, continual chaos.
Some of that might be.
You know you're looking at myboundaries.
You know I'm willing to sustaina little bit of.
You know saying, okay, I needto prioritize children at

(24:14):
certain points, but do youprioritize your own?
You know your own mental health, your own ability to manage
boundaries.
So I think those are reallygood things to consider.

Amy (24:24):
Really good things to consider and one of the things.
So, when I entered into myblended family, the set advice
that people were giving me myhusband, his ex-wife was to let
the parents parent, and I wasdirectly told by people that I
should just not at all getinvolved.
And when I work withstep-parents and with families,

(24:48):
that is not the way I teach itright.
There are a million things thatshould not involve me, right A
million million things.
But anything that impacts myconditions for living should
include me right, Because Ithink that if you subjugate
yourself and you separateyourself and you design a
framework within a family whereone of the adults is treated as

(25:11):
if they don't get to putfeedback in or they don't get to
participate, you haveinadvertently or perhaps
intentionally, created asecond-class citizen within the
house, and that's a terrible wayto live, and so that's the way
I teach that.

Mary (25:26):
Yeah, yeah.
And I think there are times toowhere sometimes the children
try to leverage that and sobeing able to recognize is my
partner kind of walking thatline between prioritizing our
relationship at certain timesand what the children need at
certain times, and I thinkthat's really hard for the

(25:47):
biological parent to do.

Amy (25:49):
It's very, very hard.
People come to me a lot One ofthe top questions they come to
me.
The people come and they say wehave different parenting styles
.
That's the thing that they say,and I say absolutely, let's
talk about it.
By the way, this is true inevery single family that I've
ever met in my entire life.
It is an illusion that thereare two adults out there that
agree on every single thing thathappens in every single child's
life.

(26:09):
This is my opinion.
If somebody else has data thatdoes not match that, let me know
.
But this is not because you'rea blended family.
That's what I want to offer, inmy opinion.
What I offer is that.
So people will say that theparent should be the
disciplinarian.
I think that that's probablyfactually correct, but what I
will say is that, in practice,if a family agrees very much on

(26:33):
what the house rules are andwhat the overall standards for
how we're going to live togetherare, it doesn't actually matter
who's delivering that message.
The discipline is a bigger deal.
When it's unclear to everysingle, all standards for how
we're going to live together are, it doesn't actually matter
who's delivering that message.
The discipline is a bigger dealwhen it's unclear to every
single person in the house.
And the way I came to that waslisten.
Our kids know that the rulesare different at grandma's house
than they are at our house.
They go to school those peopleare not their parents and

(26:55):
they're instituting disciplineand nobody is questioning them,
right, like not anybody.
But when you walk into thelibrary, the rules are posted
You're supposed to be quiet.
It doesn't matter who's workingin the library.
They point to the sign andthey're like hey, these are the
rules.
And so in a family, the realwork that shows up, in that
people's toes are being steppedon all over the place.
But the real work is in comingtogether.

(27:17):
It's not easy.
The real work is in comingtogether and saying what kind of
family do we want to be and howdo we want to live together and
how do we want to treat eachother?
Because when you don't agree onthose things, or you just don't
talk about it, or people havecompletely different ideas about
how it's supposed to be, thenthere's all this chaos, right?
So, like you've got the kidswho are acting in the ways that

(27:39):
they think they're supposed to,you've got the parents who have
different ideas about what'sokay and what's not, and
nobody's talking to each otherabout it.
And then you've got a stepmomwho's like it's your job to tell
them they can't talk to me likethis.
And everybody's like what areyou talking about?

Mary (27:52):
Yeah, yeah.
So it occurs to me thatsometimes what a I don't know,
even a newer stepmom or doesn'tmatter, I guess, on the age of
the kids, whatever might hear isyou're not my mom, yes, which
is true.
Yes, so if that's thrown outthere, what are some good

(28:14):
responses?

Amy (28:15):
to that.
So my initial response was, asyou heard me say, it's like
that's true, and so there's acouple things there.
The first thing is, if thatstings, it's a good place to do
a check about.
Why does that sting?
Like, what is it about you thatis bothering you when somebody

(28:36):
says that to you?
If a kid from down the blockwalked up and said you're not
your mom, you're like I knowthat and you move on, it's not
something.
So what is it about that personsaying it to you that bothers
you?
What does it signify and whydoes it hurt?
Because that's an internalthing to work on.
This is an unbelievably commonthing.

(28:57):
The second thing I'll say isdon't think that this doesn't
happen when people are actuallybiologically related.
Your own kids say to you allthe time you're not the boss of
me or you don't get to tell mewhat to do.
So the root of this ischallenging.
Do you have the authority tosay that?
So those are the two backgroundthings that I'll offer as, like
a understanding, which doesn'tdo anybody any good in the heat

(29:18):
of the moment.
In the heat of the moment, thetechnique is to validate the
statement, to just really say tothe person like I hear you
saying that I'm not your mom andyou have a mom.
I understand that.
I'm this like state youridentity however people call you
in the family.
I'm dating your dad, I live inthe same house as you, this is
who I am and then reframe theissue at hand outside of that

(29:41):
biological relationship.
So it's like listen, I don'thave to be your mom to tell you
to clean up the milk you spilledon the kitchen, right?
So that's the tool that getsyou out of it.
And seeing it as a controlbattle or an identity thing is
really where this is One of theactivities that I walk through
with blended families that cometo me I call it words and trees,

(30:02):
which is a very, very simpleactivity, which is to sit down
and identify who are the peoplein the family, what are their
titles and what are theirrelationships.
What do I call you?
What do you call me?
Who do I think of you?
Who do you think of me?
Sometimes it's very simple,it's five minutes, everybody's
using the same words.
But where deep, deep conflictsand fights break out in the

(30:28):
first couple of years of blendedfamilies is often when there
are disagreements ormisunderstanding and
miscommunications about this.
If I think of the youngchildren in my family as my
stepkids and they think of me asthat witch who's dating their
dad, that's a mismatch, so wecan talk about that.
The one that is actually alittle more common and harder to
deal with is when you havepeople outside of where you're

(30:50):
living, so you have an ex or amother-in-law or an aunt or a
sister or a friend who isfeeding in titles and
designations that are notfavorable or unkind and you
can't actually control those.
So then the exercise becomes Iknow this person is saying these
horrible things about me, whatdo I want to feel about it and
how do I want to address it?

Mary (31:11):
Yeah.

Amy (31:12):
That's a hard situation.
I will say that that's a hardsituation, yeah.

Mary (31:16):
Yeah, so yeah, I think sometimes when there's a loss,
like I don't want to loseanother person, so I'm going to

(31:46):
parrot what they're saying, orI'm going to believe that when
they say this woman, as you'resaying, is a witch that I don't
want to look like, I like her,and sometimes I think kids do
respond.
You know, internally they mightstart to lean into it.
Like you know, this personisn't so bad.
But I think when they'rehearing something else from
someone who they've known theirwhole lives, it can be such a
conflict for them to navigate.

Amy (32:07):
Yeah, there are a couple of things that I've learned about
this, right.
One thing that I think worksreally well with this is that
and I think that a lot of times,communication between the
family helps a lot, because ifyou don't talk about the titles
that you want to use, it createsa gap where kids specifically
but really anybody will fill itin with whatever they think or

(32:28):
what they pick up from otherplaces, right, and that's not
just true for titles in thefamily, it's also true for other
sort of things.
If you don't talk to your kidsabout news, they are more likely
to pick up things from schoolthan rumor and friends.
If you don't talk to them aboutthe birds and the bees, they'll
find out from their friends orYouTube, right.
So that is one thing.
That is like defining it anddeclaring it.

(32:51):
Naming it and claiming it, aswe would say, is very helpful,
because it gives especiallyyoung kids, but also adults,
something to rely on, right,it's structure.
The other thing that is oftenmore complicated is the reality
of the loyalty bond, which isthat kids do tend to feel very
loyal to their biologicalparents, and the loyalty bond is

(33:11):
something that I'm not youprobably know much, actually
more about it than I do but itbreaks all of the things Like.
It exists when people are nolonger alive.
It exists when they're notaround.
It exists when they've neveractually known these people,
somebody who's never even beenin their lives.
They can have a sense ofloyalty, but there are tools to
live with somebody and develop astrong relationship with

(33:34):
respect to the original bonds.
So the teaching technique thatI use for people who are
entering the family is torespect and honor every single
previous relationship and thenwork on creating the new family
construct that includes you,right.
So really reassuring people andthe experts in this in my

(33:54):
experience are people who doadoption and foster kinship
relationships Really reallyhonoring with the kid and
letting them know that not onlydo you understand that they have
a relationship with this otherperson, but it's your job as an
adult in the family to help themprotect it and keep it, because
you're another adult in theirlife.
So then you become an ally andyou can do that if that other

(34:18):
person hates you.
It's like listen, I know thatyou love your mom and I know
that she thinks that I am thedevil incarnate and I am not
going to put you in a positionto harm your relationship with
this other person that you love.
Right, and that can be reallyhard.
This is things like I workedwith a family where the ex did

(34:41):
not want the step parents athigh school graduation and this
poor kid was in a spot whereit's like I want my mom to be at
my graduation, but then shesays this other person can't
have.
And this is one of those thingswhere you said prioritizing the
children.
I think it's the greatest giftthat adults can do to give

(35:02):
priority to the experience ofthe kids in a family.
To be a kid it's not alwayseasy and this, no, you shouldn't
have to opt out of somethinglike a graduation.
But if you can put yourself inthe mindset where you say,
listen, this is your life, thechild, and this is your
experience, and I, because Ilove you, will take a step back.

(35:23):
And just so that people don'tthink that I am just spouting
about things that I have noknowledge of, one of our kids
graduated during lockdown from aschool and it was after
lockdown, but it was like therewere only two tickets to this
graduation for this kid andthere are all these grandparents
and all these adults and allthese things in this family,

(35:44):
right, and here is this kid andhe's so stressed out and he's
like this is this huge thingthat everybody's supposed to
happen.
And I was like, and he'stalking to me and I'm like this
is not even a question.
I'm sorry, this is not even aquestion.
Your parents go the rest of uswatch on Zoom.
I was like this is yourgraduation, they are your
parents.
I am happy to take a step backbecause this is your experience.

(36:07):
Would I have loved to have beenin person and seen him graduate.
Yes, did I actually watch it onZoom?
No, the feed didn't work and ifhe listens to this, he'll know
that I wasn't, but it justdidn't work.
I logged in.
It was like, if he listens tothis, he'll know that I wasn't,
but it just didn't work.
Like, I logged in and it waslike no, and I never told him,
because that also is hisexperience, but that's you know.
I mean, it's not what I wanted,but it's what he needed.

Mary (36:30):
Yeah, and I think, remembering that when those
things come up, it isn't aboutyou.

Amy (36:35):
It isn't about us.

Mary (36:41):
It's about whatever issue is, you know, with that person
that's saying it.
There's an issue there, and soI think, being able to take a
breath, just like when you saidyou're not my mom, that's not
about you, there's way other,more complex emotional things
being navigated, yes, yes.
So I think also we've talked alot about exes, but I think when
a blended family happensbecause a parent died, that

(37:05):
seems to me to have a wholeother load of charged emotional
things that assist with it, andI think we can tend to think, oh
, it's easier because you're notdealing with the ex, it's not,
it's not, it's quite theopposite.
It's so complex and oh, it'snot.

Amy (37:19):
It's not.
It's quite the opposite.
It's so complex and, yeah, it'sreally hard.
It's really really hard.
It's not something that I havepersonal experience with living.
It's definitely something thatI have personal experience with
helping people walk through in avariety of ways.
It's an interesting thingbecause the role of step-parent
right is is vilified in almostevery situation, including that

(37:42):
one, which is crazy.
But but that is also.
There's like sort of a herocomplex that comes for people
who step into a family after adeath, specifically men who step
into a family after the deathof a person.
They step in as fathers.
They are like honored on like apedestal.
It's really interesting, andwomen will often be spoken.
They are like honored on like apedestal.
It's really interesting, andwomen will often be spoken of

(38:04):
more favorably, like as they'redoing virtuous work, they're
raising these kids after they're, so on and so forth.
It's a level of emotion that istied to it.
The relationship between thechildren and their parent does
not stop when they die.
It's just frozen in time, andoften their relationship becomes
colored by memory is what I'llsay.

(38:24):
You know more about that than Ido, but we remember the people
who are no longer with usthrough the lens of how we want
them to have been sometimes, andthat can be tough for the
people who are living through itafterwards.
Additionally, the people whoare thereafter, so the stepmom
or the stepdad who come into thesituation they have like an

(38:46):
obligation to honor and protectthat relationship for somebody
who they may not have known.
Yes, and it's reallycomplicated and the kids don't
have any tools to deal withtheir love of that.
The person is still there Afterthe parent dies.
We still light candles for themat weddings, we mention them at
events.
They aren't.
People have different ways ofincluding them in their lives,

(39:08):
but it is a false idea that thatperson will not be an impact in
your life as you move forward.
And one of the things that Ithink is so interesting about
that is that many, many yearsago, I did a survey of all the
people who were on my email listand I was like, hey, if you had
a magic wand, what would be theone thing that you would do to
change your life?
And almost all of them cameback and were like the ex would

(39:30):
not exist or the children wouldnot exist, and I was like, whoa,
that is really wild, becausethat's the one thing that you
can't do.
It's not on the table as anoption, and so I thought that
was really sad.
But the other things, I waslike that is weird because it
doesn't actually change.
You don't realize that you'restill going to be living through
it, even if that person is notthere, and that is a thing that

(39:55):
I think is helpful as a solvingtool as you move through what
you're going to do with your ownlife.
So there's a module in the StepParent Success School, which I
call it to stay or go, where Igive people resources of
deciding if they want to stay inthe relationship or leave.
None of them are mine.
There are things that otherpeople did their books and
resources and worksheets to helpyou make that decision, but

(40:19):
once you have kids with somebody, there are many ways that
you're connected to that person,and so divorce doesn't solve
some of those problems, right?
That's also true with death.
Death doesn't change some ofthose things, right?
It doesn't change some of thosethings, and so thinking about
whether or not the separation orhow the separation actually
changes your day-to-day life issignificant, because people get

(40:40):
stressed out and overwhelmed andoverstimulated and they think,
oh, the obvious solution here isleaving and creating this
separation, but in a lot of wayssometimes that doesn't actually
always solve the problem.
It adds complexity in terms ofmore houses and more legal
agreements and more expenses,but it may not actually solve

(41:00):
some of the problems.

Mary (41:01):
Yeah Well, and you bring up a good point when a parent
dies, that that relationship isfrozen in time, and I think that
is just our human nature.
You go to a funeral.
You don't hear people talkingabout the worst memories they
have, and even if a kid had alot of conflict with a parent
that has died, that isn'tnecessarily than if the parent

(41:25):
is still alive.
Typically, I think, kids seeconflict when parents divorce.
Typically the kids are awarethat there's something up.
They realize there's a conflictIf a parent dies and what the

(41:50):
kid has seen is a connected,loving relationship and all of a
sudden their mom or dad is goneand then the remaining parent
now brings somebody else in.
That is a way different field,emotional field for children to
navigate.

Amy (42:07):
Yeah, and when we think about this, we always think
about the young kids, right?
So the good news in this isthat folks who are therapists
and counselors and religiousadvisors and all kinds of things
like that they have a lot ofexperience in grief.
There are a lot of people tohelp you walk through it.
There's a lot of situations inlife that that's not true, but
grief is one of the things whereif you, once you raise your
hand, you say, hey, grief, thereare people who can give you

(42:28):
tools to walk through.
That Children tend to should.
We're happy.
But the better situation iswhen the children outlive the
parents.
Right, that's what we want tohappen.
The harder situation is whenthe parents outlive the children
, I think.
But this also happens foradults.
So one of my favorite stories totalk about this is, way before

(42:48):
I was coaching step-parents, afriend of mine's father
remarried.
Right, he's in his 50s.
He has a complete relationshipwith his mother.
Right, they were married, shelived, she got sick, she died,
all of these things.
Time goes on.
His father remarries, theyspend the holidays together,

(43:09):
they come back, he and I arehaving a conversation.
All that's happening in themoment in my situation here is
that my friend is trying to tellme what he did over vacation,
what did you do over theholidays, and he's stumbling
over the words to describe thepeople in his new family and he
says, ah, is she my stepmom?
Do I have to call this woman mystepmom?
Like, who is she?
And I'm laughing because it ishard, right, and I just said I

(43:35):
just said I said, listen, you'rean adult.
I don't know that you'reactually in the market for a new
mom, but you can call herwhatever you want.
Maybe you could.
Maybe here's a controversialidea Maybe you talk to your dad
and his new wife about what theywant you to call her, like,
what you just have theconversation.
But the idea that this is achildren's only issue is is

(43:55):
probably incomplete.
In fact, the bigger incompleteissue that I think that we tend
to neglect is the idea that thisis actually a changing identity
at several different stages.
Like it's like not just when wethink about it when a new
person joins the family as astep-parent, but having these
conversations of like who's inour family, how do we work
together, what do we call eachother?
That probably happens atseveral different times.

(44:17):
When you add a new baby.
That one happens automatically.
When children transition intoteenagers and the adults are
like, oh my God, who are thesealiens in our house?
That's a time to have thatdiscussion.
When your children get marriedand you have new people, that's
a time to have that discussion.
Absolutely All of those timesare places when that happens,

(44:40):
and releasing that idea thatthere is one singular path or
one guaranteed way that this isgoing to happen is helpful,
because when something goesagainst the idea of the plan,
we're so quick to internalizethat this is because I've done
something wrong.
My son got a divorce because Iwasn't a good enough parent.
I married someone who wasdivorced because I'm not a good

(45:01):
enough person.
My stepkids don't like mebecause I'm not good enough or
funny enough.
None of that is true.
None of that is necessarilytrue.
I mean, maybe it is, maybeyou're a jerk, I don't know.
But the better, easier way tofind self-fulfillment in my
experience, like what itrequired for me in terms of
happiness, was releasing theidea that the only way to be

(45:22):
happy was if a family looked acertain way, and so the idea
that I give people is that yourhappiness as an individual is
not actually as connected to theconstruction of your family, as
you might think it is.

Mary (45:35):
Ooh, I like that.
It's very empowering.
It's very empowering, thank you.
Yeah, you bring up too.
A couple of times you've talkedabout communication and that's
one of the hardest things forpeople to do, because I think we
first of all it's kind of like,well, maybe it'll get better, I
don't need to say anything,maybe it'll get better, let's
just like see how it goes.
But I think for me and whatI've learned, you know, working

(45:57):
with clients is when you startto feel something, if you have
in your mind this question, thatstarts, I wonder, dot, dot dot.
That's the time to start tospeak up.
Adult stepchildren or whateveryou know you're calling them, I
think, having the conversationof you know how's it feel when I

(46:25):
ask you questions about yourmom, just putting it out there
or noticing that one person mayhave a much more difficult time
allowing you to be more part ofa family than another might.
And that doesn't mean againthat it's your fault or
something's wrong with you oryou're doing something wrong.
I think what you're saying isrecognize what's happening and

(46:45):
most of it is not about you andhow do you find those times to
connect?
What makes you, what brings youmoments of joy?
And recognizing.
What script do I have in myhead right now?
Because it's probably a falsenarrative.
And there are a lot ofbeautiful, rich things about
blending a family.
I think it can be a reallybeautiful thing, but I think it

(47:06):
takes some.
It takes skill and sometimesyou need help to navigate it.

Amy (47:11):
A hundred percent and communication communication is
hard for everybody.
A sad part about that is thatwe don't train each other for
interpersonal communication.
We train each other foracademic communication and that
is a conditional relationshipwhere the person that you're
talking to is going to score andevaluate how you perform.
So when we go into our adultrelationships and we are having

(47:33):
conversations with our partnerswith that same framework that my
role in this conversation is todemonstrate that I'm smart
enough to be here and be judgedby you.
That's almost always a fightand that is the way the majority
of people communicate withtheir partners, which is crazy.
But anyway, the Buddhist methodis hard.

(47:57):
Many Buddhists set a very highbar for this, so I don't
represent that it's easy, but isthe idea that you're accepting
of the things that are happeningaround you, which is what
you're saying like look aroundand become an observer of what's
actually happening, and thenthe part where this comes into
communication that I think isreally actually helpful is
trying to be curious, right?
So when you have that inklingof like, I wonder that's a

(48:20):
really powerful place to be andyou may.
It may lead to a conversationor it may just lead to a moment
of pause and I call this, youknow, the power pause which is
where you stop and you're likewhat is going on?
And I think that that should,in most cases, precede any

(48:40):
conversation.
What is actually happeningright now?
You and I are having aconversation, right?
And then the other power toolthat I'll offer to your audience
which this comes from highconflict resolution which is you
don't want to sandbag peoplewith any sort of conversation.
When you and I set up thisinterview, we were like hey,
what time?
What are we going to do?
Right?
So, even when things are goingon, just the very, very power

(49:05):
tool is to say hey, listen, Iwould love to have a
conversation and be honest aboutwhat it is.
I would love to have aconversation about porn, just to
throw something there that ishighly confrontational.
I would love to have aconversation about porn, just to
throw something there that is,like, highly confrontational.
I would love to have aconversation about illegal drug
use Input most, I mean, it's notusually going to be about that
what we eat for breakfast,whatever it is right.

(49:25):
And then say when is a goodtime to talk about that?
Right, not now, but when is agood time to talk about it.
Sometimes they're going to comeback to you and be like let's
talk about it now, okay, but theidea is it's not an attack,
it's like I want to invite youto this conversation, and that
is a very, very good tool inreducing the conflict, because
it gives the other person achance to prepare for the

(49:47):
conversation.
I learned this, by the way, fromelementary school teachers who
were like do not stop me in thehallway and ask me something
under demand.
And I was like, oh my gosh, butthere's layers of it, because
you're getting consent from them, you're giving them a chance to
do it, you're putting the topicon the table.
So there's other tools likethat.
But when people are like, Idon't know how to talk, I don't

(50:09):
know how to do this, you knowit's like.
You know people go throughentire conversations, entire
conversations in their head withother people that they won't
have, because the scenario thatthey play out in their head is
so inflammatory that they'relike, oh, I can't possibly have
it.
And the reality is that some ofthe time not all the time if
you actually started thatconversation, what would happen

(50:30):
is you would be like, oh my gosh, that's not at all what I was
doing and you would realign andget on the same page and so
setting up.
That is why I have that as astarting point, and the other
power tool is to only ever talkabout one thing at one time,
which is much harder.

Mary (50:45):
Yeah, those are very good tips and so I think, with that
curiosity too, sometimes westart something and when it
doesn't work, we just bear downand we try harder, and I think,
sometimes leaning back and doingexactly what you're saying just
take a breath, look at thesituation, be curious about it.
And I would also say, whenyou're entering into something

(51:08):
that you think is going to beconflicted, a conversation that
you're worried about, the firstthing I always say is talk about
what's really happening.
Say, I'm nervous to approachthis, but I think it's important
I want us to talk about, likeyou're saying.
So I think it's fine toacknowledge you don't have to
act like you're not worriedabout it or you're not nervous
to bring it up.
I think the other person isprobably feeling the same way.

Amy (51:32):
They could be.
Yeah, so you're a therapist andyou do this.
I will say I'll throw in someself-depreciating stories so
that the listening audiencedoesn't feel like they're alone
in this.
I was taught to use Istatements in conflict.
Right, I got that wrong untilsomebody corrected me.
I was saying things like Ithink your kids are misbehaving,
I think your kids should havebetter manners.

(51:53):
The therapist was like that'snot what we mean, amy.
That's not what we mean, amy,that's not what we mean.
And so I got that wrong.
And it is supposed to be whatyou were talking about.
This is how I am feeling.
This is how I am experiencing.
It's really sharing what you'regoing through.
The other thing that peopleteach which I think is
absolutely good is to try andtalk about the actual problem

(52:14):
and not the situation thatyou're in.
That is very hard for a lot ofpeople to do, because we're
talking about things that are.
There's a lot of emotion,there's a lot on the table,
things feel very important andoften in families, these things
feel like they're high stakes.
If I don't get involved,everything is going to fall
apart, bridges burning, familiesdestroyed, right.

(52:34):
That is a time I will tell youwhere a third party, a neutral
party, can be unbelievablyhelpful.
That is a person who comes inand is like, yeah, why does this
bother you?
Like, why is this discussionimportant?
It's not that you can't do thaton your own People can do it
but it is when somebody is veryhelpful.

(52:57):
Like this is one of the storiesI tell like a million times.
I worked with a client who therewas a conflict over breakfast
potatoes.
An adult kid ate the breakfastpotatoes that were for the dad
and the stepmom was like youneed to move out.
I mean, she was enraged.
She was enraged for weeks andpeople kept telling her how

(53:17):
could you be so upset about thepotatoes?
How could you be so upset aboutthe potatoes?
She was so fixated on thepotatoes that she couldn't move
past it.
And then, when we workedtogether, it took a long time
for her to be willing and readyand able to uncover what it was
about the potato episode thatwas really bothering her.
And you know people are likeyou shouldn't be so upset about

(53:37):
potatoes.
But that's, I think, a falsenarrative, because I think that
we can all think of scenarios inour life where we are enraged
by teeny, tiny things Enraged,you know, and it's hard to shift
off of those.
It's like, no, this shouldn'thave happened and you should
have known, and it should bebetter.
And the wound is real, and theanger is real, and the

(53:58):
experience is real, and sosometimes I guess what I'm
saying is don't be so hard onyourself.

Mary (54:06):
if this is hard, it's hard for people who have training.

Amy (54:08):
It's hard for people who have training.
You might think that it is thepotatoes and it might be six
months later.
You're like God, it wasn't thepotatoes.

Mary (54:16):
Right, it was the interpretation of the potatoes.

Amy (54:19):
Or like, or the, the, the over the months and months and
years and years, of being in aposition where you're providing
and taking the load on for afamily that has built up, and
then some accidental thing tipsyou over and you explode Right,
and that's the reality of livingtogether with people.
Families are complex.
Living with people is hard, andso honoring the fact that it's

(54:40):
not easy and giving yourselfpermission to do that is really
good.
One of the great things aboutfamily relationship research is
the work of the Gottmans andtheir marriage lab from years
and years ago, and they havethat great thing that they found
, which was the thing to lookfor is the repair, when people
are coming back and repairing,and what's so amazing about that

(55:02):
is that if you believe that andyou choose to think about that,
you are honoring the fact thatyou're going to make mistakes,
and that's true with ourpartners, with our kids, our
stepkids, our grandkids.
Adults worry so much about beingperfect in front of their kids,
but it is the greatest examplefor the children in our lives
when we walk up and we're likeyou know what?
I messed this up and I'm goingto be honest about it.

(55:25):
I didn't handle it the way Iwould have liked to have handled
it and I would like to comeback and put this back on the
table and let's talk about it.
And you're being an example ofthem of an adult not being
perfect, because most of us havethis false narrative in our
head that adults know whatthey're doing and newsflash we
don't.

Mary (55:45):
Right.
I mean, sometimes we do.
I've got.
I was hard on that, or I was.
I need to go back.
And so, to give a quick context,gottman, g-o-t-t-m-a-n.
They, it's a husband and wifeteam and they've done a lot of

(56:05):
research, a lot on marriage andsome on family.
So when you talk about a repair, it's when there's a little
fracture or a conflict and youor the other person in the
relationship turns back towardyou to make a bid, make a bid of
like they try to make it better, being open to that.
Or, if you need more time,saying I hear you, I'm not quite

(56:28):
ready, you know.
And again, when you're thereceiver, it's okay to say I'm
not ready to talk about thisright now, but how about in two
days?
Or let's go out for coffee.
If it's an older you know it'syour partner or an older child,
how about if we grab a coffee ina couple of days and we can
talk, or whatever it is, it'sokay to be empowered that if you
feel knocked back on your heelsor you feel like I'm just not

(56:52):
ready, I have too much emotionin front of this.
I need some think time.
It's fine to say that too.

Amy (56:59):
Yeah, and I, in my experience, these things are.
These nuggets are little miniscripts that you write inside a
family and you replay them overand over again.
You teach them to each other.
So this is like the agreementyou have with your partner about
how you're going to handle whenyou walk into a room and you
don't know the other person'sname.
Like most people have thatagreement with the person that
they socialize with.

(57:20):
It's like, hey, if I walk up andsay this to you, then your line
is this so that we can figureout who we're talking to, you
can have five or six of thosefor conflict.
It's like when you feeloverwhelmed.
It's like giving people ascript, and the same thing works

(57:40):
for how to start a conversation.
Like you give yourself a scriptand you practice it, you get
used to it.
Then you can just roll it outin the moment.
And so in our house I have onefor stopping a conflict.
Like if somebody is coming at meand I feel overwhelmed, I'm
like, hey, I'm backing up.
Like this is like I need aminute.
I'm feeling overwhelmed, butyou're going to design that
based on who you are and whatworks in your own family and

(58:03):
they don't always work, but theywork a lot of the time.
And then the other thing is howto initiate the repair, because
not everybody is ready andwilling to walk in and say I'm
sorry, I apologize for the way Ibehaved before, especially if
you feel like you were attackedand you were not in the wrong.
So, having scripts that aremore like I'm feeling like we're

(58:25):
walking on eggshells, can weset a time to spend some time
together and rehash thisconversation, something like
that?

Mary (58:32):
Well, Amy, you have given so many amazing little nuggets
and tidbits to actually apply,and that's one of the things I
love.
I want people to leave afterlistening to an episode with
things that they can actually donot sort of this lofty, just
talking about this idea ofblended family.
So this has been really amazing.
So where can people find youand your podcast?

Amy (58:56):
All right.
So my name is Amy Stone and thename of my podcast is the Art
of Imperfect Adulting.
It is available on all themajor podcast players and
YouTube.
There is a website that has allof the information
imperfectadultingcom.
If you are a part of a blendedfamily, thinking about being a
part of a blended family or hownot to be a part of a blended
family, Step Parents SuccessSchool is its own website, and

(59:18):
that's where you can find how toget that course and also if you
want to work with me directly.
That information is in theretoo.
So that's the world's longestdomain
stepparentssuccessschoolcom.
And there's three S's in a rowin the middle of that, which is
probably a mistake in planning,but that's the way it is.
So all of those places and I'mon social media and all of the

(59:42):
things, but if you sign up toany of my email lists, then I
begin to tell you about what I'mdoing and how to connect with
me and how to reach me, andthat's the easiest way to start
a conversation with me.

Mary (59:53):
Okay, and, of course, I will have links to both of those
websites in the show notes, sono need to quickly try to write
it down.
You'll have it in the shownotes.
So, amy, thank you so much forbeing here today.
I really appreciate it.

Amy (01:00:06):
Thank you very much, mary, it was a pleasure.

Mary (01:00:08):
And I want to thank all of you for listening.
If you have thoughts on today'sshow, please comment or use the
link in the show notes to textme, and if you'd like to join my
email community and get myweekly musings on how nature and
my garden give me lessons aboutlife, click the link in the
show notes to sign up.
And until next time, go outinto the world and be the
amazing, resilient, vibrantviolet that you are.

(01:00:29):
Thank you.
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