October 30, 2025 • 49 mins
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What happens when your entire identity is built around taking care of others? For Adaku Mbagwu, the journey from family provider to self-discovery required hitting rock bottom before she could rebuild her life on her own terms.
Born in Nigeria and moving to London at age six, Adaku witnessed her family's financial collapse firsthand. The moment she saw her mother with rain seeping through holes in her shoes became the catalyst for assuming a parentified role at just eight years old. As she explains, "I signed away my childhood" that day, beginning a pattern of over-functioning that would follow her into adulthood.
The cultural expectations placed on firstborn daughters only reinforced this dynamic. In Nigerian tradition, firstborn daughters are given names beginning with "Ada," marking them for a lifetime of responsibility. Even when battling depression, Adaku recalls her grandmother's unhelpful advice: "Just pray, because your mom needs you." The message was clear – her worth was measured by what she could provide for others.
This pattern led Adaku to build a seven-figure recruitment business, driven entirely by external motivation to support her family. Yet success brought no fulfillment. After a suicide attempt at 25, she began questioning the beliefs that had shaped her life. The breakthrough came when her coach repeatedly asked, "Who told you you had to do that?" – helping her recognize her own agency in creating these dynamics. "I've trained them to expect this from me," she realized, "and if I've shown up this way, I can show up differently."
Her healing journey included walking away from her successful business, embarking on a meditation retreat in India, and learning the uncomfortable skill of receiving help. Today, as founder of Healed Hero, she guides other high-performing firstborn daughters through breaking free from limiting patterns so they can finally experience what it feels like to be held, seen, and at peace.
Ready to stop carrying everyone else and start living for yourself?
You can find Adaku HERE or visit healedhero.com to learn how you can break the firstborn daughter cycle and reclaim your life.
Sign up for the launch team for my book, Nature Knows, and get free insider news and surprises at https://maryrothwell.net/natureknows
Comments about this episode? Suggestions for a future episode? Wanna be a guest? Email me directly at NSVpodcast@gmail.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mary (00:05):
Welcome to no Shrinking Violence.
I'm your host, mary Rothwell,licensed therapist and certified
integrative mental healthpractitioner.
I've created a space where wecelebrate the intuition and
power of women who want to breakfree from limiting narratives.
We'll explore all realms ofwellness what it means to take
up space unapologetically, andhow your essential nature is key
(00:28):
to living life on your terms.
It's time to own your space,trust your nature and flourish.
Let's dive in.
Hey, violets, welcome to theshow.
One of the most prevalent issuesI encountered in my work with
college students was their needto navigate, usually for the
first time, a world where theycould truly make their own
(00:51):
choices.
Many of them, especiallyinternational students, were
navigating their first steps ina world with lots of options and
potential paths to their future, while still recognizing that
their parents had expectationsthat my students sometimes felt
limited.
Their options or, if theyfollowed their hearts whether it
be in choice of major or evensomething as simple as how often
(01:13):
they traveled back home theyfaced the agony of knowing their
parents would be disappointed.
My discussion around theseissues happened most often with
my female students.
These issues happened mostoften with my female students.
Often they were first gen,meaning the first person in
their family to attend college,or they were the oldest child.
But even female studentsoutside of either of these
(01:33):
categories felt unique pressuresto succeed that hit them
differently than many of my malestudents.
They worried about youngersiblings left at home, missing
them, especially in homes whereparents tended to be more absent
or where the oldest daughterwas expected to assume much of
the caretaking.
The journey into college, whileperhaps the perfect chance to
(01:54):
spread her wings and chart herown course, often felt
conflicted and full of guilt.
When I read through theinformation on my guest today,
one of the first things Irecognized was the first
daughter pressure she navigated.
Born in Nigeria, she moved toLondon with her family at the
tender age of six after herfamily's fortunes changed and
(02:14):
from there her early life wascharacterized by the burden of
making choices based on what wasbest for her family.
Adaku Mbagwu is not just a coach.
She is a movement, aTulum-based transformational
guide.
Adaku built a seven-figurerecruitment business, battled
depression, survived a suicideattempt and emerged on the other
(02:35):
side through deep inner healing.
As the eldest daughter of sevenchildren, she spent much of her
life over-functioning,over-delivering and feeling
unseen, until she broke thecycle.
Today she's the founder ofHealed Hero, a global community
for high-performing first-borndaughters who are ready to stop
carrying everyone else and startliving for themselves.
(02:57):
Known as the first daughtercoach, adaku is on a mission to
help women finally feel whatit's like to be held, seen and
at peace.
Welcome to no Shrinking VioletsA Daku.
Adaku (03:09):
Thank you so much for having me.
I love that intro.
Mary (03:12):
Thank you.
Okay, so I wondered if we mightbe able to start with what I
call your story of light bulbmoments.
So I think we all have sort ofthese moments in our life where
it's like we took a snapshot andwe realized it was like a
defining moment.
I feel like you had a lot ofthem.
So when you think about yourlife, what things do you feel
(03:33):
like really stand out, that werethe events that kind of shaped
who you are?
Adaku (03:40):
I am.
I think the very first memory Ihave was after I moved to the
UK.
It seemed like we had quite acushy life in Nigeria, and in
the UK things just got reallybad.
So my mom was a supply teacher.
She didn't have thequalifications to be a full-time
teacher, so when she would workthere was money, when she
(04:03):
wouldn't work she'd live oncredit cards and that ended up
catching up on her.
And my childhood memories arelike bay leaves, these big, bad,
aggressive men knocking on ourdoors and taking all of our
stuff.
So we grew up in this kind ofshell of an apartment that
didn't have any furniture andwe'd go without food for days at
(04:24):
a time and without anyelectricity and we had to wear
our outdoor jackets inside.
And I remember a specificmoment when I was following my
mom to go grocery shopping andwe were walking to an area
called Wood Green where all theshops were, and it was raining
really, really badly and we bothhad umbrellas and it was one of
those days where it was justpointless to have the umbrella
(04:46):
because you'd like push againstthe rain and the wind would like
wash it up, and so we kept kindof trying to get the wind to
keep the umbrella down, and thenI realized that my mom wasn't
close.
So I looked back to see whathad happened and I remember her
stopping to lift up her sock,which had fallen through a hole
in her shoe, and it was justdrenched.
(05:08):
And I just remember my heartbreaking and being like I have
to do something to help my momand help my family.
I think that was very pivotalbecause I think that's when I
kind of like signed away mychildhood and kind of took on
this parentified role and mybrain was all focused on what
can I do to make money?
Do I need?
How can I help mom?
(05:29):
And it just that kind of shapedthe years that would follow.
So that was the firstfundamental aha moment that
stood out.
And then I had many of thosealong the way.
And then in my twenties waswhen I hit rock bottom.
And then those aha moments thatI changed it and I was like, oh
, was when I hit rock bottom.
And then those are how momentsI change it and I was like, oh,
those decisions haven't reallyserved me well and I need to
(05:50):
start taking on new beliefs.
I can share those, but yeah, Idon't want to talk your ear off.
Mary (05:55):
Oh no, no, that that's why you're here to talk.
But so what occurred to me whenyou just talked about that
moment is, as you sort of hadthis recognition, and I really
believe we are two things we areobviously how we're wired and
we are what happens to us, andso I think and I don't know if
this is more endemic to sort ofwomen but we are wired more to
(06:19):
be the caretakers right Tonaturally fall into that role,
caretakers right to naturallyfall into that role.
So you sort of I feel likeleaned in a direction of like,
okay, I need to takeresponsibility.
I know you did some things at avery young age just to bring
more money, simple things, right, but to bring more money into
the house.
What was your mom's messageLike when you sort of took this
(06:41):
on?
Did she recognize what you weredoing?
Adaku (06:44):
That's an interesting question.
So she didn't say anything tome at the time when I was young,
but I would have aunties anduncles say so.
In our culture in Nigeria,every firstborn daughter is
given the name that begins withADA.
It means firstborn girl, thefamily, and then the last part
of the name is different.
So my inside, dad Kuu, whichmeans firstborn girl, the family
(07:05):
, and then the last part of thename is different.
So my inside, are cool, whichmeans firstborn daughter of
wealth.
But they would always say like,oh, you're helping your mom,
like you should, you're supposedto.
Even when I was depressed and,um, struggling with that, I
remember my grandma phoning meand was like just pray, because
your mom needs you.
And I was like I'm strugglingand you cut like you're telling
me, like I need to just praybecause your mom needs you.
And I was like I'm strugglingand you cut like you're telling
(07:26):
me, like I need to just get overit so that I can.
So I think there was this kindof underlying expectation and my
mom, she didn't tell me I hadto, but she didn't tell me not
to.
So, um, when I was working outof depression and started
working with a coach and healingsome of these beliefs that I
(07:47):
had that were causing me a lotof stress.
I ended up having a conversationwith her because leading up to
that, I was very resentful toher, very angry, and I felt like
I needed her to apologize.
And then I had a moment where Iwas just like actually I'm kind
of grateful that I had thosecircumstances because I like who
I've become and I wouldn't havecome that way without her.
So I told her and I was likeyou know, I'm sorry that I've
(08:10):
been like blaming you and we weboth had our parts at play and I
just want to say that I'mgrateful for you and the
circumstances because of who Icame.
That's when she felt, I guess,safe enough to apologize and she
actually said to me I'm sorry,I didn't nurture you.
I was scared to be a mother toyou because you were helping me
(08:31):
so much that I thought that if Imothered you you would stop.
So I think that's what I felt interms of the expectation, and I
guess the backlash on me isthat I felt like she loved my
siblings more than she loves me,because I would observe her
being nurturing and loving tothem and she wasn't being
nurturing.
So that was the first time Igot the insight into oh so you
(08:51):
knew you weren't mothering meand it was like an intentional
thing because you're like she'sbeing so helpful that I don't
want to show her love or showher nurture.
So, um, yeah, so explicitlywhile I was growing up.
No, she didn't say anything,but it was kind of felt and,
yeah, I kind of felt like I wasa live in ATM and kind of work
(09:13):
workhorse was my experience.
Mary (09:16):
Yeah, and it sounds like you sort of had this instinct
inside, like this, like there'ssomething wrong here, like, and
the overwhelm.
But you push that aside becauseyou were getting these messages
of, yeah, keep doing more ofwhat you're doing, like take
care of your mom, I think it wasmore than that.
Adaku (09:36):
I think that that played a part.
But also as a child, I wantedto be loved.
So I thought, okay, I'm doingall of these things and she's
not loving me.
Maybe if I do more.
So then that put me on thislike no-win vicious cycle of
trying to take on more and moreand more with the hopes that
I'll finally get love from mymom in the way that she shows it
to everyone else.
(09:57):
And obviously, the more I did,the more she thought okay, it's
working me not showing her love,so I'm going to not show her
love.
So, yeah, I think the child inme was craving this care and
love and nurture from my momthat I wasn't getting, and I was
trying to be the good andperfect child with the hopes
that the reward will be amother's love.
Mary (10:19):
So yeah, Isn't it funny how we set up this in our mind,
this equation of earning.
We have to earn it, earn thelove.
Adaku (10:28):
Yeah, yeah, it completely killed me.
And now that I work withfirstborn daughters it's so
interesting how it's like thefundamental pattern.
It's like I have to try hard, Ihave to work hard to prove why
I'm lovable.
It's like, no, you'reinherently lovable, you know
it's.
Yeah, it's interesting to kindof feel like love is
(10:51):
transactional.
The more I do, the more Ishould receive it back rather
than no, I just love you becauseI love you, Mm-hmm.
Mary (11:00):
Because typically, when it comes to someone in your
situation and everyone's alittle bit different, but I
think what forms that you're notkeeping score Right, if
anything, you're always feelingthe deficit, so you're working
harder and then the other sideof the equation is just not.
Adaku (11:16):
It's never going to add up there was a lot of resentment
(11:36):
there and like, um, especiallywhen the tipping scale happened
and depression hit, there was somany reasons and evidence that
I had built up as the all of thethings I've done for everyone
and no one does anything for me.
So it's, it's a score keep itin a different way.
And it's interesting because Ijust got off a coaching call now
with some firstborn daughtersand there's this vicious cycle
(11:57):
of the more I do, the more Ifeel significant.
So it's, um, so I need to dothese things.
But then I get to be righteousand complaining about it,
because then it's like, oh well,me, um, this is how I'm not
loved and therefore, if Icomplain, well, me, this is how
I'm not loved.
And therefore, if I complain,hopefully you'll feel bad.
(12:18):
And then so it becomes like alittle bit of a manipulation,
unconsciously of course, butyeah, so it's.
Mary (12:24):
Well, I like that example because I think what happens?
We don't often recognizeourselves, so there could very
well be people listeningthinking I'm a first daughter.
I don't think I do that, butyet they probably feel some of
the things.
So give us an idea how youconceptualize this idea.
What does it typically looklike?
Adaku (12:43):
if there's a typical so the when you talk about aha
moments, I had a suicide attemptwhen I was 25 and I was like,
if this is going to be my lifeexperience, feeling depressed,
I'd rather not be here becausethis is horrible.
And I couldn't see a light atthe end of the tunnel.
And a friend of my brother'sintroduced me to the coach that
(13:04):
I worked with and one of thebreakthrough moments because he
dedicated about two to six hoursa day of his time to me for
free for three months, which wasa godsend.
I'm so grateful.
And in one of our conversationshe would say like why do you
think you're depressed?
And I would have all of thesereasons, as my family take
advantage of me and they like Ihave to do everything for
(13:27):
everyone, and no one even has athought of how I feel and what
the impact is on me.
I had all the justificationsand he just said who told you
you had to do that?
So what do you mean?
Who told me I had to do that?
Of course I have to do it,because if I don't do it, who
else is going to?
Like?
Everything is going to fallapart if it wasn't for me.
And then he kept asking thesame question.
But who told you you had to dothat?
(13:48):
But who told you you had to dothat?
And eventually I heard thequestion and I was like, oh, who
told me I had to do that?
I made that decision.
When I saw my mom pulling up hersock, like no one explicitly
came to me, even if it wasimplied.
I still had agency.
I didn't have to take on thisrole and I wouldn't have been
(14:10):
put on the street if I didn'tbecome this kind of savior to my
family.
And that was the first moment Ihad to start realizing like, oh
, wow, I've trained them toexpect this from me because I've
kept continuously shown up inthis way.
And if I've shown up in thisway, then I can show up in a
different way to train them tobe otherwise.
And that's the moment that mylife started to change.
(14:32):
It wasn't easy, because therewas a lot of emotions I had to
deal with, like the thought ofsaying no felt like the hardest
thing in the world.
And when I started looking atwhy, then I started realizing oh
crap, if I don't do thesethings, like who am I and how
would they relate to me andwould they even love me and
would I have like a significancein the family.
(14:52):
And that's how I started to seelike, oh, I get a payoff from
playing this role, even thoughit's exhausted me and it's
causing me pain, it's leading todepression.
So, luckily, I was so gratefulfor having depression.
It was the biggest gift I couldhave because I didn't want that
anymore.
So I, regardless of theresistance I had to work through
(15:12):
it and then through that I wasable to take responsibility for
the part that I played in in thedynamic and start shifting that
which shifted everything else.
Mary (15:21):
So, yeah, well, you said the, the perfect thing.
That sums up these types ofsituations.
You train them, we train peoplehow to teach us or how to treat
us.
And it is interesting because Ican speak for myself.
This was me.
Now I'm the first daughterafter three brothers, so
interesting.
But I'm pretty self-sufficient.
(15:43):
And I think then the narrative.
I want to talk more aboutnarratives too, but I think the
narrative became I have to takecare of myself.
Nobody's going to take care ofme.
And the more I did that, theless people offered.
And then one day I'm like whycan't people see?
And it was like light bulb,like you keep telling them
you're fine.
So that was very pivotal.
(16:06):
So how has it been for you?
Or especially when you firstrealized this, how was it for
you to really start that shift?
Adaku (16:20):
There's so many, I'm still doing it.
I don't think there's alwayslayers of it.
Right, you start the shift.
But the same thing in relationto I was looking at people.
I'm like there are some peoplewho just have everyone show up
for them, naturally.
What's the difference betweenthem and me?
And, like you said, thedifference between them and me
and, like you said, thedifference between them and me
is that they are vulnerable.
They are like I haven't gotthis figured out.
I'm struggling, help me,they'll cry with me.
(16:41):
I'm like I gotta be strong.
I can't cry, I can't show myweakness and I'm like, oh, like,
I'm not giving.
And another pivotal moment andaha moment I had was a friend of
mine said to me you're reallyhard to love and I said why that
like I'm, that makes me feelhorrible.
Yeah, and she said you do somuch for me and I don't know how
(17:03):
to do anything for you, and Iwas like that makes me hard to
love.
I thought that would be easy,you know, and I started
realizing the the same job.
When I'm not exhausted andcoming from a glass that's empty
, when I give to others and dothings for others, I do feel
really good and I'm robbingpeople of the opportunity to do
that for me.
And I didn't think of it likethat, you know.
(17:25):
And I was in a relationshipbefore my breakdown and we were
due to get married and he keptsaying to me you don't need me,
you don't need me.
And I was like why is that aproblem?
And you know, I think that'skind of those two situations
that I didn't change immediately.
But then, also, seeing thatI've trained people to like take
(17:47):
, take, take, I had to learn howto receive.
And that's so uncomfortablewhen all of your life you've
kind of created your identity asbeing the giver.
It's like, firstly, beingvulnerable is scary and it takes
a lot of courage.
So I was talking to my clientsbefore this call about this
(18:08):
illusion that firstborndaughters have of being strong,
which is like creating an imagethat we have everything together
and the real strength is beingbrave enough to say we don't
have anything, everythingtogether and and allow people to
help us.
But if we've created aassociation with being in need,
with being weak, it's like it'searth shattering to our
(18:30):
existence, to sort of step intoit.
But I'm like I want to receive,so I really had to.
There was a situation,circumstances.
Sorry, I feel like I'm going tolots of different places, but
hopefully it makes sense.
In 2017, my mom died and thatwas a year after I walked away
from my business and I hadn'thad that much time on my hands
(18:55):
for a year and I spent all of mymoney.
Really, it's really easy tospend a lot of money really
quickly so I became broke.
My mom died.
I had to become legal guardianto my little brothers.
One of them was in prison, theothers because my mom was in a
council house, which isgovernment um housing.
They were threatening to makethem homeless and they were 14,
(19:18):
17 and 19 at the time becausethen her name, their name,
wasn't on the lease and I'm likeyou can't do that.
So I went straight into fix itmode, which is what I do.
So I was like I was fightingthe council to keep them in the
house.
I was fighting the socialworkers to not put them in the
system and to give meguardianship.
I didn't have money, so I hadto read on law and pull on my
(19:39):
network to try and help me.
So I didn't have the capacityof time to work.
My youngest brother, 14, washaving behavioral issues and
like being really destructive ina behavioral unit.
He was kicked out of schoolthree years prior, so I was back
and forth with the schooltrying to sort out his care and
(20:01):
I was just like I can't affordto sustain myself.
I'm not eligible for any um,any government assistance,
because I had a property andthey said sell the property and
live off that and I was like Idon't really want to do that.
So I had to ask.
For the first time in my life Iwent to my um and I kind of
said maybe this is God's way ofputting me in a situation where
(20:21):
because I would happily gowithout food I'd done it growing
up.
I can do that, you know, Idon't mind.
But now I was caring for mylittle brothers and I was like I
I need help to help them.
So I had to ask my mentor, Ihad to ask friends and everyone
showed up for me and I was likeokay, I want to make this a
(20:44):
pattern and a habit of just evenif it's small things like help
with my bag, to learn how totrain myself to be okay in the
receiving, so that I can startbuilding reciprocity.
Otherwise I'm just going tokeep creating relationships
where I'm the giver and I'm notgetting anything back, and then
I'm resentful for it.
It's like now, with awareness.
It sounded silly, so it waslike, okay, I don't want to keep
doing this, what can I do tostart making it?
(21:04):
And that was the moment thatthat journey started, in terms
of learning how to receive aswell as give.
Mary (21:12):
Well, and isn't it interesting that you got
permission because you reallyneeded to do it to take care of
your brothers.
Adaku (21:18):
Yeah, it needed to be justified.
Mary (21:20):
Yeah, but then you generalized it to the bigger
thing and I think this idea ofbeing strong, we don't need
anybody but we really do thevulnerability also comes with.
You had been let down.
You did need something as achild.
I mean, as a child you neededsomething that you didn't get.
And I think there's also thatfear of if I reach out and
(21:45):
someone doesn't respond, it'sbecause they don't care, they
don't love.
So that leads into theselimiting narratives and I talk
about this all the time, but itoccurred to me one day.
I wonder if people don't knowwhat a limiting narrative is.
We have them, but they're likethere's buried irrational
beliefs.
So can you give an example ofmaybe somebody you've worked
(22:09):
with or your own life, whateverlike a limiting narrative and
how that plays out not only inthe unhealthy ways, but how,
when you switch that around, youcan really grow into more of
your full potential?
Adaku (22:26):
So a client right now is working with a narrative that
she's struggling to let go of,and her narrative is I'm not
lovable unless I'm broken.
So how that manifests for herbecause she's a firstborn
daughter.
So it's this, it's, it's weird,weird paradox.
She's the high achieving,successful, seemingly, has it
(22:51):
all together, but at the sametime she will create these
little explosions in her life sothat her dad shows up for her
or she gets to lean on and it'sinteresting on male friends,
because she has a fundamentalbelief that her dad doesn't love
her because he didn't show upas the dad that she thought he
should be.
But through the work we've donetogether, there's so many ways
(23:13):
that he expresses the love it'sjust not the way that she needs
to express.
So she's created this thingthat she will never be able to
find a man and get married ifshe is fully healed and coming
from a wholesome place.
So she has to stay broken.
So no matter how.
So she's in the container ofdoing work, but she just keeps
(23:35):
sabotaging, sabotaging,sabotaging, in order for her to
stay safe.
That as long as she needsrescuing at some level, she's
going to be loved.
You know, and and the the flipside of that is well, she hasn't
got to the flip side yet.
She's okay.
So, in terms of my case, what isa narrative that was limiting
(23:57):
me and transformed narrativethat was limiting me financially
?
So when I ran out of money inmy business, when I left my
business, I questioned myselfwhy is it that even when I had
my business, I'd make loads ofmoney and I'd lose it?
And I make loads of money andI'd lose it?
And I was like why do I keephaving this yo-yo relationship
with money?
(24:18):
And I realized that my and Irealized that my need to be
everything to my family meantthat when I had money, the
amount of demands that came tome were like heightened.
So, because I didn't know, Ifelt so guilty saying no.
I had a valid reason where it'slike I don't have any money.
It's not because I don't wantto, you know, I just don't have
(24:39):
any money.
So I needed to create scarcityto give myself a break from
solving everyone else's problems, which logically sounds
ridiculous.
But it's like if I have money,I will be.
Um, I will just be seen as this, like human ATM that is
constantly kind of needing to beat the beck and call of
(25:01):
everyone.
So when I changed that narrativeto oh, I'm in full control of
my abundance and I can choosewhen I help and I can choose
when I don't, wasn't easy.
But I started saying no, it'slike I don't have the capacity
right now.
When I do, I will.
And as I started doing that,started realizing my finances
started to stabilize and evenincrease.
(25:22):
So that's how I was able totake a narrative that I had and
see the dynamic it was creatingand choose that.
I didn't want to continue tocreate that and then take on,
adopt a new narrative thatserved me better.
Mary (25:38):
Isn't it crazy, all the complexities and the layers that
you have to peel back to reallyunderstand yourself.
It's fascinating, it is.
Adaku (25:48):
It is, but I think that's the joy of being a human.
Well, when you're not in thepain obviously when you're thick
of the pain it's like, oh mygosh, why do I have to go
through this?
But then, at the same time,it's like I really created that.
Why would I do that to myself?
And being able to see like ourminds are really trying to work
in our best interest.
(26:09):
But it only has the data fromthe past to go by.
So, as our adult selves, wealmost have to reparent
ourselves into taking on, to notthinking that there's danger
everywhere and taking on newperspectives and showing up in
new ways in life.
But yeah, it's a never-endingjourney and for some people it
can be exhausting.
I find it fun and exhilaratingto figure out the next blind
(26:32):
spot and the next edge.
And yeah, it's always greatstuff on the other side.
Mary (26:38):
Well, one of the steps in your journey which is so
intriguing.
We tend to equate success withhow much money we make right,
and if I only had more money.
You were doing really well atone point in a business and you
basically walked away and wentsort of on a retreat.
Can you talk a little about howyou knew this was the step and
(27:00):
kind of why you did that?
Adaku (27:09):
step and kind of why you did that.
Well, a lot of the I don'tthink I knew who I was.
From that moment of, I think,being eight or nine and having
the situation with my mom all ofmy decisions were based around
am I a good role model for mysiblings?
Am I showing up for my, myparents, how can I make more
money?
I think I was earning sixfigures by the age of 22 after I
graduated, a year after Igraduated uni, because
(27:29):
everything was around makingmoney to give it away.
And when I was in the fourthyear of my business, it had got
to seven figures and it was atthe peak of its growth.
So everyone around me wasexcited.
My mentor was like you just gotto double down and everyone was
like I'm not feeling the sameexcitement that you guys are
feeling.
And my team noticed that therewas something wrong, cause I
(27:54):
come in and I'd be like you guysdo whatever you want, like I'm
not really bothered and I gohome.
And what I didn't realize atthe time, that I realized when I
decided to go away.
So one thing I appreciate mymom for is that she introduced
us all to meditation when I wasreally young after we moved to
the UK.
So we used to meditate all ofthe time and she would say
whenever you have a query, turnwithin.
(28:15):
And that became like a habit.
So for a period of six months Iwas really disillusioned with
the business.
I didn't have any motivationand I would say to her
everyone's telling me this is aphase, but the phase isn't
stopping.
I've been like this for sixmonths.
What's going on?
And she said why are youlistening to everyone?
Why don't the world?
Picked one that looked good ontheir website and decided to buy
(28:52):
a ticket for a month to go toIndia to an Osho meditation
retreat.
I didn't know who Osho was atthe time.
It was funny.
When I got to Delhi for myconnecting flight, they asked me
where I was going and I toldthem and the immigration officer
was like you know, it's like anorgy ashram.
I was like what, what?
Mary (29:08):
did I sign up to?
Adaku (29:09):
it wasn't.
It wasn't, but he scared me.
I think they had a reputationin the past.
But, um, so I went without myphone, without my laptop, just
closed the world off and while Iwas there, it through meditate.
I think I was meditating six,meditating six to eight hours a
day, and when I wasn'tmeditating, I was doing arts and
crafts.
And I got to play again for thefirst time in a very long time.
(29:31):
And through that play Irealized oh my gosh, I have been
working since I was eight yearsold and I haven't stopped.
And the reason I've lost mymotivation for the business is
because my siblings aregraduating and getting their own
jobs and doing things, so thepressure to provide for everyone
(29:51):
is dying.
And if my why is external to me, then like I'm just, I don't
have any purpose.
I need to figure out who I amLike.
What do I even like doing?
I don't.
I don't know how to answer that.
So that's when I came back andI was like I'm shutting the
business down.
Everyone was like what are youdoing?
You've lost your mind.
And my mentor actually asked meto get a psychic evaluation
(30:11):
because he thought I had falleninto depression again.
And I got a psychic evaluation.
I was fine and he was like no,something has to be wrong.
And I'm like, yeah, what'swrong is that I haven't been
living my life for me and now Ihave the opportunity to.
So that's how I decided to kindof leave a perfectly successful
business to go and figure outwho am I and what do I need to
(30:32):
be doing.
Mary (30:34):
And that silence.
Where do we have that in theworld?
I mean, isn't it funny?
You had to travel to India tofind a place where not only
could you have it, but it wasacceptable, it was supposed to
happen.
If we try to do that in ourworld here, it's like what are
you doing?
What's wrong with you?
Why aren't you?
You know it's that fear,missing out or other people's
(30:56):
expectations, but sometimes youjust have to quiet all the stuff
to really hear what your owntruth is.
You do.
Adaku (31:05):
You do.
It is hard, I think, also beingin an environment where
everyone calls on you, because Idon't think that I stopped
being the point of contact foreverything for my family until I
moved to Mexico during thepandemic.
So I think I kind ofsubconsciously knew that the
only way that I would truly getthe space to.
(31:26):
I told no one knew where I wasgoing except for my assistant
and I told her don't tell anyoneunless it's life or death.
And my dad made up someemergency to like get her to
give him number, and he ended upcalling that and I was like how
did you figure out?
It was like I told your, yourassistant, that I was in
hospital.
I was just like, oh, my gosh,yeah, so, um, but yeah, it's
(31:47):
really important to be able tokind of take that time to
connect with yourself and hear.
I think it's really easy to kindof push through our emotions
and push through our thoughtsand do what we're supposed to do
.
We miss like the little signsthat our intuition or our inner
child or like our needs aresaying hey, we need you to slow
(32:10):
down or hey, we need you to stop, and maybe this direction isn't
for you anymore.
And it's a little scary becauseyou start, we create things and
when they're successful,sometimes we attach our identity
to it.
So a lot of people don'tactually want to hear it because
it's like I'm going to have tolet go of all of this.
Who am I?
How are people going to see me?
And we get so attached to a wayof being that it becomes a
(32:38):
little confronting to stop andto hear our truth and to act on
that truth.
Mary (32:49):
Well and I think it's interesting because I work a lot
with systems theory that whenone part of the system changes,
the system doesn't like that.
So your dad this shows how hardit is to change things because
he went so above and beyond tokind of get you back in that
pattern, get you re-engaged inwhat was important to him.
Adaku (33:06):
Yeah, yeah, they did.
Even after I came out ofdepression and I was living with
my mom and I was a partner of arecruitment business and I was
given an ultimatum and I left,and so I didn't have a job.
I ended my relationship.
And I was given an ultimatumand I left, and so I didn't have
a job.
I ended my relationship.
I moved in with my mom and Irealized I need to be away from
(33:30):
my mom to change, because shepulls me back into that dynamic
and triggers me.
And then I start shouting ather.
It was just not healthy.
But I had nowhere to go.
So I actually moved into my carand I convinced the housing the
government housing to give me aone bedroom place.
And when I was there, I didn'ttell anyone where I lived.
And they harassed my friends.
(33:50):
They would not.
I was like I just, it's nothingto do with them, I just need
the time.
And my friends were like your,your, your family are telling me
that I'm a bad person and howcan I hold this secret?
And I'm like, please, just dothis for me.
And eventually they caved.
And then my mom showed upoutside my house one day and she
just kept knocking and you know, so they.
I think again, it's like whenyou make yourself indispensable,
(34:13):
people need you to stay as youare.
Even the process of changingand trying to retrain them it
caused a whole lot of anger andresentment and there was a lot
of backlash and I had to reallydig deep to hold on to like I
know why I'm doing this for meand for them, because I'm not
(34:35):
allowing my siblings to realizethat they're capable, because
I'm taking that away from themby doing everything you know.
So it's like, even though thishurts, they're capable because
I'm taking that away from themby doing everything you know.
So it's like, even though thishurts, so, yeah, your
environment and therelationships that have known
you to be one way but come thekind of a Kibbe's hill to your
evolution because they need youto be that way for them to feel
(34:55):
safe, or because they feel safein the familiar, whether the
familiar is working or not.
So yes, it's difficult.
Yeah, it's really difficult andsometimes it feels easier to
just go back to it, but I thinkyou knew there was too much at
stake to do that If I didn'tfall into depression, I would
have been easily pulled back inLike I needed something to
(35:16):
really, really hurt for me tosay, even though this is painful
, I know that there's a painthat I don't want to feel.
Mary (35:22):
That's a result of keeping things the way they are, so
yeah, you mentioned the wordgratitude, and so I've asked
several guests if you could goback and change something or do
something different.
Almost 100% of the time theysay I wouldn't change anything.
How do you feel about thatquestion?
Adaku (35:45):
anything.
How do you feel about thatquestion?
Yeah, it's tough because I saidsomething earlier about coming
to the realization that a lot ofthe things I like about myself
now and we'll go as far as tosay love, because this has been
a journey of learning to lovemyself I wouldn't have those
attributes had it not been formy circumstances.
I wouldn't have thoseattributes had it not been for
(36:06):
my circumstances.
But yeah, I would have preferrednot to go without food and to
have to walk to school and becold and have holes in my shoes
and my brother'd steal mytrainers because he ruined his
with sports and yeah, all ofthose things.
Ideally I would not have them,but it's so interesting because
I'm partnered with one of myclients on a recovery business
(36:31):
and a lot of the clients thatcome through are from really
well-off families and they hadtwo-parent households and they
had a lot of money but they'veturned to drugs because they
feel like they don't haveconfidence in anything that they
can do.
And it's like I'm not afraid ofnot having because I've not had
(36:51):
so many times and madesomething out of nothing that
it's kind of made me comfortablewith taking risks, because I
believe in my capability,because I've had that.
So if I had everything given tome, I wouldn't have that same
confidence, you know.
So it's difficult because, yes,in hindsight, I don't think a
child should go through that andI wouldn't want to put a child
(37:12):
through that and then I wouldn'tbe who I am had I not gone
through that.
So, yeah, it's hard.
Mary (37:19):
It's hard, yeah, and I feel like that is an aspect of
true healing when people get toa point where they can look at
it with gratitude.
You know you got to really hearfrom your mom.
I mean, I'm guessing there wassome understanding when she said
to you I didn't nurture you forwhatever.
If we can say, wow, that'sbackward for a mom or whatever
(37:42):
she in her own way, we can seethat as adults.
We see our parents how theystruggle, just as people.
But I feel like when people cantruly sit and say I feel
gratitude, that is like truehealing.
So the other thing that I thinkwe make the mistake of is we
see somebody like you that youknow your website is beautiful,
(38:06):
what you're doing is beautiful,your message is beautiful, and I
think we can be like, oh, Icould never be that, and we
think it's this linear, likeyou've arrived now.
So what do you still?
What is still hard for you?
What do you still struggle with?
Adaku (38:20):
Hmm, Good question.
What am I working on right now?
So, one of the the key thingsthat so I?
I always say that there'slayers to everything, um, so I
had an incident in tulum, um,four months ago.
(38:43):
So I have fibroids and I livein a very um, spiritual town.
So my masseuse gives me amassage and says, oh, your kasha
crackle says this and says thatlike every everyone's giving me
readings from all over theplace, and every time I've gone
to two different healers forother things and they touched my
(39:03):
fibroids and they said to me,oh, you had some sexual trauma
in your life.
And I was like, no, I haven't.
Um, and they were like, maybein your ancestry or in your
lineage, but you're carryingthis sexual trauma.
I haven't been sexuallyassaulted.
And then I, on four months ago,I was on a scooter and I usually
get home by 10 o'clock but Imet a friend I hadn't seen in a
(39:26):
while and we talked until like11.
I was like, oh my gosh, I gottago.
So I got on my scooter andsomeone actually followed me and
they ended up like groping mythighs as I was driving and it
shook me up.
But again, lesson in disguise,because I got home and I tried
to calm myself down.
I closed my eyes to breathe andI had this almost like movie
(39:48):
reel of all of the compromisingsituations I've been in from a
young age when I have been in,from a young age where I have
been objectified and I wasactually raped after my mom died
and my brain, I guess in orderto cope because I had to look
after my siblings pushed it tothe side.
So I was like, oh my gosh, Ididn't see that.
And as I started working throughit, the thing that I tied
(40:11):
together was I had a call withsome friends of mine who are
really kind of passionatefeminists and to me it every
time I hear them speak about men, it sounds like they hate men
and it frustrates me and I'mlike you guys want to be in a
relationship but you hate men.
Like how, how is this gonnawork?
(40:31):
You know, like you're, you'renot into women.
So at some point and I'm likewhy?
And the friend of mine, beforeI got on my scooter, she sent me
a message and she said I noticehow you get triggered every
time we speak about our feed.
It's about the patriarchy and,seeing as you're the one that's
triggered, you might want tolook into what's coming up for
(40:51):
you, and I was like I'm gratefulfor Thank you.
So, as I was replaying all ofthese situations, I was like, oh
my gosh, I have a fundamentalmistrust of men and in hearing
their feelings about thepatriarchy, it triggers the
fundamental mistrust of men thatI had no conscious awareness of
(41:11):
.
So I thought I was reacting tothem, but I was reacting to
myself, because I'm single rightnow and if I mistrust men, how
am I going to be able to attractsomeone into my life?
So I was like let's extrapolatethat I don't think I trust
anyone to fully hold space forme, because I've been taking
care of myself for so long andeven though I've learned to
(41:32):
receive, I think there's stillan undercurrent of like I'm in
this alone and I know that I canguarantee and rely on me and
I'm never going to let myselfdown.
But to really truly surrenderto someone else I don't know.
So that's the thing that I'vebeen working on, because I'm
like in order to.
I have a vision of growing acommunity of a hundred thousand
(41:55):
firstborn daughters globally andI can't do that just on my back
.
I'm going to wear myself out.
I'm going to need to build ateam and be able to create
community and not be such aloner.
So I'm like this is going tohave a ripple effect in every
area and I've been doing somework to look at where that
started and one of the thingsthat came down was a forgiveness
(42:16):
exercise that I did because mydad wasn't in my life between
the age of 8 and 25.
So I started realizing thatthere are certain things I'm
still holding onto and blamingmy parents for.
So I'm not playful because mymom made me grow up early.
I get to choose who I am inthis moment Like, why am I
(42:36):
carrying that into now?
So I started seeing all ofthese things that I hold on to
as evidence why I shouldn'ttrust people.
And now I'm working on lettinggo of those things, one at a
time, and stepping into theattributes that I say I can't
have because of those thingsthat happened in the past, so
that I can create evidence thatI can have them regardless of
(42:56):
that and that will allow me toforgive and truly open up at
this new level.
Mary (43:02):
So that's what.
Adaku (43:04):
I'm currently working on.
Mary (43:05):
Oh, that's a big one, you know, and I do say very often
that life taps us on theshoulder and if we don't listen
then it starts to like nudge.
And isn't it interesting thatthese people that you trust that
are, you know, because our bodykeeps the score, like it we're
holding it somewhere, and itwasn't until life did that next
(43:25):
thing that you were like holycrap.
Like there it is.
Yeah, I would prefer to notlearn from extreme pain?
Adaku (43:32):
But apparently not.
I keep like things blow fromextreme pain.
I know my lesson, butapparently not.
I keep like letting things blowup and I'm like, okay, all
right, I'm paying attention, youknow, but it's so true, it's um
.
I always say when people arelike, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry
you were depressed and you had,I was like, don't be like, I
needed that.
It's almost like I was askingGod like why is why things so
hard?
Why are things like this?
(43:53):
And I wasn't listening to whatI was asking God like why is why
are things so hard?
Why are things like this?
And I wasn't listening to whatI was being told.
And it's almost like I kind ofsee it as God's hand lifting me
up and throwing me against thewall for me to be like okay, I
let go of anything that Ithought I was right on, I'm open
to anything else.
And that's when, like, all ofthe answers started coming
through and, even with this, Ijust immediately dismissed the
whole.
I was like I don't have anyrecollection of any sexual
(44:14):
trauma.
Rather than being curious andbeing like do I?
And maybe like there'ssomething that I need to look at
, I was just like no, that's notme, you guys are picking up
your, your antennas are broken,you're picking something else
from.
But then I had to have thatsituation happen to me, like, oh
, I have plenty of situations inmy life that I completely
forgot.
So, yeah, I'm grateful, but yeah, it's just there's, there's a
(44:36):
gift in I guess.
It's how you go through life,right, because some people go
through and it's kind of likeI've.
I feel so angry and I feel sohurt for everything that's
happened to me and that's fairand that's a valid feeling, like
you're entitled to your feeling.
And there's a flip side of okay, these things have happened to
me and what can I see I'vegained from them and what have
(44:59):
they opened up for me.
I think that's just a lighterway of living life and I haven't
always been here, so don't letme sound like an enlightened
guru.
I am not.
I was very angry and veryresentful and very.
It took me a while of doingwork consistently to be like oh
my gosh, life is so beautifuland we get to recreate ourselves
(45:20):
over and over and over againand life always reflects who we
are to us.
Mary (45:25):
Yeah, and I, just one of my little, I do mini episodes
that are just solos, episodesthat are just solos.
And the one that I did for, Iguess, September was try to
shift from why is this happeningto me to what can I learn from
this.
And it's so powerful becauselife happens through us.
(45:45):
It doesn't happen to us, but wecan feel like it's just
happening to us and we are outof control.
But once you can slow down andreally just let it be curious,
let it be there, like you usethe word curiosity but it's
scary, Like why would you wantto think that happened to you?
So until your brain was readyand the world pushed you, then
(46:06):
you were like, oh yeah, there itis.
Adaku (46:10):
Yeah, yeah, life is funny .
Yeah, yeah, life is is funny.
But, um, yeah, I wish for other.
I always wish that I could havethis potion to give everyone
what I now have.
Like the one of the mostpainful things is seeing other
people in pain and then thinkingthey're powerless in their pain
.
It breaks my heart.
I always get emotional when Ithink about it and I'm like I
(46:31):
wish you could see how muchpower you had to like change in
your whole experience.
And it's something as simple,even though it's hard, as a
mindset shift in terms of how werelate to life makes such a big
difference to our experienceand the results that we create.
And, yes, it's beautiful.
Mary (46:51):
Yeah Well, I think that's a great spot to end on.
So I know you have wonderfulthings that you offer to the
world, so can you tell us alittle bit about what you offer
and where to find you?
Adaku (47:01):
Okay, well, the thing I'm working on right now is a
community that I've launched forfirstborn daughters
specifically who areentrepreneurs and executives,
specifically who areentrepreneurs and executives,
and I basically have developed amethodology to help them heal
those firstborn daughterpatterns that are limiting them,
so that they can have a lotmore success, a lot more
(47:24):
abundance, with a lot more easeand gentleness and allow
themselves to like, not feelthey have to work hard, so just
allow things to flow into them.
So, yeah, yeah, that's that'sthe thing that I'm working on.
My website is wwwhealedherocom,because I think firstborn
daughters are heroes in otherpeople's lives and, um, I'm on
(47:46):
all social media.
I need to get better at posting.
I'm working on that, but theycan.
My name is pretty much it.
I think it on instagram isadagliembagu underscore, I think
, um, or adagli underscoreembagu.
That shows you how much I'm onit.
Mary (48:01):
I don't even know my handle it's okay, it'll all be
linked in the show notes, sothank you.
Well, this has been delightful.
I think you have a beautifulspirit and I really appreciate
that you were here with me today.
Adaku (48:16):
Likewise, I appreciate you having me.
Mary (48:18):
I think this has been one of my favorite conversations, so
thank you, thank you, thank you, and I want to thank everyone
for listening.
Listener feedback is one of thethings that helps podcasts get
found by other listeners, soplease take a minute to scroll
to the bottom of the show andgive a quick rating, or, if you
have a couple minutes, pleasecomment, because I love to hear
(48:39):
from my listeners.
And until next time, go outinto the world and be the
amazing, resilient, vibrantviolet that you are.
Thank you.
Welcome to no Shrinking Violence.
I'm your host, mary Rothwell,licensed therapist and certified
integrative mental healthpractitioner.
I've created a space where wecelebrate the intuition and
power of women who want to breakfree from limiting narratives.
We'll explore all realms ofwellness what it means to take
up space unapologetically, andhow your essential nature is key
(00:28):
to living life on your terms.
It's time to own your space,trust your nature and flourish.
Let's dive in.
Hey, violets, welcome to theshow.
One of the most prevalent issuesI encountered in my work with
college students was their needto navigate, usually for the
first time, a world where theycould truly make their own
(00:51):
choices.
Many of them, especiallyinternational students, were
navigating their first steps ina world with lots of options and
potential paths to their future, while still recognizing that
their parents had expectationsthat my students sometimes felt
limited.
Their options or, if theyfollowed their hearts whether it
be in choice of major or evensomething as simple as how often
(01:13):
they traveled back home theyfaced the agony of knowing their
parents would be disappointed.
My discussion around theseissues happened most often with
my female students.
These issues happened mostoften with my female students.
Often they were first gen,meaning the first person in
their family to attend college,or they were the oldest child.
But even female studentsoutside of either of these
(01:33):
categories felt unique pressuresto succeed that hit them
differently than many of my malestudents.
They worried about youngersiblings left at home, missing
them, especially in homes whereparents tended to be more absent
or where the oldest daughterwas expected to assume much of
the caretaking.
The journey into college, whileperhaps the perfect chance to
(01:54):
spread her wings and chart herown course, often felt
conflicted and full of guilt.
When I read through theinformation on my guest today,
one of the first things Irecognized was the first
daughter pressure she navigated.
Born in Nigeria, she moved toLondon with her family at the
tender age of six after herfamily's fortunes changed and
(02:14):
from there her early life wascharacterized by the burden of
making choices based on what wasbest for her family.
Adaku Mbagwu is not just a coach.
She is a movement, aTulum-based transformational
guide.
Adaku built a seven-figurerecruitment business, battled
depression, survived a suicideattempt and emerged on the other
(02:35):
side through deep inner healing.
As the eldest daughter of sevenchildren, she spent much of her
life over-functioning,over-delivering and feeling
unseen, until she broke thecycle.
Today she's the founder ofHealed Hero, a global community
for high-performing first-borndaughters who are ready to stop
carrying everyone else and startliving for themselves.
(02:57):
Known as the first daughtercoach, adaku is on a mission to
help women finally feel whatit's like to be held, seen and
at peace.
Welcome to no Shrinking VioletsA Daku.
Adaku (03:09):
Thank you so much for having me.
I love that intro.
Mary (03:12):
Thank you.
Okay, so I wondered if we mightbe able to start with what I
call your story of light bulbmoments.
So I think we all have sort ofthese moments in our life where
it's like we took a snapshot andwe realized it was like a
defining moment.
I feel like you had a lot ofthem.
So when you think about yourlife, what things do you feel
(03:33):
like really stand out, that werethe events that kind of shaped
who you are?
Adaku (03:40):
I am.
I think the very first memory Ihave was after I moved to the
UK.
It seemed like we had quite acushy life in Nigeria, and in
the UK things just got reallybad.
So my mom was a supply teacher.
She didn't have thequalifications to be a full-time
teacher, so when she would workthere was money, when she
(04:03):
wouldn't work she'd live oncredit cards and that ended up
catching up on her.
And my childhood memories arelike bay leaves, these big, bad,
aggressive men knocking on ourdoors and taking all of our
stuff.
So we grew up in this kind ofshell of an apartment that
didn't have any furniture andwe'd go without food for days at
(04:24):
a time and without anyelectricity and we had to wear
our outdoor jackets inside.
And I remember a specificmoment when I was following my
mom to go grocery shopping andwe were walking to an area
called Wood Green where all theshops were, and it was raining
really, really badly and we bothhad umbrellas and it was one of
those days where it was justpointless to have the umbrella
(04:46):
because you'd like push againstthe rain and the wind would like
wash it up, and so we kept kindof trying to get the wind to
keep the umbrella down, and thenI realized that my mom wasn't
close.
So I looked back to see whathad happened and I remember her
stopping to lift up her sock,which had fallen through a hole
in her shoe, and it was justdrenched.
(05:08):
And I just remember my heartbreaking and being like I have
to do something to help my momand help my family.
I think that was very pivotalbecause I think that's when I
kind of like signed away mychildhood and kind of took on
this parentified role and mybrain was all focused on what
can I do to make money?
Do I need?
How can I help mom?
(05:29):
And it just that kind of shapedthe years that would follow.
So that was the firstfundamental aha moment that
stood out.
And then I had many of thosealong the way.
And then in my twenties waswhen I hit rock bottom.
And then those aha moments thatI changed it and I was like, oh
, was when I hit rock bottom.
And then those are how momentsI change it and I was like, oh,
those decisions haven't reallyserved me well and I need to
(05:50):
start taking on new beliefs.
I can share those, but yeah, Idon't want to talk your ear off.
Mary (05:55):
Oh no, no, that that's why you're here to talk.
But so what occurred to me whenyou just talked about that
moment is, as you sort of hadthis recognition, and I really
believe we are two things we areobviously how we're wired and
we are what happens to us, andso I think and I don't know if
this is more endemic to sort ofwomen but we are wired more to
(06:19):
be the caretakers right Tonaturally fall into that role,
caretakers right to naturallyfall into that role.
So you sort of I feel likeleaned in a direction of like,
okay, I need to takeresponsibility.
I know you did some things at avery young age just to bring
more money, simple things, right, but to bring more money into
the house.
What was your mom's messageLike when you sort of took this
(06:41):
on?
Did she recognize what you weredoing?
Adaku (06:44):
That's an interesting question.
So she didn't say anything tome at the time when I was young,
but I would have aunties anduncles say so.
In our culture in Nigeria,every firstborn daughter is
given the name that begins withADA.
It means firstborn girl, thefamily, and then the last part
of the name is different.
So my inside, dad Kuu, whichmeans firstborn girl, the family
(07:05):
, and then the last part of thename is different.
So my inside, are cool, whichmeans firstborn daughter of
wealth.
But they would always say like,oh, you're helping your mom,
like you should, you're supposedto.
Even when I was depressed and,um, struggling with that, I
remember my grandma phoning meand was like just pray, because
your mom needs you.
And I was like I'm strugglingand you cut like you're telling
me, like I need to just praybecause your mom needs you.
And I was like I'm strugglingand you cut like you're telling
(07:26):
me, like I need to just get overit so that I can.
So I think there was this kindof underlying expectation and my
mom, she didn't tell me I hadto, but she didn't tell me not
to.
So, um, when I was working outof depression and started
working with a coach and healingsome of these beliefs that I
(07:47):
had that were causing me a lotof stress.
I ended up having a conversationwith her because leading up to
that, I was very resentful toher, very angry, and I felt like
I needed her to apologize.
And then I had a moment where Iwas just like actually I'm kind
of grateful that I had thosecircumstances because I like who
I've become and I wouldn't havecome that way without her.
So I told her and I was likeyou know, I'm sorry that I've
(08:10):
been like blaming you and we weboth had our parts at play and I
just want to say that I'mgrateful for you and the
circumstances because of who Icame.
That's when she felt, I guess,safe enough to apologize and she
actually said to me I'm sorry,I didn't nurture you.
I was scared to be a mother toyou because you were helping me
(08:31):
so much that I thought that if Imothered you you would stop.
So I think that's what I felt interms of the expectation, and I
guess the backlash on me isthat I felt like she loved my
siblings more than she loves me,because I would observe her
being nurturing and loving tothem and she wasn't being
nurturing.
So that was the first time Igot the insight into oh so you
(08:51):
knew you weren't mothering meand it was like an intentional
thing because you're like she'sbeing so helpful that I don't
want to show her love or showher nurture.
So, um, yeah, so explicitlywhile I was growing up.
No, she didn't say anything,but it was kind of felt and,
yeah, I kind of felt like I wasa live in ATM and kind of work
(09:13):
workhorse was my experience.
Mary (09:16):
Yeah, and it sounds like you sort of had this instinct
inside, like this, like there'ssomething wrong here, like, and
the overwhelm.
But you push that aside becauseyou were getting these messages
of, yeah, keep doing more ofwhat you're doing, like take
care of your mom, I think it wasmore than that.
Adaku (09:36):
I think that that played a part.
But also as a child, I wantedto be loved.
So I thought, okay, I'm doingall of these things and she's
not loving me.
Maybe if I do more.
So then that put me on thislike no-win vicious cycle of
trying to take on more and moreand more with the hopes that
I'll finally get love from mymom in the way that she shows it
to everyone else.
(09:57):
And obviously, the more I did,the more she thought okay, it's
working me not showing her love,so I'm going to not show her
love.
So, yeah, I think the child inme was craving this care and
love and nurture from my momthat I wasn't getting, and I was
trying to be the good andperfect child with the hopes
that the reward will be amother's love.
Mary (10:19):
So yeah, Isn't it funny how we set up this in our mind,
this equation of earning.
We have to earn it, earn thelove.
Adaku (10:28):
Yeah, yeah, it completely killed me.
And now that I work withfirstborn daughters it's so
interesting how it's like thefundamental pattern.
It's like I have to try hard, Ihave to work hard to prove why
I'm lovable.
It's like, no, you'reinherently lovable, you know
it's.
Yeah, it's interesting to kindof feel like love is
(10:51):
transactional.
The more I do, the more Ishould receive it back rather
than no, I just love you becauseI love you, Mm-hmm.
Mary (11:00):
Because typically, when it comes to someone in your
situation and everyone's alittle bit different, but I
think what forms that you're notkeeping score Right, if
anything, you're always feelingthe deficit, so you're working
harder and then the other sideof the equation is just not.
Adaku (11:16):
It's never going to add up there was a lot of resentment
(11:36):
there and like, um, especiallywhen the tipping scale happened
and depression hit, there was somany reasons and evidence that
I had built up as the all of thethings I've done for everyone
and no one does anything for me.
So it's, it's a score keep itin a different way.
And it's interesting because Ijust got off a coaching call now
with some firstborn daughtersand there's this vicious cycle
(11:57):
of the more I do, the more Ifeel significant.
So it's, um, so I need to dothese things.
But then I get to be righteousand complaining about it,
because then it's like, oh well,me, um, this is how I'm not
loved and therefore, if Icomplain, well, me, this is how
I'm not loved.
And therefore, if I complain,hopefully you'll feel bad.
(12:18):
And then so it becomes like alittle bit of a manipulation,
unconsciously of course, butyeah, so it's.
Mary (12:24):
Well, I like that example because I think what happens?
We don't often recognizeourselves, so there could very
well be people listeningthinking I'm a first daughter.
I don't think I do that, butyet they probably feel some of
the things.
So give us an idea how youconceptualize this idea.
What does it typically looklike?
Adaku (12:43):
if there's a typical so the when you talk about aha
moments, I had a suicide attemptwhen I was 25 and I was like,
if this is going to be my lifeexperience, feeling depressed,
I'd rather not be here becausethis is horrible.
And I couldn't see a light atthe end of the tunnel.
And a friend of my brother'sintroduced me to the coach that
(13:04):
I worked with and one of thebreakthrough moments because he
dedicated about two to six hoursa day of his time to me for
free for three months, which wasa godsend.
I'm so grateful.
And in one of our conversationshe would say like why do you
think you're depressed?
And I would have all of thesereasons, as my family take
advantage of me and they like Ihave to do everything for
(13:27):
everyone, and no one even has athought of how I feel and what
the impact is on me.
I had all the justificationsand he just said who told you
you had to do that?
So what do you mean?
Who told me I had to do that?
Of course I have to do it,because if I don't do it, who
else is going to?
Like?
Everything is going to fallapart if it wasn't for me.
And then he kept asking thesame question.
But who told you you had to dothat?
(13:48):
But who told you you had to dothat?
And eventually I heard thequestion and I was like, oh, who
told me I had to do that?
I made that decision.
When I saw my mom pulling up hersock, like no one explicitly
came to me, even if it wasimplied.
I still had agency.
I didn't have to take on thisrole and I wouldn't have been
(14:10):
put on the street if I didn'tbecome this kind of savior to my
family.
And that was the first moment Ihad to start realizing like, oh
, wow, I've trained them toexpect this from me because I've
kept continuously shown up inthis way.
And if I've shown up in thisway, then I can show up in a
different way to train them tobe otherwise.
And that's the moment that mylife started to change.
(14:32):
It wasn't easy, because therewas a lot of emotions I had to
deal with, like the thought ofsaying no felt like the hardest
thing in the world.
And when I started looking atwhy, then I started realizing oh
crap, if I don't do thesethings, like who am I and how
would they relate to me andwould they even love me and
would I have like a significancein the family.
(14:52):
And that's how I started to seelike, oh, I get a payoff from
playing this role, even thoughit's exhausted me and it's
causing me pain, it's leading todepression.
So, luckily, I was so gratefulfor having depression.
It was the biggest gift I couldhave because I didn't want that
anymore.
So I, regardless of theresistance I had to work through
(15:12):
it and then through that I wasable to take responsibility for
the part that I played in in thedynamic and start shifting that
which shifted everything else.
Mary (15:21):
So, yeah, well, you said the, the perfect thing.
That sums up these types ofsituations.
You train them, we train peoplehow to teach us or how to treat
us.
And it is interesting because Ican speak for myself.
This was me.
Now I'm the first daughterafter three brothers, so
interesting.
But I'm pretty self-sufficient.
(15:43):
And I think then the narrative.
I want to talk more aboutnarratives too, but I think the
narrative became I have to takecare of myself.
Nobody's going to take care ofme.
And the more I did that, theless people offered.
And then one day I'm like whycan't people see?
And it was like light bulb,like you keep telling them
you're fine.
So that was very pivotal.
(16:06):
So how has it been for you?
Or especially when you firstrealized this, how was it for
you to really start that shift?
Adaku (16:20):
There's so many, I'm still doing it.
I don't think there's alwayslayers of it.
Right, you start the shift.
But the same thing in relationto I was looking at people.
I'm like there are some peoplewho just have everyone show up
for them, naturally.
What's the difference betweenthem and me?
And, like you said, thedifference between them and me
and, like you said, thedifference between them and me
is that they are vulnerable.
They are like I haven't gotthis figured out.
I'm struggling, help me,they'll cry with me.
(16:41):
I'm like I gotta be strong.
I can't cry, I can't show myweakness and I'm like, oh, like,
I'm not giving.
And another pivotal moment andaha moment I had was a friend of
mine said to me you're reallyhard to love and I said why that
like I'm, that makes me feelhorrible.
Yeah, and she said you do somuch for me and I don't know how
(17:03):
to do anything for you, and Iwas like that makes me hard to
love.
I thought that would be easy,you know, and I started
realizing the the same job.
When I'm not exhausted andcoming from a glass that's empty
, when I give to others and dothings for others, I do feel
really good and I'm robbingpeople of the opportunity to do
that for me.
And I didn't think of it likethat, you know.
(17:25):
And I was in a relationshipbefore my breakdown and we were
due to get married and he keptsaying to me you don't need me,
you don't need me.
And I was like why is that aproblem?
And you know, I think that'skind of those two situations
that I didn't change immediately.
But then, also, seeing thatI've trained people to like take
(17:47):
, take, take, I had to learn howto receive.
And that's so uncomfortablewhen all of your life you've
kind of created your identity asbeing the giver.
It's like, firstly, beingvulnerable is scary and it takes
a lot of courage.
So I was talking to my clientsbefore this call about this
(18:08):
illusion that firstborndaughters have of being strong,
which is like creating an imagethat we have everything together
and the real strength is beingbrave enough to say we don't
have anything, everythingtogether and and allow people to
help us.
But if we've created aassociation with being in need,
with being weak, it's like it'searth shattering to our
(18:30):
existence, to sort of step intoit.
But I'm like I want to receive,so I really had to.
There was a situation,circumstances.
Sorry, I feel like I'm going tolots of different places, but
hopefully it makes sense.
In 2017, my mom died and thatwas a year after I walked away
from my business and I hadn'thad that much time on my hands
(18:55):
for a year and I spent all of mymoney.
Really, it's really easy tospend a lot of money really
quickly so I became broke.
My mom died.
I had to become legal guardianto my little brothers.
One of them was in prison, theothers because my mom was in a
council house, which isgovernment um housing.
They were threatening to makethem homeless and they were 14,
(19:18):
17 and 19 at the time becausethen her name, their name,
wasn't on the lease and I'm likeyou can't do that.
So I went straight into fix itmode, which is what I do.
So I was like I was fightingthe council to keep them in the
house.
I was fighting the socialworkers to not put them in the
system and to give meguardianship.
I didn't have money, so I hadto read on law and pull on my
(19:39):
network to try and help me.
So I didn't have the capacityof time to work.
My youngest brother, 14, washaving behavioral issues and
like being really destructive ina behavioral unit.
He was kicked out of schoolthree years prior, so I was back
and forth with the schooltrying to sort out his care and
(20:01):
I was just like I can't affordto sustain myself.
I'm not eligible for any um,any government assistance,
because I had a property andthey said sell the property and
live off that and I was like Idon't really want to do that.
So I had to ask.
For the first time in my life Iwent to my um and I kind of
said maybe this is God's way ofputting me in a situation where
(20:21):
because I would happily gowithout food I'd done it growing
up.
I can do that, you know, Idon't mind.
But now I was caring for mylittle brothers and I was like I
I need help to help them.
So I had to ask my mentor, Ihad to ask friends and everyone
showed up for me and I was likeokay, I want to make this a
(20:44):
pattern and a habit of just evenif it's small things like help
with my bag, to learn how totrain myself to be okay in the
receiving, so that I can startbuilding reciprocity.
Otherwise I'm just going tokeep creating relationships
where I'm the giver and I'm notgetting anything back, and then
I'm resentful for it.
It's like now, with awareness.
It sounded silly, so it waslike, okay, I don't want to keep
doing this, what can I do tostart making it?
(21:04):
And that was the moment thatthat journey started, in terms
of learning how to receive aswell as give.
Mary (21:12):
Well, and isn't it interesting that you got
permission because you reallyneeded to do it to take care of
your brothers.
Adaku (21:18):
Yeah, it needed to be justified.
Mary (21:20):
Yeah, but then you generalized it to the bigger
thing and I think this idea ofbeing strong, we don't need
anybody but we really do thevulnerability also comes with.
You had been let down.
You did need something as achild.
I mean, as a child you neededsomething that you didn't get.
And I think there's also thatfear of if I reach out and
(21:45):
someone doesn't respond, it'sbecause they don't care, they
don't love.
So that leads into theselimiting narratives and I talk
about this all the time, but itoccurred to me one day.
I wonder if people don't knowwhat a limiting narrative is.
We have them, but they're likethere's buried irrational
beliefs.
So can you give an example ofmaybe somebody you've worked
(22:09):
with or your own life, whateverlike a limiting narrative and
how that plays out not only inthe unhealthy ways, but how,
when you switch that around, youcan really grow into more of
your full potential?
Adaku (22:26):
So a client right now is working with a narrative that
she's struggling to let go of,and her narrative is I'm not
lovable unless I'm broken.
So how that manifests for herbecause she's a firstborn
daughter.
So it's this, it's, it's weird,weird paradox.
She's the high achieving,successful, seemingly, has it
(22:51):
all together, but at the sametime she will create these
little explosions in her life sothat her dad shows up for her
or she gets to lean on and it'sinteresting on male friends,
because she has a fundamentalbelief that her dad doesn't love
her because he didn't show upas the dad that she thought he
should be.
But through the work we've donetogether, there's so many ways
(23:13):
that he expresses the love it'sjust not the way that she needs
to express.
So she's created this thingthat she will never be able to
find a man and get married ifshe is fully healed and coming
from a wholesome place.
So she has to stay broken.
So no matter how.
So she's in the container ofdoing work, but she just keeps
(23:35):
sabotaging, sabotaging,sabotaging, in order for her to
stay safe.
That as long as she needsrescuing at some level, she's
going to be loved.
You know, and and the the flipside of that is well, she hasn't
got to the flip side yet.
She's okay.
So, in terms of my case, what isa narrative that was limiting
(23:57):
me and transformed narrativethat was limiting me financially
?
So when I ran out of money inmy business, when I left my
business, I questioned myselfwhy is it that even when I had
my business, I'd make loads ofmoney and I'd lose it?
And I make loads of money andI'd lose it?
And I was like why do I keephaving this yo-yo relationship
with money?
(24:18):
And I realized that my and Irealized that my need to be
everything to my family meantthat when I had money, the
amount of demands that came tome were like heightened.
So, because I didn't know, Ifelt so guilty saying no.
I had a valid reason where it'slike I don't have any money.
It's not because I don't wantto, you know, I just don't have
(24:39):
any money.
So I needed to create scarcityto give myself a break from
solving everyone else's problems, which logically sounds
ridiculous.
But it's like if I have money,I will be.
Um, I will just be seen as this, like human ATM that is
constantly kind of needing to beat the beck and call of
(25:01):
everyone.
So when I changed that narrativeto oh, I'm in full control of
my abundance and I can choosewhen I help and I can choose
when I don't, wasn't easy.
But I started saying no, it'slike I don't have the capacity
right now.
When I do, I will.
And as I started doing that,started realizing my finances
started to stabilize and evenincrease.
(25:22):
So that's how I was able totake a narrative that I had and
see the dynamic it was creatingand choose that.
I didn't want to continue tocreate that and then take on,
adopt a new narrative thatserved me better.
Mary (25:38):
Isn't it crazy, all the complexities and the layers that
you have to peel back to reallyunderstand yourself.
It's fascinating, it is.
Adaku (25:48):
It is, but I think that's the joy of being a human.
Well, when you're not in thepain obviously when you're thick
of the pain it's like, oh mygosh, why do I have to go
through this?
But then, at the same time,it's like I really created that.
Why would I do that to myself?
And being able to see like ourminds are really trying to work
in our best interest.
(26:09):
But it only has the data fromthe past to go by.
So, as our adult selves, wealmost have to reparent
ourselves into taking on, to notthinking that there's danger
everywhere and taking on newperspectives and showing up in
new ways in life.
But yeah, it's a never-endingjourney and for some people it
can be exhausting.
I find it fun and exhilaratingto figure out the next blind
(26:32):
spot and the next edge.
And yeah, it's always greatstuff on the other side.
Mary (26:38):
Well, one of the steps in your journey which is so
intriguing.
We tend to equate success withhow much money we make right,
and if I only had more money.
You were doing really well atone point in a business and you
basically walked away and wentsort of on a retreat.
Can you talk a little about howyou knew this was the step and
(27:00):
kind of why you did that?
Adaku (27:09):
step and kind of why you did that.
Well, a lot of the I don'tthink I knew who I was.
From that moment of, I think,being eight or nine and having
the situation with my mom all ofmy decisions were based around
am I a good role model for mysiblings?
Am I showing up for my, myparents, how can I make more
money?
I think I was earning sixfigures by the age of 22 after I
graduated, a year after Igraduated uni, because
(27:29):
everything was around makingmoney to give it away.
And when I was in the fourthyear of my business, it had got
to seven figures and it was atthe peak of its growth.
So everyone around me wasexcited.
My mentor was like you just gotto double down and everyone was
like I'm not feeling the sameexcitement that you guys are
feeling.
And my team noticed that therewas something wrong, cause I
(27:54):
come in and I'd be like you guysdo whatever you want, like I'm
not really bothered and I gohome.
And what I didn't realize atthe time, that I realized when I
decided to go away.
So one thing I appreciate mymom for is that she introduced
us all to meditation when I wasreally young after we moved to
the UK.
So we used to meditate all ofthe time and she would say
whenever you have a query, turnwithin.
(28:15):
And that became like a habit.
So for a period of six months Iwas really disillusioned with
the business.
I didn't have any motivationand I would say to her
everyone's telling me this is aphase, but the phase isn't
stopping.
I've been like this for sixmonths.
What's going on?
And she said why are youlistening to everyone?
Why don't the world?
Picked one that looked good ontheir website and decided to buy
(28:52):
a ticket for a month to go toIndia to an Osho meditation
retreat.
I didn't know who Osho was atthe time.
It was funny.
When I got to Delhi for myconnecting flight, they asked me
where I was going and I toldthem and the immigration officer
was like you know, it's like anorgy ashram.
I was like what, what?
Mary (29:08):
did I sign up to?
Adaku (29:09):
it wasn't.
It wasn't, but he scared me.
I think they had a reputationin the past.
But, um, so I went without myphone, without my laptop, just
closed the world off and while Iwas there, it through meditate.
I think I was meditating six,meditating six to eight hours a
day, and when I wasn'tmeditating, I was doing arts and
crafts.
And I got to play again for thefirst time in a very long time.
(29:31):
And through that play Irealized oh my gosh, I have been
working since I was eight yearsold and I haven't stopped.
And the reason I've lost mymotivation for the business is
because my siblings aregraduating and getting their own
jobs and doing things, so thepressure to provide for everyone
(29:51):
is dying.
And if my why is external to me, then like I'm just, I don't
have any purpose.
I need to figure out who I amLike.
What do I even like doing?
I don't.
I don't know how to answer that.
So that's when I came back andI was like I'm shutting the
business down.
Everyone was like what are youdoing?
You've lost your mind.
And my mentor actually asked meto get a psychic evaluation
(30:11):
because he thought I had falleninto depression again.
And I got a psychic evaluation.
I was fine and he was like no,something has to be wrong.
And I'm like, yeah, what'swrong is that I haven't been
living my life for me and now Ihave the opportunity to.
So that's how I decided to kindof leave a perfectly successful
business to go and figure outwho am I and what do I need to
(30:32):
be doing.
Mary (30:34):
And that silence.
Where do we have that in theworld?
I mean, isn't it funny?
You had to travel to India tofind a place where not only
could you have it, but it wasacceptable, it was supposed to
happen.
If we try to do that in ourworld here, it's like what are
you doing?
What's wrong with you?
Why aren't you?
You know it's that fear,missing out or other people's
(30:56):
expectations, but sometimes youjust have to quiet all the stuff
to really hear what your owntruth is.
You do.
Adaku (31:05):
You do.
It is hard, I think, also beingin an environment where
everyone calls on you, because Idon't think that I stopped
being the point of contact foreverything for my family until I
moved to Mexico during thepandemic.
So I think I kind ofsubconsciously knew that the
only way that I would truly getthe space to.
(31:26):
I told no one knew where I wasgoing except for my assistant
and I told her don't tell anyoneunless it's life or death.
And my dad made up someemergency to like get her to
give him number, and he ended upcalling that and I was like how
did you figure out?
It was like I told your, yourassistant, that I was in
hospital.
I was just like, oh, my gosh,yeah, so, um, but yeah, it's
(31:47):
really important to be able tokind of take that time to
connect with yourself and hear.
I think it's really easy to kindof push through our emotions
and push through our thoughtsand do what we're supposed to do
.
We miss like the little signsthat our intuition or our inner
child or like our needs aresaying hey, we need you to slow
(32:10):
down or hey, we need you to stop, and maybe this direction isn't
for you anymore.
And it's a little scary becauseyou start, we create things and
when they're successful,sometimes we attach our identity
to it.
So a lot of people don'tactually want to hear it because
it's like I'm going to have tolet go of all of this.
Who am I?
How are people going to see me?
And we get so attached to a wayof being that it becomes a
(32:38):
little confronting to stop andto hear our truth and to act on
that truth.
Mary (32:49):
Well and I think it's interesting because I work a lot
with systems theory that whenone part of the system changes,
the system doesn't like that.
So your dad this shows how hardit is to change things because
he went so above and beyond tokind of get you back in that
pattern, get you re-engaged inwhat was important to him.
Adaku (33:06):
Yeah, yeah, they did.
Even after I came out ofdepression and I was living with
my mom and I was a partner of arecruitment business and I was
given an ultimatum and I left,and so I didn't have a job.
I ended my relationship.
And I was given an ultimatumand I left, and so I didn't have
a job.
I ended my relationship.
I moved in with my mom and Irealized I need to be away from
(33:30):
my mom to change, because shepulls me back into that dynamic
and triggers me.
And then I start shouting ather.
It was just not healthy.
But I had nowhere to go.
So I actually moved into my carand I convinced the housing the
government housing to give me aone bedroom place.
And when I was there, I didn'ttell anyone where I lived.
And they harassed my friends.
(33:50):
They would not.
I was like I just, it's nothingto do with them, I just need
the time.
And my friends were like your,your, your family are telling me
that I'm a bad person and howcan I hold this secret?
And I'm like, please, just dothis for me.
And eventually they caved.
And then my mom showed upoutside my house one day and she
just kept knocking and you know, so they.
I think again, it's like whenyou make yourself indispensable,
(34:13):
people need you to stay as youare.
Even the process of changingand trying to retrain them it
caused a whole lot of anger andresentment and there was a lot
of backlash and I had to reallydig deep to hold on to like I
know why I'm doing this for meand for them, because I'm not
(34:35):
allowing my siblings to realizethat they're capable, because
I'm taking that away from themby doing everything you know.
So it's like, even though thishurts, they're capable because
I'm taking that away from themby doing everything you know.
So it's like, even though thishurts, so, yeah, your
environment and therelationships that have known
you to be one way but come thekind of a Kibbe's hill to your
evolution because they need youto be that way for them to feel
(34:55):
safe, or because they feel safein the familiar, whether the
familiar is working or not.
So yes, it's difficult.
Yeah, it's really difficult andsometimes it feels easier to
just go back to it, but I thinkyou knew there was too much at
stake to do that If I didn'tfall into depression, I would
have been easily pulled back inLike I needed something to
(35:16):
really, really hurt for me tosay, even though this is painful
, I know that there's a painthat I don't want to feel.
Mary (35:22):
That's a result of keeping things the way they are, so
yeah, you mentioned the wordgratitude, and so I've asked
several guests if you could goback and change something or do
something different.
Almost 100% of the time theysay I wouldn't change anything.
How do you feel about thatquestion?
Adaku (35:45):
anything.
How do you feel about thatquestion?
Yeah, it's tough because I saidsomething earlier about coming
to the realization that a lot ofthe things I like about myself
now and we'll go as far as tosay love, because this has been
a journey of learning to lovemyself I wouldn't have those
attributes had it not been formy circumstances.
I wouldn't have thoseattributes had it not been for
(36:06):
my circumstances.
But yeah, I would have preferrednot to go without food and to
have to walk to school and becold and have holes in my shoes
and my brother'd steal mytrainers because he ruined his
with sports and yeah, all ofthose things.
Ideally I would not have them,but it's so interesting because
I'm partnered with one of myclients on a recovery business
(36:31):
and a lot of the clients thatcome through are from really
well-off families and they hadtwo-parent households and they
had a lot of money but they'veturned to drugs because they
feel like they don't haveconfidence in anything that they
can do.
And it's like I'm not afraid ofnot having because I've not had
(36:51):
so many times and madesomething out of nothing that
it's kind of made me comfortablewith taking risks, because I
believe in my capability,because I've had that.
So if I had everything given tome, I wouldn't have that same
confidence, you know.
So it's difficult because, yes,in hindsight, I don't think a
child should go through that andI wouldn't want to put a child
(37:12):
through that and then I wouldn'tbe who I am had I not gone
through that.
So, yeah, it's hard.
Mary (37:19):
It's hard, yeah, and I feel like that is an aspect of
true healing when people get toa point where they can look at
it with gratitude.
You know you got to really hearfrom your mom.
I mean, I'm guessing there wassome understanding when she said
to you I didn't nurture you forwhatever.
If we can say, wow, that'sbackward for a mom or whatever
(37:42):
she in her own way, we can seethat as adults.
We see our parents how theystruggle, just as people.
But I feel like when people cantruly sit and say I feel
gratitude, that is like truehealing.
So the other thing that I thinkwe make the mistake of is we
see somebody like you that youknow your website is beautiful,
(38:06):
what you're doing is beautiful,your message is beautiful, and I
think we can be like, oh, Icould never be that, and we
think it's this linear, likeyou've arrived now.
So what do you still?
What is still hard for you?
What do you still struggle with?
Adaku (38:20):
Hmm, Good question.
What am I working on right now?
So, one of the the key thingsthat so I?
I always say that there'slayers to everything, um, so I
had an incident in tulum, um,four months ago.
(38:43):
So I have fibroids and I livein a very um, spiritual town.
So my masseuse gives me amassage and says, oh, your kasha
crackle says this and says thatlike every everyone's giving me
readings from all over theplace, and every time I've gone
to two different healers forother things and they touched my
(39:03):
fibroids and they said to me,oh, you had some sexual trauma
in your life.
And I was like, no, I haven't.
Um, and they were like, maybein your ancestry or in your
lineage, but you're carryingthis sexual trauma.
I haven't been sexuallyassaulted.
And then I, on four months ago,I was on a scooter and I usually
get home by 10 o'clock but Imet a friend I hadn't seen in a
(39:26):
while and we talked until like11.
I was like, oh my gosh, I gottago.
So I got on my scooter andsomeone actually followed me and
they ended up like groping mythighs as I was driving and it
shook me up.
But again, lesson in disguise,because I got home and I tried
to calm myself down.
I closed my eyes to breathe andI had this almost like movie
(39:48):
reel of all of the compromisingsituations I've been in from a
young age when I have been in,from a young age where I have
been objectified and I wasactually raped after my mom died
and my brain, I guess in orderto cope because I had to look
after my siblings pushed it tothe side.
So I was like, oh my gosh, Ididn't see that.
And as I started working throughit, the thing that I tied
(40:11):
together was I had a call withsome friends of mine who are
really kind of passionatefeminists and to me it every
time I hear them speak about men, it sounds like they hate men
and it frustrates me and I'mlike you guys want to be in a
relationship but you hate men.
Like how, how is this gonnawork?
(40:31):
You know, like you're, you'renot into women.
So at some point and I'm likewhy?
And the friend of mine, beforeI got on my scooter, she sent me
a message and she said I noticehow you get triggered every
time we speak about our feed.
It's about the patriarchy and,seeing as you're the one that's
triggered, you might want tolook into what's coming up for
(40:51):
you, and I was like I'm gratefulfor Thank you.
So, as I was replaying all ofthese situations, I was like, oh
my gosh, I have a fundamentalmistrust of men and in hearing
their feelings about thepatriarchy, it triggers the
fundamental mistrust of men thatI had no conscious awareness of
(41:11):
.
So I thought I was reacting tothem, but I was reacting to
myself, because I'm single rightnow and if I mistrust men, how
am I going to be able to attractsomeone into my life?
So I was like let's extrapolatethat I don't think I trust
anyone to fully hold space forme, because I've been taking
care of myself for so long andeven though I've learned to
(41:32):
receive, I think there's stillan undercurrent of like I'm in
this alone and I know that I canguarantee and rely on me and
I'm never going to let myselfdown.
But to really truly surrenderto someone else I don't know.
So that's the thing that I'vebeen working on, because I'm
like in order to.
I have a vision of growing acommunity of a hundred thousand
(41:55):
firstborn daughters globally andI can't do that just on my back
.
I'm going to wear myself out.
I'm going to need to build ateam and be able to create
community and not be such aloner.
So I'm like this is going tohave a ripple effect in every
area and I've been doing somework to look at where that
started and one of the thingsthat came down was a forgiveness
(42:16):
exercise that I did because mydad wasn't in my life between
the age of 8 and 25.
So I started realizing thatthere are certain things I'm
still holding onto and blamingmy parents for.
So I'm not playful because mymom made me grow up early.
I get to choose who I am inthis moment Like, why am I
(42:36):
carrying that into now?
So I started seeing all ofthese things that I hold on to
as evidence why I shouldn'ttrust people.
And now I'm working on lettinggo of those things, one at a
time, and stepping into theattributes that I say I can't
have because of those thingsthat happened in the past, so
that I can create evidence thatI can have them regardless of
(42:56):
that and that will allow me toforgive and truly open up at
this new level.
Mary (43:02):
So that's what.
Adaku (43:04):
I'm currently working on.
Mary (43:05):
Oh, that's a big one, you know, and I do say very often
that life taps us on theshoulder and if we don't listen
then it starts to like nudge.
And isn't it interesting thatthese people that you trust that
are, you know, because our bodykeeps the score, like it we're
holding it somewhere, and itwasn't until life did that next
(43:25):
thing that you were like holycrap.
Like there it is.
Yeah, I would prefer to notlearn from extreme pain?
Adaku (43:32):
But apparently not.
I keep like things blow fromextreme pain.
I know my lesson, butapparently not.
I keep like letting things blowup and I'm like, okay, all
right, I'm paying attention, youknow, but it's so true, it's um
.
I always say when people arelike, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry
you were depressed and you had,I was like, don't be like, I
needed that.
It's almost like I was askingGod like why is why things so
hard?
Why are things like this?
(43:53):
And I wasn't listening to whatI was asking God like why is why
are things so hard?
Why are things like this?
And I wasn't listening to whatI was being told.
And it's almost like I kind ofsee it as God's hand lifting me
up and throwing me against thewall for me to be like okay, I
let go of anything that Ithought I was right on, I'm open
to anything else.
And that's when, like, all ofthe answers started coming
through and, even with this, Ijust immediately dismissed the
whole.
I was like I don't have anyrecollection of any sexual
(44:14):
trauma.
Rather than being curious andbeing like do I?
And maybe like there'ssomething that I need to look at
, I was just like no, that's notme, you guys are picking up
your, your antennas are broken,you're picking something else
from.
But then I had to have thatsituation happen to me, like, oh
, I have plenty of situations inmy life that I completely
forgot.
So, yeah, I'm grateful, but yeah, it's just there's, there's a
(44:36):
gift in I guess.
It's how you go through life,right, because some people go
through and it's kind of likeI've.
I feel so angry and I feel sohurt for everything that's
happened to me and that's fairand that's a valid feeling, like
you're entitled to your feeling.
And there's a flip side of okay, these things have happened to
me and what can I see I'vegained from them and what have
(44:59):
they opened up for me.
I think that's just a lighterway of living life and I haven't
always been here, so don't letme sound like an enlightened
guru.
I am not.
I was very angry and veryresentful and very.
It took me a while of doingwork consistently to be like oh
my gosh, life is so beautifuland we get to recreate ourselves
(45:20):
over and over and over againand life always reflects who we
are to us.
Mary (45:25):
Yeah, and I, just one of my little, I do mini episodes
that are just solos, episodesthat are just solos.
And the one that I did for, Iguess, September was try to
shift from why is this happeningto me to what can I learn from
this.
And it's so powerful becauselife happens through us.
(45:45):
It doesn't happen to us, but wecan feel like it's just
happening to us and we are outof control.
But once you can slow down andreally just let it be curious,
let it be there, like you usethe word curiosity but it's
scary, Like why would you wantto think that happened to you?
So until your brain was readyand the world pushed you, then
(46:06):
you were like, oh yeah, there itis.
Adaku (46:10):
Yeah, yeah, life is funny .
Yeah, yeah, life is is funny.
But, um, yeah, I wish for other.
I always wish that I could havethis potion to give everyone
what I now have.
Like the one of the mostpainful things is seeing other
people in pain and then thinkingthey're powerless in their pain
.
It breaks my heart.
I always get emotional when Ithink about it and I'm like I
(46:31):
wish you could see how muchpower you had to like change in
your whole experience.
And it's something as simple,even though it's hard, as a
mindset shift in terms of how werelate to life makes such a big
difference to our experienceand the results that we create.
And, yes, it's beautiful.
Mary (46:51):
Yeah Well, I think that's a great spot to end on.
So I know you have wonderfulthings that you offer to the
world, so can you tell us alittle bit about what you offer
and where to find you?
Adaku (47:01):
Okay, well, the thing I'm working on right now is a
community that I've launched forfirstborn daughters
specifically who areentrepreneurs and executives,
specifically who areentrepreneurs and executives,
and I basically have developed amethodology to help them heal
those firstborn daughterpatterns that are limiting them,
so that they can have a lotmore success, a lot more
(47:24):
abundance, with a lot more easeand gentleness and allow
themselves to like, not feelthey have to work hard, so just
allow things to flow into them.
So, yeah, yeah, that's that'sthe thing that I'm working on.
My website is wwwhealedherocom,because I think firstborn
daughters are heroes in otherpeople's lives and, um, I'm on
(47:46):
all social media.
I need to get better at posting.
I'm working on that, but theycan.
My name is pretty much it.
I think it on instagram isadagliembagu underscore, I think
, um, or adagli underscoreembagu.
That shows you how much I'm onit.
Mary (48:01):
I don't even know my handle it's okay, it'll all be
linked in the show notes, sothank you.
Well, this has been delightful.
I think you have a beautifulspirit and I really appreciate
that you were here with me today.
Adaku (48:16):
Likewise, I appreciate you having me.
Mary (48:18):
I think this has been one of my favorite conversations, so
thank you, thank you, thank you, and I want to thank everyone
for listening.
Listener feedback is one of thethings that helps podcasts get
found by other listeners, soplease take a minute to scroll
to the bottom of the show andgive a quick rating, or, if you
have a couple minutes, pleasecomment, because I love to hear
(48:39):
from my listeners.
And until next time, go outinto the world and be the
amazing, resilient, vibrantviolet that you are.
Thank you.
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