Self-Knowledge, Willpower, And Everyday Contentment

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What if the pursuit of happiness is leading you away from the life you actually want? We dig into a kinder, sturdier target—equilibrium—and show how to build it through three practical pillars inspired by Arthur C. Brooks’s take on Thomas Aquinas and grounded in lived experience. Instead of chasing constant highs, we lay out a simple framework for steady days: know yourself, focus your passions, and train willpower like a muscle.

We start by mapping real routines and frictions. If the gym detour never happens, move the workout into your flow. If washed fruit keeps you on track, prep it once and make the better choice the easy choice. We talk about solitude as fuel, the subtle signals of being off balance, and how mindfulness, prayer, or therapy can turn vague discomfort into clear, actionable insight. Then we pivot to passion without burnout: pruning inputs, picking one priority, and choosing a small repeating action that compounds into identity.

Finally, we reframe willpower from a moral test to a trainable skill. Pre-decide your defaults, use environmental cues, and practice progressive resistance—choices that get easier only when your capacity grows. Expect joy to come in flashes and let contentment carry the rest. By the end, you’ll have a compact, human plan for the new year that rejects grand overhauls in favor of honest, sustainable habits that fit your real life.

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Episode Transcript

Mary (00:00):
Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
So I came across a link to anarticle today by Arthur C.
Brooks.
He writes for The Atlantic.
And he wrote How to Be Happylike Thomas Aquinas.
Now I don't know what date is onthis article.
It could have been written quitea while ago.

(00:21):
But Thomas Aquinas was a13th-century theologian.
And I was interested in readingthis because I love the book,
The Art of Happiness, which isbased on the Dalai Lama's ideas.
It was written by a psychologistwho kind of translated.
But I think this idea ofhappiness is interesting to me

(00:44):
because I love language and Ilike the words that we use for
things because I think they havea lot of power.
So many of us, I think, strivefor happiness.
But I feel like happiness isfleeting.
We can't always feel happybecause we have a range of

(01:08):
emotions.
We're supposed to have a rangeof emotions as humans.
So I tend to strive to feelequilibrium or content.
I mean, they're more kind ofscientific words, but to have a
sense of being grounded, ofbeing able to kind of ride out
the times where maybe somethingisn't going well, or you're

(01:28):
actually not feeling happy orcontent to get back to that
equilibrium.
So I wanted to go over just thethree highlights that Arthur C.
Brooks talks about that he sumsup in this article.
And it's something that wealready know, but I think
pulling it all together,especially right now, because I

(01:51):
think we're all thinking aboutthe new year and whether you set
a resolution or not, newbeginnings are seductive because
it makes us want to be betteroften.
So he talks first of all aboutknowing yourself.
So he says that knowledge ispower.

(02:13):
We all know ourselves, butsometimes I think we can fall
into the trap of thinking, well,I'm going to do it differently
this time.
And probably weaving throughthis today, I'm going to be
talking about the idea of maybeexercise or movement.
So I can tell you for me that ifsomething doesn't already fit

(02:34):
into my daily plan, it's notgoing to happen.
So even when I was sort of, Iwould call it a gym rat, I went
to the gym a lot when I wasyounger.
If it wasn't on my way home fromwork, it would be very difficult
for me to go out of my way, addtime to my day after work to do

(02:54):
that.
Sometimes I think I need tostart getting up earlier.
I already get up about 5 a.m.
often or 5 30.
So to get up earlier, especiallyin the winter, to think I'm
going to go out and take a walk,I need to be realistic about
that.
I love to do the rowing machine.
I know that.
So we got a rowing machine.
I don't love the treadmill.

(03:15):
I think we all sort of havetendencies.
So I think knowing yourself, andthis is for anything.
I think it is for food, youknow, buying food that you're
going to use, knowing that youhave to cut up those whatever it
is, clean the celery, cut it up,have it ready to just grab from

(03:36):
the refrigerator, because we canalways find a reason to not feel
like cleaning the strawberriesor, you know, um cutting
anything up, cutting up a melon.
I love cantaloupe, but I oftenam like, oh gosh, I don't want
to take the time to cut it up.
So if I just do it all at once,then it's all done.
So understand what your habitsare.

(03:56):
Understand what drives you, whatare your emotional tendencies?
And I think the other part ofthe emotional tendency is
figuring out what knocks you offbalance.
So I talked about contentmentand balance.
Are there situations that makeyou feel unsettled or you have a

(04:16):
somatic or a body response toit?
So I can tell you for me, andespecially coming out of very
busy holiday season, if I don'tget enough time to myself to
have solitude, to just kind ofnot have to really think about
anything, anyone else, or havehave something that I have to
do.
If I am really off balance,having a day where I can just

(04:40):
decide what I want to do as theday goes, or I prioritize one
special thing for myself, orjust have some time alone with a
book, that gets me back to thatequilibrium.
And to me, that's happinessbecause I feel content and I
feel calmer.
So if you struggle to knowyourself, then you may need some

(05:00):
reflection time.
And I think mindfulness is goodfor that.
When you're feeling something,be curious about it, sit with it
and think what is happeningright now that might have me off
balance.
And some people use prayer forthat.
Some people go to therapy tolearn more about themselves.
So maybe that is something asyou're thinking about a new
beginning, if that's your jam,you can think about what do you

(05:23):
want to do to deepen thatself-knowledge and to really
accept that that is who you are.
If there are just some thingsyou don't feel like doing, you
can overcome that for sure.
But thinking you're going tochange five huge habits all at
once is probably going to be arecipe for defeat.

(05:44):
So I think being, you know,being realistic about that.
And then thinking about what areyour passions?
Because not all passions areequal.
So I love to learn.
Um, sometimes I overdo it.
Like I will subscribe to allkinds of things, and then I
don't have time.
I want to learn Spanish and Iwant to take this course and I
want to take that course.

(06:05):
So I think being aware of whatyour passions are, if you love
watching certain shows,overdoing it is binge watching.
So I think being aware of whatyour passions are and leaning
into that, but figuring out whatdo you want to focus on and
start with one small thing,start with an action step.

(06:27):
So knowing yourself, reallyunderstanding your passions, and
knowing what you want toprioritize.
And the third thing is usingyour willpower for change.
That's how, that's how um ArthurBrooks puts it.
You need to strengthenwillpower.
So we all have it.
And I think sometimes we justsort of give in to something we

(06:51):
want.
And I don't think that's a badthing, but I can tell you that
the more you use your willpower,the stronger it gets.
So, an example is at one point Iwas really focused on trying to
make some changes to my dietbecause I was getting a lot of
headaches.
And so I made those changes andI got to the point where I

(07:14):
wasn't tempted at all if someonebrought in, say, cupcakes to
work.
Like that didn't even tempt me,or we would have staff meetings
and people would bring a lot ofcookies and you know, that kind
of stuff.
I didn't even entertain thethought of it.
It wasn't even that I had to umreally talk myself out of it.

(07:35):
But when I did have times whereI felt like, oh, I would love to
have a cookie right now, I atethe cookie or I ate a couple
bites of the cookie and I threwthe rest away because I just
wanted, I just wanted the taste.
It tastes good.
But my point there is it's likelifting weights.
If you try to start out umcurling, doing a bicep curl with

(07:58):
25 pounds, that's probably notgoing to work unless you're
already pretty strong.
But if you do it repeatedly,then you'll be able to do it
eventually without thinkingabout it, without struggling.
And that's how willpower is.
I think the more that you areable to make the choice you want
to based on the two things wealready talked about, knowing

(08:21):
yourself and knowing whichpassions you want to build or
prioritize, and you stay asconsistent as you can with that,
you're going to build thatwillpower.
And those things are not goingto feel as hard anymore because
you will have strengthened that.
So I just thought that was areally timely article.

(08:43):
And that is one theme.
Like I said, I love the idea ofhappiness.
Martin Seligman studiedhappiness, what makes us happy.
But again, I like to think morein terms of equilibrium or
contentment.
That's something I think we canstrive for every day.
Joy comes in moments.
We can't really sustain.

(09:03):
That's like a high level.
It's like happiness on steroids.
So look for the joy.
But I think striving forcontentment and just feeling
overall like your life is goingwell and recognizing that it's
not a straight line.
It's not always going to beperfect.
But thinking about who are you?
You know, know yourself andreally be honest with yourself.

(09:27):
Dive into ways to learn moreabout yourself if you feel like
you need to do that.
Really focus on what do you wantto build?
What are your passions?
And then figure out how you'regoing to build your willpower
with small habits.
So hopefully that's a littlefood for thought as we go into
the new year.

(09:47):
And until next time, go out intothe world and be the amazing,
resilient, vibrant violet thatyou are.