The Five Basic Needs: Understanding Choices to Improve Relationships

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Big life changes have a way of exposing what we value most. As we prepare to sell our home and head into the city, I found myself leaning on a simple, sturdy framework to keep conversations clear and compassionate: five core needs that shape almost every choice we make—safety and security, belonging, achievement, joy, and freedom.

I walk through each need in plain language and show how it plays out in real decisions. Safety looks like planning and risk control; belonging sounds like peacemaking and connection; achievement wants progress and visible results; joy seeks grounded delight in everyday moments; freedom prioritizes choice, autonomy, and space. Each need offers a strength and carries a shadow. When we understand the driver beneath a behavior, we stop arguing about the surface issue and start solving for what really matters.

I share practical ways to spot needs at work, translate puzzling behavior into clear motivation, and make offers that meet people where they are: build the plan for safety, create regular touchpoints for belonging, hand off ownership for achievement, design small rituals for joy, and keep options open for freedom. By naming your top two needs and recognizing those of the people around you, you create a shared language that lowers defensiveness, reduces conflict, and invites real collaboration.

If this lens helps you navigate your next hard conversation or big decision, share the episode with a friend who could use it. Subscribe for more thoughtful minis, leave a quick review to help others find the show, and tell me: which two needs drive you most right now?

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Episode Transcript

Mary (00:00):
Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
First, I want to let you knowthat starting with this new
second season, I will be goingback temporarily to having guest
episodes only on Thursdays withperiodic Tuesday bonus episodes.
Of course, you can still find mehere for minis on Monday.

(00:21):
But we just have quite a fewlife situations we're navigating
at the beginning of this year.
So until those settle out, Ineed to downshift my episode
strategy.
All right, so I'm going to talkto you today about some concepts
from choice theory.
And I've talked about choicetheory in different ways before,
but something brought this totop of mind recently.

(00:44):
Because in choice theory, thereare concepts of basic needs.
So five basic needs, whichinform how we kind of interact
with our world.
And these are kind of similar toMaslow's hierarchy, if you
remember that from Psych 101,which starts with like survival

(01:07):
needs and goes up throughself-actualization.
So these are very similar.
I don't know, it feels likeWilliam Glasser maybe ripped
that off a little bit.
But I find these to beespecially helpful as a
framework when I'm interactingin a relationship or when I need
to understand someone else'smotivation.

(01:30):
Of course, they help tounderstand your own motivation.
It's very helpful to have aframework for that.
But I think, especially in aclose relationship or maybe in a
work relationship wheresomebody's doing something and
it's very contrary to what youmight do, it can help to think
about it as a way that they aretrying to get a main need that

(01:56):
they have.
So it came up for me because myhusband and I were talking about
moving, because we're going tobe selling our home and we're
moving into a city and we'rereally excited about it.
But as we each navigate that,we're coming at it from very
different ways.
And so I started to think abouthow we're doing this.
And it helps me to sort ofnavigate that with him, and I

(02:21):
think vice versa, when weunderstand what's motivating
that other person.
So William Glasser talks aboutthese needs as survival, love
and belonging, power, freedom,and fun.
I'm going to use a little bitdifferent wording because I was
trained in the mental freedommethodology or framework.

(02:43):
And I kind of think those termsmake a little bit more sense.
So let's talk first about safetyand security.
So if you or someone you know ismotivated by that as their prime
um way of interacting, andagain, let me say we all have
some of these five.

(03:03):
We're just typically motivatedby one or two more than the
others.
So if you are motivated bysafety and security, then things
like financial planning or beingvery cautious, those things are
going to be more important toyou.
So if you have a partner who islooking at a situation very

(03:29):
analytically or very much as away of sort of mitigating risk,
that person is probablymotivated a lot by safety and
security.
They don't like a lot of risk.
They don't like things that areunpredictable.
They really want to feel likethere's a lot of safety or

(03:51):
security in that situation.
So the next one is belonging orlove and belonging, as Glasser
says.
And of course, as a species, weall have a need to belong.
It's actually very integral toour survival.
But there are some people whoare just connectors, who are

(04:14):
very uncomfortable withconflict.
They are very much motivated bymaking sure that there's peace,
that everyone is, again, feelingconnected, feeling good, and
they may prioritize sometimesthe needs of other people above

(04:34):
their own.
So they could be the person thatwants to facilitate the holiday.
Or they might acquiesce inrelationships because they'll
think, well, having peace hereor getting along or moving in
the same direction is moreimportant than my having a
boundary.

(04:54):
Now that's putting it in alittle bit of a sort of
framework, not negative, but ina way, that's where the pitfall
can be.
But really, these people arebeautiful at maintaining
connection with other people.
That's very much a motivator forthem.
Or they might volunteer, theycare much, they care of a lot

(05:16):
about humanity.
The next one is power andself-worth.
And I like to think about thismore as achievement.
So if you or someone you know isthe kind of person that loves to
um have success, they like tosee the response to their

(05:39):
efforts, they might be much moreuh disappointed or upset by
failure.
And if you've heard me talk atall, you've heard you know that
I think of failure as really thenext chance.
It's a learning experience.
But these people may be highachievers in their work

(06:03):
relationships.
They might want to have acertain amount in retirement.
Now that sort of goes back tosecurity also, but they want to
be known for something.
So maybe again, they're theperson in the family that's the
matriarch, or they might be theperson at work that really cares

(06:25):
about getting the project done,about getting promotion.
There are really good motivatingthings, again, about all of
these.
There are just sometimespitfalls.
So the next one, Glasser callsfun and enjoyment.
I think about that as joy.
This is one of my bigmotivators.

(06:45):
So, of course, we all seek, Ithink, well, happiness is I'm
just that's kind of a quote.
I'm gonna put quotes on that.
That's a catch-all term.
But true joy is finding thosemoments in your life where you
feel just that it's kind of acombination of your heart lifts,

(07:06):
but you feel very grounded inthe moment.
And I think that's one of thereasons that I love joy.
I love that sometimes it's veryunexpected.
For me, sometimes I'll get upand I'll look out the back
window and the sun is coming up,and it's we have woods behind
our house, at least for now.
And so just seeing thosebeautiful colors come through

(07:28):
the trees, it's just that's oneof my moments of joy.
Or if I get a very perfect dirtychai, that is a moment of joy.
So it can be really kind ofnormal everyday things, or it
could just be seeing your kidlaugh.
Now, the opposite side of that,of course, is sort of

(07:49):
hedonistic.
If you are just striving to havethe next high or that next
moment of joy, sometimes thatcan be contrived, but
understanding that you need tohave a life where there are
things that make you feel thatheart lifting.
And then finally, the last oneis freedom.

(08:10):
And this is probably my highestmotivator.
And I think we can look at ittwo ways.
I mean, we can look at it asbeing free from negative things,
like freedom from pain, but theway that I think is more
positive, it's looking at itlike making your own choice in
life.
So having the freedom to livethe life that you want to

(08:35):
create.
And that might mean that youdon't want a lot of stuff
weighing you down, or you are aperson that likes a lot of
solitude.
That is me.
I like a lot of solitude.
I'm also a connector, though I Ilike that sense of belonging.
I love bringing people together.
But that sense of freedom, youknow, again, the flip side of

(08:57):
that is that you can be a littletoo independent, or you may want
to have freedom, or you know,somebody who might want to have
so much freedom that they feellike they shouldn't have to hold
down a job.
But freedom in its distilledessence really is just loving
that ability to think about yourlife and decide what do you want

(09:21):
to create.
So when we think about thosefive things, and again, it's
safety and security, belonging,achievement, joy, and freedom,
it can help us first to considerhow they play a role in the
choices that we make, which iswhy they're part of choice
theory.
But I think they're really,really a great tool to use when

(09:46):
we feel really disconnected froma situation.
So if there's somebody at workthat they make decisions or they
do or say things and it'spuzzling, if we can think about
it in terms of this, what arethey trying to achieve?
If there's someone who isconstantly wanting to talk, or

(10:07):
they come into your office, orthey're they're overbearing, or
it may just be that they reallyprioritize that belonging or
that connection, and that'swhere it can go a little too
far, but understanding that theyjust want to be connected.
Or again, in your personalrelationships, if there's

(10:28):
someone that makes choices youfeel are very safe, maybe you're
a freedom person, you aremotivated by freedom and
somebody else is motivated bysafety, they can sometimes be at
odds.
But I think having the languageto talk about that, it takes a
lot of the pressure out of it, Ithink, when you're able to say,

(10:48):
hey, this is a big motivator forme.
And really a lot of these are inour nature versus nurture
equation.
A lot of these are nature.
Now, some of them, of course, ifyou grew up without a lot or
your parents were always talkingabout worries for money or that
kind of thing, you could have ahigh security need.

(11:08):
But that doesn't alwaystranslate.
A lot of these are very much howwe're wired, but it can take
that pressure out of or theconflict out of talking about it
because if you're looking at itpurely as what motivates you,
then I think you start with adifferent understanding.

(11:28):
And then from that point, youcan use what you know to talk
about it in terms of like howcan we have both things?
How can there be decisions thatwill give you what you need,
whether it's a sense ofachievement, maybe that person
wants to be the one to, youknow, do the research on who's

(11:50):
going to fix the things in thehouse, or you know, or they're
the person that has a lot moremotivation to get promotions at
work.
And you may be more motivated tocreate safety and security in
the home.
Those are things that can bereally powerful tools to start
to discuss that and break itdown.

(12:12):
So that was just my littlethought for today because that
came up in my own life, and Ijust find it really helpful.
So I hope you're all having apeaceful and positive start to
the new year.
And until next time, go out intothe world and be the amazing,
resilient, vibrant violet thatyou are.