When Something Just Feels Wrong: The Signs of a Sociopath

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Something feels wrong, but you can't quite put your finger on it. You find yourself constantly second-guessing your own perceptions and wondering if you're the problem. Sound familiar? You might be dealing with a sociopath.

This mini-episode dives into the confusing and often devastating experience of encountering someone with sociopathic tendencies. Drawing from personal experience of having to leave a beloved job due to a toxic boss, I share the warning signs that something isn't right in a relationship or workplace dynamic. With an estimated one in 25 people encountering a sociopath in their lifetime, this information is more relevant than you might think.

I explore Martha Stout's invaluable insights from her books "The Sociopath Next Door" and "Outsmarting the Sociopath," breaking down the telltale behaviors: excessive flattery, false kindness, blatant lying, playing the victim, intimidation, and cold-blooded betrayal. The most challenging aspect of these encounters is the fundamental difference in how sociopaths approach relationships—they simply lack the empathy that most of us take for granted.

Perhaps the most valuable advice I share is not about identifying sociopaths, but about how to protect yourself. Emotional reactions are fuel to a sociopath, so maintaining calm neutrality is essential. And if you've already escaped such a relationship, the goal isn't hatred or revenge, but reaching a place of apathy—a liberating state where their actions no longer have power over you. Whether you're currently navigating a confusing relationship or healing from past harm, this episode offers validation and practical strategies for moving forward with strength and clarity.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, welcome to a mini episode of no Shrinking
Violence.
So I'm going to talk todayabout sociopaths.
Now, I only talk in these minisfor less than seven minutes, so
we're not going to dig too deepinto this, but it's been on my
mind because I had a situationthat was so impactful in my life

(00:22):
and it meant that I needed toleave a job that I loved because
I had a boss that had behaviorsthat were so disconcerting and
upsetting.
I'm gonna stop short of sayingsociopathic, but I'm gonna
describe some of the things thathappened, because I read

(00:45):
somewhere that I think one in 25people encounter a sociopath.
So those aren't low odds.
You're going to know thatsomething is wrong, because
here's one of the key things andI'm going to get a lot of my
information that I'm telling youtoday.
I got it from Martha Stout.
She wrote the Sociopath NextDoor and she also wrote

(01:08):
Outsmarting the Sociopath, andthese are just so validating if
you've been in a situation whereyou've encountered someone like
this.
So the first thing is that it'svery confusing because they
don't operate in relationshipslike most of us do.
Most of us care about the otherperson.

(01:32):
We have empathy If we've donesomething.
Usually it's inadvertent.
If we've done something to hurtsomeone, we will acknowledge
that or we feel it.
We feel upset about thatbecause we've done something
that impacts somebody else.
Someone with sociopathictendencies lacks all of this,

(01:56):
and it can be confusing becauseat first and I will tell you,
even though this is not thefirst one in my life that I've
encountered and I'm not talkingabout in my work although
sociopaths are probably the lastpeople that would choose to go
to therapy, they go becausesomeone forces them to go.
This is an enduring personalitydisorder, so they don't change,

(02:19):
and I don't say that lately.
But the thing that's confusingis these people do things and
we're like wait, I must havemisunderstood.
This has to be me, I must benot understanding something or
misinterpreting it and willcontinue to try harder to
connect with this person orplease them.

(02:40):
So I'm going to look down at myphone for a second because I
want to read to you a list ofthings that Martha Stout
included in Outsmarting theSociopath, and almost every
single one of these was true forme and the person that impacted
my life.
So, flattering the victim allthe time attempts to appear kind

(03:04):
and helpful, and this is whereit gets confusing, because they
will give compliments or theline that was used.
I couldn't wait to work withyou.
I heard so much about you.
Attempts to oh, I said that oneappear kind and helpful Lying
Now, this is the one that Ithink, even though I am very

(03:26):
well past this, because I hadcontact recently with the person
from my life and I am at apoint where I have apathy and
that's really where you kind ofwant to get to, because if you
have hate, that's not good.
If you are, you know, feelingresentful or you want revenge,

(03:48):
that's all getting worked upabout something you can't change
.
When you get to a point whereit's nothing, you know, you feel
nothing, that's a wonderfulplace to be.
But the lying to me was, I meanthings that were said.
We're not used to somebodylying to us, just flat out lying

(04:09):
, and so I think when thathappens we assume the default is
often well, it must be true.
But if it doesn't match whatyou know and the lies can often
be about things about you,somebody said this about you so
when that happens, you know, allof us, I think, somewhere

(04:29):
inside have a little bit ofself-doubt, so it goes right
into the core of that self-doubtRight Um, the pity play.
So when you start to get somestrength and realize I have to
do something about this, I haveto act a different way, they're

(04:49):
excellent at making you feelguilty for that.
They need something from you.
Blaming intimidation theintimidation was just wicked.
So if it's a situation at work,you know it's someone that has
some control over you.
If they're your supervisor, ifit's a relationship with a

(05:13):
partner and there are childreninvolved, there's a lot at stake
.
So, and the final thing iscold-blooded betrayal.
So true, I still have no ideawhat this person might have said
about me.
I've stopped caring because,again, there's nothing I can do
about it, and I have to trustthat the people that were

(05:36):
surrounding the situation had achance to know me.
I had known them for quite along time.
Situation had a chance to knowme.
I had known them for quite along time.
So I really felt compelled totalk about sociopathy, because
we use that word often.
We also use narcissist a lot,and it's one of those things
where there is a diagnosis forthese things.

(05:57):
It's very clear how to diagnoseit.
So I'll talk more aboutnarcissism later, in another
episode.
But if you have someone in yourlife that you feel it doesn't
make sense.
Their behavior doesn't makesense.
One of the keys I will tell youis at all costs, try not to
have an emotional reaction,because that's like pouring gas

(06:18):
on a fire.
That's what motivates them.
But if you need more tips, Ican't recommend anything more
highly than Martha Stout's booksthe Sociopath Next Door and
Outsmarting the Sociopath.
They're excellent.
So thanks for listening today.
If you have any comments, youcan text me directly at the link
in the show notes or comment.

(06:40):
I would love if you would evenleave a review.
You don't have to writeanything.
You can just give me the starsand until next time, go out into
the world and be the amazing,resilient, vibrant Violet that
you are.