12 Days of Giving Day 1: Your Lazy Teen Isn’t Broken: Money, Motivation & Reality

Episode Transcript
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Stoy Hall, CFP® (00:10):
Happy holidays, everyone.
And, um, let's see.
I think you have the mostepisodes on No BS Wealth and
you've been on every season of12 days of giving Ashley.
So, uh, kudos and everyone knowswho you are.
So we don't have to go throughthat whole intro, but today's
conversation.
Uh, it hits home for a lot ofpeople, and I know our kids
quite aren't to that age, butit's something that you always

(00:32):
think about and kind of worryabout, especially with today's
kids and generations.
They, they, they lack criticalthinking.
They lack ability to go get.
It's just interesting and Ireally wanted to get that from
your perspective and storiesthat you have and experiences
that you have with parents thatare going through with these
kids that are in late highschool, college, that just.

(00:55):
Aren't starting, they're notgetting going, and they're not
figuring it out.
And what that does to us asparents, but also how can we
help them get that way.
So, welcome back and withoutfurther ado, let's, let's jump
into what that looks like.

Ashley Quamme (01:09):
Yeah, thanks for having me back.
Uh, always happy to come andtalk, uh, here with you.
Um, so I, to reiterate just whatyou said, like this is such a
common.
Struggle right now.
So I think first and foremost,like let's just normalize that

(01:30):
that is a struggle and it'shard.
And you know, for those of youthat are listening and you know,
I know we haven't, I know wehaven't gotten too deep into,
you know, maybe story-wise here,but if you're a parent with.
Older teens, late high schoollike call, and you're just kind

(01:51):
of struggling in that space oflike, how am I gonna prepare
them to launch?
Like, so they're makingfinancial, like responsible,
like financial decisions, noteven responsible financial
decisions, like just responsibledecisions, uh, in general, like
you are not alone and.
More people.

(02:11):
I don't think a lot of parentstalk about it, um, outwardly
because there can be a sense oflike guilt or shame around that.
Like, what did I do wrong?
Um, have I messed up?
Is this a reflection on me?
So, you know, I think before wejust get into things, I wanna
normalize just how this is astruggle and it's okay.
Um, and my hope is is that maybethrough, you know.

(02:33):
Some of the story and answeringsome of your question that we
can just talk about, like how tohelp, uh, how to help here.
So, uh, I wanna introduce you,um, to Mike and Michelle.
Um, Mike and Michelle are intheir late forties, uh, and they
have two kids, um, two girlsactually.

(02:53):
And, uh, one of the girls is theoldest one.
Typical, what we might think ofas like.
Oldest daughter, oldest child,like self motivator, um,
responsible in terms of likedecision making, um, ambitious,
uh, has generally done well, uh,with, you know.

(03:16):
Academics, um, things like that.
Things that you kind of, youknow, if you're into like
sibling position, like thethings that you would think
about in terms of like anoldest, oldest child.
Um, and so, uh, their oldestdaughter, Sydney, um, you know,
she is early in college and youknow, Mike and Michelle like

(03:37):
working with them, you know,kind of explained like they
didn't really need to worryabout Sydney, like Sydney just
kind of.
Did like all the things thatlike you're supposed to do,
right?
It was like, this is like thequote unquote easy child.
Um, and you know, there wasn't alot of.
Intentional effort put intoparenting, into, um, developing

(04:02):
those critical thinking skillsas kind of you mentioned, right?
Because like Sid, she kind ofhad, she had a lot of that like
naturally, uh, you know, so, youknow, Sydney's in like her like
kind of early college, um.
Age, they're not quite 20 yearsold or early college age.
Um, and then they have theiryoungest daughter, Sarah, who's

(04:23):
a junior, um, in, in highschool.
And Sarah is what we might thinkof as a typical youngest child.
Um, Sarah, bless our heart.
Uh.
Bless her heart.
I don't, I feel like, listen,for those of you from the south,
like you probably already knowwhat I mean when I say that.

(04:46):
Like, oh, bless her heart.
Uh, Sarah, she's a great, she'sa great girl all around, but
like her motivation level forlearning, doing, achieving is
like, it's not on like Sydneylevel and she's just kind of
content like, just kind of good,like, you know, doesn't really
have a desire to like.

(05:07):
Move the needle like on thingsor to be better than like where
kind of she is, like status quois like her jam.
And so Mike and Michelle havetwo very different children
here.
Um, and neither of them are likequote, bad or wrong, they're
just different when it comes tothe financial side though, and.

(05:33):
Supporting them and developingsome of those skills.
You know, Sydney hashistorically, you know, they,
they did some of the things likesetting both the girls up with
like a bank account, a checkingaccount, like having, you know,
a debit card.
Um, like for them, um.
They expressed how they tried toteach financial responsibility

(05:53):
in encouraging them to get jobs.
Shockingly, Sydney like had likea summer job.
Like, you know, she just neededto be reminded and then she went
out and like, kind of got thatsummer job and would work and,
you know, put her money in heraccount.
Um, and was, you know.
Didn't, uh, did not gripe andcomplain around having to

(06:16):
contribute to pay for, you know,her gas money.
Uh, like around that.
Sarah, on the other hand, oldgirl, like, you know, are you
gonna get a job this summer?
Uh.
Maybe, I don't know, like it'skind of hard to find a job.
Um, there's a lot of resistanceis the word that I would use.
Just resistance.

(06:38):
Uh, and you know, Mike andMichelle, because things were so
easy, like with Sydney, I feltreally s.
Duck in.
How do I help develop Sarah?
How do I parent her?
How do I help, like with hergetting a job, like that's so
foundational for teens to likelearn from a work ethic
standpoint, but also financialresponsibility.

(06:58):
And they didn't really have thatstruggle with Sydney.
Um, you know, giving Sarah, likesetting her up with a checking
account and like a card, likehoping if we put money into it,
that will motivate her, youknow?
Nope.
They were getting overdraftnotices, like, you know, Sarah's
was out there like swiping andtapping, like, you know, she is

(07:19):
not paying attention toanything.
Right?
And there was this friction thatstarted to like be created.
And also, you know, Mike andMichelle alluded to a little bit
of resentment, like frustrationand resent like, you know, while
they never outwardly said this,they expressed like, why can't

(07:39):
she be more like Sydnee?
Like, why is this so difficultfor her?
Why doesn't she just.
Get it.
She has an older sister who hasquote unquote paved the way and
shown like, Hey, this is howyou, you know, should kind of
like do things.
Like there's a model rightthere.

(08:01):
And Mike and Michelle, both dualincome professionals, you know.
Generally, like financially,like responsible people, middle
class suburban, um, whitefamily, great neighborhood,
great schools, like both girlshad like great friends, like
family influences, like all ofthese things.
When we start thinking aboutlike our micro and macro

(08:24):
systems, right?
Like there was a lot of likegood things like there from a
support standpoint, from asupport and influence
standpoint.
But Michael, Michelle, justlike.
So lost though.
And like, you know, they'venever said, they never said
this, but it was like, how theheck did Sarah turn out the way
that she did?

(08:45):
Like, you know, we have allthese good things and for both
of them, particularly Michelle,I think there was a lot of shame
around, what did I do wrong?
Like, I have missed the markhere from a parenting
standpoint.
So.
I'm setting just kind of thisstage like with like this story,

(09:05):
and I wanna pause because I knowI've gone kind of into like a
lot of just context here.
You know, Mike and Michelle'sstory, you know, while it is
their story, like it's alsostories like story that I've
heard.
A lot, right?
A lot about is how do we parenttwo different children?
One is more maybe responsible,the other is less.

(09:31):
Less so bless their heart.
Um, so you know, this is whokind of this family is and this
is who this couple, this coupleis.
But I wanna pause to kind ofgive you some room to like
digest and.
See where, where would behelpful do you think that we
should go kind of in thinkingabout this family, this couple?

Yeah.
And I, I, I think about my ownkids'cause yeah, they might be
young, 11 and eight, but there,there is that older, younger, I
mean, it's there.
It's just a thing, right?
And everyone goes through this.
I have a client who has, they'reactually twin daughters, but
even by the, the few seconds theone came out first, like it's
still there too.
Right?
And their path as adults is.

(10:11):
It could not be polar opposite.
Um, and as I was listening tothis and digesting it and
laughing my ass off,'cause ouryoungest is, oh man, uh, we,
we'll bring him on and have alot more issues with that down
the road, but.
It came down to as parents,there isn't one way to parent.
There are multiple ways toparent.

(10:33):
Even if you've done everythinglike set up wise, like you had
said, like this family'sbasically set up and there,
there is no failure becauseeverything is good, right?
It's, it's there.
Check mark, check mark, checkmark, and doesn't have those bad
influences and we still see.
This separation, um, between,between siblings and whatnot.

(10:54):
What I wanted to ask and whyyou're going through this is not
like, why,'cause I'm not gettinginto all of that.
I don't know if we have thebrain power to know why the
oldest and the youngest operatethis way.
But where, where can we go withthe youngest, right?
Mm-hmm.
Where can we go with the youngchild who does develop

(11:15):
differently?
Who does have a differentattitude about life?
How can we really achieve to getthem to jump off without like
trying to parent the way we did?
Right?
Like, we can't do things.
Those second kids don't havethat mechanism in there.

No.
What?

We start with, with parents to do that.

Well, we should just send them off to a
different planet for a littlewhile and Yeah.
Right.
Yeah, no, um, I think I'm kindof, Jo, I think I'm kind of
joking.
Um, I think I've, I think I'mkind of joking about that.
So look, the first place reallythat I encourage parents to
start with is actually aroundthe difference between equal.

(12:00):
Equitable.
Like what is equal and what isequitable.
And so what do I mean by that?
Equal means the exact same.
So in terms of like providingopportunity or support, like
financially, like what have you,or time like investment, like
where like I think sometimesparents get caught when it comes
to, they have like multiple kidsthat I have to give exactly the

(12:22):
same.
It has to be equal.
So if I give.
You know Sydney,$50 for gas amonth, I have to give Sarah$50
in gas a month.
Like, in some ways that's not,it's not bad, it's not wrong.

(12:43):
And I think that we can, youknow, set some things up that
way.
So, but in terms of helping, youknow, Sarah, there are gonna be
some things that are not equal.
Like there are gonna be somethings where it is more
equitable, thinking aboutfairness, right?
Like taking into considerationeach child's needs.
Given knowing that each child isdifferent, like, okay, Sydney

(13:05):
does not need as much guidance,reminder.
Accountability, like, you know,maybe even not as much financial
support.
Right?
Sarah, on the other hand, inorder to get her to where we
quote unquote want to be isgonna need more, and that is not
equal, but it is.
Equitable.
So I, I, you know, first I thinkthat is, it's a trap that

(13:28):
parents get caught in when itcomes to their kids and
parenting and offering supportis they think that it has to be
the exact same and.
It is not, um, it can't, itcan't be.
But that's also wherefrustration then develops is
because like, I'm giving onethis and I'm giving the other
this.
And so it's like, Hey, let'slike, scratch that.

(13:50):
You know?
Totally fine.
If like your boundary is, Hey,I'm gonna give each of you 50
bucks a month for gas.
Like, that might be where youdecide things are equal.
But then there might be someother things like.
Helping them fill out a jobapplication, like sitting down
with them, breaking it down.
So I find that for kids that aresimilar to Sarah, I find that

(14:19):
off there could be a lot offactors.
Like you said, we're not gonnaget into the why.
But the thing that we have to,as parents remember is that, you
know, there could be some otherthings at play that we may not
be aware of.
What might just look like a lazykid who is not as like

(14:39):
motivated.
Could be a kid who is veryoverwhelmed by something.
Like going and getting a job.
That might sound super easy.
Just fill out the applications,like go around fi, figure out
where do you wanna work, go in,ask for an application, fill it
out, turn it in.

(15:00):
That sounds incredibly easy.
But if your child is strugglingwith doing something like that,
then taking the time to sitdown, create a plan together and
break it down into micro steps.
Like, okay, our job andobjective is to get a job.
Well then what are all of thesteps involved in getting a job?

(15:21):
And then how can we break thatdown, you know, and maybe, um,
plan it out like on a calendar,like this weekend, like we're
gonna drive around to 10 placesand, but before that you have to
make a list of 10 places.
So you make your list of 10places.
And then this weekend we aregonna drive around together, you
know.

(15:42):
What's interesting about liketeens, um, and even young adults
is that there's this push pulldynamic.
It's like, I love you, I hateyou, like, you know, I want you
to help me.
No, get away from me.
Don't help me.
Um, but if we notice that ourkids are struggling with
something, I think it'simportant to say, Hey, like,

(16:02):
this seems to be a struggle.
And you know, would it be okayif I kinda.
Offered some support and kind ofstepped in and helped, like you
don't have to do it alone and.
It's hard because I think asparents, and I'm thinking about
my own kids, you know, cam justturned 13, so like, holy cow, I
have a teenager now.
So some of this feels likereally like, like, ooh, kind of

(16:26):
big for me.
But you know, I think that wethink because they're 17, 18,
19, 20, that they should just beable to do.
Like all the things alone bythemselves and we are not meant
to do or be like in isolation ordo things alone.
And you know, I think thatrealizing, hey, if our kid is
struggling with something, it'sokay to do some things with

(16:47):
them.
Like they might learn a lot fromyou.
Um, you know, there, so Okay.
Recapping.
For kids that are like Sarah,like if they're struggling to
kind of do things like break itdown into some micro steps, like
lay out all of the plans, um, orall the steps.
Uh, why that's important isbecause you talked about that
critical thinking.
Um, it helps them think throughcritically, what are all the

(17:11):
things that I need to do?
Um, and you can collaborate onthat.
Um, give them a sense ofautonomy, like where do you
wanna start?
You know, instead of justdictating like, this is where
you need to start.
Like ask them like, where do youthink now that this is our plan?
Where do you think this is thebest place to start?
Cool.
Okay.
Like, make a list and then Iwill help drive you around to

(17:34):
all of these places so that, youknow, we can chip away, you
know, at kind of this goal.
So I think, you know, that isreally important.
And the other piece too is, as Ijust said, is being okay with
and accepting that.
You're gonna have to step in anddo some things with them, and
that's okay.
And it can actually be a reallygreat bonding moment, and it can

(17:56):
help them to not feel so alonein having to do it.

One of the biggest fights that now we've,
we've established like, Hey,this is what we can do to help
Sarah or our Sarahs out there inthe world.
The part that I think we, weshould talk about before we end
this whole thing is, is us asparents, we're fighting our
generation anyways.
That's probably having kidsaround this age.
We are fighting something thatwe were left alone to go do

(18:21):
those things right?
We were said, kicked out thehouse, come back when the street
lights are on.
Go get a job.
You need to make money and.
There was no help.
And I think that's what we fighta lot, is we want them to be
kind of like us, but we don'twant them to be like us.
Yeah.
So we're harder on them.
We're pushing them to go beindependent.
When realistically, like yousaid, 17, 18, 19, 20 year olds

(18:43):
really aren't mature enough tobe an adult that shouldn't be on
their own.
Um.
So how do we as parents and asthe adults, what do we need to
work on to like remove that,right?
Remove that from ourselves if wecan, or at least temper it, but
also set our sights on each ofour kids has a different
destination ending, right?

(19:03):
It is not, they're all out by 18and they're going to college
and, you know what I mean?
Like, how can we also forgiveourselves for not hitting those
marks right?
And, and be able to adjust towhat our kids' needs are.

Um, we probably need another hour for that.
Um, part two.
Uh, so, okay.
A few things come to mind here.
Um, for me, one, like hearingyou say that reminded me of
Yeah, I think.
There are elements, you know,for those like that are
millennials, you know, raisinglike, you know, kind of kids,

(19:40):
older millennials, you know,like we don't want our kids to
fail.
But we also recognize that thereare things likely maybe from how
we grew up that um, you know,maybe we should not have carried
like the burdens.
From, or responsibility for, andthat's okay.
But I, I also think that what Inotice a lot is parents are

(20:02):
afraid to let their kids fail.
And in doing so, they jump insometimes too quickly.
Um, or they had previously beendoing a lot of things, quote
unquote for them.
Um, and then they hit theseteenage years and it's like.
Gosh, you're 16, 17, 18.
Like, you should know how to dothis by now.

(20:24):
And now I'm just going to pullback all support and you're
totally like by yourself, onyour own, or you're off to
college now, like, see youlater.
Like.
I'm done.
And that is really not helpfulor wise.
And so, you know, if you haveyounger kids, I would say right

(20:44):
now and you're listening, onegood for you.
But two, like learning kind ofslowly along the way.
Like, where am I?
Okay.
Like letting my kid, I say fail,but like make a mistake.
Um, so one example.
Is that our kids have beenmaking their lunches since they
were in kindergarten.
Wow.
Um, now there has been someassistance and support, um, and

(21:07):
we've structured things kind ofas they've gotten older.
Just kind of, you know, a littlebit differently, but, you know,
the, from our responsibilitypiece, it's, you know.
You make your own lunch, you'reresponsible for that.
Um, cam forgot his lunch one dayand it was sitting on the
counter and I had to strugglewith not taking it up there.

(21:31):
Now granted, he was like, youknow, fifth grade, so we're
talking like 10, right?
10, 11.
And so I struggled with like, doI just run this really quickly
up to school in between my callsor do I let him sit with.
You know, remember that heforgot his lunch.
Now he can buy his lunch fromschool.
There's always money on thekids' accounts where they can

(21:53):
purchase.
Yeah.
Or they, they're not gonnastarve.
Right.
But I had to struggle with that,like, and he came home and was
like, oh, I forgot my lunch.
And I was like, I know, dude.
It was like sitting here on thecounter, like all day, man.
Like.
Yeah.
What was that like?
Oh, it was so embarrassing.
Like, because I went and likesat down, then I had to re and

(22:14):
then, and it was a learningopportunity.
But you know, my point insharing that is I think
sometimes as parents we'rescared to like, let our kids
like make mistakes or we'd jumpinto you quickly, and that's not
helpful in building thosecritical thinking skills.
And then by the time they get tobe young adults or teenagers,
like we expect them to have itwhen they haven't been learning
it all along.
Now if you're a parent hearingthis and you're like, oh crap,

(22:34):
like you know, I was the onethat went and like brought my
kid there to lunch every singletime they forgot it or their
homework.
Hey, that's okay, that's okay.
But we can start now atdeveloping some of those
critical thinking skills.
And so where are you okay withallowing your child to make
mistakes?
That has to be a personaldecision.
I don't know where exactly thatis, like for you, but there is

(22:56):
learning in that place.
Um, and that's how, from like abrain, like, you know, if we
think about like our executivefunctioning, you know, like
that's how that develops there.
And so, um, it, you know, it's ahard space to be in, but it, it,
it is useful and helpful, um, inletting our kids struggle a
little bit.

Without a doubt, and I know we'll tease
this'cause we have many episodeswe probably already tease, but
that also goes into youthsports, which will be a topic we
bring up next year.
Don't worry.

Oh, you know, I'm here for it.

Oh yeah.
And that might be a, it might bea long one, fella, uh, ladies
and gents that might be two,three hours, um, of us ranting
and raving.
But as we wrap up this one for,for this holiday season is, we
know you're thinking about it.
We, we all are right?
Especially those that have theolder children that are coming
closer to college.
Like this is the time that youreflect.

(23:51):
You think about it, you thinkabout your money, you're just
thinking about it.
And while you're thinking aboutit, listening to this episode.
Understand that there, there arethings you can do now, um, and
as well as things that you'regonna need to do down the line
that probably are different thanwhat you're used to.
They're probably different theway your brain thinks to do
them.
In the ultimate thing of whatyou said, this whole thing is

(24:12):
it's okay because it's thenormal, it's the norm.
Everyone's going through it,everyone's talking about it.
Just be able to make thatadjustment.
And so from my perspective,that's what I took out the most
is it's normal.
And you're just gonna have toplan and work through it.
'cause it's your kid.
You just gotta figure it out asyou go.

Yeah, all of that.
You said it.
Well look, I'm out like micdrop.
I don't have anything else toadd.
Like there like you said it all,man.
Yeah,

well, as the holidays are here, go ahead,
check out all the resources.
Obviously Ashley call me isamazing.
She's on there.
Go to the website, checkeverything out, reach out to us.
If you really have questions orwant help, um, we're here for
that.
Right.
And as.
We know Ashley's gonna be onepisode two of the new year, so
make sure you check that out asit comes down, as well as all

(25:02):
the other episodes that she'sin.
It'll be in the description aswell.
Ashley, I appreciate you everytime we meet.
Thank you.

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12 Days of Giving Day 1: Your Lazy Teen Isn’t Broken: Money, Motivation & Reality

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