Nonplussed

What happens when you take bottle of Dan Brown, combine it with a splash of Indiana Jones, shake with aged Nic Cage and garnish with a withered olive branch of patriotism? A Book of Secrets, apparently. Your mileage may vary, but your goodly hosts are just about done watching a silly putty puppet with bug eyes and a vague air of racism toddle around after Cage’s hairline.

- Voight Where Prohibited -

Duh-...

Yes, that’s right. Sean Connery’s final film. He turned down Gandalf because he didn’t understand the script (that’s right, Sir Ian was a second stringer!) and presumably had the same reasoning for turning down the role of The Architect in The Matrix. And despite the steampunk dumpster fire this turned into, perhaps there is something poetic about his character’s grave being the final shot of the film. 

But that’s about as deep as ...

Another live action cartoon? What is wrong with us? Perhaps we have a glitch or two of our own. Truly, there is no understanding why this film got made. Did someone lose a bet? Were McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Donuts owed promotion? The world may never know.

- Wowzers! -

-
Disney, Plus Hulu, Plus Max - streaming bundle coming soon:  https://variety.com/2024/digital/news/disney-plus-hulu-max-bun...

Who just commits check fraud in front of the child they’re berating to get a job? Why is Tone Loc here? Who let this man spend a week with a child? What stores just accept wads of cash from a child? Who let an FBI agent kiss a tween boy? What the hell did we just watch? 

Butt to Face:

- Read about Mr. Macintosh’s house, Pemberton Castle: https://texashistoricalmarkers.weebly.com/pemberton-...

Animation-to-Live Action adaptations really should have waited until at least 2010. Though I guess we could only assume film technology would advance. I’m not sure what they thought of audiences at the time, much less days… weeks… months… years later. Even Rotten Tomatoes doesn’t want you to watch this. So truly, don’t bother. We gotchu!

–
- I’ll Waldo Your Magoo -

X-Men 97 has a midseason t...

This ain’t Texas. It’s Rio! Disney+ has officially subsumed Hulu, broadening our horizons and content pool -  so take a flight with us down south in this Blue Sky classic.

- Ain’t No Hold ‘Em -

- Hulu and Disney+ Combined, officially, and Vulture can answer all your questions for you: https://www.vulture.com/article/disney-plus-hulu-combined-streaming-app.html 

- Russell T Davies is predi...

The Marvelous Month of March continues with 2005’s Fantastic Four! Though there’s a much clearer line from the source material to whatever this is, it still manages to bungle the weirdest parts of the First Family of Marvel’s mythos.

- Flame On! -

-  X-Men ‘97 Showrunner out at Disney: https://ew.com/x-men-97-beau-demayo-firing-marvel-animation-responds-8609643   

- Eras Tour Takeover: ht...

There’s no cinematic universe safe from the taint of Jared Leto. Yes, we’re aware of how that reads. Is there anything to say about Morbius that hasn’t been said? Probably not. But it’s here, on the platform proper, so we may as well get this out of the way.

- It’s Morbin’ Time! -

- Taylor Swift Eras tour, with five extra songs: https://thewaltdisneycompany.com/taylor-swift-eras-tour-film-disney 

We’ll keep it sweet and simple: happy holidays, merry Christmas, joyful solstice, and happy new year. All our love!


- KnowhatImean? -

- Percy Jackson has premiered! https://variety.com/2023/tv/reviews/percy-jackson-and-the-olympians-review-disney-plus-1235835010 

- Disney+ and Hulu officially have a lot of content: https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/digital/disney-plus-hulu-catalo...

There’s not enough Vaseline in the world to blur out the travesty that is The Christmas Consultant. Caroline Rhea has the herculean effort of helming the most lopsided, ham-fisted, anti-woman Christmas shmaltz and bless her heart she made us FEEL something in the end. 

Well, something more than simmering rage at not getting those 90 minutes back.

- Russian Steel -

- Sweet lor...

Nothing says “Christmas Spirit” like a screaming Austrian, extortion, gaslighting, black market toys, and less than subtle allusions to the size of your neighbors’ holiday package. How this one manages to stay on any platform in the year 2023 is beyond us.

-Who told you you could eat MY cookies? -

- Check out The One & Only Sale of the Year at MischiefMerch.com! Use code SALE2023 to get hal...

Oh wow, y’all. Some things from the 90s surprisingly hold up, but Father of the Bride may not be one of those things. Toxic masculinity, status quo gender norms, a questionable European accent, and the origin of Girl Math. It’s… a lot. If you need a stark reminder of what early 90s capitalism felt like, good news: it’s here, and it’s prematurely gray. 

-Sidekicks!-

 - Disney+ tops 150M subsc...

What’s better on Halloween than another trip to Halloweentown? Hitting up Walgreens for discounted candy on November 1. A dentist visit after a chocolate gorge. When you get the runs from eating too much sugar free stuff. Really just about anything, because we’re not quite sure what the hell this is or why it exists.

—-
Research and references completed using Wikipedia, IMDb, Rotten Tomatoes, Box Office M...

The crypt has bust open and a classic Disney attraction rises from the grave once again - this time with a start studded cast who are just as happy to be there as they are to cash a check. Wow! Ghost!

This is the best Haunted Mansion movie that doesn’t have Muppets in it. There’s nothing foul or fiendish here, unless like Clancy you’re not a fan of Jared Leto. 

- Hurry back… -

October is here, so you know what that means: spoops and creps all month long! We thought, “Let’s do Werewolf by Night!” and fully prepped before remembering we’d already done it. So ahead of the color version coming on October 20th - and because Josh got his dates wrong and we can’t do Haunted Mansion until next time - give a listen to our breakdown of this astonishingly executed love letter to classic monster movies!

Spooky, isn’t? Another ghost from the past, and so soon! Well, the vibrations tell me it was poor planning on our part. But those vibrations are so sensitive because our vacation was pretty dang rejuvenating. That, some editing woes, and Clancy’s sudden work trip means we’re prepping for the upcoming drop of 2023’s Haunted Mansion with a Rewind to Muppet Haunted Mansion! It was an absolute scream, and we hope it gives ...

What is there to say about the yankee bastardization that is Confessions of a Shopaholic? Plenty. But come on, this isn’t booze or hard drugs. It’s not even cigarettes. There are practical ways to work your way out of this kind of situation, chief among them being CANCEL THE CARDS AND SELL THE CLOTHES YOU DRYER SHEET. 

- Beware the Mannequins -

In hindsight, The Dawning of the Age of LiLo was perhaps more portentous of the road to come than we may have thought at the time. We’ve never read the book “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” is based on, and this movie certainly doesn’t pique my interest. In fact, the most interesting thing about the movie is the career trajectories of its youngest stars. Some became top dollar talent, some stopped acting entirely...

Who doesn’t love Rick Moranis? This man did it right - comedy pro out of Canada bags a handful of franchises, cashes his check, and returns to a quiet life of fatherhood. Not on social media, no idea who he is really outside of his body of work, just raising his kids in quiet. G’bless. But hey apparently he’s coming back for a reboot? Maybe the kids are going to grad school. 

- RIP Antie -

...