Can Austism Get in the Way of Friendships?

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:12):
Hello. Hi.
How are you? Fine.
We once again did about 40 minutes of troubleshooting
before we actually started recording, because that's our
life now. I'm.
I'm done. I'm over it.
I'm over it. So much.
Hi. Welcome to the Nerd
Neurodivergent Shit show where Ican't say words and we can't get

(00:35):
our lives together. Nope.
I'm Nikki and that's Amanda. Say hi, Amanda.
Hi, Amanda. Neither or.
Neither. Or, and we are two
neurodivergent best friends traveling the Neurodivert.
The Neurodivert. Holy fuck, I can't.
I'm so done. It's not even after 8:00 so.

(00:58):
I know. My brain is is is mush.
Today we're two neurodivergent best friends travelling the
neuroverse together because we are no yes we are living.
This is so bad I can't deal. We're 42 episodes in and I still

(01:22):
can't get this shit right. We're living in a neurotypical
world and we are not neurotypical girls.
Welcome to the God damn shit show.
It's here. It's a smear.
It's not in my brain. It's not queer.
It's a smear in my brain becauseI can't deal with shit today.

(01:43):
You talk to these people becauseGod help me, I can't.
So talk to them. What's going on today?
I can try. I've read so many contracts
today at least my day went by quickly.
But I've read just contracted a contract.
But I showed you the the Excel spreadsheet and that was just
one VP out of five that I have to go through.

(02:07):
Granted, she has the granted, the one I showed you has about
half of the contracts that that I deal with.
But it's just a lot. I'm like, I'm I just have to
make it basically the next couple weeks because we're we
have to have all our stuff readyby like the 5th or no.
Well we have to have certain things running by the 5th but

(02:28):
then we're actually getting audited the end of February.
So I'm just just waiting till the end of the February comes
here and then I feel like I can breathe after that.
So that's that's been my day. Otherwise, I'm very tired and I
haven't been sleeping well, so it is what it is.

(02:50):
That's better. There we go.
My camera must have been like, fingerprinted up.
I'm like, why do I look fuzzy? That's better.
That's better. And you and I.
Now I can see your you and your grandpa glasses.
My grandpa glasses, my grandpa blue blockers, 'cause that's
that's what I do. I just washed my hair, so
there's nothing going on with itright now.

(03:10):
And I have no makeup on, 'cause it was my day off.
I much need a day off. I don't feel good.
I think it's just burnout still,or the tail end of.
I've been feeling a little bit better, but I think I'm just on
the tail end of this bullshit. So So yeah, we luckily I don't

(03:34):
have all the talking to do today.
It's Amanda's turn for for a vulnerable episode.
It's it's story time. Again, we can only go one
straight week with an actual topic, and I'm sorry for that,
but it is what it is. But before we jump into Amanda's

(03:56):
story time, let's get started with the fun.
Because fuckery comes after story time.
So let's hit him with some fun. Thank God I am not thinking of
words. Today it's Amanda's turn.
For those of you who don't know what's going on here, I'm sorry,

(04:18):
this is your first episode. God help you.
There are many more just like this for you to listen to. 41
others to be exact. We are creeping up on a year,
ma'am. Creeping up that that elusive,
ever elusive 50 is up Fifty. Wow, the Mushmouth is so fucking

(04:39):
bad. It's been so bad the last couple
days. Yawn 2.
I haven't even been putting yawncounters in, so I don't know why
I'm counting. Oh my God.
So yeah, we're rolling up on that 50th episode where we're
going to do a neurodivergent meme review.
So I have a post that I need to get scheduled out, but I've made
us a little post that says the meme shelf and I want it's

(05:04):
basically going to be a thread on Facebook.
You may add your memes to that thread that way, like.
A pinned post. Yeah, like a pinned post.
It's the meme shelf. I need you to fill our meme
shelf. OK, we'll talk more about that
later, but we're rolling up on 50 episodes.
I know it seems like it's reallyfar away, but it's really not.
We've got. What, two months?
Yeah, not yet. Two months almost exactly until

(05:27):
we are there and then two weeks after that we're on our one year
episode. So that's been.
An honest day, it's always it's how.
Yes, it's easy to remember. It's Star Wars day.
Because it's Star Wars Day. May the Fourth be with you.
Always. So yeah, yeah, that's what's
going on here. We're we're getting in there.

(05:49):
But I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing every time we get
on this fucking camera. You'd think we'd figured it out
by now. No, But anyway, let's do the
fun. We start every episode.
That was a long way of saying westart every episode.
With there's no, there's no short wit in this for us, OK?
We're no especially for me. Yeah, we start every episode

(06:12):
with. You need a road map.
You need a road map when it comes to our conversations.
So. For sure.
For sure. Just, you know, follow the
dopamine with us. It's fine.
Let's do a mad Lib. OK?
I don't have to think of words. Nope.
My phone needs to stop buzzing at me, 'cause I do not have the
spoons for distractedness today.Amanda, I need from you, ma'am,

(06:35):
a noun, please. Conjecture.
Oh, OK. Plural noun, please.
No. Just kidding.
Adjective. Sorry, I skipped one.
Did I miss one? Adjective springy.
Oh. Oh, strange.
OK, now plural noun. Trash piles?

(07:03):
OK. All right.
Okey Dokey. That looks like pills, not
piles. I can't spell verb.
Past tense, please. Post haste, post haste mooned.
OK, another plural noun. Yeah, there's like a fucking lot

(07:24):
of plural nouns and adjectives. Last one, Walnuts.
OK. I just, I heard like I heard a
thing of Scottish person say, you fucking walnut, and just
made me laugh. It's cute.
I like it. Adjective Monstrous.
OK, I don't think we've used that one yet.

(07:45):
That's awesome. Mung stroller.
Also today. OK, Noun stupidity.
Mm hmm. We love that.
OK, a place. Mount Everest.
OK. Verb.
Past tense yet again. Persevered.

(08:11):
Purser. I think that's right.
OK, plural noun again. It's it's a longer one.
Roasty, toasty princesses. Oh my God, I said that on my
live at work yesterday. Oh yeah, yesterday.
I sure did. Princess.

(08:31):
I love that. I I thought of it because
earlier I had turned my space heater on at work and my boss
came in and sat down and she goes.
It's really roasty toasty in here, I just immediately
thought. Roasty, toasty, toasty, toasty
Princess. Roasty, toasty Princess.
Bonus points if you know what movie that's from.

(08:53):
My God, I'm going to Chuck this phone because I'm tired of
hearing it. Buzz OK, a place.
The Earth's core. Oh.
I went all the way up and I got to go all the way in.
Oh no. I'm laughing at things now that

(09:18):
are not even said out loud. They're implied.
We've we've descended too early in this episode.
OK, verb ending in ING. Had to do it.
Fucking. Of course you did.
That's the only thing that belongs there.
Adjective, please. Gratuitous.

(09:39):
Oh, I think it's. One of those I really hate to
like spell out and like, yeah, I'm.
Sure, it's wrong, but it's fine occupation.
Professional body painter. I would love that job.
I. Don't know.
It depends on like do I have to go on the ass crack and stuff.

(10:03):
Like what? Are we doing here?
Yeah, I don't know. You gotta make a blend, girl.
You gotta it's sometimes they gotta look like they ain't even
got one of them ass crack, so you gotta make a blend
adjective. Shell shocked.
Oh wow. Can't spell.

(10:25):
And another adjective. Fergalicious.
I love that. Fergalicious.
It's hot, hot fergalicious. They won't want a taste of what
I got. Yep.
Uh huh. We're there.
Last and finally, the last pronoun, please.

(10:46):
Fanny packs. Fanny packs.
I got a lighter. Candles.
I forgot it. Hello lighter.
Hello. Hello.
The. Household is incredibly.
Quiet. Hello.
You said Fanny. Packs.
Pinks. You know what's funny to me?

(11:06):
Something I've thought about quite a bit?
How in America the word Fanny. God's butt.
Means butt. But a Fanny in the UK means
you're you're you're pussy, right?
So. But you think we'd have figured

(11:29):
it out because the Fanny pack that the Americans love so much
is not worn over your butt, so it can't be.
Did he did he hear you here? Exclamation.
He just choked on his water. Sorry, heavily distracted.

(11:55):
And I just heard from the other,but you would have think we'd
like figured that out because wedon't wear that over our butts,
we wear it over the front. So what we call what we call a
FUPA is really a Fanny. So God don't understand.

(12:21):
He's dying. He's dying in the other room.
How does he not pay attention toanything I fucking say or do in
here 98% of the fucking time, but when I bring up a Fanny
pack, his ears fucking perk up. I don't understand.
This selective hearing, very selective.
Joking on Shit. You're distracting me.
You're not sorry. You're doing it on purpose.

(12:42):
At this point, that's a fake. Fucking choking sound.
Knock it off. Shut up.
I love you. OK, let's read a Mad Lib after
that large divergent from topic.All right, here we go.
Although, Ash, I'm sorry, what'sthe fucking title?

(13:03):
Nicole? Some of Ash's friends.
That's the title. All right, here we go,
everybody. Although Ash started his
conjecture alone, he has made many springy friends along the
way. One of his first trash piles was
Misty. Tracks.

(13:24):
She's so annoying. Oh shit, OK, Ash mooned her
after his first after his Pikachu damaged.
Her bike that actually fits so well.
Sorry, but Pikachu managed damaged your bike.
Here's my ass. Let me show you my ass.

(13:48):
But then they became best friends.
The best of walnuts. No, no, no, no.
I can't read. Hold on.
Try again. OK, Ash mooned her after his
Pikachu damaged her bike, but then they became the best of
walnuts. There we go.
That's the sentence. She is the gym leader of the

(14:09):
monstrous Cerulean Gym and specializes in stupidity.
Type Pokémon Ash met Brock afterthey battled in the mount.
Oh no, In Mount Everest they persevered together for many
roasty, toasty princesses through Canto, Jonto, and all

(14:30):
the way to the earth. Score until fucking ways.
Oh shit. Why does that make so much
sense? Oh Jesus, Oh my kidneys hurt.
OK, Brock's gratuitous Pokémon was Onyx and Brock wanted to be

(14:54):
a Pokémon professional body painter.
More recently, Ash has teamed upwith Clement, Genius of electric
type Pokémon and the oh shit, I'm dropping earbuds and the
shell shocked Serena. Just look at her fergalicious
hat. We like that one, no matter what

(15:17):
One things for sure. Ash would have never gotten this
far without his Fanny packs. I mean, those backpacks hold a
lot. The ones that he has, they're.
Like Mary Poppins backpacks, man.
It's amazing how many fucking pokeballs and shit you can keep
in there. Yeah, even in like the later
games, from what I've seen on YouTube, it's just like they
even have like compartments. Like this part is for the

(15:39):
pokeballs, this part is for other stuff.
And like I have 117 potions in this one and like 70 million
elixirs and like 47 pokeballs, but I guess OK.
Shit, we are like literally almost done with this.
I think there's only like 5 or 6left.
Let me see. I'm curious.

(15:59):
We have 1/2, 344. We have 4:00 left in this book.
Oh boy. Why did this go so fast but the
90s one didn't? Was it bigger?
I don't think so. I think they're the same size.

(16:20):
OK, well, strange, but it's the truth.
OK, so. I'm off fucking.
Up. Now it's your turn.
Your turn to talc. OK, you need to explain.
Explain what we're talking abouttoday and why you want to talk
about it, ma'am. OK, so basically I I messaged

(16:45):
Nikki probably it was Sunday andso I forgot what I said
basically like kind of like the gist of what happened for to me
on Sunday. So and the whole like maybe if I
wasn't autistic this wouldn't have happened.
Like maybe I wouldn't have done this to where it wouldn't have
happened. So let me let me preface this by
saying like what I did wasn't like yes, maybe I shouldn't have

(17:11):
done it. But the response by this person
was so over the top. Like I even mess like when I
even like Scott came over last night and I explained to him
what had happened. And I and Scott's one of those
play people he's very pragmatic and he I when I told him I said
I'm kind of worried like to tellyou the story because you're the

(17:33):
type of person which is not a bad thing.
He said person to see it from all sides And so my I'm thinking
OK will he even see it? Like he'll see it from my side
but then will he be like well you should yeah maybe like maybe
they should have reacted like but but yeah maybe you should
have done that like they kind oflike not like behind me 100 like

(17:54):
100% like I needed. So it today is Thursday so this
happens Sunday. I and I told I told Nikki on
Sunday. I said you had your crying
episode. It is my turn.
I I don't I don't think I'll cryanymore I've I've my my eyes
hurt so much because I've cried from like Sunday through
Wednesday not non-stop just a lot like I even like kept my

(18:16):
door closed at work so then likeif I cried no one would just
like see. Well anyway so just had a this
is what happened. So I was on my friend group we
had we were playing D&D and we were doing it at one of their
houses. Let's call him let's call him a

(18:39):
we're doing at A's house And so they the friend that started the
group let's call him Jay. He had gotten these tokens
bought these tokens that are supposed to like represent your
like our characters like a it says like Bard Ranger and like
different different monsters. Like it's just tokens that

(19:00):
represent different things so I can put them on the on the map
whatever to see to like signify what they are.
And so he had bought them and he, what he thought, left them
at Ace House because we were having an Ace house.
So it doesn't make sense for himto keep lugging them back and
forth. So it had been a while since we
had done this because in the meantime, A and his wife had a

(19:23):
baby. So it'd been a few months since
we last met up. And so they could remember where
those tokens are. And I said, oh, I think maybe I
remember you putting something in this drawer, like a drawer
that they have right when you enter their house.
Like you literally enter their house and on the left is like a

(19:43):
wall, like with a closet. And right by that closet is like
one of those long tables that you just put like a random plant
or a lamp on or something. And it has two drawers.
And then they're like, no, I don't think it'd be in there.
I was like, OK, but I don't think they went to go check like
he went to go look in his backroom.
But I just hit my head, was thinking, man, I could have

(20:05):
sworn they put him in there. Like I remember him putting
something in that room or in that drawer.
But I couldn't remember exactly what now my autistic ass could
not stop like thinking like I thought about the entire time,
like I didn't like you do anything about it.
Like I just thought about it. Well anyway, the the night ends.
And like I and mind you, I've been to this person's house

(20:27):
multiple times and we've hung out outside of like.
I mean we've hung out within ourfront group outside of his house
as well a couple times, 0 issues, no problems whatsoever.
So I at the end of the night, we're all packing up and then
we're just kind of like standingaround, Sorry, being too

(20:48):
distracted. I'm pulling up the the
screenshot of the conversation. So we're all standing around in
their kitchen. It's like an open concept.
So they're standing like next totheir island and then opens up
to the living room and literally10 feet away is that drawer.
So I literally just kind of go up.
I walk away from the group in full view of five other people.

(21:12):
I open the drawer. I close the drawer.
I open the drawer next to it. I open it.
I close it. I don't pick anything up out of
the drawer. I don't rifle anything to the
drawer. Literally, my my hand does not
go in the drawer at all. I just look at it, look at like,
see, oh, so it's not in there. I close it.
I go back to join the group. Nothing said nothing.

(21:35):
So next morning I get a text saying, hey, Amanda, I saw you
looking through our drawers lastnight.
That was such an invasion of privacy that you are no longer
invited over to our house. I'm sure you didn't mean
anything by it, but that still doesn't make it OK.
I hope you understand. And this is like like the

(21:56):
following, like 3 days I went through like the five stages of
grief. And like the first one is
denial. So I was like, wait, are you
serious? I was just trying to find the
tokens. I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean anything by it. I said please don't let me not
be a part of the group anymore. I didn't mean any harm.
And he said, I understand that. And like I said, I'm sure you
didn't mean anything. I you didn't mean it wrong.
But that was such an overstep and violation of our house.

(22:19):
We don't feel like we can trust you over anymore.
So like, like I said, I understand.
And people are like, well, you should have looked through the
drawer. That's not your house.
I understand that. I I do.
I I completely, 100% understand that.
It's more of the fact of like. And I brought this up to Nikki
and like other friends, like every single person that like,
I've talked to about this, like,even without saying like what

(22:42):
it's about, I said, what would you do if someone in your house
that you knew has been to your house multiple times, opened a
drawer in full view of you? If that's in your living room
entry or whatever, basically in the communal area of your house,
what would you do? Not a single one of them said, I
would ban them from my house andsay they completely broke my
trust and violated my privacy because because in my mind,

(23:05):
like, I I'm thinking like, OK, so I'm putting myself in his
shoes. OK, so if I told someone, no
though, that won't be in the drawer.
Like I have an end table in my in my living room.
And so if I was saying, oh, I don't know, I don't think it
would be in that drawer. And then they later go and open
the drawer in full view of me, Iwould be like, oh, hey, what you
doing? And they'd be like, oh, I'm just

(23:28):
looking for the tokens or whatever it is.
I'm just seeing if they're in here.
I'm like, oh, well, no, I didn'tthink they would be.
That's. It.
End of story. End of story.
Like I'm like, am I? And I'm like just hypothetical.
Like am I wrong here? Like I don't understand, like
maybe I'm just not getting it. Like I like I said, I understand

(23:48):
shouldn't have formed the drawer.
But it's also like now I am likekicked out of this group
basically because we can't really do these these sessions
anywhere else. His, his, he has the best house
for it and he they just had a baby.
So it's best that they just haveit at their house so they have
the baby. And so I and so I message Jay my

(24:16):
friend and I'm like like you know to see and this like I've
known Jay a lot longer and like he's the one that we you know
introduce everyone. Like we have a group of five
people. They're basically all our combat
denominator is this guy. So I messaged him after I get
that text and I said I'm sure wealready know, but apparently I'm

(24:37):
not allowed at A's house anymore, so I guess we won't be
doing D And DI was looking for the tokens and he said it was an
invasion of privacy. So he no longer trusts me to be
in his house. I'm trying to convince him I
didn't mean to buy it, that I wasn't trying to be malicious.
He go and he said, well, we didn't see anything.
So I can't really say about it. So that is really between you

(24:58):
and him. So yeah, I don't know.
And I'm thinking, and so this iswhere like, it started to morph
from like depression because I like was crying like full on
crying at this point. Like.
So it started morphing into onceI thought about more and more
into anger because I'm thinking and like you said how you always
kind of feel like you're like the outsider of like a group or
whatever. For me it's the same thing.

(25:21):
It's like and I This is why I explained to Scott yesterday,
just in general, like not necessarily with you and him but
just in general of like my wholelife.
Like I always felt like I am. And I even told this to Jay.
I said I feel like I'm the odd one out.
I was lowest on the totem pole of this friend group.
And also it's like, and I told you I'm on our phone call.

(25:43):
If this would have happened, like if anyone else in this
group did what I did, that wouldnot be the reaction that they
got. They might.
Like I said I understand, like if you were annoyed, I'd be
annoyed of like I'm like I said I'd be kind of like, hey, what
are you doing? Nope, not in there.
OK, bye. And then so when banned that
person. So my thought process is OK, so

(26:06):
you're not even obviously you knew to me it reads ads.
You knew that this happened because he said yeah, I didn't
see anything. So it seems like he already knew
what I was talking about. Meaning, either a messaged him
that night after we all left, because we all at the same time
after we left and he messaged him right then, or he'd messaged

(26:29):
me and then he messaged Jay. And so like, and I didn't see
the, I didn't see the text like for several hours, 'cause he
sent it like early in the morning.
And so my thing is, OK, so did you even try?
Like, did you even try to defendme or say, you know, maybe
rethink that? Like, you know, she didn't mean

(26:50):
anything by it. Like, whatever, 'cause, even a
like in the in the later text was like, no, there's no redo,
'cause I I like I said I got to the bargaining thing.
I'm like, he's like, there's no redo.
I'm thinking, well, you're not avery forgiving fucking person.
Then, like, you're acting like I'm some psychotic criminal.
Like, I guess it'd be different if one I did it when they were

(27:11):
all in the other room that they couldn't see me.
And then he walked in to me doing it.
That'd be different. I wasn't in the other room.
I was in the same room where allfive people had full view of me
if they wanted to, 10 feet away in an open concept space.
And I didn't go through their bedroom.

(27:32):
Like, I even used their bathroom.
Like, are you worried? Like, did you did you take
inventory of the soap? Are you worried?
Did I take, did you make sure I didn't take your soap?
Did you make sure I didn't riflethrough your medicine cabinet?
Like, might want to check because apparently I'm this
untrustworthy criminal that you I invaded your space.
When I'm like, I'm in your houseI don't And like and so like, as

(27:54):
I explained to Scott, he goes, which granted Scott and I have
been friends, you know, for 20 years at this point.
So it's just And he goes, he's like, I'm just thinking of all
the times, like, because he has a drawer like a table next to
his entry, like in his entryway that has like, pencils, pens,
whatever, just random odds and ends.
And I look in there if I want toget a pencil or a pen or

(28:16):
something. He goes, I just think all the
times you open that drawer to golooking for something and and
I'll be like, oh, hey, what you looking for?
Oh, I'm looking for a pencil. Oh yeah.
We moved the pencils over here. That's the end of the fucking
story. Right, right.
Like like. Like it's not like.
You're trying to be nosy or someshit.
If you're you were literally looking for something you used
to play the game. Yeah, and so.
Feel full, like you said, full view of everybody.

(28:38):
And it's not. Like they caught you snooping
through their fucking underwear drawer or something.
Yeah, that's that's what bafflesme.
And so it got to the anger part,because so I just preemptively
to basically save my own feelings.
I deleted all of them from my phone, like all the like the
group chat that we had for the D&D group, all their numbers.

(28:59):
And then I removed whoever I hadon Facebook I removed.
And so I feel bad at one point because it's like there was a
guy who super nice, he like, butI'm also thinking, OK, Grant if
he didn't know me enough to where I feel like I I don't.
I don't feel like he's obligatedto defend me.
But I'm also like, OK, is he going to if if he knows by now,

(29:21):
did he even question it? Like am I since this is what I
got done with Scott yesterday? I'm like, I just feel like I'm
so insignificant to people. Like I feel like people's my
relationship with people matter more to me than their
relationship with me matter to them.
Like I feel like in a relationship, like basically if

(29:42):
I were to just disappear. And I'm not saying like I said,
I'm not saying like for you and Scott, I'm saying for just
anyone else in my life like acquaintances, Co workers,
friends that I consider friends or whatever that I can not
necessarily close to it. You know what I mean?
If I were to disappear, like howbadly would that affect them?
I don't mean in like, well, I'm just gonna make sure just to
test them. No, it just how how I'm trying

(30:06):
to phrase this right. It's just it's kind of like I
feel like if I if if me and someone else got into a fight,
I'm always the first one to apologize because it's like I
just want to get it done and over with.
And I feel like if I don't apologize, they're never going
to apologize. Like they're never going to be
the first one. Like usually when I have a fight
with someone, I am always the first one to like reach out.

(30:27):
I rarely have the other person reach out and apologize first or
because it's like if I if I justif I disappear from like their
life for that brief moment it's like they moved on so quickly
that I didn't even I was just a blip on the radar.
So I it turned to anger because I'm thinking OK, did he even the

(30:50):
Jay even like I said even defendme even say well maybe just you
know like I said rethink that you know just reconsider or she
didn't mean anything by it and. She's not.
Like she's really not someone that you couldn't trust in your
house. She was probably.
She might have went about it in a way that made you feel
uncomfortable, and she would apologize for that, but she

(31:12):
wasn't. She genuinely meant no harm by
what she was doing. Like she's not an untrustworthy
person. And it does seem like either he
tried and it didn't go anywhere and just didn't relay that to
you, or he didn't bother, and that's shitty either.
Way because because Scott brought the point.
He goes, yeah, even if, like, he's like, if I was him, because
Scott knows Jay, he goes, if I was him, I would have been like,

(31:35):
yeah, I tried talking him down and it didn't work.
Like, even if that's a lie, thatwould make me feel better.
Like, yeah, like, but no, it's like, well, that's really
between you and him. Like, work it out.
It's like, OK, I get that. I get that, 'cause that's his
house and that's his right to ban whoever he wants from it.
But it's also like that means I'm completely out of the group
because I don't hang out with Jay outside of a friend group

(31:57):
because we originally like we met, you know, and we he's, he's
married. And I'm not into married guys or
anything like that. I'm not into him like that.
But it's more like I only hang out with him with other people.
And the group we had originally,one moved to Pennsylvania and
1:00 just got busy with work andkids and all that.

(32:19):
And so we didn't have the girl anymore.
So he met this other guy and start hanging out with him and
everything. And so now we just every, every
time we did like a activity we just did as a group with this
guy and his wife, including being at Jay's house.
And so now I really can never bea part of any activity, any

(32:42):
group activity with them becauseI never am able to really hang
out with Jay by ourselves, whichI don't really want to because
just reasons. And so it's like it'd just be so
fucking awkward. Like, yeah.
At this point, even if they saideven if a text me, which I he,
they never will. But even like even if they text

(33:04):
me and are like Oh yeah, we thought about it, you know, you
know, blah blah. Maybe we we'll just give you
another another chance. I can never go back to that
fucking house. Like every time I left the room,
I'd be worried that, like, I'd be interrogated or something.
And so 'cause now they obviouslythink so I'll of me, that you're

(33:25):
willing to ban me from your house because I looked in a
drawer in full view of you, thatI obviously am a terrible person
in your eyes. So the whole anger thing is
like, OK, you guys never even considered what this says to me,
how this made me feel, how anything.
And then so like, so as soon as I got home, I threw away my

(33:48):
character sheets. I, like I said delete them all
on my phone. I off of Facebook because I
didn't want to go on Facebook one day and just see that they
removed me from so basically just preemptively saving my
feelings. And so and so I, like I said,
threw away my character sheet, threw away the notes from the
notebook, from our sessions, allthat.

(34:12):
And I I found that I have like these like little Luke cards.
You get these when you play D&D,you get like if you quest or
chest or whatever, you get theselittle cards that signify
things. And so I had four of them, I
think. And so I sent them to Jay, and I
know he got them, but he has yetto say anything, and I know he

(34:35):
won't because he is very passive, which is fine, Like,
he's just a passive person. But the whole, like, hey, I got
your cards. Or well, thanks for turning the
cards to me, but, like, just thewhole that would not even
register, Like, oh, she returnedthe cards.
That means she's never out of the friend.
Like she's completely out of thefriend group.
And so to me, it's like, does that even matter to you?

(34:57):
I feel like I don't matter enough.
Like I I see value myself, but it's and like I'm questioning
like my value to other people, 'cause it's obviously like if I
like, they go to their next D&D session, they're just going to
act like nothing. Like I never existed.
So that's what like hurt a lot. And that's like what mainly
really start getting the whole flipping between depression and

(35:20):
anger because they're just goingto completely move on as if I
didn't exist, as if I don't matter.
And so it's the whole, and it's also like the whole RSD thing.
Like, I feel rejection so much more deeply than most people and
I just don't think they understand that.

(35:40):
And I I don't know if they wouldeven care if they did.
So if they knew how much it hurtme to basically be kicked out of
a friend group and basically lose this group of friends and
basically lose an activity that I like doing.
And so that's what pissed me offso much.
But then like I, like I told youwould have this, this have

(36:00):
happened if I had a neurotypicalbrain.
Like I could like if I I feel like if I wasn't autistic, I
could have let it go. I come in like OK, they're not
in the drawer. And yes you can be like, well, I
mean you can do that like a nonsense people would maybe
someone nonsense people check the drawer or some autistic
people wouldn't check the drawerwhatever.

(36:21):
But I'm just saying, I feel likethere's something that if
something to say that if I wasn't like this, it would have
been easier to let it go and just move on and not look in the
drawer, this mighty drawer that they apparently keep all their
secrets in, like Social Securitycards and treasure and sex toys.

(36:42):
I don't know. They just keeping them all in
their drawer. You know, this front entryway,
drawer, drawer. So that's what really got to me.
Like every, like literally everytime I thought about either
having a conversation or the ramifications of it.
Like I cry. Like my eyes hurt so much from
crying and that's I'm just kind of numb at this point.

(37:02):
So right now I'm like, I'm like moving into like 60% acceptance
and it's still like 30% anger and then 10% depression, 'cause
I'm still like the fact of no one's reached out to me.
No one's like just nothing. And so it's like I that's how
little I matter and that's how like and I like I said that's

(37:23):
how I felt my entire life with alot of relationships, like
friendships, whatever. I feel like I if I mess up in
the slightest, like I lose friendships.
Whereas I'm a I'm a pretty forgiving person when it comes
to people treating me like shit.And so I feel like and I told

(37:44):
Scott I was like, I feel like ifI ever got in a Obesive
relationship I would be the person that stays because it's
like, well I can't get anywhere else.
So. And so that's that's that's.
Yeah. So it's like I don't know if
that that would ever be the case.
But because I don't have that experience.
But I'm just thinking like I I feel like most of my

(38:05):
relationships are me. 90% give and 10% receive that.
I give a lot more thought and emotion and value to
relationships that people give to me.
And that's what like really hurts.
And so that's when I told Scott,I said that's what mainly really

(38:25):
think about. It's like, OK, well I I'm a lot
better now like in a in a betterplace than now than I am like
than I was like 2 years ago. So I'm not like and also
Medicaid, it's that kind of helps Like I'm not totally
falling off the deep end. Like the fact that I got my
crying session over in three days is a miracle in the fucking
self. Like I got like like where I'm
like 60% OK with it. After this, the 4th day, I'm

(38:50):
still angry about it, but it's like I'm not in a pit of
despair. So that's that's just what
that's just what got me about that whole situation.
It's just seeing, like apparently I didn't matter
enough to even put forth an effort to try to keep me in the
group. So that's what just really

(39:11):
rustled my feathers. I'm.
Sorry. It's OK.
Like I said, I I I told like I told.
I told Nikki that I was like, this might be my crying episode,
but I've cried out. Like I can't cry anymore.
My eyes literally are sore from crying.
So I'm just you won't, you won'tcatch me crying on camera today.
Sorry guys I. Don't know.

(39:33):
I feel like this is probably a very prevalent experience in the
autistic community. I know I've had similar
experiences to this, especially for undiagnosed autistic people
or late diagnosed autistic people, where they can look back

(39:53):
on their life and see the times where they've maybe given more
than they should have to a friendship or a intimate
relationship. And it didn't end well for them.
And it ended with a large, you know, realization that that
person just didn't give a shit about you like you cared about
them and I. I don't want to talk about it

(40:14):
too much on here, but like I shared my experience with my
other friend of 20 years, been friends just a little bit longer
than you and I have. I That person was going through
a very rough patch in their lifeand I was dealing with a lot of
my own things. And I felt like there were

(40:35):
several instances where when I tried to reach out about the
things that were going on in their life, that they were not
in a space to talk about those things.
So I quit pressing and that was construed as me backing off and
not wanting to be a part of their life because.

(40:56):
There's like a fine line betweenI want to support you.
I don't want to be there for you, but I also don't want to
push you. Right.
And that's what I tried to explain because every I felt
like every time I would try to ask about the situations that
were going on, it was met with aor, you know, we'll talk about
it another time. I don't have any, you know, I
don't have any energy left to talk about it.

(41:17):
I'm, I'm too tired to talk aboutit or it's, you know, not the
right time. Or, you know, I'd offered to try
to come up and see that person and it was, oh, we'll try to get
together. You know, that particular
instance was like 4 months from now.
And I'm like, OK, like, there's so many things that were weird
to me that contributed to me. I don't want to say backing off,

(41:40):
but that's I guess they're rightin that sense.
I did back off a little bit because I felt like every time I
would inquire, I would get shut down.
So at some point you're going tostop inquiring, right?
I feel like that's only normal. And it wasn't a stop inquiring
out of spite. It was me trying to honor what

(42:01):
they were asking me and not pushright when they're telling me
please not now, right. What am I going to do?
Crawl up their ass and be like, no, tell me anyway?
Like, I'm trying to respect yourboundary at this point that
you're very clearly placing. And that turned into me being,

(42:23):
you know, an absent friend and them ending our friendship
because of it. And it I don't, I still don't
think that's like fully processed for me.
It has a little bit, but like I I know it hasn't fully because I
haven't like had a cry session about it yet.

(42:45):
So I don't know if it's just like denial or or what, but I
can relate in a sense of being afeeling like you aren't.
You aren't as cherished or as thought of or as accepted or

(43:09):
welcomed or cared for by your friends, as it's not the same
level of care that you give them.
It's not the same level of investment that you give to
them, and it always seems to become apparent in situations

(43:30):
like this where there is distance or there's some sort of
misunderstanding and instead of it being discussed and worked
through, it's used as an opportunity to end the
friendship. And it almost is like it's an
excuse to do something that they've been wanting to do for a
really long time and this particular event just gave them

(43:54):
the opportunity to do it anyway.And then then you're going
through all the scenarios. I'm like, what what led to this?
And like you're. Just all of that have been my
fault. Yep.
Yeah. Instead of what's wrong with
that person that they did this to me, it's what did I do to
deserve this? And then you literally replay
every single interaction you canpossibly recall with that person

(44:17):
and analyze and dissect yourselfand how you behaved and what you
said. And maybe I could have said this
differently and maybe that's whythey're upset.
Well, maybe I can reach out and explain myself about that
situation and da da da da. And it's like the reality is
most people don't just drop you on a whim, right?
Most people don't. Especially not in my situation.
Like you don't just end a 20 plus year friendship.

(44:41):
Like basically you just don't. That person would have would
have had to check out a long. Time ago, right, 'cause when I
say 20 year friendship, I mean like, like this person was like
a sibling to me. So like, like you and I, like
we're we knew everything about each other's lives, watched one

(45:01):
of their children be born. So like there's a genuine bond,
or so I thought there was a genuine bond there.
And I obviously that's not the case.
Because when I offered to try tohear that person out and
apologized for whatever I did tomake them feel like they

(45:24):
couldn't, you know, trust me anymore and couldn't be friends
with me anymore, and I offered to hear them out, it was met
with no thanks, Essentially, I'mgood without you, don't need
you, right? So it's not, it's not the best
feeling in the fucking world to be just dismissed.

(45:49):
Like dropped and. Dismissed.
It's like I said it's the whole it's the whole like if I don't
talk to someone for a while, I'meven if we're we didn't fight or
anything. If I, I feel like I rarely have
other people reach out to me as if basically it's like, OK, how

(46:11):
often do other people think about me?
How often do I come up in a conversation like fondly
whatever or like, oh, I need to reach out to Amanda or I'm
thinking about Amanda so I'm going to reach out to her.
Like, I mean it has happened. I'm not saying it never happens.
I'm just saying, I feel like it doesn't happen in the in the
number of times like I do it forother people, in the amount of

(46:34):
times that I reach out to that person, That every time I fight
with someone, I'm always the oneapologizing, even if I don't
feel like I'm in the wrong. I feel like I have to smooth
things over, 'cause it's like I feel like I can't lose this
friendship or this relationship or whatever.
And so I feel like I have to make things right.
Because if I don't, nothing willget done.

(46:54):
Nothing will happen, 'cause it'slike they will just move on as
if I didn't matter, as if I didn't have enough value in
their life to warrant trying to fix it.
And so like, like you said, likethat's what really like this
whole like thing, clarity. It's like, OK, well, obviously I

(47:16):
wasn't worth the effort to keep as a friend, so I didn't hold
much value. And so and I get I because I
didn't want Scott to think I went out the deep end and like a
bout of depression, it's like, no, I still think, like, I still
hold value in myself. This isn't like like I'm like a
like, but it's more like how other people see me.

(47:38):
Why why don't these people care about me the way I care about
them? I don't understand like that.
Like, and I'm saying like a lot.I'm sorry, but I'm trying to
stop. But it's just, what am I?
Like what? And it's also like, what am I
doing wrong? Like what am I?
It's like, I know I'm fucking awkward because one of the
things I brought up is just likeone of those people in this

(48:01):
group I know didn't care for me.Like they tolerated me.
I could tell they were civil by canal.
They never really liked me. And I even looked at their
Facebook and they added everyoneelse in our friend group, even
people that they were met once and I know that because I was

(48:21):
there. So they they added everyone else
in our friend group as friends like 13 like 10/12/13 mutual
friends and then when I tried adding them as a friend.
It was no thank you. It was no thank you.
I don't want to be friends with you on Facebook.
And I know it's juvenile, like, I'm in my fucking 30s, I
shouldn't care who wants to be my friend on Facebook.

(48:41):
But it's more like the whole, OK, what did I do?
Right. To make it to where you are
willing, especially you are willing to be friends with
someone who I know. At one point you felt threatened
by. Based on your reaction to this
person that I saw first hand. You're willing to be friends

(49:02):
with him on Facebook where I am nothing but nice to you.
I just say all these nice thingsto you and I try to, you know,
try. And I'm not saying we have to be
Betty buddies, but the whole I don't understand why.
Like, what's wrong with me to where?
Like what did I do wrong, that sort of thing.
So it's like what did I do to make it to where I wasn't worthy

(49:24):
of being your friend, But all these other people who one of
who I know you didn't care for, you added them on Facebook or
you added someone on Facebook that you met one time so and
have never, I haven't seen in two years.
So that's that's what like baffles me the whole and even
even Scott said even Scott said he goes this is all very high

(49:47):
school not as like a bash to me he he just means to them he goes
he goes how can he goes. I'm so fucking sorry that
happened How I don't understand how someone could do that.
Like he's like, I couldn't imagine he goes, you didn't go
into like I said didn't go into their bedroom didn't sneak off
and like while everyone else is out of the room and he goes, I

(50:11):
don't understand. He's like, that's such an
extreme overreaction. And he goes, he's like, of
course I don't see it from theirside.
I'm like, OK, thank God. I was like, I was like, I was so
worried he, I was like, 'cause he's like, well, I I do see
things from other before I told him a story he's like, well, I
do see things from all sides. I'm like, I understand that.
And that's where I'm now worriedabout I need, I need comfort I
don't need pragmatic Scott. I need my friend is crying and I

(50:34):
need to comfort her. Scott basically the whole
basically the whole and and Perkins and Chris Traeger like
for venting to him he going thatsucks and and instead of giving
a giving a solution that sort ofthing.
I think that's what like I was at my mom's house when I got
this, got this text and my mom, bless her, I love her.

(50:57):
But some of her solutions for things are not the best because
she's like why don't you call him?
Why would I call him? So he knows how how how upset
you are. Do I?
Do you think I don't have any dignity that I'm going to call
someone crying after they bannedme from their house?

(51:17):
Right. No, I'm not.
No, I'm not going to do that. She's like, well, like if I
change his mind, Well, obviouslynot, because he told me that
there's no redo. He obviously has no forgiveness
in his heart. So that's not going to work.
And so I'm not going to call. I'm not going to lower myself
crawling on my belly to this person to beg them to let me

(51:38):
back into their house. No, like like I might not have
the highest self esteem but evenI am not willing to do that.
OK so and so like literally everyone I like told like I
talked to you like Tyler and Mark at the same time and then
Tyler was more like he's like why be really annoyed I said but

(51:59):
would you ban them from your house?
He goes, no, I was like, OK, that's my point.
I understand being annoyed and and just like so everyone I've
I've told have been like, that'sfucking weird.
Yeah, that's what they said. I think they were looking for an
excuse already. Like I think they were looking

(52:20):
for a reason or an excuse of some kind to remove you from the
group. And this was their chance,
right, 'cause it is an extreme reaction to a rather benign
thing, right? Like Tyler said, maybe they
were. Maybe someone would be
incredibly annoyed. Like, what the fuck is this girl
doing going through our shit? But, like, it's extreme to be

(52:40):
banned from someone's home for really much other than, like,
verbal abuse, destruction of property, physical abuse, you
know what I mean? Like general disdain of the
human, Do you know what I mean? Like, it's a pretty big deal to
be banned from someone's home. So, like, you're talking like,

(53:03):
borderline criminal behavior, right?
So, like, I just don't. I don't.
I don't get it. Other than this was an
opportunity to remove you. And I'm sorry that that's like
the conclusion, but I really do think that they've probably been
waiting for an opportunity. And that's shitty.
It's shitty, but I just don't see any other reason why they

(53:28):
would have chose to go about it this way.
They woke up and chose violence,woke up and chose.
Violence. So I mean, I just think in those
scenarios, unfortunately we learn a very shitty lesson to
learn, which is we did not properly pick our people, right?

(53:51):
Not that we would have seen, notthat you could have seen that
coming, right? I couldn't have seen this shit
with my situation coming, although I was a little
concerned, but I didn't see it literally ending a 20 plus year
friendship. I It's just one of those things

(54:16):
where at the end of the day, if those people want to remove you
from their lives, you should letthem.
You know what I mean? Like.
That's why I said like, like even if even if they're like
even if Jay was like, oh, we're having a get together at my
house. So I'm like, OK, well are the
people, these people gonna be there?

(54:36):
Well, yeah. OK, I'm not going.
Like, no, sorry, I'm not going because that's just too fucking
awkward because obviously, like I said, I can't they don't trust
me to be around them so why would I want to hang out with
them? Like, that's like actively going
to hang out with people that hate you.
Yeah. So I like.

(54:57):
I can have. I can have.
Like, I I can. I can let you remove yourself
from my life and not have, you know, contact with you and still
wish you well. But, like, we don't got to hang
out. We don't got to pretend to like
each other. If if this is what it is, then
this is what it is. Like, we're done.
If we're done, we're done. If you've said no, then it's no.

(55:18):
Like you don't get to say no andthen be like, oh, but you can do
this, that and the other thing, if we're done, we're done,
right? Like we're not doing that.
And it does kind of make you look desperate to show up
somewhere where these people are.
It makes you look like you have no self esteem and no self worth
and that's not who you are as a person.
So maybe it's just a no, right. It's just a no for me.

(55:42):
It's a no for me. Thank you.
It's OK. Like what is that?
Is that American? No, it's not American Idol.
It's is it X Factor where they're like it's a no.
For me dog, it's a no for. Me dog, it's no for me dog.
Yeah. So like it's really like one of
those things where when it's like the epitome of people if
when people show you who you are, who they are, believe them.

(56:04):
You know what I mean? Like when someone shows you who
they are, believe them. So it's.
I feel like those were not your people.
And even though it's painful, and it's like, rightfully so,
right? Like rightfully so, it's a
painful situation, there's something that being removed
from your life, freed up time for something else to come in

(56:29):
that is worth your time. Do you know what I mean?
What that is right now, we don'tknow.
But obviously this was not meantto be something that you
continued to spend your time on.Because these people clearly has
have no they have no care for you, they have no respect for

(56:55):
you, and you don't seem to wasteyour time or even grace.
Like you don't need to waste your time in the presence of
people who do not have anything but love for you.
Do you know what I mean? Or a bare minimum fucking
respect for you and especially back on that word grace.
It's like I felt in my situation.
It's like, well, you're allowed to back off, right?

(57:20):
And. Ghost and not tell me things and
you know dis include me from shit, but when I read the room
and give you the space you're asking for, then the friendship
is over and we're done. Right then it's my fault.
I backed off. I, I and I made it to where that
person felt like they had to endthings right.

(57:42):
It was my fault. And I think that's real
convenient. I am the type of person that
when there's a problem, which you know this, there's an issue,
I want to let's fucking talk about it.
I want to address it. I want to hit it head on.
I can't. My favorite saying I can't fix
things I don't know about right.I can't fix a problem I don't
know about. It's my favorite fucking saying.
So if there's a fucking problem and we've been friends for 20

(58:07):
plus years, don't you think you'd have said?
Bitch, what is going on with you?
You ain't talked to me in 2 weeks.
You know what I mean? Like, wouldn't you have said
like what the fuck over, right. You would have said something to
me. You wouldn't have just let me
disappear. I don't even let you disappear
for more than 24 hours, OK? I'm like hello hooker.
Are you dead? Like I I do not like disappear.

(58:28):
She went from like 3:00 PM untillike 7:00 PM She's like, is this
this is one of those times whereyou act like you're dead or
something like that? I go, ma'am that was actually
the day that I was hanging out with them.
And so I was like, well, one, I was driving when you text the
first time and then I was at their house until just this
moment. So no, I just was busy.

(58:49):
There are times where I I do like when it comes to the like
when it comes to the weekends, it's kind of like I just kind of
like throw my phone off to the side and ignore it because when
you're. Allowed to do.
But I've asked her to please letme know when she's going to
enter recluse mode so that I'm not like, bitch, are you alive?
Calling Scott. Calling her mother.
Like I will blow up everybody phone if I don't hear from her.

(59:11):
So like, it's not. I don't play games with this
woman If I don't hear from her, it's like, bitch, are you dead?
Right. So like I'm not.
I'm not here for the bullshit oflike, well, it's all your fault.
Like, no, it's not all my fault.There's been shit that's gone on

(59:32):
on both sides of the fence that I'm sure there's apologizing in
place for, but like, if you don't bring it up that you're
upset, I'm not going to push that fucking issue with you.
I don't. Know.
So it's also like we're like natural problem solvers.
It's like, correct, like you said, you can't fix what you
know you don't know about. But it's also like I don't how

(59:54):
do I how do I phrase this 'causemy brain is trying to leak out
my out of my out of my ears? Yeah, I know we're probably
running up on time. So yeah, so it's it's it's like,
OK, so I'm willing to fix this, but you need to meet me halfway.
So or even like, I just just trya little bit, 'cause it's like
constantly having to reach out to someone for just anything is

(01:00:18):
exhausting. And I get like I get it to where
like I get being at the point where you feel like you can't
talk to anybody. But all you have to say is.
And like I know she said this. I know she's like I I don't have
it in me to say about it. But you can't just keep kicking
the can down the road and then getting upset when the person

(01:00:38):
tries to pick up the can down the road that you kicked.
And you're mad at it now. Like you're mad like like well
how dare you do like how dare you try to do this now like I've
to try it. Like ma'am you're the one
pushing the the situation further and further away.
I'm just letting you do it. Like if you're telling me that

(01:00:58):
you don't want to communicate, am I supposed to set like a
calendar reminder every week to check up on you?
But then at that point that would annoy you.
Like I'd like a notice with no one's situation, because it's
like either. That's how I felt.
It's like if I keep pushing, they're going to get irritated,
right? And they're going to back off
even further and then it's a fight.

(01:01:20):
But if I apparently me backing off like they asked was also not
what they wanted either. And I feel like that's if I can
look back like hindsight being 2020, anytime there's been like
we haven't thought very much. But like, anytime there's been
like a disagreement or an issue,it's a big, huge blow up and we

(01:01:43):
don't speak right And that person will dump everything I've
ever done wrong and then right and then cut me off.
And it's like, obviously you've been thinking about a lot of
things. A lot of things I've been doing
or saying have been bothering you.
So it's like instead of waiting until you literally can't take
it anymore and you're so pissed you could kill me to say

(01:02:05):
something, could you just fucking tell me when I've upset
you? And then we can talk about it
and then we can move on? Like, I don't that's how you
resolve shit as an adult. You fucking talk about it.
And I'm sorry that at almost 34 years old, I am in a time in my
life where I am incredibly fucking busy.
I have an entire myriad of shit that I am responsible for, on

(01:02:29):
top of which I am fucking neurodivergent.
I only have so many goddamn spoons in a day.
I didn't see this person checking up on me all the
fucking time. So God forbid a couple of times
you've texted after weeks of nothearing from you and have been
like pissed, 'cause I didn't getback to you right away.
You know what I mean? Like, I can't.

(01:02:50):
I will not and cannot be everything to everybody all the
time. And I'm curious if like, part of
it, part of them feeling the waythey felt, was that it's like
you and I have time to do this, so why don't you have time to
call and talk to me or text me or whatever?
And like for that part I can understand and and apologize,
but like I am also a human and Iwas going through a lot of my

(01:03:14):
own shit at the same time and trying to navigate all of these
relationships and all these responsibilities and at some
point the ball's going to get dropped, right?
At some point. I can't do everything all the
time. But there wasn't going back to
that word grace. There's no fucking grace for me
when it happens. None whatsoever.
Forget about all the many times I could fucking think of where

(01:03:36):
Massive Grace was given to this person for how they've treated
me, what they've said to me overthe 20 plus years we've been
together as friends. Not together, but you know, like
20 plus years we've been friends. 0 for me.
Fucking zero. I mess up.
I'm done. And it's like I don't understand

(01:03:57):
that. I don't understand that.
I'm sure it's something that person needs to work through on
their own time, and I hope that they do.
But like I that is volatile, that is not trustworthy, that is
not a safe relationship to be inif every time I mess up I'm cut
off. Do you know what I mean?
And I do think, like you said that people pleasing thing.

(01:04:18):
Like, I can think back on the 20plus years we were friends And
the fact that we didn't fight very much was mainly because a
lot of times when I felt that person did something that was
shitty, I didn't want to pick the.
Fight. Yeah.
Or just like instantly forgave them.
Because I knew that if you know the track record, if I pick the
fight, I'm cut off. So it's like, and I didn't want

(01:04:40):
to lose that person because theymeant everything to me and I
didn't want to lose that person.So I didn't pick the fight.
And it's like, but on top of notpicking the fight, it's not that
I was, I wasn't holding. I chose to just forgive and move
on. It's not about like I didn't
pick the fight and then I held on to that for the rest of our

(01:05:01):
friendship together. And every time they made me even
more mad. I added it on top of the fucking
pile until I blew up on them andended it on them.
Like this is 20 plus years and I've never been like, we're done
being friends. Never once in 20 plus years have
I looked at that person and saidfuck you, I'm done, right?
But they've done it to me now twice.

(01:05:24):
So it's it's really frustrating.So I'm, I'm just saying I get
it. I don't want to make this about
me. I'm just saying I get it.
But I do feel like it's about that time.
Unless you have anything else you would like to add, ma'am, I
do think we should probably wrapit up.
No, I think I've said my piece multiple times.

(01:05:45):
It's just like I said, if we just our brains work
differently. And I mean everyone's brains
works differently but it's it's the point of like being able to
let things go just is either like letting that sort of thing
go is hard but then letting letting go of relationship is
hard for us too because it's like well this person was

(01:06:07):
treating me like this but I can't let the relationship go
because it's like I won't have anything else.
Like, like you said, like I havebriefly talked about this where
I had a a friend who that was a neighbor, you know, since 10
years old. And I went to another neighbor's
house, another friend, and they were putting a pool in their

(01:06:28):
yard and said a bunch of dirt piles.
And I went and hang out with them and they literally rubbed
dirt and crumbled dirt on my head and in my hair.
And I still remain friends with them because it's like, well, if
I get mad or if I try to speak up for myself, I will.
I basically lose that, you know,friendship, like friendship,
quote UN quote, friendship. And so it's like I won't have

(01:06:48):
anyone else. Like these are people that are
my neighbors and if I lose them,then I won't have anyone to hang
out with. I won't have people at school to
hang out with. So that's the whole, like I
said, staying in like abusive relationships.
Like I said, I don't know obviously what I would do in
this relation, like a situation like that.
I would hope that I would like not put up with it.

(01:07:08):
But it's also like my tracker released with friends.
It's like, what would I, what would I go through to keep
someone in my life? So that sort of thing.
So I think we get each other in that sort of respect.
Yeah, and like I told you the other day, I cut a bitch for
you. Mm hmm.
And I sent you that thing. It's like I bare.
I helped my friend bury body, you know?
That's right. And we have 82.

(01:07:31):
We'll just forget where it is. That's right.
Yeah, like I'm she is my ride ordie bitch.
She just never She never steers me wrong without my permission.
It's like, do you want me to tell you the truth or do you
want to go to Dilute Louisville?Yeah.

(01:07:51):
Oh my God, I love it. But yeah, like, I feel like you
really are like the only friend.Like, yeah, there's been periods
of time where we like we've gotten in one fight, but but it
was like when I was in Dululuville and it was like my
fault for being ridiculous and. Yeah, because I I can think of
one. I don't know if we're thinking
about the same one but I'm thinking of like one.

(01:08:11):
And I it ended up with me like Iwas I was in like at Walmart and
we were in the middle of our conversation like texting and I
start crying. And this lady I apparently I
looks I was trying to I was trying to hold the dead.
And this lady, this older lady in the house, she's like is
everything OK, dear? And I'm like, yeah, I'm just
trying to think of the butt chips I want to buy, like as I'm

(01:08:34):
tears in my eyes like that. It's like it's like I'm
struggling. It's OK.
Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I was.
I we've touched on this. I was not always the most gentle
human in the world, OK? I used to be quite the
ridiculous human. Still can be sometimes, But
there's definitely been times where you and I have have

(01:08:54):
stopped talking for a little while, But not because.
Not maliciously. Like not.
Yeah, not maliciously like it's.Just we were living our own
lives because we're two fucking adults who understand that.
Like, yes, we try to check up oneach other or whatever, and we
obviously we talk more now than we did before because of the
show. But it's also like even before
that. It's like we could go at least a

(01:09:15):
month or two without talking andit's and we would just like hey,
how's it going? Like we just.
Like, Oh my God, I'm sorry. I forgot the world existed.
Other than what I was doing in my own life.
How are you? Are you alive?
What is life? And there was never like a fuck.
You bitch. Where have you been?
Do you know what I mean? Like it's just be like, yeah, me
too. Sorry.
You know, like and it just is what it is.
But I mean, fuck, like with Scott, the first time I had

(01:09:37):
really had a lot of conversationwith him in fucking years was
what? Right before the wedding?
And it's like we just picked up,like I hadn't not talked to him
in fucking a year, do you know what I mean?
It's like, there's we're adults.Like, is that ideal that that
happens. Do I want that to be the case
with the people that I love? No.
But, like, sometimes that fucking happens and you can't
help it. And the peep that the test is

(01:09:59):
like, will these people, the thepeople who will accept you back
with no questions asked after you know you just accidentally
dropped off the fucking face of the earth, are the people who
really know who you are Because those people aren't thinking the
worst of you, right? I've been thinking about this
for a long time too, which maybethis could be its own episode.
But like, I'm tired of associating with people who

(01:10:23):
automatically think the worst ofme off bat.
You know what I mean? Like anything I say and do is
automatically viewed in a certain lens of negative.
And I feel like I've had a lot of experience with that too.
So maybe we'll talk about that. Maybe this will be like a Part 2
kind of thing. Maybe we'll talk about that next
time where it's like how most things that neurodivergent

(01:10:47):
people or autistic people how they're how they're perceived is
almost immediately questioned orin a negative light because of
maybe a an interaction with a neurotypical that was
misunderstood. Right.
Like 1 instance of misunderstanding now coats you
in this negative light that you will never cut, never get away
from. But OK let's wrap it up.

(01:11:09):
Let's let's roll the roll the credits if you are sticking
around. Jeremy is just on the other side
of the transition here. In just a second, let me spit
out all of the things and all the places people can find us.
So all, everywhere, socials are platformed.
Our social media handle is the same.

(01:11:31):
It's at the NDC podcast, so THENDC podcast everywhere.
Socials are platformed. We have a tweeter, we have an
Instagram, we have a Facebook, we have a Discord, we have what
else I think I signed us up for.Yeah, YouTube.

(01:11:51):
We have an e-mail as well if you'd like to be on the show.
If you'd like to talk to us in along form, you know, way, any of
that jazz, send us an e-mail at the ndcpodcast@gmail.com.
So you can do that there. Everything's LinkedIn.
The show notes, as always, please.

(01:12:13):
I'm going to get it posted tonight because I think I've
finished the thing. I'm going to get posted tonight.
The meme shelf. I'm going to pin a post to our
Facebook page. Only the Facebook page because
something already exists on Discord and for whatever reason
you people won't fucking go overthere.
It's fine. That's just our personal hangout

(01:12:35):
space with Ray and now Micah. So which is the best partner as
our personal hangout space Over there with them?
Since y'all don't want to come hang out with us?
It's fine. Facebook will be pinned the meme
shelf. Please add your neurodivergent
memes to the meme shelf. I do not want to do a
neurodivergent meme review with a half ass empty meme shelf.

(01:12:56):
Ray is carrying the fucking memereview right now.
OK, don't make them work alone. They need your assistance.
OK, please put some shit on the meme shelf.
How you do that is you go to thepinned post and you comment with
a meme. OK, comment your favorite memes

(01:13:16):
on the pinned post. Or you can put them in the
discord if you want to come hangout.
But y'all ain't doing that, so Facebook it is.
Add your memes to the meme shelf.
Episode 55 Zero coming up in exactly 8 weeks.
At the time you're hearing this,it'll be exactly 8 weeks.
Go do that so we can have that meme review.

(01:13:38):
I'm thinking might also do it live, might stream it live and
then we'll have a playback. Do it right.
Just fucking do it live. Sorry.
Yeah, I think we're going to do it live.
We'll stream it. But anyway, please go put some
shit on the meme shelf. Apart from that, I don't think
I'm leaving anything out. We've plugged all the socials,

(01:13:58):
the e-mail and the meme shelf. Did you see what animals I am?
Not yet, but we will do that after Jeremy.
This that's that is for the people who stick around for
Jeremy. I'm sorry, but if y'all do not
want to stick around for Jeremy,you do not get the anonymous
animals either, OK? If you want anonymous animals
and Jeremy, you have to stick around after we cut it.

(01:14:22):
So if you're not sticking around, thank you for listening
as always and we will see you next Thursday.
Let's hit the credits. OK.
Bye. Bye.

(01:14:59):
OK. All right, folks, we're back.
We're going to go through the animals because we have a
delight. Two are two of a delight.
But we finally, I feel like thisis a momentous thing here.
On episode 40, Amanda has finally gotten the option to be
a squirrel. Yay.

(01:15:20):
The ADHD Neurodivergent Podcast finally got the squirrel option.
Also in our AI story document, she has the option to be a
narwhal. Narwhal Narwhal.
Bye, buddy. Hope you find bad.
That's all I can think of when Ithink of narwhals.
OK, so I'm assuming you're gonnachoose.

(01:15:42):
Yes, I really like narwhals, butthe squirrel is just iconic, you
know, that's like our mascot. So I guess I'll go with that.
OK, yeah, we got we got a squirrel as the gift from the
from the podcast Gods gave us a squirrel.
So yeah, if I think we must, we must go with squirrel.
OK, Amanda's a squirrel. Mm hmm.

(01:16:06):
Squirrel. We're on episode 42.
Yep. OK, and I'm reading Jeremy this
time, so allow me to pull it up.OK, Is everybody ready to go?
Just quick little recap. Goddammit.
Quick little recap from last week.
Sympathy's lost her goddamn marbles.

(01:16:27):
She's evil now. She is now the cynic Princess of
evil. There's a new character.
Her name is Velvet. She's a black cat, Black Velvet.
As we like to refer to her. For whatever reason, she was
sent on a mission to find sympathy.
We don't yet know why and we won't found find out this week

(01:16:50):
either. But upon meeting Velvet, Jeremy
literally had a meet cute with her.
Ran into her fell on fucking love.
Love at first sight. Like have you ever seen Once
Upon a Time. It's like that whole thing
right? Like how how charming and what's
or nuts met like that whole thing right.
It's just no white character whatever the fuck are no not

(01:17:11):
enchanted The like Once Upon a time for the the TV show how how
the Prince Charming and whateverthe fuck her name was Snow Snow
White. Yeah, Snow White met, so yeah,
so that. It's like that, right?
They ran into each other. Was a cute little tumbly, tumbly
thingy. Right.
She's a bitch. She's like, fuck you, I don't
need you. I don't need no man.

(01:17:31):
Right. I can do it myself.
I'm a badass bitch, right? So she's playing the hard to
get. And Jeremy's like like obsessed,
right? So like tongue hanging out of
mouth. Google eyes can't focus so it
fits and sympathy tries to kill her and everyone's Finnegan

(01:17:53):
fainted cause go figure. And everyone's running.
They're fucking running, OK? And that's where we cut it off.
They run in, they ass off. So here we go, We're finna get
in to this week's episode. Here we go.
This is the prompt that I gave. The AII did help it quite a bit,
but it contributed way more thistime than it did last time.
Last time was like 100% me. OK, here we go up this way.

(01:18:16):
There's a cave we can hide in. She'll never find us there,
Velvet said. Jeremy Finnegan and Binky ran as
fast as they could behind Velvet.
Sympathy was still trailing them, but they had entered A
dense forest and she could not see exactly which way the group
had gone. OK, this is where the AI takes
over. Sympathy gave chase for a time,
but after losing several trails,soon gave up and returned to the

(01:18:38):
camp. Which is wrong from here on out,
because actually, she never returned to the camp.
Here we go. Where the hell did she go?
Jeremy snapped. I don't know, but we have to
move, said Finnegan. She could have gone anywhere,
Binky said. Move faster, Velvet ordered.
Of course she did. The group ran on, racing through

(01:18:59):
the woods. Sympathy kept on on their trail,
But she's supposed to be at the camp, but she's on their trail.
OK, it's fine. Velvet, Jeremy, and Binky were
all panting from their running. They reached a Cliff on the edge
of a of the forest, where and were caught by surprise.
Sympathy leaped over the Cliff and came up behind them.
They were frozen, with only a moment to react.

(01:19:19):
The night was still, and the only sound was the screeching of
sympathy snarling in the distance.
This very cinematic. Like, you could picture this
going down like I have. I have this visual in my brain
of like, like, like, majestic fucking horse jump over a Cliff,
right? And then, like, sliding in front
of them. Snay, bitches, snay.
Like I'm right here. Maximus I think a maximus from

(01:19:42):
Tangled. Yes, yes, like.
And then just like stopping and like fucking get you bitch.
Right. I can just see it.
And then. So here we go.
Run. Binky screamed.
They ran down the cliffside, their legs burning.
The moon hung low in the sky, and the forest was quiet except
for the scream of sympathy in the distance.

(01:20:02):
They were nearly to the bottom when Binky tripped.
Fucking. Of course he did, because
someone got a fall. When you're running, somebody
do. The others barely managed to
keep from falling over him as they reached the bottom.
So they were like, fuck you, I'mout.
We ain't picking you up. They looked back at the edge of
the Cliff. The moonlight was reflected off
a pair of eyes. 2 red eyes stared at them.

(01:20:22):
Thankfully it was just two. Look, she's coming, Binky
screamed. They dashed up the hill, a
devilish laugh echoing behind them.
They ran to the riverbank and drew weapons.
They waited for sympathy to reach the riverbank.
She appeared snarling, ready to sink her teeth into Binky's
neck. Binky stood his ground.
This is where I had to fucking intervene, OK?

(01:20:43):
Because at this point, sympathy turned into a goddamn vampire,
jumped at Binky, bit him in the fucking neck, and the AI
literally said that his blood nourished her as she chewed on
him. It was disgusting.

(01:21:04):
Then Jeremy trying to jump in and be like, I won't let you do
this to Binky. Well, she already done fucking
did it to Binky, so it made no fucking sense.
And it was me Gusta. No me Gusta.
It was murderous and weird and not following any sort of plot
line. And it wouldn't have been funny.
It would have just been gross. So I had to highly edit this
last bit. So here we go.

(01:21:25):
With nowhere to go but across the river, Binky turned to face
sympathy and yelled sympathy, Stop.
This isn't you. We're your friends.
Sympathy laughed. I am far more powerful than you.
My army is stronger, My people are stronger.
I can kill you and I will. Then we have a matter of cry.
Do what? I said I I have an army.
We have a Hulk. Yeah, that's right.

(01:21:46):
We have a Hulk. Exactly.
We have a Hulk, bitch. We have a Jeremy.
Fuck off. Yeah.
Then we have a matter of pride. I can defeat you, Binky replied.
Then we have a matter of concern.
Sympathy said. It's your choice.
Binky said. Get it, Binky.
Get it. Stand in your fucking your
little tiny ass. Stand in your ground.
You'll get them, Binky. Go, Binky.
The sky began to grow darker. A menacing storm began to form

(01:22:09):
above them. The moonlight began to fade, but
the light from the moon gave them enough light to see their
enemy. That was a very strange
sentence. Who is that?
Finnegan asked. Fucking Finnegan.
I can't This part. I didn't ask you this part.
Was all AI. OK, well, no, I lied.
The next sentence was not AI. And then the rest of it like

(01:22:31):
sort of is half an hour. The who's who is that Is is all.
Finnegan is all AI. Did you hit your head when you
fainted or something? That's sympathy.
You know the reason we've been running this whole time?
Jeremy replied. She is powerful, Finnegan said.
You think? Binky said sarcastically.
You have no idea, Jeremy replied.

(01:22:52):
The moon slowly dropped behind alarge cloud.
What are you waiting for? Fight me?
Sympathy shouted. Sympathy lunged forward.
But just before she reached Binky, a nearby tree was struck
by lightning and fell between them.
Velvet screamed. Now is our chance.
Let's go. As the friends ran for The Cave,
they could hear sympathy in the distance.
Not good enough. A tree may have bought you time,

(01:23:15):
but I will find you to be continued.
Yay. That was Jeremy.
Stop with the God damn it, Amanda just saw your emoji.
I did one. Just one.
I had that. So yeah, so that that's

(01:23:36):
Chronicles of Jeremy this week. I, like I said, I did help it,
but a lot of the funnier bits was a the Who's that?
That was AI. It was like, oh, we're going
with it. We're going with that fucking
Finnegan man. He's a joke.
But it's fine, OK? God damn.
I forgot to bring my charger over here and my shit's dying

(01:23:56):
so. We gotta get going.
Mm hmm. We gotta go well.
I get up, Gotta get going. Gonna go see a friend.
Got him. Yeah.
Go to see a friend. Friend mine.
He's fun and he's fuzzy. I love him because he's just
Pooh Bear. Winnie the Pooh Bear?
No. Copyright, It's fine.

(01:24:17):
Chasing some honey bees. No cover right here.
I got to talk. So they don't copyright us.
It's me and it's you and silly. Oh, Winnie the.
So. I love it.
Yep, I'm singing, so it's time to be done.

(01:24:38):
Yep, the CHD has really kicked in.
Now his meds are wearing off. I'm in a store and I'm singing.
There's no singing in the North Pole.
Yes, there is. All right, we're done.
Goodbye. I love you.
Bye, it'll love you too. Goodbye.
Bye. Goodbye.

(01:25:02):
Me, Me. Refresh.
That one's good. A narwhal, A narwhal squirrel, a
narwhal and a squirrel. We finally got a squirrel.
Oh, it's a weird hard. Choice.
I love that. OK, OK.
OK.

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