June 25, 2023 • 43 mins
This episode, Joseph Pereira is on the show!
Join us as we have an honest and heartfelt conversation about the beautiful, chaotic, and ever-changing journey of parenting. From the importance of being present and learning from the everyday moments to the bittersweet feeling of watching our children grow and leave the nest.
Discover the raw emotions and mixed feelings that come with raising kids, the challenges of balancing work and family life, and the continuous learning process of being a parent. We also touch upon the dynamics within a family, the importance of communication, and the significance of supporting our loved ones emotionally.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Coming up in this episode of not-so-secret dad's business.
My biggest challenge for myself,is I've talking to a lot of
people like, oh, you got kids. How do you deal with them?
My biggest challenge, is not being here.
That is that is my honest answer.
Like I am jealous. I am fucking honestly jealous.
(00:23):
That Dana is fortunate enough tobe there for the kids more than
I am. but these are the roles that we play, I'm able to
provide but that really is my answer like II wish I could be
there more for them. A you new to fatherhood, not
sure if your dad into your full potential.
(00:45):
Well you've come to the right place.
Most dad's aren't talking to each other about their lives as
dad's look at some kind of secret.
Well, this is the podcast that takes a secret out of
fatherhood. This is not so secret dad's
business. Good eye, good eye.
(01:09):
Welcome to another episode of not-so-secret dad's business.
Got another one for you, from the archive today, guys.
Now, this one, I recorded with Joe about hmm about a year ago,
so a lot of things have changed in.
Joe's life and whatnot. So the oldest boy in his
household has recently graduatedEdge weighted high school and
(01:32):
he's getting ready to start his own life, which is really cool.
And you know, I believe, as I speak, the Pereira family may
actually be on that trip in Italy that Joe was talking
about. So this week I've got Joe on the
podcast and it was really, really an interesting
(01:54):
conversation for me to have withhim.
So in this episode we have an honest and heartfelt I should
about the beautiful chaotic and ever-changing journey of parent.
And, you know, we go from the importance of being present and
learning from everyday moments to the Bittersweet feeling of,
you know, watching our children grow up and leave the nest and
(02:18):
you know again with Mason that'll be coming soon.
I guess so look to noon. As we explore the depths of
Parental, love the complexities of relationships and the lessons
we can all take. Take away from these shared
experiences. You know, whether you're a
parent yourself or simply interested in the intricacies of
family life. I think this episode has some
(02:41):
really relatable stories and some valuable insights for you.
So let me introduce my good friend Joseph, Pereira.
(03:07):
Hi guys, thank you so much for joining me on not-so-secret
dad's business today, man. Absolutely pays you for having
me here today. That's my pleasure man.
My pleasure. So before we kick things off, so
people sort of get an idea of who you are.
You are the participation trophyhusband.
(03:28):
I am definitely participation trophy has been material like
I'm definitely not top shelf. I'm mid-shelf Definitely, not
low shelf. But you know, I'm somewhere in
between and yeah, then as a goodkind of part, she does her, she
doesn't own business, and I'm here to support her along with
the family. Yeah, that's awesome.
(03:49):
Man. I made she's got a lot going on
at the moment so I think it's really cool.
The, the dynamic that you guys have you.
You're both help each other out and everything.
So look, tell me a little bit about your family set up because
you and Dana have Two little ones of your own together.
Plus dinosaur also got two teenage boys.
(04:11):
So our family didn't Dynamic is two older boys.
The to youngers, are almost seven and five seven.
Yeah, seven and five and it is definitely a good experience.
I actually just had a trip out like a week ago because I
(04:32):
remember the two older boys. I just mentioned the Dana like
literally a week ago is like twoolder boys are younger when I
first met them younger. Then our two Littles together.
I'm like we've been together that long wear when I first met
Mason and Kai that they're younger than it to kids that we
(04:54):
have. Now the cause you guys have been
together almost eleven or twelveyears now having it.
Yeah. It's coming on 12.
Feels like forever. Doesn't.
It doesn't really some people are complaints about that but to
me, it's a joy. I loved Anna.
I love the kids like it's struggling.
(05:16):
Is at times, but don't get me wrong, it's all worth it.
Like, at the end of the day, like who else would I rather be
with nobody dancers, nobody? She's top shelf, top shelf, top
shelf, participation Trophy, Wife, absolutely.
I hear you man. No, I mean like, your two little
ones. Absolutely.
Beautiful. And I think it's amazing how
(05:39):
your daughter is is a spitting image of Diana and your son is a
spitting image of you. It's almost like A clone copy of
yourselves in the house. That's absolutely true.
I'll say that. Sometimes I like get a little
offended with people saying thatJoslyn looks like Dana a little
(05:59):
bit and I'm like, hmm. She's like a girl version of me.
Like she definitely got more like when she was born.
Like both of them were like Yeah, they came from Daddy but
you know, I'm appreciative that as she grows older that, you
know, those those finer lady features are going to help her
out and in the long run but you know, I'm gonna grab my shotgun
(06:21):
later on and in the years when she gets older.
But for now me Yeah. Yeah, that's it not much to
worry about right now, right? So tell me, do you have many
issues when it comes to the different dynamics of raising
children of two totally different age groups.
(06:42):
So fortunate, laughs Dean has been a big help with that
throughout the years since I ever met her like There's been
times where I've wanted to discipline the older boys and
basically maybe even give them guidance.
It's kind of like a hit or miss type of thing.
(07:05):
Like it's more of. I appreciate her error
standpoint. As far as like saying hey you
know Joe let me handle it. Let Chris which is their
biological dad handle it. And I don't actually don't take
offense to it at all. and when Iactually think about it, You
(07:26):
know, I'm here to give support the net nature.
Like, I don't want to be like the person that says, hey, don't
go doing something or whatever your ideas.
Like, I don't want to downplay someone's idea like, hey, you
want to be a rocket engineer rocket scientists like, no,
that's not me. I'm gonna be like, hey, you know
(07:48):
what, you want to be a rocket engineer?
Here's some books. Let me know if it's for you, but
as far as like the disciplinarian And trying to put
somebody on the right track. II kind of like, step back a
little bit and actually appreciate that roll a little
bit only because Dana actually takes like charge of it and so
(08:10):
does a so does Chris. Like I don't want to overstep my
boundaries and I could appreciate the role I play in
their life. I'm more as a hold you up.
I don't want to be the put you down.
I'm here for support just like agood friend like is anybody's
ever? Had a good friend like one's
(08:31):
actually support them. That's, that's the way I want to
be for them. Absolutely not.
That's awesome. I locked that.
Do you, do you find it hard sometimes to separate yourself
from from that though because obviously, you're, you're the
father of the two younger children and so you have you
play that role obviously of disciplinarian and, and whatnot
(08:53):
with the younger to do you do sometimes find it hard to sort
of separate that part of your Yourself from the older.
To there is an interesting Dynamic there when you say it
like that, but the younger too, like I'll discipline them
saying, hey, you can't do this, you can't do that.
Like, it is what it is. But for the older to again, I'm
(09:17):
there to be supportive, but the same time I want to be loving
and caring for them. So, it is difficult to reiterate
that The honor to definitely getmore guidance from me as
compared to the older to as far as what I see is right and
(09:37):
wrong. But again that that whole
instrument is put in place by Dana is so that the two older
boys don't resent me or hate me for something again.
Which is appreciative and I don't really take offense to it.
Like, to answer your question. I don't really take advance to
it at all. There is a different Dynamic
(09:58):
there, but it's all right. And when I think about it is the
oldest one Mason, you know, he'll he'll actually complain
about This is one thing. I find really funny.
By the way, he'll complain aboutthe older younger to.
Sorry. The younger, two about how they
(10:20):
don't, listen to him about his words of advice.
And I've been trying to tell him, like, maybe, like, back
hendley, say, hey man, like whatdo you think me and mom duty all
the time? It's like these are words of
advice. You don't like to hear it.
Like, you'll see the younger andthe older one like arguing, I'm
(10:43):
like Mason you are actually me and Mom.
And Johnson and Jonah? Are you?
You haven't figured it out yet but that's exactly the dynamic
you're playing. So when I when I when I see them
sharing that moment I'm like this is just funny.
(11:03):
I'm just like hey buddy, you might want to take a step back
because it's like you're you're laying on a dynamite stick.
It's like you don't know if it'sgonna blow the Rock at the Rock
the right way. It's going to split it or is
this gonna like blow up in your face?
Face. And fortunately enough so far at
(11:24):
least in my opinion. It's a crack the Rock and you
know we are seeing diamonds here.
Yeah, I'll come. I can't see where you're coming
from there as well because I'm You know, kids don't always take
their advice, they think that us, you know, he's mom or his
dad just telling me what to do again.
(11:45):
I know it all, you know, and that's the beauty of being a
kid, I guess. Like you think you know it all
because you want to know so muchat that point and if you don't
know something, you can't say you, you know, it.
Can you, I know that sounds stupid but it's again with you
with the oldest one, you know, Ithink it's really funny how he's
trying to give advice Getting frustrated that a five and a
(12:08):
seven year old aren't taking that on board because a five and
a seven year old. Don't think that way that
they've got their own sort of agenda going on and whatever he
has to say doesn't really add into that and and necessarily
sorry to cut you off. Like almost feel like until the
even even now like the 15 and 16year old like we're in the same
(12:33):
boat. Like you're still not listening
and you still want to argue but guess what?
Mom and Dad are still looking atafter you Mom Dad and me like do
I'm not your real dad, whatever.All three of us are looking at
after you which is which is, which is like, you know, Dana's
(12:53):
always also always said, like, how special is that they
actually have another person to like love and care for them.
That doesn't that doesn't come often.
Like it's a bonus that don't take it as like a, as a
takeaway, like it's not a - it'sa bonus, like these, kids have
three people that love them. And now let like Chris is Chris,
(13:15):
is actually married now. So now the two older boys have
for people that love care for them and looking out for their,
their, their well-being, their benefit for the future.
So, that is great, that's an awesome thing.
For those two boys to experience, you know, there's
just Involve, like, there's always those questions, but
(13:39):
fortunately enough for me. Dana handles those and Chris
handles those. And I'm pretty sure that they're
answered appropriately. Because so far, like, there's no
real, like crazy talks about like, hatred, or discomfort more
like stupid arguments. Like, hey, I didn't get
Chick-fil-A today. Something stupid like II get
(14:00):
McDonald's or something. I wanted McDonald's, I don't
know. It's something on the great
pictures of things. It's super small.
Yeah and I I think it's right how you guys have sort of set up
the house as well, where you do sort of take that step back and
let Dinah take care of things with the older too.
(14:21):
Because obviously, especially with younger kids as well.
They see another man, you know, marrying, their mom.
And a lot of the time, you know,that that partner will.
Painting by. Hi, come on.
I'm your stepdad. You're supposed to listen to me
and it causes that divide, you know, and and doesn't create a
(14:44):
blended family but more of a fractured family.
And so it is a really fine line.You've got a play and so I think
with the way you guys do it in your home, with your Dynamic, is
that it removes that, and you don't even need to worry about
that. That sort of fraction.
Assured bit if that makes sense.Just being there as a friend as
(15:08):
a support as somebody that I cancount on and not trying to
insert them to insert yourself into their lives as a as an
authority figure. Absolutely great idea.
It is it just speaks volumes to as humans and you know the way
we commute socially like even today it's becoming more of a
(15:29):
norm. But you know some people still
revert to the Past And except for, you know, we need to come
into the present and the way we are now we have diverse
families. You know, you got two moms two
dads and, and that's, that's a great thing.
Like, some people don't agree with it.
(15:51):
And that's fine, that's their own view, but at the end of the
day, like the kids need to feel loved.
And as long as there's people there, lifting them up to become
better people. You know, it's, you know,
there's lots of arguments between the two but like it's a
great thing. Like I can appreciate the way
(16:13):
families are becoming more Blended and they're taking the
time to actually realize, what type of culture were actually in
nowadays. Like, it's again, everything is
more social media. There's goods and bad's to that,
they'll get me wrong. But at the same time, it's still
showing togetherness and some points are then, you know,
(16:36):
there's some people that have unfortunately, some divides.
So, yeah, I don't want to go there, but we could stay to the
positive note. Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah. We'll say I'm a, not found a lot
when my my mother met my stepfather says he has five kids
of his own. My mum has five kids, you know,
so half of us. Were already teenagers.
(16:58):
You know, when they got married I was I'm the oldest and I'm I
was 18 and all living together, you know, my stepdad ago.
Hey, come on. This is my house.
This is the way we need to do things and I was at 18, I'm
gone. You know who the hell is this
guy? But you know, you're not my dad.
Don't tell me what to do and, you know, even me and my milder
(17:21):
stepbrothers. We We would, we conspired
together to make their life hellto break them up, you know, and,
and it failed. Absolutely failed.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my stepdad.
I've got a great relationship with him now, but when you're,
when you're a stupid young teenager and you have this man
(17:42):
that's not your father start trying to be your dad.
You know it is a bit of a shock to see a shock to the system.
So I think, like I said, the wayyou guys have your Dynamic is
great. Eight.
But with with that being said, the fact that you're more of a
support person. Somebody just there as a friend,
has that sort of made things easier with co-parenting with,
(18:06):
you know, with Chris and his wife and you and Dana There's
not there's not a lot of back and forth with the co-parenting
between parents, I can understand your situation as a
young person with you feeling slighted and you know, your
stepdad feeling disrespected. There are moments where With the
(18:31):
two little boys, feel slighted and I feel disrespected.
I mean it's just human nature, but when you kind of like
establish, like ground rules, especially like my position or
my spot in their life, like going back to like, how do you
feel about supporting them? Like I'm here to support them.
(18:54):
but at the same time, like I can't let I mean, I can.
Everyone is allowed to have their feelings.
Don't get me wrong. I like it.
Sometimes I feel like disrespected the same time like
as a father. I feel it.
Figure support. It's like that that picture
where you see like like a personlike giving a chunk of their
(19:15):
body to the younger person. Like you just keep giving and
then you like half gone. Another person's whole.
And, you know, I get that. That's, that's my role.
That's my role throughout all the children.
Yep, the older too. They're not my ball biological
ones. Don't get me wrong.
(19:36):
I still love them to death, but,you know, the two younger ones
do that to me. Like, I'm not prejudiced at all.
So, it's like, I treat them boththe same.
But I have a little bit more say-so in a little ones that's
about it. It will be being there with the
older two, since they were 5 or 6, respectively.
(19:57):
Do you feel that that's sort of given you some, some more
experience, when raising the younger two kids?
For sure. It's helped me Leaps and Bounds.
Like, I can't even imagine, liketrying to start from scratch and
like all the errors and mistakes.
I would make And again fortunateenough Dan has always been the
(20:22):
one to let me take the back seatand you know, sit back and watch
like you know, I'm watching, butI'm learning.
Well I mean I'm and that's good as well because the mean being
able to sit back and watch it. Like you said, you do learn from
that and you could just sort of like, mentally note things.
And okay, I'll put that. Put that aside for later when I
(20:43):
have to go through that a secondtime.
Absolutely. It makes me a better better
parent to everybody like holdersyoungers at the end of the day.
I just I really hope that I benefit all of them and one way
or another like I can't take nothing with me when I did.
(21:05):
So hopefully you guys take something a good part of me
when, when I'm gone, like good memories, good life lessons.
Life's too short to be - it really is.
I agree with you there and you know there are some people
Unfortunately they have like wild intentions and they might
(21:30):
kids are just crazy at hand or whatever.
There's a lot of people have mental health issues too, and
it's one of those things like, you know, you could be, you
could be dealt with. that your roses or batch of flowers and or
batch of weeds, Or batch of daisies, you know, anywhere
(21:51):
between? Yeah, that's right now.
It's like, I don't know, the human species crazy, it's crazy,
everybody's crazy, there's beautifulness and everything.
If you're just looking for a, ifyou're looking for bad things,
you're going to find it. Same thing as if you're looking
for beautiful things, you're going to find it.
So, Take take your pick, I really depends on your outlook
(22:15):
on life. Fortunately, if I have a pretty
decent one. That's right.
Look, that I was actually going to touch on that as well.
Is that as parents? We all wear, many different
hats. Now, you know, you've got your
own, your own company that you manage and run and all that plus
(22:37):
you're a support there for Dinahwith all the projects that she's
doing as well as being there forthe four kids and whatnot.
What would you say? I say with all of that involved
would be your biggest challenge as a as a dad.
My biggest challenge for myself is I've taken a lot of people
like, oh you got kids, how do you deal with them?
(23:00):
My biggest challenge is not being here.
That is that is my honest answer.
Like, I am jealous. I am fucking honestly jealous.
That Dana is fortunate enough tobe there for the kids more than
I am. But these are the roles that we
play. I'm able to provide but that
(23:24):
really is my answer, like, I I wish I could be there more for
them. Then I am like when I come home
on the weekends like They may not like this but sometimes I
don't want to do anything. I just want to hang out with the
kids. I want to wash the dishes.
I don't want to help out with certain things.
I just want to be with the kids.And with her to don't get me
(23:48):
wrong. Like, you know, there's two
parts going on there but like, you know, everyone has to make
time for you. You have to make time for the
wife or wife girlfriend, or whatever that person is in your
life. You have to make time for them.
Otherwise the rest Falls a shit.but the Long Haul of it is, I
(24:14):
worked so hard that What I really look forward to like this
is just me personally, it's not speaking for everybody else.
There's other people like I can't wait to get my kids out of
the house or whatever. But for me, it's like Losing
having the kid move out of the house to a certain age.
(24:37):
Don't get me wrong. I don't want Mason to
sixteen-year-old staying there till he's like 20 to 24.
Don't get me wrong. But they'll be a time like,
we're actually, we're actually in the mode where we're actually
counting down the days. we're counting down the days when he
(24:57):
may come to us and like, hey, moving out.
I'll see you later. But at this time like when we
finally like that literally justhit us before he got his
license. So it's one of those things like
it's it's sad and happy. It's like, how do you, how do
(25:19):
you really do with that? How do you do it?
What how do you really process that other than just being like,
hey, I'm going to miss this. And fortunately at fortunate
enough, that we have the two little ones to go through this
all over again. And again, it's it's a hard
(25:39):
feeling, it really is, it's heartwarming and get the fuzzies
about them, you know, becoming their own person and become a
responsible. At the same time.
It's also very sad and just justreally back home.
It's It's great. It's awesome, sad.
(26:04):
There's tears. It's like a rom-com.
It's all I could say you hate, you got all the drama right
there in a long time, right? But it's extended, you know?
Yeah, yeah. All those all those mixed
emotions all at once. And I mean, I dread the day that
(26:26):
I have to get to that point where where my son's ready to
leave the nest and and that sortof thing because I do mostly.
Don't know what I would do with myself.
I am I'm trying to sell the ideathat whilst we are still part of
each other's lives. Other than like, you know, my
(26:47):
Dynamic with my parents are totally different.
Like I barely see them to this day like, you know, them come.
See, they don't often enough come see their grandchildren or
what? Not Sometimes we appreciate that
like hey like we don't always want Grandma and Grandpa over
here but sometimes maybe we do like their kids are missing now
(27:12):
and quite frankly, like I'm hoping that like, I could soda.
So it to where I have a healthy balance with a net nature and
not only that the to let them know like, hey if I'm annoying.
You like in your older age. Just let me know.
Like you don't want to come around.
(27:32):
I'm not gonna take offense. Amen.
But by the time my kids are older and possibly retired.
Hopefully, I don't know, I I could be out on a hike.
I could be touring me. And Dan has always said, we're
going to go to Italy or some shit like that but We got other
(27:53):
things to do. What we want to come, hang out
with you too, but we got other shit to do to before we're dead.
For sure, matter of fact, we cancome down that Australia and
hang out. You should you guys should
totally do that? Yeah.
See Sydney's fucking absolute beautiful, man.
I think you guys will love it here.
As pardon the interruption actually saw like a lot of like
(28:19):
hipsters are starting to buy outthe like the coastal scene over
down down there. It's like a, becoming a huge
issue. Yeah, it's not the rule moving
up from Melbourne. But no, that's for like, the
kids moving out of the nest and that sort of thing was, well,
it's I think a big issue. A lot of parents have is that
they're a little nervous because, you know, you've been
(28:43):
raising this person your whole life or their whole life up
until this point for them to do this.
And so I guess maybe there's a touch of, you know, did I do my
parent in job properly? Have I prepared these kids
enough in order to go out into the world and be productive
(29:05):
members of society? I don't know either joke.
So I'm going to I'm going to putit that way.
There's always going to be some resentment.
No matter what either did too much too little it wasn't paying
attention was paying too much attention.
Unfortunately. No parents going to nail it.
Nobody's going to nail it. Absolutely not I mean there are
(29:26):
few and far between where some parents and the children have
like like a friendship Bond likethey're basically friends as few
and far between the I've seen inmy lifetime.
I've seen some people on TV I again it's TV versus reality but
good for them. Don't get me wrong, there's no
(29:46):
resentment here for that. Great.
If you have it, great but the same time, it's I feel like my
counterpart, Dana. My wife is probably gonna have a
harder time with that. Did me like I have a, I have a
better acceptance of things in my life.
It is what it is. What can I do to fix it?
(30:08):
Like, if the two older boys cameto me, like, hey, you're an
asshole about something like what was that an asshole about?
Tell me how was an asshole, whatcan I do now to fix the way
you're feeling, if you don't have an answer, then I'll try to
figure it out, but don't hold itagainst me.
Like I love you, don't get me wrong.
(30:28):
I really do love you. I care about your well-being.
I'm here to support you. My hero to lift you up.
And unfortunately, what I've seen like whether it's the
internet or social media, or postings on the news, like, The
people that supposed to be lifting these people up get
offended, the it's just not them, it's not, it's not the way
(30:52):
they feel like they're their life should be going and news
flash, it's not your life, it's their life.
So you better just get in line and realize that you're there to
support them. If you're not there to support
them, then take a back seat and don't say nothing at all.
It's like those. It's like that comment.
(31:14):
Like, if you have nothing, good to say, don't say, don't say it
at all, but just don't just don't do it.
Like, Why You Gotta Throw salt on people?
Shit it does nobody, nobody, no good.
If anything, it does, you good? Because you're selfish and you
want to be an asshole and that'sabout it.
So go fuck yourself. I'm just like, no, that's not
(31:35):
it. And that's what's in that type
of situation. Like dude, like, unless they're
like killing and murdering people like some type of
Ridiculous shit like that that that's off the wall like yeah go
ahead and say something but at the same time if it's just
normal human behavior than it's like they're normal.
(31:56):
They're their cells. Love them so they could feel
love so they don't crawl down a fucking dark hole because once
they go down that dark hole, they may or may not come back.
If they do come back, it's goingboth fucking long-ass time.
All right? Yeah.
But he so I would imagine that with the boys, especially the
(32:17):
oldest already starting to look at stabbing each other in life,
and moving them out of the nest and that sort of thing.
You're going to probably Cope with that a lot better than Dana
would because like you said, you're you took more of the back
saying was just there of as a support.
So do you think the the dynamic of the support will end up
(32:39):
Shifting the bit there? Where instead of having to
support the children, the older two you're going to have to
support Dinah more Well, I mean diamonds are pretty strong
woman. She can take care of herself,
don't get mad, I get what you'retrying to say, but based on the
dynamic that our family for our family Dynamic, I'm going to see
(33:03):
now Dean has already been handling that.
But as far as emotional comfort for Dana, then yeah, there's
emotional Comfort at I may or may not need to provide for her.
But as far as like support, as far as the older, boys go just
(33:26):
based on our Dynamic, like everyone's Dynamics different,
you know, speaking of going backto you and your your stepdad
Like I'm pretty sure you wish toDynamic was different.
I mean, it's probably better now.
Like it's good now. But like back in the day you
know you wish maybe none of you guys felt disrespected.
One way or another. Yeah, fuck you got back up.
(33:48):
Definitely change things. Yeah, there's no such thing as a
time machine, not as that's right.
And honestly, I don't think without those pressures, without
those negative feelings, we wouldn't be in the position
where in today where we hand andhave the same.
Relationship that we do now. And I think that's like a also a
very key Point like if people are actually having like these
(34:11):
feelings from the get-go, like some people just don't don't
talk about it, they're too prideful to hurt or they just
don't feel like it's necessary. And that's the thing is, like,
it's absolutely fucking necessary.
Like it may be uncomfortable, but some of these things like
(34:31):
you just got to get across, you know, don't get me wrong.
There's been times where I insulted, the boys, the two
older boys. I'll have to go and apologize to
them like, hey, that wasn't all right.
And I just have to be the biggerperson and start.
There are times there are times.It's like few and far between,
but like there are times I can'tremember the as to be like it
(34:54):
again, it's a bottom border lines across like feeling
disrespected and everyone's human, everybody's human.
It is what it is. I've disrespected them to
disrespected me. And at the end of it, like I
have to be the bigger man to tell them why I feel.
Sorry. Fortunately they actually say
sorry back some people just don't like.
(35:17):
All right thank you fuck you. But look I think it's cool that
you take the The time to apologize to them as well
because I do, I do the same thing with my son.
I might flip out, I might react to a situation and it's not the,
not the right reaction, you know.
And I'll have to stop and go. Hey, sorry buddy.
You know, but a lot of adults, alot of parents won't take that
(35:41):
accountability to the children and say, hey, I'm sorry, I
fucked up, you know? And a lot of kids end up
thinking that that parents are in.
Adults are infallible, can do nothing wrong, but I think
actually stopping and apologizing to the kids.
It humanizes you a bit more to the kids and it leaches them.
(36:02):
Hey, Ro nuts aren't perfect. Everybody makes mistakes and and
it teaches them how to sort of, take their own mistakes on board
and take accountability for thatthemselves.
Absolutely, man, I 100% agree with you, like there are adults
out there with children to do Take responsibilities for,
(36:22):
there's not just their own parenting process, don't get me
wrong. Everyone has the right to do
whatever they want to do. But at the end of the day, I
feel like the best process is exactly what you just said.
Like being able to come Forefront with a mistake as a
parent to your child, like you said, hey, I make mistakes.
(36:47):
I didn't eat sometimes underwater die, you know?
No, there are a lot of reasons for an adult to be stressed out
and to not realize in the time when they're speaking to a
certain person whether it's in aanother adult or a child that
they are in the wrong and I really think like you said it, I
(37:09):
think it is important to apologize.
I came from a family where like we knew that we loved each
other. I guess my mom, my dad, like
whenever we slide it each other,we never thought there was a
need for an apology just just soyou know, from my point because
we already knew we loved each other but at the same time even
(37:30):
though you love the other person, it is a good feeling for
the other person to know. Like, hey, I was sorry for doing
such a thing. Like I knew that my mom, my
brothers, like everybody in my immediate family, loved me.
And I'm pretty sure that my brother has felt the same Same
way, but at the same time it's like it helps to know that
(37:51):
another person can apologize to another person.
Whether whether they feel like their and the authoritarian
position or even down into like a being a child or an apprentice
or just a lower position in general, this is extends to like
you know the boss in the worker situation and said you know the
(38:16):
sooner that People. I feel like I took me a very
long time myself to learn. I think the boys, actually, if
you want to transition this, I feel like the boys and
themselves. Help me with my own business.
Like hate to say it but bosses are babysitters and the sooner
(38:36):
you get, you know get on board with the way humans are and
their behaviors and the better you're going to be off you know,
like better. ER I'm going to be with my
situations with whatever. I'm dealing with it, work or
home. But again, just reeling it back
to home life. It's a good thing that the kids.
(38:59):
They could see that that they'reable to apologize the other
people, or maybe just tell tell them, not necessarily apologize.
Maybe just tell another person how you feel like telling
somebody how you feel. It's like It could mean the
world, like sometimes you don't even have to apologize is like
maybe your apology doesn't even matter to somebody like, oh you
(39:22):
said I'm sorry. Like well, I don't give a fuck,
but how do you feel, okay, you know what?
I understand, I still don't forgive you, but at least I
understand like it says situation where agree to
disagree. I understand.
But I'm not gonna, you can stillnot accept someone's apology,
(39:42):
and at the same time, At least it was said, at least you're not
leaving the table without fully expressing yourself.
And if anything, I with the two older boys and my two little
ones if they could fully Expressthemselves, within whatever time
they're allowed to give in because you never know.
Like, sometimes you're given no chance to express yourself in
(40:04):
life, you know. Life's, not fucking fair and
sometimes you never given a chance to express yourself at
all. And if you given that chance,
you better fucking take it express yourself whether it's
like yeah, fuck, yeah. Like awesome or you know what?
I felt slighted and shit sucked.The Umpire called a fucking foul
(40:24):
game. I don't know.
You know what I mean? But again not being able to
apologize to our kids. It's I think that's a really
good part of communication with them.
I spoke about communicating withour kids because obviously they
don't They don't have an adult mind.
They don't have the information that we do in order to put
(40:45):
towards certain situations. And so just talking to our kids
and be able to like you said, just being honest with them.
Hey I'm sorry. I fucked up, it helps them feel
validated I think and it helps them sort of it helps them
understand your position becauseof kid is not going to
understand when you blow up at them that you're stressed out
(41:07):
because you know, the the revenue Tycoon for the business.
This week has been shit or whatever other aspect.
You know, there could be issues within the relationship that are
causing tensions or whatever, kids don't know that.
And so, you know, when you don'tapologize to them, they could
sort of take that on themselves and they do, it's all my fault,
(41:30):
you know. And that's I think where mental
illness can start coming into The Fray and and all of that,
but being able to communicate with the kids and go, hey, look,
no look this was not Not you I reacted poorly, I apologize, you
know, it strengthens those communication, those
communication links but also it reinforces to them that the way
(41:53):
you reacted was not their fault.They they were not the cause of
that reaction. I also feel like it also creates
a stronger Bond like digging rely on you a little bit more
like they could trust. You like everybody, everybody
needs that boundary of trust Notsafety.
Like there's a reason why you'rewith significant other wife or
(42:15):
girlfriend or whatever it is because you feel safe with them.
And your children, need to feel the same thing.
I totally agree with you. Like everybody needs to feel
safe. Absolutely, my on that note, Joe
I'm going to let you get back toyour day, but thank you so much
for your time. Having a chat with me.
Being one of the catch up with you for a while.
Dude, service has been great. It's been awesome.
(42:36):
Thanks for having me over here talking with you, your talk.
Cool, cat and enjoy. What you do with your show,
much, praise much appreciated atleast be on your show and speak
about the kids. Thanks for listening to the
show. If you want to find out more
about today's guest, just check out the links in the show notes,
(42:57):
you can follow the podcast as well on social media at
not-so-secret dad's business or on our website, not-so-secret
dad's business.com. If you're listening on a podcast
or Spotify, please rate review The show helps more than in
realize. Until next time guys, be the
best. Dad you can be.
The show helps more than in realize.
Until next time guys, be the best.
Dad you can be.
Coming up in this episode of not-so-secret dad's business.
My biggest challenge for myself,is I've talking to a lot of
people like, oh, you got kids. How do you deal with them?
My biggest challenge, is not being here.
That is that is my honest answer.
Like I am jealous. I am fucking honestly jealous.
(00:23):
That Dana is fortunate enough tobe there for the kids more than
I am. but these are the roles that we play, I'm able to
provide but that really is my answer like II wish I could be
there more for them. A you new to fatherhood, not
sure if your dad into your full potential.
(00:45):
Well you've come to the right place.
Most dad's aren't talking to each other about their lives as
dad's look at some kind of secret.
Well, this is the podcast that takes a secret out of
fatherhood. This is not so secret dad's
business. Good eye, good eye.
(01:09):
Welcome to another episode of not-so-secret dad's business.
Got another one for you, from the archive today, guys.
Now, this one, I recorded with Joe about hmm about a year ago,
so a lot of things have changed in.
Joe's life and whatnot. So the oldest boy in his
household has recently graduatedEdge weighted high school and
(01:32):
he's getting ready to start his own life, which is really cool.
And you know, I believe, as I speak, the Pereira family may
actually be on that trip in Italy that Joe was talking
about. So this week I've got Joe on the
podcast and it was really, really an interesting
(01:54):
conversation for me to have withhim.
So in this episode we have an honest and heartfelt I should
about the beautiful chaotic and ever-changing journey of parent.
And, you know, we go from the importance of being present and
learning from everyday moments to the Bittersweet feeling of,
you know, watching our children grow up and leave the nest and
(02:18):
you know again with Mason that'll be coming soon.
I guess so look to noon. As we explore the depths of
Parental, love the complexities of relationships and the lessons
we can all take. Take away from these shared
experiences. You know, whether you're a
parent yourself or simply interested in the intricacies of
family life. I think this episode has some
(02:41):
really relatable stories and some valuable insights for you.
So let me introduce my good friend Joseph, Pereira.
(03:07):
Hi guys, thank you so much for joining me on not-so-secret
dad's business today, man. Absolutely pays you for having
me here today. That's my pleasure man.
My pleasure. So before we kick things off, so
people sort of get an idea of who you are.
You are the participation trophyhusband.
(03:28):
I am definitely participation trophy has been material like
I'm definitely not top shelf. I'm mid-shelf Definitely, not
low shelf. But you know, I'm somewhere in
between and yeah, then as a goodkind of part, she does her, she
doesn't own business, and I'm here to support her along with
the family. Yeah, that's awesome.
(03:49):
Man. I made she's got a lot going on
at the moment so I think it's really cool.
The, the dynamic that you guys have you.
You're both help each other out and everything.
So look, tell me a little bit about your family set up because
you and Dana have Two little ones of your own together.
Plus dinosaur also got two teenage boys.
(04:11):
So our family didn't Dynamic is two older boys.
The to youngers, are almost seven and five seven.
Yeah, seven and five and it is definitely a good experience.
I actually just had a trip out like a week ago because I
(04:32):
remember the two older boys. I just mentioned the Dana like
literally a week ago is like twoolder boys are younger when I
first met them younger. Then our two Littles together.
I'm like we've been together that long wear when I first met
Mason and Kai that they're younger than it to kids that we
(04:54):
have. Now the cause you guys have been
together almost eleven or twelveyears now having it.
Yeah. It's coming on 12.
Feels like forever. Doesn't.
It doesn't really some people are complaints about that but to
me, it's a joy. I loved Anna.
I love the kids like it's struggling.
(05:16):
Is at times, but don't get me wrong, it's all worth it.
Like, at the end of the day, like who else would I rather be
with nobody dancers, nobody? She's top shelf, top shelf, top
shelf, participation Trophy, Wife, absolutely.
I hear you man. No, I mean like, your two little
ones. Absolutely.
Beautiful. And I think it's amazing how
(05:39):
your daughter is is a spitting image of Diana and your son is a
spitting image of you. It's almost like A clone copy of
yourselves in the house. That's absolutely true.
I'll say that. Sometimes I like get a little
offended with people saying thatJoslyn looks like Dana a little
(05:59):
bit and I'm like, hmm. She's like a girl version of me.
Like she definitely got more like when she was born.
Like both of them were like Yeah, they came from Daddy but
you know, I'm appreciative that as she grows older that, you
know, those those finer lady features are going to help her
out and in the long run but you know, I'm gonna grab my shotgun
(06:21):
later on and in the years when she gets older.
But for now me Yeah. Yeah, that's it not much to
worry about right now, right? So tell me, do you have many
issues when it comes to the different dynamics of raising
children of two totally different age groups.
(06:42):
So fortunate, laughs Dean has been a big help with that
throughout the years since I ever met her like There's been
times where I've wanted to discipline the older boys and
basically maybe even give them guidance.
It's kind of like a hit or miss type of thing.
(07:05):
Like it's more of. I appreciate her error
standpoint. As far as like saying hey you
know Joe let me handle it. Let Chris which is their
biological dad handle it. And I don't actually don't take
offense to it at all. and when Iactually think about it, You
(07:26):
know, I'm here to give support the net nature.
Like, I don't want to be like the person that says, hey, don't
go doing something or whatever your ideas.
Like, I don't want to downplay someone's idea like, hey, you
want to be a rocket engineer rocket scientists like, no,
that's not me. I'm gonna be like, hey, you know
(07:48):
what, you want to be a rocket engineer?
Here's some books. Let me know if it's for you, but
as far as like the disciplinarian And trying to put
somebody on the right track. II kind of like, step back a
little bit and actually appreciate that roll a little
bit only because Dana actually takes like charge of it and so
(08:10):
does a so does Chris. Like I don't want to overstep my
boundaries and I could appreciate the role I play in
their life. I'm more as a hold you up.
I don't want to be the put you down.
I'm here for support just like agood friend like is anybody's
ever? Had a good friend like one's
(08:31):
actually support them. That's, that's the way I want to
be for them. Absolutely not.
That's awesome. I locked that.
Do you, do you find it hard sometimes to separate yourself
from from that though because obviously, you're, you're the
father of the two younger children and so you have you
play that role obviously of disciplinarian and, and whatnot
(08:53):
with the younger to do you do sometimes find it hard to sort
of separate that part of your Yourself from the older.
To there is an interesting Dynamic there when you say it
like that, but the younger too, like I'll discipline them
saying, hey, you can't do this, you can't do that.
Like, it is what it is. But for the older to again, I'm
(09:17):
there to be supportive, but the same time I want to be loving
and caring for them. So, it is difficult to reiterate
that The honor to definitely getmore guidance from me as
compared to the older to as far as what I see is right and
(09:37):
wrong. But again that that whole
instrument is put in place by Dana is so that the two older
boys don't resent me or hate me for something again.
Which is appreciative and I don't really take offense to it.
Like, to answer your question. I don't really take advance to
it at all. There is a different Dynamic
(09:58):
there, but it's all right. And when I think about it is the
oldest one Mason, you know, he'll he'll actually complain
about This is one thing. I find really funny.
By the way, he'll complain aboutthe older younger to.
Sorry. The younger, two about how they
(10:20):
don't, listen to him about his words of advice.
And I've been trying to tell him, like, maybe, like, back
hendley, say, hey man, like whatdo you think me and mom duty all
the time? It's like these are words of
advice. You don't like to hear it.
Like, you'll see the younger andthe older one like arguing, I'm
(10:43):
like Mason you are actually me and Mom.
And Johnson and Jonah? Are you?
You haven't figured it out yet but that's exactly the dynamic
you're playing. So when I when I when I see them
sharing that moment I'm like this is just funny.
(11:03):
I'm just like hey buddy, you might want to take a step back
because it's like you're you're laying on a dynamite stick.
It's like you don't know if it'sgonna blow the Rock at the Rock
the right way. It's going to split it or is
this gonna like blow up in your face?
Face. And fortunately enough so far at
(11:24):
least in my opinion. It's a crack the Rock and you
know we are seeing diamonds here.
Yeah, I'll come. I can't see where you're coming
from there as well because I'm You know, kids don't always take
their advice, they think that us, you know, he's mom or his
dad just telling me what to do again.
(11:45):
I know it all, you know, and that's the beauty of being a
kid, I guess. Like you think you know it all
because you want to know so muchat that point and if you don't
know something, you can't say you, you know, it.
Can you, I know that sounds stupid but it's again with you
with the oldest one, you know, Ithink it's really funny how he's
trying to give advice Getting frustrated that a five and a
(12:08):
seven year old aren't taking that on board because a five and
a seven year old. Don't think that way that
they've got their own sort of agenda going on and whatever he
has to say doesn't really add into that and and necessarily
sorry to cut you off. Like almost feel like until the
even even now like the 15 and 16year old like we're in the same
(12:33):
boat. Like you're still not listening
and you still want to argue but guess what?
Mom and Dad are still looking atafter you Mom Dad and me like do
I'm not your real dad, whatever.All three of us are looking at
after you which is which is, which is like, you know, Dana's
(12:53):
always also always said, like, how special is that they
actually have another person to like love and care for them.
That doesn't that doesn't come often.
Like it's a bonus that don't take it as like a, as a
takeaway, like it's not a - it'sa bonus, like these, kids have
three people that love them. And now let like Chris is Chris,
(13:15):
is actually married now. So now the two older boys have
for people that love care for them and looking out for their,
their, their well-being, their benefit for the future.
So, that is great, that's an awesome thing.
For those two boys to experience, you know, there's
just Involve, like, there's always those questions, but
(13:39):
fortunately enough for me. Dana handles those and Chris
handles those. And I'm pretty sure that they're
answered appropriately. Because so far, like, there's no
real, like crazy talks about like, hatred, or discomfort more
like stupid arguments. Like, hey, I didn't get
Chick-fil-A today. Something stupid like II get
(14:00):
McDonald's or something. I wanted McDonald's, I don't
know. It's something on the great
pictures of things. It's super small.
Yeah and I I think it's right how you guys have sort of set up
the house as well, where you do sort of take that step back and
let Dinah take care of things with the older too.
(14:21):
Because obviously, especially with younger kids as well.
They see another man, you know, marrying, their mom.
And a lot of the time, you know,that that partner will.
Painting by. Hi, come on.
I'm your stepdad. You're supposed to listen to me
and it causes that divide, you know, and and doesn't create a
(14:44):
blended family but more of a fractured family.
And so it is a really fine line.You've got a play and so I think
with the way you guys do it in your home, with your Dynamic, is
that it removes that, and you don't even need to worry about
that. That sort of fraction.
Assured bit if that makes sense.Just being there as a friend as
(15:08):
a support as somebody that I cancount on and not trying to
insert them to insert yourself into their lives as a as an
authority figure. Absolutely great idea.
It is it just speaks volumes to as humans and you know the way
we commute socially like even today it's becoming more of a
(15:29):
norm. But you know some people still
revert to the Past And except for, you know, we need to come
into the present and the way we are now we have diverse
families. You know, you got two moms two
dads and, and that's, that's a great thing.
Like, some people don't agree with it.
(15:51):
And that's fine, that's their own view, but at the end of the
day, like the kids need to feel loved.
And as long as there's people there, lifting them up to become
better people. You know, it's, you know,
there's lots of arguments between the two but like it's a
great thing. Like I can appreciate the way
(16:13):
families are becoming more Blended and they're taking the
time to actually realize, what type of culture were actually in
nowadays. Like, it's again, everything is
more social media. There's goods and bad's to that,
they'll get me wrong. But at the same time, it's still
showing togetherness and some points are then, you know,
(16:36):
there's some people that have unfortunately, some divides.
So, yeah, I don't want to go there, but we could stay to the
positive note. Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah. We'll say I'm a, not found a lot
when my my mother met my stepfather says he has five kids
of his own. My mum has five kids, you know,
so half of us. Were already teenagers.
(16:58):
You know, when they got married I was I'm the oldest and I'm I
was 18 and all living together, you know, my stepdad ago.
Hey, come on. This is my house.
This is the way we need to do things and I was at 18, I'm
gone. You know who the hell is this
guy? But you know, you're not my dad.
Don't tell me what to do and, you know, even me and my milder
(17:21):
stepbrothers. We We would, we conspired
together to make their life hellto break them up, you know, and,
and it failed. Absolutely failed.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my stepdad.
I've got a great relationship with him now, but when you're,
when you're a stupid young teenager and you have this man
(17:42):
that's not your father start trying to be your dad.
You know it is a bit of a shock to see a shock to the system.
So I think, like I said, the wayyou guys have your Dynamic is
great. Eight.
But with with that being said, the fact that you're more of a
support person. Somebody just there as a friend,
has that sort of made things easier with co-parenting with,
(18:06):
you know, with Chris and his wife and you and Dana There's
not there's not a lot of back and forth with the co-parenting
between parents, I can understand your situation as a
young person with you feeling slighted and you know, your
stepdad feeling disrespected. There are moments where With the
(18:31):
two little boys, feel slighted and I feel disrespected.
I mean it's just human nature, but when you kind of like
establish, like ground rules, especially like my position or
my spot in their life, like going back to like, how do you
feel about supporting them? Like I'm here to support them.
(18:54):
but at the same time, like I can't let I mean, I can.
Everyone is allowed to have their feelings.
Don't get me wrong. I like it.
Sometimes I feel like disrespected the same time like
as a father. I feel it.
Figure support. It's like that that picture
where you see like like a personlike giving a chunk of their
(19:15):
body to the younger person. Like you just keep giving and
then you like half gone. Another person's whole.
And, you know, I get that. That's, that's my role.
That's my role throughout all the children.
Yep, the older too. They're not my ball biological
ones. Don't get me wrong.
(19:36):
I still love them to death, but,you know, the two younger ones
do that to me. Like, I'm not prejudiced at all.
So, it's like, I treat them boththe same.
But I have a little bit more say-so in a little ones that's
about it. It will be being there with the
older two, since they were 5 or 6, respectively.
(19:57):
Do you feel that that's sort of given you some, some more
experience, when raising the younger two kids?
For sure. It's helped me Leaps and Bounds.
Like, I can't even imagine, liketrying to start from scratch and
like all the errors and mistakes.
I would make And again fortunateenough Dan has always been the
(20:22):
one to let me take the back seatand you know, sit back and watch
like you know, I'm watching, butI'm learning.
Well I mean I'm and that's good as well because the mean being
able to sit back and watch it. Like you said, you do learn from
that and you could just sort of like, mentally note things.
And okay, I'll put that. Put that aside for later when I
(20:43):
have to go through that a secondtime.
Absolutely. It makes me a better better
parent to everybody like holdersyoungers at the end of the day.
I just I really hope that I benefit all of them and one way
or another like I can't take nothing with me when I did.
(21:05):
So hopefully you guys take something a good part of me
when, when I'm gone, like good memories, good life lessons.
Life's too short to be - it really is.
I agree with you there and you know there are some people
Unfortunately they have like wild intentions and they might
(21:30):
kids are just crazy at hand or whatever.
There's a lot of people have mental health issues too, and
it's one of those things like, you know, you could be, you
could be dealt with. that your roses or batch of flowers and or
batch of weeds, Or batch of daisies, you know, anywhere
(21:51):
between? Yeah, that's right now.
It's like, I don't know, the human species crazy, it's crazy,
everybody's crazy, there's beautifulness and everything.
If you're just looking for a, ifyou're looking for bad things,
you're going to find it. Same thing as if you're looking
for beautiful things, you're going to find it.
So, Take take your pick, I really depends on your outlook
(22:15):
on life. Fortunately, if I have a pretty
decent one. That's right.
Look, that I was actually going to touch on that as well.
Is that as parents? We all wear, many different
hats. Now, you know, you've got your
own, your own company that you manage and run and all that plus
(22:37):
you're a support there for Dinahwith all the projects that she's
doing as well as being there forthe four kids and whatnot.
What would you say? I say with all of that involved
would be your biggest challenge as a as a dad.
My biggest challenge for myself is I've taken a lot of people
like, oh you got kids, how do you deal with them?
(23:00):
My biggest challenge is not being here.
That is that is my honest answer.
Like, I am jealous. I am fucking honestly jealous.
That Dana is fortunate enough tobe there for the kids more than
I am. But these are the roles that we
play. I'm able to provide but that
(23:24):
really is my answer, like, I I wish I could be there more for
them. Then I am like when I come home
on the weekends like They may not like this but sometimes I
don't want to do anything. I just want to hang out with the
kids. I want to wash the dishes.
I don't want to help out with certain things.
I just want to be with the kids.And with her to don't get me
(23:48):
wrong. Like, you know, there's two
parts going on there but like, you know, everyone has to make
time for you. You have to make time for the
wife or wife girlfriend, or whatever that person is in your
life. You have to make time for them.
Otherwise the rest Falls a shit.but the Long Haul of it is, I
(24:14):
worked so hard that What I really look forward to like this
is just me personally, it's not speaking for everybody else.
There's other people like I can't wait to get my kids out of
the house or whatever. But for me, it's like Losing
having the kid move out of the house to a certain age.
(24:37):
Don't get me wrong. I don't want Mason to
sixteen-year-old staying there till he's like 20 to 24.
Don't get me wrong. But they'll be a time like,
we're actually, we're actually in the mode where we're actually
counting down the days. we're counting down the days when he
(24:57):
may come to us and like, hey, moving out.
I'll see you later. But at this time like when we
finally like that literally justhit us before he got his
license. So it's one of those things like
it's it's sad and happy. It's like, how do you, how do
(25:19):
you really do with that? How do you do it?
What how do you really process that other than just being like,
hey, I'm going to miss this. And fortunately at fortunate
enough, that we have the two little ones to go through this
all over again. And again, it's it's a hard
(25:39):
feeling, it really is, it's heartwarming and get the fuzzies
about them, you know, becoming their own person and become a
responsible. At the same time.
It's also very sad and just justreally back home.
It's It's great. It's awesome, sad.
(26:04):
There's tears. It's like a rom-com.
It's all I could say you hate, you got all the drama right
there in a long time, right? But it's extended, you know?
Yeah, yeah. All those all those mixed
emotions all at once. And I mean, I dread the day that
(26:26):
I have to get to that point where where my son's ready to
leave the nest and and that sortof thing because I do mostly.
Don't know what I would do with myself.
I am I'm trying to sell the ideathat whilst we are still part of
each other's lives. Other than like, you know, my
(26:47):
Dynamic with my parents are totally different.
Like I barely see them to this day like, you know, them come.
See, they don't often enough come see their grandchildren or
what? Not Sometimes we appreciate that
like hey like we don't always want Grandma and Grandpa over
here but sometimes maybe we do like their kids are missing now
(27:12):
and quite frankly, like I'm hoping that like, I could soda.
So it to where I have a healthy balance with a net nature and
not only that the to let them know like, hey if I'm annoying.
You like in your older age. Just let me know.
Like you don't want to come around.
(27:32):
I'm not gonna take offense. Amen.
But by the time my kids are older and possibly retired.
Hopefully, I don't know, I I could be out on a hike.
I could be touring me. And Dan has always said, we're
going to go to Italy or some shit like that but We got other
(27:53):
things to do. What we want to come, hang out
with you too, but we got other shit to do to before we're dead.
For sure, matter of fact, we cancome down that Australia and
hang out. You should you guys should
totally do that? Yeah.
See Sydney's fucking absolute beautiful, man.
I think you guys will love it here.
As pardon the interruption actually saw like a lot of like
(28:19):
hipsters are starting to buy outthe like the coastal scene over
down down there. It's like a, becoming a huge
issue. Yeah, it's not the rule moving
up from Melbourne. But no, that's for like, the
kids moving out of the nest and that sort of thing was, well,
it's I think a big issue. A lot of parents have is that
they're a little nervous because, you know, you've been
(28:43):
raising this person your whole life or their whole life up
until this point for them to do this.
And so I guess maybe there's a touch of, you know, did I do my
parent in job properly? Have I prepared these kids
enough in order to go out into the world and be productive
(29:05):
members of society? I don't know either joke.
So I'm going to I'm going to putit that way.
There's always going to be some resentment.
No matter what either did too much too little it wasn't paying
attention was paying too much attention.
Unfortunately. No parents going to nail it.
Nobody's going to nail it. Absolutely not I mean there are
(29:26):
few and far between where some parents and the children have
like like a friendship Bond likethey're basically friends as few
and far between the I've seen inmy lifetime.
I've seen some people on TV I again it's TV versus reality but
good for them. Don't get me wrong, there's no
(29:46):
resentment here for that. Great.
If you have it, great but the same time, it's I feel like my
counterpart, Dana. My wife is probably gonna have a
harder time with that. Did me like I have a, I have a
better acceptance of things in my life.
It is what it is. What can I do to fix it?
(30:08):
Like, if the two older boys cameto me, like, hey, you're an
asshole about something like what was that an asshole about?
Tell me how was an asshole, whatcan I do now to fix the way
you're feeling, if you don't have an answer, then I'll try to
figure it out, but don't hold itagainst me.
Like I love you, don't get me wrong.
(30:28):
I really do love you. I care about your well-being.
I'm here to support you. My hero to lift you up.
And unfortunately, what I've seen like whether it's the
internet or social media, or postings on the news, like, The
people that supposed to be lifting these people up get
offended, the it's just not them, it's not, it's not the way
(30:52):
they feel like they're their life should be going and news
flash, it's not your life, it's their life.
So you better just get in line and realize that you're there to
support them. If you're not there to support
them, then take a back seat and don't say nothing at all.
It's like those. It's like that comment.
(31:14):
Like, if you have nothing, good to say, don't say, don't say it
at all, but just don't just don't do it.
Like, Why You Gotta Throw salt on people?
Shit it does nobody, nobody, no good.
If anything, it does, you good? Because you're selfish and you
want to be an asshole and that'sabout it.
So go fuck yourself. I'm just like, no, that's not
(31:35):
it. And that's what's in that type
of situation. Like dude, like, unless they're
like killing and murdering people like some type of
Ridiculous shit like that that that's off the wall like yeah go
ahead and say something but at the same time if it's just
normal human behavior than it's like they're normal.
(31:56):
They're their cells. Love them so they could feel
love so they don't crawl down a fucking dark hole because once
they go down that dark hole, they may or may not come back.
If they do come back, it's goingboth fucking long-ass time.
All right? Yeah.
But he so I would imagine that with the boys, especially the
(32:17):
oldest already starting to look at stabbing each other in life,
and moving them out of the nest and that sort of thing.
You're going to probably Cope with that a lot better than Dana
would because like you said, you're you took more of the back
saying was just there of as a support.
So do you think the the dynamic of the support will end up
(32:39):
Shifting the bit there? Where instead of having to
support the children, the older two you're going to have to
support Dinah more Well, I mean diamonds are pretty strong
woman. She can take care of herself,
don't get mad, I get what you'retrying to say, but based on the
dynamic that our family for our family Dynamic, I'm going to see
(33:03):
now Dean has already been handling that.
But as far as emotional comfort for Dana, then yeah, there's
emotional Comfort at I may or may not need to provide for her.
But as far as like support, as far as the older, boys go just
(33:26):
based on our Dynamic, like everyone's Dynamics different,
you know, speaking of going backto you and your your stepdad
Like I'm pretty sure you wish toDynamic was different.
I mean, it's probably better now.
Like it's good now. But like back in the day you
know you wish maybe none of you guys felt disrespected.
One way or another. Yeah, fuck you got back up.
(33:48):
Definitely change things. Yeah, there's no such thing as a
time machine, not as that's right.
And honestly, I don't think without those pressures, without
those negative feelings, we wouldn't be in the position
where in today where we hand andhave the same.
Relationship that we do now. And I think that's like a also a
very key Point like if people are actually having like these
(34:11):
feelings from the get-go, like some people just don't don't
talk about it, they're too prideful to hurt or they just
don't feel like it's necessary. And that's the thing is, like,
it's absolutely fucking necessary.
Like it may be uncomfortable, but some of these things like
(34:31):
you just got to get across, you know, don't get me wrong.
There's been times where I insulted, the boys, the two
older boys. I'll have to go and apologize to
them like, hey, that wasn't all right.
And I just have to be the biggerperson and start.
There are times there are times.It's like few and far between,
but like there are times I can'tremember the as to be like it
(34:54):
again, it's a bottom border lines across like feeling
disrespected and everyone's human, everybody's human.
It is what it is. I've disrespected them to
disrespected me. And at the end of it, like I
have to be the bigger man to tell them why I feel.
Sorry. Fortunately they actually say
sorry back some people just don't like.
(35:17):
All right thank you fuck you. But look I think it's cool that
you take the The time to apologize to them as well
because I do, I do the same thing with my son.
I might flip out, I might react to a situation and it's not the,
not the right reaction, you know.
And I'll have to stop and go. Hey, sorry buddy.
You know, but a lot of adults, alot of parents won't take that
(35:41):
accountability to the children and say, hey, I'm sorry, I
fucked up, you know? And a lot of kids end up
thinking that that parents are in.
Adults are infallible, can do nothing wrong, but I think
actually stopping and apologizing to the kids.
It humanizes you a bit more to the kids and it leaches them.
(36:02):
Hey, Ro nuts aren't perfect. Everybody makes mistakes and and
it teaches them how to sort of, take their own mistakes on board
and take accountability for thatthemselves.
Absolutely, man, I 100% agree with you, like there are adults
out there with children to do Take responsibilities for,
(36:22):
there's not just their own parenting process, don't get me
wrong. Everyone has the right to do
whatever they want to do. But at the end of the day, I
feel like the best process is exactly what you just said.
Like being able to come Forefront with a mistake as a
parent to your child, like you said, hey, I make mistakes.
(36:47):
I didn't eat sometimes underwater die, you know?
No, there are a lot of reasons for an adult to be stressed out
and to not realize in the time when they're speaking to a
certain person whether it's in aanother adult or a child that
they are in the wrong and I really think like you said it, I
(37:09):
think it is important to apologize.
I came from a family where like we knew that we loved each
other. I guess my mom, my dad, like
whenever we slide it each other,we never thought there was a
need for an apology just just soyou know, from my point because
we already knew we loved each other but at the same time even
(37:30):
though you love the other person, it is a good feeling for
the other person to know. Like, hey, I was sorry for doing
such a thing. Like I knew that my mom, my
brothers, like everybody in my immediate family, loved me.
And I'm pretty sure that my brother has felt the same Same
way, but at the same time it's like it helps to know that
(37:51):
another person can apologize to another person.
Whether whether they feel like their and the authoritarian
position or even down into like a being a child or an apprentice
or just a lower position in general, this is extends to like
you know the boss in the worker situation and said you know the
(38:16):
sooner that People. I feel like I took me a very
long time myself to learn. I think the boys, actually, if
you want to transition this, I feel like the boys and
themselves. Help me with my own business.
Like hate to say it but bosses are babysitters and the sooner
(38:36):
you get, you know get on board with the way humans are and
their behaviors and the better you're going to be off you know,
like better. ER I'm going to be with my
situations with whatever. I'm dealing with it, work or
home. But again, just reeling it back
to home life. It's a good thing that the kids.
(38:59):
They could see that that they'reable to apologize the other
people, or maybe just tell tell them, not necessarily apologize.
Maybe just tell another person how you feel like telling
somebody how you feel. It's like It could mean the
world, like sometimes you don't even have to apologize is like
maybe your apology doesn't even matter to somebody like, oh you
(39:22):
said I'm sorry. Like well, I don't give a fuck,
but how do you feel, okay, you know what?
I understand, I still don't forgive you, but at least I
understand like it says situation where agree to
disagree. I understand.
But I'm not gonna, you can stillnot accept someone's apology,
(39:42):
and at the same time, At least it was said, at least you're not
leaving the table without fully expressing yourself.
And if anything, I with the two older boys and my two little
ones if they could fully Expressthemselves, within whatever time
they're allowed to give in because you never know.
Like, sometimes you're given no chance to express yourself in
(40:04):
life, you know. Life's, not fucking fair and
sometimes you never given a chance to express yourself at
all. And if you given that chance,
you better fucking take it express yourself whether it's
like yeah, fuck, yeah. Like awesome or you know what?
I felt slighted and shit sucked.The Umpire called a fucking foul
(40:24):
game. I don't know.
You know what I mean? But again not being able to
apologize to our kids. It's I think that's a really
good part of communication with them.
I spoke about communicating withour kids because obviously they
don't They don't have an adult mind.
They don't have the information that we do in order to put
(40:45):
towards certain situations. And so just talking to our kids
and be able to like you said, just being honest with them.
Hey I'm sorry. I fucked up, it helps them feel
validated I think and it helps them sort of it helps them
understand your position becauseof kid is not going to
understand when you blow up at them that you're stressed out
(41:07):
because you know, the the revenue Tycoon for the business.
This week has been shit or whatever other aspect.
You know, there could be issues within the relationship that are
causing tensions or whatever, kids don't know that.
And so, you know, when you don'tapologize to them, they could
sort of take that on themselves and they do, it's all my fault,
(41:30):
you know. And that's I think where mental
illness can start coming into The Fray and and all of that,
but being able to communicate with the kids and go, hey, look,
no look this was not Not you I reacted poorly, I apologize, you
know, it strengthens those communication, those
communication links but also it reinforces to them that the way
(41:53):
you reacted was not their fault.They they were not the cause of
that reaction. I also feel like it also creates
a stronger Bond like digging rely on you a little bit more
like they could trust. You like everybody, everybody
needs that boundary of trust Notsafety.
Like there's a reason why you'rewith significant other wife or
(42:15):
girlfriend or whatever it is because you feel safe with them.
And your children, need to feel the same thing.
I totally agree with you. Like everybody needs to feel
safe. Absolutely, my on that note, Joe
I'm going to let you get back toyour day, but thank you so much
for your time. Having a chat with me.
Being one of the catch up with you for a while.
Dude, service has been great. It's been awesome.
(42:36):
Thanks for having me over here talking with you, your talk.
Cool, cat and enjoy. What you do with your show,
much, praise much appreciated atleast be on your show and speak
about the kids. Thanks for listening to the
show. If you want to find out more
about today's guest, just check out the links in the show notes,
(42:57):
you can follow the podcast as well on social media at
not-so-secret dad's business or on our website, not-so-secret
dad's business.com. If you're listening on a podcast
or Spotify, please rate review The show helps more than in
realize. Until next time guys, be the
best. Dad you can be.
The show helps more than in realize.
Until next time guys, be the best.
Dad you can be.
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