Not That Damn Show

On todays episode of Not That Damn Show we started with Dammits asking the important questions: who should pay for the condoms, whether Matt’s karaoke date is about to become a terrible decision, and why we call an animal a pet when “pet” is also what you do to it.

Then your comments dragged us back into last week’s horrifying racist and sexist commercials and one of our favorite radio pranks, when a fake cat...

Let’s say you’re a virgin in your mid-20s and decide the best solution is spending $1,500 at a legal brothel.

Bold strategy.

Now imagine getting home afterward and thinking, “You know what? I need to leave a Yelp review.”

That’s where we begin.

We also found a married couple who went to the same brothel FOR DINNER and were significantly more upset about missing ranch than the fact that they were eating chi...

Family is important. Apparently not important enough to ask your brother to donate sperm without turning every future Christmas into a psychological hostage situation.

We also learned that powdered corpses used to count as medicine, a frightened whale can blast three gallons of intestinal “Ink”, and one German man somehow found room for 278 genital piercings.

Then a rabid bat landed on a teenager’s face, Mortimer w...

Stroke went to the Mayo Clinic, surrendered 32 vials of blood, and learned he has a tropical parasite that may have been living inside him for years. Most people would process that information privately. We immediately asked him to inspect his poop and send pictures if anything worm-shaped appears.

That somehow wasn’t the strangest part of the show.

Ian explains why calling yourself a “regular” does not magically ea...

We brought in the spouses for this episode and within five minutes we were trying to launch a diabetic pee whiskey brand called “The Sweetness”

From there, things somehow got worse.

We talked about the Folsom Rodeo skydiver who almost got turned into a patriotic tent stake, Mikey’s deep hatred of birthday sombreros, and whether a UPS driver throwing a box at a charging dog is self-defense or proof that humanity peak...

The whole gang is back, which means the episode immediately goes off the rails and never even pretends to recover.

It starts with Patreon math, starving African podcasters, Fourth of July jello shots, and the uncomfortable realization that OnlyFans has better analytics than most businesses.

Then Random Facts shows up and ruins everybody’s day with pearlfish living in sea cucumber butts, tapeworms growing 30 feet, itchy organs,...

We took a week off, came back with three hosts, and immediately started doing math on how this show costs about 75 cents an episode, which somehow turned into us being the cheapest whores in podcasting.

Mikey went to San Francisco for his birthday, saw lowrider gangsters blasting Miley Cyrus like the founding fathers intended, and somehow came home angry about some lying table-stealing breakfast goblin at Hot Off The Griddle in Rock...

Ian ditched us for work, so Arnie States showed up, which immediately made the show feel like somebody handed the mic to a man banned from several Costcos.

Stroke explained his Florida oyster pearl hustle like he’s running a seaside jewelry cartel, which somehow turned into “a pearl necklace from Stroke,” because this show has the maturity of a middle school locker room with Wi-Fi.

Jess the song girl sent in a song ...

Stroke was out this episode, so we did the responsible thing and replaced him with Rick, our actual lawyer. Smart move, honestly, because this episode probably needs legal supervision.

We started with a titties hat, then a dick hat, somehow invented “digital AIDS,” revisited the workplace phrase nobody should ever say out loud, and then took a hard turn into couples splitting bills 50/50. Joint accounts, separate account...

Everybody’s barely here, everybody’s allegedly mad at everybody, Stroke is late, Ian has to leave, and somehow that still counts as a functioning podcast… because standards are dead.

We’ve FINALLY got the June shirt of the month (Everything is Fake and Gay)

Mikey is throwing a party at the Boardwalk Fourth of July weekend, Jenn starts wondering if she’s in menopause.

an trying to start his new apartment...

This episode started with a simple relationship question and somehow ended with cousin confessions and discussions about butthole licking.

The big debate: if someone ghosts you after three months, are they responsible when you completely lose your mind afterward?

The jury was divided.

We also discovered that Florida's most misspelled word is apparently "school," held a spelling bee for grown adults, argued about Michael Jordan vs Wayn...

This episode started with Jenn disappearing before showtime and somehow got worse from there.

Stroke introduced a song called Don't Put Bananas In My Butt, which immediately destroyed whatever credibility we had left. Then we stumbled onto a Florida music festival charging $34 for a turkey leg and spent the next twenty minutes trying to figure out whether that counts as theft.

We also uncovered America's forgotten government cheese m...

Where’s Stroke? We don’t know so naturally we got into an unnecessarily long discussion about AI gender swaps, lesbian filters, whale sperm perfume, and whether a grown man deserves five million dollars because a cruise ship deck was hot in Florida.

We listen to voicemails, read your comments and check Craigslist where we find twinks and pregnant pillow princesses.

There’s also a guy using AI to fake Uber damage ph...

After taking a week off, the gang comes back like four exhausted mall cops trying to process a world where people are emotionally cheating with AI girlfriends.

In this episode of Not That Damn Show a lawyer got caught doing deeply illegal things with the family dog, and somebody in Florida almost burned down an apartment over missing apple slices.

Ian launches into a full boomer meltdown over paper McFlurry cups and disappearing ket...

We’re off this week, so we dug through the NTDS vault and pulled out one of the most catastrophically stupid games we’ve ever played.

Jen brought in inmate dating profiles and forced us to blindly pick our ideal prison soulmate without seeing pictures first. Which somehow turned into four grown adults profiling criminals based on hobbies, grammar, HVAC certifications, and whether somebody watches SpongeBob.

At one point I...

Since we’re off this week, we figured it was the perfect time to revisit one of the dumbest things this show has ever done: reading viral BookTok smut novels out loud like emotionally damaged audiobook actors.

What started as “this should be funny” immediately turned into phrases like “wet slabs,” “intimate muscles,” and multiple conversations nobody wanted to have about fingers in asses.

Al...

This episode of Not That Damn Show somehow starts with dead bodies getting goosebumps and ends with a grown man explaining why he refuses to eat “BBL ass” like he’s delivering a TED Talk from a gas station parking lot.

The gang falls down rabbit holes involving church fights, giraffes tasting piss, Pornhub page 448, HOA snitches losing their minds over Govee lights, and a law student secretly filming people in a b...

This week starts with Mikey accidentally turning NOT TDS into Pornhub Lite after trying to monetize the website and immediately getting greeted by a giant vagina and a “girl 3 miles away wants to fuck” popup.

Stroke’s getting his master’s degree while simultaneously questioning whether touring Thomas Jefferson’s slave mansion makes him racist by association.

Jenn gets “higher than giraffe pussy&r...