January 9, 2023 • 23 mins
I used to think resolutions were absolutely useless. If you want to start a habit, start today, don’t wait for the calendar to change. Now, I’ve softened that stance because I’ve realized a few things about New Year’s Resolutions, including what makes this one of a handful of good timesto establish new habits. In this episode, we’ll discuss why and how to establish some resolutions that you can actually stick to (if you even want to at all!). Ones that don’t involve trying to become a whole new person in 3 weeks and then crashing.
In this episode, I mention my Strong As A Mother: Live program, which is starting a new phase this week, making it a great time to apply for the program. Head to kellybryantwellness.com/strong-as-a-mother-live/ to learn more!
If you're loving my podcast content, but are looking for something more to support your wellness journey, here are my programs currently available:
Strong As A Mother: Postpartum (https://www.kellybryantwellness.com/strong-as-a-mother/)
Strong As A Mother: Live (https://www.kellybryantwellness.com/strong-as-a-mother-live/)
Strong As A Mother: Prenatal (https://www.kellybryantwellness.com/strong-as-a-mother-prenatal/)
As always, you can find me on Instagram @kellybryantwellness
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Shure MV5 & FaceTime HD (00:05):
Welcome back to the not your mama
podcast, this is your host KellyBryant.
And this week we are talkingabout new year's resolutions.
Now, I may have a little bit ofa different take on new year's
resolutions than you are used tohearing from a lot of coaches
and trainers.
And that's I think with goodreason.
So, there's a lot of pushbackagainst resolutions and that's
(00:26):
largely, I think because a lotof us coaches see people come
into the new year, like, I'mgoing to change everything about
myself.
And inevitably we see that wecan't become a new person
overnight.
And so, you know, people, ifit's, for example, like weight
loss or eating differently,people go so hard, so fast, that
they, revert right back to theirold habits and actually end up
(00:48):
in a worse position than theystarted.
And so there's been this sort ofreaction, at least among the
coaches who I know of saying,you know, there's nothing
special about the new year.
You don't need to do anythingdifferent, you know, don't make
resolutions, all of that.
And I've been part of that, youknow, vocal group myself as
well.
But, you know, I've looked atsome research, seen some other
(01:09):
experts talk about it, and I'vekind of revised my position a
little bit because the idea thatthere's nothing special about
January 1st isn't exactly true.
While, yes, you can start a newhabit any time.
As humans, we like what arecalled temporal landmarks.
Points in time that make iteasier for us to say that's who
(01:33):
I used to be, and this is who Iam now.
When we are creating behaviorchange, there's a lot of
cognitive dissonance.
We are acting in ways that aredifferent than we always have,
and it's very difficult for ourbrain to reconcile.
So it can actually be reallyhelpful to have a temporal
landmark where we can sayactually, who I am now is
(01:54):
different than who I was before.
And that means that I makedifferent choices.
I follow different behaviors.
So, temporal landmarks are not abad thing.
We actually can use them.
Harness them.
In our favor, the first of theyear is not the only one by any
means, right?
Monday.
Every Monday is a temporallandmark.
We often, you know, think likethis is the week I'm going to
behave differently.
(02:15):
Changes in season first of themonth, maybe for you it's your
birthday.
Right?
So when, when we have that, likethose external factors that
allow us to feel like, okay,like I can be different after
this point in time, it actuallymakes it a lot easier to behave
differently.
So all that to say, if you don'twant to make new year's
(02:37):
resolutions, no problem.
Like you do not need to changejust because it's the first of
the year.
But if you're feeling that sortof calling to want to create
some new behaviors or maybechange some behaviors from the
past, it's very normal to feelthat way at the beginning of a
new year.
And we can take that.
Temporal landmark and takeadvantage of it.
(02:58):
So I want to talk about how wedo that, and I'm going to share
my own goals for 2023, as anexample, as a sort of roadmap
for how you might build yours.
So the way that I like to startis with a little bit of
reflection and creating formyself, an intention or a word
for the year.
So a word of the year is like avery common, a newer version of
(03:21):
a resolution.
So rather than saying, like, I'mgonna lose 20 pounds and I'm
going to stop smoking and I'mgoing to work out five days a
week, and whatever else peoplemight set as very common, new
year's resolutions.
A word for the year is a littlebit of like a looser guideline
that allows you to say, whenfaced with the decision, this is
the guiding principle that I'mgoing to decide based on.
(03:46):
And I like for that word to benot drastically different than
how I've behaved in the past.
A fine tuning, if you will, ofmy previous identity and my
previous priorities.
So I would never, you know, likego into the new year and be
like, my 2 023 word is power.
(04:06):
Like that's not me.
It's not who I am.
I don't think anybody reallygoes into the new year is like
power, but it's best exampleI've got right now.
I'm not trying to become a brandnew person.
I'm trying to take who I've beenand tweak.
Right.
Notice the things that have beenmaybe off for me.
That's the case.
My 2023 word is routine.
(04:27):
And that word comes from thefact that I've just had a year
of being pregnant, having a babyand having an infant.
And so routine is out thewindow.
I've had routines in the past.
And so this isn't like a oh newyear, new me.
I'm going to be a differentperson.
It's just, Hey, it would feelreally good to get back to
having more of a solid routine.
(04:47):
And that feels really good tome.
So, you can choose any kind ofword that you like.
A couple others that areconsidered were rest and
recreate my word for last yearfor obvious reasons based on
where I am in life was calm.
Everything.
Every time I was faced with adecision I focused on how do I
(05:10):
choose the thing that allows meto be more calm.
And a mantra that I had aroundthat was let it be easy.
Let it be easy.
So this year it's routine.
So take a second.
If you want to do this with me,take a second and choose your
word.
And I encourage, you know,there's lots of ways that you
(05:30):
can reflect on this.
I actually shared with my emailnewsletter a a list of nine
journal prompts for the newyear.
If you feel like you wouldreally like to see those
prompts, shoot me a message onInstagram or my business page on
Facebook.
And I will send those right overto you.
And of course sign up for theemail newsletter so you can get
all of the future things that Isend out.
But now that you've got aroutine, every time you're faced
(05:54):
with a decision you have thatguiding principle that says is
this in service of the idea of,for me, routine.
So an example is there's aconference that's in Texas in
February.
So right around my, my son'sfirst birthday and I really
(06:16):
wanted to go.
Looking at it, the speakers arereally great.
Like I love travel.
So just the idea of being ableto get away.
And I looked at all of thethings it would take in my life
to facilitate me going.
Not that it's not possible.
I very supportive family.
So we would've figured it out.
Right.
We would have figured out how tohave someone watching my son.
(06:36):
I would have pumped like Bob.
It would've been verycomplicated though, and it would
not have been routine.
So I stepped back and said,would this conference be great?
Yes.
In a different year.
Do I want to go?
Yes.
This year, that is not inservice of my bigger picture
goals and the person who I wantto be this year.
So, no, it's a no for me.
So given that larger intention,you can start to think about all
(07:01):
the ways that might show up inyour life.
Yes, obviously you can use thatintention to make specific
concrete decisions, but as itpertains to setting goals or
quote unquote resolutions forthe new year, We want to ideate
a little bit on what are theways that routine in my case, or
maybe it's creativity or maybeit's rest, whatever show up in
(07:21):
your life.
What aspects of your life dothey show up in?
So for example, I know that Iwould love to have a more
regular and predictable exerciseroutine.
I do work out.
Fairly frequently, but it's veryrandom when I can get it in and
so forth.
And I've shared before thatthat's actually an adherence
(07:41):
tactic for me.
But going into this new year, Iwant that exercise routine to be
more routine.
So that's one another is I wantroutines around cleaning and
laundry things around my house.
I keep my house running.
I want more of those routines.
I want self care routines.
(08:02):
So, you know, times that I cando things by myself, time away
from the kids times that I can.
I meet up with my friends timesthat I can have regular date
nights with my husband.
So that's a type of routine, abig one is that I want to travel
more regularly.
So setting up a routine of aquarterly weekend getaway is one
version of routine.
(08:22):
So routine and whatever word youchoose can be very broad.
And we want to get a little bitmore discreet about how it might
show up in your life.
We're not going to change everyaspect of your life is at once.
Right?
So if I said, okay, January 1st,I'm going to start this new
cleaning routine around thehouse.
I'm going to work out at XYZtime.
(08:44):
You know, all of these thingsthat we're going to be different
about myself, by the way, thisis, this is my toxic trait, is
that I'm like, I can do all thethings at once.
So we don't want to do that.
Choose one aspect of your lifethat you want to play with.
So, what I decided is for me,it's going to be my work
(09:05):
routine, my work hours, the waythat I, I don't want to say
conduct myself at work for sure.
The way that I conduct myself,you know, when I come to sit
down at this desk, the routinesthat show up there.
And that one aspect of thereason I chose that is that I
know in my own experience, whenthose routines get out of sync,
(09:28):
the dominoes cascade, right.
Would I really like for my houseto be more immaculate more
regularly?
Yes.
I would love for that routine tobe the first thing I tweak.
However, I know that if my houseis more clean, that's not going
to affect any of those otherbehaviors.
So I want to choose the mostimpactful thing right now.
(09:48):
And I know that my routinesaround work are the most
impactful for all of the otherroutines that I want to adjust
down the line.
I also know that, for me,they're not the hardest, they're
challenging, but they aredoable.
I can change that.
So, if you're doing this alongwith me, you've got a word.
(10:09):
You've then chosen, you know,you've looked at all the
different aspects, all thedifferent ways that that word
shows up in your life.
And you've chosen one thatyou're going to focus on for the
first month.
And maybe for you, you need aquarter or you need six weeks,
whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Choose a frame, a timeframe.
You've chosen that aspect.
And then this is where weactually get down to like
(10:30):
resolutions or writing downgoals, writing down actual
things that we were going tochange and do differently.
And this is where we tend to getmessed up.
We go straight to what are allthe things I'm going to change
instead of looking first at.
What are my guiding principles?
What are my values, so that Ican make sure that each of the
things that I'm changing isactually meaningful.
(10:52):
For who I want to be in thiscoming year.
So I'll share what mine are foraccountability.
Mine are, I will get ready forbed at 9:00 PM and be in bed by
nine 30 so that I can get up at6:00 AM five days a week.
So far we're one work week intothe year.
I've been successful with that.
But that is a, that is a hugeimpact.
(11:14):
Huge impact.
And it's not.
Quote, unquote hard in the senseof like, you know, going and
doing a workout is hard.
Not spending more time on myphone is a challenging behavior
to change, but it's not actuallya hard thing to do if that makes
sense.
So that's one big one.
The other one is I will eitherwork out before 7:00 AM or else
(11:38):
I will not work out.
Now.
This is important to me that Ihave that flexibility built in.
I want to work out moreregularly.
I want that to be part of myroutine.
But I also recognize that Istill have a 10 month old baby
who is not fully sleep trained.
It's a story for another day.
So, I'm not going to wake upevery single morning at 6:00 AM
(11:59):
and be ready to, you know, hitthe gym.
I want to wake up at 6:00 AM.
And if I feel tired, take amorning to putter around, drink
my coffee and walk the dog.
Right.
I don't have to do a workoutfive days a week.
My, my workout program isactually built so that I do
four, just like I do in strongas a mother, which is my, my.
Postpartum my, my more advancedpostpartum training program is
(12:21):
strong as a mother live.
So I like four days a week.
That gives me just enoughflexibility that I have to work
out regularly, but I don't haveto work out every single day.
And I have that flexibility thatI can do whatever in the morning
is actually appropriate forwhere I'm at for how much I've
slept and so forth.
So I'll work out before 7:00 AMor else I won't.
(12:42):
And what that allows me to do isit says the rest of my day,
where normally I might be like,oh, I really want to get this
workout done today.
I'll push it back to noon.
I'll push back to two, I'll pushit back to four.
I'll push it back to six.
Right.
And that just creates all ofthis kind of chaos in my day of
like, when am I going to dothis?
And what other things are gonnachange?
So, that's the intention.
(13:03):
There is like, I'll do it byseven.
If I don't do it by seven, I'mnot going to let the rest of my
day get discombobulated.
Next thing I will be at my desk.
Eight to five, Monday to Friday,unless I finished all of my
work.
That is a big one.
I personally, and this is whereit comes down to knowing
(13:25):
yourself.
I know myself and that for me.
I'm very good at telling myselfyou deserve a break.
You earned a break or you'll getthis done later, or it's not
going to take as long as youthink, just take an extra 15
minutes or you really need thisnap in order to finish
everything else you've got goingon.
This is an experiment.
(13:45):
I don't fully know how this isgoing to go.
I know how the first week of themonth went, but in order to feel
like I really know where I'mstarting from.
I wanted to create this, theseconstraints around my time.
So that I could create routineand therefore iterate on that
routine.
It's very hard to iterate whenyou don't really know where
(14:07):
you're starting from.
And then the last thing is I'llcheck my work messages for the
last time each day, immediatelyafter the kids go to bed.
And then I'm off my phone, therest of the day.
That's like I said before.
This list of things is not hardin the sense of like actually
being a lot of effort to do thethings.
(14:30):
But the behavior changes arechallenging.
I think it's really importantthat we make sure that if we are
changing behavior, We're notchanging behavior with something
that's also going to be a lot ofeffort.
We do have a limited amount ofenergy that we can put out on
any given day.
So if I'm going to say, oh, I'mgoing to wake up at 6:00 AM
(14:51):
every single day.
I'm going to go to the gym foran hour.
I'm going to do this particularworkout program.
That's five days a week, andthen I'm going to eat you know,
Egg white omelet.
And then, you know, like all ofthese things that actually
individually require a lot ofeffort.
I'm much less likely to besuccessful.
So I hope that that helps yousort of frame.
(15:12):
How might I look at the actualbehaviors that I need to adjust
to drive.
This kind of overarching themethat I have for this month or
this quarter, or this six weekperiod.
Some things I want to reallyhighlight here.
One, there are four behaviorshere.
Two is enough.
One is enough.
(15:32):
Three is enough.
Four is really like maxed out.
And the only reason I chose fouris because they are very
connected to one another, right?
Like get up at 6:00 AM and thenwork out by 7:00 AM or don't
work out.
Those are fairly connected toone another.
So they, they build on oneanother.
There's not four completelydistinct things.
If you're choosing like veryseparate behaviors I would say
(15:53):
two to three behaviors, max.
You do not want to be adjustingbehaviors at every single point
of of your day, mine are verystacked and that's behavior.
Stacking is a thing that you canutilize.
So if you already have onebehavior anchored, you can stack
(16:14):
other behaviors on, and thatmakes it a lot easier to be
successful.
The other thing I want to pointout.
Is that.
Each of these behaviors isphrased as an actual distinct.
Decision, an actual distinctthing that I can do.
Every single day.
(16:35):
It is very clear.
Am I doing this or am I notdoing this?
Right.
So.
Eat healthy.
Work out more.
Those are not good resolutionsbecause they do not.
They're not asking are yousuccessful or not.
It's very hard to tell if youwere being successful.
Within the actual behavior.
So each one of these, I can say,check the box.
Yes or no.
Did I do that?
It's very clear, very succinct,and it's very.
(16:58):
Micro.
Right?
So it's, what is the actualbehavior that I need to do this
day in this moment?
Very clear.
So.
That's not where we stop.
We don't just say like, cool.
These are new behaviors I'mgoing to do.
It has all, there's a last stepthat's really important, and
that is that you choose a setamount of time that you're going
to follow these new behaviorsand then assess how it's going.
(17:23):
So for me, that's the month ofJanuary.
I'm going to take the wholemonth of January and I'm going
to be committed to these things.
I'm going to touch on what thatmeans in a moment, but I'm going
to commit to these behaviors.
I'm not going to change thegoals.
I'm not going to increase ordecrease them.
These are my behaviors forJanuary and at the end of the
month, I'm going to go throughand say, Are these doable?
(17:45):
And do they drive the changethat I want?
And then you get to actuallyadjust them.
This is really important that wedon't just blindly continue
following these cycles.
I mean, they're arbitrary,right?
Essentially.
You're just making your bestguess.
You're throwing a dart at thewall and saying like, I think
that this is going to bepossible for me to do and drive
the change that I want, but wedon't know for sure.
(18:08):
So to blindly follow that aswhat we call all or nothing
thinking.
You don't have to follow it nomatter what you can say.
Okay.
It's been a month.
I now have learned some things.
I've got all these data pointscoming in and I can see that
maybe this doesn't drive thechange that I thought it would
drive.
Right.
I'm going to bed at night andI'm getting up at six and still
(18:30):
not being super effective withinmy Workday.
So let's forget that rule or,you know, I'm, I'm getting off
my phone at the end of theWorkday, but I'm still finding
that I want to stay up reallylate.
So that, that behavior doesn'treally matter.
You can also say actually thatwas too easy, right?
Like.
I actually could, you know, Makethis more challenging for myself
(18:51):
and in some way or easier,right?
So you can change either the,the actual behavior, because
it's not driving the change.
You thought it would drive whereyou can say.
I'm not there yet.
This is too hard for where I amright now.
That's okay.
I'm going to take an easierversion of it so that I can be
successful.
I can start to see change andthen maybe in a month, I'll
(19:13):
increase the intensity again.
So.
You take those behaviors, youassess how they're doing.
You adjust as needed.
You can drop them.
You can add them, you can adjustthem.
All good.
Once you've got the succinct setof behaviors.
It's important that we recognizethe goal is not to be perfect.
(19:35):
So just because there were threedays in the month that you
messed up does not mean thatthat goal is not possible and
not worthy.
And you should just throw itout.
It also doesn't mean that if youscrew up, once you get rid of
it, you stop doing it completelyon the spot.
No, you actually want to screwup early and often so that you
can practice how you talk toyourself and how you continue on
(19:58):
the next day.
So we want to make sure thatyou're getting some exposure to
discomfort.
You're getting some practice,some reps on how you talk to
yourself and how you act whenyou do fail, because we all
inevitably fail eventually.
So don't worry about gettingsome perfect streak and, you
(20:20):
know, making sure that you, youcontinue every single day
because you, you have to likehold onto it with this white
knuckle death grip that if youscrew up once, then it's all
wasted because we know that'snot true.
We know that if you do it, Fourdays out of five, you're still
doing way better than you didbefore.
Right?
You're doing it four times morethan you maybe would have
(20:42):
before.
So it's important that we don'thave that all or nothing
thinking it's important that yougive yourself grace to screw up
and you know that you're goingto come back and do it the next
day.
Anyway, you're going to tryagain the next day.
That's why we set this like onemonth or six weeks or whatever
you want.
This ex expectation of this ishow long I'm going to try before
(21:02):
I say this is too hard, or thisisn't the, the choice that I
need to make.
So that is kind of the last stepis making sure that you're okay
with messing up.
You're prepared to mess up.
You have this failure tolerancebuilt-in, this failure
expectation that you know,you're not going to be perfect
and you're going to do it thenext day again.
(21:22):
Anyway.
I will tell you I have screwedup in the first, the first week
I worked late several days inthe first week of the month.
I'm going to try to do betterthe next week.
It is what it is.
That's okay.
I'm learning, I'm learningthings about myself and that's
all this is about, of course youdo this for a month, then you
say, okay, it's been a month.
(21:45):
I love these behaviors.
I really like all of thesethings.
They feel automatic.
Or it feels like it's stilltaking a lot of work and those
behaviors aren't ingrained yet.
And then you decide, okay, I'mgoing to give it another month.
I'm gonna take all of Februaryto keep practicing until it is
automatic.
When it's automatic, then you goback to your list of different
(22:06):
aspects of your life and decide,okay, I've got this system
worked out, I'm following XYZ,perfectly.
I'm going to add on this othercomponent and start to change
another behavior.
If you do this, if you iterateon your behaviors in this way
for an entire year, you will notrecognize who you are at the
other end of the year.
(22:27):
And I can't wait to come backand reflect with you guys.
At the end of this year.
Thanks for joining me.
Welcome back to the not your mama
podcast, this is your host KellyBryant.
And this week we are talkingabout new year's resolutions.
Now, I may have a little bit ofa different take on new year's
resolutions than you are used tohearing from a lot of coaches
and trainers.
And that's I think with goodreason.
So, there's a lot of pushbackagainst resolutions and that's
(00:26):
largely, I think because a lotof us coaches see people come
into the new year, like, I'mgoing to change everything about
myself.
And inevitably we see that wecan't become a new person
overnight.
And so, you know, people, ifit's, for example, like weight
loss or eating differently,people go so hard, so fast, that
they, revert right back to theirold habits and actually end up
(00:48):
in a worse position than theystarted.
And so there's been this sort ofreaction, at least among the
coaches who I know of saying,you know, there's nothing
special about the new year.
You don't need to do anythingdifferent, you know, don't make
resolutions, all of that.
And I've been part of that, youknow, vocal group myself as
well.
But, you know, I've looked atsome research, seen some other
(01:09):
experts talk about it, and I'vekind of revised my position a
little bit because the idea thatthere's nothing special about
January 1st isn't exactly true.
While, yes, you can start a newhabit any time.
As humans, we like what arecalled temporal landmarks.
Points in time that make iteasier for us to say that's who
(01:33):
I used to be, and this is who Iam now.
When we are creating behaviorchange, there's a lot of
cognitive dissonance.
We are acting in ways that aredifferent than we always have,
and it's very difficult for ourbrain to reconcile.
So it can actually be reallyhelpful to have a temporal
landmark where we can sayactually, who I am now is
(01:54):
different than who I was before.
And that means that I makedifferent choices.
I follow different behaviors.
So, temporal landmarks are not abad thing.
We actually can use them.
Harness them.
In our favor, the first of theyear is not the only one by any
means, right?
Monday.
Every Monday is a temporallandmark.
We often, you know, think likethis is the week I'm going to
behave differently.
(02:15):
Changes in season first of themonth, maybe for you it's your
birthday.
Right?
So when, when we have that, likethose external factors that
allow us to feel like, okay,like I can be different after
this point in time, it actuallymakes it a lot easier to behave
differently.
So all that to say, if you don'twant to make new year's
(02:37):
resolutions, no problem.
Like you do not need to changejust because it's the first of
the year.
But if you're feeling that sortof calling to want to create
some new behaviors or maybechange some behaviors from the
past, it's very normal to feelthat way at the beginning of a
new year.
And we can take that.
Temporal landmark and takeadvantage of it.
(02:58):
So I want to talk about how wedo that, and I'm going to share
my own goals for 2023, as anexample, as a sort of roadmap
for how you might build yours.
So the way that I like to startis with a little bit of
reflection and creating formyself, an intention or a word
for the year.
So a word of the year is like avery common, a newer version of
(03:21):
a resolution.
So rather than saying, like, I'mgonna lose 20 pounds and I'm
going to stop smoking and I'mgoing to work out five days a
week, and whatever else peoplemight set as very common, new
year's resolutions.
A word for the year is a littlebit of like a looser guideline
that allows you to say, whenfaced with the decision, this is
the guiding principle that I'mgoing to decide based on.
(03:46):
And I like for that word to benot drastically different than
how I've behaved in the past.
A fine tuning, if you will, ofmy previous identity and my
previous priorities.
So I would never, you know, likego into the new year and be
like, my 2 023 word is power.
(04:06):
Like that's not me.
It's not who I am.
I don't think anybody reallygoes into the new year is like
power, but it's best exampleI've got right now.
I'm not trying to become a brandnew person.
I'm trying to take who I've beenand tweak.
Right.
Notice the things that have beenmaybe off for me.
That's the case.
My 2023 word is routine.
(04:27):
And that word comes from thefact that I've just had a year
of being pregnant, having a babyand having an infant.
And so routine is out thewindow.
I've had routines in the past.
And so this isn't like a oh newyear, new me.
I'm going to be a differentperson.
It's just, Hey, it would feelreally good to get back to
having more of a solid routine.
(04:47):
And that feels really good tome.
So, you can choose any kind ofword that you like.
A couple others that areconsidered were rest and
recreate my word for last yearfor obvious reasons based on
where I am in life was calm.
Everything.
Every time I was faced with adecision I focused on how do I
(05:10):
choose the thing that allows meto be more calm.
And a mantra that I had aroundthat was let it be easy.
Let it be easy.
So this year it's routine.
So take a second.
If you want to do this with me,take a second and choose your
word.
And I encourage, you know,there's lots of ways that you
(05:30):
can reflect on this.
I actually shared with my emailnewsletter a a list of nine
journal prompts for the newyear.
If you feel like you wouldreally like to see those
prompts, shoot me a message onInstagram or my business page on
Facebook.
And I will send those right overto you.
And of course sign up for theemail newsletter so you can get
all of the future things that Isend out.
But now that you've got aroutine, every time you're faced
(05:54):
with a decision you have thatguiding principle that says is
this in service of the idea of,for me, routine.
So an example is there's aconference that's in Texas in
February.
So right around my, my son'sfirst birthday and I really
(06:16):
wanted to go.
Looking at it, the speakers arereally great.
Like I love travel.
So just the idea of being ableto get away.
And I looked at all of thethings it would take in my life
to facilitate me going.
Not that it's not possible.
I very supportive family.
So we would've figured it out.
Right.
We would have figured out how tohave someone watching my son.
(06:36):
I would have pumped like Bob.
It would've been verycomplicated though, and it would
not have been routine.
So I stepped back and said,would this conference be great?
Yes.
In a different year.
Do I want to go?
Yes.
This year, that is not inservice of my bigger picture
goals and the person who I wantto be this year.
So, no, it's a no for me.
So given that larger intention,you can start to think about all
(07:01):
the ways that might show up inyour life.
Yes, obviously you can use thatintention to make specific
concrete decisions, but as itpertains to setting goals or
quote unquote resolutions forthe new year, We want to ideate
a little bit on what are theways that routine in my case, or
maybe it's creativity or maybeit's rest, whatever show up in
(07:21):
your life.
What aspects of your life dothey show up in?
So for example, I know that Iwould love to have a more
regular and predictable exerciseroutine.
I do work out.
Fairly frequently, but it's veryrandom when I can get it in and
so forth.
And I've shared before thatthat's actually an adherence
(07:41):
tactic for me.
But going into this new year, Iwant that exercise routine to be
more routine.
So that's one another is I wantroutines around cleaning and
laundry things around my house.
I keep my house running.
I want more of those routines.
I want self care routines.
(08:02):
So, you know, times that I cando things by myself, time away
from the kids times that I can.
I meet up with my friends timesthat I can have regular date
nights with my husband.
So that's a type of routine, abig one is that I want to travel
more regularly.
So setting up a routine of aquarterly weekend getaway is one
version of routine.
(08:22):
So routine and whatever word youchoose can be very broad.
And we want to get a little bitmore discreet about how it might
show up in your life.
We're not going to change everyaspect of your life is at once.
Right?
So if I said, okay, January 1st,I'm going to start this new
cleaning routine around thehouse.
I'm going to work out at XYZtime.
(08:44):
You know, all of these thingsthat we're going to be different
about myself, by the way, thisis, this is my toxic trait, is
that I'm like, I can do all thethings at once.
So we don't want to do that.
Choose one aspect of your lifethat you want to play with.
So, what I decided is for me,it's going to be my work
(09:05):
routine, my work hours, the waythat I, I don't want to say
conduct myself at work for sure.
The way that I conduct myself,you know, when I come to sit
down at this desk, the routinesthat show up there.
And that one aspect of thereason I chose that is that I
know in my own experience, whenthose routines get out of sync,
(09:28):
the dominoes cascade, right.
Would I really like for my houseto be more immaculate more
regularly?
Yes.
I would love for that routine tobe the first thing I tweak.
However, I know that if my houseis more clean, that's not going
to affect any of those otherbehaviors.
So I want to choose the mostimpactful thing right now.
(09:48):
And I know that my routinesaround work are the most
impactful for all of the otherroutines that I want to adjust
down the line.
I also know that, for me,they're not the hardest, they're
challenging, but they aredoable.
I can change that.
So, if you're doing this alongwith me, you've got a word.
(10:09):
You've then chosen, you know,you've looked at all the
different aspects, all thedifferent ways that that word
shows up in your life.
And you've chosen one thatyou're going to focus on for the
first month.
And maybe for you, you need aquarter or you need six weeks,
whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Choose a frame, a timeframe.
You've chosen that aspect.
And then this is where weactually get down to like
(10:30):
resolutions or writing downgoals, writing down actual
things that we were going tochange and do differently.
And this is where we tend to getmessed up.
We go straight to what are allthe things I'm going to change
instead of looking first at.
What are my guiding principles?
What are my values, so that Ican make sure that each of the
things that I'm changing isactually meaningful.
(10:52):
For who I want to be in thiscoming year.
So I'll share what mine are foraccountability.
Mine are, I will get ready forbed at 9:00 PM and be in bed by
nine 30 so that I can get up at6:00 AM five days a week.
So far we're one work week intothe year.
I've been successful with that.
But that is a, that is a hugeimpact.
(11:14):
Huge impact.
And it's not.
Quote, unquote hard in the senseof like, you know, going and
doing a workout is hard.
Not spending more time on myphone is a challenging behavior
to change, but it's not actuallya hard thing to do if that makes
sense.
So that's one big one.
The other one is I will eitherwork out before 7:00 AM or else
(11:38):
I will not work out.
Now.
This is important to me that Ihave that flexibility built in.
I want to work out moreregularly.
I want that to be part of myroutine.
But I also recognize that Istill have a 10 month old baby
who is not fully sleep trained.
It's a story for another day.
So, I'm not going to wake upevery single morning at 6:00 AM
(11:59):
and be ready to, you know, hitthe gym.
I want to wake up at 6:00 AM.
And if I feel tired, take amorning to putter around, drink
my coffee and walk the dog.
Right.
I don't have to do a workoutfive days a week.
My, my workout program isactually built so that I do
four, just like I do in strongas a mother, which is my, my.
Postpartum my, my more advancedpostpartum training program is
(12:21):
strong as a mother live.
So I like four days a week.
That gives me just enoughflexibility that I have to work
out regularly, but I don't haveto work out every single day.
And I have that flexibility thatI can do whatever in the morning
is actually appropriate forwhere I'm at for how much I've
slept and so forth.
So I'll work out before 7:00 AMor else I won't.
(12:42):
And what that allows me to do isit says the rest of my day,
where normally I might be like,oh, I really want to get this
workout done today.
I'll push it back to noon.
I'll push back to two, I'll pushit back to four.
I'll push it back to six.
Right.
And that just creates all ofthis kind of chaos in my day of
like, when am I going to dothis?
And what other things are gonnachange?
So, that's the intention.
(13:03):
There is like, I'll do it byseven.
If I don't do it by seven, I'mnot going to let the rest of my
day get discombobulated.
Next thing I will be at my desk.
Eight to five, Monday to Friday,unless I finished all of my
work.
That is a big one.
I personally, and this is whereit comes down to knowing
(13:25):
yourself.
I know myself and that for me.
I'm very good at telling myselfyou deserve a break.
You earned a break or you'll getthis done later, or it's not
going to take as long as youthink, just take an extra 15
minutes or you really need thisnap in order to finish
everything else you've got goingon.
This is an experiment.
(13:45):
I don't fully know how this isgoing to go.
I know how the first week of themonth went, but in order to feel
like I really know where I'mstarting from.
I wanted to create this, theseconstraints around my time.
So that I could create routineand therefore iterate on that
routine.
It's very hard to iterate whenyou don't really know where
(14:07):
you're starting from.
And then the last thing is I'llcheck my work messages for the
last time each day, immediatelyafter the kids go to bed.
And then I'm off my phone, therest of the day.
That's like I said before.
This list of things is not hardin the sense of like actually
being a lot of effort to do thethings.
(14:30):
But the behavior changes arechallenging.
I think it's really importantthat we make sure that if we are
changing behavior, We're notchanging behavior with something
that's also going to be a lot ofeffort.
We do have a limited amount ofenergy that we can put out on
any given day.
So if I'm going to say, oh, I'mgoing to wake up at 6:00 AM
(14:51):
every single day.
I'm going to go to the gym foran hour.
I'm going to do this particularworkout program.
That's five days a week, andthen I'm going to eat you know,
Egg white omelet.
And then, you know, like all ofthese things that actually
individually require a lot ofeffort.
I'm much less likely to besuccessful.
So I hope that that helps yousort of frame.
(15:12):
How might I look at the actualbehaviors that I need to adjust
to drive.
This kind of overarching themethat I have for this month or
this quarter, or this six weekperiod.
Some things I want to reallyhighlight here.
One, there are four behaviorshere.
Two is enough.
One is enough.
(15:32):
Three is enough.
Four is really like maxed out.
And the only reason I chose fouris because they are very
connected to one another, right?
Like get up at 6:00 AM and thenwork out by 7:00 AM or don't
work out.
Those are fairly connected toone another.
So they, they build on oneanother.
There's not four completelydistinct things.
If you're choosing like veryseparate behaviors I would say
(15:53):
two to three behaviors, max.
You do not want to be adjustingbehaviors at every single point
of of your day, mine are verystacked and that's behavior.
Stacking is a thing that you canutilize.
So if you already have onebehavior anchored, you can stack
(16:14):
other behaviors on, and thatmakes it a lot easier to be
successful.
The other thing I want to pointout.
Is that.
Each of these behaviors isphrased as an actual distinct.
Decision, an actual distinctthing that I can do.
Every single day.
(16:35):
It is very clear.
Am I doing this or am I notdoing this?
Right.
So.
Eat healthy.
Work out more.
Those are not good resolutionsbecause they do not.
They're not asking are yousuccessful or not.
It's very hard to tell if youwere being successful.
Within the actual behavior.
So each one of these, I can say,check the box.
Yes or no.
Did I do that?
It's very clear, very succinct,and it's very.
(16:58):
Micro.
Right?
So it's, what is the actualbehavior that I need to do this
day in this moment?
Very clear.
So.
That's not where we stop.
We don't just say like, cool.
These are new behaviors I'mgoing to do.
It has all, there's a last stepthat's really important, and
that is that you choose a setamount of time that you're going
to follow these new behaviorsand then assess how it's going.
(17:23):
So for me, that's the month ofJanuary.
I'm going to take the wholemonth of January and I'm going
to be committed to these things.
I'm going to touch on what thatmeans in a moment, but I'm going
to commit to these behaviors.
I'm not going to change thegoals.
I'm not going to increase ordecrease them.
These are my behaviors forJanuary and at the end of the
month, I'm going to go throughand say, Are these doable?
(17:45):
And do they drive the changethat I want?
And then you get to actuallyadjust them.
This is really important that wedon't just blindly continue
following these cycles.
I mean, they're arbitrary,right?
Essentially.
You're just making your bestguess.
You're throwing a dart at thewall and saying like, I think
that this is going to bepossible for me to do and drive
the change that I want, but wedon't know for sure.
(18:08):
So to blindly follow that aswhat we call all or nothing
thinking.
You don't have to follow it nomatter what you can say.
Okay.
It's been a month.
I now have learned some things.
I've got all these data pointscoming in and I can see that
maybe this doesn't drive thechange that I thought it would
drive.
Right.
I'm going to bed at night andI'm getting up at six and still
(18:30):
not being super effective withinmy Workday.
So let's forget that rule or,you know, I'm, I'm getting off
my phone at the end of theWorkday, but I'm still finding
that I want to stay up reallylate.
So that, that behavior doesn'treally matter.
You can also say actually thatwas too easy, right?
Like.
I actually could, you know, Makethis more challenging for myself
(18:51):
and in some way or easier,right?
So you can change either the,the actual behavior, because
it's not driving the change.
You thought it would drive whereyou can say.
I'm not there yet.
This is too hard for where I amright now.
That's okay.
I'm going to take an easierversion of it so that I can be
successful.
I can start to see change andthen maybe in a month, I'll
(19:13):
increase the intensity again.
So.
You take those behaviors, youassess how they're doing.
You adjust as needed.
You can drop them.
You can add them, you can adjustthem.
All good.
Once you've got the succinct setof behaviors.
It's important that we recognizethe goal is not to be perfect.
(19:35):
So just because there were threedays in the month that you
messed up does not mean thatthat goal is not possible and
not worthy.
And you should just throw itout.
It also doesn't mean that if youscrew up, once you get rid of
it, you stop doing it completelyon the spot.
No, you actually want to screwup early and often so that you
can practice how you talk toyourself and how you continue on
(19:58):
the next day.
So we want to make sure thatyou're getting some exposure to
discomfort.
You're getting some practice,some reps on how you talk to
yourself and how you act whenyou do fail, because we all
inevitably fail eventually.
So don't worry about gettingsome perfect streak and, you
(20:20):
know, making sure that you, youcontinue every single day
because you, you have to likehold onto it with this white
knuckle death grip that if youscrew up once, then it's all
wasted because we know that'snot true.
We know that if you do it, Fourdays out of five, you're still
doing way better than you didbefore.
Right?
You're doing it four times morethan you maybe would have
(20:42):
before.
So it's important that we don'thave that all or nothing
thinking it's important that yougive yourself grace to screw up
and you know that you're goingto come back and do it the next
day.
Anyway, you're going to tryagain the next day.
That's why we set this like onemonth or six weeks or whatever
you want.
This ex expectation of this ishow long I'm going to try before
(21:02):
I say this is too hard, or thisisn't the, the choice that I
need to make.
So that is kind of the last stepis making sure that you're okay
with messing up.
You're prepared to mess up.
You have this failure tolerancebuilt-in, this failure
expectation that you know,you're not going to be perfect
and you're going to do it thenext day again.
(21:22):
Anyway.
I will tell you I have screwedup in the first, the first week
I worked late several days inthe first week of the month.
I'm going to try to do betterthe next week.
It is what it is.
That's okay.
I'm learning, I'm learningthings about myself and that's
all this is about, of course youdo this for a month, then you
say, okay, it's been a month.
(21:45):
I love these behaviors.
I really like all of thesethings.
They feel automatic.
Or it feels like it's stilltaking a lot of work and those
behaviors aren't ingrained yet.
And then you decide, okay, I'mgoing to give it another month.
I'm gonna take all of Februaryto keep practicing until it is
automatic.
When it's automatic, then you goback to your list of different
(22:06):
aspects of your life and decide,okay, I've got this system
worked out, I'm following XYZ,perfectly.
I'm going to add on this othercomponent and start to change
another behavior.
If you do this, if you iterateon your behaviors in this way
for an entire year, you will notrecognize who you are at the
other end of the year.
(22:27):
And I can't wait to come backand reflect with you guys.
At the end of this year.
Thanks for joining me.
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