September 9, 2025 • 38 mins
When the nest empties and the daily rhythms of motherhood shift, who are you beneath the roles you've played for years? Erica Tatum joins us for a soul-stirring conversation about rediscovering your authentic self after your children leave home.
With remarkable vulnerability, Erica shares her journey through the emotional landscape of empty nesting, a transition many women navigate silently. "I had to decide if this was going to be my ending season or the beginning of my new season," she reflects, capturing that pivotal moment when purpose seems suddenly unclear. Through her story, we explore how easily women lose themselves in caring for others, forgetting who they are outside their titles.
The heart of our discussion centers on reclaiming identity through spiritual reconnection. Erica beautifully articulates how turning to God's word helped her find confidence beyond others' expectations: "Once I found that and put that in my heart and my soul, everything else didn't matter if it was outside the will of God." This foundation becomes the cornerstone for creating safe spaces both for yourself and others, where authentic healing and growth flourish.
We tackle practical challenges, such as setting non-negotiable boundaries around sacred time, rediscovering activities that once brought joy, and evaluating which relationships truly nurture your growth and development. Erica's wisdom on giving yourself grace while celebrating each step forward offers liberation to anyone feeling guilty about prioritizing their own needs.
Whether you're approaching empty nesting, currently navigating it, or simply feeling lost in your roles, Erica's parting reminder resonates powerfully: "You were made on purpose for a purpose." Her book "New Beginnings" and empty-nest journal guide women through this transformative journey of rediscovery.
Brooks Demming Coaching
Dr. Brooks empowers women to overcome adversity by developing resilience. She understands that life
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Episode Transcript
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Intro (00:01):
Welcome to the Off Balance podcast, where faith,
family and business collide,with your host, dr Brooks Deming
, christian life coach,intercessor and entrepreneur.
Dr. Brooks (00:20):
Welcome to Off Balance, the podcast where faith
, family and business and we getreal about navigating it all
with grace and grit.
I'm your host, dr Brooks.
Today on Off Balance, we'rejoined by a voice that speaks
straight to the heart.
I have a special guest.
Her name is Erica Tatum and sheis a faith-filled writer,
speaker and encourager who likeswork.
(00:42):
It's all about helping womenrediscover their identity in
Christ.
Through honest storytelling anddevotionals rich with truth,
erica creates a safe space wherehealing begins and clarity
unfolds and spiritual growth isnurtured.
Her journey has been marked byconfronting fear, silence and
shame, and through it all, she'sfound freedom and
(01:05):
transformation in Christ.
Erica doesn't just teach from adistance.
She walks alongside the womenthat she leads, reminding each
listener that they are seen,chosen and that their story
still matters.
Off Balance, please welcome tothe show, erica Tatum Hi good
evening.
Erica Tatum (01:23):
Good evening Erica Tatum.
Hi, good evening, good eveningeveryone.
Dr Brooks, thank you so muchfor having me on your platform.
It is an honor to come up hereand speak on Off Balance Podcast
.
So I am Erica Tatum and I amsuper super excited.
Nervous at the same time too,but that's okay.
But I'm excited to come on theplatform and just talk about how
I love to empower women after Ihave been through the journey
(01:48):
of rediscovering myself outsideof my roles and my titles.
So I am an encourager, I am afaith filled woman of God and I
put God in everything first thatI do.
So it's an honor.
Thank you so much for having me.
Dr. Brooks (02:00):
No, thank you so much for joining, so you've
already told us your name.
Can you tell us a little bitabout what do you do?
Erica Tatum (02:09):
What do I do?
Wow?
Number one I am an author.
I am a published author now,and to say that it just brings
me excitement that I wasobedient to hear what God told
me to do and say to do.
I am a mother of two beautifulkids, I am a wife, I am an
encourager and I'm also a leader.
(02:29):
So that is who I am.
I am, I'm a full, I'm a ball ofenergy and just love to
encourage and motivate othersaround me.
Dr. Brooks (02:37):
That is so awesome.
So you mentioned that you are amother.
If you don't mind telling us,do you have like school age
children?
Are they adults?
How old are your children?
Erica Tatum (02:45):
They are adults, they are 18 and 21.
So I am an empty nester.
I've been an empty nester nowgoing on two years, so yes,
those are my grown adultchildren.
Dr. Brooks (02:59):
Listen, I am also an empty nester and for me and
my husband it was just a matterof dating again and putting the
marriage back to the forefront.
I wouldn't say it was on theback burner, but I would say
that we were not nurturing likewe should, just raising children
.
So can you talk about what yourexperience as an empty nester
has been like?
Erica Tatum (03:18):
Well, as an empty nester, it has been empty
nesting.
So, as an empty nester, I cantruly say that it is a point in
our life where we have to reallyface our emotions.
Right, because we are involvedin our kids' life, our kids'
school, our husbands.
Like we forget, as mothers andwives, about ourselves.
(03:38):
So, experiencing that quietmoment after the kids were gone,
after they were at theirdestination and came back home,
I have no one scheduled to abideby anymore.
It's my actual schedule.
What do I do with myself?
So that was actually the momentwhere I had to face the roller
coaster of emotions.
You'll have some happy days.
(03:58):
You'll have some days you'llcry, but it's tears of joy.
Okay, this is the moment whereyou really see your parenting,
birth Like.
You'll see the foundation thatyou laid actually being stepped
on, actually being walked on.
So it was scary at first, but Ihad to really feel the feel for
a moment, but not get stuck init.
That's the thing.
(04:19):
Don't get stuck in the field ofnot having to move on someone
else's terms, but to move onwhat's best for you and what's
best for me.
And that's what that experiencewas.
Dr. Brooks (04:30):
Yeah, not getting stuck is so important.
I can remember having a peptalk with my husband after we
dropped our daughter off.
I told him we just have totrust our parenting At this
point.
We just have to trust that allthe things that we taught her,
all the things that we haveguided her, is going to now
manifest, and so we just have totrust that we did a great job.
So I'm glad you cheered on that.
(04:52):
Can you share a defining momentor an experience from your
journey that led you to whereyou are today, particularly in
the context of overcomingadversity?
Erica Tatum (05:02):
Weak, overcoming adversity, listen.
So, as I said during thatseason, I think the light bulb
went off for me when I steppedinto internecine season, because
prior to that, I really didn'tknow who my name was, and I'm
saying that to say I didn't knowwho Erica was outside of mom,
wife, babe, mom, wife that'sfine, those are my titles and my
(05:25):
roles.
But once I stepped into emptynesting role, the moment of you
coming back home from takingyour kids there, that's like
reality all over again.
So it's like I had to make thedecision if this is going to be
my ending season or was it goingto be a beginning of my new
season.
And that's when I had to tellmyself to get up because, like I
(05:47):
said, you don't want to getstuck in the moments of feeling
alone and not catering to others, but you have to learn how to
start catering to yourself.
So that's what I had to learn.
How to do is to cultivate Erica, rediscover Erica.
Who is Erica outside of mom andwife.
And that was the moment justcoming home and actually just
(06:07):
sitting in my living room andjust saying, yeah, this is it.
Am I going to let this be myend, all be all, or am I going
to pick myself up and make thismy new beginning?
So that was my redefiningmoment is really coming home and
having that pep talk to myselfLike you've done your job, now
it's time to get back to workingon you.
Dr. Brooks (06:26):
That is so true because sometimes, as women, we
confuse our roles as who we areLike.
We really think that our roles,that we play, is our identity,
and Christ did not create us inour roles first.
That's why it says he createdmale and then female, and then
everything else is added to us,based on our journey in our life
.
So I'm so glad that you saidthat you had to identify who you
(06:49):
were as a woman.
So you often speak abouthelping women rediscover their
identity in Christ.
Was there a defining moment inyour journey where that truth
became real and personal for you?
Erica Tatum (07:03):
Yes, ma'am, I don't know this empty nester
season boy.
I tell you it brings light.
But no, during that time too, Ithink a lot of times as women.
I can only speak for womenbecause I'm a woman right, we
navigate, we move off of basedupon what people call us, what
(07:23):
others expect us to do.
You know what you have to do X,y and Z in order to be
successful.
You have to go to school.
To be successful, you need thistype of paying job to start
over.
So many people, from parentingon up those you dated, your
friendships.
They also gave you these titlesand these expectations to
pretty much cultivate youridentity as to what they assume
(07:44):
you should be.
But I had to dial back.
I had to one forgive myself,because there were some things
that I used to tell myself andcall myself that wasn't true,
that I used to tell myself andcall myself that wasn't true.
And during that rediscoverymoment, that's when I got closer
to God, because God draws nearto the brokenhearted right.
Even in that moment, not sayinglosing our kids that way, but
(08:07):
losing that part of us, that's agrief moment too.
Grief is not just about death.
It's about losing somethingthat is in close proximity of
you.
So in that moment I had to diveback into God and get closer to
him.
And once I got in his word moreand really truly understood how
he created me and who hecreated me to be understanding
(08:29):
who I was called to, beunderstanding what my gifts and
my talents are, that is what Istood on.
And once I found that and putthat in my heart and my soul,
everything else didn't matter Ifit was outside the will of God.
I did not take heed to it.
So I would say to the women outthere who need to rediscover
themselves first you got to takeit back to God.
(08:50):
You have to have conversations,you have to have private
moments with God for him to talkto you, for him to remind you
what his word says.
And I know for sure, once weget that in our heart and our
soul, we are going to walk moreboldly.
We're going to walk with ourheads up, our shoulders back,
and be confident in what we sayand what we do, because God said
(09:11):
exactly what he said.
I am.
Dr. Brooks (09:13):
Yes, when you find out who you are in Christ and
when you find out those gifts,those talents, those spaces that
God wants you to flow in.
Life is not easier becausewe're going to go through trials
and tribulations, but you willbe less confused.
No one can tell you're supposedto be doing A, b or C, because
you have already got theconfirmation through God.
(09:34):
This is what you're supposed tobe doing.
This is the space that you'resupposed to be in.
Because what I noticedsometimes when it comes to women
is that we go with whatever thecoach say, whatever the pastor
say, like whatever the next bestthing is, if we don't
understand who we are and whatit is that we're supposed to do.
(09:54):
You can be great at a lot ofthings, but what are you after?
Right, because we can be goodat so many things.
But just because you're good atsomething doesn't mean that's
the thing that you're supposedto be doing.
So I like the fact that yousaid you prayed, you got quiet
and you listened and reallysought God after the things that
you were supposed to be doing.
(10:15):
So that is awesome.
So when it comes to, you knowyour babies are gone and now
you're rediscovering who Ericais how are you able to come in
agreement with that?
Erica Tatum (10:32):
Oh, that's a heavy question.
With that, that's a heavyquestion, I have to say.
First off, my anchor is myfaith and my prayer life.
So to come in agreement withthat, it takes prayer, and
prayer builds your faith.
God's word builds your faithfrom level to level right.
So, as I continue to pray, Ijournal a lot.
(10:53):
Let me say that.
Let me say that I journal, Iwrite things down, write the
vision, make it plain.
And also, you have to becareful who you surround
yourself with.
In that season, as you'rerediscovering yourself, you
can't have the negative peoplearound you that keeps yapping
and remind you, trying to remindyou of who you're not.
You have to be around peoplewho are going to pour into you,
(11:16):
who are going to cultivate you,and that's what I did.
I surrounded myself by peoplewho was going to cultivate me in
this season, who was going tospeak the same language that
God's word spoke.
If you weren't speaking the samelanguage as what I know God's
word says, then we have toreevaluate our connection.
That's what I have to do, andit's also celebrating each step.
(11:38):
I think we forget about eachstep that we take.
We have to celebrate that.
We have to celebrate the factthat, hey, I got up and told
myself you know what You'regorgeous.
You are fearfully andwonderfully made.
That might be hard at firstbecause we don't believe it yet,
but the more you say it, themore you read it in God's word,
you start believing it, and thathelps build your faith.
(11:59):
So that is actually what I did.
I had to cultivate that byprayer.
My faith was anchored in hisword, and that's how I did it.
Dr. Brooks (12:07):
Yes, celebrating at every step is so important,
because what I recognize is thatwhen we have these long-term
goals, if we don't celebratealong the way, we'll forget the
destination and then we'll losehope.
This is taking forever.
Why does it take so long?
It's like I'm not accomplishinganything, not recognizing that
(12:29):
every time you touch that thingor every time you take a step
forward, that's to be celebrated, right?
Because there are so manypeople that don't go through
with achieving their goals, andso I'm so glad that you said you
have to celebrate yourself.
That's so important.
And another thing that you saidthat stood out to me was if the
person comes in your life andthey're not speaking the word of
(12:50):
God, then you're not listeningto it.
It is so important to know theword of God for yourself,
because if you don't know theword of God for yourself, people
can manipulate scripture,people can take scripture out of
context, and so that's why it'sso important.
I'm glad that you said studyand pray, study and pray,
because that is, oh my God, thatis so important.
(13:13):
So you recently worked on aproject.
Yes, I'm so excited about thisproject.
So you recently worked on aproject, and in your writing,
you talk about creating safespaces for healing and spiritual
growth.
What does that particularlylook like in a day-to-day life
and how can we begin tocultivate that kind of
environment in our homes and ourcommunities and our
relationships and our workplaces?
And how can we begin tocultivate that kind of
environment in our homes and ourcommunities and our
(13:36):
relationships and our workplaces?
Just how can we cultivate that?
Erica Tatum (13:40):
Yep, great question.
Safe space for me is less thanthe physical part, right, it's
actually about the posture ofyour heart.
So it's the heart posture, soit's actually showing up for
people authentically.
And it took me a long time toget to the authentic part
because, again, I was trying toplay the role other people
wanted, versus what God's wordsaid.
(14:01):
Day to day, it's pretty muchwhen you are in the position of
with your family.
If you're present with yourfamily, are you fully present or
are you like I'm here, y'all,but hold on, I gotta check this
email.
I gotta check this email.
So that's what a safe space isfor me is the heart posture is
being fully present.
(14:21):
And a lot of times that safespace too is for just people
just to come talk to you and youjust have to listen, but you're
listening and you're notjudging.
And I think that's where a lotof us lose the safe space.
Part is because we're quick torespond and then also start
judging, and that pretty muchtakes away the whole safe space.
I don't feel comfortable comingto you because I know you're
(14:44):
going to judge type of feeling.
So it's all about the heartposture.
It's all about less talking andmore listening, but also being
honest.
You have to be honest.
Sometimes people don't want tohear honesty, but sometimes they
need it in order for them tofeel that you know what.
I feel that I can come to Ericaand I can talk because one
she's going to be honest, she'sgoing to be herself authentic
(15:06):
and she's going to listen.
I'm going to listen before Irespond.
Dr. Brooks (15:11):
That is so good.
What advice can you give to theperson that's listening and
they're struggling with beingtheir authentic selves?
Erica Tatum (15:20):
Listen, you're looking at someone who used to
struggle with that.
So I would say to thatindividual is, when you have to
find out, you have to peel backthe layers.
Peel back the layers.
Like I said before.
Number one forgive yourself.
That means forgive everythingthat you told yourself that you
couldn't do and that you was.
And once you get in God's wordand know what he said, that's
(15:42):
how you can be your authenticself, that's how you can be your
bold self, that's how you cancome out and be more, you can be
stronger, you can be moreconfident.
That's why I say get into God'sword and be still and be silent
.
Life will life, life will move.
Life is a globe, is a circle,but you have to find your space
to be still.
(16:03):
And when you be still and youpeel back those layers, that's
how you can be your authenticself.
Dr. Brooks (16:10):
That is so good, and so you, just recently, you
wrote your book.
That is so good, and so you,just recently, you wrote your
book.
Can you talk about what madeyou write the book and what made
you decide how much yourselfdid you want to share in your
book?
Erica Tatum (16:23):
Yeah.
So my book is entitled NewBeginnings.
This is a new beginning chapterof myself.
So with that, the Lord hasspoke to me and said you know
what?
You're not the only one.
I need you to write, be honestand tell the truth.
So I wrote this book of tellinga little bit about my story
because oftentimes women feelthat the other, the next woman
(16:44):
next to them, is not goingthrough what they're going
through.
They haven't been where theyare at now because we put this
facade on a strong mask.
Now everything is fine,Everything is fine in life, but
then we're never honest.
So this book was actually builtoff of my season, my journey,
(17:06):
what I had to do to become thebutterfly, no point in it.
The butterfly, understandingwhat those stages of the
butterfly is and relating thatto my life and my journey.
Stages of the butterfly is andrelating that to my life and my
journey.
I create this, building it offof biblical foundation,
scriptures, giving people spaceto write their thoughts, because
I love the journal, and alsotelling my story to let people
know that they're not alone.
Dr. Brooks (17:29):
That is so good.
So, when it comes to your book,where can they actually
purchase your book from?
And I'm going to put the titleup there for them, but can you
tell them where they canpurchase your book from?
Erica Tatum (17:40):
Yes, you can purchase the book off of Amazon
at this moment.
It's called New BeginningsAdjoining Towards Healing,
Wholeness and Faith.
There is a hardcover book andalso there is a Kindle version
of it as well, so that isavailable on Amazon for you to
purchase.
Dr. Brooks (17:57):
So make sure that, if you are listening, make sure
that you guys go and check outher book, because one thing that
I know as an author when youwrite a book, you have to put
yourself in a vulnerable space,because at this point, you are
not only showcasing your writingskills, but you're giving
people insight into how youthink about a particular topic,
(18:18):
insight about how you conqueredor went through things, and so
being an author is somethingthat is beautiful, but at the
same time, they're going to getto see this side of me, and so
you definitely have to betransparent and authentic when
you become an author.
So again, congratulations to youon writing your book and
(18:39):
publishing your book.
That is a huge milestone.
So, when it comes to as thispodcast is all about balancing
business, faith and family, sowhen it comes to balancing faith
, family and business, that canbe challenging.
I've been doing this for quitea while.
So, when it comes to that, howdo you navigate this in your own
life and what strategies orpractices have been instrumental
(19:01):
for you maintaining thatbalance?
Erica Tatum (19:04):
Yes.
So balance, we know that's noteasy, if I'll be honest, right.
So balance isn't about keeping.
I use the analogies of plates,right, you juggle different
plates and how you spin them.
It doesn't have to be doneperfectly.
My focus is actually justfocusing on which plate I need
to handle in that moment.
And going back to my faith is myfoundation.
(19:26):
I start with morning prayer.
I ask God what it is that heneeds me to do for his people
and in the kingdom, before Itouch anything else, and that
centers me.
I think a lot of times we missthat morning.
When we get up, we want to goto phone, social media, but we
have to get centered and that'swith speaking with God himself
and with my family.
(19:46):
When you I'm going to go backwhen you go to the space and the
place, we have to understandyes, we have so many titles
we're a mom, we're a daughter,we're a sister, we're an auntie
but which plate needs the mostattention that day?
And knowing that it's okay, wehave to give ourselves grace and
I think, as mothers and wives,we forget about the part about
(20:07):
giving ourselves grace.
We're not going to be perfectand I had to learn that
perfection was not.
It's okay not to be perfect ineverything, but as long as I
don't keep that plate that Ineed to touch on the ground too
long, I go back and pick it up,I'm fine.
So learning the balance of lifeis really being centered in God
(20:27):
and speaking with him first.
Also, blocking off time.
My sacred time with God in themorning, in the evening,
afternoon, is my time.
I set boundaries for that andboundaries are non-negotiable.
Rather it's with your spirituallife, Rather it's with your
business.
Non-negotiable moments withthose boundaries, and there's no
(20:49):
switching them based on howpeople need it.
So setting boundaries andmaking sure that you keep those.
Dr. Brooks (20:54):
Listen, I'm so glad you brought up the word
boundaries, because I am seeinga lot of coaching coaching like
reels and people are talkingabout you don't need boundaries,
you just lack discipline.
And they're trying to say thatboundaries are in place for
people that lack discipline.
And that is so not true when itcomes to boundaries, because
boundaries are necessary,especially when you are trying
(21:16):
to cultivate relationships,nurture relationships, and if
you are constantly supposed tobe doing your prayer or your
Bible study and every time youhear that ding on your phone,
you're answering it or you'redistracted, you will not get to
that place where you want to bewith your relationship, whether
it be your partner or anyone.
And so I'm so glad that youtalked about boundaries, because
every time I see one of thosevideos, I'm like no, why are you
(21:39):
so important?
Yeah, boundaries are necessary.
They do not mean that you lackdiscipline.
It simply means that you havethings in place and that you are
taking that time out foryourself.
You're telling people how totreat you.
I used to love when my grandmaused to say you teach people how
to treat you.
Yep, absolutely, and boundariesdefinitely teach people how to
(22:00):
treat you.
So if you are a person thatconstantly find yourself
overexerting yourself, you don'thave boundaries.
If you are a person that youconstantly find yourself your
calendar is busy but all of thatstuff is for other people,
you're lacking boundaries.
You have to take time foryourself and you have to take
time for yourself.
So I'm so glad that you broughtthat up.
(22:21):
And so, when it comes to yourday-to-day, when it comes to how
, like the things that you doday-to-day you mentioned that
you're going to pray, you'regoing to study what else can
people do?
Because that's that spiritualpart.
But what can people do if theyfind themselves transitioning
(22:43):
into another part of their life?
What are some of those physicalthings that they can do to make
sure that they stay encouraged,that they can do to make sure
that they stay encouraged tomake sure that they love on
themselves.
Erica Tatum (22:53):
Yes, so one of the things I can say is go back to
what you used to love before youbecame a mom, before you became
a wife.
What did you enjoy doing?
Were you someone who enjoyedwalking?
Are you someone who loved tosit by the water?
Find those things that youenjoyed doing and revisit those
hobbies, even create new ones.
(23:14):
I'm still working on finding my,creating my new hobbies, but
find what works for you and thatis your sacred moment for you,
and that what that does when yougo on your walk is giving you
time to think, is giving youtime to pray, is giving you time
to let loose of everything elseand you are focused on you,
your health, your spirit, yourspiritual, your body movement.
(23:37):
You're getting all of that inthat moment.
So find something for you.
If you have to take the longway home from work one time,
that's okay.
If it takes you 15 minutes, youneed to add another 15 minutes
on there, that's fine.
Put on your favorite music andjust have that moment for
yourself.
Me personally, when I, when mykids were home, I used to come
(23:57):
home, pull up in the drivewayand just sit in my car for five,
10 minutes because I had toprocess and reset my mind from
work.
Ok, I have to go in and be mom,but I need a few moments to
myself and that is okay.
I think we forget that it's notbeing selfish.
You have to make sure thatyourself is full before you can
(24:17):
pour into anyone else family orfriends you have to make sure
that you are full, 100%.
Dr. Brooks (24:23):
Thank you for saying that it's not selfish,
because I know throughconversations with other moms
they feel so bad if they go inthe bathroom and shut the door.
They feel so bad if they go toa restaurant and sit in the car
and eat without sharing it withtheir kids, like they feel so
terrible if they have a showerby themselves.
And so I've been so glad thatyou just freed somebody when you
(24:46):
said it's not selfish.
You literally freed someonewhen you said it's not selfish.
You literally freed someoneBecause unfortunately for the
moms, we forget that we were awoman first, like we forget that
we had a life before ourchildren.
And so I'm so glad that yousaid that it is not selfish,
because I recently, like when mydaughter went to college this
(25:09):
is her second year, so today shejust started her sophomore year
it was a couple of years that Istopped running.
I love running and I justrecently got back into running.
I would run four to five, Iwould go to the gym at 430 in
the morning and then I would runthree or four miles a day, and
I stopped for about two yearsand it was almost probably about
(25:31):
a couple of months ago.
I was like you know what I amgetting back into, what I love,
because what I noticed was I wasbeginning to resent those that
I was caring for, because I feltlike they were doing all the
things that they like, they wereenjoying all the things that
they love, and I wasn't.
And I had to go back and saywhat is it that brought me joy?
(25:52):
And it was running.
When I run, that's when I'm soclose to God, like I'm literally
just praying and running andjust watching nature, like when
was the last time you actuallysaw a butterfly laying on a
flower?
When is the last time you sawthe tree blow the, the wind blow
the trees?
And those are the things that Ienjoy when I run outdoors,
because I don't do treadmills, Ido outdoor running.
(26:15):
And I was just able to get backto that and I find myself so
much happier and with so muchjoy because I carved out that
time for myself.
So it is so important, ladies.
And if you're listening to carveout time for yourself.
That's important, so I'm gladyou said it.
It is.
Erica Tatum (26:32):
And you just mentioned something too.
Dr. Brooks (26:33):
I am so glad that you shared that.
Erica Tatum (26:36):
Absolutely.
And you mentioned something,too, that you felt you was
resenting.
You felt resentful to peopleyou were caring for.
I think we don't pay attentionto those moments, right, we just
think, oh, they just get on mynerves this day.
No, if it's consistently, youneed to find space for you.
That means you're empty.
At that point, go back and findwhat brings you joy, what makes
(26:58):
you happy, so you can be filledup.
Dr. Brooks (27:06):
Yes, I was showing, I was noticing my heart was
changing and I wasn'tembarrassed to admit it.
I would tell people I ammiserable, yes, I am miserable.
I would tell people I ammiserable, yes, I am miserable,
and I would see the judgment.
I did not care.
Erica Tatum (27:15):
Because I have to be honest with you.
Dr. Brooks (27:17):
People would tell me oh, it's such an honor to be
able to care for your parent.
An honor for who exactly?
Who is it exactly an honor for?
Because I just feel like mylife has stopped and everybody
is going ahead without me and Iwould notice that when I was
honest about it, people wouldhave that judgmental view.
And one thing about me I'mconfident enough to not care.
(27:37):
So that's why I'm so glad youalso mentioned safe spaces,
because I should be able totrust you enough.
If you are in my circle, Ishould be able to trust you
enough to be vulnerable with you, trust you enough to speak my
heart, because I might as wellsay it, because I'm thinking it
and I'm feeling it.
So I might as well just have aconversation about it, and so
(27:57):
I'm so glad that you talkedabout safe spaces, because I
didn't have that with everyoneand best believe I readjusted
those relationships.
Erica Tatum (28:06):
That part and it's okay to readjust your
relationship, your circle offriends you have now.
They're not going to be withyou in every season of your life
, because what we grow just liketrees when they grow leaves
fall off.
New ones come on.
It is okay.
So you have to get out thatmindset of, oh, I tell my friend
I'm going through this, orpeople around me that I'm honest
(28:28):
, they're gonna, they're notgonna, be my friend.
No, bingo, they weren't yourfriend for real, if you can't be
honest with them and I thinkbecause we are, it's just
culture and how we were broughtup that we have to be strong.
You can't tell everybody how youfeel, and that is something
that I had to carry with me foryears.
But I said hold up.
This is not healthy for me notto tell you.
(28:48):
You know what I'm not feelingtoday.
I'm at my capacity.
This is how I'm feeling.
It's okay to be honest abouthow you feel because if you hold
it in, you're going to eat yourinsides up and you're not going
to be fully who you need to be.
Dr. Brooks (29:04):
You have to find that safe space.
That is so true.
And so what can you say topeople that are listening that
may say I don't really want tostart new relationships?
Or I don't really, I just wantto try to mend these
relationships because there areso many people at a certain age
they just feel like they don'twant to make new friends.
So what kind of advice can yougive to people that are not open
(29:25):
to new relationships?
Yep.
Erica Tatum (29:28):
So new is good, new is necessary.
Just look at it like an oldpair of shoes.
If you wear a size 11, you'renot going to try to put on a
size eight.
You need a new pair of shoes.
So it's okay to try new thingsout.
That means for me.
What I hear is people like to beisolated.
They don't like to get out,they just want to.
(29:49):
Just, I'm just comfortable.
You can't be comfortable inyour growth, in your personal
growth.
Being comfortable means you arejust content where you're at.
It is what it is, and a lot ofpeople are scared to stretch
themselves.
To make new people, new friends,you have to stretch yourself
how you have to talk to people,have to stretch yourself how you
(30:14):
got to talk to people.
You have to go new places.
So be okay with stretchingyourself.
Part of being stretched, whichis like when you work out, just
like when you was running youwent back, you had to stretch
them legs before you just jumpedback into it.
It's okay Now look at you,you're taking off, but you have
to be comfortable withstretching yourself and that's a
part of growth.
So what I can say is feel eachfeel of your growth journey and
(30:35):
be okay to meet people who's new.
Be okay if the relationship isnot how it is.
To say, okay, we need to takethis a different route or you're
not a part of my season anymore.
Be okay with that.
But to get to that point, youhave to be okay with yourself.
You have to understand who youare.
That's what I can say.
(30:57):
Do be okay with the stretchingof your growth, because it's not
easy, I'll be honest.
It's not easy.
But give yourself grace.
Celebrate each stretch, eachwalk, each step.
Celebrate that and once youbecome confident of who you are,
you'll be confident to say tothat person you know what?
It was good, but now we'regoing different directions at
this point.
Dr. Brooks (31:18):
Yes, that is so true.
And then I also want to saythis I want to add to that Every
time a relationship endsdoesn't mean that it ends in
conflict.
It doesn't mean that it endswith hard feelings or ill will.
Sometimes it's just that weoutgrow each other and we go our
separate ways, and so I justdon't.
I think that's why sometimespeople stay in relationships
(31:40):
that are no longer beneficial tothem, because they don't want
to have the other person feellike they're mad at them or they
don't want to think it's goingto be conflict.
But if you are mature and theother person is mature, you can
literally end a relationship andthere'll be no animosity,
there'll be no ill will and youguys are just agreeing to go
(32:00):
your separate ways and you canstill hi how you doing or check
in on each other, but it's notclose like it once was.
So I just wanted to put thatout there, because sometimes,
especially as Christians, wehave sometimes feel like we
can't end relationships becausethat's not the godly thing to do
.
So you can love someone and notbe in relationship with them.
(32:21):
To me it's a love right.
Yes.
Erica Tatum (32:24):
Yes, and one of the questions I had to ask
myself, looking at friendshiprelationships, how is this
developing me?
Oh, that's good.
How is this developing me?
Oh, that's good.
How is this relationshipcultivating me, developing me?
Are you the one doing all thepouring or is it reciprocal?
That's a very hefty question Ihad to ask to reevaluate my
friendships and a lot of peopleI used to talk to.
(32:44):
It's just more like the casualhow you doing, send a text every
now and then, but it's not asclose as it used to be because
the cultivation was no longerthere.
It was no development.
I didn't feel it.
Dr. Brooks (32:55):
That is so good.
I think we should periodicallydo that with relationships.
You want to make sure it's notone-sided.
Are you always the one calling?
Are you always the one planning?
Are you always the one reachingout?
So if you stop doing that,where would that relationship go
reaching out?
So if you stop doing that,where would that relationship go
?
And so, yeah, it's definitelygood to evaluate periodically
your relationships, and so youhave said so many good things
(33:18):
during this conversation, sowhat is something that you would
leave the audience with when itcomes to just identifying who
they are and to nurture that?
Erica Tatum (33:32):
Great question.
The one thing I will leave withthe audience is know if you get
up every single day with breathin your lungs, that means you
still have a purpose on earth.
One thing I've started to tellmyself and say is that you were
made on purpose for a purpose.
Find out what that purpose is,identify that, cultivate it,
(33:53):
nurture it and be confident init, because you were made for a
purpose on purpose.
Dr. Brooks (33:58):
Yeah, that is so true, and it doesn't matter how
old you are.
It is never too late to findout what your purpose is.
It is never too late to walkthis thing out with Christ.
And so again, erica, thank youso much for joining us.
When I release this episode, Iwill make sure that I have all
of your contact information andI will make sure I have the link
for people to be able to buyyour book.
(34:22):
And then you also have ajournal.
Can you tell them about thatbefore we leave?
Erica Tatum (34:26):
Yes, the journal is also available on Amazon and
it is an empty nester journalwith a lot of journal props in
it, just to ask heavy questionswhen we're in the empty nesting
stage.
So that is also available onAmazon.
Is finding yourself after theyfly?
Is the title for those who areempty nesting now or who are
(34:48):
about to get into that emptynesting season those who are
empty nesting now or who areabout to get into that empty
nesting season.
Dr. Brooks (34:56):
Listen, I'm so glad that you focused on empty
nesting because I'm telling youthat when my daughter went to
college, that was almost likewhen I turned 40, I was like,
wait a minute, like I'm nolonger 30.
Now I'm in my forties.
Things are changing, things aredifferent.
No one prepared me for my forts.
That's a whole differentepisode.
I'm so glad that you walkpeople through becoming an empty
(35:18):
nester because, statistically,a lot of people divorce.
When their children go on, theyare no longer in relationship,
they've outgrown each other.
They really don't know eachother, and so I'm so glad that
you talk about being an emptynester, because there are not a
lot of people that talk aboutthis topic and then when people
that part, it's like a brickwall.
(35:39):
Oh my God, what do I do now?
Erica Tatum (35:41):
Yes, I had to call my mom.
I said, mama is no way.
You just went through thisseason Like it was a breeze.
Oh, I was fine.
No way, no.
But it's like we weren't toldhonestly what Empty Nests was
going to be about.
Some people say, oh, you'regoing to party, but no one told
us about the emotional side.
Dr. Brooks (36:00):
Yeah, it's definitely an emotional side.
So make sure you follow her andmake sure that you guys support
her by purchasing her book andpurchasing her journal.
Her journal is really good andso, again, I'm going to have all
that information for you.
So, thank you, erica, so muchfor tuning in with us today.
We have enjoyed you so much andit has been a pleasure.
(36:20):
So anytime you want to comeback, just let me know, and you
are more than welcome to come onthe show.
Erica Tatum (36:26):
Yes, thank you so much for having me.
Welcome to the Off Balance podcast, where faith,
family and business collide,with your host, dr Brooks Deming
, christian life coach,intercessor and entrepreneur.
Dr. Brooks (00:20):
Welcome to Off Balance, the podcast where faith
, family and business and we getreal about navigating it all
with grace and grit.
I'm your host, dr Brooks.
Today on Off Balance, we'rejoined by a voice that speaks
straight to the heart.
I have a special guest.
Her name is Erica Tatum and sheis a faith-filled writer,
speaker and encourager who likeswork.
(00:42):
It's all about helping womenrediscover their identity in
Christ.
Through honest storytelling anddevotionals rich with truth,
erica creates a safe space wherehealing begins and clarity
unfolds and spiritual growth isnurtured.
Her journey has been marked byconfronting fear, silence and
shame, and through it all, she'sfound freedom and
(01:05):
transformation in Christ.
Erica doesn't just teach from adistance.
She walks alongside the womenthat she leads, reminding each
listener that they are seen,chosen and that their story
still matters.
Off Balance, please welcome tothe show, erica Tatum Hi good
evening.
Erica Tatum (01:23):
Good evening Erica Tatum.
Hi, good evening, good eveningeveryone.
Dr Brooks, thank you so muchfor having me on your platform.
It is an honor to come up hereand speak on Off Balance Podcast
.
So I am Erica Tatum and I amsuper super excited.
Nervous at the same time too,but that's okay.
But I'm excited to come on theplatform and just talk about how
I love to empower women after Ihave been through the journey
(01:48):
of rediscovering myself outsideof my roles and my titles.
So I am an encourager, I am afaith filled woman of God and I
put God in everything first thatI do.
So it's an honor.
Thank you so much for having me.
Dr. Brooks (02:00):
No, thank you so much for joining, so you've
already told us your name.
Can you tell us a little bitabout what do you do?
Erica Tatum (02:09):
What do I do?
Wow?
Number one I am an author.
I am a published author now,and to say that it just brings
me excitement that I wasobedient to hear what God told
me to do and say to do.
I am a mother of two beautifulkids, I am a wife, I am an
encourager and I'm also a leader.
(02:29):
So that is who I am.
I am, I'm a full, I'm a ball ofenergy and just love to
encourage and motivate othersaround me.
Dr. Brooks (02:37):
That is so awesome.
So you mentioned that you are amother.
If you don't mind telling us,do you have like school age
children?
Are they adults?
How old are your children?
Erica Tatum (02:45):
They are adults, they are 18 and 21.
So I am an empty nester.
I've been an empty nester nowgoing on two years, so yes,
those are my grown adultchildren.
Dr. Brooks (02:59):
Listen, I am also an empty nester and for me and
my husband it was just a matterof dating again and putting the
marriage back to the forefront.
I wouldn't say it was on theback burner, but I would say
that we were not nurturing likewe should, just raising children
.
So can you talk about what yourexperience as an empty nester
has been like?
Erica Tatum (03:18):
Well, as an empty nester, it has been empty
nesting.
So, as an empty nester, I cantruly say that it is a point in
our life where we have to reallyface our emotions.
Right, because we are involvedin our kids' life, our kids'
school, our husbands.
Like we forget, as mothers andwives, about ourselves.
(03:38):
So, experiencing that quietmoment after the kids were gone,
after they were at theirdestination and came back home,
I have no one scheduled to abideby anymore.
It's my actual schedule.
What do I do with myself?
So that was actually the momentwhere I had to face the roller
coaster of emotions.
You'll have some happy days.
(03:58):
You'll have some days you'llcry, but it's tears of joy.
Okay, this is the moment whereyou really see your parenting,
birth Like.
You'll see the foundation thatyou laid actually being stepped
on, actually being walked on.
So it was scary at first, but Ihad to really feel the feel for
a moment, but not get stuck init.
That's the thing.
(04:19):
Don't get stuck in the field ofnot having to move on someone
else's terms, but to move onwhat's best for you and what's
best for me.
And that's what that experiencewas.
Dr. Brooks (04:30):
Yeah, not getting stuck is so important.
I can remember having a peptalk with my husband after we
dropped our daughter off.
I told him we just have totrust our parenting At this
point.
We just have to trust that allthe things that we taught her,
all the things that we haveguided her, is going to now
manifest, and so we just have totrust that we did a great job.
So I'm glad you cheered on that.
(04:52):
Can you share a defining momentor an experience from your
journey that led you to whereyou are today, particularly in
the context of overcomingadversity?
Erica Tatum (05:02):
Weak, overcoming adversity, listen.
So, as I said during thatseason, I think the light bulb
went off for me when I steppedinto internecine season, because
prior to that, I really didn'tknow who my name was, and I'm
saying that to say I didn't knowwho Erica was outside of mom,
wife, babe, mom, wife that'sfine, those are my titles and my
(05:25):
roles.
But once I stepped into emptynesting role, the moment of you
coming back home from takingyour kids there, that's like
reality all over again.
So it's like I had to make thedecision if this is going to be
my ending season or was it goingto be a beginning of my new
season.
And that's when I had to tellmyself to get up because, like I
(05:47):
said, you don't want to getstuck in the moments of feeling
alone and not catering to others, but you have to learn how to
start catering to yourself.
So that's what I had to learn.
How to do is to cultivate Erica, rediscover Erica.
Who is Erica outside of mom andwife.
And that was the moment justcoming home and actually just
(06:07):
sitting in my living room andjust saying, yeah, this is it.
Am I going to let this be myend, all be all, or am I going
to pick myself up and make thismy new beginning?
So that was my redefiningmoment is really coming home and
having that pep talk to myselfLike you've done your job, now
it's time to get back to workingon you.
Dr. Brooks (06:26):
That is so true because sometimes, as women, we
confuse our roles as who we areLike.
We really think that our roles,that we play, is our identity,
and Christ did not create us inour roles first.
That's why it says he createdmale and then female, and then
everything else is added to us,based on our journey in our life
.
So I'm so glad that you saidthat you had to identify who you
(06:49):
were as a woman.
So you often speak abouthelping women rediscover their
identity in Christ.
Was there a defining moment inyour journey where that truth
became real and personal for you?
Erica Tatum (07:03):
Yes, ma'am, I don't know this empty nester
season boy.
I tell you it brings light.
But no, during that time too, Ithink a lot of times as women.
I can only speak for womenbecause I'm a woman right, we
navigate, we move off of basedupon what people call us, what
(07:23):
others expect us to do.
You know what you have to do X,y and Z in order to be
successful.
You have to go to school.
To be successful, you need thistype of paying job to start
over.
So many people, from parentingon up those you dated, your
friendships.
They also gave you these titlesand these expectations to
pretty much cultivate youridentity as to what they assume
(07:44):
you should be.
But I had to dial back.
I had to one forgive myself,because there were some things
that I used to tell myself andcall myself that wasn't true,
that I used to tell myself andcall myself that wasn't true.
And during that rediscoverymoment, that's when I got closer
to God, because God draws nearto the brokenhearted right.
Even in that moment, not sayinglosing our kids that way, but
(08:07):
losing that part of us, that's agrief moment too.
Grief is not just about death.
It's about losing somethingthat is in close proximity of
you.
So in that moment I had to diveback into God and get closer to
him.
And once I got in his word moreand really truly understood how
he created me and who hecreated me to be understanding
(08:29):
who I was called to, beunderstanding what my gifts and
my talents are, that is what Istood on.
And once I found that and putthat in my heart and my soul,
everything else didn't matter Ifit was outside the will of God.
I did not take heed to it.
So I would say to the women outthere who need to rediscover
themselves first you got to takeit back to God.
(08:50):
You have to have conversations,you have to have private
moments with God for him to talkto you, for him to remind you
what his word says.
And I know for sure, once weget that in our heart and our
soul, we are going to walk moreboldly.
We're going to walk with ourheads up, our shoulders back,
and be confident in what we sayand what we do, because God said
(09:11):
exactly what he said.
I am.
Dr. Brooks (09:13):
Yes, when you find out who you are in Christ and
when you find out those gifts,those talents, those spaces that
God wants you to flow in.
Life is not easier becausewe're going to go through trials
and tribulations, but you willbe less confused.
No one can tell you're supposedto be doing A, b or C, because
you have already got theconfirmation through God.
(09:34):
This is what you're supposed tobe doing.
This is the space that you'resupposed to be in.
Because what I noticedsometimes when it comes to women
is that we go with whatever thecoach say, whatever the pastor
say, like whatever the next bestthing is, if we don't
understand who we are and whatit is that we're supposed to do.
(09:54):
You can be great at a lot ofthings, but what are you after?
Right, because we can be goodat so many things.
But just because you're good atsomething doesn't mean that's
the thing that you're supposedto be doing.
So I like the fact that yousaid you prayed, you got quiet
and you listened and reallysought God after the things that
you were supposed to be doing.
(10:15):
So that is awesome.
So when it comes to, you knowyour babies are gone and now
you're rediscovering who Ericais how are you able to come in
agreement with that?
Erica Tatum (10:32):
Oh, that's a heavy question.
With that, that's a heavyquestion, I have to say.
First off, my anchor is myfaith and my prayer life.
So to come in agreement withthat, it takes prayer, and
prayer builds your faith.
God's word builds your faithfrom level to level right.
So, as I continue to pray, Ijournal a lot.
(10:53):
Let me say that.
Let me say that I journal, Iwrite things down, write the
vision, make it plain.
And also, you have to becareful who you surround
yourself with.
In that season, as you'rerediscovering yourself, you
can't have the negative peoplearound you that keeps yapping
and remind you, trying to remindyou of who you're not.
You have to be around peoplewho are going to pour into you,
(11:16):
who are going to cultivate you,and that's what I did.
I surrounded myself by peoplewho was going to cultivate me in
this season, who was going tospeak the same language that
God's word spoke.
If you weren't speaking the samelanguage as what I know God's
word says, then we have toreevaluate our connection.
That's what I have to do, andit's also celebrating each step.
(11:38):
I think we forget about eachstep that we take.
We have to celebrate that.
We have to celebrate the factthat, hey, I got up and told
myself you know what You'regorgeous.
You are fearfully andwonderfully made.
That might be hard at firstbecause we don't believe it yet,
but the more you say it, themore you read it in God's word,
you start believing it, and thathelps build your faith.
(11:59):
So that is actually what I did.
I had to cultivate that byprayer.
My faith was anchored in hisword, and that's how I did it.
Dr. Brooks (12:07):
Yes, celebrating at every step is so important,
because what I recognize is thatwhen we have these long-term
goals, if we don't celebratealong the way, we'll forget the
destination and then we'll losehope.
This is taking forever.
Why does it take so long?
It's like I'm not accomplishinganything, not recognizing that
(12:29):
every time you touch that thingor every time you take a step
forward, that's to be celebrated, right?
Because there are so manypeople that don't go through
with achieving their goals, andso I'm so glad that you said you
have to celebrate yourself.
That's so important.
And another thing that you saidthat stood out to me was if the
person comes in your life andthey're not speaking the word of
(12:50):
God, then you're not listeningto it.
It is so important to know theword of God for yourself,
because if you don't know theword of God for yourself, people
can manipulate scripture,people can take scripture out of
context, and so that's why it'sso important.
I'm glad that you said studyand pray, study and pray,
because that is, oh my God, thatis so important.
(13:13):
So you recently worked on aproject.
Yes, I'm so excited about thisproject.
So you recently worked on aproject, and in your writing,
you talk about creating safespaces for healing and spiritual
growth.
What does that particularlylook like in a day-to-day life
and how can we begin tocultivate that kind of
environment in our homes and ourcommunities and our
relationships and our workplaces?
And how can we begin tocultivate that kind of
environment in our homes and ourcommunities and our
(13:36):
relationships and our workplaces?
Just how can we cultivate that?
Erica Tatum (13:40):
Yep, great question.
Safe space for me is less thanthe physical part, right, it's
actually about the posture ofyour heart.
So it's the heart posture, soit's actually showing up for
people authentically.
And it took me a long time toget to the authentic part
because, again, I was trying toplay the role other people
wanted, versus what God's wordsaid.
(14:01):
Day to day, it's pretty muchwhen you are in the position of
with your family.
If you're present with yourfamily, are you fully present or
are you like I'm here, y'all,but hold on, I gotta check this
email.
I gotta check this email.
So that's what a safe space isfor me is the heart posture is
being fully present.
(14:21):
And a lot of times that safespace too is for just people
just to come talk to you and youjust have to listen, but you're
listening and you're notjudging.
And I think that's where a lotof us lose the safe space.
Part is because we're quick torespond and then also start
judging, and that pretty muchtakes away the whole safe space.
I don't feel comfortable comingto you because I know you're
(14:44):
going to judge type of feeling.
So it's all about the heartposture.
It's all about less talking andmore listening, but also being
honest.
You have to be honest.
Sometimes people don't want tohear honesty, but sometimes they
need it in order for them tofeel that you know what.
I feel that I can come to Ericaand I can talk because one
she's going to be honest, she'sgoing to be herself authentic
(15:06):
and she's going to listen.
I'm going to listen before Irespond.
Dr. Brooks (15:11):
That is so good.
What advice can you give to theperson that's listening and
they're struggling with beingtheir authentic selves?
Erica Tatum (15:20):
Listen, you're looking at someone who used to
struggle with that.
So I would say to thatindividual is, when you have to
find out, you have to peel backthe layers.
Peel back the layers.
Like I said before.
Number one forgive yourself.
That means forgive everythingthat you told yourself that you
couldn't do and that you was.
And once you get in God's wordand know what he said, that's
(15:42):
how you can be your authenticself, that's how you can be your
bold self, that's how you cancome out and be more, you can be
stronger, you can be moreconfident.
That's why I say get into God'sword and be still and be silent
.
Life will life, life will move.
Life is a globe, is a circle,but you have to find your space
to be still.
(16:03):
And when you be still and youpeel back those layers, that's
how you can be your authenticself.
Dr. Brooks (16:10):
That is so good, and so you, just recently, you
wrote your book.
That is so good, and so you,just recently, you wrote your
book.
Can you talk about what madeyou write the book and what made
you decide how much yourselfdid you want to share in your
book?
Erica Tatum (16:23):
Yeah.
So my book is entitled NewBeginnings.
This is a new beginning chapterof myself.
So with that, the Lord hasspoke to me and said you know
what?
You're not the only one.
I need you to write, be honestand tell the truth.
So I wrote this book of tellinga little bit about my story
because oftentimes women feelthat the other, the next woman
(16:44):
next to them, is not goingthrough what they're going
through.
They haven't been where theyare at now because we put this
facade on a strong mask.
Now everything is fine,Everything is fine in life, but
then we're never honest.
So this book was actually builtoff of my season, my journey,
(17:06):
what I had to do to become thebutterfly, no point in it.
The butterfly, understandingwhat those stages of the
butterfly is and relating thatto my life and my journey.
Stages of the butterfly is andrelating that to my life and my
journey.
I create this, building it offof biblical foundation,
scriptures, giving people spaceto write their thoughts, because
I love the journal, and alsotelling my story to let people
know that they're not alone.
Dr. Brooks (17:29):
That is so good.
So, when it comes to your book,where can they actually
purchase your book from?
And I'm going to put the titleup there for them, but can you
tell them where they canpurchase your book from?
Erica Tatum (17:40):
Yes, you can purchase the book off of Amazon
at this moment.
It's called New BeginningsAdjoining Towards Healing,
Wholeness and Faith.
There is a hardcover book andalso there is a Kindle version
of it as well, so that isavailable on Amazon for you to
purchase.
Dr. Brooks (17:57):
So make sure that, if you are listening, make sure
that you guys go and check outher book, because one thing that
I know as an author when youwrite a book, you have to put
yourself in a vulnerable space,because at this point, you are
not only showcasing your writingskills, but you're giving
people insight into how youthink about a particular topic,
(18:18):
insight about how you conqueredor went through things, and so
being an author is somethingthat is beautiful, but at the
same time, they're going to getto see this side of me, and so
you definitely have to betransparent and authentic when
you become an author.
So again, congratulations to youon writing your book and
(18:39):
publishing your book.
That is a huge milestone.
So, when it comes to as thispodcast is all about balancing
business, faith and family, sowhen it comes to balancing faith
, family and business, that canbe challenging.
I've been doing this for quitea while.
So, when it comes to that, howdo you navigate this in your own
life and what strategies orpractices have been instrumental
(19:01):
for you maintaining thatbalance?
Erica Tatum (19:04):
Yes.
So balance, we know that's noteasy, if I'll be honest, right.
So balance isn't about keeping.
I use the analogies of plates,right, you juggle different
plates and how you spin them.
It doesn't have to be doneperfectly.
My focus is actually justfocusing on which plate I need
to handle in that moment.
And going back to my faith is myfoundation.
(19:26):
I start with morning prayer.
I ask God what it is that heneeds me to do for his people
and in the kingdom, before Itouch anything else, and that
centers me.
I think a lot of times we missthat morning.
When we get up, we want to goto phone, social media, but we
have to get centered and that'swith speaking with God himself
and with my family.
(19:46):
When you I'm going to go backwhen you go to the space and the
place, we have to understandyes, we have so many titles
we're a mom, we're a daughter,we're a sister, we're an auntie
but which plate needs the mostattention that day?
And knowing that it's okay, wehave to give ourselves grace and
I think, as mothers and wives,we forget about the part about
(20:07):
giving ourselves grace.
We're not going to be perfectand I had to learn that
perfection was not.
It's okay not to be perfect ineverything, but as long as I
don't keep that plate that Ineed to touch on the ground too
long, I go back and pick it up,I'm fine.
So learning the balance of lifeis really being centered in God
(20:27):
and speaking with him first.
Also, blocking off time.
My sacred time with God in themorning, in the evening,
afternoon, is my time.
I set boundaries for that andboundaries are non-negotiable.
Rather it's with your spirituallife, Rather it's with your
business.
Non-negotiable moments withthose boundaries, and there's no
(20:49):
switching them based on howpeople need it.
So setting boundaries andmaking sure that you keep those.
Dr. Brooks (20:54):
Listen, I'm so glad you brought up the word
boundaries, because I am seeinga lot of coaching coaching like
reels and people are talkingabout you don't need boundaries,
you just lack discipline.
And they're trying to say thatboundaries are in place for
people that lack discipline.
And that is so not true when itcomes to boundaries, because
boundaries are necessary,especially when you are trying
(21:16):
to cultivate relationships,nurture relationships, and if
you are constantly supposed tobe doing your prayer or your
Bible study and every time youhear that ding on your phone,
you're answering it or you'redistracted, you will not get to
that place where you want to bewith your relationship, whether
it be your partner or anyone.
And so I'm so glad that youtalked about boundaries, because
every time I see one of thosevideos, I'm like no, why are you
(21:39):
so important?
Yeah, boundaries are necessary.
They do not mean that you lackdiscipline.
It simply means that you havethings in place and that you are
taking that time out foryourself.
You're telling people how totreat you.
I used to love when my grandmaused to say you teach people how
to treat you.
Yep, absolutely, and boundariesdefinitely teach people how to
(22:00):
treat you.
So if you are a person thatconstantly find yourself
overexerting yourself, you don'thave boundaries.
If you are a person that youconstantly find yourself your
calendar is busy but all of thatstuff is for other people,
you're lacking boundaries.
You have to take time foryourself and you have to take
time for yourself.
So I'm so glad that you broughtthat up.
(22:21):
And so, when it comes to yourday-to-day, when it comes to how
, like the things that you doday-to-day you mentioned that
you're going to pray, you'regoing to study what else can
people do?
Because that's that spiritualpart.
But what can people do if theyfind themselves transitioning
(22:43):
into another part of their life?
What are some of those physicalthings that they can do to make
sure that they stay encouraged,that they can do to make sure
that they stay encouraged tomake sure that they love on
themselves.
Erica Tatum (22:53):
Yes, so one of the things I can say is go back to
what you used to love before youbecame a mom, before you became
a wife.
What did you enjoy doing?
Were you someone who enjoyedwalking?
Are you someone who loved tosit by the water?
Find those things that youenjoyed doing and revisit those
hobbies, even create new ones.
(23:14):
I'm still working on finding my,creating my new hobbies, but
find what works for you and thatis your sacred moment for you,
and that what that does when yougo on your walk is giving you
time to think, is giving youtime to pray, is giving you time
to let loose of everything elseand you are focused on you,
your health, your spirit, yourspiritual, your body movement.
(23:37):
You're getting all of that inthat moment.
So find something for you.
If you have to take the longway home from work one time,
that's okay.
If it takes you 15 minutes, youneed to add another 15 minutes
on there, that's fine.
Put on your favorite music andjust have that moment for
yourself.
Me personally, when I, when mykids were home, I used to come
(23:57):
home, pull up in the drivewayand just sit in my car for five,
10 minutes because I had toprocess and reset my mind from
work.
Ok, I have to go in and be mom,but I need a few moments to
myself and that is okay.
I think we forget that it's notbeing selfish.
You have to make sure thatyourself is full before you can
(24:17):
pour into anyone else family orfriends you have to make sure
that you are full, 100%.
Dr. Brooks (24:23):
Thank you for saying that it's not selfish,
because I know throughconversations with other moms
they feel so bad if they go inthe bathroom and shut the door.
They feel so bad if they go toa restaurant and sit in the car
and eat without sharing it withtheir kids, like they feel so
terrible if they have a showerby themselves.
And so I've been so glad thatyou just freed somebody when you
(24:46):
said it's not selfish.
You literally freed someonewhen you said it's not selfish.
You literally freed someoneBecause unfortunately for the
moms, we forget that we were awoman first, like we forget that
we had a life before ourchildren.
And so I'm so glad that yousaid that it is not selfish,
because I recently, like when mydaughter went to college this
(25:09):
is her second year, so today shejust started her sophomore year
it was a couple of years that Istopped running.
I love running and I justrecently got back into running.
I would run four to five, Iwould go to the gym at 430 in
the morning and then I would runthree or four miles a day, and
I stopped for about two yearsand it was almost probably about
(25:31):
a couple of months ago.
I was like you know what I amgetting back into, what I love,
because what I noticed was I wasbeginning to resent those that
I was caring for, because I feltlike they were doing all the
things that they like, they wereenjoying all the things that
they love, and I wasn't.
And I had to go back and saywhat is it that brought me joy?
(25:52):
And it was running.
When I run, that's when I'm soclose to God, like I'm literally
just praying and running andjust watching nature, like when
was the last time you actuallysaw a butterfly laying on a
flower?
When is the last time you sawthe tree blow the, the wind blow
the trees?
And those are the things that Ienjoy when I run outdoors,
because I don't do treadmills, Ido outdoor running.
(26:15):
And I was just able to get backto that and I find myself so
much happier and with so muchjoy because I carved out that
time for myself.
So it is so important, ladies.
And if you're listening to carveout time for yourself.
That's important, so I'm gladyou said it.
It is.
Erica Tatum (26:32):
And you just mentioned something too.
Dr. Brooks (26:33):
I am so glad that you shared that.
Erica Tatum (26:36):
Absolutely.
And you mentioned something,too, that you felt you was
resenting.
You felt resentful to peopleyou were caring for.
I think we don't pay attentionto those moments, right, we just
think, oh, they just get on mynerves this day.
No, if it's consistently, youneed to find space for you.
That means you're empty.
At that point, go back and findwhat brings you joy, what makes
(26:58):
you happy, so you can be filledup.
Dr. Brooks (27:06):
Yes, I was showing, I was noticing my heart was
changing and I wasn'tembarrassed to admit it.
I would tell people I ammiserable, yes, I am miserable.
I would tell people I ammiserable, yes, I am miserable,
and I would see the judgment.
I did not care.
Erica Tatum (27:15):
Because I have to be honest with you.
Dr. Brooks (27:17):
People would tell me oh, it's such an honor to be
able to care for your parent.
An honor for who exactly?
Who is it exactly an honor for?
Because I just feel like mylife has stopped and everybody
is going ahead without me and Iwould notice that when I was
honest about it, people wouldhave that judgmental view.
And one thing about me I'mconfident enough to not care.
(27:37):
So that's why I'm so glad youalso mentioned safe spaces,
because I should be able totrust you enough.
If you are in my circle, Ishould be able to trust you
enough to be vulnerable with you, trust you enough to speak my
heart, because I might as wellsay it, because I'm thinking it
and I'm feeling it.
So I might as well just have aconversation about it, and so
(27:57):
I'm so glad that you talkedabout safe spaces, because I
didn't have that with everyoneand best believe I readjusted
those relationships.
Erica Tatum (28:06):
That part and it's okay to readjust your
relationship, your circle offriends you have now.
They're not going to be withyou in every season of your life
, because what we grow just liketrees when they grow leaves
fall off.
New ones come on.
It is okay.
So you have to get out thatmindset of, oh, I tell my friend
I'm going through this, orpeople around me that I'm honest
(28:28):
, they're gonna, they're notgonna, be my friend.
No, bingo, they weren't yourfriend for real, if you can't be
honest with them and I thinkbecause we are, it's just
culture and how we were broughtup that we have to be strong.
You can't tell everybody how youfeel, and that is something
that I had to carry with me foryears.
But I said hold up.
This is not healthy for me notto tell you.
(28:48):
You know what I'm not feelingtoday.
I'm at my capacity.
This is how I'm feeling.
It's okay to be honest abouthow you feel because if you hold
it in, you're going to eat yourinsides up and you're not going
to be fully who you need to be.
Dr. Brooks (29:04):
You have to find that safe space.
That is so true.
And so what can you say topeople that are listening that
may say I don't really want tostart new relationships?
Or I don't really, I just wantto try to mend these
relationships because there areso many people at a certain age
they just feel like they don'twant to make new friends.
So what kind of advice can yougive to people that are not open
(29:25):
to new relationships?
Yep.
Erica Tatum (29:28):
So new is good, new is necessary.
Just look at it like an oldpair of shoes.
If you wear a size 11, you'renot going to try to put on a
size eight.
You need a new pair of shoes.
So it's okay to try new thingsout.
That means for me.
What I hear is people like to beisolated.
They don't like to get out,they just want to.
(29:49):
Just, I'm just comfortable.
You can't be comfortable inyour growth, in your personal
growth.
Being comfortable means you arejust content where you're at.
It is what it is, and a lot ofpeople are scared to stretch
themselves.
To make new people, new friends,you have to stretch yourself
how you have to talk to people,have to stretch yourself how you
(30:14):
got to talk to people.
You have to go new places.
So be okay with stretchingyourself.
Part of being stretched, whichis like when you work out, just
like when you was running youwent back, you had to stretch
them legs before you just jumpedback into it.
It's okay Now look at you,you're taking off, but you have
to be comfortable withstretching yourself and that's a
part of growth.
So what I can say is feel eachfeel of your growth journey and
(30:35):
be okay to meet people who's new.
Be okay if the relationship isnot how it is.
To say, okay, we need to takethis a different route or you're
not a part of my season anymore.
Be okay with that.
But to get to that point, youhave to be okay with yourself.
You have to understand who youare.
That's what I can say.
(30:57):
Do be okay with the stretchingof your growth, because it's not
easy, I'll be honest.
It's not easy.
But give yourself grace.
Celebrate each stretch, eachwalk, each step.
Celebrate that and once youbecome confident of who you are,
you'll be confident to say tothat person you know what?
It was good, but now we'regoing different directions at
this point.
Dr. Brooks (31:18):
Yes, that is so true.
And then I also want to saythis I want to add to that Every
time a relationship endsdoesn't mean that it ends in
conflict.
It doesn't mean that it endswith hard feelings or ill will.
Sometimes it's just that weoutgrow each other and we go our
separate ways, and so I justdon't.
I think that's why sometimespeople stay in relationships
(31:40):
that are no longer beneficial tothem, because they don't want
to have the other person feellike they're mad at them or they
don't want to think it's goingto be conflict.
But if you are mature and theother person is mature, you can
literally end a relationship andthere'll be no animosity,
there'll be no ill will and youguys are just agreeing to go
(32:00):
your separate ways and you canstill hi how you doing or check
in on each other, but it's notclose like it once was.
So I just wanted to put thatout there, because sometimes,
especially as Christians, wehave sometimes feel like we
can't end relationships becausethat's not the godly thing to do
.
So you can love someone and notbe in relationship with them.
(32:21):
To me it's a love right.
Yes.
Erica Tatum (32:24):
Yes, and one of the questions I had to ask
myself, looking at friendshiprelationships, how is this
developing me?
Oh, that's good.
How is this developing me?
Oh, that's good.
How is this relationshipcultivating me, developing me?
Are you the one doing all thepouring or is it reciprocal?
That's a very hefty question Ihad to ask to reevaluate my
friendships and a lot of peopleI used to talk to.
(32:44):
It's just more like the casualhow you doing, send a text every
now and then, but it's not asclose as it used to be because
the cultivation was no longerthere.
It was no development.
I didn't feel it.
Dr. Brooks (32:55):
That is so good.
I think we should periodicallydo that with relationships.
You want to make sure it's notone-sided.
Are you always the one calling?
Are you always the one planning?
Are you always the one reachingout?
So if you stop doing that,where would that relationship go
reaching out?
So if you stop doing that,where would that relationship go
?
And so, yeah, it's definitelygood to evaluate periodically
your relationships, and so youhave said so many good things
(33:18):
during this conversation, sowhat is something that you would
leave the audience with when itcomes to just identifying who
they are and to nurture that?
Erica Tatum (33:32):
Great question.
The one thing I will leave withthe audience is know if you get
up every single day with breathin your lungs, that means you
still have a purpose on earth.
One thing I've started to tellmyself and say is that you were
made on purpose for a purpose.
Find out what that purpose is,identify that, cultivate it,
(33:53):
nurture it and be confident init, because you were made for a
purpose on purpose.
Dr. Brooks (33:58):
Yeah, that is so true, and it doesn't matter how
old you are.
It is never too late to findout what your purpose is.
It is never too late to walkthis thing out with Christ.
And so again, erica, thank youso much for joining us.
When I release this episode, Iwill make sure that I have all
of your contact information andI will make sure I have the link
for people to be able to buyyour book.
(34:22):
And then you also have ajournal.
Can you tell them about thatbefore we leave?
Erica Tatum (34:26):
Yes, the journal is also available on Amazon and
it is an empty nester journalwith a lot of journal props in
it, just to ask heavy questionswhen we're in the empty nesting
stage.
So that is also available onAmazon.
Is finding yourself after theyfly?
Is the title for those who areempty nesting now or who are
(34:48):
about to get into that emptynesting season those who are
empty nesting now or who areabout to get into that empty
nesting season.
Dr. Brooks (34:56):
Listen, I'm so glad that you focused on empty
nesting because I'm telling youthat when my daughter went to
college, that was almost likewhen I turned 40, I was like,
wait a minute, like I'm nolonger 30.
Now I'm in my forties.
Things are changing, things aredifferent.
No one prepared me for my forts.
That's a whole differentepisode.
I'm so glad that you walkpeople through becoming an empty
(35:18):
nester because, statistically,a lot of people divorce.
When their children go on, theyare no longer in relationship,
they've outgrown each other.
They really don't know eachother, and so I'm so glad that
you talk about being an emptynester, because there are not a
lot of people that talk aboutthis topic and then when people
that part, it's like a brickwall.
(35:39):
Oh my God, what do I do now?
Erica Tatum (35:41):
Yes, I had to call my mom.
I said, mama is no way.
You just went through thisseason Like it was a breeze.
Oh, I was fine.
No way, no.
But it's like we weren't toldhonestly what Empty Nests was
going to be about.
Some people say, oh, you'regoing to party, but no one told
us about the emotional side.
Dr. Brooks (36:00):
Yeah, it's definitely an emotional side.
So make sure you follow her andmake sure that you guys support
her by purchasing her book andpurchasing her journal.
Her journal is really good andso, again, I'm going to have all
that information for you.
So, thank you, erica, so muchfor tuning in with us today.
We have enjoyed you so much andit has been a pleasure.
(36:20):
So anytime you want to comeback, just let me know, and you
are more than welcome to come onthe show.
Erica Tatum (36:26):
Yes, thank you so much for having me.
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