What invisible force keeps stopping you from reaching your goals and living your best life? The answer might surprise you.
In this eye-opening episode of Off Balance, Dr. Brooks Deming welcomes mental health expert Charlotte Jones to unpack the complex relationship between mental health and self-sabotage. With over 22 years of experience as a clinical therapist, Charlotte reveals how seemingly disconnected behaviors like procrastination, perfectionism, and people-pleasing all stem from the same root: self-sabotage.
Charlotte takes us on a profound journey through the psychology behind why we become our own worst enemies. She explains how childhood experiences shape our adult behaviors, creating unconscious patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of negative self-talk and fear-based decisions. "It all stems from childhood," Charlotte explains, highlighting how unmet emotional needs create voids we try to fill throughout our lives.
The conversation delves into practical techniques for breaking free from self-sabotaging patterns. From Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to mindfulness practices, Charlotte offers accessible strategies anyone can implement. Most powerfully, she emphasizes the importance of self-compassion: "You don't belong on a sales rack. Pay full price for me."
Beyond psychological insights, Charlotte and Dr. Brooks discuss the physical manifestations of mental health challenges—how headaches, fatigue, and other bodily symptoms often signal unprocessed emotional issues. Their discussion dismantles the stigma around therapy, reframing it as simply "an educated conversation" that can benefit everyone, not just those with diagnosed conditions.
Whether you're struggling with relationship patterns, career decisions, or simply feeling stuck, this conversation offers transformative insights to help you recognize when you're standing in your own way—and how to step aside to let yourself shine.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Intro (00:01):
Welcome to the Off Balance Podcast, where faith,
family and business collide,with your host, dr Brooks Deming
, christian life coach,intercessor and entrepreneur.
Dr. Brooks (00:18):
Hi there, I'm Dr Brooks.
Today we're diving into animportant and often overlooked
topic mental health andself-sabotage.
So many of us have goals,dreams and aspirations, yet
sometimes we find ourselvesstanding in our own way.
Whether it's due toprocrastination, negative
self-talk or fear of failure,self-sabotage can keep us stuck
(00:40):
and hinder our progress in life.
But what do we do about it?
What's the connection betweenour mental health and these
self-defeating behaviors and,more importantly, how can we
break the cycle?
To help us unpack this topic, myguest today is Charlotte Jones.
Charlotte is a dedicated andaccomplished mental health
(01:00):
professional with over 22 yearsof experience in the field.
Charlotte is the executivedirector and lead clinical
therapist at Cultivating MindsCounseling Group.
Charlotte has a passion forhelping others thrive, and she
will shed light on the rootcauses of self-sabotage, how it
impacts our mental health, andshare practical tools to help us
(01:20):
overcome it.
So go ahead, grab your notebook, settle in and let's explore
how to move past self-sabotageand into the life we were meant
to live.
So please help me.
Welcome, ms Charlotte Jones.
Thank you.
Hi Charlotte.
Thank you so much for joiningme today.
I am so excited to have you.
(01:42):
How are you doing today?
Charlotte (01:44):
I am excited to be here and I'm blessed, I won't
complain.
Dr. Brooks (01:49):
Okay, so could you just let people know a little
bit about yourself and what itis that you actually do?
Charlotte (01:56):
Okay, my name is Charlotte Jones.
Of course, I am a clinicaltherapist.
I've been in the mental healthfield for over 22 years.
First started off with kidsadolescence and worked my way
all the way up my what can I sayabout that?
My weak area is working withkids.
So I had to get away from thereBecause I was bringing that
(02:18):
work home with me and that isnot a good thing.
So I do work with adults now.
I did work in geriatrics before, but you know how you feel like
they're elderly and you got to.
I could not.
That was another one.
I felt so bad.
So I do enjoy working withadults.
I work in one of the largestpsych hospitals in the state of
(02:40):
Alabama since the downsizing ofBryce.
So yeah, that's about it for us, with me.
Dr. Brooks (02:46):
Listen, you do a lot in the community, so again,
welcome.
I'm so excited about this topicbecause I think a lot of the
times when we find ourselvesstuck or when we find ourselves
constantly beating ourselves up,we have no idea that that is
attached to our mental healthand how we see ourselves, and so
I think that this conversationis going to be really important.
(03:08):
So, as we dive in, can you justtell us what are some common
mental health challenges thatcan lead to self-sabotaging
behaviors?
Charlotte (03:17):
Oh, some common challenges be like in
relationships.
If you got some failingrelationships, just look back.
Even with friendships, how manyfriends have you went through
and how long did you keep thesefriends Work, even working how
many jobs have you went through?
Fear of success most of thetime is a problem.
(03:38):
Perfectionism, procrastinationthose are some things that we
don't even realize.
That plays a part inself-sabotage.
Dr. Brooks (03:47):
Listen, I am so glad you brought up
relationships because I don'tthink we even consider
relationships when it comes toself-sabotaging.
But it can interfere in ourrelationship, especially if we
don't trust people or maybe inthe past people have done things
to us, or even if we don't knowhow to be in a relationship.
(04:07):
Unfortunately for a lot ofadults, they lack communication
skills.
So a lot of the times whenwe're in these relationships and
then if we're unconsciouslytelling ourselves that it's not
going to work or I can't trustthem, then I can definitely see
how self-sabotaging can play arole.
So thankful that you saidrelationships, because I
(04:28):
personally wouldn't have thoughtabout those external
relationships.
I most of the time think aboutit when you're talking about
yourself and you're dealing withprocrastination, or if you have
that negative self-talk or evenif you have a fear of failure
or success, but I didn't reallylook at it in the workplace or
in those personal relationships.
(04:48):
So yeah, that can be damning.
So thank you for bringing thatup.
We're talking about mentalhealth and self-sabotage.
How can someone recognize whentheir actions are driven by
self-sabotage rather thanexternal circumstances?
Charlotte (05:04):
Okay when you are constantly having that negative
self-talk to yourself you're notworth it.
That negative self-talk,negative thoughts,
procrastination.
If you've got a project orsomething to do at work and
you've got a deadline and youjust you go procrastinate and
prolong it out becauseunconsciously you got that fear
(05:27):
of failure, then you'll be inthat cycle.
Once you see that you cannotcomplete that project.
Or if you don't complete thatproject because this is in your
mind, if you don't complete thatproject, you're going to feel
like, see, I am worthless, I ama failure, I can't even fulfill
my duties on my job.
And then that's going to leadto other things, especially if
(05:49):
you already have a history of asubstance abuse.
I might as well go drink this, Imight as well go ahead and
smoke this, shoot this up,because I'm already a failure.
So many people have called me afailure, so that's what I am.
And then that, for a shortperiod of time, when that high
comes down, that's gonna be theshame, the guilt.
(06:10):
Then, guess what?
We got the cycle all over again.
Oh, wow, so wow that is veryinteresting.
Dr. Brooks (06:19):
What makes you think that we automatically go
to a negative self-talk?
Charlotte (06:25):
It stems from.
I like to go back throughchildhood whenever I do a
session and most of the time,99.9% of the time, it is
stemming from childhood, whetherit's a parent that maybe has
some substance problems, alcoholincluded and maybe left the
child where older sibling had tocare for the child, had to care
(06:47):
for that child, and then, ontop of that cooking, they had to
cook, and it's still a child inthe house.
So that nurturing is not there.
That nurturing, that love, thataffection See, that's what a
lot of people don't realize howmental health works.
You are in your mother's wombfor nine months or ten, however
(07:07):
you want to put it, but you'rethere, so that forms an
attachment.
Then when she has a child, shehas a child and then she's still
going out, doing whatever shewants to do, not nurturing that
child, not giving that childthat love, that affection, that
touch that is very important too.
Not giving each other that love, that affectionate touch that
is very important too.
So when that does not happenand you got the big sister or
(07:29):
the big brother over herecooking, getting you off to
school, trying to get yourclothes ready for school, no
adult supervision, that's goingto cause havoc in that person's
life.
Because then that's when we'restuck in a relationship, through
many relationships, looking forlove in all the wrong places
(07:49):
Because there's a void therethat needs to be filled.
Unconsciously you're trying tofill that void.
But that's that little girl,that inner child, seeking and
need that validation.
And they do anything to get it,unconsciously, not just go out.
I'm looking for validation.
No, do anything to get it.
Unconsciously, not just go out.
I'm looking for validation.
No, but just through thatrelationship.
But it all stemmed from back,as a child coming up.
(08:11):
We didn't have that.
And then that's when peoplebecome that, yes, person, people
please, things like that.
But you know why?
The thing is they do that tokeep people around because my
mother wasn't around, my fatherwasn't around.
They're not just thinking, it'sjust in the conscious mind and
unconsciously they would do that.
(08:32):
People pleasing, the platecould be full.
They would still take on thosetasks trying to help this person
, do this with that personwhatever.
Nor they could be down tiredfrom work.
But hey, somebody kind of saywould you keep the children?
Yes, I will.
You already about to fall overasleep, but just to keep that
(08:52):
person around, just to keep afriend you will say yes to
everything, just a peoplepleaser.
Now you see how all of thatintertwines.
Dr. Brooks (09:02):
Wow.
And people pleasing is not good, because sometimes too, people
please so that they don't haveto face their own situations,
their own growth, their owndevelopment.
So sometimes people keepthemselves busy with other
people's business so that theydon't have to face reality.
Charlotte (09:18):
That is exactly right and exactly true.
Yeah, I'd rather divert myattention over here to you and
see to your needs, but deep downinside I know I got some needs
that need to be filled as well,but I don't want to focus on
that because it's hard for me tofocus on that.
See, it goes back to that childhurt, pain, sad, ashamed and
(09:42):
that's why we got to be familiarwith our emotions as well.
So it goes back to that.
And guess what?
I don't want to even go backthrough that, so I just focus on
you and do whatever you do.
That is so good.
Dr. Brooks (09:55):
So when you work with a client, what techniques
would you use?
Because sometimes, if weexperience something in
childhood, we suppress it to thepoint to where it's no longer a
reality for us, and so it'shard sometimes to face that.
So what techniques would youeven use in a therapy session to
(10:15):
help someone realize that theirchildhood is playing a role in
how they behave today?
Charlotte (10:21):
Well, that is a good question.
So the technique I would use iscognitive, and it's my
theoretical orientation as well.
It's cognitive behavior therapy.
Some people know it as CBT, butit's the cognitive behavior
therapy and it's restructuringyour thought patterns,
restructuring your.
What are you telling yourself?
Now let's replace it with this.
(10:43):
But once again, when you startCBT, we need to go all the way
back to childhood at that timeand then bring you up to the age
you are today.
So I want to hear from thechild, not the adult sitting in
front of me.
I want to hear from that childbecause that's who's hurting,
that's who's hurting, that'swho's sabotaging.
(11:05):
But the adult don't want toface the pain over again.
So they just stuff all thoseemotions inside and that's how
the cycle once again continuesto repeat itself.
Dr. Brooks (11:18):
Yeah, that's not good, and there are so many
people that have.
They have a thought of therapyas if therapy is weak, or if I
go to therapy I'm weak, or if Igo to therapy then that means
that I can no longer, maybe,think for myself.
So what do you say for peoplethat have this negative
connotation around therapy?
Charlotte (11:42):
Oh, that is just one of my things on my platform to
break that negative stigmatowards mental health.
What I would say is that's okay, because I grew up the same way
.
My parents said, oh they justcrazy talking to themselves, but
in reality it's education.
Wasn't nobody educated on that?
And that's what I like to bringto the table is to educate the
community.
What is it?
(12:02):
No, they're not just crazy.
I hate when someone say that'scrazy because nine times out of
10, they can't even tell you thedefinition of crazy.
So it is not that, but it wasthe way we was brought up and
those are core beliefs.
Same thing.
They deal with theself-sabotage.
Different core beliefs Believeit, I'm not worth it, and it
goes on and on.
But that's what I would tellpeople.
(12:24):
It's just like having aconversation, just like you and
I, we're having a conversation.
It's top therapy.
It's not lay down on the couch,it's not none of that.
It's not lay down on the couch.
It's not none of that.
It's not nothing to puttranquilizers all over your head
.
It's conversation, but it's aneducated conversation or
(12:45):
well-needed conversation, wherewe're going to look and get to
the root of the problem.
But let's get to this childhood.
That needs to be handled.
You know, let's discuss andprocess, and that's what it is
and it manifests.
If you don's discuss andprocess, and that's what it is
and it manifests, if you don'tdiscuss and process these
traumas, it will manifest indifferent things.
When people talk aboutheadaches, backaches, shoulder
(13:07):
hurt, think about it.
Where do you hold your stress?
Those are things.
That's how it manifests, andpeople don't realize how mental
health plays a big part in youreveryday life, in your everyday
life, and I want to say this too.
Another one that is good, atechnique, a skill to use, is
(13:27):
DBT.
Have you heard of that?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy,and that practices a lot of
mindfulness, self-soothing,self-soothing, giving yourself
grace because these thingswasn't your fault, but so many
chaotic things has happened toyou and you feel not worthy.
Your confidence is low,self-esteem is low because of
(13:49):
what has happened in the past,and that, too, continues that
negative cycle of self-sabotage.
Dr. Brooks (13:57):
That is so good, and you mentioned self-soothing.
I think a lot of the timespeople want to take substance
different drugs, alcohol, evensex to soothe, instead of facing
the reality of something iswrong.
Something is preventing me frombetting on myself, something is
preventing me from makingdecisions, something is
(14:17):
preventing me from movingdecisions.
Something is preventing me frommoving forward.
Why am I burned out all thetime?
And so sometimes, instead ofaddressing the root of the issue
, a lot of people choose toself-soothe with things that
make them feel good temporarily,but then what happens is, when
it wears off, they're back intoa vicious cycle.
What happens is, when it wearsoff, they're back into a vicious
(14:39):
cycle.
It's almost like they're strong.
They're getting stronger andstronger, with not moving
forward and not being the personthat they are created to be.
I'm so glad that you brought upself-soothing, because I don't
think a lot of people realizethat they have taken things that
are hurting them and that theyare self-soothing with them.
So that is really good.
When people are afraid ofcommitment, people that don't
(15:03):
want to commit or people thatovercommit are people that can't
focus on themselves.
What are some advice that youcan give to them?
Charlotte (15:13):
What I would do with them.
First of all, I'm gonna alwaysgo back because I like to go to
childhood.
That's just how I like to do it.
They say stop taking them totheir childhood, I know it.
But we're going to have toidentify.
See, you remember when we wasin school how we could make the
dots and get a picture.
That's my therapy let's connectthese dots so we can come up
with this picture on what'sgoing on.
(15:34):
When a person betterunderstands what has happened
and how it's playing a part intheir life, they more likely
they can fix it.
But see, if I'm just giving youcoping skills, you don't even
know how to identify thattrigger.
You know what triggers me to gointo this self-sabotaging mode.
(15:57):
So that's why I say I like togo back to childhood.
I do, I like to go back tochildhood.
Now, some of the things that canbe done is like practicing
self-compassion.
Self-compassion even if it'sjust journaling, because that's
a nurturing technique as well.
And I like affirmation justaffirmations are good
(16:19):
reiterating, reaffirming who youare, who you are, what caliber
of a person you are.
You are not.
You are not what was said toyou as a child.
You are not what was said toyou, because those people have
iffy relationships too, whatprone to being a domestic,
violent relationship.
Because guess what I got to do,whatever I need to do to keep
(16:41):
this person around.
So just showing who you are,that you're worth more than that
.
You don't belong on a salesrack, pay full price for me.
You got to know that self-worth.
So it will be skills like thatto increase that self-worth
self-esteem.
It will be skills like that toincrease that self-worth
self-esteem.
Affirmations are very good forthat.
Relaxation techniques I know alot of people like to go to deep
(17:02):
breathing, but I like to do theguided meditation.
Just sit there and do a wholefull body scan.
So things like that will bevery good.
Even if it was going out andtaking a 10 minute walk, that's
fine.
Just get out there, enjoy somesun, set that circadian rhythm
back.
Just give you that balanceWhile we look for that pH
(17:24):
balance that gives you thatbalance.
Dr. Brooks (17:28):
That's so good.
And now, in today's time, a lotof people have self-diagnosed
themselves with things like OCD,or they'll say I'm ADHD or all
of these things, or they'll sayI'm a perfectionist, and a lot
of people don't realize that youare actually setting
unrealistic standards foryourself and you're avoiding
(17:48):
action, and that also can betied to fear or failure.
So can you just talk about whenpeople want to be perfect or if
they feel like the moment has tobe perfect in order for them to
act, and I don't think theyrealize that is a
self-sabotaging behavior.
Charlotte (18:04):
Perfectionism is.
It's exactly what you said.
It's a self-sabotaging behavior, because a perfectionist is
black or white, all or nothingthinking.
Perfectionists it's black orwhite, all or nothing thinking.
But then too, you can relatethat back to was the children
ever compared?
Was one grade better than theother?
(18:25):
And then, of course, they don'talways want to do better,
better and unconsciously, andthat's just what they look after
and fish after and go for.
Yes, perfectionism is, but whathas to happen is you got to
realize?
That's where that restructuring, those thoughts, going to come
from.
Nobody is perfect, nobody isperfect, everything.
(18:46):
And then if they think theycan't do it perfect or get it
perfect, guess what?
They won't do it at all.
They won't even carry out theroutine, the project, do
whatever they need to, theywon't even do it at all, won't
even take a stab at it.
So that, right there, puts youright back.
They're going right back tothat.
See, I can even do it.
No, because you're thinkingperfection, things are not
(19:10):
perfect.
And so, yes, that is aself-sabotaging, and to that we
just have to restructure andchange some thoughts.
Dr. Brooks (19:19):
That is so good.
So, with the theories that youuse in your practice, are people
willing to do it or do you seea lot of resistance?
Charlotte (19:31):
Oh, they are willing to do it.
Okay, and a lot of them don'teven know why they self-sabotage
.
But when we go back they belike, oh yeah, that makes sense
and they more opt to have asuccessful counseling experience
.
And then too I'm just sayingthis a lot of times people don't
know it's different therapists.
(19:51):
Now, if you've got someself-sabotaging behaviors going
on, you don't want aperson-centered therapist to go
to, Then you're going to say, oh, the therapy didn't work.
Why did it not work?
The therapist didn't sayanything, they didn't give me no
feedback.
I said, okay, you probably wentto a person-centered therapist.
So it's best to know what typeof therapist you are going to.
Dr. Brooks (20:14):
That is so good.
I don't even think we considerthe type of therapist.
Charlotte (20:23):
Yes, always, we want to talk with them and they
don't mind.
I don't mind if someone calledme and I've had a couple to call
me they're going to give you aconsultation.
But you do want to talk to thetherapist to make sure it's a
good fit, a fit for you and afit for the therapist, and right
.
Then they probably discusstheir theoretical orientation
and if they say person-centered,and you need some existential
(20:44):
therapy, cognitive behavior,dialectical behavior, humanistic
, different things like that,but if they are psychodynamic
therapists, you're on the righttrack.
Dr. Brooks (20:54):
If you're trying to restructure some thought
processing, that is so good,because I don't think we
consider the type of therapist.
I know sometimes when peoplefeel like that it's time for
them to go seek professionalhelp, I think that they're just
anxious and they don't do thenecessary research.
And so I can see that if youconnect with the wrong type of
therapist not saying that personis not a good therapist but
(21:17):
they're not good for you I cansee how that can set someone
back because now they feel I'vetried and it didn't work out.
So I'm glad that you broughtthat up, because I don't think I
would have considered the typeof therapist when all of you
guys have specialties, becauseyou have the cognitive behavior
certification as well.
Yes, yeah, that makes sense.
Yes, I do.
(21:37):
That makes so much sense.
So when should someone considerseeking professional support to
address self-sabotagingbehaviors?
That's tied to their mentalhealth?
Charlotte (21:48):
And another thing too, and I'm glad you asked
that's a good question, but it'sso much.
It's so much.
I know we can't covereverything but impulse behaviors
.
Those are another challengingsign or symptom to self-sabotage
.
So when you know you can'tcontrol yourself anymore from
the self-sabotage and youcontinue that cycle when you
(22:10):
know it's out of your control,when you know you can't regulate
your emotions and for thosethat don't, hey, we got more, we
got 123 emotions.
But we're so familiar with mad,glad, sad, whatever, that's
what we're familiar with.
Look, check out that emotionwheel, look at all of those
(22:31):
emotions.
So when you feel or realize youcan't identify with your
emotions, you can't regulateyour emotions, you're acting on
the impulse, you're out of yourcontrol, you're repeating the
same vicious cycle.
That's when you need to see atherapist.
Dr. Brooks (22:47):
That is so good.
You say impulsive behavior.
What does that look like?
Because I would think, if aperson does that a lot, that
becomes their norm, so theydon't recognize that they're
impulsive.
So what would that look like?
Charlotte (23:03):
They don't want to the end.
Just say, for instance, if yougot a project on your job, you
already deal with self-sabotage.
So you got a project on yourjob, you hastily make a decision
without even thinking anythingout, playing the picture all the
way through.
You make a decision that justdisrupts the entire, the entire
(23:23):
goal of the project Once again.
Then you're going to come back,see, I can't do nothing.
So that's what the impulse looklike Just making decisions
without even thinking thingsthrough.
Or impulsive decision hey, I'mgoing to go over here and, like
you said, promiscuous sex,things like that.
Impulsive yeah, I'm just grabme a beer.
Yeah, I'm going to just smokethis.
(23:45):
I'm just things like that.
You're not even thinking,you're not even thinking, you
just made a decision without anythought to it without any
thought to it.
Dr. Brooks (24:01):
That is so good.
And when it comes to mentalhealth, how can someone identify
if they're having like mentalhealth issues?
Because say, for instance, whatif someone is just sad all the
time, but they don't feel likethey're depressed, but they
notice that they are melancholyall the time?
Is that something that theyshould seek help for?
So what is like a measuringtool to let us know when we need
(24:22):
to go and seek professionalhelp?
Charlotte (24:25):
Whenever different signs and symptoms or behaviors
is interrupting your day.
Okay, you cannot complete yourday.
You cannot even go to work.
You cannot stay at home orclean up or whatever it is.
If you go out to eat, going outto Walmart, that's a problem,
things like things that's goingto disrupt your day.
Okay, and being sad?
(24:47):
Yeah, that's fine being sad,but you still need to go and get
some help for that.
Because why are you constantlysad?
It's something that and, likeyou said earlier, it could be a
suppressed thought, a repressedthought, repressed, suppressed
memories that you're not awareof.
See, that's how thatunconscious mind, it runs
(25:09):
constantly, even when we areasleep.
It never stops.
So, whatever you have beentaking in, whether you've got to
argue with a friend, parents,sibling, whatever scary movie
people don't realize that scarymovies, these things, plays a
part, they play a big part intohow you feel, because it's your
(25:32):
thoughts, emotions, behavior.
Everything starts with athought and this is how we get
into this emotion and then wehave a behavior, whether the
behavior is I'm not going tocome out my room today,
isolation.
So now we're going to head downthat road to depression,
because now you don't want tocome out the room, you shut the
curtains, shut the blinds.
(25:53):
Now you want to just be inauthority and see once it starts
spiraling out of control.
Dr. Brooks (25:59):
It's out of control , it goes really fast that is so
good, and you also mentionedearlier how self-sabotage and
just different mental healththings can play a physical role,
because you talked aboutheadaches and you talked about
different things.
How does fatigue come into playhere?
Because so many people areburned out, they're fatigued and
they are not correlating thatto mental health.
Charlotte (26:22):
Yes, that fatigue, that fatigue is something I go
through.
It sometimes You're running,running, running, running,
fatigue guys.
We got to get a balance in lifeand practicing some stress
management techniques on a dailybasis.
You know how the doctor used tosay an apple a day will keep
the doctor away.
A coping skill a day will keepthat stress, that fatigue away.
(26:44):
So we have to practice that.
And I like to refer everythingback to Michael Jordan, because
everybody knows him and he wasjust my all-time favorite.
I said Michael Jordan did notbecome Michael Jordan sitting on
the sofa.
He didn't wait on Scott to kickhim and say come on, mike, we
got a game.
Then he'd jump up and go.
This man practiced.
So you have to practice theseskills on a daily basis.
(27:06):
So when game day come for you,or when depression show up for
you, fatigueness show up for you, you're ready.
And another thing that playsinto our fatigueness is that
what we're putting in our body,the eating Sugar, is not good
and it causes depression.
So you got to see what you feedin that temple as well, and
(27:29):
that's going to play a big partinto the fatigue.
Dr. Brooks (27:32):
That is so good Listen.
so I am so excited because Idon't think we realize how diet,
exercise, making sure we getgood rest, making sure that we
have peace in our homes, on ourjobs and I don't think people
realize that how that all playsa role in just being healthy and
(27:54):
a healthy lifestyle.
So what can you say to thosepeople that are in a work
environment that is not healthyfor them?
They're not happy there, butfor some reason they're holding
onto it and they don't want tolet it go because they may feel
like they wouldn't be able tosurvive somewhere else or they
wouldn't be able to get anotherjob.
(28:14):
What would you say to thosepeople that have talked
themselves out of being happy intheir place of employment?
Charlotte (28:22):
And that's good that work-life balance.
We all seeking that.
And for a person that you don'tlike the job, write down the
strength to the job.
Write down the weaknesses andsee where would you like to go.
See that right there too, canend back up at self-sabotage.
This is not good for you, butyou're sticking to it because
(28:43):
you procrastinate to go getanother job because of fear of
failure.
You're fearing unconsciouslythat you may fail on this new
job.
So you get out of the comfortzone.
You're in that thing whereyou're comfortable right there,
even though you may be goingthrough per H-E-W hockey stick
on the job.
But guess what?
I know this.
(29:03):
I done been through that before.
Chaos before.
I know this.
I'm familiar with this, but youjust don't know.
Being over here would be better, but you don't want to take
that chance.
So you just got to write downyour strengths and, once again,
that right there needs to workwith a therapist so you can see
and reconstruct your thoughts.
(29:24):
What's so rational andirrational.
You know what's better for me.
Dr. Brooks (29:31):
I'm so glad that you said that, because I
remember, even when I was achild, when you talked about
therapies and you talked aboutpsychologists and things of that
nature, it was typically forpeople that had a diagnosis of
schizophrenia, bipolar disorder,different mental health
disorders, and so I think that'swhere the stigma came into play
when it comes to therapy.
But you mentioned that atherapist can even help someone
(29:54):
talk through or get throughtransitioning into something new
, and so I'm so glad that youmentioned that.
Do you have any final thoughtsthat you want to leave with the
audience today?
Charlotte (30:07):
Even if you think you don't need a therapist, go
talk to one anyway.
You may find out something.
Talk to one anyway.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way to finding me one.
I'm not going to tell them I'ma therapist.
I'm just going to go because Iwant to be well-rounded, whether
it's spiritually, mentally,work-life balance.
I want it all because I know Ideserve it all.
(30:29):
You just got to have thatmindset and I just want to make
sure what is something in thereclogging me or clogging me up?
I just want to make sure I'mreleasing everything.
I listen to a lot of storiesevery day.
I have a lot in me.
I will take to my grave a lotof stories.
However, them things got to bereleased, not that I'm going to
(30:51):
get in there and tell you astory, but decompress me with
some stress.
So myself, I feel like, okay,I'm going to go to a therapist
because I don't want to just beall stressed out or burnout,
because I do love what I do.
Dr. Brooks (31:05):
Yeah, that definitely makes sense.
I'm constantly always prayingfor therapists and counselors,
because that's a lot to take inand you have to have that
balance to not carry thoseburdens, because I can imagine
some of the stuff can be a lot,and so I'm glad that you said
that.
And so if someone wanted towork with you or if someone
wanted to follow you on socialmedia or get in touch with you,
(31:26):
how would they reach out to youmedia?
Charlotte (31:28):
or get in touch with you.
How would they reach out to you?
They can reach out First.
You can put me in Google, Iwill pop up.
My website iswwwcultivatedmindscounselingcom.
I'm on all the social medias asCultivated Minds Counseling or
Cultivated Minds CounselingGroup.
If it don't come up withcounseling, it'll be group.
(31:52):
But I try to keep everythingthe same throughout, so not
every last one of the socialmedias.
I know y'all like YouTube,facebook, those social medias I
know it's a lot out there, butthose ones there Instagram.
Dr. Brooks (32:06):
So, listen, y'all, make sure that y'all get in
contact with Ms Charlotte.
She is an amazing clinicaltherapist and if you are looking
for someone that is going tocollaborate with you to help you
get through the self-sabotaging, to help you get through any
other mental health issues thatyou may be facing, make sure
that you connect with her.
If you are not in her city, shecan definitely do some virtual
(32:30):
sessions with you.
And so, again, charlotte, thankyou so much for joining me.
I just wanted to have thisconversation because I don't
think a lot of people realizethat we self-sabotage ourselves,
even with those things that wetry to talk ourselves out of it.
I want to go for the promotion,but I don't want them to
overwork me Okay, but you'realready overworked.
(32:52):
I want to go for the promotion,but I don't want them to take
advantage of me.
They're already takingadvantage of you, and so when
you say things like that,essentially what you're saying
is I don't think I'm good enoughfor this promotion, I don't
think that I'm good enough tohandle the responsibility with
the title and the pay, butyou're already minus the title
and minus the pay.
(33:12):
So it is so important that weare cognizant of the things that
we say and the things that wedo, the actions that we take to
talk ourselves out of justmoving up in life, moving up in
our profession, in our personallife, whatever the situation is.
So I hope that everyone that islistening to this conversation,
I hope that you guys wrote somethings down.
(33:33):
I hope that you've got some keytakeaways.
Again, some of the behaviorswith self-sabotage is going to
be procrastination.
It's going to be delaying thoseimportant tasks or making
decisions.
We talked about negativeself-talk, doubting your
abilities, undermining yourconfidence, that inner dialogue
that is keeping you from beingthe best version of yourself.
(33:56):
We talked about fear of failureor success.
Sometimes you may not want tosucceed.
You could be the first in yourfamily to do it.
You could have a lot of peopledepending on you, and so
sometimes you'll be complacentin where you are simply because
you don't want to let anyonedown.
That is a sign of self-sabotage.
(34:16):
We also talked aboutover-commitment.
You have a lot on your plate.
You're trying to do everythingelse for everyone else so that
you won't have to face the musicwhen it comes to your own life.
That can be a self-sabotagingbehavior.
We also talked about thatperfectionism.
You wanted everything to beperfect, and sometimes, when you
strive for perfection, youwon't even take the first step
(34:37):
into moving towards your goals,your aspirations, and so if you
are experiencing any of that, ifyou are sad, fatigued, whatever
it is, if you feel that yourbody is so heavy, it is probably
time for you to go and seekprofessional help.
Deanne, thank you guys so muchfor watching this episode.
Thank you, charlotte, so much.
(34:57):
You have been a pleasure.
Thank you.
Intro (35:04):
Thanks for joining.
Please rate this episode andshare this podcast with your
family and friends.
To learn more about your host,visit wwwbrooksdemmingcom.
Welcome to the Off Balance Podcast, where faith,
family and business collide,with your host, dr Brooks Deming
, christian life coach,intercessor and entrepreneur.
Dr. Brooks (00:18):
Hi there, I'm Dr Brooks.
Today we're diving into animportant and often overlooked
topic mental health andself-sabotage.
So many of us have goals,dreams and aspirations, yet
sometimes we find ourselvesstanding in our own way.
Whether it's due toprocrastination, negative
self-talk or fear of failure,self-sabotage can keep us stuck
(00:40):
and hinder our progress in life.
But what do we do about it?
What's the connection betweenour mental health and these
self-defeating behaviors and,more importantly, how can we
break the cycle?
To help us unpack this topic, myguest today is Charlotte Jones.
Charlotte is a dedicated andaccomplished mental health
(01:00):
professional with over 22 yearsof experience in the field.
Charlotte is the executivedirector and lead clinical
therapist at Cultivating MindsCounseling Group.
Charlotte has a passion forhelping others thrive, and she
will shed light on the rootcauses of self-sabotage, how it
impacts our mental health, andshare practical tools to help us
(01:20):
overcome it.
So go ahead, grab your notebook, settle in and let's explore
how to move past self-sabotageand into the life we were meant
to live.
So please help me.
Welcome, ms Charlotte Jones.
Thank you.
Hi Charlotte.
Thank you so much for joiningme today.
I am so excited to have you.
(01:42):
How are you doing today?
Charlotte (01:44):
I am excited to be here and I'm blessed, I won't
complain.
Dr. Brooks (01:49):
Okay, so could you just let people know a little
bit about yourself and what itis that you actually do?
Charlotte (01:56):
Okay, my name is Charlotte Jones.
Of course, I am a clinicaltherapist.
I've been in the mental healthfield for over 22 years.
First started off with kidsadolescence and worked my way
all the way up my what can I sayabout that?
My weak area is working withkids.
So I had to get away from thereBecause I was bringing that
(02:18):
work home with me and that isnot a good thing.
So I do work with adults now.
I did work in geriatrics before, but you know how you feel like
they're elderly and you got to.
I could not.
That was another one.
I felt so bad.
So I do enjoy working withadults.
I work in one of the largestpsych hospitals in the state of
(02:40):
Alabama since the downsizing ofBryce.
So yeah, that's about it for us, with me.
Dr. Brooks (02:46):
Listen, you do a lot in the community, so again,
welcome.
I'm so excited about this topicbecause I think a lot of the
times when we find ourselvesstuck or when we find ourselves
constantly beating ourselves up,we have no idea that that is
attached to our mental healthand how we see ourselves, and so
I think that this conversationis going to be really important.
(03:08):
So, as we dive in, can you justtell us what are some common
mental health challenges thatcan lead to self-sabotaging
behaviors?
Charlotte (03:17):
Oh, some common challenges be like in
relationships.
If you got some failingrelationships, just look back.
Even with friendships, how manyfriends have you went through
and how long did you keep thesefriends Work, even working how
many jobs have you went through?
Fear of success most of thetime is a problem.
(03:38):
Perfectionism, procrastinationthose are some things that we
don't even realize.
That plays a part inself-sabotage.
Dr. Brooks (03:47):
Listen, I am so glad you brought up
relationships because I don'tthink we even consider
relationships when it comes toself-sabotaging.
But it can interfere in ourrelationship, especially if we
don't trust people or maybe inthe past people have done things
to us, or even if we don't knowhow to be in a relationship.
(04:07):
Unfortunately for a lot ofadults, they lack communication
skills.
So a lot of the times whenwe're in these relationships and
then if we're unconsciouslytelling ourselves that it's not
going to work or I can't trustthem, then I can definitely see
how self-sabotaging can play arole.
So thankful that you saidrelationships, because I
(04:28):
personally wouldn't have thoughtabout those external
relationships.
I most of the time think aboutit when you're talking about
yourself and you're dealing withprocrastination, or if you have
that negative self-talk or evenif you have a fear of failure
or success, but I didn't reallylook at it in the workplace or
in those personal relationships.
(04:48):
So yeah, that can be damning.
So thank you for bringing thatup.
We're talking about mentalhealth and self-sabotage.
How can someone recognize whentheir actions are driven by
self-sabotage rather thanexternal circumstances?
Charlotte (05:04):
Okay when you are constantly having that negative
self-talk to yourself you're notworth it.
That negative self-talk,negative thoughts,
procrastination.
If you've got a project orsomething to do at work and
you've got a deadline and youjust you go procrastinate and
prolong it out becauseunconsciously you got that fear
(05:27):
of failure, then you'll be inthat cycle.
Once you see that you cannotcomplete that project.
Or if you don't complete thatproject because this is in your
mind, if you don't complete thatproject, you're going to feel
like, see, I am worthless, I ama failure, I can't even fulfill
my duties on my job.
And then that's going to leadto other things, especially if
(05:49):
you already have a history of asubstance abuse.
I might as well go drink this, Imight as well go ahead and
smoke this, shoot this up,because I'm already a failure.
So many people have called me afailure, so that's what I am.
And then that, for a shortperiod of time, when that high
comes down, that's gonna be theshame, the guilt.
(06:10):
Then, guess what?
We got the cycle all over again.
Oh, wow, so wow that is veryinteresting.
Dr. Brooks (06:19):
What makes you think that we automatically go
to a negative self-talk?
Charlotte (06:25):
It stems from.
I like to go back throughchildhood whenever I do a
session and most of the time,99.9% of the time, it is
stemming from childhood, whetherit's a parent that maybe has
some substance problems, alcoholincluded and maybe left the
child where older sibling had tocare for the child, had to care
(06:47):
for that child, and then, ontop of that cooking, they had to
cook, and it's still a child inthe house.
So that nurturing is not there.
That nurturing, that love, thataffection See, that's what a
lot of people don't realize howmental health works.
You are in your mother's wombfor nine months or ten, however
(07:07):
you want to put it, but you'rethere, so that forms an
attachment.
Then when she has a child, shehas a child and then she's still
going out, doing whatever shewants to do, not nurturing that
child, not giving that childthat love, that affection, that
touch that is very important too.
Not giving each other that love, that affectionate touch that
is very important too.
So when that does not happenand you got the big sister or
(07:29):
the big brother over herecooking, getting you off to
school, trying to get yourclothes ready for school, no
adult supervision, that's goingto cause havoc in that person's
life.
Because then that's when we'restuck in a relationship, through
many relationships, looking forlove in all the wrong places
(07:49):
Because there's a void therethat needs to be filled.
Unconsciously you're trying tofill that void.
But that's that little girl,that inner child, seeking and
need that validation.
And they do anything to get it,unconsciously, not just go out.
I'm looking for validation.
No, do anything to get it.
Unconsciously, not just go out.
I'm looking for validation.
No, but just through thatrelationship.
But it all stemmed from back,as a child coming up.
(08:11):
We didn't have that.
And then that's when peoplebecome that, yes, person, people
please, things like that.
But you know why?
The thing is they do that tokeep people around because my
mother wasn't around, my fatherwasn't around.
They're not just thinking, it'sjust in the conscious mind and
unconsciously they would do that.
(08:32):
People pleasing, the platecould be full.
They would still take on thosetasks trying to help this person
, do this with that personwhatever.
Nor they could be down tiredfrom work.
But hey, somebody kind of saywould you keep the children?
Yes, I will.
You already about to fall overasleep, but just to keep that
(08:52):
person around, just to keep afriend you will say yes to
everything, just a peoplepleaser.
Now you see how all of thatintertwines.
Dr. Brooks (09:02):
Wow.
And people pleasing is not good, because sometimes too, people
please so that they don't haveto face their own situations,
their own growth, their owndevelopment.
So sometimes people keepthemselves busy with other
people's business so that theydon't have to face reality.
Charlotte (09:18):
That is exactly right and exactly true.
Yeah, I'd rather divert myattention over here to you and
see to your needs, but deep downinside I know I got some needs
that need to be filled as well,but I don't want to focus on
that because it's hard for me tofocus on that.
See, it goes back to that childhurt, pain, sad, ashamed and
(09:42):
that's why we got to be familiarwith our emotions as well.
So it goes back to that.
And guess what?
I don't want to even go backthrough that, so I just focus on
you and do whatever you do.
That is so good.
Dr. Brooks (09:55):
So when you work with a client, what techniques
would you use?
Because sometimes, if weexperience something in
childhood, we suppress it to thepoint to where it's no longer a
reality for us, and so it'shard sometimes to face that.
So what techniques would youeven use in a therapy session to
(10:15):
help someone realize that theirchildhood is playing a role in
how they behave today?
Charlotte (10:21):
Well, that is a good question.
So the technique I would use iscognitive, and it's my
theoretical orientation as well.
It's cognitive behavior therapy.
Some people know it as CBT, butit's the cognitive behavior
therapy and it's restructuringyour thought patterns,
restructuring your.
What are you telling yourself?
Now let's replace it with this.
(10:43):
But once again, when you startCBT, we need to go all the way
back to childhood at that timeand then bring you up to the age
you are today.
So I want to hear from thechild, not the adult sitting in
front of me.
I want to hear from that childbecause that's who's hurting,
that's who's hurting, that'swho's sabotaging.
(11:05):
But the adult don't want toface the pain over again.
So they just stuff all thoseemotions inside and that's how
the cycle once again continuesto repeat itself.
Dr. Brooks (11:18):
Yeah, that's not good, and there are so many
people that have.
They have a thought of therapyas if therapy is weak, or if I
go to therapy I'm weak, or if Igo to therapy then that means
that I can no longer, maybe,think for myself.
So what do you say for peoplethat have this negative
connotation around therapy?
Charlotte (11:42):
Oh, that is just one of my things on my platform to
break that negative stigmatowards mental health.
What I would say is that's okay, because I grew up the same way
.
My parents said, oh they justcrazy talking to themselves, but
in reality it's education.
Wasn't nobody educated on that?
And that's what I like to bringto the table is to educate the
community.
What is it?
(12:02):
No, they're not just crazy.
I hate when someone say that'scrazy because nine times out of
10, they can't even tell you thedefinition of crazy.
So it is not that, but it wasthe way we was brought up and
those are core beliefs.
Same thing.
They deal with theself-sabotage.
Different core beliefs Believeit, I'm not worth it, and it
goes on and on.
But that's what I would tellpeople.
(12:24):
It's just like having aconversation, just like you and
I, we're having a conversation.
It's top therapy.
It's not lay down on the couch,it's not none of that.
It's not lay down on the couch.
It's not none of that.
It's not nothing to puttranquilizers all over your head
.
It's conversation, but it's aneducated conversation or
(12:45):
well-needed conversation, wherewe're going to look and get to
the root of the problem.
But let's get to this childhood.
That needs to be handled.
You know, let's discuss andprocess, and that's what it is
and it manifests.
If you don's discuss andprocess, and that's what it is
and it manifests, if you don'tdiscuss and process these
traumas, it will manifest indifferent things.
When people talk aboutheadaches, backaches, shoulder
(13:07):
hurt, think about it.
Where do you hold your stress?
Those are things.
That's how it manifests, andpeople don't realize how mental
health plays a big part in youreveryday life, in your everyday
life, and I want to say this too.
Another one that is good, atechnique, a skill to use, is
(13:27):
DBT.
Have you heard of that?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy,and that practices a lot of
mindfulness, self-soothing,self-soothing, giving yourself
grace because these thingswasn't your fault, but so many
chaotic things has happened toyou and you feel not worthy.
Your confidence is low,self-esteem is low because of
(13:49):
what has happened in the past,and that, too, continues that
negative cycle of self-sabotage.
Dr. Brooks (13:57):
That is so good, and you mentioned self-soothing.
I think a lot of the timespeople want to take substance
different drugs, alcohol, evensex to soothe, instead of facing
the reality of something iswrong.
Something is preventing me frombetting on myself, something is
preventing me from makingdecisions, something is
(14:17):
preventing me from movingdecisions.
Something is preventing me frommoving forward.
Why am I burned out all thetime?
And so sometimes, instead ofaddressing the root of the issue
, a lot of people choose toself-soothe with things that
make them feel good temporarily,but then what happens is, when
it wears off, they're back intoa vicious cycle.
What happens is, when it wearsoff, they're back into a vicious
(14:39):
cycle.
It's almost like they're strong.
They're getting stronger andstronger, with not moving
forward and not being the personthat they are created to be.
I'm so glad that you brought upself-soothing, because I don't
think a lot of people realizethat they have taken things that
are hurting them and that theyare self-soothing with them.
So that is really good.
When people are afraid ofcommitment, people that don't
(15:03):
want to commit or people thatovercommit are people that can't
focus on themselves.
What are some advice that youcan give to them?
Charlotte (15:13):
What I would do with them.
First of all, I'm gonna alwaysgo back because I like to go to
childhood.
That's just how I like to do it.
They say stop taking them totheir childhood, I know it.
But we're going to have toidentify.
See, you remember when we wasin school how we could make the
dots and get a picture.
That's my therapy let's connectthese dots so we can come up
with this picture on what'sgoing on.
(15:34):
When a person betterunderstands what has happened
and how it's playing a part intheir life, they more likely
they can fix it.
But see, if I'm just giving youcoping skills, you don't even
know how to identify thattrigger.
You know what triggers me to gointo this self-sabotaging mode.
(15:57):
So that's why I say I like togo back to childhood.
I do, I like to go back tochildhood.
Now, some of the things that canbe done is like practicing
self-compassion.
Self-compassion even if it'sjust journaling, because that's
a nurturing technique as well.
And I like affirmation justaffirmations are good
(16:19):
reiterating, reaffirming who youare, who you are, what caliber
of a person you are.
You are not.
You are not what was said toyou as a child.
You are not what was said toyou, because those people have
iffy relationships too, whatprone to being a domestic,
violent relationship.
Because guess what I got to do,whatever I need to do to keep
(16:41):
this person around.
So just showing who you are,that you're worth more than that
.
You don't belong on a salesrack, pay full price for me.
You got to know that self-worth.
So it will be skills like thatto increase that self-worth
self-esteem.
It will be skills like that toincrease that self-worth
self-esteem.
Affirmations are very good forthat.
Relaxation techniques I know alot of people like to go to deep
(17:02):
breathing, but I like to do theguided meditation.
Just sit there and do a wholefull body scan.
So things like that will bevery good.
Even if it was going out andtaking a 10 minute walk, that's
fine.
Just get out there, enjoy somesun, set that circadian rhythm
back.
Just give you that balanceWhile we look for that pH
(17:24):
balance that gives you thatbalance.
Dr. Brooks (17:28):
That's so good.
And now, in today's time, a lotof people have self-diagnosed
themselves with things like OCD,or they'll say I'm ADHD or all
of these things, or they'll sayI'm a perfectionist, and a lot
of people don't realize that youare actually setting
unrealistic standards foryourself and you're avoiding
(17:48):
action, and that also can betied to fear or failure.
So can you just talk about whenpeople want to be perfect or if
they feel like the moment has tobe perfect in order for them to
act, and I don't think theyrealize that is a
self-sabotaging behavior.
Charlotte (18:04):
Perfectionism is.
It's exactly what you said.
It's a self-sabotaging behavior, because a perfectionist is
black or white, all or nothingthinking.
Perfectionists it's black orwhite, all or nothing thinking.
But then too, you can relatethat back to was the children
ever compared?
Was one grade better than theother?
(18:25):
And then, of course, they don'talways want to do better,
better and unconsciously, andthat's just what they look after
and fish after and go for.
Yes, perfectionism is, but whathas to happen is you got to
realize?
That's where that restructuring, those thoughts, going to come
from.
Nobody is perfect, nobody isperfect, everything.
(18:46):
And then if they think theycan't do it perfect or get it
perfect, guess what?
They won't do it at all.
They won't even carry out theroutine, the project, do
whatever they need to, theywon't even do it at all, won't
even take a stab at it.
So that, right there, puts youright back.
They're going right back tothat.
See, I can even do it.
No, because you're thinkingperfection, things are not
(19:10):
perfect.
And so, yes, that is aself-sabotaging, and to that we
just have to restructure andchange some thoughts.
Dr. Brooks (19:19):
That is so good.
So, with the theories that youuse in your practice, are people
willing to do it or do you seea lot of resistance?
Charlotte (19:31):
Oh, they are willing to do it.
Okay, and a lot of them don'teven know why they self-sabotage
.
But when we go back they belike, oh yeah, that makes sense
and they more opt to have asuccessful counseling experience
.
And then too I'm just sayingthis a lot of times people don't
know it's different therapists.
(19:51):
Now, if you've got someself-sabotaging behaviors going
on, you don't want aperson-centered therapist to go
to, Then you're going to say, oh, the therapy didn't work.
Why did it not work?
The therapist didn't sayanything, they didn't give me no
feedback.
I said, okay, you probably wentto a person-centered therapist.
So it's best to know what typeof therapist you are going to.
Dr. Brooks (20:14):
That is so good.
I don't even think we considerthe type of therapist.
Charlotte (20:23):
Yes, always, we want to talk with them and they
don't mind.
I don't mind if someone calledme and I've had a couple to call
me they're going to give you aconsultation.
But you do want to talk to thetherapist to make sure it's a
good fit, a fit for you and afit for the therapist, and right
.
Then they probably discusstheir theoretical orientation
and if they say person-centered,and you need some existential
(20:44):
therapy, cognitive behavior,dialectical behavior, humanistic
, different things like that,but if they are psychodynamic
therapists, you're on the righttrack.
Dr. Brooks (20:54):
If you're trying to restructure some thought
processing, that is so good,because I don't think we
consider the type of therapist.
I know sometimes when peoplefeel like that it's time for
them to go seek professionalhelp, I think that they're just
anxious and they don't do thenecessary research.
And so I can see that if youconnect with the wrong type of
therapist not saying that personis not a good therapist but
(21:17):
they're not good for you I cansee how that can set someone
back because now they feel I'vetried and it didn't work out.
So I'm glad that you broughtthat up, because I don't think I
would have considered the typeof therapist when all of you
guys have specialties, becauseyou have the cognitive behavior
certification as well.
Yes, yeah, that makes sense.
Yes, I do.
(21:37):
That makes so much sense.
So when should someone considerseeking professional support to
address self-sabotagingbehaviors?
That's tied to their mentalhealth?
Charlotte (21:48):
And another thing too, and I'm glad you asked
that's a good question, but it'sso much.
It's so much.
I know we can't covereverything but impulse behaviors
.
Those are another challengingsign or symptom to self-sabotage
.
So when you know you can'tcontrol yourself anymore from
the self-sabotage and youcontinue that cycle when you
(22:10):
know it's out of your control,when you know you can't regulate
your emotions and for thosethat don't, hey, we got more, we
got 123 emotions.
But we're so familiar with mad,glad, sad, whatever, that's
what we're familiar with.
Look, check out that emotionwheel, look at all of those
(22:31):
emotions.
So when you feel or realize youcan't identify with your
emotions, you can't regulateyour emotions, you're acting on
the impulse, you're out of yourcontrol, you're repeating the
same vicious cycle.
That's when you need to see atherapist.
Dr. Brooks (22:47):
That is so good.
You say impulsive behavior.
What does that look like?
Because I would think, if aperson does that a lot, that
becomes their norm, so theydon't recognize that they're
impulsive.
So what would that look like?
Charlotte (23:03):
They don't want to the end.
Just say, for instance, if yougot a project on your job, you
already deal with self-sabotage.
So you got a project on yourjob, you hastily make a decision
without even thinking anythingout, playing the picture all the
way through.
You make a decision that justdisrupts the entire, the entire
(23:23):
goal of the project Once again.
Then you're going to come back,see, I can't do nothing.
So that's what the impulse looklike Just making decisions
without even thinking thingsthrough.
Or impulsive decision hey, I'mgoing to go over here and, like
you said, promiscuous sex,things like that.
Impulsive yeah, I'm just grabme a beer.
Yeah, I'm going to just smokethis.
(23:45):
I'm just things like that.
You're not even thinking,you're not even thinking, you
just made a decision without anythought to it without any
thought to it.
Dr. Brooks (24:01):
That is so good.
And when it comes to mentalhealth, how can someone identify
if they're having like mentalhealth issues?
Because say, for instance, whatif someone is just sad all the
time, but they don't feel likethey're depressed, but they
notice that they are melancholyall the time?
Is that something that theyshould seek help for?
So what is like a measuringtool to let us know when we need
(24:22):
to go and seek professionalhelp?
Charlotte (24:25):
Whenever different signs and symptoms or behaviors
is interrupting your day.
Okay, you cannot complete yourday.
You cannot even go to work.
You cannot stay at home orclean up or whatever it is.
If you go out to eat, going outto Walmart, that's a problem,
things like things that's goingto disrupt your day.
Okay, and being sad?
(24:47):
Yeah, that's fine being sad,but you still need to go and get
some help for that.
Because why are you constantlysad?
It's something that and, likeyou said earlier, it could be a
suppressed thought, a repressedthought, repressed, suppressed
memories that you're not awareof.
See, that's how thatunconscious mind, it runs
(25:09):
constantly, even when we areasleep.
It never stops.
So, whatever you have beentaking in, whether you've got to
argue with a friend, parents,sibling, whatever scary movie
people don't realize that scarymovies, these things, plays a
part, they play a big part intohow you feel, because it's your
(25:32):
thoughts, emotions, behavior.
Everything starts with athought and this is how we get
into this emotion and then wehave a behavior, whether the
behavior is I'm not going tocome out my room today,
isolation.
So now we're going to head downthat road to depression,
because now you don't want tocome out the room, you shut the
curtains, shut the blinds.
(25:53):
Now you want to just be inauthority and see once it starts
spiraling out of control.
Dr. Brooks (25:59):
It's out of control , it goes really fast that is so
good, and you also mentionedearlier how self-sabotage and
just different mental healththings can play a physical role,
because you talked aboutheadaches and you talked about
different things.
How does fatigue come into playhere?
Because so many people areburned out, they're fatigued and
they are not correlating thatto mental health.
Charlotte (26:22):
Yes, that fatigue, that fatigue is something I go
through.
It sometimes You're running,running, running, running,
fatigue guys.
We got to get a balance in lifeand practicing some stress
management techniques on a dailybasis.
You know how the doctor used tosay an apple a day will keep
the doctor away.
A coping skill a day will keepthat stress, that fatigue away.
(26:44):
So we have to practice that.
And I like to refer everythingback to Michael Jordan, because
everybody knows him and he wasjust my all-time favorite.
I said Michael Jordan did notbecome Michael Jordan sitting on
the sofa.
He didn't wait on Scott to kickhim and say come on, mike, we
got a game.
Then he'd jump up and go.
This man practiced.
So you have to practice theseskills on a daily basis.
(27:06):
So when game day come for you,or when depression show up for
you, fatigueness show up for you, you're ready.
And another thing that playsinto our fatigueness is that
what we're putting in our body,the eating Sugar, is not good
and it causes depression.
So you got to see what you feedin that temple as well, and
(27:29):
that's going to play a big partinto the fatigue.
Dr. Brooks (27:32):
That is so good Listen.
so I am so excited because Idon't think we realize how diet,
exercise, making sure we getgood rest, making sure that we
have peace in our homes, on ourjobs and I don't think people
realize that how that all playsa role in just being healthy and
(27:54):
a healthy lifestyle.
So what can you say to thosepeople that are in a work
environment that is not healthyfor them?
They're not happy there, butfor some reason they're holding
onto it and they don't want tolet it go because they may feel
like they wouldn't be able tosurvive somewhere else or they
wouldn't be able to get anotherjob.
(28:14):
What would you say to thosepeople that have talked
themselves out of being happy intheir place of employment?
Charlotte (28:22):
And that's good that work-life balance.
We all seeking that.
And for a person that you don'tlike the job, write down the
strength to the job.
Write down the weaknesses andsee where would you like to go.
See that right there too, canend back up at self-sabotage.
This is not good for you, butyou're sticking to it because
(28:43):
you procrastinate to go getanother job because of fear of
failure.
You're fearing unconsciouslythat you may fail on this new
job.
So you get out of the comfortzone.
You're in that thing whereyou're comfortable right there,
even though you may be goingthrough per H-E-W hockey stick
on the job.
But guess what?
I know this.
(29:03):
I done been through that before.
Chaos before.
I know this.
I'm familiar with this, but youjust don't know.
Being over here would be better, but you don't want to take
that chance.
So you just got to write downyour strengths and, once again,
that right there needs to workwith a therapist so you can see
and reconstruct your thoughts.
(29:24):
What's so rational andirrational.
You know what's better for me.
Dr. Brooks (29:31):
I'm so glad that you said that, because I
remember, even when I was achild, when you talked about
therapies and you talked aboutpsychologists and things of that
nature, it was typically forpeople that had a diagnosis of
schizophrenia, bipolar disorder,different mental health
disorders, and so I think that'swhere the stigma came into play
when it comes to therapy.
But you mentioned that atherapist can even help someone
(29:54):
talk through or get throughtransitioning into something new
, and so I'm so glad that youmentioned that.
Do you have any final thoughtsthat you want to leave with the
audience today?
Charlotte (30:07):
Even if you think you don't need a therapist, go
talk to one anyway.
You may find out something.
Talk to one anyway.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way to finding me one.
I'm not going to tell them I'ma therapist.
I'm just going to go because Iwant to be well-rounded, whether
it's spiritually, mentally,work-life balance.
I want it all because I know Ideserve it all.
(30:29):
You just got to have thatmindset and I just want to make
sure what is something in thereclogging me or clogging me up?
I just want to make sure I'mreleasing everything.
I listen to a lot of storiesevery day.
I have a lot in me.
I will take to my grave a lotof stories.
However, them things got to bereleased, not that I'm going to
(30:51):
get in there and tell you astory, but decompress me with
some stress.
So myself, I feel like, okay,I'm going to go to a therapist
because I don't want to just beall stressed out or burnout,
because I do love what I do.
Dr. Brooks (31:05):
Yeah, that definitely makes sense.
I'm constantly always prayingfor therapists and counselors,
because that's a lot to take inand you have to have that
balance to not carry thoseburdens, because I can imagine
some of the stuff can be a lot,and so I'm glad that you said
that.
And so if someone wanted towork with you or if someone
wanted to follow you on socialmedia or get in touch with you,
(31:26):
how would they reach out to youmedia?
Charlotte (31:28):
or get in touch with you.
How would they reach out to you?
They can reach out First.
You can put me in Google, Iwill pop up.
My website iswwwcultivatedmindscounselingcom.
I'm on all the social medias asCultivated Minds Counseling or
Cultivated Minds CounselingGroup.
If it don't come up withcounseling, it'll be group.
(31:52):
But I try to keep everythingthe same throughout, so not
every last one of the socialmedias.
I know y'all like YouTube,facebook, those social medias I
know it's a lot out there, butthose ones there Instagram.
Dr. Brooks (32:06):
So, listen, y'all, make sure that y'all get in
contact with Ms Charlotte.
She is an amazing clinicaltherapist and if you are looking
for someone that is going tocollaborate with you to help you
get through the self-sabotaging, to help you get through any
other mental health issues thatyou may be facing, make sure
that you connect with her.
If you are not in her city, shecan definitely do some virtual
(32:30):
sessions with you.
And so, again, charlotte, thankyou so much for joining me.
I just wanted to have thisconversation because I don't
think a lot of people realizethat we self-sabotage ourselves,
even with those things that wetry to talk ourselves out of it.
I want to go for the promotion,but I don't want them to
overwork me Okay, but you'realready overworked.
(32:52):
I want to go for the promotion,but I don't want them to take
advantage of me.
They're already takingadvantage of you, and so when
you say things like that,essentially what you're saying
is I don't think I'm good enoughfor this promotion, I don't
think that I'm good enough tohandle the responsibility with
the title and the pay, butyou're already minus the title
and minus the pay.
(33:12):
So it is so important that weare cognizant of the things that
we say and the things that wedo, the actions that we take to
talk ourselves out of justmoving up in life, moving up in
our profession, in our personallife, whatever the situation is.
So I hope that everyone that islistening to this conversation,
I hope that you guys wrote somethings down.
(33:33):
I hope that you've got some keytakeaways.
Again, some of the behaviorswith self-sabotage is going to
be procrastination.
It's going to be delaying thoseimportant tasks or making
decisions.
We talked about negativeself-talk, doubting your
abilities, undermining yourconfidence, that inner dialogue
that is keeping you from beingthe best version of yourself.
(33:56):
We talked about fear of failureor success.
Sometimes you may not want tosucceed.
You could be the first in yourfamily to do it.
You could have a lot of peopledepending on you, and so
sometimes you'll be complacentin where you are simply because
you don't want to let anyonedown.
That is a sign of self-sabotage.
(34:16):
We also talked aboutover-commitment.
You have a lot on your plate.
You're trying to do everythingelse for everyone else so that
you won't have to face the musicwhen it comes to your own life.
That can be a self-sabotagingbehavior.
We also talked about thatperfectionism.
You wanted everything to beperfect, and sometimes, when you
strive for perfection, youwon't even take the first step
(34:37):
into moving towards your goals,your aspirations, and so if you
are experiencing any of that, ifyou are sad, fatigued, whatever
it is, if you feel that yourbody is so heavy, it is probably
time for you to go and seekprofessional help.
Deanne, thank you guys so muchfor watching this episode.
Thank you, charlotte, so much.
(34:57):
You have been a pleasure.
Thank you.
Intro (35:04):
Thanks for joining.
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family and friends.
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