May 9, 2025 • 24 mins
Whether you’re single or partnered, you might find yourself wondering: Am I in the right place to do this work? There’s often an unspoken belief that there’s a “best” time to heal — and that if we’re not doing it in the ideal conditions, we’re doing it wrong.
In this episode, I’ll explore:
- The advantages and limitations of healing while single
- Why being in a relationship can accelerate your growth (but only under the right conditions)
- How emotional safety plays a key role in healing
- Why the question itself might be coming from a place of fear, shame, or comparison
- How to work with whatever season you're in and meet yourself there
Whether you're currently dating, in a relationship, or consciously taking space from romantic connection — this conversation will help you better understand the unique opportunities (and challenges) each path offers.
Highlighted Links
- Join the 28-Day Secure Self Challenge
- FREE TRAINING: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love
- Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
- September 2025 London Event Waitlist
Additional Resources
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 3 (00:04):
You are listening to on Attachment A place to learn
about how attachment shapes theway we experience relationships,
and where you'll gain theguidance, knowledge, and
practical tools to overcomeinsecurity and build healthy,
thriving relationships.
I, I'm your host relationshipcoach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm
really glad you're here.
Speaker (00:29):
Hey everybody.
Welcome back to another episodeof On Attachment.
In today's episode, I'manswering the question of
whether it is better to healwhile single or in a
relationship.
Now, this is a question that Iget all the time, and I get this
question from people who are onall ends of the spectrum.
So people who are single andwondering whether it would be
(00:50):
more advantageous for them intheir healing to be in a
relationship, people who are ina relationship and wondering,
should I actually just take sometime away from a relationship
and be single so I can reallyfocus on this away from the
triggers of my relationship?
And also maybe people who arecasually dating, so somewhere in
the middle who are wonderingwhether they should.
(01:11):
Tap out for a while and reallyallow themselves time and space
to just do the healing work orwhether they should be really
focusing on putting themselvesout there to do the healing
work, right?
So I think everyone's lookingfor the right way to approach
their healing, to maximize theirresults, to optimize the
process, all of this stuff,right?
And I understand that.
(01:31):
I know that, there can be thissense, particularly when it
matters so much to us to want todo it the right way and to not
want to sabotage or.
Compromise our ability toachieve the transformation that
we're seeking.
And at the same time, I think wedo need to acknowledge where
that question is coming from inus, and I'll talk a little bit
more about that as we go on.
(01:52):
You know, am I wanting to gripand control my way to this?
End point of being healed andhow realistic is that?
And maybe the question is afunction of my anxiety more than
anything else.
And while if you know me andyou're familiar with my work,
you can probably anticipate whatthe crux of my answer to this
(02:14):
question is, which is there's noone right way, there's no black
and white.
This is the blueprint forhealing that you must follow,
and it's gonna be the same foreveryone.
Of course, that's not the case.
But I will acknowledge thatthere are certain gifts and
upsides and limitations orchallenges that you will
encounter.
(02:34):
In different seasons.
So while single, I think thereare gifts and limitations while
dating, I think there are giftsand limitations.
While in a relationship, I thinkthere are gifts and limitations.
And I suppose being aware ofwhat those might be and how they
might apply to you and yourparticular, past experience the
specific things that youstruggle with and are wanting to
(02:54):
work on.
Having all of that context mightaid you in making that
assessment of what is going tobe best for me?
What is gonna be most supportivefor me?
What do I need at this point inmy life?
So that's what we're gonna betalking about today.
Before we get into that, areminder for anyone who missed
it, I've created a brand newfree training called How to Heal
(03:16):
Anxious Attachment, and finallyFeel Secure in Life and Love.
It is really comprehensive.
It's 75 or so minutes long,which I apologize for that.
I know everyone's very busy andtime poor, but it's a very
valuable 75 minutes and hasreceived amazing feedback from
the people who have gone throughit so far.
We talk about my three stepframework for healing, anxious
(03:38):
attachment, So the role of thenervous system and somatics, we
talk about core beliefreprogramming and some of the
core wounds of anxiousattachment and how they
infiltrate everything and act asa filter through which we
perceive ourselves and others,and relationships.
And we talk about securerelationship skills, so things
like needs and communication andboundaries and conflict
(03:59):
resolution and why a lot ofpeople get that a bit backwards
and it can actually backfire ifyou focus on that before you
have the other pieces in place.
We talk about common obstaclesto healing.
So you know, if you're someonewho's been doing this for a long
time and you're still feelingstuck or you keep ending up in
the same patterns talkingthrough exactly why that might
(04:20):
be and spoiler alert, it's notjust because you are the
exception to the rule and youare irreparably broken.
And we also talk about a verybig question, which I get a lot
which is how do I know if it'smy anxious attachment?
That's the problem that'scausing all of these ruptures in
my relationship that's causingme to take issue with all of
this stuff that my partner'sdoing, or other things that my
(04:42):
partner's doing, actually notokay.
Is it me or them basically.
And while that is of course nota black and white answer, I do
go into some of the things thatwe'll make a secure relationship
hard, AKA, if they're doing allof these things, then it's
probably not just your anxiousattachment.
So go into all of that in thistraining.
(05:02):
The link to sign up to that isin the show notes.
Or you can come find me onInstagram.
At Stephanie under rig and youcan sign up for it there as
well.
I would love for you to check itout.
It's super valuable and as Isaid, has gotten amazing
feedback from everyone who'sgone through it so far.
Okay, so let's get into thisconversation around is it better
to heal while single or in arelationship?
(05:23):
And as I said, this is notdirected to the single people or
the people in a relationshipbecause I get the question from
both sides.
And so I am gonna give abalanced view and be speaking to
everyone and anyone in between.
So let's start first with why weasked this question.
As I said in the introduction, Ido think there's probably an
aspect of.
(05:44):
The question reveals the anxietybecause our anxiety wants to do
things right.
It wants there to be a formula.
It wants information andstructure and certainty, right?
And so it's like, if I just dothese six things and control all
the variables, does that mean Iwill be healed in X amount of
(06:07):
time?
And, you know, that's the, thechallenge for me, of course, in
teaching this and distilling itdown into frameworks and
programs and all of the things,like we can create these
pillars, we can create aroadmap, and at the same time
there's so much fluidity in thatand everyone's journey's gonna
look a little different.
And so being able to hold bothof those things is.
(06:30):
So core to this work and soessential to not feeding that
part of us that wants to believethat we're doing something wrong
if it doesn't look a certainway.
And so recognizing at the outsetthat there is no perfect
solution.
There are only trade offs, andthat is true in every aspect of
life.
There's no one thing that solvesevery single problem.
(06:52):
You just need to figure out whatare the trade offs that make
most sense for you.
Now when we're talking aboutrelationships and healing
relational wounds, you mighthave heard.
The saying be tossed aroundthat, you know, we are hurt in
relationship or we are woundedin relationship and so we must
heal in relationship.
And I think there can be truthto that for sure.
(07:14):
You know, this concept of acorrective experience that's
essentially meaning that.
If I have had an experience ormany experiences in the past of,
for example, speaking up aboutmy needs and someone turning
away from that.
So whether they say oh, do wehave to talk about this again?
Or, oh, gimme a break.
(07:35):
I can't believe you know.
All of those things that feelreally invalidating and
dismissive, and then lead me toreinforce this internal story of
I'm not allowed to have needsbecause if and when I voice my
needs or concerns, that leads tothe loss of connection and that
is not a price I'm willing topay.
That's a really deeply ingrainedstory and experience that I
(07:55):
might have, and I can do so muchwork on that on my own.
But until I have an experiencethat tells another story that
actually I voice and need andsomeone receives it with love
and care and that kind ofingrains in my system as.
An alternative possibility.
(08:16):
And I think certain things weneed to learn through experience
rather than through theory.
That is super valuable.
And so this idea that there arecertain things that will only
really land in our system in thecontext of a healing
relationship container.
I think that there is somewisdom to that and there is some
truth to that, but then we canalso look at.
(08:37):
Other things that say, you haveto love yourself before someone
else will love you, which iscompletely opposite, right?
That saying that, you've gottabasically deal with all of your
self-esteem, and self-worthstuff and heal your inner
relationship before you can getinto a relationship with someone
else that's going to be thatway.
And while I don't reallysubscribe to that view of you
(08:57):
need to love yourself first,because I think that's setting
the bar pretty high.
I do think that there isvalidity and value in the idea
of focusing on our innerrelationship, particularly as
people who struggle with anxiousattachment, because the inner
relationship tends to be veryunderdeveloped.
We are so focused on the otherperson that we tend to not
(09:19):
really know who we are, and wetend not to have very high
self-esteem, and we tend not tobe very good at, really grounded
and embodied self-advocacy.
All of these things that allowus to go to relationships.
On a firm and level footing asour embodied adult self and give
(09:39):
and receive the kind of lovethat is conducive to those
healing corrective experiences.
I think there's truth in that aswell.
And so there's wisdom in thisidea of focusing on the self
first.
So all of that to say like,You're gonna hear people say one
thing, you're gonna hear peoplesay another, and it's not trying
to figure out like who's rightand who's wrong.
It's what's the wisdom in eachof these things?
What's the nuance and can I havethe discernment to figure out,
(10:02):
what is it that I might need?
In light of where I'm at or whatis it that I can take from the
season that I'm in what's themost helpful and supportive
thing for me to focus on Ratherthan feeling like I need to fit
my life and my relationshipstatus into some sort of mold so
that I can do the healing work.
So with that being said, let'stalk a little bit more about the
(10:25):
gifts and the limitations ofhealing while single.
So as I was just saying, foranxiously attached people in
particular.
That self piece tends to be thecrux of the work.
And so whether you are single orin a relationship, my advice
will always be focus onyourself.
And I think that when we aresingle, that has the advantage
(10:46):
of there being more space.
You know, you have the luxury ofreal selfishness when you're
single.
I was giving advice to someonein my healing anxious attachment
course the other day who'd justbeen out of a breakup and saying
what if this was an opportunityto go all in on yourself, even
for three months, right?
What's three months in thescheme of your life?
(11:07):
What would it be like to betotally self-centered in the
best possible way.
Like really make your life allabout you without the
distraction of focusing onsomeone else and what they need
and what they're thinking andwhen they're gonna be available.
What would it be like to notrush back onto the apps or feel
like you need to be hunting forthe next thing?
Like, how can I make my life sototally about me and what feels
(11:31):
nourishing to me and to reallygo in on my vitality and my joy
and my sense of aliveness.
And I think that that is reallyin my mind, the great gift of
doing this work while single,particularly if you are someone
who has historically tended tofocus on the other person and
(11:51):
what they think and want andneed and prefer, and what will
suit them and their conveniencelike.
Reorienting that back ontoyourself might be uncomfortable.
You might not be accustomed toreceiving that much attention,
even if it's just from yourself,but there's huge growth in
creating a life that is sofulfilling and so nourishing and
(12:14):
totally about you.
So I think that doing that inconjunction with doing some of
that deeper and sometimesheavier work around
understanding your wounds andthe things that you've carried
and the grief that might comewith that, and all of those,
layers of emotional unravelingthat we have to do sometimes
(12:36):
when we're turning towards thiswork.
I think doing that when you havea lot of time and space when
you're not distracted and beingpulled into your old patterns
that tend to be relational innature when you're not coming
into contact with day-to-daytriggers in the way that you
might be if you were casuallydating or in a relationship, I
(12:57):
think that can be reallyfruitful.
And that can be, as I said, abeautiful season to devote to
yourself.
Some of the limitations of doingthat work while single.
It's kind of the other side ofthe coin, you're not gonna be
triggered as much.
And there can be real gifts inour triggers because they bring
us into contact with things thatstill need our attention.
(13:18):
And so while it's notnecessarily helpful to be like
triggered all day, every day,and we'll come to that in a
moment when we talk about therelationship piece, if we just
create a little bubble thatfeels like Cloud nine while that
can be really supportive for aperiod it might allow us to
skate over the surface andcreate this illusion of look at
(13:39):
me.
I'm all healed now.
And then what I will often hearfrom people who maybe fall into
that pattern and get a littletoo comfy there is that.
Then they start dating andthey're like, oh, I thought I
was healed.
But look at me.
I started chatting with someoneon, a hinge and I'm an absolute
mess four days into chattingwith them.
'cause I think they're pullingaway.
(13:59):
So I guess I'm not healed atall.
And we swing back into this,shaming thing of, I thought I
was fixed, it turns out I'mstill broken.
I guess I'm never gonna behealed.
And that's not a very helpfulloop to go into.
I think we wanna find thebalance and have really honest
and healthy expectations aroundit.
Like I'm devoting this season tomy healing, to my growth and
(14:21):
allowing myself to really.
Relish, the, the sweetselfishness that can come with
being single.
While not letting that be anecho chamber or, wrapping
ourselves in cotton wool andpushing away anything and
everything that might disturbthe pristine piece of our
(14:41):
singleness.
Assuming that you do eventuallywanna be in a relationship.
I think knowing that there willbe a time that will come when
you will reenter that arena andit will challenge you having
that not only as a possibilitybut an expectation.
Like, I expect that I willabsolutely be triggered if and
when I start dating again.
(15:02):
I think that's a healthy way toapproach it, because that is
reality.
You will be And it's not aboutnever getting triggered again,
it's realizing that I am goingto arrive at those moments of
trigger.
As a new version of myself withdifferent skills and tools and
awareness and capacity, and thatis my opportunity to put all of
this work that I've been doingwhile single into practice.
(15:24):
So it's not like I'm doing thework while single, so that in my
next relationship I never haveto feel triggered again.
That's not realistic, and you'regonna feel defeated and confused
if that's your expectation.
But realizing I'm using thistime to practice and to.
Upskill and build my capacity sothat I can take a different
(15:46):
version of me to that nextchapter.
Okay, so let's shift now totalking about doing this work
while in a relationship.
Now, I think the advantages ofdoing this work in a
relationship are that that'sreal life.
If you're someone who desireslong-term partnership and you
(16:06):
are doing this work while inlong-term partnership or even,
medium short-term partnership.
That's the arena, right?
That's what we're doing it for.
It's all well and good topractice, to train, but I always
say to my students and myclients like relationships.
That's real life.
That's game day, right?
That's what we're doing it for.
And so.
(16:26):
Not holding ourselves back from.
Real life from getting messy andallowing ourselves to be
vulnerable, to take risks and tohopefully have new experiences
as a result of the work thatwe're doing.
That's gold, right?
And it's not always gonna becomfortable.
It's not always gonna be easy orseamless.
(16:48):
But that is, so much of whatwe're doing it for is so that we
can ebb and flow in real liferelationships because that's not
all within our control, right?
It's nice to think of it all interms of a video or a worksheet
or a podcast or a whatever, anice script of how it's gonna
go.
But there's nothing reallyvulnerable about that.
(17:09):
And it's only when we actuallyshow up, face to face with a
person.
Who we love and care about, andthe stakes are high and it's
real life.
That is a huge opportunity andit might scare the shit out of
you.
And that makes sense if it doesbecause it is real and stakes
are high.
But that's, that's what it's allabout, right?
(17:29):
That's where we put ourselves onthe line for that because we
care and we love and that's whatwe're all doing it for.
So I think that the realityfactor, the mess of it all, the
vulnerability is a hugeopportunity to build deep
intimacy.
Because being really seen andattuned to, and feeling
understood when we reveal partsof ourselves that maybe we've
(17:53):
never shown anyone or, we'reafraid or unlovable those
experiences can be very deeplyhealing.
And.
I think oftentimes it's onlythrough the process of rupture
and repair and speaking ourneeds and voicing fears or
concerns or setting boundaries.
These bumps in the road are veryfruitful in terms of deepening
(18:16):
our relationships.
And so I think when you're doingthis work and you're showing up
to your relationship differentlyand showing up to those hard
moments with more capacity tohave those corrective
experiences that.
That show your system anotherway is possible that can be
incredibly valuable and reallycatapult your growth and the
(18:36):
evolution of your relationshipinto something deeper and more
connected.
Now I think the flip side ofthat is that if the relationship
lacks the emotional safety.
That is needed to have thosepositive experiences, then
there's every chance that youwill just continue to trigger
the hell out of each other, andmaybe one or both of you lack
(19:02):
the tools awareness capacity toengage in meaningful repair,
such that you're just gettingtriggered all the time and
nothing's actually being done totend to those wounds.
So if you're just in the arenaall the time, getting pummeled,
obviously, not literally, butalways being triggered, always
(19:23):
on edge, always in hypervigilance and high conflict.
Like I don't think that's.
A healing container.
And I think we have to be reallyhonest and discerning about is
there anything about thisdynamic or environment that is
actually conducive to, thebuilding of trust and emotional
safety.
(19:44):
And if that's not the case, thenyou may be compromising your
ability To grow and to buildmore security within yourself.
If you're in a relationaldynamic that is reinforcing all
of those wounds and you're stillcollecting evidence every day
that relationships are unsafe,that people don't care about me,
(20:05):
that I'm always trying hard,like.
We wanna be doing the oppositeof that.
We wanna be collecting newevidence for new stories.
And so if your relationship isproviding evidence for the old
stories all day, every day, andyou're always on edge and always
stressed then I don't know thatthat's going to be supportive of
your growth and it mightactually be keeping you stuck in
the cycles and the patterns thatyou're trying to shift away
(20:28):
from.
I guess the other thing thatI'll just add onto that is.
We don't tend to grow or learnor reflect or integrate when
we're in a constant state ofstress and dysregulation.
That's just not really how itworks.
And so we do need that baselinelevel of safety.
It doesn't have to be perfectbut if you are like seriously
(20:52):
dysregulated all the time,walking on eggshells fighting
you're not really gonna be in areflective mode.
You're not gonna have thebandwidth or the capacity to
take those risks, to bevulnerable, to be openhearted
because you're so locked inpatterns of, threat detection
and self-protection that again,are not really conducive to
(21:14):
that.
Loving, connected, openheartedness, that's really gonna
take you to that securerelationship place.
Okay.
So with all of that being said,I suppose I just wanna emphasize
that, healing.
And healing anxious attachmentin particular.
There's a big self piece.
There's a big relational piece,and really finding a way to
(21:36):
weave those together is what isgoing to allow you to.
Integrate everything that you'relearning, the self-awareness
that you're developing, the newskills that you're building, the
nervous system capacity, all ofthose pieces come together and
it's being woven together inthis tapestry.
So it's not like I need to doone thing and not the other, or
(21:58):
I need to do this and not that.
There will be different parts ofthe work in different seasons,
and I think that, no matterwhere you are in life.
There are opportunities for youto turn inward to reflect, to
grow, to get curious, to becompassionate.
There's no perfect formula forhealing because it's not a neat
(22:21):
linear journey with a start andan end point, and that you're
somehow behind or on the wrongtrack if you are where you are
instead of somewhere else.
Okay?
So it's really so much lessabout your relationship status.
And more about your innerorientation to the work, and the
place that you're approaching itand yourself from.
(22:41):
So if you're avoidingrelationships to stay
comfortable.
And from this place of, I don'ttrust myself to date again,
because I'm gonna go back intoall of my old patterns and I've
been feeling so good.
So I can't start dating again.
That's.
That's not security, right?
That's fear.
Or from the other place going.
I can't leave my relationshipeven though it's driving me
(23:02):
crazy and I'm so unhappy all thetime because I dunno what I'd do
without it.
We've gotta ask where am Iasking the question from?
What's going on within me?
What am I afraid of and can Ibuild enough self trust that
it's okay, I can release thegrip, I can, just surrender a
little to the unfolding ofthings and keep turning towards
(23:24):
myself at every step of the wayand asking these.
Fundamental questions of what'sgoing on for me?
How am I feeling?
What do I need?
How could I best support myself?
That's really the crux of it.
It's not rigid, it's notformulaic.
It's all about that innerrelationship and how we relate
to ourselves, to others and tolife as a whole.
So I hope that's been helpful nomatter where you are on that
(23:46):
spectrum.
And as I said at the start,definitely check out my new free
training.
If what I've shared today hasresonated with you, I promise
you'll get a lot out of it andI'd really love for you to check
it out.
Otherwise, thank you so much forjoining me and I look forward to
seeing you again next week.
Thanks guys.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On
Attachment.
If you wanna go deeper on allthings, attachment, love, and
relationships, you can find meon Instagram at Stephanie under
Reig or@stephanierigg.com.
And if you enjoyed this episode,I'd be so grateful if you could
leave a review on a five starrating.
It really does help so much.
Thanks again for being here, andI hope to see you again soon.
You are listening to on Attachment A place to learn
about how attachment shapes theway we experience relationships,
and where you'll gain theguidance, knowledge, and
practical tools to overcomeinsecurity and build healthy,
thriving relationships.
I, I'm your host relationshipcoach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm
really glad you're here.
Speaker (00:29):
Hey everybody.
Welcome back to another episodeof On Attachment.
In today's episode, I'manswering the question of
whether it is better to healwhile single or in a
relationship.
Now, this is a question that Iget all the time, and I get this
question from people who are onall ends of the spectrum.
So people who are single andwondering whether it would be
(00:50):
more advantageous for them intheir healing to be in a
relationship, people who are ina relationship and wondering,
should I actually just take sometime away from a relationship
and be single so I can reallyfocus on this away from the
triggers of my relationship?
And also maybe people who arecasually dating, so somewhere in
the middle who are wonderingwhether they should.
(01:11):
Tap out for a while and reallyallow themselves time and space
to just do the healing work orwhether they should be really
focusing on putting themselvesout there to do the healing
work, right?
So I think everyone's lookingfor the right way to approach
their healing, to maximize theirresults, to optimize the
process, all of this stuff,right?
And I understand that.
(01:31):
I know that, there can be thissense, particularly when it
matters so much to us to want todo it the right way and to not
want to sabotage or.
Compromise our ability toachieve the transformation that
we're seeking.
And at the same time, I think wedo need to acknowledge where
that question is coming from inus, and I'll talk a little bit
more about that as we go on.
(01:52):
You know, am I wanting to gripand control my way to this?
End point of being healed andhow realistic is that?
And maybe the question is afunction of my anxiety more than
anything else.
And while if you know me andyou're familiar with my work,
you can probably anticipate whatthe crux of my answer to this
(02:14):
question is, which is there's noone right way, there's no black
and white.
This is the blueprint forhealing that you must follow,
and it's gonna be the same foreveryone.
Of course, that's not the case.
But I will acknowledge thatthere are certain gifts and
upsides and limitations orchallenges that you will
encounter.
(02:34):
In different seasons.
So while single, I think thereare gifts and limitations while
dating, I think there are giftsand limitations.
While in a relationship, I thinkthere are gifts and limitations.
And I suppose being aware ofwhat those might be and how they
might apply to you and yourparticular, past experience the
specific things that youstruggle with and are wanting to
(02:54):
work on.
Having all of that context mightaid you in making that
assessment of what is going tobe best for me?
What is gonna be most supportivefor me?
What do I need at this point inmy life?
So that's what we're gonna betalking about today.
Before we get into that, areminder for anyone who missed
it, I've created a brand newfree training called How to Heal
(03:16):
Anxious Attachment, and finallyFeel Secure in Life and Love.
It is really comprehensive.
It's 75 or so minutes long,which I apologize for that.
I know everyone's very busy andtime poor, but it's a very
valuable 75 minutes and hasreceived amazing feedback from
the people who have gone throughit so far.
We talk about my three stepframework for healing, anxious
(03:38):
attachment, So the role of thenervous system and somatics, we
talk about core beliefreprogramming and some of the
core wounds of anxiousattachment and how they
infiltrate everything and act asa filter through which we
perceive ourselves and others,and relationships.
And we talk about securerelationship skills, so things
like needs and communication andboundaries and conflict
(03:59):
resolution and why a lot ofpeople get that a bit backwards
and it can actually backfire ifyou focus on that before you
have the other pieces in place.
We talk about common obstaclesto healing.
So you know, if you're someonewho's been doing this for a long
time and you're still feelingstuck or you keep ending up in
the same patterns talkingthrough exactly why that might
(04:20):
be and spoiler alert, it's notjust because you are the
exception to the rule and youare irreparably broken.
And we also talk about a verybig question, which I get a lot
which is how do I know if it'smy anxious attachment?
That's the problem that'scausing all of these ruptures in
my relationship that's causingme to take issue with all of
this stuff that my partner'sdoing, or other things that my
(04:42):
partner's doing, actually notokay.
Is it me or them basically.
And while that is of course nota black and white answer, I do
go into some of the things thatwe'll make a secure relationship
hard, AKA, if they're doing allof these things, then it's
probably not just your anxiousattachment.
So go into all of that in thistraining.
(05:02):
The link to sign up to that isin the show notes.
Or you can come find me onInstagram.
At Stephanie under rig and youcan sign up for it there as
well.
I would love for you to check itout.
It's super valuable and as Isaid, has gotten amazing
feedback from everyone who'sgone through it so far.
Okay, so let's get into thisconversation around is it better
to heal while single or in arelationship?
(05:23):
And as I said, this is notdirected to the single people or
the people in a relationshipbecause I get the question from
both sides.
And so I am gonna give abalanced view and be speaking to
everyone and anyone in between.
So let's start first with why weasked this question.
As I said in the introduction, Ido think there's probably an
aspect of.
(05:44):
The question reveals the anxietybecause our anxiety wants to do
things right.
It wants there to be a formula.
It wants information andstructure and certainty, right?
And so it's like, if I just dothese six things and control all
the variables, does that mean Iwill be healed in X amount of
(06:07):
time?
And, you know, that's the, thechallenge for me, of course, in
teaching this and distilling itdown into frameworks and
programs and all of the things,like we can create these
pillars, we can create aroadmap, and at the same time
there's so much fluidity in thatand everyone's journey's gonna
look a little different.
And so being able to hold bothof those things is.
(06:30):
So core to this work and soessential to not feeding that
part of us that wants to believethat we're doing something wrong
if it doesn't look a certainway.
And so recognizing at the outsetthat there is no perfect
solution.
There are only trade offs, andthat is true in every aspect of
life.
There's no one thing that solvesevery single problem.
(06:52):
You just need to figure out whatare the trade offs that make
most sense for you.
Now when we're talking aboutrelationships and healing
relational wounds, you mighthave heard.
The saying be tossed aroundthat, you know, we are hurt in
relationship or we are woundedin relationship and so we must
heal in relationship.
And I think there can be truthto that for sure.
(07:14):
You know, this concept of acorrective experience that's
essentially meaning that.
If I have had an experience ormany experiences in the past of,
for example, speaking up aboutmy needs and someone turning
away from that.
So whether they say oh, do wehave to talk about this again?
Or, oh, gimme a break.
(07:35):
I can't believe you know.
All of those things that feelreally invalidating and
dismissive, and then lead me toreinforce this internal story of
I'm not allowed to have needsbecause if and when I voice my
needs or concerns, that leads tothe loss of connection and that
is not a price I'm willing topay.
That's a really deeply ingrainedstory and experience that I
(07:55):
might have, and I can do so muchwork on that on my own.
But until I have an experiencethat tells another story that
actually I voice and need andsomeone receives it with love
and care and that kind ofingrains in my system as.
An alternative possibility.
(08:16):
And I think certain things weneed to learn through experience
rather than through theory.
That is super valuable.
And so this idea that there arecertain things that will only
really land in our system in thecontext of a healing
relationship container.
I think that there is somewisdom to that and there is some
truth to that, but then we canalso look at.
(08:37):
Other things that say, you haveto love yourself before someone
else will love you, which iscompletely opposite, right?
That saying that, you've gottabasically deal with all of your
self-esteem, and self-worthstuff and heal your inner
relationship before you can getinto a relationship with someone
else that's going to be thatway.
And while I don't reallysubscribe to that view of you
(08:57):
need to love yourself first,because I think that's setting
the bar pretty high.
I do think that there isvalidity and value in the idea
of focusing on our innerrelationship, particularly as
people who struggle with anxiousattachment, because the inner
relationship tends to be veryunderdeveloped.
We are so focused on the otherperson that we tend to not
(09:19):
really know who we are, and wetend not to have very high
self-esteem, and we tend not tobe very good at, really grounded
and embodied self-advocacy.
All of these things that allowus to go to relationships.
On a firm and level footing asour embodied adult self and give
(09:39):
and receive the kind of lovethat is conducive to those
healing corrective experiences.
I think there's truth in that aswell.
And so there's wisdom in thisidea of focusing on the self
first.
So all of that to say like,You're gonna hear people say one
thing, you're gonna hear peoplesay another, and it's not trying
to figure out like who's rightand who's wrong.
It's what's the wisdom in eachof these things?
What's the nuance and can I havethe discernment to figure out,
(10:02):
what is it that I might need?
In light of where I'm at or whatis it that I can take from the
season that I'm in what's themost helpful and supportive
thing for me to focus on Ratherthan feeling like I need to fit
my life and my relationshipstatus into some sort of mold so
that I can do the healing work.
So with that being said, let'stalk a little bit more about the
(10:25):
gifts and the limitations ofhealing while single.
So as I was just saying, foranxiously attached people in
particular.
That self piece tends to be thecrux of the work.
And so whether you are single orin a relationship, my advice
will always be focus onyourself.
And I think that when we aresingle, that has the advantage
(10:46):
of there being more space.
You know, you have the luxury ofreal selfishness when you're
single.
I was giving advice to someonein my healing anxious attachment
course the other day who'd justbeen out of a breakup and saying
what if this was an opportunityto go all in on yourself, even
for three months, right?
What's three months in thescheme of your life?
(11:07):
What would it be like to betotally self-centered in the
best possible way.
Like really make your life allabout you without the
distraction of focusing onsomeone else and what they need
and what they're thinking andwhen they're gonna be available.
What would it be like to notrush back onto the apps or feel
like you need to be hunting forthe next thing?
Like, how can I make my life sototally about me and what feels
(11:31):
nourishing to me and to reallygo in on my vitality and my joy
and my sense of aliveness.
And I think that that is reallyin my mind, the great gift of
doing this work while single,particularly if you are someone
who has historically tended tofocus on the other person and
(11:51):
what they think and want andneed and prefer, and what will
suit them and their conveniencelike.
Reorienting that back ontoyourself might be uncomfortable.
You might not be accustomed toreceiving that much attention,
even if it's just from yourself,but there's huge growth in
creating a life that is sofulfilling and so nourishing and
(12:14):
totally about you.
So I think that doing that inconjunction with doing some of
that deeper and sometimesheavier work around
understanding your wounds andthe things that you've carried
and the grief that might comewith that, and all of those,
layers of emotional unravelingthat we have to do sometimes
(12:36):
when we're turning towards thiswork.
I think doing that when you havea lot of time and space when
you're not distracted and beingpulled into your old patterns
that tend to be relational innature when you're not coming
into contact with day-to-daytriggers in the way that you
might be if you were casuallydating or in a relationship, I
(12:57):
think that can be reallyfruitful.
And that can be, as I said, abeautiful season to devote to
yourself.
Some of the limitations of doingthat work while single.
It's kind of the other side ofthe coin, you're not gonna be
triggered as much.
And there can be real gifts inour triggers because they bring
us into contact with things thatstill need our attention.
(13:18):
And so while it's notnecessarily helpful to be like
triggered all day, every day,and we'll come to that in a
moment when we talk about therelationship piece, if we just
create a little bubble thatfeels like Cloud nine while that
can be really supportive for aperiod it might allow us to
skate over the surface andcreate this illusion of look at
(13:39):
me.
I'm all healed now.
And then what I will often hearfrom people who maybe fall into
that pattern and get a littletoo comfy there is that.
Then they start dating andthey're like, oh, I thought I
was healed.
But look at me.
I started chatting with someoneon, a hinge and I'm an absolute
mess four days into chattingwith them.
'cause I think they're pullingaway.
(13:59):
So I guess I'm not healed atall.
And we swing back into this,shaming thing of, I thought I
was fixed, it turns out I'mstill broken.
I guess I'm never gonna behealed.
And that's not a very helpfulloop to go into.
I think we wanna find thebalance and have really honest
and healthy expectations aroundit.
Like I'm devoting this season tomy healing, to my growth and
(14:21):
allowing myself to really.
Relish, the, the sweetselfishness that can come with
being single.
While not letting that be anecho chamber or, wrapping
ourselves in cotton wool andpushing away anything and
everything that might disturbthe pristine piece of our
(14:41):
singleness.
Assuming that you do eventuallywanna be in a relationship.
I think knowing that there willbe a time that will come when
you will reenter that arena andit will challenge you having
that not only as a possibilitybut an expectation.
Like, I expect that I willabsolutely be triggered if and
when I start dating again.
(15:02):
I think that's a healthy way toapproach it, because that is
reality.
You will be And it's not aboutnever getting triggered again,
it's realizing that I am goingto arrive at those moments of
trigger.
As a new version of myself withdifferent skills and tools and
awareness and capacity, and thatis my opportunity to put all of
this work that I've been doingwhile single into practice.
(15:24):
So it's not like I'm doing thework while single, so that in my
next relationship I never haveto feel triggered again.
That's not realistic, and you'regonna feel defeated and confused
if that's your expectation.
But realizing I'm using thistime to practice and to.
Upskill and build my capacity sothat I can take a different
(15:46):
version of me to that nextchapter.
Okay, so let's shift now totalking about doing this work
while in a relationship.
Now, I think the advantages ofdoing this work in a
relationship are that that'sreal life.
If you're someone who desireslong-term partnership and you
(16:06):
are doing this work while inlong-term partnership or even,
medium short-term partnership.
That's the arena, right?
That's what we're doing it for.
It's all well and good topractice, to train, but I always
say to my students and myclients like relationships.
That's real life.
That's game day, right?
That's what we're doing it for.
And so.
(16:26):
Not holding ourselves back from.
Real life from getting messy andallowing ourselves to be
vulnerable, to take risks and tohopefully have new experiences
as a result of the work thatwe're doing.
That's gold, right?
And it's not always gonna becomfortable.
It's not always gonna be easy orseamless.
(16:48):
But that is, so much of whatwe're doing it for is so that we
can ebb and flow in real liferelationships because that's not
all within our control, right?
It's nice to think of it all interms of a video or a worksheet
or a podcast or a whatever, anice script of how it's gonna
go.
But there's nothing reallyvulnerable about that.
(17:09):
And it's only when we actuallyshow up, face to face with a
person.
Who we love and care about, andthe stakes are high and it's
real life.
That is a huge opportunity andit might scare the shit out of
you.
And that makes sense if it doesbecause it is real and stakes
are high.
But that's, that's what it's allabout, right?
(17:29):
That's where we put ourselves onthe line for that because we
care and we love and that's whatwe're all doing it for.
So I think that the realityfactor, the mess of it all, the
vulnerability is a hugeopportunity to build deep
intimacy.
Because being really seen andattuned to, and feeling
understood when we reveal partsof ourselves that maybe we've
(17:53):
never shown anyone or, we'reafraid or unlovable those
experiences can be very deeplyhealing.
And.
I think oftentimes it's onlythrough the process of rupture
and repair and speaking ourneeds and voicing fears or
concerns or setting boundaries.
These bumps in the road are veryfruitful in terms of deepening
(18:16):
our relationships.
And so I think when you're doingthis work and you're showing up
to your relationship differentlyand showing up to those hard
moments with more capacity tohave those corrective
experiences that.
That show your system anotherway is possible that can be
incredibly valuable and reallycatapult your growth and the
(18:36):
evolution of your relationshipinto something deeper and more
connected.
Now I think the flip side ofthat is that if the relationship
lacks the emotional safety.
That is needed to have thosepositive experiences, then
there's every chance that youwill just continue to trigger
the hell out of each other, andmaybe one or both of you lack
(19:02):
the tools awareness capacity toengage in meaningful repair,
such that you're just gettingtriggered all the time and
nothing's actually being done totend to those wounds.
So if you're just in the arenaall the time, getting pummeled,
obviously, not literally, butalways being triggered, always
(19:23):
on edge, always in hypervigilance and high conflict.
Like I don't think that's.
A healing container.
And I think we have to be reallyhonest and discerning about is
there anything about thisdynamic or environment that is
actually conducive to, thebuilding of trust and emotional
safety.
(19:44):
And if that's not the case, thenyou may be compromising your
ability To grow and to buildmore security within yourself.
If you're in a relationaldynamic that is reinforcing all
of those wounds and you're stillcollecting evidence every day
that relationships are unsafe,that people don't care about me,
(20:05):
that I'm always trying hard,like.
We wanna be doing the oppositeof that.
We wanna be collecting newevidence for new stories.
And so if your relationship isproviding evidence for the old
stories all day, every day, andyou're always on edge and always
stressed then I don't know thatthat's going to be supportive of
your growth and it mightactually be keeping you stuck in
the cycles and the patterns thatyou're trying to shift away
(20:28):
from.
I guess the other thing thatI'll just add onto that is.
We don't tend to grow or learnor reflect or integrate when
we're in a constant state ofstress and dysregulation.
That's just not really how itworks.
And so we do need that baselinelevel of safety.
It doesn't have to be perfectbut if you are like seriously
(20:52):
dysregulated all the time,walking on eggshells fighting
you're not really gonna be in areflective mode.
You're not gonna have thebandwidth or the capacity to
take those risks, to bevulnerable, to be openhearted
because you're so locked inpatterns of, threat detection
and self-protection that again,are not really conducive to
(21:14):
that.
Loving, connected, openheartedness, that's really gonna
take you to that securerelationship place.
Okay.
So with all of that being said,I suppose I just wanna emphasize
that, healing.
And healing anxious attachmentin particular.
There's a big self piece.
There's a big relational piece,and really finding a way to
(21:36):
weave those together is what isgoing to allow you to.
Integrate everything that you'relearning, the self-awareness
that you're developing, the newskills that you're building, the
nervous system capacity, all ofthose pieces come together and
it's being woven together inthis tapestry.
So it's not like I need to doone thing and not the other, or
(21:58):
I need to do this and not that.
There will be different parts ofthe work in different seasons,
and I think that, no matterwhere you are in life.
There are opportunities for youto turn inward to reflect, to
grow, to get curious, to becompassionate.
There's no perfect formula forhealing because it's not a neat
(22:21):
linear journey with a start andan end point, and that you're
somehow behind or on the wrongtrack if you are where you are
instead of somewhere else.
Okay?
So it's really so much lessabout your relationship status.
And more about your innerorientation to the work, and the
place that you're approaching itand yourself from.
(22:41):
So if you're avoidingrelationships to stay
comfortable.
And from this place of, I don'ttrust myself to date again,
because I'm gonna go back intoall of my old patterns and I've
been feeling so good.
So I can't start dating again.
That's.
That's not security, right?
That's fear.
Or from the other place going.
I can't leave my relationshipeven though it's driving me
(23:02):
crazy and I'm so unhappy all thetime because I dunno what I'd do
without it.
We've gotta ask where am Iasking the question from?
What's going on within me?
What am I afraid of and can Ibuild enough self trust that
it's okay, I can release thegrip, I can, just surrender a
little to the unfolding ofthings and keep turning towards
(23:24):
myself at every step of the wayand asking these.
Fundamental questions of what'sgoing on for me?
How am I feeling?
What do I need?
How could I best support myself?
That's really the crux of it.
It's not rigid, it's notformulaic.
It's all about that innerrelationship and how we relate
to ourselves, to others and tolife as a whole.
So I hope that's been helpful nomatter where you are on that
(23:46):
spectrum.
And as I said at the start,definitely check out my new free
training.
If what I've shared today hasresonated with you, I promise
you'll get a lot out of it andI'd really love for you to check
it out.
Otherwise, thank you so much forjoining me and I look forward to
seeing you again next week.
Thanks guys.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On
Attachment.
If you wanna go deeper on allthings, attachment, love, and
relationships, you can find meon Instagram at Stephanie under
Reig or@stephanierigg.com.
And if you enjoyed this episode,I'd be so grateful if you could
leave a review on a five starrating.
It really does help so much.
Thanks again for being here, andI hope to see you again soon.
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