May 16, 2025 • 20 mins
Feeling stuck in your relationship? Like things are off, disconnected, or just… heavy? You're not alone. Relationship ruts are common — and they're often more about what's bleeding into the relationship (stress, burnout, life overload) than about the relationship itself.
For those in anxious-avoidant dynamics, these ruts can feel especially charged. The anxious partner often wants to fix it, while the avoidant may feel overwhelmed or pressured — leading to even more distance.
In this episode, I share 3 powerful shifts to help you move out of a rut and back into connection:
- Shift your focus to what is working — Appreciation and warmth go further than criticism.
- Reconnect through something light — Play, fun, and novelty can do what words sometimes can’t.
- Tend to your own world — Reclaim your centre so the relationship doesn’t carry the full weight of your wellbeing.
Highlighted Links
- Join the 28-Day Secure Self Challenge
- FREE TRAINING: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love
- Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
- September 2025 London Event Waitlist
Additional Resources
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:29):
Hey everybody.
Welcome back to another episodeof On Attachment.
In today's episode, we aretalking about how to shift out
of a relationship rut.
So if you've been in a period inyour relationship where things
are feeling tense or strained,where you feel disconnected,
maybe you're fighting more thanusual.
things are just feeling off andyou feel that all of your
(00:52):
attempts at solving that, atreestablishing connection, at
talking about whatever's goingon, it's all falling flat and
maybe it's actually makingthings worse rather than better.
And I think that when we findourselves in that, whether it's
a short term rut or a really,really long term one, we can
feel really powerless.
We can feel at a loss on how toshift things.
(01:16):
And oftentimes even though we'reusing all of our tools and we're
giving so much energy andattention to the relationship,
nothing seems to be moving thedial.
And that can be reallyfrustrating and confusing and
can leave us doubting therelationship overall feeling
like, is it always gonna be likethis?
Am I always gonna feel as lonelyas I do right now?
(01:38):
Because I think when we're in arelationship rut, we typically
feel really lonely because we'veturned our backs on each other
and that disconnection isreally, really challenging.
So I'm gonna be sharing somethoughts today on how you can
navigate that if that'ssomething that you're in right
now.
Or maybe it's just somethingyou've been in before and you'd
like to reflect on what youmight have done differently so
(02:01):
that the next time you come upagainst this in the future,
you're better prepared.
And I think it's important toname that.
We'll all go through periods ofdisconnection in relationships,
in long-term relationships,expecting that it will be smooth
sailing.
Connection and ease 100% of thetime is totally unrealistic.
(02:22):
So I think that it is somethingthat's going to affect all of us
sooner or later.
And again, having realisticexpectations around that and
having different ways of lookingat it can really help us to
approach it in the best waypossible.
So that's what we're gonna betalking about today.
Before I dive into that, just toremind, I know I've been sharing
(02:44):
about this the past few weeks,but for anyone who hasn't yet
heard me talk about it or signedup for my new free training, how
to Heal Anxious Attachment andfinally Feel Secure in Life and
Love, I would love for you tocheck it out it is a 75 minute
training.
It's totally free.
And it's all about the processfor healing anxious attachment.
So I share the methodology thatI've taught to thousands of
(03:07):
people I share some commonblocks to healing.
So many anxiously attached.
People work so hard at trying tofix themselves, right?
And read all the books, andlisten to all the podcasts and
do all of the things, and stillfeel this sense of.
Brokenness, like I'm trying sohard and nothing's working.
And I think that can be reallydemoralizing and can really
(03:28):
bruise our confidence around ourability to, to heal and grow.
So I speak to that and somereasons why you might be stuck
despite all the work you've beendoing.
And I also speak to a reallycommon.
Question, which is, how do Iknow if my dissatisfaction or
the struggles that I'm coming upagainst in my relationship, how
do I know if these things arejust my anxious attachment or,
(03:52):
just a product of my anxiety orwhether anyone would take issue
with these things.
So like, is the problem with mypartner and the way they're
behaving or my perception of theway they're behaving?
And I speak to some specificsigns of this is objectively not
great behavior while alsotalking about how to build your
(04:12):
own self-trust and discernmentso that you don't have to
outsource that judgment so muchof the time.
So all of that is included inthis free training.
As I said, we'd love for you toregister.
I think we've had a couple ofthousand people go through it
now and it's gotten some really,really beautiful feedback.
The link to that is in the shownotes.
You can also head straight to mywebsite, stephanie rig.com or
you can come find me onInstagram and it's all linked
(04:32):
there as well.
Okay, so let's talk about this,how to shift out of our
relationship rut.
Now, as I said in theintroduction, relationship ruts
are really, really normal.
And so much of the time.
Our relationship will reflectall of the other stuff that's
going on in life.
It will be a sponge for stressesthat we're experiencing with
(04:56):
work or other relationships,maybe, broader family dynamics
or kids or, you know, so manyother things that, our
relationship becomes thecontainer for so much of our
emotional landscape.
And so if we are feeling.
Totally strung out andoverwhelmed and way beyond our
(05:18):
capacity overextended, then theway we're showing up to our
relationship is probably goingto reflect that and depending on
whether you are more anxious ormore avoidant in your attachment
patterns.
The way that you show up to arelationship in times of stress
is going to be different.
So for someone who's moreanxious in times of stress,
you're probably going to requiremore connection and you're gonna
(05:41):
really lean on your relationshipto provide relief from all of
that stress.
Whereas if you're more avoidantduring times of stress, you're
likely to turn inward and pullaway from a relationship.
Because a relationship for a lotof avoidant people can take
energy from them rather thangive them energy so recognizing
that it might not be primarilyabout the relationship it might
(06:04):
just be a reflection of whatelse is going on, what are the
broader conditions surroundingour relationship and our lives
at the moment that might be thenbleeding into the way we're
showing up to and feeling aboutthe relationship.
Now I think where it can gettricky is what we make that
mean.
So again, if you're more anxiousand your partner is experiencing
(06:24):
stress and that's leading themto pull away or withdraw
whatever, then the meaning thatyou apply to that is often
catastrophic.
We make that wrong and weexperience it as being very
threatening to our sense ofsafety, because for us,
connection equals safety and sodisconnection or a change in the
(06:45):
temperature of connection or afeeling that we can't really
reach our partner, that there'sstuff that they're holding back.
All of that registers is reallyalarming to our system, and
that's really hard.
And so we might then.
Push and try and get closer and,try and pull them back from this
place of, distance that they'reoccupying.
(07:07):
And often that will be receivedby them as unwelcome pressure
or, you trying to control orfeeling judged or all of these
other things that can lead themfurther into their withdrawal.
And so whether the dynamics inthe relationship are arising
from external stresses orstresses within the
relationship.
And I think that is anothersource of relationship rut is
(07:31):
feeling like there are unmetneeds within the relationship,
and the focus of therelationship becomes about
what's wrong.
Again, this is a very commonpattern in anxious avoidant
dynamics where the anxiouspartner's preoccupation with
fixing what is wrong in therelationship, which tends to be
a very proactive strategy of weneed to make sure that
(07:53):
everything is perfect and thatthere's no little cracks at all
because all of that feels like aprecursor to the relationship
unraveling, and that feels soterrifying to me.
So we've gotta really stay ontop of all the things that are
wrong and unsatisfactory, right?
But what that creates is.
A relational space where we aretalking about all of the things
that aren't working.
A lot of the time, we're givingso much airtime to that, that
(08:16):
for someone with more avoidantpatterns, it tends to land as
really demoralizing.
And the thing you'll hear overand over again from people with
avoidant patterns is you arealways upset about something.
What's the point?
Like no matter what I do ordon't do, or say or don't say.
There's always something andthat feels really exhausting and
(08:37):
really uninspiring and reallyunmotivating.
And I think that can lead usinto these relationship ruts and
keep us there because when we'rein a relationship rut, guess
what?
Anxiously attached people wannasolve it.
And so want to keep talkingabout the fact that we're in a
relationship rut.
And again, for someone with moreavoidant patterns who might have
the belief, which, we can have adifferent conversation about
(09:00):
whether this is a helpful orrealistic belief, but we'll
often have the belief that likerelationships shouldn't be this
hard.
If it's this much work all thetime, then like maybe this just
isn't the right relationship.
Your respective capacities forworking on a relationship are
wildly different if one of youis anxious and one is avoidant.
So recognizing that you arecoming at that from different
(09:22):
places and when you're in thatplace of disconnection that your
idea of how to solve that iswildly different and the anxious
partner's gonna want to go headon and like, let's sit down on
the couch and talk about itagain, even though we've talked
about it and not gottenanywhere.
Let's just keep going.
Because at least when we'readdressing it, it feels like
(09:43):
we're doing something about it.
And anxious partners will alwaysfavor like action and
mobilization on an issue ratherthan turning away from it, which
is a more avoidant response.
So I.
What do we do with all of that?
If you're listening and you'relike, yes, being there, or maybe
I'm there at the moment, thisfeels very familiar.
And I think what can often bechallenging is even as we're
(10:04):
doing it, particularly as themore anxious partner, like you
probably know, it's noteffective, right?
That you're not really makingany headway with that strategy
of just continuing to push inthe face of someone's
disengagement and someone'spulling away and yet.
The alternative of Do nothingfeels impossible because that
feels like you're just allowingthings to go from bad to worse
(10:27):
and worse to even worse.
And is it always gonna be thisbad?
Are we just gonna ride this waveinto disconnection forever and
ever?
That feels intolerable as anoption.
And so we keep doing the thingthat isn't working, which is
pushing.
So I guess what I want to offerto you is a different approach,
which is not just follow myinstincts to keep pushing and
(10:48):
keep talking about therelationship and keep having
these long, drawn outconversations about all the
things that are wrong and all ofthe ways that my needs are going
unmet.
And also isn't just do nothingand ignore the problem and sweep
it under the rug becauseobviously neither of those
things are effective.
I think we, again, we know this,we know this from experience,
that neither of those thingssolve the underlying problem.
(11:10):
So a couple of things that Iwanna suggest, and these are
really, I hope, actionable andrelatively straightforward.
One is reorient your focus towhat is good and working and
what you appreciate and aregrateful for about your partner,
about the relationship.
Create a relational environmentthat is positive.
(11:33):
Now you might have someresistance to that.
You might be like how can I justignore all of the ways that
they're blah, blah, blah, notmeeting my needs and all of the
things that are unsatisfactory.
Isn't that just, I just want youto pause on that and trust me
when I say that being generouswith your appreciation and
consciously orienting yourselfaway from all of that negative
(11:54):
stuff towards the positive, youare not gonna lose anything by
doing that.
Okay.
Reassure your anxious parts thatdon't wanna let go of the
problem for fear that it's justgonna get bigger.
That the thing that we've beentrying hasn't been working, so
can we just try this differentthing?
Because the reality is thatblame and shame and negativity
(12:16):
is not inspiring.
It does not inspire change inthe vast majority of people.
And even though we think like wejust have to keep explaining
ourselves to our partner untilthey finally get it and
magically start doing thingsdifferently, actually, people
tend to be inspired andparticularly avoidant people
tend to be inspired by feelinglike they're doing a good job.
(12:36):
That brings people to the tablefar more than being told like,
you are disappointing me againand you're not meeting my needs.
Think about if you were workinga job and your boss sat you down
once a week to tell you all ofthe things that you were still
doing wrong, despite your bestefforts, or that all of the new
(12:56):
problems that you didn't realizewere there with the way that you
were performing your role andnot really giving much airtime
to all of the things that you dodo and all of the ways that you
are reliable or whatever.
You get the point, right?
Your job satisfaction would bereally, really low and you'd
maybe be thinking about, shouldI just get a different job?
(13:17):
'cause this I feel defeated andlike I'm just not being
recognized here.
Whereas if you had a boss whowas really encouraging and who
did see and recognize and voiceappreciation for your efforts
and all of the things that youdo well, like that's a job that
you want to show up to andcontinue to work hard at because
it feels like a worthyinvestment of your time.
(13:39):
I want you to apply that samesort of framework to your
relationship.
And it sounds kind of obviouswhen we take it out of that
context and, and put it into onethat we're maybe more familiar
with around job performance.
But often a lot of us by defaultdo just focus on everything
that's wrong and disappointingand frustrating, and we expect
our partner to be encouraged orinspired by that.
So try and really spend, even ifit's just for the next two
(14:02):
weeks, run a little experimentwhere I'm not gonna focus on the
negatives.
I'm not gonna focus on what'swrong or what's missing.
I'm just going to be really,really generous with my warmth,
my kindness, my gratitude, myappreciation my recognition of
effort my recognition of all thethings my partner does.
(14:23):
Just run the experiment and seewhat happens.
You might be really surprised atthe positive ripple effect that
that has in totally shifting theheavy negative tone that your
relationship is characterized byat the moment.
Okay.
My next piece of advice is findways to connect that are not
emotionally dense and heavy.
So if you've been doing a lot ofsitting down and having long
(14:45):
drawn out conversations forthree hours about unmet needs,
and you both end up coming outof those conversations feeling
defeated and unsatisfied'causeyou didn't get what you wanted
out of it and you don't actuallyfeel.
That encouraged or you maybedon't believe that anything's
gonna change and it all feelslike a big waste of time and
energy it can be really, reallyhelpful to spend time together
(15:09):
in collaboration in fun, inplay, in lightness, in novelty.
So maybe you decide to shakethings up and plan to go for a
hike or something next weekend,if that's not something you
might usually do, or you mightfind that there's a festival on
that you could go to or acooking class that you could do
(15:30):
together, or something out ofthe ordinary that feels light
and fun and connective that canbreathe some life into the
relationship and be a bit of areprieve from all of the
seriousness and the heaviness.
It's not about turning away fromor ignoring or dismissing or
sweeping under the rug all ofthe things that might need your
(15:51):
attention.
But again, like those thingsaren't going anywhere, right?
Our anxious parts want to justkeep bringing those things back
to center stage for fear thatthey're gonna go ignored.
But I think we need to remindourselves zoom out.
It's okay.
We can afford to have some fun.
Okay.
We don't need to be talkingabout the serious stuff 100% of
the time.
How might we breathe?
(16:12):
Some different energy into therelational space just so we can
see what happens.
Because I think oftentimes whenwe do that, we can remind
ourselves like, oh yeah, I lovethis person.
We do have a beautifulrelationship.
We do work well together as ateam.
We do have fun together.
And being reminded of that, notjust in theory, but through
experience, can be a reallypositive way to shift out of a
(16:35):
rut if that's where you've beenstuck.
And the third piece of advicethat I wanna give you if you're
in this space and this ishelpful for everyone, but
particularly if you feel likethose first two options require
a level of cooperation from yourpartner that you're not sure
you're gonna get.
So if things are really feelingvery strained and maybe you are
hardly talking to your partneror they're really blocking any
(16:57):
attempts at connection anysuggestions you might have on
let's go do this fun thing.
And they're not reallyinterested at all.
And that's leaving you feeling abit helpless, like your hands
are tired.
Then I think always good adviceis focus on yourself.
And if you've been listening tothis podcast for a long time,
you'd know that I always comeback to this am I focusing on my
(17:18):
own wellbeing, my own vitality,my own sense of fulfillment?
All of those things can fall bythe wayside when we are feeling
stressed in our relationship andwe can really just get so laser
focused on.
Again, trying to fix what'sbroken.
Trying to get our partner tocome to the table, trying to get
them to show up differently sothat we feel better and we
(17:41):
really lose sight of our agencyand the things that we do have
control over.
And so if things are feelingreally hard and really sticky in
your relationship, they can behuge value in actually just
shifting your focus away fromthe relationship altogether and
going okay.
Things have felt hard recently.
What do I need?
Not what do I need them to do soI feel better?
(18:01):
What do I need that I can giveto myself?
How can I best support mywellbeing during this time?
How can I really dial up my owninner relationship the way that
I'm showing up so that I'm notgetting bogged down in the
heaviness that I'm feeling in myrelationship at the moment?
(18:21):
Now, of course, easier said thandone.
If things feel really hard, ofcourse we're gonna be affected
by that.
But I think the more that we canconsciously orient ourselves
back to supporting our ownwellbeing that can really shift
our relationship because itdifferentiates us from our
relationship.
It creates this sense ofseparateness and we don't have
this same experience of beingenmeshed in the dynamics of our
(18:45):
relationship.
We can draw a line and say like,yes, that's happening over
there.
Yes, that's feeling hard, andI'm gonna take responsibility
for my own happiness, my ownwellbeing as much as I possibly
can.
So what is within my controlhere?
How can I take steps towardssupporting that for myself
rather than just feelingpowerless and kind of swirling
(19:08):
around in that and going,everything sucks because my
relationship feels hard at themoment.
Okay.
So I hope that that's beenhelpful.
If you're in this at the moment,sending you so much love.
I know that it's hard.
As I said, it happens to all ofus.
It's still, from time to timeJoel and I'll experience a
season of disconnection and itfeels hard and it feels sticky.
And these are the same toolsthat I come back to time and
(19:29):
time again.
And inevitably the storm passesconnection returns.
And I think that the more we cankeep a.
Somewhat level head about it,rather than spiraling into those
protective strategies that maybeactually do the opposite of what
we're wanting.
We employ those strategies totry and grab hold of the
connection and force it, and itactually can drive it further
(19:51):
away.
So, zooming out, remindingourselves of the big picture of
our relationship, what we cancontrol all of that tends to
help us get through that periodrelatively unscathed, even if it
is challenging.
So sending you lots of love.
Hope that's been helpful and Ilook forward to seeing you again
next week.
Thanks guys,
Hey everybody.
Welcome back to another episodeof On Attachment.
In today's episode, we aretalking about how to shift out
of a relationship rut.
So if you've been in a period inyour relationship where things
are feeling tense or strained,where you feel disconnected,
maybe you're fighting more thanusual.
things are just feeling off andyou feel that all of your
(00:52):
attempts at solving that, atreestablishing connection, at
talking about whatever's goingon, it's all falling flat and
maybe it's actually makingthings worse rather than better.
And I think that when we findourselves in that, whether it's
a short term rut or a really,really long term one, we can
feel really powerless.
We can feel at a loss on how toshift things.
(01:16):
And oftentimes even though we'reusing all of our tools and we're
giving so much energy andattention to the relationship,
nothing seems to be moving thedial.
And that can be reallyfrustrating and confusing and
can leave us doubting therelationship overall feeling
like, is it always gonna be likethis?
Am I always gonna feel as lonelyas I do right now?
(01:38):
Because I think when we're in arelationship rut, we typically
feel really lonely because we'veturned our backs on each other
and that disconnection isreally, really challenging.
So I'm gonna be sharing somethoughts today on how you can
navigate that if that'ssomething that you're in right
now.
Or maybe it's just somethingyou've been in before and you'd
like to reflect on what youmight have done differently so
(02:01):
that the next time you come upagainst this in the future,
you're better prepared.
And I think it's important toname that.
We'll all go through periods ofdisconnection in relationships,
in long-term relationships,expecting that it will be smooth
sailing.
Connection and ease 100% of thetime is totally unrealistic.
(02:22):
So I think that it is somethingthat's going to affect all of us
sooner or later.
And again, having realisticexpectations around that and
having different ways of lookingat it can really help us to
approach it in the best waypossible.
So that's what we're gonna betalking about today.
Before I dive into that, just toremind, I know I've been sharing
(02:44):
about this the past few weeks,but for anyone who hasn't yet
heard me talk about it or signedup for my new free training, how
to Heal Anxious Attachment andfinally Feel Secure in Life and
Love, I would love for you tocheck it out it is a 75 minute
training.
It's totally free.
And it's all about the processfor healing anxious attachment.
So I share the methodology thatI've taught to thousands of
(03:07):
people I share some commonblocks to healing.
So many anxiously attached.
People work so hard at trying tofix themselves, right?
And read all the books, andlisten to all the podcasts and
do all of the things, and stillfeel this sense of.
Brokenness, like I'm trying sohard and nothing's working.
And I think that can be reallydemoralizing and can really
(03:28):
bruise our confidence around ourability to, to heal and grow.
So I speak to that and somereasons why you might be stuck
despite all the work you've beendoing.
And I also speak to a reallycommon.
Question, which is, how do Iknow if my dissatisfaction or
the struggles that I'm coming upagainst in my relationship, how
do I know if these things arejust my anxious attachment or,
(03:52):
just a product of my anxiety orwhether anyone would take issue
with these things.
So like, is the problem with mypartner and the way they're
behaving or my perception of theway they're behaving?
And I speak to some specificsigns of this is objectively not
great behavior while alsotalking about how to build your
(04:12):
own self-trust and discernmentso that you don't have to
outsource that judgment so muchof the time.
So all of that is included inthis free training.
As I said, we'd love for you toregister.
I think we've had a couple ofthousand people go through it
now and it's gotten some really,really beautiful feedback.
The link to that is in the shownotes.
You can also head straight to mywebsite, stephanie rig.com or
you can come find me onInstagram and it's all linked
(04:32):
there as well.
Okay, so let's talk about this,how to shift out of our
relationship rut.
Now, as I said in theintroduction, relationship ruts
are really, really normal.
And so much of the time.
Our relationship will reflectall of the other stuff that's
going on in life.
It will be a sponge for stressesthat we're experiencing with
(04:56):
work or other relationships,maybe, broader family dynamics
or kids or, you know, so manyother things that, our
relationship becomes thecontainer for so much of our
emotional landscape.
And so if we are feeling.
Totally strung out andoverwhelmed and way beyond our
(05:18):
capacity overextended, then theway we're showing up to our
relationship is probably goingto reflect that and depending on
whether you are more anxious ormore avoidant in your attachment
patterns.
The way that you show up to arelationship in times of stress
is going to be different.
So for someone who's moreanxious in times of stress,
you're probably going to requiremore connection and you're gonna
(05:41):
really lean on your relationshipto provide relief from all of
that stress.
Whereas if you're more avoidantduring times of stress, you're
likely to turn inward and pullaway from a relationship.
Because a relationship for a lotof avoidant people can take
energy from them rather thangive them energy so recognizing
that it might not be primarilyabout the relationship it might
(06:04):
just be a reflection of whatelse is going on, what are the
broader conditions surroundingour relationship and our lives
at the moment that might be thenbleeding into the way we're
showing up to and feeling aboutthe relationship.
Now I think where it can gettricky is what we make that
mean.
So again, if you're more anxiousand your partner is experiencing
(06:24):
stress and that's leading themto pull away or withdraw
whatever, then the meaning thatyou apply to that is often
catastrophic.
We make that wrong and weexperience it as being very
threatening to our sense ofsafety, because for us,
connection equals safety and sodisconnection or a change in the
(06:45):
temperature of connection or afeeling that we can't really
reach our partner, that there'sstuff that they're holding back.
All of that registers is reallyalarming to our system, and
that's really hard.
And so we might then.
Push and try and get closer and,try and pull them back from this
place of, distance that they'reoccupying.
(07:07):
And often that will be receivedby them as unwelcome pressure
or, you trying to control orfeeling judged or all of these
other things that can lead themfurther into their withdrawal.
And so whether the dynamics inthe relationship are arising
from external stresses orstresses within the
relationship.
And I think that is anothersource of relationship rut is
(07:31):
feeling like there are unmetneeds within the relationship,
and the focus of therelationship becomes about
what's wrong.
Again, this is a very commonpattern in anxious avoidant
dynamics where the anxiouspartner's preoccupation with
fixing what is wrong in therelationship, which tends to be
a very proactive strategy of weneed to make sure that
(07:53):
everything is perfect and thatthere's no little cracks at all
because all of that feels like aprecursor to the relationship
unraveling, and that feels soterrifying to me.
So we've gotta really stay ontop of all the things that are
wrong and unsatisfactory, right?
But what that creates is.
A relational space where we aretalking about all of the things
that aren't working.
A lot of the time, we're givingso much airtime to that, that
(08:16):
for someone with more avoidantpatterns, it tends to land as
really demoralizing.
And the thing you'll hear overand over again from people with
avoidant patterns is you arealways upset about something.
What's the point?
Like no matter what I do ordon't do, or say or don't say.
There's always something andthat feels really exhausting and
(08:37):
really uninspiring and reallyunmotivating.
And I think that can lead usinto these relationship ruts and
keep us there because when we'rein a relationship rut, guess
what?
Anxiously attached people wannasolve it.
And so want to keep talkingabout the fact that we're in a
relationship rut.
And again, for someone with moreavoidant patterns who might have
the belief, which, we can have adifferent conversation about
(09:00):
whether this is a helpful orrealistic belief, but we'll
often have the belief that likerelationships shouldn't be this
hard.
If it's this much work all thetime, then like maybe this just
isn't the right relationship.
Your respective capacities forworking on a relationship are
wildly different if one of youis anxious and one is avoidant.
So recognizing that you arecoming at that from different
(09:22):
places and when you're in thatplace of disconnection that your
idea of how to solve that iswildly different and the anxious
partner's gonna want to go headon and like, let's sit down on
the couch and talk about itagain, even though we've talked
about it and not gottenanywhere.
Let's just keep going.
Because at least when we'readdressing it, it feels like
(09:43):
we're doing something about it.
And anxious partners will alwaysfavor like action and
mobilization on an issue ratherthan turning away from it, which
is a more avoidant response.
So I.
What do we do with all of that?
If you're listening and you'relike, yes, being there, or maybe
I'm there at the moment, thisfeels very familiar.
And I think what can often bechallenging is even as we're
(10:04):
doing it, particularly as themore anxious partner, like you
probably know, it's noteffective, right?
That you're not really makingany headway with that strategy
of just continuing to push inthe face of someone's
disengagement and someone'spulling away and yet.
The alternative of Do nothingfeels impossible because that
feels like you're just allowingthings to go from bad to worse
(10:27):
and worse to even worse.
And is it always gonna be thisbad?
Are we just gonna ride this waveinto disconnection forever and
ever?
That feels intolerable as anoption.
And so we keep doing the thingthat isn't working, which is
pushing.
So I guess what I want to offerto you is a different approach,
which is not just follow myinstincts to keep pushing and
(10:48):
keep talking about therelationship and keep having
these long, drawn outconversations about all the
things that are wrong and all ofthe ways that my needs are going
unmet.
And also isn't just do nothingand ignore the problem and sweep
it under the rug becauseobviously neither of those
things are effective.
I think we, again, we know this,we know this from experience,
that neither of those thingssolve the underlying problem.
(11:10):
So a couple of things that Iwanna suggest, and these are
really, I hope, actionable andrelatively straightforward.
One is reorient your focus towhat is good and working and
what you appreciate and aregrateful for about your partner,
about the relationship.
Create a relational environmentthat is positive.
(11:33):
Now you might have someresistance to that.
You might be like how can I justignore all of the ways that
they're blah, blah, blah, notmeeting my needs and all of the
things that are unsatisfactory.
Isn't that just, I just want youto pause on that and trust me
when I say that being generouswith your appreciation and
consciously orienting yourselfaway from all of that negative
(11:54):
stuff towards the positive, youare not gonna lose anything by
doing that.
Okay.
Reassure your anxious parts thatdon't wanna let go of the
problem for fear that it's justgonna get bigger.
That the thing that we've beentrying hasn't been working, so
can we just try this differentthing?
Because the reality is thatblame and shame and negativity
(12:16):
is not inspiring.
It does not inspire change inthe vast majority of people.
And even though we think like wejust have to keep explaining
ourselves to our partner untilthey finally get it and
magically start doing thingsdifferently, actually, people
tend to be inspired andparticularly avoidant people
tend to be inspired by feelinglike they're doing a good job.
(12:36):
That brings people to the tablefar more than being told like,
you are disappointing me againand you're not meeting my needs.
Think about if you were workinga job and your boss sat you down
once a week to tell you all ofthe things that you were still
doing wrong, despite your bestefforts, or that all of the new
(12:56):
problems that you didn't realizewere there with the way that you
were performing your role andnot really giving much airtime
to all of the things that you dodo and all of the ways that you
are reliable or whatever.
You get the point, right?
Your job satisfaction would bereally, really low and you'd
maybe be thinking about, shouldI just get a different job?
(13:17):
'cause this I feel defeated andlike I'm just not being
recognized here.
Whereas if you had a boss whowas really encouraging and who
did see and recognize and voiceappreciation for your efforts
and all of the things that youdo well, like that's a job that
you want to show up to andcontinue to work hard at because
it feels like a worthyinvestment of your time.
(13:39):
I want you to apply that samesort of framework to your
relationship.
And it sounds kind of obviouswhen we take it out of that
context and, and put it into onethat we're maybe more familiar
with around job performance.
But often a lot of us by defaultdo just focus on everything
that's wrong and disappointingand frustrating, and we expect
our partner to be encouraged orinspired by that.
So try and really spend, even ifit's just for the next two
(14:02):
weeks, run a little experimentwhere I'm not gonna focus on the
negatives.
I'm not gonna focus on what'swrong or what's missing.
I'm just going to be really,really generous with my warmth,
my kindness, my gratitude, myappreciation my recognition of
effort my recognition of all thethings my partner does.
(14:23):
Just run the experiment and seewhat happens.
You might be really surprised atthe positive ripple effect that
that has in totally shifting theheavy negative tone that your
relationship is characterized byat the moment.
Okay.
My next piece of advice is findways to connect that are not
emotionally dense and heavy.
So if you've been doing a lot ofsitting down and having long
(14:45):
drawn out conversations forthree hours about unmet needs,
and you both end up coming outof those conversations feeling
defeated and unsatisfied'causeyou didn't get what you wanted
out of it and you don't actuallyfeel.
That encouraged or you maybedon't believe that anything's
gonna change and it all feelslike a big waste of time and
energy it can be really, reallyhelpful to spend time together
(15:09):
in collaboration in fun, inplay, in lightness, in novelty.
So maybe you decide to shakethings up and plan to go for a
hike or something next weekend,if that's not something you
might usually do, or you mightfind that there's a festival on
that you could go to or acooking class that you could do
(15:30):
together, or something out ofthe ordinary that feels light
and fun and connective that canbreathe some life into the
relationship and be a bit of areprieve from all of the
seriousness and the heaviness.
It's not about turning away fromor ignoring or dismissing or
sweeping under the rug all ofthe things that might need your
(15:51):
attention.
But again, like those thingsaren't going anywhere, right?
Our anxious parts want to justkeep bringing those things back
to center stage for fear thatthey're gonna go ignored.
But I think we need to remindourselves zoom out.
It's okay.
We can afford to have some fun.
Okay.
We don't need to be talkingabout the serious stuff 100% of
the time.
How might we breathe?
(16:12):
Some different energy into therelational space just so we can
see what happens.
Because I think oftentimes whenwe do that, we can remind
ourselves like, oh yeah, I lovethis person.
We do have a beautifulrelationship.
We do work well together as ateam.
We do have fun together.
And being reminded of that, notjust in theory, but through
experience, can be a reallypositive way to shift out of a
(16:35):
rut if that's where you've beenstuck.
And the third piece of advicethat I wanna give you if you're
in this space and this ishelpful for everyone, but
particularly if you feel likethose first two options require
a level of cooperation from yourpartner that you're not sure
you're gonna get.
So if things are really feelingvery strained and maybe you are
hardly talking to your partneror they're really blocking any
(16:57):
attempts at connection anysuggestions you might have on
let's go do this fun thing.
And they're not reallyinterested at all.
And that's leaving you feeling abit helpless, like your hands
are tired.
Then I think always good adviceis focus on yourself.
And if you've been listening tothis podcast for a long time,
you'd know that I always comeback to this am I focusing on my
(17:18):
own wellbeing, my own vitality,my own sense of fulfillment?
All of those things can fall bythe wayside when we are feeling
stressed in our relationship andwe can really just get so laser
focused on.
Again, trying to fix what'sbroken.
Trying to get our partner tocome to the table, trying to get
them to show up differently sothat we feel better and we
(17:41):
really lose sight of our agencyand the things that we do have
control over.
And so if things are feelingreally hard and really sticky in
your relationship, they can behuge value in actually just
shifting your focus away fromthe relationship altogether and
going okay.
Things have felt hard recently.
What do I need?
Not what do I need them to do soI feel better?
(18:01):
What do I need that I can giveto myself?
How can I best support mywellbeing during this time?
How can I really dial up my owninner relationship the way that
I'm showing up so that I'm notgetting bogged down in the
heaviness that I'm feeling in myrelationship at the moment?
(18:21):
Now, of course, easier said thandone.
If things feel really hard, ofcourse we're gonna be affected
by that.
But I think the more that we canconsciously orient ourselves
back to supporting our ownwellbeing that can really shift
our relationship because itdifferentiates us from our
relationship.
It creates this sense ofseparateness and we don't have
this same experience of beingenmeshed in the dynamics of our
(18:45):
relationship.
We can draw a line and say like,yes, that's happening over
there.
Yes, that's feeling hard, andI'm gonna take responsibility
for my own happiness, my ownwellbeing as much as I possibly
can.
So what is within my controlhere?
How can I take steps towardssupporting that for myself
rather than just feelingpowerless and kind of swirling
(19:08):
around in that and going,everything sucks because my
relationship feels hard at themoment.
Okay.
So I hope that that's beenhelpful.
If you're in this at the moment,sending you so much love.
I know that it's hard.
As I said, it happens to all ofus.
It's still, from time to timeJoel and I'll experience a
season of disconnection and itfeels hard and it feels sticky.
And these are the same toolsthat I come back to time and
(19:29):
time again.
And inevitably the storm passesconnection returns.
And I think that the more we cankeep a.
Somewhat level head about it,rather than spiraling into those
protective strategies that maybeactually do the opposite of what
we're wanting.
We employ those strategies totry and grab hold of the
connection and force it, and itactually can drive it further
(19:51):
away.
So, zooming out, remindingourselves of the big picture of
our relationship, what we cancontrol all of that tends to
help us get through that periodrelatively unscathed, even if it
is challenging.
So sending you lots of love.
Hope that's been helpful and Ilook forward to seeing you again
next week.
Thanks guys,
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