August 19, 2025 • 21 mins
We don’t often talk about how attachment dynamics play out in friendships — but if you’ve ever felt anxious, hurt, or overly invested in a friend who seemed to be pulling away, you’ll know just how triggering these relationships can be.
While attachment theory was originally developed to explain the infant-caregiver bond and later applied to romantic relationships, many of the same fears, patterns, and protective strategies show up in our platonic relationships too — especially when they carry emotional significance.
In this episode, we’re exploring how different attachment styles can impact the way we relate to our friends, why friendship ruptures can feel just as painful (if not more so) than romantic ones, and how to navigate these dynamics with more clarity, compassion, and self-respect.
Highlighted Links
- Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up
- How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love
Additional Resources
- Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
- Join my email list 💌
- Explore my library of free guides, classes & meditations
- Visit my website
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 3 (00:04):
You are listening to on Attachment A place to learn
about how attachment shapes theway we experience relationships,
and where you'll gain theguidance, knowledge, and
practical tools to overcomeinsecurity and build healthy,
thriving relationships.
I, I'm your host relationshipcoach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm
really glad you're here.
Speaker (00:29):
Hey everybody.
Welcome back to another episodeof On Attachment.
In today's episode, we aretalking about how attachment
styles show up in friendships,Which is actually a topic that's
been requested more times than Ican count.
So I'm finally getting around torecording an episode on this,
which I think is reallysomething, probably the topic of
friendships more broadly is onethat doesn't get enough
(00:49):
attention, and yet is somethingthat a lot of people have a
really hard time navigating.
the focus tends to be so much onromantic relationships and yet.
Friendships can be messy andfriendships can bring up a lot
of stuff and insecurities andfears and all of the things.
So I'm hoping that in today'sepisode, I can speak to some of
those challenges and offer someinsights so that you can better
(01:13):
understand how you experiencefriendships, the things that you
might be struggling with and,and how you might approach that
going forward in a way thatfeels a little bit more secure
and grounded and empowering.
Before we get into today'sepisode, a couple of quick
reminders, if you haven'talready checked them out.
I've released recently a coupleof free trainings, one on how to
(01:34):
heal anxious attachment, anotheron healing from a breakup.
So those are both really greatresources if you're struggling
with either or both of thosethings, and you're looking for.
More support, a bit of aroadmap, understanding yourself,
understanding what the next stepmight be.
I really encourage you to checkout those and my other free
resources, all of which you cancheck out on my website.
(01:54):
second quick announcement isjust a reminder about my
upcoming London show.
There are still ticketsavailable if you're interested
in coming along.
it's gonna be a lovely intimateevent.
I'll be giving a talk.
then there'll be a time for qand a and meet and greet and
it'll be lovely and casual andintimate.
and I would love to see youthere if you're someone who
listens to the show, likes mywork and you're based in or
(02:17):
around London.
Come and spend a Saturday withme in a room full of like-minded
others.
would absolutely love to haveyou there.
Okay, so let's talk about howattachment styles show up in
friendships now, I just wannaframe the discussion a little at
the outset and acknowledge thatattachment theory as a body of
work is not about friendships.
It was originally developed inthe context of infant caregiver
(02:39):
relationships, and subsequently,many decades later, was adapted
to apply to adult romanticrelationships, which is
obviously the primary focus ofmy work and is what a lot of
people associate with attachmenttheory in its modern form.
But friendships were not reallywithin the contemplation or the
parameters of attachment theory.
(02:59):
that being said, I think when wezoom out a bit and take a
broader look at the purpose ofattachment theory and the core
teachings, we're really lookingat the insecurities that we may
carry, the wounds and burdensthat we have around
relationships and the ways thatwe've learned to cope with those
things, the protectivestrategies that have sprung from
(03:21):
those wounds that we've becomehabituated into, that we reach
for, as a way to try and preventthat pain from happening or
respond to that.
So I think when we take thatmore fluid and flexible lens,
which is really my preferred wayof teaching about attachment in
any case, and is more influencedby parts work and, and other
(03:43):
frameworks.
We can see that, of course, thepatterns that play out in our
relationships can and doabsolutely show up in other
meaningful relationships,including friendships.
So while attachment theory andattachment cells uh, you know,
not originally aboutfriendships.
I think we can certainly applyit there, by extension and use
(04:05):
it as a basis to form insightsand understanding.
So with that as the framing, Iwanna talk about how each of the
insecure attachment styles mightshow up in friendships, what you
might experience, the things youmight struggle with, and, and
how that might play out.
So anxiously attach people infriendships, as in romantic
relationships are likely to bethe, the person who is more
(04:26):
invested, who's, putting in alot of the effort to sustain the
relationship.
There might be a perception ofimbalance and lack of
reciprocity.
Like you are doing a lot of theheavy lifting.
You are always the one reachingout.
You are the one maybe seekingfor more contact, more emotional
depth, more connection.
you always feel like you areclosing the gap, you are
reaching, and.
(04:48):
That might both stem from andelicit feelings of unworthiness,
feelings of rejection.
People don't like me.
insecurity generally takingthings very personally.
So if someone's a bit distant orbusy or canceling plans, you
might be very deeply hurt bythat and assume that you've done
(05:08):
something wrong.
feel like they must not likeyou.
All of those sorts of things.
I think a fear of, beingexcluded or not belonging is a
really big one for anxiouslyattached people.
So we can go to great lengths totry and prevent that from
happening.
whether it's by trying to getclose to people and keep them
close, people pleasing, tryingto fit in, all of those things.
(05:32):
or, you know, if we're feelingexcluded, if we're feeling left
out, desperately trying tofigure out what's gone wrong,
what we've done, and trying to,to undo it, trying to repair.
what can happen, and I thinkthat this is quite a common one
I've seen this quite a lotamongst students in my healing
attachment program, is that I.
(05:53):
You might find yourself infriendships with people who are
more avoidant.
Again, we can see the yin andyang coming together as we do in
romantic relationships, and yourdesire for more depth, and maybe
your tendency towards feelinghurt or rejected or neglected.
If someone isn't putting as mucheffort into the friendship as
(06:15):
you are, then, you respond tothat by wanting to have a
conversation, wanting to tellthem about, your disappointment.
You might then be met withsomeone's resistance or
disinterest or almost like theirimpatience to hold space for
that, to have that level ofdepth.
(06:35):
and so that can further deepenthe hurt and the sense of, not
being important to someone, notbeing a priority.
so you can see that everythingthat I'm describing here, there
are a lot of parallels, in.
The dynamics that can play outhere, as compared with romantic
relationships and, for anxiouslyattached people.
I'm sure a lot of what I'mdescribing, will be familiar
(06:56):
there.
If we move over to a moredismissive avoidant look at
friendships, What you're likelyto see is someone who maybe has
a lot of friends, but they'requite surface level friendships.
So, kind of low maintenance.
not a lot of emotional depth,not really relying on each other
for much, maybe it's casualsocial, you can send them a
(07:20):
message to go and get a drinkor, catch up for something, go
to a show together.
you might have a lot of likeactivity based friends or people
that you catch up with casually.
and so the dismissive of what itmight look like, someone who's
really popular and has a lot offriends, but they're less likely
to have emotional depth in theirfriendships.
And that's probably by apreference, that suits them
(07:41):
quite well because they don'tthen feel engulfed by their
friendships.
They don't feel this excessivereliance from other people that
they don't really know how tohold or, that.
Then feels imbalanced to thembecause they know that they're
not gonna rely on the otherperson in turn.
so it feels like it's all goingin one direction.
so those sorts of like easy kindof distant casual friendships
(08:05):
are likely to work really wellfor someone with dismissive
avoidant patterns.
and as I said, there is alikelihood that, the other side
of the coin that if someone'stoo emotionally intense, they're
likely to have a bit of areaction against that.
feel like that's more thanthey're willing to give.
and they might distancethemselves from a friend who is
asking more of them than they'rewilling to give by way of
(08:28):
emotional depth or reliance.
Someone with fearful avoidantpatterns, is likely to sit
somewhere in the middle, as isoften the case, but with their
own unique challenges as well.
So the fearful avoidant infriendships is likely to value
depth, but maybe also havecasual friends as well.
They can kind of straddle that,whereas someone who's more
(08:51):
anxious is unlikely to wantshallow casual friendships in
large part, the fearful avoidantcraves that depth.
But with that comes a level ofvulnerability that can lead to
friction and even conflict.
And I think something that.
A lot of fearful avoidance willexperience is friendship
(09:12):
breakups.
so they might have a really deepfriendship and it feels really
intense and they feel reallyconnected.
and then there's some sort ofimplosion and because they
experience oftentimes like asense of betrayal or when trust
is broken that they just wannaget so far away from that, and
maybe they have shame about howthey acted in it all.
(09:35):
So they might just draw a lineunder it and, not talk to that
person ever again kind of thing.
So, having that volatilityaround friendships, that
simultaneous, depth, but thenalso distance if something goes
wrong or if there is some sortof rupture or perceived betrayal
or disappointment.
that's often there for someonewith more fearful avoidant
(09:56):
patterns.
So that's sort of a bit of a layof the land on what attachment
style.
Can look like, uh, as they playout in friendships.
One thing that I did wanna noteis, while for some people your
attachment style and patternswill be very much a continuation
of what you experience inromantic relationships.
Meaning if you're anxious inromantic relationships, you
(10:17):
might be similarly anxious infriendships.
For others, you might be reallyanxious in romantic
relationships, but more avoidantin friendships.
and if that's you.
That's fine.
It's not something, you know,people always say like, is this
possible?
What's wrong with me?
Nothing's wrong with you.
It just means that you feardifferent things in different
places and, you respond indifferent ways.
(10:38):
So, all of that is part of the,the messy reality of our layered
experiences of relationships ashumans.
The ways that we've learned tocope with that.
but I did just wanna acknowledgethat it's not necessarily going
to be exactly the same in thosedifferent types of relationships
for you.
same goes as a side note forfamily.
Sometimes people will be moreavoidant with family, more
(11:00):
anxious, in their romanticrelationships, or vice versa,
some other combination.
So some of the other patternsthat we might see play out in
friendships, again, we do alwaystend to find these balanced.
Points in our relationship.
So, we might have one friendwho's the over functioner and
one who's the under functioner,one who does all the heavy
lifting and one who just followsalong.
(11:22):
one who's the caretaker and theother who's always been cared
for, the rescuer and the onewho's always in crisis.
one who's the emotional dumpingground and one who's always
offloading their stuff, uh, willoften in insecure type
friendships, have theseimbalance dynamics that can be
certainly contributed to by or,or shaped by our attachment
(11:47):
dynamics that we see play out inother relationships.
I think one of the reallycomplicating factors when it
comes to friendships, and it'skind of a blessing and a curse,
is the fact that friendships arenon monogamous, so to speak,
whereas romantic relationshipsfor most people, obviously not
all people are monogamous.
And so that exclusivity thingmeans that while rejection's
(12:10):
really painful, we can sort ofunderstand it.
Whereas in friendships, ifsomeone pulls away from us,
doesn't wanna be friendsanymore, distances themselves,
because.
There's no upper limit on howmany friends you can have that
can feel really, really painful.
It can feel like, it's not likeyou can only have one friend,
and so you chose someone elseinstead of me.
(12:32):
you just decided you didn'twanna be friends with me because
you.
Don't like having me around,that can feel much more
personal, because of thedifferent nature of friendships.
And so I think that can in someways feel like more of a
rejection of who we are at afundamental level and, and can
really feed those wounds aroundpeople don't like me, people
(12:54):
don't value me, in ways thatromantic relationships.
We can maybe rationalize it morein the context of dating and
romantic relationships ifsomeone breaks up with us.
whereas in friendships, that canreally, really hurt.
I think another piece aroundfriendships that we probably
don't acknowledge enough is thatwe have a lot of inner child
(13:15):
wounds around friendships.
Most of us will haveexperienced, dating back to
primary school and high school,All of those fears around not
belonging, around beingexcluded, around being left out.
and so when those things getactivated as an adult, it's
touching into really old woundsand parts of us that are
(13:35):
probably really young, and thathave those really big fears of
not being liked, of beingexcluded.
At times in our lives where thatfelt incredibly vulnerable and
where it felt like a survivalneed to fit in, in a very,
contained environment of, schoolor other community settings
where we didn't have muchcontrol over that.
(13:57):
Even though as an adult we haveso much more agency and we can,
seek out friends in all sorts ofdifferent places and settings,
it can touch into those reallyold wounds about exclusion, not
belonging, not fitting in, or ifyou were bullied or things like
that.
Naturally, you are gonna havemore sensitivity around adult
friendships and navigating, anystruggles that you have there in
(14:18):
light of those old wounds.
Again, much the same as yourromantic relationships.
When we've experienced strugglesearlier in life, we carry those
into.
Our relationships.
Now what do we do with all ofthis awareness?
'cause it is a lot of awarenessand there are a lot of layers,
and it might be the kind ofthing where after listening to
this, you start processing itand metabolizing it and
connecting dots and seeingpatterns where maybe you weren't
(14:40):
so aware of them before.
I think that it's reallyimportant to know what we want
from friendships.
And the, the blessing that I wasalluding to earlier of,
non-exclusive friendships,meaning you can have lots of
different friends, is that wedon't need every friend to meet
all of our friendship needs.
So if you know that you'resomeone who looks for emotional
(15:02):
depth and that connecting on adeeper level is really important
to you, being able to pick up aphone and call someone if you're
having a hard day is reallyimportant to you.
Being able to.
Ask someone for help if you'removing house or whatever.
if like that level of,dependability and trust and
reliability and emotionalconnection is important to you
and a friend that's really goodto know.
(15:23):
And there's nothing wrong withthat at all.
It's, it's just part of knowingwhat your emotional needs are,
and you don't have to get all ofthose needs met from every
friend all the time.
So you might recognize thatcertain friends who display some
of those more avoided patternsthat I was speaking to who maybe
just have less.
Capacity for emotional depth infriendships generally, or
(15:45):
friendships with you.
You might decide that you'reokay to keep it kind of surface
level and just, send each othermemes or go for a coffee and
talk about work or, keepingthings kind of light might be
okay.
And, and that can still be avalid friendship.
not every friendship needs tolook and feel exactly the same
way.
and I think it's only when we.
Try and depersonalize it a bitthat we're maybe more able to
(16:08):
engage with that and, and seepeople's capacity not as a
comment on us at a fundamentallevel, but, but more about their
capacity.
so recognizing that because wecan have lots of different
friends, and, different levelsof contact and closeness and
intimacy and all of that, thatwe can.
Be discerning around like, yes,this friendship is meeting my
(16:31):
needs and I wanna keep investingin it.
Or maybe it isn't meeting myneeds and I'm gonna pull back a
bit.
Or maybe, I can just recalibratemy expectations of this
friendship, and allow it to bewhat it is, rather than try to
force it to be something that.
It isn't.
so I think that's a helpfulreframe on how we think about
our friendships.
and certainly if you tend to beon the side of the equation
(16:53):
where you are the one overfunctioning, over investing,
caretaking, closing the gap,doing all of the heavy lifting
to sustain a friendship, youmight think about, what it would
look like to reshuffle that sothat it feels a bit more
balanced, particularly if younotice yourself being a bit
resentful, of, the, theperceived lack of reciprocity
there.
that's certainly something tothink about.
What would it look like to pullback a bit, and allow this to,
(17:16):
to fall into a more mutualrhythm?
even if that means that it's notat the level of depth or
intensity that, I would preferif it were up to me.
me.
A final piece that I wanna speakto is navigating conflict in
friendships, because I thinkthat, frankly, this can be
really awkward for a lot ofpeople.
again, I think the tendencytowards conflict avoidance in
friendships is much, much higherthan in romantic relationships.
(17:40):
it's almost like there's athreshold test below which we
not.
Willing to to go there withfriends.
And maybe that's, if we are notconfident that the friendship
could sustain conflict andrepair, if it is more casual or
It feels a bit flimsy or we feellike the other person or we are
not that invested, then conflictfeels like a vulnerable place to
(18:01):
go.
expressing disappointment orfrustration or upset, is a hard
thing to do with someone thatwe're not like, fully committed
to or that isn't fully committedto us.
so there can be realvulnerabilities around conflict
in friendships.
That being said, I think thatit's important as in any
relationship, if it's animportant relationship in your
life to be able to.
(18:23):
Share honestly about how you'refeeling and maybe something that
doesn't feel great.
all of the same communicationtools and guidelines that we
employ in relationships applyhere too.
So not blaming, not accusing,taking responsibility for our
own stuff, but also sharinghonestly about the way we might
(18:43):
be feeling and maybe makingrequests, maybe sharing
boundaries.
For example, if you have afriend who kind of emotionally
dumps all the time and offloadsall of their drama onto you in a
way that feels really drainingand depleting and you feel like
it kind of sucks all the oxygenout of your communication and
there's no space for anythingelse, or you don't feel like
they're really checking in onhow things are going for you,
(19:05):
you might.
Share that obviously in asensitive way.
but saying something like, I'venoticed that a lot of our
conversations recently.
I mostly, you sharing stuffthat's going on and I feel like
it's become a bit, I balancelike I'm just holding space for
you and while I'm, obviouslywanna be able to support you,
(19:27):
I'd love if maybe we could talkabout other things or if you'd
check in with how I'm goingbecause I've had some stuff on
my plate as well and it feelslike there hasn't been much
space for that.
those are the sorts ofconversations that we wanna be
able to have in our friendshipsbecause ultimately they are
facilitative of greater depthand honesty and trust and
(19:47):
connection.
And, if a friendship can'tsurvive.
A conversation like that.
If it can't take honestcommunication, then that's
probably quite telling as to,the sturdiness of the
friendship.
So it's certainly something tothink about if there are kind of
ongoing points of tension orfriction or frustration for you
in some of your friendships,considering what it might look
(20:08):
like to have an honest, openconversation, with that person
or those people, about.
What's been bothering you and,and what a better way might look
and feel like from yourperspective.
And obviously opening it up tothem as well, and inviting their
perspective on, on what wouldfeel good too.
Okay.
I'm gonna leave it there.
I feel like I could keep talkingabout this for a long time, so
(20:29):
maybe we need to have a followup or I could get some sort of
adult friendship expert on toshare their wisdom as well.
but I do hope that this has beena helpful introduction, at least
to attachment styles andfriendships and how those
attachment patterns can show upin the domain of friendships,
how we might navigate thevarious challenges that
(20:49):
friendships can throw up.
what it might look like tocultivate.
Healthier, more balanced,sustainable friendships.
I really hope that it's givingyou something to reflect on and
do let me know if you found ithelpful and if you'd like me to
revisit this topic or certainaspects of it.
always open to your feedback andfurther suggestions.
So, let me know.
(21:09):
But otherwise, thank you so muchfor joining me and I look
forward to seeing you again nextweek.
Thanks guys.
You are listening to on Attachment A place to learn
about how attachment shapes theway we experience relationships,
and where you'll gain theguidance, knowledge, and
practical tools to overcomeinsecurity and build healthy,
thriving relationships.
I, I'm your host relationshipcoach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm
really glad you're here.
Speaker (00:29):
Hey everybody.
Welcome back to another episodeof On Attachment.
In today's episode, we aretalking about how attachment
styles show up in friendships,Which is actually a topic that's
been requested more times than Ican count.
So I'm finally getting around torecording an episode on this,
which I think is reallysomething, probably the topic of
friendships more broadly is onethat doesn't get enough
(00:49):
attention, and yet is somethingthat a lot of people have a
really hard time navigating.
the focus tends to be so much onromantic relationships and yet.
Friendships can be messy andfriendships can bring up a lot
of stuff and insecurities andfears and all of the things.
So I'm hoping that in today'sepisode, I can speak to some of
those challenges and offer someinsights so that you can better
(01:13):
understand how you experiencefriendships, the things that you
might be struggling with and,and how you might approach that
going forward in a way thatfeels a little bit more secure
and grounded and empowering.
Before we get into today'sepisode, a couple of quick
reminders, if you haven'talready checked them out.
I've released recently a coupleof free trainings, one on how to
(01:34):
heal anxious attachment, anotheron healing from a breakup.
So those are both really greatresources if you're struggling
with either or both of thosethings, and you're looking for.
More support, a bit of aroadmap, understanding yourself,
understanding what the next stepmight be.
I really encourage you to checkout those and my other free
resources, all of which you cancheck out on my website.
(01:54):
second quick announcement isjust a reminder about my
upcoming London show.
There are still ticketsavailable if you're interested
in coming along.
it's gonna be a lovely intimateevent.
I'll be giving a talk.
then there'll be a time for qand a and meet and greet and
it'll be lovely and casual andintimate.
and I would love to see youthere if you're someone who
listens to the show, likes mywork and you're based in or
(02:17):
around London.
Come and spend a Saturday withme in a room full of like-minded
others.
would absolutely love to haveyou there.
Okay, so let's talk about howattachment styles show up in
friendships now, I just wannaframe the discussion a little at
the outset and acknowledge thatattachment theory as a body of
work is not about friendships.
It was originally developed inthe context of infant caregiver
(02:39):
relationships, and subsequently,many decades later, was adapted
to apply to adult romanticrelationships, which is
obviously the primary focus ofmy work and is what a lot of
people associate with attachmenttheory in its modern form.
But friendships were not reallywithin the contemplation or the
parameters of attachment theory.
(02:59):
that being said, I think when wezoom out a bit and take a
broader look at the purpose ofattachment theory and the core
teachings, we're really lookingat the insecurities that we may
carry, the wounds and burdensthat we have around
relationships and the ways thatwe've learned to cope with those
things, the protectivestrategies that have sprung from
(03:21):
those wounds that we've becomehabituated into, that we reach
for, as a way to try and preventthat pain from happening or
respond to that.
So I think when we take thatmore fluid and flexible lens,
which is really my preferred wayof teaching about attachment in
any case, and is more influencedby parts work and, and other
(03:43):
frameworks.
We can see that, of course, thepatterns that play out in our
relationships can and doabsolutely show up in other
meaningful relationships,including friendships.
So while attachment theory andattachment cells uh, you know,
not originally aboutfriendships.
I think we can certainly applyit there, by extension and use
(04:05):
it as a basis to form insightsand understanding.
So with that as the framing, Iwanna talk about how each of the
insecure attachment styles mightshow up in friendships, what you
might experience, the things youmight struggle with, and, and
how that might play out.
So anxiously attach people infriendships, as in romantic
relationships are likely to bethe, the person who is more
(04:26):
invested, who's, putting in alot of the effort to sustain the
relationship.
There might be a perception ofimbalance and lack of
reciprocity.
Like you are doing a lot of theheavy lifting.
You are always the one reachingout.
You are the one maybe seekingfor more contact, more emotional
depth, more connection.
you always feel like you areclosing the gap, you are
reaching, and.
(04:48):
That might both stem from andelicit feelings of unworthiness,
feelings of rejection.
People don't like me.
insecurity generally takingthings very personally.
So if someone's a bit distant orbusy or canceling plans, you
might be very deeply hurt bythat and assume that you've done
(05:08):
something wrong.
feel like they must not likeyou.
All of those sorts of things.
I think a fear of, beingexcluded or not belonging is a
really big one for anxiouslyattached people.
So we can go to great lengths totry and prevent that from
happening.
whether it's by trying to getclose to people and keep them
close, people pleasing, tryingto fit in, all of those things.
(05:32):
or, you know, if we're feelingexcluded, if we're feeling left
out, desperately trying tofigure out what's gone wrong,
what we've done, and trying to,to undo it, trying to repair.
what can happen, and I thinkthat this is quite a common one
I've seen this quite a lotamongst students in my healing
attachment program, is that I.
(05:53):
You might find yourself infriendships with people who are
more avoidant.
Again, we can see the yin andyang coming together as we do in
romantic relationships, and yourdesire for more depth, and maybe
your tendency towards feelinghurt or rejected or neglected.
If someone isn't putting as mucheffort into the friendship as
(06:15):
you are, then, you respond tothat by wanting to have a
conversation, wanting to tellthem about, your disappointment.
You might then be met withsomeone's resistance or
disinterest or almost like theirimpatience to hold space for
that, to have that level ofdepth.
(06:35):
and so that can further deepenthe hurt and the sense of, not
being important to someone, notbeing a priority.
so you can see that everythingthat I'm describing here, there
are a lot of parallels, in.
The dynamics that can play outhere, as compared with romantic
relationships and, for anxiouslyattached people.
I'm sure a lot of what I'mdescribing, will be familiar
(06:56):
there.
If we move over to a moredismissive avoidant look at
friendships, What you're likelyto see is someone who maybe has
a lot of friends, but they'requite surface level friendships.
So, kind of low maintenance.
not a lot of emotional depth,not really relying on each other
for much, maybe it's casualsocial, you can send them a
(07:20):
message to go and get a drinkor, catch up for something, go
to a show together.
you might have a lot of likeactivity based friends or people
that you catch up with casually.
and so the dismissive of what itmight look like, someone who's
really popular and has a lot offriends, but they're less likely
to have emotional depth in theirfriendships.
And that's probably by apreference, that suits them
(07:41):
quite well because they don'tthen feel engulfed by their
friendships.
They don't feel this excessivereliance from other people that
they don't really know how tohold or, that.
Then feels imbalanced to thembecause they know that they're
not gonna rely on the otherperson in turn.
so it feels like it's all goingin one direction.
so those sorts of like easy kindof distant casual friendships
(08:05):
are likely to work really wellfor someone with dismissive
avoidant patterns.
and as I said, there is alikelihood that, the other side
of the coin that if someone'stoo emotionally intense, they're
likely to have a bit of areaction against that.
feel like that's more thanthey're willing to give.
and they might distancethemselves from a friend who is
asking more of them than they'rewilling to give by way of
(08:28):
emotional depth or reliance.
Someone with fearful avoidantpatterns, is likely to sit
somewhere in the middle, as isoften the case, but with their
own unique challenges as well.
So the fearful avoidant infriendships is likely to value
depth, but maybe also havecasual friends as well.
They can kind of straddle that,whereas someone who's more
(08:51):
anxious is unlikely to wantshallow casual friendships in
large part, the fearful avoidantcraves that depth.
But with that comes a level ofvulnerability that can lead to
friction and even conflict.
And I think something that.
A lot of fearful avoidance willexperience is friendship
(09:12):
breakups.
so they might have a really deepfriendship and it feels really
intense and they feel reallyconnected.
and then there's some sort ofimplosion and because they
experience oftentimes like asense of betrayal or when trust
is broken that they just wannaget so far away from that, and
maybe they have shame about howthey acted in it all.
(09:35):
So they might just draw a lineunder it and, not talk to that
person ever again kind of thing.
So, having that volatilityaround friendships, that
simultaneous, depth, but thenalso distance if something goes
wrong or if there is some sortof rupture or perceived betrayal
or disappointment.
that's often there for someonewith more fearful avoidant
(09:56):
patterns.
So that's sort of a bit of a layof the land on what attachment
style.
Can look like, uh, as they playout in friendships.
One thing that I did wanna noteis, while for some people your
attachment style and patternswill be very much a continuation
of what you experience inromantic relationships.
Meaning if you're anxious inromantic relationships, you
(10:17):
might be similarly anxious infriendships.
For others, you might be reallyanxious in romantic
relationships, but more avoidantin friendships.
and if that's you.
That's fine.
It's not something, you know,people always say like, is this
possible?
What's wrong with me?
Nothing's wrong with you.
It just means that you feardifferent things in different
places and, you respond indifferent ways.
(10:38):
So, all of that is part of the,the messy reality of our layered
experiences of relationships ashumans.
The ways that we've learned tocope with that.
but I did just wanna acknowledgethat it's not necessarily going
to be exactly the same in thosedifferent types of relationships
for you.
same goes as a side note forfamily.
Sometimes people will be moreavoidant with family, more
(11:00):
anxious, in their romanticrelationships, or vice versa,
some other combination.
So some of the other patternsthat we might see play out in
friendships, again, we do alwaystend to find these balanced.
Points in our relationship.
So, we might have one friendwho's the over functioner and
one who's the under functioner,one who does all the heavy
lifting and one who just followsalong.
(11:22):
one who's the caretaker and theother who's always been cared
for, the rescuer and the onewho's always in crisis.
one who's the emotional dumpingground and one who's always
offloading their stuff, uh, willoften in insecure type
friendships, have theseimbalance dynamics that can be
certainly contributed to by or,or shaped by our attachment
(11:47):
dynamics that we see play out inother relationships.
I think one of the reallycomplicating factors when it
comes to friendships, and it'skind of a blessing and a curse,
is the fact that friendships arenon monogamous, so to speak,
whereas romantic relationshipsfor most people, obviously not
all people are monogamous.
And so that exclusivity thingmeans that while rejection's
(12:10):
really painful, we can sort ofunderstand it.
Whereas in friendships, ifsomeone pulls away from us,
doesn't wanna be friendsanymore, distances themselves,
because.
There's no upper limit on howmany friends you can have that
can feel really, really painful.
It can feel like, it's not likeyou can only have one friend,
and so you chose someone elseinstead of me.
(12:32):
you just decided you didn'twanna be friends with me because
you.
Don't like having me around,that can feel much more
personal, because of thedifferent nature of friendships.
And so I think that can in someways feel like more of a
rejection of who we are at afundamental level and, and can
really feed those wounds aroundpeople don't like me, people
(12:54):
don't value me, in ways thatromantic relationships.
We can maybe rationalize it morein the context of dating and
romantic relationships ifsomeone breaks up with us.
whereas in friendships, that canreally, really hurt.
I think another piece aroundfriendships that we probably
don't acknowledge enough is thatwe have a lot of inner child
(13:15):
wounds around friendships.
Most of us will haveexperienced, dating back to
primary school and high school,All of those fears around not
belonging, around beingexcluded, around being left out.
and so when those things getactivated as an adult, it's
touching into really old woundsand parts of us that are
(13:35):
probably really young, and thathave those really big fears of
not being liked, of beingexcluded.
At times in our lives where thatfelt incredibly vulnerable and
where it felt like a survivalneed to fit in, in a very,
contained environment of, schoolor other community settings
where we didn't have muchcontrol over that.
(13:57):
Even though as an adult we haveso much more agency and we can,
seek out friends in all sorts ofdifferent places and settings,
it can touch into those reallyold wounds about exclusion, not
belonging, not fitting in, or ifyou were bullied or things like
that.
Naturally, you are gonna havemore sensitivity around adult
friendships and navigating, anystruggles that you have there in
(14:18):
light of those old wounds.
Again, much the same as yourromantic relationships.
When we've experienced strugglesearlier in life, we carry those
into.
Our relationships.
Now what do we do with all ofthis awareness?
'cause it is a lot of awarenessand there are a lot of layers,
and it might be the kind ofthing where after listening to
this, you start processing itand metabolizing it and
connecting dots and seeingpatterns where maybe you weren't
(14:40):
so aware of them before.
I think that it's reallyimportant to know what we want
from friendships.
And the, the blessing that I wasalluding to earlier of,
non-exclusive friendships,meaning you can have lots of
different friends, is that wedon't need every friend to meet
all of our friendship needs.
So if you know that you'resomeone who looks for emotional
(15:02):
depth and that connecting on adeeper level is really important
to you, being able to pick up aphone and call someone if you're
having a hard day is reallyimportant to you.
Being able to.
Ask someone for help if you'removing house or whatever.
if like that level of,dependability and trust and
reliability and emotionalconnection is important to you
and a friend that's really goodto know.
(15:23):
And there's nothing wrong withthat at all.
It's, it's just part of knowingwhat your emotional needs are,
and you don't have to get all ofthose needs met from every
friend all the time.
So you might recognize thatcertain friends who display some
of those more avoided patternsthat I was speaking to who maybe
just have less.
Capacity for emotional depth infriendships generally, or
(15:45):
friendships with you.
You might decide that you'reokay to keep it kind of surface
level and just, send each othermemes or go for a coffee and
talk about work or, keepingthings kind of light might be
okay.
And, and that can still be avalid friendship.
not every friendship needs tolook and feel exactly the same
way.
and I think it's only when we.
Try and depersonalize it a bitthat we're maybe more able to
(16:08):
engage with that and, and seepeople's capacity not as a
comment on us at a fundamentallevel, but, but more about their
capacity.
so recognizing that because wecan have lots of different
friends, and, different levelsof contact and closeness and
intimacy and all of that, thatwe can.
Be discerning around like, yes,this friendship is meeting my
(16:31):
needs and I wanna keep investingin it.
Or maybe it isn't meeting myneeds and I'm gonna pull back a
bit.
Or maybe, I can just recalibratemy expectations of this
friendship, and allow it to bewhat it is, rather than try to
force it to be something that.
It isn't.
so I think that's a helpfulreframe on how we think about
our friendships.
and certainly if you tend to beon the side of the equation
(16:53):
where you are the one overfunctioning, over investing,
caretaking, closing the gap,doing all of the heavy lifting
to sustain a friendship, youmight think about, what it would
look like to reshuffle that sothat it feels a bit more
balanced, particularly if younotice yourself being a bit
resentful, of, the, theperceived lack of reciprocity
there.
that's certainly something tothink about.
What would it look like to pullback a bit, and allow this to,
(17:16):
to fall into a more mutualrhythm?
even if that means that it's notat the level of depth or
intensity that, I would preferif it were up to me.
me.
A final piece that I wanna speakto is navigating conflict in
friendships, because I thinkthat, frankly, this can be
really awkward for a lot ofpeople.
again, I think the tendencytowards conflict avoidance in
friendships is much, much higherthan in romantic relationships.
(17:40):
it's almost like there's athreshold test below which we
not.
Willing to to go there withfriends.
And maybe that's, if we are notconfident that the friendship
could sustain conflict andrepair, if it is more casual or
It feels a bit flimsy or we feellike the other person or we are
not that invested, then conflictfeels like a vulnerable place to
(18:01):
go.
expressing disappointment orfrustration or upset, is a hard
thing to do with someone thatwe're not like, fully committed
to or that isn't fully committedto us.
so there can be realvulnerabilities around conflict
in friendships.
That being said, I think thatit's important as in any
relationship, if it's animportant relationship in your
life to be able to.
(18:23):
Share honestly about how you'refeeling and maybe something that
doesn't feel great.
all of the same communicationtools and guidelines that we
employ in relationships applyhere too.
So not blaming, not accusing,taking responsibility for our
own stuff, but also sharinghonestly about the way we might
(18:43):
be feeling and maybe makingrequests, maybe sharing
boundaries.
For example, if you have afriend who kind of emotionally
dumps all the time and offloadsall of their drama onto you in a
way that feels really drainingand depleting and you feel like
it kind of sucks all the oxygenout of your communication and
there's no space for anythingelse, or you don't feel like
they're really checking in onhow things are going for you,
(19:05):
you might.
Share that obviously in asensitive way.
but saying something like, I'venoticed that a lot of our
conversations recently.
I mostly, you sharing stuffthat's going on and I feel like
it's become a bit, I balancelike I'm just holding space for
you and while I'm, obviouslywanna be able to support you,
(19:27):
I'd love if maybe we could talkabout other things or if you'd
check in with how I'm goingbecause I've had some stuff on
my plate as well and it feelslike there hasn't been much
space for that.
those are the sorts ofconversations that we wanna be
able to have in our friendshipsbecause ultimately they are
facilitative of greater depthand honesty and trust and
(19:47):
connection.
And, if a friendship can'tsurvive.
A conversation like that.
If it can't take honestcommunication, then that's
probably quite telling as to,the sturdiness of the
friendship.
So it's certainly something tothink about if there are kind of
ongoing points of tension orfriction or frustration for you
in some of your friendships,considering what it might look
(20:08):
like to have an honest, openconversation, with that person
or those people, about.
What's been bothering you and,and what a better way might look
and feel like from yourperspective.
And obviously opening it up tothem as well, and inviting their
perspective on, on what wouldfeel good too.
Okay.
I'm gonna leave it there.
I feel like I could keep talkingabout this for a long time, so
(20:29):
maybe we need to have a followup or I could get some sort of
adult friendship expert on toshare their wisdom as well.
but I do hope that this has beena helpful introduction, at least
to attachment styles andfriendships and how those
attachment patterns can show upin the domain of friendships,
how we might navigate thevarious challenges that
(20:49):
friendships can throw up.
what it might look like tocultivate.
Healthier, more balanced,sustainable friendships.
I really hope that it's givingyou something to reflect on and
do let me know if you found ithelpful and if you'd like me to
revisit this topic or certainaspects of it.
always open to your feedback andfurther suggestions.
So, let me know.
(21:09):
But otherwise, thank you so muchfor joining me and I look
forward to seeing you again nextweek.
Thanks guys.
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