Join us as we sit down with Brittney Benavides-Smith, a devoted music teacher from Georgetown, Texas. Britteny bravely shares her inspirational story of navigating the complexities of living with bipolar disorder, being faced with traumatic loss at a young age of both of her parents, overcoming a toxic first marriage, and tackling binge eating.
Brittney today is a thriving individual who uses her passion for music to become a successful creative entrepreneur and talented player for piano, guitar, and ukulele. Brittney also uses music as her way to release emotions continue with her own personal growth and healing. After all, music is medicine for the soul!!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi everyone and welcome to today's episode of On
the Spectrum with Sonia.
Today we have a very specialguest with us, brittany
Benavides-Smith, and she is hereto discuss about her journey
with bipolar disorder, alsoshare some of the challenges
she's faced in her life.
So if anybody is not in a safeplace to hear this, please I
(00:27):
would actually recommend thatyou maybe put a pause on
listening to this episode,because there are some trigger
warnings here, because she willbe talking about abusive
relationships.
She will be talking about bingeeating, and this is a podcast
where we come together todiscuss autism spectrum, mental
(00:47):
health and anybody who'sovercome any obstacle or any
challenge in their life and ishere to lead people feeling
connected, hopeful and full oflove, especially in a world that
tries to disconnect us.
In a world that tries todisconnect us, brittany is the
(01:10):
ideal guest for this podcastbecause she fits all of the
objectives of On the Spectrumwith Sonia.
I met Brittany at the Say it OutLoud group that is run by
Vasavi Kumar and in the timethat I've gotten to know
Brittany, she embodies not onlya person who has a very powerful
and compelling story to tell,but also somebody who also shows
(01:32):
love, compassion, loyalty,faith, dedication and ambition,
particularly to things like hercoaching, and especially when it
comes to the piano.
She does teach music.
She's a very good teacher, andI've seen clips of how students
(01:54):
have come to her and havealready been mastering amazing
pieces, pieces.
I only dream that I wish Icould play on the piano, but who
knows?
I mean, I know a great teachernow, so and and there's a piano
at my parents' place.
So now that I know that I canconnect the two and 2025 is a
year I've been thinking aboutgetting more into my creative
(02:16):
side.
Possibilities are endless.
So, without further ado, let'splease welcome Brittany.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Hi Sonia, Thanks so much for inviting me.
I'm so glad that we could havethis conversation today.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Thank you.
I am so honored that you'rehere, and I want to thank you
for agreeing and giving us yourtime.
And so, brittany, why don't youintroduce yourself a little bit
?
Tell us about you.
Tell us about just you knowwhat?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
makes Brittany Brittany Sure.
So my name is BrittanyBenavidez Smith.
I reside in Georgetown, texas,which is near Austin, and I am a
music teacher.
I have been teaching kids inpiano, ukulele and guitar for
the past 16 years and it is mypure joy and passion.
Nothing gives me more joy thanseeing a kid go from knowing
(03:08):
absolutely nothing on aninstrument to being able to
perform it masterfully atrecitals and performances.
I had one student this semesterwho wrote her own song and
submitted it to her middleschool competition and it won an
award.
So she's now an award-winningcomposer after studying in our
classes together.
Outside of music, I am a dogmom, so I have two pit bulls,
(03:32):
one who is a puppy and iscurrently destroying every bit
of my house, and then my oldergirl, who's been with us since
she's nine years old, and I livewith my husband and my two dogs
and yeah, Well, thank you forsharing that piece about you.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
I had no idea that you do also ukulele and guitar
as well.
I had no idea I must have seenyou do piano and talk about
piano, but I know it's mypassion because I started that
when I was six, so it's beenlike my whole life's journey.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Guitar and ukulele I'm self-taught more in like my
late adult, like young adultyears, but piano is definitely
my passion.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Oh, you know, the piano is a beautiful instrument.
I remember when I used to playI take lessons when I was
younger.
There was a time, because I wasacting too silly, that the
teacher told my parents that heneeded to take a.
We needed to take a pause andwait till I could grow up a
little.
And I remember this pianoteacher that used to come to my
(04:36):
parents house and the house Igrew up in really they, you know
he used to teach me by ear.
I never really learned how toplay music but he used to just
demonstrate and I used to justpick up from my hearing.
But later I had to startlearning how to read music
because when I joined the schoolband um, starting in fifth
(04:58):
grade, and I played the flutefor about a couple of years, I
remember we had to learn how toplay like bass and treble clef.
We had to learn all the notesyou know and how to you know
about half notes and all thisother, all the other fun jazz if
you will.
And then I tried picking uppiano again when I was in law
school, at this music schoolthat I went to to take voice and
(05:21):
piano and as a hobby because Ineeded something outside of law
school because I hated it toomuch, so I needed something
outside of it.
And I remember just it was hard, it was hard.
I just remember the whole forbass and treble clef.
I remember just every good boydeserves fudge.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
And then there, you go, you got it.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
That's all you need I .
Then I forgot and I remember itwas like f-a-c-e for the other
four keys or whatever, and thenit was like all cows eat grass
was the other hand, left hand,and I say look, you are already
10 steps ahead.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
You know those.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
You are on your way to learning piano okay, brittany
, not that you're just trying topush me into getting back into
piano playing.
Okay, I see what you're doing,but yeah, but tell us how you
got started with music and tellus a little bit about your
journey, as I understand thatyou, too, have had a very
powerful story in with mentalhealth as well.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
So my mom put me in piano lessons when I was six
years old and I took for abouttwo or three years.
But when I was nine my parentspassed away in a tragic accident
and piano lessons were notcontinued for me after that.
There was always a piano in thehouse.
I was raised by aunts anduncles and so we had pianos, but
I just I didn't continuelessons.
(06:41):
It wasn't until middle schoolthat I was.
I had joined the choir and I gotan interest for relearning
piano and I think I took fromlike somebody that lived nearby
for a year or so.
And then, when I got into highschool, my choir director saw
potential in me and encouragedme to learn piano to basically
accompany the choir.
And so I kind of taught myselfokay, I need to know the basic
(07:04):
notes so I can play with thechoir.
And so I kind of taught myselfokay, I need to know the basic
notes so I can play with thechoir.
And by my senior year my choirteacher was like okay, at this
point I think you can likepursue music in college.
And that was like beyond myfurthest imagination.
I never thought that I wouldpursue any like music in college
.
That just was so far fetched Iwas like no, I have to, I'm
going to do nursing or I'm goingto do something in business.
Like I was very driven into howI can make a career.
(07:26):
It never occurred to me thatmusic could be a career.
So I went into college as anursing major.
My dad was a nurse when I wasgrowing up and that was just
kind of in my mind like okay,I'm just going to fulfill you
know dad's purpose and I'll justbe a nurse.
But after my first semester ofchemistry I was like, nope, this
is not for me.
So I auditioned to get into themusic school and given that I
(07:50):
didn't have the classicaltraining and that everybody else
had had growing up, I didn'tget in.
They said, okay, we'll let youin as a music minor, but take
some private lessons for asemester and then audition again
.
So I did that and I loved theprivate lessons at the
collegiate level.
Like it was so intense but somuch fun.
I was learning repertoire thatI had only dreamed of learning.
(08:10):
That was super fun andempowering for me as a musician
to see that if I practice I canlearn anything I put my mind to.
So I got in the next semesteras a music major with a focus in
music education, and that wasmy sophomore year.
At the end of my sophomore yearthings seemed to feel a little
(08:31):
funny for me.
I was not really eating, Ibecame obsessed with working out
, I was not really sleeping andall of this at the time seemed
like normal, maybe collegebehavior, for, like finals,
right During finals, we'restudying, we're not sleeping,
we're not eating.
So didn't really think anythingof it until I got to the point
where I was feeling this superweird paranoia, like I believed
(08:55):
that the government was out toget me.
I was about to break my phonein half because I felt like I
was being tracked, like thatreally weird behavior, and my
family and friends startednoticing like okay, something's
not right with Brittany, likethis doesn't feel normal.
So after the end of my sophomoreyear I was checked into a
mental health hospital here inAustin and immediately the
(09:17):
doctors were like oh, that'sbipolar.
Like I couldn't have seen itbecause no one in my life had
ever talked about bipolar.
I only knew it as bipolarweather.
You know when we say oh, theweather is so bipolar, I never
knew it as a diagnosis.
So that's how I came upon that.
It was kind of as a result ofthe end of my college, like I
(09:40):
was super focusing on music, notsleeping, not eating, and then
all these weird thoughts came in, led to a diagnosis, and now
the whole trajectory of my lifechanged at that point.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
So, brittany, when you were growing up though when
you look back, before you gotthis diagnosis of bipolar were
there, and I do want to say, atthis time as well, my
condolences to hear about yourparents.
I know that that must have beena very challenging and very
difficult and traumatic thingfor a person, especially your
(10:16):
age at that time being sixcorrect.
I was nine, yeah, you were nine,nine, nine to have to go
through losing not only one butboth parents simultaneously.
And you know, and quite youknow.
Naturally I'm pretty sure thatthe grief had strict, you know,
had kicked in for you, and thesadness of missing your parents
(10:39):
also had kicked in for you.
But was there other times toothat you've you know, anything
else that also stood out to you?
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Um.
So I would have kind of likesome anger periods, but it was
never anything out of patternthat maybe a teenager might feel
Right, so it wasn't.
There was no like signs leadingup to it to be like oh yeah, we
absolutely know, Brittany hadbipolar, you know, in middle
school or in high school.
It really wasn't until that onemanic episode where life just
(11:09):
fell apart.
So like anything leading up toit, like the moodiness up and
down, could have just beenattributed to that's a teenager
or that's just grief.
I saw a therapist when I wasreally right after my parents
died.
I was putting some kind of likechild therapy, um, but I didn't
.
I didn't see a therapist orhave any kind of mental health
(11:30):
clinician until I was diagnosedat 19.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
So nobody really saw anything so you never had any
help.
You know, growing up until youwere 19, um, were you ever given
like a safe space to process,though, you know, like talking
about your parents?
You know, when you were growingup, you know, I know you said
(11:54):
you lived with aunts and unclesand what was it like to, you
know, to?
Did they ever give you any kindof like consoling, or did they
ever allow you that space totalk about your parents, or was
it kind of a thing that peoplejust kind of acknowledged yet
they didn't get into?
Speaker 2 (12:12):
it kind of the latter .
It was mostly something theyacknowledged but it was never
really talked about in thehousehold, um, so the place that
I did get kind of a safe spaceto talk about it was at church.
So growing up I went to aprivate Christian school that
was also a Baptist church and Ibecame very vocal about my life
very young.
(12:32):
So at 12 years old I was givengiving the testimony of my life
and like how God had saved meand despite everything else that
I had gone through that, like Iwas going to be okay and made
it through and looking back onthat, I'm not sure that was the
best way to go about it, but Ido think I received some healing
through that and just having asafe space to share my story and
(12:54):
people to hear that.
I think now if I listen to a12-year-old talk about publicly
how her parents died, like as anadult, like that, I don't know
that just drives me the wrongway, but I don't know that's
what my church encouraged me todo.
So here we are.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
And when you look back at those times, what do you
make of it?
You know the fact that you weregiving such a testimony at that
age.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
I mean, I think that you know, people say that kids
that have gone through traumaare kind of forced to grow up,
forced to grow up faster, and Ithink that's kind of just what
happened, like I was kind ofthrown into adulthood.
I was already the oldestdaughter, so I have like that
you know elder sibling thingwhere, like you want to be the
best or the favorite or you knowhigh achiever, all those things
(13:44):
that get kind of put on olderchildren.
Um, so I think I was justforced to grow up fast.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
And um, so you get diagnosed.
So you get diagnosed in incollege, your sophomore year,
and you said that that changedthe trajectory of your life.
In what way do you feel yourlife changed post-diagnosis?
Speaker 2 (14:12):
So the most obvious way is I didn't finish school
where I started, so I hadreceived a full tuition
scholarship to the University ofNebraska and that's where I was
for my freshman and sophomoreyear and if I had not been
diagnosed with bipolar, I wouldhave stayed there, graduated in
four years and I probably wouldbe teaching in a school right
now Because of my diagnosis.
(14:33):
It took me 15 years to get mybachelor's and I attended five
different colleges and it wasjust kind of playing the
runaround game and I've neverreally stopped to think what
would have happened if I hadjust graduated in four years and
taught elementary school.
Like you know, I'm verythankful for where I'm at now,
but it's definitely been ajourney and I kind of almost
(14:54):
feel embarrassed saying, oh yeah, it took me 15 years to get my
bachelor's.
Like that I feel like I'mbelittling myself.
But it was a long journey and Iwas very proud of it.
When I walked the stage, it wasduring COVID.
It was 2021.
We're all wearing masks outsidein a football field and you
know.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I got my diploma and I was so proud of that.
And you know, I'll tell youthis, brittany, you know there
are a lot of people who don'thave a bachelor's degree.
I actually heard somewhere thatif you get a bachelor's degree
you're already, you know, in thecertain percentage group of
people.
And you know that was very eyeopening for me, because you know
(15:42):
, I think it's hard for us tosee the bigger picture in that
sense of you know, because youknow how.
(16:03):
I guess I know for me at leastspeaking for myself you know, as
I was growing up it was alreadykind of assumed OK, once you
get out of high school you'regoing to go to college.
I grew up in an area wherethere was like a 98, 99 percent
college acceptance rate and itwas just like I.
It was never even thought of Tonot ever go to college after
high school.
It was never like.
That was just not in my purviewat all.
And you know, it seems to methat you know you also kind of
had that too.
Correct me if I'm wrong fromwhat I'm hearing in you being
(16:26):
that overachiever at a young age.
You know a lot, a lot driventhrough trauma, right, because
it was like, and I do definitelyagree that trauma makes you
grow up in many ways faster thanother people and that you know
you have.
You learn to take the you.
You learn to kind of always bedriving the bus and that's in
(16:48):
some way right.
Whether you're exhausted, sick,scared, whatever it may be,
you're always learning to drivethe bus and it seems like you
know.
For you it was the same thing,that it was like this is what's
going to happen, there's nothingelse.
You know.
For you it was the same thing,that it was like this is what's
going to happen, there's nothingelse in the purview.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Oh yeah, it was no question that I was going to go
to college, like like that wasin the cards, for I mean, it was
the same way for everyone in myfamily, like most of my parents
and aunts and uncles, they allhave a degree.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
So it was like, oh yeah, that's just what you do.
You graduate high school, yougo to college.
You grow up like no question,right, right.
And so when you um sopost-diagnosis you said that
you've gone to differentcolleges, what was the hardest
part about going back to schoolpost-diagnosis?
Speaker 2 (17:35):
So at first it was the fact that the medications
that I was being given to helpstabilize me were putting me to
sleep, so I literally was notable to stay awake in my classes
.
This is when I was going.
Everything was in person.
It was before they offered alot of virtual classes, so it
was all in person 8am, 9amclasses.
I am falling asleep.
(17:56):
I can't stay awake.
My friend used to like elbow meand, like Brittany, wake up and
just adjusting to life onmedication and all the side
effects that come with it,knowing that I had to get a
certain amount of sleep.
So I couldn't be like myfriends who are cramming, study
until 3am because I have a 10o'clock bedtime if I want to
(18:17):
make sure that I stay mentallystable.
So I couldn't participate inthe college party life.
I couldn't do all the thingseverybody else was doing because
my mental health had to comefirst.
If I didn't have that, you knowwhere I needed to be the rest
of my life wouldn't go on asplanned.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
Right, and so it was the medication that you know it
was kept kept making you sleepyduring the day so there was a
lot of I take it.
You know it was kept keptmaking you sleepy during the day
so there was a lot of I take it.
You had to go and getconstantly.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
They go back to the doctor to get readjusted or
changed with medicine At onepoint I was, my uncle decided it
was the best thing for me wasto go to this 30 day treatment
facility in Tennessee.
I think it was in Knoxville,tennessee, and I laugh because
that's also where I think SelenaGomez went, or somebody.
Somebody else famous went tothe same treatment center after
(19:08):
I did, not at the same time, butI'm like okay, I'm famous Now I
went to a treatment center thata celebrity did, and so I
remember he pulled me out ofschool.
I had just started school atEast Texas Baptist University
for one week.
I told my uncle that I washaving problems and he goes okay
, I found you, this treatmentcenter in Tennessee, we're going
to take you there.
I was like, okay, at that pointI didn't know I had an option
(19:31):
to say no or that I had anychoice in the matter, so I just
went along with it, and thatdisrupted school for another
year before I went back.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
And what was it like to be in that treatment facility
?
Speaker 2 (19:51):
It was awful On day one of equine therapy I got
stepped on by a horse, so thatwas awful.
It was very secluded.
It was very, very like I thinkthere was maybe less than 20
people at the facility at a time, as far as, like patients, you
didn't have your phone, youdidn't have kind of access to
anything outside the center.
(20:13):
Um, they did have things set up.
Like you know, you had alive-in chef that would make
your meals or you know you had avery strict schedule throughout
the day that included, you know, one-on-one therapy, group
therapy, meditation, yoga.
So they were trying to make itthe best they could to
rehabilitate.
But in those kind of centers itnever really repeats what real
(20:37):
life is going to be like.
So, though you may see successin the treatment center, when
you return back to real life,you don't have a schedule of
yoga, meditation, like CBT, dbt,like you don't have that.
So it's hard to actually feellike you've gotten better once
you leave.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Well, that's kind of the risk people take by going to
these kinds of centers, I feel,because a lot of times they
focus, you know, on one aspectof life but that they don't take
into consideration the holisticapproach.
Because once people leave thatkind of environment and are put
back in the real world, firstand foremost there's the
(21:14):
adjustment period too, that,okay, you know, I'm kind of out
of this confinement Now, I'mliving back in normal life.
How do I go about this, nowthat I'm free for all practical
purposes?
And then, number two, it's likeokay, now, where you know, how
can I practice the tools Right?
And that's why you know, a lotof times you hear about many
(21:36):
like high end rehab facilities,for example, having high
recidivism rates of peoplerelapsing, because they only
focus on one aspect, you know,and it's not only you know about
.
Like, for example, when you'reworking with people who have
addiction, it's not just workingabout sobriety, sobriety,
sobriety.
All the time you have to alsofocus on other things, like what
(21:58):
in their life caused them right, drove them to addiction, what
you know, what is the underlyingtrauma they've had in their
life.
You know, a lot of times withaddiction it's a comorbid, like
a duality of the diagnosis,rather because they have the
addiction, which is like thelayer of the cake right, the
icing on the cake is theaddiction, but when you cut the
(22:18):
cake and look at the spongeparts of the cake, that's where
you find you know there's liketrauma, there's mental illness,
there's other factors that needto be looked into and treated,
and so you know you hear a lotof this with you know these
kinds of you know treatments.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
And that was true for me too.
So something that I deal withalong with mental health is kind
of like disordered eating.
So when I got released out ofthat rehab center in Tennessee,
I was not set up with properliving situation.
So I was put in a house where Ihad one room, but sharing the
house was also like an older manin his eighties and his
(22:57):
caretaker and her daughter and Ibecame very, um, kind of
suicidal.
I would have thoughts about likeI couldn't be in the kitchen
cause there were knives and Ididn't want to put myself in a
place where I could potentiallyhurt myself, like those kinds of
thoughts, and so for thatreason I refused to go in the
(23:17):
kitchen.
So for an entire year I ate outfor three meals a day because I
refused to go in the kitchen.
So for an entire year I ate outfor three meals a day because I
was scared to be in my kitchen.
So I wasn't placed in a livingsituation that was conducive to
healing of my mental health andthen developed this eating
situation that was not healthyand I've been dealing with that
since 2009.
To present day, where I stillhave, I feel, unhealthy eating
(23:41):
habits and relationship withfood that I'm not happy with.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
And so that brings us into that topic of binge eating
, which I know that you'veshared in the Say it Out Loud
group as well, that that'ssomething you've struggled with
and I have struggled with thatin my life as well.
So can you tell me a little bitabout what it was like for you?
Speaker 2 (24:07):
So mostly it's just not feeling like I have control
over my cravings.
So I tend to get in a habitwhere I'm really busy and I have
a really packed day and thelast thing on my mind is eating.
So by the time I think abouteating, I'm starving and I may
have only one thing on my mind,and that thing may be Panda
Express.
So I'm going to go to a PandaExpress, fill an entire to-go
(24:31):
plate full of food and shovel itdown my throat because all I
can think about is how hungry Iam and that I haven't eaten in
eight hours.
And then at the end of it I'msitting there feeling sick.
I haven't eaten in eight hours,and then at the end of it I'm
sitting there feeling sick,unsatisfied having eaten food
that's not the best for me, andthen mad at myself because I did
all that.
And so it's like all thesenegative feelings go into just
(24:51):
eating food you know and peoplehave talked about.
Maybe we shouldn't assign, youknow, good food and bad food,
but I go way the opposite andpunish myself for simply eating.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
When did you notice this start to take place with
the binge eating?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
I feel like it's been something that's kind of been
creeping around my life like mywhole adulthood.
You know, when I was firstdiagnosed with bipolar, some of
the medications that they theygave me induced extreme weight
gain.
So, for example, I gained 50pounds within about 18 months of
my diagnosis, and the hospitalthat I was in after I was
(25:33):
diagnosed was in Nebraska andthey literally are feeding you
corn and potatoes and just allthis stuff that is not healthy
and so that, given on top of themedications making me want to
eat more, I feel like it startedprobably around the same time
of my diagnosis.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
And what is it that you were looking for?
Because a lot of times whenpeople are craving, there's
usually something in it thatthey're seeking right.
And I know for me, when I usedto binge eat, my binge eating
started when I was in New YorkCity, more so, and I mean I did
a little bit of this in lawschool, but it really took off
(26:15):
in New York City and it was forme.
I used to go to an Indianrestaurant every weekend that it
was the same restaurant that Iused to frequent.
It was on the upper West side,and I would get a whole I don't
know if you're familiar withIndian food or not A little bit
(26:36):
Okay.
So I would get um non, which isthe bread.
I would get um paneer tikka,which is basically cheese in a
like a tomato ish kind of sauce,but they used they used to make
it a little bit healthierbecause they used to say they
were not using cream in it andthey were putting yogurt in it
instead, but it was deliciousNonetheless.
(26:56):
I used.
Obviously, it came with rice,and then I used to order some
yogurt, because, you know,indians like to eat their food
with yogurt.
Um, then, if that wasn't enough, then I'd have like glasses of
wine with my dinner and then Iwould go and get frozen yogurt,
because it was a frozen yogurtshop two doors down, and then I
would walk all the way back tomy apartment.
(27:19):
But here's the thing I wasdamaging my body so much and for
me, the reason I kept cravingand doing what I was doing is
because I was not living a lifethat was in alignment with my
values.
Right, I was working in a legalfield which I hated every minute
of waking up to, and it was alot of resistance and pressure
for me to stay in that field.
(27:39):
Even I mean not necessarilythat I stay in New York, you
know, because you know myparents would have jumped on
every opportunity to get me backin Chicago sooner than the five
years that I lived in New York,but still it was like every
opportunity to get me back.
I mean to stay in the legalfield because of prestige,
(27:59):
because of the title, when truthof the matter is it was not
happy and I'll tell you, Istarted getting chest pain
eventually from it because I wasbinging too much.
I knew I had to make changesand things like that, and then
it took a lot.
But I eventually and I writeabout this in my upcoming book
as well that I had to find itwithin me to be courageous
(28:23):
enough to jump ship and say I'mnot doing this anymore.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
So for me, I think it's seeking happiness.
So I think I do have a lot ofgood memories around food as a
kid, like I remember.
We had a live in nanny growingup and she would make us these
homemade cheeseburgers that werelike the bomb.
She would make us thesehomemade cheeseburgers that were
like the bomb.
I looked forward to thesecheeseburgers when she would
make them.
And even in middle school whenI was living with my aunt and
(28:47):
uncle, like we'd go to Sonic orwe'd go to McDonald's we'd get a
cheeseburger and I would justbe so happy about it.
So I have a slight addiction tocheeseburgers.
I blame childhood, but like,even like when I get together
with friends if we're eating outor even if we're eating in, I
have a lot of happy memoriesassociated with food.
So I think part of the timewhen I am binging, when I'm
eating by myself because usuallyI only binge eat if I'm eating
(29:10):
by myself then that's somethingthat I've kind of correlated
like.
That's interesting to note.
I only overeat when I'm bymyself and I think it's trying
to fulfill that need forhappiness somehow, like the food
tastes good or the food willmake me feel good until I eat so
much that it doesn't, or youknow things like that.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
And I know, like you know, you've been talking a lot
about things you've been doingfor yourself in order to help
yourself with the, with breakingsome of these patterns.
So what have you been noticingis working for you thus far and
trying to break these patternsand like what is something that
you've discovered within youthat brings you happiness and
(29:57):
also helps you cope with thesefeelings in a healthier way for
you.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
So one thing that I finally did is I have never
sought out any kind ofprofessional help when it comes
to eating.
Like I may have worked withlike, like fitness coaches who
are like, oh yeah, I also donutritional coaching, coaching
but they're not reallydietitians or they're not really
nutritionists, they just kindof have studied it for
themselves.
But Vasavi actually suggestedthat I look into a dietitian and
(30:28):
I was like, oh yeah, dietitianscovered by my insurance, this
sounds like a great option.
So I had my first meeting withmy dietitian last week and she
goes okay, before I give you ameal plan, before we talk about
any of your goals for the firstweek, all I want you to do is
take a picture of everything youeat.
That's it.
Like I used to log on myfitness pal where you have to
log in the calories and you haveto log in.
(30:49):
You know all that, but none ofthat.
She just said make it simple,take a picture of your food, put
it in the app and you know, ina week we'll talk about it.
Seemed easy to me.
After three days of that I waslike overanalyzed.
I was like I don't want to eatthat cookie because I have to
take a picture of it I don'twant to because I have to get a
picture of it and it was justlike I overthought, maybe in a
(31:10):
good way.
I was becoming more aware thatlike, oh, maybe I snack more
than I thought I did, or maybemy portions are bigger than I
thought I did, because I wasforced to keep myself
accountable by simply taking aphoto.
And it's actually it's beenworking really well for me.
I'm almost at the end of thatfirst week and so I'm interested
to see what the dietitian hasto say.
But I'm very proud of myselffor finally reaching out to
(31:32):
someone who knows more than I do, because, yes, I can say I can
research things I've logged onMyFitnessPal before, can say I
can research things I've loggedon my fitness pal before.
But having that accountabilityof someone who has studied and
knows that area better than I do, I'm really looking forward to
continuing working with her andaddressing.
You know what I'm going through.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Well, I want to commend you for taking the
action towards your bettermentand towards you feeling better
about who you are and showingyourself that love and
compassion that you deserve,because you give love and
compassion to everyone else sofreely, and I want you to know
(32:13):
that you deserve to have allthat love and compassion for
yourself too.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
No worries.
And speaking of love andcompassion, now I know you've
also been through.
You know as much as you've hadhappy memories being with your
friends and being with familyand having you know having
relationships with others,family and having you know
having relationships with others.
You also had some challengingmoments, especially when it came
into romantic department interms of relationships, and from
(32:44):
my understanding you hadmentioned that you were in a
toxic relationship.
Can you tell us a little bitabout that experience and what
that was like for you?
Speaker 2 (32:57):
Sure, so I've been a serial monogamous since I was 13
.
I had my first boyfriend at 13.
We dated for three years.
When we broke up I foundanother boyfriend in a span of
two weeks.
Then I dated that guy for threeyears and I was telling someone
I don't think I've been singlemore than a year straight in my
(33:17):
entire life.
I've just always been withsomeone.
That said, I grew up in thechurch, where you're supposed to
grow up, get married, have kids.
So that influence was also onmy mind that I needed to get
married right away, find a goodguy, have kids and that's my
life.
So around 23, at this point Iwas not in school.
(33:37):
It was one of the times that Iwas in between colleges, my
girlfriend and I.
I had just gotten my firsthouse on my own at 23.
I had my high school friendmove in and we were going
clubbing or out to shoot poollike every Friday night and at
one of the pool halls here intown I was just kind of meeting
guys.
(33:58):
They would either come up to usor we would go up to them and
this one guy like gave me hisnumber and was like basically
call me for a good time kind ofsituation and I didn't really
think of it, didn't do anything.
But then a month later Ireturned and ran into him again.
I'm like, oh, maybe this meanssomething.
So we went out on a date and hewas kind of a funny guy but he
(34:21):
was in a situation where, like,he couldn't afford to pay rent
where he was living.
So he ended up moving in withme.
Within about a month of usknowing each other, I just got
in my new house and I was like,oh, look, I have all these rooms
, why don't somebody move inwith me?
I just got in my new house andI was like, oh, look, I have all
these rooms, why don't somebodymove in with me?
So a guy that I had just moved,it just met, moved in with me.
Um, I think all he brought waslike a TV and his clothes, and
(34:44):
I'm like that should have beensign number one All he owns is a
TV and his clothes.
But anyways, um we, we hadseemingly good times.
Um, we, we had seemingly goodtimes.
Um, and I knew I wanted to getmarried and I was like, well,
I'm dating this guy, he's notthe worst, so why don't I just
marry this guy?
(35:04):
And I was about to receive alump sum of money from um, my
parents distribution after theypassed and I was like, oh great,
now I have money to have awedding.
So I honestly think the onlyreason that I decided to get
married the first time to thisparticular gentleman was because
I had money and I was going toreceive money to have a wedding,
(35:26):
and so we got married within ayear of knowing each other.
At that point my girlfriendmoved out, so it was just the
guy and I, and he startedgetting really angry with me and
I got off my bipolar medicationbecause I wanted to have a kid.
Remember, my idea was getmarried, have a kid, so I
(35:47):
thought it'd be the smart thing.
I probably shouldn't be onbipolar meds while I have a baby
, so let me get off of them.
Wrong step, number 10.
So I was more irritable, he wasmore irritable.
There got to a point where wewere violent towards each other.
I had to replace two doors inthe house because they were
(36:08):
broken because of our fights andit was not a good situation.
The way that that relationshipended was actually through a
manic episode, and I have neverbeen more thankful for a manic
episode, I think my ex-husbandfinally realized I didn't sign
up to go to the bar, meet thisbipolar chick and, you know,
deal with all her crazy shit.
Um, so I'm out.
(36:28):
So when I got checked into ahospital for that manic episode
in 2014, when I came out of thehospital, he had moved out of
the house with his TV and hisclothes.
So that's how that went.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
And during that manic episode that you had at the
time, what had happened that gotyou checked in?
Speaker 2 (36:50):
I was having kind of that paranoia thoughts.
I had called 911, or I asked myex-husband to call 911 for me
but he wouldn't.
So I called myself and saidthat my ex was trying to poison
me in the coffee that I wasdrinking, which that probably
wasn't true.
But, like I said, I wasparanoid and just very irritable
.
Not sleeping again, not eating.
So the same similar behaviorsthat got me diagnosed the first
(37:12):
time were happening again.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
That must have been very tough, though to deal with.
You know.
Of all that.
You know you had, you know, alot of well, first and foremost,
you know the chemicalimbalances going on that you
know were beyond your control,without the help of medication.
Then to be off medication, youknow, and trying to live up to
this expectation that you'resupposed to have gotten married
(37:40):
and have kids right, a valuethat was instilled in you, not
even just you.
I think women in general getthis, no matter what you know,
and I think this gets it cutsacross all bounds here, in the
sense of it doesn't matter whatrace you are, what religion you
are, what cultural, ethnicbackground you come from.
(38:01):
I think women all over havethis thing pushed on them that,
okay, you grow up, you're goingto meet someone, you're going to
get married and then you'regoing to bear children and
you're going to have a familyand you're going to be married,
and then you're going to bearchildren and you're going to
have a family and you're goingto be a wife and a mother and
all the jazz that comes alongwith all that stuff.
But, um, and you know what.
(38:23):
But the thing is it's so hardto fill that you know, and
especially in the timeline thatpeople expect to be fulfilled
and now I'm a very happychildless dog mom.
Believe me, I'm a happy, I'm achildless dog mom too.
So we got that in common.
Yep, yep.
You know I know for and I don'tknow how it is for you, but
(38:48):
like I know for me, you knowit's been tough because you know
, being somebody who I am andI'm going to say this you know
and this is my first time beingvulnerable about this, really to
the core of it you know I'm thefirst in my whole family, on
both sides my mom and dad's sideto never have had a boyfriend
or be single at my age.
(39:09):
I'm a 42 year old girl and Imean I also have autism.
So you know, I know thatobviously that plays a role in
you know, the way I communicateor meet with people or things.
But everybody else on bothsides of the family you know
that I've seen have at leastexperienced relationships.
(39:33):
A lot of people are married anda lot of people have families
of their own.
But I'm like one of thosepeople.
You know that I'm like the.
I'm like kind of like the blacksheep in the family in that
sense, because I don't, I didn'tlive like my cousins did and I
would not, you know.
And I know my parents.
I don't know why they were sohell bent on pressing that issue
(39:54):
of Indians marrying Indians,and I would not, you know, and I
know my parents.
I don't know why they were sohell bent on pressing that issue
of Indians marrying Indians andI, honestly, am a firm believer
.
I would know.
I've already seen what thatculture has done to someone like
me who's on the autism spectrumand doesn't fit the box.
And I'm not saying all Indians.
(40:15):
I want to make this very clear.
I'm not trying to be prejudiceor anything like that.
Well, I'm Indian myself, right,but I'm not all Indians.
I think there are people whoare trying to make a change and
being like we got to cut some ofthis BS that this culture
perpetuates.
I do believe there are peopleout there doing that now, but I
mean, this is how for me, andsometimes it you know some.
Sometimes it gets hard thoughtoo, you know, and it's.
(40:36):
I don't know if this happens toyou, but do you ever have
people be like giving you likederogatory comments because of
being bipolar, giving you likekind of like, oh, that's gross
or oh that's you know?
Have you ever heard anythinglike that from people before?
Speaker 2 (41:04):
Not in the recent past, but I will say I am very
hesitant to announce that I dealwith bipolar to my business.
Like so I teach kids right and Ihad a kind of first iteration
of my music studio and rememberI said I had that manic episode
in 2014 where my ex-husband leftme.
I was teaching about 15 kids atthat time and through the manic
episode I destroyed all therelationships with my students
and had to completely start overbecause of the things I may
(41:25):
have said or done in a manicepisode.
So I'm very hesitant and Ihaven't really told anyone that
I currently teach, that I dealwith bipolar disorder, because
I'm afraid that either mystudents will leave me or the
parents won't trust me, whichthere's no founding reason for
them to feel that way.
Like I'm a very in control,self-aware teacher.
(41:45):
I have had an episode in thevery recent past and I dealt
with it in a proper way tooktime off, work and come back
when I was ready.
But, like, even on my socialmedia like I have a business
social media and a personal andI will not post anything bipolar
related on my business becauseI don't want to get judged by it
whether they will or not, Idon't even want to put that out
there, right.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
Right, and you know what I personally feel that
people who are quick to judgesomebody like that are people
who don't have the education tounderstand it.
You know, and that's one thingI had to learn for me, you know,
being on the spectrum and beinga therapist, because there were
mental health professionals whosaid, sonia, don't come here
(42:29):
and be a therapist because youhave autism.
You know there are people whohave phd's psychologist, so I
mean, I get you know that it's.
You know it can be very judgybut at the same time you never
know who it can help to rightright.
So, um, britney, you know, whatwould you give advice to when
(42:54):
dealing, now that you'veactually had experience with
dealing with somebody who,having had a toxic relationship,
having dealt with the mooddisorder pieces and aspects,
what are things you've learnedabout yourself through these
(43:16):
processes and what is somethingyou can inspire others with?
Speaker 2 (43:23):
so I think the biggest piece of it is you can't
live life alone.
So something that I did in myfirst marriage that I really
regret is I secluded myself off.
I don't remember having friendsat that time.
I told you that my girlfriendthat was living with me moved
out when we got married.
She was like my closest friendat the time, even though I would
see people in my work life likethey weren't really friends,
(43:46):
and so I feel like the fact thatI was so secluded made it more
difficult to get out of thetoxic relationship that I was in
.
So what I would recommend forother people is make sure,
whether it's friends or family,that you have at least one or
two people in your life that youfeel comfortable opening up to,
that you feel comfortable beingvulnerable even in the hardest
(44:06):
situations, because those arethe people that can help walk
you through those hard times.
Even stepping back to thesituation where I told you, I
was in that unhealthy livingspace when I was alone, where I
was afraid of being in thekitchen, like again, I don't
remember having friends at thattime that I could have reached
out to, and you know, sometimesit's hard as adults to make
(44:28):
friends, but I've done my bestnow and now I'm 36.
I have a great group ofgirlfriends and guy friends that
I can trust and rely on.
If you were in a place to findone or two people that you can
trust, I think that's the mostvaluable piece that you could
have in your life, because lifeis not meant to be lived alone.
Speaker 1 (44:51):
I really like that advice that life is not meant to
be lived alone and we all needpeople.
How did you go about findingyour people?
Speaker 2 (45:02):
So my people came about in 2021.
I was seeking out piano lessonsfor myself.
I thought you know what?
I bet I can get better at whatI'm doing.
Let me seek out.
So I was introduced to a friendwho became my piano teacher and
then he introduced me to allthe piano me seek out.
So I was introduced to a friendwho became my piano teacher and
then he introduced me to allthe piano people he knew.
So now I have a cohort of pianoteacher and composer friends
(45:23):
that we meet on a weekly basisand it's just a growing music
community there and we're ableto support each other both in
business and personal.
As far as like social lifeoutside of that, I am very big
into Facebook groups orInstagram groups.
Here in Austin there's likeAustin Latinas Hangout, austin
you know, girlfriend Hangout.
(45:43):
There's so many.
I don't know if it's this wayin Chicago, but here there are
so many Facebook and Instagramgroups and I just put myself out
there.
I became an ambassador for agroup here called the Austin
Latinos Unidas, where I wouldhost monthly events.
Sometimes people would come,sometimes nobody would come, but
it was a way to engage with mycommunity in a way that was fun
(46:03):
and inspiring.
We've done book clubs, we didZumba, we did coffee meetups, we
did just kind of co-workingsessions.
So I was very intentional aboutputting myself in the community
because, like I said, life isnot meant to be lived alone.
Speaker 1 (46:19):
And how do you feel about yourself nowadays and I
know that you are happilymarried now and what was that
journey like?
To finally find love and tofinally have, you know, achieve
some of that peace that youwanted for yourself.
Speaker 2 (46:40):
So I think it was a matter of just believing that I
was worth it, believing that Ideserve to have that happiness.
It took a while.
Even with friendships, there'stimes where I'll go to my
husband.
I'll be like, babe, I don'thave any friends, and then he'll
list off all the events that Ijust did in the last month or
the last week and he's like,babe, you have friends, you just
(47:02):
don't see it.
Maybe someone's not texting youright now, but you have friends
.
And so it's a matter of justbeing thankful and in a place to
receive that.
I'm glad I have my husband, I'mglad for the business I have
and the friends that I have.
But I think there was a pointleading up to that where I
thought I wasn't worth it.
(47:23):
I thought that I didn't deservethat, that it was okay to just
get by.
But now, being in a place whereI'm like no, I saw a meme today
today, I see if I can quote itcorrectly but it's like
abundance has always been there.
We just kind of hinder it fromhappening or from seeing it,
something like that, but likeabundance is always there, it's
(47:44):
like we are the ones that arestopping it or not being able to
receive it.
And so once you realize thatlike I think, things change a
little bit.
Speaker 1 (47:54):
Right, you know, and I I definitely appreciate that
perspective that abundance hasalways been there.
We haven't seen it.
I appreciate you saying thattoday, because sometimes I think
I myself need that reminder.
So thank you for putting here.
And so, last thing, how wouldyou feel like your music like?
(48:15):
How do you feel like?
You know music has also helpedshape you and inspire you, and
are there any particularfavorite pieces you like to play
?
Speaker 2 (48:25):
So music has kind of been my grounding point.
So I said this to someone elsethat, like you know, no matter
how I'm feeling, if I sit downand play a Chopin Nocturne, all
the notes are going to be thesame, whether I've had a good
day, whether I've had a crappyday, whether I've been crying
and sad or whether I've beensuper excited.
When I sit down to play thatpiece, all the notes are going
(48:48):
to be the same.
Now, the energy that I give toit or the style that I choose to
play with may change, but it'smy grounding point that the song
will essentially sound the same.
And you know I use music to liftme up.
I use music to fill my timeswhen I'm feeling bored and like
there's nothing to do.
I use music to entertain others.
(49:10):
I've been super active on myInstagram lately, posting
Christmas videos, and it's beensuper fun for me to just, you
know, do maybe a 30 second, 45second clip and just kind of put
it out there, because you knowwe all like hearing Christmas
music.
Whether we've heard, you know,mariah Carey's A Million Times,
or whether it's Jingle Bells,there's something altogether
(49:32):
uniting about music.
So, yeah, it's grounding for meand it kind of brings people
together.
Speaker 1 (49:41):
And is there like a favorite piece that you love to
go to, that just when you're ina, let's say, you feel sad or
you feel a little lonely or youknow, maybe you're just looking
for you know.
Yeah, what then to do?
Is there some?
I?
Speaker 2 (49:55):
have two of those pieces when I'm feeling like I
need to just make some noiseCause, like this is my baby
grand piano over here, if you'renot watching.
I have a baby grand piano andit makes a lot of noise.
And so when there's when I justwant to get all that like
tension out, it's a BromRhapsody in G minor.
It just it's uh brahm rhapsodyin g minor um it, just it's very
(50:20):
like dominant, like you, justif you, I'll share with it later
.
I'll share it with you later.
Um, you just get all your powerout on that song.
And then something else, kindof more on the beautiful side,
more lyrical, are the schubertimpromptus.
So these are pieces that Ilearned when I was in college
and I have a lot of emotionalties to them because for a while
there I thought I peaked incollege.
I thought the best pianist thatI'm ever going to be is when I
(50:40):
was in music school.
But I finally gotten over thathump and seeing that, no, now,
as a 36 year old piano teacher,composer, pianist like I'm doing
better now than I was when Iwas 19.
Speaker 1 (50:58):
You know, and I honestly am so proud of you and
listening to your journey andlistening to you sharing your
story and your truth with all ofus, and I know that this is
wasn't easy for you to come outhere and share your
vulnerability, nor is it evereasy for anybody.
But I want to thank you fromthe bottom of my heart and,
brittany, if people want toreach out to you, where can
people find?
Speaker 2 (51:18):
you.
So I am on Instagram atBrittany Benavidez Smith and I
also have a blog that I'mworking on and that is a pause
and keyscom.
Speaker 1 (51:30):
Amazing.
And where can we get access tothat blog?
Oh, just pausing, just on thatwebsite.
Yeah, just pausingkeyscom.
Yep, oh gosh, why do I ask sucha dumb question sometimes?
Oh my God, I'm sorry.
Sorry about that audience.
Okay, that's not like me a lot,but then again, that's what
being on the spectrum is about,sometimes.
All right, so, anyhow, you know, thank you so much, brittany,
(51:54):
for being on here.
Thank you for sharing yourstory.
Ladies and gentlemen, let'sgive it up for Brittany Benavida
Smith.
She is amazing.
Please follow her on Instagram,pawsandkeyscom for her blog and
I'll have it on the show notes.
And thank you all for tuning into this week's episode of On
(52:14):
the Spectrum with Sonia.
And please, if you haven'talready, please rate, review,
subscribe, share it with yourfamily and friends, and I am
looking forward to providing youwith more episodes.
So stay tuned.
Hi everyone and welcome to today's episode of On
the Spectrum with Sonia.
Today we have a very specialguest with us, brittany
Benavides-Smith, and she is hereto discuss about her journey
with bipolar disorder, alsoshare some of the challenges
she's faced in her life.
So if anybody is not in a safeplace to hear this, please I
(00:27):
would actually recommend thatyou maybe put a pause on
listening to this episode,because there are some trigger
warnings here, because she willbe talking about abusive
relationships.
She will be talking about bingeeating, and this is a podcast
where we come together todiscuss autism spectrum, mental
(00:47):
health and anybody who'sovercome any obstacle or any
challenge in their life and ishere to lead people feeling
connected, hopeful and full oflove, especially in a world that
tries to disconnect us.
In a world that tries todisconnect us, brittany is the
(01:10):
ideal guest for this podcastbecause she fits all of the
objectives of On the Spectrumwith Sonia.
I met Brittany at the Say it OutLoud group that is run by
Vasavi Kumar and in the timethat I've gotten to know
Brittany, she embodies not onlya person who has a very powerful
and compelling story to tell,but also somebody who also shows
(01:32):
love, compassion, loyalty,faith, dedication and ambition,
particularly to things like hercoaching, and especially when it
comes to the piano.
She does teach music.
She's a very good teacher, andI've seen clips of how students
(01:54):
have come to her and havealready been mastering amazing
pieces, pieces.
I only dream that I wish Icould play on the piano, but who
knows?
I mean, I know a great teachernow, so and and there's a piano
at my parents' place.
So now that I know that I canconnect the two and 2025 is a
year I've been thinking aboutgetting more into my creative
(02:16):
side.
Possibilities are endless.
So, without further ado, let'splease welcome Brittany.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Hi Sonia, Thanks so much for inviting me.
I'm so glad that we could havethis conversation today.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Thank you.
I am so honored that you'rehere, and I want to thank you
for agreeing and giving us yourtime.
And so, brittany, why don't youintroduce yourself a little bit
?
Tell us about you.
Tell us about just you knowwhat?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
makes Brittany Brittany Sure.
So my name is BrittanyBenavidez Smith.
I reside in Georgetown, texas,which is near Austin, and I am a
music teacher.
I have been teaching kids inpiano, ukulele and guitar for
the past 16 years and it is mypure joy and passion.
Nothing gives me more joy thanseeing a kid go from knowing
(03:08):
absolutely nothing on aninstrument to being able to
perform it masterfully atrecitals and performances.
I had one student this semesterwho wrote her own song and
submitted it to her middleschool competition and it won an
award.
So she's now an award-winningcomposer after studying in our
classes together.
Outside of music, I am a dogmom, so I have two pit bulls,
(03:32):
one who is a puppy and iscurrently destroying every bit
of my house, and then my oldergirl, who's been with us since
she's nine years old, and I livewith my husband and my two dogs
and yeah, Well, thank you forsharing that piece about you.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
I had no idea that you do also ukulele and guitar
as well.
I had no idea I must have seenyou do piano and talk about
piano, but I know it's mypassion because I started that
when I was six, so it's beenlike my whole life's journey.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Guitar and ukulele I'm self-taught more in like my
late adult, like young adultyears, but piano is definitely
my passion.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Oh, you know, the piano is a beautiful instrument.
I remember when I used to playI take lessons when I was
younger.
There was a time, because I wasacting too silly, that the
teacher told my parents that heneeded to take a.
We needed to take a pause andwait till I could grow up a
little.
And I remember this pianoteacher that used to come to my
(04:36):
parents house and the house Igrew up in really they, you know
he used to teach me by ear.
I never really learned how toplay music but he used to just
demonstrate and I used to justpick up from my hearing.
But later I had to startlearning how to read music
because when I joined the schoolband um, starting in fifth
(04:58):
grade, and I played the flutefor about a couple of years, I
remember we had to learn how toplay like bass and treble clef.
We had to learn all the notesyou know and how to you know
about half notes and all thisother, all the other fun jazz if
you will.
And then I tried picking uppiano again when I was in law
school, at this music schoolthat I went to to take voice and
(05:21):
piano and as a hobby because Ineeded something outside of law
school because I hated it toomuch, so I needed something
outside of it.
And I remember just it was hard, it was hard.
I just remember the whole forbass and treble clef.
I remember just every good boydeserves fudge.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
And then there, you go, you got it.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
That's all you need I .
Then I forgot and I remember itwas like f-a-c-e for the other
four keys or whatever, and thenit was like all cows eat grass
was the other hand, left hand,and I say look, you are already
10 steps ahead.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
You know those.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
You are on your way to learning piano okay, brittany
, not that you're just trying topush me into getting back into
piano playing.
Okay, I see what you're doing,but yeah, but tell us how you
got started with music and tellus a little bit about your
journey, as I understand thatyou, too, have had a very
powerful story in with mentalhealth as well.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
So my mom put me in piano lessons when I was six
years old and I took for abouttwo or three years.
But when I was nine my parentspassed away in a tragic accident
and piano lessons were notcontinued for me after that.
There was always a piano in thehouse.
I was raised by aunts anduncles and so we had pianos, but
I just I didn't continuelessons.
(06:41):
It wasn't until middle schoolthat I was.
I had joined the choir and I gotan interest for relearning
piano and I think I took fromlike somebody that lived nearby
for a year or so.
And then, when I got into highschool, my choir director saw
potential in me and encouragedme to learn piano to basically
accompany the choir.
And so I kind of taught myselfokay, I need to know the basic
(07:04):
notes so I can play with thechoir.
And so I kind of taught myselfokay, I need to know the basic
notes so I can play with thechoir.
And by my senior year my choirteacher was like okay, at this
point I think you can likepursue music in college.
And that was like beyond myfurthest imagination.
I never thought that I wouldpursue any like music in college
.
That just was so far fetched Iwas like no, I have to, I'm
going to do nursing or I'm goingto do something in business.
Like I was very driven into howI can make a career.
(07:26):
It never occurred to me thatmusic could be a career.
So I went into college as anursing major.
My dad was a nurse when I wasgrowing up and that was just
kind of in my mind like okay,I'm just going to fulfill you
know dad's purpose and I'll justbe a nurse.
But after my first semester ofchemistry I was like, nope, this
is not for me.
So I auditioned to get into themusic school and given that I
(07:50):
didn't have the classicaltraining and that everybody else
had had growing up, I didn'tget in.
They said, okay, we'll let youin as a music minor, but take
some private lessons for asemester and then audition again
.
So I did that and I loved theprivate lessons at the
collegiate level.
Like it was so intense but somuch fun.
I was learning repertoire thatI had only dreamed of learning.
(08:10):
That was super fun andempowering for me as a musician
to see that if I practice I canlearn anything I put my mind to.
So I got in the next semesteras a music major with a focus in
music education, and that wasmy sophomore year.
At the end of my sophomore yearthings seemed to feel a little
(08:31):
funny for me.
I was not really eating, Ibecame obsessed with working out
, I was not really sleeping andall of this at the time seemed
like normal, maybe collegebehavior, for, like finals,
right During finals, we'restudying, we're not sleeping,
we're not eating.
So didn't really think anythingof it until I got to the point
where I was feeling this superweird paranoia, like I believed
(08:55):
that the government was out toget me.
I was about to break my phonein half because I felt like I
was being tracked, like thatreally weird behavior, and my
family and friends startednoticing like okay, something's
not right with Brittany, likethis doesn't feel normal.
So after the end of my sophomoreyear I was checked into a
mental health hospital here inAustin and immediately the
(09:17):
doctors were like oh, that'sbipolar.
Like I couldn't have seen itbecause no one in my life had
ever talked about bipolar.
I only knew it as bipolarweather.
You know when we say oh, theweather is so bipolar, I never
knew it as a diagnosis.
So that's how I came upon that.
It was kind of as a result ofthe end of my college, like I
(09:40):
was super focusing on music, notsleeping, not eating, and then
all these weird thoughts came in, led to a diagnosis, and now
the whole trajectory of my lifechanged at that point.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
So, brittany, when you were growing up though when
you look back, before you gotthis diagnosis of bipolar were
there, and I do want to say, atthis time as well, my
condolences to hear about yourparents.
I know that that must have beena very challenging and very
difficult and traumatic thingfor a person, especially your
(10:16):
age at that time being sixcorrect.
I was nine, yeah, you were nine,nine, nine to have to go
through losing not only one butboth parents simultaneously.
And you know, and quite youknow.
Naturally I'm pretty sure thatthe grief had strict, you know,
had kicked in for you, and thesadness of missing your parents
(10:39):
also had kicked in for you.
But was there other times toothat you've you know, anything
else that also stood out to you?
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Um.
So I would have kind of likesome anger periods, but it was
never anything out of patternthat maybe a teenager might feel
Right, so it wasn't.
There was no like signs leadingup to it to be like oh yeah, we
absolutely know, Brittany hadbipolar, you know, in middle
school or in high school.
It really wasn't until that onemanic episode where life just
(11:09):
fell apart.
So like anything leading up toit, like the moodiness up and
down, could have just beenattributed to that's a teenager
or that's just grief.
I saw a therapist when I wasreally right after my parents
died.
I was putting some kind of likechild therapy, um, but I didn't
.
I didn't see a therapist orhave any kind of mental health
(11:30):
clinician until I was diagnosedat 19.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
So nobody really saw anything so you never had any
help.
You know, growing up until youwere 19, um, were you ever given
like a safe space to process,though, you know, like talking
about your parents?
You know, when you were growingup, you know, I know you said
(11:54):
you lived with aunts and unclesand what was it like to, you
know, to?
Did they ever give you any kindof like consoling, or did they
ever allow you that space totalk about your parents, or was
it kind of a thing that peoplejust kind of acknowledged yet
they didn't get into?
Speaker 2 (12:12):
it kind of the latter .
It was mostly something theyacknowledged but it was never
really talked about in thehousehold, um, so the place that
I did get kind of a safe spaceto talk about it was at church.
So growing up I went to aprivate Christian school that
was also a Baptist church and Ibecame very vocal about my life
very young.
(12:32):
So at 12 years old I was givengiving the testimony of my life
and like how God had saved meand despite everything else that
I had gone through that, like Iwas going to be okay and made
it through and looking back onthat, I'm not sure that was the
best way to go about it, but Ido think I received some healing
through that and just having asafe space to share my story and
(12:54):
people to hear that.
I think now if I listen to a12-year-old talk about publicly
how her parents died, like as anadult, like that, I don't know
that just drives me the wrongway, but I don't know that's
what my church encouraged me todo.
So here we are.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
And when you look back at those times, what do you
make of it?
You know the fact that you weregiving such a testimony at that
age.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
I mean, I think that you know, people say that kids
that have gone through traumaare kind of forced to grow up,
forced to grow up faster, and Ithink that's kind of just what
happened, like I was kind ofthrown into adulthood.
I was already the oldestdaughter, so I have like that
you know elder sibling thingwhere, like you want to be the
best or the favorite or you knowhigh achiever, all those things
(13:44):
that get kind of put on olderchildren.
Um, so I think I was justforced to grow up fast.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
And um, so you get diagnosed.
So you get diagnosed in incollege, your sophomore year,
and you said that that changedthe trajectory of your life.
In what way do you feel yourlife changed post-diagnosis?
Speaker 2 (14:12):
So the most obvious way is I didn't finish school
where I started, so I hadreceived a full tuition
scholarship to the University ofNebraska and that's where I was
for my freshman and sophomoreyear and if I had not been
diagnosed with bipolar, I wouldhave stayed there, graduated in
four years and I probably wouldbe teaching in a school right
now Because of my diagnosis.
(14:33):
It took me 15 years to get mybachelor's and I attended five
different colleges and it wasjust kind of playing the
runaround game and I've neverreally stopped to think what
would have happened if I hadjust graduated in four years and
taught elementary school.
Like you know, I'm verythankful for where I'm at now,
but it's definitely been ajourney and I kind of almost
(14:54):
feel embarrassed saying, oh yeah, it took me 15 years to get my
bachelor's.
Like that I feel like I'mbelittling myself.
But it was a long journey and Iwas very proud of it.
When I walked the stage, it wasduring COVID.
It was 2021.
We're all wearing masks outsidein a football field and you
know.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I got my diploma and I was so proud of that.
And you know, I'll tell youthis, brittany, you know there
are a lot of people who don'thave a bachelor's degree.
I actually heard somewhere thatif you get a bachelor's degree
you're already, you know, in thecertain percentage group of
people.
And you know that was very eyeopening for me, because you know
(15:42):
, I think it's hard for us tosee the bigger picture in that
sense of you know, because youknow how.
(16:03):
I guess I know for me at leastspeaking for myself you know, as
I was growing up it was alreadykind of assumed OK, once you
get out of high school you'regoing to go to college.
I grew up in an area wherethere was like a 98, 99 percent
college acceptance rate and itwas just like I.
It was never even thought of Tonot ever go to college after
high school.
It was never like.
That was just not in my purviewat all.
And you know, it seems to methat you know you also kind of
had that too.
Correct me if I'm wrong fromwhat I'm hearing in you being
(16:26):
that overachiever at a young age.
You know a lot, a lot driventhrough trauma, right, because
it was like, and I do definitelyagree that trauma makes you
grow up in many ways faster thanother people and that you know
you have.
You learn to take the you.
You learn to kind of always bedriving the bus and that's in
(16:48):
some way right.
Whether you're exhausted, sick,scared, whatever it may be,
you're always learning to drivethe bus and it seems like you
know.
For you it was the same thing,that it was like this is what's
going to happen, there's nothingelse.
You know.
For you it was the same thing,that it was like this is what's
going to happen, there's nothingelse in the purview.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Oh yeah, it was no question that I was going to go
to college, like like that wasin the cards, for I mean, it was
the same way for everyone in myfamily, like most of my parents
and aunts and uncles, they allhave a degree.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
So it was like, oh yeah, that's just what you do.
You graduate high school, yougo to college.
You grow up like no question,right, right.
And so when you um sopost-diagnosis you said that
you've gone to differentcolleges, what was the hardest
part about going back to schoolpost-diagnosis?
Speaker 2 (17:35):
So at first it was the fact that the medications
that I was being given to helpstabilize me were putting me to
sleep, so I literally was notable to stay awake in my classes
.
This is when I was going.
Everything was in person.
It was before they offered alot of virtual classes, so it
was all in person 8am, 9amclasses.
I am falling asleep.
(17:56):
I can't stay awake.
My friend used to like elbow meand, like Brittany, wake up and
just adjusting to life onmedication and all the side
effects that come with it,knowing that I had to get a
certain amount of sleep.
So I couldn't be like myfriends who are cramming, study
until 3am because I have a 10o'clock bedtime if I want to
(18:17):
make sure that I stay mentallystable.
So I couldn't participate inthe college party life.
I couldn't do all the thingseverybody else was doing because
my mental health had to comefirst.
If I didn't have that, you knowwhere I needed to be the rest
of my life wouldn't go on asplanned.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
Right, and so it was the medication that you know it
was kept kept making you sleepyduring the day so there was a
lot of I take it.
You know it was kept keptmaking you sleepy during the day
so there was a lot of I take it.
You had to go and getconstantly.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
They go back to the doctor to get readjusted or
changed with medicine At onepoint I was, my uncle decided it
was the best thing for me wasto go to this 30 day treatment
facility in Tennessee.
I think it was in Knoxville,tennessee, and I laugh because
that's also where I think SelenaGomez went, or somebody.
Somebody else famous went tothe same treatment center after
(19:08):
I did, not at the same time, butI'm like okay, I'm famous Now I
went to a treatment center thata celebrity did, and so I
remember he pulled me out ofschool.
I had just started school atEast Texas Baptist University
for one week.
I told my uncle that I washaving problems and he goes okay
, I found you, this treatmentcenter in Tennessee, we're going
to take you there.
I was like, okay, at that pointI didn't know I had an option
(19:31):
to say no or that I had anychoice in the matter, so I just
went along with it, and thatdisrupted school for another
year before I went back.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
And what was it like to be in that treatment facility
?
Speaker 2 (19:51):
It was awful On day one of equine therapy I got
stepped on by a horse, so thatwas awful.
It was very secluded.
It was very, very like I thinkthere was maybe less than 20
people at the facility at a time, as far as, like patients, you
didn't have your phone, youdidn't have kind of access to
anything outside the center.
(20:13):
Um, they did have things set up.
Like you know, you had alive-in chef that would make
your meals or you know you had avery strict schedule throughout
the day that included, you know, one-on-one therapy, group
therapy, meditation, yoga.
So they were trying to make itthe best they could to
rehabilitate.
But in those kind of centers itnever really repeats what real
(20:37):
life is going to be like.
So, though you may see successin the treatment center, when
you return back to real life,you don't have a schedule of
yoga, meditation, like CBT, dbt,like you don't have that.
So it's hard to actually feellike you've gotten better once
you leave.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Well, that's kind of the risk people take by going to
these kinds of centers, I feel,because a lot of times they
focus, you know, on one aspectof life but that they don't take
into consideration the holisticapproach.
Because once people leave thatkind of environment and are put
back in the real world, firstand foremost there's the
(21:14):
adjustment period too, that,okay, you know, I'm kind of out
of this confinement Now, I'mliving back in normal life.
How do I go about this, nowthat I'm free for all practical
purposes?
And then, number two, it's likeokay, now, where you know, how
can I practice the tools Right?
And that's why you know, a lotof times you hear about many
(21:36):
like high end rehab facilities,for example, having high
recidivism rates of peoplerelapsing, because they only
focus on one aspect, you know,and it's not only you know about
.
Like, for example, when you'reworking with people who have
addiction, it's not just workingabout sobriety, sobriety,
sobriety.
All the time you have to alsofocus on other things, like what
(21:58):
in their life caused them right, drove them to addiction, what
you know, what is the underlyingtrauma they've had in their
life.
You know, a lot of times withaddiction it's a comorbid, like
a duality of the diagnosis,rather because they have the
addiction, which is like thelayer of the cake right, the
icing on the cake is theaddiction, but when you cut the
(22:18):
cake and look at the spongeparts of the cake, that's where
you find you know there's liketrauma, there's mental illness,
there's other factors that needto be looked into and treated,
and so you know you hear a lotof this with you know these
kinds of you know treatments.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
And that was true for me too.
So something that I deal withalong with mental health is kind
of like disordered eating.
So when I got released out ofthat rehab center in Tennessee,
I was not set up with properliving situation.
So I was put in a house where Ihad one room, but sharing the
house was also like an older manin his eighties and his
(22:57):
caretaker and her daughter and Ibecame very, um, kind of
suicidal.
I would have thoughts about likeI couldn't be in the kitchen
cause there were knives and Ididn't want to put myself in a
place where I could potentiallyhurt myself, like those kinds of
thoughts, and so for thatreason I refused to go in the
(23:17):
kitchen.
So for an entire year I ate outfor three meals a day because I
refused to go in the kitchen.
So for an entire year I ate outfor three meals a day because I
was scared to be in my kitchen.
So I wasn't placed in a livingsituation that was conducive to
healing of my mental health andthen developed this eating
situation that was not healthyand I've been dealing with that
since 2009.
To present day, where I stillhave, I feel, unhealthy eating
(23:41):
habits and relationship withfood that I'm not happy with.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
And so that brings us into that topic of binge eating
, which I know that you'veshared in the Say it Out Loud
group as well, that that'ssomething you've struggled with
and I have struggled with thatin my life as well.
So can you tell me a little bitabout what it was like for you?
Speaker 2 (24:07):
So mostly it's just not feeling like I have control
over my cravings.
So I tend to get in a habitwhere I'm really busy and I have
a really packed day and thelast thing on my mind is eating.
So by the time I think abouteating, I'm starving and I may
have only one thing on my mind,and that thing may be Panda
Express.
So I'm going to go to a PandaExpress, fill an entire to-go
(24:31):
plate full of food and shovel itdown my throat because all I
can think about is how hungry Iam and that I haven't eaten in
eight hours.
And then at the end of it I'msitting there feeling sick.
I haven't eaten in eight hours,and then at the end of it I'm
sitting there feeling sick,unsatisfied having eaten food
that's not the best for me, andthen mad at myself because I did
all that.
And so it's like all thesenegative feelings go into just
(24:51):
eating food you know and peoplehave talked about.
Maybe we shouldn't assign, youknow, good food and bad food,
but I go way the opposite andpunish myself for simply eating.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
When did you notice this start to take place with
the binge eating?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
I feel like it's been something that's kind of been
creeping around my life like mywhole adulthood.
You know, when I was firstdiagnosed with bipolar, some of
the medications that they theygave me induced extreme weight
gain.
So, for example, I gained 50pounds within about 18 months of
my diagnosis, and the hospitalthat I was in after I was
(25:33):
diagnosed was in Nebraska andthey literally are feeding you
corn and potatoes and just allthis stuff that is not healthy
and so that, given on top of themedications making me want to
eat more, I feel like it startedprobably around the same time
of my diagnosis.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
And what is it that you were looking for?
Because a lot of times whenpeople are craving, there's
usually something in it thatthey're seeking right.
And I know for me, when I usedto binge eat, my binge eating
started when I was in New YorkCity, more so, and I mean I did
a little bit of this in lawschool, but it really took off
(26:15):
in New York City and it was forme.
I used to go to an Indianrestaurant every weekend that it
was the same restaurant that Iused to frequent.
It was on the upper West side,and I would get a whole I don't
know if you're familiar withIndian food or not A little bit
(26:36):
Okay.
So I would get um non, which isthe bread.
I would get um paneer tikka,which is basically cheese in a
like a tomato ish kind of sauce,but they used they used to make
it a little bit healthierbecause they used to say they
were not using cream in it andthey were putting yogurt in it
instead, but it was deliciousNonetheless.
(26:56):
I used.
Obviously, it came with rice,and then I used to order some
yogurt, because, you know,indians like to eat their food
with yogurt.
Um, then, if that wasn't enough, then I'd have like glasses of
wine with my dinner and then Iwould go and get frozen yogurt,
because it was a frozen yogurtshop two doors down, and then I
would walk all the way back tomy apartment.
(27:19):
But here's the thing I wasdamaging my body so much and for
me, the reason I kept cravingand doing what I was doing is
because I was not living a lifethat was in alignment with my
values.
Right, I was working in a legalfield which I hated every minute
of waking up to, and it was alot of resistance and pressure
for me to stay in that field.
(27:39):
Even I mean not necessarilythat I stay in New York, you
know, because you know myparents would have jumped on
every opportunity to get me backin Chicago sooner than the five
years that I lived in New York,but still it was like every
opportunity to get me back.
I mean to stay in the legalfield because of prestige,
(27:59):
because of the title, when truthof the matter is it was not
happy and I'll tell you, Istarted getting chest pain
eventually from it because I wasbinging too much.
I knew I had to make changesand things like that, and then
it took a lot.
But I eventually and I writeabout this in my upcoming book
as well that I had to find itwithin me to be courageous
(28:23):
enough to jump ship and say I'mnot doing this anymore.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
So for me, I think it's seeking happiness.
So I think I do have a lot ofgood memories around food as a
kid, like I remember.
We had a live in nanny growingup and she would make us these
homemade cheeseburgers that werelike the bomb.
She would make us thesehomemade cheeseburgers that were
like the bomb.
I looked forward to thesecheeseburgers when she would
make them.
And even in middle school whenI was living with my aunt and
(28:47):
uncle, like we'd go to Sonic orwe'd go to McDonald's we'd get a
cheeseburger and I would justbe so happy about it.
So I have a slight addiction tocheeseburgers.
I blame childhood, but like,even like when I get together
with friends if we're eating outor even if we're eating in, I
have a lot of happy memoriesassociated with food.
So I think part of the timewhen I am binging, when I'm
eating by myself because usuallyI only binge eat if I'm eating
(29:10):
by myself then that's somethingthat I've kind of correlated
like.
That's interesting to note.
I only overeat when I'm bymyself and I think it's trying
to fulfill that need forhappiness somehow, like the food
tastes good or the food willmake me feel good until I eat so
much that it doesn't, or youknow things like that.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
And I know, like you know, you've been talking a lot
about things you've been doingfor yourself in order to help
yourself with the, with breakingsome of these patterns.
So what have you been noticingis working for you thus far and
trying to break these patternsand like what is something that
you've discovered within youthat brings you happiness and
(29:57):
also helps you cope with thesefeelings in a healthier way for
you.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
So one thing that I finally did is I have never
sought out any kind ofprofessional help when it comes
to eating.
Like I may have worked withlike, like fitness coaches who
are like, oh yeah, I also donutritional coaching, coaching
but they're not reallydietitians or they're not really
nutritionists, they just kindof have studied it for
themselves.
But Vasavi actually suggestedthat I look into a dietitian and
(30:28):
I was like, oh yeah, dietitianscovered by my insurance, this
sounds like a great option.
So I had my first meeting withmy dietitian last week and she
goes okay, before I give you ameal plan, before we talk about
any of your goals for the firstweek, all I want you to do is
take a picture of everything youeat.
That's it.
Like I used to log on myfitness pal where you have to
log in the calories and you haveto log in.
(30:49):
You know all that, but none ofthat.
She just said make it simple,take a picture of your food, put
it in the app and you know, ina week we'll talk about it.
Seemed easy to me.
After three days of that I waslike overanalyzed.
I was like I don't want to eatthat cookie because I have to
take a picture of it I don'twant to because I have to get a
picture of it and it was justlike I overthought, maybe in a
(31:10):
good way.
I was becoming more aware thatlike, oh, maybe I snack more
than I thought I did, or maybemy portions are bigger than I
thought I did, because I wasforced to keep myself
accountable by simply taking aphoto.
And it's actually it's beenworking really well for me.
I'm almost at the end of thatfirst week and so I'm interested
to see what the dietitian hasto say.
But I'm very proud of myselffor finally reaching out to
(31:32):
someone who knows more than I do, because, yes, I can say I can
research things I've logged onMyFitnessPal before, can say I
can research things I've loggedon my fitness pal before.
But having that accountabilityof someone who has studied and
knows that area better than I do, I'm really looking forward to
continuing working with her andaddressing.
You know what I'm going through.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Well, I want to commend you for taking the
action towards your bettermentand towards you feeling better
about who you are and showingyourself that love and
compassion that you deserve,because you give love and
compassion to everyone else sofreely, and I want you to know
(32:13):
that you deserve to have allthat love and compassion for
yourself too.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
No worries.
And speaking of love andcompassion, now I know you've
also been through.
You know as much as you've hadhappy memories being with your
friends and being with familyand having you know having
relationships with others,family and having you know
having relationships with others.
You also had some challengingmoments, especially when it came
into romantic department interms of relationships, and from
(32:44):
my understanding you hadmentioned that you were in a
toxic relationship.
Can you tell us a little bitabout that experience and what
that was like for you?
Speaker 2 (32:57):
Sure, so I've been a serial monogamous since I was 13
.
I had my first boyfriend at 13.
We dated for three years.
When we broke up I foundanother boyfriend in a span of
two weeks.
Then I dated that guy for threeyears and I was telling someone
I don't think I've been singlemore than a year straight in my
(33:17):
entire life.
I've just always been withsomeone.
That said, I grew up in thechurch, where you're supposed to
grow up, get married, have kids.
So that influence was also onmy mind that I needed to get
married right away, find a goodguy, have kids and that's my
life.
So around 23, at this point Iwas not in school.
(33:37):
It was one of the times that Iwas in between colleges, my
girlfriend and I.
I had just gotten my firsthouse on my own at 23.
I had my high school friendmove in and we were going
clubbing or out to shoot poollike every Friday night and at
one of the pool halls here intown I was just kind of meeting
guys.
(33:58):
They would either come up to usor we would go up to them and
this one guy like gave me hisnumber and was like basically
call me for a good time kind ofsituation and I didn't really
think of it, didn't do anything.
But then a month later Ireturned and ran into him again.
I'm like, oh, maybe this meanssomething.
So we went out on a date and hewas kind of a funny guy but he
(34:21):
was in a situation where, like,he couldn't afford to pay rent
where he was living.
So he ended up moving in withme.
Within about a month of usknowing each other, I just got
in my new house and I was like,oh, look, I have all these rooms
, why don't somebody move inwith me?
I just got in my new house andI was like, oh, look, I have all
these rooms, why don't somebodymove in with me?
So a guy that I had just moved,it just met, moved in with me.
Um, I think all he brought waslike a TV and his clothes, and
(34:44):
I'm like that should have beensign number one All he owns is a
TV and his clothes.
But anyways, um we, we hadseemingly good times.
Um, we, we had seemingly goodtimes.
Um, and I knew I wanted to getmarried and I was like, well,
I'm dating this guy, he's notthe worst, so why don't I just
marry this guy?
(35:04):
And I was about to receive alump sum of money from um, my
parents distribution after theypassed and I was like, oh great,
now I have money to have awedding.
So I honestly think the onlyreason that I decided to get
married the first time to thisparticular gentleman was because
I had money and I was going toreceive money to have a wedding,
(35:26):
and so we got married within ayear of knowing each other.
At that point my girlfriendmoved out, so it was just the
guy and I, and he startedgetting really angry with me and
I got off my bipolar medicationbecause I wanted to have a kid.
Remember, my idea was getmarried, have a kid, so I
(35:47):
thought it'd be the smart thing.
I probably shouldn't be onbipolar meds while I have a baby
, so let me get off of them.
Wrong step, number 10.
So I was more irritable, he wasmore irritable.
There got to a point where wewere violent towards each other.
I had to replace two doors inthe house because they were
(36:08):
broken because of our fights andit was not a good situation.
The way that that relationshipended was actually through a
manic episode, and I have neverbeen more thankful for a manic
episode, I think my ex-husbandfinally realized I didn't sign
up to go to the bar, meet thisbipolar chick and, you know,
deal with all her crazy shit.
Um, so I'm out.
(36:28):
So when I got checked into ahospital for that manic episode
in 2014, when I came out of thehospital, he had moved out of
the house with his TV and hisclothes.
So that's how that went.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
And during that manic episode that you had at the
time, what had happened that gotyou checked in?
Speaker 2 (36:50):
I was having kind of that paranoia thoughts.
I had called 911, or I asked myex-husband to call 911 for me
but he wouldn't.
So I called myself and saidthat my ex was trying to poison
me in the coffee that I wasdrinking, which that probably
wasn't true.
But, like I said, I wasparanoid and just very irritable
.
Not sleeping again, not eating.
So the same similar behaviorsthat got me diagnosed the first
(37:12):
time were happening again.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
That must have been very tough, though to deal with.
You know.
Of all that.
You know you had, you know, alot of well, first and foremost,
you know the chemicalimbalances going on that you
know were beyond your control,without the help of medication.
Then to be off medication, youknow, and trying to live up to
this expectation that you'resupposed to have gotten married
(37:40):
and have kids right, a valuethat was instilled in you, not
even just you.
I think women in general getthis, no matter what you know,
and I think this gets it cutsacross all bounds here, in the
sense of it doesn't matter whatrace you are, what religion you
are, what cultural, ethnicbackground you come from.
(38:01):
I think women all over havethis thing pushed on them that,
okay, you grow up, you're goingto meet someone, you're going to
get married and then you'regoing to bear children and
you're going to have a familyand you're going to be married,
and then you're going to bearchildren and you're going to
have a family and you're goingto be a wife and a mother and
all the jazz that comes alongwith all that stuff.
But, um, and you know what.
(38:23):
But the thing is it's so hardto fill that you know, and
especially in the timeline thatpeople expect to be fulfilled
and now I'm a very happychildless dog mom.
Believe me, I'm a happy, I'm achildless dog mom too.
So we got that in common.
Yep, yep.
You know I know for and I don'tknow how it is for you, but
(38:48):
like I know for me, you knowit's been tough because you know
, being somebody who I am andI'm going to say this you know
and this is my first time beingvulnerable about this, really to
the core of it you know I'm thefirst in my whole family, on
both sides my mom and dad's sideto never have had a boyfriend
or be single at my age.
(39:09):
I'm a 42 year old girl and Imean I also have autism.
So you know, I know thatobviously that plays a role in
you know, the way I communicateor meet with people or things.
But everybody else on bothsides of the family you know
that I've seen have at leastexperienced relationships.
(39:33):
A lot of people are married anda lot of people have families
of their own.
But I'm like one of thosepeople.
You know that I'm like the.
I'm like kind of like the blacksheep in the family in that
sense, because I don't, I didn'tlive like my cousins did and I
would not, you know.
And I know my parents.
I don't know why they were sohell bent on pressing that issue
(39:54):
of Indians marrying Indians,and I would not, you know, and I
know my parents.
I don't know why they were sohell bent on pressing that issue
of Indians marrying Indians andI, honestly, am a firm believer
.
I would know.
I've already seen what thatculture has done to someone like
me who's on the autism spectrumand doesn't fit the box.
And I'm not saying all Indians.
(40:15):
I want to make this very clear.
I'm not trying to be prejudiceor anything like that.
Well, I'm Indian myself, right,but I'm not all Indians.
I think there are people whoare trying to make a change and
being like we got to cut some ofthis BS that this culture
perpetuates.
I do believe there are peopleout there doing that now, but I
mean, this is how for me, andsometimes it you know some.
Sometimes it gets hard thoughtoo, you know, and it's.
(40:36):
I don't know if this happens toyou, but do you ever have
people be like giving you likederogatory comments because of
being bipolar, giving you likekind of like, oh, that's gross
or oh that's you know?
Have you ever heard anythinglike that from people before?
Speaker 2 (41:04):
Not in the recent past, but I will say I am very
hesitant to announce that I dealwith bipolar to my business.
Like so I teach kids right and Ihad a kind of first iteration
of my music studio and rememberI said I had that manic episode
in 2014 where my ex-husband leftme.
I was teaching about 15 kids atthat time and through the manic
episode I destroyed all therelationships with my students
and had to completely start overbecause of the things I may
(41:25):
have said or done in a manicepisode.
So I'm very hesitant and Ihaven't really told anyone that
I currently teach, that I dealwith bipolar disorder, because
I'm afraid that either mystudents will leave me or the
parents won't trust me, whichthere's no founding reason for
them to feel that way.
Like I'm a very in control,self-aware teacher.
(41:45):
I have had an episode in thevery recent past and I dealt
with it in a proper way tooktime off, work and come back
when I was ready.
But, like, even on my socialmedia like I have a business
social media and a personal andI will not post anything bipolar
related on my business becauseI don't want to get judged by it
whether they will or not, Idon't even want to put that out
there, right.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
Right, and you know what I personally feel that
people who are quick to judgesomebody like that are people
who don't have the education tounderstand it.
You know, and that's one thingI had to learn for me, you know,
being on the spectrum and beinga therapist, because there were
mental health professionals whosaid, sonia, don't come here
(42:29):
and be a therapist because youhave autism.
You know there are people whohave phd's psychologist, so I
mean, I get you know that it's.
You know it can be very judgybut at the same time you never
know who it can help to rightright.
So, um, britney, you know, whatwould you give advice to when
(42:54):
dealing, now that you'veactually had experience with
dealing with somebody who,having had a toxic relationship,
having dealt with the mooddisorder pieces and aspects,
what are things you've learnedabout yourself through these
(43:16):
processes and what is somethingyou can inspire others with?
Speaker 2 (43:23):
so I think the biggest piece of it is you can't
live life alone.
So something that I did in myfirst marriage that I really
regret is I secluded myself off.
I don't remember having friendsat that time.
I told you that my girlfriendthat was living with me moved
out when we got married.
She was like my closest friendat the time, even though I would
see people in my work life likethey weren't really friends,
(43:46):
and so I feel like the fact thatI was so secluded made it more
difficult to get out of thetoxic relationship that I was in
.
So what I would recommend forother people is make sure,
whether it's friends or family,that you have at least one or
two people in your life that youfeel comfortable opening up to,
that you feel comfortable beingvulnerable even in the hardest
(44:06):
situations, because those arethe people that can help walk
you through those hard times.
Even stepping back to thesituation where I told you, I
was in that unhealthy livingspace when I was alone, where I
was afraid of being in thekitchen, like again, I don't
remember having friends at thattime that I could have reached
out to, and you know, sometimesit's hard as adults to make
(44:28):
friends, but I've done my bestnow and now I'm 36.
I have a great group ofgirlfriends and guy friends that
I can trust and rely on.
If you were in a place to findone or two people that you can
trust, I think that's the mostvaluable piece that you could
have in your life, because lifeis not meant to be lived alone.
Speaker 1 (44:51):
I really like that advice that life is not meant to
be lived alone and we all needpeople.
How did you go about findingyour people?
Speaker 2 (45:02):
So my people came about in 2021.
I was seeking out piano lessonsfor myself.
I thought you know what?
I bet I can get better at whatI'm doing.
Let me seek out.
So I was introduced to a friendwho became my piano teacher and
then he introduced me to allthe piano me seek out.
So I was introduced to a friendwho became my piano teacher and
then he introduced me to allthe piano people he knew.
So now I have a cohort of pianoteacher and composer friends
(45:23):
that we meet on a weekly basisand it's just a growing music
community there and we're ableto support each other both in
business and personal.
As far as like social lifeoutside of that, I am very big
into Facebook groups orInstagram groups.
Here in Austin there's likeAustin Latinas Hangout, austin
you know, girlfriend Hangout.
(45:43):
There's so many.
I don't know if it's this wayin Chicago, but here there are
so many Facebook and Instagramgroups and I just put myself out
there.
I became an ambassador for agroup here called the Austin
Latinos Unidas, where I wouldhost monthly events.
Sometimes people would come,sometimes nobody would come, but
it was a way to engage with mycommunity in a way that was fun
(46:03):
and inspiring.
We've done book clubs, we didZumba, we did coffee meetups, we
did just kind of co-workingsessions.
So I was very intentional aboutputting myself in the community
because, like I said, life isnot meant to be lived alone.
Speaker 1 (46:19):
And how do you feel about yourself nowadays and I
know that you are happilymarried now and what was that
journey like?
To finally find love and tofinally have, you know, achieve
some of that peace that youwanted for yourself.
Speaker 2 (46:40):
So I think it was a matter of just believing that I
was worth it, believing that Ideserve to have that happiness.
It took a while.
Even with friendships, there'stimes where I'll go to my
husband.
I'll be like, babe, I don'thave any friends, and then he'll
list off all the events that Ijust did in the last month or
the last week and he's like,babe, you have friends, you just
(47:02):
don't see it.
Maybe someone's not texting youright now, but you have friends
.
And so it's a matter of justbeing thankful and in a place to
receive that.
I'm glad I have my husband, I'mglad for the business I have
and the friends that I have.
But I think there was a pointleading up to that where I
thought I wasn't worth it.
(47:23):
I thought that I didn't deservethat, that it was okay to just
get by.
But now, being in a place whereI'm like no, I saw a meme today
today, I see if I can quote itcorrectly but it's like
abundance has always been there.
We just kind of hinder it fromhappening or from seeing it,
something like that, but likeabundance is always there, it's
(47:44):
like we are the ones that arestopping it or not being able to
receive it.
And so once you realize thatlike I think, things change a
little bit.
Speaker 1 (47:54):
Right, you know, and I I definitely appreciate that
perspective that abundance hasalways been there.
We haven't seen it.
I appreciate you saying thattoday, because sometimes I think
I myself need that reminder.
So thank you for putting here.
And so, last thing, how wouldyou feel like your music like?
(48:15):
How do you feel like?
You know music has also helpedshape you and inspire you, and
are there any particularfavorite pieces you like to play
?
Speaker 2 (48:25):
So music has kind of been my grounding point.
So I said this to someone elsethat, like you know, no matter
how I'm feeling, if I sit downand play a Chopin Nocturne, all
the notes are going to be thesame, whether I've had a good
day, whether I've had a crappyday, whether I've been crying
and sad or whether I've beensuper excited.
When I sit down to play thatpiece, all the notes are going
(48:48):
to be the same.
Now, the energy that I give toit or the style that I choose to
play with may change, but it'smy grounding point that the song
will essentially sound the same.
And you know I use music to liftme up.
I use music to fill my timeswhen I'm feeling bored and like
there's nothing to do.
I use music to entertain others.
(49:10):
I've been super active on myInstagram lately, posting
Christmas videos, and it's beensuper fun for me to just, you
know, do maybe a 30 second, 45second clip and just kind of put
it out there, because you knowwe all like hearing Christmas
music.
Whether we've heard, you know,mariah Carey's A Million Times,
or whether it's Jingle Bells,there's something altogether
(49:32):
uniting about music.
So, yeah, it's grounding for meand it kind of brings people
together.
Speaker 1 (49:41):
And is there like a favorite piece that you love to
go to, that just when you're ina, let's say, you feel sad or
you feel a little lonely or youknow, maybe you're just looking
for you know.
Yeah, what then to do?
Is there some?
I?
Speaker 2 (49:55):
have two of those pieces when I'm feeling like I
need to just make some noiseCause, like this is my baby
grand piano over here, if you'renot watching.
I have a baby grand piano andit makes a lot of noise.
And so when there's when I justwant to get all that like
tension out, it's a BromRhapsody in G minor.
It just it's uh brahm rhapsodyin g minor um it, just it's very
(50:20):
like dominant, like you, justif you, I'll share with it later
.
I'll share it with you later.
Um, you just get all your powerout on that song.
And then something else, kindof more on the beautiful side,
more lyrical, are the schubertimpromptus.
So these are pieces that Ilearned when I was in college
and I have a lot of emotionalties to them because for a while
there I thought I peaked incollege.
I thought the best pianist thatI'm ever going to be is when I
(50:40):
was in music school.
But I finally gotten over thathump and seeing that, no, now,
as a 36 year old piano teacher,composer, pianist like I'm doing
better now than I was when Iwas 19.
Speaker 1 (50:58):
You know, and I honestly am so proud of you and
listening to your journey andlistening to you sharing your
story and your truth with all ofus, and I know that this is
wasn't easy for you to come outhere and share your
vulnerability, nor is it evereasy for anybody.
But I want to thank you fromthe bottom of my heart and,
brittany, if people want toreach out to you, where can
people find?
Speaker 2 (51:18):
you.
So I am on Instagram atBrittany Benavidez Smith and I
also have a blog that I'mworking on and that is a pause
and keyscom.
Speaker 1 (51:30):
Amazing.
And where can we get access tothat blog?
Oh, just pausing, just on thatwebsite.
Yeah, just pausingkeyscom.
Yep, oh gosh, why do I ask sucha dumb question sometimes?
Oh my God, I'm sorry.
Sorry about that audience.
Okay, that's not like me a lot,but then again, that's what
being on the spectrum is about,sometimes.
All right, so, anyhow, you know, thank you so much, brittany,
(51:54):
for being on here.
Thank you for sharing yourstory.
Ladies and gentlemen, let'sgive it up for Brittany Benavida
Smith.
She is amazing.
Please follow her on Instagram,pawsandkeyscom for her blog and
I'll have it on the show notes.
And thank you all for tuning into this week's episode of On
(52:14):
the Spectrum with Sonia.
And please, if you haven'talready, please rate, review,
subscribe, share it with yourfamily and friends, and I am
looking forward to providing youwith more episodes.
So stay tuned.
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