April 7, 2025 • 39 mins
"Pigs are for eating, not for dating." This powerful metaphor emerged from my journey through unhelpful therapy, where I was repeatedly told to lose weight because "thin girls get away with more." During this special Autism Acceptance Month episode, I'm sharing raw, personal chapters from my book "Dropped in a Maze" to illuminate the unique challenges faced by those of us on the spectrum.
My story takes you through therapy sessions with Dr. Grey, who despite his expertise in autism, focused more on changing my appearance than addressing my emotional needs. The comments he would make would vacillate between supportive to critical throughout the therapeutic relationship. Instead of making me feel better, it made me feel much smaller and much worse. This only allowed for insecurities to fester until I finally stood in my power and stood up for myself using the tools I had to learn on my own. I learned to validate myself during the 2L (second semester of law school) when my depression hit an all time high after feeling a huge let down.
I allowed myself to put up with toxic friendships due to my lack of self-esteem and vulnerabilities built over the years. I didn't know who I was and accepted anything that came my way. I eventually learned skills that were off putting to others such as how to dine better with proper use of utensils, I learned how to walk better, and I learned about ways to present my best self. Even though it was embarrassing to learn lessons later in life that people learn much earlier, it was worth everything. I was different, I am different, but I am NOT less. At the end of the day, the main person who could ever be your advocate and best support is YOU!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello everyone and welcome to this week's episode
of On the Spectrum with Sonia, apodcast where we discuss autism
spectrum, mental healthchallenges and anybody who's
overcome any significantadversity.
We highlight these stories sothat our audience can feel
encouraged, hope, love,connected, especially in a world
(00:27):
that tries to disconnect us.
You know, for today's episode Iam actually going to be reading
, as a treat, a couple chaptersof my book and don't get me
wrong, you know I don't wantpeople to feel intimidated by
this word chapters because thechapters I'm going to read are
(00:48):
very short and easy andentertaining.
I use my wit in these.
I have written a book, droppedin a Maze, and because it is
Autism Acceptance and AwarenessMonth, I am going this is my
present to all to share in theworld, as Dropped in a Maze is
(01:10):
about my story.
It's about being on the autismspectrum.
It's about challenges I've gonethrough, but yet lessons I've
learned that anybody can use intheir life.
I've learned that anybody canuse in their life.
(01:32):
So, with that being said, Iwant to start out with this
question for everyone, andyou'll see why this becomes
relevant with what I'm going toread to you today how many of
you are aware that pigs are foreating and not for dating.
Yes, that's the question I havefor you all.
Pigs are for eating, not fordating.
(01:54):
You're going to find out whyright now, starting right now.
So stay tuned to this and enjoythese chapters and it'll all
make sense.
Chapter 22.
(02:17):
Nice to meet you.
Sonia, you need to drop 15pounds.
Sonia, you need to drop 15pounds.
I was excited to finally meet DrGray after I was inundated with
all his praises from my parents.
I had an appointment with themright at the start of the summer
2008 semester.
It was on a Saturday afternoon.
(02:40):
We did the normal intakeprocess of him asking questions
and getting a background history.
Dr Gray examined my arm as hewanted to see if there were
scars left over from the cutting.
At the time, my arm was healingfrom the cuts.
You could see the marks, butthey were becoming faint.
(03:01):
It was yet another reminder ofhow much pain I was in and my
desperate attempt to escape thepain.
Dr Gray made some good pointsduring the first session.
He explained that sometimes,when people don't know how to
describe something or explainhow they feel around a person,
they can be quick to label aperson as weird.
(03:23):
Unfortunately, many people onthe autism spectrum get accused
of being weird because peopledon't understand some of the
behaviors and thought patterns.
We are going to have to do somedetective work as we are
starting to figure out whatparticularly is coming out from
you that is pushing others awayand causing you pain and
difficulties.
(03:43):
That sounds really good.
I feel like someone understandsme.
I have extensive experienceworking with autism spectrum.
I should tell you, sonia, thatmy youngest son is on the autism
spectrum.
He was diagnosed when he wasthree.
He has challenges that he stillfaces, but because of his early
(04:06):
diagnosis he was able toprogress a lot more for his age
than people who weren't able toget diagnosed in early childhood
.
I can definitely understandthat one.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was20.
You see where it got me.
I am here for you and we willwork through this together.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate that, sonia.
(04:27):
We will meet weekly.
For now we can even do sessionstwice a week to start with.
I would appreciate twice a week, noted.
We will talk on the phone andif there are weekends you could
come to the office.
I would encourage you to comein Now.
I wanted to address theself-injurious behaviors you
were doing.
Do you still have urges andthoughts to cut?
No, I don't.
(04:48):
In fact, I have been working ongetting better physically
alongside mentally.
I've been going to the gymalmost every day.
I have been trying to get backinto running and have been doing
weightlifting.
That is great.
You really could benefit fromdropping 15 pounds.
That is great.
You really could benefit fromdropping 15 pounds.
At first I didn't think much ofthis comment.
(05:08):
Little did I know that it wouldserve as a catalyst for future
comments that dealt with moreweight and body image.
If I had known better, I wouldhave called him out the first
time and told him his commentswere not only derogatory but
professionally inappropriate.
After all, inappropriatenessonly leads to further
inappropriateness.
Chapter 23, navigating therapywith Dr Gray while handling
(05:31):
toxicity.
Ona friendship in quotes level.
During the summer of 2008, Istarted noticing Demetrius's
roommate and best friend, jerry.
Jerry was also tall, handsomeman.
He had sandy blonde hair andocean blue eyes.
In fact, every time I looked athim I would envision the middle
of the ocean with the sunlightbeaming on the waters.
(05:53):
Jerry was also charming andkind to people.
It wasn't long before I startedcrushing on him.
Like Demetrius, he wasn'tinterested in me.
I think Jerry came to find outabout my crushing on him through
people.
I wasn't shy about sharing howI felt about him.
Like Demetrius, he wasn'tinterested in me.
I think Jerry came to find outabout my crushing on him through
people.
I wasn't shy about sharing howI felt about him.
The pain of not being likednever changed.
(06:14):
Dr Gray started the secondsession I had with him by saying
I wonder if perhaps there's asign you are wearing that is
pushing people away.
I don't know how to explain thereasons behind why people behave
the way they do towards me.
All I know is throughout mylife I have been met with a lot
(06:34):
of hatred and animosity.
It didn't just end in childhood.
And once I graduated from highschool, the rudeness persisted
in college and even some here.
And once I graduated from highschool, the rudeness persisted
in college and even some here.
This is where we need to dosome detective work and get some
feedback from others that canhelp us.
Do you know some people whomyou could get feedback from?
(06:54):
I think I do.
Why don't you start working ontrying to get some feedback?
Okay, it would take a whilebefore I would get some feedback
.
In the meantime, I would have aharsh reality.
Every time I went out to thebars with people, I was always
the girl that was ignored when Iwas out.
This set me up to want to drinkmore as a way to compensate for
(07:14):
feeling othered and inadequate.
The drinking only led me to actout in ways that set me up to
become a laughingstock to many,because that was the time when I
would go and perform theraunchy rap.
I would also hit hard on menwho were repulsed by me.
There was one man and this isme being nice to him to even
call him a man instead of alittle bitch in particular, who
(07:38):
just gave me dirty glares aftera time I tried to be playful and
flirty.
This is the same man whom Icame to find out from one of his
female friends that he would goaround saying to people why do
you talk to Sonia?
She's so weird.
I found this to be quitesaddening for the fact that it
was coming from somebody in his20s.
The last time I heard this kindof phrase was when I was in
(08:01):
middle school from people intheir early teens.
Jerry, like Demetrius, neverreally wanted to be my friend in
any way, shape or form, he kepthimself at a distance.
More so we were acquaintances.
I used to express my concerns toDr Gray about what I used to
witness of others and how Iwasn't living up like other
(08:23):
people in terms of dating andinteractions of the opposite sex
.
Dr Gray used to say well, it isodd for people your age to
never have gone on a date, butit is not odd for someone with
autism.
I have known many people, evenolder than you, who haven't had
a date Really.
Yes, there are people, though,on the other hand, who really
(08:46):
worked on themselves and foundlove too.
I think you have a chance atfinding someone, and we are
going to need to come up with away for you in the next five
years to increase your chancesof finding someone.
That sounds good.
I hope I can find someone Later.
Throughout the year.
My parents set me up on anIndian dating site.
It was not worth a minute of mytime.
(09:07):
For one thing, I was not toomuch into Indian culture by then
to think of it as enough tonecessarily want to marry
someone because they are Indian.
Jade looked through someprofiles with me and I wasn't
really interested in the peoplethere.
There was one profile we cameacross where the guy even stated
I expect the woman to stay homewith children and give up on
(09:31):
having her own social life onceshe becomes a mother.
I was taken aback by howcontrolling, degrading and
oppressive that was towardswomen.
I was reinforced by people likeClaire who would make comments
like you're going against yourparents by looking outside your
culture.
Things were different for yourbrother because he is a male.
Things are different forfemales.
(09:52):
Even though the part of thingsbeing different for my brother
because he was a male was true,that didn't mean I was confined.
Claire had her own ideas ofwhat it meant to be an Indian
woman based on what informationshe got a hold of that was
disseminated and gave off thewrong picture.
Claire was somewhat like Chloein that she wasn't as patient or
understanding when it came tohow I reacted in what people
(10:16):
would consider emotionallyimmature ways to rejection and
being treated the way othergirls were.
The way I behaved was byexpressing hurt and pain from
feelings of rejection.
I would get upset when I feltrejected and express frustration
.
Claire didn't understand wheremy reactions are coming from.
(10:36):
She used to say your datingskills are like that of a
15-year-old girl.
You're better than that.
What was better, though,sometimes you don't know what
people went through in order tobe where they are, whether it's
someone successful or someone,or whether it's someone who is
socially delayed in some kind ofway.
(11:08):
I had the night before with herand Jade where I would express
misunderstandings about feelingrejected and overlooked by guys
compared to female peers.
Claire wasn't able tounderstand why I felt the way I
felt.
As far as dealing with Claire,I should have told her if that
is how you constantly feel, thendon't be my friend.
I will be fine with or withoutyou in my life.
If I had more confidence theway I do today, I would have
(11:29):
said it to her back then.
However, there was a part of methat admired Claire, even
despite how nasty she could be.
A part of me gravitated towardsher because I wanted her and
Jade to make me into a Barbiegirl.
I used to despise who I wasbecause I didn't feel it was
okay to be me.
I was looking to be fixed andchanged.
Both Jade and Claire had thelooks and a way of attracting
(11:52):
people towards them.
There were other things thatClaire suggested in terms of
makeup.
She told me about the naturallook being in, and she suggested
that I start buying eyeshadowsthat were in brown shades.
Dr Gray suggested that perhapsthere was a way I was using body
language.
Also, dr Gray discussed sexappeal and how perhaps other
(12:14):
women have learned ways to usethat to their advantage.
I didn't have the first clue asto what sex appeal even was.
Dr Gray gave some suggestions,such as keep up with the latest
fashion trends, makeup andweight management.
Dr Gray's wife worked as animage consultant and
psychotherapist.
Dr Gray set me up to goshopping with her so she could
(12:37):
teach me fashion styles.
After we had an in-detailconversation about the idea, I
thought it would be good, sinceI developed enough trust in Dr
Gray.
I thought it would be good,since I developed enough trust
in Dr Gray.
My mom joined along for theride, but she was strict about
what I was able to purchase interms of bottoms.
She protested against me buyingskirts, even pencil style,
(13:02):
because she didn't believe Iwould know how to handle a skirt
.
Mrs Gray and I were able to comeup with an outfit.
It was an orange cardigan, amatching scarf with a pop of
pink color to it and a shirtthat went underneath the
cardigan.
I also bought a pair of blackpants.
The outfit we picked outtogether was the best outfit I
owned at that point.
I started experimenting morewith makeup in the spring of
(13:28):
2007 semester and continueduntil the end of law school.
Mrs Gray gave me a minieyeshadow palette that was more
neutral in colors.
My makeup was never donecorrectly in the sense I would
put on too much.
People could have easilyinterpreted that as me trying
too hard.
Dr Gray used to talk aboutsocial blindness with people on
the autism spectrum.
A lot of times people on thespectrum don't understand how
(13:50):
they are coming across to others.
There may be things that theydo that people don't connect
with in terms of communication.
Maybe it's the way you, sonia,have told jokes or the way you
laugh that may come across asoffensive or just weird to some
people.
Dr Gray eventually picked up onthe fact that my walk wasn't a
fluid motion at one of thein-person sessions.
(14:13):
I had a herniated disc duringone of the sessions from going
too hard all at once at the gym,even though some of my sessions
, some of my reasons why my walkwasn't fluid were due to the
fact that I was in immense backpain.
My walk wasn't also fluid basedto the fact that I was in
immense back pain.
My walk wasn't also fluid basedon the fact I had a funny gait.
From when I was in earlychildhood I have glimpses of
(14:34):
memories of walking on mytiptoes as a child.
I was never fully comfortablewalking with my whole foot on
the floor.
People have called me out on mywalk before throughout my life,
but nobody got into thespecifics of what they saw.
All that was said was that Iwalked weird or too fast.
I knew I walked fast at timesand I was unaware of my posture.
(14:57):
Dr Gray suggested finding amodeling school to attend
courses to learn to fix my walk.
I would eventually learn how towalk properly with the
shoulders back in right posture.
Once I finished law school, jadeand Claire noticed before that
I was a messy eater.
I was having pasta with them atan Italian restaurant after
(15:19):
shopping one day and the saucekept splattering out of my plate
when I was eating.
I could see how this could havebeen a turnoff to people,
especially because people whoare going into such a
prestigious profession as lawwould be held to a standard to
have impeccable table manners.
Dr Gray worked with me on somecognitive behavioral therapy
techniques, such as challengingand reframing thoughts.
(15:41):
I used to have Dr Gray taughtme to say to myself just because
I never had a boyfriend doesn'tmean I am nothing, and just
because I was told mean thingsabout myself doesn't make them
facts.
I was taught to challengecognitive all or nothing
distortive ways of thinking,such as the all or nothing
mindset.
Just because you never had arelationship or struggled to
(16:03):
find good friends doesn't meanthat this will be the case in
the future.
A relationship or struggle tofind good friends doesn't mean
that this will be the case inthe future.
Things can change as youcontinue to grow and learn how
to soothe yourself and as youcontinue to develop more into
yourself.
Dr Gray emphasized that I hadadditional challenges other
people didn't have to deal withbecause of being on the autism
spectrum and having a comorbidmood disorder.
(16:26):
The environment I was in didn'tcontribute to my well-being by
any means.
Claire and I were havingconstant misunderstandings, but
when times are good, they weregreat.
In retrospect, I could nevertrust Claire to stay consistent.
Claire was super protectiveover the fact I was still a
virgin, whereas the vastmajority of women my age are
clearly not.
She used to say you better nothave sex until you're married.
(16:49):
This was Claire's way ofasserting power and control.
I should have asked her why doyou care if I'm a virgin or not?
Kind of odd for you to be thatobsessed with someone you
consider a friend.
No, this is another clue thatit was time to end this
friendship with Claire.
I had a lot of resentment, builtfirst and foremost towards
myself, then my family.
The resentment I had towardsmyself drew from the fact I felt
(17:13):
once again like I was a failurebecause I felt trapped in a
life I didn't want.
Career-wise, my heart was notin the material, even though I
continued to study hard withstruggles.
I was unknowingly putting upwith toxic friendships because I
felt trapped and didn't valuemyself enough to voluntarily end
them.
I was clinging to what Ithought I needed in order to
survive being in a place, in theplace I was.
(17:35):
I resented my family for makingme stick through a place where
I didn't belong, despitedesperate attempts to try to
explain why I wanted to leave.
My dad used to say was you makeyourself like it?
My mom also didn't support mydesires and used to enforce that
I stay in law school.
I used to say that I felt Ipicked the wrong career choice
(17:57):
and would be better suited forbecoming a therapist to help
others, especially those on theautism spectrum, to feel
understood and heard.
She would tell me you're betteroff in law school instead of
trying to see where else youcould be a fit.
Even though I couldn't forcemyself to like law school, I
learned instead to likeself-medicating and numbing
through drinking.
Not only did drinking help meescape from myself, but it
(18:20):
helped me check out of anenvironment where I didn't fit
in.
Dr Gray was another person whoused to discourage me from
quitting law school.
In fact, he thought I shouldn'teven be in the mental health
field or a trial lawyer becauseof autism and the possibility of
people not connecting with me.
He thought I was best suited toadvise people financially,
where people would connect withme on matter of expertise.
(18:44):
My heart was more suited tohelping others in different ways
, ways that would help heal andinspire.
I wanted to be that person forsomeone else.
In ways, I wish I had thatsomeone for myself.
Wait, wait, wait.
So you were never known as theheavy child asked Dr DeGrade to
start one of the sessions.
No, I was not.
(19:06):
I may have been a littleoverweight in middle school, but
that was due to my binge eatingfrom all the bullying and not
knowing how to handle intenseemotions.
There is a way you think aboutand use food, he stated.
I know I'm working on it.
Maybe you need to start addingsome strength training to your
routine.
I have been.
Something isn't working ifyou've been going to the gym as
(19:27):
often as you say you have beengoing.
Well, people have been noticingand telling me I've been
looking gorgeous Girls, that is.
They're just trying to be niceto you.
Perhaps you need to starteating more lean meat and more
protein-based foods.
Another thing hire anutritionist to help you.
Okay, I replied.
The reason I am telling you allthis is that with your autism
(19:49):
and mood disorder, everythinghas to be perfect.
Thin girls get away with more.
I see Some of what Dr Gray saidabout how I thought about used
food was correct.
However, the whole pushing abody image didn't make me feel
good.
There were other times when DrGrade was instructional and
supportive, but critical atother moments.
(20:11):
I didn't realize at the timehow I was beating myself up with
even harder jabs based onthings that were said and said
in my sessions.
I shared some feedback.
I happened to get Some feedback.
I happened to get some feedback.
I happened to get that a coupleof people told me throughout
law school.
(20:31):
Apart from that one guy tellingpeople I was weird, there was
another girl who was goingaround echoing the same
sentiments.
It is no surprise that thosetwo were friends and they
happened to be in the samefriend group as Demetrius and
Jerry.
Dr Gray would say well, let'slisten to what these people are
saying.
You should care about whatother people say about you
(20:53):
because this is what carried youthroughout your whole life.
The times when Dr Gray showedsome support were when I
discussed feeling hurt fromrejections and overall
misconceptions people had aboutme.
He also supported me whenfamily members felt it was their
place to think well, sonia isin law school now.
She is quote cured, end quotefrom autism.
(21:15):
That couldn't have been furtherfrom the truth.
And just because people go tograduate school and pursue
professions doesn't cure them ofautism in the least.
I struggled to pass my classesand there was a semester when I
was placed on academic probationbecause I just didn't connect
to the material.
I had to retake a course that Ifailed.
Ingham Law School allowed forone retake if you failed a
(21:39):
course and they would void thecourse upon successfully passing
the retake course.
There were family members whoalso felt I should stop therapy
altogether.
In truth, therapy was the onlything keeping me afloat, even
though the therapy sessionsweren't always the best.
Sonia, that really irritates methat they say things like this
about you.
(21:59):
If your family members wereserious about entertaining such
a thought of you completelyending therapy, they should seek
consultation from someone whois highly acclaimed in the field
.
I personally don't feel youshould stop therapy.
If anything, I think it woulddamage you.
I agree with you, dr Gray.
I feel that therapy has beensupportive in some ways, in that
(22:19):
at least someone understandsautism.
This is where I blinded myselfinto thinking everything was
okay with these therapy sessionsthe fact that somebody
understood autism.
Sonia, you are getting somereal therapy that has teeth to
it.
Yes, and I feel you understandme.
Believe me, I do.
I replied what would you say tothe guys who rejected me?
(22:40):
I would tell them I don't knowwhat kind of girl Sonia would
have been for you, however, ifyou would have given Sonia a
chance, even if it is just toget to know her.
I think that would have been areally great opportunity for the
both of you.
Oh, thank you.
That means a lot, sonia.
I mean every word of that.
Overall, the majority of thetherapy sessions for as long as
(23:05):
I was in law school were avacillation between supportive
and critical.
Some of what Dr Gray said wouldbe contradictory to his previous
statements.
On the one hand, he would saybecause of your autism and mood
disorder, everything has to beperfect.
This means you need to be thin.
People these days are obsessedwith all the airbrushing, and I
(23:25):
have clients who won't date agirl who is even five pounds
overweight.
All I could respond with wasI'm doing my best, I get it.
Then he would say on days youfeel bad, you need to learn to
go do something for yourself,such as go get an ice cream.
Mind you, these statementswouldn't have been said in the
same session, yet the messageswere contradictory.
(23:46):
Wouldn't have been said in thesame session.
Yet the messages werecontradictory.
I would share about certainsituations that would come up at
bars when I was out withfriends.
End quotes Dr Gray reminded meof some of the moments when I
was left to my own devices.
Moments when I saw people gooff and dance with another.
Moments when I was pushed tothe side whereas other guys and
(24:06):
girls are chatting away toremind myself that I am still
beautiful, I am still lovable,I'm still worthy.
Sonia, the unfortunate truth iswhen people have any kind of
psychiatric diagnosis, authorsdon't like to be around that
person.
People step back, said Dr Grayin a judgmental tone.
That's unfortunate.
I said I was bamboozled by howjudgmental psychotherapists
(24:34):
could be towards those withmental health issues.
There are people whom Dr Graywas supposed to help.
These are people whom Dr Graywas supposed to help, and it was
his job as a professional tohelp them feel safe.
How he was able to comment onpeople who struggle with mental
health was not only a way topush people away, but was
(24:54):
completely unprofessional.
It made me wonder why.
Someone like him was even apsychologist, but, like in any
profession, people can enter itfor the wrong reasons.
I know about that all too well.
I said, remembering flashbacksof my youth.
That is why you need to makesure you're doing things you
enjoy.
People want to be aroundsomeone who has sunshine in
(25:16):
their hearts.
People don't like to be aroundpeople who have all sorts of
issues.
He said I am working on it.
I said feeling judged, dr Gray'slambasting about looks hit hard
.
You are better off going forsomeone who is seven out of a 10
.
I don't think guys see you asmore than a seven.
You have a pretty face and ifyou lost weight you would look
(25:37):
better overall.
However, you aren't a moviestar.
I think I am beautiful the wayI am.
I responded this was one thingI started teaching myself when
depression hit hard during thewinter semester of my 2L, second
year of law school for thosewho don't know what 2L means I
used to practice saying I am asexy diva repeatedly in front of
(26:03):
the mirror.
At first it felt very weird,but it became a routine and
something I grew to love sayingto myself Guys, don't see you
like that.
Dr Gray said I don't care whatguys see me, as it's the opinion
of myself that should countfirst.
Dr Gray, there was no responsefor that, and rightfully so.
Ultimately, it's how you viewyourself that counts the most,
(26:26):
because you are with yourselfall the time.
Make your view about yourselfbe a good one.
Also, dr Gray was no supermodellooking male, so he really had
no business instructing me onhow I should look.
The only thing he had going forhim was his wife, who was
gorgeous.
Hey, this is a spade.
(26:46):
Call on the spade.
Chapter 24, table Manners Time.
Before law school graduation, Idid an internship at a
prosecutor's office.
My brother was diagnosed withstomach cancer right as I was
entering my third year of lawschool.
He unfortunately didn't survivehaving cancer and he passed
(27:10):
away on May 21, 2009.
My heart hurt for him.
During my last year of lawschool, which also played into
some of the drinking I was doing.
My brother's passing was at atime I was just beginning my
internship and it was a processin and of itself to take some
days off up to and after mybrother's passing.
I also had to do an independentstudy in order to graduate on
(27:33):
time, so I was kept rather busy.
Over the summer, my mom was intouch with an organization in
the suburbs of Chicago thatdealt with services for autism.
The lady who ran theorganization, mrs Gorman, had
gotten to know my parents in theearly 2000s.
Post-diagnosis, my mom happenedto call Mrs Gorman to discuss
some of the social challenges Iwas having.
(27:53):
Mrs Gorman suggested that wemeet with one of her employees
Kelly, kelly, my mom, mrs Gormanand I all met for lunch and
Kelly introduced and describedthe kinds of work she does.
Kelly studied psychology at agraduate school in downtown
Chicago.
Her goal was to focus onindividuals with autism.
We came to an agreement thatKelly and I would spend time
(28:15):
together and she would givefeedback on what she saw that
may be preventing me from comingacross as the best version of
myself.
Kelly and I met for the firsttime by ourselves over lunch.
She was able to get anassessment of me the first time
we all met and she noticed thatmy motor skills are off.
(28:42):
Sonia, the first thing you needto do is eat slowly.
Remember this rule two bites,one sip of water.
Two bites, one sip of water.
Okay, I also noticed the firsttime we met that you were doing
something with your fork thatwas different from what other
people were doing when they wereeating.
It was like you were making anoise with it.
When the fork was hitting yourteeth, your grip was also off.
(29:04):
Oh, I wasn't aware.
You tend to use your fork as aspoon sometimes.
Let me show you how to properlyhold your fork so that when it
goes to your mouth so that itgoes to your mouth.
I want you to watch me, thenfollow.
I watched Kelly closely andtook mental notes.
(29:25):
I repeated to myself two bites,one sip of water.
Sonia, we are going to focus oneating, because when you first
start dating someone, that iswhat you're going to be doing.
I was receptive to her help andsupport.
However, it felt quiteembarrassing that a woman who
was in her mid-20s had to betaught table manners.
Such table manners were taughtto people at substantially
(29:47):
younger ages.
Dr Gray was in full support ofthe work I was doing with Kelly.
He used to even suggest haveher watch you stand up, sit down
, walk to the bathroom, walkaround, etc.
We have spoken before aboutyour walk being off, so I'm glad
you are getting some help withthat.
Thank you, I said.
The next time Kelly and I met,she noticed how I played with my
(30:10):
hair a bit when we were at thetable.
Kelly taught me to keep myhands together on my lap.
At the moment I felt likefidgeting with my hair.
This is still a work inprogress, as I have a tendency
to fidget with my hair forsensory regulation.
Kelly saw improvement with thetwo bites and one sip of water.
She also noticed an improvementin how I held my fork.
(30:31):
I started mentioning to Kellysome of the concerns brought up
by Dr Gray about my gait beingoff.
Kelly mentioned that she mayhave seen something and she
would be on the lookout.
She initially focused on thetable manners and motor skills.
When it came to eating, I wasusually quite flexible about
(30:51):
where we met, but there was oneplace she sent us for us to meet
where I didn't get a goodfeeling.
I looked at the menu online andthe items they served were not
to my taste.
With a reluctance, I asked herif we could go somewhere else, a
spot we hadn't been to before,but I knew the menu would be
more to my liking.
She agreed, but her unhappinessshowed when she came to the
(31:12):
place.
Sonia, don't do this again.
What would have happened if youdone this on a date, kelly
asked scoldingly.
I don't know.
I replied your date would haveprobably been pissed off and
annoyed, said Kelly.
Oh, please be mindful of that,moving forward and don't do that
again, said Kelly sternly.
Yeah, sorry about that, I said.
(31:33):
A part of me wondered if Kellywas bothered by my changing the
place, because she really wantedto eat at the other restaurant
During the dinner, kelly noticedthat I ordered only an
appetizer that wasn't the mostnutritional in value.
She taught me the whole conceptof making sure I order healthy
foods when I go out to eat.
Kelly said eating healthy showspeople you care about yourself
(31:55):
and you take care of yourself.
Kelly addressed my walk.
After she saw me walk up aflight of stairs to use a
restroom, she had me practiceclimbing the stairs with the
more proper form.
Kelly and I went to the mall soshe could see how I walk around
places.
Kelly was then able to show mehow I was coming across when I
(32:15):
was walking, and it wasdefinitely not a fluid motion.
By any means, kelly taught meto walk standing up straight
with my shoulders back.
She showed me how to walk fromheel to toe using the whole foot
in a more fluid motion.
Apart from working on the walk,she used to give me constructive
feedback on appearance.
She used to give meconstructive feedback on
(32:38):
appearance.
Kelly never commented on weighton my weight and she instead
commented on how my hairappeared disheveled and that my
bra needed to be a better fit.
I was taught to start payingmore attention to those aspects
before I left the house.
In the short time that I workedwith Kelly, she taught me
things I needed to start to workon to improve myself.
That I work with Kelly, shetaught me things I needed to
start to work on to improvemyself.
(32:58):
I found working with her to bemore helpful than attending
sessions with Dr Gray.
Dr Gray, on the other hand, keptharping about weight and
appearance.
He would say at times you know,there are times when there's
not that someone for everyone Alot of people battle with
(33:18):
loneliness.
Dr Gray would talk about how hehad clients who were never able
to find someone.
He kept on his serenade abouthow some of his clients wouldn't
go out with women who are fivepounds overweight.
I finally had enough and askedhim don't you think it's
possible that these clients whoare fussing about women being
five pounds overweight are justbeing shallow?
Women can pick up on men whoare shallow and keep their
(33:39):
distance.
After all, pigs are for eating,not for dating.
Point being and sharing this isyou know what.
Ultimately, you have that powerto define who you are you.
You know if the way you feelabout yourself and the way that
(33:59):
you come across to others right?
I mean, here's the thing Nobodyhas that power to define your
beauty.
Your relationship statusesdon't define your beauty, the
fact that what house you live in, or the neighborhood you live
in, or the bank account you have, or what you do for a job, or
(34:22):
what your talents are, what yourbody types are here's the thing
you are beautiful and specialin your own way, and people
don't have a right to tell youwhat your worth is, because
nobody has that kind of power.
The only person who coulddefine your worth is you.
(34:44):
And so the next time somebodysays something to you right,
understand a lot of times it'snot coming from a good place.
When they're projecting stuffonto you, when they say negative
things to you to make you feela certain way, that's insecurity
, that's their own projectionsthat they're putting out there.
(35:07):
They want you to feel a certainway because they perhaps, maybe
don't feel good aboutthemselves, maybe they're
envious of you, maybe they seesomething in you that
intimidates them because theylook at what's lacking in
themselves, right?
So just you know.
My whole point is this, andhere's the thing If you're going
(35:27):
to get people who are going tocritique you so badly about your
body appearance, then you knowwhat.
Those are people that areprobably not worth a minute of
your time.
Those are probably pigs youwill not want to date anyway.
Let's just be honest.
They're probably pigs you don'twant to date anyway, right?
(35:50):
So if people are going to bethat critically bad about your
appearance, now, here's thething.
I want to also make thisdistinction.
It's different if you are,let's say, if you are morbidly
obese, right to a point whereit's unhealthy, to a point where
(36:10):
you can't move, to a pointwhere your health is failing on
you because your body isshutting down from being
morbidly obese or having justorgan fail, you know your organs
are failing you all.
That that's a differentdiscussion.
Right Now, if that's like youknow, that's that.
(36:32):
But these are not the peopleI'm talking about.
People I'm talking about, okay,maybe, let's say, maybe you have
an endomorph body, maybe youhave an apple shape, maybe you
have a little bit of midsectionfat or, you know, maybe maybe a
little bit heavier than what wewant, right, I'm talking about
these kinds of people, right,because that happens.
And here's the thing.
This is not to judge any bodytype or anything like that,
(36:56):
because here's the thing at theend of the day.
We, you know, we don't knowwhat people are going through.
We don't know their situation,we don't know what's happening
in their body.
Maybe they're taking somemedicine, maybe, you know, that
may be causing some weight gain.
Maybe they're on.
Maybe their nutrition needs areneeding to be tweaked, who
knows?
You know, we don't know what'sgoing on with the person.
(37:17):
But the people I'm talking to,right, if you?
But but this is the thing, youknow, the people, the people I'm
just referring to now.
Maybe a little excessive inweight, maybe a little extra
here, right, if somebody isgoing to really be that critical
on you and just keep pushingyou for your weight and pushing
you and you're trying your best,right, and this is what these
(37:40):
are, the people I'm trying toreach to, is that you know what
you don't want.
People that are like that andthat are in your life, doing
that right.
So those, that's what I'mtalking about.
Those kinds of people, that'swhat I say.
What I'm talking about thosekinds of people, that's what I
say.
Pigs are free.
This is why pigs are for eating, not for dating.
(38:01):
After all, never have I everheard anybody complain about
bacon with a side of eggs.
There's, you know, a side ofbacon with eggs.
Rather, I've never heardanybody, uh, complain about
pancetta and spaghetti carbonara.
I never heard about peoplecomplain about bacon there.
(38:22):
I never have.
The only pigs I hear peoplecomplain about is when they try
to date them.
That's the only time I hearthem complain about pigs.
So just remember that, as weclose out of this is that pigs
are for eating and not fordating.
And if you have dietaryrestrictions and you are not
(38:44):
eating any pork, just rememberone thing still rules apply.
The same rules apply.
Pigs are for eating, for eating, not for dating.
Thank you, have a good nightand I'm closing this out.
Thank you for tuning in.
Stay tuned for more awesomenessand wit from on the spectrum
(39:06):
with Sonia, because we are happyto serve it all.
Take care.
Hello everyone and welcome to this week's episode
of On the Spectrum with Sonia, apodcast where we discuss autism
spectrum, mental healthchallenges and anybody who's
overcome any significantadversity.
We highlight these stories sothat our audience can feel
encouraged, hope, love,connected, especially in a world
(00:27):
that tries to disconnect us.
You know, for today's episode Iam actually going to be reading
, as a treat, a couple chaptersof my book and don't get me
wrong, you know I don't wantpeople to feel intimidated by
this word chapters because thechapters I'm going to read are
(00:48):
very short and easy andentertaining.
I use my wit in these.
I have written a book, droppedin a Maze, and because it is
Autism Acceptance and AwarenessMonth, I am going this is my
present to all to share in theworld, as Dropped in a Maze is
(01:10):
about my story.
It's about being on the autismspectrum.
It's about challenges I've gonethrough, but yet lessons I've
learned that anybody can use intheir life.
I've learned that anybody canuse in their life.
(01:32):
So, with that being said, Iwant to start out with this
question for everyone, andyou'll see why this becomes
relevant with what I'm going toread to you today how many of
you are aware that pigs are foreating and not for dating.
Yes, that's the question I havefor you all.
Pigs are for eating, not fordating.
(01:54):
You're going to find out whyright now, starting right now.
So stay tuned to this and enjoythese chapters and it'll all
make sense.
Chapter 22.
(02:17):
Nice to meet you.
Sonia, you need to drop 15pounds.
Sonia, you need to drop 15pounds.
I was excited to finally meet DrGray after I was inundated with
all his praises from my parents.
I had an appointment with themright at the start of the summer
2008 semester.
It was on a Saturday afternoon.
(02:40):
We did the normal intakeprocess of him asking questions
and getting a background history.
Dr Gray examined my arm as hewanted to see if there were
scars left over from the cutting.
At the time, my arm was healingfrom the cuts.
You could see the marks, butthey were becoming faint.
(03:01):
It was yet another reminder ofhow much pain I was in and my
desperate attempt to escape thepain.
Dr Gray made some good pointsduring the first session.
He explained that sometimes,when people don't know how to
describe something or explainhow they feel around a person,
they can be quick to label aperson as weird.
(03:23):
Unfortunately, many people onthe autism spectrum get accused
of being weird because peopledon't understand some of the
behaviors and thought patterns.
We are going to have to do somedetective work as we are
starting to figure out whatparticularly is coming out from
you that is pushing others awayand causing you pain and
difficulties.
(03:43):
That sounds really good.
I feel like someone understandsme.
I have extensive experienceworking with autism spectrum.
I should tell you, sonia, thatmy youngest son is on the autism
spectrum.
He was diagnosed when he wasthree.
He has challenges that he stillfaces, but because of his early
(04:06):
diagnosis he was able toprogress a lot more for his age
than people who weren't able toget diagnosed in early childhood
.
I can definitely understandthat one.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was20.
You see where it got me.
I am here for you and we willwork through this together.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate that, sonia.
(04:27):
We will meet weekly.
For now we can even do sessionstwice a week to start with.
I would appreciate twice a week, noted.
We will talk on the phone andif there are weekends you could
come to the office.
I would encourage you to comein Now.
I wanted to address theself-injurious behaviors you
were doing.
Do you still have urges andthoughts to cut?
No, I don't.
(04:48):
In fact, I have been working ongetting better physically
alongside mentally.
I've been going to the gymalmost every day.
I have been trying to get backinto running and have been doing
weightlifting.
That is great.
You really could benefit fromdropping 15 pounds.
That is great.
You really could benefit fromdropping 15 pounds.
At first I didn't think much ofthis comment.
(05:08):
Little did I know that it wouldserve as a catalyst for future
comments that dealt with moreweight and body image.
If I had known better, I wouldhave called him out the first
time and told him his commentswere not only derogatory but
professionally inappropriate.
After all, inappropriatenessonly leads to further
inappropriateness.
Chapter 23, navigating therapywith Dr Gray while handling
(05:31):
toxicity.
Ona friendship in quotes level.
During the summer of 2008, Istarted noticing Demetrius's
roommate and best friend, jerry.
Jerry was also tall, handsomeman.
He had sandy blonde hair andocean blue eyes.
In fact, every time I looked athim I would envision the middle
of the ocean with the sunlightbeaming on the waters.
(05:53):
Jerry was also charming andkind to people.
It wasn't long before I startedcrushing on him.
Like Demetrius, he wasn'tinterested in me.
I think Jerry came to find outabout my crushing on him through
people.
I wasn't shy about sharing howI felt about him.
Like Demetrius, he wasn'tinterested in me.
I think Jerry came to find outabout my crushing on him through
people.
I wasn't shy about sharing howI felt about him.
The pain of not being likednever changed.
(06:14):
Dr Gray started the secondsession I had with him by saying
I wonder if perhaps there's asign you are wearing that is
pushing people away.
I don't know how to explain thereasons behind why people behave
the way they do towards me.
All I know is throughout mylife I have been met with a lot
(06:34):
of hatred and animosity.
It didn't just end in childhood.
And once I graduated from highschool, the rudeness persisted
in college and even some here.
And once I graduated from highschool, the rudeness persisted
in college and even some here.
This is where we need to dosome detective work and get some
feedback from others that canhelp us.
Do you know some people whomyou could get feedback from?
(06:54):
I think I do.
Why don't you start working ontrying to get some feedback?
Okay, it would take a whilebefore I would get some feedback
.
In the meantime, I would have aharsh reality.
Every time I went out to thebars with people, I was always
the girl that was ignored when Iwas out.
This set me up to want to drinkmore as a way to compensate for
(07:14):
feeling othered and inadequate.
The drinking only led me to actout in ways that set me up to
become a laughingstock to many,because that was the time when I
would go and perform theraunchy rap.
I would also hit hard on menwho were repulsed by me.
There was one man and this isme being nice to him to even
call him a man instead of alittle bitch in particular, who
(07:38):
just gave me dirty glares aftera time I tried to be playful and
flirty.
This is the same man whom Icame to find out from one of his
female friends that he would goaround saying to people why do
you talk to Sonia?
She's so weird.
I found this to be quitesaddening for the fact that it
was coming from somebody in his20s.
The last time I heard this kindof phrase was when I was in
(08:01):
middle school from people intheir early teens.
Jerry, like Demetrius, neverreally wanted to be my friend in
any way, shape or form, he kepthimself at a distance.
More so we were acquaintances.
I used to express my concerns toDr Gray about what I used to
witness of others and how Iwasn't living up like other
(08:23):
people in terms of dating andinteractions of the opposite sex
.
Dr Gray used to say well, it isodd for people your age to
never have gone on a date, butit is not odd for someone with
autism.
I have known many people, evenolder than you, who haven't had
a date Really.
Yes, there are people, though,on the other hand, who really
(08:46):
worked on themselves and foundlove too.
I think you have a chance atfinding someone, and we are
going to need to come up with away for you in the next five
years to increase your chancesof finding someone.
That sounds good.
I hope I can find someone Later.
Throughout the year.
My parents set me up on anIndian dating site.
It was not worth a minute of mytime.
(09:07):
For one thing, I was not toomuch into Indian culture by then
to think of it as enough tonecessarily want to marry
someone because they are Indian.
Jade looked through someprofiles with me and I wasn't
really interested in the peoplethere.
There was one profile we cameacross where the guy even stated
I expect the woman to stay homewith children and give up on
(09:31):
having her own social life onceshe becomes a mother.
I was taken aback by howcontrolling, degrading and
oppressive that was towardswomen.
I was reinforced by people likeClaire who would make comments
like you're going against yourparents by looking outside your
culture.
Things were different for yourbrother because he is a male.
Things are different forfemales.
(09:52):
Even though the part of thingsbeing different for my brother
because he was a male was true,that didn't mean I was confined.
Claire had her own ideas ofwhat it meant to be an Indian
woman based on what informationshe got a hold of that was
disseminated and gave off thewrong picture.
Claire was somewhat like Chloein that she wasn't as patient or
understanding when it came tohow I reacted in what people
(10:16):
would consider emotionallyimmature ways to rejection and
being treated the way othergirls were.
The way I behaved was byexpressing hurt and pain from
feelings of rejection.
I would get upset when I feltrejected and express frustration
.
Claire didn't understand wheremy reactions are coming from.
(10:36):
She used to say your datingskills are like that of a
15-year-old girl.
You're better than that.
What was better, though,sometimes you don't know what
people went through in order tobe where they are, whether it's
someone successful or someone,or whether it's someone who is
socially delayed in some kind ofway.
(11:08):
I had the night before with herand Jade where I would express
misunderstandings about feelingrejected and overlooked by guys
compared to female peers.
Claire wasn't able tounderstand why I felt the way I
felt.
As far as dealing with Claire,I should have told her if that
is how you constantly feel, thendon't be my friend.
I will be fine with or withoutyou in my life.
If I had more confidence theway I do today, I would have
(11:29):
said it to her back then.
However, there was a part of methat admired Claire, even
despite how nasty she could be.
A part of me gravitated towardsher because I wanted her and
Jade to make me into a Barbiegirl.
I used to despise who I wasbecause I didn't feel it was
okay to be me.
I was looking to be fixed andchanged.
Both Jade and Claire had thelooks and a way of attracting
(11:52):
people towards them.
There were other things thatClaire suggested in terms of
makeup.
She told me about the naturallook being in, and she suggested
that I start buying eyeshadowsthat were in brown shades.
Dr Gray suggested that perhapsthere was a way I was using body
language.
Also, dr Gray discussed sexappeal and how perhaps other
(12:14):
women have learned ways to usethat to their advantage.
I didn't have the first clue asto what sex appeal even was.
Dr Gray gave some suggestions,such as keep up with the latest
fashion trends, makeup andweight management.
Dr Gray's wife worked as animage consultant and
psychotherapist.
Dr Gray set me up to goshopping with her so she could
(12:37):
teach me fashion styles.
After we had an in-detailconversation about the idea, I
thought it would be good, sinceI developed enough trust in Dr
Gray.
I thought it would be good,since I developed enough trust
in Dr Gray.
My mom joined along for theride, but she was strict about
what I was able to purchase interms of bottoms.
She protested against me buyingskirts, even pencil style,
(13:02):
because she didn't believe Iwould know how to handle a skirt
.
Mrs Gray and I were able to comeup with an outfit.
It was an orange cardigan, amatching scarf with a pop of
pink color to it and a shirtthat went underneath the
cardigan.
I also bought a pair of blackpants.
The outfit we picked outtogether was the best outfit I
owned at that point.
I started experimenting morewith makeup in the spring of
(13:28):
2007 semester and continueduntil the end of law school.
Mrs Gray gave me a minieyeshadow palette that was more
neutral in colors.
My makeup was never donecorrectly in the sense I would
put on too much.
People could have easilyinterpreted that as me trying
too hard.
Dr Gray used to talk aboutsocial blindness with people on
the autism spectrum.
A lot of times people on thespectrum don't understand how
(13:50):
they are coming across to others.
There may be things that theydo that people don't connect
with in terms of communication.
Maybe it's the way you, sonia,have told jokes or the way you
laugh that may come across asoffensive or just weird to some
people.
Dr Gray eventually picked up onthe fact that my walk wasn't a
fluid motion at one of thein-person sessions.
(14:13):
I had a herniated disc duringone of the sessions from going
too hard all at once at the gym,even though some of my sessions
, some of my reasons why my walkwasn't fluid were due to the
fact that I was in immense backpain.
My walk wasn't also fluid basedto the fact that I was in
immense back pain.
My walk wasn't also fluid basedon the fact I had a funny gait.
From when I was in earlychildhood I have glimpses of
(14:34):
memories of walking on mytiptoes as a child.
I was never fully comfortablewalking with my whole foot on
the floor.
People have called me out on mywalk before throughout my life,
but nobody got into thespecifics of what they saw.
All that was said was that Iwalked weird or too fast.
I knew I walked fast at timesand I was unaware of my posture.
(14:57):
Dr Gray suggested finding amodeling school to attend
courses to learn to fix my walk.
I would eventually learn how towalk properly with the
shoulders back in right posture.
Once I finished law school, jadeand Claire noticed before that
I was a messy eater.
I was having pasta with them atan Italian restaurant after
(15:19):
shopping one day and the saucekept splattering out of my plate
when I was eating.
I could see how this could havebeen a turnoff to people,
especially because people whoare going into such a
prestigious profession as lawwould be held to a standard to
have impeccable table manners.
Dr Gray worked with me on somecognitive behavioral therapy
techniques, such as challengingand reframing thoughts.
(15:41):
I used to have Dr Gray taughtme to say to myself just because
I never had a boyfriend doesn'tmean I am nothing, and just
because I was told mean thingsabout myself doesn't make them
facts.
I was taught to challengecognitive all or nothing
distortive ways of thinking,such as the all or nothing
mindset.
Just because you never had arelationship or struggled to
(16:03):
find good friends doesn't meanthat this will be the case in
the future.
A relationship or struggle tofind good friends doesn't mean
that this will be the case inthe future.
Things can change as youcontinue to grow and learn how
to soothe yourself and as youcontinue to develop more into
yourself.
Dr Gray emphasized that I hadadditional challenges other
people didn't have to deal withbecause of being on the autism
spectrum and having a comorbidmood disorder.
(16:26):
The environment I was in didn'tcontribute to my well-being by
any means.
Claire and I were havingconstant misunderstandings, but
when times are good, they weregreat.
In retrospect, I could nevertrust Claire to stay consistent.
Claire was super protectiveover the fact I was still a
virgin, whereas the vastmajority of women my age are
clearly not.
She used to say you better nothave sex until you're married.
(16:49):
This was Claire's way ofasserting power and control.
I should have asked her why doyou care if I'm a virgin or not?
Kind of odd for you to be thatobsessed with someone you
consider a friend.
No, this is another clue thatit was time to end this
friendship with Claire.
I had a lot of resentment, builtfirst and foremost towards
myself, then my family.
The resentment I had towardsmyself drew from the fact I felt
(17:13):
once again like I was a failurebecause I felt trapped in a
life I didn't want.
Career-wise, my heart was notin the material, even though I
continued to study hard withstruggles.
I was unknowingly putting upwith toxic friendships because I
felt trapped and didn't valuemyself enough to voluntarily end
them.
I was clinging to what Ithought I needed in order to
survive being in a place, in theplace I was.
(17:35):
I resented my family for makingme stick through a place where
I didn't belong, despitedesperate attempts to try to
explain why I wanted to leave.
My dad used to say was you makeyourself like it?
My mom also didn't support mydesires and used to enforce that
I stay in law school.
I used to say that I felt Ipicked the wrong career choice
(17:57):
and would be better suited forbecoming a therapist to help
others, especially those on theautism spectrum, to feel
understood and heard.
She would tell me you're betteroff in law school instead of
trying to see where else youcould be a fit.
Even though I couldn't forcemyself to like law school, I
learned instead to likeself-medicating and numbing
through drinking.
Not only did drinking help meescape from myself, but it
(18:20):
helped me check out of anenvironment where I didn't fit
in.
Dr Gray was another person whoused to discourage me from
quitting law school.
In fact, he thought I shouldn'teven be in the mental health
field or a trial lawyer becauseof autism and the possibility of
people not connecting with me.
He thought I was best suited toadvise people financially,
where people would connect withme on matter of expertise.
(18:44):
My heart was more suited tohelping others in different ways
, ways that would help heal andinspire.
I wanted to be that person forsomeone else.
In ways, I wish I had thatsomeone for myself.
Wait, wait, wait.
So you were never known as theheavy child asked Dr DeGrade to
start one of the sessions.
No, I was not.
(19:06):
I may have been a littleoverweight in middle school, but
that was due to my binge eatingfrom all the bullying and not
knowing how to handle intenseemotions.
There is a way you think aboutand use food, he stated.
I know I'm working on it.
Maybe you need to start addingsome strength training to your
routine.
I have been.
Something isn't working ifyou've been going to the gym as
(19:27):
often as you say you have beengoing.
Well, people have been noticingand telling me I've been
looking gorgeous Girls, that is.
They're just trying to be niceto you.
Perhaps you need to starteating more lean meat and more
protein-based foods.
Another thing hire anutritionist to help you.
Okay, I replied.
The reason I am telling you allthis is that with your autism
(19:49):
and mood disorder, everythinghas to be perfect.
Thin girls get away with more.
I see Some of what Dr Gray saidabout how I thought about used
food was correct.
However, the whole pushing abody image didn't make me feel
good.
There were other times when DrGrade was instructional and
supportive, but critical atother moments.
(20:11):
I didn't realize at the timehow I was beating myself up with
even harder jabs based onthings that were said and said
in my sessions.
I shared some feedback.
I happened to get Some feedback.
I happened to get some feedback.
I happened to get that a coupleof people told me throughout
law school.
(20:31):
Apart from that one guy tellingpeople I was weird, there was
another girl who was goingaround echoing the same
sentiments.
It is no surprise that thosetwo were friends and they
happened to be in the samefriend group as Demetrius and
Jerry.
Dr Gray would say well, let'slisten to what these people are
saying.
You should care about whatother people say about you
(20:53):
because this is what carried youthroughout your whole life.
The times when Dr Gray showedsome support were when I
discussed feeling hurt fromrejections and overall
misconceptions people had aboutme.
He also supported me whenfamily members felt it was their
place to think well, sonia isin law school now.
She is quote cured, end quotefrom autism.
(21:15):
That couldn't have been furtherfrom the truth.
And just because people go tograduate school and pursue
professions doesn't cure them ofautism in the least.
I struggled to pass my classesand there was a semester when I
was placed on academic probationbecause I just didn't connect
to the material.
I had to retake a course that Ifailed.
Ingham Law School allowed forone retake if you failed a
(21:39):
course and they would void thecourse upon successfully passing
the retake course.
There were family members whoalso felt I should stop therapy
altogether.
In truth, therapy was the onlything keeping me afloat, even
though the therapy sessionsweren't always the best.
Sonia, that really irritates methat they say things like this
about you.
(21:59):
If your family members wereserious about entertaining such
a thought of you completelyending therapy, they should seek
consultation from someone whois highly acclaimed in the field
.
I personally don't feel youshould stop therapy.
If anything, I think it woulddamage you.
I agree with you, dr Gray.
I feel that therapy has beensupportive in some ways, in that
(22:19):
at least someone understandsautism.
This is where I blinded myselfinto thinking everything was
okay with these therapy sessionsthe fact that somebody
understood autism.
Sonia, you are getting somereal therapy that has teeth to
it.
Yes, and I feel you understandme.
Believe me, I do.
I replied what would you say tothe guys who rejected me?
(22:40):
I would tell them I don't knowwhat kind of girl Sonia would
have been for you, however, ifyou would have given Sonia a
chance, even if it is just toget to know her.
I think that would have been areally great opportunity for the
both of you.
Oh, thank you.
That means a lot, sonia.
I mean every word of that.
Overall, the majority of thetherapy sessions for as long as
(23:05):
I was in law school were avacillation between supportive
and critical.
Some of what Dr Gray said wouldbe contradictory to his previous
statements.
On the one hand, he would saybecause of your autism and mood
disorder, everything has to beperfect.
This means you need to be thin.
People these days are obsessedwith all the airbrushing, and I
(23:25):
have clients who won't date agirl who is even five pounds
overweight.
All I could respond with wasI'm doing my best, I get it.
Then he would say on days youfeel bad, you need to learn to
go do something for yourself,such as go get an ice cream.
Mind you, these statementswouldn't have been said in the
same session, yet the messageswere contradictory.
(23:46):
Wouldn't have been said in thesame session.
Yet the messages werecontradictory.
I would share about certainsituations that would come up at
bars when I was out withfriends.
End quotes Dr Gray reminded meof some of the moments when I
was left to my own devices.
Moments when I saw people gooff and dance with another.
Moments when I was pushed tothe side whereas other guys and
(24:06):
girls are chatting away toremind myself that I am still
beautiful, I am still lovable,I'm still worthy.
Sonia, the unfortunate truth iswhen people have any kind of
psychiatric diagnosis, authorsdon't like to be around that
person.
People step back, said Dr Grayin a judgmental tone.
That's unfortunate.
I said I was bamboozled by howjudgmental psychotherapists
(24:34):
could be towards those withmental health issues.
There are people whom Dr Graywas supposed to help.
These are people whom Dr Graywas supposed to help, and it was
his job as a professional tohelp them feel safe.
How he was able to comment onpeople who struggle with mental
health was not only a way topush people away, but was
(24:54):
completely unprofessional.
It made me wonder why.
Someone like him was even apsychologist, but, like in any
profession, people can enter itfor the wrong reasons.
I know about that all too well.
I said, remembering flashbacksof my youth.
That is why you need to makesure you're doing things you
enjoy.
People want to be aroundsomeone who has sunshine in
(25:16):
their hearts.
People don't like to be aroundpeople who have all sorts of
issues.
He said I am working on it.
I said feeling judged, dr Gray'slambasting about looks hit hard
.
You are better off going forsomeone who is seven out of a 10
.
I don't think guys see you asmore than a seven.
You have a pretty face and ifyou lost weight you would look
(25:37):
better overall.
However, you aren't a moviestar.
I think I am beautiful the wayI am.
I responded this was one thingI started teaching myself when
depression hit hard during thewinter semester of my 2L, second
year of law school for thosewho don't know what 2L means I
used to practice saying I am asexy diva repeatedly in front of
(26:03):
the mirror.
At first it felt very weird,but it became a routine and
something I grew to love sayingto myself Guys, don't see you
like that.
Dr Gray said I don't care whatguys see me, as it's the opinion
of myself that should countfirst.
Dr Gray, there was no responsefor that, and rightfully so.
Ultimately, it's how you viewyourself that counts the most,
(26:26):
because you are with yourselfall the time.
Make your view about yourselfbe a good one.
Also, dr Gray was no supermodellooking male, so he really had
no business instructing me onhow I should look.
The only thing he had going forhim was his wife, who was
gorgeous.
Hey, this is a spade.
(26:46):
Call on the spade.
Chapter 24, table Manners Time.
Before law school graduation, Idid an internship at a
prosecutor's office.
My brother was diagnosed withstomach cancer right as I was
entering my third year of lawschool.
He unfortunately didn't survivehaving cancer and he passed
(27:10):
away on May 21, 2009.
My heart hurt for him.
During my last year of lawschool, which also played into
some of the drinking I was doing.
My brother's passing was at atime I was just beginning my
internship and it was a processin and of itself to take some
days off up to and after mybrother's passing.
I also had to do an independentstudy in order to graduate on
(27:33):
time, so I was kept rather busy.
Over the summer, my mom was intouch with an organization in
the suburbs of Chicago thatdealt with services for autism.
The lady who ran theorganization, mrs Gorman, had
gotten to know my parents in theearly 2000s.
Post-diagnosis, my mom happenedto call Mrs Gorman to discuss
some of the social challenges Iwas having.
(27:53):
Mrs Gorman suggested that wemeet with one of her employees
Kelly, kelly, my mom, mrs Gormanand I all met for lunch and
Kelly introduced and describedthe kinds of work she does.
Kelly studied psychology at agraduate school in downtown
Chicago.
Her goal was to focus onindividuals with autism.
We came to an agreement thatKelly and I would spend time
(28:15):
together and she would givefeedback on what she saw that
may be preventing me from comingacross as the best version of
myself.
Kelly and I met for the firsttime by ourselves over lunch.
She was able to get anassessment of me the first time
we all met and she noticed thatmy motor skills are off.
(28:42):
Sonia, the first thing you needto do is eat slowly.
Remember this rule two bites,one sip of water.
Two bites, one sip of water.
Okay, I also noticed the firsttime we met that you were doing
something with your fork thatwas different from what other
people were doing when they wereeating.
It was like you were making anoise with it.
When the fork was hitting yourteeth, your grip was also off.
(29:04):
Oh, I wasn't aware.
You tend to use your fork as aspoon sometimes.
Let me show you how to properlyhold your fork so that when it
goes to your mouth so that itgoes to your mouth.
I want you to watch me, thenfollow.
I watched Kelly closely andtook mental notes.
(29:25):
I repeated to myself two bites,one sip of water.
Sonia, we are going to focus oneating, because when you first
start dating someone, that iswhat you're going to be doing.
I was receptive to her help andsupport.
However, it felt quiteembarrassing that a woman who
was in her mid-20s had to betaught table manners.
Such table manners were taughtto people at substantially
(29:47):
younger ages.
Dr Gray was in full support ofthe work I was doing with Kelly.
He used to even suggest haveher watch you stand up, sit down
, walk to the bathroom, walkaround, etc.
We have spoken before aboutyour walk being off, so I'm glad
you are getting some help withthat.
Thank you, I said.
The next time Kelly and I met,she noticed how I played with my
(30:10):
hair a bit when we were at thetable.
Kelly taught me to keep myhands together on my lap.
At the moment I felt likefidgeting with my hair.
This is still a work inprogress, as I have a tendency
to fidget with my hair forsensory regulation.
Kelly saw improvement with thetwo bites and one sip of water.
She also noticed an improvementin how I held my fork.
(30:31):
I started mentioning to Kellysome of the concerns brought up
by Dr Gray about my gait beingoff.
Kelly mentioned that she mayhave seen something and she
would be on the lookout.
She initially focused on thetable manners and motor skills.
When it came to eating, I wasusually quite flexible about
(30:51):
where we met, but there was oneplace she sent us for us to meet
where I didn't get a goodfeeling.
I looked at the menu online andthe items they served were not
to my taste.
With a reluctance, I asked herif we could go somewhere else, a
spot we hadn't been to before,but I knew the menu would be
more to my liking.
She agreed, but her unhappinessshowed when she came to the
(31:12):
place.
Sonia, don't do this again.
What would have happened if youdone this on a date, kelly
asked scoldingly.
I don't know.
I replied your date would haveprobably been pissed off and
annoyed, said Kelly.
Oh, please be mindful of that,moving forward and don't do that
again, said Kelly sternly.
Yeah, sorry about that, I said.
(31:33):
A part of me wondered if Kellywas bothered by my changing the
place, because she really wantedto eat at the other restaurant
During the dinner, kelly noticedthat I ordered only an
appetizer that wasn't the mostnutritional in value.
She taught me the whole conceptof making sure I order healthy
foods when I go out to eat.
Kelly said eating healthy showspeople you care about yourself
(31:55):
and you take care of yourself.
Kelly addressed my walk.
After she saw me walk up aflight of stairs to use a
restroom, she had me practiceclimbing the stairs with the
more proper form.
Kelly and I went to the mall soshe could see how I walk around
places.
Kelly was then able to show mehow I was coming across when I
(32:15):
was walking, and it wasdefinitely not a fluid motion.
By any means, kelly taught meto walk standing up straight
with my shoulders back.
She showed me how to walk fromheel to toe using the whole foot
in a more fluid motion.
Apart from working on the walk,she used to give me constructive
feedback on appearance.
She used to give meconstructive feedback on
(32:38):
appearance.
Kelly never commented on weighton my weight and she instead
commented on how my hairappeared disheveled and that my
bra needed to be a better fit.
I was taught to start payingmore attention to those aspects
before I left the house.
In the short time that I workedwith Kelly, she taught me
things I needed to start to workon to improve myself.
That I work with Kelly, shetaught me things I needed to
start to work on to improvemyself.
(32:58):
I found working with her to bemore helpful than attending
sessions with Dr Gray.
Dr Gray, on the other hand, keptharping about weight and
appearance.
He would say at times you know,there are times when there's
not that someone for everyone Alot of people battle with
(33:18):
loneliness.
Dr Gray would talk about how hehad clients who were never able
to find someone.
He kept on his serenade abouthow some of his clients wouldn't
go out with women who are fivepounds overweight.
I finally had enough and askedhim don't you think it's
possible that these clients whoare fussing about women being
five pounds overweight are justbeing shallow?
Women can pick up on men whoare shallow and keep their
(33:39):
distance.
After all, pigs are for eating,not for dating.
Point being and sharing this isyou know what.
Ultimately, you have that powerto define who you are you.
You know if the way you feelabout yourself and the way that
(33:59):
you come across to others right?
I mean, here's the thing Nobodyhas that power to define your
beauty.
Your relationship statusesdon't define your beauty, the
fact that what house you live in, or the neighborhood you live
in, or the bank account you have, or what you do for a job, or
(34:22):
what your talents are, what yourbody types are here's the thing
you are beautiful and specialin your own way, and people
don't have a right to tell youwhat your worth is, because
nobody has that kind of power.
The only person who coulddefine your worth is you.
(34:44):
And so the next time somebodysays something to you right,
understand a lot of times it'snot coming from a good place.
When they're projecting stuffonto you, when they say negative
things to you to make you feela certain way, that's insecurity
, that's their own projectionsthat they're putting out there.
(35:07):
They want you to feel a certainway because they perhaps, maybe
don't feel good aboutthemselves, maybe they're
envious of you, maybe they seesomething in you that
intimidates them because theylook at what's lacking in
themselves, right?
So just you know.
My whole point is this, andhere's the thing If you're going
(35:27):
to get people who are going tocritique you so badly about your
body appearance, then you knowwhat.
Those are people that areprobably not worth a minute of
your time.
Those are probably pigs youwill not want to date anyway.
Let's just be honest.
They're probably pigs you don'twant to date anyway, right?
(35:50):
So if people are going to bethat critically bad about your
appearance, now, here's thething.
I want to also make thisdistinction.
It's different if you are,let's say, if you are morbidly
obese, right to a point whereit's unhealthy, to a point where
(36:10):
you can't move, to a pointwhere your health is failing on
you because your body isshutting down from being
morbidly obese or having justorgan fail, you know your organs
are failing you all.
That that's a differentdiscussion.
Right Now, if that's like youknow, that's that.
(36:32):
But these are not the peopleI'm talking about.
People I'm talking about, okay,maybe, let's say, maybe you have
an endomorph body, maybe youhave an apple shape, maybe you
have a little bit of midsectionfat or, you know, maybe maybe a
little bit heavier than what wewant, right, I'm talking about
these kinds of people, right,because that happens.
And here's the thing.
This is not to judge any bodytype or anything like that,
(36:56):
because here's the thing at theend of the day.
We, you know, we don't knowwhat people are going through.
We don't know their situation,we don't know what's happening
in their body.
Maybe they're taking somemedicine, maybe, you know, that
may be causing some weight gain.
Maybe they're on.
Maybe their nutrition needs areneeding to be tweaked, who
knows?
You know, we don't know what'sgoing on with the person.
(37:17):
But the people I'm talking to,right, if you?
But but this is the thing, youknow, the people, the people I'm
just referring to now.
Maybe a little excessive inweight, maybe a little extra
here, right, if somebody isgoing to really be that critical
on you and just keep pushingyou for your weight and pushing
you and you're trying your best,right, and this is what these
(37:40):
are, the people I'm trying toreach to, is that you know what
you don't want.
People that are like that andthat are in your life, doing
that right.
So those, that's what I'mtalking about.
Those kinds of people, that'swhat I say.
What I'm talking about thosekinds of people, that's what I
say.
Pigs are free.
This is why pigs are for eating, not for dating.
(38:01):
After all, never have I everheard anybody complain about
bacon with a side of eggs.
There's, you know, a side ofbacon with eggs.
Rather, I've never heardanybody, uh, complain about
pancetta and spaghetti carbonara.
I never heard about peoplecomplain about bacon there.
(38:22):
I never have.
The only pigs I hear peoplecomplain about is when they try
to date them.
That's the only time I hearthem complain about pigs.
So just remember that, as weclose out of this is that pigs
are for eating and not fordating.
And if you have dietaryrestrictions and you are not
(38:44):
eating any pork, just rememberone thing still rules apply.
The same rules apply.
Pigs are for eating, for eating, not for dating.
Thank you, have a good nightand I'm closing this out.
Thank you for tuning in.
Stay tuned for more awesomenessand wit from on the spectrum
(39:06):
with Sonia, because we are happyto serve it all.
Take care.
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