October 3, 2023 • 16 mins
How do you handle being in a relationship with someone who is contentious? Many people are struggling and trying to find the middle ground with someone not seeking peace and harmony. The episode explores how we can be better prepared to deal with this type of individual. Whether you're ready or not, you're in for a fight!
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello, welcome back to Once I Knew a Girl.
I'm your host, Sam Bailey.
And I want to first of all beginby thanking all of you who
continue to support thispodcast.
Thank you for joining.
Please keep sharing.
You can find it any platformwhere podcasts are found.
Once I Knew a Girl is a podcastthat explores the complexities
of relationships.
(00:22):
It began as a subjectiveperspective on what it means to
be in a relationship, what itmeans to navigate that as a
young man.
But I believe it's going toevolve into a conversation that
continues to occur between menand women.
And so I want to invite you intothe conversation.
I want you ladies, too, tolisten and to share this with
your young man, to share withone another.
(00:43):
And let's just keep theconversation open.
If you want to know the conceptor the origins behind Once I
Knew a Girl, you can go back andcheck out the first, second,
third, fourth episodes, and itwill catch you up to where we
are.
Today, I want to talk about OnceI Knew a Girl Who Was
Contentious.
A girl who contends, both menand women understand the nature
(01:08):
of contention.
I mean, contention can keep anorganization from functioning or
thriving at a high level.
Contention can keep yourrelationship from reaching the
necessary level of communicationthat is required for you to move
in the same direction with yourpartner.
(01:28):
I mean, someone who iscontentious with you, they will
disagree with you just for thesake of disagreeing with you.
They're never in harmony withyou.
And I have to throw in the wordcompatibility.
You have to be compatible.
That's like trying to fit around peg in a square hole when
you're dealing with acontentious person.
(01:49):
And sometimes it's easy to thinkthat a contentious person is
different.
always the victim because that'show they paint their sales, that
they are the victim and they'rejust fighting back because they
have no other way to do it, noother reason but to defend
themselves.
How is it possible, fellas?
And ladies, I understand thatthere's some men out there, but
(02:10):
I want to address the fellasfirst.
How is it possible to bepeacefully married to a
contentious woman and still be areal man?
That's a tough question.
Matter of fact, this societydoesn't like for you to say real
man because the line is blurred,right?
You just are whatever you wantto be and whatever you want to
identify with.
But I'm old fashioned.
I still believe that there arethings that God made a man
(02:34):
specifically for to doemotionally, hormonally.
There are differences betweenphysically.
There are differences betweenmen and women.
I think once we take that away,we cease to effectively dissect
what it means to be in arelationship.
And so the choices that thiscontentious person leaves you
with is to fight back or toretreat.
(02:56):
Nobody wants war when they comehome.
I mean, it's tough enough tolive out in the world, be in the
world, deal with things in theworld.
to only come home or to come tothat space, which should be a
sacred place, which should be apositive place, a nurturing
place, only to find that you'restill at war.
So your contentious woman couldrange from one who is just
(03:16):
annoying, Just annoying.
Some people just annoying littlethings that they do.
They purposely get on yournerves.
It's just annoying how they viewlife, their worldview, their
perspective.
And then there are some are justimpossible to live with.
And I think there are someextremes for handling a
contentious wife or contentiouswoman or contentious husband.
And another is just to wash yourhands of it.
(03:37):
Totally take no responsibility.
You just say they're thecontentious one.
I'm going to just try to live atpeace.
And then there are some peoplewho take the alternate route of
becoming a doormat.
That means peace at all costs,right?
And this is the much less manly.
It's counterfeit peace, right?
You have the dollar, but youhave no value.
(03:59):
And the only way you can seethat is you got to hold it up to
the light.
So sometimes these relationshipsneed to be held up to a light
and a different standard to seeif this is living up to what it
ought to be.
And so I think...
We can live at peace, but wehave to make sure the peace is
genuine, authentic peace.
Peace.
So a contentious woman is thatway in her nature.
(04:20):
I think we forget that.
And I think sometimes we getmarried and we want to change
people, but we don't see theywere like that when we marry
them.
But we were blind by white laceand promises.
We were blinded by wedding cake.
We were blinded by trying togain and build a life together.
And so after things settle down,I always tell couples that I
counsel even premaritally beforemarriage, I often say, come see
(04:44):
me in about a year.
And sure enough, I'm not.
those realities sink in, thosepersonalities begin to be
exposed, they begin to seethings.
And so when you're living withsomebody who's contentious, you
try to change them, but youcan't change them.
They have to want to change ontheir own.
And I believe there is somenarcissism at the core of some
of the contention because theyare unaware of their behavior
(05:06):
and unaware how this behavior isaffecting other people.
So she may not even accept thatshe's contentious.
She may not even try tounderstand what it is that
you're trying to say, because tochange behavior, you have to
have a clear understanding.
You have to have insight andawareness that I even have a
problem, right?
So You think about you're tryingto be a man.
(05:26):
You're trying to act like a man.
You're trying to lead.
And sometimes, you know, it'shard for some men to lead
because their wives just won'tfollow them.
And they say, I'm not supposedto lead you.
I'm not supposed to follow youif you don't do this and that.
His job is not to every leaderin every organization.
Your job is not to makeeverybody in your organization
and your family happy.
(05:47):
Your job is elite.
And sometimes as a leader,you're you're going to
disappoint some people.
But I think we have to make sureif we're leading somebody that
we do it with love, that we doit with compassion, that we do
it with gentleness, that we doit with patience.
But it's hard when someonecontends with you because you
can't say, hey, let's try this.
They say, let's try that.
They are not with you.
(06:07):
They don't support you.
And the process can be clear forunderstanding that there is a
difference between someone who'ssupportive, nurturing, caring
and and unified than someone whois contentious, which drives you
further apart.
So I think there comes a timewhere you have to have a clear
understanding and distinctionbetween what is under your
(06:31):
responsibility and control.
And then I often say some thingsyou just got to turn over to
God, you know, because you willnever find that internal peace.
And I've said this to couples,In therapy, I've said it to
people in casual conversation,and I think some people are
getting what I'm saying, andsome people will dismiss it.
The contentious person won'tlike it at all.
(06:52):
But there are times where youhave to disconnect.
See, there are some people,relationships, I see them like
this.
There are some people who aretogether, and we talk about
happily married, but they don'treally know that until they've
been tested, right?
There are some people who aremarried, and it doesn't matter
what they have.
Don't matter if they have theright job, the right money, they
(07:12):
just love each other.
And they love each othergenuinely and purely based upon
nothing superficial, right?
But there are some people whoare together and it's life and
trials and tribulations thatexpose the superficial nature of
their dynamics.
And so sometimes...
(07:34):
you have to, if you're going tostay in that relationship and
stay in that marriage longperiod, because some people
that's the goal, right?
Doesn't matter how good therelationship is.
That's old school.
At least we stayed together.
This relationship gave no gloryto God.
This relationship didn't helpanybody.
This relationship didn't show agood example of what it's like
to have a positive marriage anda positive relationship, but we
(07:57):
stayed together and You know, wewere dysfunctional, but we
stayed together.
We weren't happy for a lot ofyears, but we stayed together.
And if you're going to do that,the only way you can stay in
there is you have to disconnectyourself from that person.
But therein lies the problem.
You have a connection, right?
There's a difference betweenunion and family.
(08:18):
And communion, right?
When you are connected tosomeone, you have union and
you're joined to them.
But when you have communion, youare joined with them.
So when you are with somebody,that means there's a flow.
You flow into them.
They flow into you.
You get what you need.
They get what they need.
You get what you want.
(08:39):
They get what they want.
And everybody is happy.
But when you're just withsomeone, you're occupying space,
taking up space.
And what a contentious persondoes to you more than anything
is they put you and keep you onthe defensive.
You're always in a place whereyou are defending your position.
(08:59):
And so I think it's possiblethat sometimes when we get into
relationships, you're talkingabout once I knew a person,
sometimes we just begin wrongand then we try to end right.
And you thought it was cute whenyou first started, right?
She's so feisty.
She fights back and shedisagrees with everything I say
just for the sake ofdisagreeing.
(09:20):
Now, let's come on, fellas.
Sometimes we are hard headed.
Sometimes we just some of us arejust plain and simply stubborn,
you know, and we're bullheadedand pigheaded or whatever.
kind of head that you can thinkof.
And we just go against the grainjust to go against the grain.
Ain't no woman going to tell mewhat to do.
And so a lot of people taketheir past experiences, whether
(09:43):
you had someone who controlledyou, you're going to make sure
in your previous relationship,I'm not going to be controlled
again.
Or whether you had someone whoallows you to control.
And I think there are somewomen, I've heard women say, if
he lets me, I'm going to runover him.
I'm like, what?
What is that?
What is that?
That doesn't say a lot.
That doesn't speak a lot to whoyou are as a person.
(10:03):
If he lets me, I'm going to runover him.
I got it on the surface, but whowould want to be in that
situation?
in the first place, right?
So you think about it.
When someone's contentious,there are going to be many
things that are going to happenin her life or in his life.
A contentious person will blameyou.
They'll make you think that itis your fault.
They're going to blame you forthe poor marital relationship
(10:25):
that is a result of thecontentiousness.
She's never happy.
She's never satisfied.
She's miserable.
She don't want this.
And now she's going to blame youfor the way things are in that
relationship.
She's going to believe that shehas the right to be contentious
towards you because of acombined view, right?
That you're not good enough forher, that she's superior to you.
(10:47):
And I think that is at the core.
Subjectively, I think that thereare some people who really
believe that they are superiorto you and it shows.
And this is one of the reasonsthat trying to stop her from
being contentious will not work.
She cannot tolerate anycriticism.
Usually a contentious personcannot tolerate criticism.
(11:08):
So you get stuck in this cycle,in this blame game, in this
frustration.
Anything you do will never beenough.
And she's not going to changebased on your urgings.
That's why I'm a believer inprayer.
You know, you got to pray toGod.
Only God can change a person.
But a person has got to want tochange.
So don't try to persuade her tounderstand what she's doing to
(11:29):
you.
And the relationship, becauseshe's not going to get it.
She will not respect you.
He will not respect you.
You will be embarrassed andit'll feel like rotten.
Your bones are rotten.
And then they'll play thevictim.
And that's what happens when therelationship goes sour.
They will publicly play thevictim and nobody even knows
(11:49):
what you had to deal with.
And so this controlling natureseeks to prevent you from being
yourself.
And it seeks to prevent you frombeing from experiencing and
expressing your true emotions.
So realize that tonight.
Someone else's contentiousnessis inside of them.
(12:10):
And it's hard not to do that.
It's hard not to take that stuffon yourself.
It's hard not to take ownershipof it.
But remember, if this personasks you for an opinion, realize
they're not looking for you togive the answer immediately.
straight from your heart, thehonest answer.
They're looking to give theanswer that they want to hear.
And if you don't get the answerthat they want to hear, they're
going to whine.
They're going to complain.
(12:31):
They're going to act like thevictim.
They're going to shut down.
And they're going to use silencesometimes as a way to manipulate
and control.
In other words, to disengagesometimes is a method that is
commonly used to manipulate andcontrol.
There's an underlying sense thatshe really only cares about
herself.
And I think from a humanperspective, it makes loving her
(12:55):
feel as though it's not worththe effort.
And that's what makes it tough.
I am called to love you.
I'm supposed to love you, butthe effort of ciphering through
the moods and the emotions andthe feelings and the spectrum,
right?
The pendulum swings of emotions,highs and lows, and I don't know
(13:16):
who you are today and how todeal with you today.
And the root cause of all thiscontentiousness I believe is a
strong drive to conform to theworld.
And she or he wants what theywant.
And at the core of this isentitlement.
It's like the generation of kidswe have going on right now.
(13:36):
Entitlement and ingratitude gohand in hand.
When you realize that no one hasto do anything for you, you
don't have this sense ofentitlement.
When you realize that nobody isGod's gift to anyone, you don't
have this sense of entitlement.
But when your heart is filledwith gratitude, you're grateful
that someone even wants to loveyou and you try to do the best
(13:56):
to bring out the best in thatperson.
And that's an important thing toconsider, that inner drive to
bring out the best in thatperson.
So if you're here in this spaceand you're thinking about your
relationship or the dynamics ofbeing with a contentious person,
just realize that you marriedthis person.
(14:19):
You're dating this person.
This is in your control.
Speak truth to yourselves ratherthan falsehoods.
And then focus on fulfillingGod's purpose for your life.
Sometimes we We focus too muchon the other person or realize
that even when someone doesn'tlove you and doesn't treat you
well, you got to love yourself.
You got to keep yourself.
(14:42):
You got to take care of yourselfand you got to find personal
fulfillment in the things thatyou do and give the person
grace.
I think there are some peoplewho can change and grow from it.
And there's some people whowon't.
And I want to tell you to stoptrying to defend yourself.
It doesn't work.
Sometimes it You get frustratedby trying to prove how good and
worthy and lovely you are tothis person.
(15:02):
They don't want to hear it.
The people that really love youand want to be with you, they
know who you are.
They see who you are and they'llunderstand it.
You get your self-worth andrespect, I believe, from God and
your purpose from him, notanother person.
And so set the goal of being atpeace to the extent that you
can.
That's important.
And create a space for you tothrive and leave people to God
(15:26):
to deal with.
And I I think that's soimportant.
And I think it's a situationthat all of us can identify
with, whether personally orlooking at it, looking at
someone who we know who hasexperienced it.
I hope that you've enjoyedtoday's podcast.
I hope you share this podcast.
(15:48):
Tell somebody like, listen, yougot to check this out.
You got to subscribe to Once IKnew A Girl.
It's on Google Podcasts.
It's on iHeart.
It's on Apple Podcasts.
It's on Spotify.
Anywhere you can find them, it'sthere.
So I want to thank you guys forjoining.
Again, I'm working on puttingthese out more regularly till I
finish the entire concept.
(16:08):
And I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
And I hope you join in righthere next time on Once I Knew A
Girl.
Be blessed.
Hello, welcome back to Once I Knew a Girl.
I'm your host, Sam Bailey.
And I want to first of all beginby thanking all of you who
continue to support thispodcast.
Thank you for joining.
Please keep sharing.
You can find it any platformwhere podcasts are found.
Once I Knew a Girl is a podcastthat explores the complexities
of relationships.
(00:22):
It began as a subjectiveperspective on what it means to
be in a relationship, what itmeans to navigate that as a
young man.
But I believe it's going toevolve into a conversation that
continues to occur between menand women.
And so I want to invite you intothe conversation.
I want you ladies, too, tolisten and to share this with
your young man, to share withone another.
(00:43):
And let's just keep theconversation open.
If you want to know the conceptor the origins behind Once I
Knew a Girl, you can go back andcheck out the first, second,
third, fourth episodes, and itwill catch you up to where we
are.
Today, I want to talk about OnceI Knew a Girl Who Was
Contentious.
A girl who contends, both menand women understand the nature
(01:08):
of contention.
I mean, contention can keep anorganization from functioning or
thriving at a high level.
Contention can keep yourrelationship from reaching the
necessary level of communicationthat is required for you to move
in the same direction with yourpartner.
(01:28):
I mean, someone who iscontentious with you, they will
disagree with you just for thesake of disagreeing with you.
They're never in harmony withyou.
And I have to throw in the wordcompatibility.
You have to be compatible.
That's like trying to fit around peg in a square hole when
you're dealing with acontentious person.
(01:49):
And sometimes it's easy to thinkthat a contentious person is
different.
always the victim because that'show they paint their sales, that
they are the victim and they'rejust fighting back because they
have no other way to do it, noother reason but to defend
themselves.
How is it possible, fellas?
And ladies, I understand thatthere's some men out there, but
(02:10):
I want to address the fellasfirst.
How is it possible to bepeacefully married to a
contentious woman and still be areal man?
That's a tough question.
Matter of fact, this societydoesn't like for you to say real
man because the line is blurred,right?
You just are whatever you wantto be and whatever you want to
identify with.
But I'm old fashioned.
I still believe that there arethings that God made a man
(02:34):
specifically for to doemotionally, hormonally.
There are differences betweenphysically.
There are differences betweenmen and women.
I think once we take that away,we cease to effectively dissect
what it means to be in arelationship.
And so the choices that thiscontentious person leaves you
with is to fight back or toretreat.
(02:56):
Nobody wants war when they comehome.
I mean, it's tough enough tolive out in the world, be in the
world, deal with things in theworld.
to only come home or to come tothat space, which should be a
sacred place, which should be apositive place, a nurturing
place, only to find that you'restill at war.
So your contentious woman couldrange from one who is just
(03:16):
annoying, Just annoying.
Some people just annoying littlethings that they do.
They purposely get on yournerves.
It's just annoying how they viewlife, their worldview, their
perspective.
And then there are some are justimpossible to live with.
And I think there are someextremes for handling a
contentious wife or contentiouswoman or contentious husband.
And another is just to wash yourhands of it.
(03:37):
Totally take no responsibility.
You just say they're thecontentious one.
I'm going to just try to live atpeace.
And then there are some peoplewho take the alternate route of
becoming a doormat.
That means peace at all costs,right?
And this is the much less manly.
It's counterfeit peace, right?
You have the dollar, but youhave no value.
(03:59):
And the only way you can seethat is you got to hold it up to
the light.
So sometimes these relationshipsneed to be held up to a light
and a different standard to seeif this is living up to what it
ought to be.
And so I think...
We can live at peace, but wehave to make sure the peace is
genuine, authentic peace.
Peace.
So a contentious woman is thatway in her nature.
(04:20):
I think we forget that.
And I think sometimes we getmarried and we want to change
people, but we don't see theywere like that when we marry
them.
But we were blind by white laceand promises.
We were blinded by wedding cake.
We were blinded by trying togain and build a life together.
And so after things settle down,I always tell couples that I
counsel even premaritally beforemarriage, I often say, come see
(04:44):
me in about a year.
And sure enough, I'm not.
those realities sink in, thosepersonalities begin to be
exposed, they begin to seethings.
And so when you're living withsomebody who's contentious, you
try to change them, but youcan't change them.
They have to want to change ontheir own.
And I believe there is somenarcissism at the core of some
of the contention because theyare unaware of their behavior
(05:06):
and unaware how this behavior isaffecting other people.
So she may not even accept thatshe's contentious.
She may not even try tounderstand what it is that
you're trying to say, because tochange behavior, you have to
have a clear understanding.
You have to have insight andawareness that I even have a
problem, right?
So You think about you're tryingto be a man.
(05:26):
You're trying to act like a man.
You're trying to lead.
And sometimes, you know, it'shard for some men to lead
because their wives just won'tfollow them.
And they say, I'm not supposedto lead you.
I'm not supposed to follow youif you don't do this and that.
His job is not to every leaderin every organization.
Your job is not to makeeverybody in your organization
and your family happy.
(05:47):
Your job is elite.
And sometimes as a leader,you're you're going to
disappoint some people.
But I think we have to make sureif we're leading somebody that
we do it with love, that we doit with compassion, that we do
it with gentleness, that we doit with patience.
But it's hard when someonecontends with you because you
can't say, hey, let's try this.
They say, let's try that.
They are not with you.
(06:07):
They don't support you.
And the process can be clear forunderstanding that there is a
difference between someone who'ssupportive, nurturing, caring
and and unified than someone whois contentious, which drives you
further apart.
So I think there comes a timewhere you have to have a clear
understanding and distinctionbetween what is under your
(06:31):
responsibility and control.
And then I often say some thingsyou just got to turn over to
God, you know, because you willnever find that internal peace.
And I've said this to couples,In therapy, I've said it to
people in casual conversation,and I think some people are
getting what I'm saying, andsome people will dismiss it.
The contentious person won'tlike it at all.
(06:52):
But there are times where youhave to disconnect.
See, there are some people,relationships, I see them like
this.
There are some people who aretogether, and we talk about
happily married, but they don'treally know that until they've
been tested, right?
There are some people who aremarried, and it doesn't matter
what they have.
Don't matter if they have theright job, the right money, they
(07:12):
just love each other.
And they love each othergenuinely and purely based upon
nothing superficial, right?
But there are some people whoare together and it's life and
trials and tribulations thatexpose the superficial nature of
their dynamics.
And so sometimes...
(07:34):
you have to, if you're going tostay in that relationship and
stay in that marriage longperiod, because some people
that's the goal, right?
Doesn't matter how good therelationship is.
That's old school.
At least we stayed together.
This relationship gave no gloryto God.
This relationship didn't helpanybody.
This relationship didn't show agood example of what it's like
to have a positive marriage anda positive relationship, but we
(07:57):
stayed together and You know, wewere dysfunctional, but we
stayed together.
We weren't happy for a lot ofyears, but we stayed together.
And if you're going to do that,the only way you can stay in
there is you have to disconnectyourself from that person.
But therein lies the problem.
You have a connection, right?
There's a difference betweenunion and family.
(08:18):
And communion, right?
When you are connected tosomeone, you have union and
you're joined to them.
But when you have communion, youare joined with them.
So when you are with somebody,that means there's a flow.
You flow into them.
They flow into you.
You get what you need.
They get what they need.
You get what you want.
(08:39):
They get what they want.
And everybody is happy.
But when you're just withsomeone, you're occupying space,
taking up space.
And what a contentious persondoes to you more than anything
is they put you and keep you onthe defensive.
You're always in a place whereyou are defending your position.
(08:59):
And so I think it's possiblethat sometimes when we get into
relationships, you're talkingabout once I knew a person,
sometimes we just begin wrongand then we try to end right.
And you thought it was cute whenyou first started, right?
She's so feisty.
She fights back and shedisagrees with everything I say
just for the sake ofdisagreeing.
(09:20):
Now, let's come on, fellas.
Sometimes we are hard headed.
Sometimes we just some of us arejust plain and simply stubborn,
you know, and we're bullheadedand pigheaded or whatever.
kind of head that you can thinkof.
And we just go against the grainjust to go against the grain.
Ain't no woman going to tell mewhat to do.
And so a lot of people taketheir past experiences, whether
(09:43):
you had someone who controlledyou, you're going to make sure
in your previous relationship,I'm not going to be controlled
again.
Or whether you had someone whoallows you to control.
And I think there are somewomen, I've heard women say, if
he lets me, I'm going to runover him.
I'm like, what?
What is that?
What is that?
That doesn't say a lot.
That doesn't speak a lot to whoyou are as a person.
(10:03):
If he lets me, I'm going to runover him.
I got it on the surface, but whowould want to be in that
situation?
in the first place, right?
So you think about it.
When someone's contentious,there are going to be many
things that are going to happenin her life or in his life.
A contentious person will blameyou.
They'll make you think that itis your fault.
They're going to blame you forthe poor marital relationship
(10:25):
that is a result of thecontentiousness.
She's never happy.
She's never satisfied.
She's miserable.
She don't want this.
And now she's going to blame youfor the way things are in that
relationship.
She's going to believe that shehas the right to be contentious
towards you because of acombined view, right?
That you're not good enough forher, that she's superior to you.
(10:47):
And I think that is at the core.
Subjectively, I think that thereare some people who really
believe that they are superiorto you and it shows.
And this is one of the reasonsthat trying to stop her from
being contentious will not work.
She cannot tolerate anycriticism.
Usually a contentious personcannot tolerate criticism.
(11:08):
So you get stuck in this cycle,in this blame game, in this
frustration.
Anything you do will never beenough.
And she's not going to changebased on your urgings.
That's why I'm a believer inprayer.
You know, you got to pray toGod.
Only God can change a person.
But a person has got to want tochange.
So don't try to persuade her tounderstand what she's doing to
(11:29):
you.
And the relationship, becauseshe's not going to get it.
She will not respect you.
He will not respect you.
You will be embarrassed andit'll feel like rotten.
Your bones are rotten.
And then they'll play thevictim.
And that's what happens when therelationship goes sour.
They will publicly play thevictim and nobody even knows
(11:49):
what you had to deal with.
And so this controlling natureseeks to prevent you from being
yourself.
And it seeks to prevent you frombeing from experiencing and
expressing your true emotions.
So realize that tonight.
Someone else's contentiousnessis inside of them.
(12:10):
And it's hard not to do that.
It's hard not to take that stuffon yourself.
It's hard not to take ownershipof it.
But remember, if this personasks you for an opinion, realize
they're not looking for you togive the answer immediately.
straight from your heart, thehonest answer.
They're looking to give theanswer that they want to hear.
And if you don't get the answerthat they want to hear, they're
going to whine.
They're going to complain.
(12:31):
They're going to act like thevictim.
They're going to shut down.
And they're going to use silencesometimes as a way to manipulate
and control.
In other words, to disengagesometimes is a method that is
commonly used to manipulate andcontrol.
There's an underlying sense thatshe really only cares about
herself.
And I think from a humanperspective, it makes loving her
(12:55):
feel as though it's not worththe effort.
And that's what makes it tough.
I am called to love you.
I'm supposed to love you, butthe effort of ciphering through
the moods and the emotions andthe feelings and the spectrum,
right?
The pendulum swings of emotions,highs and lows, and I don't know
(13:16):
who you are today and how todeal with you today.
And the root cause of all thiscontentiousness I believe is a
strong drive to conform to theworld.
And she or he wants what theywant.
And at the core of this isentitlement.
It's like the generation of kidswe have going on right now.
(13:36):
Entitlement and ingratitude gohand in hand.
When you realize that no one hasto do anything for you, you
don't have this sense ofentitlement.
When you realize that nobody isGod's gift to anyone, you don't
have this sense of entitlement.
But when your heart is filledwith gratitude, you're grateful
that someone even wants to loveyou and you try to do the best
(13:56):
to bring out the best in thatperson.
And that's an important thing toconsider, that inner drive to
bring out the best in thatperson.
So if you're here in this spaceand you're thinking about your
relationship or the dynamics ofbeing with a contentious person,
just realize that you marriedthis person.
(14:19):
You're dating this person.
This is in your control.
Speak truth to yourselves ratherthan falsehoods.
And then focus on fulfillingGod's purpose for your life.
Sometimes we We focus too muchon the other person or realize
that even when someone doesn'tlove you and doesn't treat you
well, you got to love yourself.
You got to keep yourself.
(14:42):
You got to take care of yourselfand you got to find personal
fulfillment in the things thatyou do and give the person
grace.
I think there are some peoplewho can change and grow from it.
And there's some people whowon't.
And I want to tell you to stoptrying to defend yourself.
It doesn't work.
Sometimes it You get frustratedby trying to prove how good and
worthy and lovely you are tothis person.
(15:02):
They don't want to hear it.
The people that really love youand want to be with you, they
know who you are.
They see who you are and they'llunderstand it.
You get your self-worth andrespect, I believe, from God and
your purpose from him, notanother person.
And so set the goal of being atpeace to the extent that you
can.
That's important.
And create a space for you tothrive and leave people to God
(15:26):
to deal with.
And I I think that's soimportant.
And I think it's a situationthat all of us can identify
with, whether personally orlooking at it, looking at
someone who we know who hasexperienced it.
I hope that you've enjoyedtoday's podcast.
I hope you share this podcast.
(15:48):
Tell somebody like, listen, yougot to check this out.
You got to subscribe to Once IKnew A Girl.
It's on Google Podcasts.
It's on iHeart.
It's on Apple Podcasts.
It's on Spotify.
Anywhere you can find them, it'sthere.
So I want to thank you guys forjoining.
Again, I'm working on puttingthese out more regularly till I
finish the entire concept.
(16:08):
And I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
And I hope you join in righthere next time on Once I Knew A
Girl.
Be blessed.
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