September 15, 2023 • 15 mins
You must be careful not to get caught up in the feeling of needing to be needed. Sometimes, a person can numb your pain by providing you with pleasure. Will that give the authentic satisfaction required to sustain the relationship long-term? Join in, and let's keep the conversation going.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello, welcome back to Once I Knew a Girl, a podcast
that explores how to navigatethe complexities of
relationships.
My name is Sam Bailey, yourhost, and I appreciate all my
returning listeners as well asnew listeners.
If you can, please subscribe tothis podcast wherever podcasts
are found, whether it be onGoogle Podcasts, iHeart Music,
(00:22):
Spotify, Pandora.com.
You can find it anywhere,Audible, Amazon Music.
So please subscribe.
It will be greatly appreciated.
To catch up on the episodesand...
How this podcast came about andwhere we want to go with it.
You can get that from the firstepisode, which is navigating the
complexities of relationships.
(00:43):
And again, this is a subjectivepodcast and from a male's
perspective, but we invite womeninto the conversation as well.
And I originally wanted to doonce I knew a girl as a young
man's guide to navigating thecomplexities.
But as I began to explore this,I saw that that it's so much
more to it than Today I want totalk about a girl whose pain is
(01:06):
your pleasure sexuality,everything sexual.
But pleasure comes in manyforms, that euphoria, that
dopamine, that high.
Some people get pleasure fromhitting golf balls.
Some people get pleasure frombaking cakes.
Some people get pleasure fromreading magazines.
(01:29):
We get pleasure from many, many,many different sources.
But sometimes there are peoplewho prey on the weaknesses of
others.
One thing that you learn as atherapist or as a minister, as a
coach or as a teacher, anyonewho has the position of
authority over someone is thatyou have to be able to be
(01:52):
trustworthy.
In other words, you see theweaknesses and the
vulnerabilities in others, butyou cannot exploit those things
just because you can.
And I never like people who takeadvantage of people just because
they can.
This is the thing that bothersme about pedophiles.
It's On the surface, it lookslike it's about some sexual act,
(02:13):
but it's really about the powerthat they have over that child
whom they should trust.
A child should never feel unsafearound an adult.
But unfortunately, that's justthe way it is.
They take advantage of the powerof the authority of the
situation like dictators or likepeople in our lives, many church
leaders or leaders of governmentsociety.
(02:36):
They take advantage of peoplewho come to them and they trust
them.
And that's not a good person andthat's not a good thing to do.
And so there are some people whoare drawn to broken people and
they're drawn to broken peoplebecause sometimes we like the
feeling of being able to feelThey need us.
It's not even that they want us.
(02:57):
They need us.
I've often said in relationshipsthat the person you're with is
not a completion piece, but acomplimentary piece.
That means you need to be ortrying to work on being a whole,
complete person yourself beforeyou join yourself to someone
else.
And when you do that withoutbeing a whole, complete person,
you tend to pour on and place somany real and unreal
(03:21):
expectations that might be Butthey're really unrealistic for
the other person on that person.
And it ends up being making fora rocky relationship.
And so we like feeding theinsecurities.
We pull them along and and welike the fact.
That this person has gonethrough a lot.
So we come in as a savior, asthe one who can rescue, as one
(03:43):
who's going to show a new way.
And we feed the insecuritiesthat need for that person to be
touched or to love or to held orto talk to.
And we feed it and we feed itand we feed it and we feed it.
But the question is, are youreally the answer to that man or
that woman's problems?
I mean, can you really...
Be the savior for them becausey'all be honest.
(04:03):
There's some people who got somethings going on and you have no
idea what the source of it is,how to help them, how to fix it.
I mean, you've got to do theresearch.
And again, You'd be surprisedhow many people enter into
relationships without doingtheir homework.
I mean, you have to study ananimal in its natural habitat to
(04:24):
know how it really operates, howit hunts, how it handles itself,
how it sleeps, what are itshabits, what are its sleeping
habits, how is it sociallywithin the family order and the
family structure.
And so sometimes we pick uppeople, these stray people, and
all of a sudden we're in love.
And all of a sudden we use andsometimes hurt people can afford
(04:48):
you a certain amount of pleasurebecause they don't really care
too much for themselves.
As long as you're giving themthat sense of belonging or
making them feel like they'reneeded and cared for, they will
do anything for you and you willtake advantage of that.
Listen, just because somebody'soffering you something doesn't
(05:09):
mean you should take it.
Every gift is not a good gift.
I personally don't like to be indebt to anyone.
In other words, hey, you owe mea favor.
I want to be able to do thingsbecause I want to do it, not
because, hey, I owe you a favor.
It's like the whole thing onChristmas.
Who do you buy Christmas giftsfor?
Those who have bought me aChristmas gift.
And so what you realize is thatshe needs you more than she
(05:31):
wants you.
I am someone who believes thatit ought to begin with want.
And maybe over time it growsdeeper into the need, but the
need should come out of a placeof reciprocity.
I need you.
You need me.
We need each other.
Right.
And it grows from just I and youto me and we.
(05:54):
And then it moves into us.
But to becoming one is a processas well.
And so there are people outthere who who want to get in a
relationship with you and theywant to keep you insecure and
they want to want you to thinkthat you are the only one that
they could ever be with.
And and that's a form ofmanipulation.
And I give you example isladies.
(06:15):
There might be a guy that he maynever tell you how beautiful you
are.
Never have to tell you how howawesome your shape is or how
well you can cook because hedidn't want you to start
believing in yourself because inhis own insecurity, he thinks
that if he compliments you, ifhe builds you up, if he lifts
you up, then you're going to beblown up in the head and you're
going to.
(06:35):
Go off on this.
I need to show every man this.
No, really, if you're the righttype of person anyway, it should
humble you and it should makeyou feel just grateful and
thankful that he's building up,building you up and that he's
encouraging you.
So a lot of times that personwill try to oppress you.
And he will try to oppress youfor, or she will, for the
(06:58):
purpose of keeping you in checkand keeping you in place.
Be careful about attachingyourself to needy people.
I mean, a needy person justneeding all of the time.
I need you to hold me.
I need you to call me.
I need you to do this, that, andfor the other.
And she's broken and she'shurting and you're almost like a
(07:24):
drug you know and she's anaddict to your attention she's
addicted to your affection she'saddicted to the potential of
what you could be she's addictedto how she feels when you're
around her you have become nowher pain killer you numb that
her life is not how she wants itto be you numb the fact that
(07:46):
there are things that shedoesn't want to deal with the
escape and so she knows that shehas to Keep you pleasured to a
certain degree to keep youaround.
So she pleasures out of pain,not out of love.
And again, let's go back to whatwe said at the beginning.
I'm not just talking about sexor anything physical.
(08:07):
The emotional pleasure, theemotional stimulation mentally,
she wants to bring you thesethings because she wants...
to keep you around.
She's afraid that if you realizehow needy she was, how insecure
she was, how unsure he was, ifthey realize this, then they may
(08:27):
not accept me the way I am.
They may decide to move on.
They may realize that I'm not asconfident as I appear to be.
So that's really important to dothat.
And let me say this.
Be careful about being withsomebody who needs you more than
you need them.
And I know there are a lot ofpeople say, I want to need the
(08:47):
person.
Do they need me?
And there are people who theperson can give or take, do
without them.
I could give, I could do withyou, I could do without you.
You're all emotionally investedinto someone.
You're all crying at night,staying up all night pondering,
trying to make them love you.
Oh, so I can't make you love me.
If you don't, I can't make yourheart do something.
(09:09):
It won't.
You can't make anybody love you.
And so sometimes that person youcould be.
Let's see.
A lot of us like to save people.
We like projects.
Ladies, some of y'all likeprojects.
I need to build a bear, build aguy, see if I can put them
together.
first of all you got to pickwhat type of bear you want then
you got to stuff him with thecotton and then you got to make
(09:32):
him yeah I want to make him Iwant him to be like this and
he's going to be my little Kendoll and I'm going to shape him
and form him and get him to doeverything that I want him to do
and make him feel good abouthimself tell him everything that
he wants to hear and then we getmarried or get in a deep
relationship and realize oh younever could really build a man
or build a woman you know theyhad to have some form of
(09:56):
identity.
You can't create an identity foranother person.
You can, but you're probably notgoing to get what it is that you
truly desire is anotherauthentic person who's with you
or wants to be with you forreasons, non-superficial.
So somebody saying that I'mlistening, you're telling me
this, that there's a possibilityI could be tied to someone who
(10:19):
has given me pleasure from aplace of pain.
What do I do?
Well, if you find yourself in asituation like this, where you
are already deeply attached andconnected, you have to let that
person down easy.
Because what I haven't told youis that type of person can go
from zero to 60, zero to 100real quick because you're a
(10:40):
painkiller and they're addicted.
And when somebody is withdrawingfrom painkillers or any kind of
addiction, it's hard to do.
Night sweats, fever, emotionalswings, all these different
types of things, outbursts ofanger, depression, all these
things go with with with tryingto deconstruct a person's mind
from what they have built up tobe something that is a dependent
(11:04):
for them.
And so, yeah, they may not bechemically, some may be
chemically, but reallyemotionally dependent, which is
just as dangerous as a drug thatanything that you can put in the
physical.
When I am emotionally,mentally...
attached to something or an ideait becomes difficult what you
have to do if you ever findyourself in a position make sure
(11:27):
you let that person down easyand I know there are some people
who are cruel just first of alldon't be a cruel person in life
period you know some of y'alldon't even know how to break up
just not call the person justnot give them a reason not an
explanation that's not a goodway to end things if you can
y'all try to always end therelationship good I know that's
(11:47):
not the case for everybodyespecially if you married to or
engaged to or dating anarcissist.
Sometimes the best thing to dois you just got to get out of
there.
There is no wrapping it up,tying the loose ends.
We understand all that.
But if you can let her downeasy, validate her pain,
validate, thank her, thank himfor the way that they feel and
(12:08):
acknowledge how they feel.
And, and, and, and, you know, ifit was flattering, tell them it
is flattering and I appreciateit, but it's, But love is not a
bandage to cover a wound.
You know, sometimes we thinkthat, oh, I need it.
You get one relationship.
Now I need another relationship.
Now I got to find something todo.
Now I need a boyfriend.
Now I need a girlfriend.
(12:28):
When do we ever just becomesatisfied with who we are?
I mean, why is it that wealways...
I feel like we have to behelping somebody else.
And I said this, I think, in thelast episode, I believe.
Ladies, y'all got to stopcoaching these men, you know.
And fellas, we got to stoptrying to make the woman be our
(12:49):
slaves and worship at the altarof our every command.
It's supposed to be apartnership.
And again, I said this before.
There's no way.
that you go into anyrelationship thinking it's going
to be 50-50.
That doesn't even exist.
I've never seen 50-50.
Matter of fact, sometimes itlooks like 90-10.
Other times it looks like 65-35.
(13:10):
Other times it looks like 70-30or 60-40.
And if you're going to getsomewhere near those numbers
where we're both trying to bringsome reciprocity, we're both
trying to bring our best to thetable, it's got to be somebody
who's trying to bring youpleasure as well, but not from a
place of pain.
I'm talking about pleasure froma place of peace, pleasure from
(13:32):
a place of purpose and a placeof joy and a place of love and a
place of deep connection andcommitment to something greater
than just some emotional outletor something greater than just I
just need you to coddle meemotionally till I get through
this time.
Yeah, that sounds cute for onenight stand.
(13:52):
That sounds cute for two orthree week fling.
But that's not something youwould want for long term
stability.
Not something that you want froma relationship that is supposed
to produce long term commitment,growth, stability and
satisfaction.
So consider all those thingsbefore you connect.
(14:13):
Is this pleasure you feel?
Is this connection born out of aplace of pain?
And if it is, you have toconsider and reconsider if this
is something or someone that youwant or need to be connected to
for your own growth and for yourown well-being.
Well, thank you all for joininganother episode today of Once I
(14:36):
Knew a Girl.
I hope you guys enjoyed.
our active participants insharing these podcasts.
And I just appreciate yoursupport and look forward to
seeing you right here next time.
Peace.
Hello, welcome back to Once I Knew a Girl, a podcast
that explores how to navigatethe complexities of
relationships.
My name is Sam Bailey, yourhost, and I appreciate all my
returning listeners as well asnew listeners.
If you can, please subscribe tothis podcast wherever podcasts
are found, whether it be onGoogle Podcasts, iHeart Music,
(00:22):
Spotify, Pandora.com.
You can find it anywhere,Audible, Amazon Music.
So please subscribe.
It will be greatly appreciated.
To catch up on the episodesand...
How this podcast came about andwhere we want to go with it.
You can get that from the firstepisode, which is navigating the
complexities of relationships.
(00:43):
And again, this is a subjectivepodcast and from a male's
perspective, but we invite womeninto the conversation as well.
And I originally wanted to doonce I knew a girl as a young
man's guide to navigating thecomplexities.
But as I began to explore this,I saw that that it's so much
more to it than Today I want totalk about a girl whose pain is
(01:06):
your pleasure sexuality,everything sexual.
But pleasure comes in manyforms, that euphoria, that
dopamine, that high.
Some people get pleasure fromhitting golf balls.
Some people get pleasure frombaking cakes.
Some people get pleasure fromreading magazines.
(01:29):
We get pleasure from many, many,many different sources.
But sometimes there are peoplewho prey on the weaknesses of
others.
One thing that you learn as atherapist or as a minister, as a
coach or as a teacher, anyonewho has the position of
authority over someone is thatyou have to be able to be
(01:52):
trustworthy.
In other words, you see theweaknesses and the
vulnerabilities in others, butyou cannot exploit those things
just because you can.
And I never like people who takeadvantage of people just because
they can.
This is the thing that bothersme about pedophiles.
It's On the surface, it lookslike it's about some sexual act,
(02:13):
but it's really about the powerthat they have over that child
whom they should trust.
A child should never feel unsafearound an adult.
But unfortunately, that's justthe way it is.
They take advantage of the powerof the authority of the
situation like dictators or likepeople in our lives, many church
leaders or leaders of governmentsociety.
(02:36):
They take advantage of peoplewho come to them and they trust
them.
And that's not a good person andthat's not a good thing to do.
And so there are some people whoare drawn to broken people and
they're drawn to broken peoplebecause sometimes we like the
feeling of being able to feelThey need us.
It's not even that they want us.
(02:57):
They need us.
I've often said in relationshipsthat the person you're with is
not a completion piece, but acomplimentary piece.
That means you need to be ortrying to work on being a whole,
complete person yourself beforeyou join yourself to someone
else.
And when you do that withoutbeing a whole, complete person,
you tend to pour on and place somany real and unreal
(03:21):
expectations that might be Butthey're really unrealistic for
the other person on that person.
And it ends up being making fora rocky relationship.
And so we like feeding theinsecurities.
We pull them along and and welike the fact.
That this person has gonethrough a lot.
So we come in as a savior, asthe one who can rescue, as one
(03:43):
who's going to show a new way.
And we feed the insecuritiesthat need for that person to be
touched or to love or to held orto talk to.
And we feed it and we feed itand we feed it and we feed it.
But the question is, are youreally the answer to that man or
that woman's problems?
I mean, can you really...
Be the savior for them becausey'all be honest.
(04:03):
There's some people who got somethings going on and you have no
idea what the source of it is,how to help them, how to fix it.
I mean, you've got to do theresearch.
And again, You'd be surprisedhow many people enter into
relationships without doingtheir homework.
I mean, you have to study ananimal in its natural habitat to
(04:24):
know how it really operates, howit hunts, how it handles itself,
how it sleeps, what are itshabits, what are its sleeping
habits, how is it sociallywithin the family order and the
family structure.
And so sometimes we pick uppeople, these stray people, and
all of a sudden we're in love.
And all of a sudden we use andsometimes hurt people can afford
(04:48):
you a certain amount of pleasurebecause they don't really care
too much for themselves.
As long as you're giving themthat sense of belonging or
making them feel like they'reneeded and cared for, they will
do anything for you and you willtake advantage of that.
Listen, just because somebody'soffering you something doesn't
(05:09):
mean you should take it.
Every gift is not a good gift.
I personally don't like to be indebt to anyone.
In other words, hey, you owe mea favor.
I want to be able to do thingsbecause I want to do it, not
because, hey, I owe you a favor.
It's like the whole thing onChristmas.
Who do you buy Christmas giftsfor?
Those who have bought me aChristmas gift.
And so what you realize is thatshe needs you more than she
(05:31):
wants you.
I am someone who believes thatit ought to begin with want.
And maybe over time it growsdeeper into the need, but the
need should come out of a placeof reciprocity.
I need you.
You need me.
We need each other.
Right.
And it grows from just I and youto me and we.
(05:54):
And then it moves into us.
But to becoming one is a processas well.
And so there are people outthere who who want to get in a
relationship with you and theywant to keep you insecure and
they want to want you to thinkthat you are the only one that
they could ever be with.
And and that's a form ofmanipulation.
And I give you example isladies.
(06:15):
There might be a guy that he maynever tell you how beautiful you
are.
Never have to tell you how howawesome your shape is or how
well you can cook because hedidn't want you to start
believing in yourself because inhis own insecurity, he thinks
that if he compliments you, ifhe builds you up, if he lifts
you up, then you're going to beblown up in the head and you're
going to.
(06:35):
Go off on this.
I need to show every man this.
No, really, if you're the righttype of person anyway, it should
humble you and it should makeyou feel just grateful and
thankful that he's building up,building you up and that he's
encouraging you.
So a lot of times that personwill try to oppress you.
And he will try to oppress youfor, or she will, for the
(06:58):
purpose of keeping you in checkand keeping you in place.
Be careful about attachingyourself to needy people.
I mean, a needy person justneeding all of the time.
I need you to hold me.
I need you to call me.
I need you to do this, that, andfor the other.
And she's broken and she'shurting and you're almost like a
(07:24):
drug you know and she's anaddict to your attention she's
addicted to your affection she'saddicted to the potential of
what you could be she's addictedto how she feels when you're
around her you have become nowher pain killer you numb that
her life is not how she wants itto be you numb the fact that
(07:46):
there are things that shedoesn't want to deal with the
escape and so she knows that shehas to Keep you pleasured to a
certain degree to keep youaround.
So she pleasures out of pain,not out of love.
And again, let's go back to whatwe said at the beginning.
I'm not just talking about sexor anything physical.
(08:07):
The emotional pleasure, theemotional stimulation mentally,
she wants to bring you thesethings because she wants...
to keep you around.
She's afraid that if you realizehow needy she was, how insecure
she was, how unsure he was, ifthey realize this, then they may
(08:27):
not accept me the way I am.
They may decide to move on.
They may realize that I'm not asconfident as I appear to be.
So that's really important to dothat.
And let me say this.
Be careful about being withsomebody who needs you more than
you need them.
And I know there are a lot ofpeople say, I want to need the
(08:47):
person.
Do they need me?
And there are people who theperson can give or take, do
without them.
I could give, I could do withyou, I could do without you.
You're all emotionally investedinto someone.
You're all crying at night,staying up all night pondering,
trying to make them love you.
Oh, so I can't make you love me.
If you don't, I can't make yourheart do something.
(09:09):
It won't.
You can't make anybody love you.
And so sometimes that person youcould be.
Let's see.
A lot of us like to save people.
We like projects.
Ladies, some of y'all likeprojects.
I need to build a bear, build aguy, see if I can put them
together.
first of all you got to pickwhat type of bear you want then
you got to stuff him with thecotton and then you got to make
(09:32):
him yeah I want to make him Iwant him to be like this and
he's going to be my little Kendoll and I'm going to shape him
and form him and get him to doeverything that I want him to do
and make him feel good abouthimself tell him everything that
he wants to hear and then we getmarried or get in a deep
relationship and realize oh younever could really build a man
or build a woman you know theyhad to have some form of
(09:56):
identity.
You can't create an identity foranother person.
You can, but you're probably notgoing to get what it is that you
truly desire is anotherauthentic person who's with you
or wants to be with you forreasons, non-superficial.
So somebody saying that I'mlistening, you're telling me
this, that there's a possibilityI could be tied to someone who
(10:19):
has given me pleasure from aplace of pain.
What do I do?
Well, if you find yourself in asituation like this, where you
are already deeply attached andconnected, you have to let that
person down easy.
Because what I haven't told youis that type of person can go
from zero to 60, zero to 100real quick because you're a
(10:40):
painkiller and they're addicted.
And when somebody is withdrawingfrom painkillers or any kind of
addiction, it's hard to do.
Night sweats, fever, emotionalswings, all these different
types of things, outbursts ofanger, depression, all these
things go with with with tryingto deconstruct a person's mind
from what they have built up tobe something that is a dependent
(11:04):
for them.
And so, yeah, they may not bechemically, some may be
chemically, but reallyemotionally dependent, which is
just as dangerous as a drug thatanything that you can put in the
physical.
When I am emotionally,mentally...
attached to something or an ideait becomes difficult what you
have to do if you ever findyourself in a position make sure
(11:27):
you let that person down easyand I know there are some people
who are cruel just first of alldon't be a cruel person in life
period you know some of y'alldon't even know how to break up
just not call the person justnot give them a reason not an
explanation that's not a goodway to end things if you can
y'all try to always end therelationship good I know that's
(11:47):
not the case for everybodyespecially if you married to or
engaged to or dating anarcissist.
Sometimes the best thing to dois you just got to get out of
there.
There is no wrapping it up,tying the loose ends.
We understand all that.
But if you can let her downeasy, validate her pain,
validate, thank her, thank himfor the way that they feel and
(12:08):
acknowledge how they feel.
And, and, and, and, you know, ifit was flattering, tell them it
is flattering and I appreciateit, but it's, But love is not a
bandage to cover a wound.
You know, sometimes we thinkthat, oh, I need it.
You get one relationship.
Now I need another relationship.
Now I got to find something todo.
Now I need a boyfriend.
Now I need a girlfriend.
(12:28):
When do we ever just becomesatisfied with who we are?
I mean, why is it that wealways...
I feel like we have to behelping somebody else.
And I said this, I think, in thelast episode, I believe.
Ladies, y'all got to stopcoaching these men, you know.
And fellas, we got to stoptrying to make the woman be our
(12:49):
slaves and worship at the altarof our every command.
It's supposed to be apartnership.
And again, I said this before.
There's no way.
that you go into anyrelationship thinking it's going
to be 50-50.
That doesn't even exist.
I've never seen 50-50.
Matter of fact, sometimes itlooks like 90-10.
Other times it looks like 65-35.
(13:10):
Other times it looks like 70-30or 60-40.
And if you're going to getsomewhere near those numbers
where we're both trying to bringsome reciprocity, we're both
trying to bring our best to thetable, it's got to be somebody
who's trying to bring youpleasure as well, but not from a
place of pain.
I'm talking about pleasure froma place of peace, pleasure from
(13:32):
a place of purpose and a placeof joy and a place of love and a
place of deep connection andcommitment to something greater
than just some emotional outletor something greater than just I
just need you to coddle meemotionally till I get through
this time.
Yeah, that sounds cute for onenight stand.
(13:52):
That sounds cute for two orthree week fling.
But that's not something youwould want for long term
stability.
Not something that you want froma relationship that is supposed
to produce long term commitment,growth, stability and
satisfaction.
So consider all those thingsbefore you connect.
(14:13):
Is this pleasure you feel?
Is this connection born out of aplace of pain?
And if it is, you have toconsider and reconsider if this
is something or someone that youwant or need to be connected to
for your own growth and for yourown well-being.
Well, thank you all for joininganother episode today of Once I
(14:36):
Knew a Girl.
I hope you guys enjoyed.
our active participants insharing these podcasts.
And I just appreciate yoursupport and look forward to
seeing you right here next time.
Peace.
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