June 9, 2023 • 21 mins
Relationships are difficult to navigate. Sam Bailey explains his motivation behind this podcast and upcoming book in this pilot episode. Whether you are dating someone or not, you can find a connection with the concepts discussed in this series. If you have a son or daughter who has begun dating, this is for them. The insights are from various sources and methods, including firsthand experience, secondhand accounts, books, music, movies, fiction and non-fiction pieces, general knowledge, and sound old-fashioned wisdom.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
Hey everybody, my name is Sam Bailey and I'm so
happy that you could join metoday for my first ever
individual podcast and it'scalled Once I Knew a Girl.
Now somebody's saying, once Iknew a girl, what is this and
why should I listen?
Why should I join?
Well, Once I Knew a Girl is aproject, part of a project that
(00:22):
I'm working on.
It's a book that I'm preparingand initially it was going to be
Once I Knew a Girl and A YoungMan's Guide to Navigating the
Complexities of RelationshipsAnd so Once I Knew a Girl is a
(01:01):
podcast series that kind ofintroduces the concepts that I'm
writing about in my book andhopefully it can open a
conversation and it can keep theconversation going.
So I'm glad that you joined intoday and I'm glad that you will
continue to join in.
And I hope that you willsubscribe.
This podcast will be on allmajor platforms, including Apple
(01:23):
Podcasts, Spotify.
It will be on Google.
It will be on TuneIn.
It will be on Pandora.
It was just wherever you listento your favorite podcasts.
Podcast, Amazon Music, Audible,whatever it is, you name it.
But I just hope you can join in,and I hope you guys can come
into the conversation and be apart of the conversation.
(01:44):
Two days ago, I launched apodcast with my partner, and
this is particularly in the areaof therapeutic works, mental
health, and it's called The Graywith Cam and Sam.
Yes, I know it's catchy, buteven more than being catchy,
it's educational, it'sinformative, it's funny.
(02:04):
But it's also designed and aimedat mental health.
So if you can, please subscribeto that podcast.
Check those out as well.
There are already two episodesout on that and just excited
about being able to put backinto the world and share with
you all many of the things thatI've gone through and
experienced.
Today, I just want to give youan overview of what this podcast
(02:25):
is going to be and how I came tokind of in an introductory way.
How I came to this idea of OnceI Knew a Girl.
Now, Once I Knew a Girl iswritten, will be written in such
a way where there will be somefirsthand knowledge, secondhand
reference points where I'veheard things that other people
(02:45):
spoke of or witnessed it myself.
Some of it could be kind ofbased off fictional ideas I
heard and others could be off offact.
But the whole point is to Bringsome material that encompasses
what it means to have yourexperiences.
Once I knew a girl, I wassitting there in a Starbucks in
Mansfield, Texas, listening toJohn Coltrane, and I began to
(03:08):
think about some things.
And I was thinking that many ofthe young men that I know, or
many men, period, have no ideaof how the women that come into
their lives will impact them.
So I thought of the bookinitially to be some sort of
rites of passage, but I realizedthe complexities of women are so
(03:32):
well documented that you canfind it everywhere.
How to be a woman, magazines,retreats, conferences.
And so there are many writings,but I thought about for like a
young man, like who's going tomarry my daughters?
Who's going to be that rock orthat knight in shining armor for
them?
(03:52):
And that's a hard thing.
You know, as most behavioralpsychologists, I tend to think
that we are mainly products ofour environment.
And that's why I chose to gointo the mental health field.
And in my preparation andtherapy, I've learned that that
either by experience or throughexperience or environment, we
become who we are.
I think we can choose to becomebetter or worse based upon our
(04:17):
drive and our motivation.
But for the most part, originshave a big role.
impact on who we become.
So I thought about my dad.
He passed three years ago.
He was a hardworking, noexcuses, family type of guy and
family was everything.
He taught me to respect my mom,treat my sisters like a lady.
I tried to always treat women astreasures to be valued, not
(04:38):
objects to be mastered.
But with that being said,there's so much that my dad did
not teach me, so much I had tolearn, so much that I would read
about, so much that I wouldwitness.
And to be honest, there aretimes I felt kind of cheated.
And to think about it, I came tothe realization that you can't
teach someone else somethingthat you don't know.
And how can you tell if someonehas ever, how can you tell
(05:00):
somebody else what somebody hasnever told you?
So I think most men can identifywith this today that it safe to
assume that our fathers and ourgrandfathers came up in very
different times, right?
A man was considered good if hewent to work, came home, spent a
little time with his kids, andthen went to church on Sunday.
So many old school women neverexpected much more of their
husbands than that, right?
Anything beyond that wasconsidered a bonus.
(05:24):
So that's okay for the timeframethey're in.
But the only problem with thatis that just because the women
in their lives did not alwaysknow that their man could or did
not always expect their men toverbalize their issues, that
doesn't mean they weren'tpresent.
So most of the teaching that'spassed down, I believe, from
father to son as it relates torelationships was more reactive
(05:45):
than proactive.
So after it happens, we talk tothem.
Or we believe that we need tolet the other sex learn for
themselves or the other personin the relationship, right?
So I think this is a gravemistake.
So for me, as a father of twobeautiful girls...
I realize more now than ever howI shape the view of what men are
and what they ought to be.
(06:05):
So I've already begun to teachthem about the qualities you
ought to be looking for whenchoosing a lifelong mate.
I believe they watch how I treatmy wife, but more importantly,
how I treat them.
One of the things that alsospurred on this idea about Once
I Knew a Girl was was one of myall-time favorite songs.
I think it was in the early2000s, won many Grammys, was by
(06:27):
an artist named John Mayer.
And yeah, it came out in 2004.
And at that time, I was not in aplace where I could get it
practically.
I understood it.
conceptually, but I couldn't getit practically.
So besides the hauntinglyexceptional acoustic chords by
Mayer and his unique voice,right?
(06:48):
It's the lyrics that I've alwaysfound myself going back to.
And in those lyrics, As a fatheror as a lover, I've been able to
find clarity in consciousness.
And the lyrics say, I know agirl.
Or he said, I know a girl.
I'll have you sing it right.
She puts the color inside myworld, but she's just like a
maze where all of the walls allcontinually change.
(07:09):
And I've done all I can to standon the steps with my heart in my
hand.
Now I'm just starting to seethat it has nothing to do with
me.
Then the chorus says, fathers,be good to your daughters.
Daughters will love like you do.
Girl's become lovers who turninto mothers so mothers be good
to your daughters too then hesays oh you see that skin it's
(07:31):
the same she's been standing insince the day she saw him
walking away now she's leftcleaning up the mess he made so
fathers be good to yourdaughters daughters will love
like you do girls become loverswho turn into mothers so mothers
be good to your daughters too Ihear you.
Don't we all hear him loud andclear?
There's a reason she's that way.
(07:52):
She's grown older, but maybe shenever grew up.
Perhaps along the way, she had adistorted view of men.
Perhaps she's afraid to fall inlove with you because like her
father, she thinks that you'regoing to leave her as well.
Well, whatever the case may be,this is an unfortunate narrative
that I think many of our womenare facing today.
So I think the inspiration forthis book draws from many
(08:14):
whales.
I think the insights that willbe shared will be from various
sources, methods, first-handexperience, like I said,
second-hand accounts, books,movies, general knowledge, and
then I think just wisdom.
In ministry, people ask me, howcan I know how certain mindsets
(08:36):
and behaviors and situations,how can I know about them?
How can you speak about them,talk about them, address them?
than when you never have beeninvolved with them personally.
But I believe that insight issomething, wisdom,
understanding, a broader...
My spiritual beliefs come fromGod.
But then if you just open youreyes, pay attention, listen, you
(08:57):
can learn a lot.
I've learned a lot about humannature and human interaction in
therapy, but I also learned alot in ministry.
I learned a lot in coaching as acoach.
I learned a lot when I was inclassroom teaching.
I learned a lot as a husband, asa son, as a father.
So you take all thoseexperiences, you put it
together, and then you createyour own understanding based
upon what you've been through.
(09:19):
So...
This is a concept in which I amhoping that young and old alike
can relate to.
And that's what it's about.
Young and old can digest theseinsights.
So maybe you're a parent or ateacher or a coach or you want
(09:39):
to have discussions with someonewho you are engaged with.
It's okay to have standards,right?
That's what we're talking about.
What are the standards?
It's okay to walk away whensomeone's toxic behavior is
poisoning you.
These chapters are outlined insuch a way where once I knew a
(09:59):
girl that was...
Now, I know ladies, somebody'ssaying, once I knew a man, well,
this is not what the title is.
I'm just speaking from a malepoint of view or a male's
perspective.
And that's all really that weknow how to do.
So it's an objective...
objective attempt from apersonal perspective, right?
So it's okay to understand that.
(10:20):
So for instance, one of thechapters is if you've ever met a
young lady that seemed tooperfect, once I knew a young
lady that was too perfect and,or at least that's what she
thinks, right?
I want to see you in allseasons.
I want to see you frustrated.
I want to see you after loss.
I want to see you when you'remad.
I don't want to be with someonewho thinks she's better than me
(10:40):
or miss goody two shoes, right?
It may do it as well.
Also, I'm not going to talkabout how she can have you
believe that she's not likeother girls, right?
Because that's a big sellingpoint for many, that I'm
different from everybody.
Hey, how are you different fromall the other men that she meets
(11:02):
in her life?
So, you know, the girl that's alittle bit too perfect, or you
think she's perfect, she willgive you normalcy, right?
Then, What you end up with isboredom and resentment.
Or what about the young lady whohas you head over heels in love
with her until you realize thatthe relationship just consisted
(11:25):
of her talking about doingthings that mattered more to her
than to you.
So she loved you, but not asmuch as she loved herself.
So there might come a time inthe dating experience when you
realize that you're being playedor being used.
And you realize that the personwho tries to play the game
sometimes gets played by thegame.
(11:46):
And I think that's important torecognize as well on the
journey.
Then we'll talk about the rightgirl at the wrong time.
Sometimes you just meet theright person, but it's the wrong
time.
And that can be a haunting thingthat you're the person that I
was looking for, but maybe I metyou too early.
And sometimes you don't know youmet a person too early until
time goes on, right?
(12:06):
Because time is undefeated, buttime's a tricky thing.
And in life, we have to continueto live, right?
And so we don't see the biggerpicture sometimes or see the
picture until we look back andreflect because life is meant to
be lived forward and understoodbackwards.
So you can have the right girlat the wrong time.
And then in this book, I'm goingto talk about a woman whose pain
(12:27):
is your pleasure.
In other words, she's sufferingemotionally and going through
things.
And if you're not wise, ifyou're not smart, if you're not
secure in yourself, you willcapitalize or attempt to
capitalize in those moments foryour pleasure, but that's going
to backfire on you, right?
Because love is not a bandage tocover a wound.
So we're going to address that.
Now, a woman who is hidingsomething, oh man, that's a
(12:51):
tough one.
Or a man or anyone you want togo into a relationship with
that's hiding something, that'stough because you can't trust
them.
And one of the things that'snecessary in beginning a
relationship is transparency.
You've got to be transparent upfront and show them who you are.
And there's nothing that can bemore frustrating and detrimental
(13:15):
to the growth of a relationshipthan having somebody just
continue to peel back theseunexpected layers.
I'm not talking about growth.
We're all going to grow andchange along the way.
And we've got to continue tomove in step with our partners.
But to be concealingsomething...
Purposely and knowingly is not agood thing.
Infatuation.
Wow.
Somebody thinks that they're inlove with you, but they're just
(13:37):
infatuated.
That's a tough place to be in.
And then you have the one thatgot away.
Many of us have the one who gotaway.
They were right there in ourgrasp.
We had them, we thought.
We spent time.
We had a one-up on anybody else.
And just something happened inlife.
And they just got away.
And you don't know whathappened, what went wrong.
(13:57):
It was just a conversation.
It was over something silly.
They should have been the oneand they got away.
And then there are some peoplethat come into our lives that
change their lives because theycame in contact with us.
And that's a beautiful thing,right?
Their lives changed because wechanged them, because maybe we
were at a place in our liveswhere we were being the type of
(14:20):
person that someone couldconsider being with.
So I think that's important.
And then in this book, the firstchapter is going to be about
Summer.
And This was really anotherinspiration for my book.
Now, all my fellas always messwith me and my family because I
(14:42):
like chick flicks.
You know, I like all kind ofmovies, but I've always been
into the rom-com.
You know, You Got Mail, BrownSugar, Doesn't Matter, Loving
Basketball, you know, Harry MetSally, that type of thing.
And I like it.
And I like them when they don'tend well, when the boy doesn't
get the girl or when somethingfalls out.
My Best Friend's Wedding, youhave to...
(15:05):
Keep somebody you love in thefriend zone or in brown sugar.
When did you fall in love withhip-hop?
Sidney, I've always been in lovewith you.
I love these lines, and Iprobably can tell you a lot of
them from many movies.
But summer, in 500 Days ofSummer, it really...
(15:26):
Just gives the picture of awoman that I think so many
people can identify with.
So for most children, thinkabout this.
Metaphorically speaking, summeris the best time of the year.
The weather's nice.
It's warm.
So it allows children to spend alot of time outside playing with
their friends, being active.
Right.
(15:48):
Like many of you, you got greatchildhood memories.
You know, summer's a time whenyou feel freed, a time to relax,
explore all your wildest dreams.
But what I'm writing about is adifferent kind of summer.
So in 2009, I came across thismovie entitled 500 Days of
Summer.
Now, Tom, played by JosephGordon-Levitt, was a greeting
(16:09):
card writer.
And in this movie, he was ahopeless romantic.
And he's completely caught offguard when his girlfriend,
Summer, Dashanel, Summer, whichis played by Zooey Dashanel,
suddenly dumps him, right?
And so he reflects on his 500days with her and their 500 days
(16:30):
together.
He continues to try to figureout whether love went sour.
So Summer embodies the conceptof how where you came from can
dramatically influence thesituation that you're currently
dealing with.
Summer came out of a brokenhome.
She had issues connecting withpeople on a different level.
So To her, the ideal ofauthentic, healthy relationships
(16:51):
was just a foreign concept thatonly a few select got to
experience in their lives.
the probability of you meetingand even dating a summer in your
life is high.
And so the way you can identifya summer is that she comes into
your life by the level ofdetachment.
And she has a detachment fromdeeper aspects of what it means
to be in a relationship.
(17:11):
You'll have conversations aboutmatters of the heart.
She will pull you away becauseshe doesn't want to have to face
the fact that she has issuesthat will not allow her to fall
too hard for anyone, so she's inthis push-pull cycle.
But the danger of summer is,just like June, right?
You know, after coming out ofthe spring, the rainy season,
(17:32):
inconsistencies of the weather,she gives you a sense of change,
freedom.
and anticipation that warmth isahead and excitement is ahead,
right?
But you have no idea.
You know, I'm in Texas.
Dallas area is heating up.
I saw 100 degree temperatures onthe news for next week, right?
Third degree burns are headingyour way.
So how do you identify a womanlike Summers?
(17:53):
Well, out of all the girls inthis book, she is among the most
difficult to identify.
At first, you'll be surprisedthat someone of her caliber is
so easy to talk to.
You may even ask yourself, whyis she still single?
So she's going to begin bymaking you think that she's
blown away by who you are.
She'll seem to be interested inall the things about you.
(18:14):
She is fascinated by yourconversation, your hobbies, even
your appearance.
So she's going to comment onyour looks, but not in an
inappropriate way.
But what makes you let down yourguard with Summer is that she
has you believing that you'venever met a girl like her.
And then you convince yourselfof the same thing.
So no matter how much of agentleman you are, How great the
(18:35):
conversation is.
She has created a philosophy,her own philosophy, about love
and relationships that will notallow her to move beyond the
surface to the core.
So in this movie, 500 Days ofSummer, Tom found himself
continually baffled because hehad imagined, right, as a
hopeless romantic just like meand many of you out there
listening, that when he met thegirl of his dreams, they would
(18:57):
connect just like he and Summerhad.
Everything on the checklist shepossessed.
Everything that he ever neededin a woman, he believed that
Summer exemplified it.
So one of the traits that youwill find in Summer is that she
rarely, if at all, uses label.
Every time you ask her about therelationship status, she says
(19:18):
things like, I don't believe inlabels or I don't want a label
to ruin what we have.
So don't allow yourself to befooled by this.
She has no interest whatsoever.
Or capability to go any furtherthan you're willing to go.
She accepts the attention thatyou give her while at the same
time rejecting your invitationinto a new dimension of love.
(19:40):
So overall, you'll find thatSummer's great at putting up
external facades to get theattention of people.
And that's just an example ofthe type of things we're going
to talk about.
That's just an example.
And summer is, you know, in themovie, we know that after
(20:01):
summer, autumn came.
And that's a whole other thing,right?
We live, we love, we lose, wecontinue to fight another day,
and we go on.
But all of us have summers inour lives, and all of us, every
summer, somebody said, we'llhave something autumn about it.
So...
You're on this journey with menow.
You've got to subscribe.
(20:22):
That's just a glimpse.
That's just a preview of some ofthe things we're going to talk
about with Once I Knew a Girl, aguide to navigating the
complexities of relationships.
I hope to create avenues wherewe can open up the dialogue and
the discussion.
I hope you guys can be a part ofthis.
And to all of my friends who arelistening, just don't listen and
(20:42):
just turn it off.
Share it with somebody else.
If you are...
Someone who loves the idea oflove, loves the idea of unity,
harmony, relationship, romance.
This is the podcast for you.
And again, I'm in the works ofworking on the book.
So hopefully we can build up agood support, good audience for
(21:05):
that and continue this podcastin many areas.
Again, thank you for joining.
Please subscribe.
And we'll see you next timeright here on Once I Knew a
Girl.
Hey everybody, my name is Sam Bailey and I'm so
happy that you could join metoday for my first ever
individual podcast and it'scalled Once I Knew a Girl.
Now somebody's saying, once Iknew a girl, what is this and
why should I listen?
Why should I join?
Well, Once I Knew a Girl is aproject, part of a project that
(00:22):
I'm working on.
It's a book that I'm preparingand initially it was going to be
Once I Knew a Girl and A YoungMan's Guide to Navigating the
Complexities of RelationshipsAnd so Once I Knew a Girl is a
(01:01):
podcast series that kind ofintroduces the concepts that I'm
writing about in my book andhopefully it can open a
conversation and it can keep theconversation going.
So I'm glad that you joined intoday and I'm glad that you will
continue to join in.
And I hope that you willsubscribe.
This podcast will be on allmajor platforms, including Apple
(01:23):
Podcasts, Spotify.
It will be on Google.
It will be on TuneIn.
It will be on Pandora.
It was just wherever you listento your favorite podcasts.
Podcast, Amazon Music, Audible,whatever it is, you name it.
But I just hope you can join in,and I hope you guys can come
into the conversation and be apart of the conversation.
(01:44):
Two days ago, I launched apodcast with my partner, and
this is particularly in the areaof therapeutic works, mental
health, and it's called The Graywith Cam and Sam.
Yes, I know it's catchy, buteven more than being catchy,
it's educational, it'sinformative, it's funny.
(02:04):
But it's also designed and aimedat mental health.
So if you can, please subscribeto that podcast.
Check those out as well.
There are already two episodesout on that and just excited
about being able to put backinto the world and share with
you all many of the things thatI've gone through and
experienced.
Today, I just want to give youan overview of what this podcast
(02:25):
is going to be and how I came tokind of in an introductory way.
How I came to this idea of OnceI Knew a Girl.
Now, Once I Knew a Girl iswritten, will be written in such
a way where there will be somefirsthand knowledge, secondhand
reference points where I'veheard things that other people
(02:45):
spoke of or witnessed it myself.
Some of it could be kind ofbased off fictional ideas I
heard and others could be off offact.
But the whole point is to Bringsome material that encompasses
what it means to have yourexperiences.
Once I knew a girl, I wassitting there in a Starbucks in
Mansfield, Texas, listening toJohn Coltrane, and I began to
(03:08):
think about some things.
And I was thinking that many ofthe young men that I know, or
many men, period, have no ideaof how the women that come into
their lives will impact them.
So I thought of the bookinitially to be some sort of
rites of passage, but I realizedthe complexities of women are so
(03:32):
well documented that you canfind it everywhere.
How to be a woman, magazines,retreats, conferences.
And so there are many writings,but I thought about for like a
young man, like who's going tomarry my daughters?
Who's going to be that rock orthat knight in shining armor for
them?
(03:52):
And that's a hard thing.
You know, as most behavioralpsychologists, I tend to think
that we are mainly products ofour environment.
And that's why I chose to gointo the mental health field.
And in my preparation andtherapy, I've learned that that
either by experience or throughexperience or environment, we
become who we are.
I think we can choose to becomebetter or worse based upon our
(04:17):
drive and our motivation.
But for the most part, originshave a big role.
impact on who we become.
So I thought about my dad.
He passed three years ago.
He was a hardworking, noexcuses, family type of guy and
family was everything.
He taught me to respect my mom,treat my sisters like a lady.
I tried to always treat women astreasures to be valued, not
(04:38):
objects to be mastered.
But with that being said,there's so much that my dad did
not teach me, so much I had tolearn, so much that I would read
about, so much that I wouldwitness.
And to be honest, there aretimes I felt kind of cheated.
And to think about it, I came tothe realization that you can't
teach someone else somethingthat you don't know.
And how can you tell if someonehas ever, how can you tell
(05:00):
somebody else what somebody hasnever told you?
So I think most men can identifywith this today that it safe to
assume that our fathers and ourgrandfathers came up in very
different times, right?
A man was considered good if hewent to work, came home, spent a
little time with his kids, andthen went to church on Sunday.
So many old school women neverexpected much more of their
husbands than that, right?
Anything beyond that wasconsidered a bonus.
(05:24):
So that's okay for the timeframethey're in.
But the only problem with thatis that just because the women
in their lives did not alwaysknow that their man could or did
not always expect their men toverbalize their issues, that
doesn't mean they weren'tpresent.
So most of the teaching that'spassed down, I believe, from
father to son as it relates torelationships was more reactive
(05:45):
than proactive.
So after it happens, we talk tothem.
Or we believe that we need tolet the other sex learn for
themselves or the other personin the relationship, right?
So I think this is a gravemistake.
So for me, as a father of twobeautiful girls...
I realize more now than ever howI shape the view of what men are
and what they ought to be.
(06:05):
So I've already begun to teachthem about the qualities you
ought to be looking for whenchoosing a lifelong mate.
I believe they watch how I treatmy wife, but more importantly,
how I treat them.
One of the things that alsospurred on this idea about Once
I Knew a Girl was was one of myall-time favorite songs.
I think it was in the early2000s, won many Grammys, was by
(06:27):
an artist named John Mayer.
And yeah, it came out in 2004.
And at that time, I was not in aplace where I could get it
practically.
I understood it.
conceptually, but I couldn't getit practically.
So besides the hauntinglyexceptional acoustic chords by
Mayer and his unique voice,right?
(06:48):
It's the lyrics that I've alwaysfound myself going back to.
And in those lyrics, As a fatheror as a lover, I've been able to
find clarity in consciousness.
And the lyrics say, I know agirl.
Or he said, I know a girl.
I'll have you sing it right.
She puts the color inside myworld, but she's just like a
maze where all of the walls allcontinually change.
(07:09):
And I've done all I can to standon the steps with my heart in my
hand.
Now I'm just starting to seethat it has nothing to do with
me.
Then the chorus says, fathers,be good to your daughters.
Daughters will love like you do.
Girl's become lovers who turninto mothers so mothers be good
to your daughters too then hesays oh you see that skin it's
(07:31):
the same she's been standing insince the day she saw him
walking away now she's leftcleaning up the mess he made so
fathers be good to yourdaughters daughters will love
like you do girls become loverswho turn into mothers so mothers
be good to your daughters too Ihear you.
Don't we all hear him loud andclear?
There's a reason she's that way.
(07:52):
She's grown older, but maybe shenever grew up.
Perhaps along the way, she had adistorted view of men.
Perhaps she's afraid to fall inlove with you because like her
father, she thinks that you'regoing to leave her as well.
Well, whatever the case may be,this is an unfortunate narrative
that I think many of our womenare facing today.
So I think the inspiration forthis book draws from many
(08:14):
whales.
I think the insights that willbe shared will be from various
sources, methods, first-handexperience, like I said,
second-hand accounts, books,movies, general knowledge, and
then I think just wisdom.
In ministry, people ask me, howcan I know how certain mindsets
(08:36):
and behaviors and situations,how can I know about them?
How can you speak about them,talk about them, address them?
than when you never have beeninvolved with them personally.
But I believe that insight issomething, wisdom,
understanding, a broader...
My spiritual beliefs come fromGod.
But then if you just open youreyes, pay attention, listen, you
(08:57):
can learn a lot.
I've learned a lot about humannature and human interaction in
therapy, but I also learned alot in ministry.
I learned a lot in coaching as acoach.
I learned a lot when I was inclassroom teaching.
I learned a lot as a husband, asa son, as a father.
So you take all thoseexperiences, you put it
together, and then you createyour own understanding based
upon what you've been through.
(09:19):
So...
This is a concept in which I amhoping that young and old alike
can relate to.
And that's what it's about.
Young and old can digest theseinsights.
So maybe you're a parent or ateacher or a coach or you want
(09:39):
to have discussions with someonewho you are engaged with.
It's okay to have standards,right?
That's what we're talking about.
What are the standards?
It's okay to walk away whensomeone's toxic behavior is
poisoning you.
These chapters are outlined insuch a way where once I knew a
(09:59):
girl that was...
Now, I know ladies, somebody'ssaying, once I knew a man, well,
this is not what the title is.
I'm just speaking from a malepoint of view or a male's
perspective.
And that's all really that weknow how to do.
So it's an objective...
objective attempt from apersonal perspective, right?
So it's okay to understand that.
(10:20):
So for instance, one of thechapters is if you've ever met a
young lady that seemed tooperfect, once I knew a young
lady that was too perfect and,or at least that's what she
thinks, right?
I want to see you in allseasons.
I want to see you frustrated.
I want to see you after loss.
I want to see you when you'remad.
I don't want to be with someonewho thinks she's better than me
(10:40):
or miss goody two shoes, right?
It may do it as well.
Also, I'm not going to talkabout how she can have you
believe that she's not likeother girls, right?
Because that's a big sellingpoint for many, that I'm
different from everybody.
Hey, how are you different fromall the other men that she meets
(11:02):
in her life?
So, you know, the girl that's alittle bit too perfect, or you
think she's perfect, she willgive you normalcy, right?
Then, What you end up with isboredom and resentment.
Or what about the young lady whohas you head over heels in love
with her until you realize thatthe relationship just consisted
(11:25):
of her talking about doingthings that mattered more to her
than to you.
So she loved you, but not asmuch as she loved herself.
So there might come a time inthe dating experience when you
realize that you're being playedor being used.
And you realize that the personwho tries to play the game
sometimes gets played by thegame.
(11:46):
And I think that's important torecognize as well on the
journey.
Then we'll talk about the rightgirl at the wrong time.
Sometimes you just meet theright person, but it's the wrong
time.
And that can be a haunting thingthat you're the person that I
was looking for, but maybe I metyou too early.
And sometimes you don't know youmet a person too early until
time goes on, right?
(12:06):
Because time is undefeated, buttime's a tricky thing.
And in life, we have to continueto live, right?
And so we don't see the biggerpicture sometimes or see the
picture until we look back andreflect because life is meant to
be lived forward and understoodbackwards.
So you can have the right girlat the wrong time.
And then in this book, I'm goingto talk about a woman whose pain
(12:27):
is your pleasure.
In other words, she's sufferingemotionally and going through
things.
And if you're not wise, ifyou're not smart, if you're not
secure in yourself, you willcapitalize or attempt to
capitalize in those moments foryour pleasure, but that's going
to backfire on you, right?
Because love is not a bandage tocover a wound.
So we're going to address that.
Now, a woman who is hidingsomething, oh man, that's a
(12:51):
tough one.
Or a man or anyone you want togo into a relationship with
that's hiding something, that'stough because you can't trust
them.
And one of the things that'snecessary in beginning a
relationship is transparency.
You've got to be transparent upfront and show them who you are.
And there's nothing that can bemore frustrating and detrimental
(13:15):
to the growth of a relationshipthan having somebody just
continue to peel back theseunexpected layers.
I'm not talking about growth.
We're all going to grow andchange along the way.
And we've got to continue tomove in step with our partners.
But to be concealingsomething...
Purposely and knowingly is not agood thing.
Infatuation.
Wow.
Somebody thinks that they're inlove with you, but they're just
(13:37):
infatuated.
That's a tough place to be in.
And then you have the one thatgot away.
Many of us have the one who gotaway.
They were right there in ourgrasp.
We had them, we thought.
We spent time.
We had a one-up on anybody else.
And just something happened inlife.
And they just got away.
And you don't know whathappened, what went wrong.
(13:57):
It was just a conversation.
It was over something silly.
They should have been the oneand they got away.
And then there are some peoplethat come into our lives that
change their lives because theycame in contact with us.
And that's a beautiful thing,right?
Their lives changed because wechanged them, because maybe we
were at a place in our liveswhere we were being the type of
(14:20):
person that someone couldconsider being with.
So I think that's important.
And then in this book, the firstchapter is going to be about
Summer.
And This was really anotherinspiration for my book.
Now, all my fellas always messwith me and my family because I
(14:42):
like chick flicks.
You know, I like all kind ofmovies, but I've always been
into the rom-com.
You know, You Got Mail, BrownSugar, Doesn't Matter, Loving
Basketball, you know, Harry MetSally, that type of thing.
And I like it.
And I like them when they don'tend well, when the boy doesn't
get the girl or when somethingfalls out.
My Best Friend's Wedding, youhave to...
(15:05):
Keep somebody you love in thefriend zone or in brown sugar.
When did you fall in love withhip-hop?
Sidney, I've always been in lovewith you.
I love these lines, and Iprobably can tell you a lot of
them from many movies.
But summer, in 500 Days ofSummer, it really...
(15:26):
Just gives the picture of awoman that I think so many
people can identify with.
So for most children, thinkabout this.
Metaphorically speaking, summeris the best time of the year.
The weather's nice.
It's warm.
So it allows children to spend alot of time outside playing with
their friends, being active.
Right.
(15:48):
Like many of you, you got greatchildhood memories.
You know, summer's a time whenyou feel freed, a time to relax,
explore all your wildest dreams.
But what I'm writing about is adifferent kind of summer.
So in 2009, I came across thismovie entitled 500 Days of
Summer.
Now, Tom, played by JosephGordon-Levitt, was a greeting
(16:09):
card writer.
And in this movie, he was ahopeless romantic.
And he's completely caught offguard when his girlfriend,
Summer, Dashanel, Summer, whichis played by Zooey Dashanel,
suddenly dumps him, right?
And so he reflects on his 500days with her and their 500 days
(16:30):
together.
He continues to try to figureout whether love went sour.
So Summer embodies the conceptof how where you came from can
dramatically influence thesituation that you're currently
dealing with.
Summer came out of a brokenhome.
She had issues connecting withpeople on a different level.
So To her, the ideal ofauthentic, healthy relationships
(16:51):
was just a foreign concept thatonly a few select got to
experience in their lives.
the probability of you meetingand even dating a summer in your
life is high.
And so the way you can identifya summer is that she comes into
your life by the level ofdetachment.
And she has a detachment fromdeeper aspects of what it means
to be in a relationship.
(17:11):
You'll have conversations aboutmatters of the heart.
She will pull you away becauseshe doesn't want to have to face
the fact that she has issuesthat will not allow her to fall
too hard for anyone, so she's inthis push-pull cycle.
But the danger of summer is,just like June, right?
You know, after coming out ofthe spring, the rainy season,
(17:32):
inconsistencies of the weather,she gives you a sense of change,
freedom.
and anticipation that warmth isahead and excitement is ahead,
right?
But you have no idea.
You know, I'm in Texas.
Dallas area is heating up.
I saw 100 degree temperatures onthe news for next week, right?
Third degree burns are headingyour way.
So how do you identify a womanlike Summers?
(17:53):
Well, out of all the girls inthis book, she is among the most
difficult to identify.
At first, you'll be surprisedthat someone of her caliber is
so easy to talk to.
You may even ask yourself, whyis she still single?
So she's going to begin bymaking you think that she's
blown away by who you are.
She'll seem to be interested inall the things about you.
(18:14):
She is fascinated by yourconversation, your hobbies, even
your appearance.
So she's going to comment onyour looks, but not in an
inappropriate way.
But what makes you let down yourguard with Summer is that she
has you believing that you'venever met a girl like her.
And then you convince yourselfof the same thing.
So no matter how much of agentleman you are, How great the
(18:35):
conversation is.
She has created a philosophy,her own philosophy, about love
and relationships that will notallow her to move beyond the
surface to the core.
So in this movie, 500 Days ofSummer, Tom found himself
continually baffled because hehad imagined, right, as a
hopeless romantic just like meand many of you out there
listening, that when he met thegirl of his dreams, they would
(18:57):
connect just like he and Summerhad.
Everything on the checklist shepossessed.
Everything that he ever neededin a woman, he believed that
Summer exemplified it.
So one of the traits that youwill find in Summer is that she
rarely, if at all, uses label.
Every time you ask her about therelationship status, she says
(19:18):
things like, I don't believe inlabels or I don't want a label
to ruin what we have.
So don't allow yourself to befooled by this.
She has no interest whatsoever.
Or capability to go any furtherthan you're willing to go.
She accepts the attention thatyou give her while at the same
time rejecting your invitationinto a new dimension of love.
(19:40):
So overall, you'll find thatSummer's great at putting up
external facades to get theattention of people.
And that's just an example ofthe type of things we're going
to talk about.
That's just an example.
And summer is, you know, in themovie, we know that after
(20:01):
summer, autumn came.
And that's a whole other thing,right?
We live, we love, we lose, wecontinue to fight another day,
and we go on.
But all of us have summers inour lives, and all of us, every
summer, somebody said, we'llhave something autumn about it.
So...
You're on this journey with menow.
You've got to subscribe.
(20:22):
That's just a glimpse.
That's just a preview of some ofthe things we're going to talk
about with Once I Knew a Girl, aguide to navigating the
complexities of relationships.
I hope to create avenues wherewe can open up the dialogue and
the discussion.
I hope you guys can be a part ofthis.
And to all of my friends who arelistening, just don't listen and
(20:42):
just turn it off.
Share it with somebody else.
If you are...
Someone who loves the idea oflove, loves the idea of unity,
harmony, relationship, romance.
This is the podcast for you.
And again, I'm in the works ofworking on the book.
So hopefully we can build up agood support, good audience for
(21:05):
that and continue this podcastin many areas.
Again, thank you for joining.
Please subscribe.
And we'll see you next timeright here on Once I Knew a
Girl.
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