February 19, 2025 • 51 mins
What happens when you find yourself stepping into a role you never imagined, with no guidebook in sight? We unravel this mystery with our special guest, Mista Yu, whose journey from New York to Charleston marks not just a change in scenery but a transformation in life roles. As a stepfather to three daughters, and the loving backbone of a family teeming with grandchildren and a newly discovered great-grandchild, Mista Yu offers a heartfelt glimpse into the world of fatherhood without a prior template. His experiences challenge societal labels, and his story of embracing the "stepfather" title with warmth and resilience might just reshape your understanding of family bonds.
Navigating the complexities of stepfathering reveals deeper truths about love, commitment, and family. Our guests shared personal journeys that shattered stereotypes surrounding parental roles, emphasizing the power of presence over traditional titles and the vital importance of nurturing both marital and familial bonds.
• Exploring the relationship between stepfathers and biological fathers
• Sharing personal anecdotes on blending families
• Emphasizing trust, presence, and authenticity in parenting
• Discussing marital dynamics and their impact on children
• Highlighting a new nonprofit aimed at helping children gain essential life skills
• Understanding the emotional connections that go beyond titles and definitions
Join the discussion as Mista Yu is a guest on the Call With Dads Podcast.
Have a question for Mista Yu? Text the show and he’ll answer it personally.
Faith Over BreakfastPastors from two creative communities, Andy Littleton and Eric Cepin, discuss the...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Call with Dads, where we dive into the ups
, downs and everything inbetween when it comes to being a
dad.
Here, it's all about connectingwith a community of dads who
are committed to learning andleveling up as fathers.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Welcome to Call with Dads, let's talk.
You know, because when you askthem, how do you say Netflix,
netflix, yeah, no, it's notNetflix, it's Netflix.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
I can't say croissant .
I feel weird in here somewherewhen I say that.
So I just say croissant.
I'm sorry for the French people, but no, let's do this.
Speaker 4 (00:35):
It sounds like we already have a bit of a
craziness going on here.
Instead of letting everybodyelse miss out on our weirdness
that we're obviously full of atthis point, oh yeah, how about
we jump into this?
So we have Tom from Owner ofRespect here, mr Pancakes from
Pancakes With your Dad, me,obviously, eric EA Maynard from
(00:58):
Call With your Dads Because Idon't do much else, and then
joining us for our crazyconversation that we've already
gone quite a bit into.
We have Mr Yu and instead of megoing on, can you tell a bit of
people about yourself, and thenwe can dig into all our
(01:19):
conversations.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Of course this is a long story so I'm going to be
challenging to make it short,but I'm originally from New
challenging to make it short,but I'm originally from New York
.
I live in Charleston, southCarolina.
Now I am a father of threebeautiful daughters.
We are.
Two of them are well, one isvery estranged, one is close to
being that way.
Another one is lives about fiveminutes away from me.
We got six grand kids, fourgrand boys and two
(01:43):
granddaughters and a greatgrandchild we just found out
about that I haven't met yet.
So the whole family thing isstarting to get intense.
But so I'm really attracted tothis podcast and this idea of
what you guys have been talkingabout.
So I'm excited for everybody tohear about what you've been
doing.
But aside from that, I'm aformer a whole bunch of.
(02:05):
I'm a former musician.
I'm a present day worshipleader and musician, now Teacher
, not a scholar per se, but justa teacher and administrator and
entrepreneur Getting ready tostart an awesome nonprofit.
I have my hands in a lot of.
I'm one of them, jack of alltrades and master of none.
(02:26):
That's kind of like yeah, it'stime to make a t-shirt now.
That's kind of what's happeningto me.
I'm not mastering anything atthis point.
I'm just trying to make the uh,the world a better place and be
a better person while I'm in it.
You know so that was a shortversion of a long, long story,
so, but we can get into it ifyou want to, though.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
Well, let's do this.
Let's look at the fact of whenyou and I first connected, it
was discussing a bit about youbeing a stepdad.
Now, with the kids you have,how's the stepdad portion play
into it?
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Well, I met my wife in 96.
We knew each other for threemonths and we were married.
I don't think it was a rush.
It sounded like it was a rushbut it really wasn't.
It was more of a.
I don't want you to worry, kids, man, I'm not really a corny
person, but I'll just use thatword for lack of a better word.
We just knew it was the rightthing to do.
It was a connection.
There was nothing else going onbetween us Intimately, we just
(03:20):
knew that we were supposed to betogether.
So three months was more thanenough time for us to figure
that out.
So we embarked on that journey.
She already had three daughters, all under the age of five at
that time.
So I came into their life very,very early.
I was never, ever called astepfather, nor did I ever use
the term.
They were my children.
(03:40):
The natural father was into alot of stuff and he was never,
ever present.
So I took over and I dideverything that you would do as
a father.
So the word step never came out, unless people were wanting to
attack me or to perhapsdiscredit me in some way.
So they use the word step as aas a means of trying to demean
what I, what I did by steppinginto these people's lives, so I
(04:04):
never used the term.
I did write a book.
It was something that I thinkwas God inspired.
I wrote a book in 2016,.
I think it was called the Heartof a Stepfather.
You can't find it now.
The company was the thirdlargest Christian publisher in
the world and then they kind ofwent belly up, bankruptcy, a
whole bunch of stuff.
So I never got my royalty, butI still have my copy of the book
(04:26):
and I talk about it from timeto time on our show.
And you know it was just anopportunity to chronicle my life
because you know to be a parentin any way, shape or form, no
matter what the status is.
If you don't have that in yourbackground, it's rough sledding.
If you don't have a father inyour life, it's really rough.
Letting it be a father.
I mean you can't.
I mean my frame of referencewas Bill Cosby's show, the
(04:46):
Huxtables.
That was my frame of referencehow to be a father.
I didn't have any other frameof reference whatsoever.
There were men around, but noneof them were father figures or
had that kind of character.
So I would try to figure it outon the fly with these beautiful
young girls, so talented andenergetic, and got so much
(05:07):
ability and potential.
I'm like, how do I follow thesepeople?
So I was trying to figure itout.
It was nothing easy about it.
I'm still learning it, evengoing into our 29th year of
marriage right now, still tryingto figure out how to do it.
But sometimes, like we talkedabout off air, sometimes the
kids don't-air, sometimes thekids don't want to pick up what
(05:29):
you're putting down.
You know what I mean.
You have to kind of do it aspart of the course.
But you have to be stable andconsistent and be who you're
supposed to be and everybodyelse figure it out.
Speaker 4 (05:40):
You know, the funny thing to me is listening to you.
It kind of hits me in two ways,personally, in my view, because
my wife and I knew each otherfor four months, almost to the
day.
Then we got married and we're11 years now coming up with this
.
Thank you.
So crazy, crazy times, butstill I found that if it wasn't
(06:02):
for us being married, weprobably wouldn't have stayed
together as long as we have.
And because I believe marriagebrings a whole different element
to the relationship and if youknow you're meant to be together
and you're willing to take thework that gets to it, then why
wait?
So I I understand what you'resaying.
I'm not thinking you're crazythere, because obviously if you
are, I'm just right, you know.
(06:24):
The funny thing is is everyoneasked me if I've got her
pregnant.
I'm like no so, but peopledidn't have the highest opinion
of me when I was a single guy.
We'll say it that way but I getasked the same question.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
We got married we, and I think I proposed it six
months.
That's always the same thing,yeah what happened um.
I fell in love, you surenothing else happened.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
I get it man I don't even remember how I know that we
got married.
I was in korea for a year andit was my last.
It was my last three monthswhen we finally decided to get
married and when I got back ittook us about two months to get
married.
At that point.
(07:08):
Prior to that, we had beentogether for about four or five
months and then I went to Korea.
So we were together about ayear and a half prior to
actually getting married, but Iwas in Korea for a year.
So it was kind of like longdistance kind of for a year,
which not so much.
But the funny thing is when, uh, my wife is actually of korean
(07:29):
descent.
She's not korean, but she's ofkorean descent.
So, uh, when I first got back,like everybody was like, oh, you
brought one back with you, didyou?
Like?
No, she, she, she likesfootball, she's american, she's
from michigan people are.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
People are nuts about that.
But the other thing that getsme is the stepfather side of it,
because, like you said, youdon't use the word step and,
like for me, I grew up where mystepdad, he was more in my life
than my biological father and hetried to keep try to have my
biological father and I have arelationship.
But it wasn't really positivefor me to have that relationship
(08:19):
when my my stepdad, paul, hewas the one that hey, do this,
don't do this, stop messing offall this stuff, you know.
So the key benefits I find Ilearned in my life a lot of the
manhood things came from him andmy biological father was more
(08:40):
of.
This is not who you want to be.
This personality, this way oflife, of life.
I mean he made money, he, hemade good money, all this stuff,
he had nice stuff.
But once you get past thematerial things you realize
that's not the kind of life youwant if you have to be a
miserable person and angry andall this stuff.
(09:02):
So it was kind of kind of justan issue that I'm like.
You know, I find my stepdadgave me more to go off of than
my biological father.
That's, that's kind of whatattracted me to when you said
you were.
You have the um reluctantstepdad issue that you started
with and, as you just said, you,you're not a stepdad, you're a
(09:24):
dad.
So I kind of can understandthat full-heartedly yeah, I had
a stepfather as well.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
um, my, my dad, my real dad, was in my life, um,
but he, he wasn't a bad guy.
He just wasn't in my lifebecause of my mom, because my
you know, long story short, my,my mother, is currently in
prison.
She's like the most wretchedhuman being on planet Earth, you
know, it's just how she is.
So my stepdad, for many, manyyears, while growing up, my mom
(09:57):
made him out, my stepdad out, tobe like some martyr, you know
very violent, mean, so on and soforth forth, which it turned
out as I'm older.
Now he's not, he's a super niceguy, and my dad, uh, she made
him out to be like a loser.
You know stuff like that whichnow I look at my dad and my
dad's he's not.
You know, he's super nice guy.
(10:19):
He uh multiple businesses,stuff like that's just like a
serial entrepreneur, makes money.
And the majority of his exitfrom our lives growing up was my
mother's fault.
She kind of made that happenand made it look like it was his
fault.
My stepdad was a little bitmore aggressive, but my mom made
(10:45):
it seem to be much more than itreally was.
He did spank and stuff likethat, but he never actually hit
us or did anything like that, soshe just made it seem like that
all the time, although one timemy stepdad I mean the people
can't see it, but you may beable to see it I got a scar
somewhere like right here.
My stepdad backhanded me with apair of large pliers Not on
(11:06):
purpose, that's what I was goingto say.
My mom made it seem like andtold everybody it was on purpose
, but it was actually anaccident.
He turned and just happened tohave them in his hand.
It cracked me in the head Ithink I was like five.
That's about the only thingthat ever happened.
My stepdad was a good man.
(11:26):
He's still still pretty goodman.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
I still talk to him now and then it's worth sledding
man Cause it just kind of.
It just kind of just feels likeyou know people, people who
step into situations wherethere's a void like that, become
scapegoats for stuff.
I'm like, okay, before it'skind of like simple mathematics
(11:49):
mathematics it was zero and nowit was five.
Like which one is better, zeroor five?
I'm gonna give some credit towhat's actually happening.
What's what's been done, what'sbeing built, even if it's not
to the level that you imagine inyour mind, if you fancied it,
at least give credit for what'sbeen done.
It's like I wrote that bookbecause I'm like that's not
what's happening.
These guys are getting the,they're getting scapegoated for
a lot of stuff and when peoplelike the other, the other spouse
(12:11):
, Jesus, Joe, they find a otherperson expendable or they want
to get an upgrade you know whatI'm saying?
You hear all kinds of this tothis credit and this fame place.
It's not even cool because inall that's going on, nobody's
thinking about the kids.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Right.
So I got a question for you,seth, about that.
Sorry, I had to changelocations in my house.
It's kind of a chaotic day inthe household here, but I wanted
to be here to talk with youguys.
So, talking about the idea ofstepfather, like I know, I don't
know what your dynamic was inyour household when your three
daughters were young.
I don't know if they knew thatyou were their stepfather or
what I assume they did know thatyou were the stepfather, not
(12:48):
the biological father.
Yes, they definitely did.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Is that correct?
Yeah, they see the other guy,but not in the best of
conditions.
I think their attachment to thefamily was the freedom to do
things that they couldn't do athome.
So it wasn't really about him,it was about just being in that
area so they can have thatliberty to do things that you
know or be around people that weprobably wouldn't approve of.
(13:11):
So he was there, but he wasnever really present.
He was never.
He didn't take them to thestore and buy them candy.
He was not involved whatsoever.
He was involved in other thingsthat he pleasured himself with.
But they always knew that.
They knew there was a voidthere.
They were super happy at thewedding which was kind of thrown
(13:31):
together.
Just to be honest about it mywife tells the story better than
I do.
But the church that she was apart of I joined her there and
nobody really approved of us.
The whole church was like, eh,we want to be a part of it, we
don't approve, we don't approvedof us.
The whole church was like, eh,we want to be a part of it, we
don't approve, we don't approveof him.
He's from New York, we don'tknow where he's coming from, and
et cetera, et cetera.
So we just had a quick weddingin the church.
A very small handful of folkswas there, but the kids were.
(13:55):
I remember that very distinctly.
The girls were so excited, theywere so happy.
I didn't know why they werehappy at first, but they were so
happy Like, oh yes, you knowwhat I'm saying.
I didn't know that they hadsome other ideas about what they
can do.
Now.
I didn't test that in theinterim.
I was like okay, so I was justhappy to be there and be a part
(14:15):
of this and be a part of theirlives and them a part of mine.
So they knew To answer yourquestion, Tommy no-transcript
(14:50):
that.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
How did you counteract that like kind of
lack of credibility as astepfather?
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Okay, great question, man.
I think most of that came fromthe people who were on the well,
on both sides of the family, tobe honest with you the maternal
side and the paternal side Ikind of felt like, oh, rather
than deal with the fact thatthis gentleman dropped the ball
in an epic way and abandoned hisresponsibility, rather than
(15:17):
deal with that part, it was justeasy.
I was more accessible.
I was there, I was going to theschools, I was going to the PTA
, I was at everything All daywith saddles.
I was there, I was going to theschools, I was going to the PTA
, I was at everything All daywith saddles.
I was always there.
It was easier to attack me thanto attack the unknown, faceless
person.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Yeah, you were the target Right exactly.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
So that came from both sides of the family.
Now I'm from New York, so I'malready a fighter by trade.
I was fighting when I came outof the womb.
I'm ready for it.
No gloves, bare knuckles, let'sdo this.
But that's just where I comefrom.
So I fought a lot of that stuff,not physically but in other
ways, but on the other side ofit, as far as the credibility
(15:55):
goes, I mean, honestly I'm nothaving a background to
understand what it means to be afather or in stepfatherhood.
I have no idea.
I didn't read any books.
I didn't know what to do withthat.
All I knew was the best thing Icould do was just be me.
That was my best answer.
I may not be the one that youget clinically, but that was my
(16:15):
best answer.
Just be the best me that I canbe in this situation.
It's kind of been a mantra formy life for decades.
Now, just be the best me, afterme be.
I know that I had a lot ofgrowing to do because I had no
background, no experience.
Everything I seen from my hoodwas awful.
So I'm like, yeah, I don't wantto do that, that, that or that.
So I was just trying to figureout.
How do I, how do I, how do I dothis in?
(16:42):
You know who they need to bepresident or CEO of a company or
whatever they're going to growup to become.
So I don't know if I reallyhave a great answer for that,
tom.
I just kind of feel like I haveto just try to be me and all
this stuff.
Try to learn.
Learn from my mistakes.
Learn when I you know if I'mgoing too far with the
discipline or if I need to backoff and have a little grace and
(17:04):
understand the mediums.
Know when they're playing usagainst each other, you know.
Just understand what'shappening and just be aware and
learn, make adjustments and notjust be so rigid that I can't
see that.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
You know, maybe it's time for a pivot so I honestly I
think I mean honestly I have alittle bit of an answer for you,
tom, on that with how mystepdad did it, you know,
because me and my brother we hada sister that was his, but me
and my brother were not his, youknow.
And so he was our stepdad butnot hers.
(17:35):
So there, that lack ofcredibility like you talk about
could have been there, but itactually never ended up becoming
part of our thing.
And one of the ways I think andI don't know if he did it
specifically like he thoughtabout it prior to becoming a
stepfather or if that's just howhe was I never really discussed
that with him, but the way heheld his credibility with us as
(18:00):
the authority figure in thehouse the father stuff like that
is the authority figure in thehouse, the father stuff like
that is he was never off hisgame, never Like I never caught
him off his game, not once, notever, didn't matter.
And one of the one of the thingswas if he said it, it was true,
(18:20):
it was done.
You know what I mean.
So if he said you do that again, I'm going to whoop your ASS.
And it did.
And he only said it once andonce, every time, for the entire
time that I knew the guy, henever, not once, said anything
or told me not to do something,or yelled at me twice, Not once.
If he said it and I did itagain, he did exactly what he
said immediately, every singletime.
(18:41):
And I mean he's, I, I know himto be true to this day to still
be like that.
Granted, he's, you know, I'm 40years old, he's no longer an
authority figure for me, but youknow, still, um, he, his
personality is still like that.
So I, I would say that's how hedid it.
I'm not saying that's howeveryone does it, but his
credibility came from the factthat he held credibility all the
(19:02):
time in his own self as a man.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
OK if I add something to this.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
I didn't think about this as being credible.
I guess my whole motivation wasjust to just kind of be
authentic and do me.
But some of you said somethingfor me, One of the things that I
don't know what year it was,but it was very early on.
I recognize it was somethingthat was I guess it wasn't a
father and daughter dance.
It was something that you knowyou want to invite the family to
.
I just remember if it was agraduation, what it was, and I
(19:32):
think he put a go down.
They put a go down one weekendto spend time with him and he he
no, showed him that the firsttime.
It was the first time that Isaw it.
He no, showed him.
And that was my first timeseeing them react in a way, I
guess, where they seemed to behurt by it.
So it wasn't because of this,but it kind of added a little
(19:53):
fuel to the fire of what I wastrying to accomplish and I
realized that, okay, the voidthat they had because he didn't
show up, because he wasn'tpresent, because he wasn't—he
could have been a part of theirlife.
It wouldn't have hurt myfeelings.
I wouldn't have been trying tooppose it, as long as you're
keeping all the extracurricularsout of it, you're not putting
them in danger.
I'm good with it.
Go ahead, man, do you?
(20:13):
But for me, I think one of thethings I want to do is make sure
I loved their.
It kind of shows them you knowwhat that?
This is what it looks like andwhat it's going to be and what
we believe it's going to be foryou when you grow up and have a
husband.
This is what it's going to looklike To have a stable, loving
(20:35):
marriage.
I ain't going away for hours.
I'm coming back.
I ain't going to go get somecigarettes.
I'll never come back.
I'm coming back home everynight.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
I show up.
That's one of the best thingsyou can do for your children is
to love their mother.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
It's fascinating because listening to you guys
talk, there's kind of two thingsthat I've kind of picked up.
On One, it almost seems like,if you turn the question on its
head right, being a biologicalfather, that natural credibility
that comes along with it couldeasily be used as a crutch right
, whereas as a stepdad you don'thave that opportunity.
You have to, you have to standon your own.
And it kind of goes back to acore principle of my own
(21:11):
personal philosophy is the ideaof being a man of high character
and kind of everything fallsinto place beyond that.
It's like a domino effect,right, and so you touched on
that too.
Being a stepfather, you know, ifyou're a man of high character,
you kind of naturally developthat credibility.
And what you talked aboutYousef, with him not being
present, he's a man of lowcharacter and so inevitably he
(21:31):
actually created a vacuum intheir life that you were able to
take I don't want to say takeadvantage of, but that you were
able to utilize to your benefit,right, where you can kind of
step in and fill that space.
And now you become therepresentation of a good father,
right, and it doesn't come frombad mouthing him, it just
simply comes from stepping upwhen he doesn't.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
You know it never happened.
I never said one bad word aboutit.
I mean, I had, I had, I hadmaterial.
I could have had a comedyroutine last me 10 years.
So his life, that's what it wasabout.
I never.
I never used it.
I never used what I knew thatthey didn't even see some stuff.
I knew something they didn'teven know about.
(22:12):
I never used it.
I never said it in front ofthem, never ever.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
You just waited for him to slip.
You knew it would happen, andwhen it did, you were there.
I just wanted to be there,period.
I didn't care what thescripting stood.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
I was there.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
That's all it was about.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
It was never a competition because, honestly,
there really wasn't one.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 4 (22:32):
So let me ask you this, because going into an
instant family because that'swhat becoming a stepdad without
kids is is going into an instantfamily.
Sure, you went from allpeaceful probably a peaceful
apartment, quiet, all this.
I don't know what kind ofcraziness.
(22:53):
You lived beforehand, but youwould be able to.
Well, I understand that.
But the comparison roommatesyou can at least tell where to
go.
Kids, you don't have thatoption very often.
So, going from crazy roommates,crazy wild times, bachelor of
life to instant family, all thedifferences, all that comes to
(23:16):
that I know you probably went inwith a mindset of this is the
things I have to get ready todeal with.
What?
What was it that you found wasa surprise to you, that you
didn't really expect to be?
Because, like for me, as a dadthat's been there from birth to
it's my oldest is almost turningseven I've got, I've gotten
(23:39):
used to and, mind you, I'm stillgoing.
I'm an old dad, I guess is whatI've called, but because I'm 45
or so like that.
But the fact is is I've gottenused to because I've been
working with them since day one.
So it's not like I'm instantlyjumping in at this point where,
like when my mom comes to visit,she's thrown for a loop, even
(24:00):
though she's raised my brotherand I, because it's completely
different dealing with my sonand my daughter.
So, just jumping in from thepoint that you did, what did you
, I guess, realize or finddifferent for what you're used
to, what you expected and whatwas reality?
Speaker 3 (24:21):
This is a toughie, but it's a good one.
My wife would love to hear thispart of this because she loves
me to own this in front of otherpeople.
I'm owning it today.
It's public, it's live.
I think one of the things that Ididn't realize and I really
didn't figure it out untilprobably about 10 years ago,
which is not a great thing I'malready in my mid fifties
(24:41):
already, so I'm like I shouldhave already conquered this
already.
But I had trust issues that Ibought into this.
I didn't realize that I hadthat.
I wanted them to trust me, butI was like I didn't have any
secrets, but I was like guardedabout certain things with
everybody in the household.
I didn't realize when the kidsgot older and left and some left
early because they justcouldn't take a household of
(25:04):
discipline and spirituality andet cetera and rules.
They couldn't take all that.
So there's a lot of them leftearly.
But I didn't realize when itwas just me and the wife here
that I'm like I'm still guarded,I'm still protecting myself
from my best friend in the wholeworld.
Why is that happening?
So that was a revelation for me, because when I had the
roommates, that made sense.
(25:25):
They leave my checkbook layingaround for you bums, who knows?
Speaker 4 (25:28):
what might happen.
You know what?
Speaker 3 (25:29):
I'm saying that made sense to me.
I didn't leave my walletsitting around.
I know you, but I ain't leavingmy wallet sitting around.
I know you, but I don't trustyou like that.
You know I get that.
It's just one eye open.
I mean, I did that sometimeswith somebody's roommate.
I'm like I don't know what'shappening.
But in this case, you know, I'mnot.
I'm with my best friend andit's just her and I in the house
and I'm still guard.
I'm still protecting myselffrom what might happen.
(25:52):
That's, that's unhealthy.
So it took a little while tofigure it out.
Some things happened with usthat made me like, oh wow, I
didn't realize I was in thatstate.
So we're talking about about 10years ago that I just started
figuring that out at all thetime we've been married.
So that was a big revelation.
But it was a breakthrough,because now I'm like you know
what?
I can turn my back and she gota sharp object behind her and I
don't.
I'm just like, hey, I'm in thisfor the long haul.
(26:14):
We are here.
I left my hometown andeverybody I knew to come down
here into the South, which islike a dichotomy all by itself.
Why would you do that?
I came down here and stayed.
I didn't go back.
I had a couple opportunities togo back.
I'm out of this place.
This place is nuts.
I stayed.
So it was just aboutrecognizing that when you love
(26:36):
somebody and you're all in, youknow some of it's blind.
You don't know what's going tohappen, you can't see the future
.
You just you know I'm here.
I'm here for this and I thinkthat was a big part of even
though our children may neversee it right now in front of us,
they've been watching that.
I got my mom and my sister theyall still live in New York and
they're surprised when we havean anniversary.
(26:57):
I told them it's ouranniversary.
I'm like how many years has itbeen?
It's been that many years?
It's been that many years youain't keep me trying.
Speaker 4 (27:07):
You know what.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
I'm saying but it's just a testament that it's not a
fly-by-night thing, becauseI've had that kind of history.
I'll be honest about it.
I've started stuff and stoppedand never finished it,
especially back home in New Yorkand I was doing music and
everything.
I was starting stuff and neverfinished things.
I'm finishing and we're goingalmost into 30 years Next year.
I'm like we're finishing this.
(27:29):
So this is like this is.
It was a good testimony forthem.
And the girls are saying youknow what this is, what it looks
like when a man stays, when hedoesn't quit and he doesn't give
up, when he honors hiscommitments, when he has
integrity and he stays.
And I end up post-abort forthat, because I mess up a whole
bunch of times.
But I want to at least showthat part because I feel like
that's in me to do that.
(27:50):
So I hope that makes sense.
But that's kind of just the wayI was with it.
Speaker 4 (27:53):
Makes sense to me.
Now there's also the fact of wetalked before we started
recording this that you actuallyare diving into a whole new
thing with a nonprofit becauseof your being the stepdad.
All this, which, being a dad,the whole experience as it
(28:14):
personally, I think everyonehere has discovered that being a
dad drives you to do things younever thought you'd do before.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
Ain't that the truth?
Amen?
Speaker 4 (28:22):
And well, like, look at Mr Pancakes trying to bring
traditional back to familieswith with morning, sunday
morning breakfast, which I'mstill trying to push him to
create a pancake recipe book.
Tom earn her respect, bringingmen back to being respectful so
(28:44):
that their wives respect him asmuch, so that he has a good
family.
And then me, I just like totalk as much as I can.
So with that, you and MrCampion, both are starting
nonprofits to help bringfamilies to be more productive,
be better.
How did that happen for you?
What actually clicked in youthat said, I have to create this
(29:07):
?
Speaker 3 (29:08):
Well, part of it came from a dream.
I've always had an affinity forthe next generation.
I wanted to see them come up.
I was a former life coach andbusiness coach for several years
.
I had my own practice andeverything.
So I was always thinking aboutthe impact of our current
actions and how it affects thefuture and how we deal with the
(29:29):
current if we don't deal withthe past first.
So I've always dealt with thatkind of stuff.
But it started with a dream andwe started seeing logos and
designs.
I'm like I knew this was biggerthan us.
I'm like we have a dream, butit's like this is something
different about this one andwhat came out of it was save the
(29:54):
children sc.
Uh.
Essentially the non-profitthing is is in, uh in play.
Mr pancakes kind of scared me alittle bit with that number.
He dropped offline like howmuch it costs to start
application.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
I'm still gonna do it somehow it's a pain in the butt
.
Speaker 3 (30:06):
I'm going to figure it out.
I think it has to happen.
I was trying to go outside ofthe 501c3 route, but I don't
think I can avoid it because ofthe magnitude of what we're
trying to do, so we're going tobite the bullet and step into it
you can get a non-profit andhave a non-profit without the
501c.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
You just get a nonprofit and have a nonprofit
without the 501c.
You just get a normal EIN, yeah, but you have to pay taxes.
So every time somebody donatesmoney to you, you have to pay
taxes.
So if they give you $100, youhave to pay $22 or whatever the
tax is, whatever the tax rate ison that.
So that's why you get the 501cand you got to read about 501c's
(30:46):
, because I mean there's alaundry list.
So there's 501c threes, thenthere's 501c fours.
Threes have a laundry list ofall like probably 200 different
styles and different things todo, and the 501c fours are all
designed specifically for, like,education and churches.
But you have to read becausethere's another laundry list of
(31:06):
like 300 different ways.
And why is?
You can do it and you have toselect just the right one and
pick the right one.
And you can.
You can call the irs and askthem about it and they'll help
you, supposedly, but it's yeah,it's a nightmare yeah, I, I need
help, but it's why I'm takingso long doing it.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
I need help with that .
Just being fully transparent.
I'm not good with that kind ofstuff, but basically the idea
was to promote several things.
I mean life skills, becauseI've seen so many young people
who just don't understand simplethings.
We talked about a little bit ofthat offline too.
They don't get it Stuff likefinancial literacy and how to
(31:47):
treat, uh, a lady and vice versa.
It's like they don't have it.
It should feel like it'sdeteriorating real fast and I'm
like I don't.
I'm the one person can't stopthis, uh, can't stop this train.
They seem to be on the tracksrolling this locomotive, but I
want to try.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
Not only do they not have it, they're being
confronted with the exactopposite, without question.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
So what we're trying to do is say the truth and see
to try to promote you know whatit means to restore family
values, traditional values.
In some ways they are biblicaland spiritual and conservative
in nature.
But that's that's where we are.
It is what it is.
So we try to get that, get thatgoing.
It's a work in progress.
The website is live right now.
(32:27):
Savethechildrensccom is alreadyup.
The camps and the skillsclasses are in progress.
We're not there yet, but we'reworking on that part.
There's merch out there too, onthe site.
I'm not really concerned aboutthe merch so much.
It's just a way to kind of justsupport what we're trying to
accomplish and send the messageout.
Word of mouth and everything,uh.
(32:48):
But everything you guys beentalking about in in all three of
the stories that you guysshared with me today, all those
things are the kind of thingthat I'm honestly, I'm shocked.
I'm sitting here on this panelwith you guys today.
I'm my mind is blown.
I'm like you can't, you can't,you can't create this kind of
situation.
You might.
Might think you guys mightthink it was chance.
Oh, just lucky, you found me onmatch.
(33:08):
No, that's not what happened.
This is bigger than thatEverything you guys are talking
about is exactly something thatwe're trying to accomplish
through Save the Children.
There's nothing.
It's not separate whatsoever.
There's a lot of synchronicityin this, so I'm excited about
that, because I want to supportyou guys as well.
So I have a question for you?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Yeah, no, you're good .
So, with the idea that you'recoming up with with your
nonprofit and stuff, the thingsthat you plan to do, do you?
So?
I guess it's a multi-partquestion question Do you intend
(33:48):
to just be for like any type ofparents, normal parents, or do
you intend to focus towards stepparents you know connections or
biological parents or just both?
Overall?
The reason, the reason I ask is, I mean, you know, and I'm
going to play devil's advocatehere on the negativity towards,
you know, step parents.
Um, there there is the wholeidea of the Cinderella effect.
That is a.
It's a real thing.
(34:08):
The Cinderella effect has beenstudied.
There's a few studies I wasreading about it, um, where they
say that the number onepredictor in child abuse is
whether there's a step parent inthe home or not.
And if there is, that meansthey're more than likely will be
.
Um, there has been severalstudies.
The majority of the studies aredone by the exact same people,
(34:31):
so you can almost guaranteethere's some sort of bias, you
know.
So it doesn't necessarily meanit's true, but they say the
first one was like seven timesmore likely for child abuse, and
this was done in the 70s.
And then they did another one alittle bit later, like in the
(34:51):
80s and it was in the 40s, like40 times.
And then they did another onelater on and they said today
it's more, so closer to thehundreds, it's 100 times more
likely to be abused by astep-parent.
But they don't go into a lot ofdetail with some things, you
know.
I mean it's like, you know, the, the one person came up with
something like a picture ofwhether you're gonna get bitten
(35:12):
by sharks if you go in the ocean.
You know, they do the study andall the people in the ocean,
and they say, well, you know, ofcourse those people got bit
because they were in the ocean.
So you take this amount ofpeople and so many people are in
the ocean, well, they don'tcount all the people that
weren't in the ocean.
You know what I mean.
So it's the same concept.
So there's definitely going tobe a solid bias.
(35:35):
I know the NIH, the NationalInstitute of Health, granted
their credibility in the toilettoday.
Toilet today, you know.
But I wonder why they did one,as they did one as well.
So they also did one recently.
So that that was my, myquestion.
Uh, with the cinderella effectand the whole ideology behind
(35:56):
the cinderella effect,negativity towards, you know,
step parents and abuse and stufflike that um does.
Do you you intend to worktowards like maybe uh getting
step parents that are havingthat trouble and families that
have that trouble and maybeconnect them a little bit better
, find ways, you know, doinglike you said, uh doing
in-person things like little uhclasses or uh what you call them
(36:19):
, where you get the families,the step parent and the child to
actually connect?
You know, because I thinkthat's one of the largest things
that they were saying is theproblem, you know, the the step
parent doesn't have a connectionto the child and then when the
child obviously being 10 yearsold, like whatever, I don't want
to stay in my room.
You know what I mean.
So so I don't know this kid'sfreaking jerk, you know I, you
(36:41):
know.
So first thing you do is smackthe crap out of it and say you
know, stop.
So I understand where the ideacomes from.
But they don't have abiological connection to their
child, so I guess that's wherethat ideology comes from.
I'm just curious about your.
Speaker 3 (36:58):
That's an awesome question.
I'm doing my best to try toanswer.
Hopefully I'm smart enough toanswer that question.
That was a really intelligentquestion.
What I tried to do with thesite.
If you look at it you can kindof see some of the wording.
It's not anything sinisterabout it.
I tried to have the wording onthe website to be general enough
for us to have room to expandand to do things within that,
(37:21):
without being too specific.
And then I'm trapped in thatlanguage and I can't do anything
.
So, yes, the emphasis is on thechildren specifically, but you
can't emphasize the children andnot emphasize the parents.
It's kind of I'm hoping it'simplied.
I don't know if we have to saythat specifically, but I think
it's kind of implied.
Aside from little rascals, kidsdon't walk around without adult
(37:44):
supervision.
Very often kids don't walkaround without adult supervision
.
Very often they don't go to thestore and jump on buses and
trolleys together like littlerascals, like where's your
parents?
So, that's weird.
So it's implied that I wantthem to be involved in the
process, without question.
I can't really ignore thestep-parenting part.
I feel like I'm not being loyalBecause what I went through I
mean, honestly, I wrote the book.
(38:05):
If you can't read the book now,I'm working on trying to get
that put out again with adifferent publisher.
But a lot of it was hell, justto be honest about it.
I went through hell with thatsituation, so there's no way I
can ignore people who are inthat situation right now.
I got to include them.
It wasn't even an afterthought.
Yeah, I got to include them.
It wasn't even an afterthought.
(38:26):
Yeah, I gotta include them.
Now we do have the right todecline working with some
parents.
If this is a situation that wedon't really agree with, I'll
let you deal with theunderstanding behind that.
We can talk about it offline,but there's some things that I
can't coach and associate with,because I don't really agree
with what you're doing and howit impacts the child.
(38:47):
So, yeah, we have the right toreserve the right to not be a
part of that.
But beside that, yeah, I meanstep parents and biologicals.
Yeah, I mean this is.
This is something I wanted tobe involved with, because these
kids are going back home withyou.
I need you to understand whatthey're learning.
I mean they learn something inschool and to understand what
they're learning.
I mean they're learning stuffin school and who knows what
(39:07):
they're getting?
I mean the new math.
I don't know what they'relearning right now.
You know what I'm saying?
Common core, I mean you name it.
They got stuff going on outthere.
But I want you to be a part ofthis, because I believe this is
the kind of stuff that this islife skills you can teach the
toddlers coming up when they oldenough to understand they can
(39:28):
learn the same things too.
So I hope to answer thequestion.
That was like I said, it was agreat question.
I think my answer was probablyless than what you might have
been looking for, but I just Itried to do my best.
Did I did?
I?
Did I touch it?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (39:38):
yeah, that was I around it in the I would say,
more of an overall you.
You have the options to helpwith step-parents as well as
regular parents as well.
That's good.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
I have to.
I could be a lawyer if I didn'tbecause they're out there.
A lot of people don't show up.
It's not just fathers, Mothersdo.
They don't show up for theirkids.
They're not present and somepeople are single In the end
it's about the children Everytime.
Speaker 2 (40:03):
In the end it's about the children.
Every time In the end it'sabout the children In the end.
Yes, sir, that's one thing Itell my wife.
When we first met, you knowboth of us were the same way.
You know my daughter's numberone no matter what Daughter's
number one.
You know we were both that wayand it took me maybe a couple
years to kind of realize no,she's not my daughter's number
(40:28):
one, but she can't be number onein order to be number one.
Unfortunately it's a weirdthought, but my wife is number
one and in order for my daughterto get the most and the most
benefit, my wife needs to benumber one.
We figured that out In the endit's about her, but right now
it's not.
Speaker 3 (40:44):
We were in the worst challenge of our entire marriage
before we figured that out.
We were in a fire with gasolinedrawers.
We were in trouble.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Because you two fight when it's about a kid all the
time.
Speaker 3 (40:59):
We thought it was both about our peace and then
making them happy.
This is a horrible strategy.
It's all about making a kidhappy, not each other, and we
were not happy.
In the middle of our livingroom back in Columbia, we joined
hands in the middle of the roomand we prayed and we said you
know what, no matter whathappens, me and you are in this
together.
I started this with you andthis is ending with you.
(41:21):
It's just me and you.
I don't care what nobody elsesays about us.
As long as me and you are onthe same page, we're going to
stop.
We can do anything.
And that was the turning pointfor our marriage.
My wife was here.
She would tell you the sameexact thing, that one point by
day.
It wasn't the wedding ring, itwasn't the, it was none of that
stuff.
It was that moment in thatliving room.
So you know what?
What?
(41:41):
We are under assault right now.
Everybody's coming after us,and I mean everybody.
Nobody was on our side aboutwhat we were doing and we were
heading.
And we said as long as you andI are together in this, as long
as you and I, we can't bestopped.
We are unstoppable.
And when that happened, we'vebeen like a freight train ever
since.
Speaker 4 (41:59):
We don't care what our kids say.
Speaker 3 (42:01):
Who lies about us.
We don't care.
I'm like no, this is the UnitedFront and you ain't breaking
through it.
This is the tag team.
This is the Royal Warriors.
We're going to winchampionships.
If you get in the way, we'regoing to mow you down, Simple.
Speaker 4 (42:15):
And when that?
Speaker 3 (42:15):
happened.
Our attitude just changed.
We were like that's it, andthat was a turning point for
everything.
So what you said, I love it,but they can't be number one,
they can't be number two orthree.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
In the end, it's about the children.
Yeah, not now.
Now it's about the husband andwife, and it has to be because
you got to think about it.
If you two are arguing all thetime, what's the kid gaining
Misery, right?
So they're not, they're in turnnot getting number one.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
And evidence.
We had the same experience.
We kind of realized that, uh,you know, there's there's a,
there's a there's like kind ofthis beautiful aspect to uh
marriage.
I mean, at the end of the day,you know, there's the old adage,
you can't choose your family.
Well, that is true, except foryour wife.
Your wife is the one familymember that you have chosen and
there's a lot of power in thatright.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
Yeah, and that's a decision in a man's life copy
that.
Speaker 1 (43:09):
Oh, yeah, easy, yeah easy.
And it's an, it's an agreement,it's a, it's a it's.
You've made a vow, right, youhave devoted yourself to this,
to this agreement with this,with this woman, and you know, I
would say that, like as a baselevel, right, when it comes to a
man of good character, at abase level, if you cannot keep
your marriage vows, then I thinkeverything else falls apart.
(43:32):
No doubt I agree.
Speaker 4 (43:35):
You know we've covered a ton of area here.
I mean it's just trying tothink back of everything we've
discussed.
It's been a wide range frombecoming a stepfather, becoming
more than just as a stepfathernot letting the stepfather take
the step out of the father, asyou say you do and then marriage
the 501Cs that you and MrPancake are having fun with.
(43:59):
I need encouragement.
Help me, so I mean AI.
That's the best advice I cangive you, it'll kill us all, but
it won't kill us today.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
Use it today, because it'll eventually kill us all,
but we're not there yet.
Speaker 1 (44:19):
Yeah, I've used it to draft things before Draft
rental contracts and draft it.
Speaker 3 (44:24):
It is very useful.
Show me how to do that, tell me.
Speaker 2 (44:29):
So so if you're writing, if you're writing your
uh cause you have, you have towrite your bylaws and you have
to write your uh articles ofincorporation for, for your, so
you can get your incorporation.
And then you got to do that,yep, and then you got to write
your bylaws for the nonprofit initself.
And the bylaws are very theyhave to be specific because if
(44:50):
you know anything aboutnonprofits, nonprofits you don't
own a nonprofit.
The public owns a nonprofitbased on how it's designed.
So as though most of you guysknow what's that news guy, he is
James O'Keefe.
He had that one Project Veritas.
He was the founder and CEO ofProject Veritas for like years
(45:14):
and the board pushed him out.
It was his, it was nobodyelse's.
They booted him.
He's no longer part of it.
You know what I mean.
So it very easily can becomenot yours anymore.
So you have to write in thebylaws very unique language and
definitely use AI to do that.
Speaker 3 (45:32):
I'd be waiting for you guys' emails or texts to
tell me how to do it.
I'm speaking Greek to aFrenchman.
I have no idea what that means.
Speaker 4 (45:40):
I'll tell you what.
This is obviously something wecan go in more detail between
all of us after this, becausethere's a whole list that Mr
Pancake has that personally Ihave no idea about, and you guys
might work better togethertalking to each other, but let's
do this.
Where do people find you if theywant to reach out to you?
(46:02):
Because you have a laundry listof places people can reach you,
or at least accounts that I sawfor you.
Where do you want people toreach out to you, yusuf, to
build like to contact you withquestions, with whatever.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
Okay, well, not TikTok I'm not doing that
anymore, I'm not going back butwe do have a YouTube channel.
Everything is at.
They call me Mr U M-I-S-T-A-Y-U, except for Twitter, that's
M-R-Y-U, but you can find usthere.
We are taking questions.
Anybody who listens to theaudio versions of our show, of
(46:37):
course Apple Podcasts, amazonMusic, spotify, those things you
can find us there.
If it's just video, the YouTubechannel is probably the best
place.
If you got social, you can findme on Instagram and Facebook
and Twitter too, but the YouTubechannel is probably the best
place, for all of our stuff iscurrently being housed and
categorized.
I got somebody to help me makeit look right.
It's all good right now.
(46:57):
Of course, I'm open to emailstoo.
They call me MrU at gmailcom.
I can take emails there as well.
I do answer questionsperiodically coaching, parenting
, et cetera.
It does come to me, but that'swhere you can find us.
We've been doing this for aboutfour years and it's starting to
look better and better, so I'mexcited about where things are
(47:17):
headed.
So, and all the collaborationslike this we call with dads and
you, fine gentlemen, I'm likethis is just I.
I'm excited about 2025, sohopefully you can continue to
tune in and listen to what wehave to put out there and
hopefully it's making adifference sounds good and tom
tom.
Speaker 4 (47:33):
Where can people find you if they want to ask you
questions or get to know youmore?
Speaker 1 (47:38):
yeah, so I'm always available.
On x at earn her respect.
You guys will find all my, allmy content, all my musings.
You can also direct message methere if you'd like.
I'm working on a few projectsas well that are kind of going
to be coming out here.
I don't know, next six, sevenmonths or so We'll see, but I've
got a nonfiction book and achildren's book that are both in
(47:58):
the works and, really taking mytime, I want to make sure that
those are just right when Irelease them.
So those are in the works too.
But, yeah, those are are justright when I release them.
Speaker 3 (48:08):
So, um, so those are in the works too, uh, but yeah,
yeah, on x is primarily my whereyou'll find me.
I'm following you there, by theway, so already following you,
oh, thanks.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
Yeah, if I have to have to check out, to check the
link and and see I haven't had achance to browse your twitter
yet, but I'm excited to see whatyou got.
X not Twitter.
Speaker 3 (48:23):
I'm still calling it Twitter.
I kind of can't help it.
I'm rebelling against the wholeX thing.
Speaker 4 (48:35):
Mr Pancakes, how about you?
Speaker 2 (48:36):
Yeah, so you know obviously the main place,
pancakeswithyourdadcom.
You'll find tons of resources.
There's lots of articles andblog posts to read with all
kinds of information.
There's cool downloads forwoodworking so you can connect
with your kid.
It's all free.
You know plenty, plenty of coolmerch.
(48:57):
Definitely, buy some merch.
Check out some stuff.
We have all kinds of shenanigansand nonsense.
Some cool stuff, someshenanigans, um, but definitely,
uh, the more you buy the, thethe profit from it helps us buy
things like my cool mic here anddifferent stuff like that helps
us continue keeping onproviding as much information to
you guys as physically possible.
(49:17):
Um, on there you'll have all mysocials, you know, uh, x, uh,
facebook, instagram, linkedin,true Social.
Those are the main placesyou'll find me.
To be honest, I've beenlackluster on content and
connection on there, for goodreason.
I'm definitely working onsomething, obviously talking
about the nonprofit deal.
(49:38):
It's a big thing in works.
It's a lot of work, so it'sdefinitely taking up a majority
of my time, um, as well as someother stuff.
I want to take up some time offwith the family anyways.
So, um, not releasinginformation on it yet just
because I don't want to get eggon my face when it doesn't work
out makes sense.
Speaker 4 (49:59):
So obviously you can go to callwithdadscom.
If you you're listening to theshow, you should at least know
how to spell call with dads andjust add a dot com at the end of
it.
Logically, I mean, you wouldthink, call with dads.
We basically have where you canfind Mr Pancakes, tom.
We have their bios on there aswell, with links to their all
(50:22):
their socials and their websitesand what so have you so you can
reach out to them as well, withlinks to all their socials and
their websites and what so haveyou so you can reach out to them
.
You can also go to homestercom,which is a homeschooling
website that we've just startedthat is building up curriculums
and building up different peoplecoming on board to help add
different courses for people tolearn.
We're hoping that it becomes amuch bigger thing that allows
(50:46):
homeschoolers to have a future,to get away from public schools
and make homeschooling easier.
That's the theory behind it.
So, with that being said, weappreciate everyone being here.
We appreciate everyonelistening.
Follow us, tell people about us, make sure that you share what
you hear, because not everyoneknows about us, which is a shame
(51:07):
.
So, with that being said, thankyou.
Hold on, yousef, if you would.
This is the end of theconversation for everybody else,
but for us, we'll talk a fewminutes more see you guys.
This is Call with Dads, where we dive into the ups
, downs and everything inbetween when it comes to being a
dad.
Here, it's all about connectingwith a community of dads who
are committed to learning andleveling up as fathers.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Welcome to Call with Dads, let's talk.
You know, because when you askthem, how do you say Netflix,
netflix, yeah, no, it's notNetflix, it's Netflix.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
I can't say croissant .
I feel weird in here somewherewhen I say that.
So I just say croissant.
I'm sorry for the French people, but no, let's do this.
Speaker 4 (00:35):
It sounds like we already have a bit of a
craziness going on here.
Instead of letting everybodyelse miss out on our weirdness
that we're obviously full of atthis point, oh yeah, how about
we jump into this?
So we have Tom from Owner ofRespect here, mr Pancakes from
Pancakes With your Dad, me,obviously, eric EA Maynard from
(00:58):
Call With your Dads Because Idon't do much else, and then
joining us for our crazyconversation that we've already
gone quite a bit into.
We have Mr Yu and instead of megoing on, can you tell a bit of
people about yourself, and thenwe can dig into all our
(01:19):
conversations.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Of course this is a long story so I'm going to be
challenging to make it short,but I'm originally from New
challenging to make it short,but I'm originally from New York
.
I live in Charleston, southCarolina.
Now I am a father of threebeautiful daughters.
We are.
Two of them are well, one isvery estranged, one is close to
being that way.
Another one is lives about fiveminutes away from me.
We got six grand kids, fourgrand boys and two
(01:43):
granddaughters and a greatgrandchild we just found out
about that I haven't met yet.
So the whole family thing isstarting to get intense.
But so I'm really attracted tothis podcast and this idea of
what you guys have been talkingabout.
So I'm excited for everybody tohear about what you've been
doing.
But aside from that, I'm aformer a whole bunch of.
(02:05):
I'm a former musician.
I'm a present day worshipleader and musician, now Teacher
, not a scholar per se, but justa teacher and administrator and
entrepreneur Getting ready tostart an awesome nonprofit.
I have my hands in a lot of.
I'm one of them, jack of alltrades and master of none.
(02:26):
That's kind of like yeah, it'stime to make a t-shirt now.
That's kind of what's happeningto me.
I'm not mastering anything atthis point.
I'm just trying to make the uh,the world a better place and be
a better person while I'm in it.
You know so that was a shortversion of a long, long story,
so, but we can get into it ifyou want to, though.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
Well, let's do this.
Let's look at the fact of whenyou and I first connected, it
was discussing a bit about youbeing a stepdad.
Now, with the kids you have,how's the stepdad portion play
into it?
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Well, I met my wife in 96.
We knew each other for threemonths and we were married.
I don't think it was a rush.
It sounded like it was a rushbut it really wasn't.
It was more of a.
I don't want you to worry, kids, man, I'm not really a corny
person, but I'll just use thatword for lack of a better word.
We just knew it was the rightthing to do.
It was a connection.
There was nothing else going onbetween us Intimately, we just
(03:20):
knew that we were supposed to betogether.
So three months was more thanenough time for us to figure
that out.
So we embarked on that journey.
She already had three daughters, all under the age of five at
that time.
So I came into their life very,very early.
I was never, ever called astepfather, nor did I ever use
the term.
They were my children.
(03:40):
The natural father was into alot of stuff and he was never,
ever present.
So I took over and I dideverything that you would do as
a father.
So the word step never came out, unless people were wanting to
attack me or to perhapsdiscredit me in some way.
So they use the word step as aas a means of trying to demean
what I, what I did by steppinginto these people's lives, so I
(04:04):
never used the term.
I did write a book.
It was something that I thinkwas God inspired.
I wrote a book in 2016,.
I think it was called the Heartof a Stepfather.
You can't find it now.
The company was the thirdlargest Christian publisher in
the world and then they kind ofwent belly up, bankruptcy, a
whole bunch of stuff.
So I never got my royalty, butI still have my copy of the book
(04:26):
and I talk about it from timeto time on our show.
And you know it was just anopportunity to chronicle my life
because you know to be a parentin any way, shape or form, no
matter what the status is.
If you don't have that in yourbackground, it's rough sledding.
If you don't have a father inyour life, it's really rough.
Letting it be a father.
I mean you can't.
I mean my frame of referencewas Bill Cosby's show, the
(04:46):
Huxtables.
That was my frame of referencehow to be a father.
I didn't have any other frameof reference whatsoever.
There were men around, but noneof them were father figures or
had that kind of character.
So I would try to figure it outon the fly with these beautiful
young girls, so talented andenergetic, and got so much
(05:07):
ability and potential.
I'm like, how do I follow thesepeople?
So I was trying to figure itout.
It was nothing easy about it.
I'm still learning it, evengoing into our 29th year of
marriage right now, still tryingto figure out how to do it.
But sometimes, like we talkedabout off air, sometimes the
kids don't-air, sometimes thekids don't want to pick up what
(05:29):
you're putting down.
You know what I mean.
You have to kind of do it aspart of the course.
But you have to be stable andconsistent and be who you're
supposed to be and everybodyelse figure it out.
Speaker 4 (05:40):
You know, the funny thing to me is listening to you.
It kind of hits me in two ways,personally, in my view, because
my wife and I knew each otherfor four months, almost to the
day.
Then we got married and we're11 years now coming up with this
.
Thank you.
So crazy, crazy times, butstill I found that if it wasn't
(06:02):
for us being married, weprobably wouldn't have stayed
together as long as we have.
And because I believe marriagebrings a whole different element
to the relationship and if youknow you're meant to be together
and you're willing to take thework that gets to it, then why
wait?
So I I understand what you'resaying.
I'm not thinking you're crazythere, because obviously if you
are, I'm just right, you know.
(06:24):
The funny thing is is everyoneasked me if I've got her
pregnant.
I'm like no so, but peopledidn't have the highest opinion
of me when I was a single guy.
We'll say it that way but I getasked the same question.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
We got married we, and I think I proposed it six
months.
That's always the same thing,yeah what happened um.
I fell in love, you surenothing else happened.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
I get it man I don't even remember how I know that we
got married.
I was in korea for a year andit was my last.
It was my last three monthswhen we finally decided to get
married and when I got back ittook us about two months to get
married.
At that point.
(07:08):
Prior to that, we had beentogether for about four or five
months and then I went to Korea.
So we were together about ayear and a half prior to
actually getting married, but Iwas in Korea for a year.
So it was kind of like longdistance kind of for a year,
which not so much.
But the funny thing is when, uh, my wife is actually of korean
(07:29):
descent.
She's not korean, but she's ofkorean descent.
So, uh, when I first got back,like everybody was like, oh, you
brought one back with you, didyou?
Like?
No, she, she, she likesfootball, she's american, she's
from michigan people are.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
People are nuts about that.
But the other thing that getsme is the stepfather side of it,
because, like you said, youdon't use the word step and,
like for me, I grew up where mystepdad, he was more in my life
than my biological father and hetried to keep try to have my
biological father and I have arelationship.
But it wasn't really positivefor me to have that relationship
(08:19):
when my my stepdad, paul, hewas the one that hey, do this,
don't do this, stop messing offall this stuff, you know.
So the key benefits I find Ilearned in my life a lot of the
manhood things came from him andmy biological father was more
(08:40):
of.
This is not who you want to be.
This personality, this way oflife, of life.
I mean he made money, he, hemade good money, all this stuff,
he had nice stuff.
But once you get past thematerial things you realize
that's not the kind of life youwant if you have to be a
miserable person and angry andall this stuff.
(09:02):
So it was kind of kind of justan issue that I'm like.
You know, I find my stepdadgave me more to go off of than
my biological father.
That's, that's kind of whatattracted me to when you said
you were.
You have the um reluctantstepdad issue that you started
with and, as you just said, you,you're not a stepdad, you're a
(09:24):
dad.
So I kind of can understandthat full-heartedly yeah, I had
a stepfather as well.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
um, my, my dad, my real dad, was in my life, um,
but he, he wasn't a bad guy.
He just wasn't in my lifebecause of my mom, because my
you know, long story short, my,my mother, is currently in
prison.
She's like the most wretchedhuman being on planet Earth, you
know, it's just how she is.
So my stepdad, for many, manyyears, while growing up, my mom
(09:57):
made him out, my stepdad out, tobe like some martyr, you know
very violent, mean, so on and soforth forth, which it turned
out as I'm older.
Now he's not, he's a super niceguy, and my dad, uh, she made
him out to be like a loser.
You know stuff like that whichnow I look at my dad and my
dad's he's not.
You know, he's super nice guy.
(10:19):
He uh multiple businesses,stuff like that's just like a
serial entrepreneur, makes money.
And the majority of his exitfrom our lives growing up was my
mother's fault.
She kind of made that happenand made it look like it was his
fault.
My stepdad was a little bitmore aggressive, but my mom made
(10:45):
it seem to be much more than itreally was.
He did spank and stuff likethat, but he never actually hit
us or did anything like that, soshe just made it seem like that
all the time, although one timemy stepdad I mean the people
can't see it, but you may beable to see it I got a scar
somewhere like right here.
My stepdad backhanded me with apair of large pliers Not on
(11:06):
purpose, that's what I was goingto say.
My mom made it seem like andtold everybody it was on purpose
, but it was actually anaccident.
He turned and just happened tohave them in his hand.
It cracked me in the head Ithink I was like five.
That's about the only thingthat ever happened.
My stepdad was a good man.
(11:26):
He's still still pretty goodman.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
I still talk to him now and then it's worth sledding
man Cause it just kind of.
It just kind of just feels likeyou know people, people who
step into situations wherethere's a void like that, become
scapegoats for stuff.
I'm like, okay, before it'skind of like simple mathematics
(11:49):
mathematics it was zero and nowit was five.
Like which one is better, zeroor five?
I'm gonna give some credit towhat's actually happening.
What's what's been done, what'sbeing built, even if it's not
to the level that you imagine inyour mind, if you fancied it,
at least give credit for what'sbeen done.
It's like I wrote that bookbecause I'm like that's not
what's happening.
These guys are getting the,they're getting scapegoated for
a lot of stuff and when peoplelike the other, the other spouse
(12:11):
, Jesus, Joe, they find a otherperson expendable or they want
to get an upgrade you know whatI'm saying?
You hear all kinds of this tothis credit and this fame place.
It's not even cool because inall that's going on, nobody's
thinking about the kids.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Right.
So I got a question for you,seth, about that.
Sorry, I had to changelocations in my house.
It's kind of a chaotic day inthe household here, but I wanted
to be here to talk with youguys.
So, talking about the idea ofstepfather, like I know, I don't
know what your dynamic was inyour household when your three
daughters were young.
I don't know if they knew thatyou were their stepfather or
what I assume they did know thatyou were the stepfather, not
(12:48):
the biological father.
Yes, they definitely did.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Is that correct?
Yeah, they see the other guy,but not in the best of
conditions.
I think their attachment to thefamily was the freedom to do
things that they couldn't do athome.
So it wasn't really about him,it was about just being in that
area so they can have thatliberty to do things that you
know or be around people that weprobably wouldn't approve of.
(13:11):
So he was there, but he wasnever really present.
He was never.
He didn't take them to thestore and buy them candy.
He was not involved whatsoever.
He was involved in other thingsthat he pleasured himself with.
But they always knew that.
They knew there was a voidthere.
They were super happy at thewedding which was kind of thrown
(13:31):
together.
Just to be honest about it mywife tells the story better than
I do.
But the church that she was apart of I joined her there and
nobody really approved of us.
The whole church was like, eh,we want to be a part of it, we
don't approve, we don't approvedof us.
The whole church was like, eh,we want to be a part of it, we
don't approve, we don't approveof him.
He's from New York, we don'tknow where he's coming from, and
et cetera, et cetera.
So we just had a quick weddingin the church.
A very small handful of folkswas there, but the kids were.
(13:55):
I remember that very distinctly.
The girls were so excited, theywere so happy.
I didn't know why they werehappy at first, but they were so
happy Like, oh yes, you knowwhat I'm saying.
I didn't know that they hadsome other ideas about what they
can do.
Now.
I didn't test that in theinterim.
I was like okay, so I was justhappy to be there and be a part
(14:15):
of this and be a part of theirlives and them a part of mine.
So they knew To answer yourquestion, Tommy no-transcript
(14:50):
that.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
How did you counteract that like kind of
lack of credibility as astepfather?
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Okay, great question, man.
I think most of that came fromthe people who were on the well,
on both sides of the family, tobe honest with you the maternal
side and the paternal side Ikind of felt like, oh, rather
than deal with the fact thatthis gentleman dropped the ball
in an epic way and abandoned hisresponsibility, rather than
(15:17):
deal with that part, it was justeasy.
I was more accessible.
I was there, I was going to theschools, I was going to the PTA
, I was at everything All daywith saddles.
I was there, I was going to theschools, I was going to the PTA
, I was at everything All daywith saddles.
I was always there.
It was easier to attack me thanto attack the unknown, faceless
person.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Yeah, you were the target Right exactly.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
So that came from both sides of the family.
Now I'm from New York, so I'malready a fighter by trade.
I was fighting when I came outof the womb.
I'm ready for it.
No gloves, bare knuckles, let'sdo this.
But that's just where I comefrom.
So I fought a lot of that stuff,not physically but in other
ways, but on the other side ofit, as far as the credibility
(15:55):
goes, I mean, honestly I'm nothaving a background to
understand what it means to be afather or in stepfatherhood.
I have no idea.
I didn't read any books.
I didn't know what to do withthat.
All I knew was the best thing Icould do was just be me.
That was my best answer.
I may not be the one that youget clinically, but that was my
(16:15):
best answer.
Just be the best me that I canbe in this situation.
It's kind of been a mantra formy life for decades.
Now, just be the best me, afterme be.
I know that I had a lot ofgrowing to do because I had no
background, no experience.
Everything I seen from my hoodwas awful.
So I'm like, yeah, I don't wantto do that, that, that or that.
So I was just trying to figureout.
How do I, how do I, how do I dothis in?
(16:42):
You know who they need to bepresident or CEO of a company or
whatever they're going to growup to become.
So I don't know if I reallyhave a great answer for that,
tom.
I just kind of feel like I haveto just try to be me and all
this stuff.
Try to learn.
Learn from my mistakes.
Learn when I you know if I'mgoing too far with the
discipline or if I need to backoff and have a little grace and
(17:04):
understand the mediums.
Know when they're playing usagainst each other, you know.
Just understand what'shappening and just be aware and
learn, make adjustments and notjust be so rigid that I can't
see that.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
You know, maybe it's time for a pivot so I honestly I
think I mean honestly I have alittle bit of an answer for you,
tom, on that with how mystepdad did it, you know,
because me and my brother we hada sister that was his, but me
and my brother were not his, youknow.
And so he was our stepdad butnot hers.
(17:35):
So there, that lack ofcredibility like you talk about
could have been there, but itactually never ended up becoming
part of our thing.
And one of the ways I think andI don't know if he did it
specifically like he thoughtabout it prior to becoming a
stepfather or if that's just howhe was I never really discussed
that with him, but the way heheld his credibility with us as
(18:00):
the authority figure in thehouse the father stuff like that
is the authority figure in thehouse, the father stuff like
that is he was never off hisgame, never Like I never caught
him off his game, not once, notever, didn't matter.
And one of the one of the thingswas if he said it, it was true,
(18:20):
it was done.
You know what I mean.
So if he said you do that again, I'm going to whoop your ASS.
And it did.
And he only said it once andonce, every time, for the entire
time that I knew the guy, henever, not once, said anything
or told me not to do something,or yelled at me twice, Not once.
If he said it and I did itagain, he did exactly what he
said immediately, every singletime.
(18:41):
And I mean he's, I, I know himto be true to this day to still
be like that.
Granted, he's, you know, I'm 40years old, he's no longer an
authority figure for me, but youknow, still, um, he, his
personality is still like that.
So I, I would say that's how hedid it.
I'm not saying that's howeveryone does it, but his
credibility came from the factthat he held credibility all the
(19:02):
time in his own self as a man.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
OK if I add something to this.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
I didn't think about this as being credible.
I guess my whole motivation wasjust to just kind of be
authentic and do me.
But some of you said somethingfor me, One of the things that I
don't know what year it was,but it was very early on.
I recognize it was somethingthat was I guess it wasn't a
father and daughter dance.
It was something that you knowyou want to invite the family to
.
I just remember if it was agraduation, what it was, and I
(19:32):
think he put a go down.
They put a go down one weekendto spend time with him and he he
no, showed him that the firsttime.
It was the first time that Isaw it.
He no, showed him.
And that was my first timeseeing them react in a way, I
guess, where they seemed to behurt by it.
So it wasn't because of this,but it kind of added a little
(19:53):
fuel to the fire of what I wastrying to accomplish and I
realized that, okay, the voidthat they had because he didn't
show up, because he wasn'tpresent, because he wasn't—he
could have been a part of theirlife.
It wouldn't have hurt myfeelings.
I wouldn't have been trying tooppose it, as long as you're
keeping all the extracurricularsout of it, you're not putting
them in danger.
I'm good with it.
Go ahead, man, do you?
(20:13):
But for me, I think one of thethings I want to do is make sure
I loved their.
It kind of shows them you knowwhat that?
This is what it looks like andwhat it's going to be and what
we believe it's going to be foryou when you grow up and have a
husband.
This is what it's going to looklike To have a stable, loving
(20:35):
marriage.
I ain't going away for hours.
I'm coming back.
I ain't going to go get somecigarettes.
I'll never come back.
I'm coming back home everynight.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
I show up.
That's one of the best thingsyou can do for your children is
to love their mother.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
It's fascinating because listening to you guys
talk, there's kind of two thingsthat I've kind of picked up.
On One, it almost seems like,if you turn the question on its
head right, being a biologicalfather, that natural credibility
that comes along with it couldeasily be used as a crutch right
, whereas as a stepdad you don'thave that opportunity.
You have to, you have to standon your own.
And it kind of goes back to acore principle of my own
(21:11):
personal philosophy is the ideaof being a man of high character
and kind of everything fallsinto place beyond that.
It's like a domino effect,right, and so you touched on
that too.
Being a stepfather, you know, ifyou're a man of high character,
you kind of naturally developthat credibility.
And what you talked aboutYousef, with him not being
present, he's a man of lowcharacter and so inevitably he
(21:31):
actually created a vacuum intheir life that you were able to
take I don't want to say takeadvantage of, but that you were
able to utilize to your benefit,right, where you can kind of
step in and fill that space.
And now you become therepresentation of a good father,
right, and it doesn't come frombad mouthing him, it just
simply comes from stepping upwhen he doesn't.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
You know it never happened.
I never said one bad word aboutit.
I mean, I had, I had, I hadmaterial.
I could have had a comedyroutine last me 10 years.
So his life, that's what it wasabout.
I never.
I never used it.
I never used what I knew thatthey didn't even see some stuff.
I knew something they didn'teven know about.
(22:12):
I never used it.
I never said it in front ofthem, never ever.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
You just waited for him to slip.
You knew it would happen, andwhen it did, you were there.
I just wanted to be there,period.
I didn't care what thescripting stood.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
I was there.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
That's all it was about.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
It was never a competition because, honestly,
there really wasn't one.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 4 (22:32):
So let me ask you this, because going into an
instant family because that'swhat becoming a stepdad without
kids is is going into an instantfamily.
Sure, you went from allpeaceful probably a peaceful
apartment, quiet, all this.
I don't know what kind ofcraziness.
(22:53):
You lived beforehand, but youwould be able to.
Well, I understand that.
But the comparison roommatesyou can at least tell where to
go.
Kids, you don't have thatoption very often.
So, going from crazy roommates,crazy wild times, bachelor of
life to instant family, all thedifferences, all that comes to
(23:16):
that I know you probably went inwith a mindset of this is the
things I have to get ready todeal with.
What?
What was it that you found wasa surprise to you, that you
didn't really expect to be?
Because, like for me, as a dadthat's been there from birth to
it's my oldest is almost turningseven I've got, I've gotten
(23:39):
used to and, mind you, I'm stillgoing.
I'm an old dad, I guess is whatI've called, but because I'm 45
or so like that.
But the fact is is I've gottenused to because I've been
working with them since day one.
So it's not like I'm instantlyjumping in at this point where,
like when my mom comes to visit,she's thrown for a loop, even
(24:00):
though she's raised my brotherand I, because it's completely
different dealing with my sonand my daughter.
So, just jumping in from thepoint that you did, what did you
, I guess, realize or finddifferent for what you're used
to, what you expected and whatwas reality?
Speaker 3 (24:21):
This is a toughie, but it's a good one.
My wife would love to hear thispart of this because she loves
me to own this in front of otherpeople.
I'm owning it today.
It's public, it's live.
I think one of the things that Ididn't realize and I really
didn't figure it out untilprobably about 10 years ago,
which is not a great thing I'malready in my mid fifties
(24:41):
already, so I'm like I shouldhave already conquered this
already.
But I had trust issues that Ibought into this.
I didn't realize that I hadthat.
I wanted them to trust me, butI was like I didn't have any
secrets, but I was like guardedabout certain things with
everybody in the household.
I didn't realize when the kidsgot older and left and some left
early because they justcouldn't take a household of
(25:04):
discipline and spirituality andet cetera and rules.
They couldn't take all that.
So there's a lot of them leftearly.
But I didn't realize when itwas just me and the wife here
that I'm like I'm still guarded,I'm still protecting myself
from my best friend in the wholeworld.
Why is that happening?
So that was a revelation for me, because when I had the
roommates, that made sense.
(25:25):
They leave my checkbook layingaround for you bums, who knows?
Speaker 4 (25:28):
what might happen.
You know what?
Speaker 3 (25:29):
I'm saying that made sense to me.
I didn't leave my walletsitting around.
I know you, but I ain't leavingmy wallet sitting around.
I know you, but I don't trustyou like that.
You know I get that.
It's just one eye open.
I mean, I did that sometimeswith somebody's roommate.
I'm like I don't know what'shappening.
But in this case, you know, I'mnot.
I'm with my best friend andit's just her and I in the house
and I'm still guard.
I'm still protecting myselffrom what might happen.
(25:52):
That's, that's unhealthy.
So it took a little while tofigure it out.
Some things happened with usthat made me like, oh wow, I
didn't realize I was in thatstate.
So we're talking about about 10years ago that I just started
figuring that out at all thetime we've been married.
So that was a big revelation.
But it was a breakthrough,because now I'm like you know
what?
I can turn my back and she gota sharp object behind her and I
don't.
I'm just like, hey, I'm in thisfor the long haul.
(26:14):
We are here.
I left my hometown andeverybody I knew to come down
here into the South, which islike a dichotomy all by itself.
Why would you do that?
I came down here and stayed.
I didn't go back.
I had a couple opportunities togo back.
I'm out of this place.
This place is nuts.
I stayed.
So it was just aboutrecognizing that when you love
(26:36):
somebody and you're all in, youknow some of it's blind.
You don't know what's going tohappen, you can't see the future
.
You just you know I'm here.
I'm here for this and I thinkthat was a big part of even
though our children may neversee it right now in front of us,
they've been watching that.
I got my mom and my sister theyall still live in New York and
they're surprised when we havean anniversary.
(26:57):
I told them it's ouranniversary.
I'm like how many years has itbeen?
It's been that many years?
It's been that many years youain't keep me trying.
Speaker 4 (27:07):
You know what.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
I'm saying but it's just a testament that it's not a
fly-by-night thing, becauseI've had that kind of history.
I'll be honest about it.
I've started stuff and stoppedand never finished it,
especially back home in New Yorkand I was doing music and
everything.
I was starting stuff and neverfinished things.
I'm finishing and we're goingalmost into 30 years Next year.
I'm like we're finishing this.
(27:29):
So this is like this is.
It was a good testimony forthem.
And the girls are saying youknow what this is, what it looks
like when a man stays, when hedoesn't quit and he doesn't give
up, when he honors hiscommitments, when he has
integrity and he stays.
And I end up post-abort forthat, because I mess up a whole
bunch of times.
But I want to at least showthat part because I feel like
that's in me to do that.
(27:50):
So I hope that makes sense.
But that's kind of just the wayI was with it.
Speaker 4 (27:53):
Makes sense to me.
Now there's also the fact of wetalked before we started
recording this that you actuallyare diving into a whole new
thing with a nonprofit becauseof your being the stepdad.
All this, which, being a dad,the whole experience as it
(28:14):
personally, I think everyonehere has discovered that being a
dad drives you to do things younever thought you'd do before.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
Ain't that the truth?
Amen?
Speaker 4 (28:22):
And well, like, look at Mr Pancakes trying to bring
traditional back to familieswith with morning, sunday
morning breakfast, which I'mstill trying to push him to
create a pancake recipe book.
Tom earn her respect, bringingmen back to being respectful so
(28:44):
that their wives respect him asmuch, so that he has a good
family.
And then me, I just like totalk as much as I can.
So with that, you and MrCampion, both are starting
nonprofits to help bringfamilies to be more productive,
be better.
How did that happen for you?
What actually clicked in youthat said, I have to create this
(29:07):
?
Speaker 3 (29:08):
Well, part of it came from a dream.
I've always had an affinity forthe next generation.
I wanted to see them come up.
I was a former life coach andbusiness coach for several years
.
I had my own practice andeverything.
So I was always thinking aboutthe impact of our current
actions and how it affects thefuture and how we deal with the
(29:29):
current if we don't deal withthe past first.
So I've always dealt with thatkind of stuff.
But it started with a dream andwe started seeing logos and
designs.
I'm like I knew this was biggerthan us.
I'm like we have a dream, butit's like this is something
different about this one andwhat came out of it was save the
(29:54):
children sc.
Uh.
Essentially the non-profitthing is is in, uh in play.
Mr pancakes kind of scared me alittle bit with that number.
He dropped offline like howmuch it costs to start
application.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
I'm still gonna do it somehow it's a pain in the butt
.
Speaker 3 (30:06):
I'm going to figure it out.
I think it has to happen.
I was trying to go outside ofthe 501c3 route, but I don't
think I can avoid it because ofthe magnitude of what we're
trying to do, so we're going tobite the bullet and step into it
you can get a non-profit andhave a non-profit without the
501c.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
You just get a nonprofit and have a nonprofit
without the 501c.
You just get a normal EIN, yeah, but you have to pay taxes.
So every time somebody donatesmoney to you, you have to pay
taxes.
So if they give you $100, youhave to pay $22 or whatever the
tax is, whatever the tax rate ison that.
So that's why you get the 501cand you got to read about 501c's
(30:46):
, because I mean there's alaundry list.
So there's 501c threes, thenthere's 501c fours.
Threes have a laundry list ofall like probably 200 different
styles and different things todo, and the 501c fours are all
designed specifically for, like,education and churches.
But you have to read becausethere's another laundry list of
(31:06):
like 300 different ways.
And why is?
You can do it and you have toselect just the right one and
pick the right one.
And you can.
You can call the irs and askthem about it and they'll help
you, supposedly, but it's yeah,it's a nightmare yeah, I, I need
help, but it's why I'm takingso long doing it.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
I need help with that .
Just being fully transparent.
I'm not good with that kind ofstuff, but basically the idea
was to promote several things.
I mean life skills, becauseI've seen so many young people
who just don't understand simplethings.
We talked about a little bit ofthat offline too.
They don't get it Stuff likefinancial literacy and how to
(31:47):
treat, uh, a lady and vice versa.
It's like they don't have it.
It should feel like it'sdeteriorating real fast and I'm
like I don't.
I'm the one person can't stopthis, uh, can't stop this train.
They seem to be on the tracksrolling this locomotive, but I
want to try.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
Not only do they not have it, they're being
confronted with the exactopposite, without question.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
So what we're trying to do is say the truth and see
to try to promote you know whatit means to restore family
values, traditional values.
In some ways they are biblicaland spiritual and conservative
in nature.
But that's that's where we are.
It is what it is.
So we try to get that, get thatgoing.
It's a work in progress.
The website is live right now.
(32:27):
Savethechildrensccom is alreadyup.
The camps and the skillsclasses are in progress.
We're not there yet, but we'reworking on that part.
There's merch out there too, onthe site.
I'm not really concerned aboutthe merch so much.
It's just a way to kind of justsupport what we're trying to
accomplish and send the messageout.
Word of mouth and everything,uh.
(32:48):
But everything you guys beentalking about in in all three of
the stories that you guysshared with me today, all those
things are the kind of thingthat I'm honestly, I'm shocked.
I'm sitting here on this panelwith you guys today.
I'm my mind is blown.
I'm like you can't, you can't,you can't create this kind of
situation.
You might.
Might think you guys mightthink it was chance.
Oh, just lucky, you found me onmatch.
(33:08):
No, that's not what happened.
This is bigger than thatEverything you guys are talking
about is exactly something thatwe're trying to accomplish
through Save the Children.
There's nothing.
It's not separate whatsoever.
There's a lot of synchronicityin this, so I'm excited about
that, because I want to supportyou guys as well.
So I have a question for you?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Yeah, no, you're good .
So, with the idea that you'recoming up with with your
nonprofit and stuff, the thingsthat you plan to do, do you?
So?
I guess it's a multi-partquestion question Do you intend
(33:48):
to just be for like any type ofparents, normal parents, or do
you intend to focus towards stepparents you know connections or
biological parents or just both?
Overall?
The reason, the reason I ask is, I mean, you know, and I'm
going to play devil's advocatehere on the negativity towards,
you know, step parents.
Um, there there is the wholeidea of the Cinderella effect.
That is a.
It's a real thing.
(34:08):
The Cinderella effect has beenstudied.
There's a few studies I wasreading about it, um, where they
say that the number onepredictor in child abuse is
whether there's a step parent inthe home or not.
And if there is, that meansthey're more than likely will be
.
Um, there has been severalstudies.
The majority of the studies aredone by the exact same people,
(34:31):
so you can almost guaranteethere's some sort of bias, you
know.
So it doesn't necessarily meanit's true, but they say the
first one was like seven timesmore likely for child abuse, and
this was done in the 70s.
And then they did another one alittle bit later, like in the
(34:51):
80s and it was in the 40s, like40 times.
And then they did another onelater on and they said today
it's more, so closer to thehundreds, it's 100 times more
likely to be abused by astep-parent.
But they don't go into a lot ofdetail with some things, you
know.
I mean it's like, you know, the, the one person came up with
something like a picture ofwhether you're gonna get bitten
(35:12):
by sharks if you go in the ocean.
You know, they do the study andall the people in the ocean,
and they say, well, you know, ofcourse those people got bit
because they were in the ocean.
So you take this amount ofpeople and so many people are in
the ocean, well, they don'tcount all the people that
weren't in the ocean.
You know what I mean.
So it's the same concept.
So there's definitely going tobe a solid bias.
(35:35):
I know the NIH, the NationalInstitute of Health, granted
their credibility in the toilettoday.
Toilet today, you know.
But I wonder why they did one,as they did one as well.
So they also did one recently.
So that that was my, myquestion.
Uh, with the cinderella effectand the whole ideology behind
(35:56):
the cinderella effect,negativity towards, you know,
step parents and abuse and stufflike that um does.
Do you you intend to worktowards like maybe uh getting
step parents that are havingthat trouble and families that
have that trouble and maybeconnect them a little bit better
, find ways, you know, doinglike you said, uh doing
in-person things like little uhclasses or uh what you call them
(36:19):
, where you get the families,the step parent and the child to
actually connect?
You know, because I thinkthat's one of the largest things
that they were saying is theproblem, you know, the the step
parent doesn't have a connectionto the child and then when the
child obviously being 10 yearsold, like whatever, I don't want
to stay in my room.
You know what I mean.
So so I don't know this kid'sfreaking jerk, you know I, you
(36:41):
know.
So first thing you do is smackthe crap out of it and say you
know, stop.
So I understand where the ideacomes from.
But they don't have abiological connection to their
child, so I guess that's wherethat ideology comes from.
I'm just curious about your.
Speaker 3 (36:58):
That's an awesome question.
I'm doing my best to try toanswer.
Hopefully I'm smart enough toanswer that question.
That was a really intelligentquestion.
What I tried to do with thesite.
If you look at it you can kindof see some of the wording.
It's not anything sinisterabout it.
I tried to have the wording onthe website to be general enough
for us to have room to expandand to do things within that,
(37:21):
without being too specific.
And then I'm trapped in thatlanguage and I can't do anything
.
So, yes, the emphasis is on thechildren specifically, but you
can't emphasize the children andnot emphasize the parents.
It's kind of I'm hoping it'simplied.
I don't know if we have to saythat specifically, but I think
it's kind of implied.
Aside from little rascals, kidsdon't walk around without adult
(37:44):
supervision.
Very often kids don't walkaround without adult supervision
.
Very often they don't go to thestore and jump on buses and
trolleys together like littlerascals, like where's your
parents?
So, that's weird.
So it's implied that I wantthem to be involved in the
process, without question.
I can't really ignore thestep-parenting part.
I feel like I'm not being loyalBecause what I went through I
mean, honestly, I wrote the book.
(38:05):
If you can't read the book now,I'm working on trying to get
that put out again with adifferent publisher.
But a lot of it was hell, justto be honest about it.
I went through hell with thatsituation, so there's no way I
can ignore people who are inthat situation right now.
I got to include them.
It wasn't even an afterthought.
Yeah, I got to include them.
It wasn't even an afterthought.
(38:26):
Yeah, I gotta include them.
Now we do have the right todecline working with some
parents.
If this is a situation that wedon't really agree with, I'll
let you deal with theunderstanding behind that.
We can talk about it offline,but there's some things that I
can't coach and associate with,because I don't really agree
with what you're doing and howit impacts the child.
(38:47):
So, yeah, we have the right toreserve the right to not be a
part of that.
But beside that, yeah, I meanstep parents and biologicals.
Yeah, I mean this is.
This is something I wanted tobe involved with, because these
kids are going back home withyou.
I need you to understand whatthey're learning.
I mean they learn something inschool and to understand what
they're learning.
I mean they're learning stuffin school and who knows what
(39:07):
they're getting?
I mean the new math.
I don't know what they'relearning right now.
You know what I'm saying?
Common core, I mean you name it.
They got stuff going on outthere.
But I want you to be a part ofthis, because I believe this is
the kind of stuff that this islife skills you can teach the
toddlers coming up when they oldenough to understand they can
(39:28):
learn the same things too.
So I hope to answer thequestion.
That was like I said, it was agreat question.
I think my answer was probablyless than what you might have
been looking for, but I just Itried to do my best.
Did I did?
I?
Did I touch it?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (39:38):
yeah, that was I around it in the I would say,
more of an overall you.
You have the options to helpwith step-parents as well as
regular parents as well.
That's good.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
I have to.
I could be a lawyer if I didn'tbecause they're out there.
A lot of people don't show up.
It's not just fathers, Mothersdo.
They don't show up for theirkids.
They're not present and somepeople are single In the end
it's about the children Everytime.
Speaker 2 (40:03):
In the end it's about the children.
Every time In the end it'sabout the children In the end.
Yes, sir, that's one thing Itell my wife.
When we first met, you knowboth of us were the same way.
You know my daughter's numberone no matter what Daughter's
number one.
You know we were both that wayand it took me maybe a couple
years to kind of realize no,she's not my daughter's number
(40:28):
one, but she can't be number onein order to be number one.
Unfortunately it's a weirdthought, but my wife is number
one and in order for my daughterto get the most and the most
benefit, my wife needs to benumber one.
We figured that out In the endit's about her, but right now
it's not.
Speaker 3 (40:44):
We were in the worst challenge of our entire marriage
before we figured that out.
We were in a fire with gasolinedrawers.
We were in trouble.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Because you two fight when it's about a kid all the
time.
Speaker 3 (40:59):
We thought it was both about our peace and then
making them happy.
This is a horrible strategy.
It's all about making a kidhappy, not each other, and we
were not happy.
In the middle of our livingroom back in Columbia, we joined
hands in the middle of the roomand we prayed and we said you
know what, no matter whathappens, me and you are in this
together.
I started this with you andthis is ending with you.
(41:21):
It's just me and you.
I don't care what nobody elsesays about us.
As long as me and you are onthe same page, we're going to
stop.
We can do anything.
And that was the turning pointfor our marriage.
My wife was here.
She would tell you the sameexact thing, that one point by
day.
It wasn't the wedding ring, itwasn't the, it was none of that
stuff.
It was that moment in thatliving room.
So you know what?
What?
(41:41):
We are under assault right now.
Everybody's coming after us,and I mean everybody.
Nobody was on our side aboutwhat we were doing and we were
heading.
And we said as long as you andI are together in this, as long
as you and I, we can't bestopped.
We are unstoppable.
And when that happened, we'vebeen like a freight train ever
since.
Speaker 4 (41:59):
We don't care what our kids say.
Speaker 3 (42:01):
Who lies about us.
We don't care.
I'm like no, this is the UnitedFront and you ain't breaking
through it.
This is the tag team.
This is the Royal Warriors.
We're going to winchampionships.
If you get in the way, we'regoing to mow you down, Simple.
Speaker 4 (42:15):
And when that?
Speaker 3 (42:15):
happened.
Our attitude just changed.
We were like that's it, andthat was a turning point for
everything.
So what you said, I love it,but they can't be number one,
they can't be number two orthree.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
In the end, it's about the children.
Yeah, not now.
Now it's about the husband andwife, and it has to be because
you got to think about it.
If you two are arguing all thetime, what's the kid gaining
Misery, right?
So they're not, they're in turnnot getting number one.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
And evidence.
We had the same experience.
We kind of realized that, uh,you know, there's there's a,
there's a there's like kind ofthis beautiful aspect to uh
marriage.
I mean, at the end of the day,you know, there's the old adage,
you can't choose your family.
Well, that is true, except foryour wife.
Your wife is the one familymember that you have chosen and
there's a lot of power in thatright.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
Yeah, and that's a decision in a man's life copy
that.
Speaker 1 (43:09):
Oh, yeah, easy, yeah easy.
And it's an, it's an agreement,it's a, it's a it's.
You've made a vow, right, youhave devoted yourself to this,
to this agreement with this,with this woman, and you know, I
would say that, like as a baselevel, right, when it comes to a
man of good character, at abase level, if you cannot keep
your marriage vows, then I thinkeverything else falls apart.
(43:32):
No doubt I agree.
Speaker 4 (43:35):
You know we've covered a ton of area here.
I mean it's just trying tothink back of everything we've
discussed.
It's been a wide range frombecoming a stepfather, becoming
more than just as a stepfathernot letting the stepfather take
the step out of the father, asyou say you do and then marriage
the 501Cs that you and MrPancake are having fun with.
(43:59):
I need encouragement.
Help me, so I mean AI.
That's the best advice I cangive you, it'll kill us all, but
it won't kill us today.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
Use it today, because it'll eventually kill us all,
but we're not there yet.
Speaker 1 (44:19):
Yeah, I've used it to draft things before Draft
rental contracts and draft it.
Speaker 3 (44:24):
It is very useful.
Show me how to do that, tell me.
Speaker 2 (44:29):
So so if you're writing, if you're writing your
uh cause you have, you have towrite your bylaws and you have
to write your uh articles ofincorporation for, for your, so
you can get your incorporation.
And then you got to do that,yep, and then you got to write
your bylaws for the nonprofit initself.
And the bylaws are very theyhave to be specific because if
(44:50):
you know anything aboutnonprofits, nonprofits you don't
own a nonprofit.
The public owns a nonprofitbased on how it's designed.
So as though most of you guysknow what's that news guy, he is
James O'Keefe.
He had that one Project Veritas.
He was the founder and CEO ofProject Veritas for like years
(45:14):
and the board pushed him out.
It was his, it was nobodyelse's.
They booted him.
He's no longer part of it.
You know what I mean.
So it very easily can becomenot yours anymore.
So you have to write in thebylaws very unique language and
definitely use AI to do that.
Speaker 3 (45:32):
I'd be waiting for you guys' emails or texts to
tell me how to do it.
I'm speaking Greek to aFrenchman.
I have no idea what that means.
Speaker 4 (45:40):
I'll tell you what.
This is obviously something wecan go in more detail between
all of us after this, becausethere's a whole list that Mr
Pancake has that personally Ihave no idea about, and you guys
might work better togethertalking to each other, but let's
do this.
Where do people find you if theywant to reach out to you?
(46:02):
Because you have a laundry listof places people can reach you,
or at least accounts that I sawfor you.
Where do you want people toreach out to you, yusuf, to
build like to contact you withquestions, with whatever.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
Okay, well, not TikTok I'm not doing that
anymore, I'm not going back butwe do have a YouTube channel.
Everything is at.
They call me Mr U M-I-S-T-A-Y-U, except for Twitter, that's
M-R-Y-U, but you can find usthere.
We are taking questions.
Anybody who listens to theaudio versions of our show, of
(46:37):
course Apple Podcasts, amazonMusic, spotify, those things you
can find us there.
If it's just video, the YouTubechannel is probably the best
place.
If you got social, you can findme on Instagram and Facebook
and Twitter too, but the YouTubechannel is probably the best
place, for all of our stuff iscurrently being housed and
categorized.
I got somebody to help me makeit look right.
It's all good right now.
(46:57):
Of course, I'm open to emailstoo.
They call me MrU at gmailcom.
I can take emails there as well.
I do answer questionsperiodically coaching, parenting
, et cetera.
It does come to me, but that'swhere you can find us.
We've been doing this for aboutfour years and it's starting to
look better and better, so I'mexcited about where things are
(47:17):
headed.
So, and all the collaborationslike this we call with dads and
you, fine gentlemen, I'm likethis is just I.
I'm excited about 2025, sohopefully you can continue to
tune in and listen to what wehave to put out there and
hopefully it's making adifference sounds good and tom
tom.
Speaker 4 (47:33):
Where can people find you if they want to ask you
questions or get to know youmore?
Speaker 1 (47:38):
yeah, so I'm always available.
On x at earn her respect.
You guys will find all my, allmy content, all my musings.
You can also direct message methere if you'd like.
I'm working on a few projectsas well that are kind of going
to be coming out here.
I don't know, next six, sevenmonths or so We'll see, but I've
got a nonfiction book and achildren's book that are both in
(47:58):
the works and, really taking mytime, I want to make sure that
those are just right when Irelease them.
So those are in the works too.
But, yeah, those are are justright when I release them.
Speaker 3 (48:08):
So, um, so those are in the works too, uh, but yeah,
yeah, on x is primarily my whereyou'll find me.
I'm following you there, by theway, so already following you,
oh, thanks.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
Yeah, if I have to have to check out, to check the
link and and see I haven't had achance to browse your twitter
yet, but I'm excited to see whatyou got.
X not Twitter.
Speaker 3 (48:23):
I'm still calling it Twitter.
I kind of can't help it.
I'm rebelling against the wholeX thing.
Speaker 4 (48:35):
Mr Pancakes, how about you?
Speaker 2 (48:36):
Yeah, so you know obviously the main place,
pancakeswithyourdadcom.
You'll find tons of resources.
There's lots of articles andblog posts to read with all
kinds of information.
There's cool downloads forwoodworking so you can connect
with your kid.
It's all free.
You know plenty, plenty of coolmerch.
(48:57):
Definitely, buy some merch.
Check out some stuff.
We have all kinds of shenanigansand nonsense.
Some cool stuff, someshenanigans, um, but definitely,
uh, the more you buy the, thethe profit from it helps us buy
things like my cool mic here anddifferent stuff like that helps
us continue keeping onproviding as much information to
you guys as physically possible.
(49:17):
Um, on there you'll have all mysocials, you know, uh, x, uh,
facebook, instagram, linkedin,true Social.
Those are the main placesyou'll find me.
To be honest, I've beenlackluster on content and
connection on there, for goodreason.
I'm definitely working onsomething, obviously talking
about the nonprofit deal.
(49:38):
It's a big thing in works.
It's a lot of work, so it'sdefinitely taking up a majority
of my time, um, as well as someother stuff.
I want to take up some time offwith the family anyways.
So, um, not releasinginformation on it yet just
because I don't want to get eggon my face when it doesn't work
out makes sense.
Speaker 4 (49:59):
So obviously you can go to callwithdadscom.
If you you're listening to theshow, you should at least know
how to spell call with dads andjust add a dot com at the end of
it.
Logically, I mean, you wouldthink, call with dads.
We basically have where you canfind Mr Pancakes, tom.
We have their bios on there aswell, with links to their all
(50:22):
their socials and their websitesand what so have you so you can
reach out to them as well, withlinks to all their socials and
their websites and what so haveyou so you can reach out to them
.
You can also go to homestercom,which is a homeschooling
website that we've just startedthat is building up curriculums
and building up different peoplecoming on board to help add
different courses for people tolearn.
We're hoping that it becomes amuch bigger thing that allows
(50:46):
homeschoolers to have a future,to get away from public schools
and make homeschooling easier.
That's the theory behind it.
So, with that being said, weappreciate everyone being here.
We appreciate everyonelistening.
Follow us, tell people about us, make sure that you share what
you hear, because not everyoneknows about us, which is a shame
(51:07):
.
So, with that being said, thankyou.
Hold on, yousef, if you would.
This is the end of theconversation for everybody else,
but for us, we'll talk a fewminutes more see you guys.
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