The Mens Round Table Series - "The Challenge of Connection" - One on One with Mista Yu

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
1, 2, even now, around the world, men like us
that have issues and realstruggles, real mountains to
climb.
We come together once a monthand we talk about those issues
in this safe space that we callthe Men's Roundtable Series.
So I'm excited.
I'm Mr U I guess I'm yourmoderator, your host, all these
awesome men sharing lives andbring some stuff down and get

(00:46):
transparent and have a good time, and so I'm excited to be here
with you guys.
All right, quick introductionyour name, where you're from and
what are you doing.
Let's go, jacob.

Speaker 2 (00:56):
All right, yeah, my name is Jake Seabock, a men's
coach and a speaker, a men'sgroup leader and the founder of
Modern Manhood, where wechallenge traditional notions of
manhood and get men connectedmore deeply with the people that
they love by helping themconnect with themselves.
And then, just yesterday, Ilaunched moderndayquestcom,

(01:19):
which is what I'm super stokedabout.
It's my seven-step journey thathelps you move from a state of
disconnection to showing upauthentically in a life that
feels like your own, doing whatyou actually want to be doing.

Speaker 1 (01:33):
I love that.
I love that.
What were you next brother?

Speaker 3 (01:37):
Thank you.
Thank you for having me on man.
I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 (01:39):
It's great to see all you guys that I've interviewed.

Speaker 3 (01:42):
I think I've interviewed almost everybody on
this panel so far, which isreally, really cool.
Um, yeah, my name is RoryPaquette.
I, uh, I have three podcasts.
I've written two books, uh.
And um, I'm a life coach formen.
I work with veterans also andum, I also coach podcasting, uh,
to anybody who wants it, man orman or woman.
And um, my flagship, myflagship project, is Power of

(02:04):
man podcast.

Speaker 1 (02:05):
That's my biggest and my best, and it's the one
that's the most near and dear tomy heart.
Other than that man, I'm justhappy to be here.
I love the Power of man podcast.
I wish I could be on there oncea week.
I love it like that.
Really good stuff.
Brian, you're next brother,come on.

Speaker 4 (02:18):
Hey everyone, thanks for having me.
I'm Brian Kurian.
I am the owner of BrianKurian's Business Services.
We offer premium ghostwriting,grant writing and business
consulting to entrepreneurs andindustry experts.
So typically one of the biggestpillars that we offer is
writing or ghostwriting books,business-oriented books or

(02:39):
memoirs, again for entrepreneursand industry experts.
Those are typically my peopleor my tribe, but we do work with
a lot of nonprofits as well andsmall to medium businesses as
well.
So thanks for having me Excitedto share my insights.

Speaker 1 (02:53):
And that man has just become a two-time dad.
All this stuff in the mediaabout men and what men don't do
this man is doing his business.
He's taking care of hisbusiness.
They're all men out here thatare all doing that.
Ryan's a great example of that.
Lee, you're up next man.
Go ahead, lee.

Speaker 5 (03:07):
Hi, I'm Lee Freeberg.
I'm an author, not a coach.
I'm a product designer.
I'm in the process of startingmy own business called Freeberg
Design and Automation, whichI'll develop products and bring
them to the market, license themout.
I've also authored a bookcalled how to Live a Better Life
.
I believe that these areinformation things that are not

(03:29):
taught in school anymore, andit's directed at teenagers and
mom and dads.
I'm also in the process ofwriting a second book called how
to Be a Better man, where Iaddress the weak man all the way
to being the strong man, thefather, the leader of the home.
That should be coming out nextyear sometime.
I'm still in kind of a writingprocess of that Former Navy.

(03:52):
I was in the Navy for eightyears, went to Iraq in 2007 with
the EOD Explosive OwnersDisposal and then just kind of
been just working on my journeysince then.
That's my story.

Speaker 1 (04:04):
I love hearing about the week man.
Hopefully we get a chance tohear that during this broadcast.
I can't wait for you guys tohear about that.
Nick, let's go baby.

Speaker 6 (04:12):
Hey, I'm Nick Ferloni .
I'm the founder of Valor andVision Coaching for men and
veterans.
I'm also the men's director andminister at my church locally
as well.
Director and minister at mychurch locally as well, and this
will be actually my secondmen's program at a church that
I've founded as well.
I'm a 13-year veteran in theArmy two tours to Iraq, ranger

(04:37):
paratrooper, all that good stuff.
So, yeah, my hips don't work asgood as they do.
You know, the jumping out ofairplanes kind of did me, did me
in a little bit.
But, you know, definitely hereto help men grow, uh, move
forward in life and then, on topof that, help them understand,
uh, who they are in Christ.
Uh that that identity struggleand definitely a lot of us that

(04:58):
you know transitioned out of themilitary, uh went through some
kind of identity struggle, andso I'm here to help you
understand that you didn't loseyour identity, you just
mislabeled it.
Wow, I love that.

Speaker 1 (05:11):
All right, big man, felice, you got a little bit of
feedback on your line, but talkto us, let's hear you.
You can figure out what's goingon.
No, can do, brother, go backout and come back in.
I'm going to let Peter talk andwe'll come back to you, all

(05:33):
right?
All right, mr Cater, go for it.

Speaker 7 (05:39):
Hi, I'm Peter.
I'm a farmer, slash preacher,slash book writer.
So my background is I wasliving in South Africa for 47
years, running a ranch for 27years and part-time preaching
and ministering at men'sretreats.
And I relocated to the US fouryears ago and I'm preaching and

(06:01):
I'm helping at men's retreatsand I'm running a farm for the
church.
So that's the short story.

Speaker 1 (06:08):
Very good stuff, man.
You are doing a fantastic jobon all of those fronts.
Man, we're excited to have allyou guys in the house.
My guy, felice, should be backin here in a little bit.
Hopefully we'll get him goinghere the great story too.
But let's kind of jump intowhat we're going to be here
talking about, man.
You guys know what's going onin our world.
You see what's happening.
You guys are talking to menacross the board, in your neck

(06:31):
of the woods, in your localcommunities and neighborhoods
and circles of influence.
You know what's going on.
I think, as a man, we got to ownthis particular topic.
Last month's topic had aprofound effect on a lot of
people, non men included.
But the challenge of connectionis it's so huge to me.
I want to jump into this assoon as we could, cuz we'll take

(06:53):
a lot of time probably to getthrough it.
But we got a problem withconnected man and it's.
I've yet to hear really goodanswers as to why that is.
So I'm gonna kind of open thefloor for you guys.
Talk about connection, yourexperiences with it, share some
stories.
I'll keep it as deep as you canso you can let other guys come
in If you've got to come backaround again, maybe know a hand

(07:13):
or something or, I guess, a handemoji, whatever works for you,
and we'll get back into it.
I want to hear everythingyou've got on connection so you
can start popcorn style.
Who wants to go first?
Man, let's go ahead and kick itoff.

Speaker 4 (07:28):
I can go first.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 (07:33):
Take a beat first and then talk.

Speaker 4 (07:36):
I gave everybody a second and nobody was timing it,
so I was like all right, let mebreak the silence here.
No I personally, I think one ofthe biggest challenges with
connection is it's kind of acouple, I guess, multifaceted
things.
So connection for me definitelybecame a bit more challenging

(07:59):
when I had my first kid he'sfive now.
That was during COVID as well.
First kid he's five now.
That was during COVID as well.
So you know, the world is kindof seeming to implode everywhere
around me and we decided tobring a kid into that.
So that was awesome, and so atthe time it couldn't have been
better, had to make adjustmentsand find unique ways to connect

(08:20):
with people.
And I think it can be even morechallenging as you get older in
this life if you're blessedenough to be able to get older
in this life Because as mentoday there's so much
responsibility on our shoulders.
It just kind of feels like it'snever ending.

(08:42):
You know so, between trying totake care of your family, for
those of us that have a businessor multiple businesses or hell,
even a career right, a day job,there's responsibility that's
attached with that too.
So it just seems like it's kindof like an endless list of
responsibilities.
So often it's easy at least ithas been, but I've gotten much

(09:03):
better with it over the last fewyears.
Often it's easy at least it hasbeen, but I've gotten much
better with it over the last fewyears.
It's easy to kind of putconnection and your own needs to
build that community and fosterand cultivate those types of
relationships on the back burnertime and time again, until,
unfortunately, with some of us,it gets to a point where you

(09:23):
don't have very many nurturingrelationships left.
You don't have hardly anybodythat's pouring into you anymore,
because you yourself haven'treally been pouring into anybody
else besides the people in yourhome and your loved ones.
Again, not to sound morbid, I'mjust a blunt person, but that

(09:44):
I've seen that happen with a lotof people I care about.
Um, the second they have a kidor launch a business or what
have you.
Or, god forbid, a parent startsgetting sick and they have to
maybe step, potentially stepinto that type of caretaker role
.
Or if your significant other, um, you know, gets ill or injured
or what have you, a lot of timeswe put ourselves on the back
burner and our own mental healthand relationships just don't

(10:08):
seem to be a priority whenthere's other people we love,
that we want to take care of,you know.
So we put everybody else first.
I've tried to do that time andtime again, but I also have had
to learn not to not to just letme fade away.
You know, and I've had to.
I've had to work on my ownself-awareness over the past few
years to to get better at that.

Speaker 1 (10:29):
You should have a few things I think are powerful,
man, but I want to hear fromsome of the other guys man,
who's up next?
Yeah, I think that's.

Speaker 6 (10:36):
Oh, I think you're hitting the nail on the head.
Or if you I mean at least ifyou're living in America, and
I'm I'm hearing it it's the sameacross the world really.
Uh, our economic situation hasbreeds those second and third
order effects where you know,we're charged to provide, you
know, and that's that's not justa Christian perspective, that's

(10:57):
across the world.
Um, you know what I mean?
That's just a cultural thingthat men are there to provide
and protect uh in the home, andso we have that idea of, oh my
gosh, we need to do this, butwe're having all these economic
pressures, Just like Brian said,we're going to give up of
ourselves to take care ofimmediately other secondary

(11:18):
things that we well, weprioritize them as secondary uh,
like community, like goodfellowship and friendship that
is there to pour into us, so wecan pour back into uh and also
not only just lead our home butlead our community.
Uh, because ultimately, I thinkwhen our communities get better

(11:39):
, um, everything gets a lotbetter instead of just our home.
If it stays within our, withinour four walls, uh, we're in a
hurt box wow.

Speaker 1 (11:49):
All right, rory, you're next yeah, thanks, man.

Speaker 3 (11:53):
Um, I I really agree with brian and nick, both and
everything.
Both you guys said I'm a emptynester.
Uh, you know father three andthey're all grown and gone, so
you know, I've kind of beenthrough a lot of what you guys
are talking about.
Uh, to answer the question,though, honestly, I think the
reason that we don't connecttoday is we can't.
As soon as we open ourselves upand I interview hundreds of men

(12:14):
for my podcast and I've heardthis a lot, it's a very common
theme as soon as you openyourself up, you get beaten with
it, you show weakness and itgets turned on you.
Your wives are out there saying, hey, I would love it if my
husband opened up more and hewould share more.
And then, as soon as we do,that's held against us and it's
weaponized.
We don't have enough safeplaces.

(12:37):
I think a lot of the guys inthis call are creating safe
places for guys to come togetheras brothers and say, hey, man,
this is what I'm dealing with,and you're talking to another
guy who's going yeah, I'mdealing with the same stuff.
How can we do better?
How can we handle this?
Because you know, at home withyour wife, with your kids.
You can never let them see youweak.
They would absolutely ratheryou die on your horse than fall

(12:59):
off.
And as soon as you let them seeyou weak, you've not only let
them down, but you've openedyourself up to persecution, and
I think there's a lot of thatbeing thought in our heads.
Whether it's true or not, orright or not, we're all facing
that, and so we need more safespaces, we need more
brotherhoods, like what a lot ofthese guys are creating, like
what I create, and so on and soforth, and I think that helps
change.

Speaker 1 (13:18):
Yeah, I love the mindset there, ward, and I hope
that what we're doing with thisis kind of accomplishing that in
our own little corner of theworld, because that was the
whole intent of this.
I've heard the same cries, man,and this is why we're doing
this, so hopefully you know, youcan let me know later offline
if it's going good or not, butthis is the idea, though.

(13:39):
All right, who's up next?

Speaker 2 (13:41):
Yeah, I can jump in.
I'll piggyback off of what Rorysaid there, because I think
you're looking at two differentthings here.
You can look at quantity or youcan look at quality of
connection and yes, quantity isscarce, there's no question
about that.
But that quality is what Rorywas talking about there.
One of my favorite coaches inthe popular space, his name, is

(14:12):
Joe Hudson.
He says we can't truly connectwith another person if we're
constantly managing theirperception of us, and it creates
this really interesting dynamicright Whenever I'm trying to
uphold a certain role oridentity or responsibility, I'm
not actually showing my trueself.
In my opinion, true connectionis about truly being seen as the
person I am and not the personI'm pretending to be.

(14:33):
So if I can't allow myself tobe seen for who I truly am, I'm
not going to feel connection,even if I'm sitting here talking
to you face to face.
There's a quote that I love.
It was E Lockhart who said thatlove is giving someone else the
power to destroy you andtrusting them not to use it, and

(15:00):
that can be a scary thing.
And allow ourselves to beaccepted for who we truly are.
We have the opportunity toactually feel connected to
another person in that reallyauthentic way.

Speaker 1 (15:12):
I love that.
All right, I want to give achance to let our police jump in
.
Police quick intro name citywhat you do.
And then the question we askedon the floor why do you think
men struggle with connecting?
So this is your time, brother,go ahead.

Speaker 8 (15:27):
Apologies everyone.
I don't know what's going onwith my blue Yeti lately.

Speaker 2 (15:30):
Any suggestions.

Speaker 8 (15:31):
Yeah Well, now I'm on my phone and Bluetooth, which
is, you know, it's not mymicrophone and you know.
But anyways, any suggestions?
Please leave it in the inbox.
It's given a buzzing sound.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't know if it's the court.

Speaker 1 (15:47):
Anyways, let me try not to take it.
You know what's next, brother,put it in there, oh Lord.

Speaker 8 (15:56):
Back to the iPhone and AirPods, but hopefully you
can hear me right.
My name is Felice Matthew.
I am a therapist, a chaplainand a consultant.
Felice Matthew, I am atherapist, a chaplain and a
consultant, and basically I helpcouples, leaders and
organizations speak clearly,listen effectively and connect
deeply.
I think communication poorcommunication is the number one
problem in any relationship.
I've seen that since I was anorphan at age 13.

(16:23):
And that's really what I'vebeen focused on for the last few
years.
So I don't think it gets talkedabout in depth enough, and I
think it needs to, because it'shard to have unity in any type
of relationship withouteffective communion.
Cation is what I like to say.
It's corny, but I like it.
It communicates the message Alittle bit.
You said, oh, lack ofconnection.
Yeah, man, look when you growup an orphan.

(16:46):
If you can picture a kidgrowing up an orphan, his mother
dies of HIV, never knew hisreal father.
A few months later, hisstepfather gets murdered in
Haiti.
A few months later, hisgranduncle dies Within a year.
I was an orphan.
If you can picture that kid,then everything that you can

(17:07):
Google about me today makessense, because I was thrown into
the world of relationships.
You know now, as a counselor, Iunderstand when trauma happens
to us.
We either go away from it or wego towards it.
What do I mean by that?
Well, my trauma was lack offamily.
So if I went away from it thenI'd have problem having any type
of relationships.
I'd have commitment issues.
It'd be very, very challengingto have a relationship.

(17:29):
But I've been married 15 yearsso I think I've mastered a
little bit the art of war.
But no, I became obsessed man.
I was a kid at 13 who had aNintendo controller in one hand
and men are from Mars and womenare from Venus in another hand.
Some of you might know thatbook.
If you know you're, you're upthere in age, but that's an

(17:50):
equivalent of probably the fivelove languages today.
You know that book was, was apillar to everything and I was
that 13 year old kid looking atthat and what I realized was
when you grow up under thecontext that God allowed me to
grow up to kind of produce in mewhat he wanted to produce in me
for his purpose, you realize alot of things.

(18:11):
And what you realize is thatpeople didn't deeply connect in
relationships, especially if youhad a lot of family, right.
You kind of take it for granted.
So here I was a kid with noblood relatives.
The only blood relatives I haveas a 41-year-old man, it's my
three-year-old son that'sturning four this year.
I realized that a lot of peopletake relationships for granted.

(18:33):
They don't connect, they don'tknow how to connect, they don't
know they're not connecting, andI was thrown into that world
and realized that it's just likesomebody mentioned I can't read
on this tiny iPhone I think itwas Jacob, but that was one of
my favorite quotes for a longtime.
Trust is giving someone thepower to destroy you, and
trusting Well love is givingsomeone the power to destroy you

(18:53):
and trusting them of not to.
That was one of my favoritequotes for a long time.
And the reason for lack ofcommunity is that a lot of
people are not willing to go tothat place.
Right, and to be fair, you know, I come from the belief that
we're all sinners, so everyrelationship is going to produce
some type of side effect of sinwhich is pride, arrogance, like

(19:14):
so many things that we can talkabout as side effects of sin
and that comes intorelationships and people are not
willing to go through that hurtanymore.
Right, people are not willingto go through that process of
can I trust you?
How much can I trust you, youknow?
Are you going to be there?
Are you just there because ofwhat I can do, what I can give?
Are you there when I can't giveyou?
That's a scary process, youknow.

(19:35):
And now you add social media,you add all the, you know the
climate, you add finances, youadd stress, you add all these
things, the fact that there'seven more barriers between
making that connection, and evenmore so for men.
Right, because women have thatcommunity.
Women are the women, are thepeople that are going to watch
these relationship movies andread these relationship books.

(19:56):
But men are told suck it up,buttercup.
I was in the military too, sothat's where I get that from.
I served in the Navy, so suckit up, buttercup.
Youka, be a man, don't cry Allthis stuff that we're
conditioned to be.
But women are naturallyconditioned to be relational in
a way that men not.
So now, where do men have anenvironment to?

(20:17):
Hey, we love our wives, we lovethe women in our lives, but I
was taught that all have fallenshort of the glory of God, and
that includes both genders.
So we don't have an environmentfor us to really be able to
vent on what we go through withthe opposite sex.
But women have a community ofthat and then when we voice it,
what do we sound like?

(20:37):
Oh chauvinistic, oh feminists,oh we hate women and all this
stuff.
Well, no, so I think there's alot of variables to it, but I'll
land my plane on.
It's just challenging to go tothat place.
It's challenging to go to thatplace and give someone that
trust, that insight into yourflaws and imperfections, and I
think that's the biggest problemin the church, which is why I

(20:59):
became a chaplain.
You know I love our churches,our good churches.
You know they're good apples,they're bad apples, but I think
churches just the environment ofa church means I have to
present myself a certain waybecause if I don't, you're going
to question my leadership or myrole in God and my walk.
So now I can't share my flaws.
But you know, god has blessedour online ministry tremendously

(21:21):
and we have a lot of audienceonline who are begging for
transparent relationships.
They don't care about yourdoctrine and your history and
your traditions and they don'tcare about that.
I'm not saying it's notimportant, right.
I love the word of God.
That is the foundation of allmy thought, all my counseling,
all my behaviors, all my habits.
But they don't care about yourdoctrine.

(21:42):
They care about connecting tothe transparent person and I
think the environment in churchis hard to do and I think
chaplain and I think someonesaid it too serving outside the
walls is why I became a chaplain, because I think the community
needs us more than programs inchurch nowadays.
Come on now.

Speaker 7 (21:59):
Thanks for letting me catch up, that's all.

Speaker 1 (22:01):
I got to say that's good.
Now the point that you made,felice and Rory, I want to come
back to that.
I want to let Dustin jump in.
Dustin, name what city you'rein and what are you doing.
It could be your podcast,whatever work you're doing.
Then the question was what'sone reason why you think men
struggle to connect?

(22:21):
I'm giving you all that stuffreal quick.
Go ahead, Dustin, go.

Speaker 9 (22:24):
Got it.
My name is Dustin.
I go by DL for the sake of mypodcast, the Low Life Show.
I'm in Vallejo, california BayArea, and I'm also a digital
marketing consultant.
Why do I think, men strugglewith connection?
I think that's a twofoldquestion.
I'm going to start with onething perceived expectations.

(22:45):
We think about, like I know,like you said, right, the era
that I come from, men had to bea specific thing.
This was the model of a man.
You weren't allowed to cry, youweren't allowed to whine about
yourself, you had to take careof business.
You had to do all of thesedifferent things.
Even if you weren't capable ofdoing them, you had to find a

(23:06):
way to do that.
I also think that, in that sameregard, when you think about
perceived expectation, I meetyou, right, I think that you
have the same definition of whata man is, because you were
raised in the same era.
So I'm going to perceive thatthat's what you believe to be of
me.
Right, I'm a man, so I'm goingto have to fill those shoes.

(23:28):
Still, right.
But the second part of it isfear, right?
You've just touched on that, mrChaplin.
Fear of betrayal, fear of loss,fear of hurt, fear of pain,
right, and then fear of cancelculture.
You think about today's society.
It pushes so many differentthings, right, and we can even

(23:49):
go to the church.
There are some churches thatwill push it to be a specific
kind of way that may or may notbe theologically correct, right,
we see so many different peopleacting so many different ways.
Yeah, and it's honestly like Ithink about myself, man, and
I've got a very checkeredhistory.
So in a church context, I'vegot a checkered history.

(24:11):
I'm super transparent with mycongregation.
Um, most of them love it.
Some of them give these lookslike, uh, like they can't trust
me, maybe, right, and, and Ithink I personally don't really
care, you know, because I knowwho I am, I know what I stand on
, I know what I'm founded on.
I know the truth, right, andit's not my truth.
My truth, his name is jesus,right, but people don't

(24:35):
understand things to be the sameway, right, we?
We look at, uh, the proverbstrust in the lord with all your
heart.
Lean, not into your ownunderstanding, right, I don't.
I don't really care what theworld understands to be true
about what a man is.
I don't care what the worldunderstands to be true about
what masculinity is.
I know who I am.
I know who God made me to be.
Right two folds that I broughtup is is knowing that, knowing

(25:03):
your identity in Christ andhaving it not found it anywhere
else.
You know we tend to like.
I'll use my father as anexample.
We lost my mother, um, abouteight years ago.
For 40 years he was with her.
His identity was founded as herhusband and our father Right.

(25:24):
And now here he has grown upkids and no wife.
Who is he?
And I see him today not beingso sure of himself, not being so
confident, because he doesn'thave that connection with the
church.
He doesn't have that connectionwith God anymore, you know.

(25:44):
But I think that to be true witha lot of other men out there.
We find our identities insomething rather than in the
person of Jesus.
We find our identity in a jobright, and if we don't have that
, there are a lot of people thatare in the unemployment line, a
lot of people like myself whoare ex-convicts who can't get
jobs right.

(26:04):
I used to have my identityfounded in a job.
My connection was perfect thatway.
Hey, nice to meet you.
I'm a labor manager.
I do all these great things, Imake six figures.
That's my identity.
I can connect now.
Once I lost that, I had zeroopportunity to connect with
anybody, you know, until Istarted walking again with God
and it was like, okay, now Icould connect with everybody
because there's one universaltruth, right, his name is Jesus,

(26:27):
and I know him now.
But prior to that, my identitywas found in anything that the
world thought was good, anythingthat would make me popular, I
guess right, anything that wasopposite of council culture that
was accepted by society.
So, yeah, I think, I think Iknow that's a whole lot of a lot

(26:48):
of stuff to say, just to saythat, you know, it's the
expectation, it's the fear, andthen it's just the landing on.
Who are you like knowing whoyou are?
And I don't think a lot of us.
I mean, I must speak for myselfand I know a lot of people I
don't know.
Know about everybody in thisroom, but it takes a while for
us to know who we are, and untilwe do know who we are, how can

(27:13):
we truly connect with anybody?
Until we're comfortable withthat, how can we do that?
I mean, we all, at one point oranother, had a secret that we
didn't want to get out.
We had something that we didn'twant to get out, right, we had
something that we didn't wantpeople to know because that
might make them look at usdifferently.
Like that's still, we'reputting up a false perception
for ourselves, right we're?

(27:34):
We're putting up that wall andwe're saying, okay, I'm going to
have them perceive me like thisand then I'm going to assume
they perceive me like this andthat's, that's going to be our
connection.
It's not going to be real.
You know, that's the, that'sthe.
I don't know if that's a longmouthful, but that's my answer
before anybody jumps in.

Speaker 1 (27:54):
Uh, if you guys are watching, listening when jumping
to our on the youtube channel,so you can kind of join the
conversation, the link is in thecomment section.
Along with that is that quotethat.
I believe it was Felice thatquoted that.
It was attributed to E Lockhart, but it says love is when you
give someone else the power todestroy you and you trust them
not to do it.
That's the one, right, okay?

(28:16):
So, felice, yes, oh, no, I wasgoing to say I didn't say that
first.
think it was jacob that saidthat first oh, I won't give
credit to the wrong person.
My bad, jacob, sorry.
All right, but in that vein, uh, and felice, jacob and wolvey
kind of jump in here.
I think we all know and we'veseen it.

(28:37):
I've seen it in my own life.
It's not really it's nothingthat we haven't seen before, but
we know that if we open thatdoor, that transparent door door
, and say you know what hey,this is me, I made it all out
here.
We know we're probably going toget smashed.
If the media in the worlddoesn't smash you people who are
in your family, who thinkmasculinity should look a

(28:58):
certain way, their version isprobably toxic and Jacob and I
talked about that yesterday.
But you know you're probablygoing to get assaulted a bit.
So honest question here for youguys Do you guys actually fear
allowing that door to be open?
And if you do and you're honestabout that how do we push past
that?
Because when you guys referenceJesus and that quote along with

(29:21):
, it kind of lines up with thatfor me.
Jesus had the opportunity.
He was with somebody who heknew was going to betray him.
He turned his back on himplenty of times you know what
I'm saying and went to sleepwith him under the same roof.
So it was like it wasn't.
The trust factor was wide open.
Do you guys fear actually doingthat in the place that you are

(29:43):
now in your life was wide open.
Do you guys fear actually doingthat in the place that you are
now in your life?
Do you fear being thattransparent with people about
you know what you're dealingwith and what you're feeling,
your emotions and all thosethings?
And if you do, how do we pushpast that?
So two-part question there.
Anybody can jump in wheneveryou think is uh fitting, go
right ahead.
I don't yes real quick.

Speaker 6 (30:02):
I think ultimately a boy is down to trust and you
know we lose trust in bucketsbut we gain it back in drops,
you know.
And unfortunately when somebodyburns us it's really hard and
then it's a human conditionwhere we kind of categorize it
and we just go that personburned me.

(30:24):
So now I'm just going to bepicky with everybody.
You know it's difficult totrust a lot of people when even
one or two people burn you andso that makes it difficult and I
would say even in my context,personally I'm just more choosy.
I don't, I don't disregard itand I have to also make that
mental understanding thateverybody is different.

(30:46):
This person didn't burn me, itwas the other person that burned
me.
So I'm but the, you know thatstill sits in your head, it
creates that fear and then itgoes.
This person going to do that Isthat.
You know those kinds ofcomments.
So you have to turn that aroundand say this person is
different and they've alreadyproven Like I have a good friend
that we were just talkingbefore this and saying that

(31:10):
we've proven to each other tohold each other accountable and
trustworthy for each other.
He hasn't burned me like that.
He's always had my back.
He had my back when somebodydid burn me things like that,
and so that, okay, I'm going to.
I have to be very intentionalwith who I am and I am not
trusting, and so that's kind ofa big deal for me.

Speaker 7 (31:31):
Okay, If I can add something, Go ahead For me.
I'm very intentional who Iconnect with and I mean you
connect deeper with some peopleand other people.
You will not connect the samedeeper with some people and
other people.
You will not connect the same.
And I mean on the farm I'm notgoing to leave the gate open if
there's a jackal coming to thesheep.
I mean I don't care how smartyou look, I know your intentions

(31:55):
and it's the same with people.
You have to be careful withpeople that you can see that
they don't have good intentionsand you have to keep the gate
closed.
I'm not hating you and I'm notnot transparent, but I know your
intentions.
So I'm going to keep you awayfrom the flock and I'm going to
keep you away from me.
But it's important.
A lot of people don't haveconnections, deep level of

(32:16):
connections.
At the beginning they said youknow you cannot connect with.
A lot of times people don'tshare their weaknesses with
their wife.
With me it's a little bitdifferent.
Blanche knows what I am andwhatever I struggle with, I'll
share it with my wife.
But not everybody is the sameon that.
But it's good to have one personor two or three people that you
have a really deep connectionwith and you can use them as a

(32:40):
lightning rod as well.
When you go through strugglesand difficulties.
You need to communicate withthem because you might have a
blind side that you're not awareof and if you have that group,
they will strengthen you, theywill help you and pull you
forward.
So that's very important and alot of times people say they
they don't have time forconnections.
Honestly, the truth I wasrunning 22 guys worked for me in

(33:02):
Africa.
I was ministering.
I was running 16,000 acres.
If I plan, I can add you.
A lot of times we say to a guyat Chet's, oh, we should grab
lunch together, and you never dothat till the day.
You say, okay, let's take outthe book and write it down what
date, and then you plan and thenyou do it so we can have

(33:23):
connections if we plan it and wewrite it down and we're
intentional on getting it done.
That's what I want to add today.

Speaker 1 (33:30):
I love that, peter.
Thank you, sir.
That's great man who's next Igot to Please.

Speaker 8 (33:35):
I don't fear transparency at all, man.
I got to be honest with you.
No, I don't want to sound likethis.
You know, whatever man, I'llgive you the layers of how I
came to that One.
I think God just made me likethat environment, my biography I
was a kid trying to fit inRight Because I had nobody.
You know, as a counselor, Iunderstand that, clinically

(33:58):
speaking, no other relationshipsforms the neurons in your
brains like the relationshipsbetween your parents or your
caregiver.
It's called the attachmenttheory.
So, however you interacted with, those relationships is going
to be the model for everyrelationship where my immediate
family was gone, so my sense ofidentity, who I was belonging to

(34:18):
something was gone.
So I came in trying to fit ineverywhere, right, like who am I
?
You know, who's going to acceptme, who's going to treat me
like family?
That was the backbone of who Iam and I understand the power of
transparency.
I've connected more with people.
I mean God has blessed me toconnect with all types of people
, people I never thought I wouldconnect to people that I had.

(34:40):
No, I had nothing similar withthem as far as what they're
doing, who they are.
It's just because of mytransparency.
This is who I am.
You know who are you and that'show I've always approached it.
That's just how I raise.
Now I'm not going to say thatit's not hard sometimes or
challenging.
Sometimes People do use stuffagainst you.
People will take this littlepiece of you and automatically

(35:02):
think this is your entirecharacter.
But if that was true, true,then all of us would be like
that, because everybody hassomething.
So you know, right, it's funny.
Then I gotta think about thedoctrine of sanctification.
A lot of people don't understandthat.
A lot of people think you're achristian and you're perfect.
But nobody was perfect in inscripture except jesus, and yet
jesus used all those imperfectpeople to do a lot of things.

(35:23):
You know I what I mean.
So it's like I understandpeople don't go that deep.
I understand relationships topeople might just be humor and
working out and that's it.
And then I understand.
So it's like I was malleable towho people were, without
changing who I was, because atthe core of who I am, I just
don't have time for superficialrelationships, not to say that I

(35:47):
don't have them, it's just Idon't invest as much in them as
the deep relationships, becauseI understand the power of
transparency.
I think that's one of the toolsthat the Holy Spirit uses to
transform lives and buildconnections, and these biblical
conversations lead togospel-centered conversations
when you're able to be thattransparent.

(36:08):
I think in the culture we livein today, I think that's where a
lot of churches fail is thatlack of transparency.
And I think this nextgeneration, that's gonna be the
next fathers and mothers andlawyers and doctors, and that's
what they're craving more,because they were coming from a
generation where you don't talkabout this, you don't talk about
that.
Do as I say and don't explainthis.

(36:29):
Just stay away from this.
And if you tell a cartooncharacter not to push a button
and you don't tell them why, youknow, I mean like that's just,
that's just not a good model.
So transparency, doesn't fearme.
Now I will say, uh, what?
Uh, mr nick'm sorry I can'tread everything on that.
I think that's, nick, you'regood.
He said what I've had to learnover the years is that not

(36:49):
everybody deserves that from me.
So I did have to become choosy.
I thought every relationshiphad to have this component to
have.
So I was over here trying to bethat with everybody.
And even the Bible talks aboutnot throwing pearls before a
swine Right that concept thereto be that with everybody.
And even the bible talks aboutnot throwing pearls before swine
.
Right that concept there.

(37:11):
So it's like, okay, whoever youshow me you are, I'm not going
to judge you or condemn you.
Now I know how to act inrelation to you, right, and what
pieces, and some people seethat as fake or whatever.
But that's not.
You don't go to a job interviewtalking like you talk to your
own boys.
There's a time and a place forwho you are to present it.
There's certain parts that youreveal to other people.
Now, if you're revealing acomplete contradiction, that's

(37:32):
different, right, you can't sayyou're a vegetarian.
Then I just seen you at abuffet going to Corral to end up
chicken.
That's a complete contradiction.
But you know, I leave room forsin because we're in the flesh.
I leave room for failurebecause then I can exercise
grace and God helps me.
I need grace every single day.
Just this morning I had athought like, ooh, a

(37:53):
four-year-old kid.
I just had to remind myselfhe's four.
I had to remind myself.
So, forgive me, give me thegrace, but nah, transparency is
needed.
It's hard, I'm just selectivewith it now, but I don't.
There's nothing that someonecan can talk to me about that.
I won't talk about.
It's just if I'm going to talkabout it with them, and for what

(38:14):
purpose.
Do you just want to be nosyabout it, or is it going to add
value in your life or answersome type of question and lead
you closer to crisis?
How I see it now?

Speaker 1 (38:23):
Okay, before everybody else jumps in, I don't
normally do bookrecommendations, but one of my
top five books is by Dr RobThompson.
I believe he's a doctor.
Rob Thompson, the Ten CriticalLaws of Relationship taught me
about how to vet people for arelationship.
I thought that was insane Vetpeople but now that I've read it

(38:44):
and I've understood it, I wishI was doing that 30 years ago.
It would have changed my lifedramatically.
So 10 Critical Laws ofRelationship by Rob Thompson
Definitely check it out.
All right, who's up next?

Speaker 2 (38:54):
I'll jump in.
Come on Now.
If you're doing bookrecommendations, I'm going to
throw this one out there.

Speaker 1 (38:59):
Let's go, baby, let's go.

Speaker 2 (39:02):
Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown.
Chaplain, you just saidsomething about.
You said fitting in and usethis word transparency, and said
, is about assessing a situationand deciding who I need to be,

(39:27):
how I need to show up in orderto be accepted.
But belonging requires me to beexactly who I am and to be
accepted anyway.
And you know to answer thatquestion, uh you, about whether
or not I'm actually afraid to betransparent.
The answer here is it dependson where I'm operating from.

(39:51):
What am I identified with?
If I'm identified with thisneed to be accepted at all costs
, then yeah, I fear thatrejection.
But what I've come to realize isI've started to become more
aware of the true cost to mewhen I make that trade.
And it's a betrayal of myself,if I'm honest with me.

(40:14):
It's betraying myself in atransactional sort of way, and
I've actually got this mantra inmy life now and it's that
rejection is my friend.
Rejection is a filter becauseyou know it used to be that a
younger Jake, that guy wasfishing with a net.
That was.

(40:34):
It had the tiniest little holesin it and I was catching
sardines and anchovies and allthese tiny little things.
And, man, I had a lot ofacquaintances and I was accepted
everywhere.
But those are tiny little fishand you don't get full on those
things.
You know, what I really wantedwas the big catch, and when I
found my identity and the personthat I wish to be, I realized

(40:55):
that rejection is like openingthose holes in that net up and
all those tiny little fish fallthrough and what's left?
What's left is that big oneyou've been after all along and
that's where that trueconnection happens.
So, to come back to Brene Brownagain, she says that our
capacity or our ability toexperience true belonging is

(41:16):
directly proportional to ourcapacity for vulnerability.
Right, that idea oftransparency and allowing others
to see us.
Vulnerability right, that ideaof transparency and allowing
others to see us.
You have to put yourself outthere and I think those moments
where I do find my fear, it'sbecause I'm identified with.
Well, what can that person dofor me?

(41:37):
Do I want to keep them in mylife in this transactional sort
of way?
And if it's that, well, I'm,I'm, I'm moving down the wrong
path and it's not the one that'saligned with who I really am.

Speaker 1 (41:49):
I love that.
I love it.
All right, Brian, Rory Lee,what you got guys, Come on.

Speaker 4 (41:53):
I can.
I can speak on this for forjust a moment.
I think I'd like to.
I'd like to share a personalexperience.
So I definitely resonate withwhat Jacob just said.
When I I was younger, that wasvery much me um, one of my
roommates in my first roommatein college.
Uh, he said, man, you remind me, he's a big war?

(42:15):
Buff history, buff his dad.
Actually, long story short wasum fought for italy way back in
the day.
And uh, he said man, you,you're like, you're like the,
the bomber pilot.
Right when you're, when you'reout there making friends, you
just bomb the whole field, man.
And so, like, everybody gets aripple effect, right, everybody
ends up becoming your friend.

(42:35):
Uh, you're likable, you're nice, you're funny.
Everybody wants to be brian'sfriend, everybody wants to party
with brian, drink with him,have a great time.
But then when you really needpeople, where are your
quote-unquote friends.

Speaker 1 (42:48):
Come on, there, you go, there, it is.

Speaker 4 (42:52):
When he hit me with that.
It hurt me, you know, because Iactually got really upset with
him and then I apologizedliterally by five minutes later
because he was right.
He was right, I think I was.
I wanted so much for people tosee me and to enjoy being around

(43:17):
me that I didn't realize Iseemed to always have my guard
up in certain ways and I waswearing a mask, right, I didn't
realize I was and maybe I didn't, I didn't want to admit it and
I think, especially as I'vegotten older and man, especially

(43:39):
after I launched this business.
So year one of this business, itwas very much bombing the whole
field, right?
Just like my roommate Mike toldme man, if I can help you and
you could use the help, come onin.
There's plenty of room for onemore, right, there's always room
at the table and I'll work withyou and I'll make money and
I'll take care of my family andyou'll be happy because I served

(44:01):
you and I'm going to get alonggreat.
That worked about 95% of thetime 90, 95% of the time.
Every now and then someonewould trample on my boundaries,
be disrespectful, try to takeadvantage of me, try to lowball
me.
Didn't really appreciate thevalue I was bringing to the
table, but I had already invitedthem over for dinner, so to
speak.
They were already at the table.
Now it's a lot harder to tellthem.

(44:22):
So sorry, it looks like my wifedidn't make enough for you,
please leave.
It's harder to have thatconversation when you've already
let the person come in right.
I like that analogy.
I know you do, I'm very hungry,so there's going to be some food
analogies here.
Please bear with me.
Everyone, let's go.

Speaker 1 (44:39):
Somebody didn't have breakfast, okay.

Speaker 4 (44:41):
Yeah, man, I've been fasting.
I have breakfast.
Okay, yeah, I've been fasting.
I've been fasting all morning.
So, with that being said, yeartwo, here we are.
I'm very transparent, man.
I'm very transparent.
You can ask Mr Yu here.
He's one of my current clients.
I'm brutally honest.
Here's what I'm going to needfrom you After I learn about
your goals, your dreams, yourvision.
What are we looking to achievehere?

(45:03):
Where do I fit in?
Do I fit in?
Because I'm not going to try tostick a square peg in a round
hole, right, that's okay if Idon't, it's okay.
Happy to refer you to someonewho probably could help you
better, potentially, you know,in this situation.

(45:25):
But if I can, if I can help you, here's how I'm going to help.
Here's what I'm going to ask ofyou.
Here's the timeline of when Ineed this stuff to get done.
If you say you're going to dosomething, I need you to do it.
If you ask me for some support,you ask me to do something and
I don't do it.

Speaker 1 (45:30):
That is never okay, doesn't matter if you're in the
street, man, yeah, man I'mtelling you, I'm telling you
don't put me on the street now,I won't I won't put all your
business out there, I won't puton this and

Speaker 4 (45:42):
he's.
He's.
If I ask him to do something,within 10 minutes the thing's
done.
It's incredible.
I wish more people were likethat.
Seriously, the man is proactive, but that is the type of people
I want to work with.
That's the type of people Iwant to invite over for a meal
and to have conversations likethis with, and I don't have any

(46:03):
interest in saying sorry, wedidn't make enough for you.
We'll find a way.
We'll find a way to make sureyou're fed to.
You deserve it.
And so, while I've helped lesspeople this year than I did last
year, my quantity is downbecause I've helped the right
people and I've cast the rightnets.
Like Jacob said, the businesshas almost doubled since last

(46:25):
year.
I'm way happier.
I mean, I was.
I was a static last yearbecause I, you know, I'm an
entrepreneur and I'm living mydream.
But I'm even happier this year.
I have better people in my life.
I have better clients, likelike Mr you.
I'm making more money.
My family's better off, great,I'm serving the right people,

(46:50):
right.
They're happier that they metme too, and there's a lot less
of those trampling of boundaries, disrespect, neglect, um,
accountability not happening.
You know things that reallybother me.
Um, just have a better net, youknow, and a better I guess a
better boat to fish in, a betterspot to go fishing.
Um, better people sittingaround me, you know, eating with
me and having the right kind ofconversations.

Speaker 8 (47:07):
So uh, it's just all about being transparent and
showing people who you reallyare.

Speaker 1 (47:11):
You know, I love it, brother lee.

Speaker 5 (47:12):
Come on, drop it, man , all right well, I'll tell you
right now, I've got enough noteshere from just this
conversation to probably do likea whole 30 minute speech here.

Speaker 2 (47:23):
Um, but I'll just I'm gonna try to here.

Speaker 5 (47:25):
But I'll try to make it quick.
Typical military, right.
I'm going to go back to theoriginal question, the challenge
of connection.
Right, the first thing thatkind of came to mind, and then I
reiterated it later, was whyare you trying to connect, like
what's the purpose of theconnection Are?
Are you trying to connect Likewhat's the purpose of the
connection?

(47:46):
Are you just trying to connectwith anything kind of like that
carpet bombing, make friends,whatever else?
Or are you looking for specificquality people who then can
come alongside you and work withyou in the direction that
you're going?
And when I look at this screenahead of me, that's exactly what

(48:06):
I see.
I see a group of men who'vecome alongside each other and
we're all going a direction andwe're trying to support and
build each other up in thiscrazy world that we live in.
Right, we all have differentbackgrounds, we all have
different aspects and mindsetsand we can contribute to the
group, this men's group, indifferent aspects and build each

(48:27):
other up.
And that's the point of theconnection, right, like Rory and
Mr, you and Brian and Nick andyou guys, each one of you guys
has a different life aspect thathelps one another grow together
in a connection in a group, andwhy do we need this?
And then it was the secondquestion why do we need the
connection?
Well, I haven't lived the samelife as Mr you or Rory or Brian

(48:52):
and Nick or DL.
You guys have lived your ownand you've seen things that I
haven't seen.
But in the same aspect, I'veseen things you guys haven't
seen.
And so as we build a connectionbetween this, where there are
nine of us in here, as we buildthis connection, we can lean on
each other for an experience oradvice, and that really is like

(49:15):
the point of the connection.
As I matured in life, I beganto realize that something that's
already been said quality overquantity.
Right, I used to be the guy whohad.
I was friends with everyone, Ihad lots and lots of friends,
but then, when the time came topick up the phone and say, hey,

(49:37):
man, I'm in trouble, I need yourhelp, nobody answered the other
side of the call right and.
I realized that my friends werejust mirages, or as I call them,
leeches.
They leached off my generositybut I gave willingly and so it
kind of came back to me.
I was the problem because I leteverybody in and I never had a

(50:01):
filter to filter out the oneswho did belong and those who
didn't belong.
And I hate to say this, butsometimes in our own personal
marriages we have selectedsomebody to walk alongside us
who doesn't belong there.
And now that you know, in aChristian community we don't

(50:21):
believe in divorce.
Divorce isn't even an optionfor most Christians Some maybe.
Whatever your opinion, but inmy life, divorce isn't an option
.
And so I chose this person towalk alongside of, who doesn't
align with my actual goals andintentions direction I'm going,
and so I feel like I'm draggingthis person alongside me when,
in reality, what I need to do isbecome a better man.

(50:43):
The more, the more I became abetter man, the more my wife
actually began to come up besideme and now wants to stride with
me because of the man that Ibecame or I am becoming.
And so, as mike, we weretalking about earlier about
self-awareness, and I personallydon't think we need to be fully

(51:05):
self-aware to begin to developthose connections, but we need
to be aware of who we are as aperson.
We need to know some likes,dislikes, we need to know where
our triggers or what sets us off.
We need to know these things sothat we can control ourselves.
And as we begin to controlourselves, we're going to
release the control from aroundus, because one of the notes.

(51:28):
I made here.
The weak man has a hard timemaking connection because of
three things Control the weakman wants to control everything,
but not himself.
The weak man is full of prideI'm better than you, so why
would I connect with you?
And then the ego I would neverconnect with this person or I

(51:54):
would never do this.
And that's what the weak mandoes.
And as a weak man, we fail tomake those connections because
the connection is only one-sidedGive me what you have, give me

(52:16):
what you have.
Where the strong man gives ofhis own, gives back and he
doesn't care about.
I'm not connected with Susan,but Susan's in need.
And so I'm going to give ofmyself, because I know that
giving a little bit of myselfactually is going to come back
in heaps and mounds and in mymaturity and in my growth as a
man.
I can give a little withoutgiving connection.
I can counsel without bondingnecessarily.
And that kind of came back tothis what Rory said, talking

(52:38):
about a brotherhood.
Right In this brotherhood Idon't have to come to Mr Yu's
house and sit at his table andeat his food to be connected to
him and to want to share withhim and to want to give back to
him even though I receivenothing back from him.
It's because we are in abrotherhood of men together.

(53:01):
And I've got one last, oh,here's my last point Are you
trying to connect or buildrapport?
Because rapport just means wecan do business together and we
have similar common interests,whereas connection I'll tell you

(53:23):
guys about my porn addictionand not feel ashamed of it
because we have that connectionbetween us as a group, as men.
I hope that contributes well.

Speaker 1 (53:33):
It does.
That episode is coming up lateron in a few months or not this
week.
But Warby, come on brother.

Speaker 3 (53:43):
Yeah, thanks guys, and I'm glad I got to follow Lee
there.
I liked, uh like what you hadto say about the um, you know,
when you're leading and you'reyou're becoming better than your
wife chooses to come along withyou, you know, type of thing.
Um, leading is a big part of,uh, what I think we're all
called to do.
So I appreciate those, thosethoughts too.
I like what everybody's had tosay.

(54:03):
I'm a little different on thistopic.
I got to be honest with youbecause, um, the, the whole
topic of whether or not you'reafraid to become transparent and
so on, we're all kind ofoperating under the idea that
being fully transparent is somesort of virtue or that's the
goal, and I don't think that itis all the time.
I think it can be, and in a lotof instances, like you guys

(54:23):
have talked about, I understandwhere you're at.
I've always operated from adifferent perspective.
I look at you, know my mission.
I look at my responsibilityfirst.
I look at my role first.
If I'm sitting here with youguys, then my transparency is
very different because my roleis different.
My responsibility is different.
If I'm at home, if I'm leadingmy family, which is what I'm

(54:45):
called to do by God, then youknow I don't need to.
If I'm transparent and in mebeing transparent I am somehow
scaring or putting fear in orhurting my wife or my children
because now they have to carrymy fear or my feeling of
inadequacy or any of my feelingof weakness, I am not helping

(55:10):
them, I am not serving mypurpose, I'm not serving my, my
higher power and my mission.
I'm not serving God in that way.
Uh, I believe that as men, asfathers, as husbands, were
called to lead our families.
Uh, first and foremost, beforeanything else.
I also fully believe that youknow the people who depend on
you have to be more important toyou than you are to you, and I

(55:35):
know that flies in the face ofall of the self-help and
everybody.
You got to fill your cup firstand you got to put your mask on
first.
But you know, if me unloading myproblems, if me being
transparent in my life to thosepeople makes their lives harder
or worse or more fearful, I amabsolutely not doing my job, I

(55:57):
am absolutely not serving as theleader of that unit, I am
absolutely not serving mycalling from God in that
instance.
And so to me, no, I'm notafraid of transparency.
I decide I make an absolutedecision to not be transparent
and I take a lot of pride and Iget a lot of strength from that

(56:18):
decision to not be transparentin those circumstances.
So I'll keep it short.
I just want to throw that inthere for consideration.

Speaker 1 (56:26):
Oh, I love it.
I love it.
One thing that's funny aboutthese kind of conversations I
always forget to share something.
I'm asking questions and Inever answer any of the
questions.
I'm not sure this is going tochange today because I'll be
almost out of time.
But that book that I share withyou guys, that's a big deal for
me because that's what Ilearned about.

(56:46):
But that book that I sharedwith you guys, that's a big deal
for me because that's when Ilearned about assessing value to
who I am as a person, who I amas a man, who I am in all the
relationship spheres that I havein my life ministry, family,
community, et cetera.
For me, I think I'm kind of on aframe of mind as well.
I don't have a problem beingtransparent.
I think just coming from myhometown of New York City,

(57:11):
speaking my mind isn't really anissue.
I have to tell myself not to dothat in certain settings
because I know I'll blow upsomebody else's world.
I'm not trying to really dothat For me.
That's not really a hard issuefor me.
I've been transparent in mostplaces, but now I'm learning how
to measure that learning.
I've been transparent in mostplaces, but now I'm learning how
to measure that, learning howto decide when this is a good
time and maybe you shouldn'tblow the whole world up so you

(57:31):
can make a point.
So I'm kind of just learninghow to adjust those things and
kind of just be wise about that.
But I want to ask one finalquestion and then I want to ask
something of all you guys thatare on the call left.
Try to answer this with as muchbrevity as possible because of
the time constraints.
This could be a fun question.
This could be an agonizinglypainful question.

(57:54):
I don't even know.
I'm going to ask it anyhow.
When you're in a room full ofpeople, specifically other men,
are you an active engager or areyou a passively waiting to be
engaged person?
What's your approach to that?

Speaker 6 (58:12):
Well, I think just, yeah, I don't.
I think I read the room alittle bit up front.
Um, I think if there seems tobe a lack of leadership in the
room of like what's going on,I'm probably going to definitely
jump in.
Uh, if it seems like somebodyis running and going with the
lead and has this underorchestration, like you're doing
a great job, mr Yu.

(58:33):
Like running, this right here,then there's no need for me to
jump in.
I kind of observe, and maybeI'm hanging by my buddy and
that's about it.

Speaker 1 (58:43):
Wow, okay, anybody else.
Real quick, if you don't havean answer, that's fine, I think
it depends on the room.

Speaker 9 (58:48):
Man, just like Nick said, it depends on the room.
You got to read the room, takeback and see who's who before
you know who you got to be forthat crowd of people, right?

Speaker 1 (58:59):
I love it.
Thank you Anybody else.

Speaker 8 (59:02):
Yeah, it's similar to read the room.
Being transparent to me is notjust say, hey man, I stepped on
a roach, I put a firecracker inthe chicken's butt yesterday.
No, that's not exactly what Iwant.
To go into that environment anddo that.
Being transparent to me is youknow, I'm not in their
environment.
To take how I want to be, Iwant to present myself.

(59:24):
It don't matter whatenvironment.
I may feel like being funnythat day, so I may be just a
person doing random goofy stuffjust to break the monotony of
networking.
I may just do that on purpose,just to get people the monotony
of networking.
Like a book.
Yeah, because people, hi, I'mthis and that and I'm this and
that, all right, cool, okay,yeah, but it depends on how I

(59:47):
want to show up.
It depends on how I want toshow up.
That's what determines it.
All right, rory Jake.

Speaker 1 (59:55):
Peter.

Speaker 2 (59:56):
Yeah, I'm kind of similar to these guys.
If I'm in a room, I'm more of aleader in lieu of a leader.
Right, if no one's showing up,I'll jump in and make it happen.
But there is definitely thisquality to me where, if I'm just
sitting at home and I haven'thad a connection in a while, I'm

(01:00:16):
the guy who's like all right,I'm going to go out and I'm just
going to find a stranger totalk to.
I love that, and in thosesituations I just kind of sit
back, ask questions and get tosomebody else's story.
So there's a, there's a bigpart of me that loves that too.

Speaker 1 (01:00:33):
I love that.
What about you, Peter?

Speaker 7 (01:00:41):
Yeah, Peter, go ahead .
I mean, you can read the crowd,but a lot of times when I start
talking with people, that'swhere I start to know what
you're like.
So I like to engage with peoplewhen I get to a crowd.

Speaker 1 (01:00:54):
I can attest to that he's a very active engager,
without question, RP go ahead.

Speaker 3 (01:00:59):
Yeah, I would say that I'm definitely capable of
engaging.
But I think I would enter aroom the same way that I podcast
engaging.
But I think I would enter aroom the same way that I podcast
, I go in there with and I tryto basically just present kind
of a quiet confidence.
If there's no leader, I'mdefinitely going to fill that
void.
But I allow other people toeither take that lead and do

(01:01:21):
that or they kind of come to mebecause I'm just sitting there
trying to be quietly confident,so it's one of those things.
When I'm podcasting, it's thesame thing.
If I'm just sitting theretrying to be quietly confident,
so it's.
It's one of those things.
When I'm podcasting, it's thesame thing.
If I'm hosting for somebody,you know, like you've done today
, brother, you know, I let the,the guest, do the talk and I let
them present their stuffbecause it's not about me in
that moment.
So, and when you're trulyconfident in yourself, every

(01:01:48):
moment doesn't have to be youknow.

Speaker 1 (01:01:49):
It can just be about the people that are there and
you can participate quietly andenjoy it.
I love it, man, thank you.
Usually after the show is over,I hear so many more things than
when the show is actually goingon.
You probably will on yourplatforms as well.
You probably get a questionthat nobody at the gum center
asked while we were live.
No judgment, it is what it is.
I hope that we tackledconnection in a positive,

(01:02:10):
responsible way.
Kind of hard to tell what kindof impact we had, but I hope
that we were able to startreaching that topic.
This was our second broadcast.
The first one was a super highbar.
The reaction was incredible.
I'm really hoping that we aregaining momentum.
We'll be talking aboutconnection with a fantastic
topic to come out of the gateswith for the second broadcast.

(01:02:34):
So you guys did a fantastic job.
I really commend you guys.
If I had a hand clap or soundeffect, I'd be doing it right
now, because you guys deservethat.
I want to ask something of youbefore we go off of the air.
I sent you guys all privatemessages asking you to continue
to pray, continue to make this apriority in your daily and

(01:02:55):
weekly prayers, because there'sa lot of things that come with
this to do something like this Alot of warfare, a lot of things
that happen to men in theirlives and in their minds when
they even think about engagingin a place like this.
Because this transparency,connection talk it doesn't go
without conflict from theadversary.
Just to be honest about it.
This, this is a big work andit's not something to take

(01:03:17):
casually.
So thank you for praying andfor continuing to even share
that with your people in yoursphere of influence.
I want to ask you guys you knowwe said from from the first
episode I made it clear that Idon't want to be passing out
business cards.
This is not going to be that Idon't want this to be, that you
can do that on the side, outsideof this venue.
But I want to ask each of youand try to do it as brief as you

(01:03:39):
can, please try to do that forme.
Tell us how we can support yourwork or support you personally.
I don't mean like subscribe tomy YouTube channel.
I don't mean pass my linkaround.
I want you to think a littlebit differently, more broad than
that.
How can we support you?
Because, at the end of the day,outside of all your business

(01:04:02):
interests and all of the thingsyou got planned, all your groups
and everything, all yourpodcasts, you're a man that
obviously needs support, needsconnection, and you have big
roles and responsibilities inyour life, but we still need
each other.
So if there's no answer fromyou, it's totally fine.
But I want to just ask all youguys to kind of share popcorn

(01:04:23):
style, like we've been doing.
How can we support you?
How can we support your work?
What do you need from us?
Is there anything that we cando to help you?
So hopefully that questionmakes sense.
If you don't have an answer, noproblem, we can talk about it
offline.
But before you answer thatbecause we're going to end the
show with that but before youanswer that, take the time after
the show goes off air.

(01:04:44):
Say hello to the panelists thatare here, say hi to them on
social media, whatever.
Just say hello.
You ain't got to do anything,you ain't got to ask a whole
bunch of questions, just sayhello, just connect, because
that's what it's supposed to bebuilding a community.
So say hi to folks, say greatto have you on the show with us
as a panelist.
Hope to see more of your worklater on.
Hope to hear from you soon.

(01:05:05):
Just say hello and we'll catchup soon.
You know?
Whatever, just be intentionalabout that, because if you don't
do that with all we're talkingabout, it kind of didn't make
any sense.
What were you doing?
So just looking to say that.
But in regards to the question,how can we support your work,
go ahead and jump in there.
Just know what you're thinkingand what you need.

Speaker 9 (01:05:29):
Go, you're thinking and what you need?
Go, I'll say prayer, man.
The power of prayer issomething magnificent.
Just pray for me and pray thatGod's will be evident, that his
glory will be reflected.
Yeah, and there would be moreof him and less of me.

Speaker 1 (01:05:43):
Good stuff.
Consider it done, dl, who's upnext?

Speaker 2 (01:05:50):
I'll jump in.
I would just love to have somemore conversations with you guys
.
You guys are in the men's space.
This men's work is so important, and I've got blind spots you
guys probably don't, but I doand there's always so much to
learn from other people.
So I'd love to keep theconversations going offline here
and learn what kind of work youguys are doing and how you're

(01:06:12):
engaging with men in your ownlives.

Speaker 1 (01:06:15):
I love both answers, man, Fantastic.
Thank you, Jacob and DL.
Go ahead.
Who's next?

Speaker 6 (01:06:21):
Yeah, I'll jump in there.
I mean it's, you know, 100%prayer, right, like that's
automatically there, and I thinkfor all of us on here that's
probably an automatic answer, itshould be it is, and it
shouldn't be the cliche thingeither.
It's like no, seriously, youknow, because we believe in
God's work in our lives.

(01:06:41):
The other thing I wouldabsolutely be just like on Jacob
, like on a business perspective, like, hey, man, I'd love to
know what's working for you, howthings are going, like sharing
tips and tricks and all sorts ofstuff back and forth.
And then on the personal side,kind of the same thing you know,
how are you doing personally,how are you holding up running a

(01:07:08):
business or running whateveryou know ventures that you're
going through personally?
Um, how are you mitigating, um,you know the stress and the
pressure?
Uh, and all of that because Ithink entrepreneurship is
completely different than a lotof other facets in life.
So and I'm kind of new at it,so that means call me please
fair fair, go ahead.

Speaker 7 (01:07:29):
Uh, let's see great, oh, someone else going peter
without you yes, for me it's uh,yeah, prayer for that god will
open a way for me in america.
Uh, I will appreciate that andI just want to share quickly,
for you know, in south africathat mighty men conferences and
where men will get together, andI think, the biggest one, where

(01:07:51):
they got together was 1.2million people for three days.
So I've seen that conferenceswhere we have a million men on a
farmer's land and they'resharing and praying for each
other and encouraging each other, so that was awesome to witness
.

Speaker 1 (01:08:07):
I love that.
Wow, thank awesome to witness.
I love that.

Speaker 8 (01:08:10):
Wow, Thank you sir.

Speaker 1 (01:08:11):
That's awesome.

Speaker 8 (01:08:12):
Great question, mr you.
Great question On the personalside.
You know, tell me my brush.
Thanks, you know like okay.
If you see, if you see somethingonline, if you see something
through our conversation andit's not leading, who may be
watching that towards Jesus anddeveloping sanctifying character

(01:08:36):
.
I take that so seriously.
I grew up believing that thewise seeks the multitude of
counsel, so I love people seeingthings about myself that I
don't see.
I'm not always going to agreewith everything you see, because
sometimes you may be wrong, butI'll always consider these
factors and what people see.
So I'm always thinking aboutnot misleading the people that

(01:08:57):
God has called me to lead.
So, yeah, call me out, call meout on things or bring things to
my attention.
Give me the opportunity to getsome gum in my mouth.
You know what I mean.
So, on a business side, keepyour ears open for how I could
serve the people God called meto serve.
I've been called to servecouples and equip them for

(01:09:18):
marriage and help them overcomethe number one problem in
marriage, which is poorcommunication, through a model
that we created that doescharacter change through
sanctifying work and not justcharacter like communication
tips and the reason I bring thatup.
I don't want to sound so clicheand this is just business.
I grew up orphan, thinking thatGod made a mistake with me.
I grew up thinking that I wasthe only mistake that God made.

(01:09:41):
That why do I have this bio?
And nobody I've ever met hadthis bio?
I was the only person thatwalked in the room that had no
blood relatives.
So when I realized that Godcalled me to be a counselor and
he equipped me, you know, andgave me the bio, gave me the
people and gave me the passionand obsession, I found purpose.

(01:10:01):
I found my identity in that.
So I take it so seriously andhonestly and I'm not even trying
to say this to put shade thereare not many churches that I
know of that are doing what meand my wife are doing online.
Our blog alone gets like 10 to50,000 hits a month.

(01:10:22):
I wrote every article 150, 130something, articles from dating
to marriage and I only bringthat up to say that this
generation right now needs thegospel-centered tools to deal
with relationship problems, anda lot of churches don't even
have marriage budgets Right.
So it's like you know I reallycare about that space.

(01:10:43):
I found purpose in that space.
So if you hear an opportunity tospeak, teach, you know whatever
.
I love that space.
I found purpose in that space.
So if you hear an opportunityto speak.
Teach you know whatever.
I love that space.
I love the relationships thatare built around that space.
That is me, that is whatbasketball to Jordan was
Relationships, marriages.
I'm telling you you have noidea how obsessed I am.
So any eye or opportunity orear that you have to kind of

(01:11:04):
serve that space, shoot it myway, let me know.
Thank you, I'm glad you didn'tsay LeBron.

Speaker 1 (01:11:09):
God bless you All.
Right, rory, call us outbrother.
Me too, that would have set meoff today, I would have just
left the call.
Me too, I'm the host.

Speaker 3 (01:11:20):
I would really just love to see everybody here Pray
for everybody here.
I would really just love to seeeverybody here pray for
everybody here.
Spiritual warfare is very real.
Masculinity and fatherhood andall these things that God sets
up to protect and to provide areunder the gun.
They're on fire every minute ofevery day, even when we don't
see it coming.
So we're all working on our ownversion of that.

(01:11:42):
We're all working on our ownversion of spreading God's word,
and I'd love to see all of usjust pray for you know, all of
us, because I think we all coulduse the help.
None of us are perfect and youknow we're all going to be under
fire at some point or another.

Speaker 1 (01:11:55):
I love that.
This is one question I am goingto answer.
I mean, it's easy to say youknow what sub the YouTube
channel, listen to the show,follow on a listening platform
and leave a review.
Those are things that we allthat are in podcasting and in
content creation and media weneed that.
That's just a big duh.
But what I'm asking for from youguys is that we continue to

(01:12:18):
establish the connection.
I have everybody's phone number, but I feel like we can connect
more.
We can do more Some situationswhere a real life coffee can
work.
There's some areas where avirtual coffee works fine, but
let's just stay connected.
I want to know what you guysare doing.
I want to hear what you guysare dealing with.

(01:12:40):
A couple of you guys havealready jumped ahead of that and
you're already starting that.
You're staying up with me andwe're talking about some real
life stuff and we're gettinginto it and it's good and it's
helping us really connect tothat way, when we have times
like these, our hearts arealigning and I really want that.
So that's what I'm asking forfrom you guys that are on the
call and those that have to jumpoff that may still be listening

(01:13:02):
.
That's what I want, man.
Stay connected, stay up, man.
I Everybody has to talk abouttheir responsibilities and what
we mentioned from the outset ofthe show, about our
responsibilities and, if we havetime I think Brian mentioned
that too About what kind of timewe have.
Let's break all the excuses andjust do what we can do.
If it's just a shoot, a text,I'll say hey, man, I'm a little
short on time.
I got 15 minutes.

(01:13:23):
Can we chat for a little bit?
Let's just do it.
No excuses, let's just get itdone because it's that important
.
I think this broadcast todaykind of proved that.
Thank you guys for all that youdid to contribute to this
broadcast.
Fantastic stuff from all of youguys.
I'm very impressed with all ofyou.
I'm excited about even watchingmore of your work and being

(01:13:46):
involved in what you're doing,because doing cuz man, you guys
are really good at what you do.
I'm excited.
But we're gonna go ahead andhit the the outro button and get
this cool music playing, andthis link is already live chat,
so it's already out hereshareable so you can get hold of
it.
Ah, stream, your does it alittle differently, so we
probably can.

(01:14:06):
If you have seenYard, youprobably see the audio pop up
where you can go ahead and sendit out and everything.
But hit me up if you have anyproblems with that.
I'll try to do my best to helpyou out there.
But beside that, man, thank youagain.
I'm proud of you guys.
I love you guys.
Man, I appreciate what you didtoday and all people watching
and listening.
I hope you were listening, hopeit's been something to you.
We're sending out some thisreplay out to all of our friends

(01:14:27):
and family and associatespeople who we know need to hear
this.
We'll do our part.
You make sure you do yours andkeep on listening.
All right, have a great day.
Thanks again for watching themen's roundtable series and the
challenge of connection.
Bye.

All Episodes

The Mens Round Table Series - "The Challenge of Connection"

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

Stuff You Should Know

The Joe Rogan Experience

Dateline NBC

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}The Mens Round Table Series - "The Challenge of Connection"