160 // Being Rooted in Christ: Christian Women Supporting Loved Ones With Addiction with Tanya Gioia
February 28, 2025 • 29 mins
Kingdom Revolution Podcast: Supporting Loved Ones Through Addiction
Episode Summary
In this powerful episode of the Kingdom Revolution podcast, host Kristin welcomes family recovery coach Tanya Gioia to discuss supporting loved ones struggling with addiction from a Christian perspective. Tanya shares her personal journey and professional insights on how Christian women can break free from unhealthy fixing patterns while maintaining loving relationships with family members facing addiction.
Key Topics Discussed:- Why high-functioning, capable women often become exhausted "fixers" in relationships with addicted loved ones
- How making a loved one's recovery an idol creates unhealthy dynamics and spiritual disconnection
- The importance of reclaiming your identity in Christ before attempting to help others
- Practical approaches to setting proper boundaries that enhance relationships rather than creating walls
- Biblical principles for creating a safe home environment during addiction recovery
- The transformational shift from trying to control others to focusing on personal spiritual growth
"They're trying to fix something that's not theirs to fix." - Tanya Goia
"Boundaries are going to help you love people better... You're not saying, 'I'm not going to be there for you.'" - Tanya Goia
"I want to feel as good as you seem to feel." - What Tanya's husband said after her recovery journey
About the Guest:Tanya Goia is a family recovery coach who specializes in helping Christian women support loved ones through addiction. Drawing from both professional expertise and personal experience, she provides faith-based guidance for those navigating the challenging journey of loving someone with addiction issues.
Resources Mentioned:-
Check out Tanya’s mini-course for Empowered Boundaries! Use the coupon code FREE25 to get access for just $1! Click Here
- Connect with Tanya Here
- Tune into her Podcast Here
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tags: Christian addiction support, Family recovery coaching, Biblical boundaries, Addiction and faith, Supporting loved ones with addiction, Christian codependency recovery, Family addiction healing
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, hey, welcome back to theKingdom Revolution podcast.
(00:02):
I'm so excited to haveTanya Goia with me today.
She is one of the Amazing women insidethe business by God's design Academy,
and I've just had such a pleasure workingwith her And just seeing her dreams
and her God given desires to help womenblossom and just to see Tanya just
(00:27):
step into who God's created her to be.
And I'm so thrilled to have hertalk about what she does today and
what inspired her to become a familyrecovery coach and an advocate for
Christian women supporting loved ones.
Through addiction.
So Tanya, welcome to thekingdom revolution podcast.
You are such a bold andamazing women of God.
(00:48):
So tell us a little bit about who you areand why did you, why were you inspired
to become a family recovery coach?
Well, thanks, Kristen.
And I do want to give you a shout out.
If you have not worked with Kristen,this is something you should step into.
We, we will get into this a littlebit, but I've had, I've had a
little bubble in my, in my familyrelationships and I was in the middle
(01:12):
of a summit while this was happening.
So I clung to God and Christian, Kristenas his voice, As I was processing through
this, she is such a wonderful supporter.
Of Christian women.
And I've been workedwith a lot of coaches.
She's such a wonderful supporter andexactly what I needed, kept cheering me
(01:32):
on and turning me back to the savior.
Every single time I said, I can't do this.
She's like, go, go get in yourprayer closet, get with God, get
with your Holy board of directors.
I'm like, okay, okay.
We're going to make it through.
So we did all that.
So great, great, great job, Kristen,really supporting women and, and
not supporting them in your ownstrength, but turning them back to.
(01:55):
The strength of all strength.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
And that's, that's part of what I doin my work is oftentimes women who are
struggling with loved ones with addictionare trying to do it all themselves.
They're trying to handle everythingthey're living, not only their life,
but they're living the other person'slife, making sure that they get to
(02:15):
work, making sure that the relationshipsget upheld, making sometimes.
Pouring out substance, sometimestaking away gaming devices, all
those types of things and parentingoften a person who is another adult.
And so I work with those women to helpthem come back to themselves, find their
(02:36):
identity again, and especially findtheir identity in Christ, who is the.
I'm going to talk a little bit aboutthat in a minute, but I'm going
to start with the And that is theonly one that can transform us, who
is the only one that can save us.
And Kristen, as you and I have talkedabout in length, oftentimes the person
who is helping or wanting to help thatloved one does it out of great intentions,
but they are the loudest voice in theirloved one's ear rather than allowing God
(03:00):
to speak, natural consequences to happenand healthy boundaries to be set in place.
Yeah.
I know through our previous conversationsthat that's exactly what you're saying.
Like these women are tryingto, they're fixers, right?
They're trying to quote unquotefix everything and fix their
(03:20):
loved one because they love them.
They want them to, they want tohave a healthy relationship or a
healthy marriage or whatever that is.
But you Tanya are like, no,it hasn't worked yet because.
You're trying to do itin your own strength.
You are looking at the other persontrying to help them fix them when what
you need to do is look inside and look atyou and reclaim your identity in Christ
(03:46):
and be the person that God needs you tobe in order to support that loved one.
Absolutely.
And when, when women get to me, thesehigh functioning, very capable, highly
intelligent women are exhausted,Kristen, they have tried everything and
they've showed up at the big meetings.
They've gone to Al Anoncelebrate recovery.
(04:08):
Sometimes they're oftenin therapy themselves.
They have stepped in in every waythey know how, and it's not working.
And from my own personal story,that's a very similar state.
Most of them have not shot guns offin the backyard like I did, but, you
know, they are trying to be heard.
They're trying to get attention and notbecause they're self seeking, because
(04:32):
they're hurting and they're exhausted.
Here's the hard part.
They're trying to get attention.
They're trying to fix somethingthat's not theirs to fix.
And it was trying to get attentionfor somebody who is hurting
so deeply that they can't givethe attention that they want.
They can't give therelationship that they want.
But you and I both know, and Iwould imagine most of your audience
(04:54):
knows, where we get that attentionis from Christ himself, from Jesus,
from building that relationship.
So how I take this is to un Packtheir values to begin to look at what
their values are, where they may havestepped out and said, Okay, I'm going
to give up anything in, Galatians5 22 says to be long suffering.
(05:18):
What does that really look like?
And is God designing the wife, themom, the girlfriend to be miserable, So
that they can help this other person.
I mean, even saying thatout loud sounds confusing.
So what we really work onis what are your values?
Who are you?
What's important to you?
Yes.
This relationship is important, but Hey,if you go down, the whole ship goes down.
(05:43):
How do we build you up in Christ,in Jesus, get you the tools.
There truly are life changingtools that will allow you.
You dear one to be a value toyour loved one who is struggling
with addiction rather thanprobably who you are right now.
(06:03):
The bad guy, the thorn in their side,the person who's who they see as.
Not helpful.
And I know that's not who you wantto be, that you really want to
be the person that supports them.
There are very clear tools and the,the work and the the studies around
this have changed so much thatit's not about shutting them out.
(06:25):
It's about learning to love well.
Yeah.
Ooh, I love that.
Learning to love well.
Something else took out to me whileyou were talking is they're trying to
fix something that's not theirs to fix.
Right.
I mean,
oh my goodness.
I mean, I can relate even though,this, I don't have addiction that
runs in my family, but like you said,those high achieving Personality
(06:49):
women that we're, we, we're we,we are, we just wanna be fixers.
We want everything to go good.
We want everyone to be loved and be happy.
And I think that's a heartthat, that Jesus gave us.
We have a heart after Jesus.
So how do you integrate?
That and our faith and who we are intoyour coaching practice to empower them to
reclaim their identity in Christ so theyhave maybe that mindset shift of Okay,
(07:16):
I need to just lay this at Jesus feet.
He has this.
He's the fixer I I'm not I'm just gonnabe the vessel that loves my people.
Well,
absolutely, so We integrate this witha lot of Biblical stories and one of
the ones that I use a lot, well there'stwo that I use a lot, between the
(07:38):
prodigal son and the rich young ruler.
The rich young ruler comes to Jesus andhe says, Hey, I, I'm a man of faith.
I do this.
I keep the law.
I do all of this.
And if you know the story,you know where I'm going.
Jesus says, that's great.
Join me, join me.
And the, the rich young ruler says,okay, and Jesus said, well, first you
(08:00):
have to go sell everything becausehe doesn't want to have someone
who is divided in their loyalties.
And when we look at that, that's what'shappening often with women who are
supporting their loved ones with addictionis they are divided in their loyalties.
Often, and this is hard to hear folks,they've often made that family member
(08:24):
an idol, that if they would just getwell, if everything would go right with
them, then everything would be okay.
The mortgage would get paid,the kids would be fine, the cars
would run, the job would be okay.
What we know from working in thefield for, for over 15 years is those
problems are still going to be there.
Yes, the addiction needs to be dealt with,but everything is not going to be okay.
(08:48):
And that person, you saving thatrelationship is not going to save you.
So.
It's, it's a backwards flip ofif I say to myself, well, if
they're okay, then I'm okay.
So my job is to keep them okay.
So then I become the fixer.
I pretty much abandoned myself,my goals, my needs, my wants.
(09:13):
All fold into what itis to keep them happy.
That's not how we're designed.
We're designed to seek Jesus first,to look at what's important, and to,
to seek Him first, and then over,out of that outflow of His love
pouring in, we love other people.
(09:34):
So, we stress scriptural bases, welook at the applications, and then
we get into the real nitty grittyof, okay, you had that argument last
night, what's your responsibility,what's their responsibility, where
are you doing unhelpful help?
Yeah.
(09:54):
That's powerful.
It's a mindset shift that, we don'tknow how to do that thing because
that's not what, we were taught, andmaybe some of these women have come
from healthy whole families and thennow they're into this addiction.
Like, okay, now what?
Or it's been something that's kindof continued through generations
(10:15):
and it's just a ripple effect andthey're like still like, okay,
my parents didn't solve this.
It's kind of learnedbehavior moving forward.
How do I do the thing, right?
So I love how you share that and howyou talk about doing it on a faith-based
level, but more importantly, thoseaha moments and those light bulb
moments, these women need to haveof, okay, I can't do this on my own.
(10:39):
I need to make sure that I'm wholeand healthy in order to help them.
So in your experience.
What does finding one's voice or maybeeven finding one's identity in Christ,
renewing that or just having thoselight bulb moments that you were kind
of talking about contribute to creatinga safe and nurturing home environment
(11:04):
or like I like to call just that, thatjust being the woman that she needs to
be to have a safe place for her loved oneto get the help that they need to get.
It's really great that you asked thatquestion because it is often the person
who, it's often the wife, the mom,the girlfriend, who looks the craziest
(11:26):
because they have abandoned themselves.
Maybe they haven't been to thedoctor in five years or the
dentist in the last three years.
Maybe they haven't done anything thathas filled their cup in a long time.
And I'm talking about sleeping enoughor eating, foods that nourish their
body or spending time in the word.
Or even showing up at church.
(11:47):
Sometimes the shame is so high thatthey can't show up in community.
They can't show up in, in church.
So creating that safe place, thissounds so backwards to a lot of
people, means I have to get with God.
And look at what my needs are, becauseif I'm depending on this human to get
(12:08):
well, fulfill my needs, get back toeither how we were or, uh, break the
legacy and go forward in a differentway, I'm looking in the wrong place.
I'm looking at somebody whois going to fail me, right?
And God never lies.
This is a whole issue withaddiction of living that double
personality and all of those things.
(12:28):
God never lies.
He's always truthful.
He's always out for your good.
He's always gentle.
We're not having those reallydifficult conversations all the
time to where I'm exhausted.
I'm worn out.
Just one more day.
How am I going to getout up in the morning?
So when you're feeling all of thatexhaustion, frustration, anger, all of
(12:51):
those things, You're not a safe place.
You're not a safe place for your family.
In fact, in my life, I would come inthe door and immediately start barking.
Why isn't this cleaned up?
You guys have been here all day.
I just went to work.
Can you at least do this?
Can you do that?
Can you do the other?
I taught my family to hide from me.
(13:13):
Because I came in barking like that,what God has taught me is I can be
okay within myself and, and thereare women out here who believe this,
like I did of, if my house isn'ttogether, then I must not be together.
Right?
Well, that, that's not true.
Nowhere in the Bible doesit say you must keep a clean
(13:33):
house for, for God to love you.
Right?
So.
I was not in relationship with my family.
I was trying to control what wasuncontrollable for me to control,
which makes me extremely unsafe.
And let's get down to the nitty gritty.
It's not just It's not just the verbiageI was using, it is the lock in my jaw,
(13:56):
the sideways glance, the clench of myhands, even if I had walked in and walked
straight past them, they would havelooked at each other and gone, okay, we
need to get things cleaned up becauseotherwise she's not going to be happy.
I was teaching my children to be fixers.
I don't want them to be fixers.
I want them to be whole people whoare able to manage their emotions.
(14:18):
So if you can't manage your emotions,it's going to be very difficult to help
teach your children breaking that legacy,because what do we do with addiction?
We're going to numb out because wecan't manage the emotional level that's
going on, whether that be past pain,present pain, future pain, right?
So we're headed in thatway, gaming, on the phone.
(14:40):
Substance, whatever it is.
So that's, that's the key to safety iswe go to the one who is safe, the one
who is always providing shelter, theone who is always listening, right?
If we can't be heard in our own family, weneed to be out taking a walk with God and
(15:00):
saying, what do I need to be doing here?
How do I need to be listening?
What needs to change?
And then in my case, I'm such atalker that I just rolled over people
and got more and more demanding.
You will listen to me.
I will make it harder on you.
That doesn't help anybody who's in pain.
That makes them seek theirsubstance, device, whatever of
(15:23):
choice instead of being contained.
Knowing my own emotionalstructure, knowing that, hey,
I can't handle this right now.
I may need to go sit and have a cup oftea and be calm for a little bit before
I can deal with whatever is going on.
Yeah.
Oh my goodness.
Such good stuff.
(15:44):
You, you gave such good, tangible advicethat the woman listening who, who may have
a loved one or their husband dealing withaddiction can start to actually implement
and recognize how they're acting, howthey're showing up around their family.
So thank you so much for that.
That was, that was great.
And I know that you talk aboutlike the first couple steps of
(16:05):
things that they need to do.
You said looking.
at their values and what matters to them.
And I know in our discussions, yousay that boundaries are that main
thing that they need to set first.
So can you give us a few steps of howthey actually would maybe set those
boundaries instead of thinking thatthey're going to be closing everyone out
(16:27):
or just being locked in a, in a wall,like, oh, they see the people over there.
But no, it's boundaries thatmaybe help them start with
that self care that they need.
Boundaries are going tohelp you love people better.
It's, it, it seems odd to begin with, butyou're not creating this glass bubble.
You're not saying, I'm notgoing to be there for you.
(16:48):
They're going to help you love peoplebetter rather than Giving it all
away and just feeling so totallyworn out that you do it, but you
do it grudgingly and you do it withanger and you do it with frustration.
Because let me tell you, folks that goto addictions are highly intelligent.
Often they may be emotionallystunted, but they're very aware.
(17:12):
of what's happening emotionallybecause they'd have, they've had
to be to keep themselves safe.
So they know.
You're not hiding anything from themby plastering a smile and making,
going ahead and making breakfast.
You're not hiding a thing.
So the first thing I want toillustrate it with a little story.
My guys were little and I was headed toAl Anon and one of the things that was
(17:34):
happening was I was trying to stay up.
My husband was working nights and I wastrying to stay up and Be available for
him, but my kids were getting up at 6 a.
m.
in the morning and I went to myal anon group and I said, Guys,
ask this man to be home at 11.
I've begged him to be home at 11 Sowe could have a little time together.
We could connect and he just won't do it.
I've set a boundary And they lookedat me and they said, Oh, honey,
(17:58):
that's not setting a boundary.
A boundary is onlysomething you can control.
What are you going to do?
Are you going to go to his friend's house?
Are you going to go to the bar,drag him to the car, bring him
home, put him in the house.
So he's there when youask him to be there.
Now, in a healthy relationship with twohealthy people, that could have been a
discussion to where we agreed upon it.
(18:19):
We didn't agree upon it.
I told him.
As another adult, I told him heneeded to be home at 11 o'clock.
Now, how many of you, listening to this,would chafe if somebody said, Look, you
will be home at this time every night?
You'd be like, hmm.
I'm a little uncomfortable with that.
It was not a discussion, it was a tantrum.
So what I learned from the Al Anongroup was they said, look, a boundary
(18:41):
is only something you can control.
What is it that you need?
I said, I need to go to bed so I can bethere for those kiddos in the morning.
And they said, there's your boundaryis to share with your husband that
you are going, you love him, you'regoing to bed and that you will see
him in the morning and that youneed to be available for your kids.
(19:03):
Our joint kiddos in the morning andthat you're gonna trust that God will
take care of him because what's my fear?
He's dead on the road somewhere.
He's not taking care ofhimself something like that.
I can't control that for anotherperson In fact, Kristen and I were
just talking a deer hit me lastnight And busted out my windshield.
(19:23):
I had to drive 30 miles home withthe windshield flapping in the wind.
All those types of things.
That is something that couldhave happened to him too.
At that time we didn't have cell phones.
He wouldn't have been able to call me.
I wouldn't have known.
I could have stayed up all night.
Who is that helping?
That's not helping anybody at thatThis is a grown person who knows
(19:45):
how to manage himself and backto what am I really going to do?
So in setting that healthy boundary,when I got up in the morning, and
again, he worked at night, so wehad our family meal at breakfast.
I can fix pancakes.
I can fix, sausage, sit down, havea nice conversation with everybody.
Be an enjoyable, safe personto hear what was going on.
(20:08):
Did I still not like what was happening?
Yes, but I needed to take care ofmyself until he and God were ready
to make some changes because Iwasn't going to boundary him in.
This is important.
I wasn't going to boundaryhim into responsibility.
That's a misuse of boundaries.
(20:29):
Wow, such good information andanother mindset shift or a light
bulb moment that these women need tohave setting about setting boundaries
and not to like command something,but the boundaries are to allow you.
to love better, but also, so you, onceagain, going back to being the person
(20:52):
that you, that God created you tobe, healed healthy whole so that you
can be a safe place for your family.
So that the, these generational curses,we'll just call them, don't continue
from one generation to another.
So if you have kiddos, you canraise healed, healthy kiddos
in the midst of addiction.
(21:14):
Yes.
And what does scripture say?
It's better to live in the corner ofa rooftop than with a nagging wife.
So I just kept nagging, nagging,nagging, because I was trying to
boundary him into responsibility.
Whereas when I was taking care ofmyself, he wanted to come home.
He wanted to have a meal with me.
He wanted to spend time with ourfamily, but who wants to come home
to the double hips and waggingfinger of you're, you're not okay.
(21:38):
You're not doing it right.
Da, da, da, da, da.
This is not.
To say that we don't address theissues, we address them out of love.
We often turn things over to God.
And one of the things my husbandsaid to me after we went through
some more process was, I want tofeel as good as you seem to feel.
(22:02):
There's the compliment right there.
Yeah.
To show God, and this is scriptural,to show God in a way that other people
want to emulate what you're doing.
They want to be part of it ratherthan trying to force them into it.
Yeah.
Ooh, amen.
That's, we're going to end it right there.
That's powerful.
And then it's, once again,it's taking the weight off our
(22:23):
shoulders, giving it to Jesus.
And it's that person'sresponsibility to choose to get
the help that they need to get.
So they can feel as good as you feel.
Yeah, absolutely.
Oh, I love that.
So Tanya, you have agift for our listeners.
You want to tell us a littlebit about what that is?
Sure.
So I've put together a little mini course.
This will at least, as, asKristen was saying, this will at
(22:47):
least get the mind shift going.
I've put together a little mini course.
I'd like to give you, it'sno longer than an hour.
It's in little tiny chunks andit gives you the opportunity to
practice each step as you go along.
And then there's some bonuses in it.
One of my favorite is I've puttogether a resilience playlist.
So sometimes.
That's the practice that I'm doing rightnow is taking all my thoughts captive.
(23:11):
And sometimes I just can't get it.
So I put on the Spotify playlist, Ising along with contemporary Christian
music, or I just have it roll throughmy headphones and give it back to God
and say, I can't, I can't solve this.
I, I don't have the, the,the power to control another
person, nor would I want it.
(23:31):
Right?
Think about if your kids stayed fivefor the rest of their lives, right?
You wouldn't want that.
So this has those componentsto really get started.
So I hope you enjoy it andyou're able to implement it.
And here's my other thing.
You're not going to be ableto implement it perfectly.
So give yourself a break, do a littlepiece, start again, do a little
(23:53):
piece, start again, and you'll get it.
You'll get it.
Step by step.
Amen.
Well, thank you so much for that.
You can grab that in the show notesand links where you can connect with
Tanya, or if you're interested inall of a sudden you, you got some aha
moments and you're like, okay, I get it.
This is what I need.
If you want it to work with her,everything will be in the show notes.
You can connect with her.
(24:14):
So Tanya, thank you so much.
This has been absolutely amazing.
Thanks, Kristen.
I really appreciate you.
Hey, hey, welcome back to theKingdom Revolution podcast.
(00:02):
I'm so excited to haveTanya Goia with me today.
She is one of the Amazing women insidethe business by God's design Academy,
and I've just had such a pleasure workingwith her And just seeing her dreams
and her God given desires to help womenblossom and just to see Tanya just
(00:27):
step into who God's created her to be.
And I'm so thrilled to have hertalk about what she does today and
what inspired her to become a familyrecovery coach and an advocate for
Christian women supporting loved ones.
Through addiction.
So Tanya, welcome to thekingdom revolution podcast.
You are such a bold andamazing women of God.
(00:48):
So tell us a little bit about who you areand why did you, why were you inspired
to become a family recovery coach?
Well, thanks, Kristen.
And I do want to give you a shout out.
If you have not worked with Kristen,this is something you should step into.
We, we will get into this a littlebit, but I've had, I've had a
little bubble in my, in my familyrelationships and I was in the middle
(01:12):
of a summit while this was happening.
So I clung to God and Christian, Kristenas his voice, As I was processing through
this, she is such a wonderful supporter.
Of Christian women.
And I've been workedwith a lot of coaches.
She's such a wonderful supporter andexactly what I needed, kept cheering me
(01:32):
on and turning me back to the savior.
Every single time I said, I can't do this.
She's like, go, go get in yourprayer closet, get with God, get
with your Holy board of directors.
I'm like, okay, okay.
We're going to make it through.
So we did all that.
So great, great, great job, Kristen,really supporting women and, and
not supporting them in your ownstrength, but turning them back to.
(01:55):
The strength of all strength.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
And that's, that's part of what I doin my work is oftentimes women who are
struggling with loved ones with addictionare trying to do it all themselves.
They're trying to handle everythingthey're living, not only their life,
but they're living the other person'slife, making sure that they get to
(02:15):
work, making sure that the relationshipsget upheld, making sometimes.
Pouring out substance, sometimestaking away gaming devices, all
those types of things and parentingoften a person who is another adult.
And so I work with those women to helpthem come back to themselves, find their
(02:36):
identity again, and especially findtheir identity in Christ, who is the.
I'm going to talk a little bit aboutthat in a minute, but I'm going
to start with the And that is theonly one that can transform us, who
is the only one that can save us.
And Kristen, as you and I have talkedabout in length, oftentimes the person
who is helping or wanting to help thatloved one does it out of great intentions,
but they are the loudest voice in theirloved one's ear rather than allowing God
(03:00):
to speak, natural consequences to happenand healthy boundaries to be set in place.
Yeah.
I know through our previous conversationsthat that's exactly what you're saying.
Like these women are tryingto, they're fixers, right?
They're trying to quote unquotefix everything and fix their
(03:20):
loved one because they love them.
They want them to, they want tohave a healthy relationship or a
healthy marriage or whatever that is.
But you Tanya are like, no,it hasn't worked yet because.
You're trying to do itin your own strength.
You are looking at the other persontrying to help them fix them when what
you need to do is look inside and look atyou and reclaim your identity in Christ
(03:46):
and be the person that God needs you tobe in order to support that loved one.
Absolutely.
And when, when women get to me, thesehigh functioning, very capable, highly
intelligent women are exhausted,Kristen, they have tried everything and
they've showed up at the big meetings.
They've gone to Al Anoncelebrate recovery.
(04:08):
Sometimes they're oftenin therapy themselves.
They have stepped in in every waythey know how, and it's not working.
And from my own personal story,that's a very similar state.
Most of them have not shot guns offin the backyard like I did, but, you
know, they are trying to be heard.
They're trying to get attention and notbecause they're self seeking, because
(04:32):
they're hurting and they're exhausted.
Here's the hard part.
They're trying to get attention.
They're trying to fix somethingthat's not theirs to fix.
And it was trying to get attentionfor somebody who is hurting
so deeply that they can't givethe attention that they want.
They can't give therelationship that they want.
But you and I both know, and Iwould imagine most of your audience
(04:54):
knows, where we get that attentionis from Christ himself, from Jesus,
from building that relationship.
So how I take this is to un Packtheir values to begin to look at what
their values are, where they may havestepped out and said, Okay, I'm going
to give up anything in, Galatians5 22 says to be long suffering.
(05:18):
What does that really look like?
And is God designing the wife, themom, the girlfriend to be miserable, So
that they can help this other person.
I mean, even saying thatout loud sounds confusing.
So what we really work onis what are your values?
Who are you?
What's important to you?
Yes.
This relationship is important, but Hey,if you go down, the whole ship goes down.
(05:43):
How do we build you up in Christ,in Jesus, get you the tools.
There truly are life changingtools that will allow you.
You dear one to be a value toyour loved one who is struggling
with addiction rather thanprobably who you are right now.
(06:03):
The bad guy, the thorn in their side,the person who's who they see as.
Not helpful.
And I know that's not who you wantto be, that you really want to
be the person that supports them.
There are very clear tools and the,the work and the the studies around
this have changed so much thatit's not about shutting them out.
(06:25):
It's about learning to love well.
Yeah.
Ooh, I love that.
Learning to love well.
Something else took out to me whileyou were talking is they're trying to
fix something that's not theirs to fix.
Right.
I mean,
oh my goodness.
I mean, I can relate even though,this, I don't have addiction that
runs in my family, but like you said,those high achieving Personality
(06:49):
women that we're, we, we're we,we are, we just wanna be fixers.
We want everything to go good.
We want everyone to be loved and be happy.
And I think that's a heartthat, that Jesus gave us.
We have a heart after Jesus.
So how do you integrate?
That and our faith and who we are intoyour coaching practice to empower them to
reclaim their identity in Christ so theyhave maybe that mindset shift of Okay,
(07:16):
I need to just lay this at Jesus feet.
He has this.
He's the fixer I I'm not I'm just gonnabe the vessel that loves my people.
Well,
absolutely, so We integrate this witha lot of Biblical stories and one of
the ones that I use a lot, well there'stwo that I use a lot, between the
(07:38):
prodigal son and the rich young ruler.
The rich young ruler comes to Jesus andhe says, Hey, I, I'm a man of faith.
I do this.
I keep the law.
I do all of this.
And if you know the story,you know where I'm going.
Jesus says, that's great.
Join me, join me.
And the, the rich young ruler says,okay, and Jesus said, well, first you
(08:00):
have to go sell everything becausehe doesn't want to have someone
who is divided in their loyalties.
And when we look at that, that's what'shappening often with women who are
supporting their loved ones with addictionis they are divided in their loyalties.
Often, and this is hard to hear folks,they've often made that family member
(08:24):
an idol, that if they would just getwell, if everything would go right with
them, then everything would be okay.
The mortgage would get paid,the kids would be fine, the cars
would run, the job would be okay.
What we know from working in thefield for, for over 15 years is those
problems are still going to be there.
Yes, the addiction needs to be dealt with,but everything is not going to be okay.
(08:48):
And that person, you saving thatrelationship is not going to save you.
So.
It's, it's a backwards flip ofif I say to myself, well, if
they're okay, then I'm okay.
So my job is to keep them okay.
So then I become the fixer.
I pretty much abandoned myself,my goals, my needs, my wants.
(09:13):
All fold into what itis to keep them happy.
That's not how we're designed.
We're designed to seek Jesus first,to look at what's important, and to,
to seek Him first, and then over,out of that outflow of His love
pouring in, we love other people.
(09:34):
So, we stress scriptural bases, welook at the applications, and then
we get into the real nitty grittyof, okay, you had that argument last
night, what's your responsibility,what's their responsibility, where
are you doing unhelpful help?
Yeah.
(09:54):
That's powerful.
It's a mindset shift that, we don'tknow how to do that thing because
that's not what, we were taught, andmaybe some of these women have come
from healthy whole families and thennow they're into this addiction.
Like, okay, now what?
Or it's been something that's kindof continued through generations
(10:15):
and it's just a ripple effect andthey're like still like, okay,
my parents didn't solve this.
It's kind of learnedbehavior moving forward.
How do I do the thing, right?
So I love how you share that and howyou talk about doing it on a faith-based
level, but more importantly, thoseaha moments and those light bulb
moments, these women need to haveof, okay, I can't do this on my own.
(10:39):
I need to make sure that I'm wholeand healthy in order to help them.
So in your experience.
What does finding one's voice or maybeeven finding one's identity in Christ,
renewing that or just having thoselight bulb moments that you were kind
of talking about contribute to creatinga safe and nurturing home environment
(11:04):
or like I like to call just that, thatjust being the woman that she needs to
be to have a safe place for her loved oneto get the help that they need to get.
It's really great that you asked thatquestion because it is often the person
who, it's often the wife, the mom,the girlfriend, who looks the craziest
(11:26):
because they have abandoned themselves.
Maybe they haven't been to thedoctor in five years or the
dentist in the last three years.
Maybe they haven't done anything thathas filled their cup in a long time.
And I'm talking about sleeping enoughor eating, foods that nourish their
body or spending time in the word.
Or even showing up at church.
(11:47):
Sometimes the shame is so high thatthey can't show up in community.
They can't show up in, in church.
So creating that safe place, thissounds so backwards to a lot of
people, means I have to get with God.
And look at what my needs are, becauseif I'm depending on this human to get
(12:08):
well, fulfill my needs, get back toeither how we were or, uh, break the
legacy and go forward in a differentway, I'm looking in the wrong place.
I'm looking at somebody whois going to fail me, right?
And God never lies.
This is a whole issue withaddiction of living that double
personality and all of those things.
(12:28):
God never lies.
He's always truthful.
He's always out for your good.
He's always gentle.
We're not having those reallydifficult conversations all the
time to where I'm exhausted.
I'm worn out.
Just one more day.
How am I going to getout up in the morning?
So when you're feeling all of thatexhaustion, frustration, anger, all of
(12:51):
those things, You're not a safe place.
You're not a safe place for your family.
In fact, in my life, I would come inthe door and immediately start barking.
Why isn't this cleaned up?
You guys have been here all day.
I just went to work.
Can you at least do this?
Can you do that?
Can you do the other?
I taught my family to hide from me.
(13:13):
Because I came in barking like that,what God has taught me is I can be
okay within myself and, and thereare women out here who believe this,
like I did of, if my house isn'ttogether, then I must not be together.
Right?
Well, that, that's not true.
Nowhere in the Bible doesit say you must keep a clean
(13:33):
house for, for God to love you.
Right?
So.
I was not in relationship with my family.
I was trying to control what wasuncontrollable for me to control,
which makes me extremely unsafe.
And let's get down to the nitty gritty.
It's not just It's not just the verbiageI was using, it is the lock in my jaw,
(13:56):
the sideways glance, the clench of myhands, even if I had walked in and walked
straight past them, they would havelooked at each other and gone, okay, we
need to get things cleaned up becauseotherwise she's not going to be happy.
I was teaching my children to be fixers.
I don't want them to be fixers.
I want them to be whole people whoare able to manage their emotions.
(14:18):
So if you can't manage your emotions,it's going to be very difficult to help
teach your children breaking that legacy,because what do we do with addiction?
We're going to numb out because wecan't manage the emotional level that's
going on, whether that be past pain,present pain, future pain, right?
So we're headed in thatway, gaming, on the phone.
(14:40):
Substance, whatever it is.
So that's, that's the key to safety iswe go to the one who is safe, the one
who is always providing shelter, theone who is always listening, right?
If we can't be heard in our own family, weneed to be out taking a walk with God and
(15:00):
saying, what do I need to be doing here?
How do I need to be listening?
What needs to change?
And then in my case, I'm such atalker that I just rolled over people
and got more and more demanding.
You will listen to me.
I will make it harder on you.
That doesn't help anybody who's in pain.
That makes them seek theirsubstance, device, whatever of
(15:23):
choice instead of being contained.
Knowing my own emotionalstructure, knowing that, hey,
I can't handle this right now.
I may need to go sit and have a cup oftea and be calm for a little bit before
I can deal with whatever is going on.
Yeah.
Oh my goodness.
Such good stuff.
(15:44):
You, you gave such good, tangible advicethat the woman listening who, who may have
a loved one or their husband dealing withaddiction can start to actually implement
and recognize how they're acting, howthey're showing up around their family.
So thank you so much for that.
That was, that was great.
And I know that you talk aboutlike the first couple steps of
(16:05):
things that they need to do.
You said looking.
at their values and what matters to them.
And I know in our discussions, yousay that boundaries are that main
thing that they need to set first.
So can you give us a few steps of howthey actually would maybe set those
boundaries instead of thinking thatthey're going to be closing everyone out
(16:27):
or just being locked in a, in a wall,like, oh, they see the people over there.
But no, it's boundaries thatmaybe help them start with
that self care that they need.
Boundaries are going tohelp you love people better.
It's, it, it seems odd to begin with, butyou're not creating this glass bubble.
You're not saying, I'm notgoing to be there for you.
(16:48):
They're going to help you love peoplebetter rather than Giving it all
away and just feeling so totallyworn out that you do it, but you
do it grudgingly and you do it withanger and you do it with frustration.
Because let me tell you, folks that goto addictions are highly intelligent.
Often they may be emotionallystunted, but they're very aware.
(17:12):
of what's happening emotionallybecause they'd have, they've had
to be to keep themselves safe.
So they know.
You're not hiding anything from themby plastering a smile and making,
going ahead and making breakfast.
You're not hiding a thing.
So the first thing I want toillustrate it with a little story.
My guys were little and I was headed toAl Anon and one of the things that was
(17:34):
happening was I was trying to stay up.
My husband was working nights and I wastrying to stay up and Be available for
him, but my kids were getting up at 6 a.
m.
in the morning and I went to myal anon group and I said, Guys,
ask this man to be home at 11.
I've begged him to be home at 11 Sowe could have a little time together.
We could connect and he just won't do it.
I've set a boundary And they lookedat me and they said, Oh, honey,
(17:58):
that's not setting a boundary.
A boundary is onlysomething you can control.
What are you going to do?
Are you going to go to his friend's house?
Are you going to go to the bar,drag him to the car, bring him
home, put him in the house.
So he's there when youask him to be there.
Now, in a healthy relationship with twohealthy people, that could have been a
discussion to where we agreed upon it.
(18:19):
We didn't agree upon it.
I told him.
As another adult, I told him heneeded to be home at 11 o'clock.
Now, how many of you, listening to this,would chafe if somebody said, Look, you
will be home at this time every night?
You'd be like, hmm.
I'm a little uncomfortable with that.
It was not a discussion, it was a tantrum.
So what I learned from the Al Anongroup was they said, look, a boundary
(18:41):
is only something you can control.
What is it that you need?
I said, I need to go to bed so I can bethere for those kiddos in the morning.
And they said, there's your boundaryis to share with your husband that
you are going, you love him, you'regoing to bed and that you will see
him in the morning and that youneed to be available for your kids.
(19:03):
Our joint kiddos in the morning andthat you're gonna trust that God will
take care of him because what's my fear?
He's dead on the road somewhere.
He's not taking care ofhimself something like that.
I can't control that for anotherperson In fact, Kristen and I were
just talking a deer hit me lastnight And busted out my windshield.
(19:23):
I had to drive 30 miles home withthe windshield flapping in the wind.
All those types of things.
That is something that couldhave happened to him too.
At that time we didn't have cell phones.
He wouldn't have been able to call me.
I wouldn't have known.
I could have stayed up all night.
Who is that helping?
That's not helping anybody at thatThis is a grown person who knows
(19:45):
how to manage himself and backto what am I really going to do?
So in setting that healthy boundary,when I got up in the morning, and
again, he worked at night, so wehad our family meal at breakfast.
I can fix pancakes.
I can fix, sausage, sit down, havea nice conversation with everybody.
Be an enjoyable, safe personto hear what was going on.
(20:08):
Did I still not like what was happening?
Yes, but I needed to take care ofmyself until he and God were ready
to make some changes because Iwasn't going to boundary him in.
This is important.
I wasn't going to boundaryhim into responsibility.
That's a misuse of boundaries.
(20:29):
Wow, such good information andanother mindset shift or a light
bulb moment that these women need tohave setting about setting boundaries
and not to like command something,but the boundaries are to allow you.
to love better, but also, so you, onceagain, going back to being the person
(20:52):
that you, that God created you tobe, healed healthy whole so that you
can be a safe place for your family.
So that the, these generational curses,we'll just call them, don't continue
from one generation to another.
So if you have kiddos, you canraise healed, healthy kiddos
in the midst of addiction.
(21:14):
Yes.
And what does scripture say?
It's better to live in the corner ofa rooftop than with a nagging wife.
So I just kept nagging, nagging,nagging, because I was trying to
boundary him into responsibility.
Whereas when I was taking care ofmyself, he wanted to come home.
He wanted to have a meal with me.
He wanted to spend time with ourfamily, but who wants to come home
to the double hips and waggingfinger of you're, you're not okay.
(21:38):
You're not doing it right.
Da, da, da, da, da.
This is not.
To say that we don't address theissues, we address them out of love.
We often turn things over to God.
And one of the things my husbandsaid to me after we went through
some more process was, I want tofeel as good as you seem to feel.
(22:02):
There's the compliment right there.
Yeah.
To show God, and this is scriptural,to show God in a way that other people
want to emulate what you're doing.
They want to be part of it ratherthan trying to force them into it.
Yeah.
Ooh, amen.
That's, we're going to end it right there.
That's powerful.
And then it's, once again,it's taking the weight off our
(22:23):
shoulders, giving it to Jesus.
And it's that person'sresponsibility to choose to get
the help that they need to get.
So they can feel as good as you feel.
Yeah, absolutely.
Oh, I love that.
So Tanya, you have agift for our listeners.
You want to tell us a littlebit about what that is?
Sure.
So I've put together a little mini course.
This will at least, as, asKristen was saying, this will at
(22:47):
least get the mind shift going.
I've put together a little mini course.
I'd like to give you, it'sno longer than an hour.
It's in little tiny chunks andit gives you the opportunity to
practice each step as you go along.
And then there's some bonuses in it.
One of my favorite is I've puttogether a resilience playlist.
So sometimes.
That's the practice that I'm doing rightnow is taking all my thoughts captive.
(23:11):
And sometimes I just can't get it.
So I put on the Spotify playlist, Ising along with contemporary Christian
music, or I just have it roll throughmy headphones and give it back to God
and say, I can't, I can't solve this.
I, I don't have the, the,the power to control another
person, nor would I want it.
(23:31):
Right?
Think about if your kids stayed fivefor the rest of their lives, right?
You wouldn't want that.
So this has those componentsto really get started.
So I hope you enjoy it andyou're able to implement it.
And here's my other thing.
You're not going to be ableto implement it perfectly.
So give yourself a break, do a littlepiece, start again, do a little
(23:53):
piece, start again, and you'll get it.
You'll get it.
Step by step.
Amen.
Well, thank you so much for that.
You can grab that in the show notesand links where you can connect with
Tanya, or if you're interested inall of a sudden you, you got some aha
moments and you're like, okay, I get it.
This is what I need.
If you want it to work with her,everything will be in the show notes.
You can connect with her.
(24:14):
So Tanya, thank you so much.
This has been absolutely amazing.
Thanks, Kristen.
I really appreciate you.
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