February 11, 2025 • 45 mins
Kelly helps female entrepreneurs uncover the hidden emotional block and limiting beliefs that are getting in the way of their business goals so that they can stop stopping themselves and build a business and personal life that they really love.
In this episode, Kelly and I delve into the emotional barriers that women face, particularly after toxic relationships. We discuss the importance of self-discovery, compassion for past selves, and the impact of societal expectations on women's lives. Kelly shares her journey of recognizing covert narcissism and the signs of toxic relationships, emphasizing the power of self-compassion and emotional processing. The discussion highlights the significance of connection, community, and grounding practices in fostering self-love and personal growth.
Some takeaways:
- Self-discovery is crucial after leaving toxic relationships.
- Compassion for past selves can lead to healing.
- Societal expectations often pressure women into certain roles.
- Recognizing signs of toxic relationships is essential for self-protection.
- Breakups after 30 can come with unique challenges.
- Self-compassion is a powerful tool for healing.
- Embracing emotions allows for deeper joy and connection.
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Links to Connect with Kelly
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rewiredlifecoach/
Website: www.therewiredlife.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/kelyemccooeye
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Connect with Cilia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/selfexpressedbabe/
Watch this Episode on Youtube: https://youtu.be/qK_UxOsCzQ8
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I didn't even think about going there because I knew it would cost me everything and it
(00:04):
did.
Yeah.
But life has never been better.
Yes.
I have goosebumps as you say that.
Kelly McCooeye is a certified life coach and she calls herself the emotions coach because
she helps female entrepreneurs uncover the hidden emotional blocks and limiting beliefs
that are getting in the way of their business goals so that they can stop stopping themselves
(00:30):
and build a business and personal life that they really love.
I love that.
It's a really good one.
Good for grounding.
I'm recording already.
Welcome to Openly Spoken, the podcast to help you show up, speak out, and be seen.
(00:52):
On this podcast, we talk about self-love, relationships, sexuality, spirituality, and
more.
Hi, I'm your host Cilia Antoniou and I am a relationship and sexuality coach for ambitious
women with a history of toxic relationships who desire to reconnect to their sensuality
and who desire to feel worthy of receiving healthy love.
(01:13):
I celebrate you for hitting play on today's episode.
I hope that you find this very supportive and helpful.
And if you could show some support to the podcast by hitting subscribe on YouTube or
on Apple podcasts or on Spotify, wherever it is that you are listening to or watching
this episode, it would mean the absolute world to me.
(01:35):
Thank you so much for being here.
Now let's dive into today's episode.
Welcome to Openly Spoken, the podcast to help you show up, speak out, and be seen in healthy
(01:58):
relationships.
And thank you so much, Kelly, for being here today.
I'm very excited.
It's so fun.
So fun to be here.
Yes.
So I'm not sure if I updated you, but I know we've talked before about how with this podcast
and with the work I do, I help ambitious women with a history of toxic relationships feel
(02:19):
worthy of receiving healthy love.
I've also been still doing that, but focusing on that chapter of it's post breakup, but
it's you're not yet ready to date yet.
And I know that you talk a lot about getting over emotional barriers and all of that.
So when I bring up the topic of breakups, what are some of the first things that come
(02:42):
to mind for you that you think are important to talk about?
I think that the most vulnerable time after a breakup is when you think you're ready to
date and you have no idea that you have so much going on inside because it's so much
better than it was.
(03:03):
So you think it's good.
I remember after my divorce, I thought I was doing really well and it's only looking back
like in my mind, I feel like I was just walking around covered in gore from my marriage and
I had no idea because it was just so much better than it was.
Because the first morning where I was in my new place after we separated, I sat on my
(03:26):
couch and I turned on some quiet music and I sat there and I just started to weep.
I'm like, why am I crying?
And then I realized it was just from relief because no one was there judging me.
And so the relief and the change is so huge after you get out of a toxic relationship
(03:48):
that you think you're doing really well.
So then you're vulnerable, but you don't know it.
I think that's the most dangerous part because there's people out there looking for vulnerability.
I know.
I think what's also a piece there, which can be kind of triggering for some people to hear
(04:14):
is that that part is also vulnerable because we maybe have not taken the time yet to see
how did I contribute to that toxic dynamic.
I think it's very easy to see how our exes were toxic, especially when it's really bad.
Obviously a relationship with severe abuse is different, but when it's so obvious to
(04:37):
us how the other person is toxic, that can stop us from looking in the mirror and seeing
what did I bring.
And then if you jump back into dating too soon, it's inevitable that you're going to
bring those same behaviors.
Because you didn't leave yourself.
Yeah.
(04:58):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, my background is with covert narcissism.
Part of the process for me was understanding that some of what I went through was actually
abusive.
Yeah.
Understanding, okay, what brought me to the place where I got married when I was 18?
(05:21):
What brought me to the place where that was the best decision that I could make was to
marry that person when I was that old.
And that was a big change for me because I had looked at it with such regret and just
disgust that I had decided to do that when I was 18.
Asking that question, if that was really the best that I could do, what happened that I
(05:46):
was in the place where that was my best decision?
And so then it switched it to compassion.
Compassion for me and for all the things that had formed me and the decisions that I had
made up until then.
And then compassion for the abuse that I had gone through.
(06:07):
But also, when there's compassion, there's room to explore, okay, this was mine.
This was, I did this.
These are the decisions that I made.
So that was a big turning point for me.
Taking it back, responsibility.
And when you own it all, then you can take responsibility for what you've done and you
(06:31):
can understand the choices that you make with the situations you're in.
But you're not responsible for other people's reactions either.
I don't know.
I'm kind of wandering there.
I love that you turned that disgust for your past self into compassion.
And I'm curious how you did that.
I have been building a relationship with this 18 year old part of me.
(06:55):
I love that.
It started when I was like, when my marriage, the wheels were coming off and like in the
middle of divorce and all of that.
And we were in therapy and I'm like, there's this 18 year old part of me that is so angry.
And I start to listen to her.
And then throughout that whole process and in relationships afterward, I just keep checking
(07:18):
back with her.
Okay, what do you think about this person and how are you feeling right now?
And it was just kind of a really good check in to go, okay, parts of me are seeing things
that I don't see just as I'm going along through my day.
And then I started to do that more and more checking with different parts of me and building
(07:40):
relationship and connection.
Instead of trying to shut down the inner critic or whatever, I just turned and said, okay,
this part of me is criticizing.
What do you need?
Why are you criticizing?
What are you trying to protect me from?
Asking those questions and building relationship instead of shutting things down.
(08:02):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love that you bring this up about like there's like different parts of you, especially with
your 18 year old self, because I think a lot of people are familiar with things like inner
child work, but you don't hear, I mean, I don't see it anywhere to talk about inner
teenager work.
(08:23):
Yeah.
And even like inner 20 year old, inner 30 year old, inner 40 year old, like whatever
decades you've surpassed, like you said, inner critic, but there's also inner cheerleader.
There's so many facets.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Richard Schwartz's book, No Bad Parts was a big, a big eye opener for me because I listened
(08:46):
to it by accident.
I was walking one day.
I listened to music while I'm walking and I didn't have my glasses on and I just pressed
what I thought was the next playlist, but it was Spotify recommending an audio book.
I'm like, what?
But I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't figure it out.
So I just kept walking and kept listening.
Whoa.
And I was talking about what I have always done instinctively, having relationship and
(09:11):
connection and conversation with different parts of myself because I just talked to myself.
But he just does, he's like, has 40 years of experience in the research to back it up.
I'm like, this is really cool.
So yeah, I love that.
It's fun.
Yeah.
It's so cool to have those moments where you learn about something that's backed by research
(09:34):
and you're like, oh, this is something I've been doing.
And I think that really points to how a lot of self-love and self-development stuff isn't
about becoming a different person.
It's about remembering these things.
And allowing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And kind of like going back to how we naturally were before all of the societal conditioning
(09:57):
came in, just things that are innately natural.
Yes.
And then even like going back to the parts of ourselves that are stuck in those, that
pain or whatever, and then asking the question after like releasing the emotion of it, what
would you rather be?
(10:18):
And the, you know, the 11 year old part of me that was so scared of judgment, wanting
to be the pattern breaker, the pattern interrupter for other people.
And the part of me that was like child trapped in fear, wanting to be compassion and seeing
those two parts of myself, pattern breaking and compassion playing together in my mind.
(10:44):
And I'm like, well, that's literally what I do when I'm working with clients.
I'm helping them break patterns with compassion and it just allowing more of me to be me by
allowing them to go back to what they really want to do.
Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Yeah.
If there's anyone listening who's having a hard time with compassion, what would you,
(11:10):
what advice would you give them?
The question that a therapist asked me years ago that just stopped me in my tracks was
what do you need?
And it's such a simple question, but it's so fundamental and we just don't stop because
as a mom taking care of everyone else, no one ever asked me, what do you need?
(11:38):
And it just, I just broke when he asked me that question, but now it's like a regular
thing asking different parts of myself, what do you need?
And asking clients, what do you need in that instead of trying to avoid the emotion of
it, just step right into it and ask what do you need?
Yeah.
I like to also see when I ask, what do I need?
(12:01):
I like to see my body as, you know, speaking of motherhood, I'm not a mom myself, but I've
had many experiences where I've cared for babies as young as four months old.
I love babies.
And having had that experience for the first time in my 20s and realizing that a baby that
is four months old has some of the same, like those needs that the baby has doesn't go away
(12:26):
as we get older.
So with this question of what do I need, I like to take the perspective of my body is
this infant that I have to take care of because it has all these needs that we still have
from infancy.
Yes.
So that kind of like experience has helped me see like my body is my baby and like we
(12:47):
have to take care of our bodies because it's the vessel that we get to experience all of
life with.
Yeah.
I think like when I first started doing this with clients, I was understanding in my own
life and with them that it's so much easier to have compassion for a child.
(13:08):
So when you go back into a memory about something that happened when you're a child and just
ask what do you need?
Is it just a hug?
Do you just need to feel safe?
Do you need a cozy blanket to curl up and what is it that you need?
Then it starts to build new pathways in your brain so that you can start to have compassion
because you know it's you, but it's also a child.
(13:31):
So it starts to make it more familiar, more normal to have compassion for yourself.
And as you just do that more and more, then it becomes normal in everyday life to have
compassion for yourself.
Yes.
And then when you grow that compassion for yourself, you can have more compassion for
others.
(13:52):
Yes.
And that helps you move on from things like you mentioned earlier.
I think you said covert narcissistic abuse.
I've never talked about narcissism on this podcast and I'm curious if you could speak
to the difference between covert narcissism and narcissism.
What is the covert part?
Okay.
(14:12):
I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever, so I'm not the authority, but in
my experience, it's right there in the name.
From what I've read, there are a number of different variations of narcissism.
Covert narcissism in my experience is, well, everybody loved him.
I used to call him the golden boy.
(14:33):
Everybody just thought he was the nicest guy, but he was also very good at manipulating
and making everyone feel sorry for him, which I never understood as a way of life.
It's very odd to me, but because that's the last thing that I want is for people to feel
sorry for me, but he's very good at making people feel sorry for him, making people feel
like they're his best friend.
(14:54):
But it was always all my fault.
And it was my responsibility to clean up all the messes, physically and emotionally, no
matter what happened.
I was supposed to be there to take care of him.
My needs didn't matter.
Not only did they not matter, it was like anger making if I suggested that I had needs.
(15:15):
So it was always about me being smaller, shutting down large parts of who I am to be able to
take care of him and all of his expectations.
And it wasn't ever spoken.
That's the hardest part, I think, with covert narcissism is that it's not spoken.
(15:37):
When I started to read the book, the covert passive aggressive narcissist, I think it's
Debbie.
Write that one down.
I'm trying to remember her name.
I want to say Myers, but I don't think that's what it is.
I don't have it on the top of my head, but I started to read her descriptions and I'm
like, how does she know me?
I mean, everything like from from like kids experience and my own experience to sex life.
(16:04):
And I'm just like, how did she know?
And then it was like, I wasn't making this up.
Other people have the exact same experience.
It was mind blowing to me because that's the thing.
I thought it was all just me because that's exactly what he wanted me to believe.
Yeah, and it took a long time because you think that you should be fine.
(16:30):
Like what's wrong with you?
Everything looks fine.
People are jealous of your life.
Why people ask, oh, what's it like to be married to him?
Yeah, it was a trip.
Yeah, I'm so glad you got out of that.
Me too.
Yeah.
How did you start to recognize that it was time to leave?
(16:54):
Like what were some of the some of the telltale signs that you'd want to share here that for
anyone listening could kind of like look out for in case?
It was never for me.
Okay, part of it is just I'm really stubborn.
Part of it is that my background is very religious.
Okay.
(17:14):
So it wasn't just that I was in a relationship that was toxic.
It was that my religious beliefs wouldn't allow me to leave.
So I see my not saying all religious beliefs, but my religious beliefs were every bit as
abusive because that's what kept me where I was in a situation that was so harmful to
(17:35):
me where I had no power because if he was able to say, if you don't change, then I'm
just going to leave.
But I'm not allowed to say I'll leave.
I never have power in that situation.
There's always an imbalance of power.
So when it got to the position where my body was breaking down and emotionally I was just
(18:00):
I was seriously clinically depressed for many years.
And a friend of mine was talking about her relationship, her dad's relationship that
was breaking up and he was older.
And I just thought I would rather be dead than do this for another 25 years.
I can't do it.
I just, I can't, I would rather be dead.
(18:21):
Not that I was suicidal, but that I would rather be dead than do that for another 25
years.
And it just, as I thought about that over a few days after that conversation, it was
just so clear to me that if I stayed, if my physical health didn't kill me, my mental
health would.
And it was just this visceral choice to live.
(18:45):
I chose to live.
And the only way that I could live was to leave.
And it wasn't even me that brought up divorce.
He brought it up.
He made sure that everybody believed that it was me that was leaving.
But my internal process was I have to live.
And this is the only way I can live.
(19:05):
I mean, he was like a whole other conversation about divorce and we had already separated
it by that point and stuff.
But there's a lot going on in a divorce.
Not trying to say that it was all just one thing is all I'm saying.
So then a thing to look out for for people listening would be asking yourself, do you
(19:30):
want to do this for another 25 years?
Is that worth it to you?
Will you feel mentally healthy and happy?
Will you live?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the biggest thing that I've learned in that process is I get to decide.
It's my life.
(19:50):
Nobody gets to tell me how to live my life.
Nobody else gets to live my life.
And if this is the life that I get to live, I better live it the way that I want to live
in.
If it's not, I get to choose.
So you said that you were 18 when you got married.
I'm curious how old are you when you finally left?
(20:11):
47, I think I was.
That's a long time.
28 years.
That's a long time.
Wow.
Wow.
What do you think are some of the unique things that we go through when we go through a breakup
after age 30 versus before that?
(20:32):
So I feel like 30 is a point in a woman's life where we start to feel a little bit more,
I guess like adults or sometimes there's a narrative of, oh my gosh, I'm 30 or older
and now I'm alone.
It can be kind of scary.
Yeah.
I was all-
I know for you it might've been totally different because it was like, I need to live.
(20:55):
Yeah.
I don't know.
30 wasn't the milestone for me because I had three kids by the time I was 24.
I know that for my daughter 30 was a milestone, but my life was just very different.
I was already entering into perimenopause at that time too.
(21:19):
There's this thing that I can see so clearly from the other side of it that in younger
years as a woman especially, there are societal expectations that we, so much of our life
is about fitting into those expectations.
You get married, you go to school, you have kids, the relationship, all of it.
It's these expectations that we're trying to fit into.
(21:40):
And then you go through this thing where I don't know what happens with the hormones
in our brain and all of a sudden it's like, I don't care anymore.
I don't need your expectations to fulfill me because I've never had the approval anyway.
So clearly I don't need it.
This is what I want to do.
(22:00):
Yeah.
We don't get the approval no matter what we do.
Exactly.
Yeah.
We're either this or to that and those two things are opposites.
Yeah.
And then understanding that I can give myself the approval that I've been looking for all
my life is it's so incredibly freeing that now it's like, well, this is the kind of relationship
(22:26):
that I want, but I don't want this stuff in a relationship and I'll just make it look
like I want in a way if we want, if I'm in a relationship, but I get to choose.
I don't need to put a label on it.
I don't need it to fit into any kind of thing.
I don't know.
(22:46):
I don't know if I'm answering your question at all, but that's, I get to choose.
That's the thing.
Yeah.
And I, like, I remember talking to my daughter about relationships and she's like, well,
it doesn't really fit into this label, but sort of fits into this label.
I'm like, well, what do you actually want?
What does he want?
(23:08):
Do they agree?
So forget the label and just do what you want.
Yeah.
I think that doing what you want can, for a lot of women, be very tricky.
Yeah.
Especially with what you just mentioned about most of our life is about trying to fit into
societal expectations.
And I feel like that maybe, I mean, you could probably speak to this, that might even be
(23:28):
worse when you come from a religious community.
Yes.
Because I knew that it would cost me everything.
Yeah.
I knew it long before it ever happened.
I didn't even think about going there because I knew it would cost me everything.
And it did.
Yeah.
But life has never been better.
Yes.
(23:49):
I have goosebumps as you say that.
That cost you everything, but life has never been better.
Yeah.
I think that's the thing with any big choice that you're making out of an act of self-love.
It's scary to face it and it costs a lot, but the payout is so big.
(24:11):
Yeah.
But I don't think that we ever do, I don't think that we make those decisions because
we're looking for the payout.
Yeah.
We don't.
I didn't leave because I wanted my life to look like it does now.
Yeah.
I just wanted to live.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's like that thing.
I don't know where, it probably comes from psychology, but that people make decisions
(24:34):
based on two things.
They're either running towards something that's pleasurable or they're running away from pain.
So it's the running away from pain that like...
Yeah.
I had no concept of what the pleasurable would even be.
Yeah.
I didn't know.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(24:55):
It makes total sense.
That's why it's so mind blowing after we go through something like that, when we start
to experience healthier relationships for the first time, whether that's in romance or whether
that's just in friendship or whether you can notice how you're just able to be more present
with your kids.
And just like when you notice those shifts, you're like, I didn't know this existed.
(25:20):
Right?
Like I...
That part of me was broken.
That was a big one for me.
Yeah.
A big one for me was like, I didn't know men like this existed.
Like when I got into my first healthy relationship, I'm like, wait, what?
He cares about how I feel?
Orc.
Which is sad to say out loud because it's like...
(25:41):
So sad.
Yeah, he should care about how you feel.
But it's a part of our journeys.
It's like you mentioned earlier, as we learn, the key is to have compassion for our past
self and to not feel disgusted and to realize that the younger version of us was doing the
best she could with the tools she had at the time.
(26:04):
I listened to Brené Brown talk about that one day when I was driving and I was just
driving down the road just tears streaming.
I'm like, no, that can't be right.
That can't...
That can't have been the best that I could do, but that's what forced me to look at the
whole situation and then to step back and look at if that was the best I could do.
(26:28):
Then how did I get there?
Yeah.
Compassion.
So what is possible in your life now because of all of these decisions?
Everything.
I have learned to allow myself to feel instead of being stuck in the emotions, which means
(26:50):
that I can allow my emotions to come and go like they're supposed to.
I don't have to stay stuck in them, which means that I'm not afraid of my own emotion
because the worst that can happen in life is an emotion.
Doesn't matter what it is, what the situation is, the worst of it is always the emotion.
(27:14):
When you know how to process emotion, then you don't have to be afraid of the emotions
you might have if something goes badly, which means you can do anything.
So yeah, the respect and the gratitude that I have for past me in my face who risked everything
(27:39):
to live knowing that it was going to cost everything in order to set up life for me
now means that I'm working to set up my life for future me so that she'll look back at
me now with gratitude.
Yes.
Yeah.
It's just constant.
(28:01):
Every single day is better than the next.
Yeah.
It means that I can just tap into this deep well of joy whenever I need to instead of
being lost.
Yeah.
I also love this invitation to not be afraid of your emotions because-
Such a beautiful thing.
(28:22):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think a lot of us are kind of trained to label some emotions as bad or negative or
low vibration and then we avoid those.
We will do amazingly crazy things for an entire lifetime to avoid an emotion.
(28:44):
Yeah.
And when you understand that an emotion is just a vibration in your body, it just comes
and then it's gone.
If you actually stop and feel it, it's just an emotion.
Yeah.
I think if you actually stop and feel it, it's an opportunity to kind of go back to
equilibrium.
I have this analogy.
(29:04):
I actually just put together an ebook about it.
Analogy that we go through life with unprocessed emotions as if they're untied shoelaces and
we trip constantly and we're falling and hurting ourselves and doing all kinds of damage to
ourselves because we're always tripping over our shoelaces and we develop these incredible
(29:27):
ways to heal and cope with these shoelaces flapping around all over the place thinking
it's normal to have untied shoelaces and we never just stop to tie our shoelaces.
But when you understand how to process emotion, it takes like three minutes.
Yeah.
It's not hard to do at all.
(29:49):
Yeah.
Five steps, three minutes, there you go.
Just deal with it instead of tripping over it all the time.
It's a good metaphor.
I would say it is hard, but it's simple to do.
It's simple to do.
It is hard, but it's also simple.
It's hard because we're scared of it.
Yeah.
(30:10):
Scared of our own emotion because emotion says if you feel this, it's just going to
take over.
I remember having this scream that felt like it was stuck in my throat in my 20s.
It was like the scream and I was sure that if I let it out, it would never stop.
But that's what emotion does.
It feels like it's going to take over.
(30:31):
But once you get past that and just feel it, it's not that bad.
It's just emotion.
I went through a breakup after my divorce.
I was in a relationship for four years and it was like two weeks after we broke up that
I just cried and it would come in waves.
I just let it come and just let it be what it was.
(30:55):
After a couple of weeks, I was like, I'm good.
There were still some things I worked through later, but for the most part, I wasn't lost
in the pain anymore.
I was good.
Not because I decided I didn't want to feel anymore, but because I had actually felt it.
Yeah, for sure.
There was a time when I was 29 and I went through a breakup that completely blindsided
(31:23):
me.
I thought I was with the person I was going to marry and we had just moved to New York
City.
We'd been living there for I think about six-ish months, maybe less, and he ended things.
Just a few days later, I went to this class because I didn't want to cancel on my friend.
I'd made these plans before the breakup happened.
(31:45):
I went to this class that was this.
It was called the dynamic meditation.
I remember walking in that morning.
It was like a freezing cold New York City, February, wintery morning.
This place was maybe three blocks from my apartment.
When I walked in, I was like, I am never going to be happy ever again.
(32:07):
I remember having that thought.
In this dynamic meditation, we were doing things like breathwork.
We were encouraged to flail around and scream.
It was basically a solid hour of exhausting emotional release, but in a safe way.
(32:29):
At the end, I was smiling from ear to ear and it was genuine.
That experience helped me realize that all the pain wasn't gone.
Yeah, I was still like, I have no idea what I'm doing next in life.
Here I am in New York City with no family and what?
(32:51):
But at the same time, you can still access joy.
Exactly.
That's it.
It's not that you stop feeling.
It's that you're not stuck in it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I hear it from people all the time.
Well, I just want to stop feeling this.
I'm like, well, you're human.
(33:11):
You're not meant to stop feeling a certain emotion.
You're supposed to feel.
That's the point.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Another thing that taught me was the deeper you can allow yourself to feel the pain, the
deeper you will actually feel the opposite emotions too.
Yes.
(33:32):
Exactly.
That's what it was using to me.
Yeah.
There was this really clear moment after my divorce.
I was driving down the road and there was this fork in the road.
I was like, okay, either I harden my heart and stay angry and just live like that to
protect myself from the pain or I choose to keep my heart open knowing that I'm going
(33:54):
to get hurt more.
And I chose to keep my heart open.
And it was just like, one of those things is like, it doesn't look like a big thing
at the time, but it changes the trajectory of where you're going.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love this conversation.
I'm always like, okay, I don't know all the fad words and the philosophies that are going
(34:17):
on at the time because I just don't keep up with all of that.
I just understand me and I understand people.
Yeah.
And I just have conversation.
Just be real.
I don't care if it's a certain kind of energy or a certain kind of, I don't care.
Just tell me what you need.
(34:39):
Yeah.
I'm like, what are the fad words for?
Oh no.
I don't know them either.
What's one of your favorite practices to allow yourself to feel the full spectrum and to
access anything and everything?
I did this thing about meditation a few years ago.
(35:03):
What's his name?
Vishen Lakhiani with Mindvalley about learning to meditate, not in the traditional kind of
meditation, but to bring yourself into alpha level brainwaves.
What is that?
Now you're using fad words.
Alpha level brainwaves is like when you're kind of drifting to sleep or drifting awake.
(35:28):
So I did the process where I just put my fingers together and it's connected, it's a cue to
my brain to go into that.
Sometimes I just need to count down.
But not that that's anything specific.
That's just the cue that I've taught my brain to go there.
(35:50):
So that if I count down backwards or imagine I'm walking down a stairs, I'm kind of self-hypnotizing
myself.
Then that's where I go to just talk to myself, talk to parts of myself, check in with what's
going on.
And then I also do mind shifting, which is the modality that I use with clients where
(36:12):
it's like a series of questions, seven questions where the first questions are bringing up
the subconscious emotions into the consciousness.
And then the next questions are about possibilities.
So what needs to happen for this to not be a problem?
What would you rather feel?
So you're going back and forth between releasing the subconscious emotion and thinking possibilities.
(36:37):
And that process just gets your brain unstuck.
It's the wildest thing.
I often feel like when I've done a session, like when it's on me, I've done like three
years of therapy in an hour because it's so deep.
It just like, whoa.
But yeah, when you get used to doing that, asking what needs to happen for this to not
(36:59):
be a problem, you start thinking impossibilities and you can go really fast to thinking outside
of the problem.
And when I say problem, I mean a situation that you have emotional resistance to.
So if I am planning to go get groceries today, I don't have emotional resistance to that.
(37:22):
If I say I'm going to make $10,000 this month, I have some emotional resistance to that.
It releases the emotional resistance to the situation so that it's just a situation.
It's just a thing.
And then you can see it differently because if you're going to get groceries and there's
a roadblock and you don't have emotional buy-in to having to drive on that road to get groceries,
(37:48):
then you find a different route.
So then it's just a thing.
You just think differently.
Think impossibilities.
I think that like when we're listening to people teach and stuff, it's not so much that
they are giving us knowledge.
They're giving us possibilities.
Just opening our brain.
(38:10):
I don't know if that answered your question or not.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I asked you, I don't really remember what question I asked you, but it was something
with like, what are your favorite things to feel everything?
The modalities that I use or the process that I used to feel.
Yeah.
I meditate a lot in that way.
(38:31):
I also do that when I'm waking up in the middle of the night and having trouble getting back
to sleep.
Yeah.
I think meditation is definitely a foundational piece to something like feeling your emotions
because when you're meditating, you're practicing noticing.
And you're also grounding yourself and that grounding creates a lot of safety to be able
(38:53):
to go into those emotions that you tend to resist without it kind of escalating to a
place where it's too much.
Yes.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
What I'm saying?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
It's definitely the foundation, but I feel like a lot of people have resistance to practicing
(39:15):
meditation and mindfulness daily.
Daily.
I will always advocate it's much better to meditate or do breath work or do some sort
of mindfulness practice for one minute every single day than to do it once a week for 30
minutes because I think that daily repetition is what makes it a habit off of your meditation
(39:42):
cushion.
Yes.
Totally.
That's what you want.
You want it to become a habit that you take into your life.
Yeah.
It's a relationship that you build.
And if you spend a week with someone and not go back to it or you spend a couple of minutes
(40:02):
every day connecting with them instead, you build a relationship long-term if you're connecting
with them in a little bit at a time.
Yeah.
Okay.
So there are a couple of questions that I ask each guest and I think now would be a
good time to bring those up.
The first one is what does self-love mean to you?
(40:25):
Connection.
Always connection.
Relationship with myself in the sense that I'm talking to myself, asking what do I need,
allowing myself to feel what I feel.
Relationship.
In the same way that when I have these two friends that we meet every week on Zoom because
they don't live close to me but I've known them for 30 years and we just talk about whatever
(40:46):
is going on and we allow each other to be where we are.
There's no agenda.
We're just allowing each other to be.
We talk about interior design and the books we're reading and our relationships and the
deepest darkest fears.
Everything we just talk, it's just relationship.
It's the same with me, just allowing myself to have that relationship connection.
(41:09):
I love that.
Yeah, we're so lucky to have video calls.
Yes.
Changed everything.
That's something that's so accessible.
I know Skype was around for a while but Zoom and Google Meet and all the other things are
a lot more easy to use.
(41:30):
What makes you feel the most grounded?
I think when I allow myself to feel, especially when I'm listening to music and just walk
and listen to music and feel and just be in the world, take up space, I walk a lot and
(41:50):
listen to music.
It's a good practice.
Yeah, it can be meditative, I'm sure.
The next question is, what is your favorite part about being a woman?
I can't imagine being not a woman.
I know, right?
(42:11):
It's a pretty weird question.
Take me a minute to get my head around that.
I love the relationships that I have.
Really deep relationships with women is my normal and always has been.
Men struggle with that so much because they're so conditioned to not talk about their emotions
(42:33):
that they struggle with going deep.
That just seems so sad to me because they just miss it.
I think a lot of men go into relationships simply because we allow them to explore those
parts of themselves if they're willing to go there or to be soft.
(42:55):
I have a slightly mischievous personality.
I get into all kinds of trouble that I can get away with because I'm a woman.
I don't know if that's a good thing, but...
I love it.
Yeah.
Why do you think that you can get away with it because of being a woman?
(43:19):
Because they just think that I'm just being cute or harmless.
I'm thinking circles around them.
I don't know.
So for people that have tuned into this episode, I would love to pass the mic to you to talk
more about your work and who you serve, what you do, and where people can connect with
(43:44):
you.
I help ambitious female entrepreneurs who are doing all the things, building their business,
their lives, and still carrying those weights from the past.
The weights are holding them back.
I am constantly curious about what they could do if they didn't have those weights holding
(44:08):
them.
So I help them with a combination of intuitive coaching and mind shifting to clear those
weights and to go into the traumatic memories and the beliefs and identities that were formed
so long ago and just untie the weights that are holding them back so that they can be
(44:33):
who they were meant to be, so that they can just own their lives and take their power
back.
I'm really focused on helping women take their power back.
So yeah, my website is therewiredlife.com.
I do one-on-one coaching and I'm working on some digital courses that aren't out yet.
(44:59):
But one-on-one is my thing.
I really love that connecting with people and just walking through those deep things
with people to create a safe space for people to be who they are, to just let down the walls,
the expectations, the judgments, and just be and get to know themselves.
(45:21):
And are you on social media?
Yeah, I am on Facebook, mostly on Facebook really.
It's Kelly E. McCooeye
I'm on Instagram, which is rewiredlifecoach and my website.
Cool.
I will include all those links in the description.
(45:43):
Thank you so much.
I didn't even think about going there because I knew it would cost me everything and it
(00:04):
did.
Yeah.
But life has never been better.
Yes.
I have goosebumps as you say that.
Kelly McCooeye is a certified life coach and she calls herself the emotions coach because
she helps female entrepreneurs uncover the hidden emotional blocks and limiting beliefs
that are getting in the way of their business goals so that they can stop stopping themselves
(00:30):
and build a business and personal life that they really love.
I love that.
It's a really good one.
Good for grounding.
I'm recording already.
Welcome to Openly Spoken, the podcast to help you show up, speak out, and be seen.
(00:52):
On this podcast, we talk about self-love, relationships, sexuality, spirituality, and
more.
Hi, I'm your host Cilia Antoniou and I am a relationship and sexuality coach for ambitious
women with a history of toxic relationships who desire to reconnect to their sensuality
and who desire to feel worthy of receiving healthy love.
(01:13):
I celebrate you for hitting play on today's episode.
I hope that you find this very supportive and helpful.
And if you could show some support to the podcast by hitting subscribe on YouTube or
on Apple podcasts or on Spotify, wherever it is that you are listening to or watching
this episode, it would mean the absolute world to me.
(01:35):
Thank you so much for being here.
Now let's dive into today's episode.
Welcome to Openly Spoken, the podcast to help you show up, speak out, and be seen in healthy
(01:58):
relationships.
And thank you so much, Kelly, for being here today.
I'm very excited.
It's so fun.
So fun to be here.
Yes.
So I'm not sure if I updated you, but I know we've talked before about how with this podcast
and with the work I do, I help ambitious women with a history of toxic relationships feel
(02:19):
worthy of receiving healthy love.
I've also been still doing that, but focusing on that chapter of it's post breakup, but
it's you're not yet ready to date yet.
And I know that you talk a lot about getting over emotional barriers and all of that.
So when I bring up the topic of breakups, what are some of the first things that come
(02:42):
to mind for you that you think are important to talk about?
I think that the most vulnerable time after a breakup is when you think you're ready to
date and you have no idea that you have so much going on inside because it's so much
better than it was.
(03:03):
So you think it's good.
I remember after my divorce, I thought I was doing really well and it's only looking back
like in my mind, I feel like I was just walking around covered in gore from my marriage and
I had no idea because it was just so much better than it was.
Because the first morning where I was in my new place after we separated, I sat on my
(03:26):
couch and I turned on some quiet music and I sat there and I just started to weep.
I'm like, why am I crying?
And then I realized it was just from relief because no one was there judging me.
And so the relief and the change is so huge after you get out of a toxic relationship
(03:48):
that you think you're doing really well.
So then you're vulnerable, but you don't know it.
I think that's the most dangerous part because there's people out there looking for vulnerability.
I know.
I think what's also a piece there, which can be kind of triggering for some people to hear
(04:14):
is that that part is also vulnerable because we maybe have not taken the time yet to see
how did I contribute to that toxic dynamic.
I think it's very easy to see how our exes were toxic, especially when it's really bad.
Obviously a relationship with severe abuse is different, but when it's so obvious to
(04:37):
us how the other person is toxic, that can stop us from looking in the mirror and seeing
what did I bring.
And then if you jump back into dating too soon, it's inevitable that you're going to
bring those same behaviors.
Because you didn't leave yourself.
Yeah.
(04:58):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, my background is with covert narcissism.
Part of the process for me was understanding that some of what I went through was actually
abusive.
Yeah.
Understanding, okay, what brought me to the place where I got married when I was 18?
(05:21):
What brought me to the place where that was the best decision that I could make was to
marry that person when I was that old.
And that was a big change for me because I had looked at it with such regret and just
disgust that I had decided to do that when I was 18.
Asking that question, if that was really the best that I could do, what happened that I
(05:46):
was in the place where that was my best decision?
And so then it switched it to compassion.
Compassion for me and for all the things that had formed me and the decisions that I had
made up until then.
And then compassion for the abuse that I had gone through.
(06:07):
But also, when there's compassion, there's room to explore, okay, this was mine.
This was, I did this.
These are the decisions that I made.
So that was a big turning point for me.
Taking it back, responsibility.
And when you own it all, then you can take responsibility for what you've done and you
(06:31):
can understand the choices that you make with the situations you're in.
But you're not responsible for other people's reactions either.
I don't know.
I'm kind of wandering there.
I love that you turned that disgust for your past self into compassion.
And I'm curious how you did that.
I have been building a relationship with this 18 year old part of me.
(06:55):
I love that.
It started when I was like, when my marriage, the wheels were coming off and like in the
middle of divorce and all of that.
And we were in therapy and I'm like, there's this 18 year old part of me that is so angry.
And I start to listen to her.
And then throughout that whole process and in relationships afterward, I just keep checking
(07:18):
back with her.
Okay, what do you think about this person and how are you feeling right now?
And it was just kind of a really good check in to go, okay, parts of me are seeing things
that I don't see just as I'm going along through my day.
And then I started to do that more and more checking with different parts of me and building
(07:40):
relationship and connection.
Instead of trying to shut down the inner critic or whatever, I just turned and said, okay,
this part of me is criticizing.
What do you need?
Why are you criticizing?
What are you trying to protect me from?
Asking those questions and building relationship instead of shutting things down.
(08:02):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love that you bring this up about like there's like different parts of you, especially with
your 18 year old self, because I think a lot of people are familiar with things like inner
child work, but you don't hear, I mean, I don't see it anywhere to talk about inner
teenager work.
(08:23):
Yeah.
And even like inner 20 year old, inner 30 year old, inner 40 year old, like whatever
decades you've surpassed, like you said, inner critic, but there's also inner cheerleader.
There's so many facets.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Richard Schwartz's book, No Bad Parts was a big, a big eye opener for me because I listened
(08:46):
to it by accident.
I was walking one day.
I listened to music while I'm walking and I didn't have my glasses on and I just pressed
what I thought was the next playlist, but it was Spotify recommending an audio book.
I'm like, what?
But I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't figure it out.
So I just kept walking and kept listening.
Whoa.
And I was talking about what I have always done instinctively, having relationship and
(09:11):
connection and conversation with different parts of myself because I just talked to myself.
But he just does, he's like, has 40 years of experience in the research to back it up.
I'm like, this is really cool.
So yeah, I love that.
It's fun.
Yeah.
It's so cool to have those moments where you learn about something that's backed by research
(09:34):
and you're like, oh, this is something I've been doing.
And I think that really points to how a lot of self-love and self-development stuff isn't
about becoming a different person.
It's about remembering these things.
And allowing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And kind of like going back to how we naturally were before all of the societal conditioning
(09:57):
came in, just things that are innately natural.
Yes.
And then even like going back to the parts of ourselves that are stuck in those, that
pain or whatever, and then asking the question after like releasing the emotion of it, what
would you rather be?
(10:18):
And the, you know, the 11 year old part of me that was so scared of judgment, wanting
to be the pattern breaker, the pattern interrupter for other people.
And the part of me that was like child trapped in fear, wanting to be compassion and seeing
those two parts of myself, pattern breaking and compassion playing together in my mind.
(10:44):
And I'm like, well, that's literally what I do when I'm working with clients.
I'm helping them break patterns with compassion and it just allowing more of me to be me by
allowing them to go back to what they really want to do.
Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Yeah.
If there's anyone listening who's having a hard time with compassion, what would you,
(11:10):
what advice would you give them?
The question that a therapist asked me years ago that just stopped me in my tracks was
what do you need?
And it's such a simple question, but it's so fundamental and we just don't stop because
as a mom taking care of everyone else, no one ever asked me, what do you need?
(11:38):
And it just, I just broke when he asked me that question, but now it's like a regular
thing asking different parts of myself, what do you need?
And asking clients, what do you need in that instead of trying to avoid the emotion of
it, just step right into it and ask what do you need?
Yeah.
I like to also see when I ask, what do I need?
(12:01):
I like to see my body as, you know, speaking of motherhood, I'm not a mom myself, but I've
had many experiences where I've cared for babies as young as four months old.
I love babies.
And having had that experience for the first time in my 20s and realizing that a baby that
is four months old has some of the same, like those needs that the baby has doesn't go away
(12:26):
as we get older.
So with this question of what do I need, I like to take the perspective of my body is
this infant that I have to take care of because it has all these needs that we still have
from infancy.
Yes.
So that kind of like experience has helped me see like my body is my baby and like we
(12:47):
have to take care of our bodies because it's the vessel that we get to experience all of
life with.
Yeah.
I think like when I first started doing this with clients, I was understanding in my own
life and with them that it's so much easier to have compassion for a child.
(13:08):
So when you go back into a memory about something that happened when you're a child and just
ask what do you need?
Is it just a hug?
Do you just need to feel safe?
Do you need a cozy blanket to curl up and what is it that you need?
Then it starts to build new pathways in your brain so that you can start to have compassion
because you know it's you, but it's also a child.
(13:31):
So it starts to make it more familiar, more normal to have compassion for yourself.
And as you just do that more and more, then it becomes normal in everyday life to have
compassion for yourself.
Yes.
And then when you grow that compassion for yourself, you can have more compassion for
others.
(13:52):
Yes.
And that helps you move on from things like you mentioned earlier.
I think you said covert narcissistic abuse.
I've never talked about narcissism on this podcast and I'm curious if you could speak
to the difference between covert narcissism and narcissism.
What is the covert part?
Okay.
(14:12):
I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever, so I'm not the authority, but in
my experience, it's right there in the name.
From what I've read, there are a number of different variations of narcissism.
Covert narcissism in my experience is, well, everybody loved him.
I used to call him the golden boy.
(14:33):
Everybody just thought he was the nicest guy, but he was also very good at manipulating
and making everyone feel sorry for him, which I never understood as a way of life.
It's very odd to me, but because that's the last thing that I want is for people to feel
sorry for me, but he's very good at making people feel sorry for him, making people feel
like they're his best friend.
(14:54):
But it was always all my fault.
And it was my responsibility to clean up all the messes, physically and emotionally, no
matter what happened.
I was supposed to be there to take care of him.
My needs didn't matter.
Not only did they not matter, it was like anger making if I suggested that I had needs.
(15:15):
So it was always about me being smaller, shutting down large parts of who I am to be able to
take care of him and all of his expectations.
And it wasn't ever spoken.
That's the hardest part, I think, with covert narcissism is that it's not spoken.
(15:37):
When I started to read the book, the covert passive aggressive narcissist, I think it's
Debbie.
Write that one down.
I'm trying to remember her name.
I want to say Myers, but I don't think that's what it is.
I don't have it on the top of my head, but I started to read her descriptions and I'm
like, how does she know me?
I mean, everything like from from like kids experience and my own experience to sex life.
(16:04):
And I'm just like, how did she know?
And then it was like, I wasn't making this up.
Other people have the exact same experience.
It was mind blowing to me because that's the thing.
I thought it was all just me because that's exactly what he wanted me to believe.
Yeah, and it took a long time because you think that you should be fine.
(16:30):
Like what's wrong with you?
Everything looks fine.
People are jealous of your life.
Why people ask, oh, what's it like to be married to him?
Yeah, it was a trip.
Yeah, I'm so glad you got out of that.
Me too.
Yeah.
How did you start to recognize that it was time to leave?
(16:54):
Like what were some of the some of the telltale signs that you'd want to share here that for
anyone listening could kind of like look out for in case?
It was never for me.
Okay, part of it is just I'm really stubborn.
Part of it is that my background is very religious.
Okay.
(17:14):
So it wasn't just that I was in a relationship that was toxic.
It was that my religious beliefs wouldn't allow me to leave.
So I see my not saying all religious beliefs, but my religious beliefs were every bit as
abusive because that's what kept me where I was in a situation that was so harmful to
(17:35):
me where I had no power because if he was able to say, if you don't change, then I'm
just going to leave.
But I'm not allowed to say I'll leave.
I never have power in that situation.
There's always an imbalance of power.
So when it got to the position where my body was breaking down and emotionally I was just
(18:00):
I was seriously clinically depressed for many years.
And a friend of mine was talking about her relationship, her dad's relationship that
was breaking up and he was older.
And I just thought I would rather be dead than do this for another 25 years.
I can't do it.
I just, I can't, I would rather be dead.
(18:21):
Not that I was suicidal, but that I would rather be dead than do that for another 25
years.
And it just, as I thought about that over a few days after that conversation, it was
just so clear to me that if I stayed, if my physical health didn't kill me, my mental
health would.
And it was just this visceral choice to live.
(18:45):
I chose to live.
And the only way that I could live was to leave.
And it wasn't even me that brought up divorce.
He brought it up.
He made sure that everybody believed that it was me that was leaving.
But my internal process was I have to live.
And this is the only way I can live.
(19:05):
I mean, he was like a whole other conversation about divorce and we had already separated
it by that point and stuff.
But there's a lot going on in a divorce.
Not trying to say that it was all just one thing is all I'm saying.
So then a thing to look out for for people listening would be asking yourself, do you
(19:30):
want to do this for another 25 years?
Is that worth it to you?
Will you feel mentally healthy and happy?
Will you live?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the biggest thing that I've learned in that process is I get to decide.
It's my life.
(19:50):
Nobody gets to tell me how to live my life.
Nobody else gets to live my life.
And if this is the life that I get to live, I better live it the way that I want to live
in.
If it's not, I get to choose.
So you said that you were 18 when you got married.
I'm curious how old are you when you finally left?
(20:11):
47, I think I was.
That's a long time.
28 years.
That's a long time.
Wow.
Wow.
What do you think are some of the unique things that we go through when we go through a breakup
after age 30 versus before that?
(20:32):
So I feel like 30 is a point in a woman's life where we start to feel a little bit more,
I guess like adults or sometimes there's a narrative of, oh my gosh, I'm 30 or older
and now I'm alone.
It can be kind of scary.
Yeah.
I was all-
I know for you it might've been totally different because it was like, I need to live.
(20:55):
Yeah.
I don't know.
30 wasn't the milestone for me because I had three kids by the time I was 24.
I know that for my daughter 30 was a milestone, but my life was just very different.
I was already entering into perimenopause at that time too.
(21:19):
There's this thing that I can see so clearly from the other side of it that in younger
years as a woman especially, there are societal expectations that we, so much of our life
is about fitting into those expectations.
You get married, you go to school, you have kids, the relationship, all of it.
It's these expectations that we're trying to fit into.
(21:40):
And then you go through this thing where I don't know what happens with the hormones
in our brain and all of a sudden it's like, I don't care anymore.
I don't need your expectations to fulfill me because I've never had the approval anyway.
So clearly I don't need it.
This is what I want to do.
(22:00):
Yeah.
We don't get the approval no matter what we do.
Exactly.
Yeah.
We're either this or to that and those two things are opposites.
Yeah.
And then understanding that I can give myself the approval that I've been looking for all
my life is it's so incredibly freeing that now it's like, well, this is the kind of relationship
(22:26):
that I want, but I don't want this stuff in a relationship and I'll just make it look
like I want in a way if we want, if I'm in a relationship, but I get to choose.
I don't need to put a label on it.
I don't need it to fit into any kind of thing.
I don't know.
(22:46):
I don't know if I'm answering your question at all, but that's, I get to choose.
That's the thing.
Yeah.
And I, like, I remember talking to my daughter about relationships and she's like, well,
it doesn't really fit into this label, but sort of fits into this label.
I'm like, well, what do you actually want?
What does he want?
(23:08):
Do they agree?
So forget the label and just do what you want.
Yeah.
I think that doing what you want can, for a lot of women, be very tricky.
Yeah.
Especially with what you just mentioned about most of our life is about trying to fit into
societal expectations.
And I feel like that maybe, I mean, you could probably speak to this, that might even be
(23:28):
worse when you come from a religious community.
Yes.
Because I knew that it would cost me everything.
Yeah.
I knew it long before it ever happened.
I didn't even think about going there because I knew it would cost me everything.
And it did.
Yeah.
But life has never been better.
Yes.
(23:49):
I have goosebumps as you say that.
That cost you everything, but life has never been better.
Yeah.
I think that's the thing with any big choice that you're making out of an act of self-love.
It's scary to face it and it costs a lot, but the payout is so big.
(24:11):
Yeah.
But I don't think that we ever do, I don't think that we make those decisions because
we're looking for the payout.
Yeah.
We don't.
I didn't leave because I wanted my life to look like it does now.
Yeah.
I just wanted to live.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's like that thing.
I don't know where, it probably comes from psychology, but that people make decisions
(24:34):
based on two things.
They're either running towards something that's pleasurable or they're running away from pain.
So it's the running away from pain that like...
Yeah.
I had no concept of what the pleasurable would even be.
Yeah.
I didn't know.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(24:55):
It makes total sense.
That's why it's so mind blowing after we go through something like that, when we start
to experience healthier relationships for the first time, whether that's in romance or whether
that's just in friendship or whether you can notice how you're just able to be more present
with your kids.
And just like when you notice those shifts, you're like, I didn't know this existed.
(25:20):
Right?
Like I...
That part of me was broken.
That was a big one for me.
Yeah.
A big one for me was like, I didn't know men like this existed.
Like when I got into my first healthy relationship, I'm like, wait, what?
He cares about how I feel?
Orc.
Which is sad to say out loud because it's like...
(25:41):
So sad.
Yeah, he should care about how you feel.
But it's a part of our journeys.
It's like you mentioned earlier, as we learn, the key is to have compassion for our past
self and to not feel disgusted and to realize that the younger version of us was doing the
best she could with the tools she had at the time.
(26:04):
I listened to Brené Brown talk about that one day when I was driving and I was just
driving down the road just tears streaming.
I'm like, no, that can't be right.
That can't...
That can't have been the best that I could do, but that's what forced me to look at the
whole situation and then to step back and look at if that was the best I could do.
(26:28):
Then how did I get there?
Yeah.
Compassion.
So what is possible in your life now because of all of these decisions?
Everything.
I have learned to allow myself to feel instead of being stuck in the emotions, which means
(26:50):
that I can allow my emotions to come and go like they're supposed to.
I don't have to stay stuck in them, which means that I'm not afraid of my own emotion
because the worst that can happen in life is an emotion.
Doesn't matter what it is, what the situation is, the worst of it is always the emotion.
(27:14):
When you know how to process emotion, then you don't have to be afraid of the emotions
you might have if something goes badly, which means you can do anything.
So yeah, the respect and the gratitude that I have for past me in my face who risked everything
(27:39):
to live knowing that it was going to cost everything in order to set up life for me
now means that I'm working to set up my life for future me so that she'll look back at
me now with gratitude.
Yes.
Yeah.
It's just constant.
(28:01):
Every single day is better than the next.
Yeah.
It means that I can just tap into this deep well of joy whenever I need to instead of
being lost.
Yeah.
I also love this invitation to not be afraid of your emotions because-
Such a beautiful thing.
(28:22):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think a lot of us are kind of trained to label some emotions as bad or negative or
low vibration and then we avoid those.
We will do amazingly crazy things for an entire lifetime to avoid an emotion.
(28:44):
Yeah.
And when you understand that an emotion is just a vibration in your body, it just comes
and then it's gone.
If you actually stop and feel it, it's just an emotion.
Yeah.
I think if you actually stop and feel it, it's an opportunity to kind of go back to
equilibrium.
I have this analogy.
(29:04):
I actually just put together an ebook about it.
Analogy that we go through life with unprocessed emotions as if they're untied shoelaces and
we trip constantly and we're falling and hurting ourselves and doing all kinds of damage to
ourselves because we're always tripping over our shoelaces and we develop these incredible
(29:27):
ways to heal and cope with these shoelaces flapping around all over the place thinking
it's normal to have untied shoelaces and we never just stop to tie our shoelaces.
But when you understand how to process emotion, it takes like three minutes.
Yeah.
It's not hard to do at all.
(29:49):
Yeah.
Five steps, three minutes, there you go.
Just deal with it instead of tripping over it all the time.
It's a good metaphor.
I would say it is hard, but it's simple to do.
It's simple to do.
It is hard, but it's also simple.
It's hard because we're scared of it.
Yeah.
(30:10):
Scared of our own emotion because emotion says if you feel this, it's just going to
take over.
I remember having this scream that felt like it was stuck in my throat in my 20s.
It was like the scream and I was sure that if I let it out, it would never stop.
But that's what emotion does.
It feels like it's going to take over.
(30:31):
But once you get past that and just feel it, it's not that bad.
It's just emotion.
I went through a breakup after my divorce.
I was in a relationship for four years and it was like two weeks after we broke up that
I just cried and it would come in waves.
I just let it come and just let it be what it was.
(30:55):
After a couple of weeks, I was like, I'm good.
There were still some things I worked through later, but for the most part, I wasn't lost
in the pain anymore.
I was good.
Not because I decided I didn't want to feel anymore, but because I had actually felt it.
Yeah, for sure.
There was a time when I was 29 and I went through a breakup that completely blindsided
(31:23):
me.
I thought I was with the person I was going to marry and we had just moved to New York
City.
We'd been living there for I think about six-ish months, maybe less, and he ended things.
Just a few days later, I went to this class because I didn't want to cancel on my friend.
I'd made these plans before the breakup happened.
(31:45):
I went to this class that was this.
It was called the dynamic meditation.
I remember walking in that morning.
It was like a freezing cold New York City, February, wintery morning.
This place was maybe three blocks from my apartment.
When I walked in, I was like, I am never going to be happy ever again.
(32:07):
I remember having that thought.
In this dynamic meditation, we were doing things like breathwork.
We were encouraged to flail around and scream.
It was basically a solid hour of exhausting emotional release, but in a safe way.
(32:29):
At the end, I was smiling from ear to ear and it was genuine.
That experience helped me realize that all the pain wasn't gone.
Yeah, I was still like, I have no idea what I'm doing next in life.
Here I am in New York City with no family and what?
(32:51):
But at the same time, you can still access joy.
Exactly.
That's it.
It's not that you stop feeling.
It's that you're not stuck in it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I hear it from people all the time.
Well, I just want to stop feeling this.
I'm like, well, you're human.
(33:11):
You're not meant to stop feeling a certain emotion.
You're supposed to feel.
That's the point.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Another thing that taught me was the deeper you can allow yourself to feel the pain, the
deeper you will actually feel the opposite emotions too.
Yes.
(33:32):
Exactly.
That's what it was using to me.
Yeah.
There was this really clear moment after my divorce.
I was driving down the road and there was this fork in the road.
I was like, okay, either I harden my heart and stay angry and just live like that to
protect myself from the pain or I choose to keep my heart open knowing that I'm going
(33:54):
to get hurt more.
And I chose to keep my heart open.
And it was just like, one of those things is like, it doesn't look like a big thing
at the time, but it changes the trajectory of where you're going.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love this conversation.
I'm always like, okay, I don't know all the fad words and the philosophies that are going
(34:17):
on at the time because I just don't keep up with all of that.
I just understand me and I understand people.
Yeah.
And I just have conversation.
Just be real.
I don't care if it's a certain kind of energy or a certain kind of, I don't care.
Just tell me what you need.
(34:39):
Yeah.
I'm like, what are the fad words for?
Oh no.
I don't know them either.
What's one of your favorite practices to allow yourself to feel the full spectrum and to
access anything and everything?
I did this thing about meditation a few years ago.
(35:03):
What's his name?
Vishen Lakhiani with Mindvalley about learning to meditate, not in the traditional kind of
meditation, but to bring yourself into alpha level brainwaves.
What is that?
Now you're using fad words.
Alpha level brainwaves is like when you're kind of drifting to sleep or drifting awake.
(35:28):
So I did the process where I just put my fingers together and it's connected, it's a cue to
my brain to go into that.
Sometimes I just need to count down.
But not that that's anything specific.
That's just the cue that I've taught my brain to go there.
(35:50):
So that if I count down backwards or imagine I'm walking down a stairs, I'm kind of self-hypnotizing
myself.
Then that's where I go to just talk to myself, talk to parts of myself, check in with what's
going on.
And then I also do mind shifting, which is the modality that I use with clients where
(36:12):
it's like a series of questions, seven questions where the first questions are bringing up
the subconscious emotions into the consciousness.
And then the next questions are about possibilities.
So what needs to happen for this to not be a problem?
What would you rather feel?
So you're going back and forth between releasing the subconscious emotion and thinking possibilities.
(36:37):
And that process just gets your brain unstuck.
It's the wildest thing.
I often feel like when I've done a session, like when it's on me, I've done like three
years of therapy in an hour because it's so deep.
It just like, whoa.
But yeah, when you get used to doing that, asking what needs to happen for this to not
(36:59):
be a problem, you start thinking impossibilities and you can go really fast to thinking outside
of the problem.
And when I say problem, I mean a situation that you have emotional resistance to.
So if I am planning to go get groceries today, I don't have emotional resistance to that.
(37:22):
If I say I'm going to make $10,000 this month, I have some emotional resistance to that.
It releases the emotional resistance to the situation so that it's just a situation.
It's just a thing.
And then you can see it differently because if you're going to get groceries and there's
a roadblock and you don't have emotional buy-in to having to drive on that road to get groceries,
(37:48):
then you find a different route.
So then it's just a thing.
You just think differently.
Think impossibilities.
I think that like when we're listening to people teach and stuff, it's not so much that
they are giving us knowledge.
They're giving us possibilities.
Just opening our brain.
(38:10):
I don't know if that answered your question or not.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I asked you, I don't really remember what question I asked you, but it was something
with like, what are your favorite things to feel everything?
The modalities that I use or the process that I used to feel.
Yeah.
I meditate a lot in that way.
(38:31):
I also do that when I'm waking up in the middle of the night and having trouble getting back
to sleep.
Yeah.
I think meditation is definitely a foundational piece to something like feeling your emotions
because when you're meditating, you're practicing noticing.
And you're also grounding yourself and that grounding creates a lot of safety to be able
(38:53):
to go into those emotions that you tend to resist without it kind of escalating to a
place where it's too much.
Yes.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
What I'm saying?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
It's definitely the foundation, but I feel like a lot of people have resistance to practicing
(39:15):
meditation and mindfulness daily.
Daily.
I will always advocate it's much better to meditate or do breath work or do some sort
of mindfulness practice for one minute every single day than to do it once a week for 30
minutes because I think that daily repetition is what makes it a habit off of your meditation
(39:42):
cushion.
Yes.
Totally.
That's what you want.
You want it to become a habit that you take into your life.
Yeah.
It's a relationship that you build.
And if you spend a week with someone and not go back to it or you spend a couple of minutes
(40:02):
every day connecting with them instead, you build a relationship long-term if you're connecting
with them in a little bit at a time.
Yeah.
Okay.
So there are a couple of questions that I ask each guest and I think now would be a
good time to bring those up.
The first one is what does self-love mean to you?
(40:25):
Connection.
Always connection.
Relationship with myself in the sense that I'm talking to myself, asking what do I need,
allowing myself to feel what I feel.
Relationship.
In the same way that when I have these two friends that we meet every week on Zoom because
they don't live close to me but I've known them for 30 years and we just talk about whatever
(40:46):
is going on and we allow each other to be where we are.
There's no agenda.
We're just allowing each other to be.
We talk about interior design and the books we're reading and our relationships and the
deepest darkest fears.
Everything we just talk, it's just relationship.
It's the same with me, just allowing myself to have that relationship connection.
(41:09):
I love that.
Yeah, we're so lucky to have video calls.
Yes.
Changed everything.
That's something that's so accessible.
I know Skype was around for a while but Zoom and Google Meet and all the other things are
a lot more easy to use.
(41:30):
What makes you feel the most grounded?
I think when I allow myself to feel, especially when I'm listening to music and just walk
and listen to music and feel and just be in the world, take up space, I walk a lot and
(41:50):
listen to music.
It's a good practice.
Yeah, it can be meditative, I'm sure.
The next question is, what is your favorite part about being a woman?
I can't imagine being not a woman.
I know, right?
(42:11):
It's a pretty weird question.
Take me a minute to get my head around that.
I love the relationships that I have.
Really deep relationships with women is my normal and always has been.
Men struggle with that so much because they're so conditioned to not talk about their emotions
(42:33):
that they struggle with going deep.
That just seems so sad to me because they just miss it.
I think a lot of men go into relationships simply because we allow them to explore those
parts of themselves if they're willing to go there or to be soft.
(42:55):
I have a slightly mischievous personality.
I get into all kinds of trouble that I can get away with because I'm a woman.
I don't know if that's a good thing, but...
I love it.
Yeah.
Why do you think that you can get away with it because of being a woman?
(43:19):
Because they just think that I'm just being cute or harmless.
I'm thinking circles around them.
I don't know.
So for people that have tuned into this episode, I would love to pass the mic to you to talk
more about your work and who you serve, what you do, and where people can connect with
(43:44):
you.
I help ambitious female entrepreneurs who are doing all the things, building their business,
their lives, and still carrying those weights from the past.
The weights are holding them back.
I am constantly curious about what they could do if they didn't have those weights holding
(44:08):
them.
So I help them with a combination of intuitive coaching and mind shifting to clear those
weights and to go into the traumatic memories and the beliefs and identities that were formed
so long ago and just untie the weights that are holding them back so that they can be
(44:33):
who they were meant to be, so that they can just own their lives and take their power
back.
I'm really focused on helping women take their power back.
So yeah, my website is therewiredlife.com.
I do one-on-one coaching and I'm working on some digital courses that aren't out yet.
(44:59):
But one-on-one is my thing.
I really love that connecting with people and just walking through those deep things
with people to create a safe space for people to be who they are, to just let down the walls,
the expectations, the judgments, and just be and get to know themselves.
(45:21):
And are you on social media?
Yeah, I am on Facebook, mostly on Facebook really.
It's Kelly E. McCooeye
I'm on Instagram, which is rewiredlifecoach and my website.
Cool.
I will include all those links in the description.
(45:43):
Thank you so much.
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