Unlocking Emotional Freedom: The Power of Nervous System Regulation with Sofia Ejaz [PART ONE]

In this episode of Openly Spoken, we're joined with guest Sofia Ejaz to delve into the importance of nervous system regulation, exploring its impact on emotional well-being and self-expression.

Sofia is a certified nervous system regulation and life coach who is passionate about helping individuals break free from cycles of being stuck in their head, stress, self-doubt, and overwhelm by guiding them to regulate their nervous system and silence their inner critic.

This episode touches on cultural influences on therapy, the effects of shame on the nervous system, and the significance of healthy relationships in fostering self-identity and empowerment (and more)

Join Sofia's free Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/469520312829743

Connect with Sofia here: https://www.sofiaejaz.com/

and here https://www.facebook.com/sofia.ejaz.9/ Free-session

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Watch this episode on YouTube: https://youtu.be/jrLXjZZyPCY

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Sofia is a certified nervous system regulation and life coach who is passionate about helping

(00:05):
individuals break free from cycles of being stuck in their heads, cycles of being stuck
in stress, self-doubt, and overwhelm by guiding them to regulate their nervous system and
silence their inner critic.
Through a blend of life coaching and neurosomatic intelligence techniques, Sofia empowers her

(00:26):
clients to cultivate self-compassion, build resilience, and experience true emotional
freedom.
Sofia is on a mission to help others reconnect with their bodies, expand their nervous system
capacity, and step into confident self-expression.

(00:53):
Welcome to Openly Spoken, the podcast to help you show up, speak out, and be seen.
On this podcast, we talk about self-love, relationships, sexuality, spirituality, and
more.
Hi, I am your host, Cilia Antoniou, and I am a relationship and sexuality coach for ambitious
women with a history of toxic relationships who desire to reconnect to their sensuality

(01:17):
and who desire to feel worthy of receiving healthy love.
I celebrate you for hitting play on today's episode.
I hope that you find this very supportive and helpful.
And if you could show some support to the podcast by hitting subscribe on YouTube or
on Apple podcasts or on Spotify, wherever it is that you are listening to or watching

(01:39):
this episode, it would mean the absolute world to me.
Thank you so much for being here.
Now let's dive into today's episode.

(01:59):
Welcome to Openly Spoken, the podcast to help you show up, speak out, and be seen.
Thank you so much, Sofia, for being here today.
My pleasure.
Thank you for inviting me.
Yes, I'm so excited to have you here because your sessions are pure magic.
And I'm not sure where to begin, but I will share that I feel like nervous system regulation

(02:25):
and nervous system capacity are phrases that are kind of thrown around a lot.
Like, it's something that I've heard a lot, even in my coaching certification.
And yet when I showed up to our first session that we had together, I had no idea what to
expect.
And I was like, honestly, completely surprised by what it is we were doing.

(02:50):
And so how would you explain then what nervous system regulation actually is versus maybe
how you see people talking about it?
Yeah, I like that's the...
I have so much fun explaining it because I feel like people are...
I don't know why that's not happening.

(03:10):
So nervous system regulation in simplest form is our ability to regulate from a fight or
flight back to rest and digest, back to fight or flight, and then back to rest and digest.
And just being able to modulate that without going to a super high fight or flight or a
super low rest and digest.

(03:30):
That nutshell, the basic nervous system regulation is just that.
Being able to modulate your fight or flight and rest and digest.
Okay.
And not getting stuck in one of them.
Exactly.
Not having super highs or super lows or getting stuck in one of them.
What's happening these days is our stress level is so high that we go super high and

(03:54):
we just stay there to the point that we burn out.
Or we go into chronic stress or we go into chronic pain.
So goal with the nervous system regulation is, okay, even if you go to a high, being
able to come down and then not going to a super high again, because you have your drills,
you have your regulation.

(04:15):
So yeah, you're going up a little bit, but you're able to come down again.
Yeah, you're going up a little bit, but you have the capability to come back down again
and you're not going up, up, up and staying there.
That's the very basic nervous system regulation.
I don't know why people don't talk about it like that.

(04:36):
Yeah.
And it's very like it's needed in our modern day life that works, that just like moves
so fast.
So I love that you're doing this work and I love that on the sessions, like you can
really feel the difference.
And I'm curious to know how it is that you even found this work.

(04:57):
And maybe there was a point where you learned about the nervous system.
So in my journey, I learned about the nervous system like a long time ago.
I knew about fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
I heard about the regulation, but I'd never heard of doing the practices that we do in

(05:21):
your sessions until I showed up to that first session.
So I'm curious, like when was it that you first learned about nervous system regulation?
And then maybe what are some of the things you tried?
And then when did you find the work that you do now?
And you were maybe like, oh, wow, yeah, this is what works.
Right.

(05:42):
So like for me, I will have to like go right back to my story and like, yeah.
Go ahead.
That's what we're here for, huh?
So I grew up in a very chaotic environment, very unstable household.
Both of my parents have their own stuff that was going on.

(06:05):
And because of that, they were not able to be like primaries, like good, healthy primaries.
So I grew up very much on my own, not learning how to like regulate myself or regulate my
emotions.
No idea.
In fact, like I ended up taking care of my father.
And he had like really strong anger outbursts.

(06:28):
And I was the one who was like the mediator.
You know, somebody I would go on and like calm my father down.
And then I would also go and like mediate with the whole situation.
So it was weird and very chaotic.
Because I grew up with a very high level of stress in my stress bucket, I must say.

(06:50):
And growing up, I never learned like how to bring that stress level down.
So like we said, like for nervous system regulation, like a high up is not ideal and staying in
a high up is catastrophic.
So I grew up in situations.
I grew up in Pakistan.
We didn't have too much money.
Home was chaotic.

(07:10):
There was a lot of control, a lot of, you know, cult kind of environment at home.
So I was always very, very stressed.
And I think I was around 16 where I completely dissociated and I just stayed dissociated.
Like I was just in too much stress.
I could not handle it anymore.
And I just dissociated completely.

(07:31):
Eventually I was able to, a lot of stuff happening.
Eventually I was like able to come to here, Istanbul Turkey three years back and like
get out of the whole situation I was in.
But my stress levels again were super, super high.
And I was working in marketing till like last year, performance marketing in which you have
to perform, you have to bring out the numbers.

(07:54):
And the numbers are not coming and you feel bad.
Like you feel like there's something wrong with you, which is not true.
And I realized like last year, I don't want to do this work anymore.
I was in therapy for five years at that point.
I was trying to like resolve what's been happening with me in the past.
I was not going anywhere with therapy.
I feel it was just like band-aid after band-aid after band-aid.

(08:15):
I tried meditation, self-help books, like whatever I could find, I would try, but I
would feel like I was not getting resolved.
I was always very much up here and I just didn't know why.
Like I strongly believe we're not flawed.
And I strongly believe I was not flawed.
I knew there was something going on.
I knew there had to be like answers to what I've gone through or like what I was feeling

(08:38):
right now, right?
That unfortunately I was not able to resolve to that point.
So last year I decided I was very fed up with my job, very high stress levels already.
I was fed up with my job.
I thought I need to serve more people.
So I became a certified life coach and I was like, I'm going to go out.
I'm going to spread this work out into the world.

(09:01):
I was enjoying life coaching and I quit my job.
I got my first client for life coaching very quickly.
I also at that point like set up very strong boundaries with my own family.
And I was like, you know, what's been happening in the past is not going to happen anymore.
Like all of those changes were too much for my nervous system that I shut down completely.

(09:23):
Like the loss, like losing my, leaving my job, being visible in my business, it was
so hard.
Like after getting my first client, I could not-
It's very activating for the nervous system.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Like I still remember that.
And then of course like doing, establishing a boundary when I'm a person, I'm a people

(09:45):
pleaser, right?
Or used to be.
And saying no was too much.
I did not expect.
Like I shut down.
I was like in a very high for a long time and then I was done.
I shut down.
I was in earlier this year, I was just in my bed.
And that was the time like when I find, found out about nervous system regulation.

(10:05):
And it was literally like for the first time in my life, I was like, I think I'm dissociated.
Like I've been dissociated for years.
But for the first time I bring it like, I think what you're going through is like dissociation.
And I typed that in Spotify and this like podcast comes up that talks about dissociation
and how it's related to like trauma.
And I also realized that going through that podcast that I have complex trauma.

(10:28):
So I was diagnosed with PTSD in therapy, but the complex part was super crucial that was
not diagnosed unfortunately.
And somebody did complex trauma.
Like you've lived through trauma for a very long period of time to the point like this
that scape doesn't look possible.
So your brain adapts, your brain changes.

(10:51):
And for those people, you have to actually really go like we stay up here because the
bodies are not safe anymore.
Like the scape just to cope.
And it's super important, especially for individuals with complex trauma to work at the level of
the nervous system to establish, reestablish that connection with the body to release trauma,

(11:11):
to like come back to yourself, to be functional again.
So yeah, I found nervous system regulation through the podcast.
They offered like a certification and took that up and I applied that work on myself
and my life completely changed.
Like I'm here on camera right now.
I could not do that last year.
I'm like, oh my gosh.
Yay.
I like that's what I do with my clients now.

(11:33):
Like I really think like the people who are constantly stuck up here in their head and
they have tried like different modalities.
If you're still unable to like come back down to your body, we need to do nervous system
work just to establish that safety again in the body so that we can do the things that
we actually want.

(11:53):
Yes.
Yeah.
Oh, I can very much relate to you.
And I really hope that my siblings are listening to this episode because having grown up a
little similar to you because I have a stepdad who's also from Pakistan, I'm just so curious
about how someone in like how are you even exposed to words like dissociation and like

(12:21):
how are you even open to therapy?
Because like from the family I come from, from my stepdad's side, like therapy is not
something that you go to.
It's like, oh, I don't need therapy.
Like I'm not a crazy person.
So how are you even open for that?
Oh my God.
That was a journey.
So for me, oh my God, I am a, I grew up in Pakistan and then my family shifted to Saudi

(12:47):
Arabia and I spent 13 years there.
I spent, I finished my schooling there and after school, like there's literally nothing,
unfortunately at the time I was there.
Like there was not any university for expats that was affordable that we can actually go
to.
So I ended up going, I became, I did like distance learning and I became a certified

(13:08):
chartered accountant and it's a very reputed certification.
And then I was like, okay, I'm going to take this and I'm going to go out and find a job.
But guess what?
As a woman, as an expat woman in Saudi Arabia, there were no jobs for me at that time, even
though I was super qualified.
Oh my God.
So I knew I needed therapy.

(13:30):
I talked to my family about therapy and they were like, not happening, not going to happen.
It was such a taboo and like for a girl to go out and you know, because yeah, there is
something people are going to know something is wrong.
What are people going to think?
Or like it's like saying and admitting that something is wrong with the family first and

(13:52):
then with the person in the family.
When I grew up, like we had to always pretend that everything was perfect.
We were just the perfect family.
That's how, you know, Pakistani culture is.
You have to always have smiles and pretend.
I was not allowed to go to therapy actually.
But I was like, no, I'm going to figure this out.

(14:13):
So I went in Saudi, we had very good internet.
So I went online and I was like, I'm going to do something online.
And I did like a course in marketing and I just started online marketing.
And I think the moment I was able to afford therapy, I went to therapy because I had my
own money at that time.
Did you do like online therapy?
I'll be shifted back to Pakistan during like a couple of years and I had like enough money

(14:37):
at the time and I was like, I'm going.
I'm.
Yeah.
So you did in person in Pakistan?
Yes.
Okay.
In person in Pakistan from yeah, from the money I was able to like earn through online
marketing and that's how my therapy journey started.
Yeah.
Wow.
How did you even learn about therapy in the first place?

(15:00):
How did I learn?
I think I was always curious and I knew there was a lot of mess going around me and I knew.
Yeah.
There is that like intuition when you're younger of like, something's not right here.
Right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
For sure.
Something's off, especially when I was in my early and mid twenties.

(15:21):
It was like, something just doesn't make sense.
I was like, I remember like, there was a point when I went to therapy, I was literally thinking
like she's going to tell me that something's either wrong with me or my family, only two
possibilities.

(15:42):
And I think for therapy, when I was in Saudi, unfortunately we didn't have any therapists
that I knew of.
So that also kept me from like going and like taking help.
But once we relocated to like Pakistan after 13 years in Saudi, in Pakistan we do have
a lot of therapists, thank God.
And you do have-
Pakistan.
Yeah.

(16:03):
We do have online, we do have onsite.
And I think this therapist was recommended by my sister, I think, who was married off.
So she was able to like go to one.
Yeah.
She was like, I think she's good and I just took it up and I went.

(16:23):
With what you said too about like when you first started going that you thought the therapist
would either tell you there's something wrong with you or there's something wrong with your
family.
I loved what you said earlier about believing that we're truly like, what was it the words
that you said?
You said, I believe that we're not flawed.
Yeah.
Yeah.

(16:44):
And I am 100% with you as well.
I feel like none of us is, nobody's flawed, nobody's broken.
There's nothing wrong with you.
It's just a, you know, we are wired for survival.
And like you mentioned with the complex PTSD, like our brain and our nervous system is adjusting

(17:06):
so that we can survive in the environment that we are in.
And that is what is happening, like that's like the root of I would say probably 99.9%
of things that we go to therapy for because we've adjusted to survive in the environment
that we're in.
And then when we're adults and we're in a quote unquote normal environment or like something

(17:30):
that's, you know, not the same as home and we're like, wait, like that, that was happening
like was not like for me.
I remember realizing that I was always in a state of anxiety growing up.
And like, I always saw both my parents in a state of anxiety.
And I thought that like being in a state of anxiety was just how everybody was.

(17:52):
And then realizing like, I actually didn't realize until I was almost 30 years old that
I had been living in a state of anxiety my whole life.
My husband reflected to me in a conversation.
I'm sure I remember what I said, but it was like, that sounds like anxiety.
And I'm like, you're right.
So when we get that space from our family of origin and we get the kind of like contrast

(18:18):
between how we move in the world versus how our friends, our peers, coworkers, people
around us move, then we start to be like, wait, I need some support here.
There's like something off.
Usually we think there's something wrong with me.
Like I think that's where most of us start.

(18:38):
We're like, oh, something's wrong here.
I have a problem I need to fix before we come to the conclusion that like none of us are
broken.
Like that is why you are the way that you are because you adjusted to be able to survive,
which is so fascinating.
It is.
Yeah.
And it's like, yeah.
I remember it was easier to like believe that there was something wrong with me.

(19:03):
Like I wanted her to say like, there was something wrong with me.
Then to be able to like face that how you have grown up might be flawed.
That's very, where do you even start?
Yeah.
It's painful to face that.
It is.
Because like there's that, you know, you belong to your family.

(19:28):
Like there's like this sense of belonging that's kind of like, oh, you know.
It shakes like your foundation of truth as well.
It does.
True then.
Yeah.
Then very, you belong exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then it becomes very hard to navigate the setting boundaries, which like I celebrate

(19:50):
you so much for being able to set boundaries because like setting boundaries when you come
from that culture, like just from my limited knowledge of having one parent who was from
Pakistan, like setting boundaries is almost like, I don't know, you're going to be killed
or something.
Like it's like very intense to talk back to an elder.

(20:13):
And then come back or like have your own voice and your own decisions, your own dreams as
a woman.
That's not allowed.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
You belong to your family and then you're going to get married off and you belong to
your husband and his family.
So there's no agency for women in my culture.

(20:33):
Like we don't have agency over our own lives.
Unfortunately.
So hard.
Yeah.
Like that's the majority.
I cannot say that's all of it, but that's the prevailing culture there, unfortunately.
I like to say no to, and that wiring does get ingrained in us, right?
Like we're good girls.

(20:53):
Yes.
We're trained to be good girls.
We're trained to be, I feel like we're kind of in that culture, we're kind of trained
to be servants to the men around us.
Yeah.
You know, like I remember being maybe like eight years old and my grandmother or aunt,
one of them or both of them who was living with us, they're like, you know, as soon as

(21:14):
your dad comes home, like make sure to have water for him and like a snack for him, which
like, yeah, it's fine.
But I think it was a little, like I remember being young, just being like, I wish I was
a boy.
Yeah.
Like not because I had any body dysmorphia or anything like that, but just because I
had noticed like, oh, it's better to be a girl.

(21:35):
I mean, it's better to be a boy.
That was my brain being like, it's better to be a girl.
Cause that's how I think now.
Same, I had a moment in teenage where I really fished I was a boy because it felt like life
would be so much, I would have my own life for that.
I would have my own life.
I would have my own say if I was a boy.
I had that face too.

(21:58):
If every girl in our culture has that face, I wouldn't be surprised if most of them are
like fishing to have more control in their own lives.
Yeah.
And then there's also, I feel like not enough open conversation about like growing up and
going through puberty as a girl and like what it, what's going to happen to your body.

(22:19):
And everything is just very hush hush and it creates like a lot of shame.
And I'm curious if you can speak to like, what do you think shame causes in the nervous
system and like, how can we lean on nervous system regulations, regulation drills and
work to kind of untangle and unpack all that?

(22:40):
Yeah.
So shame can cause a lot of inflammation in our own nervous system because we are literally
like angry at ourselves and like attacking ourselves in a way, you know, it's like, I'm
bad.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not true at all, but that's how we're, you know, that's what we're feeding in our
mind and then in our body.

(23:01):
And if that's like ingrained and fed over and over, like it causes in a lot of inflammation
that we see in our, in our bodies.
Like that's our body literally saying, Hey, we're not bad.
What are you doing?
Oh yeah.
And it's our body's way of like just saying, Hey, just please stop.
Don't, don't, you know, it's not, it's not how we are or who we are.

(23:23):
And like, we can see like a posture gets rounded down.
It's hard for us to like look into anybody's eyes or even like look up, you know, and talk
to somebody because we're just, we're bad.
We need to be small.
So for nervous system regulation, like we have the way I work the clients, like we have

(23:44):
a lot of drills to like first get out of that posture, even do like eye training to help
us like get out of that.
And then of course there's a lot of, not a lot of, but there's like cognitive reframing
too that we have to do to like deal with that shame messaging that we have in our system
that are like running in our system without us even realizing it.

(24:05):
Yeah.
And that's such a freeing thing to unpack and to work on.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
And I can very much relate to like being someone who used to have like, I was like schlumped
like this.
Part of it was also like just being ashamed of my body, like growing up in the nineties

(24:27):
in America, it was always like women with big boobs are beautiful.
And like, I don't have that.
So it was always like trying to like hide.
But then I relate to you with the like the eye contact piece, even like what you said
earlier about like being able to be on a podcast.
Like I used to be such a little mouse.
That's how I explained it.

(24:47):
Like my voice was so small.
You know, I thought I was speaking up, but it was so quiet.
If your nervous system and body is trained, that it's unsafe for you to speak up, for
you to have an opinion for you to disagree with someone around you.
Then of course, it's going to be hard to express yourself.

(25:09):
And yeah, that's been a big part of my journey.
That's actually a huge reason why I call my business self express babe, because it's like
part of my journey and it's also like what I'm here to create.
Like I'm here to help other women find their internal self express babe and like bring
that out.
Yeah.
So I'd love to hear about like your journey with being able to be more self expressed

(25:33):
and how nervous system regulation helped you with that.
Oh, I would love that.
So I think I was always a person like I always felt like I didn't belong to my family.
If that makes sense.
Like I was always like, I felt like I was on the outside.
I grew up with a lot of narcissism in my family too.

(25:53):
And like one of the narcissistic, like I was the scapegoat in my family and scapegoats
are like, you know, cast it off.
So I always felt like on the outside, but I always had a very strong sense of self since
I was a kid.
I was like, no, I'm meant to be something.
I am someone.
I'm not just, I'm going to do something with my life.

(26:15):
Like I always had that.
And I think that was the thing.
Like just that faith and belief in myself, like that has really helped me through some
of my very, very difficult times.
Like I really believe like God has put me on the side for something.
I'm not just supposed to be somebody's servant.
I don't think, I don't think it works like that.

(26:38):
Yeah.
Just holding on to that.
There were times when I forgot that too, yeah, that happened too.
But I've always tried to believe and I kept believing that now like everything happens
for a reason.
I'm here for a purpose.
I'm here for a purpose.
I'm here just reminding myself over and over and over.
Yeah.

(26:58):
Just holding on to faith.
And I think it was like, I think I told you, but three years back when I left Pakistan
and I came here.
And yeah, I always believe like I'm going to build my own life.
I'm going to be my own person.
I'm not afraid to like work on myself, look at my past.

(27:19):
Like I was in therapy for five years, just working, working, working, believing.
And I remember like I stopped, I was not in healthy relationships either, right?
If you're coming from trauma, you're just attracting similar, similar stuff, right?
And I remember there was a point where I said, I'm just not going to settle for any man.

(27:39):
I'm going to, I would rather be single than, you know, I don't care.
Like my culture, you have to be married by 30.
You have to have a family.
You have to have kids, right?
And if you're not married by 30, you're expired.
I was like, hell no.
I'm not going to.
I was 27 when I said I'm not getting married unless I meet a partner, a man who's, who's

(28:01):
worth marrying, who's worth getting married.
And I love that.
Yeah.
I don't mind.
I celebrate that so much for you.
Yeah.
And I hope there, I mean, I know there's at least one other woman out there who's like,
gets some, some piece of inspiration from that.
And I was like, I'm going to do that too.
So thank you for sharing that.
You're most welcome.

(28:21):
Yes.
Like don't settle.
So yeah.
And I remember like three years back when I came here, I just had like these things
in myself, like I'm going to do something with my, with my life.
I had been through a little bit of therapy so I knew something was definitely off with
my family.
And I was processing all of that, trying to build myself up again in here.
I'm in Istanbul, Turkey now.

(28:43):
And like I really held on to listening to myself, prioritizing myself, not sacrificing
myself and keeping true to my values and not settling.
And then I ended up meeting my partner.
I told you about him, right?
And I feel like that was a big turning point in my life because I had somebody, so I grew

(29:07):
up not being in very abusive situations.
Like I was, you know, that my whole life was like that, not being, like being mistreated
my whole life.
And I was mistreating myself to them because that's what I learned.
And then my other relationships were not so healthy too, because that's, you know, that's
all I knew.
But then I think just believing in myself, holding on to something better, believing

(29:31):
and not settling, all of that led me to meet my partner.
I like to believe who was the first person who like really treated me with care and love,
like unconditional love.
You know, I didn't know what that was before.
And he was the person who was reflecting me back, like what that looks like.

(29:54):
And for the first time, I think in my life, I had like a safe relationship in which my
patterns were being reflected.
So I was healing even more, you know, through that reflection.
And that was when it like, that's the thing I think that gave me the strength to really
put strong boundaries with my family.

(30:15):
Because I was like, if there is this stranger, right?
Like I know my family for 30 years, 30 plus years.
If this stranger, let's say, has just met me and can be so nice to me, we were in a
relationship, but still, you know, it's like a person I know for a year or two years at
that point.
Then there are definitely more people who would do that.

(30:37):
And there was, I don't have to put up with mistreatment anymore or abuse anymore.
And I think that was like, yeah, just having, I think first is that belief and faith in
myself and that reflection that I deserve good, that I am treated good.
Like that really gave me the strength to like really put strong boundaries and be like,
no, I'm never gonna tolerate this again.

(30:59):
And I don't.
Like, yeah, not at all.
And I did shut down.
I told you like after those boundaries.
Yeah, it's scary.
Yeah, it's very terrifying to set a boundary with your parents out of all people.
Yeah.
It is.
And my nervous system did not know that that can happen too.

(31:22):
It was just too much for it.
Right?
Like I didn't have, my subconscious was not ready for it.
My subconscious was still very much in, we're like slaves for our family.
Unfortunately, we're like servants for our family.
To stand up and say no was very big.
And at that time I did not have any nervous system regulation, but like learning nervous
system regulation is what helped me to repattern this trigger, this behavior and repattern

(31:50):
myself now to make it, for my system to feel safe and okay and empowered to say no.
Like that's how I'm repatterning myself now using nervous system regulation.
Right?
Because it's not up here.
Like your body has to be behind it too.
It's super important.
Yes.
Yes.
And that's why I always say that mindset work is not everything because like you can be

(32:12):
saying, I'm empowered, I'm empowered.
And like do the affirmations of I'm empowered, I'm empowered.
But if you don't feel that in your body, there's no point.
Like you have to feel it, not just believe it.
Exactly.
Exactly.
And if you're not feeling it, it's just going to cause more conflict.
Right?
Yes.
Because it's funny just thinking something else and your mind is something else and you're

(32:33):
like, what am I?
You know, who am I?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I think it causes more harm than doing you any good.
I agree with you because you're gaslighting yourself.
Yeah.
You are.
Yeah.
Nobody else is doing it.
I just might as well do it to myself.

(32:55):
I love what you shared about like, you know, being in therapy for five years and feeling
empowered to be like, I'm not going to marry someone.
Like I'm not going to get married unless I meet someone who's like worth marrying.
And then I love what you reflected on like, once you were in that relationship, your patterns

(33:16):
were mirrored back to you.
Because I think a lot of people kind of get stuck in this like, I have to be 100% healed
or like, I can heal everything on my own.
Because the truth is like all of our wounds, in my opinion, like probably every single

(33:36):
one, it's relational.
And you can heal some stuff on your own because you're healing that relationship with yourself,
the relationship with your body, relationship with your mind.
But then when you have another person, it requires you to go deeper than you would have
if you were just single, because there's nobody in your life triggering things.

(34:00):
You know, it's such a big invitation to be like, oh, yeah, you're right.
Like I'm being an asshole right now.
Like, thanks for sharing that.
Like let me take a breath and, you know, be with myself.
And it's also so beautiful that finally landing for the first time in that healthy relationship
gives you evidence that people like that exist.

(34:23):
And I had the same experience when I was 25, I met my biological dad.
And he treated me like a princess that I was like, it completely changed the type of men
I would be interested in and it completely shifted.
And after meeting my dad, I got into my first healthy relationship then.

(34:47):
Unfortunately for me, like it was like, I was still in that people pleaser kind of state
at that time.
So I wasn't truly 100% myself in that relationship because I was like, it was that first healthy
relationship and I was like so scared of losing them.
And this is something that I don't know if you like to read memoirs, but I recently read

(35:13):
Demi Moore's memoir and she talks about doing that as well with her relationship to Ashton
Kutcher, how it was like such a different relationship.
So she was like molding herself to keep him around.
And she realized in hindsight that that was what was a detriment to the relationship,
but everything happens for a reason.
And I'm glad because, you know, now I'm married and I love my husband and he has been like,

(35:37):
I've grown so much in these last five years that we've been together because of what you
said that like reflection.
And we also both knew each other when we were younger, but we had to on our own do the work
and then be able to like, we both reflect our patterns to each other.

(35:58):
Even still to this day, I feel like there's always room to grow and there's always room
for improvement and deeper connection.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was a lot.
I love that, I love that.
And I love like how growth happens in this reflection, right?
Yes.

(36:18):
I love it.
Yes.
Growth happens in this reflection and then your relationship grows deeper too.
And like that safety that yes, I can show my patterns or like, I like to say I can mess
up, but I know this person will still love me and will not take away the love.
My upbringing was make mistake, love is withdrawn.

(36:40):
Yes, exactly.
And just not to have that and know that I'm human and I can make mistakes.
Yes.
And this person can be upset.
Yes.
But they still love me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was like, oh my God, okay, this can happen.
There's so much safety in that.
And I feel like you're not feeling crap like I would just feel so abandoned, right?

(37:07):
Like in the past I made a mistake, love is withdrawn, I'm abandoned, I'm bad, shame
is back, right?
Yeah.
To be in a place where yeah, you can mess up, you can make mistakes, but love is still
here.
There is so much responsibility that I get to take from myself and self-reflection that
I can do without feeling like I'm abandoned and feel that shame, right?

(37:30):
Yes.
And I love that.
I love that.
I love how you grow in safe reflection and safe mirroring.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's so freeing to just be like, because I think the biggest thing it does is it allows
the full spectrum of emotion to exist because your partner is allowed to be angry without

(37:56):
it meaning anything is wrong or bad.
It's natural to be able to express all of your emotions.
And yeah, everyone is just allowed to be.
There's no needing to fake or pretend or act.
It really opens up a lot of space for truth.
And I think that's why it's something that really builds such a strong connection.

(38:20):
And not only that, it's such big motivation.
How you said that even a year ago, you wouldn't be able to be on a podcast.
I feel like having love in your life that is that safe for you to be your true self,
I think it's very underestimated how motivating that is.

(38:41):
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
And I think that's why it's so important to really come to clarity of this is what I want
in life and I'm going to get it.
And I feel also your identity as your own person because you're not being codependent,
right?
You're not setting more authenticity for this connection.

(39:03):
Yes.
So we get to step into our own identities, our true identities more and more every day.
That's what I do.
And I love it.
Yes, that's exactly how I feel with my husband for sure.
It's so beautiful.
It is, right?
It's like, and like we get to step into our own identities more and more and it can be

(39:24):
scary because like it's uncharted territory, right?
And we didn't learn that.
Like growing up, I didn't, I always had to be, you know, in the good girl identity.
It's designed for me and my mental health, but I feel that my brain feels safe in that
because that's what I know.
And that's what I see other women doing around me.
Yeah.
And I feel safe to walk into that to my brain, even though it's not healthy, but to actually,

(39:50):
you know, take a gamble on yourself and like figure out your own identity and say yes to
that and having that safe love around you is so motivating, like you said, right?
And so it gives you so, it's so empowering.
Like yes, I'm going to go and I'm going to be myself and I know I'm going to be loved
no matter how I am and who I am.
So I might as well be me this time, right?

(40:11):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think you can also get that in friendship as well.
Like I feel like my friendships I have now versus the friendships I have five years ago
are completely different.
And I knew we can relate on the sense of like not having that close of a relationship with

(40:32):
your mother, with our mothers.
And I feel like when we have close relationships in our lives with other women, I feel like
it kind of fills the gaps of like what we would have received if we had that close relationship
with your mom.
It's definitely not the exact same, but it gets really close.

(40:53):
I think, I think there's something very powerful in like what you were just saying about you
really, you really come into your own identity when you have that healthy love.
I think you also come into that like as a woman, when you have healthy relationships
with other women, because they reflect you in a way that's just a little bit different

(41:13):
than your romantic partner.
Interesting.
Yeah.
I bet I saw that.
It's really, it's really like, that's why like I believe in like, you know, like women's
gatherings, like even if you're just, you know, coming together to read a book, like
a book club, or if you're doing like a potluck or just, you know, like I think it's so, I

(41:38):
underestimated how powerful that is.
Amazing.
So I need to like join your potlucks then.
Yeah.
Even the group where we met, like, I think it's, I think it's mostly a women's group,
right?
I so far haven't seen any men in there.
Even that is like so powerful because it's such a supportive space rather than being

(41:59):
like competition.
Yeah.
Which I think is like the old narrative for women, like it's always like a competition
against each other versus collaboration.
I wanted to ask you a question in the terms of this like relationship part that we're
on, because it's so, it's so hard to keep faith and to keep going when you've had that

(42:24):
history of toxic relationships.
And I know that there are a lot of women out there who are just like, I give up.
I'm just going to be single because men suck or like whatever it is that they, that they're
saying.
I'm curious if there's anything you would want to say to someone who's in that space.

(42:45):
I would say what's your desire.
If you desire a companion, he's out there.
100%.
And I feel like we attract on the level that we're ready for, right?
If you desire to be in a romantic relationship and you're just not attracting the right man,

(43:07):
I feel like there's just that work we need to do on ourselves, right?
Yeah.
And like that's what I did.
I was single for three years and I knew I had a ton of work to do on myself and love
myself first.
Like, it's a cliche, right?
Like we got to love ourselves first, put myself first, know how to put myself first, like

(43:29):
know my own boundaries, right?
Like a lot of us, like a lot of women don't even know where our boundaries are.
Yeah.
I worked on that very hard.
Who am I?
Where are my boundaries?
What do I like?
What do I want in my partner?
What's my non-negotiable?
Yeah.
I don't think, I feel if you have a desire, then the person is out there.

(43:51):
100%.
That's what I held onto.
I didn't have any real me.
But like, no, if I have the desire, he's out there.
I'm just going to keep working on myself.
I'm going to keep believing and I'm sure he will come up and I'm not going to settle.
I'm not settling for less than what I desire, but I'm willing to get my own level up to

(44:13):
my desire because I was definitely not there.
I was in my own icky patterns.
I grew up, I thought relationships were control, dominance and stuff like that.
I have to be a servant and stuff like that.
I really had to work on myself to release those patterns and bring myself up to the

(44:34):
level of desire I had.
Keep believing, not settling and keep believing even when it feels like it's not working.
Yeah.
There were times when I would try to go on a date and he was like, oh my God, he was
just...
What just happened?
I was like, ah, whatever.

(44:54):
I'm not going to let that come into my stress bucket.
Whatever.
It was just not for me.
I'm sure the person I want is there.
I'm not going to let that dictate anything.
I don't think all men are bad because of this one experience.
I don't think all men are bad.
I've seen very bad men, yes.
But I'm supposed to believe that no, good men are out there and I know that because

(45:16):
I have the desire.
I'm going to bring myself up to that level and just keep believing in respect and honor
myself and not like...
I feel like I've noticed that desperation.
I worked on that.
I was very desperate.
I was very desperate for love.
I grew up in abandonment and that conditional love, do bad, love is taken, do bad, love

(45:42):
is taken.
And I had to work on that part a lot.
To love myself, to bring myself up to that level and believe that there are good men
out there and not be desperate for that.
I think that was my biggest work, that desperation for attachment.

(46:03):
Because I was codependent completely.
I worked on my codependent patterns to be enough for myself to not look for that love
that I was looking.
I think, of course, we need love from another person, but we do need that love from ourselves
too, right?
Like to first, myself love so I was ready to share it with the other partner.

(46:24):
That's what I would say.
So it's like keep working on yourself.
Don't settle, expect good, keep believing, keep working on yourself, keep loving on yourself.
And I think if you have the desire, that person is 100% out there.
And I love that you talk about the needing to love yourself first.
Because what you say is true, that the external love, yes, it's a need.

(46:48):
I think it is something we need.
However, when we're not loving ourself, what we're looking for externally is completely
different in the situation where we are loving ourself.
Because there are certain codependent needs that we are looking for someone else to do
for us.
Like a partner that will spend 24-7 with us and not have any friends and all the attention

(47:13):
is on me at all times so that I never feel abandoned.
Versus, I've worked on my own abandonment wounds.
I'm best friends with my inner child and I celebrate that my partner has his own friends
and it makes me want to have my own friends.
And then when you go out to look for somebody, you're looking for someone completely different.

(47:38):
And I think also something that might probably be a completely different conversation, but
I think when we're trained to people please and to have that codependency and be desperate,
I think it attracts people that are abusers, people that don't really appreciate us and

(48:01):
people that you could end up in some dangerous situations because you're not with people
who see your own value.
And that's the most heartbreaking thing I notice about environments where the women
are just taught to act like everything's okay and to just be a good wife and be a good daughter

(48:27):
because we have to be able to be free to be true, to be our true selves.
That's the only way to be safe.
Yes, yes.
I agree with that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's reminding me of my past relationships too.
I was really codependent and I was attracting just more abuse into my life.

(48:50):
Yeah.
Yeah.
The same things I was trying to get out of.
It's like escaping from a cage and just going back into another life.
Right?
I remember my first long-term relationship, I had friends before we got together and little
by little it's like, oh, I don't like this friend.

(49:11):
I don't like that friend.
So by the end of the six years when I was ending the relationship, I had no friends
because I was so isolated.
It was just me and him.
And I can see now where that came from.
And if anyone's listening who's in that situation, it's not permanent.

(49:33):
You really can grow out of it.
You really can shift.
There's so much opportunity for you to learn about yourself, for you to learn how to have
better relationship and communication skills and self-love skills and boundaries and so
many things.
Yeah.
There is a life outside of abuse.

(49:53):
Yes.
100%.
Yeah.
We got pretty deep today, huh?
That's what I get with you every time.
I'm not surprised.
My last couple of conversations that I've had, I've somehow, speaking of being deep,
I've somehow narrowed it back to like, yeah, it's all because we're afraid of death.

(50:18):
We're all afraid of dying.
So I'm trying not to go there now, even though I easily could weave that in right now.
What's maybe a question that you want me to ask you about nervous system regulation?
To kind of go back to our topic.
I would say like how, what it gives you.

(50:43):
So what does nervous system regulation give you, Sofia?
I feel like nervous system regulation gives you agency, agency over yourself.
And I think that is the biggest thing I had to learn as a woman who didn't have any control
in her own life.

(51:04):
How do I have agency in my own life?
How do I have agency?
How do I make my own choices, right?
Especially when I was so much, even if I'm out of my circumstances, I'm still stuck in
the old patterns.
Those old patterns are still running me.
Whatever I learned looking at women around me, I'm still operating and how I was treated
I'm still treating myself the same way.

(51:28):
And I'm still looking at life from a similar lens, right?
So yeah, yes, I'm out, but I have no age.
I'm still doing the same things to myself now.
Right?
Like using myself and I'm mistreating myself and I have no agency.
That's how I felt.

(51:49):
That's how I felt.
But I was like out.
And I was like, why am I?
When I had some distance from my family, it was so clear to me that I'm the one who's
doing this to myself.
And I had no way, like I tried to stop it, but I was like trying to stop it from my mind.
Just like quit it.
Just get out of it.
Just don't do it.
It was like a strict parent in your head.

(52:11):
Like don't do that.
Like that's how I was raised.
Yeah, it's so funny.
So I feel nervous system regulation is not just modulation.
It's actually about to me, it's actually about the agency having the control to actually
turn up that survival mind to like have a say in your pattern, to be able to repattern

(52:35):
yourself, to be able to like get out of those old habits and old voices and old, you know,
the things that get ingrained in our, in our subconscious to actually be able to work on
them to actually even eventually take them out and put new seeds in yourself.
So you actually have agency.
Yeah.
Like that's, that's what I'm doing.

(52:57):
I'm putting new seeds.
Okay.
What's happened has happened.
It happened.
Yes, it happened, but it doesn't have any control.
It doesn't get to have any control over me now because I'm repatterning, because I know
how to repattern myself now.
I think that's, that's what nervous system work is, is agency and safety in yourself.
Like safety was such, like I was always unsafe.

(53:18):
I never learned how to be safe in myself.
And now to be able to feel myself, feel my body, be like, Oh, this is me and have like
a relationship with myself, right?
To feel safe, to have a relationship with myself.
Like, I think those, that's nervous system regulation.
Like to me, I think that's what it offers.

(53:40):
That agency, that choice, that safety in yourself that you can like then take with you anywhere
you go, basically, whether that's business, that's life, relationship, intimacy.
I feel like for in my early years with my partner, I like to joke now that he was in
a relationship with my survival mind, basically, right?
It was not.

(54:01):
Oh my gosh.
I love that.
That's so funny.
There's this stand of comedian.
Her name is Natalie, Natalie something.
She's from Lebanon and she talks about how she like escaped war when she was like 12
or 13.
But then when she was 19, her brother caught her sitting on the guy's lap and her brother

(54:24):
told their mom and her mom basically shamed her.
And she was like, I would rather relive the war 11 times over than be shamed again.
And she was talking about how being in a relationship with her, like she wasn't present.
She was like scared of everything.
And it was like, close the curtains.

(54:46):
Don't look at me.
Like turn off the light.
I'll find her link.
I have her link because I sent it to one of my clients.
I'll send it to you.
I think it's very relatable and really goes well with this conversation.
I can imagine.
Yeah.
Like we're laughing, but yeah, like that's what it happens.

(55:08):
Right.
Like we go into that survival mind where we just don't feel safe.
And I feel like it was so scary to me.
I used to fight with my partner and he was in unconditional love.
I was like, why are you doing this?
What's wrong?
Yeah.
It feels so unsafe when someone is like not mad at you for something that you feel like
they should be mad at you for.
Yeah.

(55:29):
I totally, totally relate on that.
You also mentioned like I wrote down one of the things that you said about when you left
your family, you said you were looking at life through a similar lens.
I wrote that down because I'm so curious if you can remember that moment where your perspective
on like either being alive, being human, or like the meaning of life, or you know that

(55:55):
like persp... I usually call this like a spiritual awakening when like your perception of what
being human is.
I'm curious if you can remember that shift and like what that was like for you and maybe
what caused it.
Oh yeah.
So it's like when I left, it's been three years, over three years now.

(56:17):
And initially I remember I was still in therapy at the point and I even took two therapists
because with the distance, I was seeing, starting to see things more clearly and I was like,
oh my God, I think there was a lot of messed upness, you know, in my past.
Still close to my family.
And I was like, and there was still stuff happening that didn't feel okay.

(56:41):
I was just feeling very weird, very messy.
And it was like, I was in a haze.
I used to feel I'm just in a haze.
And I was just drained.
I was exhausted.
And I just didn't know how to, what to feel about it or what's happening or why it's happening.
Like I'm out.
I have a good job.
I have a good partner.
I have an amazing life.
What is this freaking thing?

(57:04):
And I think it all, it kept building.
I didn't know what to do.
I just kept getting more and more stressed.
And when I talked about like having that boundary with my family, like something happened and
I felt like the way I grew up, I was the scapegoat.
I was, you know, it was like, even if I would ask for something, I would be denied.

(57:25):
But like my sister would be given that even when she would not ask for it.
And something similar happened.
I asked for something I was not given.
I really needed that.
And, you know, they just as a gift, she got it and I'm happy for her.
But I think that's not something in me.
I'm done with this shit.

(57:46):
I'm done with this shit.
And that's when I started seeing things very clearly and like that haze lifted, shifted.
I also shut down.
I definitely shut down.
But I think in that moment, it wasn't just one moment, you know, that whole experience.
That's when I was like able to make a very clear and strong boundary that it's done.

(58:10):
I don't care if I lose you guys.
I'm done.
I'm not going to stand up for this kind of behavior and other behavior that's been going on.
That was the first time I voiced.
I shouted at my brother for the first time in my life.
You don't do that, right?
How can you?
I shouted at my brother who's like in place of my father.
My father passed away a few years back.

(58:31):
And like my brother is the one who's like the head of the family, if you want to say.
And for like that's a big thing.
You don't raise voice to the head of the family.
Just stay quiet.
You're the nice girl.
You stay quiet and you adjust.
No, I'm done.
And I made and I was ready for anything.
I was like, I'm going to pick myself.
I prioritize myself and little by I think since then I would have memories resurface and I could see things more clearly.

(59:01):
Memories will resurface, especially after I started doing the nervous system regulation work.
I still get memories back if you want to say or like feelings back.
And I am able to say, oh, that was not OK.
And I'm going to shift my perspective on that.
Like this is actually what I deserve.
This is actually what I want.
This is actually what I want to do.
This is actually what I want to believe about myself.

(59:24):
Yeah, I think the event was just that one event.
But I think the shift in perspective, it's piece by piece, I would say, as I'm getting ready, as nervous as ready.
That's the shift.
That's the shift in perspective I get bit by bit.
Yeah.
And I'm like building it up slow by slow.
And I'm so excited for like the person I'm becoming.

(59:46):
I don't know if we had this conversation where I said like this work is not just work.
It's my story.
We had that.
Yes, yes.
You shared that with me.
Yeah.
This work.
Like this.
Exactly.
Like it's.
And you can really feel that.
Like when you talk about it and like just being a client of yours, like you can feel that passion.
And I think it adds such a like genuine flavor to what you're giving.

(01:00:09):
Like you're not just here to like pay your bills.
You know what I mean?
Like you're giving something because you actually like believe in it.
And I think that's truly felt in your work.
Yeah.
100%.
So yeah, like I think shift in perspective is piece by piece.
But I think the event is that one event.

(01:00:31):
That was just.
I think even that event, you know, there was a series of events and then you're like, I'm just done.
Yeah.
I'm done.
Yeah.
And I think your perspective also once it shifts that first time, it's going to happen again and again in your life.
Exactly.
I feel like I could never go back to how I was.

(01:00:53):
But that, yeah, that shift keeps happening over and over and you keep getting more clarity.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's really fun.
It is.
It's scary too, you know.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
It's scary and fun at the same time.
But also scary, but a good kind of scary.
I would say it's not the kind of scary where you want to be in bed and not get out at all.

(01:01:14):
Maybe a day or two, but you know, you will get out eventually.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that's, I feel like that's how I would live life.
Yeah.
I would, I would dare.
I would get scared.
Yes.
I would be in my bed for a day or two, but I would dare again.
Yes.
Yes, I love that.
I love that because that incorporates like doing the self care after doing something

(01:01:39):
that's out of your comfort zone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I have a couple of questions that I ask every guest towards the end.
I thought we could go into that now.
And the first question is what does self love mean to you?
Oh, that's a good one.
And that's something I've been like pondering these days too.

(01:02:02):
And I think self love means living.
I'm going to give you like the latest version of what self love is to me right now.
Like living from a place of inside out rather than outside in.
Do explain.
What do you mean by that?
Yeah.
So I recently, I realized like I was, the way I grew up, it was all outside based.

(01:02:24):
We talked about comparison too, right?
Like how I caught myself comparing and that, you know, that being something else or like
being something external thing is the stimulus for me to do something, right?
Like this person, what they have, I like, so I'm going to have that too.
I noticed like I caught myself doing that recently.

(01:02:48):
I realized, oh, I think I'm not loving myself enough right now.
There is something with self love because if I love myself enough, why would I want to be anybody else?
Right?
Yeah.
So that's what I mean.
Like self-love right now for me means that again, that agency to be my own, to have my own, to have my own choices
and to actually really lean into that and see what's happening and see what I want and say yes to that

(01:03:14):
without any external expectation or validation or whatever's going to happen in the external.
Yeah, really lean into that and live life from that place of authenticity.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love that internal authenticity and come out from that space.
That's what I want to do.

(01:03:35):
That's what self-love is right now to me, I think.
Yes.
Oh, I love that so much.
I love that because it really connects you with what is actually real and true rather than I would say that
the superficial definition of self-love for women would be getting your hair done or getting your nails done

(01:04:03):
or having an expensive outfit and all those things are fine, but are you just doing that?
And meanwhile, there's chaos happening inside of your mind and body.
It's like the internal world is actually what matters more than the external.
But I think when you're in a state of first of all, not feeling safe in your body and being in your head,

(01:04:29):
it's a lot easier to focus on the external things.
That way.
Yeah, the external achievements and doing good in school and doing good at work and making the money.
Yeah, I love that.
Thank you.
All of those things are very survival brain driven, right?
Yes, for sure.
Yeah.
So if you're in a survival mind, you're cut off from your body.

(01:04:52):
You're cut off from your true self, I feel.
You will just be the next Chase, whatever that is.
If it's the next promotion, if it's the next car or whatever next goal you have, even if it's like losing weight.
And that's just not the place to come from.
Yeah, for sure.
I just had a realization of how much we're trained to be in survival mode, not just from everyone's unique culture,

(01:05:23):
but just in general living in capitalism where what we were just talking about, the car, the job, the money,
that's what you see in every single movie, every single advertisement.
It's everywhere.
Exactly.
We're being trained to be in our survival brain.
That is, wow.

(01:05:44):
I think I knew that, but I never really noticed how common it is around us.
Once you see it, you can't unsee it.
Wow.
Exactly.
If you are on Netflix or I was binging something and it just looks so easy for them to have all this money and everything.

(01:06:07):
I feel like there are two extremes that I keep seeing, unless you're in that scarcity completely, or this status thing that's going on.
I feel like even in social media, it's so common.
I don't want to be because most of the content that I'm actually, I don't know, is it me that it's serving or all the content?

(01:06:32):
I don't know.
But I noticed the comparison thing I was talking about, right?
Yeah, it's just everybody's successful and that's what's making them happy.
Even that's not true.
Yeah.
True.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was an interesting a-ha for you.
Thank you for sharing that.

(01:06:53):
It's making me think as well.
Yeah.
Okay.
The next question is what makes you feel the most grounded?
Two things I would say or three.
I think my drills for sure.
Nervous system work.
It really grounds you.
That's the first thing and the only thing that has really grounded me.

(01:07:15):
But I think other stuff that's like complimentary, I would say on top of that, my relationship with my partner has also really grounded me.
But then again, I don't want to depend on that for my ground, you know, for being grounded.
It's good to have that.
I totally get what you mean though.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I feel the same way about my husband.
It's like you receive the grounding, but your grounding isn't dependent on them.

(01:07:37):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't believe that.
And I'm very proud of my partner too that he's very firm on that.
I love you, you're safe with me.
I love that, but you've got to have your own safety in yourself.
Yeah.
You have a partner who actively, like he gives me the safety, but he encourages me to like go out there or like however to have my own safety as well.

(01:08:00):
Like in my...
And I think third is like God.
I don't want to say on third.
I don't know.
I don't know if it will like trigger somebody or not.
I don't know.
I think like my relationship with God is something that's like ever evolving.
And I feel like that's how I want it to be.
But that's something like recently I've started to find some grounding in that as well.

(01:08:22):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like the way I grew up, it was very, a lot of religion, but very...
I don't think it was religion.
It was just control.
You know, I don't think it was...
Yeah.
I don't think that's how actually God is.
It was just control.
So I spent a big time of my adulthood being very disconnected with God, you know, because

(01:08:45):
the religion I learned is not serving me anymore.
I didn't believe it anymore.
But now figuring out my relationship, like what is my relationship there?
What do I want?
And that's been grounding as well.
Yeah.
Yes.
I love that you brought this up, even though it could be triggering because I think you
speak to something that I think is very important.

(01:09:08):
And that is that I think your relationship to God or spirituality is something that you
need to define for yourself.
And a lot of us just kind of inherit what our parents modeled in terms of religion or
spirituality or what God is, what God isn't.

(01:09:31):
And I think it's very important and I can definitely see how it's very grounding to
come to those beliefs on your own.
Because then you truly believe them.
Yeah.
And they're truly coming again from that inside out place.
Like the inside is determining how you're relating to this thing outside of you.

(01:09:52):
And yeah, I love that.
I would say my spirituality also gives me a lot of grounding.
I also prefer to use the word, I don't know, I kind of switch.
I like to use like source or the universe.
And I definitely do believe in like an energy as like the origin for all life.

(01:10:15):
But I also don't think, I don't know if any book out there has gotten it right about
like what that actually is.
And I also think our human minds are not meant to really fully comprehend what God or
source even is.
Because I think our brains would explode if we really tried.

(01:10:40):
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like have a connection, like feel a connection.
I think that's very grounding to feel like there is somebody out there looking after
you.
Yeah.
Like I have, there's a plan for me, you know, everything happens for good.

(01:11:01):
I love to lean in on that.
Yeah.
But I feel like beyond that, it's very difficult to understand.
Yeah.
Maybe we're not meant to.
Yeah, I don't think we're meant to.
I think it's just whatever feels grounding for you is what you have the right to hold
on to.

(01:11:22):
Yeah.
I think that's what I'm trying to say in terms of-
100% that's free will, right?
Yeah, free will.
Yeah, yeah.
Exactly.
I'm so mad, like I'm going off topic, but I'm so mad when we grew up in this cult.
It's basically cult, like how I grew up, right?
And that takes away your free will.
I don't believe in a God.

(01:11:43):
I don't believe that God wants to take away your free will.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
I don't think so either.
Yeah.
I'm like, no, no.
I don't think so, I don't think so.
I'm supposed to actually practice my free will, even if it's a mistake.
Yeah.
Right?
I'm allowed to make mistakes.
That's how we learn.
A mistake is really just feedback that like, oh, that thing didn't work.

(01:12:07):
So from it not working, what did we learn about how to maybe make it work?
Who's the guy that invented the light bulb?
Thomas Edison, I think.
Edison, yeah.
He failed like a thousand times before he created the first light bulb.
But each time it was information of like, okay, that didn't work.
Like, what can we do instead?

(01:12:28):
And I think when we come from a background of toxic relationships and complex PTSD,
we kind of lose that freedom to make mistakes.
And that's a freedom that we need to create peace with so that we can grow in our life.

(01:12:49):
Because a mistake doesn't mean, okay, give up all your dreams.
It's just like, okay, that didn't work.
How can we pivot?
Yeah.
It's just that.
Yeah.
Okay.
I have one more question, and then I'll ask you how people can connect with you.
And that question is, I'm very excited about this one, dramatic pause.

(01:13:17):
Dun, dun, dun.
What is your favorite part about being a woman?
My creativity.
My flow.
I feel like, and I think, see, it's just not one part.
My creativity, my flow, my receptivity.
I think women are very strong manifestors.
I can manifest stuff.
I don't think men can.

(01:13:38):
Sorry.
Even though it's man-infestation.
We need to make it women's, I don't know.
Women is, women infestation.
Yeah.
That's cool.
I have a friend who, like, we kind of pick words apart, and we don't really like the

(01:13:59):
word manifestation, and we call it man-infestation, which nothing against men.
We love you.
Yeah.
Okay.
So interesting.
So can I ask why do you think that?
Is that a curiosity?
For which part?
Why you think that women are manifestors and men are maybe not, or are not.

(01:14:24):
Okay.
So not that they're not, but I feel like women are more natural manifestors, I would say.
Of course, they're not manifestors.
Yeah.
I mean, it makes sense on a biological level, where the ones, like if we choose to have
kids, we're the ones that grow a life.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I can see that metaphor.

(01:14:46):
Yeah.
I never thought about that.
Yeah.
I feel like we can, I don't know if it's, I feel like it's most women.
Like we can envision things, right?
We can envision and we can believe and we can make it happen.
If you believe that power, and we don't have to be masculine about it or be hustling about

(01:15:10):
it.
But we can like lean in and believe and get shit done.
I feel women, like that's, that's how I feel my femininity and like being a woman that
I don't have to be like, do, do, do, even though I can be sometimes, of course, be in
that.
But to me, like being a woman and being like a strong woman is like having this place of

(01:15:34):
center and groundedness and faith and believe and like leading from there and that place
and getting shit done.
That's how I see myself as being a woman.
And that's, I love that.
Yeah.
And it's so great to be able to voice things that you love about being a woman.
And this is why I was so excited to ask you about this question, because we talked about

(01:15:57):
earlier how when we were younger, there was definitely that wish of like, man, I wish
I was born a boy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So celebrating.
Yeah, same celebrating that you've gotten to that place.
Yeah.
100%.
Yes.
Yay.
So for everyone that's tuned in, tell us about your work where people can find you

(01:16:22):
and connect with you and all of that stuff.
So right now I'm mostly on Facebook.
I'm also on Instagram, but you will find me more active on Facebook.
My Facebook is Sofia Ejaz and S-O-F-I-A-E-J-A-Z.
And you can totally message me there and get in touch with me.

(01:16:43):
I'm also working on my website.
I think it will be up soon.
It's sofiaajaz.com and you can totally like reach me out from there as well.
Nice.
I will put those in the caption slash show notes.
Yay.
Thank you so much.
This is lovely.
It was lovely being here and I really, really enjoyed the conversation.

(01:17:06):
And again, like it went very deep, very quickly, but very safely.
And like that's what's with you.
Thanks for going there with me.