Ep 78 - We Marry Our Unfinished Business

In this episode of Operation: Thriving Marriage, we dive into the idea that we often marry our unfinished business. Relationship patterns, childhood wounds, and unmet emotional needs can shape our marriages in ways we don’t even realize. But the good news? With self-awareness and God’s guidance, we can break free from unhealthy cycles and build stronger, healthier marriages.

 

Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb once said, “We marry our unfinished business.” But what does that mean? Many of us didn’t receive the love, support, or affirmation we needed growing up, so we subconsciously seek a spouse who will fill those emotional gaps. However, we are often drawn to what is familiar even if it’s unhealthy. This means we may end up in relationships that mirror the same emotional voids we experienced as children. In these situations, spouses may try to change each other to get the love and validation they’ve always wanted. This cycle creates tension, unmet expectations, and a dysfunctional marriage dynamic.

 

God calls us to move forward, leaving behind the baggage that holds us back. As Paul says in Philippians 3:12-14 (NET):

 

Not that I have already attained this that is, I have not already been perfected but I strive to lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus also laid hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have attained this. Instead, I am single-minded: Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead, with this goal in mind, I strive toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

 

This principle applies to every aspect of life including marriage. If we want a thriving marriage, we must be willing to leave behind past wounds and step into the future God has for us.

 

The first step is to identify your own unfinished business. This is about you, not your spouse. What emotional wounds or patterns are you carrying into your marriage? Are you expecting your spouse to fill a void that only God can truly heal? Once you recognize these patterns, acknowledge how they affect your marriage. Be honest with yourself and your spouse about past hurts. Open up about what’s going on inside, and listen to your spouse’s observations without becoming defensive.

 

Deciding how to resolve your unfinished business is crucial. Who do you need to forgive? Are there past relationships  family, friends, or exes you need to make peace with? What toxic mindsets do you need to let go of? Do you need professional counseling or therapy to help process these issues? Taking steps to heal will not only strengthen you as an individual but will also transform your marriage.

 

Every marriage comes with baggage but that baggage doesn’t have to define your relationship. God designed marriage as a place where we can heal, grow, and become more like Christ. By recognizing our unfinished business and committing to personal growth, we allow God to shape us into the spouses He created us to be.

 

Let’s make 2025 the year of a thriving marriage—not by changing our spouse, but by allowing God to change us.

 

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