Ep 83 - No Perfect Marriages

In Episode 84 of Operation: Thriving Marriage, Bryon and Jen Harvey dive into an important truth: there are no perfect marriages. While we often focus on communication and addressing issues, today’s episode explores why unpacking every problem can sometimes do more harm than good in your relationship.

 

Many couples fall into the trap of thinking they need to discuss and fix every little irritation. But over-unpacking issues can create unnecessary friction, add pressure to be “perfect,” and even bury the good parts of your marriage under a mountain of complaints. Instead of helping, this approach often decreases authentic communication. Usually, one spouse brings up the majority of the concerns, while the other feels overwhelmed and eventually shuts down. Even if the conversation continues, real communication often stops. Over-processing can also turn into a subtle form of control—an attempt to mold your spouse into someone they aren’t—and creates unrealistic expectations for what a marriage should look like.

 

Bryon and Jen are honest about how even Operation: Thriving Marriage might unintentionally contribute to this mindset by encouraging open conversations. While talking through important things is crucial, talking about everything will eventually mean fixing nothing.

 

The solution? Focus on connection over correction. Jen shares a personal story about talking to her friend Bev during a stressful time when Bryon wasn’t meeting her expectations around housework while she was pregnant. That experience highlighted a key insight: the goal of marriage isn’t to fix each other—it’s to stay deeply connected.

 

When couples focus on building connection, they find their relationship becomes naturally stronger and healthier. In high-connection marriages, daily tasks like doing the dishes, feeding the cat, or walking the dog don’t spark arguments. Instead, spouses step up to help without being asked, and responsibilities even out over time. One partner may handle more chores inside the home, while the other takes on more outside responsibilities—but there’s a spirit of teamwork rather than scorekeeping.

 

Bryon and Jen encourage listeners to maximize small moments of connection throughout the day: holding hands, sharing a quick touch, doing chores side-by-side, or running errands together. Sometimes, the best way to “fix” a small annoyance is simply to take care of it yourself—whether that’s wiping up toothpaste, putting away a glass, or hanging up the keys—without making it a battle.

 

Importantly, this doesn’t mean ignoring major problems in your marriage. Serious issues should absolutely be addressed. But it does mean prioritizing wisely, and not allowing minor annoyances to grow into major conflicts simply because they were overthought or over-discussed.

 

Bryon and Jen close the episode with a powerful reminder from Scripture. Ephesians 4:1-3 (NET) says:

 

“I, therefore, the prisoner for the Lord, urge you to live worthily of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

 

Although Paul originally wrote these words about relationships within the church, the principle is vital for marriage too. By approaching each other with humility, gentleness, patience, and love, couples can work together to maintain the unity and peace that God designed marriage to reflect.

 

If you’ve ever felt like you had to fix every small frustration to have a great marriage, this episode is for you. No Perfect Marriages offers practical, faith-based advice for focusing on what matters most—building a marriage filled with connection, grace, and peace.

 

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