Ep. 14 - Raising Enjoyable Teens: Yes it's Possible! - Our 1 Blessed Mess

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to our one blessed mess.
This is Ben and Liz, and we'rehere telling our story of
raising six kids that we had ineight years, while managing an
entrepreneurial home with twobusinesses plus homeschooling,
and currently raising four,almost five teenagers.
And we have seven chickens, twodogs and we're about to have
some goats, and that is honestlyjust to keep life interesting.

(00:28):
And so today's conversationtopic is pretty exciting because
I feel like I need to do a drumroll.
Drum roll please, drum rollplease.
What are we talking about, ben?

Speaker 2 (00:39):
We are talking about teenagers, yes, and specifically
we're talking about raisingenjoyable teenagers.

Speaker 1 (00:46):
Yes, and it is possible.

Speaker 2 (00:48):
It is possible.
It's possible, we know.
There's a stigma out there yes,we do which states that you
know teenage years are difficultand they're hard and you know
there's all kinds of drama andwe're not going to dispute that.
No, but what we do want to sayis that we have great teens and
we've had some of our best yearswith the teens that we have in

(01:11):
our family, and so we justwanted to bring a different
perspective where we can bringsome hope and some life to the
teen years.

Speaker 1 (01:20):
Faith, hope and love that's what we're hoping to
bring is some faith, hope andlove.

Speaker 2 (01:24):
Faith, hope and love yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:31):
Yep, and we enjoy raising teens.
Actually, we've enjoyed it.
I remember this advice I'veshared this before on other
episodes that your mom gave mewhen we first became parents and
I was so nervous about theterrible twos and I was like
hearing about three majors and,oh my gosh, teenagers.
And you know I worked as ayouth leader.
You worked as a youth leader.
So we had been around teens andwe were teens once right.
Remember, yeah, those years andI remember her giving me this

(01:51):
advice and she said I haveenjoyed and loved every stage
and every season.
And I really took that to heartand I thought okay, because I
literally would find other momsthat had what I would consider
successful teenagers, or otherfamilies that had successful
teenagers, and immediately Iwould ask what is your advice?

Speaker 2 (02:10):
Can you?

Speaker 1 (02:10):
pray for me, Especially because when I did
the math I was like there willbe a season when we have five
teenagers.
We're four, almost five, rightnow.
We're almost there, we'realmost there, we're almost there
, and so getting thatperspective, I think, early on,
helped me to embrace everysingle stage and season and not
wish it away.

Speaker 2 (02:27):
Yeah, yeah, and I mean the Bible promises that
children are a heritage, youknow right, In Psalms 127, 4 and
6.
So like we wanted to realizethat in the teen years just as
much as we wanted to in the, youknow, cuter years when they
didn't maybe talk back as much.

Speaker 1 (02:45):
Well, they smelled, but a different kind of smell,
right?

Speaker 2 (02:48):
They weren't as smelly.

Speaker 1 (02:49):
They were.
It was a little bit different.

Speaker 2 (02:51):
Or as awkward, or as awkward yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:53):
They're awkward to hug, yet they need hugs and I
know we're going to be talkingabout that in a little bit.
We want to talk about thatphysical part of touching and
hugging your kids.
Yeah, super important.
There's a lot of science behindit, but, yeah, we have some.
We have a fun story that we'regoing to share as well in this
episode, but yeah go ahead.
Let's jump in it, ben, becausethis is good.

Speaker 2 (03:12):
We got a lot of information to cover, so we're
gonna we're just gonna hit theground running here, but we do
want to say that teens today wefeel you know they are facing
some unique, maybe evenunprecedented challenges.
They are facing some unique,maybe even unprecedented
challenges.
Absolutely, and what we'reseeing is we're starting to get

(03:33):
on the tail end, but the firstgeneration of teenagers that
have really grown up in thatdigital phone, screen-based
lifestyle that's become thenormative behavior for teens,
and so much so that even now wewe looked at some statistics
basically teens spend seven plushours a day on screens.
Now that's not including schoolwork.

Speaker 1 (03:54):
that's like seven plus hours of like entertainment
entertainment, that's on socialmedia, that's gaming, it's yeah
, it's all the things.
It's all the screens, all thescreens, all the screens, all
the screens, all the digitalstuff, all the all, the all, the
all the.

Speaker 2 (04:07):
Yeah, so that that's unprecedented.
I didn't do that as a teenager.

Speaker 1 (04:10):
Neither did I.
You didn't do that as ateenager.
No, because the internet cameout.
Yeah right, when I was ateenager.
That's right, yep, exactly.

Speaker 2 (04:18):
So I mean, these are things that we just no other
generation has faced, I guess,is what we're trying to say Like
, this is something that's new,and so we have to be really
careful, because our teens arekind of an experiment right now.

Speaker 1 (04:30):
They are, and there is more data that's coming out
and you know, I feel like theworld is waking up.
I feel like parents are wakingup.

Speaker 2 (04:39):
I know we've woken up .
We have definitely woken up.
We'll get into all that.
We will, we will.
That will be a future episode.

Speaker 1 (04:46):
And we are going to do it For those of you who are
like stop telling us, it's afuture one.

Speaker 2 (04:50):
Stop teasing it and do it.

Speaker 1 (04:51):
We're actually doing it.
It's the one that's going to beafter this.
We're going to talk aboutdigital.

Speaker 2 (04:55):
We're going to make that.
The next one issue is at theforefront of one of the
challenges that our teenagerstoday face.

Speaker 1 (05:05):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (05:08):
And what comes along with that?
Right, we know that teenagersare going to be exploratory.
They're going to buck all therules that we've put in place.
It just comes naturally withevery generation of young adults
and teenagers is going to wantto challenge the status quo,
right?
The problem is is that theteens are challenging in

(05:28):
different ways digital ways now,where, as before, it was maybe
more embodied or physical.
But the rate of pornography andeven sexting that's coming
because of just the digitaloutlets that are available to
kids and teens is kind of nuts,and so we're seeing a lot of
just bad results.

Speaker 1 (05:48):
Yeah, there's a lot of anxiety, depression,
self-hatred, all kinds of crazystuff that's coming, I mean, on
exponential levels that ourgeneration did not see and did
not understand or know, andstudies are coming out.

Speaker 2 (05:58):
We're getting data.
Now.
We've got a good decade underour belts with the kind of
social media experiment thephone-based lifestyle experiment
and how it relates to teens.
What kind of things happen whenteenagers are using that as the
normative behavior and they'rebeing withdrawn from the
physical world, and so this iskind of really intense right and

(06:22):
so we're going to talk aboutagain I know we keep teasing it,
but we're going to talk aboutmore about that but this
challenge is unique to thisgeneration and we want to say
that even Christian teens don'thave it any easier because, on
top of the digital stuff, nowwe're starting to get some data
that also is not too great aboutour churches, and one of the
things that we found was thatone in 10 of Protestant churches

(06:46):
have dealt with a knownincident of child sexual abuse.

Speaker 1 (06:51):
So that's intense.
That's 10% of the churches,right it is.

Speaker 2 (06:55):
And it's not great.
And so not only do we have thatwhere we've got some rampant
stuff happening, but then on topof that, the normal anxiety
that teens all experience.
Christian teens aren't immunefrom that.
So Journal of Religion andHealth talk about how the rates
of depression and anxiety arevery similar between Christian

(07:18):
teens and non-religious teens,but Christian teens are 40% less
likely to seek professionalhelp, so it might even be like
just an extra layer of maybe notmeasuring up to the morality of
their parents.

Speaker 1 (07:32):
Shame.
They're feeling shame so theywon't go to a professional
because of what they're fearfulof the repercussion when they
really need help.
Right, Exactly Right.

Speaker 2 (07:40):
So we just want to lay the groundwork and just say,
hey, listen, teens are facingunprecedented challenges that
maybe our generation didn't faceand definitely generations
before us didn't face.

Speaker 1 (07:50):
Absolutely, because they were dinosaurs.
According to my kids, they'relike mom were you alive when
there was black and whitetelevision?
Really, really, okay.
There's some fun jokes there,yeah, just stop, keep going.

Speaker 2 (08:06):
So that's a little bit of the negative picture that
we're trying to paint, and youdon't have to think too hard to
realize that some of this stuffis definitely true, but we do
want to say that we found somesuccess with our kids.
We can genuinely sit here andtell you that the teen years
have been great so far.

Speaker 1 (08:25):
We've enjoyed them.
We really are enjoying them.
Yeah, yeah, they're great.
It's the truth, yeah it's thetruth.

Speaker 2 (08:30):
It's not that we don't have our challenges.
No, there's definitelychallenges and we've had to work
through some issues with someof our teens and even some of
the issues that we just talkedabout, but really we've enjoyed
it by and large.

Speaker 1 (08:47):
And it hasn't been that rainy cloud over our heads
that we thought it was going tobe.
And also, I mean we are reallyenjoying them as people Like we
want to be in their space, wewant to spend time with them and
they want to spend time with us.

Speaker 2 (08:57):
They want to spend time with us.
I think that's the biggestthing that we've seen is like
our kids actually get upset whenwe leave and they're excited to
have us back even the teenagersand it's like Whoa, is it
supposed to be like that?

Speaker 1 (09:11):
Even our most introverted most introverted one
that we have out of the wholebunch.
He loves us and wants to spendtime with us.
In fact, he'll even come in andsit in our bedroom.
We have a chair in there andhe'll come and sit in the chair
and he'll just start unloadingand just start talking.
And I mean, I'm just blown away.

Speaker 2 (09:30):
It's different than what we thought it would be.

Speaker 1 (09:32):
Yeah, that's a good way of putting it.

Speaker 2 (09:34):
I don't know if it's because I bought into all the
negative hype.
But it's just, I was expecting,I was putting my seatbelt on and
expecting something way moreintense, and it's been intense,
but it hasn't been bad, it'sbeen actually really good.
So we just want to talk about afew of the things that we have
done that, I think, help thatexperience we've had and again,

(09:55):
we're not experts, we've done alot wrong and we made a lot of
mistakes but we do want to sharewith you because we feel like
these things that we are doingand have done have made a big
difference as it relates to ourteenagers and how we enjoy them,
and we have people who ask us.

Speaker 1 (10:08):
Exactly, I mean even this weekend, we had a family in
our midst and the question cameup.
You know, after they've spentthe whole day with us, they're
like, wow, like what is it, youknow?
And so that's how come thisepisode is happening because we.
Because we're like well, whatis it?
And we got into thatconversation and so we just want
to help.
We want to help share the goodsRight, some things that we

(10:30):
found.
Hopefully it helps you.
If it doesn't, that's okay.
Yeah, but we hope it does.

Speaker 2 (10:35):
So the first thing that we wanted to say is the
first time obedience training.

Speaker 1 (10:40):
FTO, fto, f-t-o, f-t-o, f-t-o is one of our first
episodes.
You want to sing the song Slowobedience is no obedience.
All right, there's more wherethat came from.
So listen and obey.
Hey, there's more where thatcame from.
You can?

Speaker 2 (10:52):
go back and listen to our first time obedience
episodes.

Speaker 1 (10:54):
There's two episodes.
Yeah, there's two episodes.

Speaker 2 (10:56):
Yeah, we did two, so we did want to plug that.
The concept is basically thatwe start with immediate
obedience and I know we knowthat kind of sounds heavy and
harsh, but it's really majoringon the consistency of when
adults give commands, that wehave expectations that they're
met, and there's research thatactually correlates with this

(11:20):
being healthy for children andthen later the teen years.
Right so we wanted to bringsome of that up.

Speaker 1 (11:27):
And we do.
And we do because, as we weregetting ready for this podcast
and finding these stats, it'slike wow.

Speaker 2 (11:34):
Yeah, stuff, we've known all along, but now it's
qualified.

Speaker 1 (11:37):
Right, it's qualified .
We're actually walking throughit and we can point back and go
because we made this decision.
Then we are experiencing thefruit now.
And we didn't really talk aboutthat in our first time
obedience podcast I mean ourepisodes, but let's get into it.

Speaker 2 (11:51):
Yeah, yeah, I think this is so good, so rich.
So one of the things that wefound was that when children who
experience consistent, clearexpectations, they show 36%
better outcomes in the teenyears when there's conflict.
So this is basically saying ifparents lay down the law with

(12:13):
consistent, clear expectationsof their kids, that actually
helps the parent-teen conflictresolution in 36% of the teens
and parents that this study wastaking a look at and that's the
Journal of Research onAdolescence and again, that's by

(12:33):
age 16.
So that resolution, thatconflict resolution, was
affected at 36% in the positiveway.
So really setting the law at anearly age can definitely bring
you know.

Speaker 1 (12:48):
Yeah, and it does Reap those benefits Well,
because the kids feel safe, theydo, they know, and that's what
we experienced is that when wegave them something consistent
and we modeled somethingconsistent and it was both of us
together.

Speaker 2 (13:01):
Then it was like they didn't have to second guess or
they didn't have to play thegame where they would come, try
to get their way by challengingyou versus me or me versus you.

Speaker 1 (13:10):
Well, they did try that some, let's be clear.
I mean come on.

Speaker 2 (13:14):
One of us is more of a softie.
We had a good front.

Speaker 1 (13:15):
We had a good front One of us is more of a softie,
but we established between usthat if those things were
happening, if a directive wasgiven by one parent, I wouldn't
like if you said we would holdthe line but maybe privately,
I'd be like hey, that was reallysilly.
Why are you doing that?

Speaker 2 (13:29):
or vice versa.
You know, we wouldn't challenge.
Yeah, that's no, that's a goodpoint though right we wouldn't
challenge each other's authorityin front of the no, we back
each other up yeah, we'd alwaysback each other.
And then privately we would sayhey, that was, that was dumb
thing we did, you know, and thenthat would start a whole other
argument.

Speaker 1 (13:44):
But that's for another episode.
Hey, 20 years, 20 years, keepgoing, keep going.
So anyways, that's a prettycool stat, and then here's
another one.

Speaker 2 (13:52):
This is from Child Development, which is a journal.
Teens who view their parents aslegitimate authority figures
from an early age were 42% morelikely to disclose risky
behavior to those parents.

Speaker 1 (14:07):
And honestly, we've seen that, like our kids are
coming to us about things theytell us all the things I know,
even today which apparently Ihave been sworn, not to say
anything.

Speaker 2 (14:19):
I was sworn not to say too.
Yeah, so independently.
But we told each other.

Speaker 1 (14:25):
And great that child's going to watch this.
That's right, yeah, wonderful.

Speaker 2 (14:28):
Hopefully we didn't just cancel that effect.

Speaker 1 (14:32):
But it's good, it is good, it is good.

Speaker 2 (14:34):
And I think it just means that we shouldn't be
afraid to be authority figures.
Right, we want to make surewe're nurturing our kids and we
talk about that in First TimeObedience, those episodes.

Speaker 1 (14:44):
Oh yeah, we really break that down and it's not an
authoritarian like.

Speaker 2 (14:47):
Right, it's not authoritarian.

Speaker 1 (14:48):
And we talk about that in those episodes.
But yeah, it's authoritativebut not authoritarian.
No, and there's a bigdifference, big difference, big
difference.

Speaker 2 (14:55):
So, but that does reap this benefit of the kids
when feeling more likely thatthey can trust you with
something really important anddisclosing those risky behaviors
.

Speaker 1 (15:06):
Right, because your word is your word.

Speaker 2 (15:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (15:07):
You've already established that.

Speaker 2 (15:14):
You've already established your trustworthiness
, yes, and the kids and the kidssee it, yeah, and they know it.
So here's another one theadolescents who are raised with
clear boundaries reported bettercommunication with parents
compared to those withinconsistent boundaries.
All right, so that's FamilyProcess Journal.
So again, basically, thattrustworthiness, that clear
expectation, the authoritativeboundaries not authoritarian but

(15:40):
authoritative boundaries reportbetter communication.
The teens, the adolescents,they report better communication
than those with inconsistentboundaries.

Speaker 1 (15:48):
And you know what I was just sitting here thinking,
you know, as we're talking aboutthis, like we were not perfect
all the time, and these honestlylike I feel like the younger
years are like a blur you know,and there were highs and lows,
and highs and lows, but westayed the course, we did the
best we could.
And here we are we've got ashipload of teens and we've got

(16:10):
emerging teens.
We've even got one that'sleaving the nest this summer.
There's so many things that aregoing on and, even though we
weren't perfect in it, we'rereaping the fruit.

Speaker 2 (16:21):
We are we really are.
We put the time in and nowwe're reaping the fruit.
We are, we really are.
We put the time in and nowwe're we're reaping the, the
dividends really dividends fromfrom all that training and it's
been amazing.
We can we can literally sithere and just say this is worth
it, totally worth it.

Speaker 1 (16:34):
So it's hard, but it's way worth it so this
weekend we had a family with usand um uh, we I gave a directive
because some tours need to bedone, there's some things that
need to be picked up and thatkind of thing, and I could go
around and do all of it, but itwould probably take me a good 30
to 40 minutes.
but we have an army, so I'm likehey, you do this, you do this,
you do this, you do this, andthe kids stopped what they were

(16:55):
doing our kids and they went anddid it.
And the mom that was with usturned to me.
She goes wow, she's like theydidn't even talk back, they just
did it right away and I thoughtI didn't even know.
You know what.
You're right, like yeah, youknow, because they knew that and

(17:15):
it really only took.
Like everybody doing their thing, maybe five to six minutes, but
within a super short amount oftime all the things that needed
to be done got done, and then itwas fine, everybody could go do
what they needed to do.
So, yeah, it does pay off to dothat in the beginning years.
So that they know when you sayit, you mean it and they do it.
So listen to those episodes ifyou need more information on it.

Speaker 2 (17:33):
So again, just establishing those boundaries
early on and that consistencyearly on pays dividends in the
teen years.
So another thing that we feltwas super necessary to talk
about.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
Super necessary, super necessary.

Speaker 2 (17:46):
Super necessary.

Speaker 1 (17:47):
This is like explanation point highlighted
starred arrows pointing.

Speaker 2 (17:52):
Yes, yes, we need to talk about this Big old asterisk
here.
Yes, bold, this is that teensneed embodied time.

Speaker 1 (18:00):
You're speaking my language right now, Ben.

Speaker 2 (18:01):
So what does that mean?
What is embodied time?

Speaker 1 (18:05):
Right, what is?

Speaker 2 (18:05):
that concept.

Speaker 1 (18:06):
Are you asking me, are you?

Speaker 2 (18:08):
Sure yeah, let's ask Professor Liz what is embodied
time it means face to face.

Speaker 1 (18:13):
It does it's your favorite thing Not phone to
phone.
No, not phone to phone.

Speaker 2 (18:18):
Face to face.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
Face to face, it means touching and connecting.

Speaker 2 (18:23):
Synchronous communication.

Speaker 1 (18:25):
Okay, you guys.
Ben is really into this.
I can't even say the wordcorrectly.
Say it.

Speaker 2 (18:30):
Synchronous.

Speaker 1 (18:31):
Synchronous.
He's really been into this.
It's kind of funny because he'sbeen researching this for like
a couple months.

Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yes, and it also goes into the whole mutual mind
concept, which I know I'vementioned on a couple other
episodes.

Speaker 1 (18:50):
And we'll dig more into that as well.
One point, okay.
So he'll come in, say it'smorning, I'm having my coffee
and he'll sit across from me andyou'll say, hey, let's have,
say the word again Synchronous,synchronous time, and so explain
what this is.

Speaker 2 (18:58):
So I look at Liz and I look her right in the face.

Speaker 1 (19:01):
Yes, he's looking at me.

Speaker 2 (19:03):
And I give her my full attention.

Speaker 1 (19:05):
Yep.

Speaker 2 (19:05):
And she gives me her full attention.

Speaker 1 (19:07):
I bought an eyeball.

Speaker 2 (19:09):
And we're not distracted by a phone.
Nope, we're not distracted byanything else going on.

Speaker 1 (19:13):
Kids.

Speaker 2 (19:14):
You know, it's like the sanctity of the moment.
And we are living that to thefullest with one another.
And we're prioritizing embodiedrecognition of the other
prioritizing embodiedrecognition of the other and you
.

Speaker 1 (19:25):
But what happens is you start mimicking my face, I
do.
I start smiling and you startsmiling, and then I'll joke.

Speaker 2 (19:30):
Yeah, but there's so much there's so much brain
chemistry going on, here we go,you guys, when we do that with
one another.
It is, it's insane Like.

Speaker 1 (19:39):
Can you imagine having your morning cup of
coffee with these kinds ofthings?
This is what he's saying to me.
I'm like, wow, Okay, so if Iscratch my face, he scratches
his face and he's like just youknow, but I do feel like you're
really listening to me.

Speaker 2 (19:51):
Right.
You know, I, I know that that'sthe goal.
That's the goal.
That's the goal is we're givingeach other our full attention,
and that's what our becausewe're synchronizing.
Yeah, and basically throughoutthe day.
Everything else is taking ourattention.

(20:12):
That's true, including ourphones, our watches.

Speaker 1 (20:15):
Notifications.

Speaker 2 (20:16):
Our children Emails, all the things.
So it's like we're living in aday and age where that
synchronicity is not as commonas it used to be.

Speaker 1 (20:28):
It's becoming rare.
It's becoming rare and it'slike disappearing in our world.
Because, think about it You'rein line at a grocery store.
What is everybody doing?

Speaker 2 (20:37):
They're all on their phones and you know who it's
disappearing the fastest for?

Speaker 1 (20:40):
Yes, our teens, our teens guys, makes you want to
cry.

Speaker 2 (20:44):
We as adults, we've lived through enough life where
we didn't have those majordistractions to us all the time.

Speaker 1 (20:52):
I mean in the grocery store line, our biggest
distractions was like the gum orthe magazines there.
Now I mean the kids are juststraight on their phones.
I mean kids are getting ranover because they're not looking
up when they're crossing thestreet, Like it's just crazy.

Speaker 2 (21:05):
So, yes, so the whole concept that we're trying to
say here, guys, is that we needface-to-face with our teens.
We can't just expect to sendthem a text message or a little
video clip that they can watchlater.
We need that synchronous time.
Video calls is a littledifferent.
I mean, if you can't doanything but a video call,
that's great.
That's definitely on the rightpathway.

(21:27):
But being in-person, embodied,using our body to interface with
another person, with our teens.
That's what we're talking abouthere.
That's proven to decreaseloneliness.
It's proven to help withanxiety and stress when we
actually prioritize ourrelationships.
And there's just so much likebrain science.
That happens when we are withone another and our sense of

(21:50):
identity is being formed becausethat's how we belong is when we
connect embodied.

Speaker 1 (21:57):
And so I'm going to insert something here real quick
.
So our oldest son has beenworking.
He's in college, he's about tofly the coop, like there's so
many things that are going on,so he isn't in our presence as
much as the other kids,especially because they rely on
us for a lot more things, likegetting to where they need to be
and all the you know, all thestuff, and he's more independent
.
So he's not always eating withus.
He's, you know, he's out withhis friends, but what was

(22:19):
happening was, even though wewill still have family dinner
and things, um, we still werenot getting that one-on-one time
with him.
And so a couple of months agowe made a decision what can we
do so that we're face to facewithout distraction, spending
time?
And so we have a standing datewith him one day a week where we
go and we get breakfast withhim and it's just him.

(22:40):
There was one week.
We brought his younger brotherwho's now an adult as well but
his schedule isn't as crazy asthis son because we are
recognizing we only have a fewmore months before this son is
out.
You know, and, and, and it'schanging.
And so us doing that and beingwith him, um, and looking in the
eye and talking with him andstuff and and putting aside all

(23:03):
distractions, all the otherthings he has just eaten that up
.

Speaker 2 (23:07):
He has.
Yeah, he really has.

Speaker 1 (23:09):
So that's just a, that's an idea to put a plug in
your ear if you need that.

Speaker 2 (23:13):
And so a lot of people say that you need at
least 15 minutes of synchronousface-to-face time with your
loved ones, and so we were justextending that to your teens.
Yeah A day, yeah so 15 minutesa day with your teens.
That, I believe, will make ahuge difference.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
So, and I just want to say that you know, we have a
lot of kids in our house, right,there's eight of us living in
this house, and so there's sixof them, and so 15 minutes a day
, that really adds up to quite abit.
So I kind of break it upthroughout the day and I'm kind
of tracking that in my mind andmaking sure that I'm having
touch points with every singlekid.

Speaker 2 (23:51):
You're better at it than I am.

Speaker 1 (23:53):
Well, because probably I'm the mom and I'm the
nurturer, naturally.
And if anything's going on withany of our kids I've said this
for years they go on my target.
So you know they're all goingthrough different stages and
growing and feelings andemotions and boys and girls, and
you know all the things thatare happening and you know their
little hearts going pitterpatter for love, love.

(24:14):
You know we've got some springdance coming up and so I know,
but anyway, but, but they, whenthey're going through something,
they go on my target, and sowhat I mean by that is like for
the week, whatever that childmay be going through.
So it means that I'm probablyhaving more face face time with
them.
I'm praying for them, I'mcommunicating with them just to
see them through, getting overthat hump, you know, because

(24:37):
they, they need that embodiedtime.

Speaker 2 (24:39):
They do, they do.
And along with that embodiedtime that you know that 15
minutes of the synchronous faceto face, you also need physical
touch.

Speaker 1 (24:48):
Yes, and.

Speaker 2 (24:48):
I know that this sounds counterintuitive because
generally when the adolescencecomes, kids start to pull away
physically from their parents.

Speaker 1 (24:59):
Yes, but what?

Speaker 2 (25:00):
we found is that it's still extremely important to
hug our teens to reach out,affirm them, be affectionate
with them, and there's studiesthat show that this actually not
only helps them with theconcept of feeling loved and
having better security, butactually mental health as well,

(25:21):
and it helps with body image.
So there's several studies outthere that correlate this sense
of being affectionate and beingwarm, even with your teens.
Yes, that will help themactually feel better about their
own bodies.
Right?
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 (25:36):
Yeah, and there was a lot of information that was
floating around I know for awhile about like a 10 second hug
or a 12 second hug.
And so you know, I startedcounting under my breath with my
kids, especially my teenagers,making sure that I was hugging
them.
Now they are awkward.
Some of them are super tall andthey're very thin.

Speaker 2 (25:57):
Might not be easy, it may not be easy.

Speaker 1 (25:59):
It's like hugging a bag of bones.
I'm like okay, they're clunky.

Speaker 2 (26:03):
They're awkward.

Speaker 1 (26:05):
But what I'm finding is when I get to probably second
six, the sixth as I'm countingum, all of a sudden they, they,
they lean into me, they theystop like being tense and they
just relax and they lean into myhug.
Now I'm little, you know,compared to our boys, a lot of
our boys and so I'm sure thatthey're just like, okay, my

(26:25):
mom's so little you know, but Imake sure to hug them and even
this morning, when he haddevotions, I made sure to sit
sit next to the team thathappens to be on my target right
now that I'm praying for thatthe Lord is, you know, is
showing me things about thisyoung man, and so I'm sitting
next to him and I made sure tohave that physical touch, you
know, I made sure to sit rightnext to him so that he could

(26:46):
feel that.
And you know what ended uphappening and ended up leaning
in on me and putting his head onmy shoulder and he's a big kid,
yeah.

Speaker 2 (26:52):
You know Taller than me.

Speaker 1 (26:53):
Taller, yeah, taller than you, and so it's so, so
important, and there's so muchin health benefits too.
I mean, you know, I'm thinkingabout people who are in nursing
homes and things like that thatthere's been studies on if
you're touching them when they.

Speaker 2 (27:06):
Yes, in fact, nature of human behavior came out with
a study that said basicallyphysical touch, such as hugging,
can have a medium sized impacton not only our physical health
but our mental health as well,and so that was a recent study
and you know we correlate.
just physical touch is goodespecially if it's
inappropriately, and especiallyif we already know that.

(27:28):
You know we've set thatfoundation of first time
obedience and now we're movinginto more of like that
friendship and that you know,affectionate time, and not that
we weren't doing it earlier, butthat we continue to do it, it
was easier.

Speaker 1 (27:40):
Well, it was easier when they were little.

Speaker 2 (27:41):
It was Because they would come and they would crawl
into your lap and they would bein your bed, or you would read
them a story.

Speaker 1 (27:46):
They were smaller.
You know you had to pick him upand carry him around.
And I'm just thinking about,you know, our one son.
He's very introverted and youknow he doesn't voice his needs
like some of the other kids do.
And I, and it was, I think, twodays ago.
Um, you know, I just saw himthere and I he's one of the ones
that you know, I make sure Ihug every day, Cause some of the
other ones hug me easily.
you know they want that causethey're more physical touch.

(28:07):
And so I went over and I gavehim a big hug and you know,
usually he's like a beanpole andhe won't.
You know, he's super stiff andas I was giving him a hug, of
course, as I'm counting andmaking sure I get to the seconds
not that it has to be a goal,but I'm just like, I just know
when I get to a certain pointyou're going to relax.
He totally relaxed and his facewas beaming and it was like I,

(28:30):
you know, I just I looked him inthe eyes.
I did that, you know, lookinghim in the eyeballs, and I just
said you know, your dad and Iare so blessed to have you in
our family and you're such agift to our family, you're such
a gift to me.
And you're such a gift to yourfather and yeah, and just yeah,
and just encouraged him, and Imean his eyes and his smile was
beaming, and that's the onethat's, you know, on the

(28:52):
spectrum.
So you know, sometimes thosekids don't want to be touched.
But not when you have me asyour mother.

Speaker 2 (29:02):
I'm hugging you.
We'll put another asterisk here.
Yeah yeah, setting digitallimits.

Speaker 1 (29:11):
This is a very big one.

Speaker 2 (29:12):
Setting digital boundaries, just like we do in
first time obedience right.
We're the gatekeeper of kind,of the authority and the
consistency and the expectationswith our kids.
Well, now we're moving intomore of the digital gatekeeping.

Speaker 1 (29:26):
Right.

Speaker 2 (29:27):
And this, I think, makes a lot of difference.

Speaker 1 (29:30):
I think this is probably out of everything that
we've talked about.
This is slightly more importantbecause of the age that these
kids are living in, and I think,as parents, we know something
is wrong, but we don't know whatto do or what you told me this
for years.

Speaker 2 (29:48):
Explain like your little spidey sense was going
off for years and years.
Yes, just lean into that forjust a second.

Speaker 1 (29:54):
Okay, on which part?

Speaker 2 (29:56):
On when you brought in games for the first time?
Yeah, and why?

Speaker 1 (29:59):
So we had our fifth baby and, for whatever reason,
Ben felt like it was time tobring a wee into the house and I
think the oldest at the timewas six and I was like I don't
know if I'm ready to enter andbring that in.
And granted, the Wii had beenout for years.

Speaker 2 (30:19):
Yeah, and someone was getting rid of it.
Yeah, they gave it to us.
It seemed like a goodopportunity.

Speaker 1 (30:22):
Yeah, it was a gift, and he's like I think this is
great, It'll be fine, but I waslike I don't know, I just think
because I had seen, you know,people become addicted to the
stimulant that the game gives.
Like there's this whole.
I mean we're, we'll get intothat in our episode, but like
that, yeah, we'll get into itthe dopamine, yeah yeah, the

(30:44):
dopamine cycle.
And so I just knew it wasunhealthy and granted, we were
playing like we, tennis and likeI mean it wasn't bad, but it
was the beginning of thebeginning and you were mostly
concerned about it, not from thefact that you thought all video
games were bad no, not at allyou just were concerned about

(31:04):
once we go down that path that'sliterally what I said to you
it's so hard to turn around yeah, uh-huh, and then what happened
?

Speaker 2 (31:11):
yeah, and so we went down that path and it was very
hard to turn around.

Speaker 1 (31:14):
But we've turned the ship.

Speaker 2 (31:15):
We have.
We've turned the ship becausewe've come into some research
that we feel like is detrimental.
Well, it's very important thatwe make sure it's not
detrimental to our kids by justdoing the unmitigated, unlimited
digital hygiene.

Speaker 1 (31:33):
Well, we weren't unlimited.
I mean, we've been veryconservative.
We have Like when you lookacross the board at families.
We are extremely conservative.
I mean our children did not getcell phones.
I mean I remember when one ofour daughters was in fifth grade
.
She was one of three fifthgraders who did not have a cell
phone.

Speaker 2 (31:52):
Yeah, okay, in the whole grade.
In the whole grade, not theclass.
She was the only one in theclass Right.

Speaker 1 (31:56):
And you know we, our second grader, was like one of
eight in his class.

Speaker 2 (32:01):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (32:02):
Period.
Right that didn't have a cellphone in second grade.

Speaker 2 (32:14):
So I mean we've been, yes, but tell them why.
There's still some things thatwe're now realizing, that we
want to make sure that we'resetting healthy boundaries
Exactly and so each kid is alittle different, right.

Speaker 1 (32:19):
Right.

Speaker 2 (32:19):
Because each kid has different proclivities to that
digital addiction.
And it really is what it isright.
We're not against all videogames.
We're not against all socialmedia all that stuff.
What it is is taking a look atyour kid's natural proclivities
to digest something that'sunhealthy and not understand how
to put a boundary there.
And so if you get that spideysense like Liz was getting lean

(32:44):
into that you know your own kidDon't just do whatever other
parents are doing just to keepup with the Joneses.
You've got to be responsiblefor that child and if you know
being on social media at eightyears old is going to be
detrimental, then don't do it.

Speaker 1 (33:02):
Right, right.
Don't just join because otherpeople are doing it.

Speaker 2 (33:07):
Yeah, right, and so we felt that and we started
realizing that with our own kidsand so we kind of squashed the
idea of just letting them joinin with other kids as far as
having a smartphone, doing theseother things, and I think it's
really started to turn the shipfor our family.
The other thing that we do iswe use accountability software.
Oh yeah, and we have this one'simportant, we have kids are

(33:30):
going to find stuff, even whenthey're not trying to.
So if you just have anunfiltered Internet.
It's basically like tellingyour kid to go take a sip from a
fire hydrant.

Speaker 1 (33:40):
I mean, it's just impossible not to get blasted
with all this other stuff Evenfor me, you know, and I'm an
adult.

Speaker 2 (33:49):
Yeah, there's stuff that pops up all the time.

Speaker 1 (33:51):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (33:52):
So it's super critical that we are being that
digital gatekeeper to make surethat our kids aren't getting
exposed to stuff that they arenot able to handle Right.
This stuff is becomingincreasingly intense and it's
happening to kids earlier andearlier.
And it's happening to kidsearlier and earlier, and the
research that we see is thatthis actually can have

(34:14):
devastating effects in thewell-being of our kids.

Speaker 1 (34:17):
And it does have devastating effects.
And it does, it really does.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (34:21):
And the accessibility of it is something that is just
so crazy.
Right, we heard stories of ourkids on the way home from school
on the bus.
And there's some kids showingvideos that are inappropriate on
the bus.
And our kids are like, whoa,what the heck do we do?

Speaker 1 (34:40):
Yeah, we also had a neighbor.
Yeah, yeah, there's been allkinds of things.

Speaker 2 (34:44):
It's just wild your kids.
It's not a matter of if, it's amatter of when.

Speaker 1 (34:49):
Yep.

Speaker 2 (34:49):
Right.
And so having accountabilitysoftware, being able to set
clear expectations about what todo when they come across this
stuff, letting them know it'sokay if it happens.

Speaker 1 (35:00):
Right and I think that's the biggest thing is not
shaming, not shaming.

Speaker 2 (35:03):
Right, but set a clear boundary and a clear
expectation that your kids knowto come to you.
Right and then make sure thatyou aren't mad or upset.
Instead, we have to use theHoly Spirit, number one but
number two we know this day isgoing to happen, Expect it, have

(35:23):
an answer for it and be readyto be able to just come
alongside your kid and and andreally just like show them love
and show them a pathway forward,Right, Don't be surprised.
Don't be shocked.

Speaker 1 (35:37):
Right.

Speaker 2 (35:37):
Have a plan to be ready.

Speaker 1 (35:38):
Well, and we'd much rather them do it on our watch
than out in the world.
Because you know we've talkedabout this in other episodes,
but we want we, we want them tohave that experience while
they're under our care.

Speaker 2 (35:50):
Yeah, and not that we want it to be normative or
anything like that, no yeah.
But we also want to help themhandle what happens when things
go wrong.

Speaker 1 (35:59):
Right.

Speaker 2 (36:00):
And we want them to be able to feel secure with us
to be able to share.
So again, that goes back toknowing that we have clear
boundaries, we have clearexpectations, and then we feel
that they'll be more likely toshare and they have so far, it's
been good.

Speaker 1 (36:12):
Now, the software that you use, are you going to
share that?

Speaker 2 (36:15):
Yeah, so I use a couple of different things.
I know that one of them isreally popular is PureEyes.
I don't use that one.
I'm trying to remember the onethat I actually use.
Oh no.
We'll put it in the show notes,but there's several of them out
there.
They're all really good.
They all do lots of differentthings and there's all kinds of
ways that you can do it.

(36:35):
You can filter on device, soApple has the iOS that you can
set content restrictions withthat happens at the phone and
the actual software, and so youcan lock down apps.
You can lock down the internet.
You can do whatever really youwant with your kids' phones, and
we do so.
We do that.

Speaker 1 (36:50):
So you can lock down apps, you can lock down the
internet, you can do whateverreally you want with your kids'
phones, and we do so.

Speaker 2 (36:53):
We do that.
Yeah, we do that.
Android does the same thingright, you might have to go to
someone that's a little bit moretechnical to help you, but
there's ways to restrict access.
And there's even other thingswhere like if kids are getting
text messages, things like thatthere's actually software you
can put on that filters imagesand things that come through
text.
So there's ways to really bevigilant about it.

Speaker 1 (37:12):
We know that we're not going to catch everything,
but if we're intentional, Ithink that's going to help a
tremendous amount Exactly, andalso I mean, like we said, when
the kids do encounter something,that there's already been a
conversation, that we've hadwith them, so they don't feel
the shame immediately they knowto go to us.
Yeah, and we've.
I mean, we've talked about itas a family.
Not some now.
The younger one is older.

Speaker 2 (37:34):
Right.

Speaker 1 (37:34):
You know we can talk about it with everybody, but for
a while there it was just withall the older ones.
You know just as ageappropriate because they're on
devices.

Speaker 2 (37:41):
Right, exactly.

Speaker 1 (37:42):
And we know that they are.
We're in a world that I meanyou.
I don't know how you could livewithout the internet Like
there's no way.
You have to learn how to do it.

Speaker 2 (37:52):
Yeah, and I mean, and even if you can invite your
kids into your own struggles,right, If this is an issue for
you and you can talk about howyou've overcome and how you're
getting accountability, evenwith your own like digital
hygiene, like that is tremendousWell time blocking.

Speaker 1 (38:07):
You know when you're on social media.
You know you don't pick up yourphone until a certain point in
the day you know to check emailsand notifications and things
like that.
So yeah yeah, there's.
Anyway, we will get into moreof that in another episode we
have a whole thing that we wantto talk about.

Speaker 2 (38:22):
But we do have a story real quick about our
accountability.
This is very, very funny.

Speaker 1 (38:26):
This is very funny.
So this just happened inJanuary.

Speaker 2 (38:30):
Yes, yeah.

Speaker 1 (38:31):
We were traveling, you and I were traveling.

Speaker 2 (38:33):
We got the report.

Speaker 1 (38:34):
We got a report that came in.
It was about a few days pastright.
Because we get the report a fewdays past.

Speaker 2 (38:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (38:40):
And Benjamin.
What was in the report?
What was in the report?

Speaker 2 (38:45):
Well, the keywords were nude and woman or nude and
woman body.

Speaker 1 (38:50):
Yes, and so we were like oh, boy, here it comes.
So you, we were actually in acoffee shop and you called me
over and you said, oh dear.
And I was like, oh no.
So then you start going through.
Who in the world would belooking that up?
Right, right, so we're thinking, okay, it's gotta be the boys
or thinking all this kind ofthing, and you sent a message
because not all of our kids havecell phones.

(39:10):
We have an age that we give ourkids their cell phones, and so
anyway.

Speaker 2 (39:15):
Which is 16.
We can say that, yep 16,because just they're not?
A lot of reasons, a lot ofreasons.
They're not ready.
Do the research on that.
Yeah, you do the research onthat, and then yeah, yeah, and
we'll talk about that in anotherepisode.

Speaker 1 (39:28):
But anyway, and so the ones that do have cell
phones?
You ask the question.

Speaker 2 (39:33):
Yeah, I sent a text out.
I was like, hey guys, we're notmad, but this is what came
across our filter.
We're going to have aconversation, so we just kind of
like prepped everybody like hey, this is coming, this is coming
Be ready.
We're going to ask questionsand then we're going to do the
whole thing oh boy, thing oh boy, and then yeah.

Speaker 1 (39:50):
So then it was like, uh, one of our children did not
do well with that and juststarted panicking yeah and it
was really wild.
And this one, this one doesn'thandle correction.

Speaker 2 (40:04):
Yeah, well, yeah, we have to be very sensitive with
this particular person, and so Ikind of just said the same
thing to everybody, and so thiskid started going into
hyperdrive and was like could itbe this, could it be that,
could it be that?
Oh no, I didn't do that, Ididn't do this.
Oh, maybe it's this.
Oh my gosh, maybe I messed up.
And so we were like well, Iguess we know who the guilty

(40:25):
party is.
We're thinking.
We're thinking that's whatwe're thinking.

Speaker 1 (40:35):
We're thinking, that's what we're thinking,
we're thinking, and.

Speaker 2 (40:36):
I say to you maybe we shouldn't have sent that
message just yet.

Speaker 1 (40:38):
Maybe we should have waited, because we still had a
few more days until we got homeand this individual turned in
their phone and they were likeI'm turning it off and I mean
went to the extreme.
The extreme which, by the way,may I say, I am like that.
That is kind of part of mypersonality where it's like, if
there's any possibility that Icould be in trouble, I'm like to
the nth degree.
So black and white Ben'sshaking his head right now

(40:59):
because I am just like I don'twant any part of anything.

Speaker 2 (41:03):
It's like this conviction in me it's like 100%
on or 100% off.
Yeah, there's no in between.

Speaker 1 (41:07):
As this kid of ours was reacting this way, I was
like, oh, I get it.
I totally get it.
So we get home, and it's been afew days.
And then we have a familydevotion and at the end of
devotions you bring in thesearch Nude body.
Woman nude body, we just wantto say we're not mad.

Speaker 2 (41:31):
We just want to say that we do expect you to come to
us and let us know if it wasyou and we want to give you some
time.
So take a couple of days if youneed to so you can get your
courage up, but we really dowant you to come on your own
accord.

Speaker 1 (41:44):
Exactly and tell us if it was you, and again.

Speaker 2 (41:47):
We're not mad.

Speaker 1 (42:05):
I and again, we're not mad you know I shared some
of like my journey and you knowit's basically like ah, so this
is going to be really awkward,but, um, so I was the one that
researched um nude and woman'snude body and the reason is is
because my body's changing and Ididn't really know.

(42:28):
I mean, I know we've read thebook before cause we like have
them read a book like you know.
As mean, I know we've read thebook before because we like have
them read a book.
Like you know, as they'redeveloping, we have a girl book
and a boy book, but she hadn'tlooked at the girl book in a
while and so she's just kind ofcurious and just really wanted
to know.
And I said, well, oh, and shesays and when I typed in,
nothing really came up becausewe have these filters.

(42:49):
And then so then I put in thisand so this is really awkward, I
don't know what to say, I don'twant to say anything in front
of the whole family, and I waslike, oh, and then she says I
went and I found the body bookand you know that we went
through.
And then I looked through itand had the answers and I was
like great.

Speaker 2 (43:10):
So that was not the kid that was freaking out.
No, so no that was a little bitof the drama of our our family
filter and you know and and itended up being a cute story, but
yeah, and then we.

Speaker 1 (43:24):
you know yeah, we, yeah, it was a hunt, but then
you know what was good is shecame to us.
And also what was good is thatthe other one who was panicking
we walked them down off of aledge.
I mean, they're talking likewell, three years ago, and we're
like it wasn't three years ago.
We've already talked aboutthree years ago and we've had

(43:45):
that discussion and we're notbringing any of that up because
that is over and we know OK.
so here we are, three years nowand this is last week and anyway
, it was just very funny, butyeah, yeah, so, anyways, I think
we've hit that point to deaththere.

Speaker 2 (44:01):
But just know that, like, the kids are going to look
to you as the model for thatexemplary behavior with digital
devices and so a lot of thisstuff.
You can't cram down your teen'sthroats unless you're modeling
it too, so just keep that inmind.
That's something that we'vereally tried to work hard on.
We're not perfect, obviously westill mess up.
We still do things that we saywe shouldn't be doing.

Speaker 1 (44:24):
You mean binge watching fail?

Speaker 2 (44:27):
What is it?

Speaker 1 (44:27):
Fail videos.
I can't handle them.
Of course they all.

Speaker 2 (44:31):
Yeah, I was going to say my kids don't complain when
that happens.
No, they all sit together andthey just watch one person
getting hurt after anotherperson.
I can't handle them.
I leave, I start doing laundryor something, yeah, okay.
So last point, this one mightbe the most impactful.
I know we've said that, forlike every point.

Speaker 1 (44:48):
It's all of it.
It's a whole enchilada.
This one's really good.

Speaker 2 (44:51):
Yeah, this is kind of the third point we wanted to
hit is that an active fatherbuilds the best teens, and what
I mean by that is not that weare diminishing a mother's love
or a mother's impact on teens,no that can't be understated.

Speaker 1 (45:07):
No.

Speaker 2 (45:07):
Moms are nurturers by nature, and there's so much
that comes from the mom.
But we have so much data and Imean mountains of data.

Speaker 1 (45:21):
There's a lot of data .

Speaker 2 (45:21):
Oh my gosh, there's so much on here.
I hope you can get it all in,yeah.
I probably won't be able tostate all these facts, but my
gosh, if you ever wanted to findout what a very deterministic
factor is, for teen success.

Speaker 1 (45:34):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (45:35):
Go look at the teens with fathers.
Without fathers and I mean anactive father makes a ton of
difference.
And so I just want to hammerthat home real quick.
There's 10 that I cherry pickedthat are super, super good.
So I'm just calling this thedad factor and I'm going to just
rattle these off.
These are all from differentindependent studies.

(45:55):
Teens with involved fathers are75% less likely to develop
depression and anxiety disorders.
That's from the Journal ofFamily Psychology.
Father involvement isassociated with a 48% reduction
in suicidal thoughts.
That's American Journal ofPreventive Medicine.
Teenagers with activelyinvolved fathers are 80% less

(46:20):
likely to be incarcerated USDepartment of Justice.
That's amazing.
Adolescent pregnancy rates areapproximately seven times higher
for father-absent female teens.
That's from child development.
Wow, Teens with involvedfathers are 39% more likely to

(46:44):
earn mostly A's in school.
Us Department of Education.
Father involvement increasescollege graduation rates by 41%.
That's so good graduation ratesby 41%.
That's so good.
Teens with involved fathers are68% more likely to report
feeling secure in their ownidentity.
Young women with healthy fatherrelationships are 42% more
likely to report satisfyingromantic relationships.

(47:07):
Young men with positive fatherinfluences are 45% less likely
to exhibit violent or abusivebehavior in their relationships.
Teenagers are 63% more likelyto continue religious practice
when fathers are activelyinvolved in family faith.

(47:27):
National Study of Youth andReligion.
There's so much more and I willdrop a link to some additional
stats, but I was just blown away.
I mean, I knew that having anactive father makes a difference
.

Speaker 1 (47:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (47:40):
But I didn't realize how much data we have collected
over, especially over the lasttwo decades, that just make that
point so massively.
You just you can't understateit right.
No, you can't.

(48:03):
And it really helped me to seethat, like you know, my time
with my kids Mm-hmm, Mm-hmmdoesn't have an active father in
their lives.
It just made me see thepotential of even my own time as
not only sacred but just superinfluential to be able to plug
into other orphans and maybeeven widows who are raising

(48:23):
teenagers like dads out there.
We have something to offer thatis super important and can be
super influential in kids' lives, and we know we can't replace
an active father who's a naturalfather.
But we can supplement right.
We can do some work that canmake a massive impact in the
success rate of these teens.

Speaker 1 (48:45):
It's good, and I was raised in a single parent home.
Yeah, and my dad.
We would only see him one day aweek for like four or five
hours, just because he worked alot and it was on his day off,
but he was a mechanic, so he'salways working.
When we were there and therewere men who um other fathers

(49:06):
that were in our churchcommunity that um still poured
into us kids and and with mybrother, and you know it's like
the Lord sent helpers.
And so you know, it's lookingback now and thinking about the
examples that were around Um andand I love my dad, you know,
but he only could do what hecould do and, truthfully, when

(49:28):
we were there for those four orfive hours, by the time we hit
the teen years, we really didn'treally want to be around him
either, because it was boring.
He was working on cars, you knowlike okay, you know, but there
were men that stepped up to theplate and came and did pour into
us and I didn't even know thesefacts.

(49:48):
And, you know, when I look atmy sisters and myself, you know
and and my siblings, it's like,well, most of us pretty much
made it most of us did, butjury's still out on jury's still
out on some of them.
But no, I'm just kidding, butseriously, it it matters.
Yeah, you know it does matter.

Speaker 2 (50:05):
Yeah, it does matter so what do we do like?
We recognize this, not thosestats, but we recognize the
importance of having dad kind ofcome in, especially, especially
in the preteen and teen years.
Right and we didn't naturallyknow that we had another family
that we looked up to.
That was like hey, you got todo this and we're like, okay,
great, let's try that.

Speaker 1 (50:24):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (50:26):
And so this family that we modeled these two
behaviors I'm going to talkabout from.
Basically, it told us when yourchild gets about 12, set aside
an entire year where the dadtakes that kid out on dad dates
right so they're spendingone-on-one time.
That embodied synchronous time.

Speaker 1 (50:46):
Yes, and why is it dads?
Why is it not moms?

Speaker 2 (50:49):
Because dads have this ability to call out the
destiny and the identity oftheir children Right, and I
think it's the way God made us.
As fathers, we have thatauthority, especially when the
kids are younger.
Like it's important for, Ithink, the fathers in particular
to be that authority figure.

(51:09):
We already talked about, kindof the elephant example from
first time obedience.
I love that story.
That's definitely applies here.
But even more than that,instead of just being the person
who says no all the time setsthe boundaries, you also are the
one who tells your kid hey,this is where you're going now.

(51:30):
I'm calling you into yourdestiny, calling you into
adulthood, I'm championing you.
And there's even studies abouthow, culturally, there were
rituals where you would callyoung teens into manhood, into
womanhood, and how we've as asociety, as a secular society,

(51:53):
we've gone away from thoserituals.
And so this is one way that wecan bring that kind of concept
back, where the father is sayingto the teen hey, it's time to
now take the next step.
We're progressing, we're beingcalled into our destiny and into
our identity, and you don'teven have to use that language,
you just be like, hey, thismight be where your job is, but

(52:14):
it's that same concept of likeyou setting the vision higher
for your kids not just to goplay video games all day or to
jump on social media or whatever, but think beyond living with
your mom, and I Think beyondthat when?
do you want to go?
What do you want to do?
What do you?
Want to be casting a vision foryour kids to to like move out

(52:35):
of the nest, I think is superimperative and it's a
traditional role that thefathers have have taken on.

Speaker 1 (52:41):
Right, and I was just thinking too.
You know cause you're going totalk about dad dates and then,
what came with that.
But you know, I've had peopleask me well, how come you're not
the one that's doing mom?
Dates and I thought well,probably because I'm the mom and
I have the heartbeat of thechild already.
I know what's going on, andit's not that you were absent or
anything, it's just thatone-on-one time with just dad is

(53:02):
so precious and it shapes them.

Speaker 2 (53:06):
It has, and we've seen it.
We've seen it.
How many kids have we done itwith so?

Speaker 1 (53:09):
far, you're on your fifth one.
I'm on my fifth kid.
You only have one more to go,yeah.

Speaker 2 (53:13):
So we've been doing dad dates with our fifth child
At 12 years old.

Speaker 1 (53:16):
She's 12 right now.

Speaker 2 (53:17):
Right, and so that's been a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 (53:19):
So when they turn 12, let's get practical.
So when they turn 12, you startyour one year of dad dates and

(53:39):
at the end of the year you go ona dad trip with them and they
get to pick and choose what theywant to do.

Speaker 2 (53:44):
That's right, so it culminates yeah so the end of
that year period of doing thedad dates, we do a dad trip and
that's like a coming of age trip.
Again it's like a ceremonial orjust like a rite of passage and
I let the kid plan the trip.
I give them some parameters, soit's not just like carte
blanche here.

Speaker 1 (54:00):
Well, there's some ideas.
Oh yeah, I want to go toEngland.
I'm like, well, if you're goingto England, mom's going.
End of story, that's nothappening.

Speaker 2 (54:09):
No, it's not happening.
We're staying in the States,but typically we've.

Speaker 1 (54:12):
Pretty much always stayed in our state.
We stayed in state actually,yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (54:15):
Not just the States, but in state.
But typically the kid has someideas of where they want to go,
what they want to do, and so Igive them some parameters, we
talk about how long it's goingto be, what they really want to
do, and pick the top threethings, and then we plan it out.
And it's been just a blast.
I mean, it's been so fun.
I feel like I get to know them.

(54:37):
I feel like I get to know theirheart what they want to do.
We have loads of conversation,especially on the way down.
Sometimes we'll listen to anaudio book.
There's just so much time toget into the heart of the kid
and figure out how can Ichampion them?
Where do they want to go inlife to get into the heart of
the kid and figure out, like,how can I champion them?
You know right, where do theywant to go in life, what do they

(54:58):
want to do?
How can I just?

Speaker 1 (54:59):
come behind them and just kind of give them that
gentle push.
So well, and in the midst ofyou having the dad dates and the
and the trip, it's like you'rebuilding that friendship with
them because they're in thereport because they're about to
become of an age that all thatmatters to them is really
friends.

Speaker 2 (55:12):
I mean they want their mom and their dad, but we
want them to know that we're intheir corner.

Speaker 1 (55:16):
Mom's always in their corner, but dad is really in
their corner and um and dad isalways in their corner, you know
.
But it's just likereestablishing that.
And here we are.
We were years past from evenour first couple of the kids
going through it and it has paiddividends, and it really has
has.

Speaker 2 (55:31):
They all talk about their dad trips.
They all compare about theirdad trips they say who got the
best dad trip?

Speaker 1 (55:36):
you know, it's like, it's so funny to see it.
Some of them really like usetheir wheelhousing.

Speaker 2 (55:40):
Oh yeah, oh they have some kids that are very
competitive, and so they wereable to tweak the system and get
all kinds of all kinds ofgoodies out of their dad trips.
Some got even video gamedevices, which yeah, kind of.

Speaker 1 (55:52):
Well.
I was thinking about how one ofour kids worked it so well that
he got to do iFly twice.
Oh yeah, I mean yeah.

Speaker 2 (56:00):
Some of them know how to work the system Anyway.

Speaker 1 (56:02):
Yeah, it's fun.
It's fun, but it's been reallygood to do.

Speaker 2 (56:06):
It has been good and we highly recommend it.
And so that comes to theconclusion of those three big
points that we wanted to make.
It's like you know we want tomake sure that you start with
first time obedience.
We want to make sure that we'resetting that foundation, then
going into needing embodied timeand then also excuse me having

(56:26):
an active dad and like reallybeing intentional with bringing
the father into the early teenyears and setting like a good
relational foundation.
So we've seen that and it'sbeen amazing and we really feel
like that has helped us, helpedour teens.
And it's just been the X factorthat we needed.

Speaker 1 (56:48):
So yeah, yeah, yeah, we really appreciate it.

Speaker 2 (56:50):
And so, just in closing, you know like we wanted
to just state that, um, it'sreally about that marathon
mindset, right?
It's not about like trying todo, uh, all this all at once,
but just incrementally, likesetting some things, doing some
things, thinking that you knowyou're going to have years where
your kid's a teenager and allthese little things add up.

(57:12):
And so start early and oftenand make sure you're making
those good deposits that thatequal into some big.

Speaker 1 (57:20):
you know outcomes and I would just want to say I've
said this before in anotherepisode, but I got some of the
greatest advice from a woman whohad 10 kids and, um, I just
asked her one day.
She was here and some of herkids were already married and
she had grandkids and she stillhad some at home and I said,
okay, I have some teenagers now,but I'm gonna have a lot of
teenagers like you.
I'm like, what is your advice?
I need the secret sauce and shesaid well I, she goes.

(57:44):
They're still kids, she's like,but I think of them as brownies.
They're not completely done inthe middle.
They they're not completelydone in the middle, they're
still ooey gooey but they'recrusty on the outside.
And I have carried that littlebit of information as I've been
working with all of ourteenagers, watching them grow up
their friends here at the houseand just all the things and

(58:05):
just remembering that they'rebig, they're puppies, they're
just bigger and they're floppyand they're really.
Honestly, they still want toplease you and they still want
to do good and you know they,yes, their emotions are going up
and going down and their voicesare cracking and they're a
little smellier and you knowthey're not showering.

(58:26):
I mean, I just found out,apparently, that one of my
teenagers went for a solid monthwithout bathing.

Speaker 2 (58:32):
No a month.

Speaker 1 (58:33):
That's what he told me.

Speaker 2 (58:34):
Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 (58:35):
I know I'm not kidding you, which makes sense
because, um with helping himwith his laundry, uh, there was
hardly ever any clean underwear,and so I'm so grossed out Like
literally he brags about it.

Speaker 2 (58:48):
Yeah, I know I'm like how did that?

Speaker 1 (58:49):
happen and he thinks it's really cool.
I have no earthly nor heavenlyidea and I really hope that he
is like counting one day as aweek, like it was just four days
or something.

Speaker 2 (58:59):
Yeah, that sounds more realistic.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
Well, I don't know, but this is what he told me.
Okay, but my point is is likethey still want to hear they're
doing good, like they, they, youknow, we always hear like if
you have a criticism orsomething, sandwich it in
between two slices of praise.
Right so you know, rememberingthat they're human and they're
developing and we're just hereto guide them and we're going to
make them responsible adults.

(59:22):
That's what we're workingtowards.
And we want them to beindependent and we want them
thinking and forward thinking,and you know this is a journey,
this is their middle grounduntil adulthood.
And I don't want to look at itlike how I was so fearful and
just like so scared and now it'slike I love teenagers, I love
teenagers.

Speaker 2 (59:42):
So much so that you volunteered to teach a class.

Speaker 1 (59:44):
I've been teaching a class with a bunch of teenagers
and I am just loving it.
I mean, I just see the beautyin these kids, you know, and
they're fun and their humor ishilarious, you know.
I may not know all the weirdwords like skibbity or whatever
those words are now, but butanyway, I know if our kids were
in here and they'd be like mom,you know, or Riz, or I don't

(01:00:07):
know, whatever the words are.
But um, you know, I'm enjoyingthe teen years you know and I'll
enjoy the next season for eachof them.
And you know I don't, I don'twant to squander it because
there may be tension.
Are they my best friends?
No, I'm still their parent, butthey are.
I have friendship with them.

Speaker 2 (01:00:28):
We do have friendship with them and we want to hang
out with them.

Speaker 1 (01:00:31):
We want to go do things with them.
We want to play board games.
We, you know we we played TexasHold'em and it's hilarious,
Like there's.
It's very competitive in ourfamily.
You know, there's we.
We, we do fishbowl, which isbasically charades, and the kids
come alive, and we're we, youknow, do all kinds of things.
You know we go on hikestogether and stuff, and is it

(01:00:51):
all roses?
No, Is there arguing andbickering and all the normal
stuff all the normal stuff, butit's just part of learning and
instead of looking at it as likewhen can I get past this season
, like when they were little,and you're like, when can I get
through the potty training, I'mlike I'm wanting to savor these
moments with our teens.

(01:01:12):
And so anyway, I hope that'sencouraging to everybody.

Speaker 2 (01:01:15):
Yeah, yeah, I hope it is, I think so, yeah.
And again, we just want tostress that we're not perfect
and that we're not experts, butwe really felt like these couple
of things have made such a bigdifference in the raising of our
teens our enjoyable teens, ourenjoyable teens yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:01:31):
Big floppy puppy.

Speaker 2 (01:01:33):
That's right Teens Crusty brownie gooey in the
middle Teenagers.

Speaker 1 (01:01:38):
Some are more gooey than others.

Speaker 2 (01:01:39):
Yeah, this is true.
Yeah this is true.
So we have a couple ofscripture takeaways that we'll
end with, but Deuteronomy 6, 4through 7.
Hear O Israel, the Lord, ourGod.
The Lord is one, you shall, andso you know.

(01:02:14):
I just feel like even whatwe're doing with teenagers, it's
all about setting theexpectation, setting the
foundation, teaching them theway they should go, sharing with
them God's commands.

Speaker 1 (01:02:23):
And we're just depositing you know, layer by
layer, brick by, brick.

Speaker 2 (01:02:27):
We're helping them build their whole person, so I
just feel like that's kind of agreat takeaway from today.

Speaker 1 (01:02:34):
Yes, but make sure you read Galatians, 6, 9.

Speaker 2 (01:02:37):
Oh, go ahead Watch it .

Speaker 1 (01:02:38):
Okay, it's so good and let us not grow weary of
doing good, for in due season wewill reap if we do not give up.
And so, mamas and dads, don'tgive up.
Just don't give up.
If you need help, reach out tothose that are around you that
maybe are in your community.
Ask for prayer, be talking toyour teenagers, communicate with

(01:02:58):
them.
I promise you, if you go beforethe Lord in prayer and you
begin to make your petitionknown, he'll give you ideas,
he'll give you insight.
Like I told you earlier, whenI've got a teen that's going
through something, or any of ourkids that are going through
something, they go on my target,you know.
I mean whether it's, you know,being conceited or maybe

(01:03:21):
bragging or lying, or oh pleasebickering.
You know anger.
You know there's things thatare happening and it's like,
okay, you know this, this, theLord gives me insight.
You know as's things that arehappening and it's like, okay,
you know this, this, the Lordgives me insight.
You know, as I begin to prayfor that particular kid, the
Lord will give me insight, andI've invited others at times to

(01:03:42):
pastors to speak into our kidsor to pray with us.
And uh, you know, it takes avillage.

Speaker 2 (01:03:47):
Don't grow weary, Do not give up.
Do not give up For all you dadsout there that might be
minimizing your impact.
Look for outlets where you canspeak into the lives of other
children who don't have anactive father.
That's good.
So just be cognizant of theneed for that and be aware of
how much power and influencethat you have just by being a

(01:04:10):
father and a father figure inother people's lives.

Speaker 1 (01:04:13):
That's so good.

Speaker 2 (01:04:14):
Yeah, don't grow weary in doing that either.

Speaker 1 (01:04:16):
So Well, that was quite the topic, that was Woo,
that was Boy.

Speaker 2 (01:04:21):
It was a good one.

Speaker 1 (01:04:22):
Enjoyable teams.
So we just want to say thankyou for being a part of our One
Blessed Mess today.
Don't forget to subscribe andto share with a friend who may
need this encouragement.
You may know somebody who'sraising some teens or has a teen
and you're like, hey, I've gota great podcast that you should
listen to.
They have an episode on raisingenjoyable teens.
They have four, almost five.
It's a youth group.

(01:04:44):
We literally have a youth groupin our house, but just remember
to follow us on Instagram andFacebook.
We do have some pages set upand we love hearing from you
when you DM us and send usmessages or comment.
I mean, it is so exciting tohear from you and what you get
out of what we're sharing.
And also, if you have aquestion or you're wanting to

(01:05:05):
hear us talk about something,let us know, because we would
love to tackle that as well.
So, until next time, embraceyour beautiful mess, because if
our mess can what Be blessed,then what then?

Speaker 2 (01:05:20):
Then soak in yours.

Speaker 1 (01:05:21):
That's right.

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Ep. 14 - Raising Enjoyable Teens: Yes it's Possible!

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Ep. 14 - Raising Enjoyable Teens: Yes it's Possible!