Ep. 16 - 8 Tips For Newlyweds: Crowdsourced Marriage Wisdom - Our 1 Blessed Mess

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Liz (00:06):
Welcome to our one blessed mess.
This has been a Liz, and we arehere sharing our story of
raising six kids that we had ineight years, managing our
entrepreneurial home with twobusinesses, homeschooling and
currently navigating with fouralmost five teenagers.
If you've been following us,you know we've got a fifth one
coming, plus seven chickens, twodogs and drum roll please, two

(00:31):
goats.
We just got two goats and thatis just, honestly, to just make
me crazy, I think that's what'sreally going on, my diabolical
plan.
Yeah, your diabolical plan.
Today, as I was helping thesegoats and had everything all
over me, I was like I don't knowif I'm meant to be a farmer's
wife.
I mean, this is not what I knewwhen I signed the contract,

(00:53):
when we were getting married itwas in the fine print did.

Ben (01:00):
I expect.

Liz (01:01):
I didn't know.
Ben told me when we were datingthat he did not like chickens.
His parents had chickens and hewas like, oh, they're nasty,
I'll never have chickens.
Well, he didn't tell me thetruth.
It was in his heart of hearts.
Somewhere in there he had asecret.

Ben (01:14):
Maybe I didn't know, maybe it was something I found out
about myself.

Liz (01:17):
Oh Lord, have mercy, Ms Agnes.
What other self-discoverythings are we doing?

Ben (01:21):
I didn't realize that I needed two boats in life.

Liz (01:23):
Oh, we do have two boats, and now we've got two that
practically make one workingboat, maybe Right right, I don't
even know if both of them work.
An itty-bitty boat and then abig, big giant boat.
In fact, one of the times thatwe were pulling that boat,
somebody said that's a big partyboat.
Yeah, party barge.
That's what they call it aparty barge, yeah, okay.
So what is today's conversationtopic about?

(01:46):
Ben?

Ben (01:46):
Today we're going to be talking about eight tips for
newlyweds.
Eight tips, and we want to justjump right in with tip number
one.

Liz (01:53):
Are you ready for this?
Yes, let's hear it.

Ben (01:54):
Tip number one out of our eight tips is that there are way
more than eight tips.
There's way more.

Liz (02:07):
So anyone who says otherwise is lying.

Ben (02:08):
There's not some secret magical things.
There really isn't because,let's be honest, like each
relationship is different yeah,and it's dynamic.
In fact, I would think that amarriage relationship is the
most dynamic relationship youhave on earth absolutely maybe
even I know I don't want tosound sacrilegious but maybe
even more dynamic than yourrelationship with god because
embodied yeah, you're embodiedwith this person.

Liz (02:27):
Yeah, well, the lord's love is.
It happens throughrelationships.

Ben (02:31):
The lord's love is greater and it's more more perfect yeah
perfect and it's definitely moreuh of the focus on this side of
heaven, but as it relates tothe dynamisy of a marriage
relationship.
I mean it's like second to noneright, right, I agree.
There's so many twists andturns.
There's so many.

Liz (02:51):
Yeah.

Ben (02:52):
Mysteries.

Liz (02:53):
Oh, the mystery I mean it's like Am I mysterious?

Ben (02:57):
Every day, every day.

Liz (02:59):
You better be nice.
I don't know Ben you need to.
I don't know, I don't know whatyou're going to say, what
you're going to do.
Oh, here we go.
Oh boy, wait, be nice.

Ben (03:04):
I think I'm digging myself a hole already.

Liz (03:05):
Yeah, okay, move on, move on, move on.

Ben (03:07):
But okay.
So the point is, there's nomagic formula.

Liz (03:12):
Right.

Ben (03:12):
There's unique and common struggles in each relationship
right Right.
Absolutely.
We have struggles that mostrelationships have, but we also
have unique relationships.
I'm sorry.

Liz (03:22):
Unique struggles.
I was like we do have a uniquerelationship.
We got a bunch of goats andchickens.

Ben (03:28):
Oh man, goodness gracious, we're raising a bunch of kids,
so the point is, though, isthere's just such a uniqueness
about it, right, and we ended upwhat?
We ended up texting a bunch ofour friends.
We were like, hey, give us yournumber one.

Liz (03:41):
Give us your number one.
Give us your number one tip fornewlyweds Give us your number
one tip.
And what was pouring in firstof all was very funny.
I mean we laughed our heads offand it was funny because Ben
and I were in separate areas and, as the texts were rolling in,
he and I would laugh on cue atthe same time a couple of times,
so it was really fun.

Ben (03:57):
It was fun.

Liz (03:59):
But what we're discovering is, everybody has a different
number, one us everybody has adifferent number, one Everybody
had a different number one.
It was very, very interestingto learn.

Ben (04:05):
It was yeah, it was just unique, and so that's what we
came away with.
We got some really great tips,but I think what Liz and I came
away with is, like everybody'snumber one is going to be
slightly different.

Liz (04:17):
That relationship is slightly different than the next
one.
So our number one is there isno number one.
There is no number one, they'reall number one.

Ben (04:24):
But in order to have an episode we've got to narrow down
to eight.
So we did that.
We're not going to do a rugpull on you guys.

Liz (04:31):
We do have eight.

Ben (04:33):
So what do you think we should do?
Should we just jump right in?

Liz (04:35):
I think we should jump right in.
I think it would be pretty good.
We do have a lot of stories andwe're trying to figure out
where we're going to insert allof them, because there's like
way too many I know.
So you guys are really in likejust get a cup of coffee, or if
you're driving.

Ben (04:51):
Maybe a bag of popcorn.
Bag of popcorn, yeah, somethingthat might be very entertaining
.

Liz (04:55):
So maybe we should start out with like when, just our
little bit of our journey.
When we first got engaged, Iwas living in another city and
you were still in college.
And so you know, here wassomething that I know I had been
anticipating for years tofinally be a bride.
I mean it was cute because theweekend that you proposed to me

(05:16):
I was visiting because a friendof mine from high school my best
friend from high school wasgetting married.
And so you proposed to me thenight before she got married and
then we went to the wedding andwe're engaged and it was so
exciting.
And then the next day I wasflying back home and here we are
at the airport.
And how many times I had flownback and forth or drove, or you

(05:37):
left, or however that went down,and I would always be the one
crying.
You'd be like it's going to beokay, we'll see each other in X
amount of weeks, or a couplemonths or whatever, but this
time this time I was bawling myeyes out.

Ben (05:50):
He was at the airport bawling and you were excited.
What the heck is up with that?
I?

Liz (05:53):
had already gone to the grocery store.
I had bought the Bride magazine.
You were like I can't wait toget back, I'm going to of my
gift mixes planning.

Ben (06:02):
Like I do enjoy planning, yeah, and I'm strategic.
I love that.
Might not be my highest.
Well, but remember you'resaving that for another time.

Liz (06:10):
You are an artist, so you had your say in a lot of what
was going on.
But but like I remember thatand thinking like dude, he's so
emotional, I'm like it's finallyhappening, I'm getting married,
you know, and you're like yourheart was was like this is my
wife, like this is the womanthat I'm gonna spend the rest of
my life with you, know, and soum don't go away yeah, and we
had a full year of engagement intwo different cities and that

(06:32):
was really hard.

Ben (06:32):
I don't suggest doing that yeah that's not in our tips but
that was very, very difficultthat's a freebie.

Liz (06:37):
that was very difficult because, like you know, we were
hardly even in our datingrelationship in the same city,
so we weren't having thoseembodied experiences.
All of our communication was oncell phones.

Ben (06:48):
I don't even think we had text messages.

Liz (06:49):
We had email.

Ben (06:50):
We didn't have video call back then.

Liz (06:51):
No, we didn't have video call.
There was no text messages,because we're back in the
dinosaur ages.

Ben (06:56):
Well, there's text messages .
But it was no, it was IM.
Yeah.

Liz (06:59):
Like AOL or something.

Ben (07:05):
But I well or something.

Liz (07:05):
But I was on.
I was on a night shift and youwere on a day shift and in
college.
So there was like it was hardto connect and, uh, you know I
would be alive and spry at like6.00 AM and you're like, oh my
gosh you're so tired.
You're waking up.
In case you guys didn't know,ben loves sleep, so anyway, um,
but, but you know we startedthis journey and it was hard
because, having a counselingsession, we had to, like, try to

(07:27):
find resources you know allthese kind of things to work
together, and so I kind of wishwe had this, you know, if I were
to go back to being, you know,engaged and a newlywed first
couple years of marriage, like,some of these things that we're
going to share are very good andthere are things that we've
learned along the way.
Yeah, maybe even eye opening,Maybe eye-opening and so, anyway
, you want to jump in, or do wewant to talk about right after

(07:49):
we got married and what weexperienced?
Let's jump in, let's go to thefirst one and we'll leave in the
stories later.

Ben (07:53):
So okay.
So tip number one.
This is a little bitself-serving, because we talked
about this in a previous episode, episode yeah.
But we feel like the number onetopic was embrace servitarian
marriage, and that's just afancy made up word that we came
up with for basically sayingdon't be selfish, serve your
spouse Right.

(08:13):
That's tip number one.

Liz (08:14):
Put the other one first.
Yeah, and I know a lot ofpeople are like, oh well, it's
50-50, but it's really not.

Ben (08:20):
It's 100-100.
Yeah.

Liz (08:22):
It really is.

Ben (08:22):
Yeah.

Liz (08:23):
And we talk about that in episode.
We do, yeah, so that's episode.
I believe it's episode eightYep.

Ben (08:32):
So, and again, just to dive in a little bit on that right
the Bible talks about Well,there's kind of two different
views that people get from theBible.
Just say it that way there's acomplementarian view and also an
egalitarian view, and so wefeel like when husbands take on
the egalitarian viewpoint, andwhen wives take on the
complementarian viewpoint, thenthere's really no need to argue
about which viewpoint is better,because it boils down to kind

(08:55):
of the same concept which is I'mgoing to serve the other person
.

Liz (08:58):
Yeah, I'm going to serve, and that's scriptural.
Yeah, yeah, serving, it'sbiblical.

Ben (09:02):
Exactly so you can just kind of do a little bit of
research on your own.
In fact, we even have a littlebit of a guide that takes you
through all those scriptures andjust shows you kind of how we
came to this conclusion where wefeel like it is biblical to
focus on the serving aspect.
Yes, you can wade through thenuance of each scripture
reference, how that backs up thedifferent views, but at the end

(09:24):
of the day, if you just focuson serving your spouse, then
you'll be a lot happier.

Liz (09:28):
You will be a lot happier because what we have found is
that when I serve you, it's likeit awakens love in you to serve
me Right.
And it's across.

Ben (09:38):
What do we call that?
You know what we call that.
We mentioned it on the previousepisode, I don't know.
Feedback cycle.

Liz (09:44):
Oh, feedback cycle, I don't know, you guys this is what
it's like being married to Benall the time.
I'm like teaching moment.
There's a test, it's an exam.
I think I just failed.
Did I pass?

Ben (09:55):
That's all right.
I don't even know.

Liz (09:56):
There'll be more pop quizzes along the way, 50 years
ahead of us.
Okay.

Ben (10:01):
That's true.

Liz (10:01):
So, and and two, you know when we were talking about this.
This is whether you've beenmarried for eight days or 80
years Like it doesn't.

Ben (10:08):
it doesn't matter.
So yeah the newlywed things isjust kind of a little bit of a a
guys, I mean it really.
This stuff is super helpfuleither way, so tip number.
That was our takeaway fornumber one.

Liz (10:22):
Yes For number one.
Yeah, easy peasy.
And I know we have somethinghere written about sacred
marriage.
Yeah, and Gary Thomas in SacredMarriage asks what if God
designed marriage?

Ben (10:36):
to make us holy more than to make us happy.
That's a good thought to ponder.

Liz (10:40):
We talk about this as a family not just us, but like
with extended family, likesisters and brother-in-laws, and
we say marriage is where youdie.
Then you have kids, okay.

Ben (10:50):
I like to say it this way, which I don't know who came up
with this, but I think it's kindof nice.
Marriage is God's originaldiscipleship program and
evangelism program, because youknow you're making disciples if
you stay together.

Liz (11:05):
So the old fashioned way Fruitful and multiply.
That's right.
Fruitful and multiply, fruitfuland multiply.
But really.

Ben (11:10):
I mean as far as like learning how to love one another
by laying down your life.
I mean that is, I think,textbook definition of marriage.

Liz (11:18):
Yeah, it is A really successful marriage.
Well, and that's like part of atune up for marriage.
Let's remember that, yeah,we're getting tuned up right now
.

Ben (11:25):
Yeah, serve me, serve you, it's going to be good
Servitarian, all rightServitarian.
What's number two?
Ben Tip?
Number two this one is fun.

Liz (11:33):
Yes, I know what is it.

Ben (11:35):
It's also challenging, yes, it is.
Number two is fight fair.
We know because we've beenmarried 20 years.
But you really don't have to bemarried very long at all to
know that conflict is justinevitable.

Liz (11:53):
It's inevitable.
You're going to hit conflict.
It's going to happen.

Ben (11:56):
The most peaceable, loving people I know are still going to
have conflict.

Liz (12:00):
Yeah, because you're human beings, You're not human doings,
you're also selfish humanbeings.
Yes, I hate to break it toeverybody, but we're pretty
selfish.

Ben (12:07):
The things that we contextualize have to do with
the body that we live in, soeverything that we experience is
relatable to us.
We have to think outside ofourselves and so, anyways, all
that to say, fighting fair,knowing kind of the rules, right
.
Like knowing how to say hey, weneed to stay in our boundaries.

Liz (12:28):
Well, and I mean there's a lot in that Like I mean we can
really impact this.
This should probably be anepisode, but like we do not
bring up the D word.

Ben (12:36):
Yeah, that's true.

Liz (12:37):
We do not bring up that word.
That is not even in our mindset, say it.

Ben (12:41):
You guys have to figure out what the D word is.
I, our mindset.
I won't even say it.
You guys have to figure outwhat the D word is.
I'll give you a hint it's theopposite of being married.
Wow, go ponder on that.

Liz (12:49):
Hopefully you passed that quiz that was a quiz, that's
right.

Ben (12:52):
I learned that one.

Liz (12:53):
Okay, but we don't even bring that up.
We decided early on in ourmarriage like we're just not
going to bring that up, we'renot going to even play around
with that.
We're not going to evenentertain that because you got
to catch the foxes.
If you don't catch those foxes,those little thoughts, they can
grow and grow and grow and growin your vine, in your garden of
your marriage.
And so you've got to get that.

(13:13):
You got to capture those, yougot it.

Ben (13:15):
And I think to stay angry or bitter right Like that just
poisons a relationship Right,and so we've got to be careful
with how we engage in conflictbecause really that's the person
you're supposed to be closestto, and if you're doing damage
to that person, it's going to beextremely difficult to come

(13:35):
back around.
So it's that almost crazy cycle.

Liz (13:39):
Right.

Ben (13:39):
Where do we hear that from?

Liz (13:41):
The whole concept of the crazy cycle.
Oh, love and respect.
Yeah, and that is.
We love him actually.
He's really really great.
I always say his name weird.

Ben (13:48):
Emerson.

Liz (13:50):
Eggrich, I always say it weird, we just call him Emerson
Eggrich?

Ben (13:53):
I don't know, I think that's how you say it.
We all say Emerson.
We just say Emerson.
We got a lot more out of theDVD series.
Yeah, we did that DVD.
I dated myself.

Liz (14:08):
Early on when we were newly married.
Well, let me back up.
Your dad gave us a dupul bag ofthings that would be useful on
our honeymoon, and it was superawkward.
I love your dad, but it waslike it was a goodie bag.
When you showed it to me whenwe were on our honeymoon, I was
like you brought that and he'slike there was books and other

(14:29):
things and I was like and I knowI'm bringing it up right now-
but we didn't plan on bringingthat up.

Ben (14:37):
I'm sorry kind of caught me anyway in there was this book
now, first of all, on yourhoneymoon.

Liz (14:43):
If you're reading a book cool, that's true honeymoon, if
you're reading a book coolthat's true, we weren't really
reading a book yeah, we, we weredidn't have a whole lot.

Ben (14:49):
Yeah, yeah, we, you know we were trying to do other things.

Liz (14:52):
We were trying to figure that out well, we were trying to
recuperate because it had beenlike full steam ahead, because
when I came back into town whenwe were getting married, I mean,
it was like late nights, earlymornings, late night, you know,
getting ready for a weddingbecause I was trying to plan in
another city states away.
So anyway, but he in love andrespect by Emerson, so great
because he talks about.
you know how the women have pinkearphones and a pink megaphone

(15:13):
and you have blue earphones, orI call them earmuffs, but
headset and then a bluemegaphone megaphone and you're
only you can only hear blue andI can only hear pink.
And so we're like we'recrisscrossing and I want love
and you want respect.
And when I was reading thisbook, when we finally tried to
start reading it, I was like youwould say to me I don't feel
like you respect me and I'm likehow do you know I'm not
respecting you.
And then I would say well, Idon't feel love.

(15:35):
And you're like how are you notfeeling love?

Ben (15:37):
It's almost like we can't switch the it's really hard.
I mean you perceive love theway that you perceive love,
Right?

Liz (15:47):
So we just needed to learn how to communicate it, and so,
when we watched the DVDs, we didit with a small group that you
and I created of young marrieds.
And we watched it together inour small group and we finally
got it and I finally realized,oh, and we learned about the
crazy cycle.
And you can get into a crazycycle, you know, and you start

(16:07):
fighting and it's like you know,oh, if you're not careful,
somebody's got to be, I wouldsay, big enough to jump off of
it, and sometimes it's me, andsometimes it's you, but what
does that look like when youjump off of it?
Oh, stopping.
For me it's keeping my mouthshut.

Ben (16:19):
Maybe even asking forgiveness right.

Liz (16:29):
Well, sometimes I do that Sometimes.
I don't If I just keep my mouthshut until yeah, well, and I
want to make sure that my heartis pure when I come to you and
ask for forgiveness and viceversa.
I know that.
But when we're having conflict,like we know we're going to
resolve it and we in ourmarriage in 20 years we really
rarely have gone to bed angry ateach other Like there's been
only a few times that it'scarried over into a day or two
days.
I think I can maybe think of oneor two arguments in 20 years
and I'm not trying to like tootour horn and say like we're

(16:50):
doing it better.
It's because we, oh we, don'tfight at night, Like if it's
late, and you're tired, Rightright, okay, first of all, ben
really loves his sleep, so ifhe's tired and we're starting,
it is going to be crazy, crazy,crazy.
So I've had to learn that ifthere's something that I really

(17:10):
do want to bring up, I need tomake sure he's been rested, fed
and happy.

Ben (17:13):
Well, there is a scripture reference that talks about not
letting the sun go down on youranger.

Liz (17:18):
It's Ephesians 4.26,.

Ben (17:19):
be angry and do not sin.
Do not let the sun go down onyour anger.
And you know it's notnecessarily a carte blanche to
just go be angry all the time.
That's not what this verse isabout.
It's about actually resolvingand not leading to sin, and
really it's taking out thatbitter root that could form.

Liz (17:38):
Yes, and so when we go to bed at night, we've even said I
know that we have tension rightnow, but it's not a good time to
talk about it.
But I love you and we'llresolve it tomorrow.

Ben (17:48):
Yep.

Liz (17:49):
You know, and then we both go to sleep.
Yeah, so you know, take thatbit of advice if that's helpful
to you and use it, because whatwe have noticed, if we didn't do
that, and we're at a stalemateand we're on the crazy cycle and
not one of us is willing tocome off of the crazy cycle
first it can get really not goodand there is like walls big

(18:16):
walls between us.

Ben (18:17):
Right, you know, yeah, jumping off is important.
You got to be willing to jumpoff.
Well, someone has to be thefirst person to do it.
You do, yeah, and it's reallysacrificially, I mean.
That's kind of what it comesdown to is like going and being
low, choosing to you know servethat other person by maybe even
saying you're sorry first.
Or you know serve that otherperson by maybe even saying
you're sorry first, or you knowdoing an act of love or
something different to kind ofget off that same behavior.

Liz (18:36):
Absolutely, absolutely.

Ben (18:38):
All right.

Liz (18:38):
Do you want to move on?
I think we should.

Ben (18:40):
Okay, number three Number three I think it's your turn,
right.

Liz (18:43):
You want me to share.
Okay, number three is one of myfavorites Never stop dating.
N-s-d.
Never stop dating.

Ben (18:51):
Oh, I like it.
Yeah, I like it.

Liz (18:53):
Talk to me about that, Ben.
What does it mean?

Ben (18:59):
Basically, it's doing the first things you did in the
relationship.
I mean, a relationship is builtbased on making it special,
prioritizing time with thatother person.

Liz (19:21):
So if you just stop cold turkey when you get married,
thinking that, like oh, now I'vecaptured this woman, I don't
have to do anything.

Ben (19:26):
I'm speaking from back to the capturing of your heart.

Liz (19:30):
Uh-huh.
That can lead to some bad, somebad things, and so you can be
in a place where it can getreally icky.

Ben (19:38):
Yeah.

Liz (19:38):
Yeah, and we've had that in our marriage actually For sure.
We were in a place one timewhere love was growing cold.

Ben (19:45):
Yeah.

Liz (19:46):
And this was probably year four, five, six, I don't
remember.
Somewhere in there growing cold, and this was probably year
four, five, six, I don'tremember, somewhere in there.

Ben (19:54):
We had some kids and I was getting attention from another
man in our life.
He was a friend of the familyand he didn't and it wasn't
mischievous or anything.

Liz (19:58):
No, there was nothing but my heart was desiring
conversation and you were busydoing the things that you
thought were right to do, but wewere not getting dates, we
weren't getting synchronized, weweren't even getting sleep?

Ben (20:12):
No, well, you were getting sleep.

Liz (20:15):
Let's be clear on that.

Ben (20:17):
Nothing goes between me and sleep.
Oh my gosh.

Liz (20:20):
So, sad.
It's okay.
What was that selfish thingthat?

Ben (20:24):
we were talking about.
It's okay, it's a work inprogress.

Liz (20:26):
It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
I'm over it.
Like those years I wasn't.
I was like I would be late upat night with a kid looking over
at you and like hating youliterally hating you.
I'm like, how can you sleep?
I've been up three nightsstraight with throwing up kids,
you know, but you could sleepthrough it.

Ben (20:43):
I could, and you're just, it's a gift.
We'll say it's a gift.

Liz (20:45):
Yeah, and then, even when you would wake up, you're like
no use.
It's like oh my God, just goback to bed.
You are.
Anyway, it's okay.
He's great when he's up andhe's had a sleep, he is on it
when I got my sleep.

Ben (20:57):
I'm great, you are great, it is true.
I'm terrible, it is, it's true.

Liz (21:01):
Okay, so never stop dating.
I know we're getting back tothe thing, but in the midst of
that, what it was was that youknow that part of our
relationship was dying on thevine and we needed to
recultivate that again.
We needed to put money towardsthat.
We needed to put it as our, putus back into the in the
priority, and you know it takesas a married couple.

(21:24):
It takes a while to kind offigure that out, especially as
you're adding kids, becauseBecause it seems like the
immediate is always the children.

Ben (21:30):
Or the jobs taking off right, Right We've seen it so
many times where a man gets thepromotion or maybe becomes an
entrepreneur.
Right and there's just so muchmore demand for that person's
attention.
And it's like well, I've got todo this because things are
becoming successful and it'slike well, you also got to keep

(21:55):
in mind that your marriage hasto be successful, and the only
way to have a successfulmarriage, I think, is to
prioritize that other personwhich includes time and it does
and knowing the other's lovelanguage.
Yes.

Liz (22:03):
You know there's plenty of free test out there that you can
take and figure that out andthen understanding how your
spouse receives love and thenunderstanding how they give love
.
And I think, and it's verydifferent because how you show
love isn't always the way that Ireceive love, and it's only
been recently that you've been astudent and this isn't like.

Ben (22:24):
this isn't putting you down or anything yeah.

Liz (22:26):
Compliment school.
He's been in compliments.

Ben (22:29):
I've been in compliment school for 20 years and right
now I would say I have a C plus.
I was basically a D minus or anF, and so I'm getting better.

Liz (22:38):
It's just taken a long, long time.
What it is is you think it, butthen you never say it.

Ben (22:42):
It's true, I kind of stay in my head, which is also
problematic in a lot ofdifferent ways.
But, yeah, it's got to come outfor it to count, and so it's
not because I didn't even knowyour thoughts.

Liz (22:55):
So when you tell me your thoughts, verbalize it.
Yeah, you got to verbalize it,and also with the kids in little
years, probably the number onelove language that I needed was
acts of service.

Ben (23:08):
Yes, because if you're helping me with the dishes, if
you're helping me with bathing,that's important.
It changed for you right.

Liz (23:11):
It did change.
Would you say it changed?
It has changed.
Okay, I mean, I still doappreciate acts of service, but
it isn't filling my love cup asmuch as other things are now.

Ben (23:18):
Right.

Liz (23:18):
And what's interesting is it was different before we got
married and had kids.

Ben (23:24):
Relationships are dynamic and there's not a magic formula,
oh my gosh Crazy.
I think I am, did I get?

Liz (23:30):
an A you do Thank you.

Ben (23:32):
You brought it all the way back.
I brought it all the way backto an A.

Liz (23:35):
But I just want to go back real quick to the point of the
dates and how my heart was beingfilled with the thoughts of
someone else.
And I think sometimes for womenit maybe isn't even a physical
person.
It could be actually in a book,it could be in a movie, and so
there's always that comparison,because what was happening was I
was comparing you you know,because our, our love was my

(23:58):
love.
Club was very empty.

Ben (24:00):
Right.

Liz (24:00):
And and I was comparing you to what was around me in this
dynamic conversation.
And you know it wasn'treciprocated, whatever.
It was only in my head.
And it wasn't a year lateruntil I realized it and
confessed and said oh my gosh, Ithink I had this and you're
like, okay, you know, and wedealt with it, but but it, you
know, it's so important.
As wives, I think that we guardour hearts and we recognize
that.
And then also vocalizing becauseI remember, when I started

(24:24):
getting the understanding that Ineed to tell you and I'm going
to share this real quick becauseI think this is super important
when I remembered oh my gosh nooffense, I'm not saying you're
dumb, this isn't- what I'msaying.

Ben (24:35):
I'm trying to find a way.
I don't do good on sleep.
I'm dumb.

Liz (24:40):
I'm trying to say this with , like, I'm trying to lift you
up.
Okay, you're not thinking likeI'm thinking, right.

Ben (24:47):
Like a woman.

Liz (24:48):
Yes, so when I need my hand to be held.

Ben (24:51):
That's fair.

Liz (24:57):
When I need my hand to be held.
I can remember driving aroundin our minivan and kids in the
back and being upset with youbecause you're not holding my
hand.
Well, you're not even thinkingabout holding my hand.
You're probably thinking aboutsome football game, I mean, I
don't know.
Or you're like I got to get anoil change, or you're like I got
to keep my kids alive.
I got to keep my kids I don'tknow what you're thinking, but
I'm like thinking, gosh, Ihaven't been alone with you and,
yes, we're in the car, but Iguess this is kind of a date,

(25:22):
and so I had to learn for me tosay hey, babe, I need you to
hold my hand, and when you reachover and you hold my hand, I'm
not mad at you that you did itbecause I told you.
You did it because you love meand you're serving me and you
want to fill my needs.
So I had to get that figured outand I've shared that with a lot
of women.
Like, hey, make your need knownand say, hey, what I would say
to you when it could be a coupleof weeks that went by and money

(25:45):
was tight and I was doing allthe things to try to save up to
be able to go out on dates andpair babysitter well, and I
would say, hey, my love tank islow and that was an indication
to you that you need to buy meflowers, you need to write me a
note and you need to plan a date.
Like, I need you to take thattime, look me in the eyes and
remind me why you love me,remind me why we are married.

(26:07):
Remind me why we are married,remind me that you see me,
because I'm covered in vomit andsnot and all the things that
kids put on me and you know Ihaven't bathed and it's like
hard and I need to look forwardto something of you romancing me
, because you're the only onewho can romance me, right.
Yeah, that's what it is, and sowhen I say those things hey, my
love cup is empty or hey, babe,my love cup is starting to wane

(26:29):
I can't get mad at him that hedidn't pick up on it and he's
not thinking about it, and Ican't think that my definition
of being intimate and beingromanced is the same as yours oh
, here we go, we're going therebecause that's intense is this
in the tips?
It's not, but okay, let's gothere yeah, it's well.

Ben (26:44):
I I mean, I think we're gonna get there actually okay,
yeah, well, just just share aswell.
Yeah, so it's like we wereconnecting physically, but there
wasn't that romance that youneeded as a woman.

Liz (26:54):
And also.

Ben (26:55):
I needed to portray as a man.
I just didn't realize it, right, right.
And so, because things weretight on time, or Money, or
money, or we had make it work sowell, there's still creative
ways that.

Liz (27:08):
I could have done better during those years, and so
that's just a hindsight 2020kind of thing right.

Ben (27:16):
I feel like now I'm figuring out how to prioritize.
Not only have I been going tocompliment school, but I've also
been trying to go to datingschool, So-.

Liz (27:19):
He's doing really good.
You guys, I'm getting better?
Hopefully not worse you are,you're doing great.

Ben (27:24):
Yeah, so it's just like learning how to figure out the
needs of your spouse and movingforward with that and realizing
that a lot of times justcommunicating- right, we were
communicating more about itwould have been better well, we
were learning speaking ofcommunicating, we could jump on
the tip four yes, let's go whichis please forgive like it's
your job, because newsflash it,it is your job, it is your job.

(27:48):
And we talk about this a littlebit in episode six right.
My right to offense, and do wehave one biblically?
Offense is kind of an epidemicin our cancel culture and just
you know everything.
She said, he said, he did, shedid.
I mean, it's just pointing thefinger, is it is just human

(28:11):
nature and it's everywhere.
But what's divine is to forgive.

Liz (28:15):
That's right.

Ben (28:16):
And so Jesus forgives us.
He laid down his life for us toprovide a way for us to be
redeemed to God, and so webelieve that also includes one
another, and we've got to bewilling to be like him and to
forgive.
And it's not a feeling, it'sliterally a decision.

Liz (28:32):
It is a decision.
Yeah, there's been times whereit's tough.
Oh, it's hard, Super hard,super hard, and one of us and
the other one will choose toforgive.

Ben (28:41):
Yeah.

Liz (28:41):
And it goes against like we just know it's the right thing
to do.
I mean it's the same thing inour kids.
Yeah, I mean it's the samething in our kids.
Yeah, I mean we're teachingthem the power of forgiveness.
Right and keeping shortaccounts.

Ben (28:51):
That's important too, because when your kids see that
right, they model that behavior.

Liz (28:56):
Yep.

Ben (28:56):
So if you can show that you guys forgive one another even I
mean not obviously to go haveconflict in front of them, but
to show the conflict resolution,I think in front of them is
important and say, hey, mommy,daddy might have been arguing
last night.
You guys might have heard it.
Or maybe we did on the way homefrom church, or maybe we were
right in front of you, or we didit on the way to church.

Liz (29:17):
Hey, let's be real, let's be real.
Our one blessed mess.
Let's be real.

Ben (29:20):
But the point is is like bringing that back, not letting
it just kind of be out in theair but say hey, listen, this
happened.
We've said we're sorry to oneanother.

Liz (29:27):
We're human.

Ben (29:28):
We've asked forgiveness.
We're human.
Modeling that forgivenesspattern and bringing it back to
the Lord.
I think is super important forkids to see that.

Liz (29:37):
Yeah, absolutely so.

Ben (29:40):
I mean, I think that's pretty much it on that topic.

Liz (29:42):
Yeah, I feel like that's good, and I just want to say
that.
What is that saying?
The first one to say they'resorry wins.

Ben (29:49):
Yeah.

Liz (29:50):
Now, this is very true.
So sometimes Ben will come andwe'll be in an argument and
he'll be like I'm sorry and I'mlike I don't want don't even say
it.

Ben (30:02):
Yet I am not ready?

Liz (30:02):
I am not ready.
You want to be a littleoffended?
I am upset with you and I wouldlike to be angry for at least
another five minutes or hours,depending, you know, and so you
know, and I'm the, I am thepersonality that I need to make
sure that I'm right, like youknow in my heart.
I'll say my sorry, but it maytake time for me to process and

(30:24):
come back and be like hey, so Ineed I need to really say my
this you need a little more time, and that's okay.

Ben (30:30):
Yeah, it's okay to have a little time to process those
emotions, but you've got to getback to that forgiveness that
forgiveness piece.

Liz (30:37):
Yeah, and so yeah.
Well, the Lord wants us toforgive one another?

Ben (30:40):
Oh for sure, yeah, something about 70 times seven
or something like that.

Liz (30:44):
Yeah, I feel like there's something in the Bible about
that.
Yeah, yeah.

Ben (30:48):
Yeah, so anyways, let's jump to tip number five.
What do we got for tip numberfive?

Liz (30:54):
Laugh together often.
That's right Humor.
What does it do?
It diffuses tension.
It does it really does.

Ben (31:01):
It does.
This is something that wereally enjoy together as a
couple.
Not everybody may be the funnyguy or funny woman, and that's
okay, but it's still awesome tolaugh together as a couple.

Liz (31:12):
And we will even put on TV shows that are just the two of
us and we will laugh our headsoff together.
There is um science out thereabout when you're laughing
together and the connection thatyou feel.

Ben (31:21):
It's the same thing when you're dancing, oh yeah.

Liz (31:23):
Um, there's a connection that happens there, that
embodied experience mutual mind.

Ben (31:27):
Ben, I'm pulling out your words.
Something about endorphinsmaybe.

Liz (31:34):
Endorphins.

Ben (31:35):
Yeah, yeah, there's so much , but when?

Liz (31:36):
you're laughing together and keeping things lighthearted
and those that choose to havekids or do have kids.
There are so many funny thingsthat happen and you just have to
just laugh your way through it,because if you don't, you're
not going to have a good timeyou might go crazy you might,
and you don't want to be thisperson that has like a serious
scowl on their face.
No, you know, and so a lot oftimes when you and I are having
an intense moment or I'm beingintense maybe it's more me and

(31:58):
you'll look at me and you'll belike, really, and you have this
smile on your face and I'm like,don't do that, because you just
have a way to diffuse it for me?

Ben (32:06):
Yeah, because you just have a way to diffuse it for me.
Yeah, yeah, it's true.
And vice versa, yeah, viceversa, yeah.
You say some really funnyone-liners, or maybe even you'll
mispronounce a word, but it'slike almost the perfect timing
for it, and so there's been somereally hilarious stories about
that.

Liz (32:20):
I never, ever mispronounce my words.

Ben (32:24):
Should we even tell a story about mispronouncing words,
which?

Liz (32:26):
Should we even tell a story ?

Ben (32:27):
about mispronouncing words, which one I don't know.

Liz (32:28):
There's so many, there's way too many.

Ben (32:30):
Can you talk about the one?

Liz (32:31):
where you said it on stage.
No, no, I can't.
I was speaking and it was anintense little thing.
No, you had to be there, likeno, you had to be there.

Ben (32:43):
All right, all right.

Liz (32:44):
I mean We'll have to move on, because that's a pretty
funny one it is.

Ben (32:47):
This is a family thing.
Yeah, it wasn't anything badbut I mean anyway.

Liz (32:51):
So just talking about sharing laughter, the laughter
of the righteous will be theirjoy and that's in Proverbs 10,
25.

Ben (32:57):
Yeah, and that's a loose translation.
We get it, you know, but likethat's, that's one of the Bible
translations that we got thatfrom.
We like the, we like thattranslation, I, we like that
translation.
I have no idea how accurate itis, but it does kind of embody
that you know, that joy goesdown, makes the medicine go down
.

Liz (33:13):
It does make the medicine go down, and when we share
laughter, it creates sharedmemories.
And so when we are laughingtogether, like you know, it's
bonding us in our marriage.
It's making us stronger.

Ben (33:24):
Yeah.

Liz (33:25):
And it's good.
Like the Bible says, laughterdoes the heart good.
You know it's good.
Like the Bible says, laughterdoes the heart good.
Yeah, you know it's goodmedicine.
Yeah, and I'm just thinking,like even us doing this podcast
we have it's made us think aboutall kinds of hilarious things
that we've walked through or,you know, experienced with our
kids or in our marriage, and itis hilarious, it is really

(33:45):
hilarious, yeah, even lookingback at it.
So Good times, yeah, evenlooking back at it.
So Good times, yeah, Good times.

Ben (33:50):
Good times, All right.
So tip number six we're getting.
We're getting through thesepretty good.
So tip number six, this one, isbig Talk about money before it
talks for you.
So this one, this one's been achallenge for me personally.
We grew up differently.

Liz (34:08):
We grew up.
Way different we grew updifferently we grew up.

Ben (34:09):
Way different we grew up different.
Yeah, my background growing upwas middle class, maybe even
upper middle class.

Liz (34:17):
Right.

Ben (34:18):
And just had just so much different experience than you in
your upbringing.
I grew up poor, and so no money.
Things that I needed or wantedeven, were just readily
available, you know and thatcreated some expectations for me
in the marriage that's a niceway of putting it Expectations.

Liz (34:40):
That's a nice way of putting it.

Ben (34:41):
They do all kinds of things , but for me, like learning how
to talk to you about financialdecisions has been, I think,
something that's taken me a longtime to learn, so I believe
we're getting closer to the samepage.
I can't say that we always dothe get on the same page, but
mostly now I feel like we havedone the work of figuring out

(35:04):
how not to make the other personmad by purchasing things.

Liz (35:08):
Well, and what we know is financial stress is the number
one cause of marital conflict.

Ben (35:13):
Yeah.

Liz (35:14):
And that is very, very true .
And we, you know, in ourexperience and in other
marriages that are around us, wesee that you know, and, whether
you know, somebody is thespender, somebody is the saver.
Maybe call them Scrooge too, ohsure, but you know, you come
from different backgrounds andyou maybe you don't have the

(35:35):
same beliefs as money.

Ben (35:36):
Yeah.

Liz (35:36):
You don't have.
You don't even have the samebeliefs of how to spend your
money.

Ben (35:41):
Right.

Liz (35:41):
And I think that's important as a married couple is
to get clarity on that.
You know, like looking at abudget some people hate that
word budget I happen to be oneof those people but it's
necessary in order to make theVaran clan function.
And I didn't know that when wegot married, I was going to be

(36:03):
the one that would be in chargeof paying all the bills.
Now you're making money, but youhave no idea what bills were
paid you don't, you have to, youknow, yeah, and so all that
responsibility was on myshoulders for years and I was
kind of resenting you in it,because we never really got down
totally to the nitty-gritty.
I mean, yes, there's financialpeace, I know there's lots of
things that are out there, but Itook financial peace and even

(36:25):
went to a conference and whatdid you do?

Ben (36:28):
I went to financial pieces.
Maybe I never did financialpeace.
He didn't.

Liz (36:34):
And so yeah.

Ben (36:36):
Yeah, we had just a very different understanding about
finances, about prioritizingthem Right, and you were a
little older when we got marriedtoo, so you had a little bit
more life experience.

Liz (36:45):
And I was Higher credit score too.

Ben (36:46):
I was definitely yeah, a much higher credit score and I
was a little bit more greenbehind the ears and just like
didn't have all of theunderstanding and experience
with money.
So when we came into some moneylike I just didn't make the
kind of, I guess, prioritiesthat I needed to make.

Liz (37:09):
But then you did, we did and we kind of figured it out.

Ben (37:11):
We made a lot of mistakes and learned from those mistakes.

Liz (37:13):
About a decade ago you did.
Maybe 15 years ago.
We made a shift in our finances.

Ben (37:19):
Yeah, Shifts in our finances and we started
prioritizing things and wereally tried to do as much of
the Dave Ramsey kind of stuff aswe could.

Liz (37:25):
And there's other things out there.
There are.
Yeah, you don't have to just dothis, right.

Ben (37:30):
It's important to talk about that.

Liz (37:31):
It's an important thing to talk about it and understand
what the other prioritizes, andso something that for us that
we've learned that we reallylove prioritizing and we put
money towards it is traveling.

Ben (37:43):
Traveling.

Liz (37:43):
Yeah, and one of the reasons that I think we do that
is because I watched mygrandparents save and scrimp and
save and scrimp, and they putall this money away so that when
my grandfather retired theywere going to get a little cabin
or a little travel trailer, putit behind their vehicle and
travel all over the country.
Well, when he retired he hadAlzheimer's and they were never

(38:04):
able to do their dream.
And so we I mean for me, I lookat it, I go, we should live now
, not just thinking we're goingto live off in the future and so
putting money towards that also.
We're on the same page as faras giving goes.

Ben (38:18):
That's huge and we try to teach our kids about the five
buckets of finance which arespending, tithing, saving,
investing and giving.

Liz (38:26):
Giving.

Ben (38:27):
Yeah, and so each one of those is important and you have
to have a plan for each one ofthose.

Liz (38:31):
Yes, you do.

Ben (38:31):
And so, again, you have to go back to your spouse, you have
to communicate, you have tofigure out what their priorities
are.
And then also, I think it makessense to kind of objectively
look at a third party, like aDave Ramsey or just looking for
someone who's a bit more of anauthority on this.
Yeah, because have differentexpectations.

Liz (38:47):
Absolutely.

Ben (38:47):
And you're going to go back to your childhood and think,
well, what do my parents do,what did your parents do?
And so I think there's just gotto be a little bit of a third
party objective view.

Liz (38:57):
Exactly.

Ben (38:57):
That can help settle some of those issues of money,
because those are some of thehardest.

Liz (39:02):
Absolutely.

Ben (39:02):
Conflicts to resolve.

Liz (39:04):
It is, it's the money stuff it is.
And I think too, having a timeI mean, this is just a tidbit.
I would suggest having a time,if not weekly, definitely
monthly, where you're sittingdown and you're looking at it
and communicating and talkingabout.
Hey, for us being entrepreneurs, we would have months of great
increase.

Ben (39:23):
Right, right.
And sometimes things wouldhappen like a boat would show up
in my yard or not a boat oh,it's okay.

Liz (39:33):
I mean whatever you know, I don't even know what other
things, I'm not going to even gothere, but but it's like okay,
just having those kinds of uhkind of community, that kind of
communication, where you'relooking at it and remembering
like I know Dave Ramsey talksabout this having fun money, you
know, you have your money, Ihave my money, blow money.
You guys can do whatever youwant to with it, and something
like that.
If you can start it off earlyin your marriage and if you've

(39:55):
been married for decades, likeus, it's never too late to try
to figure that out at all.
And then also, too, talkingabout what's a priority for one
spouse and what's a priority foranother spouse.

Ben (40:06):
I really feel like that's key, Liz.
And what's priority for anotherspouse?
I really feel like that's key,Liz.
It's like sometimes people withthe most kind of financial
sense will just kind of come inand dictate how the money is
going to go.
I've seen that in relationships.
And it's like an entire personis left out of some of those
decisions.
And I don't think that'sbiblical.
Even if maybe you are theperson with the most financial

(40:27):
background, you've got the mostfinancial sense, or how about?

Liz (40:29):
this, you're making the money.

Ben (40:31):
So sometimes I see this in marriages where I mean, I've
seen it.

Liz (40:36):
Where, say, the husband is out there, he's making the dough
and the wife is home and she'swith the kids, not holding a job
or anything like that, and thedictation always comes from well
it's our money.
Like you got to throw that out.
I mean it's our money.
It's not your money, it's ourmoney.
That's hard.

Ben (40:54):
And you got to think like, hey, that wife or whoever the
person is at home maybe it isthe husband, whoever it is like
they're in it just as much.
They're doing all the importantthings, like maybe possibly
cleaning the home or taking careof the kids, and so that person
going to work couldn't do allthat stuff if they weren't there
.

Liz (41:09):
Nope.

Ben (41:09):
It would look a lot different.
And so there has to be thatequity in that decision making
where the other person feelslike they're contributing, feels
like they are heard, and so,talking about money, as hard as
it is, that's super importantfor you guys.

Liz (41:22):
Yeah, and make sure that you're on the same goals,
because I've seen it where maybeone spouse has this huge goal
to get X amount of money insavings and then the kids are
never getting new socks andshoes, because it's like
squirrel away, squirrel away.

Ben (41:37):
And it's like, oh my gosh, our kids are like Someone's
being neglected.
Yeah, and so that's a goodpoint.

Liz (41:41):
Yeah, anyway, the point is communication, talk about it,
talk about it, talk about it.
Money is so important.

Ben (41:47):
It is.
And just like this next tip,which is also really important
this, I think, goes back to Liz,what you were saying about
dating and about spending timewith that person, but this is
also about drum roll pleaseprioritizing intimacy.

Liz (42:06):
Yep.

Ben (42:07):
And not just sexual.
All kinds Right Physicalintimacy matters, yep.
And not just sexual all kindsRight Physical intimacy matters.
Yep, it's not the only kindthat matters, though, right, and
so you also want emotional andspiritual and even intellectual
intimacy.

Liz (42:21):
Yeah.

Ben (42:22):
That's one thing that I love about you is that-.

Liz (42:24):
That I try to track with you as best as I can you humor
me?

Ben (42:28):
I mean you're like, okay, let's hear about what you have
to say or let's hear what yourgrand plan is, and I think it's
just fun to be able to sharewith you some ideas or something
I'm learning and you enjoy it.
You might not always beinterested in it, but you're
interested in me, and so thatmakes it enjoyable for you.

Liz (42:45):
Well, yeah, and I appreciate that.
Yeah, you Well.
Yeah, I appreciate that.
Yeah, I'm glad you do.
It's definitely interesting forme because I have no idea what
you're learning or what's goingto come out of your mouth.
No, especially when I firstwake up and there's a cup of
coffee in my face and you'relike hey.
So I'm like what?

Ben (42:59):
I would have to say you probably draw the line with my
job If I start talkingprogramming or code with you.
Save me.

Liz (43:05):
Take me home, beam me up, scotty, just take me home.
But I've learned about, let'ssee, oh shoot, now I don't even
know the names of the programsPython, and is it not Reddit?
What is it?
What is it Rust?
I don't know.

Ben (43:18):
I don't even Please Different languages.

Liz (43:21):
My brain cells are leaving me Change the subject.

Ben (43:25):
So okay, the Change the subject so okay, the point is is
that essentially, we want to beintimate with our partner in
life.
And it's not just physical,although that's very important
and it's about making sure thatyou know the entirety of your
spouse.

Liz (43:42):
Right, right, be interested in what they're interested in
Spiritually, physically.

Ben (43:47):
All those things is important.

Liz (43:48):
Well, and I just want to say that when you were becoming
a programmer, you're a webmaster, and then I don't even remember
all your other titles thatyou've had but you would talk to
me about all of theseprogramming things and I'm like
I don't know what the heck he'stalking about.
And so another friend of mine,her husband, was working with

(44:09):
you, and so she and I made it apoint to try to start
understanding some of theseterms so that we could appear
interested in what you had tosay I like it and so so very
long, long, long time ago I waslike, okay, I'm going to learn
about C++, and I'm just sayingthat because it's an old, old

(44:29):
onebut like you know some of these,
like things that were your life, you know, and and like you get
excited about Apple and theirnew phone that's coming out and
the new program and I'm like,okay, let's pop popcorn, and I
could really care less, but itmattered to you.
And I'm like I'm in there andI'm just thinking like there's
other examples like maybe yourhusband loves basketball or your
wife loves the ballet, maybeyour husband loves basketball or

(44:49):
your wife loves the ballet, youknow.

Ben (44:51):
Or maybe your wife loves Pride and Prejudice.
I actually kind of like Prideand Prejudice.

Liz (44:53):
That one's not hard for me.
Yeah, he watched it all byhimself.
I don't have to act interested,I can actually be interested.
Yeah, yeah, you like love, Ilike romance.

Ben (45:01):
Yeah, I don't like a lot of the sappy stuff, but if it's
like culturally specific, likein, you know, Victorian era,
that like that's interesting tome because of the history.
Um so the, the, regency of itall.

Liz (45:14):
Um, and I'm thinking too, like you know, all the areas of
connecting is also you dreaming?
Because one of the things thatI have learned about Ben, so you
guys know that we love strengthfinders or I specifically do,
and so does he.
But I recently went back overBen's top 10 in Strength Finders
and he has ideation really high, which means he's filled with

(45:38):
ideas.
And when I read that I went, oh, that makes so much sense
because Benjamin, right here,sitting right next to me, can
have lots of ideas and a veryshort amount of time.
And for me as his wife it'slike okay, I'm going to do this.
Okay, is he really thinking?
Because I'm very practical, soI'm like okay, so he wants to

(45:59):
get a pole barn.
All right, now we're going toredo the driveway.
Okay, wait, we're going to redothe kitchen, oh yeah, the pond,
now one of his dreams Got goatsnow.
Yeah, he's been talking to mefor goats for years.
We just got our goats.
I don't know about this pondthing.

Ben (46:12):
I don't want to talk about it, yeah.

Liz (46:14):
Like one time we were driving down to the beach and
you were dreaming and you'relike.
You know what, liz?

Ben (46:20):
we could live in trees and I was like Treehouse, yeah, yeah
, and I said what?
And Try to convince her that itwas a good idea.

Liz (46:28):
I mean, he was like ideating full on and I said,
well, what about lions?
And you're like, well, it, kidsare like toddlers.
I'm like what if they fall offthe tree house, you know?
And I'm like, I'm like, youknow, not shooting down your
ideas, but just kind of like.
And so what I've learned isthat when you're ideating, I

(46:51):
will say to you are you justdreaming right now?

Ben (46:52):
And you'll say yeah, no-transcript, and so connecting

(47:32):
with you right Connecting withyou, and that's just yeah,
that's just one way and I canthink of.
Also, a way that you like toconnect is through dance.

Liz (47:38):
Oh yeah, I love to dance, so we've been doing dancing on a
semi-regular basis.

Ben (47:43):
Yep and we go and it's been fun and I've been learning.

Liz (47:46):
You should see Ben and I do the tango.

Ben (47:49):
I can do the tango somewhat Somewhat.
I can do like two or threemovements in the tango and
that's about it.
That's about all I got.

Liz (47:57):
No, you're pretty good.

Ben (47:57):
It's fun.
It's fun, it's fun.

Liz (47:59):
But when we put on this music, like when we put on our
ballroom music, the kids arelike scatter.
Yeah, they're like, oh they'regoing to make us, but our kids
do no swing.

Ben (48:08):
Speaking of ideas.

Liz (48:09):
Yo no, here we go, I have this grand idea.
Oh no.

Ben (48:21):
To be able to dance Lord.
So that's my big, that's my bigpie in the sky is like I'm
going to do dancing with herbecause I love to skate.
And I also love to do like thejam skating thing where we're
moving and dancing together, ifyou guys go to our one blessed
mess on Instagram or on Facebook.

Liz (48:32):
One of the first videos we ever posted, if I'm not mistaken
, is Ben on skates with a leafblower.
Mistaken is Ben on skates witha leaf blower.
This is around Christmas time,out in front of our house with
the and on the road, because wejust got the road paved, and
he's out there using I don'tknow why you're.
What were you doing?

Ben (48:50):
Well, I was doing it so we could clear the road, so we
could all skate on it.

Liz (48:54):
Exactly, ben is a jam skater Like he's hilarious.
I try, I mean no, you're prettygood, like no, no, no mean.
No, you're pretty good, like no, no, no, no.
You're pretty good, like whenthe kids have birthday parties
and that they're friends attheir school.
Okay, so the school that ourkids went to, they had a skate
night.
Ben went to it and, I kid younot, the next day I'm getting
messages, emails from teachersand they're like I had no idea

(49:15):
that your husband was such agood skater because he went to
the, the skate night, the kids'school I didn't go, he went and
then you know what happened isthe kids' friends.
When they had skate parties theyinvited our kids but they
wanted Ben to come and therewere a few times he didn't come
and the kids were upset.

Ben (49:31):
Yeah, they were Because you're that good.

Liz (49:34):
I'm not kidding people, he's hilarious, you're actually
really good.
I'm a little scared to skateand dance, but pretty much what
it is is we go out skating likeon a date night, like you hold
my hands and I just hold on andpray.

Ben (49:51):
Well, I did break my tailbone one time.

Liz (49:52):
Yes, you did At a kid's birthday party.

Ben (49:55):
Yeah.

Liz (49:55):
Let's remember this.

Ben (49:56):
I'm starting to show my age here.

Liz (49:57):
Yeah, yeah, but date nights are important, that is, and
that's an important one, andbeing intimacy.

Ben (50:02):
prioritizing intimacy is really important and one of the
resources that we liked andagain, a lot of these resources
we try to eat the meat, spit outthe bones, right, we heard that
said a whole bunch.
But we got a lot out of theGreat Sex Rescue by Sheila
Gregory and we also got quite abit out of sheet music, and so I

(50:23):
think both of those are goodand you know again, take what
works for you.
Each relationship is going to bedifferent.
There's different things thatare applicable in different
times, different seasons of therelationship.
So it's just good to alwayskind of keep an open mind and to
try some different resourcesand see what sticks.
And so those are two that thatwork for us.
Um, let's move on to the tipnumber eight.

(50:45):
What do you think?

Liz (50:45):
I think that's a good one.

Ben (50:46):
All right, tip number eight .
You want to do this one.

Liz (50:49):
Sure.
Create family traditions thatmatter.
Create them.

Ben (50:54):
Like what kinds of traditions?

Liz (50:55):
Well, family devotions.
Um, I feel like that is reallygood because that's
strengthening spiritual bonds.

Ben (51:01):
Yes.

Liz (51:02):
We really prioritize that in our family.
It's not every day.
I want people to know that it'sebbs and flows with our
schedule but we make it apriority so many times at least
in the week.

Ben (51:11):
And we talk a little bit about that in episode nine.
So if you want a little bitmore information on that and
what does family devotions looklike?
And we have a really funnystory that you can listen to in
episode nine about that.

Liz (51:22):
There's always a funny story, always a funny story.

Ben (51:24):
But I think what it does is like these traditions, these
rituals that we form as a family.
They help bring security whenthere's times of chaos and
things are going not great,right.
We can always fall back on thatand again, it's like making sure
that we're prioritizing theright things by adding those to
our traditions, so it's not justtraditions for tradition's sake

(51:45):
, right, it's not just ritualfor ritual's sake.
It's like when we actuallythink of what's important and we
were prioritized, be that withthe Lord, our relationship with
the Lord, our relationship witheach other, like embodied time.
These are things that helpstrengthen those family bonds
and it helps us keep an anchorwhen things go rough.

Liz (52:02):
Right, exactly when there's rough waters and I'm thinking
if you're a newlywed or you'reon your way to getting married.
You know I had, I had he'slaughing because he knows what
I'm about to say I thought thatwhen I married Ben, we were
going to have Bible study everymorning, he was going to lead me
through the word of God andthat, you know, we would have
our Bibles open in a journal andyou know we were going to go

(52:25):
precept upon precept and somaybe there's a guy out there
that does that.

Ben (52:27):
I mean kudos to you.
That may be happening, I don'tknow.

Liz (52:28):
But you know that obviously did not happen in our marriage.
It was, like you know, we gotpregnant three months in and
then I was really tired and likeyou know, it was like, it was
like a fight for survival.
Yeah, and then you know, then ababy came and then we had more
babies, more babies.
And so a lot of that got put onthe shelf.
But I was, I remember likecoming to you and being like I'm
, I was upset with you and Ifelt dissed, I felt not heard, I

(52:52):
felt like maybe I married wrong, like stupid things like that.
And um, I came to you and I said, hey, I feel like you're not
leading us spiritually.
And you said wait a second.
Now remember Ben is a teacher.
So wait a second, what do youmean by that?
I'm like well, I feel likeyou're not leading me
spiritually because you're notleading me in Bible study.

(53:14):
And you said, oh, let's talkabout what it means for me to
lead you spiritually.
And you laid it out.
You basically talked about howChrist loves the church, you,
you're providing, you're loving,you're keeping the marriage bed
clean, you know all these kindsof things.
And I thought, oh, you're right.
And then, in your sweetestlittle way, you looked at me and
you said, no offense, but whenam I having time with God alone?
I kind of don't want you there.

Ben (53:35):
And I was like don't be offended, don't be offended,
don't be offended.
But like I mean, do youremember saying that?
I think so.
Yeah, okay, that's pretty earlyon, yeah.

Liz (53:46):
Yeah, but you know, the the thing is is I was like, oh, I
guess that does make sense.
And then it made me not beangry with you, Like when.
I saw you having quiet time andnot inviting me in it and just
realizing like you have your ownpersonal walk with God and you
have things that are pulling atyou all day long too.
Your job is very demanding andyour business is demanding, and
so being able to have that timewith him is super important,

(54:09):
just as it is important for meand we do come together, we
share what we're getting fromthe Lord.
I mean, still we're notstudying out the Bible together
we're on different, we're ondifferent tracks.

Ben (54:21):
We're doing it separately, but we're yeah, we're not doing
it joint together everything andthat's yeah.
I think that's where you'regoing right right, that's what
I'm saying.

Liz (54:28):
Yeah, now we'll do family devotions where we all kind of
come together, but you know it'smore of that and we like.

Ben (54:34):
What's the word I'm looking for?

Liz (54:36):
not depress, uh, debrief we debrief at, sometimes at the
end of the day, and we sharewhat we're learned or what we're
going through, like the Lord isspeaking, yeah, yeah.

Ben (54:45):
So definitely we have times of connection when we're
bringing it back together.

Liz (54:47):
Absolutely, and it's really cool when, like the Lord is
speaking the exact same thing toyou that he's speaking to me
whether it was in our devotionsor conversations and things like
that and our family devotiontime is part of tradition.
We're both getting things outof it, but we're also training
our kids you know, and that'simportant.
So, anyway, all that to say, Ido love you and do respect your

(55:08):
time with the Lord, and eventhough you're not, you know,
diligently giving me those testson Song of Solomon, well, yeah,
maybe in the next 10 years.
I'll know you're crazy.
There's always room forimprovement.
You're crazy.

Ben (55:23):
So those were our eight tips, but we've got one final
bonus tip.

Liz (55:27):
Bonus round.
Here we go.
Bonus round Number nine.

Ben (55:30):
This is the bonus tip.
This one, I think, isspecifically applicable in our
day and age maybe even in thelast 10 to 15 years.
It's limit digital distractions.

Liz (55:41):
Yes.

Ben (55:41):
We just did a massive deep dive.
The last episode Family DigitalDetox Longest episode.

Liz (55:47):
You guys check that out, yeah.

Ben (55:48):
Longest episode by far, but super dense.
There's a lot of goodinformation in that.
Basically, what it comes downto is we are made for embodied
experiences, right?
And if we are spending themajority of our time on digital
devices, then we're actuallyshort-circuiting our brains a
way to connect with other people, right?

(56:09):
So we want to experience thisconcept called mutual mind,
which is basically when twofaces come together and there is
a even unconscioussynchronization of brains that
are looking face to face andexperiencing some of the same
character and emotion together.
Absolutely and that happensthrough conversation.

(56:30):
That happens throughsynchronous conversation being
synced with one another.

Liz (56:35):
No distractions.

Ben (56:36):
Yeah, no distractions, you're giving your full
attention.
So we said all that to say thatwhen we are distracted with our
digital distractions and ourbinge watching of things or
giving ourselves to video gamesor even social media I know
social media is a big one forwomen Gaming is typically a
thing more for men.

(56:56):
That always have to be that way.
I mean, it can go either way,but there's just so much
distraction in our culture today.
We just feel like it'smassively imperative to say hey,
we've got to prioritize theface to face.

Liz (57:08):
Right.

Ben (57:09):
And we've seen so much fruit from this, when we do that
.
When we are prioritizing ourtime with one another, our
attention with one another wereap so much good things that
come from that.

Liz (57:23):
And we have a digital detox PDF guide that you can download
if you want.

Ben (57:24):
It's totally free.
It's on our website, it's onour website it's um.

Liz (57:28):
we can maybe even put it in the notes for this one.
Um, but you guys, it is reallyreally good and it's so helpful,
um, and you can do this evensingle.

Ben (57:37):
you don't have to do it you know, in a family you do it
married, you can do it with yourfamily.

Liz (57:41):
But highly recommend it Because early on, when we were
married, what was happening?
Ben Brand.

Ben (57:48):
Well, this is a.
I feel like I'm telling all thestories of what not to do.

Liz (57:51):
I sleep too much, but that's what people want to hear.
No, it's okay that you sleep.

Ben (57:58):
I'm not with was gaming.
Right and so I came into themarriage and, like you and I
spent two years Apart Apart andthat was our relationship Right.
So when we got together married, this was like some of the
first times that we werespending ample amounts of time
together Well, in the same city,like weeks and weeks and weeks
together.

Liz (58:17):
We had never really done that, yeah.

Ben (58:23):
We hadn't done that before, so getting married it was kind
of not a rude awakening but justyou know we were seeing things
of one another that we hadn'tbecause we were long distance
relationship.
So one of the things you sawabout me was that I actually
played too much video games,uh-huh.
And this was back when, likethe internet, gaming was
becoming a thing and high-speedinternet was becoming more and
more available.

Liz (58:44):
No more dial-up.

Ben (58:45):
And I remember in our apartment we got high-speed
internet and I was like oh mygosh, this is amazing.

Liz (58:48):
Oh, I remember this.
So back in gosh, this was early2000s and we're married and
then newly pregnant, and thenI'm neglecting you because I'm
staying up late playing videogames and you would stay up
really late, like till two orthree in the morning, and then
you would have to get up and goto work.

Ben (59:09):
Right, and so I was just dog tired.
Yeah, you were dog tired.

Liz (59:12):
You weren't prioritizing sleep then.

Ben (59:14):
No.

Liz (59:14):
It's only later, but I didn't realize how much you were
playing video games because Iwas newly pregnant and I would
just I would sleep.
I'd come home from work and laydown on the couch and be out
and wake up like five, six hoursand I'm like, oh my gosh, you
know, because it was a new baby,I mean it was just conceived,
and so what happened?

Ben (59:33):
So I felt the conviction of the Lord and I just quit cold
Turkey playing video games.

Liz (59:38):
Yes, you did.

Ben (59:39):
And so that was hard but it was necessary and I knew that.
For me and just the way thatI'm wired, I like to get in and
master something.
I like to stay on the detailsof something.
And so video games was justlike that.
There was just a natural kindof addiction or addictive
quality to it, because I wantedto master it and I wanted to be

(01:00:00):
number one, and I would justfind myself spending way too
much time and then neglectingyou and even my own sleep, which
is very precious, in case youhaven't noticed.
So, it was definitely like aheads up moment.

Liz (01:00:12):
And.

Ben (01:00:12):
I really felt the Lord say you've got to give this up this
is important if you want to staymarried Again.
I'm not saying everybody has togive up video games.
Hear me out.
I'm not saying that For mepersonally, though.
I knew that I had to stopplaying online games because
they were too addictive.

Liz (01:00:28):
They were, and because you made that, our marriage did have
a turn, like there was a turn.

Ben (01:00:36):
Even early on, even early on.

Liz (01:00:37):
Absolutely, absolutely.

Ben (01:00:39):
Yeah.
So bonus tip number nine rightLimit digital distractions.
Find out what your maybeaddictions are when it comes to
digital things, because reallyit's super highly addictive.
There's brain science beingemployed, so that way you stay
engaged with screens, withdevices, with social media, with
games.

(01:00:59):
It's crazy.
Once you lift that curtain andyou see the mechanism behind
everything, then you're like ohman, I really should lay down
some rules.

Liz (01:01:11):
Yeah, you'll be red pilled.
And maybe you're like I don'twant to be red pilled, but you
do want to be red pilled.

Ben (01:01:16):
Yeah, you do, because you don't want to waste your time,
and this goes back to alsomaking sure that you are having
the right priority of your time,making sure that you're
prioritizing your spouse andalso connecting with your spouse
face to face.
So if those kind of screen timeaddictions are interfering with
that, then obviously you got tomake a change.

Liz (01:01:38):
Exactly so let's throw in some funny stories.
I was just thinking about rightafter we got married, um, we had
our first night at an Airbnb uh, a BNB, they didn't have Airbnb
segment but, um, we were on ourway to our destination on a
cruise ship and we talked aboutthis in one of the episodes I
can't remember which one it was,and you know, uh, you were not

(01:02:00):
the planner fully and I didn'tknow I was going to have to wear
the planning hat and all thatstuff.
And so, you know, we kind ofhad our first like fight as a
married couple on the way to ourcruise ship, which was our
honeymoon, because I was likeyou don't know what time the
cruise ship is leaving.
You're like, no, I'm like what.
I'm like do don't know whattime the cruise ship is leaving.

(01:02:21):
You're like, no, I'm like what.
I'm like do you have a number?
And so I remember calling the1-800 number, because we had
cell phones then and asking whatis the latest time that we can
get on the ship?
And we had like five hours todrive and it was like four hours
and they shut down the securityand you couldn't get on the
ship.
So that meant that we had tomake up an hour and where we

(01:02:43):
live in the South, there hadalready been a ton of hurricanes
that had come through andruined the highways.

Ben (01:02:49):
Right, and so A bridge was completely down.
A bridge was gone in one spot.

Liz (01:02:53):
It was like all this kind of stuff, and so what happened,
benjamin?

Ben (01:02:56):
So I made you drive as fast as possible.

Liz (01:03:00):
And why was I the one driving?

Ben (01:03:02):
Because I had too many speeding tickets.

Liz (01:03:06):
So, as we're talking newly married and I'm like, wait, we
have to think about the timechange.
And then I'm like, oh my gosh,we have got to get there.
Like we have to make up timeand so stress.

Ben (01:03:18):
Don't tell them how fast you were going, because we don't
want to be incriminating, butyou were going very fast.

Liz (01:03:23):
And there was a line of cars behind me following me as I
am zipping in and out oftraffic to get there, and we
were like one of the last oneson the ship.
It was really a miracle that weeven made the ship.
But I remember being sostressed and so angry at you and
like how did you not read thefine detail?

(01:03:44):
Well, it's okay, I had toforgive him right then.
I was learning the crazy cycleimmediately.
We hadn't opened up the duffelbag from your dad yet that's
right.

Ben (01:03:53):
Yeah, we hadn't gotten in there yet.
But, I'm thinking of anotherstory too, when-oh, when we were
newly married.

Liz (01:04:00):
Okay.

Ben (01:04:01):
Probably the first, I don't know six, seven months or so,
and you have this incredibleability, uh-oh, to be able to
sense when there are cops.

Liz (01:04:12):
Oh yes, why don't you tell them what your nickname is for
me?

Ben (01:04:16):
I say that you have the copdar.

Liz (01:04:18):
He calls me his copdar.

Ben (01:04:19):
Yeah, you've got a cop dar.

Liz (01:04:21):
So what is that so?

Ben (01:04:22):
basically you're, you have a radar for cops.
I really do and it honestlyit's kind of weird, it is yeah,
yeah, yeah, like literally, youwere asleep one time and I was
driving, we were driving in thefamily and you were asleep as
late at night and you woke upout of a dead sleep and like
slow Down, slow down, slow down,I down.
And I was like what, what, what?
Like I know there's a cop, Ijust know it.

Liz (01:04:41):
Sure enough, yeah, yeah, there's a cop.
And sure enough, and sometimesI'll even be like, hey, listen,
there's a cop, there's a cop.
Slow down over this ridge, I'mtelling you right now.
And we've gotten over rid notgoing to it's helping our budget
.

Ben (01:04:52):
I'm not going to question it.
It's helping our budget, butone time it didn't help our
budget because we were mad atone another.
You were mad at me.

Liz (01:05:07):
We were Okay.
We were trying to go out on adate because my love tank was
empty and I communicated to youI need romance, I need you to
take me out to dinner and I needa movie or something just like
what you would have done beforewe were married.
And you're like, okay, you know, so we go and do it.
But there was something thathappened and we were.
It wasn't I don't know.
It was my expectations, I'msure we're not being met, which

(01:05:30):
that can ruin a marriage too.
We've learned that, and so,anyway, I somehow, we had words,
and this is after the movie,and we're driving home, and this
is probably the first time thatthis cop dar thing was really
starting to work for me, I guess.
So we're driving and you'reyou're speeding to go home cause
you're mad, and I was like, oh,I know there's a cop up there.

(01:05:51):
I don't know how I knew therewas a cop, I just knew there was
a cop and I was like you knowwhat?
I'm not going, he deserves aticket.

Ben (01:05:57):
And so yeah, and then you realize, wait, we share the same
bank account, wait.

Liz (01:06:01):
I didn't realize that until so.
You get pulled over, you get aticket and I say to you
afterwards I'm like I knew therewas a cop and you go.
Why didn't you tell me in themost sincere way, like you're
like, why didn't you tell me andI was like Did?
your cop car broken, and sothat's like when we're first
discovering it anyway.
And I said well, you know youwere, I was mad, and so, anyway,

(01:06:29):
we like end up having a wholeconversation about like we're a
team and you know, expecting thebest out of you and not
thinking like you're the enemyand I'm the enemy, and that
we're on each other's team,we're in each other's corner and
believing the best in you.
You believing the best in me.
And so in the process of thatit was like, oh shoot, I really
should have told him.
And then the ticket came in themail and we were on a
shoestring budget and I was like, oh, I am never not going to

(01:06:51):
tell him, right?

Ben (01:06:52):
And so I always no matter how mad you are.

Liz (01:06:53):
No matter how angry I am because it's got to come out of
our budget, right.
And so you know, I do have thatlittle crazy spidey sense of
like there's a cop, slow down,you know, and uh, you know it's
kind of funny it could even belike an accident.
You know, we come up onaccident and there's a cop there
, but I knew it.

Ben (01:07:09):
I don't know how.

Liz (01:07:09):
I just knew, and so.

Ben (01:07:11):
I don't question it anymore .

Liz (01:07:12):
Yeah, it's funny, because before you thought it was crazy.

Ben (01:07:15):
Yeah yeah, we don't talk about that.
I've already unearthed enoughstuff about me.

Liz (01:07:20):
No, just kidding.
Love and marriage, oh yeah, ohyeah.

Ben (01:07:23):
Yeah, it's good.
Okay, we talked about a lot.
I think there's a lot of goodstuff here but, the takeaway?
I think the biggest takeawayfrom all of this is prioritizing
your spouse's needs over yourown.
I mean, if I had to sum it upinto one word, just being
unselfish, right yeah, learninghow to serve your spouse, that
whole servitarian thing, thefirst tip we talked about, it's

(01:07:45):
all kind of related right.
Selfishness just killsmarriages.
I found out the hard way.
I mean, I've done it wrong somany times.

Liz (01:07:51):
So have I.

Ben (01:07:52):
And we just have to follow the Lord's example.
He came, you know, not to beserved but to serve.
And if we expect anything morethan that, even in our marriages
, like that's a, that's amarriage killer.
So we just have to learn toprioritize the other person,
serve the other person, find outtheir needs.
Like, don't be selfish.
Selfishness is a marriagekiller.

Liz (01:08:15):
It is.
It's a weed.

Ben (01:08:16):
Yeah.

Liz (01:08:16):
It's a weed and we want to.
We want to recognize thosethings and you know um them out
and we want to make sure we'rekeeping short accounts as well,
you know that's part of beingselfless.

Ben (01:08:27):
Yeah, Even when we are selfish, forgive you know.
Making sure that you say you'resorry, making sure you forgive
your spouse.
So important.
Just reading from Ephesians 5,20-21, giving thanks always for
everything to God, the Father,in the name of our Lord Jesus
Christ.
Submitting to one another inthe fear of Christ.
I think, that's super importantbeing able to submit one to

(01:08:50):
another, being able to beunselfish.
I feel like man.
If we can learn to do that well, we will be so much better in
our marriages.
Absolutely Fruitful, that'sright.
Being fruitful our marriages.

Liz (01:08:59):
Absolutely Fruitful.
That's right, being fruitful,fruitful and multiply Fruitful.
Well, yes, and multiply God'soriginal discipleship and
evangelism program.
Oh Lord.

Ben (01:09:10):
Well, make those disciples.

Liz (01:09:11):
Yes, yes.

Ben (01:09:12):
The fun way.

Liz (01:09:13):
The fun way.
Lord, we better get off of thisepisode.

Ben (01:09:16):
Okay.

Liz (01:09:16):
So thanks for being a part of our one blessed mess today.
Gosh, I hope you enjoyed this.
I hope you laughed with us andenjoyed it.
Don't forget to subscribe andshare with a friend who may need
the encouragement, or newlyengaged couple, or newly married
, or maybe 80 years 80 years.
If somebody has been marriedfor 80 years.
I would like to have coffeewith them.
I would like to hear what theirwisdom is you?

(01:09:38):
know and just hear what wouldthey have to say.
You know, and also too, I knowthat we didn't say this, but say
I love you often.
You know it's important to hearthat I've heard a lot of older
couples say say I love you everyday.
But anyway, we just want to saythank you, thank you, thank you
for being here today, thank youfor being a part of it.
We love getting feedback.
If there's something that youwould like to hear what our

(01:09:59):
thoughts are on, just DM us,because, you know, email us
whatever we would love to.
We'd love to tackle some ofthat and we want to just say
until next time, embrace yourbeautiful mess, because if our
mess can be blessed, then what?
Ben?

Ben (01:10:12):
So can yours.

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Ep. 16 - 8 Tips For Newlyweds: Crowdsourced Marriage Wisdom

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Ep. 16 - 8 Tips For Newlyweds: Crowdsourced Marriage Wisdom