July 15, 2025 • 53 mins
In this powerful episode, Billy Brown shares his raw journey through addiction, trauma, and redemption. From a broken home and early substance abuse to multiple suicide attempts, Billy offers a vulnerable glimpse into the mental, emotional, and spiritual toll of homelessness. His story challenges the idea that employment or housing alone can heal deep wounds—and shows how real transformation begins when someone is truly seen.
Now a staff member at TRM and pursuing his high school diploma, Billy uses his past to serve those still in crisis. Alongside Mick Ballinger, Director of Men's Services, they explore the power of relationship, purpose, and being acknowledged. If you’ve ever felt beyond repair, Billy’s story reminds us that healing is possible—and that pain, when met with compassion, can become a path to purpose.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you, lord, for this
day and your blessings.
God, and just this time, forthis podcast.
Lord, we thank you for ourwonderful guests today and the
stories that they bring andshare.
Lord, I pray that our listenerswould be blessed and encouraged
today by them and, lord, thatyour spirit would just be with
us right now.
Lord, we love you and we praiseyour name.
Amen.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everyone.
This is LaManda Cunningham, theTopeka Rescue Mission CEO on
this Tuesday, july 15th, whereyou are listening to Episode 275
of Our Community, our Missionman.
I always feel like that is sucha big intro.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
It is a big intro, and then I'm looking at my paper
.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Did I miss anything?
Did I get it all you nailed?
Speaker 3 (00:43):
it.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
That's right.
Thank you, josh, for theencouragement.
I am joined today with twospecial guests to my right, a
special guest in front of me anda special guest to the left.
At first I realized I was goingto act like they're special,
and then you two are and we'renot special.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Yeah, we were feeling it.
Did you like that?
We're good.
We were feeling it.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
So I have Josh across from me.
Josh is the guru who isdefinitely making all of the
technology work for thesepodcasts and has been doing that
for five or six years whiledoing this, but he also is just
the creative heart beside behind, always trying to communicate
what we feel like God wantspeople to know, and so Josh
(01:23):
appreciate all that you do.
Also joined with Miriam.
Hello, how are you Fine?
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Yeah, sure, anything excited going on, no, nothing
Not at all.
Nothing going on.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
It's really boring here.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I sit in my office wondering is there anything to?
Speaker 2 (01:39):
do, that's right.
You just work eight to four andbarely an hour for lunch.
Yes, that's right.
In case you are a first timelistener, there is usually a lot
of opportunities, which AKAmeans challenges that we're
facing at the rescue mission,but also a lot of just God's
goodness and provision happeningin our community, and that's
(02:02):
really the heart of this podcastis to constantly be
highlighting what multiplepeople are doing in our
community and the good thingsabout those roles, the
challenging things about theroles just to really be
transparent and represent howmany people in this community
(02:24):
are trying to do work on behalfof those who need it.
And so today is going to be agreat podcast.
I'm excited about it.
But before we get to thosetestimonies, you know, miriam,
josh works really hard.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Oh, I know he does.
I think he works really hard tomake sure that we're not going
to be too serious.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
He makes us.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Gotta bring some humor.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Correct.
Yes, we got to have someliveliness in this.
So today there's threedifferent things that we need to
highlight.
One is National Give SomethingAway Day.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
I could you know what ?
There are things in my officeright now that I would be more
than happy to give away.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Oh you know, miriam, on a funny note, I actually
thought about your desk for tworeasons.
For two reasons, I'm givingcompliments, okay.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Just stay with me.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Yes, I'm hanging with you.
The first one is if you areever in Miriam's office, she
always has something to giveaway Chocolate, beef sticks,
protein shakes, a random new teashe wants you to try because
your throat's hurting, whateverthe case may be.
So she always has something togive away.
And then two for some reasonshe always has work that's on
(03:36):
her desk that she tries to giveaway and everybody, just like
they laugh quickly, shakes theirhead like we're not doing that.
Yeah, but on a serious note,today is National Give Something
Away Day.
One man's trash is anotherman's treasure, and so, looking
at that, today, you know, try togive freely, without any
expectation in return.
(03:56):
But that this is also a goodway to declutter, yes.
I also liked how it said onhere that that doesn't like one
man.
Trash another man's treasuredoesn't literally mean junk or
trash, but items that can servesomeone else better.
Yes, and.
I think you know that is hugefor all of us Right To really
make sure Are we donating things?
Are we realizing that justbecause we upgrade, someone
(04:22):
else's upgrade depends on whatwe're donating and what we're
giving?
It also made me think of and wecould do a whole podcast on
this, so we won't.
But it makes me think of ourunsheltered neighbors.
And do we have some of them thatstruggle with a lot of trash
and litter, of course, becausethere's not trash that runs for
(04:45):
them.
They also can't burn trash in aburn barrel because then it's
called in and that's not allowed, and so there are.
But then there are also timeswhere we view something as their
trash and we don't realizethey're collecting plastic,
they're collecting aluminum cansto turn in for money, they are
trying to collect bike parts,because they truly work on bikes
(05:07):
and that is their vocation forright now.
There's just a lot of thingswhere the way we view things and
we're very quick to deem it astrash is really sometimes a
livelihood for someone, or alsohow that person is functioning,
because there really are notoptions.
Like you and I have Right andpeople can be incredibly
(05:30):
creative.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
Oh yeah, Very.
With the things that they haveto build, things that they need
like shelter and that kind ofthing.
I'm always kind of startled byhow creative people can be and
what people can build out ofwhat I would consider nothing.
So it's yes, you're absolutelyright.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
One of the things that sticks out to me about that
is when I first started this in21, it was one of the very
first times I went out to visitsome of the encampments, and so
when we arrive, you know we'realways saying who we are, can we
come in those kinds of things?
And I noticed this pile of fivegallon buckets.
(06:10):
And when I say a pile, it was apile, probably 10, 15.
And two gentlemen come out andwere kind of leery because they
hadn't met me, and so the streetreach person that I was with
introduces who I am.
She's coming around to meetpeople and they went over to
that five-gallon bucket pile,took out two five-gallon buckets
(06:31):
for me and the other person tosit on.
That's their seats.
And so the next thing I know allfour of us are sitting on these
five-gallon buckets and Imentioned something about it and
one of the gentlemen said well,I wouldn't expect you to sit on
the ground and I thought, likethey're using, like they're
doing that as a way to respectme, to be courteous, yes, and so
(06:55):
there's complaints of peoplethat are driving over the Kansas
bridge because they see a wholestack of five gallon buckets.
But I'm like that's their way,that also when they're meeting
and stuff, and they're talkingand eating and stuff, like
they're sitting on these buckets.
So, anyways, definitelysomething to think of in the
area of homelessness.
But also declutter, clutter isnot good for any of us, I know.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
It's already past spring cleaning.
Is it summer cleaning?
Speaker 3 (07:19):
I know I need to do one every season, I do too.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
The next one.
I've never had what?
What?
It's not my go-to.
Chinese it is, but not orangechicken.
So today's orange chicken dayWell, apparently we know what
we're going to have lunch.
I love sweet and sour chicken,I love the shrimps, all of that
options, but I've never hadorange chicken.
It's not my go-to.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
Well, if you've never had it, how would you know?
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Well, okay, so I look at it and it looks really
sticky, and it looks sticky andthen they kind of stick together
, and so then I'm like, did theyreally get cooked right?
And so then I'm in my head andit's really sensory, by looks
and what I feel, like it's goingto taste like, so I don't do it
, josh.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
We have a goal now, so it's a blind taste test.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
It's a blind taste test.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
We'll blindfold her and give her some orange chicken
, exactly.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
But we want to give it its due right Because it is
Orange Chicken Day and so a lotof people like that, and I don't
want to discriminate.
If you love the orange chicken,please know this is your day.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
There you go, go get some orange chicken.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
That's right, I just haven't yet.
Next National, I Love HorsesDay, I do, why, why?
Speaker 3 (08:31):
do you love horses?
I grew up with horses.
Yeah, I love horses.
They're powerful and they canrun really fast.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
They're cool animals.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
They're very cool animals.
They're very cool, they'repowerful and they're beautiful.
Yeah, they're really beautiful.
I've had every size horse as Iwas growing up, right, because
you grow up on a farm and whenyou're little you want to do
what dad and your brothers aredoing, but your horse can't be
quite as big, right?
So I've had every size of horse.
Oh, I love it.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
I know I do too.
I enjoy even just watchinghorses.
I feel like I don't know,especially if I'm in prayer or
going through something.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
It's almost like God can always use whether it's a
tamed horse, a wild horse, allof that to just teach us stuff,
don't you remember I know thatis like one of my favorite
things we had this opportunityat a conference to see somebody
train a horse, or a break Breakisn't the right word, I'm just
(09:29):
going to use train, because thehorse was not broken, but it was
brought into compliance and itwas amazing.
And the gentleman that wasdoing this was talking about how
we are just like those unbrokecults, you know, and that God
has to just continuously comeafter us to help us understand
(09:50):
what our purpose is and how toreally be in alignment so that
we can do what he needs us to do.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
I just loved it and I love how he tied in that the
behavior of the cult changeswhen the trust is earned, yes,
and which we can look at.
You know, part of thesanctification process is not
just becoming more like the Lord, it's also learning truly who
his character is to trust himwho he is.
Yes, but then I think Miriam andI both walked away from that
(10:19):
experience going.
You know what?
What are we doing as leaders toalso earn the trust, whether
it's of our staff members, orhow do we then model that so
that people that are in directservice with those that we're
serving, how are theyrelentlessly pursuing people
that we serve to earn theirtrust too?
So it was beautiful.
It was beautiful.
That was the first thing Ithought of when I saw this.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Yeah so we're all fans of horses, we love horses,
so that's incredible there wasan honorary mention that I
didn't put on here but it didn'tquite make the list, but it's
also national, uh, gummy wormday national I love.
I know that's why I was like Ifeel like I need to throw that
in, because I was like I knowmiriam loves some love, some
gummy bears you put orangechicken and you didn't put gum,
(11:02):
because I like oh so it's justall about you, Josh.
Well, I mean I make the list, soI have the power, but I just
figured I'd throw that in there.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
I love that.
Well, we do these because it isimportant to not only just live
in only the area ofhomelessness right, and
everything that we do day in andday out.
That we do day in and day outBecause, even though this is
ministry and even though we getto see God transform lives and
we get to see why our own liveshave been transformed or in the
(11:33):
process of transforming becausehe's using us, that's all
beautiful, but it's also hardand it's challenging.
And so it is neat to one justbe able to laugh about silly
things and there's nothing wrongwith that but to also just
realize there's just otherthings happening outside of this
too and how God works all ofthat out.
So our guest today we've hadMick Ballinger on here before.
(11:55):
Mick is our director of men'sservices over at our main
shelter.
Mick, welcome back.
Speaker 4 (12:02):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
It obviously isn't too bad because you keep coming
back, right so god calls us afew different things mick falls
under the voluntold, that'sexactly right
so if you know mick um, I justlike to think of mick as um a
quiet soldier, um.
And so when I think of Mick,mick is poised, mick is
(12:25):
disciplined.
But Mick is also a form ofstrength that is dependable and
that is not easily rocked of anykind of group.
He does not like to be in frontof a microphone Um, he just
wants to show up every day andquietly but strongly serve and
(12:50):
lead Um.
But I keep putting him on thismicrophone because I love
hearing his heart Um and I alsolove how he is so transparent at
his own perception that had tochange um, how he realizes he is
a work in progress with theLord, and that's why I think so
many men are wild coats but thenare tamed and are structured
(13:14):
because of Mick's leadership andhis guys.
So welcome back Mick.
And we have someone, notnecessarily new to TRM but new
to the microphone, and that isMr Billy Brown.
Welcome, billy.
Speaker 6 (13:27):
Thank you, glad to be here.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Yes, we're excited to have Billy.
Billy wears many hats here atthe Rescue Mission, as does a
lot of men at the front desk.
I say this all the time thatour Hope Center front desk
workers and our men's shelterfront desk workers they have to
be mom and dad and counselor andpolice and the doctor and the
(13:51):
nurse and the bodyguards and thetherapist they wear a lot of
hats and they do that because wehave a lot of people hundreds
each day that walk through ourdoors and we have to find the
balance of compassion andempathy and seeing people the
(14:13):
way the Lord does and balancethat with safety and logistics
and structure and accountability.
And that is not an easy job butit is a job that is done well
by Billy.
So, Billy, we are so glad tohave you on here, Excited to
have you.
Billy, will you just talk to usa little bit, just kind of,
(14:34):
about your life, your upbringing, privileges, you had struggles,
you had anything like that,just so that the listeners kind
of get a feel of who we'retalking to.
Speaker 6 (14:46):
Well, I was born in 1976.
I was born in Kansas City.
Kansas Moved to a small farmcommunity, hoskalissa, in 1980.
And everything I grew up therewent to school in Jefferson
County.
Come from a broken home, youknow my mom, and dad divorced
(15:11):
when I was pretty young andeverything like that.
So it kind of started at thatage with some mental health
issues, dealing with abandonmentissues and stuff like that and
being in a small community likethat, it was kind of tough
trying to find a place to fit inand by the time I hit high
school I finally found a place Ifit in.
(15:31):
It was with the wrong crowd andeverything, and throughout
years it progressed.
I let all this stuff just buildup and build up and everything.
But my dad was in the lawenforcement so I knew both sides
of the law.
I knew the bad and I knew thegood.
I knew right from wrong andeverything like that.
(15:52):
As far as my religiousupbringing, I was raised in a
Catholic family.
I was baptized Catholic when Iwas younger and I just didn't
believe in it because I feltlike I was forced into it.
I felt like religion wassomething that I should be able
to experience on my own and ithad come from the old German
class where everything I did Imean no matter what I did I was
(16:16):
going to hell is what I was toldand everything.
So it was just that constantbattle in my head, you know
always.
And when I found out that, youknow, I found ways to numb that
pain block that image withalcohol and drugs and everything
I started using when I wasabout 16.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
And what were you using?
Speaker 6 (16:38):
I started out drinking just like in high
school with the people on theweekends and everything and
eventually I got introduced tomarijuana and it led to harder
drugs like cocaine andmethamphetamines and stuff like
that.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
And who were you living with at that time?
Speaker 6 (16:53):
I was staying with my dad and my grandparents at the
moment because my dad haddiabetes and he came down sick.
And I think one day back in1993, I got called to the
hospital after coming home fromschool.
My dad was in the hospitalbecause he had a diabetic
episode.
He was in a coma.
I walked into the hospital andI swear to that day that that
(17:16):
was the day that my life changed, Because I constantly—my dad
came home.
He came out of it.
I watched him die on a slowlybasis, knowing I couldn't do
anything about it.
So I'd already lost my mom,didn't know where she was and
I'm losing my dad, you know.
So I had to grow up real fast.
(17:36):
I had to be.
You know, I didn't get to bethe normal child that I was, you
know, get to have friends andstuff, so I had to.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
So were you like a junior in high school uh, I was.
Speaker 6 (17:47):
But yeah, I just started my junior year and
everything and, uh, things aregoing rough at home.
So I dropped out um high school, my uh senior year and
everything, and started takingjob at a local grocery store in
Perry Kansas, you know, justtrying to help that family out,
like every normal son would wantto do, and stuff like that.
(18:08):
But so much anger, so much hatetowards God because I lost my
mom, you know, she left my dad'sdying.
I started turning my back onthe Lord, you know.
I felt like he just he hated me, you know, to the point that I
was abandoning, you know, andstarted finding, started turning
(18:35):
to other things for solutions,answers and stuff like that, you
know, dabbled with darker youknow dark things you know,
Wouldn't believe in God at all.
Been an addict for about 30 someyears, you know well.
Actually, yeah, 35 years to behonest with you.
It's been a rough life.
(18:59):
I mean you know ups and downsand things that I mean the
morals that I went against andstuff like that against.
You know ups and downs andthings that I mean the morals
that I went against and stufflike that against.
You know lived on the streets.
You know I've done everythingfrom be the bottom I mean
dealing dope to being the junkieand everything.
(19:23):
And you know I've been in andout of treatments, been to
30-some treatments in my life,been in and out of the mental
health institutions andeverything.
And you know in and out ofincarceration, jails, prisons,
nothing seemed to work, can I?
Speaker 2 (19:46):
stop you right there.
I want to ask you something andI'm going to be a little
sarcastic because I hear thisall the time, but a lot of this
time that you were kind of inand out of the struggles, in and
out of the addiction, thosekinds of things, would that have
just been fixed with the job?
Speaker 6 (20:06):
No.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Because some of it you worked.
Right, you were working.
Did that take away?
So just being focused and goingto work, get a job, that helped
you feel less abandoned, thathelped you feel all of those
things right.
Speaker 6 (20:22):
Kind of I mean I was part of something, but still
there was that void inside thatI was missing.
I was trying to feel I mean Ijust couldn't find acceptance.
Sure, no matter what I tried, Icouldn't find the acceptance
that I seek.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
So employment is definitely something that will
help people along the way of thejourney, but struggles and deep
rooted hurt and isolation andstruggles I mean just getting a
job doesn't fix it.
Speaker 6 (20:54):
No, I think I believe it's.
You know, a job's a job, Acareer is a career.
You gotta have something thatyou enjoy.
Doing.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Yes.
Speaker 6 (21:02):
You know, and like I said, I was a job jumper, I mean
bouncing job to job.
I mean it was just put money inmy pocket to support my habits,
stuff like that.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
But you know um would would your all of these habits
have been fixed if you just hada house?
No because I hear that too.
Right, and respectfully, I saythis to the listeners because I
do understand if people are notkind of educated in this area.
I do see where the commonquestions.
(21:30):
The two things I get is onewell, if they just get a job,
then they wouldn't be a bum.
Or they wouldn't be this, Ihear that.
Or two well, if they would justget housed like they just need
to be in housing.
And the message I'm trying tosay is housing is good, yes.
Employment is good, yes.
But if we don't truly helppeople, heal is good, yes, but
(21:50):
if we don't truly help peopleheal whether that is in the mind
, in the heart sometimes it'sphysical ailments that have
caused this kind of the spiral,and sometimes it's a combination
If we don't truly help, thenwhat we're doing is we're
putting a bandaid on a brokenarm or we're telling somebody to
do chemo for a headache.
It doesn't make sense, and sothat's why I really want
(22:11):
listeners to hear that you'vebeen in the midst of this
addiction, you've been in themidst of kind of issues that
come from broken families, allof these things.
But yet those things need one,the Lord, and two need a village
and need other things.
It can't just be fixed withhousing and it can't just be
(22:32):
fixed with employment.
Speaker 6 (22:33):
No, you know, for me, I mean trauma is trauma and, um
, you know you have to face thattrauma and you have to find
somebody that can understand andrelate to that trauma with you.
You know, uh, the biggest partof working here, like at TRM,
you know, for me it's the peoplethat I see out on the street,
(22:54):
just going up to them and saying, hey, how's your day going?
Acknowledging them, you know.
You know how much that wouldhave made me.
You know, if somebody wouldacknowledge me more in life,
earlier in my addiction, Iprobably would have maybe looked
at things different.
Probably would have maybe lookedat things different.
But when everybody turns theirback on you, you know, because
they don't understand, you knowit's like they just look at it
(23:17):
as you're a loss.
You know You're not a loss, youknow.
I mean, I don't know.
I've been filled with so muchin my head because I've been
told throughout life that I wasno good.
I was no good, I wouldn'tamount to nothing and stuff like
that, and to hear that over andover and have it embedded in my
thoughts and stuff like that,it's just, you know.
(23:40):
But when somebody actuallycomes up and tells me that they
love me or that they listen, andstuff like, that it's hard for
me to trust anybody.
It's just is this an act or what.
There's a saying.
I'm so used to everything goingbad that sometimes, when
something goes good, it feelslike a setup.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Yeah, you're waiting for the next shoe to drop or
something, yeah, yeah.
So, billy, you have over threedecades of addiction, even more
decades than that of loss, likereally not this two-parent home
and things like that.
Talk to me about how that ledto the incident, that you now
(24:24):
believe in miracles.
Speaker 6 (24:26):
Well, I was.
It was July of well matter offact, first miracle was April 6,
2018.
I thought I was at rock bottom.
I had walked in.
I was in Lawrence, I walked,picked a busy intersection,
walked out in front of trafficand I broke my neck and I was
lifelighted to KU Med.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Were you hit by a vehicle?
Speaker 6 (24:47):
Yeah, I broke my neck .
Speaker 2 (24:48):
Ran over Yep.
Okay, and this was literallyjust seven years ago.
Speaker 6 (24:53):
Yep, okay, and you know I woke up.
I've told NICU that I wasrevived twice.
I woke up there in KU Med andyou know I thought at that point
that was a change in my life.
It was.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
How long did you stay in KU Med?
Speaker 6 (25:09):
I was in there for about four and a half months.
I had to go throughrehabilitation and everything.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
But that sorry to interrupt you one more time and
that, in your mind, was asuicide attempt, right Like you.
Yeah, you couldn't do itanymore and you were done with
life, believing all of this,that you didn't have value,
those kinds of things, right.
And so you were like this ishow I'm going to end this, and
(25:40):
then what?
Speaker 6 (25:41):
It didn't.
You know, it didn't workbecause I woke up in ICU with a
couple of people that I went tochurch with up in Kansas City,
in the ICU room looking over meand I was like, well, maybe,
maybe there is something goingon here.
Maybe, God does have a plan forme.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
So do you remember what you thought when you
started coming to and waking up?
Like what did you?
Do you remember that you triedto kill yourself?
Speaker 6 (26:08):
I remember seeing the truck coming, remember that you
tried to kill yourself.
I remember seeing the truckcoming, okay, but from 11 PM to
3 PM, I don't remember nothing.
I just remember being at peace,feeling no pain, nothing at all
.
Okay, and that's and then 3.
Pm from on.
That's when the pain startedagain and all the misery and
everything started coming backand stuff and uh, but I had
(26:29):
people coming from church tovisit me and stuff like that and
what'd you think about that?
It was.
It showed me that people cared.
And like I said, I startedtaking recovery again seriously
and uh, you know, I was likeokay, well, billy, you can do
this, and my wife was up thereand with me in the hospital and
stuff like that.
(26:49):
And we, you know, after the fourmonths of rehabilitation, got
out and everything, and I hadbeen on pain medication for
about seven years, just the sameas doing all this, but at the
same time I was going to church,I started getting things to
come back in life, starting tofeel good about myself, and then
(27:15):
some events took place in mylife.
I lost some people and startedthinking God's turning his back
on me again and Billy forgot.
You know, I was finding a wayto go back to my addiction,
(27:35):
because my addiction was callingme, because I felt that the
pain medication was a big partof it.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Talk to me about the pain medication.
Speaker 6 (27:44):
I was on hydrocodones and oxycodones for about seven
years because of the nervedamage and the pain with the
broken neck and everything.
Um, the doctors pulled me offof a cold turkey, so I started
going out seeking other thingsand stuff like that.
But back to your question,where I thought the biggest
miracle was would have been julyof 2023, when, um, I'd got
(28:10):
arrested febru February 3rd of2023 for possession or
distribution of methamphetamines.
Things started going downhillfrom there and I found myself on
some railroad tracks in NorthLawrence, completely hopeless,
ready to commit suicide.
I was on Facebook.
I posted it live on Facebook.
(28:30):
They came and I was just cryingmy eyes out, praying to God
please help me, please help me.
Well, my message got delivered,it got publicly delivered and it
got shot out more than Ithought.
And the next thing, you know,they shut the train tracks down.
Police show up.
They took me to a mental healthinstitution.
Billy, we're not taking you tojail.
(28:51):
Actually, I've been battlingthis case for two years.
It's finally coming to terms,but that's where this journey
started.
You know, um, back up a littlebit.
I always knew god was there,because every now and then I'd
get this little presence sayinglike you know, I'm here, but I'm
just waiting for you to cry out, and that's you know, you know,
he says he let me play around,he let me dabble you know.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
But why do you think he does that?
Speaker 6 (29:16):
because he's a mean god no, I think he wanted me to
learn, you know.
I mean, I had to learn, youknow, but but I knew he was
always there and he was there.
And then this last time, youknow he, he answered, he sent
the police.
They come and got me.
They took me to, uh, burton ashand lawrence burton ash took me
(29:38):
from burton ash to stormontwest.
Um, I got into treatment.
Um, it was tough.
The withdrawals really was.
I mean, I was hurting so bad.
I just wanted to, um, and andand I was like no, I can't.
And anyways, I got, I got outof treatment.
(29:59):
I came here for a while.
I started.
I was working at Arby's.
Nick was my first uh casemanager and, um, I'd been here
for maybe two weeks and I comein and told him I said, well, I
got accepted into an Oxfordhouse.
You know I'm moving out.
So I went to Oxford.
I was there for almost sixmonths and I lost my job.
I got another job, but theywouldn't wait the two weeks for
(30:20):
me to get my rent up andeverything.
So I got voted out and I cameback.
Well, I came back here to TRMand I didn't really want to
because I looked at it as thepit is what I called it and
everything and it was like Icame in, had a few jobs?
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Why does it feel when you're walking?
Because I've not walked thoseshoes, billy, I've never had to
come to our doors and say I needto be a guest.
I try to immerse myself as theCEO as much as possible, to to
have empathy and to understand,um, but I've never done it.
(30:58):
So talk to me about what doesit feel like to be that and to
feel like you're in the pit.
Speaker 6 (31:07):
It hurts when you have to admit defeat and you
have to come in and ask for help, especially when you've been
here before and you know, andyou you've burned some bridges
and stuff like that, and you'recoming back asking for help.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
You know I mean because we hold people
accountable.
Right, there's rules.
In case you haven't heard, youmight be the one and only person
that's never heard about TRM'srules, because it's normally the
other.
Y'all have so many rules.
That's why people don't come,but we do right.
We have stuff and not everybodyis ready for healing yet.
Speaker 6 (31:41):
No.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
And sometimes people end up back with us because it's
not just like everybody can oneday magically heal everything
that's ever happened and theycan just spin it Right.
Speaker 6 (31:55):
Because I've heard so many stories.
You know, people come in andthey say well, I think I'm at my
bottom, I'm ready for this andI'm sorry.
I'll look at him.
I say, well, the hand's alwayshere, you know, I mean we're
right.
We're willing to help you.
But sometimes you got to beblunt with them and say, hey, I
don't think you're ready, I canstill see a little game left in
(32:17):
you.
You know, for me it was beingcompletely spiritually broken
inside.
You know God, I was broken tothe point that there was nothing
left.
And you see it when people comein the doors.
You see, each time they come inyou look in their eyes and you
see more pain, more misery andyou know.
And you just keep planting thatseed and pray that.
(32:38):
You know, eventually it takesone day and stuff like that.
Speaker 2 (32:41):
Billy, how do you that?
That's not easy.
Speaker 6 (32:44):
No.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
I have seen the look of desperation, yet still met
with deceitfulness that peoplecarry in and your heart breaks
for both right.
Both right because you see, yousee the the choices being made
right that are, that aredeceitful and that aren't okay,
that require the accountabilityand sometimes require us saying
you can not be a guest.
But then you also see, like thedesperation in their eyes I
(33:26):
mean, sometimes the eyes areeven physically darker, like
it's.
It's different, and so youunderstand the kind of the
captivity that they're in andand all of that.
How well, I'm just gonna say itlike how do you do this job?
Not the why, because we'realready hearing some of that,
but how, how, how do you findthat balance of telling people
(33:49):
we're not going to do thatnonsense?
How do you also have toughconversations where it's tough
love?
How do you know when they areready?
And and we've got to wrap thatin compassion how in the world
do you do your job?
Speaker 6 (34:04):
Well, for me I think I told you guys this before For
me it's like sometimes I feellike I'm trapped in a war zone.
It's like I'm in recovery and Igot my recovery over here, but
at the same time I'm in themiddle of this, and the reason I
say this is because there's asaying God pulls us out to put
us back in.
And that's to pull people outthat are still, you know, to
help them recover.
But the thing is for me is Isee a lot of people in the
(34:28):
community and the people thatcome into the mission that I
used to run with, just as muchas I see people at meetings and
stuff like that that are inrecovery, you know, and, like I
said, being in that war zone itgives me that opportunity to
show these people that there isa better way of life, there is a
chance.
But back to your question ishow do I handle the, the this?
(34:49):
You know the that?
Sometimes it hurts to sit thereand know that these people
aren't serious and they want tobe, you know, manipulate, play a
game and stuff like that yeah.
But at the same time, does thatmean that?
You know, the biggest thing forme was asking God to allow me
to see them as he sees them?
Yes, you know because I can't bejudgmental.
(35:10):
You know Because the biggestthing for me, I had to learn
humility.
I mean I was always humble inmy addiction and stuff like that
, but I didn't know anythingabout humility.
I knew a lot about humiliationbut being here at TRM and
working with TRM I have learnedhumility quite a bit, because I
see on a daily basis what I usedto be like and I know that I
(35:34):
don't want to return to that andI want to try to help these
people by showing them that youknow there is a better way of
life and that there is hope.
You know God is he, you know,just like a father.
You know, I mean we got to bepunished.
(35:56):
You know we have to have somesort of accountability, you know
.
But he's not going to give up onus.
You know it's hard to believe.
I will admit that.
It's hard to accept.
It's hard to believe, I willadmit that it's hard to accept,
but once you do accept it andonce you do realize that he
won't give up on you, then thatjourney can begin, but, like a
(36:21):
lot of the people, for me and alot of them out here too, is
dealing with mental illnesses.
If you can't get the mentalillness under control, how can?
You get the addiction undercontrol?
I wish there was.
Each situation is differentbecause it's how you word things
(36:41):
to people.
You got to be very careful inhow you talk to people because
one word can trigger somethingand set a whole.
It can pop off in a minute andeverything.
So you got to be very careful.
So I think the biggest part ofit is is listening to the people
, understanding the people andunderstanding the situation and
trying to look back at your lifeand see how you can relate with
(37:04):
that person you know, and onceyou can find common ground with
that person, then you can have aconversation with that person
and you know it's throwingsuggestions out there to them
and everything like that, andyou know, trying to convince
them to be open minded, nottrying to force it down them,
and stuff like that.
You know, because the biggestthing is, nobody likes to be
(37:26):
forced into the situation youknow.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
And especially if it's not love and truthfulness
to on the other side of theenforcing right, it doesn't feel
good.
No, um, how long have you beenat TRM as a guest?
Speaker 6 (37:41):
I came back in February of 2024.
Um, and I started working forTRM and 11, 11 and one of 2024.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Okay, so talk to me about why does being employed
here at TRM, why does thatmatter to you?
Speaker 6 (38:03):
Because it gives me the opportunity to help people,
be of service, and that's onething about my recovery is being
of service to others you know,and being a helping to others.
You know, since I startedworking at TRM, I've
accomplished things that I neverthought I'd accomplish.
Right now I'm going back toschool to get my high school
diploma.
You know, I'm finishing that up, you know talk to him about
your GPA.
(38:24):
I'm actually maintaining a BI.
Speaker 2 (38:29):
I told him.
I said uh, we won't talk aboutmine.
And then I was honest with himand told him.
I said one of the mostembarrassing things I've had to
overcome in my education was Ifailed Arkansas history had to
take it twice in college.
Had to pay for it twice.
Speaker 4 (38:44):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
So I told him.
I said I'm so proud of you forbeing out of school this long,
and then you're doing a betteraverage than what I had.
Speaker 6 (38:50):
Yeah, you know, trm has been a great stepping stone
for me.
I mean it's, it's, it's how I Imean a lot of people look at
this.
I mean, be honest with you.
They look at the mission as thebottom.
You know I mean, but at thesame time, you know, it's all
about how you work it, how youwork the program.
(39:11):
If you're willing to put in thefootwork, then things can
grateful, things can happen and,like I said, I've accomplished
things that I never thought I'daccomplish.
You know, going back to school,you know, matter of fact, this
is actually one of the longestjobs I've held in a long time.
You know it's allowed me tohelp people.
I mean I've got.
(39:32):
You know, I mean, within thefirst six months that I've been
here, I experienced some prettyintense episodes.
I got to help talk a guy offthe bridge off the Kansas.
Avenue bridge back here you knowI understand where he was
coming from.
I mean, I've been exactly wherehe was.
No hope, nobody cares, ornothing like that.
And just to get him to comedown and talk to me and get him
no hope, nobody cares, ornothing like that, and just to
get him to come down and talk tome and get him.
(39:53):
You know, to this day I stillpray.
Maybe I'll run into him at ameeting or something like that
you know, but you know thingslike that.
You know, for me a lot of peoplethink blessings is money,
getting their wife, you know,getting their family back.
Whatever Blessing is just thatwarm feeling in your heart.
Speaker 3 (40:08):
You, you know anytime you can make somebody smile or
you're uplifting and stuff likethat you know, that's a blessing
to me and you know, you knowthat the lord is helping right,
he's shining through you right Ithink that's what's so
beautiful on those things.
Just like that.
You know it isn't tangible,it's just something where you
know the lord has used you tohelp someone else.
Speaker 6 (40:28):
And how incredible that's like everybody used to
tell me.
You know, god won't put toomuch on your plate that you
can't have, or God gives histoughest battles to his toughest
soldiers.
You know, and I look at thingsback in life and I was like,
well, I must be one toughsoldier because of what I've
been through.
But, you know, I've walkedthrough, I've walked through,
walked through the darkness tocome back to the light.
(40:48):
And I, you know, and and but ifwalk through the darkness to
come back to the light.
But if somebody would ask meabout my addiction and about
where I'm at today, my addiction, that monster inside me, is
like cancer.
It's in remission.
It can be awoken at any time.
Any bad trigger or somethinglike that.
But as long as I keep my faithin God, I can keep, you know,
(41:13):
and and put my trust in him andeverything like that.
I know I have a chance.
Yes, you know.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
For sure, and you've proven it.
The Lord is standing by you,mick, as you and you know so
much more about Billy than whatI even do, and I know a lot.
I respect Billy, I love Billy,I'm thankful for Billy, but I
know there's just a differentlevel of that from you, with him
(41:40):
directly reporting to you andbeing a part of your team.
What does one Billy mean to you?
And two, what does havingsomeone like Billy mean to this
team?
Speaker 4 (41:53):
Knowing Billy, like I do, Like you said, when he
first came in I was his casemanager.
He was here for a couple ofweeks and gone when he came back
.
I was actually the assistantdirector at that time and, you
know, kind of reestablished,tried to reestablish that
rapport and that trust with himagain.
Didn't know who Billy knew fromhis background, but we know a
(42:13):
lot of the people Just gettingto know Billy again.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
But why did that matter to you?
To get rapport with him and tobuild trust back.
Why does that matter to you?
Speaker 4 (42:25):
Because in order to help someone, you've got to have
the rapport with them.
I can go down the street andsay, hey, you need something to
eat, right, I don't care whatyou drive, I don't care what you
wear, it's just helpingsomebody.
Yeah, you know, as they comethrough the door, you can see
their struggles, as youmentioned, billy mentioned.
(42:45):
You can see it in their face,you can see it in their
characteristic when they comethrough the door.
Yeah, and you can see it intheir face.
You can see it in theircharacteristic when they come
through the door.
When I first started here, Iused to look at everybody and go
man, it's just like zombieswalking around, you know.
But so when I was incorrections, we always said we
want to rehabilitate everybody,rehabilitate them.
Well, if they've never beenhabilitated before, how can you
(43:08):
rehabilitate them?
Yes, you know so as they comethrough the door and you never
know the backgrounds or themental health or the addiction,
the depths they've been in,where they've come from or
brought themselves out of.
So you can always see hurt intheir eyes.
So to me it's important to justinvest in someone.
You're going to get out of themwhat you invest in them.
Right, we're going to get outof Jesus what we invest in Jesus
(43:29):
, right?
So when I've seen Billy comeback, it's like, okay, this is a
familiar face, I know he'sworked hard.
I don't know all his struggles,but it doesn't matter his
struggles, those aren't myunderstanding.
Those are God's understanding.
Yes, I'm just here as amissionary for Jesus to do what
(43:49):
I can to help his people.
So when I see a familiar facecome back in, let's try to build
that rapport again.
Let's acknowledge them.
I try to tell the team all thetime in our meetings.
Everybody wants to beacknowledged, even if it's to
say hey, how you doing, billy,how's it going, how's your day
going?
They can be receptive or not bereceptive, but at least I've
(44:11):
acknowledged them.
Yes, at least somebody has seenthem.
Yeah.
And they know they're seen.
Yeah, you know.
So seeing the film of yourfaces come back in Billy, I say
all these guys hold a huge partof my heart.
Uh-huh, they do.
Speaker 2 (44:24):
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh yep why cry all the time?
Speaker 4 (44:34):
yeah, because it's you know.
We all look at ourselves asburdens on somebody else.
But we're not, we're not.
If we're all the same, thenwhat would life be like?
Speaker 3 (44:49):
it'd be pretty boring it would be.
Speaker 4 (44:51):
Yeah.
So the humor of God, thedifferent challenges, whatever
it may be.
Some challenges are heartbeats,yeah, you know, but the
heartbeats that were created bythe same God that created me and
we're all equal.
It's the choices that some havemade, right, but I want to be
on the other side of that fenceso when they do come through
(45:12):
that gate, they do come throughthat door, they can see the
light of Jesus.
Speaker 3 (45:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:20):
Well, let me get myself together now.
You know I I know thatsometimes it sounds mushy and
there are tears that are shed,and I think it is because it is
such a rawness of what we do andwe try to communicate that as
(45:43):
much as possible.
But it's also something that'sso different when you're
experiencing it.
Staff here at TRM, we are notperfect.
We are walking our own journeys.
Some can relate with Billy's,some can relate to mine, some
can relate to Mick's or Miriam'sor Josh.
(46:03):
It's not really about the story.
It's about the importance of us, as staff members, being
vulnerable with our own story,to help other people latch on to
that and be able to help themheal on their own story, learn
things about their own story sothat, like Billy mentioned, we
(46:24):
go back into the war zone topull people out.
I think that is a beautiful yetheart wrenching example of what
we do here, and so when we goto talk about each other, that's
why we get the lump in ourthroats, because I wish I could
say that people just show up atour doors they say Hi, I'm
LaManda, I'm ready for healing,I'll do anything that you asked
(46:47):
me to do.
Here is all of the concerns Ihave and I will have them fixed
in 60 days.
That is not the case, and sowhat we get to do at TRM is some
of the 68 that God entrusts toconstantly speak of his
(47:14):
redemption.
That's incredible.
The other side of it issometimes we're like God, you
ready to put somebody else asone of the 68?
Because I'm tired and becausethis is hard, and am I doing it
wrong?
Or you hear of somebody whopasses away or gets injured or
overdoses, like all of thesedifferent things.
(47:35):
You see people who the systemis failing because it is so hard
to reacclimate to all of thesystems in our society and so it
is hard.
So if you look at our team andMick did a great job talking
about this we are so close onebecause we have to be, two
because we get to be, and sothat's how I view TRM as well.
(47:59):
That's why I'm protective ofTRM, that's why I advocate for
TRM and we'll continue to do so.
It's just incredible.
Speaker 3 (48:06):
And you know, Amanda, I think the.
Thing that is always in theforefront, or needs to always be
in the forefront of my mind, ifit sometimes slips away is, you
know, as people come back to uslike I may not have the same
struggles that Billy has or thatBilly has had, and yet I have
things that the Lord, I need togo to the Lord with as well,
(48:28):
right, I need to go to the Lordwith as well, right.
So every time I welcome Billyback, I have to be remembering
that the Lord is welcoming meback with whatever I might have
done, and my things may not beas obvious or as visible or as
public as what some of the folksdo that come back to us over
(48:49):
and over, but to God it's allthe same.
And so who would I be, or whowould any of us at TRM be, not
to welcome people back foranother opportunity to be with
the Lord?
Right, to potentially seethemselves in their lives in a
different way, because I know Iam granted that every single day
(49:10):
from the Lord.
So I have a responsibility totalk that person off the bridge,
right, because that's what theLord has done, right.
So I think it is this when Ithink about my time here at TRM.
I am also always thinking thatI have received so much more by
being an employee here than Ihave been able to give.
Speaker 2 (49:34):
Well said, well said.
You know.
I don't know if right now, youare listening to this and you
are resonating with the earlyBilly, the Billy that felt
abandoned.
The Billy that.
The Billy that felt abandoned.
The Billy that didn't have twoparents to raise him.
The Billy who was rebelliousbecause religion hurt it didn't,
(49:57):
it wasn't helping, it didn'tfeel good, it felt lost.
I don't know if you are rightnow resonating with the Billy
who said I'm done twice andwanted to take his life.
I don't know if you arelistening to this and you're
contemplating it.
And suicide does notdiscriminate.
(50:17):
Suicidal thoughts can happen tosomebody in a boardroom.
Suicide thoughts can happen tosomeone who's attending every
church service, and suicide canbe thoughts of somebody who is
experiencing homelessness,attempting to jump off the
Kansas Bridge.
If you are listening right nowand you you resonate with part
of Billy's story, please knowthat you too, with the power of
(50:39):
the Lord, have the ability toresonate with Billy's story now,
and that it is not alwaysbeautiful, it is not always easy
.
There is still a monster insideof him that is being
spiritually battled with theLord, and you too can have that
battle because you are worth it.
And our creator sent his son todie on the cross for you so
(51:02):
that you can have an eternitywith him and be transformed.
So please know that, whateverstruggle you are having,
regardless of your socioeconomicstatus, know that whatever
struggle you are having,regardless of your socioeconomic
status, regardless of yourexperiencing homelessness or not
, you might feel lost, but youare not a loss, and those are
two very different things.
And so, billy, thank you forbeing here, mick, thank you for
(51:23):
being here, thank you for thework that you do.
I am deeply sorry for thechallenges that you face in your
roles.
It is definitely a beautifulmess and I know the load is
heavy and has been pretty muchall year.
We jokingly say and seriouslysay we fit about five years
worth of challenges in the firstseven months of 2025.
(51:44):
But please know that the workthat you do, one doesn't go
unnoticed by me.
It doesn't go unnoticed by yourteams but, most importantly,
the Lord sees the war zone thatyou're in every day and it's
kind of like Daniel.
You know there were more man inthe fire than the one, and
that's how it is every day.
(52:05):
So if you are a listener, pleaseknow that, if you are in a
season where you are feelingsuccess and you are feeling
healing and redeeming and all ofthat that, billy is.
Please make sure you're workingfor the Lord and that you're
going back in the pits andyou're pulling people out.
If you're feeling like you'rein the pit right now, please
know you're not alone.
(52:25):
You're not the only one.
That's in a pit Positiondoesn't discriminate.
All of those things we haveall's in a pit Position doesn't
discriminate.
All of those things we have allbeen in a pit, are in a pit,
are going to go in a pit.
But what is incredible isthere's places like the Topeka
Rescue Mission and many otherplaces around here that are
showing you your life can betransformed with Christ and you
are made by the creator for anextremely important purpose and
(52:48):
you are an important person.
Have a blessed day.
Thank you for listening to ourcommunity, our mission.
Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you, lord, for this
day and your blessings.
God, and just this time, forthis podcast.
Lord, we thank you for ourwonderful guests today and the
stories that they bring andshare.
Lord, I pray that our listenerswould be blessed and encouraged
today by them and, lord, thatyour spirit would just be with
us right now.
Lord, we love you and we praiseyour name.
Amen.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everyone.
This is LaManda Cunningham, theTopeka Rescue Mission CEO on
this Tuesday, july 15th, whereyou are listening to Episode 275
of Our Community, our Missionman.
I always feel like that is sucha big intro.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
It is a big intro, and then I'm looking at my paper
.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Did I miss anything?
Did I get it all you nailed?
Speaker 3 (00:43):
it.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
That's right.
Thank you, josh, for theencouragement.
I am joined today with twospecial guests to my right, a
special guest in front of me anda special guest to the left.
At first I realized I was goingto act like they're special,
and then you two are and we'renot special.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Yeah, we were feeling it.
Did you like that?
We're good.
We were feeling it.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
So I have Josh across from me.
Josh is the guru who isdefinitely making all of the
technology work for thesepodcasts and has been doing that
for five or six years whiledoing this, but he also is just
the creative heart beside behind, always trying to communicate
what we feel like God wantspeople to know, and so Josh
(01:23):
appreciate all that you do.
Also joined with Miriam.
Hello, how are you Fine?
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Yeah, sure, anything excited going on, no, nothing
Not at all.
Nothing going on.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
It's really boring here.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I sit in my office wondering is there anything to?
Speaker 2 (01:39):
do, that's right.
You just work eight to four andbarely an hour for lunch.
Yes, that's right.
In case you are a first timelistener, there is usually a lot
of opportunities, which AKAmeans challenges that we're
facing at the rescue mission,but also a lot of just God's
goodness and provision happeningin our community, and that's
(02:02):
really the heart of this podcastis to constantly be
highlighting what multiplepeople are doing in our
community and the good thingsabout those roles, the
challenging things about theroles just to really be
transparent and represent howmany people in this community
(02:24):
are trying to do work on behalfof those who need it.
And so today is going to be agreat podcast.
I'm excited about it.
But before we get to thosetestimonies, you know, miriam,
josh works really hard.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Oh, I know he does.
I think he works really hard tomake sure that we're not going
to be too serious.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
He makes us.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Gotta bring some humor.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Correct.
Yes, we got to have someliveliness in this.
So today there's threedifferent things that we need to
highlight.
One is National Give SomethingAway Day.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
I could you know what ?
There are things in my officeright now that I would be more
than happy to give away.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Oh you know, miriam, on a funny note, I actually
thought about your desk for tworeasons.
For two reasons, I'm givingcompliments, okay.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Just stay with me.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Yes, I'm hanging with you.
The first one is if you areever in Miriam's office, she
always has something to giveaway Chocolate, beef sticks,
protein shakes, a random new teashe wants you to try because
your throat's hurting, whateverthe case may be.
So she always has something togive away.
And then two for some reasonshe always has work that's on
(03:36):
her desk that she tries to giveaway and everybody, just like
they laugh quickly, shakes theirhead like we're not doing that.
Yeah, but on a serious note,today is National Give Something
Away Day.
One man's trash is anotherman's treasure, and so, looking
at that, today, you know, try togive freely, without any
expectation in return.
(03:56):
But that this is also a goodway to declutter, yes.
I also liked how it said onhere that that doesn't like one
man.
Trash another man's treasuredoesn't literally mean junk or
trash, but items that can servesomeone else better.
Yes, and.
I think you know that is hugefor all of us Right To really
make sure Are we donating things?
Are we realizing that justbecause we upgrade, someone
(04:22):
else's upgrade depends on whatwe're donating and what we're
giving?
It also made me think of and wecould do a whole podcast on
this, so we won't.
But it makes me think of ourunsheltered neighbors.
And do we have some of them thatstruggle with a lot of trash
and litter, of course, becausethere's not trash that runs for
(04:45):
them.
They also can't burn trash in aburn barrel because then it's
called in and that's not allowed, and so there are.
But then there are also timeswhere we view something as their
trash and we don't realizethey're collecting plastic,
they're collecting aluminum cansto turn in for money, they are
trying to collect bike parts,because they truly work on bikes
(05:07):
and that is their vocation forright now.
There's just a lot of thingswhere the way we view things and
we're very quick to deem it astrash is really sometimes a
livelihood for someone, or alsohow that person is functioning,
because there really are notoptions.
Like you and I have Right andpeople can be incredibly
(05:30):
creative.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
Oh yeah, Very.
With the things that they haveto build, things that they need
like shelter and that kind ofthing.
I'm always kind of startled byhow creative people can be and
what people can build out ofwhat I would consider nothing.
So it's yes, you're absolutelyright.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
One of the things that sticks out to me about that
is when I first started this in21, it was one of the very
first times I went out to visitsome of the encampments, and so
when we arrive, you know we'realways saying who we are, can we
come in those kinds of things?
And I noticed this pile of fivegallon buckets.
(06:10):
And when I say a pile, it was apile, probably 10, 15.
And two gentlemen come out andwere kind of leery because they
hadn't met me, and so the streetreach person that I was with
introduces who I am.
She's coming around to meetpeople and they went over to
that five-gallon bucket pile,took out two five-gallon buckets
(06:31):
for me and the other person tosit on.
That's their seats.
And so the next thing I know allfour of us are sitting on these
five-gallon buckets and Imentioned something about it and
one of the gentlemen said well,I wouldn't expect you to sit on
the ground and I thought, likethey're using, like they're
doing that as a way to respectme, to be courteous, yes, and so
(06:55):
there's complaints of peoplethat are driving over the Kansas
bridge because they see a wholestack of five gallon buckets.
But I'm like that's their way,that also when they're meeting
and stuff, and they're talkingand eating and stuff, like
they're sitting on these buckets.
So, anyways, definitelysomething to think of in the
area of homelessness.
But also declutter, clutter isnot good for any of us, I know.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
It's already past spring cleaning.
Is it summer cleaning?
Speaker 3 (07:19):
I know I need to do one every season, I do too.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
The next one.
I've never had what?
What?
It's not my go-to.
Chinese it is, but not orangechicken.
So today's orange chicken dayWell, apparently we know what
we're going to have lunch.
I love sweet and sour chicken,I love the shrimps, all of that
options, but I've never hadorange chicken.
It's not my go-to.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
Well, if you've never had it, how would you know?
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Well, okay, so I look at it and it looks really
sticky, and it looks sticky andthen they kind of stick together
, and so then I'm like, did theyreally get cooked right?
And so then I'm in my head andit's really sensory, by looks
and what I feel, like it's goingto taste like, so I don't do it
, josh.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
We have a goal now, so it's a blind taste test.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
It's a blind taste test.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
We'll blindfold her and give her some orange chicken
, exactly.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
But we want to give it its due right Because it is
Orange Chicken Day and so a lotof people like that, and I don't
want to discriminate.
If you love the orange chicken,please know this is your day.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
There you go, go get some orange chicken.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
That's right, I just haven't yet.
Next National, I Love HorsesDay, I do, why, why?
Speaker 3 (08:31):
do you love horses?
I grew up with horses.
Yeah, I love horses.
They're powerful and they canrun really fast.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
They're cool animals.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
They're very cool animals.
They're very cool, they'repowerful and they're beautiful.
Yeah, they're really beautiful.
I've had every size horse as Iwas growing up, right, because
you grow up on a farm and whenyou're little you want to do
what dad and your brothers aredoing, but your horse can't be
quite as big, right?
So I've had every size of horse.
Oh, I love it.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
I know I do too.
I enjoy even just watchinghorses.
I feel like I don't know,especially if I'm in prayer or
going through something.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
It's almost like God can always use whether it's a
tamed horse, a wild horse, allof that to just teach us stuff,
don't you remember I know thatis like one of my favorite
things we had this opportunityat a conference to see somebody
train a horse, or a break Breakisn't the right word, I'm just
(09:29):
going to use train, because thehorse was not broken, but it was
brought into compliance and itwas amazing.
And the gentleman that wasdoing this was talking about how
we are just like those unbrokecults, you know, and that God
has to just continuously comeafter us to help us understand
(09:50):
what our purpose is and how toreally be in alignment so that
we can do what he needs us to do.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
I just loved it and I love how he tied in that the
behavior of the cult changeswhen the trust is earned, yes,
and which we can look at.
You know, part of thesanctification process is not
just becoming more like the Lord, it's also learning truly who
his character is to trust himwho he is.
Yes, but then I think Miriam andI both walked away from that
(10:19):
experience going.
You know what?
What are we doing as leaders toalso earn the trust, whether
it's of our staff members, orhow do we then model that so
that people that are in directservice with those that we're
serving, how are theyrelentlessly pursuing people
that we serve to earn theirtrust too?
So it was beautiful.
It was beautiful.
That was the first thing Ithought of when I saw this.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Yeah so we're all fans of horses, we love horses,
so that's incredible there wasan honorary mention that I
didn't put on here but it didn'tquite make the list, but it's
also national, uh, gummy wormday national I love.
I know that's why I was like Ifeel like I need to throw that
in, because I was like I knowmiriam loves some love, some
gummy bears you put orangechicken and you didn't put gum,
(11:02):
because I like oh so it's justall about you, Josh.
Well, I mean I make the list, soI have the power, but I just
figured I'd throw that in there.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
I love that.
Well, we do these because it isimportant to not only just live
in only the area ofhomelessness right, and
everything that we do day in andday out.
That we do day in and day outBecause, even though this is
ministry and even though we getto see God transform lives and
we get to see why our own liveshave been transformed or in the
(11:33):
process of transforming becausehe's using us, that's all
beautiful, but it's also hardand it's challenging.
And so it is neat to one justbe able to laugh about silly
things and there's nothing wrongwith that but to also just
realize there's just otherthings happening outside of this
too and how God works all ofthat out.
So our guest today we've hadMick Ballinger on here before.
(11:55):
Mick is our director of men'sservices over at our main
shelter.
Mick, welcome back.
Speaker 4 (12:02):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
It obviously isn't too bad because you keep coming
back, right so god calls us afew different things mick falls
under the voluntold, that'sexactly right
so if you know mick um, I justlike to think of mick as um a
quiet soldier, um.
And so when I think of Mick,mick is poised, mick is
(12:25):
disciplined.
But Mick is also a form ofstrength that is dependable and
that is not easily rocked of anykind of group.
He does not like to be in frontof a microphone Um, he just
wants to show up every day andquietly but strongly serve and
(12:50):
lead Um.
But I keep putting him on thismicrophone because I love
hearing his heart Um and I alsolove how he is so transparent at
his own perception that had tochange um, how he realizes he is
a work in progress with theLord, and that's why I think so
many men are wild coats but thenare tamed and are structured
(13:14):
because of Mick's leadership andhis guys.
So welcome back Mick.
And we have someone, notnecessarily new to TRM but new
to the microphone, and that isMr Billy Brown.
Welcome, billy.
Speaker 6 (13:27):
Thank you, glad to be here.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Yes, we're excited to have Billy.
Billy wears many hats here atthe Rescue Mission, as does a
lot of men at the front desk.
I say this all the time thatour Hope Center front desk
workers and our men's shelterfront desk workers they have to
be mom and dad and counselor andpolice and the doctor and the
(13:51):
nurse and the bodyguards and thetherapist they wear a lot of
hats and they do that because wehave a lot of people hundreds
each day that walk through ourdoors and we have to find the
balance of compassion andempathy and seeing people the
(14:13):
way the Lord does and balancethat with safety and logistics
and structure and accountability.
And that is not an easy job butit is a job that is done well
by Billy.
So, Billy, we are so glad tohave you on here, Excited to
have you.
Billy, will you just talk to usa little bit, just kind of,
(14:34):
about your life, your upbringing, privileges, you had struggles,
you had anything like that,just so that the listeners kind
of get a feel of who we'retalking to.
Speaker 6 (14:46):
Well, I was born in 1976.
I was born in Kansas City.
Kansas Moved to a small farmcommunity, hoskalissa, in 1980.
And everything I grew up therewent to school in Jefferson
County.
Come from a broken home, youknow my mom, and dad divorced
(15:11):
when I was pretty young andeverything like that.
So it kind of started at thatage with some mental health
issues, dealing with abandonmentissues and stuff like that and
being in a small community likethat, it was kind of tough
trying to find a place to fit inand by the time I hit high
school I finally found a place Ifit in.
(15:31):
It was with the wrong crowd andeverything, and throughout
years it progressed.
I let all this stuff just buildup and build up and everything.
But my dad was in the lawenforcement so I knew both sides
of the law.
I knew the bad and I knew thegood.
I knew right from wrong andeverything like that.
(15:52):
As far as my religiousupbringing, I was raised in a
Catholic family.
I was baptized Catholic when Iwas younger and I just didn't
believe in it because I feltlike I was forced into it.
I felt like religion wassomething that I should be able
to experience on my own and ithad come from the old German
class where everything I did Imean no matter what I did I was
(16:16):
going to hell is what I was toldand everything.
So it was just that constantbattle in my head, you know
always.
And when I found out that, youknow, I found ways to numb that
pain block that image withalcohol and drugs and everything
I started using when I wasabout 16.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
And what were you using?
Speaker 6 (16:38):
I started out drinking just like in high
school with the people on theweekends and everything and
eventually I got introduced tomarijuana and it led to harder
drugs like cocaine andmethamphetamines and stuff like
that.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
And who were you living with at that time?
Speaker 6 (16:53):
I was staying with my dad and my grandparents at the
moment because my dad haddiabetes and he came down sick.
And I think one day back in1993, I got called to the
hospital after coming home fromschool.
My dad was in the hospitalbecause he had a diabetic
episode.
He was in a coma.
I walked into the hospital andI swear to that day that that
(17:16):
was the day that my life changed, Because I constantly—my dad
came home.
He came out of it.
I watched him die on a slowlybasis, knowing I couldn't do
anything about it.
So I'd already lost my mom,didn't know where she was and
I'm losing my dad, you know.
So I had to grow up real fast.
(17:36):
I had to be.
You know, I didn't get to bethe normal child that I was, you
know, get to have friends andstuff, so I had to.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
So were you like a junior in high school uh, I was.
Speaker 6 (17:47):
But yeah, I just started my junior year and
everything and, uh, things aregoing rough at home.
So I dropped out um high school, my uh senior year and
everything, and started takingjob at a local grocery store in
Perry Kansas, you know, justtrying to help that family out,
like every normal son would wantto do, and stuff like that.
(18:08):
But so much anger, so much hatetowards God because I lost my
mom, you know, she left my dad'sdying.
I started turning my back onthe Lord, you know.
I felt like he just he hated me, you know, to the point that I
was abandoning, you know, andstarted finding, started turning
(18:35):
to other things for solutions,answers and stuff like that, you
know, dabbled with darker youknow dark things you know,
Wouldn't believe in God at all.
Been an addict for about 30 someyears, you know well.
Actually, yeah, 35 years to behonest with you.
It's been a rough life.
(18:59):
I mean you know ups and downsand things that I mean the
morals that I went against andstuff like that against.
You know ups and downs andthings that I mean the morals
that I went against and stufflike that against.
You know lived on the streets.
You know I've done everythingfrom be the bottom I mean
dealing dope to being the junkieand everything.
(19:23):
And you know I've been in andout of treatments, been to
30-some treatments in my life,been in and out of the mental
health institutions andeverything.
And you know in and out ofincarceration, jails, prisons,
nothing seemed to work, can I?
Speaker 2 (19:46):
stop you right there.
I want to ask you something andI'm going to be a little
sarcastic because I hear thisall the time, but a lot of this
time that you were kind of inand out of the struggles, in and
out of the addiction, thosekinds of things, would that have
just been fixed with the job?
Speaker 6 (20:06):
No.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Because some of it you worked.
Right, you were working.
Did that take away?
So just being focused and goingto work, get a job, that helped
you feel less abandoned, thathelped you feel all of those
things right.
Speaker 6 (20:22):
Kind of I mean I was part of something, but still
there was that void inside thatI was missing.
I was trying to feel I mean Ijust couldn't find acceptance.
Sure, no matter what I tried, Icouldn't find the acceptance
that I seek.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
So employment is definitely something that will
help people along the way of thejourney, but struggles and deep
rooted hurt and isolation andstruggles I mean just getting a
job doesn't fix it.
Speaker 6 (20:54):
No, I think I believe it's.
You know, a job's a job, Acareer is a career.
You gotta have something thatyou enjoy.
Doing.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Yes.
Speaker 6 (21:02):
You know, and like I said, I was a job jumper, I mean
bouncing job to job.
I mean it was just put money inmy pocket to support my habits,
stuff like that.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
But you know um would would your all of these habits
have been fixed if you just hada house?
No because I hear that too.
Right, and respectfully, I saythis to the listeners because I
do understand if people are notkind of educated in this area.
I do see where the commonquestions.
(21:30):
The two things I get is onewell, if they just get a job,
then they wouldn't be a bum.
Or they wouldn't be this, Ihear that.
Or two well, if they would justget housed like they just need
to be in housing.
And the message I'm trying tosay is housing is good, yes.
Employment is good, yes.
But if we don't truly helppeople, heal is good, yes, but
(21:50):
if we don't truly help peopleheal whether that is in the mind
, in the heart sometimes it'sphysical ailments that have
caused this kind of the spiral,and sometimes it's a combination
If we don't truly help, thenwhat we're doing is we're
putting a bandaid on a brokenarm or we're telling somebody to
do chemo for a headache.
It doesn't make sense, and sothat's why I really want
(22:11):
listeners to hear that you'vebeen in the midst of this
addiction, you've been in themidst of kind of issues that
come from broken families, allof these things.
But yet those things need one,the Lord, and two need a village
and need other things.
It can't just be fixed withhousing and it can't just be
(22:32):
fixed with employment.
Speaker 6 (22:33):
No, you know, for me, I mean trauma is trauma and, um
, you know you have to face thattrauma and you have to find
somebody that can understand andrelate to that trauma with you.
You know, uh, the biggest partof working here, like at TRM,
you know, for me it's the peoplethat I see out on the street,
(22:54):
just going up to them and saying, hey, how's your day going?
Acknowledging them, you know.
You know how much that wouldhave made me.
You know, if somebody wouldacknowledge me more in life,
earlier in my addiction, Iprobably would have maybe looked
at things different.
Probably would have maybe lookedat things different.
But when everybody turns theirback on you, you know, because
they don't understand, you knowit's like they just look at it
(23:17):
as you're a loss.
You know You're not a loss, youknow.
I mean, I don't know.
I've been filled with so muchin my head because I've been
told throughout life that I wasno good.
I was no good, I wouldn'tamount to nothing and stuff like
that, and to hear that over andover and have it embedded in my
thoughts and stuff like that,it's just, you know.
(23:40):
But when somebody actuallycomes up and tells me that they
love me or that they listen, andstuff like, that it's hard for
me to trust anybody.
It's just is this an act or what.
There's a saying.
I'm so used to everything goingbad that sometimes, when
something goes good, it feelslike a setup.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Yeah, you're waiting for the next shoe to drop or
something, yeah, yeah.
So, billy, you have over threedecades of addiction, even more
decades than that of loss, likereally not this two-parent home
and things like that.
Talk to me about how that ledto the incident, that you now
(24:24):
believe in miracles.
Speaker 6 (24:26):
Well, I was.
It was July of well matter offact, first miracle was April 6,
2018.
I thought I was at rock bottom.
I had walked in.
I was in Lawrence, I walked,picked a busy intersection,
walked out in front of trafficand I broke my neck and I was
lifelighted to KU Med.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Were you hit by a vehicle?
Speaker 6 (24:47):
Yeah, I broke my neck .
Speaker 2 (24:48):
Ran over Yep.
Okay, and this was literallyjust seven years ago.
Speaker 6 (24:53):
Yep, okay, and you know I woke up.
I've told NICU that I wasrevived twice.
I woke up there in KU Med andyou know I thought at that point
that was a change in my life.
It was.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
How long did you stay in KU Med?
Speaker 6 (25:09):
I was in there for about four and a half months.
I had to go throughrehabilitation and everything.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
But that sorry to interrupt you one more time and
that, in your mind, was asuicide attempt, right Like you.
Yeah, you couldn't do itanymore and you were done with
life, believing all of this,that you didn't have value,
those kinds of things, right.
And so you were like this ishow I'm going to end this, and
(25:40):
then what?
Speaker 6 (25:41):
It didn't.
You know, it didn't workbecause I woke up in ICU with a
couple of people that I went tochurch with up in Kansas City,
in the ICU room looking over meand I was like, well, maybe,
maybe there is something goingon here.
Maybe, God does have a plan forme.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
So do you remember what you thought when you
started coming to and waking up?
Like what did you?
Do you remember that you triedto kill yourself?
Speaker 6 (26:08):
I remember seeing the truck coming, remember that you
tried to kill yourself.
I remember seeing the truckcoming, okay, but from 11 PM to
3 PM, I don't remember nothing.
I just remember being at peace,feeling no pain, nothing at all
.
Okay, and that's and then 3.
Pm from on.
That's when the pain startedagain and all the misery and
everything started coming backand stuff and uh, but I had
(26:29):
people coming from church tovisit me and stuff like that and
what'd you think about that?
It was.
It showed me that people cared.
And like I said, I startedtaking recovery again seriously
and uh, you know, I was likeokay, well, billy, you can do
this, and my wife was up thereand with me in the hospital and
stuff like that.
(26:49):
And we, you know, after the fourmonths of rehabilitation, got
out and everything, and I hadbeen on pain medication for
about seven years, just the sameas doing all this, but at the
same time I was going to church,I started getting things to
come back in life, starting tofeel good about myself, and then
(27:15):
some events took place in mylife.
I lost some people and startedthinking God's turning his back
on me again and Billy forgot.
You know, I was finding a wayto go back to my addiction,
(27:35):
because my addiction was callingme, because I felt that the
pain medication was a big partof it.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Talk to me about the pain medication.
Speaker 6 (27:44):
I was on hydrocodones and oxycodones for about seven
years because of the nervedamage and the pain with the
broken neck and everything.
Um, the doctors pulled me offof a cold turkey, so I started
going out seeking other thingsand stuff like that.
But back to your question,where I thought the biggest
miracle was would have been julyof 2023, when, um, I'd got
(28:10):
arrested febru February 3rd of2023 for possession or
distribution of methamphetamines.
Things started going downhillfrom there and I found myself on
some railroad tracks in NorthLawrence, completely hopeless,
ready to commit suicide.
I was on Facebook.
I posted it live on Facebook.
(28:30):
They came and I was just cryingmy eyes out, praying to God
please help me, please help me.
Well, my message got delivered,it got publicly delivered and it
got shot out more than Ithought.
And the next thing, you know,they shut the train tracks down.
Police show up.
They took me to a mental healthinstitution.
Billy, we're not taking you tojail.
(28:51):
Actually, I've been battlingthis case for two years.
It's finally coming to terms,but that's where this journey
started.
You know, um, back up a littlebit.
I always knew god was there,because every now and then I'd
get this little presence sayinglike you know, I'm here, but I'm
just waiting for you to cry out, and that's you know, you know,
he says he let me play around,he let me dabble you know.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
But why do you think he does that?
Speaker 6 (29:16):
because he's a mean god no, I think he wanted me to
learn, you know.
I mean, I had to learn, youknow, but but I knew he was
always there and he was there.
And then this last time, youknow he, he answered, he sent
the police.
They come and got me.
They took me to, uh, burton ashand lawrence burton ash took me
(29:38):
from burton ash to stormontwest.
Um, I got into treatment.
Um, it was tough.
The withdrawals really was.
I mean, I was hurting so bad.
I just wanted to, um, and andand I was like no, I can't.
And anyways, I got, I got outof treatment.
(29:59):
I came here for a while.
I started.
I was working at Arby's.
Nick was my first uh casemanager and, um, I'd been here
for maybe two weeks and I comein and told him I said, well, I
got accepted into an Oxfordhouse.
You know I'm moving out.
So I went to Oxford.
I was there for almost sixmonths and I lost my job.
I got another job, but theywouldn't wait the two weeks for
(30:20):
me to get my rent up andeverything.
So I got voted out and I cameback.
Well, I came back here to TRMand I didn't really want to
because I looked at it as thepit is what I called it and
everything and it was like Icame in, had a few jobs?
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Why does it feel when you're walking?
Because I've not walked thoseshoes, billy, I've never had to
come to our doors and say I needto be a guest.
I try to immerse myself as theCEO as much as possible, to to
have empathy and to understand,um, but I've never done it.
(30:58):
So talk to me about what doesit feel like to be that and to
feel like you're in the pit.
Speaker 6 (31:07):
It hurts when you have to admit defeat and you
have to come in and ask for help, especially when you've been
here before and you know, andyou you've burned some bridges
and stuff like that, and you'recoming back asking for help.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
You know I mean because we hold people
accountable.
Right, there's rules.
In case you haven't heard, youmight be the one and only person
that's never heard about TRM'srules, because it's normally the
other.
Y'all have so many rules.
That's why people don't come,but we do right.
We have stuff and not everybodyis ready for healing yet.
Speaker 6 (31:41):
No.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
And sometimes people end up back with us because it's
not just like everybody can oneday magically heal everything
that's ever happened and theycan just spin it Right.
Speaker 6 (31:55):
Because I've heard so many stories.
You know, people come in andthey say well, I think I'm at my
bottom, I'm ready for this andI'm sorry.
I'll look at him.
I say, well, the hand's alwayshere, you know, I mean we're
right.
We're willing to help you.
But sometimes you got to beblunt with them and say, hey, I
don't think you're ready, I canstill see a little game left in
(32:17):
you.
You know, for me it was beingcompletely spiritually broken
inside.
You know God, I was broken tothe point that there was nothing
left.
And you see it when people comein the doors.
You see, each time they come inyou look in their eyes and you
see more pain, more misery andyou know.
And you just keep planting thatseed and pray that.
(32:38):
You know, eventually it takesone day and stuff like that.
Speaker 2 (32:41):
Billy, how do you that?
That's not easy.
Speaker 6 (32:44):
No.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
I have seen the look of desperation, yet still met
with deceitfulness that peoplecarry in and your heart breaks
for both right.
Both right because you see, yousee the the choices being made
right that are, that aredeceitful and that aren't okay,
that require the accountabilityand sometimes require us saying
you can not be a guest.
But then you also see, like thedesperation in their eyes I
(33:26):
mean, sometimes the eyes areeven physically darker, like
it's.
It's different, and so youunderstand the kind of the
captivity that they're in andand all of that.
How well, I'm just gonna say itlike how do you do this job?
Not the why, because we'realready hearing some of that,
but how, how, how do you findthat balance of telling people
(33:49):
we're not going to do thatnonsense?
How do you also have toughconversations where it's tough
love?
How do you know when they areready?
And and we've got to wrap thatin compassion how in the world
do you do your job?
Speaker 6 (34:04):
Well, for me I think I told you guys this before For
me it's like sometimes I feellike I'm trapped in a war zone.
It's like I'm in recovery and Igot my recovery over here, but
at the same time I'm in themiddle of this, and the reason I
say this is because there's asaying God pulls us out to put
us back in.
And that's to pull people outthat are still, you know, to
help them recover.
But the thing is for me is Isee a lot of people in the
(34:28):
community and the people thatcome into the mission that I
used to run with, just as muchas I see people at meetings and
stuff like that that are inrecovery, you know, and, like I
said, being in that war zone itgives me that opportunity to
show these people that there isa better way of life, there is a
chance.
But back to your question ishow do I handle the, the this?
(34:49):
You know the that?
Sometimes it hurts to sit thereand know that these people
aren't serious and they want tobe, you know, manipulate, play a
game and stuff like that yeah.
But at the same time, does thatmean that?
You know, the biggest thing forme was asking God to allow me
to see them as he sees them?
Yes, you know because I can't bejudgmental.
(35:10):
You know Because the biggestthing for me, I had to learn
humility.
I mean I was always humble inmy addiction and stuff like that
, but I didn't know anythingabout humility.
I knew a lot about humiliationbut being here at TRM and
working with TRM I have learnedhumility quite a bit, because I
see on a daily basis what I usedto be like and I know that I
(35:34):
don't want to return to that andI want to try to help these
people by showing them that youknow there is a better way of
life and that there is hope.
You know God is he, you know,just like a father.
You know, I mean we got to bepunished.
(35:56):
You know we have to have somesort of accountability, you know
.
But he's not going to give up onus.
You know it's hard to believe.
I will admit that.
It's hard to accept.
It's hard to believe, I willadmit that it's hard to accept,
but once you do accept it andonce you do realize that he
won't give up on you, then thatjourney can begin, but, like a
(36:21):
lot of the people, for me and alot of them out here too, is
dealing with mental illnesses.
If you can't get the mentalillness under control, how can?
You get the addiction undercontrol?
I wish there was.
Each situation is differentbecause it's how you word things
(36:41):
to people.
You got to be very careful inhow you talk to people because
one word can trigger somethingand set a whole.
It can pop off in a minute andeverything.
So you got to be very careful.
So I think the biggest part ofit is is listening to the people
, understanding the people andunderstanding the situation and
trying to look back at your lifeand see how you can relate with
(37:04):
that person you know, and onceyou can find common ground with
that person, then you can have aconversation with that person
and you know it's throwingsuggestions out there to them
and everything like that, andyou know, trying to convince
them to be open minded, nottrying to force it down them,
and stuff like that.
You know, because the biggestthing is, nobody likes to be
(37:26):
forced into the situation youknow.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
And especially if it's not love and truthfulness
to on the other side of theenforcing right, it doesn't feel
good.
No, um, how long have you beenat TRM as a guest?
Speaker 6 (37:41):
I came back in February of 2024.
Um, and I started working forTRM and 11, 11 and one of 2024.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Okay, so talk to me about why does being employed
here at TRM, why does thatmatter to you?
Speaker 6 (38:03):
Because it gives me the opportunity to help people,
be of service, and that's onething about my recovery is being
of service to others you know,and being a helping to others.
You know, since I startedworking at TRM, I've
accomplished things that I neverthought I'd accomplish.
Right now I'm going back toschool to get my high school
diploma.
You know, I'm finishing that up, you know talk to him about
your GPA.
(38:24):
I'm actually maintaining a BI.
Speaker 2 (38:29):
I told him.
I said uh, we won't talk aboutmine.
And then I was honest with himand told him.
I said one of the mostembarrassing things I've had to
overcome in my education was Ifailed Arkansas history had to
take it twice in college.
Had to pay for it twice.
Speaker 4 (38:44):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
So I told him.
I said I'm so proud of you forbeing out of school this long,
and then you're doing a betteraverage than what I had.
Speaker 6 (38:50):
Yeah, you know, trm has been a great stepping stone
for me.
I mean it's, it's, it's how I Imean a lot of people look at
this.
I mean, be honest with you.
They look at the mission as thebottom.
You know I mean, but at thesame time, you know, it's all
about how you work it, how youwork the program.
(39:11):
If you're willing to put in thefootwork, then things can
grateful, things can happen and,like I said, I've accomplished
things that I never thought I'daccomplish.
You know, going back to school,you know, matter of fact, this
is actually one of the longestjobs I've held in a long time.
You know it's allowed me tohelp people.
I mean I've got.
(39:32):
You know, I mean, within thefirst six months that I've been
here, I experienced some prettyintense episodes.
I got to help talk a guy offthe bridge off the Kansas.
Avenue bridge back here you knowI understand where he was
coming from.
I mean, I've been exactly wherehe was.
No hope, nobody cares, ornothing like that.
And just to get him to comedown and talk to me and get him
no hope, nobody cares, ornothing like that, and just to
get him to come down and talk tome and get him.
(39:53):
You know, to this day I stillpray.
Maybe I'll run into him at ameeting or something like that
you know, but you know thingslike that.
You know, for me a lot of peoplethink blessings is money,
getting their wife, you know,getting their family back.
Whatever Blessing is just thatwarm feeling in your heart.
Speaker 3 (40:08):
You, you know anytime you can make somebody smile or
you're uplifting and stuff likethat you know, that's a blessing
to me and you know, you knowthat the lord is helping right,
he's shining through you right Ithink that's what's so
beautiful on those things.
Just like that.
You know it isn't tangible,it's just something where you
know the lord has used you tohelp someone else.
Speaker 6 (40:28):
And how incredible that's like everybody used to
tell me.
You know, god won't put toomuch on your plate that you
can't have, or God gives histoughest battles to his toughest
soldiers.
You know, and I look at thingsback in life and I was like,
well, I must be one toughsoldier because of what I've
been through.
But, you know, I've walkedthrough, I've walked through,
walked through the darkness tocome back to the light.
(40:48):
And I, you know, and and but ifwalk through the darkness to
come back to the light.
But if somebody would ask meabout my addiction and about
where I'm at today, my addiction, that monster inside me, is
like cancer.
It's in remission.
It can be awoken at any time.
Any bad trigger or somethinglike that.
But as long as I keep my faithin God, I can keep, you know,
(41:13):
and and put my trust in him andeverything like that.
I know I have a chance.
Yes, you know.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
For sure, and you've proven it.
The Lord is standing by you,mick, as you and you know so
much more about Billy than whatI even do, and I know a lot.
I respect Billy, I love Billy,I'm thankful for Billy, but I
know there's just a differentlevel of that from you, with him
(41:40):
directly reporting to you andbeing a part of your team.
What does one Billy mean to you?
And two, what does havingsomeone like Billy mean to this
team?
Speaker 4 (41:53):
Knowing Billy, like I do, Like you said, when he
first came in I was his casemanager.
He was here for a couple ofweeks and gone when he came back
.
I was actually the assistantdirector at that time and, you
know, kind of reestablished,tried to reestablish that
rapport and that trust with himagain.
Didn't know who Billy knew fromhis background, but we know a
(42:13):
lot of the people Just gettingto know Billy again.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
But why did that matter to you?
To get rapport with him and tobuild trust back.
Why does that matter to you?
Speaker 4 (42:25):
Because in order to help someone, you've got to have
the rapport with them.
I can go down the street andsay, hey, you need something to
eat, right, I don't care whatyou drive, I don't care what you
wear, it's just helpingsomebody.
Yeah, you know, as they comethrough the door, you can see
their struggles, as youmentioned, billy mentioned.
(42:45):
You can see it in their face,you can see it in their
characteristic when they comethrough the door.
Yeah, and you can see it intheir face.
You can see it in theircharacteristic when they come
through the door.
When I first started here, Iused to look at everybody and go
man, it's just like zombieswalking around, you know.
But so when I was incorrections, we always said we
want to rehabilitate everybody,rehabilitate them.
Well, if they've never beenhabilitated before, how can you
(43:08):
rehabilitate them?
Yes, you know so as they comethrough the door and you never
know the backgrounds or themental health or the addiction,
the depths they've been in,where they've come from or
brought themselves out of.
So you can always see hurt intheir eyes.
So to me it's important to justinvest in someone.
You're going to get out of themwhat you invest in them.
Right, we're going to get outof Jesus what we invest in Jesus
(43:29):
, right?
So when I've seen Billy comeback, it's like, okay, this is a
familiar face, I know he'sworked hard.
I don't know all his struggles,but it doesn't matter his
struggles, those aren't myunderstanding.
Those are God's understanding.
Yes, I'm just here as amissionary for Jesus to do what
(43:49):
I can to help his people.
So when I see a familiar facecome back in, let's try to build
that rapport again.
Let's acknowledge them.
I try to tell the team all thetime in our meetings.
Everybody wants to beacknowledged, even if it's to
say hey, how you doing, billy,how's it going, how's your day
going?
They can be receptive or not bereceptive, but at least I've
(44:11):
acknowledged them.
Yes, at least somebody has seenthem.
Yeah.
And they know they're seen.
Yeah, you know.
So seeing the film of yourfaces come back in Billy, I say
all these guys hold a huge partof my heart.
Uh-huh, they do.
Speaker 2 (44:24):
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh yep why cry all the time?
Speaker 4 (44:34):
yeah, because it's you know.
We all look at ourselves asburdens on somebody else.
But we're not, we're not.
If we're all the same, thenwhat would life be like?
Speaker 3 (44:49):
it'd be pretty boring it would be.
Speaker 4 (44:51):
Yeah.
So the humor of God, thedifferent challenges, whatever
it may be.
Some challenges are heartbeats,yeah, you know, but the
heartbeats that were created bythe same God that created me and
we're all equal.
It's the choices that some havemade, right, but I want to be
on the other side of that fenceso when they do come through
(45:12):
that gate, they do come throughthat door, they can see the
light of Jesus.
Speaker 3 (45:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:20):
Well, let me get myself together now.
You know I I know thatsometimes it sounds mushy and
there are tears that are shed,and I think it is because it is
such a rawness of what we do andwe try to communicate that as
(45:43):
much as possible.
But it's also something that'sso different when you're
experiencing it.
Staff here at TRM, we are notperfect.
We are walking our own journeys.
Some can relate with Billy's,some can relate to mine, some
can relate to Mick's or Miriam'sor Josh.
(46:03):
It's not really about the story.
It's about the importance of us, as staff members, being
vulnerable with our own story,to help other people latch on to
that and be able to help themheal on their own story, learn
things about their own story sothat, like Billy mentioned, we
(46:24):
go back into the war zone topull people out.
I think that is a beautiful yetheart wrenching example of what
we do here, and so when we goto talk about each other, that's
why we get the lump in ourthroats, because I wish I could
say that people just show up atour doors they say Hi, I'm
LaManda, I'm ready for healing,I'll do anything that you asked
(46:47):
me to do.
Here is all of the concerns Ihave and I will have them fixed
in 60 days.
That is not the case, and sowhat we get to do at TRM is some
of the 68 that God entrusts toconstantly speak of his
(47:14):
redemption.
That's incredible.
The other side of it issometimes we're like God, you
ready to put somebody else asone of the 68?
Because I'm tired and becausethis is hard, and am I doing it
wrong?
Or you hear of somebody whopasses away or gets injured or
overdoses, like all of thesedifferent things.
(47:35):
You see people who the systemis failing because it is so hard
to reacclimate to all of thesystems in our society and so it
is hard.
So if you look at our team andMick did a great job talking
about this we are so close onebecause we have to be, two
because we get to be, and sothat's how I view TRM as well.
(47:59):
That's why I'm protective ofTRM, that's why I advocate for
TRM and we'll continue to do so.
It's just incredible.
Speaker 3 (48:06):
And you know, Amanda, I think the.
Thing that is always in theforefront, or needs to always be
in the forefront of my mind, ifit sometimes slips away is, you
know, as people come back to uslike I may not have the same
struggles that Billy has or thatBilly has had, and yet I have
things that the Lord, I need togo to the Lord with as well,
(48:28):
right, I need to go to the Lordwith as well, right.
So every time I welcome Billyback, I have to be remembering
that the Lord is welcoming meback with whatever I might have
done, and my things may not beas obvious or as visible or as
public as what some of the folksdo that come back to us over
(48:49):
and over, but to God it's allthe same.
And so who would I be, or whowould any of us at TRM be, not
to welcome people back foranother opportunity to be with
the Lord?
Right, to potentially seethemselves in their lives in a
different way, because I know Iam granted that every single day
(49:10):
from the Lord.
So I have a responsibility totalk that person off the bridge,
right, because that's what theLord has done, right.
So I think it is this when Ithink about my time here at TRM.
I am also always thinking thatI have received so much more by
being an employee here than Ihave been able to give.
Speaker 2 (49:34):
Well said, well said.
You know.
I don't know if right now, youare listening to this and you
are resonating with the earlyBilly, the Billy that felt
abandoned.
The Billy that.
The Billy that felt abandoned.
The Billy that didn't have twoparents to raise him.
The Billy who was rebelliousbecause religion hurt it didn't,
(49:57):
it wasn't helping, it didn'tfeel good, it felt lost.
I don't know if you are rightnow resonating with the Billy
who said I'm done twice andwanted to take his life.
I don't know if you arelistening to this and you're
contemplating it.
And suicide does notdiscriminate.
(50:17):
Suicidal thoughts can happen tosomebody in a boardroom.
Suicide thoughts can happen tosomeone who's attending every
church service, and suicide canbe thoughts of somebody who is
experiencing homelessness,attempting to jump off the
Kansas Bridge.
If you are listening right nowand you you resonate with part
of Billy's story, please knowthat you too, with the power of
(50:39):
the Lord, have the ability toresonate with Billy's story now,
and that it is not alwaysbeautiful, it is not always easy
.
There is still a monster insideof him that is being
spiritually battled with theLord, and you too can have that
battle because you are worth it.
And our creator sent his son todie on the cross for you so
(51:02):
that you can have an eternitywith him and be transformed.
So please know that, whateverstruggle you are having,
regardless of your socioeconomicstatus, know that whatever
struggle you are having,regardless of your socioeconomic
status, regardless of yourexperiencing homelessness or not
, you might feel lost, but youare not a loss, and those are
two very different things.
And so, billy, thank you forbeing here, mick, thank you for
(51:23):
being here, thank you for thework that you do.
I am deeply sorry for thechallenges that you face in your
roles.
It is definitely a beautifulmess and I know the load is
heavy and has been pretty muchall year.
We jokingly say and seriouslysay we fit about five years
worth of challenges in the firstseven months of 2025.
(51:44):
But please know that the workthat you do, one doesn't go
unnoticed by me.
It doesn't go unnoticed by yourteams but, most importantly,
the Lord sees the war zone thatyou're in every day and it's
kind of like Daniel.
You know there were more man inthe fire than the one, and
that's how it is every day.
(52:05):
So if you are a listener, pleaseknow that, if you are in a
season where you are feelingsuccess and you are feeling
healing and redeeming and all ofthat that, billy is.
Please make sure you're workingfor the Lord and that you're
going back in the pits andyou're pulling people out.
If you're feeling like you'rein the pit right now, please
know you're not alone.
(52:25):
You're not the only one.
That's in a pit Positiondoesn't discriminate.
All of those things we haveall's in a pit Position doesn't
discriminate.
All of those things we have allbeen in a pit, are in a pit,
are going to go in a pit.
But what is incredible isthere's places like the Topeka
Rescue Mission and many otherplaces around here that are
showing you your life can betransformed with Christ and you
are made by the creator for anextremely important purpose and
(52:48):
you are an important person.
Have a blessed day.
Thank you for listening to ourcommunity, our mission.
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