August 20, 2024 • 61 mins
In this heartwarming episode of "Our Life Beyond," Scott Dibben and Connie King dive into the joyous side of life's transitions, focusing on Scott's recent engagement. Scott shares the intimate and thoughtful process behind proposing to his now-fiancée, highlighting the importance of keeping love alive through the little things, even after years together. The conversation also explores the challenges and excitement of blending lives, including the complexities of merging homes and lifestyles in midlife. Whether you're navigating a similar life change or just love a good proposal story, this episode offers plenty of insights and laughter.
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Episode Transcript
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Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Our Life Beyond the podcast where we explore how
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to navigate and hopefully thrive through some of life's biggest transitions. I'm your
co-host Scott Dibben and I've teamed up with my great friend and mentor Connie King to
share some stories, strategies, and insights that helped us adapt to the ever-changing
seasons of our life. Whether your life transition is divorce, death of a loved one, switching
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careers, moving to a new city, or just trying to figure out what the hell is next, where
with you every step of the way. But always remember, we're not therapists, just fellow
travelers with a knack for finding humor in the chaos. And maybe some untraditional method
of overcoming what life dishes out to us. Hopefully you'll have fun embarking on this
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journey. So now let's get started.
I want to give a special thank you to Habit Coffee for sponsoring us. So if you're local
to Springfield, you're probably aware of the miserable construction at Highway 60 and
Farm Road 125 heading into Rogersville. Yeah, right in the midst of all that progress is
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the Habit Coffee Company, a fantastic local, vagina-owned business. They're more than just
a coffee shop. They serve delicious scratch-made breakfast and lunch options. They have a state
and county-inspected kitchen, and they love catering events. While it might take a bit
of extra effort to reach them right now, they're excited about the upcoming expansion when the
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highway reopens this fall. Support the Habit Coffee Company and enjoy their incredible
offerings today.
Thank you so much, Habit Coffee.
Well, hello, Connie.
Nice to meet you.
How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
I'm good. What in the world is going on? What happened this weekend?
Oh, a lot of good stuff happened this weekend. Anything in particular you're looking for?
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I don't know. You tell me.
Oh, I propose to my girlfriend on Saturday. I guess that must be what you're talking about.
So it's funny because I'm sitting here looking at you, and I'm like, is this as excited as
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you get?
It really is.
It really is. And that's what's funny. I'm like popping out of the chair, and you're
like, yeah, I proposed to my girlfriend this weekend.
Well, yeah.
Now you have a fiancé. It's no longer girlfriend.
It's true. And that's going to be odd. That's going to be something I have to remember.
You're going to have to be odd.
Well, because during that time, you know, there's a very small window that you're allowed to
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make mistakes. And if you keep calling her a girlfriend like three months later, she's
going to start getting pissed off.
Yeah, no kidding.
I've got a transit. This is almost as bad as calling a woman the wrong name, I think.
Don't do that. Oh, geez. That is bad. So I think that's what we should talk about today,
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because so far our transitions have been a little depressing. And granted, I know a
lot of times transitions come because of hardships. But let's start talking about some of the
transitions that come from great stuff, like the fun, the happy, the good things that happen
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in life.
Sure.
So to start with yours, you asked Ellen to marry you.
I did, yes.
So now what do you think the transition is going to look like?
Oh, well, let's talk about the transition even up to that point, because me and her,
so me and her, when I say had different paths, what I mean is that she, she viewed life different
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than I did as far as how we would come together and be a family unit in a sense and go forward.
For a long time, my thought was, I have no reason for marriage. All it is is something
to sign over to the government, basically a piece of paper. And, you know, I didn't
see anything that was a value to either of us to be quite honest. And I know that seems
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harsh, but I was just trying to figure out how you keep, how you keep making sure that
you're the best person that you can be with this person. And I think by getting this piece
of paper and getting married, there's a good chance that people just are not their best
self afterwards from what I believe. Now, do I think I'm going to be that? No, of course,
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do I think she's going to be that? No, of course not, because I wouldn't have done this.
And tell me, do you, do you know what I mean by that? That it seems like as soon as people
get married or shortly after they kind of give up on having date nights on, you know, just,
just those little points that a lot of times you, you really focus on up into the point
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you get married. Absolutely. I think you start getting comfortable
and you start just letting go of the things that were really, really important in your
dating life or that made it fun. Sure. You know, Jeff just the other day said to me,
we've been so busy, we haven't been on a date night, let's do that. And I was like, oh,
I felt terrible, you know, because it is, it's something that we kind of got away from,
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but I understand and it's something you have to really work at. So yes, I get that. But
I also know I'm going to, I'm just going to say this because this is you and I, you and
Ellen are not the type of people who went into it trying to impress each other. You went
into it just being yourselves. And then, you know, what happened from that point on is
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what happened. You fell in love and now you were going to spend the rest of your life
together. And I love that, you know, nobody has to change for the other person. Nobody's
trying to impress. I think sometimes as we get older, we do that too. We just go, here
we are. Here I am. This is me. Take it or leave it.
Yes. And definitely we're not trying to impress each other. I mean, her life and my life
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fit very well together. She's very independent, which is what I was really looking for and
needing out of a person because I'm independent. I like to have my alone time. If I want to
be able to travel with one of my friends somewhere, I don't want to feel guilty leaving her at
home. And I won't and I don't because I mean, just for instance, this week, she's taken
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off for Colorado with some friends to climb a mountain. And I absolutely love that she's
doing that with her friends and that she's doing things that make her happy that is not
just centered around me because that puts a lot of pressure on that person. Also, if
you are the core of what makes the other person happy, I think that it's a lot of pressure.
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And I just, that's not what I wanted. And I know that's not what she wants either because
she's almost identical to me. Except a little more emotion.
Yeah. She definitely has that. She's definitely a better overall person, a better, more well-rounded
person with emotions and everything than I am. But yeah, it was cool. So let me tell
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you, let me tell you why, I guess. I went ahead and decided I was going to propose,
even though I mean marriage to me, I didn't feel like was something that I needed or had
to have. She wanted it more than me, but she was also, it was very cool because she was
also okay with, well, we'll figure it out as we go along. We're going to be together.
And that's really what she was concerned about. We're going to be together. That's what she
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wanted. If it had that piece of paper or not, I mean, I do think that she would later on
have pushed up maybe a little harder for it. But I've went on a lot of trips with Ellen.
Last year, I do these crazy-ass trips at least once a year. And we decided we were going
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to go to Turkey. And anybody that travels with me, I had another friend that traveled
with me and he's like, holy shit, you know, I can't believe what you tried to pack into
this time. So we went to Turkey and we, I want to say we visited seven different places.
I wanted to drive a car over there. I don't like, I like to do that stuff. So we rented
a car. We were on a train for a while. I think we visited seven different places. We drove
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1,600 miles and basically would stay two nights everywhere. And I'm not saying she didn't
want that, but it was a trip that I'm like, I want to do all this stuff. And all the way
through this, there was a lot of stress because we'd stopped by a gas station and you would
start, oh, nobody understands me. I'm pumping gas, you know. And there's always that concern
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of you're an American in a foreign country like that, you know, somebody kidnapping you
or her. And it was really, really cool. The whole time we were over there, she kind of
watched my Mac and I watched hers and she being military, she probably has a little
more spidey sense than they do when something's coming up. But it was cool. We never, we never
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got hateful with each other. We never screamed and hollered. And I was just thinking after
that trip, I'm like, holy shit, if I can spend that many days and we had a couple miserable
experiences, we spent one night on a train from Turkey to Bulgaria, an overnight train
where they stopped, I want to say five times and you had to show your passport, you had
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to get off the train at one point. And I didn't even wake up for most of it. She took care
of all that except when she had to drag me off. So all this time, she absolutely, she
was amazing as far as just kind of roll with the punches. We'll figure it out. If something
went wrong, there was one point that we were supposed to get a train and the train was
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full, we couldn't get tickets. And we're like, we'll run a car. I mean, she just never got
stressed out about anything. So that was cool. And that was probably the first point when
I said, okay, this is the person. And then along with that, there's a ton of other stuff.
I mean, you've got, I've got my son and if somebody's not going to be good with my son
and his partner, then I mean, that's tough for me as you can imagine in any relationship.
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She, she's amazing with him.
They like her more than they like you.
Hell yes. That's a little, it's a little frustrating, but no, it's true. She, she has, yeah, she's
really formed a unique relationship with them and the friends, you know, I'm huge into my
friends. I love my friend groups. They are like my family. They really are. And every
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one of them, well, you know, Connie, everybody in that group, I think would say that she,
you know, she fits perfect in the group.
She fits perfect. Yeah.
So, and to finish this up on Mike, just a several weeks ago, we went to New York City
and New York City, we took my son and his partner to New York and we did some crazy
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stuff. She found things that they would like that I had no idea. I mean, you know, it's
one of those, I'm a 53 year old guy trying to entertain a 26 year old in New York. I
really thought that we'd probably have separate interest. So I'm like, you guys can do anything
you want. But between Ellen and them figuring out what we were doing, hell, I mean, I enjoyed
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it, but I enjoyed doing things that they liked. We went to a burlesque show in Brooklyn and
I'm like, I would have never even considered this. And all along the way, she's just like,
I'm booking this and we're doing this. So it also, it also on some trips, it makes me
or it lets me be able to relax knowing there's somebody else that can help figure out stuff.
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And it's not just on me. So we get back from New York after that. And I'm like, you know,
I know what she, I mean, I do know that she wanted a ring. I believe she wanted to get
married and all that. I'm like, this is stupid that I've not already pushed forward and done
this. So I went to a local, well, I went to three local jewelry places. And interestingly
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enough, one of her really good friends knew what type of ring she wanted, which is very
unique. She wanted a solitaire, but it had to be very low profile because of her work.
She putting on gloves and stuff like that. She didn't want something that would tear
the gloves when she put some on. So I had to go around and find, and it was so interesting
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because every place I went into and would tell them what I want, they, I mean, nobody
has it. So I found one place we ended up, I had to order it and it took about six weeks
to get in. And typically I'm not great at keeping surprises, but I mean, I'm giving
myself kudos now because I absolutely kept a surprise for six weeks.
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Nice. Well, do you want to tell us about the proposal too? Well, first of all, so I can
join in on this part because now it was something that you and I shared a lot of. So Scott was
telling me, first of all, he's telling me about the ring. Then he sends me the ring,
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the picture, not the ring itself. He sends me the picture and it's really beautiful.
You know, I think it would be perfect for everything she asked. And then I said, okay,
how are we going to, how are we going to ask her? And he was like, well, that's so tattling
on you.
No, you can't.
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Well, I thought it'd be kind of funny if we acted like I was breaking up with her kind
of and then all of a sudden surprise her. No. Oh God, no, don't do that. And you were
like, really? Yes, don't like that would be the ultimate emotional roller coaster. You
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know, happy, happy, happy time. And so then I went and said to Jeff, oh, this is what
he's thinking about doing. And Jeff was like, no, don't do that. So then you came up with
this beautiful idea and I want you to talk about that.
And you know, once again, I have great friends that will help me develop plans and ideas.
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And you helped with this because, you know, we started talking about what she would like.
I mean, you started me down that path, which you want to do it in front of a bunch of people
by herself. And I had to, she's got one best friend that I contact on all that stuff, of
course, that I kept in contact. And we decided, well, it probably needed to be more personal
at her house. And you kept digging into what she's done that I could almost reciprocate
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to her. And one of the things that she does that is absolutely amazing. Anytime I'm traveling
or anytime she's traveling now, now I say this, of course, and it'll never happen again.
But she leaves these little notes. I mean, I will, and I travel internationally or I
used to travel a lot. I slowed down a little bit, but anytime I would travel even international,
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it would be nothing for me to at 7am, get into my hotel room and unzip my check bag and go
through and start taking things out. And there'd be a note from her saying how proud she was
and all this stuff, you know, she was going to miss me and, you know, do your shit and
come home. Basically, it's how she'd put it. And then sometimes she, whenever she left,
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last time when she left, I went to crawling bed and I pulled the cover back and on my
pillow, she had left a note about, you know, she's leaving, she's gonna be going on this
one, but she's always leaving notes. And I always thought it was cool and it was awesome
because it's a handwritten note. It's not even, you know, something you just print out.
So she takes a lot of extra, you know, a lot of extra care to make sure that she lets you
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know how important to her I am. So I just wanted to circle back and try and at least
give her a little bit of that, which I'm not good at, as you know, Connie, emotions are
not my thing. They just aren't. So what I did, which anybody that wants to steal this,
you can absolutely have it. I think it's a great idea because Connie said, you should
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do something like that. So what I ended up doing was I went out to her, I went and stayed
at her house the night before, which was Friday. And I talked to her best friend Angie. I
said, you need to take her hiking tomorrow morning because I need her out of the house
and I'm going to plant these notes all around like a treasure map. And in the end, I had
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also bought some M&Ms that said, want to get married. That was on the back. So I said,
I've got the M&M. So I've got everything you take her hiking on a short hike. And when
you get back, I'm going to have one of them on the front door when she comes in that it
was a cute little note that just talked about, which is 100% true, you know, that walking
through this door, you know, you've gave me experiences, food experiences at this point
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because that's a kitchen. You know, I've tried stuff I have never tried things I probably
wouldn't have without you. And you know, you're such a blessing, yada, yada, yada. And then
it was a map though, and it shows a little map up in the corner. And it said, for your
next clue, and I basically said, at the end of this hunt, you're going to find something
that you're going to really like. And then I put in parentheses. Yes, it's candy, which
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it was. So I tried to get it off my scent and my truck wasn't parked out there anymore
because she thought I was leaving to go ride in a motorcycle, but I just hit it. So the
second one, it said, you know, go to the room where we were we sat and rest of a night,
yada, yada, yada. And it was the living room. So she wandered to the living room and there
was a note and we talked to and it was just a note about we shared a lot of experiences
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here. We've watched a bunch of trash TV and we've watched some good TV. And you know,
once again, there was some mush in there and it said, you know, I really appreciate you.
And you know, for the next clue, go to where you basically where you work, but I, you know,
it was a clue. And then down at the bottom, I said, hand, it's your office. So she goes
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into her office and I talk about how proud I am of the work she does, which she does
amazing work. And I'm telling you, I don't know. I always feel bad because I think she
puts like 150% into her work and I put like 70% or 80. And I always think, man, if, if
everybody could be, could put as much into their work as she does, but she, she loves
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her work. She appreciates it. She just, she thinks it's, it's so important to her. So
I just, you know, I said, you're, you're an inspiration to me. I love what you're doing.
You're trying to save dogs, you know, you're, you're trying to do this. And for the next
clue, I said, go to where you lay your head of a night. And then on the door, I had shut
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the bedroom door and there was a really nice note about, you know, us coming together sooner
or later in behind this door, you know, as your prize. And she opened it up and I had
basically a handful of M&Ms. I poured into her hand and I told her to read it. Of course,
she didn't have her readers on and M&Ms are really small. So it took a minute for her
to figure out what it said. And she did a little bit of jumping up and down. And then
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I grabbed the ring and I'd kind of slid the ring under a cover. So she didn't see it.
And I gave her the ring and asked her. So we've got a few pictures. It was, it was a
cool experience. And what's interesting, I had never asked anybody to get married because
my last marriage, we had lived together for like five years. And it was just one of those
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things where like, Hey, we should probably get married. You know what I mean? And it
was just almost everyday conversation. And talking to Ellen, she had the same thing.
She said, no one's ever proposed to me. And I'm like, you've been married before, but
it's just, you know, I think, I think we're getting far too relaxed in some of the things
we do as humans, especially guys. And I don't know that sometimes we understand how much
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those moments are appreciated by the other person.
Yeah, they are. They make you feel really, really important. I can, I can attest to that.
Yeah.
One that was just, it was just a decision like, oh, let's go do it. It's going to make life
easier. And then one where somebody actually asks, it's like, Oh, they won't be, oh my
goodness, you know, it's that kind of thing. So, and I'm going to comment because we had
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a party last night.
Yeah.
To celebrate this. And one of the funniest things was that Ellen was telling me, she's
like, yeah, it ended up being like a old person proposal. And I was like, what? And
she said, yeah. So what happened was Angie was supposed to be videotaping it and didn't
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get her phone on video. And then when you gave her like the M&Ms or whatever, she had
to go find her readers.
Yeah, she couldn't read them.
Yeah. So you just kept going through some funny little things that happened. And I just
was checking.
Yeah.
And she's not even asked if I got down on one knee and she's like, no, we're 53 years
old. We probably can't get on our knees and back. Well, I'm 53, she thought.
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That's funny.
Well, congratulations.
Now, I, yeah, I appreciate it. And you know, my, I do want to also talk about another thing.
It was so interesting being at my age, getting ready to propose, you know, I don't know what
the standards are in the world now. Do you ask the mom that that, you know what I mean?
It's, it's a weird thing, especially she's been married before and I had to. And that
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was almost more complicated for me than the proposal. And what I mean is I didn't want
anybody to fill left out. I wanted everybody to know, because we were having the engagement
party Saturday night. She couldn't know anything about it because we weren't getting engaged
until that morning. So I had to tell everybody up front, Hey, this is what's happening. And,
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I kept, you know, and I was trying to do it, not in a huge group because a lot of people
miss communications in a group or our group. So I was trying to do it one on one. Yes. So
I was trying to do it one on one. And I would, I would mention stuff. And then I'm like, did
I forget somebody? And then I had to go to her daughter, which lives in Vegas now. And
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I wanted her to know because I'd told my son, then I told one of her brothers. So it was
just, it was really weird. I had to tell my brother and I'm like, do you, do you, are
you supposed to tell everybody before you propose or do you do it afterwards? It was
so confusing to me to be honest. But what's, so what was, what happened is after I proposed,
I mean, nobody was surprised because everybody knew it was happening except for her.
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Right. Yeah. That was, it was a good night last night to celebrate you guys. It was very
fine. She was, you could tell, extremely happy. And in fact, I had a conversation with her
and I don't know who mentioned it. One of our other friends maybe said something about
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you didn't want to just date forever. And Ellen said, no, I'm a wife. I've in my heart, I
meant to be a wife. And she's like, you know, from the get go, I told Scott one day I want
to get married again. You know, that was just it. Period. And I love that she's so strong
and she knows where she's at and she has boundaries. And yeah, she was, but she was thrilled.
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She was so happy. And along with that, she's patient. I mean, she never put pressure on
me. I don't want anybody to think she did because she didn't, she didn't expect this
at all. She didn't. You know, Connie, that we're, we've got two houses, me and her.
I'm trying to redo mine. We need to redo hers because we want to live in her. She's
got a small farm. So we want to redo that house, which is taking more time to even
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get somebody to, to draw up plans for us than what I wanted.
But stop there, stop there because I want to talk about this after transition because
that's the bigger transition than the asking. Okay.
And yeah, I think it's probably the most when I say not critical, it's the part where
more emotions come out. Of course. Of course. So let's start there because
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you've made this decision. You two are going to get married. Yes.
You both live in different places. And this is as adults. These, you know, at our age,
most people have been through a marriage or two or three or however many. And now you're
getting back together with somebody. How do you make that transition happen to number
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one, keep yourself safe. And I hate saying that, but you know, you don't want to marry
somebody and give away your life savings if it didn't work out. We're smart enough now
to know that there are some emotions that have to go out the window and you have to
be smart about it. Yeah.
What are the big transitions that are going to happen in this relationship moving forward
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now? So you mentioned your house. So you guys are moving in together and what's that going
to look like? Yeah. So we're going to, I need to finish my house, but she also doesn't want
to sell it quite yet because if, if there's enough remodeling at her house, we may have
to stay in mind while that happens. And she's got pets and stuff. So we would have to bring
out here, which will be a little more complicated. As soon as we get everything drawn up, it's
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really not been an easy process because she is remote. I'm remote. And she always tells
me whenever she's at my house, she's like, man, you talk loud. She's like, I can't even
have you in the same house. I don't think so. We're really trying to figure out and navigate
what that's going to look like because I'm a hundred percent remote. She's 85% remote.
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She's got a small office in town, but I mean, it's used for, for its purposes and she's
there occasionally, but not a lot. So she does have an old milk barn that's got a sectioned
off room that I am considering, okay, maybe I just need to go in, redo it and put a, you
know, a mini split unit to heat it or for heat and air and, and just finish it out,
which probably wouldn't be too much. And I also like being separated from the house when
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I work because for me, where I, where am I right now? I feel like I kind of live in my
work because my work's right there on the same floor where I'm at. I can hear an email
deem. So we're trying to navigate that because what's interesting that I've never had Connie
and I know that you haven't either. Maybe now that is her forever home. I've never considered
a home forever home. Everything to me has always been an investment. Is it going to
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make money or can I at least, you know, if we spend $80,000, it's got to at least be
worth 80,000 more. And I can't look at it that way going forward because that is her
forever home. She does not want to move. There's some land besides, she's probably going to
purchase, but besides that, I mean, that's her home. So it's going to be interesting
because I'm still going to be the guy that wants to make sure that, you know, it's worth
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whatever we spend and she's not going to care about that.
Right. Yeah.
And you also know, yeah. And you also know that remodel in the house, you just did this,
remodel in the house puts a lot of strain on a relationship. I would expect.
It does not. It does not. I think it does. You do this all the time.
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We do it all the time. So it was more fun to do our own house than to do other houses
that we're either going to rent out or that we're going to remodel. But when it's your
own, there is a camaraderie that comes into play. When it's a flip house or, you know,
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an investment house, the thing that I'm doing is what you were just doing. How much are
we paying for it? How much is that going to, you know, how much value can I get out of
it? Can I raise the rents enough to pay for this over a short amount of time? Those are
the things going through my head or, you know, how much am I going to make over the cost
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if I sell it?
This house was not like that where I was not crazy frivolous. I wasn't frivolous at all.
Jeff and I really worked together to make things happen on that. So, but that's what
we do is for a living. Gia and Ellen are separate. Like you each have your own jobs. So coming
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back to a mess every night or coming back to making decisions every night, you're probably
going to get tired and you're going to be like, let's just burn the house down and
like, just find something.
Yeah. And that I fully expect. I've built a house while being married in a previous
marriage and I've remodeled some. And it's been pretty stressful if the two people have
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different ideas on what something's going to look like. If you want oak doors and they
don't, you know, what can happen is the more you get overruled and you let it finally,
you start getting pissed off about the stupid little stuff. So I do know, I do know this
is going to be interesting because we have, I don't really have a style. I just say, I
don't like that or I do like this. And I don't think honestly, I don't think I've got a style,
(29:39):
but she does. So I do have to watch that. And I've gave her so much grief about, you
know, all the art I'm going to bring in and stuff. And she's like, hell no, no, you can
have one room, maybe. But I've, I've said it very kidnily, of course. But she, she,
she will figure out or we will figure all that out. It's just going to take time. I
(30:01):
don't know how long we're probably looking at six months to a year, but we also, we don't
have any date in mind for the marriage. So we've got time financially. Have you guys
discussed financially how you're going to work out? And are you going to have trust?
Are you going to have, I mean, what's going to happen financially? Yeah. So come together.
(30:24):
Both of us, when we look at each other, this is so interesting. And I don't know, I could
have scripted this any better if I would have sat down and wrote it in a book. But me and
her make almost the exact same income coming into this. Me and her, I have got a decent
retirement just through some 401ks. And I've got a check in account savings account, just
(30:47):
the normal stuff people have. But it's almost a complete balance because on her side, she's
done military for, I think 15 years, I think she's got five years left in it. So she gets
a full retirement out of military. She expects that. And along with that, she, the company
she works for, she gets, I'm going to call them stock options. That's not exactly what
(31:08):
they're called because they're not on the market right now. But I mean, she has the
potential to have a retirement honestly, 10 times the size of mine. She has that potential,
but she also has just like any, anything in the stock market, it could go to nothing.
So I need to talk to her and she's such a good person that she sees the best in everybody.
(31:34):
And I would never take advantage of her, but I do want her to feel protected and that I'm
not just coming in to take the stuff. And I don't want, you know, and it goes back to
family and everything else. You don't want her family. And I'm not saying they ever
would think I was doing that, but, but it is nice. It is so nice. Walking into a relationship
where you're, you're really equal. I mean, if, if we go to eat somewhere, if I go to
(32:00):
the bathroom, she just pays for it, you know, it's vice versa. And I don't worry about,
oh, I should get this because I make more money. You know, when, whenever you're separated
out, sometimes that happens, but it doesn't with us at all. I mean, she'll say she wants
something and I'll just get on Amazon and order it for her and it'll come to her house.
She sends because apparently I have no style. I mean, she'll buy, she'll buy shoes and clothes
(32:23):
for me that'll show up on my front porch and I'll have to call her and go, Hey, is this
supposed to come to me or what? And she's like, yeah, you needed these. So it's just nice
because I'm not supporting anybody. I don't have to support anybody, of course. And, and
we, I think we're, we're going to come into this very healthy because of that. The trust,
(32:43):
see that's something that I want me and her to sat down with someone like you, Connie,
that have, you, you've went through this, you know what you can and can't do. And I don't
have that expertise. Do we need her trust? Yeah. Because everything I hear a wills not
enough. You really need a trust. So I want to get that figured out probably sooner than
later. But I also want to point out another thing for anybody out there that's going
(33:06):
on. I don't need a piece of paper to prove I'm with the person. The same thing I was
saying, and it is the exact same thing. What she along the way was pointing out to me,
which is true. I'm 53 years old. I could be in the hospital tomorrow. She can't make decisions
for me. Now she would be beside my, you know, I mean, in a sense, she, she's not married
to me. So she, if, if I was unconscious or, you know, in a coma, she can't make decisions
(33:29):
for me. She can't, she can't do that right now. So I think it's important that you find
somebody that you absolutely trust because this is the person that basically can pull
the plug. If you just either sat down and be able to tell them, you know, when, which
is one, another thing, one of the books that me and you have shared back and forth. That's
on Amazon that we probably should put a link to is a book that you fill out with all your
(33:54):
passwords, all of everything that you, everything that's private to you. And then you disclose
what you want to do with it when you pass away. And that's a book I could hand over
to her. I think it's called, I'm dead now. What is that?
Just call it. Yeah, I'm dead now. What, but you have to have it. Somebody you trust.
Yeah. You have to have somebody you trust to give that to. So that's a book I would
(34:15):
hand, you know, hand over to Ellen and she would take care of all that. And you just,
you have to have the right people. Yeah. And I'm going to say something about a piece of
paper. I think that's a bunch of bullshit to say, Oh, it's just a piece of paper. It
doesn't mean anything. I think it does. I think, well, I know for me what it did was
(34:36):
it changed my mindset. So my first marriage to Rob, we dated for six years. We were together
six years and we knew that we were going to be together and we were doing that all, you
know, that, Oh, we don't have to get married. I mean, we don't have to have this piece of
paper, blah, blah, blah. And what forced us to get married was so absurd. We got pregnant,
(35:02):
planned. We were unmarried, planned pregnancy. It was getting close to time to have Connor
and the hospital had had a, I don't know, I think it was an attempted abduction of a
baby by a stranger. So they had really buckled down on security in the nursery. And we found
(35:28):
out some of what you had to go through and had my name been different than Rob's name.
It was going to be just a mess for him to get in and visit and do all this and blah,
blah, blah. So about a month before Connor was born, we got married. And I think about
(35:50):
that now because throughout my marriage, that piece of paper is what kept me there. And
what I mean by that is I was sit there and I think, shit, this is getting really hard.
I hate him. He hates me right now. You know, you have those moments in marriage. And if
I could just leave, I would have just up and left and had no thought about it. Like, I
(36:16):
mean, I say that it just would have been something that you could leave in the dust. But then
I thought, oh, crap, I'd have to go through a divorce. And then this would happen. And
then it makes you think of the consequences of your actions actually, because you have
to slow down and you have to think about it. And so I do think that paper is a great idea.
(36:37):
I mean, I do. So for me, it changed my mindset in that when I didn't like being in a marriage,
I was going to stick it out and I was going to stay there because I would stop and think
about the alternative and I'd be like, huh, had I have not done that, there were probably
a lot of times I would have just run off and been like, screw it.
(36:58):
I'm going to give you a different side to it, though, that I mean, I think I can, I
can fight the other side. Okay, let's hear it. And I do. First of all, I want to say
I agree with everything you said. Having that piece of paper makes you put more effort in
to making sure that if you're going to leave your, you know, it's for the reason, so the
(37:19):
right reasons, I guess. But also, some people get a marriage and it's that safety factor
that keeps them there. It's not necessarily the love and the generosity. It is, it is the
I, do you know what it would take to split up all the assets? Do you know what it would
(37:40):
take? And, and then when I do that, I'm going to, you know, can I even survive by myself?
And it becomes, in my opinion, a legal contract more than a marriage. And I call, I, I fucking
hate that because I know people and have known people that I believe stay married because
it's just easier to stay married than the not. Are they happy? No. But do they stick
(38:04):
it out because they're married? No, they stick it out because it's too hard not to be married.
Okay. And I don't like that. And that's the reason if you can walk into a marriage every
day, if, if, I mean, if I could walk in and Ellen's there and you know that she has no
tied to you. I mean, after years, don't get me wrong, she's going to, she has a tie to
(38:27):
you. But I mean, she has no piece of paper that's going to make her wait 30 days and
do all this stuff before you get divorced. It makes you that I think it makes you a better
person in a sense. I walk in and I know that she can choose anything she wants. And I know
that she has, you know, she's choosing me at that moment and that she doesn't have to
(38:49):
because we don't have that contract. And I do think there's a beautiful thing that five
years later, if you're still in that same relationship, she's choosing you every day.
I don't know.
So that is, that is a beautiful thought. It really is. But there are some days that you're
not going to choose each other because 10 years down the road, you're going to be sick
of that person. And so those days that you don't want to choose them, you better hope
(39:14):
that in 15 more days after you calm down a little bit, then you can start choosing them
again.
What way to give me a positive outlook on what's ahead of me, Connie. Damn you. And
10 years, you guys are going to stand each other.
Oh, that's too funny. So, well, that's the thing is, so you have, what other transitions
(39:35):
are you guys going to be going through? I'm trying to think, boy, Jeff and I didn't go
through a lot of transition when we got married because we did it when we were dating.
Yeah. Honestly, the biggest thing I think hurdle that we're worried about is not the
house. It's the coexisting in the house because we're both going to work there. I mean, imagine
(39:56):
and you do have this, of course, Connie, but you have a little more distance working with
your husband every day and living with them and it being in that exact same house. I have
not ever had to do that with anybody else. I've always just been the only one remote.
So, I mean, that's a challenge. That's something that we, I think we're going to have to be
very careful and very thoughtful on what we do. You know, we could, I could get an office
(40:22):
in the Springfield vicinity where we're at and I could go into an office every day, but
I mean, human nature and laziness, you're going to quit going into an office unless you
have to. If you've got a place that you can do it from your house, you're going to get
up 15 minutes before that meeting, throw some clothes on and you're going to go to the meeting.
I mean, from my experience. So, I think that we're going to have to build something that
(40:48):
really will be that forever house because somebody else may look at it and go, why the
hell would I ever want to buy it if it's got, you know, two offices that sound proof that
whatever the hell we end up with, I don't know. But that's going to be the, I think
the biggest struggle because she's been in my life right now for a few years. So, I think
we've, you know, I think we've went through a lot of the hurdles that maybe some new people
(41:13):
getting married might have, which is trying to figure out who that person is. Do you,
how can you trust them? You know, who are they friends with and how do you guys bond?
How does all the friends bond? How do I bond with her friends? She bond with my, you know,
we've went through all of that. So, I think as you're older, you get more realistic. I
remember being young and thinking, oh my gosh, this is what my marriage is going to look
(41:36):
like. This is what's going to be happening. This is that, you know, just and then the
real marriage hits as an adult or at 53 years old, I guess I was 51, I guess when Jeff and
I got married. I was very realistic about it. I was like, yeah, I'm madly in love with
(41:57):
this man. But you know, what happens on the days he has royally pissed me off? What happens
on the days, and I'll give you an example. He's got restless lake syndrome. So, I'm
an amazing sleeper. He is up constantly. Well, what's happened over the last couple of months
is it's now starting to affect my sleep. And so, I realized that, you know what? We ordered
(42:25):
a separate bed. It's so sad. But at the same time, there's a reality to it where it's like,
one of us is going to have to sleep in a different bed on certain nights. Like if he wakes me
up, I can go sleep on that bed in a different room because I would rather do that and have
a really beautiful friendship and calm friendship just like what you said, you know, she chooses
(42:50):
me every day. Well, we can get through some of those obstacles that we know will happen.
We may not know exactly what the obstacle is, but the older, I think age brings that
education to us. So, we expect some of it more than I did when I was younger. And I think
(43:12):
that transition is huge also. So, when you're talking about that, you guys are already planning
for things that you know might piss you off.
Yeah. I need some advice from you on something. You know, we've talked about therapy. I went
through therapy. You're still going through some therapy. I said from the beginning, when
(43:34):
I find somebody, I think that I need to have couples therapy from that point for at least
a while as that transition happens. I also know that I've been with her for a couple
years and we've never done the couples therapy. We seem to be doing very well without it.
What are your thoughts? Should a person get couples therapy right off the bat or do you
(43:58):
try and figure it out on your own until it gets to a point you need somebody to intervene?
That may never get to that point.
I don't have an opinion about that. And here's why. I think that is such a personalized thing.
Therapy in and of itself is so personalized that I sit there and I think, what if you
guys went to therapy and it opened up. It's almost like the what if game. I used to do
(44:25):
this with Jeff and I have really had to train myself not to do it because it drove him crazy.
So I'd say, I don't know, I'm going to make something up really absurd. What if your ex-wife
came back and just begged you to go back with her? And he's like, what? I hate her. Why
(44:45):
would I do that? But it's that kind of thing where he's like, why are you even, why is
that even in your head? So I wonder if therapy has a tendency to do some of that sometimes.
I don't know. I've never been in couples therapy. So if you're going before there's any problems
and they say, how would you handle this situation? And that situation hasn't happened, but it
(45:08):
plants a seed to somebody going, could that happen? Would that happen? What would happen?
You know, so I don't know. I don't know how I feel about that. I think the two of you
have to really just decide. I'm of the mindset that you go when you need it, but you hit
(45:28):
it pretty early. I love therapy. So it's not something I go, oh, let's not do it until
it's really bad. I'm like, that's kind of a problem. Let's go.
Another thing that I've read that some couples do that seem to be successful. And once again,
I'm not going to say we will or won't do it. It's pretty interesting that they say throughout
(45:49):
the week, anything that comes up, just jot it down on a piece of paper and it could just
be slight irritations or a wish you quit or keeping your socks in the limer, whatever
that is, but, but don't nag all week on somebody as those little things happen.
Have one night, there was a couple of counselors that basically talked about one night, they
(46:11):
would go and they would walk around their subdivision and that was their 35 minutes to
talk through the issues of the week. And they would all bring up what happened that week,
good and bad. It was like, it was almost like a, you know, in some senses, it was,
you know, to tell them, look, you know, look, look what I've been able to accomplish this week.
(46:31):
I've done this and this and this, but at other times it is, these are the things that you've
done that annoyed me this week. I kind of liked the approach because then you're not,
it's not, doesn't feel like that you're getting nagged over socks today and forgetting to put,
you know, fresh water in the dog boat or more. It may be if you just bundle it all up on a Friday
(46:52):
night as you walk around the, um, fold the sack, maybe that's the way to do it. I don't know.
What are your thoughts? That idea. Here's why I hate that idea because I have the memory of a
nat and so you fucking write it down on a piece of paper. Well, but Excel chart. Yeah.
That you think I'm going to actually walk to a notebook and be like, he didn't put his socks
(47:13):
up. No, I'm going to be like, oh, damn it. He didn't put his socks up. And then I'm going to go in
the other room and completely forget it where Jeff would write it down. And then on Friday,
I'd be sitting there with an empty piece of paper because I couldn't remember anything.
And then he'd be going through this list and I'd be like, I'm a piece of shit.
That's how I feel like with that. So I don't love that. But I mean, you need to find what
(47:37):
bits, you know, I'll tell you something that has worked so great with Jeff and I. And
it was weird how it started. One morning when we were dating, we just started like we would
slow dance in the mornings. And we have kept that tradition. And I will tell you, there was
a couple of days in a row that we did not dance. And I felt so disconnected with him for the rest
(48:04):
of the day. And then when we came back to it, one morning we danced and I was just like,
this is it. This is the connection. And all it is is a sweet dance. We have, you know,
a playlist, pick a song. And we dance every morning. And it just gives us time to either
(48:26):
talk while we're dancing, but we're touching and we're looking in each other's eyes. And it's just
a real kind of a vulnerable moment, but it's also a real connecting moment. And so instead of talking
about belly aching about things or how to handle problems, that I think has helped us
(48:47):
understand that those problems aren't very big in reality. They're the little things where our
love and our connection is really the bigger piece of this.
Well, see, Connie, you can bundle these two. You guys could slow dance. You're really close
to each other and then tell each other what pissed you off last night about him.
(49:08):
I'm sure that would go over well. We love each other then.
No, that is, I could see where that consistency and just having that repeated every day, I could
see where you would miss it, especially if it was gone for a couple of days, because I do know
occasionally he'll travel to see his son or has in the past and you'll go travel for a few days to
(49:33):
visit friends. So I do know you guys spend a little bit of time apart. And I bet that is
yeah, something that you kind of miss when you get up.
It is. But so I think the thing about this podcast today, you and I have talked so much about some
really sad transitions, because I think sadness brings out strength in a lot of people.
(49:58):
You know, it makes us change when we have those
well and those obstacles. I hate to say it, but you remember more details about the sad
hard ones than you do the easy happy ones. And that is true, because you have to come up from
the depths pretty much. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that was why I wanted to talk a little
(50:21):
bit about this, because I also know there's so many happy transitions or happy life changes
that also, I mean, it's almost guaranteed. I know this happened for me that after Jeff and I got
married, and after I experienced the fairy tale love, I'm a different person. And you know, some
(50:46):
ways are better. In my mind, they're all better. But I know some people look at me and they go,
oh, you're not, you're not working as hard, you're not doing and I'm thinking, no, I'm not.
But happy life changes can be really beautiful transitions too.
Yeah, I agree. And I know you're, I mean, you're in the season of your life right now that you
(51:10):
are enjoying life more than work. And that's not a bad thing, Connie. I mean, the way you're set up
is that that will, that will work well for you. You'll still pull income in. And it gives you,
it gives you that time to figure out how you're going to create life with Jeff, because every day,
I mean, you guys are still figuring this out every day. You're new. So I do, I love that for you.
(51:33):
Also, I think before we get off here, we should probably, we should probably kind of reintroduce
what maybe what we're going to go forward with the podcast doing. I can start if you want,
but I know we've talked a few conversations around it. So yeah, I'll start it off and pass it over
you. So we've, we've had really quite a few followers. I look at our episodes every day,
(51:59):
of course, because I'm a numbers person and it goes up every day. We've got really,
really strong numbers. And what we have heard and what we keep hearing is people that want to come
on to the podcast and share their story. And this is really, this was what we wanted, but we didn't
know if we could transition quickly to it. But I think we're going to be able to, we've had,
I know you've had at least two or three additional people. I've had some come to me and say,
(52:23):
I would love to do a podcast on, you know, me going through the transition and how it worked. So
I think, I think we, we want to reintroduce that this podcast, while we're going to be
just me and Connie on a few of them going forward, also expect that we're going to have
quite a few guests on here. Yeah, I think that's what's happened is we have really started to learn
(52:46):
that people want to tell their stories and tell their survival and their strength stories.
And our hope is just that one of our listeners hears even just a tidbit that helps them go,
oh, that makes sense. Even if you don't have anything in common with the story, your son last
(53:10):
night actually said something to me. He said, you know, something you said on the podcast really
resonated with me. And he said, you know, I don't want to stay stuck. I don't want to stay,
you know, in this one place. And we were kind of talking about that. And I thought, isn't that fun
and beautiful that just that one little thing helped him go, oh, that's a point. You know,
(53:41):
we have some amazing guests coming on. The people I think that we have coming on make me feel
like I've accomplished very little in my life. And what I can say by that is
they have risen from the ashes. Really, really, things I don't think I could ever do. And yet
(54:06):
they want to share their story. And I, yeah, now that we're videotaping, you're probably going to
see a lot more tears from me, you know, because it's just such a, people are just really,
really amazing to me. And what they do. So I think that is something we're going to have,
(54:29):
we're going to be doing. I will tell you a lot of the people, and this was something that you
and I had to discuss was we have had a lot of people from the LGBTQ community. Absolutely. Come
out. And I know that Jesse did hers, her podcast. But I feel like that is a,
(54:58):
that is society is not the right word. That is a group that has not been heard.
I agree. And it's not that we want to turn into a LGBTQ podcast, but we want people's stories
to be heard. And so I think that's something you're going to hear some really great things from. I
think, I know we have some addiction stories coming. Also some on loss. That's not you,
(55:24):
of course. Law. Some other. We also have some things we're planning on is,
I don't even know how to say it, but taking care of a person, like a child,
a elderly person in your family, those taking care of people and watching the dreams kind of go
(55:47):
downhill as you are taking care of the person that those dreams were coming from. So we have
a parent that is willing to talk to us about their child who was fine and then ended up in a wheelchair.
Oh, wow. I didn't know about that one. Yeah. It's been very,
(56:11):
actually, I don't know if it's been very sad or not. We're going to listen to that and have
that sometime, but we have a lot of really great guests lined up. And I'm excited to hear their
story. So last two points, and I'll let you close this out. Okay. One thing Jesse said,
and first of all, she was an amazing speaker, guest, whatever we want to call her. I do want to
(56:36):
have her back. When we talked about transitioning and how people viewed her, what was the saying?
How did she put it? Oh, was this after we got off air? Is that what you were talking about?
It may have been. She said, just be kind to people. That's all you have to be. You may not
(56:58):
approve of their lifestyle. That's fine. Listen to their story and be kind to them. That's all
that she's asking. And I thought that was so powerful. She's not saying that you have to
agree with anything on this podcast or what she says because everybody's a different person,
but listen to their story and understand what they've went through. And if you see them out on
(57:19):
the street, just be kind to them. I mean, whether you agree with them or not, it doesn't matter.
We're, I mean, we all should be kind to each other. Correct. And I think today,
if you look at Facebook, if you look at politics, it shows such an image that you've got to argue
with everybody and they're either against you or for you and that's it. And one thing she pointed
(57:43):
out is that's not the case. So I wanted to drive that point home. And the second one is,
reach out to us if you've got a story. We would love to put you on a podcast. We would,
we'll help set everything up. Don't think that you have to be tech savvy because Connie is not.
And somehow we get it through every week, but we would love to hear stories. So please reach out
(58:05):
to us. Give us a one liner or two lines on what your transition was and what you would like to say.
And we'll get in contact with you and try and make plans for it.
With that, I'm going to let you close it out, Connie.
I don't even know how I'm going to close it out. I don't know how I'm going to beat that because
I agree with all of those points. And yes, get ahold of us. You can go to our website.
(58:28):
It's the again, ourlifebeyond.com. There's a contact page.
Info at ourlifebeyond.com. Isn't that how they can get ahold of us?
It's contact. No, it's contact at ourlifebeyond.com is the email address.
Have you ever seen Leanne Morgan, the comedian, and she's like, I'm fun.
(58:48):
I'm fun. That's my part in the podcast. I'm not supposed to know how to get it on air.
I'm not supposed to know how to do anything like that. I'm just supposed to be here and make fun
of you and like. There you go. Well, and we're going to have a great time. We really are. If you're
not comfortable with the website or can't get around that, everybody knows Facebook. We've
got a Facebook page. Reach out to us there. Subscribe to that page and reach out and say,
(59:12):
I want to tell my story. And let Connie is really, I'm kind of putting Connie in.
It's out there to talk to the people and put them in the slots on when we're going to do it.
I'm just trying to take care of the technical part. But absolutely, we would love to hear more
stories. And I love to hear your stories. That's one of my, that's why we do this.
(59:32):
That's why we're doing it. Yeah, it is. So. Okay, Miss Connie.
Happy, congratulations on your game. Thank you so much.
And I'm so excited to see how your life transition goes.
Yeah, it's going to be crazy the next couple of years, but man, I'm telling you, it's a whole
lot easier when I've got friends like Connie and my whole friend group that I know is in my corner
(59:56):
and it's in Ellen's corner too. It's not mine. It's our corner. So we'll be reaching out. I
promise you to get advice along the way. So thank you. All right, we'll talk to you soon.
Okay, have a good week. You too. Bye. Bye.
Okay, thank you so much for listening to this episode of Our Life Beyond. We really hope that
(01:00:17):
you found our discussion insightful and inspiring or at least brought us a smile to your day. If
you did enjoy this episode, please consider subscribing to the podcast on your favorite
platform and leave us a review. For more information, resources or show notes, visit our website
at ourlifebeyond.com. You can also follow us on social media, search for us on Facebook at
(01:00:39):
ourlifebeyond. We would love to hear from you, our listeners. So feel free to reach out with
your questions, comments or suggestions through our Contact Us page at ourlifebeyond.com or on
social media. And once again, thank you for joining us on this journey. Till next time, remember,
Life Beyond, any challenge is possible and we're here to navigate it with you. Stay strong,
(01:01:03):
stay positive and keep moving forward.
Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Our Life Beyond the podcast where we explore how
(00:12):
to navigate and hopefully thrive through some of life's biggest transitions. I'm your
co-host Scott Dibben and I've teamed up with my great friend and mentor Connie King to
share some stories, strategies, and insights that helped us adapt to the ever-changing
seasons of our life. Whether your life transition is divorce, death of a loved one, switching
(00:34):
careers, moving to a new city, or just trying to figure out what the hell is next, where
with you every step of the way. But always remember, we're not therapists, just fellow
travelers with a knack for finding humor in the chaos. And maybe some untraditional method
of overcoming what life dishes out to us. Hopefully you'll have fun embarking on this
(00:55):
journey. So now let's get started.
I want to give a special thank you to Habit Coffee for sponsoring us. So if you're local
to Springfield, you're probably aware of the miserable construction at Highway 60 and
Farm Road 125 heading into Rogersville. Yeah, right in the midst of all that progress is
(01:17):
the Habit Coffee Company, a fantastic local, vagina-owned business. They're more than just
a coffee shop. They serve delicious scratch-made breakfast and lunch options. They have a state
and county-inspected kitchen, and they love catering events. While it might take a bit
of extra effort to reach them right now, they're excited about the upcoming expansion when the
(01:39):
highway reopens this fall. Support the Habit Coffee Company and enjoy their incredible
offerings today.
Thank you so much, Habit Coffee.
Well, hello, Connie.
Nice to meet you.
How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
I'm good. What in the world is going on? What happened this weekend?
Oh, a lot of good stuff happened this weekend. Anything in particular you're looking for?
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I don't know. You tell me.
Oh, I propose to my girlfriend on Saturday. I guess that must be what you're talking about.
So it's funny because I'm sitting here looking at you, and I'm like, is this as excited as
(02:24):
you get?
It really is.
It really is. And that's what's funny. I'm like popping out of the chair, and you're
like, yeah, I proposed to my girlfriend this weekend.
Well, yeah.
Now you have a fiancé. It's no longer girlfriend.
It's true. And that's going to be odd. That's going to be something I have to remember.
You're going to have to be odd.
Well, because during that time, you know, there's a very small window that you're allowed to
(02:48):
make mistakes. And if you keep calling her a girlfriend like three months later, she's
going to start getting pissed off.
Yeah, no kidding.
I've got a transit. This is almost as bad as calling a woman the wrong name, I think.
Don't do that. Oh, geez. That is bad. So I think that's what we should talk about today,
(03:09):
because so far our transitions have been a little depressing. And granted, I know a
lot of times transitions come because of hardships. But let's start talking about some of the
transitions that come from great stuff, like the fun, the happy, the good things that happen
(03:33):
in life.
Sure.
So to start with yours, you asked Ellen to marry you.
I did, yes.
So now what do you think the transition is going to look like?
Oh, well, let's talk about the transition even up to that point, because me and her,
so me and her, when I say had different paths, what I mean is that she, she viewed life different
(04:00):
than I did as far as how we would come together and be a family unit in a sense and go forward.
For a long time, my thought was, I have no reason for marriage. All it is is something
to sign over to the government, basically a piece of paper. And, you know, I didn't
see anything that was a value to either of us to be quite honest. And I know that seems
(04:27):
harsh, but I was just trying to figure out how you keep, how you keep making sure that
you're the best person that you can be with this person. And I think by getting this piece
of paper and getting married, there's a good chance that people just are not their best
self afterwards from what I believe. Now, do I think I'm going to be that? No, of course,
(04:53):
do I think she's going to be that? No, of course not, because I wouldn't have done this.
And tell me, do you, do you know what I mean by that? That it seems like as soon as people
get married or shortly after they kind of give up on having date nights on, you know, just,
just those little points that a lot of times you, you really focus on up into the point
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you get married. Absolutely. I think you start getting comfortable
and you start just letting go of the things that were really, really important in your
dating life or that made it fun. Sure. You know, Jeff just the other day said to me,
we've been so busy, we haven't been on a date night, let's do that. And I was like, oh,
I felt terrible, you know, because it is, it's something that we kind of got away from,
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but I understand and it's something you have to really work at. So yes, I get that. But
I also know I'm going to, I'm just going to say this because this is you and I, you and
Ellen are not the type of people who went into it trying to impress each other. You went
into it just being yourselves. And then, you know, what happened from that point on is
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what happened. You fell in love and now you were going to spend the rest of your life
together. And I love that, you know, nobody has to change for the other person. Nobody's
trying to impress. I think sometimes as we get older, we do that too. We just go, here
we are. Here I am. This is me. Take it or leave it.
Yes. And definitely we're not trying to impress each other. I mean, her life and my life
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fit very well together. She's very independent, which is what I was really looking for and
needing out of a person because I'm independent. I like to have my alone time. If I want to
be able to travel with one of my friends somewhere, I don't want to feel guilty leaving her at
home. And I won't and I don't because I mean, just for instance, this week, she's taken
(06:50):
off for Colorado with some friends to climb a mountain. And I absolutely love that she's
doing that with her friends and that she's doing things that make her happy that is not
just centered around me because that puts a lot of pressure on that person. Also, if
you are the core of what makes the other person happy, I think that it's a lot of pressure.
(07:13):
And I just, that's not what I wanted. And I know that's not what she wants either because
she's almost identical to me. Except a little more emotion.
Yeah. She definitely has that. She's definitely a better overall person, a better, more well-rounded
person with emotions and everything than I am. But yeah, it was cool. So let me tell
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you, let me tell you why, I guess. I went ahead and decided I was going to propose,
even though I mean marriage to me, I didn't feel like was something that I needed or had
to have. She wanted it more than me, but she was also, it was very cool because she was
also okay with, well, we'll figure it out as we go along. We're going to be together.
And that's really what she was concerned about. We're going to be together. That's what she
(08:00):
wanted. If it had that piece of paper or not, I mean, I do think that she would later on
have pushed up maybe a little harder for it. But I've went on a lot of trips with Ellen.
Last year, I do these crazy-ass trips at least once a year. And we decided we were going
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to go to Turkey. And anybody that travels with me, I had another friend that traveled
with me and he's like, holy shit, you know, I can't believe what you tried to pack into
this time. So we went to Turkey and we, I want to say we visited seven different places.
I wanted to drive a car over there. I don't like, I like to do that stuff. So we rented
a car. We were on a train for a while. I think we visited seven different places. We drove
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1,600 miles and basically would stay two nights everywhere. And I'm not saying she didn't
want that, but it was a trip that I'm like, I want to do all this stuff. And all the way
through this, there was a lot of stress because we'd stopped by a gas station and you would
start, oh, nobody understands me. I'm pumping gas, you know. And there's always that concern
(09:08):
of you're an American in a foreign country like that, you know, somebody kidnapping you
or her. And it was really, really cool. The whole time we were over there, she kind of
watched my Mac and I watched hers and she being military, she probably has a little
more spidey sense than they do when something's coming up. But it was cool. We never, we never
(09:31):
got hateful with each other. We never screamed and hollered. And I was just thinking after
that trip, I'm like, holy shit, if I can spend that many days and we had a couple miserable
experiences, we spent one night on a train from Turkey to Bulgaria, an overnight train
where they stopped, I want to say five times and you had to show your passport, you had
(09:53):
to get off the train at one point. And I didn't even wake up for most of it. She took care
of all that except when she had to drag me off. So all this time, she absolutely, she
was amazing as far as just kind of roll with the punches. We'll figure it out. If something
went wrong, there was one point that we were supposed to get a train and the train was
(10:15):
full, we couldn't get tickets. And we're like, we'll run a car. I mean, she just never got
stressed out about anything. So that was cool. And that was probably the first point when
I said, okay, this is the person. And then along with that, there's a ton of other stuff.
I mean, you've got, I've got my son and if somebody's not going to be good with my son
and his partner, then I mean, that's tough for me as you can imagine in any relationship.
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She, she's amazing with him.
They like her more than they like you.
Hell yes. That's a little, it's a little frustrating, but no, it's true. She, she has, yeah, she's
really formed a unique relationship with them and the friends, you know, I'm huge into my
friends. I love my friend groups. They are like my family. They really are. And every
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one of them, well, you know, Connie, everybody in that group, I think would say that she,
you know, she fits perfect in the group.
She fits perfect. Yeah.
So, and to finish this up on Mike, just a several weeks ago, we went to New York City
and New York City, we took my son and his partner to New York and we did some crazy
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stuff. She found things that they would like that I had no idea. I mean, you know, it's
one of those, I'm a 53 year old guy trying to entertain a 26 year old in New York. I
really thought that we'd probably have separate interest. So I'm like, you guys can do anything
you want. But between Ellen and them figuring out what we were doing, hell, I mean, I enjoyed
(11:49):
it, but I enjoyed doing things that they liked. We went to a burlesque show in Brooklyn and
I'm like, I would have never even considered this. And all along the way, she's just like,
I'm booking this and we're doing this. So it also, it also on some trips, it makes me
or it lets me be able to relax knowing there's somebody else that can help figure out stuff.
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And it's not just on me. So we get back from New York after that. And I'm like, you know,
I know what she, I mean, I do know that she wanted a ring. I believe she wanted to get
married and all that. I'm like, this is stupid that I've not already pushed forward and done
this. So I went to a local, well, I went to three local jewelry places. And interestingly
(12:31):
enough, one of her really good friends knew what type of ring she wanted, which is very
unique. She wanted a solitaire, but it had to be very low profile because of her work.
She putting on gloves and stuff like that. She didn't want something that would tear
the gloves when she put some on. So I had to go around and find, and it was so interesting
(12:51):
because every place I went into and would tell them what I want, they, I mean, nobody
has it. So I found one place we ended up, I had to order it and it took about six weeks
to get in. And typically I'm not great at keeping surprises, but I mean, I'm giving
myself kudos now because I absolutely kept a surprise for six weeks.
(13:13):
Nice. Well, do you want to tell us about the proposal too? Well, first of all, so I can
join in on this part because now it was something that you and I shared a lot of. So Scott was
telling me, first of all, he's telling me about the ring. Then he sends me the ring,
(13:34):
the picture, not the ring itself. He sends me the picture and it's really beautiful.
You know, I think it would be perfect for everything she asked. And then I said, okay,
how are we going to, how are we going to ask her? And he was like, well, that's so tattling
on you.
No, you can't.
(13:54):
Well, I thought it'd be kind of funny if we acted like I was breaking up with her kind
of and then all of a sudden surprise her. No. Oh God, no, don't do that. And you were
like, really? Yes, don't like that would be the ultimate emotional roller coaster. You
(14:18):
know, happy, happy, happy time. And so then I went and said to Jeff, oh, this is what
he's thinking about doing. And Jeff was like, no, don't do that. So then you came up with
this beautiful idea and I want you to talk about that.
And you know, once again, I have great friends that will help me develop plans and ideas.
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And you helped with this because, you know, we started talking about what she would like.
I mean, you started me down that path, which you want to do it in front of a bunch of people
by herself. And I had to, she's got one best friend that I contact on all that stuff, of
course, that I kept in contact. And we decided, well, it probably needed to be more personal
at her house. And you kept digging into what she's done that I could almost reciprocate
(15:10):
to her. And one of the things that she does that is absolutely amazing. Anytime I'm traveling
or anytime she's traveling now, now I say this, of course, and it'll never happen again.
But she leaves these little notes. I mean, I will, and I travel internationally or I
used to travel a lot. I slowed down a little bit, but anytime I would travel even international,
(15:31):
it would be nothing for me to at 7am, get into my hotel room and unzip my check bag and go
through and start taking things out. And there'd be a note from her saying how proud she was
and all this stuff, you know, she was going to miss me and, you know, do your shit and
come home. Basically, it's how she'd put it. And then sometimes she, whenever she left,
(15:52):
last time when she left, I went to crawling bed and I pulled the cover back and on my
pillow, she had left a note about, you know, she's leaving, she's gonna be going on this
one, but she's always leaving notes. And I always thought it was cool and it was awesome
because it's a handwritten note. It's not even, you know, something you just print out.
So she takes a lot of extra, you know, a lot of extra care to make sure that she lets you
(16:18):
know how important to her I am. So I just wanted to circle back and try and at least
give her a little bit of that, which I'm not good at, as you know, Connie, emotions are
not my thing. They just aren't. So what I did, which anybody that wants to steal this,
you can absolutely have it. I think it's a great idea because Connie said, you should
(16:40):
do something like that. So what I ended up doing was I went out to her, I went and stayed
at her house the night before, which was Friday. And I talked to her best friend Angie. I
said, you need to take her hiking tomorrow morning because I need her out of the house
and I'm going to plant these notes all around like a treasure map. And in the end, I had
(17:00):
also bought some M&Ms that said, want to get married. That was on the back. So I said,
I've got the M&M. So I've got everything you take her hiking on a short hike. And when
you get back, I'm going to have one of them on the front door when she comes in that it
was a cute little note that just talked about, which is 100% true, you know, that walking
through this door, you know, you've gave me experiences, food experiences at this point
(17:24):
because that's a kitchen. You know, I've tried stuff I have never tried things I probably
wouldn't have without you. And you know, you're such a blessing, yada, yada, yada. And then
it was a map though, and it shows a little map up in the corner. And it said, for your
next clue, and I basically said, at the end of this hunt, you're going to find something
that you're going to really like. And then I put in parentheses. Yes, it's candy, which
(17:47):
it was. So I tried to get it off my scent and my truck wasn't parked out there anymore
because she thought I was leaving to go ride in a motorcycle, but I just hit it. So the
second one, it said, you know, go to the room where we were we sat and rest of a night,
yada, yada, yada. And it was the living room. So she wandered to the living room and there
was a note and we talked to and it was just a note about we shared a lot of experiences
(18:12):
here. We've watched a bunch of trash TV and we've watched some good TV. And you know,
once again, there was some mush in there and it said, you know, I really appreciate you.
And you know, for the next clue, go to where you basically where you work, but I, you know,
it was a clue. And then down at the bottom, I said, hand, it's your office. So she goes
(18:33):
into her office and I talk about how proud I am of the work she does, which she does
amazing work. And I'm telling you, I don't know. I always feel bad because I think she
puts like 150% into her work and I put like 70% or 80. And I always think, man, if, if
everybody could be, could put as much into their work as she does, but she, she loves
(18:53):
her work. She appreciates it. She just, she thinks it's, it's so important to her. So
I just, you know, I said, you're, you're an inspiration to me. I love what you're doing.
You're trying to save dogs, you know, you're, you're trying to do this. And for the next
clue, I said, go to where you lay your head of a night. And then on the door, I had shut
(19:14):
the bedroom door and there was a really nice note about, you know, us coming together sooner
or later in behind this door, you know, as your prize. And she opened it up and I had
basically a handful of M&Ms. I poured into her hand and I told her to read it. Of course,
she didn't have her readers on and M&Ms are really small. So it took a minute for her
to figure out what it said. And she did a little bit of jumping up and down. And then
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I grabbed the ring and I'd kind of slid the ring under a cover. So she didn't see it.
And I gave her the ring and asked her. So we've got a few pictures. It was, it was a
cool experience. And what's interesting, I had never asked anybody to get married because
my last marriage, we had lived together for like five years. And it was just one of those
(19:58):
things where like, Hey, we should probably get married. You know what I mean? And it
was just almost everyday conversation. And talking to Ellen, she had the same thing.
She said, no one's ever proposed to me. And I'm like, you've been married before, but
it's just, you know, I think, I think we're getting far too relaxed in some of the things
we do as humans, especially guys. And I don't know that sometimes we understand how much
(20:22):
those moments are appreciated by the other person.
Yeah, they are. They make you feel really, really important. I can, I can attest to that.
Yeah.
One that was just, it was just a decision like, oh, let's go do it. It's going to make life
easier. And then one where somebody actually asks, it's like, Oh, they won't be, oh my
goodness, you know, it's that kind of thing. So, and I'm going to comment because we had
(20:46):
a party last night.
Yeah.
To celebrate this. And one of the funniest things was that Ellen was telling me, she's
like, yeah, it ended up being like a old person proposal. And I was like, what? And
she said, yeah. So what happened was Angie was supposed to be videotaping it and didn't
(21:07):
get her phone on video. And then when you gave her like the M&Ms or whatever, she had
to go find her readers.
Yeah, she couldn't read them.
Yeah. So you just kept going through some funny little things that happened. And I just
was checking.
Yeah.
And she's not even asked if I got down on one knee and she's like, no, we're 53 years
old. We probably can't get on our knees and back. Well, I'm 53, she thought.
(21:32):
That's funny.
Well, congratulations.
Now, I, yeah, I appreciate it. And you know, my, I do want to also talk about another thing.
It was so interesting being at my age, getting ready to propose, you know, I don't know what
the standards are in the world now. Do you ask the mom that that, you know what I mean?
It's, it's a weird thing, especially she's been married before and I had to. And that
(21:57):
was almost more complicated for me than the proposal. And what I mean is I didn't want
anybody to fill left out. I wanted everybody to know, because we were having the engagement
party Saturday night. She couldn't know anything about it because we weren't getting engaged
until that morning. So I had to tell everybody up front, Hey, this is what's happening. And,
(22:19):
I kept, you know, and I was trying to do it, not in a huge group because a lot of people
miss communications in a group or our group. So I was trying to do it one on one. Yes. So
I was trying to do it one on one. And I would, I would mention stuff. And then I'm like, did
I forget somebody? And then I had to go to her daughter, which lives in Vegas now. And
(22:40):
I wanted her to know because I'd told my son, then I told one of her brothers. So it was
just, it was really weird. I had to tell my brother and I'm like, do you, do you, are
you supposed to tell everybody before you propose or do you do it afterwards? It was
so confusing to me to be honest. But what's, so what was, what happened is after I proposed,
I mean, nobody was surprised because everybody knew it was happening except for her.
(23:02):
Right. Yeah. That was, it was a good night last night to celebrate you guys. It was very
fine. She was, you could tell, extremely happy. And in fact, I had a conversation with her
and I don't know who mentioned it. One of our other friends maybe said something about
(23:23):
you didn't want to just date forever. And Ellen said, no, I'm a wife. I've in my heart, I
meant to be a wife. And she's like, you know, from the get go, I told Scott one day I want
to get married again. You know, that was just it. Period. And I love that she's so strong
and she knows where she's at and she has boundaries. And yeah, she was, but she was thrilled.
(23:48):
She was so happy. And along with that, she's patient. I mean, she never put pressure on
me. I don't want anybody to think she did because she didn't, she didn't expect this
at all. She didn't. You know, Connie, that we're, we've got two houses, me and her.
I'm trying to redo mine. We need to redo hers because we want to live in her. She's
got a small farm. So we want to redo that house, which is taking more time to even
(24:11):
get somebody to, to draw up plans for us than what I wanted.
But stop there, stop there because I want to talk about this after transition because
that's the bigger transition than the asking. Okay.
And yeah, I think it's probably the most when I say not critical, it's the part where
more emotions come out. Of course. Of course. So let's start there because
(24:36):
you've made this decision. You two are going to get married. Yes.
You both live in different places. And this is as adults. These, you know, at our age,
most people have been through a marriage or two or three or however many. And now you're
getting back together with somebody. How do you make that transition happen to number
(24:59):
one, keep yourself safe. And I hate saying that, but you know, you don't want to marry
somebody and give away your life savings if it didn't work out. We're smart enough now
to know that there are some emotions that have to go out the window and you have to
be smart about it. Yeah.
What are the big transitions that are going to happen in this relationship moving forward
(25:21):
now? So you mentioned your house. So you guys are moving in together and what's that going
to look like? Yeah. So we're going to, I need to finish my house, but she also doesn't want
to sell it quite yet because if, if there's enough remodeling at her house, we may have
to stay in mind while that happens. And she's got pets and stuff. So we would have to bring
out here, which will be a little more complicated. As soon as we get everything drawn up, it's
(25:50):
really not been an easy process because she is remote. I'm remote. And she always tells
me whenever she's at my house, she's like, man, you talk loud. She's like, I can't even
have you in the same house. I don't think so. We're really trying to figure out and navigate
what that's going to look like because I'm a hundred percent remote. She's 85% remote.
(26:14):
She's got a small office in town, but I mean, it's used for, for its purposes and she's
there occasionally, but not a lot. So she does have an old milk barn that's got a sectioned
off room that I am considering, okay, maybe I just need to go in, redo it and put a, you
know, a mini split unit to heat it or for heat and air and, and just finish it out,
which probably wouldn't be too much. And I also like being separated from the house when
(26:39):
I work because for me, where I, where am I right now? I feel like I kind of live in my
work because my work's right there on the same floor where I'm at. I can hear an email
deem. So we're trying to navigate that because what's interesting that I've never had Connie
and I know that you haven't either. Maybe now that is her forever home. I've never considered
a home forever home. Everything to me has always been an investment. Is it going to
(27:01):
make money or can I at least, you know, if we spend $80,000, it's got to at least be
worth 80,000 more. And I can't look at it that way going forward because that is her
forever home. She does not want to move. There's some land besides, she's probably going to
purchase, but besides that, I mean, that's her home. So it's going to be interesting
because I'm still going to be the guy that wants to make sure that, you know, it's worth
(27:23):
whatever we spend and she's not going to care about that.
Right. Yeah.
And you also know, yeah. And you also know that remodel in the house, you just did this,
remodel in the house puts a lot of strain on a relationship. I would expect.
It does not. It does not. I think it does. You do this all the time.
(27:44):
We do it all the time. So it was more fun to do our own house than to do other houses
that we're either going to rent out or that we're going to remodel. But when it's your
own, there is a camaraderie that comes into play. When it's a flip house or, you know,
(28:04):
an investment house, the thing that I'm doing is what you were just doing. How much are
we paying for it? How much is that going to, you know, how much value can I get out of
it? Can I raise the rents enough to pay for this over a short amount of time? Those are
the things going through my head or, you know, how much am I going to make over the cost
(28:24):
if I sell it?
This house was not like that where I was not crazy frivolous. I wasn't frivolous at all.
Jeff and I really worked together to make things happen on that. So, but that's what
we do is for a living. Gia and Ellen are separate. Like you each have your own jobs. So coming
(28:52):
back to a mess every night or coming back to making decisions every night, you're probably
going to get tired and you're going to be like, let's just burn the house down and
like, just find something.
Yeah. And that I fully expect. I've built a house while being married in a previous
marriage and I've remodeled some. And it's been pretty stressful if the two people have
(29:16):
different ideas on what something's going to look like. If you want oak doors and they
don't, you know, what can happen is the more you get overruled and you let it finally,
you start getting pissed off about the stupid little stuff. So I do know, I do know this
is going to be interesting because we have, I don't really have a style. I just say, I
don't like that or I do like this. And I don't think honestly, I don't think I've got a style,
(29:39):
but she does. So I do have to watch that. And I've gave her so much grief about, you
know, all the art I'm going to bring in and stuff. And she's like, hell no, no, you can
have one room, maybe. But I've, I've said it very kidnily, of course. But she, she,
she will figure out or we will figure all that out. It's just going to take time. I
(30:01):
don't know how long we're probably looking at six months to a year, but we also, we don't
have any date in mind for the marriage. So we've got time financially. Have you guys
discussed financially how you're going to work out? And are you going to have trust?
Are you going to have, I mean, what's going to happen financially? Yeah. So come together.
(30:24):
Both of us, when we look at each other, this is so interesting. And I don't know, I could
have scripted this any better if I would have sat down and wrote it in a book. But me and
her make almost the exact same income coming into this. Me and her, I have got a decent
retirement just through some 401ks. And I've got a check in account savings account, just
(30:47):
the normal stuff people have. But it's almost a complete balance because on her side, she's
done military for, I think 15 years, I think she's got five years left in it. So she gets
a full retirement out of military. She expects that. And along with that, she, the company
she works for, she gets, I'm going to call them stock options. That's not exactly what
(31:08):
they're called because they're not on the market right now. But I mean, she has the
potential to have a retirement honestly, 10 times the size of mine. She has that potential,
but she also has just like any, anything in the stock market, it could go to nothing.
So I need to talk to her and she's such a good person that she sees the best in everybody.
(31:34):
And I would never take advantage of her, but I do want her to feel protected and that I'm
not just coming in to take the stuff. And I don't want, you know, and it goes back to
family and everything else. You don't want her family. And I'm not saying they ever
would think I was doing that, but, but it is nice. It is so nice. Walking into a relationship
where you're, you're really equal. I mean, if, if we go to eat somewhere, if I go to
(32:00):
the bathroom, she just pays for it, you know, it's vice versa. And I don't worry about,
oh, I should get this because I make more money. You know, when, whenever you're separated
out, sometimes that happens, but it doesn't with us at all. I mean, she'll say she wants
something and I'll just get on Amazon and order it for her and it'll come to her house.
She sends because apparently I have no style. I mean, she'll buy, she'll buy shoes and clothes
(32:23):
for me that'll show up on my front porch and I'll have to call her and go, Hey, is this
supposed to come to me or what? And she's like, yeah, you needed these. So it's just nice
because I'm not supporting anybody. I don't have to support anybody, of course. And, and
we, I think we're, we're going to come into this very healthy because of that. The trust,
(32:43):
see that's something that I want me and her to sat down with someone like you, Connie,
that have, you, you've went through this, you know what you can and can't do. And I don't
have that expertise. Do we need her trust? Yeah. Because everything I hear a wills not
enough. You really need a trust. So I want to get that figured out probably sooner than
later. But I also want to point out another thing for anybody out there that's going
(33:06):
on. I don't need a piece of paper to prove I'm with the person. The same thing I was
saying, and it is the exact same thing. What she along the way was pointing out to me,
which is true. I'm 53 years old. I could be in the hospital tomorrow. She can't make decisions
for me. Now she would be beside my, you know, I mean, in a sense, she, she's not married
to me. So she, if, if I was unconscious or, you know, in a coma, she can't make decisions
(33:29):
for me. She can't, she can't do that right now. So I think it's important that you find
somebody that you absolutely trust because this is the person that basically can pull
the plug. If you just either sat down and be able to tell them, you know, when, which
is one, another thing, one of the books that me and you have shared back and forth. That's
on Amazon that we probably should put a link to is a book that you fill out with all your
(33:54):
passwords, all of everything that you, everything that's private to you. And then you disclose
what you want to do with it when you pass away. And that's a book I could hand over
to her. I think it's called, I'm dead now. What is that?
Just call it. Yeah, I'm dead now. What, but you have to have it. Somebody you trust.
Yeah. You have to have somebody you trust to give that to. So that's a book I would
(34:15):
hand, you know, hand over to Ellen and she would take care of all that. And you just,
you have to have the right people. Yeah. And I'm going to say something about a piece of
paper. I think that's a bunch of bullshit to say, Oh, it's just a piece of paper. It
doesn't mean anything. I think it does. I think, well, I know for me what it did was
(34:36):
it changed my mindset. So my first marriage to Rob, we dated for six years. We were together
six years and we knew that we were going to be together and we were doing that all, you
know, that, Oh, we don't have to get married. I mean, we don't have to have this piece of
paper, blah, blah, blah. And what forced us to get married was so absurd. We got pregnant,
(35:02):
planned. We were unmarried, planned pregnancy. It was getting close to time to have Connor
and the hospital had had a, I don't know, I think it was an attempted abduction of a
baby by a stranger. So they had really buckled down on security in the nursery. And we found
(35:28):
out some of what you had to go through and had my name been different than Rob's name.
It was going to be just a mess for him to get in and visit and do all this and blah,
blah, blah. So about a month before Connor was born, we got married. And I think about
(35:50):
that now because throughout my marriage, that piece of paper is what kept me there. And
what I mean by that is I was sit there and I think, shit, this is getting really hard.
I hate him. He hates me right now. You know, you have those moments in marriage. And if
I could just leave, I would have just up and left and had no thought about it. Like, I
(36:16):
mean, I say that it just would have been something that you could leave in the dust. But then
I thought, oh, crap, I'd have to go through a divorce. And then this would happen. And
then it makes you think of the consequences of your actions actually, because you have
to slow down and you have to think about it. And so I do think that paper is a great idea.
(36:37):
I mean, I do. So for me, it changed my mindset in that when I didn't like being in a marriage,
I was going to stick it out and I was going to stay there because I would stop and think
about the alternative and I'd be like, huh, had I have not done that, there were probably
a lot of times I would have just run off and been like, screw it.
(36:58):
I'm going to give you a different side to it, though, that I mean, I think I can, I
can fight the other side. Okay, let's hear it. And I do. First of all, I want to say
I agree with everything you said. Having that piece of paper makes you put more effort in
to making sure that if you're going to leave your, you know, it's for the reason, so the
(37:19):
right reasons, I guess. But also, some people get a marriage and it's that safety factor
that keeps them there. It's not necessarily the love and the generosity. It is, it is the
I, do you know what it would take to split up all the assets? Do you know what it would
(37:40):
take? And, and then when I do that, I'm going to, you know, can I even survive by myself?
And it becomes, in my opinion, a legal contract more than a marriage. And I call, I, I fucking
hate that because I know people and have known people that I believe stay married because
it's just easier to stay married than the not. Are they happy? No. But do they stick
(38:04):
it out because they're married? No, they stick it out because it's too hard not to be married.
Okay. And I don't like that. And that's the reason if you can walk into a marriage every
day, if, if, I mean, if I could walk in and Ellen's there and you know that she has no
tied to you. I mean, after years, don't get me wrong, she's going to, she has a tie to
(38:27):
you. But I mean, she has no piece of paper that's going to make her wait 30 days and
do all this stuff before you get divorced. It makes you that I think it makes you a better
person in a sense. I walk in and I know that she can choose anything she wants. And I know
that she has, you know, she's choosing me at that moment and that she doesn't have to
(38:49):
because we don't have that contract. And I do think there's a beautiful thing that five
years later, if you're still in that same relationship, she's choosing you every day.
I don't know.
So that is, that is a beautiful thought. It really is. But there are some days that you're
not going to choose each other because 10 years down the road, you're going to be sick
of that person. And so those days that you don't want to choose them, you better hope
(39:14):
that in 15 more days after you calm down a little bit, then you can start choosing them
again.
What way to give me a positive outlook on what's ahead of me, Connie. Damn you. And
10 years, you guys are going to stand each other.
Oh, that's too funny. So, well, that's the thing is, so you have, what other transitions
(39:35):
are you guys going to be going through? I'm trying to think, boy, Jeff and I didn't go
through a lot of transition when we got married because we did it when we were dating.
Yeah. Honestly, the biggest thing I think hurdle that we're worried about is not the
house. It's the coexisting in the house because we're both going to work there. I mean, imagine
(39:56):
and you do have this, of course, Connie, but you have a little more distance working with
your husband every day and living with them and it being in that exact same house. I have
not ever had to do that with anybody else. I've always just been the only one remote.
So, I mean, that's a challenge. That's something that we, I think we're going to have to be
very careful and very thoughtful on what we do. You know, we could, I could get an office
(40:22):
in the Springfield vicinity where we're at and I could go into an office every day, but
I mean, human nature and laziness, you're going to quit going into an office unless you
have to. If you've got a place that you can do it from your house, you're going to get
up 15 minutes before that meeting, throw some clothes on and you're going to go to the meeting.
I mean, from my experience. So, I think that we're going to have to build something that
(40:48):
really will be that forever house because somebody else may look at it and go, why the
hell would I ever want to buy it if it's got, you know, two offices that sound proof that
whatever the hell we end up with, I don't know. But that's going to be the, I think
the biggest struggle because she's been in my life right now for a few years. So, I think
we've, you know, I think we've went through a lot of the hurdles that maybe some new people
(41:13):
getting married might have, which is trying to figure out who that person is. Do you,
how can you trust them? You know, who are they friends with and how do you guys bond?
How does all the friends bond? How do I bond with her friends? She bond with my, you know,
we've went through all of that. So, I think as you're older, you get more realistic. I
remember being young and thinking, oh my gosh, this is what my marriage is going to look
(41:36):
like. This is what's going to be happening. This is that, you know, just and then the
real marriage hits as an adult or at 53 years old, I guess I was 51, I guess when Jeff and
I got married. I was very realistic about it. I was like, yeah, I'm madly in love with
(41:57):
this man. But you know, what happens on the days he has royally pissed me off? What happens
on the days, and I'll give you an example. He's got restless lake syndrome. So, I'm
an amazing sleeper. He is up constantly. Well, what's happened over the last couple of months
is it's now starting to affect my sleep. And so, I realized that, you know what? We ordered
(42:25):
a separate bed. It's so sad. But at the same time, there's a reality to it where it's like,
one of us is going to have to sleep in a different bed on certain nights. Like if he wakes me
up, I can go sleep on that bed in a different room because I would rather do that and have
a really beautiful friendship and calm friendship just like what you said, you know, she chooses
(42:50):
me every day. Well, we can get through some of those obstacles that we know will happen.
We may not know exactly what the obstacle is, but the older, I think age brings that
education to us. So, we expect some of it more than I did when I was younger. And I think
(43:12):
that transition is huge also. So, when you're talking about that, you guys are already planning
for things that you know might piss you off.
Yeah. I need some advice from you on something. You know, we've talked about therapy. I went
through therapy. You're still going through some therapy. I said from the beginning, when
(43:34):
I find somebody, I think that I need to have couples therapy from that point for at least
a while as that transition happens. I also know that I've been with her for a couple
years and we've never done the couples therapy. We seem to be doing very well without it.
What are your thoughts? Should a person get couples therapy right off the bat or do you
(43:58):
try and figure it out on your own until it gets to a point you need somebody to intervene?
That may never get to that point.
I don't have an opinion about that. And here's why. I think that is such a personalized thing.
Therapy in and of itself is so personalized that I sit there and I think, what if you
guys went to therapy and it opened up. It's almost like the what if game. I used to do
(44:25):
this with Jeff and I have really had to train myself not to do it because it drove him crazy.
So I'd say, I don't know, I'm going to make something up really absurd. What if your ex-wife
came back and just begged you to go back with her? And he's like, what? I hate her. Why
(44:45):
would I do that? But it's that kind of thing where he's like, why are you even, why is
that even in your head? So I wonder if therapy has a tendency to do some of that sometimes.
I don't know. I've never been in couples therapy. So if you're going before there's any problems
and they say, how would you handle this situation? And that situation hasn't happened, but it
(45:08):
plants a seed to somebody going, could that happen? Would that happen? What would happen?
You know, so I don't know. I don't know how I feel about that. I think the two of you
have to really just decide. I'm of the mindset that you go when you need it, but you hit
(45:28):
it pretty early. I love therapy. So it's not something I go, oh, let's not do it until
it's really bad. I'm like, that's kind of a problem. Let's go.
Another thing that I've read that some couples do that seem to be successful. And once again,
I'm not going to say we will or won't do it. It's pretty interesting that they say throughout
(45:49):
the week, anything that comes up, just jot it down on a piece of paper and it could just
be slight irritations or a wish you quit or keeping your socks in the limer, whatever
that is, but, but don't nag all week on somebody as those little things happen.
Have one night, there was a couple of counselors that basically talked about one night, they
(46:11):
would go and they would walk around their subdivision and that was their 35 minutes to
talk through the issues of the week. And they would all bring up what happened that week,
good and bad. It was like, it was almost like a, you know, in some senses, it was,
you know, to tell them, look, you know, look, look what I've been able to accomplish this week.
(46:31):
I've done this and this and this, but at other times it is, these are the things that you've
done that annoyed me this week. I kind of liked the approach because then you're not,
it's not, doesn't feel like that you're getting nagged over socks today and forgetting to put,
you know, fresh water in the dog boat or more. It may be if you just bundle it all up on a Friday
(46:52):
night as you walk around the, um, fold the sack, maybe that's the way to do it. I don't know.
What are your thoughts? That idea. Here's why I hate that idea because I have the memory of a
nat and so you fucking write it down on a piece of paper. Well, but Excel chart. Yeah.
That you think I'm going to actually walk to a notebook and be like, he didn't put his socks
(47:13):
up. No, I'm going to be like, oh, damn it. He didn't put his socks up. And then I'm going to go in
the other room and completely forget it where Jeff would write it down. And then on Friday,
I'd be sitting there with an empty piece of paper because I couldn't remember anything.
And then he'd be going through this list and I'd be like, I'm a piece of shit.
That's how I feel like with that. So I don't love that. But I mean, you need to find what
(47:37):
bits, you know, I'll tell you something that has worked so great with Jeff and I. And
it was weird how it started. One morning when we were dating, we just started like we would
slow dance in the mornings. And we have kept that tradition. And I will tell you, there was
a couple of days in a row that we did not dance. And I felt so disconnected with him for the rest
(48:04):
of the day. And then when we came back to it, one morning we danced and I was just like,
this is it. This is the connection. And all it is is a sweet dance. We have, you know,
a playlist, pick a song. And we dance every morning. And it just gives us time to either
(48:26):
talk while we're dancing, but we're touching and we're looking in each other's eyes. And it's just
a real kind of a vulnerable moment, but it's also a real connecting moment. And so instead of talking
about belly aching about things or how to handle problems, that I think has helped us
(48:47):
understand that those problems aren't very big in reality. They're the little things where our
love and our connection is really the bigger piece of this.
Well, see, Connie, you can bundle these two. You guys could slow dance. You're really close
to each other and then tell each other what pissed you off last night about him.
(49:08):
I'm sure that would go over well. We love each other then.
No, that is, I could see where that consistency and just having that repeated every day, I could
see where you would miss it, especially if it was gone for a couple of days, because I do know
occasionally he'll travel to see his son or has in the past and you'll go travel for a few days to
(49:33):
visit friends. So I do know you guys spend a little bit of time apart. And I bet that is
yeah, something that you kind of miss when you get up.
It is. But so I think the thing about this podcast today, you and I have talked so much about some
really sad transitions, because I think sadness brings out strength in a lot of people.
(49:58):
You know, it makes us change when we have those
well and those obstacles. I hate to say it, but you remember more details about the sad
hard ones than you do the easy happy ones. And that is true, because you have to come up from
the depths pretty much. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that was why I wanted to talk a little
(50:21):
bit about this, because I also know there's so many happy transitions or happy life changes
that also, I mean, it's almost guaranteed. I know this happened for me that after Jeff and I got
married, and after I experienced the fairy tale love, I'm a different person. And you know, some
(50:46):
ways are better. In my mind, they're all better. But I know some people look at me and they go,
oh, you're not, you're not working as hard, you're not doing and I'm thinking, no, I'm not.
But happy life changes can be really beautiful transitions too.
Yeah, I agree. And I know you're, I mean, you're in the season of your life right now that you
(51:10):
are enjoying life more than work. And that's not a bad thing, Connie. I mean, the way you're set up
is that that will, that will work well for you. You'll still pull income in. And it gives you,
it gives you that time to figure out how you're going to create life with Jeff, because every day,
I mean, you guys are still figuring this out every day. You're new. So I do, I love that for you.
(51:33):
Also, I think before we get off here, we should probably, we should probably kind of reintroduce
what maybe what we're going to go forward with the podcast doing. I can start if you want,
but I know we've talked a few conversations around it. So yeah, I'll start it off and pass it over
you. So we've, we've had really quite a few followers. I look at our episodes every day,
(51:59):
of course, because I'm a numbers person and it goes up every day. We've got really,
really strong numbers. And what we have heard and what we keep hearing is people that want to come
on to the podcast and share their story. And this is really, this was what we wanted, but we didn't
know if we could transition quickly to it. But I think we're going to be able to, we've had,
I know you've had at least two or three additional people. I've had some come to me and say,
(52:23):
I would love to do a podcast on, you know, me going through the transition and how it worked. So
I think, I think we, we want to reintroduce that this podcast, while we're going to be
just me and Connie on a few of them going forward, also expect that we're going to have
quite a few guests on here. Yeah, I think that's what's happened is we have really started to learn
(52:46):
that people want to tell their stories and tell their survival and their strength stories.
And our hope is just that one of our listeners hears even just a tidbit that helps them go,
oh, that makes sense. Even if you don't have anything in common with the story, your son last
(53:10):
night actually said something to me. He said, you know, something you said on the podcast really
resonated with me. And he said, you know, I don't want to stay stuck. I don't want to stay,
you know, in this one place. And we were kind of talking about that. And I thought, isn't that fun
and beautiful that just that one little thing helped him go, oh, that's a point. You know,
(53:41):
we have some amazing guests coming on. The people I think that we have coming on make me feel
like I've accomplished very little in my life. And what I can say by that is
they have risen from the ashes. Really, really, things I don't think I could ever do. And yet
(54:06):
they want to share their story. And I, yeah, now that we're videotaping, you're probably going to
see a lot more tears from me, you know, because it's just such a, people are just really,
really amazing to me. And what they do. So I think that is something we're going to have,
(54:29):
we're going to be doing. I will tell you a lot of the people, and this was something that you
and I had to discuss was we have had a lot of people from the LGBTQ community. Absolutely. Come
out. And I know that Jesse did hers, her podcast. But I feel like that is a,
(54:58):
that is society is not the right word. That is a group that has not been heard.
I agree. And it's not that we want to turn into a LGBTQ podcast, but we want people's stories
to be heard. And so I think that's something you're going to hear some really great things from. I
think, I know we have some addiction stories coming. Also some on loss. That's not you,
(55:24):
of course. Law. Some other. We also have some things we're planning on is,
I don't even know how to say it, but taking care of a person, like a child,
a elderly person in your family, those taking care of people and watching the dreams kind of go
(55:47):
downhill as you are taking care of the person that those dreams were coming from. So we have
a parent that is willing to talk to us about their child who was fine and then ended up in a wheelchair.
Oh, wow. I didn't know about that one. Yeah. It's been very,
(56:11):
actually, I don't know if it's been very sad or not. We're going to listen to that and have
that sometime, but we have a lot of really great guests lined up. And I'm excited to hear their
story. So last two points, and I'll let you close this out. Okay. One thing Jesse said,
and first of all, she was an amazing speaker, guest, whatever we want to call her. I do want to
(56:36):
have her back. When we talked about transitioning and how people viewed her, what was the saying?
How did she put it? Oh, was this after we got off air? Is that what you were talking about?
It may have been. She said, just be kind to people. That's all you have to be. You may not
(56:58):
approve of their lifestyle. That's fine. Listen to their story and be kind to them. That's all
that she's asking. And I thought that was so powerful. She's not saying that you have to
agree with anything on this podcast or what she says because everybody's a different person,
but listen to their story and understand what they've went through. And if you see them out on
(57:19):
the street, just be kind to them. I mean, whether you agree with them or not, it doesn't matter.
We're, I mean, we all should be kind to each other. Correct. And I think today,
if you look at Facebook, if you look at politics, it shows such an image that you've got to argue
with everybody and they're either against you or for you and that's it. And one thing she pointed
(57:43):
out is that's not the case. So I wanted to drive that point home. And the second one is,
reach out to us if you've got a story. We would love to put you on a podcast. We would,
we'll help set everything up. Don't think that you have to be tech savvy because Connie is not.
And somehow we get it through every week, but we would love to hear stories. So please reach out
(58:05):
to us. Give us a one liner or two lines on what your transition was and what you would like to say.
And we'll get in contact with you and try and make plans for it.
With that, I'm going to let you close it out, Connie.
I don't even know how I'm going to close it out. I don't know how I'm going to beat that because
I agree with all of those points. And yes, get ahold of us. You can go to our website.
(58:28):
It's the again, ourlifebeyond.com. There's a contact page.
Info at ourlifebeyond.com. Isn't that how they can get ahold of us?
It's contact. No, it's contact at ourlifebeyond.com is the email address.
Have you ever seen Leanne Morgan, the comedian, and she's like, I'm fun.
(58:48):
I'm fun. That's my part in the podcast. I'm not supposed to know how to get it on air.
I'm not supposed to know how to do anything like that. I'm just supposed to be here and make fun
of you and like. There you go. Well, and we're going to have a great time. We really are. If you're
not comfortable with the website or can't get around that, everybody knows Facebook. We've
got a Facebook page. Reach out to us there. Subscribe to that page and reach out and say,
(59:12):
I want to tell my story. And let Connie is really, I'm kind of putting Connie in.
It's out there to talk to the people and put them in the slots on when we're going to do it.
I'm just trying to take care of the technical part. But absolutely, we would love to hear more
stories. And I love to hear your stories. That's one of my, that's why we do this.
(59:32):
That's why we're doing it. Yeah, it is. So. Okay, Miss Connie.
Happy, congratulations on your game. Thank you so much.
And I'm so excited to see how your life transition goes.
Yeah, it's going to be crazy the next couple of years, but man, I'm telling you, it's a whole
lot easier when I've got friends like Connie and my whole friend group that I know is in my corner
(59:56):
and it's in Ellen's corner too. It's not mine. It's our corner. So we'll be reaching out. I
promise you to get advice along the way. So thank you. All right, we'll talk to you soon.
Okay, have a good week. You too. Bye. Bye.
Okay, thank you so much for listening to this episode of Our Life Beyond. We really hope that
(01:00:17):
you found our discussion insightful and inspiring or at least brought us a smile to your day. If
you did enjoy this episode, please consider subscribing to the podcast on your favorite
platform and leave us a review. For more information, resources or show notes, visit our website
at ourlifebeyond.com. You can also follow us on social media, search for us on Facebook at
(01:00:39):
ourlifebeyond. We would love to hear from you, our listeners. So feel free to reach out with
your questions, comments or suggestions through our Contact Us page at ourlifebeyond.com or on
social media. And once again, thank you for joining us on this journey. Till next time, remember,
Life Beyond, any challenge is possible and we're here to navigate it with you. Stay strong,
(01:01:03):
stay positive and keep moving forward.
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