July 23, 2024 • 46 mins
In this episode of "Our Life Beyond", Scott Dibben and Connie King delve into the journey of healing after significant loss. They share personal stories and insights on navigating grief, finding support, and rediscovering joy. Tune in for heartfelt discussions and practical advice on coping with loss and building resilience.
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Episode Transcript
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Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Our Life Beyond the podcast where we explore how
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to navigate and hopefully thrive through some of life's biggest transitions. I'm your
co-host Scott Dibben and I've teamed up with my great friend and mentor Connie King to
share some stories, strategies, and insights that helped us adapt to the ever-changing
seasons of our life. Whether your life transition is divorce, death of a loved one, switching
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careers, moving to a new city, or just trying to figure out what the hell is next, where
with you every step of the way. But always remember, we're not therapists, just fellow
travelers with a knack for finding humor in the chaos. And maybe some untraditional method
of overcoming what life dishes out to us. Hopefully you'll have fun embarking on this
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journey. So now let's get started. Welcome to Our Life Beyond, episode one, Big Life
Transitions. Hello, Scott. Well, hello, Connie. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm doing
well. Well, I'm excited today. We are doing our first episode of the podcast. How are
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you feeling? Oh, good. There was a lot to set this up, but I think we're ready. I think
so. So what's going on with you today? Well, today is the... What was going on with you
this weekend too? So let's bundle that together. Well, today is the four-year anniversary of
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the death of Rob, my husband, my late husband. I guess it would be late. He's not here. So
it's weird because what happens to me is I am now at that point four years in, I'm
remarried to an amazing man. Yours are great. And so I kind of go through this where my
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grief is not great. And when grief hits me, I really don't recognize it very well. I just
think, oh, I don't feel good. Oh, I'm just sad today. And I'm not a sad person. So it's
off-kilter. But what happened was on Friday, I woke up and just almost immediately started
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crying. And I kept thinking, what is wrong with me? What's wrong? Why am I so sad? Why
am I... I just didn't understand why my feelings were the way they were. And I started thinking
about it and I went, Rob's four-year death anniversary is Monday.
So you don't think you had a dream about it? I mean, something brought it up to you or
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front of your memory. Do you want to know my theory?
Yeah. So I don't know if you've ever read the book, The Body remembers, but I swear to
you, my body around that time period, because it's happened every year and it may not be
exactly on the date, but my body starts remembering the stress of that day, the shock of that
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day, and it starts going through the grief process. Whether I want to or not, it's very
interesting because it's happened the last, like the first year after Rob died, I think
I was very aware of it. But then after that, maybe a couple days ahead of time, but I think
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it was one of those things where it was like, yeah, he passed away a couple years ago. But
this year, four years in, it really hit me on Friday and it continued into Saturday and
it continued into yesterday.
And social media takes part in, I mean, are you seeing memories on Facebook or Instagram
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or something that causes some of that?
Actually I've not seen one memory this year, the years before. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? I
did not see one memory. And when I ask the boys about it, I'm like, oh, you know, your
dad's four year anniversary of his death is coming up. And they actually are very, how
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do I put it? I don't want to say they don't care. But I think when your kids lose a parent,
they grieve in different ways and they grieve differently and at different times, like for
them, his death anniversary, they weren't there until I called them. You know, I was there,
I was in the midst of it. So today is that day where I really, really feel it, where
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I think they kind of go, eh, let's push that aside a little bit. So it's not as important
to them today. It's just kind of that thing where they go, we want to remember the great
memories that we had of dad, not that day. So it's been interesting.
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So do they reach out to you? Do you guys acknowledge that day or anything?
So in the past, I have called them and I've been like, Hey, how you doing? Just to check
up on them. And they're like, yeah, we're, we're good. And I'm like, do you want to
talk about anything? And both of them have said to me, mom, you're the one who has great
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grief about this because you were so into that. I was ingrained in the death itself.
You know, I was there that day I gave him CPR. I did all of this stuff. So with that
happening, I think it just hits me completely different than somebody getting a call going,
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Hey, you need to come home, come to our house. You know, and then when they get there, they
find out their dad's passed away. So I used to try and acknowledge it with them. It kind
of got to the point where they were like, I want, I want to feel like it was almost
like they were appeasing me, you know, feel bad about it. Yeah. Like I'll grieve for you,
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mom, but we grieve on the times like their birthdays when their dad would do something
fun with them. The day of his death is not the time they grieve that much.
That does make sense though. Yeah, it's completely different.
So you still don't know why Friday was the day then.
Well, it lasted. This one also lasted longer than it ever has besides right after his death.
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So on the anniversary of his death, I have grieved maybe a day, but throughout the year
I've grieved a lot more too. This year, I haven't grieved very much throughout the year, but
I spent three days this time grieving. And that is the nature of grief that is so crazy
hard to deal with is because you think, am I getting sick? Am I just not feeling good?
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Am I just sad about the way I feel? And then all of a sudden it hits you and you're like,
oh crap, I'm grieving. I'm sad. I'm brutally sad.
So you know, I'm not a very emotional person, of course. I don't know why it's just not
in me, but how, how do you know it's grief for that unless you know it's grief for that?
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I mean, for me, it's black or white. You would know I'm getting sick or, you know, a person
can wake up and if I had mood, how do you know that that was grief for Rob?
Well, I actually didn't when I first woke up, but my thought process is that process where
I'm like, is your throat sore? No. Is this happening? No. Is this, I do the checklist.
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And then I get to the point of the emotional things and I go, are you sad over Rob? And
you can feel your body truly just go, oh, that's it. Like, I'm so, so sad. And it's weird.
Do you think, I know that just from talking to you in the past few weeks, you were in
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the middle of selling the house that both you and him lived in and he passed away in
a force of, you were coming to the, definitely by Friday, you were coming to the end, you
were getting a contract, you were getting everything signed off. Do you think that had
anything to do with it?
Well through that process, I have been very sad. Every time we got an offer, whether we
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had accepted it or not, I was crying and I kept thinking, oh my gosh, this is the end.
This is the last thing I have, which is not actually true, but it's the last big, big
thing that we had together. I don't believe that had anything to do with this weekend's
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grief, but it has grief in and of itself. And Jeff said to me, we don't have to sell
this Connie, we don't have to sell it because every time we get an offer or a, you know,
filter would call and say, we're sending you an offer. I wouldn't see the offer, I wouldn't
know anything about it. And in my mind, I was like, what if this is the offer that sells
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this house, then I no longer have the place that my family lived for all those years.
And I would kind of glorify it in my mind. But yes, when, when we finally did get a great
offer and it went, I mean, it, it looks at this point like it's going to go through.
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I've not had, I had some tears, a few tears, but ultimately I think the guy did it right.
He was kind of a pain in the butt. He was kind of hard and that made it really good for me
because I was like, dammit, let's just, let's get this thing sold. So I believe.
I can't give you a lot of chances to back out of it. Yeah. He really made it more exactly
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how I buy houses. It is not emotional. It is a business deal. And because of his analytical
thinking, maybe it's the best way for me to put it. It ended up being great for me because
I took the emotion out and I was like, you know what, let's do this. Let's get a deal
on the table that's, that we both can agree on and we did. So that was good.
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So Jeff was the real estate agent on your side, right? Your husband?
Yes.
Okay. Cause he's a real estate agent, but he wasn't the seller.
No, no, that was another realtor.
Okay.
I was going to say.
Another deduct being really good.
With that, I've made it, does it make it better or worse just on houses in general, whenever
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the seller and buyer is the same real estate agent.
Oh, well, for me, it makes it better.
Well, of course it does on the cost of selling.
And it could possibly make it better for the buyer. And here's why, because when a buyer
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and a seller can communicate together, a lot of times they can come to an agreement and
a deal. When you add two more people in the middle of that, you have all of these opinions.
And I absolutely despise that because I think I've lost several deals, which if I had known
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the motivation of the other person, they had known my motivation. I truly believe that
we could have come to an agreement, but there are a lot of real estate agents that bring
their own opinion into the sell of a house, which pisses me off.
Well, would it have made this one better, I guess, since it was your house, your and
Rob's house?
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No.
Because you really didn't know what was happening on the other side. I mean, we talked about
it because the contract's spiring and you're renewing them.
Yeah. So this was an emotional one.
Yeah. It was a roller coaster. And that's why I was wondering if he would have been
the seller, I don't know, supported the seller and the buyer if it would have been better.
Well, I think because I was emotional, he became emotional about it and he would have
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gotten really frustrated with this buyer because the buyer would get, he would, you
know, he would get a counteroffer and he would let it expire. And in my mind, I went, OK,
he's either done or he's playing a game.
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So I just wouldn't, I didn't want to play the game because I was emotional on this one.
And then at one point a week later, you know, he comes back into the scene. We have another
offer. We have another counteroffer. He lets that one expire. And by that time, Jeff was
just done. He was like, you know, screw this. And I was like, you know what? He's going
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to come back. And if he doesn't, then we know I'm not going to stress about it. It is exactly
how it's supposed to be. It was.
Let's see that. So how did you woke up Friday? You were emotional?
Mm hmm.
How did Jeff take it?
Oh, that's so sweet. Jeff said probably some of the best words to me this this grief stricken
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in time. I was going through this big grief about feeling guilty because I'm remarried.
I am madly in love with Jeff. And yet Rob and I didn't divorce. He died, you know. We
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had 26 years of history. We had children together. We had a family together. And sometimes it
feels like I'm cheating on him because I'm remarried. And yet, you know, you're not cheating
on them because he's not here. But you didn't have an ugly ending like so many divorces.
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There wasn't an agreement for an ending. It wasn't ugly. It wasn't. It was there was
just not an ending that was that we both decided on.
And so going in easier on doesn't make it easier on Jeff. Where do you think?
Well, I don't know if that's a that's a question for Jeff. What it does for me, this is what
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Jeff said because we were talking about that. And I was like, you know, I don't ever want
you to feel like you come in second. And I don't want to feel like, you know, I'm not
giving you my all when I'm still grieving Rob. And he he said to me these words and
it changed my whole perspective. He goes, Connie, that's kind of like saying my I can't
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love my second kid because I have so much love for my first kid. And he said love grows.
And I just went, oh, that's so true. Like I it was almost an immediate feeling for me
of going, okay, you don't have to feel guilty. You can love Jeff immensely. And you aren't
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cheating on Rob. You aren't cheating is not the right word, I guess. Yeah, I know what
you're saying. It's almost like a betrayal. It's not yeah, but you know, yeah, it's almost
like, do I feel like I haven't honored Rob? Because I got remarried. And and I think that's
a societal thing because the other day, you and I were actually at the same get together.
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And somebody mentioned how somebody moved on from a death very quickly. And I sat there
and I went, well, maybe that person was really sad. Maybe they were lonely. Maybe they had
just found somebody or that made them have everything they needed that maybe they didn't
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get in their previous marriage. I mean, there's so many pieces to moving on. And I think
time is such a such a thing that's looked down upon like, Oh, you have to agree for
9000 years. And then you can do something. It's so interesting though. So I had this
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conversation with Ellen because I mean, not to share too much, but you know, in my family,
longevity is not a big thing. We don't go very far tip. So I was just given, I mean,
we were kidding around, of course, but Ellen, of course, being my girlfriend, we were kidding
around. And I was, but I wasn't because once again, I don't know why I don't have that
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emotional to me as much as I do analytical. Don't get me wrong. I do have some emotions,
but I can almost override them with being analytical. And we were talking about it.
And I'm like, you know, if she was talking about heart, how heartbroken she would be
if I was to pass away. And I told her, I said, you know, I get that, but I would let you be
heartbroken for about a week and then you need to get over it. And she took such offense
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to that.
Yep.
And I might get it.
Why? But, but what, but let me step back. What I was trying to say, I know people, I
mean, from your stories and a few others, I know people that it will take a year or six
months before, you know, before they can even look at carrying on life in a different direction.
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And what I was trying to explain to her, I'm like, you know, death is part of, it's part
of something we have to put up with. And what I was trying to explain to her is, you know,
for a week, if you take off work or if you, you know, do what you need to do to get things
in order and to get emotions in order in a sense. But in a week, it's time to start carrying
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on with the structure of your life, you know, get back to your routines and stuff. I didn't
mean that, you know, in one week, we're going to start putting ourself on dating apps. But
I've, I've been around people that, that grief almost overwhelms them for six months, a year
to where they can barely function. And I just, you know, I don't want that from anybody
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or for you.
So I understand exactly what you're talking about because when I went to grief counseling,
there was a woman who had been in there three years and three years, three years, and we
were starting the meetings, we would have to say our name, we would have to say our
spouse's name, how they passed, how long it had been that type of thing. And she had
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grieved for three years and she was still at the point of being, and it may have been
her only moments to really grieve, but she was so distraught still that she could almost
not, well, she was not very much part of the meeting. It was like she had, she just couldn't
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talk about it still. And that was three years in. And I remember that night sitting there
going, I don't want to be like that. I don't, I always want to know that I've loved Rob.
I want to know that I will honor him, but how disappointed he would be in me if I just
gave up. He'd be like, bitch, you are on earth, you are living, you are celebrating. Go have
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a great time too. You know, he would be like every once in a while, you know, think of
me, but-
And he'd be proud that you carried on what he's doing. You didn't, you didn't throw
everything he was doing to the side and change directions either. You, you know, you guys
had businesses, you, you were doing what he would have wanted you to do is carry on what
he was doing because it was really good for you guys, what he was doing.
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Right.
And, you know, now you've somewhat, you know, you're building a nest egg and some businesses
for future with your kids if they want that, of course, but you haven't completely switched
directions and changed yourself as a person, which I also see. I also see somebody that,
you know, live one way with a husband and when they pass away or divorce, they completely
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become a different person. And you didn't, you didn't do that, which leads me to believe
that, you know, Connie knows who Connie is and, and you're, you're a true person today.
And the second thing I wanted to say is kudos to Jeff. I mean, think about the situation
he's in. I mean, not that he's trying to live up to Rob. I'm not saying that. It's not that
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way, but that's a, that's a tough situation. You know, a lot of people when they get divorced,
at least there's some, hate's not the right word probably, but there's some, there's some
ill feelings towards the other person, no matter what. So it's much easier to walk in
and say, well, what did they do wrong? I'm not going to do that any longer. He can't
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do that. So it's tough. That's a tough situation and kudos to him.
Yeah, exactly. And you know what? You said this to me too, because you and I had this
conversation when he and I started dating and I was like, you know, I don't understand
how he can't be like, oh man, I'm going to be sick and I'm going to be this and you're
like, I wouldn't think that. And I'm like, really? And I think it is a man woman thing
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for the most part. Like women have this comparison thing going on where I think men take, most
men take things for face value. And Jeff definitely has. He's like, I'm me. You fell
in love with me. Here it is. And yeah, Rob allows, Rob is allowed in our life, I guess,
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to a certain extent.
Well, what's great about that, you're not having to hide any of your feelings. You
woke up Friday upset. You can actually share all that with Jeff and talk with him about
it. And he's not going to get upset. I mean, honestly, Connie, there's not a lot of the
guys out there would have been, you know, at the, at the very least really uncomfortable
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with that conversation.
Really?
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, as a guy, we want to think we can fix everything and that now
that we're involved with you, everything's perfect. You know, you basically show decide
that he can't fix. There's no way. I mean, and that's okay that he doesn't. It's better
that he's just there when you have those moments or times. And, you know, he helps you through
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them instead of fixing them because he can't fix that. He'll never be able to fix that.
Well, you know, that's interesting. We should sometime talk to him about that too, because
I don't know what it's like to sit in his shoes. I just know what it's like to sit
in mine, but I can tell you when he's holding me because, and we've had this discussion,
he's holding me because I'm crying over another man. Let me tell you, it makes me adore him
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and love him and like, hang on to him more than he is so freaking precious to me. And
not just for that reason, but that builds on top of it. He is exactly what I needed.
I mean, when we first met, I used to say, Oh, I think God and Rob conspired to send him
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to me because he's so perfect. And two years later, well, longer than two years later,
it's so true. It is so true.
That's awesome. Yeah, it's awesome. He gives you that. So you, you, Friday, you had the
emotional throughout the weekend. Were you very emotional? And today's the actual day,
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right? Today's the day. And I actually so, oh gosh, this is kind of weird. I have his
earn because we had no place to really bury it. We did the funeral home. What they did
was they kept some ashes back. So we actually put those in fireworks and blew those up because
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that was his favorite holiday and he loved big fireworks. So we had some of his ashes
packed in fireworks and blew them up on the 4th of July. But I do have an earn. And what
I did was I just went up to the earn and I was like, Well, four years you've been gone.
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I miss your voice. I hope you are so happy and I hope you get to celebrate with all the
people that you love. Me and the boys miss you. I love you. And I just blew him a kiss
and that was it. And I didn't shed a tear. I didn't do anything because my grief was
done this weekend.
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That's awesome. Well, it's weird. Grief is the craziest thing. It is. But it's great
that you, you've got an outlet that you can have that grief, share it with Jeff in a sense
and not worry about it. I still go back to that, you know, it takes quite a man to be
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okay with that. That's a tough situation. So you should appreciate him a lot.
Very, very true. So.
One other question real quick. I know we've had other friends that have had loved ones
pass away, maybe not so much spouses. You think it's the same for them Connie or do
you think it's completely different if it's a brother, a sister, a parent? I mean, I've
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had all of those passed away. I've had a brother, sister and a parent, but I'm just wanting
your view.
So I have had other people in my life pass away too. I will tell you that grief is different
for everybody. And I have learned not to judge grief at all. And I try really when people
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say, oh, this person did this in grief. I, it, it takes all I can to keep my mouth shut.
Because until somebody has been through several different types of grief, I think they don't
understand that grief can't be judged. So when I say that, I think when you are with
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somebody intimately, there's a different level of grief.
I guess so because you're expecting to be with that person grow old, a lot of memories,
especially kids and all that you're sharing.
Right. And you have, you've built your life with them and around them. And then all of
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a sudden it's gone. So I think when you have that intimate relationship with somebody,
there might be an extra layer to that rather than like, you know, my grandpa dying or that
was different than maybe when my mom dies, but they're both different from my spouse
dying.
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Do you know, of course, my mom passed away many years back. I was three jobs ago, I guess,
trying to think how many years it was, but
That's funny that you do it based on jobs. That is completely analytical.
Good.
It is because I can tell you how, how many years I worked in each job. It's easier for
me to calculate. But what's funny, I was actually working on a Saturday when they called and
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told me, well, actually my brother-in-law said, Hey, you got to come out to your moms
now. And to be honest, just from the conversation, he, I mean, his tone of voice, I knew something
was up and got out there and he had passed away. But in this almost, when I tell you
this, it almost seems selfish, but the biggest thing from mom, which is the closest one to
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me passing away, I've had, I say that I've had a sister and two brothers passed away
and my mom, but with my mom passing away, what was so interesting, I remember going
out there. I remember, you know, we waited on the corner together. My sister, I think
ended up finding her in the bathroom. She was in the shower. No foul play. It was natural
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causes is what they called it. So, you know, it wasn't anything like that.
The biggest thing in my head though, and it sounds so selfish was I've lost my backup
because all the way through life, I thought, well, you know what, if this doesn't work
out and I go bankrupt or this doesn't work out, I could always go home. You know,
mama always let me stay there for a little while until I recover. You know what I'm saying.
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You've always got that backup. And I remember in my head when I was driving home that night,
I'm like, well, shit, I'm on my own now. I mean, you truly, you know, that was the one person
that I thought always had your back no matter what, you know, they always had your back and
that person now is gone. So, I don't think that sounds selfish at all. I think
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the way you word it is exactly, you know, there goes my backup, but you're putting that in a really
bad light where the reality is as a parent, we always want to be the protector of our children.
We always want to be the one that they can fall back to. And that's exactly, we want to be the
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foundation for them where they know, they know love, they know caring, they know, you know,
they know safety with us. And so when she passed away where you say, there goes my backup, what
you really meant was there goes my safety net, there goes my foundation, there goes my protection,
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there goes my love. I mean, all of those things I think are parental love.
And think about it, you know, you can go through divorce, which I did, of course,
and you can lose people through divorce or just, you know, arguments with friends,
whatever that would look like. But when you look at a parent, it's like, in a kid's eyes,
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it's almost like, well, no matter what I do, they'll end up loving me. And when that's gone,
that's when you really feel like you have, you're going to face the world for the rest of your life
on your own. Even if you've got a great wife, that's fine. You still, you don't have that backup,
that safety. So that's an interesting thought. How was that different than your brothers or
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your, you said you had a sister who passed too? Yeah, I had a sister, well, yeah, I've got
one brother left and one sister and we were, I had five brothers and sisters.
Okay, so how was your, like, talk to me about that? Because I've not had a family member other than
I have my grandpa and my aunt, but those are not just, they don't live with me.
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How was it? How did you experience grief with your siblings? Well, each one of them was a
little different. There was my sister I was probably closest to, but also my sister,
after my mom had passed away, she was kind of the glue of the family. She would make
everybody to get together for a playing card, you know what I mean, bring the family. And she
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would kind of guilt you into, you're coming over here for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So
she was, when she passed away, oh, and, and it's terrible. I still have, and I can't get rid of them,
voicemails on my phone, because I would drive back and forth to work, which was an hour. And if I
didn't call her at least once every couple of weeks, she would leave me a voicemail and say,
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Scott, on your way home, you need to call me. I haven't talked to you in a while. And we would
have that conversation for 45 minutes, whatever it would be all the way home. So I was probably
closer to her. But which I lived once again, an hour away from her, it, that changed the relationship
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a little bit. But when she passed away, what ended up happening is even her kids and her
husband, my brother-in-law, you become more distant to them. I mean, I used to go play ball with the
kids. I used to, I mean, I helped, I helped teach them how to play baseball and field, you know,
the ball in the outfield and, and grounders and stuff. And it's so weird because now I may talk
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with them just through Facebook is all. So yeah, changed it completely. So now we don't have the
big get-togethers, even the rest of the family that's left. We just don't do that any longer.
And we're a little more disconnected because of that. So that's what I think is the hard part of
grief is that, well, of death is that the little things start changing also. So where I have the
(33:07):
big response close to the day he died, there are the little things that you and I both have to mourn
also. So it's kind of never ending. You know, I'll see something and I'll be like, man, I wish I had
Rob to talk to you about that. Or, you know, the other day I drove by a house that we had
(33:32):
flipped together and I was like, oh my gosh. And then I'm like, crap, I can't call him
and tell him that, you know, it's those type of things that will always affect me for the
rest of my life. Or when one of the boys gets married, I'll be like, shoot, Rob would have
probably liked to have seen that. Or, you know, those kind of things. So that's where grief is.
(33:53):
And, you know, my, I think my advice to people would be number one, don't let anybody define your
grief. Don't do it. You get to choose how you grieve when you grieve. And I would also say,
(34:14):
get in a group. The group taught me so much. And here's why it taught me a lot. It taught me,
I saw people that I didn't want to be like. And I saw people I wanted to be like, and they made
it okay for me to move on. And that's where a group was really important for me.
But, but also I, I mean, you know, it's easier on my side, but, but knowing you,
(34:39):
knowing Jeff as well as I do now, what's cool is you never have to forget or act like you've
forgotten Rob. And, you know, that's the thing about a mom or a sibling on my side. I never have
to do that in any relationship. It's not expected. So I think being or, or finding somebody,
if you're going to have that next relationship that understands that and allows that because I,
(35:03):
I think it's healthy. I think you need that. I think you, especially if you have kids, you know,
it is their dad, they need to be able to celebrate his birthday if that's what they want to do
without feeling guilt from some. Yeah, that's very true. That is very, very true. And yeah,
I mean, once you've moved on, that is a completely different aspect. You know, again,
(35:26):
I think, yeah, it'd be great to have Jeff on here and talking about how he handles that because
if I were in the same shoes, I would probably be like, dude, come on. You know, let's,
let's move on. And like I said, he's just, he's not like that. He just sees things. Maybe that's
(35:47):
where his empathy comes in. Cause, you know, he was a firefighter. He saw some of the worst things.
And I think he kind of goes, okay, that's not really important. This is what's important.
So I think that's a big, big part of his heart is that he's so empathetic and yet really,
really strong too. So I kind of got the best of both worlds.
(36:09):
Yeah, I think it'd be interesting seeing what your friends, the view of them, you know, what
did they, were they concerned for you? What was their thoughts? How all that was, you know,
like right after? Yeah. And how it was affecting you and what they could do to help because I,
I know having that support, you know, that friend network or support network is, it's critical.
(36:35):
Well, I'll tell you what, when that became so important was during the dating. And that's
when you came in is we met right before I was supposed to that my counselor said,
you've got to start dating. You've got to learn how to deal with people. You've got to learn how
people function in life now. You've been with the same man for so long, you know,
(36:59):
and that's where you came in. So you can speak to that because that really, truly was the transition
for me was when I finally went, I got to get out in the world.
And I would, so I'd love to talk to one of your friends on that, on the podcast. And the reason,
and you know, my views a little different, Ani, I knew you from high school and I knew you after
(37:20):
Rob. I only knew you and Rob together through Facebook and stuff like that. So I didn't have
that connection with Rob. Right. So when I say it was easy, I don't mean it that way. But I think
I could, it was easy, it was easy for me to be really unbiased about everything because I didn't
know Rob and to hell. I'm just wondering, did, did your, would your friends have felt guilty
(37:48):
setting you up right away when I say right away six months later, a year later, whenever that was,
it'd be interesting just to understand their views and how they go.
Great question. I don't know. That is a good question. I will tell you what other is the kind
of a weird transition is that I felt like I was friends with a lot of people that he was friends
(38:10):
with. I felt like we had mutual friends and I think this happens in divorce too. But after he
died, it was like, we'll check on you for, you know, the first week or two after he dies. And then
after that, you just hear nothing. I mean, it is radio silence. And it's one of the strangest things.
(38:33):
It's very strange because I can post, you know, today is the anniversary of Rob and
they don't say a word and I just think, what, what's happening? And I think a lot of them do get
angry because I did move on. I did get remarried. I mean, granted, it was two years later,
but it still was two years later, two and something odd months. I don't know.
(38:58):
Yeah. I mean, humans are strange. Let's just, we are, I mean, everybody sees everything so
different. I mean, why do you think politics are the way it is? But, you know, everybody does see
it different. And, you know, shame on them if they think you should spend the rest of your life alone,
you know, basically worshiping Rob. And I don't mean it that way. But if you
(39:19):
did nothing but look at everything Rob did and admire it and, you know, in a sense, you are a
worship, you needed to have a life. So shame on them if that's really what they thought. But,
but I also wonder, and I'm telling you, people don't know what to say. People don't know sometimes
(39:39):
what they shouldn't shouldn't say, especially if you're looking at Facebook or social media,
because they don't want to get crucified from somebody else that may have a different opinion.
Correct. And that's fair. I mean, you again, my recommendation is you, you know, you grieve
the way you feel like grieving, get involved in a group. And you know what, if I had to look back
(40:06):
and I actually speak on this sometimes is how death affects a family. And please, please, please,
if you do nothing else, get a life insurance policy that covers one year, one year, that's it,
of expenses for your family. Turn right. Talk about that soon.
(40:29):
I think we can do a whole podcast on that because I've got a lot of ideas. So yeah, I,
so I've done several talks on that. And people are so amazed at, here's the deal, Rob and I own
two businesses together. I was involved in it. He was involved in it. I had a very, very easy
(40:50):
transition because I knew the ins and outs of almost anything. And I still ran into some hiccups.
I will actually tell you a quick, quick story just that happened two months ago. I, I'm big on having
things auto drafted from my account. And there was a Bank of America charge. And I was like,
(41:12):
what in the world? And I went back, well, it's been drafted. It was just, it was like 23 bucks.
It's not very much at all. Like, what in the heck? Because I knew I have a Bank of America card.
And I'm like, I have not used this card in ages. So I go on my online and this is how easy things
can slip through. Because I'm pretty meticulous about this. I, I didn't have any charges on mine.
(41:38):
So I'm like, what in the world? So I call Bank of America and they're like, oh, yeah, this is
being auto drafted from Rob Clofill's thing. And I was like, Oh, I'll send you his death certificate.
And there was only like $1,000 on it. It wasn't very much. But I was like, well, he passed away.
And she said, well, you're an authorized user. And I was like, I'm an authorized user. And I
(42:03):
didn't even know because I have my own card. So I don't understand what's happening here.
So I told her, I said, that makes no sense to me. Close it down. Well, I had a credit score of
$8509. And the next month, it had gone down to 716. And I went, what in the heck? So I disputed it
(42:31):
with one of the trans union, you know, one of the credit places who I just sent them the death
certificate. And they were like, Oh, yeah. So now my credit score is back up to the $8509. Well,
actually a little less, but it's right in the eight fifties. And I was like, how crazy is that
that somebody can put me as an authorized user? I didn't know it. I don't have one of his cards.
(42:54):
I overlooked that card. And when they closed down his account from dying, I got nailed for it.
And I was like, uh, those little things like that, when you were in the depths of grief,
I brutal. Yeah. I would have been livid if that had happened within that first year.
(43:17):
You know, so four years later, it's good it happened now. I mean, I'm mad that I paid that much,
but it is what it is. So, you know, but those are the things.
Let's plan on talking about finances after a transition like that. I know you've had death
and mine was a divorce after 23 years because there's some similarities, you know, of course,
(43:39):
a lot of differences, but there's a lot whenever something like this happens,
that a person could be ready for or, you know, and I'm not saying that if you're getting ready to
get divorced, go stash a bunch of money. It's not that, but I mean, you can. Yeah. I mean,
I think women need to be protected, especially so many women walk out of a marriage with nothing.
(44:00):
Well, and that could be, but I think that we could have that discussion. I think that's either a bad
lawyer or up to them, but no matter what, I mean, going to get a house note, you know,
getting your first credit card after even getting names off of a bank account, all of that,
(44:20):
it's so interesting, you know, it's not easy to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. That is another whole
another podcast. So yeah, but that is the transition here is, I mean, that is the thing here is that
grief, yeah, grief is, is your own. You get to own it and you get to experience it the way you want to.
(44:42):
But so Connie, I want to say thanks for sharing those stories because that was pretty interesting
over the weekend, how that affected you and how Jeff could help you through it and all that.
And I think it's a great story to hear and it shows some promise from if you did have a spouse
pass away that life can carry on after it just takes a little effort to get to that point.
(45:05):
It really does, but you can do it. I promise you can, you can come out of it like a Phoenix and
learn so much about yourself and be better than you ever thought you were. I know I did.
That is exactly what I did. So yeah, I can't wait to hear what next week brings with our conversation.
(45:26):
And we'll talk to you next week. All right. Thank you, Connie. Thank you. Talk to you soon.
All right. Bye.
Okay. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Our Life Beyond. We really hope that
you found our discussion insightful and inspiring or at least brought us milder your day. If you
(45:47):
did enjoy this episode, please consider subscribing to the podcast on your favorite platform and
leave us a review. For more information, resources or show notes, visit our website at
ourlifebeyond.com. You can also follow us on social media, search for us on Facebook at Our Life
Beyond. We would love to hear from you, our listeners. So feel free to reach out with your
(46:09):
questions, comments or suggestions through our contact us page at ourlifebeyond.com or on social
media. And once again, thank you for joining us on this journey. Till next time, remember
Life Beyond any challenge is possible and we're here to navigate it with you. Stay strong, stay
positive and keep moving forward.
Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Our Life Beyond the podcast where we explore how
(00:12):
to navigate and hopefully thrive through some of life's biggest transitions. I'm your
co-host Scott Dibben and I've teamed up with my great friend and mentor Connie King to
share some stories, strategies, and insights that helped us adapt to the ever-changing
seasons of our life. Whether your life transition is divorce, death of a loved one, switching
(00:34):
careers, moving to a new city, or just trying to figure out what the hell is next, where
with you every step of the way. But always remember, we're not therapists, just fellow
travelers with a knack for finding humor in the chaos. And maybe some untraditional method
of overcoming what life dishes out to us. Hopefully you'll have fun embarking on this
(00:55):
journey. So now let's get started. Welcome to Our Life Beyond, episode one, Big Life
Transitions. Hello, Scott. Well, hello, Connie. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm doing
well. Well, I'm excited today. We are doing our first episode of the podcast. How are
(01:19):
you feeling? Oh, good. There was a lot to set this up, but I think we're ready. I think
so. So what's going on with you today? Well, today is the... What was going on with you
this weekend too? So let's bundle that together. Well, today is the four-year anniversary of
(01:43):
the death of Rob, my husband, my late husband. I guess it would be late. He's not here. So
it's weird because what happens to me is I am now at that point four years in, I'm
remarried to an amazing man. Yours are great. And so I kind of go through this where my
(02:08):
grief is not great. And when grief hits me, I really don't recognize it very well. I just
think, oh, I don't feel good. Oh, I'm just sad today. And I'm not a sad person. So it's
off-kilter. But what happened was on Friday, I woke up and just almost immediately started
(02:30):
crying. And I kept thinking, what is wrong with me? What's wrong? Why am I so sad? Why
am I... I just didn't understand why my feelings were the way they were. And I started thinking
about it and I went, Rob's four-year death anniversary is Monday.
So you don't think you had a dream about it? I mean, something brought it up to you or
(02:52):
front of your memory. Do you want to know my theory?
Yeah. So I don't know if you've ever read the book, The Body remembers, but I swear to
you, my body around that time period, because it's happened every year and it may not be
exactly on the date, but my body starts remembering the stress of that day, the shock of that
(03:18):
day, and it starts going through the grief process. Whether I want to or not, it's very
interesting because it's happened the last, like the first year after Rob died, I think
I was very aware of it. But then after that, maybe a couple days ahead of time, but I think
(03:40):
it was one of those things where it was like, yeah, he passed away a couple years ago. But
this year, four years in, it really hit me on Friday and it continued into Saturday and
it continued into yesterday.
And social media takes part in, I mean, are you seeing memories on Facebook or Instagram
(04:02):
or something that causes some of that?
Actually I've not seen one memory this year, the years before. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? I
did not see one memory. And when I ask the boys about it, I'm like, oh, you know, your
dad's four year anniversary of his death is coming up. And they actually are very, how
(04:25):
do I put it? I don't want to say they don't care. But I think when your kids lose a parent,
they grieve in different ways and they grieve differently and at different times, like for
them, his death anniversary, they weren't there until I called them. You know, I was there,
I was in the midst of it. So today is that day where I really, really feel it, where
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I think they kind of go, eh, let's push that aside a little bit. So it's not as important
to them today. It's just kind of that thing where they go, we want to remember the great
memories that we had of dad, not that day. So it's been interesting.
(05:11):
So do they reach out to you? Do you guys acknowledge that day or anything?
So in the past, I have called them and I've been like, Hey, how you doing? Just to check
up on them. And they're like, yeah, we're, we're good. And I'm like, do you want to
talk about anything? And both of them have said to me, mom, you're the one who has great
(05:35):
grief about this because you were so into that. I was ingrained in the death itself.
You know, I was there that day I gave him CPR. I did all of this stuff. So with that
happening, I think it just hits me completely different than somebody getting a call going,
(05:56):
Hey, you need to come home, come to our house. You know, and then when they get there, they
find out their dad's passed away. So I used to try and acknowledge it with them. It kind
of got to the point where they were like, I want, I want to feel like it was almost
like they were appeasing me, you know, feel bad about it. Yeah. Like I'll grieve for you,
(06:22):
mom, but we grieve on the times like their birthdays when their dad would do something
fun with them. The day of his death is not the time they grieve that much.
That does make sense though. Yeah, it's completely different.
So you still don't know why Friday was the day then.
Well, it lasted. This one also lasted longer than it ever has besides right after his death.
(06:46):
So on the anniversary of his death, I have grieved maybe a day, but throughout the year
I've grieved a lot more too. This year, I haven't grieved very much throughout the year, but
I spent three days this time grieving. And that is the nature of grief that is so crazy
hard to deal with is because you think, am I getting sick? Am I just not feeling good?
(07:09):
Am I just sad about the way I feel? And then all of a sudden it hits you and you're like,
oh crap, I'm grieving. I'm sad. I'm brutally sad.
So you know, I'm not a very emotional person, of course. I don't know why it's just not
in me, but how, how do you know it's grief for that unless you know it's grief for that?
(07:33):
I mean, for me, it's black or white. You would know I'm getting sick or, you know, a person
can wake up and if I had mood, how do you know that that was grief for Rob?
Well, I actually didn't when I first woke up, but my thought process is that process where
I'm like, is your throat sore? No. Is this happening? No. Is this, I do the checklist.
(07:57):
And then I get to the point of the emotional things and I go, are you sad over Rob? And
you can feel your body truly just go, oh, that's it. Like, I'm so, so sad. And it's weird.
Do you think, I know that just from talking to you in the past few weeks, you were in
(08:21):
the middle of selling the house that both you and him lived in and he passed away in
a force of, you were coming to the, definitely by Friday, you were coming to the end, you
were getting a contract, you were getting everything signed off. Do you think that had
anything to do with it?
Well through that process, I have been very sad. Every time we got an offer, whether we
(08:43):
had accepted it or not, I was crying and I kept thinking, oh my gosh, this is the end.
This is the last thing I have, which is not actually true, but it's the last big, big
thing that we had together. I don't believe that had anything to do with this weekend's
(09:03):
grief, but it has grief in and of itself. And Jeff said to me, we don't have to sell
this Connie, we don't have to sell it because every time we get an offer or a, you know,
filter would call and say, we're sending you an offer. I wouldn't see the offer, I wouldn't
know anything about it. And in my mind, I was like, what if this is the offer that sells
(09:29):
this house, then I no longer have the place that my family lived for all those years.
And I would kind of glorify it in my mind. But yes, when, when we finally did get a great
offer and it went, I mean, it, it looks at this point like it's going to go through.
(09:55):
I've not had, I had some tears, a few tears, but ultimately I think the guy did it right.
He was kind of a pain in the butt. He was kind of hard and that made it really good for me
because I was like, dammit, let's just, let's get this thing sold. So I believe.
I can't give you a lot of chances to back out of it. Yeah. He really made it more exactly
(10:18):
how I buy houses. It is not emotional. It is a business deal. And because of his analytical
thinking, maybe it's the best way for me to put it. It ended up being great for me because
I took the emotion out and I was like, you know what, let's do this. Let's get a deal
on the table that's, that we both can agree on and we did. So that was good.
(10:42):
So Jeff was the real estate agent on your side, right? Your husband?
Yes.
Okay. Cause he's a real estate agent, but he wasn't the seller.
No, no, that was another realtor.
Okay.
I was going to say.
Another deduct being really good.
With that, I've made it, does it make it better or worse just on houses in general, whenever
(11:03):
the seller and buyer is the same real estate agent.
Oh, well, for me, it makes it better.
Well, of course it does on the cost of selling.
And it could possibly make it better for the buyer. And here's why, because when a buyer
(11:24):
and a seller can communicate together, a lot of times they can come to an agreement and
a deal. When you add two more people in the middle of that, you have all of these opinions.
And I absolutely despise that because I think I've lost several deals, which if I had known
(11:45):
the motivation of the other person, they had known my motivation. I truly believe that
we could have come to an agreement, but there are a lot of real estate agents that bring
their own opinion into the sell of a house, which pisses me off.
Well, would it have made this one better, I guess, since it was your house, your and
Rob's house?
(12:06):
No.
Because you really didn't know what was happening on the other side. I mean, we talked about
it because the contract's spiring and you're renewing them.
Yeah. So this was an emotional one.
Yeah. It was a roller coaster. And that's why I was wondering if he would have been
the seller, I don't know, supported the seller and the buyer if it would have been better.
Well, I think because I was emotional, he became emotional about it and he would have
(12:30):
gotten really frustrated with this buyer because the buyer would get, he would, you
know, he would get a counteroffer and he would let it expire. And in my mind, I went, OK,
he's either done or he's playing a game.
(12:52):
So I just wouldn't, I didn't want to play the game because I was emotional on this one.
And then at one point a week later, you know, he comes back into the scene. We have another
offer. We have another counteroffer. He lets that one expire. And by that time, Jeff was
just done. He was like, you know, screw this. And I was like, you know what? He's going
(13:17):
to come back. And if he doesn't, then we know I'm not going to stress about it. It is exactly
how it's supposed to be. It was.
Let's see that. So how did you woke up Friday? You were emotional?
Mm hmm.
How did Jeff take it?
Oh, that's so sweet. Jeff said probably some of the best words to me this this grief stricken
(13:43):
in time. I was going through this big grief about feeling guilty because I'm remarried.
I am madly in love with Jeff. And yet Rob and I didn't divorce. He died, you know. We
(14:04):
had 26 years of history. We had children together. We had a family together. And sometimes it
feels like I'm cheating on him because I'm remarried. And yet, you know, you're not cheating
on them because he's not here. But you didn't have an ugly ending like so many divorces.
(14:26):
There wasn't an agreement for an ending. It wasn't ugly. It wasn't. It was there was
just not an ending that was that we both decided on.
And so going in easier on doesn't make it easier on Jeff. Where do you think?
Well, I don't know if that's a that's a question for Jeff. What it does for me, this is what
(14:48):
Jeff said because we were talking about that. And I was like, you know, I don't ever want
you to feel like you come in second. And I don't want to feel like, you know, I'm not
giving you my all when I'm still grieving Rob. And he he said to me these words and
it changed my whole perspective. He goes, Connie, that's kind of like saying my I can't
(15:09):
love my second kid because I have so much love for my first kid. And he said love grows.
And I just went, oh, that's so true. Like I it was almost an immediate feeling for me
of going, okay, you don't have to feel guilty. You can love Jeff immensely. And you aren't
(15:34):
cheating on Rob. You aren't cheating is not the right word, I guess. Yeah, I know what
you're saying. It's almost like a betrayal. It's not yeah, but you know, yeah, it's almost
like, do I feel like I haven't honored Rob? Because I got remarried. And and I think that's
a societal thing because the other day, you and I were actually at the same get together.
(16:01):
And somebody mentioned how somebody moved on from a death very quickly. And I sat there
and I went, well, maybe that person was really sad. Maybe they were lonely. Maybe they had
just found somebody or that made them have everything they needed that maybe they didn't
(16:21):
get in their previous marriage. I mean, there's so many pieces to moving on. And I think
time is such a such a thing that's looked down upon like, Oh, you have to agree for
9000 years. And then you can do something. It's so interesting though. So I had this
(16:42):
conversation with Ellen because I mean, not to share too much, but you know, in my family,
longevity is not a big thing. We don't go very far tip. So I was just given, I mean,
we were kidding around, of course, but Ellen, of course, being my girlfriend, we were kidding
around. And I was, but I wasn't because once again, I don't know why I don't have that
(17:06):
emotional to me as much as I do analytical. Don't get me wrong. I do have some emotions,
but I can almost override them with being analytical. And we were talking about it.
And I'm like, you know, if she was talking about heart, how heartbroken she would be
if I was to pass away. And I told her, I said, you know, I get that, but I would let you be
heartbroken for about a week and then you need to get over it. And she took such offense
(17:30):
to that.
Yep.
And I might get it.
Why? But, but what, but let me step back. What I was trying to say, I know people, I
mean, from your stories and a few others, I know people that it will take a year or six
months before, you know, before they can even look at carrying on life in a different direction.
(17:53):
And what I was trying to explain to her, I'm like, you know, death is part of, it's part
of something we have to put up with. And what I was trying to explain to her is, you know,
for a week, if you take off work or if you, you know, do what you need to do to get things
in order and to get emotions in order in a sense. But in a week, it's time to start carrying
(18:20):
on with the structure of your life, you know, get back to your routines and stuff. I didn't
mean that, you know, in one week, we're going to start putting ourself on dating apps. But
I've, I've been around people that, that grief almost overwhelms them for six months, a year
to where they can barely function. And I just, you know, I don't want that from anybody
(18:42):
or for you.
So I understand exactly what you're talking about because when I went to grief counseling,
there was a woman who had been in there three years and three years, three years, and we
were starting the meetings, we would have to say our name, we would have to say our
spouse's name, how they passed, how long it had been that type of thing. And she had
(19:03):
grieved for three years and she was still at the point of being, and it may have been
her only moments to really grieve, but she was so distraught still that she could almost
not, well, she was not very much part of the meeting. It was like she had, she just couldn't
(19:31):
talk about it still. And that was three years in. And I remember that night sitting there
going, I don't want to be like that. I don't, I always want to know that I've loved Rob.
I want to know that I will honor him, but how disappointed he would be in me if I just
gave up. He'd be like, bitch, you are on earth, you are living, you are celebrating. Go have
(19:56):
a great time too. You know, he would be like every once in a while, you know, think of
me, but-
And he'd be proud that you carried on what he's doing. You didn't, you didn't throw
everything he was doing to the side and change directions either. You, you know, you guys
had businesses, you, you were doing what he would have wanted you to do is carry on what
he was doing because it was really good for you guys, what he was doing.
(20:20):
Right.
And, you know, now you've somewhat, you know, you're building a nest egg and some businesses
for future with your kids if they want that, of course, but you haven't completely switched
directions and changed yourself as a person, which I also see. I also see somebody that,
you know, live one way with a husband and when they pass away or divorce, they completely
(20:42):
become a different person. And you didn't, you didn't do that, which leads me to believe
that, you know, Connie knows who Connie is and, and you're, you're a true person today.
And the second thing I wanted to say is kudos to Jeff. I mean, think about the situation
he's in. I mean, not that he's trying to live up to Rob. I'm not saying that. It's not that
(21:02):
way, but that's a, that's a tough situation. You know, a lot of people when they get divorced,
at least there's some, hate's not the right word probably, but there's some, there's some
ill feelings towards the other person, no matter what. So it's much easier to walk in
and say, well, what did they do wrong? I'm not going to do that any longer. He can't
(21:24):
do that. So it's tough. That's a tough situation and kudos to him.
Yeah, exactly. And you know what? You said this to me too, because you and I had this
conversation when he and I started dating and I was like, you know, I don't understand
how he can't be like, oh man, I'm going to be sick and I'm going to be this and you're
like, I wouldn't think that. And I'm like, really? And I think it is a man woman thing
(21:48):
for the most part. Like women have this comparison thing going on where I think men take, most
men take things for face value. And Jeff definitely has. He's like, I'm me. You fell
in love with me. Here it is. And yeah, Rob allows, Rob is allowed in our life, I guess,
(22:13):
to a certain extent.
Well, what's great about that, you're not having to hide any of your feelings. You
woke up Friday upset. You can actually share all that with Jeff and talk with him about
it. And he's not going to get upset. I mean, honestly, Connie, there's not a lot of the
guys out there would have been, you know, at the, at the very least really uncomfortable
(22:35):
with that conversation.
Really?
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, as a guy, we want to think we can fix everything and that now
that we're involved with you, everything's perfect. You know, you basically show decide
that he can't fix. There's no way. I mean, and that's okay that he doesn't. It's better
that he's just there when you have those moments or times. And, you know, he helps you through
(22:58):
them instead of fixing them because he can't fix that. He'll never be able to fix that.
Well, you know, that's interesting. We should sometime talk to him about that too, because
I don't know what it's like to sit in his shoes. I just know what it's like to sit
in mine, but I can tell you when he's holding me because, and we've had this discussion,
he's holding me because I'm crying over another man. Let me tell you, it makes me adore him
(23:22):
and love him and like, hang on to him more than he is so freaking precious to me. And
not just for that reason, but that builds on top of it. He is exactly what I needed.
I mean, when we first met, I used to say, Oh, I think God and Rob conspired to send him
(23:45):
to me because he's so perfect. And two years later, well, longer than two years later,
it's so true. It is so true.
That's awesome. Yeah, it's awesome. He gives you that. So you, you, Friday, you had the
emotional throughout the weekend. Were you very emotional? And today's the actual day,
(24:08):
right? Today's the day. And I actually so, oh gosh, this is kind of weird. I have his
earn because we had no place to really bury it. We did the funeral home. What they did
was they kept some ashes back. So we actually put those in fireworks and blew those up because
(24:30):
that was his favorite holiday and he loved big fireworks. So we had some of his ashes
packed in fireworks and blew them up on the 4th of July. But I do have an earn. And what
I did was I just went up to the earn and I was like, Well, four years you've been gone.
(24:53):
I miss your voice. I hope you are so happy and I hope you get to celebrate with all the
people that you love. Me and the boys miss you. I love you. And I just blew him a kiss
and that was it. And I didn't shed a tear. I didn't do anything because my grief was
done this weekend.
(25:14):
That's awesome. Well, it's weird. Grief is the craziest thing. It is. But it's great
that you, you've got an outlet that you can have that grief, share it with Jeff in a sense
and not worry about it. I still go back to that, you know, it takes quite a man to be
(25:34):
okay with that. That's a tough situation. So you should appreciate him a lot.
Very, very true. So.
One other question real quick. I know we've had other friends that have had loved ones
pass away, maybe not so much spouses. You think it's the same for them Connie or do
you think it's completely different if it's a brother, a sister, a parent? I mean, I've
(25:58):
had all of those passed away. I've had a brother, sister and a parent, but I'm just wanting
your view.
So I have had other people in my life pass away too. I will tell you that grief is different
for everybody. And I have learned not to judge grief at all. And I try really when people
(26:23):
say, oh, this person did this in grief. I, it, it takes all I can to keep my mouth shut.
Because until somebody has been through several different types of grief, I think they don't
understand that grief can't be judged. So when I say that, I think when you are with
(26:45):
somebody intimately, there's a different level of grief.
I guess so because you're expecting to be with that person grow old, a lot of memories,
especially kids and all that you're sharing.
Right. And you have, you've built your life with them and around them. And then all of
(27:07):
a sudden it's gone. So I think when you have that intimate relationship with somebody,
there might be an extra layer to that rather than like, you know, my grandpa dying or that
was different than maybe when my mom dies, but they're both different from my spouse
dying.
(27:27):
Do you know, of course, my mom passed away many years back. I was three jobs ago, I guess,
trying to think how many years it was, but
That's funny that you do it based on jobs. That is completely analytical.
Good.
It is because I can tell you how, how many years I worked in each job. It's easier for
me to calculate. But what's funny, I was actually working on a Saturday when they called and
(27:51):
told me, well, actually my brother-in-law said, Hey, you got to come out to your moms
now. And to be honest, just from the conversation, he, I mean, his tone of voice, I knew something
was up and got out there and he had passed away. But in this almost, when I tell you
this, it almost seems selfish, but the biggest thing from mom, which is the closest one to
(28:12):
me passing away, I've had, I say that I've had a sister and two brothers passed away
and my mom, but with my mom passing away, what was so interesting, I remember going
out there. I remember, you know, we waited on the corner together. My sister, I think
ended up finding her in the bathroom. She was in the shower. No foul play. It was natural
(28:35):
causes is what they called it. So, you know, it wasn't anything like that.
The biggest thing in my head though, and it sounds so selfish was I've lost my backup
because all the way through life, I thought, well, you know what, if this doesn't work
out and I go bankrupt or this doesn't work out, I could always go home. You know,
mama always let me stay there for a little while until I recover. You know what I'm saying.
(28:58):
You've always got that backup. And I remember in my head when I was driving home that night,
I'm like, well, shit, I'm on my own now. I mean, you truly, you know, that was the one person
that I thought always had your back no matter what, you know, they always had your back and
that person now is gone. So, I don't think that sounds selfish at all. I think
(29:21):
the way you word it is exactly, you know, there goes my backup, but you're putting that in a really
bad light where the reality is as a parent, we always want to be the protector of our children.
We always want to be the one that they can fall back to. And that's exactly, we want to be the
(29:41):
foundation for them where they know, they know love, they know caring, they know, you know,
they know safety with us. And so when she passed away where you say, there goes my backup, what
you really meant was there goes my safety net, there goes my foundation, there goes my protection,
(30:02):
there goes my love. I mean, all of those things I think are parental love.
And think about it, you know, you can go through divorce, which I did, of course,
and you can lose people through divorce or just, you know, arguments with friends,
whatever that would look like. But when you look at a parent, it's like, in a kid's eyes,
(30:23):
it's almost like, well, no matter what I do, they'll end up loving me. And when that's gone,
that's when you really feel like you have, you're going to face the world for the rest of your life
on your own. Even if you've got a great wife, that's fine. You still, you don't have that backup,
that safety. So that's an interesting thought. How was that different than your brothers or
(30:45):
your, you said you had a sister who passed too? Yeah, I had a sister, well, yeah, I've got
one brother left and one sister and we were, I had five brothers and sisters.
Okay, so how was your, like, talk to me about that? Because I've not had a family member other than
I have my grandpa and my aunt, but those are not just, they don't live with me.
(31:10):
How was it? How did you experience grief with your siblings? Well, each one of them was a
little different. There was my sister I was probably closest to, but also my sister,
after my mom had passed away, she was kind of the glue of the family. She would make
everybody to get together for a playing card, you know what I mean, bring the family. And she
(31:31):
would kind of guilt you into, you're coming over here for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So
she was, when she passed away, oh, and, and it's terrible. I still have, and I can't get rid of them,
voicemails on my phone, because I would drive back and forth to work, which was an hour. And if I
didn't call her at least once every couple of weeks, she would leave me a voicemail and say,
(31:52):
Scott, on your way home, you need to call me. I haven't talked to you in a while. And we would
have that conversation for 45 minutes, whatever it would be all the way home. So I was probably
closer to her. But which I lived once again, an hour away from her, it, that changed the relationship
(32:12):
a little bit. But when she passed away, what ended up happening is even her kids and her
husband, my brother-in-law, you become more distant to them. I mean, I used to go play ball with the
kids. I used to, I mean, I helped, I helped teach them how to play baseball and field, you know,
the ball in the outfield and, and grounders and stuff. And it's so weird because now I may talk
(32:38):
with them just through Facebook is all. So yeah, changed it completely. So now we don't have the
big get-togethers, even the rest of the family that's left. We just don't do that any longer.
And we're a little more disconnected because of that. So that's what I think is the hard part of
grief is that, well, of death is that the little things start changing also. So where I have the
(33:07):
big response close to the day he died, there are the little things that you and I both have to mourn
also. So it's kind of never ending. You know, I'll see something and I'll be like, man, I wish I had
Rob to talk to you about that. Or, you know, the other day I drove by a house that we had
(33:32):
flipped together and I was like, oh my gosh. And then I'm like, crap, I can't call him
and tell him that, you know, it's those type of things that will always affect me for the
rest of my life. Or when one of the boys gets married, I'll be like, shoot, Rob would have
probably liked to have seen that. Or, you know, those kind of things. So that's where grief is.
(33:53):
And, you know, my, I think my advice to people would be number one, don't let anybody define your
grief. Don't do it. You get to choose how you grieve when you grieve. And I would also say,
(34:14):
get in a group. The group taught me so much. And here's why it taught me a lot. It taught me,
I saw people that I didn't want to be like. And I saw people I wanted to be like, and they made
it okay for me to move on. And that's where a group was really important for me.
But, but also I, I mean, you know, it's easier on my side, but, but knowing you,
(34:39):
knowing Jeff as well as I do now, what's cool is you never have to forget or act like you've
forgotten Rob. And, you know, that's the thing about a mom or a sibling on my side. I never have
to do that in any relationship. It's not expected. So I think being or, or finding somebody,
if you're going to have that next relationship that understands that and allows that because I,
(35:03):
I think it's healthy. I think you need that. I think you, especially if you have kids, you know,
it is their dad, they need to be able to celebrate his birthday if that's what they want to do
without feeling guilt from some. Yeah, that's very true. That is very, very true. And yeah,
I mean, once you've moved on, that is a completely different aspect. You know, again,
(35:26):
I think, yeah, it'd be great to have Jeff on here and talking about how he handles that because
if I were in the same shoes, I would probably be like, dude, come on. You know, let's,
let's move on. And like I said, he's just, he's not like that. He just sees things. Maybe that's
(35:47):
where his empathy comes in. Cause, you know, he was a firefighter. He saw some of the worst things.
And I think he kind of goes, okay, that's not really important. This is what's important.
So I think that's a big, big part of his heart is that he's so empathetic and yet really,
really strong too. So I kind of got the best of both worlds.
(36:09):
Yeah, I think it'd be interesting seeing what your friends, the view of them, you know, what
did they, were they concerned for you? What was their thoughts? How all that was, you know,
like right after? Yeah. And how it was affecting you and what they could do to help because I,
I know having that support, you know, that friend network or support network is, it's critical.
(36:35):
Well, I'll tell you what, when that became so important was during the dating. And that's
when you came in is we met right before I was supposed to that my counselor said,
you've got to start dating. You've got to learn how to deal with people. You've got to learn how
people function in life now. You've been with the same man for so long, you know,
(36:59):
and that's where you came in. So you can speak to that because that really, truly was the transition
for me was when I finally went, I got to get out in the world.
And I would, so I'd love to talk to one of your friends on that, on the podcast. And the reason,
and you know, my views a little different, Ani, I knew you from high school and I knew you after
(37:20):
Rob. I only knew you and Rob together through Facebook and stuff like that. So I didn't have
that connection with Rob. Right. So when I say it was easy, I don't mean it that way. But I think
I could, it was easy, it was easy for me to be really unbiased about everything because I didn't
know Rob and to hell. I'm just wondering, did, did your, would your friends have felt guilty
(37:48):
setting you up right away when I say right away six months later, a year later, whenever that was,
it'd be interesting just to understand their views and how they go.
Great question. I don't know. That is a good question. I will tell you what other is the kind
of a weird transition is that I felt like I was friends with a lot of people that he was friends
(38:10):
with. I felt like we had mutual friends and I think this happens in divorce too. But after he
died, it was like, we'll check on you for, you know, the first week or two after he dies. And then
after that, you just hear nothing. I mean, it is radio silence. And it's one of the strangest things.
(38:33):
It's very strange because I can post, you know, today is the anniversary of Rob and
they don't say a word and I just think, what, what's happening? And I think a lot of them do get
angry because I did move on. I did get remarried. I mean, granted, it was two years later,
but it still was two years later, two and something odd months. I don't know.
(38:58):
Yeah. I mean, humans are strange. Let's just, we are, I mean, everybody sees everything so
different. I mean, why do you think politics are the way it is? But, you know, everybody does see
it different. And, you know, shame on them if they think you should spend the rest of your life alone,
you know, basically worshiping Rob. And I don't mean it that way. But if you
(39:19):
did nothing but look at everything Rob did and admire it and, you know, in a sense, you are a
worship, you needed to have a life. So shame on them if that's really what they thought. But,
but I also wonder, and I'm telling you, people don't know what to say. People don't know sometimes
(39:39):
what they shouldn't shouldn't say, especially if you're looking at Facebook or social media,
because they don't want to get crucified from somebody else that may have a different opinion.
Correct. And that's fair. I mean, you again, my recommendation is you, you know, you grieve
the way you feel like grieving, get involved in a group. And you know what, if I had to look back
(40:06):
and I actually speak on this sometimes is how death affects a family. And please, please, please,
if you do nothing else, get a life insurance policy that covers one year, one year, that's it,
of expenses for your family. Turn right. Talk about that soon.
(40:29):
I think we can do a whole podcast on that because I've got a lot of ideas. So yeah, I,
so I've done several talks on that. And people are so amazed at, here's the deal, Rob and I own
two businesses together. I was involved in it. He was involved in it. I had a very, very easy
(40:50):
transition because I knew the ins and outs of almost anything. And I still ran into some hiccups.
I will actually tell you a quick, quick story just that happened two months ago. I, I'm big on having
things auto drafted from my account. And there was a Bank of America charge. And I was like,
(41:12):
what in the world? And I went back, well, it's been drafted. It was just, it was like 23 bucks.
It's not very much at all. Like, what in the heck? Because I knew I have a Bank of America card.
And I'm like, I have not used this card in ages. So I go on my online and this is how easy things
can slip through. Because I'm pretty meticulous about this. I, I didn't have any charges on mine.
(41:38):
So I'm like, what in the world? So I call Bank of America and they're like, oh, yeah, this is
being auto drafted from Rob Clofill's thing. And I was like, Oh, I'll send you his death certificate.
And there was only like $1,000 on it. It wasn't very much. But I was like, well, he passed away.
And she said, well, you're an authorized user. And I was like, I'm an authorized user. And I
(42:03):
didn't even know because I have my own card. So I don't understand what's happening here.
So I told her, I said, that makes no sense to me. Close it down. Well, I had a credit score of
$8509. And the next month, it had gone down to 716. And I went, what in the heck? So I disputed it
(42:31):
with one of the trans union, you know, one of the credit places who I just sent them the death
certificate. And they were like, Oh, yeah. So now my credit score is back up to the $8509. Well,
actually a little less, but it's right in the eight fifties. And I was like, how crazy is that
that somebody can put me as an authorized user? I didn't know it. I don't have one of his cards.
(42:54):
I overlooked that card. And when they closed down his account from dying, I got nailed for it.
And I was like, uh, those little things like that, when you were in the depths of grief,
I brutal. Yeah. I would have been livid if that had happened within that first year.
(43:17):
You know, so four years later, it's good it happened now. I mean, I'm mad that I paid that much,
but it is what it is. So, you know, but those are the things.
Let's plan on talking about finances after a transition like that. I know you've had death
and mine was a divorce after 23 years because there's some similarities, you know, of course,
(43:39):
a lot of differences, but there's a lot whenever something like this happens,
that a person could be ready for or, you know, and I'm not saying that if you're getting ready to
get divorced, go stash a bunch of money. It's not that, but I mean, you can. Yeah. I mean,
I think women need to be protected, especially so many women walk out of a marriage with nothing.
(44:00):
Well, and that could be, but I think that we could have that discussion. I think that's either a bad
lawyer or up to them, but no matter what, I mean, going to get a house note, you know,
getting your first credit card after even getting names off of a bank account, all of that,
(44:20):
it's so interesting, you know, it's not easy to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. That is another whole
another podcast. So yeah, but that is the transition here is, I mean, that is the thing here is that
grief, yeah, grief is, is your own. You get to own it and you get to experience it the way you want to.
(44:42):
But so Connie, I want to say thanks for sharing those stories because that was pretty interesting
over the weekend, how that affected you and how Jeff could help you through it and all that.
And I think it's a great story to hear and it shows some promise from if you did have a spouse
pass away that life can carry on after it just takes a little effort to get to that point.
(45:05):
It really does, but you can do it. I promise you can, you can come out of it like a Phoenix and
learn so much about yourself and be better than you ever thought you were. I know I did.
That is exactly what I did. So yeah, I can't wait to hear what next week brings with our conversation.
(45:26):
And we'll talk to you next week. All right. Thank you, Connie. Thank you. Talk to you soon.
All right. Bye.
Okay. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Our Life Beyond. We really hope that
you found our discussion insightful and inspiring or at least brought us milder your day. If you
(45:47):
did enjoy this episode, please consider subscribing to the podcast on your favorite platform and
leave us a review. For more information, resources or show notes, visit our website at
ourlifebeyond.com. You can also follow us on social media, search for us on Facebook at Our Life
Beyond. We would love to hear from you, our listeners. So feel free to reach out with your
(46:09):
questions, comments or suggestions through our contact us page at ourlifebeyond.com or on social
media. And once again, thank you for joining us on this journey. Till next time, remember
Life Beyond any challenge is possible and we're here to navigate it with you. Stay strong, stay
positive and keep moving forward.
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