November 5, 2024 • 58 mins
In this episode of Our Life Beyond, co-hosts Connie King and Scott Dibben dive deep into the ups and downs of dating in midlife—this time from a woman’s perspective. Connie opens up about her experiences navigating the world of online dating after loss, sharing the unique challenges, awkward encounters, and unexpected laughs that come with putting herself back out there.
Through personal stories, Connie and Scott discuss safety strategies, the importance of a well-crafted profile, and how to set boundaries on first dates to protect your time and peace of mind. They touch on the highs and lows of different dating apps, the art of making genuine connections, and why it's crucial to approach each date with kindness and honesty. Whether you're a seasoned dater or just curious about midlife dating, this episode provides insights, humor, and plenty of lessons learned along the way.
Join us as we explore the funny, sometimes messy, and always meaningful journey of dating.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Our Life Beyond the podcast where we explore how
(00:12):
to navigate and hopefully thrive through some of life's biggest transitions. I'm your
co-host Scott Dibben and I've teamed up with my great friend and mentor Connie King to
share some stories, strategies, and insights that helped us adapt to the ever-changing
seasons of our life. Whether your life transition is divorce, death of a loved one, switching
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careers, moving to a new city, or just trying to figure out what the hell is next, where
with you every step of the way. But always remember, we're not therapists, just fellow
travelers with a knack for finding humor in the chaos, and maybe some untraditional method
of overcoming what life dishes out to us. Hopefully you'll have fun embarking on this
(00:55):
journey. So now, let's get started.
This episode of Our Life Beyond is proudly sponsored by Habit Coffee Company. Located
right off Highway 60 in Rogersville, Habit Coffee is more than just your average coffee
shop. They serve up delicious, scratch-made breakfast, and lunch options daily. And they
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new habit today.
(01:38):
Well, hello, Cami.
Well, hello, Scott. How are you?
I'm doing well. How are you, Don?
I'm doing good.
Well, today's the day. This is your day, Connie.
Oh, this will be fun.
Yes, and I get to do the intro today, so I'm a little bit excited about that. That's usually
your territory. But let me jump into it. So I want to welcome everybody back to Our Life
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Beyond. If you remember in our last episode, I shared my journey through the dating world
with all of the weird mishaps and lessons that come with the dating apps, especially
doing this mid-life. Today, we're turning things around to my incredible co-host Connie
King as she shares her stories. Connie's going to dive into the unique experiences of mid-life
(02:24):
dating from a woman's perspective, including the highs, the challenges, and what to expect
in first dates. Navigating dating apps later in life brings on its own sets of twists,
and Connie's here to share her insights, lessons, and of course, a few stories from
her adventures. So if you're curious at all about what dating is really like mid-life,
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or if you just want to hear some great stories from the front lines of dating, grab a drink
and get ready because this episode's for you. Connie, I can't wait for you to share your
journey with us.
Well, I can't wait to share it either. And I think one thing that you and I have not
made very clear is that maybe our stories will tell the opposite sex, how to, like,
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get to look forward to or, like, consider when you are trying to talk to somebody else.
I will tell you, Jeff, my husband was listening to your story, your podcast. He was listening
to it while he was sick. He actually had the stomach flu, and he was in a miserable state.
And all I would hear is I would hear him giggle. And it brought me so much joy, first of all,
(03:36):
that he was laughing during his sickness. And I was like, what are you laughing at? And
he's like, Scott's podcast. It's hilarious. And so I think these are some of the more
fun things that we get to do is talk about the goofiness.
And I'm glad my misery brought somebody joy, at least. So I do want to back up and say,
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you know, the whole dating wasn't misery. It really wasn't. It was a fun experience in
life, or at least it was for me. I'm not sure I can say that for you, Connie, or not. But,
you know, I love meeting new people. I really do. So it was so interesting meeting people,
whether they were, you know, someone that I could ever, you know, even think about
keeping in touch with long term. But if hearing people's stories and people's life and where
(04:22):
they're at, I mean, it was just so interesting for me.
Yeah. It's, I agree with you. I thought dating was fun.
Yeah.
So, I mean, I don't think I, I didn't come out of it with a bad feeling. Actually, probably
opposite. Yeah. I was ready to quit dating. I really was. But, you know, it wasn't one
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of those things where it was a miserable experience. I had some challenges along the way. But,
you know, once again, these are challenges that we all kind of take on ourselves because
you're the one that's picking and you're the one that's choosing what you're doing
in that dating world. So.
Right. Absolutely. I agree.
All right. Are you ready to get started? Because we're going to do the question and
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answer like we did last week.
All right. Let's go. Let's get it going.
All right. We're going to use the same questions. Once again, last week was my view on all of
these. And this week, it's going to be Connie's view. So, let's start off. So, Connie, what
made you decide to try online dating?
I actually didn't. My therapist said to me, you need to get online and start dating. And
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I was like, hell no, it is not happening. And I want to be really transparent here. So,
after Rob had died several months, I mean, several, several months, a person from my
past had gotten ahold of me and we had reconnected and it was, it was a short time. But in that
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time, I discovered that there was some personality traits that were not becoming of people. I
had no idea what a narcissist was. I didn't know what gaslighting was. I didn't know any
of that. And it just, I'm so glad that I was going to therapy because I was able to talk
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to my therapist and discover that this person who had come back was not a, not what I would
consider a good person. So, I think what she recognized was that I needed to learn. And
one of the best ways to learn is to have contact with as many people as you possibly can. So,
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she had given me some tools, some books to read, some tools. And then she finally said,
now it's time for you to start dating. And I was terrified actually, but I did it.
And yes, I remember actually helping you build out a profile once Connie and on the very
first one. And I thought we were, I thought we were complete and I'm like, you like it?
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You're like, yes. And I hit the button to post it or publish whatever it was. And you
freaked out. You're like, what? That's out there. It was so funny. Yeah, that first,
I think that first profile that you build, that first thing, whenever you first get out
there, it is scary. It is so scary. I, yeah, I didn't, I was almost frozen. But then thank
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goodness I had you also, because that was one of the things that was so fun about it
is that I had, it wasn't just you, it was several other friends too, who were either
going through it or had gone through it. It's like, it's a team, you know, it's a team sport.
Even your son's got involved. It was so funny. I remember some of the conversations, but
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yeah, you're right. And you know, when you've been in a long-term relationship, because
I was for many, many years, and you also, when you get out of that, you know, you, you
don't know what you're looking for a lot of times. And I think trying to figure out what's
healthy is, is tough because you don't know. Exactly. And that is how I started dating
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is because she was like, okay. And when I said to her, I remember saying to her, how
am I going to do this? Like, what if I pick somebody else who's a narcissist? And she
was like, I'm going to be here. We're going to discuss this. This is how we're going to
proceed. So she kind of did a step-by-step walkthrough for me. And it was really perfect
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for me.
Yeah. And I do think, you know, I went to therapy, you went to therapy and still are.
I do think that's something, you know, many, many years ago, that was probably something
that was frowned on or people didn't talk a lot about. But I can tell you, it helps
because it's, there's so much craziness out there. Having that second opinion that has
no, you know, has no emotional tie to it, I think it is really, I think it's good.
(09:08):
Good to have. Right. I think so too. Yeah.
Okay. So did you have any concerns or reservations before you started down that path of online
dating?
Of course, you know, just like, you know, I said, I didn't want to have to, I didn't
feel confident in my ability to see bad people because I was raised a people pleaser. And
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after Rob died, that switched pretty quickly. But it was still, there were still pieces
parts there. So I had reservations because I had just tried to reconnect with somebody
that I went, Oh, wait, just one minute. That wasn't what I always thought it to be. And
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I thought, what if I find somebody or what if I'm talking to somebody who I really enjoy
and it's the same type of thing. So my reservations were that, of course, I think safety for women
is always a reservation. And really, those, those were the only two things. Hold on, there
is one more. And I remember I didn't want to hurt somebody.
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Oh, that makes sense.
Yeah. But one of my friends, and this is something for everybody, she is one of the nicest people
I know. And I was talking to her and she said, I said, what if, and she'd been in the dating
world a while. And I said, what if somebody like, you know, really likes me or whatever.
And I just am not feeling it. And she said, Connie, you have to tell them. And she said,
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there's absolutely no point. You're not doing them a service. You're, you know, you're doing
yourself a disservice. They need to go on and find somebody who will love them. Don't
just drag on. And I thought about that. And I was like, and she had told me some things
that she had done and how she handled it. And I was like, that's so beautiful. And I
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kind of stopped being afraid of that. So in my fears and in my reservations, I talked
to a lot of people and they really started bringing that down.
You know, it's funny you said that because I had several that I basically let down and
I'm not going to say they weren't ready to do the same thing, but I would have to say,
you know, I don't see it going anywhere. And I remember I had three or four or five or
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six little paragraphs or statements that I had wrote out perfectly, you know, because
you're like, I want to, like you said, you want to make it as easy on them. And you don't
want to make them feel bad because dating is tough. Dating is tough. There's so many
people out there and they're so you're going to have so many ego hits in a sense because
it's just going to happen in dating. But I remember trying to make the perfect statement
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and every time I would either call or text or whatever it what you couldn't fit into
that perfect statement. And but I can say what your friend told you, Connie, is exactly
right. If you just reached out with kindness and said, you know, had a great time, had
a great drink, you know, or coffee with you, I think you're such an interesting person.
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I just don't see, you know, our lives fitting together because at midlife, you can say these
things, I think. But you know, our life not, you know, fitting together or I just don't
feel the chemistry. I found that most people were was pretty good with that, okay with
it. As long as it was done with kindness.
Right. And I agree with that. Absolutely. Yes.
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Okay. So what platforms did you use? Because I don't remember all of them for sure. Or
I can only remember a couple. And why did you choose those, Connie?
So I really only used three. I did not use a dating service. I did this completely authentically.
I used match.com. Okay. I used Facebook Marketplace. And I used I used Bumble just for a little
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bit. I did not like that. I didn't like being in control. There was something about it.
I was just not comfortable with. So I was only on Bumble for like a week. So my two
biggest ones were match and the Facebook. Yeah.
Yeah. And by the way, you're going to hear Connie say all the time Facebook Marketplace
and it makes me a gaggle. It is not Facebook Marketplace. Of course, it's Facebook dating.
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Dating. Sorry.
I guess it's the same thing really.
Well, yeah, I guess so. I have always said that and it's so funny. It's in my brain.
Sorry. So yes, Facebook dating.
So between match and Facebook, which one do you think that you were more comfortable with
or which one provided better results for you?
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Quality wise match was definitely better. Facebook, a lot more hits. I mean, Facebook,
I believe was free. And so the first night I was on there, I want to say I had, I'm trying
to remember if it's likes that you get, I had like 124 likes and I was just like, oh,
that's a lot. It was so overwhelming. I did meet a few people. I don't know. I don't recall
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if I ever went out with anybody from Facebook. Dating. Maybe one, maybe my first date was
from there. I don't remember, but definitely the quality came from match.com.
So I'm so interested. I want to dig in a little bit to bumble because that was my primary
one. And I would think as a woman, that would appeal to you because you had to initiate,
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but you didn't like that.
So I didn't mind the initiating. What I found on there was that I would initiate a conversation
and they have 24 hours to talk to you. And I would always get a response. And then I
have, I believe I had 24 hours then to respond again or something like that. There's a time
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that stops, I believe, but I would get a response and then I might respond back. But for some
odd reason, I just, I didn't really match with anybody. I don't recall having any great
conversations. I don't recall if, if I forgot to respond to other people. I don't know,
because I think I'm a pretty good conversationalist. I think between you and I, we have great prompts.
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I mean, you helped me with that. I helped you with that. The prompts of what to ask,
have talked to people. And I would start something and I'd get a response, but it was so freaking
boring or something that I was just like, how the hell am I supposed to respond to that?
I can't have a conversation with this person. I'm wondering if Bumble is an odor crowd
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of people or yeah, I don't know what it is. I do know that from the matchmaking service,
Bumble was one of the big ones in our area. So was match because they wanted me on match
and they wanted me on Bumble. They did not suggest anything on Facebook. That's the only
reason I wasn't on that. I know that we talked about that and you did Facebook. And what
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I do remember about Facebook that I thought was interesting is you can select to not be
matched with anybody that you are friends with, which is probably a good thing.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then I don't recall if I did that, but yes.
So did you feel safe using the online dating apps? Was there any weirdness or concerns
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as you were going through the whole episodes of dating and trying to get to that first
date? So I was very meticulous in what I was willing to do and I had to come to terms with
this and I think me and some of my girlfriends were actually talking about this and that's
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how I came up with this plan. So when I was starting to talk to somebody, if I knew we
were getting to the date point, I would let them know that this is how I do a date. I
will meet you for one hour. That's it. Oh wow. Interesting.
And I told them beforehand, I was like, you know, this is how I handle things. It just
makes me feel safer. It makes me feel better, you know, and if you don't like that, okay.
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I was always going to put my own safety and my own anxiety in front of anything. So I
would say you get one hour. I would never go for dinner. I would always go for like
a drink or coffee. I always told multiple people and you know, here's the thing, most
of my girlfriends, like I'm in, you know, these group texts, I would tell them where
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I was going. I would be like, I'm getting ready to walk into this place. I would text
the group when I got out. There was always conversation going on with my friends and
I'm so surprised nobody ever showed up to one of my dates. But I would just tell the
guys you get one hour and then what I do is I, you know, well, into the date, I go home
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and I kind of process what has happened or what we have talked about and every single
person was very respectful of that. The only time I did not do that was with the man I
married. So you threw caution to the wind there. It was funny because he had just asked
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for a breakfast date. And so yeah, I was just like, all right, you know, I've been doing
this for months now, let's go to breakfast. And yeah, so that is there anything that made
you more comfortable with him that you can point out or was it just a connection? Well,
yeah, so just a quick little tidbit. He actually, he and I matched and he was standing in front
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of in front of a fire truck. And so I, one of my very best friends, her husband had been
a firefighter. And so I texted her the picture of this man of Jeff. And I was like, do you
know this guy? And she was like, Oh, my gosh, that is one of my husband's best friends from
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childhood. He's a, and this is what she said, great guy, terrible picker. So it was kind
of funny. He had an in in that way. So when he said, and he and I talked for probably
a good three, four days, very like a lot. And so by the time he asked me on the date,
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I was like, yeah, I'll go to breakfast with you and did not set that time limits. We ended
up going to breakfast, going to coffee. I mean, we spent the day together. And so, but
that was very unusual. And I don't recommend that.
No, but I can understand that if you've got, especially I know how close you are with your
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friends. And if somebody vouches for him, I could see that being a big in if you do,
what would have happened? Do you think Connie, if you would not have had one of your girlfriend's
vouch for him, you think it would have been a lot slower? Do you think it would have,
you would have over analyzed stuff or what do you think would happen?
So yeah, that's a great question. Because when he and I met, first of all, I probably
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would have handled it the same way because he and I had talked so much. I was like, okay,
I would go to breakfast with him. But what's funny is he is shy. When he first meets people,
he's very shy and really reserved. Well, I walked in to the restaurant and he was in
the waiting area and I walked up and I said, are you Jeff? And he looked away. And my first
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thought was, shit, he doesn't think I'm very cute or attractive or whatever. And I was like,
oh, well, just, you know, have a meal, have some fun. It's I mean, I love getting to know
people just like you do. And so I thought, you know, there you go. We'll just do that.
And as we sat there and talked, we just had a lot of fun. He opened up a little bit. He
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liked the fact that I was like, I just asked him about his past relationships. And he was
kind of, he's the type of guy that, you know, he's like, oh, I've had more than one relationship
or more than one marriage. And he was raised to think you only have one marriage. And so
he was thinking, oh, shit, here we go. This is the last time I'm going to see her. But
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I just asked him about them. And I was like, so what about this? So what about that? What
about this? How's that? And, you know, I don't think I made him uncomfortable about it. And
so I think had had I not had my friend vouch for him, it would have been much, much slower.
And had I have known how he reacted, I would have immediately been self conscious and been
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like, oh, he doesn't think I'm cute. But really, I think what was happening is he was very
shy about it, like, oh, here she is crap, you know, that kind of thing.
Yeah, I mean, the icebreaker is even on first date. The first 10 or 12 sentences can be
the most awkward. Yeah, really can't. So and I think we kind of answered it. But along
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with that, is there anything to add on what steps you would take to ensure safety when
you first meet that person from that? Do not let them pick you up at your house. I didn't
want anybody ever knowing where I was. I've seen this. It's either Instagram or TikTok
thing going around where this girl's like, you are going to pick me up, you're going
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to take me to dinner, there's no coffee dates, there's no drinks, there's no blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, well, girl, you just showed them where you live. You just,
you know, you're spending a lot of time with somebody. And if you don't like them, you're
screwed, you know, and then they have to take you home. No.
Yes. So I am a big proponent of have control over your situation and your circumstances
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when you first start. You drive to where you're going, you let people know when you are done,
you make sure, I always made sure they left first. Oh, really? Okay. That makes sense.
I was a big proponent of them leaving first. And I would pretend like I was on the phone,
which usually I was, I didn't have to pretend. Yeah. And there was only one other person
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who I actually knew that I went on a date with. And he was the only person who got to
pick me up at my house. That was it out of all the dates that I had.
So one question as a, that I never noticed happen, but it almost shocked me because you're
right. Nobody knows who you are on these. There was several circumstances where I would
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have a drink after work and it would be at one of the local places. And I remember going
in and we would both get drinks and, you know, sometimes I would get a beer or wine. She
would get a wine, whatever it was. But it didn't bother them to walk away from their
drink to go to the restroom. And I was always so shocked at that because every, you know,
(24:18):
everybody's worried about getting rough-eater. Right.
You know, is that something that they should worry about Connie? And what do you think
you would do as a first date if you had a glass of wine? Would you walk off to the restroom?
So I remember one date I had, yes, I would go have a drink with somebody, but I would
never get up from my drink ever. And I remember I actually had one guy I met. And when I
(24:43):
got, it was a very nice hotel bar, restaurants. And he had ordered a drink for me and I don't
drink wine. I don't like wine. And he had, he had been drinking, he had been there a
while because you could tell he was about three sheets to the wind when I got there.
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And there was wine on the table and I was like, Oh, I'm sorry, I don't drink wine. And
I ordered my own drink. There was no way. And I wasn't a person who would get up if
I needed to go to the bathroom or thought I needed to, I'd do it beforehand. And again,
I only had an hour though. They knew that hour was what I was going to do. And I would
(25:24):
tell them, interesting enough, that one, the one I'm telling you was the only date that
I made an excuse to get out of because it was a bad one. Most of the other ones, that
hour would come and I'd be like, Oh, okay, well, I'll go home and just kind of process
this.
Yeah. So you were, you were very big about analyzing stuff afterwards. It's like you,
(25:48):
you consume that data and then you went back to figure out whether it was good or bad.
You had, it was so interesting because I would even talk to you afterwards after a date.
Right after it, it happened. And it's like you had, it was so weird because at that point
in time, you, unless it went really bad, you'd say, Oh, it went bad, you know, this isn't
going to happen again. But a lot of times you would say, I don't know, I have to, you
(26:11):
know, I have to sit on this and think about it. And I'm like, well, that's, that's interesting.
Yeah. And I met a lot of interesting people and I would text them back. I don't recall.
I did have a couple times that I had more than one date, but most of the time I liked
the person. I just knew it wouldn't go anywhere.
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So I was like, you know, I had a great time. I just, I'm not feeling a match. A majority
of the time they would be like, yeah, I kind of feel the same way. Thanks for saying that.
And I was like, yeah, great. I didn't take it personally. I did not because we all have
different people and different types we're looking for. Like, you know, I could go out
with Rob Lowe. And if he just wasn't the right guy, I'm not going to pretend like he is.
(26:57):
I mean, I can still look at him. I don't have to live with him every day. I mean, imagine
the number of people on these apps, though, that you're looking at and you're trying to
analyze and go to a first date with comparing that to 20 years ago when you dated somebody
that you went to work with or, you know, it's, it's so weird and it's so hard, those first
(27:18):
dates, because you don't want it to go too long because you don't want to lead them on,
like you said in the beginning. So you really, I think you have to set up what you're looking
for and you have to figure that out very quickly because you could meet a very nice person
that you have fun with, but you don't see it going anywhere and you don't want to lead
that person on.
Absolutely. And that is exactly why you learn with kindness to, you know, cut it off.
(27:45):
Yeah. I, I, I so agree with that. I think I shared on one of my, or on my last episode
that as soon as I got home from, um, oddly enough, one that was in Arkansas, that I just
explained that, you know, I didn't fill any chemistry and it was just a few weeks later
or something. We ended up having a burger in town because she ended up being in town,
but she was just very happy that I was honest instead of leading it on. So I agree.
(28:11):
Well, and that's the other thing about dating is that you can imagine being friends with
a lot of these people.
Yes.
Like I remember my first, my very first date and I told him, you are my very first date.
He was a really, really nice guy. Like I could have hung out with him, but he wasn't the
guy for me.
(28:33):
But you know what my therapist said about that? Because I, when I was going to therapy,
I asked the same thing. I'm like, these people are nice. I could, I could see having many
drinks. You know what he told me, Connie?
What?
You're not collecting France. Remember that. Do not go out collecting France. You've got
all the friends you need. If you need an extra friend, go find one. This is not for collecting
(28:54):
France.
And that was probably the statement that kind of stayed with me. So I didn't try to become
friends with him afterwards because he was right. I could, you know, I didn't need more
friends.
That's absolutely right. I love that line too. And that's true. So yeah.
So let me ask you this. I had a preformed list of questions that I wanted answered before
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the date was over. And I'm not going to say that I always had all of them answered, but
they were in my head and there was about eight to 10 questions because that's how I was trying
to figure out what I wanted or would get out of this. Did you ever feel like you were interviewing?
So I think I'm really good at the questions that I want to ask. I'm able to do within
(29:35):
a conversation.
Okay.
So I don't feel like others thought I was interviewing them because that's the one thing
I heard all the time is you are a great person to talk to. Like you are so easy to talk to,
great conversation, great this, you know, and I found out a shit ton because of the questions
(29:59):
I asked. And, and I didn't do it with just a question. It wasn't like, you know, what's
your job?
How many kids you got? How many times have you been married? Why are you dating? It was
a conversation. And so I did find out a lot in those conversations. And that's again,
why that hour for me was so important because I could leave that and be like, okay, I can
(30:22):
remember what we said. I know, you know, what we talked about with that. That's probably
not going to be for me.
Yeah. Did you ever have this happen? And if so, how did you handle it? The ghosting?
I had it happen once and it was a person. So let me back up a little bit. I think in
(30:43):
me, there was something that really loved talking to people, but I think it was easier
for me to talk to people who were three, four hours away because then I could just talk.
There wasn't really a way we were going to date because I wasn't going to go meet anybody.
I mean, I wasn't going to take, they had to be real freaking special for that. And it
(31:06):
never happened. So I was very, very comfortable and it was a big learning curve for me to
talk to people, to talk to men hours away. And there were some really, really great people,
but there was one man that surprised me because he was a very successful man. And we had talked
(31:28):
for probably two weeks and all of a sudden, and we had actually FaceTimed with each other.
And then all of a sudden it just stopped. And I was like, oh, that's weird. Interesting.
And all I did was I texted him, I was like, are you okay? Because I thought, well, was
he in a car wreck? I mean, listen, my husband had died, you know, two years before. And
(31:53):
so it just didn't, I didn't put that past anything. So I was like, are you okay?
How you were concerned about their well being? Yeah.
Yeah, I was like, that's weird. And I don't think I actually knew what it was until I
was like, wait, I haven't heard from him after I said, are you okay? And there was no response.
(32:15):
And so then I, you know, just left it alone. I was like, okay, whatever. And then like
two weeks later, I saw him back on the dating sites. And I was like, oh, okay, well,
Oh, wow. Yeah, we know that I was not the one. But I thought it was really weird that
he didn't even just say, yeah, you know, we're far away. This isn't working, whatever it
(32:39):
was. It just surprised me because I don't feel like you get to the place he was by just
dumping, like just not being open and honest and truthful about it. So that surprised me.
Everybody else, you know, far away, that was the thing that was said was, you know, we
were never going to go on a date. You're great person, you're a great girl. And I thought,
(33:05):
you know, they were great guys. But yeah, we were just never going to go on a date and
it wasn't going to work. So there it was.
That makes that makes sense. And on the ghosting, in the apps, it, you know, it's you could
be talking with somebody and they're just gone, you do have that. But being ghosted
after a date and actual coffee or something like that, that's where it gets weird.
(33:28):
So I never was ghosted that way. The other thing I will say was, well, and a lot of
that was because on the date, again, I would take that hour. And I would be like, yeah,
I'm not really into this. Gotcha.
So they knew and I knew. But yeah, I think there's other, a lot of people would call
(33:49):
this ghosting. I didn't call it ghosting, but there were a couple people that I would
start conversations with. And they couldn't get to the point of asking me on a date. So
like three weeks into talking, and we're still just talking. And I was like, I'm kind of
bored. And, you know, I'm going to let it go. And what really happened was I would get
(34:11):
busy with other things too. And I wasn't on the dating apps as much or, and it just kind
of fell apart. I don't know that I would call it ghosting, maybe other people would, but
it's just, it didn't progress anywhere.
Yeah. And, you know, one of the things during that matchmaking service that they said is
you really are on a timeline when you start messaging. You need to figure out how to meet
(34:34):
if you're going to meet or to end it because you're not going to message a long term through
this. There's their message and other people, you just have to realize that you're, you're
trying to get some of their time. So yeah, it is so yeah, it is a weird world dating
with apps like that. So I do, I got this is a big one for me. So what road do you think
(34:56):
photos play and how you perceive a match?
I think they're huge. It's the only thing we have to go on on these apps.
Besides the little profile and some funny little things they can throw in. But yeah,
yeah, that's the first thing you see.
First thing you see, and let me do, I will tell you this. So Scott, this is your, probably
(35:16):
your point of expertise because you said to me, we got to get you a really good profile,
like what you talk about. And so I put an email out to my friends and I said, I'm getting
on the dating apps, tell me my best qualities, but do it funny. Like I have a sense of humor
(35:36):
and you wrote stuff and then we added some stuff from others of other people of my friends.
And I had one of the funniest profiles I thought and I wish I had saved it because I did not.
But do you remember any part of that? The profile, I think, because I think I had good
(35:58):
pictures, but you know, I'm not a movie star. I'm not a beauty queen. I'm just, you know,
the girl next door average. And I think the profile made people go, huh, interesting.
You know, let's see what she's made of. And so I think the profile was once you got past
(36:19):
that picture, I think the profile made people a lot more interested, to be honest.
And it really does. So from what I was told, you've got to have a very appealing first
picture, your master picture or whatever photo. And then from there, they a lot of times will
go to your profile and read it and then they'll go back and flip through because you could
(36:41):
have 12, 15, you know, photos or whatever. But it's that master picture or the match master
photo and the profile that you really have to work and make sure you have those right.
Yeah. And I didn't write my profile. My friends wrote my profile for me. I just kind of stuck
it all together.
Yeah. You know what's so, yeah. And I remember helping you with it. And I don't remember
(37:04):
where we ended because I know you had some of your girlfriends helping you and I'm like,
oh, let's change this and we would all work back and forth. But what was really cool about
that is it wasn't just you. You had people that you're like, would you even think this
is appealing or, you know, and I think that's very important because whatever you think
and you throw out there isn't necessarily going to appeal to people. You have to make
(37:28):
sure because we're bought in our self-hearty, you have to make sure others, you know, look
at it and go, yeah, I think I would change this or that.
Right. Right.
So, but going back to photos and I know this may fit in another question that we've got,
but for women, women get matched a lot more. You said when you got on Facebook dating that
(37:48):
you automatically like it, you had what, 100 or 200, I don't know if they're likes or connections
or whatever, it becomes almost window shopping for women. I mean, you can flip on that first,
I mean, think about it, the first photo you look at, you're like, nah, I don't like his
ears. You know, you have to be very careful and once again decide what you're, the reason
(38:10):
for your dating, but how much do the photos mean when you're a female and you really do
have 100 people to go through in a day to figure out whether you even want to talk to
them or not.
It's very important and here's the thing, different things hit different people, but
I will tell you, if you take a picture and you are darkened, it's kind of scary. It's
(38:35):
like, why is he in this like shadowed room? And I know it sounds picky, but light yourself
up. Don't stand somewhere where your house is a complete pigsty. I didn't like, you
know, you and I had talked about the fishing and the hunting photos. Those didn't bother
me. Those wouldn't have bothered me other than the fact that I am not, I'm not going
(38:58):
to go hunting. I'm not going to go fishing very often. If you want to find, but if you're
taking all your time doing that stuff, probably not for me. If you're, I think there's a few
things that really are damaging to a relationship and or can be beside your attitude and it's
sports, hunting, hunting, fishing and video games. People get so obsessed with that stuff
(39:25):
that they forget about their person. And so I would have to be very, I would give them
a chance, but I'd be like, let's see who they are. Let's see if that was just a picture
that they took on vacation and they caught a big old fish and they went, you know, sea
fishing or whatever. Just be clean, be clean, be presentable. You don't have to go over
(39:48):
the top.
Another one that I never liked is, and this probably sounds bad, but don't have your kids
in the photo because I think first of all, safety reasons, I think you want to keep them
out of it. But you know, you can talk about that on the first date or you can have that
in your profile that you've got three children. But I think the focus is supposed to be on
(40:14):
you and it should be just you also. I don't know how many that I would go through and
it would be them with two other people, two other women. And I sometimes would have to
flip back and forth to figure out which one was the one and you know what I mean, especially
if I got the same hair. I mean, just don't, I don't think that's good to do.
(40:35):
Yeah, I agree. I agree with you. Yeah, be yourself. I may have had one. It was my full standing
one. I think the only one I had, I had to edit out my kids. Okay. But you know, I have
adult kids, but it's the same thing. You know, I didn't want them there. They didn't need
to be on my.
Okay, another question. How old should the photo be? Any more than a year back, six
(41:02):
months back? What do you think?
If you don't have a recent picture, start taking pictures with your phone. That was
the one thing that got me on that first date. I met the guy and I was like talking to him
and he said, yeah. So he had posted a family picture and he said that person died 10 years
ago. And I was like, so that photo was 10 years old. I see. Okay. And it kind of pissed
(41:28):
me off where that person was important to him. What's important to me is to see who
you are, see what we're dealing with. And, and there were others that were more recent.
Oh goodness. But I just kind of, it just was kind of, to me, I don't know what it was about
that. So I, we all have iPhones or androids. You can take a decent picture of yourself
(41:50):
now. So make it recent and don't put freaking filters on it. I don't want to go to a date.
And that kind of wasn't the thing a few years back, or at least not on Mac or on the people
I was looking at. I think that's happened more recently or in the last few years, but
I don't want to go on a, on a date and go to meet somebody. And they looked like a,
(42:15):
you know, Baywatch lifeguard in their profile pic. And then they look like Jabba the Hutt
on the date. That's not cool. You know, just be yourself. You want somebody to fall in
love with you for who you are. So be yourself. I think that's the best advice that you can
give your eye. The filters are horrible. And I can tell you right now, when you, when you're
(42:40):
going through a lot of photos on a dating app, you can very easily figure out which one has
filters and which doesn't. It's very simple to do. I mean, you can tell the realistic
ones and not. So yeah, I agree. Do not do that. Yeah. So what qualities were you looking
for in a partner?
(43:02):
So I had had a list. I'm trying to remember now. The first thing for me was somebody who
was kind, somebody who was mature and didn't have, I think that the wording I had on my
manifesting piece of paper was no baby boy brains. I wanted, oh yeah, I wanted somebody
(43:24):
who was emotionally mature. I didn't want somebody who I couldn't. I mean, I can be
tough sometimes in this respect. I'm not overly emotional. I'm not overly logical,
but I like to take my time. So you know that I am that person who steps away for a minute.
(43:46):
And I try and be respectful. I don't try and make it too long. Like you and I have had
discussions and I've been like, Hey, I need to get off the phone with you right now. Let
me take some time. And you're like, Okay, great. And I don't think I take like 24 hours.
I mean, I don't recall taking that much time. Usually it's a couple hours, but I couldn't
(44:08):
have an emotionally immature person because they'd be texting me or calling me or like,
you know, what's wrong? What's this? What's that? And I couldn't have had that. I needed
to be able to have my own space in my own time. I wanted somebody who had success, who
matched my success. I wanted somebody to, which is kind of a funny one because a lot
(44:33):
of people were like, well, do you think Jeff did that? And I'm like, yes, absolutely because
he, he had that he actually had more success than I did, I believe. But he chose to put
his son first, which then brought in another aspect for me, which was, uh, that's pretty
(44:53):
ballsy. That is a huge thing for me. It was, it was something I didn't expect. So it was
a surprise in that respect that showed a little bit more dynamic than I had even ever thought
of. So those were the things, I mean, I don't have my list in front of me. I don't remember
what it was exactly.
I think the, yeah, I think the key is making sure that you have the qualities you're looking
(45:16):
for. Don't just go out.
And you have a clear picture.
Yeah. Don't just go out and date and, and, you know, because there's so many interesting
people out there that are not going to fit you in a year.
Well, and I think that's the other thing. Have a clear picture of why you're dating.
Are you dating for a long-term relationship? Or are you just dating to have fun? Because
for me, I knew I wanted a relationship. I was not a person. I mean, it was fun while
(45:40):
I was dating, but I was always looking for the person.
Gotcha.
You know, that's what I compared my notes to was, is this the person? Is this the person?
So, but if you're just out there having fun, go out and have fun. I mean, then you have
the safety issue. Make sure you're safe.
Absolutely. So talk, you know, we've talked about the photos and they're for a woman,
(46:05):
I think dating. I think there's a lot more volume as far as connections. So the next
question, how do you balance being open minded with staying true to your preferences? Because
there are so many photos that you're going to have to go through so many profiles. How
do you, how do you keep open minded to somebody, but also know what you're looking for and
need and make sure you're getting that?
(46:28):
Well, I think that's just it. You have, you have the picture and you have the profile
description.
That's all you have.
And if you're not getting a connection or if you're not getting an interest from one
of those two things, move on, just move on. You know,
I'm going to say both.
Yeah, you have to.
Both of them have to be interesting to you. If you get, if the photo is very interesting,
(46:51):
they could be cute as hell, but the profile is terrible. I'm done. And vice versa. If
they can't talk and they've got great, you know, it's, you need both.
Right. Absolutely. And if don't, I say this to my friends a lot, don't put a square peg
in a round hole. Don't try to make it fit. If you see a guy who's hot as can be like,
(47:15):
and I will tell you this story, there was one guy, probably one of the best looking
guys I had started a conversation with and he was a rude SOB. And he actually, I say,
I started a conversation with, he started it with me. And he was one of the rudest humans.
And he made it about two paragraphs in like his first one. And then I responded, checking
(47:41):
to see if he was like trying to be funny and just, you know, abrasive. And then he sent
the second one and I was like, you're done. You're done. I'm not doing that. So do just,
you know, don't try and make it work. Yeah. I agree. There's so many good people out there.
Don't over invest in one over the other. For absolutely. Yeah. For a reason that's surface,
(48:06):
in my opinion. Okay. I've only got two more questions, Connie, that I think we can get
through in time. So do you have any, can you share any funny or awkward experiences or
stories that you've had? Well, yeah, of course. One of the funniest ones to me was I had been
talking to a guy started talking to him. It was, I don't know, early, I say early in the morning,
(48:32):
it was like, you know, nine o'clock, he texted or whatever. And I say that when I say texted,
I only did things through the app. Yep. So he was talking to me through the app. We had this
hilarious rapport, like just funny. He was fun. And by the end of the day, he's like, I'm getting
off work. You know, would you like to meet me for a drink or whatever? And I'm like, heck yeah,
(48:54):
he's been hilarious. So we go and we have a drink and it's fine. And we leave. And during this
drink, he had been talking about his two kids. And you know, at our age, 99% of people have kids.
It did not surprise me at all. So we leave and he texts me and he's like, I had a really great
(49:18):
time. I think you should know something. I actually have three kids. And I was like, why would you
only tell me you had two kids? He goes, most people, most people don't want a divorced guy with
three kids or something like that. And I will, I will tell you, and this is how I am. I, and this
is where that list of exactly what you wanted. You know, I wanted somebody kind and honest and had
(49:46):
a really strong moral foundation. And immediately what he showed me was that he's a liar. And he
said, because what he said was I have three kids. And I said, well, it's not your three kids that
bothers me. It's your lying that bothers me. And he goes, well, now you know the truth. And I was
like, yeah, I'm done. Wow. And that was it. And I'm thinking, Jeff, when I tell him that story,
(50:09):
he's like, who forgets a kid? Can you tell me who forgets a kid? Who forgets a kid? And I go,
do you think he was doing that just because he didn't like me? And Jeff goes, no, absolutely not.
I think he probably had had somebody like ridicule him for having three kids. And that's what stuck
in his head. Or that was one of those things that was like, Oh, nobody's gonna like me for that.
(50:32):
And I was like, to me, it was weird. I was like, no, think of how awkward that could have really
been later on if you guys would have dated and you show up and you're counting three and he's
telling you to and you're like, we're in the hell that third come from. Well, here's the other
thing. Think about this. And this is something I really want to warn women against. Let's say he
(50:54):
had said, well, I have three kids. And I went, Oh, I understand why you would lie to me and do all
that. Think of where I just placed myself in his thought process or what I'm willing to take from
him. Yeah, I just said to him, it's okay to lie. I'm going to be kind about it. I'm going to baby
(51:14):
you. I'm going to and I know I was not going to be put in that position ever. So that list was so
imperative to me.
Also with that, if you look at it on the other end of that, he felt such a need to date that he was
willing to lie about how many kids, I mean, it shows almost a little bit of desperation in my
(51:38):
mind. Why the hell would you lie about that? That's the stupidest thing you can lie about.
Because sooner or later, somebody's going to find out.
Right. Yeah. It just.
Interesting. Okay. Yeah.
So what about it? And that may be the most memorable, but is there, is it that one? Or is there
another one out there that was the most memorable for you?
The one with Jeff is obviously the most memorable.
(52:00):
Oh, yeah, of course.
But let's, let's take that out of play. And I would say the one that was most memorable was the one
that I showed up and the guy was three sheets to the wind.
Was he just nervous? Do you think?
(52:20):
Probably. Probably. And he was the one that also had just gotten out of a relationship. I mean,
you know, the four months before or whatever. But I think for me, I had not had to make any
excuse before to get out of a date early. Yeah.
I had not had to do any of that. And he knew the hour rule. He knew that. And I had to get out of
(52:44):
there before an hour. I mean, I couldn't handle how awkward this conversation was. And what I mean
is it was almost like we were forcing ourselves to come up with something in common. Yeah. We were
on two polar opposite ends of anything we liked, which was so weird because as we were talking
(53:06):
on the app, that didn't seem to be the case. It seemed like we had a lot of things in common.
But when you get face to face, it can kind of change. So I did have to make an excuse and it
was actually pouring rain that day. And so I was able to, and for some reason, my girlfriends were
texting in a group text. So my phone was going that shit crazy. And it was the perfect excuse to,
(53:31):
you know, something has happened with my business. This is what's going on with my rentals. I've
got to get out of here. And I left and I was so relieved to walk out that door. Yep. I could
absolutely see that. That would be a terrible situation for a first day. So let's end on this.
(53:54):
Connie, I am a person middle age somewhere around that as a female getting ready to start dating.
Give me some advice going forward that I would do. Well, I think the best advice is don't be a
people please, or if you don't like somebody, please don't, don't lead them on. I remember just a
quick story. I remember this man was so excited to talk to me and something was weird. We had to
(54:21):
talk on the phone and we were talking and I could tell he was so excited about talking to me. He
was having this great time with the conversation. And at the end he says to me, so my next question
is when is our first date? And I was like, I am so sorry, but I am just not feeling a connection.
(54:42):
And he was like, are you kidding? And I was like, no, I'm not. I'm sorry. And he was so disappointed
like a phone went dead for a few minutes, like no silence. And it was really uncomfortable. And he's
like, I thought we did. And I was like, I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling it. And he was like, okay.
And I mean, I didn't want to explain myself. I didn't want to do any of that because I just
(55:06):
didn't feel a connection. After that phone call, I was so brokenhearted that I had hurt somebody.
But at the same time, I went, you know what? You are going out into the world now and you get to
and you get to try and find somebody who wants you as badly as you want to be with them. And so
that's a big one. Don't be a people pleaser. Take your safety seriously and know what you're looking
(55:32):
for. Yeah, I think all three of those are absolutely great. And I can't agree more. You know, if you're
going to be doing online dating, just be willing to let people go and have fun with it. Don't take
it too serious. Otherwise, I think you and me both know it can drive you crazy because there's so
(55:54):
many people on there. It really is sort of a game in the beginning until you need them.
Yeah. And also the one other thing that I would say is have a team on your side that you can call
and be like, what was this? Am I crazy? Or was this person crazy? And they go, oh, wow, that's weird.
Yeah. You know, so yeah, those are all the things I would say to do. Okay, Connie,
(56:19):
I really appreciate it. This was a great conversation. Honestly, it was almost like reliving some of
this because I remembered some of it and some of it. And I'm like, oh, I forgot about that. So it
was great for me. I know it'll be great for our audience. Thank you so much for being open and
giving out the advice that I think people want. Well, and I hope that any woman who is on that
(56:41):
dating plane listens to this and they learn something. And my biggest thing is I hope you learn
that you don't have to settle. Absolutely. That's the thing. So yeah. Give it time.
Everything will work out when it needs to and just have fun with it. Yes, I agree. Okay. Well,
(57:02):
thank you so much, Connie. Thank you, Scott. Have a great week. You too. Bye-bye.
Okay. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Our Life Beyond. We really hope that
you found our discussion insightful and inspiring or at least brought us a smile to your day. If
you did enjoy this episode, please consider subscribing to the podcast on your favorite
platform and leave us a review. For more information, resources or show notes, visit our
(57:27):
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media. And once again, thank you for joining us on this journey. Till next time, remember,
(57:52):
Life Beyond, any challenge is possible and we're here to navigate it with you. Stay strong,
stay positive and keep moving forward.
Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Our Life Beyond the podcast where we explore how
(00:12):
to navigate and hopefully thrive through some of life's biggest transitions. I'm your
co-host Scott Dibben and I've teamed up with my great friend and mentor Connie King to
share some stories, strategies, and insights that helped us adapt to the ever-changing
seasons of our life. Whether your life transition is divorce, death of a loved one, switching
(00:34):
careers, moving to a new city, or just trying to figure out what the hell is next, where
with you every step of the way. But always remember, we're not therapists, just fellow
travelers with a knack for finding humor in the chaos, and maybe some untraditional method
of overcoming what life dishes out to us. Hopefully you'll have fun embarking on this
(00:55):
journey. So now, let's get started.
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(01:17):
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(01:38):
Well, hello, Cami.
Well, hello, Scott. How are you?
I'm doing well. How are you, Don?
I'm doing good.
Well, today's the day. This is your day, Connie.
Oh, this will be fun.
Yes, and I get to do the intro today, so I'm a little bit excited about that. That's usually
your territory. But let me jump into it. So I want to welcome everybody back to Our Life
(02:02):
Beyond. If you remember in our last episode, I shared my journey through the dating world
with all of the weird mishaps and lessons that come with the dating apps, especially
doing this mid-life. Today, we're turning things around to my incredible co-host Connie
King as she shares her stories. Connie's going to dive into the unique experiences of mid-life
(02:24):
dating from a woman's perspective, including the highs, the challenges, and what to expect
in first dates. Navigating dating apps later in life brings on its own sets of twists,
and Connie's here to share her insights, lessons, and of course, a few stories from
her adventures. So if you're curious at all about what dating is really like mid-life,
(02:47):
or if you just want to hear some great stories from the front lines of dating, grab a drink
and get ready because this episode's for you. Connie, I can't wait for you to share your
journey with us.
Well, I can't wait to share it either. And I think one thing that you and I have not
made very clear is that maybe our stories will tell the opposite sex, how to, like,
(03:13):
get to look forward to or, like, consider when you are trying to talk to somebody else.
I will tell you, Jeff, my husband was listening to your story, your podcast. He was listening
to it while he was sick. He actually had the stomach flu, and he was in a miserable state.
And all I would hear is I would hear him giggle. And it brought me so much joy, first of all,
(03:36):
that he was laughing during his sickness. And I was like, what are you laughing at? And
he's like, Scott's podcast. It's hilarious. And so I think these are some of the more
fun things that we get to do is talk about the goofiness.
And I'm glad my misery brought somebody joy, at least. So I do want to back up and say,
(03:58):
you know, the whole dating wasn't misery. It really wasn't. It was a fun experience in
life, or at least it was for me. I'm not sure I can say that for you, Connie, or not. But,
you know, I love meeting new people. I really do. So it was so interesting meeting people,
whether they were, you know, someone that I could ever, you know, even think about
keeping in touch with long term. But if hearing people's stories and people's life and where
(04:22):
they're at, I mean, it was just so interesting for me.
Yeah. It's, I agree with you. I thought dating was fun.
Yeah.
So, I mean, I don't think I, I didn't come out of it with a bad feeling. Actually, probably
opposite. Yeah. I was ready to quit dating. I really was. But, you know, it wasn't one
(04:42):
of those things where it was a miserable experience. I had some challenges along the way. But,
you know, once again, these are challenges that we all kind of take on ourselves because
you're the one that's picking and you're the one that's choosing what you're doing
in that dating world. So.
Right. Absolutely. I agree.
All right. Are you ready to get started? Because we're going to do the question and
(05:03):
answer like we did last week.
All right. Let's go. Let's get it going.
All right. We're going to use the same questions. Once again, last week was my view on all of
these. And this week, it's going to be Connie's view. So, let's start off. So, Connie, what
made you decide to try online dating?
I actually didn't. My therapist said to me, you need to get online and start dating. And
(05:29):
I was like, hell no, it is not happening. And I want to be really transparent here. So,
after Rob had died several months, I mean, several, several months, a person from my
past had gotten ahold of me and we had reconnected and it was, it was a short time. But in that
(05:52):
time, I discovered that there was some personality traits that were not becoming of people. I
had no idea what a narcissist was. I didn't know what gaslighting was. I didn't know any
of that. And it just, I'm so glad that I was going to therapy because I was able to talk
(06:17):
to my therapist and discover that this person who had come back was not a, not what I would
consider a good person. So, I think what she recognized was that I needed to learn. And
one of the best ways to learn is to have contact with as many people as you possibly can. So,
(06:40):
she had given me some tools, some books to read, some tools. And then she finally said,
now it's time for you to start dating. And I was terrified actually, but I did it.
And yes, I remember actually helping you build out a profile once Connie and on the very
first one. And I thought we were, I thought we were complete and I'm like, you like it?
(07:04):
You're like, yes. And I hit the button to post it or publish whatever it was. And you
freaked out. You're like, what? That's out there. It was so funny. Yeah, that first,
I think that first profile that you build, that first thing, whenever you first get out
there, it is scary. It is so scary. I, yeah, I didn't, I was almost frozen. But then thank
(07:33):
goodness I had you also, because that was one of the things that was so fun about it
is that I had, it wasn't just you, it was several other friends too, who were either
going through it or had gone through it. It's like, it's a team, you know, it's a team sport.
Even your son's got involved. It was so funny. I remember some of the conversations, but
(07:57):
yeah, you're right. And you know, when you've been in a long-term relationship, because
I was for many, many years, and you also, when you get out of that, you know, you, you
don't know what you're looking for a lot of times. And I think trying to figure out what's
healthy is, is tough because you don't know. Exactly. And that is how I started dating
(08:20):
is because she was like, okay. And when I said to her, I remember saying to her, how
am I going to do this? Like, what if I pick somebody else who's a narcissist? And she
was like, I'm going to be here. We're going to discuss this. This is how we're going to
proceed. So she kind of did a step-by-step walkthrough for me. And it was really perfect
(08:43):
for me.
Yeah. And I do think, you know, I went to therapy, you went to therapy and still are.
I do think that's something, you know, many, many years ago, that was probably something
that was frowned on or people didn't talk a lot about. But I can tell you, it helps
because it's, there's so much craziness out there. Having that second opinion that has
no, you know, has no emotional tie to it, I think it is really, I think it's good.
(09:08):
Good to have. Right. I think so too. Yeah.
Okay. So did you have any concerns or reservations before you started down that path of online
dating?
Of course, you know, just like, you know, I said, I didn't want to have to, I didn't
feel confident in my ability to see bad people because I was raised a people pleaser. And
(09:34):
after Rob died, that switched pretty quickly. But it was still, there were still pieces
parts there. So I had reservations because I had just tried to reconnect with somebody
that I went, Oh, wait, just one minute. That wasn't what I always thought it to be. And
(09:56):
I thought, what if I find somebody or what if I'm talking to somebody who I really enjoy
and it's the same type of thing. So my reservations were that, of course, I think safety for women
is always a reservation. And really, those, those were the only two things. Hold on, there
is one more. And I remember I didn't want to hurt somebody.
(10:19):
Oh, that makes sense.
Yeah. But one of my friends, and this is something for everybody, she is one of the nicest people
I know. And I was talking to her and she said, I said, what if, and she'd been in the dating
world a while. And I said, what if somebody like, you know, really likes me or whatever.
And I just am not feeling it. And she said, Connie, you have to tell them. And she said,
(10:43):
there's absolutely no point. You're not doing them a service. You're, you know, you're doing
yourself a disservice. They need to go on and find somebody who will love them. Don't
just drag on. And I thought about that. And I was like, and she had told me some things
that she had done and how she handled it. And I was like, that's so beautiful. And I
(11:05):
kind of stopped being afraid of that. So in my fears and in my reservations, I talked
to a lot of people and they really started bringing that down.
You know, it's funny you said that because I had several that I basically let down and
I'm not going to say they weren't ready to do the same thing, but I would have to say,
you know, I don't see it going anywhere. And I remember I had three or four or five or
(11:28):
six little paragraphs or statements that I had wrote out perfectly, you know, because
you're like, I want to, like you said, you want to make it as easy on them. And you don't
want to make them feel bad because dating is tough. Dating is tough. There's so many
people out there and they're so you're going to have so many ego hits in a sense because
it's just going to happen in dating. But I remember trying to make the perfect statement
(11:50):
and every time I would either call or text or whatever it what you couldn't fit into
that perfect statement. And but I can say what your friend told you, Connie, is exactly
right. If you just reached out with kindness and said, you know, had a great time, had
a great drink, you know, or coffee with you, I think you're such an interesting person.
(12:10):
I just don't see, you know, our lives fitting together because at midlife, you can say these
things, I think. But you know, our life not, you know, fitting together or I just don't
feel the chemistry. I found that most people were was pretty good with that, okay with
it. As long as it was done with kindness.
Right. And I agree with that. Absolutely. Yes.
(12:32):
Okay. So what platforms did you use? Because I don't remember all of them for sure. Or
I can only remember a couple. And why did you choose those, Connie?
So I really only used three. I did not use a dating service. I did this completely authentically.
I used match.com. Okay. I used Facebook Marketplace. And I used I used Bumble just for a little
(12:59):
bit. I did not like that. I didn't like being in control. There was something about it.
I was just not comfortable with. So I was only on Bumble for like a week. So my two
biggest ones were match and the Facebook. Yeah.
Yeah. And by the way, you're going to hear Connie say all the time Facebook Marketplace
and it makes me a gaggle. It is not Facebook Marketplace. Of course, it's Facebook dating.
(13:23):
Dating. Sorry.
I guess it's the same thing really.
Well, yeah, I guess so. I have always said that and it's so funny. It's in my brain.
Sorry. So yes, Facebook dating.
So between match and Facebook, which one do you think that you were more comfortable with
or which one provided better results for you?
(13:45):
Quality wise match was definitely better. Facebook, a lot more hits. I mean, Facebook,
I believe was free. And so the first night I was on there, I want to say I had, I'm trying
to remember if it's likes that you get, I had like 124 likes and I was just like, oh,
that's a lot. It was so overwhelming. I did meet a few people. I don't know. I don't recall
(14:12):
if I ever went out with anybody from Facebook. Dating. Maybe one, maybe my first date was
from there. I don't remember, but definitely the quality came from match.com.
So I'm so interested. I want to dig in a little bit to bumble because that was my primary
one. And I would think as a woman, that would appeal to you because you had to initiate,
(14:38):
but you didn't like that.
So I didn't mind the initiating. What I found on there was that I would initiate a conversation
and they have 24 hours to talk to you. And I would always get a response. And then I
have, I believe I had 24 hours then to respond again or something like that. There's a time
(15:03):
that stops, I believe, but I would get a response and then I might respond back. But for some
odd reason, I just, I didn't really match with anybody. I don't recall having any great
conversations. I don't recall if, if I forgot to respond to other people. I don't know,
because I think I'm a pretty good conversationalist. I think between you and I, we have great prompts.
(15:31):
I mean, you helped me with that. I helped you with that. The prompts of what to ask,
have talked to people. And I would start something and I'd get a response, but it was so freaking
boring or something that I was just like, how the hell am I supposed to respond to that?
I can't have a conversation with this person. I'm wondering if Bumble is an odor crowd
(15:53):
of people or yeah, I don't know what it is. I do know that from the matchmaking service,
Bumble was one of the big ones in our area. So was match because they wanted me on match
and they wanted me on Bumble. They did not suggest anything on Facebook. That's the only
reason I wasn't on that. I know that we talked about that and you did Facebook. And what
(16:13):
I do remember about Facebook that I thought was interesting is you can select to not be
matched with anybody that you are friends with, which is probably a good thing.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then I don't recall if I did that, but yes.
So did you feel safe using the online dating apps? Was there any weirdness or concerns
(16:35):
as you were going through the whole episodes of dating and trying to get to that first
date? So I was very meticulous in what I was willing to do and I had to come to terms with
this and I think me and some of my girlfriends were actually talking about this and that's
(16:56):
how I came up with this plan. So when I was starting to talk to somebody, if I knew we
were getting to the date point, I would let them know that this is how I do a date. I
will meet you for one hour. That's it. Oh wow. Interesting.
And I told them beforehand, I was like, you know, this is how I handle things. It just
makes me feel safer. It makes me feel better, you know, and if you don't like that, okay.
(17:22):
I was always going to put my own safety and my own anxiety in front of anything. So I
would say you get one hour. I would never go for dinner. I would always go for like
a drink or coffee. I always told multiple people and you know, here's the thing, most
of my girlfriends, like I'm in, you know, these group texts, I would tell them where
(17:46):
I was going. I would be like, I'm getting ready to walk into this place. I would text
the group when I got out. There was always conversation going on with my friends and
I'm so surprised nobody ever showed up to one of my dates. But I would just tell the
guys you get one hour and then what I do is I, you know, well, into the date, I go home
(18:08):
and I kind of process what has happened or what we have talked about and every single
person was very respectful of that. The only time I did not do that was with the man I
married. So you threw caution to the wind there. It was funny because he had just asked
(18:29):
for a breakfast date. And so yeah, I was just like, all right, you know, I've been doing
this for months now, let's go to breakfast. And yeah, so that is there anything that made
you more comfortable with him that you can point out or was it just a connection? Well,
yeah, so just a quick little tidbit. He actually, he and I matched and he was standing in front
(18:57):
of in front of a fire truck. And so I, one of my very best friends, her husband had been
a firefighter. And so I texted her the picture of this man of Jeff. And I was like, do you
know this guy? And she was like, Oh, my gosh, that is one of my husband's best friends from
(19:17):
childhood. He's a, and this is what she said, great guy, terrible picker. So it was kind
of funny. He had an in in that way. So when he said, and he and I talked for probably
a good three, four days, very like a lot. And so by the time he asked me on the date,
(19:38):
I was like, yeah, I'll go to breakfast with you and did not set that time limits. We ended
up going to breakfast, going to coffee. I mean, we spent the day together. And so, but
that was very unusual. And I don't recommend that.
No, but I can understand that if you've got, especially I know how close you are with your
(20:00):
friends. And if somebody vouches for him, I could see that being a big in if you do,
what would have happened? Do you think Connie, if you would not have had one of your girlfriend's
vouch for him, you think it would have been a lot slower? Do you think it would have,
you would have over analyzed stuff or what do you think would happen?
So yeah, that's a great question. Because when he and I met, first of all, I probably
(20:28):
would have handled it the same way because he and I had talked so much. I was like, okay,
I would go to breakfast with him. But what's funny is he is shy. When he first meets people,
he's very shy and really reserved. Well, I walked in to the restaurant and he was in
the waiting area and I walked up and I said, are you Jeff? And he looked away. And my first
(20:54):
thought was, shit, he doesn't think I'm very cute or attractive or whatever. And I was like,
oh, well, just, you know, have a meal, have some fun. It's I mean, I love getting to know
people just like you do. And so I thought, you know, there you go. We'll just do that.
And as we sat there and talked, we just had a lot of fun. He opened up a little bit. He
(21:17):
liked the fact that I was like, I just asked him about his past relationships. And he was
kind of, he's the type of guy that, you know, he's like, oh, I've had more than one relationship
or more than one marriage. And he was raised to think you only have one marriage. And so
he was thinking, oh, shit, here we go. This is the last time I'm going to see her. But
(21:39):
I just asked him about them. And I was like, so what about this? So what about that? What
about this? How's that? And, you know, I don't think I made him uncomfortable about it. And
so I think had had I not had my friend vouch for him, it would have been much, much slower.
And had I have known how he reacted, I would have immediately been self conscious and been
(22:04):
like, oh, he doesn't think I'm cute. But really, I think what was happening is he was very
shy about it, like, oh, here she is crap, you know, that kind of thing.
Yeah, I mean, the icebreaker is even on first date. The first 10 or 12 sentences can be
the most awkward. Yeah, really can't. So and I think we kind of answered it. But along
(22:26):
with that, is there anything to add on what steps you would take to ensure safety when
you first meet that person from that? Do not let them pick you up at your house. I didn't
want anybody ever knowing where I was. I've seen this. It's either Instagram or TikTok
thing going around where this girl's like, you are going to pick me up, you're going
(22:47):
to take me to dinner, there's no coffee dates, there's no drinks, there's no blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, well, girl, you just showed them where you live. You just,
you know, you're spending a lot of time with somebody. And if you don't like them, you're
screwed, you know, and then they have to take you home. No.
Yes. So I am a big proponent of have control over your situation and your circumstances
(23:13):
when you first start. You drive to where you're going, you let people know when you are done,
you make sure, I always made sure they left first. Oh, really? Okay. That makes sense.
I was a big proponent of them leaving first. And I would pretend like I was on the phone,
which usually I was, I didn't have to pretend. Yeah. And there was only one other person
(23:35):
who I actually knew that I went on a date with. And he was the only person who got to
pick me up at my house. That was it out of all the dates that I had.
So one question as a, that I never noticed happen, but it almost shocked me because you're
right. Nobody knows who you are on these. There was several circumstances where I would
(23:57):
have a drink after work and it would be at one of the local places. And I remember going
in and we would both get drinks and, you know, sometimes I would get a beer or wine. She
would get a wine, whatever it was. But it didn't bother them to walk away from their
drink to go to the restroom. And I was always so shocked at that because every, you know,
(24:18):
everybody's worried about getting rough-eater. Right.
You know, is that something that they should worry about Connie? And what do you think
you would do as a first date if you had a glass of wine? Would you walk off to the restroom?
So I remember one date I had, yes, I would go have a drink with somebody, but I would
never get up from my drink ever. And I remember I actually had one guy I met. And when I
(24:43):
got, it was a very nice hotel bar, restaurants. And he had ordered a drink for me and I don't
drink wine. I don't like wine. And he had, he had been drinking, he had been there a
while because you could tell he was about three sheets to the wind when I got there.
(25:03):
And there was wine on the table and I was like, Oh, I'm sorry, I don't drink wine. And
I ordered my own drink. There was no way. And I wasn't a person who would get up if
I needed to go to the bathroom or thought I needed to, I'd do it beforehand. And again,
I only had an hour though. They knew that hour was what I was going to do. And I would
(25:24):
tell them, interesting enough, that one, the one I'm telling you was the only date that
I made an excuse to get out of because it was a bad one. Most of the other ones, that
hour would come and I'd be like, Oh, okay, well, I'll go home and just kind of process
this.
Yeah. So you were, you were very big about analyzing stuff afterwards. It's like you,
(25:48):
you consume that data and then you went back to figure out whether it was good or bad.
You had, it was so interesting because I would even talk to you afterwards after a date.
Right after it, it happened. And it's like you had, it was so weird because at that point
in time, you, unless it went really bad, you'd say, Oh, it went bad, you know, this isn't
going to happen again. But a lot of times you would say, I don't know, I have to, you
(26:11):
know, I have to sit on this and think about it. And I'm like, well, that's, that's interesting.
Yeah. And I met a lot of interesting people and I would text them back. I don't recall.
I did have a couple times that I had more than one date, but most of the time I liked
the person. I just knew it wouldn't go anywhere.
(26:31):
So I was like, you know, I had a great time. I just, I'm not feeling a match. A majority
of the time they would be like, yeah, I kind of feel the same way. Thanks for saying that.
And I was like, yeah, great. I didn't take it personally. I did not because we all have
different people and different types we're looking for. Like, you know, I could go out
with Rob Lowe. And if he just wasn't the right guy, I'm not going to pretend like he is.
(26:57):
I mean, I can still look at him. I don't have to live with him every day. I mean, imagine
the number of people on these apps, though, that you're looking at and you're trying to
analyze and go to a first date with comparing that to 20 years ago when you dated somebody
that you went to work with or, you know, it's, it's so weird and it's so hard, those first
(27:18):
dates, because you don't want it to go too long because you don't want to lead them on,
like you said in the beginning. So you really, I think you have to set up what you're looking
for and you have to figure that out very quickly because you could meet a very nice person
that you have fun with, but you don't see it going anywhere and you don't want to lead
that person on.
Absolutely. And that is exactly why you learn with kindness to, you know, cut it off.
(27:45):
Yeah. I, I, I so agree with that. I think I shared on one of my, or on my last episode
that as soon as I got home from, um, oddly enough, one that was in Arkansas, that I just
explained that, you know, I didn't fill any chemistry and it was just a few weeks later
or something. We ended up having a burger in town because she ended up being in town,
but she was just very happy that I was honest instead of leading it on. So I agree.
(28:11):
Well, and that's the other thing about dating is that you can imagine being friends with
a lot of these people.
Yes.
Like I remember my first, my very first date and I told him, you are my very first date.
He was a really, really nice guy. Like I could have hung out with him, but he wasn't the
guy for me.
(28:33):
But you know what my therapist said about that? Because I, when I was going to therapy,
I asked the same thing. I'm like, these people are nice. I could, I could see having many
drinks. You know what he told me, Connie?
What?
You're not collecting France. Remember that. Do not go out collecting France. You've got
all the friends you need. If you need an extra friend, go find one. This is not for collecting
(28:54):
France.
And that was probably the statement that kind of stayed with me. So I didn't try to become
friends with him afterwards because he was right. I could, you know, I didn't need more
friends.
That's absolutely right. I love that line too. And that's true. So yeah.
So let me ask you this. I had a preformed list of questions that I wanted answered before
(29:14):
the date was over. And I'm not going to say that I always had all of them answered, but
they were in my head and there was about eight to 10 questions because that's how I was trying
to figure out what I wanted or would get out of this. Did you ever feel like you were interviewing?
So I think I'm really good at the questions that I want to ask. I'm able to do within
(29:35):
a conversation.
Okay.
So I don't feel like others thought I was interviewing them because that's the one thing
I heard all the time is you are a great person to talk to. Like you are so easy to talk to,
great conversation, great this, you know, and I found out a shit ton because of the questions
(29:59):
I asked. And, and I didn't do it with just a question. It wasn't like, you know, what's
your job?
How many kids you got? How many times have you been married? Why are you dating? It was
a conversation. And so I did find out a lot in those conversations. And that's again,
why that hour for me was so important because I could leave that and be like, okay, I can
(30:22):
remember what we said. I know, you know, what we talked about with that. That's probably
not going to be for me.
Yeah. Did you ever have this happen? And if so, how did you handle it? The ghosting?
I had it happen once and it was a person. So let me back up a little bit. I think in
(30:43):
me, there was something that really loved talking to people, but I think it was easier
for me to talk to people who were three, four hours away because then I could just talk.
There wasn't really a way we were going to date because I wasn't going to go meet anybody.
I mean, I wasn't going to take, they had to be real freaking special for that. And it
(31:06):
never happened. So I was very, very comfortable and it was a big learning curve for me to
talk to people, to talk to men hours away. And there were some really, really great people,
but there was one man that surprised me because he was a very successful man. And we had talked
(31:28):
for probably two weeks and all of a sudden, and we had actually FaceTimed with each other.
And then all of a sudden it just stopped. And I was like, oh, that's weird. Interesting.
And all I did was I texted him, I was like, are you okay? Because I thought, well, was
he in a car wreck? I mean, listen, my husband had died, you know, two years before. And
(31:53):
so it just didn't, I didn't put that past anything. So I was like, are you okay?
How you were concerned about their well being? Yeah.
Yeah, I was like, that's weird. And I don't think I actually knew what it was until I
was like, wait, I haven't heard from him after I said, are you okay? And there was no response.
(32:15):
And so then I, you know, just left it alone. I was like, okay, whatever. And then like
two weeks later, I saw him back on the dating sites. And I was like, oh, okay, well,
Oh, wow. Yeah, we know that I was not the one. But I thought it was really weird that
he didn't even just say, yeah, you know, we're far away. This isn't working, whatever it
(32:39):
was. It just surprised me because I don't feel like you get to the place he was by just
dumping, like just not being open and honest and truthful about it. So that surprised me.
Everybody else, you know, far away, that was the thing that was said was, you know, we
were never going to go on a date. You're great person, you're a great girl. And I thought,
(33:05):
you know, they were great guys. But yeah, we were just never going to go on a date and
it wasn't going to work. So there it was.
That makes that makes sense. And on the ghosting, in the apps, it, you know, it's you could
be talking with somebody and they're just gone, you do have that. But being ghosted
after a date and actual coffee or something like that, that's where it gets weird.
(33:28):
So I never was ghosted that way. The other thing I will say was, well, and a lot of
that was because on the date, again, I would take that hour. And I would be like, yeah,
I'm not really into this. Gotcha.
So they knew and I knew. But yeah, I think there's other, a lot of people would call
(33:49):
this ghosting. I didn't call it ghosting, but there were a couple people that I would
start conversations with. And they couldn't get to the point of asking me on a date. So
like three weeks into talking, and we're still just talking. And I was like, I'm kind of
bored. And, you know, I'm going to let it go. And what really happened was I would get
(34:11):
busy with other things too. And I wasn't on the dating apps as much or, and it just kind
of fell apart. I don't know that I would call it ghosting, maybe other people would, but
it's just, it didn't progress anywhere.
Yeah. And, you know, one of the things during that matchmaking service that they said is
you really are on a timeline when you start messaging. You need to figure out how to meet
(34:34):
if you're going to meet or to end it because you're not going to message a long term through
this. There's their message and other people, you just have to realize that you're, you're
trying to get some of their time. So yeah, it is so yeah, it is a weird world dating
with apps like that. So I do, I got this is a big one for me. So what road do you think
(34:56):
photos play and how you perceive a match?
I think they're huge. It's the only thing we have to go on on these apps.
Besides the little profile and some funny little things they can throw in. But yeah,
yeah, that's the first thing you see.
First thing you see, and let me do, I will tell you this. So Scott, this is your, probably
(35:16):
your point of expertise because you said to me, we got to get you a really good profile,
like what you talk about. And so I put an email out to my friends and I said, I'm getting
on the dating apps, tell me my best qualities, but do it funny. Like I have a sense of humor
(35:36):
and you wrote stuff and then we added some stuff from others of other people of my friends.
And I had one of the funniest profiles I thought and I wish I had saved it because I did not.
But do you remember any part of that? The profile, I think, because I think I had good
(35:58):
pictures, but you know, I'm not a movie star. I'm not a beauty queen. I'm just, you know,
the girl next door average. And I think the profile made people go, huh, interesting.
You know, let's see what she's made of. And so I think the profile was once you got past
(36:19):
that picture, I think the profile made people a lot more interested, to be honest.
And it really does. So from what I was told, you've got to have a very appealing first
picture, your master picture or whatever photo. And then from there, they a lot of times will
go to your profile and read it and then they'll go back and flip through because you could
(36:41):
have 12, 15, you know, photos or whatever. But it's that master picture or the match master
photo and the profile that you really have to work and make sure you have those right.
Yeah. And I didn't write my profile. My friends wrote my profile for me. I just kind of stuck
it all together.
Yeah. You know what's so, yeah. And I remember helping you with it. And I don't remember
(37:04):
where we ended because I know you had some of your girlfriends helping you and I'm like,
oh, let's change this and we would all work back and forth. But what was really cool about
that is it wasn't just you. You had people that you're like, would you even think this
is appealing or, you know, and I think that's very important because whatever you think
and you throw out there isn't necessarily going to appeal to people. You have to make
(37:28):
sure because we're bought in our self-hearty, you have to make sure others, you know, look
at it and go, yeah, I think I would change this or that.
Right. Right.
So, but going back to photos and I know this may fit in another question that we've got,
but for women, women get matched a lot more. You said when you got on Facebook dating that
(37:48):
you automatically like it, you had what, 100 or 200, I don't know if they're likes or connections
or whatever, it becomes almost window shopping for women. I mean, you can flip on that first,
I mean, think about it, the first photo you look at, you're like, nah, I don't like his
ears. You know, you have to be very careful and once again decide what you're, the reason
(38:10):
for your dating, but how much do the photos mean when you're a female and you really do
have 100 people to go through in a day to figure out whether you even want to talk to
them or not.
It's very important and here's the thing, different things hit different people, but
I will tell you, if you take a picture and you are darkened, it's kind of scary. It's
(38:35):
like, why is he in this like shadowed room? And I know it sounds picky, but light yourself
up. Don't stand somewhere where your house is a complete pigsty. I didn't like, you
know, you and I had talked about the fishing and the hunting photos. Those didn't bother
me. Those wouldn't have bothered me other than the fact that I am not, I'm not going
(38:58):
to go hunting. I'm not going to go fishing very often. If you want to find, but if you're
taking all your time doing that stuff, probably not for me. If you're, I think there's a few
things that really are damaging to a relationship and or can be beside your attitude and it's
sports, hunting, hunting, fishing and video games. People get so obsessed with that stuff
(39:25):
that they forget about their person. And so I would have to be very, I would give them
a chance, but I'd be like, let's see who they are. Let's see if that was just a picture
that they took on vacation and they caught a big old fish and they went, you know, sea
fishing or whatever. Just be clean, be clean, be presentable. You don't have to go over
(39:48):
the top.
Another one that I never liked is, and this probably sounds bad, but don't have your kids
in the photo because I think first of all, safety reasons, I think you want to keep them
out of it. But you know, you can talk about that on the first date or you can have that
in your profile that you've got three children. But I think the focus is supposed to be on
(40:14):
you and it should be just you also. I don't know how many that I would go through and
it would be them with two other people, two other women. And I sometimes would have to
flip back and forth to figure out which one was the one and you know what I mean, especially
if I got the same hair. I mean, just don't, I don't think that's good to do.
(40:35):
Yeah, I agree. I agree with you. Yeah, be yourself. I may have had one. It was my full standing
one. I think the only one I had, I had to edit out my kids. Okay. But you know, I have
adult kids, but it's the same thing. You know, I didn't want them there. They didn't need
to be on my.
Okay, another question. How old should the photo be? Any more than a year back, six
(41:02):
months back? What do you think?
If you don't have a recent picture, start taking pictures with your phone. That was
the one thing that got me on that first date. I met the guy and I was like talking to him
and he said, yeah. So he had posted a family picture and he said that person died 10 years
ago. And I was like, so that photo was 10 years old. I see. Okay. And it kind of pissed
(41:28):
me off where that person was important to him. What's important to me is to see who
you are, see what we're dealing with. And, and there were others that were more recent.
Oh goodness. But I just kind of, it just was kind of, to me, I don't know what it was about
that. So I, we all have iPhones or androids. You can take a decent picture of yourself
(41:50):
now. So make it recent and don't put freaking filters on it. I don't want to go to a date.
And that kind of wasn't the thing a few years back, or at least not on Mac or on the people
I was looking at. I think that's happened more recently or in the last few years, but
I don't want to go on a, on a date and go to meet somebody. And they looked like a,
(42:15):
you know, Baywatch lifeguard in their profile pic. And then they look like Jabba the Hutt
on the date. That's not cool. You know, just be yourself. You want somebody to fall in
love with you for who you are. So be yourself. I think that's the best advice that you can
give your eye. The filters are horrible. And I can tell you right now, when you, when you're
(42:40):
going through a lot of photos on a dating app, you can very easily figure out which one has
filters and which doesn't. It's very simple to do. I mean, you can tell the realistic
ones and not. So yeah, I agree. Do not do that. Yeah. So what qualities were you looking
for in a partner?
(43:02):
So I had had a list. I'm trying to remember now. The first thing for me was somebody who
was kind, somebody who was mature and didn't have, I think that the wording I had on my
manifesting piece of paper was no baby boy brains. I wanted, oh yeah, I wanted somebody
(43:24):
who was emotionally mature. I didn't want somebody who I couldn't. I mean, I can be
tough sometimes in this respect. I'm not overly emotional. I'm not overly logical,
but I like to take my time. So you know that I am that person who steps away for a minute.
(43:46):
And I try and be respectful. I don't try and make it too long. Like you and I have had
discussions and I've been like, Hey, I need to get off the phone with you right now. Let
me take some time. And you're like, Okay, great. And I don't think I take like 24 hours.
I mean, I don't recall taking that much time. Usually it's a couple hours, but I couldn't
(44:08):
have an emotionally immature person because they'd be texting me or calling me or like,
you know, what's wrong? What's this? What's that? And I couldn't have had that. I needed
to be able to have my own space in my own time. I wanted somebody who had success, who
matched my success. I wanted somebody to, which is kind of a funny one because a lot
(44:33):
of people were like, well, do you think Jeff did that? And I'm like, yes, absolutely because
he, he had that he actually had more success than I did, I believe. But he chose to put
his son first, which then brought in another aspect for me, which was, uh, that's pretty
(44:53):
ballsy. That is a huge thing for me. It was, it was something I didn't expect. So it was
a surprise in that respect that showed a little bit more dynamic than I had even ever thought
of. So those were the things, I mean, I don't have my list in front of me. I don't remember
what it was exactly.
I think the, yeah, I think the key is making sure that you have the qualities you're looking
(45:16):
for. Don't just go out.
And you have a clear picture.
Yeah. Don't just go out and date and, and, you know, because there's so many interesting
people out there that are not going to fit you in a year.
Well, and I think that's the other thing. Have a clear picture of why you're dating.
Are you dating for a long-term relationship? Or are you just dating to have fun? Because
for me, I knew I wanted a relationship. I was not a person. I mean, it was fun while
(45:40):
I was dating, but I was always looking for the person.
Gotcha.
You know, that's what I compared my notes to was, is this the person? Is this the person?
So, but if you're just out there having fun, go out and have fun. I mean, then you have
the safety issue. Make sure you're safe.
Absolutely. So talk, you know, we've talked about the photos and they're for a woman,
(46:05):
I think dating. I think there's a lot more volume as far as connections. So the next
question, how do you balance being open minded with staying true to your preferences? Because
there are so many photos that you're going to have to go through so many profiles. How
do you, how do you keep open minded to somebody, but also know what you're looking for and
need and make sure you're getting that?
(46:28):
Well, I think that's just it. You have, you have the picture and you have the profile
description.
That's all you have.
And if you're not getting a connection or if you're not getting an interest from one
of those two things, move on, just move on. You know,
I'm going to say both.
Yeah, you have to.
Both of them have to be interesting to you. If you get, if the photo is very interesting,
(46:51):
they could be cute as hell, but the profile is terrible. I'm done. And vice versa. If
they can't talk and they've got great, you know, it's, you need both.
Right. Absolutely. And if don't, I say this to my friends a lot, don't put a square peg
in a round hole. Don't try to make it fit. If you see a guy who's hot as can be like,
(47:15):
and I will tell you this story, there was one guy, probably one of the best looking
guys I had started a conversation with and he was a rude SOB. And he actually, I say,
I started a conversation with, he started it with me. And he was one of the rudest humans.
And he made it about two paragraphs in like his first one. And then I responded, checking
(47:41):
to see if he was like trying to be funny and just, you know, abrasive. And then he sent
the second one and I was like, you're done. You're done. I'm not doing that. So do just,
you know, don't try and make it work. Yeah. I agree. There's so many good people out there.
Don't over invest in one over the other. For absolutely. Yeah. For a reason that's surface,
(48:06):
in my opinion. Okay. I've only got two more questions, Connie, that I think we can get
through in time. So do you have any, can you share any funny or awkward experiences or
stories that you've had? Well, yeah, of course. One of the funniest ones to me was I had been
talking to a guy started talking to him. It was, I don't know, early, I say early in the morning,
(48:32):
it was like, you know, nine o'clock, he texted or whatever. And I say that when I say texted,
I only did things through the app. Yep. So he was talking to me through the app. We had this
hilarious rapport, like just funny. He was fun. And by the end of the day, he's like, I'm getting
off work. You know, would you like to meet me for a drink or whatever? And I'm like, heck yeah,
(48:54):
he's been hilarious. So we go and we have a drink and it's fine. And we leave. And during this
drink, he had been talking about his two kids. And you know, at our age, 99% of people have kids.
It did not surprise me at all. So we leave and he texts me and he's like, I had a really great
(49:18):
time. I think you should know something. I actually have three kids. And I was like, why would you
only tell me you had two kids? He goes, most people, most people don't want a divorced guy with
three kids or something like that. And I will, I will tell you, and this is how I am. I, and this
is where that list of exactly what you wanted. You know, I wanted somebody kind and honest and had
(49:46):
a really strong moral foundation. And immediately what he showed me was that he's a liar. And he
said, because what he said was I have three kids. And I said, well, it's not your three kids that
bothers me. It's your lying that bothers me. And he goes, well, now you know the truth. And I was
like, yeah, I'm done. Wow. And that was it. And I'm thinking, Jeff, when I tell him that story,
(50:09):
he's like, who forgets a kid? Can you tell me who forgets a kid? Who forgets a kid? And I go,
do you think he was doing that just because he didn't like me? And Jeff goes, no, absolutely not.
I think he probably had had somebody like ridicule him for having three kids. And that's what stuck
in his head. Or that was one of those things that was like, Oh, nobody's gonna like me for that.
(50:32):
And I was like, to me, it was weird. I was like, no, think of how awkward that could have really
been later on if you guys would have dated and you show up and you're counting three and he's
telling you to and you're like, we're in the hell that third come from. Well, here's the other
thing. Think about this. And this is something I really want to warn women against. Let's say he
(50:54):
had said, well, I have three kids. And I went, Oh, I understand why you would lie to me and do all
that. Think of where I just placed myself in his thought process or what I'm willing to take from
him. Yeah, I just said to him, it's okay to lie. I'm going to be kind about it. I'm going to baby
(51:14):
you. I'm going to and I know I was not going to be put in that position ever. So that list was so
imperative to me.
Also with that, if you look at it on the other end of that, he felt such a need to date that he was
willing to lie about how many kids, I mean, it shows almost a little bit of desperation in my
(51:38):
mind. Why the hell would you lie about that? That's the stupidest thing you can lie about.
Because sooner or later, somebody's going to find out.
Right. Yeah. It just.
Interesting. Okay. Yeah.
So what about it? And that may be the most memorable, but is there, is it that one? Or is there
another one out there that was the most memorable for you?
The one with Jeff is obviously the most memorable.
(52:00):
Oh, yeah, of course.
But let's, let's take that out of play. And I would say the one that was most memorable was the one
that I showed up and the guy was three sheets to the wind.
Was he just nervous? Do you think?
(52:20):
Probably. Probably. And he was the one that also had just gotten out of a relationship. I mean,
you know, the four months before or whatever. But I think for me, I had not had to make any
excuse before to get out of a date early. Yeah.
I had not had to do any of that. And he knew the hour rule. He knew that. And I had to get out of
(52:44):
there before an hour. I mean, I couldn't handle how awkward this conversation was. And what I mean
is it was almost like we were forcing ourselves to come up with something in common. Yeah. We were
on two polar opposite ends of anything we liked, which was so weird because as we were talking
(53:06):
on the app, that didn't seem to be the case. It seemed like we had a lot of things in common.
But when you get face to face, it can kind of change. So I did have to make an excuse and it
was actually pouring rain that day. And so I was able to, and for some reason, my girlfriends were
texting in a group text. So my phone was going that shit crazy. And it was the perfect excuse to,
(53:31):
you know, something has happened with my business. This is what's going on with my rentals. I've
got to get out of here. And I left and I was so relieved to walk out that door. Yep. I could
absolutely see that. That would be a terrible situation for a first day. So let's end on this.
(53:54):
Connie, I am a person middle age somewhere around that as a female getting ready to start dating.
Give me some advice going forward that I would do. Well, I think the best advice is don't be a
people please, or if you don't like somebody, please don't, don't lead them on. I remember just a
quick story. I remember this man was so excited to talk to me and something was weird. We had to
(54:21):
talk on the phone and we were talking and I could tell he was so excited about talking to me. He
was having this great time with the conversation. And at the end he says to me, so my next question
is when is our first date? And I was like, I am so sorry, but I am just not feeling a connection.
(54:42):
And he was like, are you kidding? And I was like, no, I'm not. I'm sorry. And he was so disappointed
like a phone went dead for a few minutes, like no silence. And it was really uncomfortable. And he's
like, I thought we did. And I was like, I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling it. And he was like, okay.
And I mean, I didn't want to explain myself. I didn't want to do any of that because I just
(55:06):
didn't feel a connection. After that phone call, I was so brokenhearted that I had hurt somebody.
But at the same time, I went, you know what? You are going out into the world now and you get to
and you get to try and find somebody who wants you as badly as you want to be with them. And so
that's a big one. Don't be a people pleaser. Take your safety seriously and know what you're looking
(55:32):
for. Yeah, I think all three of those are absolutely great. And I can't agree more. You know, if you're
going to be doing online dating, just be willing to let people go and have fun with it. Don't take
it too serious. Otherwise, I think you and me both know it can drive you crazy because there's so
(55:54):
many people on there. It really is sort of a game in the beginning until you need them.
Yeah. And also the one other thing that I would say is have a team on your side that you can call
and be like, what was this? Am I crazy? Or was this person crazy? And they go, oh, wow, that's weird.
Yeah. You know, so yeah, those are all the things I would say to do. Okay, Connie,
(56:19):
I really appreciate it. This was a great conversation. Honestly, it was almost like reliving some of
this because I remembered some of it and some of it. And I'm like, oh, I forgot about that. So it
was great for me. I know it'll be great for our audience. Thank you so much for being open and
giving out the advice that I think people want. Well, and I hope that any woman who is on that
(56:41):
dating plane listens to this and they learn something. And my biggest thing is I hope you learn
that you don't have to settle. Absolutely. That's the thing. So yeah. Give it time.
Everything will work out when it needs to and just have fun with it. Yes, I agree. Okay. Well,
(57:02):
thank you so much, Connie. Thank you, Scott. Have a great week. You too. Bye-bye.
Okay. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Our Life Beyond. We really hope that
you found our discussion insightful and inspiring or at least brought us a smile to your day. If
you did enjoy this episode, please consider subscribing to the podcast on your favorite
platform and leave us a review. For more information, resources or show notes, visit our
(57:27):
website at ourlifebeyond.com. You can also follow us on social media, search for us on Facebook at
ourlifebeyond. We would love to hear from you or listeners. So feel free to reach out with your
questions, comments or suggestions through our Contact Us page at ourlifebeyond.com or on social
media. And once again, thank you for joining us on this journey. Till next time, remember,
(57:52):
Life Beyond, any challenge is possible and we're here to navigate it with you. Stay strong,
stay positive and keep moving forward.
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