December 3, 2024 • 51 mins
In this powerful episode of Our Life Beyond, Scott and Connie explore one of the most profound questions we face in life’s biggest challenges: Will you emerge as a victim or a victor? Drawing from personal experiences, heartfelt stories, and practical insights, they dive deep into the concepts of mental toughness and victim mentality.
Through candid discussions, Scott and Connie reflect on moments in their lives when resilience was tested, from career transitions to personal loss. They tackle how to recognize and overcome a victim mindset, why accountability is essential for growth, and the importance of surrounding yourself with the right people to foster strength and courage.
This episode is more than just a conversation—it’s an invitation to take control of your narrative, embrace your emotions without letting them define you, and cultivate the mindset needed to thrive in any transition. Whether you’re navigating divorce, career change, grief, or a tough decision, this episode will inspire you to step into your power and move forward with confidence.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Our Life Beyond the podcast where we explore how
(00:12):
to navigate and hopefully thrive through some of life's biggest transitions. I'm your
co-host Scott Dibben and I've teamed up with my great friend and mentor Connie King to
share some stories, strategies and insights that helped us adapt to the ever-changing
seasons of our life. Whether your life transition is divorce, death of a loved one, switching
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careers, moving to a new city or just trying to figure out what the hell is next, where
with you every step of the way. But always remember we're not therapists, just fellow
travelers with a knack for finding humor in the chaos and maybe some untraditional method
of overcoming what life dishes out to us. Hopefully you'll have fun embarking on this
(00:55):
journey. So now let's get started.
This episode of Our Life Beyond is proudly sponsored by Habit Coffee Company. Located
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(01:17):
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new habit today.
(01:38):
Hello, Scott.
Hello, Connie. How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
I'm doing well. Did you make it past all the Thanksgiving holiday?
I did, actually. And I know I wasn't quite as busy as you were. How did you fare through
all of your Thanksgiving?
Did really well. It's been crazy busy, but it's definitely different for me going to
(02:02):
a bunch of Thanksgiving. But it was fun this year. It was a really neat experience and
I enjoyed it. I was able to take my son with me. And yeah, it was just interesting. I can
really appreciate everything around me right now.
Very nice. Well, I think our topic probably is a good topic to talk about on the heels
of the holidays.
Oh, I agree.
So you want to tell us what we're talking about?
(02:22):
Yeah, let me introduce it. I think you have so much that you want to say about this and
I do too. But we want to start off by, you know, right now we're, we've went through
one complete season. We've almost finished a second season. All along the way, we've
talked about these life transitions, you know, whether it's death or divorce, you know, we've
even talked about addiction coming out. There has just been so much that we've talked about
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on these life transitions. And I really believe with those, you, you have to figure out how
you come out of, you know, do you come out of them, you know, in a victim mindset? Or
do you come out of it, you know, with some mental toughness? So I think that's basically
what we're going to be talking about today is basically that mental toughness versus
a victim mentality. Is that true?
(03:07):
Yeah. Are you a victor or a victim?
I like that.
Yeah. And how it plays out. And I think based on our guests, I mean, starting a business,
you know, Jo Ellen had said, we asked her what the toughest part was and she said it
was consistency, which as we talk, we'll talk about how that plays into mental toughness.
(03:29):
But before we get started in depth, I do want to read the difference between mental toughness
and victim mentality.
Yes, please do.
So mental toughness refers to a mindset where someone actively faces challenges, takes responsibility
for their actions and persists through difficulties. While a victim mentality is characterized by
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a tendency to blame others, feel powerless and see oneself as constantly being wronged,
even when faced with adversity.
So a lot of times it's the focus is control. Do you feel like you have control or do you
feel like others have control? And I think that's kind of where we start this discussion
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is, do you have a victim mentality or do you have a victor mentality?
I want to start off with, if we go way back to may have been episode one, I believe it
was, you know, Connie, I believe that the life transition that you went through that
you talked with us, which was your husband passing away, that could have so easily threw
(04:34):
you into a victim mentality. You had so much on your plate, he passed away. One day life's
perfect, the next day he's passed away. You have a business that you've got to run. You
know, you still have two kids that you've got to raise and you know that all of this
is going to come on you all at once. And I believe that you have to have the mental
toughness to get through that. Or your second option is, you become the victim and you basically,
(05:00):
anything that happens from that point forward, you blame people. Well, this wouldn't have
happened if he would have been around. This wouldn't have happened if you know what I
mean. I know you Connie and I've known you for a while. I don't think I've ever been
around you when you've ever played the victim in anything. And I don't know how you were
able to do that because that was an unbelievable circumstance to get over.
Well, and I hope that I hope I've never played the victim because I think from a young age,
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when you and I have talked about this, you know, behind the scenes being raised by single
parents, there's just something that you don't have the time to feel sorry for yourself.
You just take in stride that there are things you may not get in your life. So you deal
with disappointments. Those are things I think that prepared me for such a great challenge.
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And so the day that Rob died, it was four o'clock in the afternoon and you know, by
six, six, 30, they had taken his body from our home. And I remember my mom had said,
I'll stay with you tonight. I'll just stay here. And then I had some friends who had
said the same thing. And I was like, no, absolutely not. Still remember in my mind, I went, this
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is the first day for the rest of your life and you will be sleeping alone. You better
get used to it. And I had asked everybody to leave because I knew that was the case.
And it was just, it came so naturally for me to take control and pick up that situation
and just say, here's how it's going to go. And it wasn't that I was avoiding anything.
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I really wasn't. It was just that I knew I couldn't get used to having somebody else
there in those moments. So I think that's just kind of how it started. And then the
rest of course, one foot in front of the other. And I, you know, I grieved. I always say I
microdosed my grief. I grieved as I needed to, but I had to do what I had to do to survive.
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And I knew that if I didn't, Rob would haunt me. I mean, literally, I think that's kind
of a motivating factor because I'm a little bit like, huh, I wonder if he'll come back
and haunt me if I'm not successful in what I'm doing. It's just kind of a joke.
But let me ask you something on that because I love where you went with that. So I know
(07:17):
we talked about the definition of the two, but I want to make sure everybody understands
it doesn't mean you don't, you can't have a weak moment. It doesn't mean you don't have
emotions. So how do you address the misconception or how could we address it? Were that difference
between mental toughness and it's not really ignoring emotions or vulnerabilities.
Yeah. So as I was doing my research on this, mental toughness actually has four different,
(07:42):
I think they're called the four C's and one of them, I don't know how it falls in because
I don't have it in front of me, but it's basically being emotionally intelligent. So you really
have to deal with yourself. You have to deal with your vulnerability. You have to have empathy.
You have to really be able to look at yourself and have honest, true conversations with yourself,
(08:08):
how you treat others, how you deal with situations. And I think that's the thing about mental
toughness that I have the greatest respect for is because to be mentally tough, you have
to be Uber honest. Yeah. If you're not Uber honest, I don't think you can figure out the
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challenges or take responsibility for the things that have happened. You have to be very honest
with yourself and then you can take control of it. I don't want somebody else to be in
control of my life and so I've had to learn to be mentally tough. How about you? How do
you deal with that? Because both of us, I feel like both of us are really mentally tough,
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but from a male perspective, how do you deal with the emotions or the kindness or that
type of thing that comes with mental toughness? I think there's a very big misconception that
I think guys see mental toughness different. Guys think mental toughness is not shared.
I'm afraid they think this, that it's not sharing your emotions that if you go to a
(09:14):
funeral, you don't cry. Whatever it is, you have to be this male figure that has no emotion
to it and I think it's complete bullshit. Some of the people that I've worked with that
have been above me, some of even CEOs, these are people that will share good stories and
bad stories. They'll share their successes and their failures because I think that shows
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a sign of mental toughness that you don't get from a lot of people. I mean, think about
it. When you talk to somebody that's successful and they tell you how bad it's been and where
they've been and what they've went through to get there, I think you almost have a little
more respect for them. So I don't want people to think that mental toughness means there's
no emotions because I think asking for help is probably one of the best things you can
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do. We've talked for months now about therapy. We both went through therapy. That's asking
for help and I don't think going to therapy means you're mentally weak at all. I don't
think it means that you're a victim, but for me, victim mentality and misconceptions,
I just want to make sure that nobody thinks that it has anything to do with not being
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emotional or therefore whoever it is that you're in front of. But I can tell you that
whenever you're working somewhere, whenever you screw up on something and let me tell
you, I'm one of the many out there probably that screw up all the time, it's being able
to say, yeah, I did that. It's being able to be the bigger man and say, yeah, let me
figure out how to make this right or let me turn this around, give me a few hours, let
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me correct it. I mean, two weeks ago, Connie, I presented something and when I come back
around and ended up showing it to my boss's boss, he's like, oh, I wish we would not have
shown that. It wasn't anything wrong, it's just the way I'd portrayed it. And I'm like,
you're right. I could have used the victim mentality and said, well, I went through
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and showed this to four other people, which I did, but that's bullshit. This was mine
to present. You step up, you fix it and you say, let's figure out and everything works
out. So that mental toughness, it's exactly what you said. You don't look for a way to
blame somebody else if something's wrong or something didn't go perfectly right. If you
lose your job, it wasn't Jim's fault that you were working with, it's your fault. If,
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you know, whatever that looks like, if your business wasn't successful, it wasn't, you
know, it wasn't my fault. It's somebody else's fault. If this podcast wasn't successful,
Connie, I'm going to blame it on you. That's victim mentality.
That's okay. Yeah, great.
Well, and I think that's something that we really need to think about because I go,
what was it about you that you took responsibility for it? And what is it about a victim that
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would make them blame somebody? And I think there's a lot of accountability issues in
victims. You know, the accountability is not their own. It's always somebody else's or
another reason or something that's happened, you know, that they have no control of, which
there are a lot of things, none of us have control of, but we have control over the way
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we respond. And I think that's a huge difference too. But I think accountability is a huge
thing that as a mentally tough person, I take accountability for my mistakes. I also take
account, I mean, I take my successes. Absolutely.
Proudly also. But I also think that you have to be a confident person and like who you
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are. You have to, you know what I mean? You have to respect yourself. If you are unsure
in every situation that you walk into, it's going to be hard to not somehow have that
victim mentality. You know what I mean? You've got to have that confidence. You've got to
go in, you've got to do the best that you can do and be confident that you are doing
what you should be doing.
Absolutely.
(13:01):
I do think that we second guess ourselves way too much. You know, you always hear that
your first reaction to something's the best one, you know, and I think some of that's
true because I think you second guess yourself, you start really overanalyzing everything you
do and the next thing you know, you start feeling like that you aren't worthy to other
people and I think that can throw you into this victim mentality.
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So I think that's one of the things there are so many, I don't even know, I'm going
to slaughter this because what are we Gen X? Is that what we are? Are we Gen Z? I don't
think we're X. I think we're X.
So then we have, you know, whatever generation it is that gets so upset if we don't, pronouns
is a big thing for me because when somebody says, well, I'm a they and I'm like, well,
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I hope you have a mouse in your pocket, you know, kind of thing. That for me is a hard
one because I've actually experienced where people get uber angry when you miss call them
pronoun wise and they get very, very angry and I've actually seen Fitz thrown about it
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and I just think about it and I go, you have control over how you're going to react and
you can't control what other people do. You only have control over the way you react and
that is something that makes me immediately jump to victim mentality, which then brings
on a whole host of other things. When you're a victim, I don't trust you because I think
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you're going to blame me for something. Oh, interesting. Interesting. I hadn't thought
about it that way. Yeah, I think you're always going to play the poor me card maybe is the
best way for me to put it. You're just on a different playing field than I am. And so
when, when I hear somebody playing the victim, I immediately distance myself because I don't
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want to get wrapped up in being blamed for something that I have nothing to do with or
I don't want to give sympathy to them and I don't want to play into it. That's not my
MO. I think everybody, if you really think about it, everybody can think of people that
they've known or they maybe even they're around now that kind of play that victim card sometimes.
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A lot of times they aren't good at making decisions. They don't want to make a decision
that because they don't want to make a wrong decision. If they make a wrong decision, then
they have to figure out how to make it right. You know what I mean? Without them looking
bad. And I think that's what a lot of it comes down to is they're afraid of looking bad.
And I think you're right. I did read that victim mentality has some trauma to it. A
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lot of times it's, you know, early past trauma, that type of thing. They need sympathy and
attention to get some needs met that they hadn't gotten met before. Those are just a
few things that I think victims play into. Okay. Just my thoughts on that. You know,
like you've said, they don't want to make the wrong decision. So they do avoid risks.
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And as a person who's in business, I have to take calculated risks every day. And so
to have to make up the, like make the decision for somebody else to take a risk possibly,
which may not be a risk at all. That is hard for me.
I think everybody sometime in their life found theirself kind of fallen into that victim
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mentality. It could be in the smallest situation and I'll give you one for me. And I don't
know Connie, if you can think of one, but way back, and I say why back, it was quite
a while back. I knew I was in a position at a place that I wasn't going to be working
for for long. It really wasn't fitting me. I had even talked to the owners at time and
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either way we had figured out that we was going to have to figure out a transition because
I wasn't happy. I didn't like the direction we were going. And you know, I remember when
I felt that way and I remember the feeling I'm like, you know, that's when I started.
Well, if they would only change because they need to change because I say that, you know
what I mean? I was playing that victim. Everything needed to change for me because I had to be
(17:05):
right. And I wasn't right. I know in a lot of situations, you know, there was a lot of
people there. So for me to get out of that victim mentality, what I had to do is I put
a plan together on what was next for me. What am I going to do? How am I going to focus
on what's next? So I remember getting up, you know, of course I had my resume done.
I remember getting up and I had put a plan together instead of being a victim. I was
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going to go and post at least, or I say post send in at least 10 resumes a day. And you
know, I went to LinkedIn, I went to several different places and was pushing my resume
out. And then I started getting interviews either way. Instead, what I could have done,
I guess is what I'm saying. In the beginning, I did have that victim mentality. This is
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all over with. I know it's going to be over with because I'm not happy here. I know that
I have expressed how unhappy I know it's not going to work here, but I kept blaming it
on them instead of saying it's just not right for me and focusing forward. So I had to stop
myself and I had to say, okay, this is over, you know, I'm going to go forward now. And
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while I'm going forward, I'll make the best of what I'm doing there. So that for me was
the moment that or the, at least that short time that I did have that victim mentality,
because I didn't think it was my fault. And I thought it, you know, it was unfair that
this was going to happen to me when it wasn't my fault.
Well, and I think that's interesting that you say that because my victim time also came
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from a job and I was fired from a job and I was like, why in the world would they fire
me from this job? I brought in out of the top 10 companies we had, I had brought in
seven of them and I could not figure out what was happening. And a couple weeks later, the
secretary called me and said, can we go have coffee? And we did. And she told me what had
(18:52):
been happening behind the scenes. And basically my manager was taking accounts and putting
his name on them and signing them over or signing them like he had gotten them and was
taking care of them. Well, I got fired and I remember because I didn't know at the time
what had happened. I was just like, what in the world? I can't believe I, what am I doing
(19:14):
wrong? This is all their fault, blah, blah, blah. I called Rob from my car. We were dating
at the time and I called him and I said, I just got fired. And he goes, congratulations.
And I said, what are you talking about? I have an apartment to pay for. I had just bought
a car, new to me, not a new car, but new to me. And I was like, what are you talking about?
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And he was like, Connie, you are so much more valuable than what they are paying you in the
first place. Congratulations. Now you get to go find something where you were valued.
And I thought about that because we didn't know at the time what they had been doing.
And I just was like, oh, okay. Yeah, you're right. Now it's time for me to step up and
start looking for something new, something better, something bigger. And it really changed
(20:02):
my mindset when he said congratulations. Because in my mind, I was, you know, they had done
me wrong and I was going to go broke because of it. And yeah, it took somebody else to
kind of slap me upside the head and be like, hey, you're more valuable than this.
Yeah. And I think then you kind of put a plan together and you figure out what's next instead
of just sitting there and being frustrated and feeling bad for yourself. You put a plan
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together and you have actions. Yes, absolutely. You know, another one, I know this has to
happen a lot. And I, you know, of course, one of my episodes was on divorce. Think about
it. Somebody in the divorce is probably not going to be happy. There's a lot of divorces
that are completely mutual. We just need to split. And I know that happens, but a lot
of divorces, there's one person that is probably not wanting it. And if you're not careful
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in a divorce, I think it'd be so easy to get into that victim mentality, you know, well,
he, you know, he or she did this and I was perfect. And you know what I mean? Instead
of dwelling on the past and getting into that victim mentality and telling everybody all
about this because you want everybody to feel sorry for you and you want everybody, you
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know what I mean? To just get on your side. Instead of doing that, I think you make the
best of the situation in front of you. You figure out what the steps that you need to
do going forward. It's just like you had said, whenever Rob passed away, you know, your mom
offered to stay and you said, no, I have got to figure this out for the rest of my life
going forward. And I think that while it may sound that it's easy to say, but can you really
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put that action into play? I think you can. You know, us as humans, we're pretty resilient
people when we get out of our own way. That's the problem in our mind. Our mind plays these
tricks on us and tells us that we're weaker than what we are. But I can tell you, I've
been around so many people and they're stronger than what they think they are. But I will
also say, I think you would agree with this, hopefully Connie, I think it helps when you've
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got the right people around you that are friends, family to kind of help push you. But don't
be a crutch for them.
That's a big part of mental toughness. First, you have to be really mindful to be mentally
tough. Like I said, you have to be very honest with yourself. You have to be mindful. You
have to surround yourself with people who are like-minded because they're going to challenge
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you. And I always love being in a room full of people who are bigger, better, wealthier,
no more than I do. I love that. Like that's where I thrive because I get to learn so much.
I learn how people do things and I'm a great networker and those people do not intimidate
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me. They make me want to be better is not the right word because I want to be really,
really amazing. But they challenge me. That gets me to those places I want to be. It's
like they're the rungs on the ladder for me. And I think that's one of the things is, yeah,
they also are mentally tough. They've been through things that I haven't been through.
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And most of the people I have met in those rooms love helping people. They have no problem
divulging their secrets, which aren't secrets really. They have no problem giving you advice,
leading you in the right direction. And so when you're mentally tough, I think that's
one of the things that you can do easily is nobody's competition. We're all, there's
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plenty of abundance in the world and we can all get there.
You probably don't even remember this Connie, but I come to you kind of at a moment of weakness.
I guess I would say something had come up and I'm not going to get into the specifics,
but something had come up where I thought a transaction had happened many years back
and it was quite a bit of money. But I had agreed to something and I thought it was all
(23:52):
over with and I'm going forward and I'm analyzing all the reports as I would do every month
as far as financially where I'm at and come to find out something didn't happen many years
back and they were coming back for it. And I come to you and I was basically crying to
you. I'm like, it's not fair because it's been this many years and blah, blah, blah.
And you called shit on that Connie. You're like, did you agree to this? Yeah. But I
(24:13):
agree to that many years ago and it should have already happened. And you're like, I
don't give a shit. You have to let this happen because you agreed to it. And having you actually
step up and calling bullshit on me instead of feeding into my, yeah, you know, oh, that's
terrible. You shouldn't let that, you know what I mean? Don't feed into that for people.
And I think that if you're a friend of somebody, you need a Connie in your life that is not
(24:37):
afraid to call bullshit on you. And that's what I love about you Connie and all my friends
is they are not just on my side to be on my side. If it's right and they feel like it's
right, then you guys are on my side. But if you feel like I'm not right, you will tell
me. I don't think you're right.
Well, and I always think so. I understood the frustration with that because that, that
(24:58):
is frustrating. But I also understand the moral foundation. You had said you would do
it and you were not a person who doesn't, but I knew you were frustrated. So that's
why I had to stop and say, wait a minute, you agreed to this, but you are going to be
fine because I'm the first person to believe the world is abundant. You know, if we're
willing to put one foot in front of the other and just keep going and going and going and
(25:22):
get out of our comfort zone, I have like, that doesn't even make me question if somebody's
like, Oh, no, it's not your, that's all woo woo. I'm like, okay, I've experienced it.
But with you, I knew you'd be fine. You morally, you know, your moral foundation is strong.
And so I was like, yeah, it's frustrating, but you said it. Let's go or go ahead and
(25:43):
do it. Now you actually later though, and this did make me mad. You, you made it easy
for somebody to, because they had, they had dropped the ball. Yes. And then you were like,
okay, I'm just going to deal with it. I'm going to fix it for him. And that's the part
where I was like, no, you know, here's the deal, make them fix it. But I think you also
(26:07):
wanted it off your plate. Yeah. But see, that's, that's what I appreciate about you, Connie,
and all my friends. I get honest feedback. I don't get the feedback I necessarily want
all the time, but I do get that feedback. But no, I love that. And I'll be honest with
you. And you can ask anybody around. That makes me a better person. If you've got those
(26:27):
people in your life that can be truthful to you and tell you when you're being an idiot
or when you need to stop doing what you're doing, it makes you a better person. But also
you have to be the person that's willing to listen to that. You know, I didn't get pissed
at you, Connie, not for a second, because you're telling me something that you had absolutely
no ties to. And that's the reason I knew it was a completely unbiased opinion. You weren't
(26:52):
concerned about either side of this, but you're telling me what you thought was right. And
I, I've always said that I appreciate that. And I do. So it was really neat. And I will
always remember that because that was one of those times when I just wanted to bitch
about myself and say how unfair life was. And you're like, bullshit, it's not either.
You agreed to that.
Well, and I'll tell you, so the last few months have been pretty mentally tough for me.
(27:18):
Oh, I bet.
You know, being laid up for eight weeks and, and now another four to learn to walk again.
And I have noticed in that my mental strength is kind of waning. And I, I have some moments
where I do get that victim mentality where I'm like, Oh my gosh, this isn't, my life
(27:39):
has not been fair. And then I'm like, wait a minute, so many people have gone through
what I've gone through or worse, you need to deal, but it's mental. It is completely
mental because I am not taking time to meditate. I'm not taking time to be grateful. I'm not
taking time. And I have, that's what I have on my hands is time, but somewhere along the
(28:00):
way, my discipline has gone out the window. And I do get kind of whiny a little bit, but
that is where my, my friends come in and Jeff, you know, they're all like, are you, Jeff,
a lot of times it's like, I know you're bothered, but there are worse things in life. And I'm
like, you're right. You are right. He's like, you're going to get through this as you have
(28:22):
just a few more weeks. It's frustrating. Yes. But you're going to get through it. And I
just have to remember that and, you know, stand on that solid ground of, okay, quit
feeling sorry for yourself. And I think that's, yeah, where some of that victim mentality
can come in.
Ellen definitely helps me on some of that because I can get frustrated or worked up when somebody
gives me a time that something needs to be done. And that's when, you know, and when
(28:46):
we say playing the victim, it is just stepping back and making sure that your actions are
realistic for the situation you're in front of. It's so easy to just go off the handle
for things.
But I, I, there was something that we're in the middle of trying to get put together
and we had some dates from an individual to have something done. And when that dates passed,
I wanted to be far more pushy than she did, but she, she's so right in, you know, we're
(29:11):
not in a hurry, just relax, just calm down. If this doesn't work out, we'll do something
different. She keeps me from being worked up on stuff, which I can, you know, I can
get that way. And then the next thing, you know, I want to send out 12 emails. That's
just mean as hell. So, but, but that's me being, I mean, if you think about it, it is
me being a victim. I'm wanting to complain because you're not getting, you know what
I mean, this done, and I'm complaining to her and I'll complain to other people and
(29:33):
she's like, I'm out, who gives this shit? If you don't, you know, if you're not good
with it, go somewhere else. But you know, Connie, talking about this mental toughness,
we, like I said, we've had a lot of people on the show, some amazing guests. I didn't
think we would ever have what we've had, but thinking about addiction, for instance,
you know, it's easy for me when I was divorced, even when you, you know, when Rob passed away,
(29:56):
you could have those moments of weakness. You could have those, you know, victim mentality
moments or whatever you want to call them. And you could even be down and out for a day.
You didn't have to call anybody. You could just kind of stay home in your, you know,
and feel sorry for yourself. But if you think about like addiction, they have to work that
every day and they have to be so careful because they can't go back to what they were doing.
(30:18):
So having the right people around them. And I know a lot of the programs are around, you
know, you've got someone to call at any point in time. But the reason I bring that up, it's
even more critical for them to have that mental toughness to not go back to what they were
doing. But you know, that's the same program we're really talking about is if you get that
moment when you're pissed off, call one of your friends, call somebody you trust, it's
(30:39):
the same setup.
Right. And you know, the more we talk about this, I think about it and I think, well,
we all have a victim mentality.
Yes.
At some point, it's how we respond. Do we just let it stay there and we dwell in it?
Or do we move past it? And I think that's the thing. Not only can you move past it with
your friends, but there are steps that you can take to move past that mentality also.
(31:05):
Yes. And we talked about this before we got on this episode. But you know, you look at
all of the top CEOs, you look at very, or people that are very good at creating businesses,
you know, including yourself, Connie, you have to have that mental toughness because
you're going to be challenged every day. It's going to be so easy to fall victim. The economy
wasn't good. That's the reason it didn't work. Or, you know, I didn't have somebody had
(31:29):
quit me and now that somebody quit me, my business is just not as, there's always a
reason that you can find that you aren't performing as well as you should. I think that the people
that are really good, the top CEOs, the people that we look at that are business owners and
we go, wow, they're really good. They have that mental toughness. And once again, they're
not looking for reasons why something's the way it is. They're looking at how do we go
(31:52):
forward and make it better? And that's don't look back, look forward.
Right. Well, in one of the articles that I had printed out, it said mental toughness
is essentially building resilience through consistent practice of challenging yourself
mentally and emotionally through mindfulness and meditation, regulate your emotions, step
out of your comfort zone and try challenges and cultivate a positive mindset with self
(32:18):
affirmations. So I think those are things that really push people forward rather than
sitting in their victimhood. Yeah, I agree. And I think it's very important to somehow
become self aware of when you're doing that. Everybody's going to, and I explained mine,
you've explained yours. Everybody's going to get to that, but knowing when you do it
(32:42):
and being able to get out of it, being able to call somebody, being able to make sure
that you don't stay the victim, I think that's important. That's important in achieving anything.
What, you know, divorce, death, you know, life transitions of any type and kind. When
you come out of that and you hit that valley of despair, when you're at the bottom, it's
whether you look forward and you figure out how to put a plan together to get better or
(33:06):
whether you just want to stay down there and you know, pity yourself and you want others
to feel sorry for you. So how do you become aware? Like that's something that's interesting
when you say that, you know, how do you, what are your practices of being aware of what's
happening? For me, it's when I feel it's like when I don't know how to react to something.
(33:27):
And my reaction I know is only emotions. It's when I'm pissed off. It's when I'm ready to
scream at somebody. It's when I feel like I've been wronged. That's when I usually have
to call somebody and say, Hey, I need your advice. Let me talk about this. I think everybody's
situation is going to be different because my courses is going to be different than somebody
else's. If you're, you know, I think on addiction, it would be totally different. It's when,
(33:51):
when you, you know, feel that need that you, you're ready, you know, that you're going
to go back into that lifestyle or something you have to call somebody. But I think everybody's
just different. Mine is that helplessness. I mean, it really is. I feel like all I want
to do is react with emotions.
Right. And I'm very similar because you know, if I start feeling my emotions well up, I
(34:14):
mean, we've had this, these conversations where I say to you, stop, I will call you
back because my emotions are getting, they're welling up and I can feel myself feeling out
of control. And I think the way I got to that though was after Rob died, I really started
doing a lot of meditation. And then every morning I would either take a walk or I would
(34:37):
do a dance workout thing. And those were so helpful. It's funny because I remember what
used to be helpful was me vacuuming. And then we got rid of all of our carpet. I had hard
wood floors throughout my whole life. So vacuuming was not quite as satisfying, but it used to
be vacuuming. I would sit in my head and figure things out. And the same thing happened when
(35:01):
I would exercise or when I would meditate. And so that's, and of course I do call people
or I'll ask, but for the most part, what brought me to just the baseline of emotional maturity,
feeling myself, setting boundaries, being vulnerable, all of that. What brought me to
that was those two things really was meditation and exercise.
(35:26):
You know, there's this book, it's called Black Box Thinking that Ellen actually had me listen
to. But this book, Black Box Thinking, it was interesting. It's along the same lines of
this victim mentality, but they talk about basically the human mind, human beings in
general. And the thing that I remember in there so vividly is how we don't want to be
(35:47):
wrong. When we don't want to be wrong, whether it's in a divorce, whether it's in anything,
at work, we don't want to be wrong, that we will go the extra mile to prove that we're
right. And it's just something that's built into us. And it was interesting in this book,
Connie, they talked about detectives that think they have enough evidence to prove somebody
(36:09):
wrong or has is guilty in something that they believe so much in this that if they aren't
careful, it is easy for them to fabricate things because they know the right. And it's
interesting because in this book, it's been proven over and over through DNA testing,
you know, many years later that some of these people were not guilty, but they could go
(36:30):
back to the prosecutor or the law enforcement. And the law enforcement today, even with DNA
evidence proving them not guilty, they would still will believe that they are guilty and
it doesn't matter at that point when anybody says because they believe so much in that.
So I think it's DNA, you know, it's it's us, it's our human traits that we don't want
(36:52):
to be wrong.
Right. Ego is the enemy.
Yes. That was another book that was sent to me.
Yep. Love that. So yeah. So how do you feel being a mentally tough person? How is it
for you to be around victims or a victim mentality?
(37:14):
I don't avoid people that's like that. And I do know some that are like that. I don't
avoid them, but I've learned to avoid certain subjects with them because I will almost argue
with them. Also, those type of people, you have to be more elegant about how you approach
something if you don't believe in what they what they're saying or what they're giving
(37:34):
you at that time. You know, you have to you have to come to them with with a little bit
of proof and say, well, let's talk about the other side of the story. Not, you know, whenever
you're trying to prove a point, don't make it about them. Just make it about a broad
point if you can. If you're in front of somebody that especially if there's a situation that
they're playing a victim in and that they've been deep into this, you know, if you're not
(37:55):
careful, you if you don't believe you're a good enough friend of them or that they can't
listen to the truth or what you believe is the truth, then you almost have to avoid that
subject. Right. What about you? Do you can you think of people around you and how you
approach that? Yeah, I kind of shut down. I mean, I don't want to deal with it. And do
I do I exclude them from my life? No, I don't. But it's hard for me to have a really meaningful
(38:23):
relationship a lot of times with people who have the victim mentality. And I'm not talking
about one or two times, I'm talking about that's their life, you know. Yes. So I have
I think I shut down because again, I don't want to argue with them either, because I
don't feel like there's any changing their mind or changing who they are. I think that's
(38:44):
self work that has to come from them. And I'm not going to be the one I might suggest,
you know, a book or something like that that may have helped me at some point. But otherwise,
I just kind of backup and I just not be really, really involved with them. That's how I handle
it. Maybe not the best, but it's what's good for me. You know, that's one of my boundaries
(39:06):
is that I don't want to get myself entwined in a in a relationship with a victim.
But you know, a lot of this depends on the relationship you have. I can honestly name
probably 10 friends of mine that if something happened and they really got into that victim
mentality, I mean, divorce or whatever it would be, I could have that truthful conversation
(39:27):
with them. And I could, you know, because first of all, I think they know I care about
them and I, you know, you've got it's more than rapport, but you've got this connection
with them that you're not there to harm them. You're just trying to tell them what you see
from the other side. But outside of those 10 people, Connie, I, you know, other people
come to me and and would express, you know, divorce and and would want to go down the
(39:50):
victim mentality of let me tell you the 45 things they did right. And I did wrong and
how terrible of a person there are. The only thing I could say is, you know, it's over
with that's in the past. Let's go forward, quit reliving that past, you know, let's
go forward, put a plan together, let's put some actions to where you feel like you're
achieving something. And of course, you know, we've talked all along here, you know, everybody's
(40:10):
got different personalities. I like to see I'm achieving something or, you know, I put
behaviors in front of me because I think a behavior helps with an outcome. So, you know,
if I know I the outcome is I want to make this much money or I want to have this type
of job, what's the behaviors I got to put together to achieve that. And when I get all
(40:31):
those behaviors done, if I didn't achieve it, I put more behaviors there. So it's about,
for me, building out a plan, but not everybody wants to build that plan and go forward. They
really just want you to listen to how terrible they've got it. And I have a tough time with
that. Right. And that's a comfort, you know, people are in their comfort zone a lot of
times and it is hard to get out of unless you have somebody kind of pushing you in the
(40:54):
right direction. But there's still a lot of people who want to play the victim and they
don't, they're comfortable in that. Because again, like we had talked about earlier, where
the article I read, they get something out of it subconsciously, they are being rewarded
somehow. Yes. And I just don't have that in me to reward that type of behavior well.
(41:17):
Going back to what I had just said, I had a mentor, I guess you would say, basically
I went to management classes for years and years and years, but the person that would
taught us for all that time, what he always said, and really I've, I've took to heart,
even in my personal life, I cannot control the outcome. I can only control the behavior.
So I go back to that. If you want an outcome of something, what's the behaviors I need to
(41:39):
put into place to achieve that? So put in five behaviors and what you do, once again,
you can't control the outcome. After you've done those, if the outcome isn't what you
want, you have to control more of your behaviors. I think that happens in life. And you did
this, I know you did Connie, whenever Rob passed away, you, you basically built out,
you knew the behaviors you needed to have to get to the outcome you needed, which was
(42:02):
being okay. Right. Yeah. To function.
Yes. To function. But, and you know, I want to step back and say, everybody has the moment
of weakness. Don't think that if you have the moment of weakness that you can't call
and just bitch to somebody, let them listen to you. It's not that it's what, what does
the other side look at? You can't dwell in that. You can't keep that victim mentality
(42:23):
longterm because it serves you no purpose whatsoever.
None. Well, in our eyes, but again, I'm starting to understand it a little bit that some of,
some people, they get rewards from it. So they aren't held accountable. They, you know,
emotionally get some sort of self conscious, like benefit from it. It makes them feel better.
(42:47):
Yeah. And I, I don't have that. I don't understand it. So, you know, I guess that's just where
I'm going to have to say, you get to do you, I get to do me, but it's tough. It's tough
to be around people who are victims when either you can solve their problem for them or you
just have to, you know, let them dwell where they're at.
(43:09):
I think you're absolutely correct on that. Let me ask you this. I know that you, you've,
you've had a business almost your whole, well, your whole grown up life in a sense you and
Rob did. I don't think you've really had a ton of employees, but can you imagine
you yourself, when you look at individuals out there and you're pretty, it's pretty easy
to spot somebody that, that has that mental toughness and focuses on the good or focuses
(43:32):
on achieving whatever it is forward or the person that has a victim mentality. As you
can imagine, when you spot those people, it's hard to keep them in a position.
Absolutely. In our business, I don't know that I dealt with a, I say that.
You probably did with subcontractors.
I was going to say we had a lot of subcontractors, independent contractors, but our office staff,
(43:55):
we didn't have a lot of victim mentality, but I will tell you early on in my career,
I was the head of sales for a company. And just a few times I had, I would hire people,
they interviewed great, and then they would come into the job and they would play the
victim because what we were doing was hard. I mean, it was a sales position. And I would
(44:19):
try and coach them. And I was young, so I kind of didn't know what I was doing either.
I would try and coach them. And I think what would end up happening is I would just get
really kind of ugly and just be like, I'm blowing them off and then eventually fire
them. And I couldn't let the rest of my team, because the rest of my team, they were mentally
(44:40):
tough. They were superstars, by the way. And to have one person come in there and be whiny,
they had to go. And we had to get rid of them pretty quickly. Yeah.
For me, whenever I was managing people, you can usually spot that within a week or two
weeks of working with somebody. And it depends on the position they're in. But I know one
(45:00):
of the things that was my rule, or got to be my rule, is when you come to me with a problem,
bring a solution with it or don't come to me at all. And it wasn't that I wanted them
to completely solve the problem, but I wanted them to think about what is my options going
forward. I don't want you to just think about the bad. Don't come to me and tell me how
everything's horrible, how this isn't ever going to work. Come to me and say, I don't
(45:24):
think this is working. This is what I don't like. And this is what I think we should do
going forward. At least, spend it positive. Make me think that you're thinking more proactively
about how we can make it better and don't just dwell on the bad.
Absolutely. So that's what I did with mine.
I love that.
Let's end with this last question, Connie.
(45:44):
Okay.
All right. How do you think mental toughness contributes to your overall life satisfaction
and success?
Easy. I think it allows me to feel in control because what mental toughness allows me to
do, and this is a big, big, big one, is I have no issues setting boundaries.
(46:05):
Oh, yes, you don't. That's true.
I don't have any issues. And I had to learn that after Rob died. That was a huge lesson
for me where I might have had boundaries, but they could be kind of, you know, moved
a little bit because as a woman, we're supposed to be nice. We're supposed to please people,
that type of thing.
(46:25):
Well, after Rob died, I had way too many things coming at me. I had way too many people wanting
something from me, expecting something. I had to set boundaries. And that means sometimes
doing things that people don't want you to do. When you say no, they may not like it.
But what mental toughness allowed me to do was set boundaries and take control of my
(46:47):
life. It also then, because I was setting boundaries, I was able to build my confidence.
I was able to take time for myself and be very mindful. I was able to emotionally know
that in challenges, I could be kind about it. So that's one of my big sayings. And I
try until everybody I know that comes to me with any type of issue or solution or any
(47:13):
issue or problem, I always say, in your solution, be kind because people are human. So you may
have to say to them, you know, this isn't working out, but you don't have to say, oh,
you're a dumb ass, you're fired. You know, you can be kind to other humans. And I would
hope that that would be the case. But mental toughness has definitely allowed me to be
(47:36):
more in control. And when you're in control of your life, let me tell you, you're much
happier, much happier.
You're exactly right. Mental toughness to me makes you far more successful in your
life because you are confident. And I'll be honest with you, there's no way I would have
achieved where I'm at today. And could I've went farther? Absolutely could have. I'm
where I'm at. I'm happy. I want to be where I'm at. But it gives you the confidence to
(47:59):
keep going and keep trying to push to get more, you know, whether it's the position
or whatever it is, but also what mental toughness does. It gives you the confidence to know
when to say this isn't working for me, whether that's a relationship, whether that's job.
And I told you that I did have that in the job. And then I got scared afterwards. But
in any of those mental toughness allows you to not dwell on when something's bad and complained
(48:23):
to everybody. It's bad for 20 years. It's to make action or to create actions to stop
that. You've got to be happy in life. And you got to figure out what actions it takes
to make you happy. But the hardest thing in life is being able to say when something's
not making you happy and having to put an end to that, whatever that is, job wise relationship,
you know, we are on this planet far too short of a time to be unhappy for the rest of our
(48:47):
life. Absolutely. Absolutely. I agree with that wholeheartedly. I think you're absolutely
right. Connie, this has been awesome. This was a great conversation. I know you threw
this out and said, I really want to talk on this. And I thought, what the hell are we
going to do on this? And then the more I started thinking about it, I got excited because I
knew where you were going with this, which you've always got this plan and I appreciate
(49:09):
that. But I think this is great. I think, you know, this fits so well because we've
talked about all these life transitions and now we're talking about how do we come out
of that other side? Yeah, I love this subject. I think it's really important, especially
for women because a lot of women feel like mental toughness means you have to be rude
or mean. And in fact, you know, I'm starting to do some speaking and one of the topics
(49:33):
is compassionate resilience. And I think that includes this mental toughness for sure.
Yes. So, and being compassionate about it. But yeah, it's something I really love women
to know is that they can be kind and tough at the same time. Toughness is maybe the wrong
word, but kind and strong. As a guy, pretty attractive when you've got a gal that's that
(49:55):
confidence, got that mental toughness and doesn't have that victim mentality, which
is hilarious because you're your lady has, she's pretty bad ass. So she is. All right.
Well, Connie, I thought it was a great conversation. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you. Thank
you for indulging me. Absolutely. Have a great week. You too. We'll talk to you soon. All
(50:17):
right. Bye. Bye.
Okay. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Our Life Beyond. We really hope
that you found our discussion insightful and inspiring or at least brought us milder your
day. If you did enjoy this episode, please consider subscribing to the podcast on your
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(50:39):
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(51:01):
us on this journey. Till next time, remember life beyond any challenge is possible and
we're here to navigate it with you. Stay strong, stay positive and keep moving forward.
Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Our Life Beyond the podcast where we explore how
(00:12):
to navigate and hopefully thrive through some of life's biggest transitions. I'm your
co-host Scott Dibben and I've teamed up with my great friend and mentor Connie King to
share some stories, strategies and insights that helped us adapt to the ever-changing
seasons of our life. Whether your life transition is divorce, death of a loved one, switching
(00:34):
careers, moving to a new city or just trying to figure out what the hell is next, where
with you every step of the way. But always remember we're not therapists, just fellow
travelers with a knack for finding humor in the chaos and maybe some untraditional method
of overcoming what life dishes out to us. Hopefully you'll have fun embarking on this
(00:55):
journey. So now let's get started.
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(01:17):
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(01:38):
Hello, Scott.
Hello, Connie. How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
I'm doing well. Did you make it past all the Thanksgiving holiday?
I did, actually. And I know I wasn't quite as busy as you were. How did you fare through
all of your Thanksgiving?
Did really well. It's been crazy busy, but it's definitely different for me going to
(02:02):
a bunch of Thanksgiving. But it was fun this year. It was a really neat experience and
I enjoyed it. I was able to take my son with me. And yeah, it was just interesting. I can
really appreciate everything around me right now.
Very nice. Well, I think our topic probably is a good topic to talk about on the heels
of the holidays.
Oh, I agree.
So you want to tell us what we're talking about?
(02:22):
Yeah, let me introduce it. I think you have so much that you want to say about this and
I do too. But we want to start off by, you know, right now we're, we've went through
one complete season. We've almost finished a second season. All along the way, we've
talked about these life transitions, you know, whether it's death or divorce, you know, we've
even talked about addiction coming out. There has just been so much that we've talked about
(02:45):
on these life transitions. And I really believe with those, you, you have to figure out how
you come out of, you know, do you come out of them, you know, in a victim mindset? Or
do you come out of it, you know, with some mental toughness? So I think that's basically
what we're going to be talking about today is basically that mental toughness versus
a victim mentality. Is that true?
(03:07):
Yeah. Are you a victor or a victim?
I like that.
Yeah. And how it plays out. And I think based on our guests, I mean, starting a business,
you know, Jo Ellen had said, we asked her what the toughest part was and she said it
was consistency, which as we talk, we'll talk about how that plays into mental toughness.
(03:29):
But before we get started in depth, I do want to read the difference between mental toughness
and victim mentality.
Yes, please do.
So mental toughness refers to a mindset where someone actively faces challenges, takes responsibility
for their actions and persists through difficulties. While a victim mentality is characterized by
(03:53):
a tendency to blame others, feel powerless and see oneself as constantly being wronged,
even when faced with adversity.
So a lot of times it's the focus is control. Do you feel like you have control or do you
feel like others have control? And I think that's kind of where we start this discussion
(04:14):
is, do you have a victim mentality or do you have a victor mentality?
I want to start off with, if we go way back to may have been episode one, I believe it
was, you know, Connie, I believe that the life transition that you went through that
you talked with us, which was your husband passing away, that could have so easily threw
(04:34):
you into a victim mentality. You had so much on your plate, he passed away. One day life's
perfect, the next day he's passed away. You have a business that you've got to run. You
know, you still have two kids that you've got to raise and you know that all of this
is going to come on you all at once. And I believe that you have to have the mental
toughness to get through that. Or your second option is, you become the victim and you basically,
(05:00):
anything that happens from that point forward, you blame people. Well, this wouldn't have
happened if he would have been around. This wouldn't have happened if you know what I
mean. I know you Connie and I've known you for a while. I don't think I've ever been
around you when you've ever played the victim in anything. And I don't know how you were
able to do that because that was an unbelievable circumstance to get over.
Well, and I hope that I hope I've never played the victim because I think from a young age,
(05:27):
when you and I have talked about this, you know, behind the scenes being raised by single
parents, there's just something that you don't have the time to feel sorry for yourself.
You just take in stride that there are things you may not get in your life. So you deal
with disappointments. Those are things I think that prepared me for such a great challenge.
(05:51):
And so the day that Rob died, it was four o'clock in the afternoon and you know, by
six, six, 30, they had taken his body from our home. And I remember my mom had said,
I'll stay with you tonight. I'll just stay here. And then I had some friends who had
said the same thing. And I was like, no, absolutely not. Still remember in my mind, I went, this
(06:12):
is the first day for the rest of your life and you will be sleeping alone. You better
get used to it. And I had asked everybody to leave because I knew that was the case.
And it was just, it came so naturally for me to take control and pick up that situation
and just say, here's how it's going to go. And it wasn't that I was avoiding anything.
(06:34):
I really wasn't. It was just that I knew I couldn't get used to having somebody else
there in those moments. So I think that's just kind of how it started. And then the
rest of course, one foot in front of the other. And I, you know, I grieved. I always say I
microdosed my grief. I grieved as I needed to, but I had to do what I had to do to survive.
(06:57):
And I knew that if I didn't, Rob would haunt me. I mean, literally, I think that's kind
of a motivating factor because I'm a little bit like, huh, I wonder if he'll come back
and haunt me if I'm not successful in what I'm doing. It's just kind of a joke.
But let me ask you something on that because I love where you went with that. So I know
(07:17):
we talked about the definition of the two, but I want to make sure everybody understands
it doesn't mean you don't, you can't have a weak moment. It doesn't mean you don't have
emotions. So how do you address the misconception or how could we address it? Were that difference
between mental toughness and it's not really ignoring emotions or vulnerabilities.
Yeah. So as I was doing my research on this, mental toughness actually has four different,
(07:42):
I think they're called the four C's and one of them, I don't know how it falls in because
I don't have it in front of me, but it's basically being emotionally intelligent. So you really
have to deal with yourself. You have to deal with your vulnerability. You have to have empathy.
You have to really be able to look at yourself and have honest, true conversations with yourself,
(08:08):
how you treat others, how you deal with situations. And I think that's the thing about mental
toughness that I have the greatest respect for is because to be mentally tough, you have
to be Uber honest. Yeah. If you're not Uber honest, I don't think you can figure out the
(08:29):
challenges or take responsibility for the things that have happened. You have to be very honest
with yourself and then you can take control of it. I don't want somebody else to be in
control of my life and so I've had to learn to be mentally tough. How about you? How do
you deal with that? Because both of us, I feel like both of us are really mentally tough,
(08:53):
but from a male perspective, how do you deal with the emotions or the kindness or that
type of thing that comes with mental toughness? I think there's a very big misconception that
I think guys see mental toughness different. Guys think mental toughness is not shared.
I'm afraid they think this, that it's not sharing your emotions that if you go to a
(09:14):
funeral, you don't cry. Whatever it is, you have to be this male figure that has no emotion
to it and I think it's complete bullshit. Some of the people that I've worked with that
have been above me, some of even CEOs, these are people that will share good stories and
bad stories. They'll share their successes and their failures because I think that shows
(09:39):
a sign of mental toughness that you don't get from a lot of people. I mean, think about
it. When you talk to somebody that's successful and they tell you how bad it's been and where
they've been and what they've went through to get there, I think you almost have a little
more respect for them. So I don't want people to think that mental toughness means there's
no emotions because I think asking for help is probably one of the best things you can
(10:03):
do. We've talked for months now about therapy. We both went through therapy. That's asking
for help and I don't think going to therapy means you're mentally weak at all. I don't
think it means that you're a victim, but for me, victim mentality and misconceptions,
I just want to make sure that nobody thinks that it has anything to do with not being
(10:27):
emotional or therefore whoever it is that you're in front of. But I can tell you that
whenever you're working somewhere, whenever you screw up on something and let me tell
you, I'm one of the many out there probably that screw up all the time, it's being able
to say, yeah, I did that. It's being able to be the bigger man and say, yeah, let me
figure out how to make this right or let me turn this around, give me a few hours, let
(10:49):
me correct it. I mean, two weeks ago, Connie, I presented something and when I come back
around and ended up showing it to my boss's boss, he's like, oh, I wish we would not have
shown that. It wasn't anything wrong, it's just the way I'd portrayed it. And I'm like,
you're right. I could have used the victim mentality and said, well, I went through
(11:09):
and showed this to four other people, which I did, but that's bullshit. This was mine
to present. You step up, you fix it and you say, let's figure out and everything works
out. So that mental toughness, it's exactly what you said. You don't look for a way to
blame somebody else if something's wrong or something didn't go perfectly right. If you
lose your job, it wasn't Jim's fault that you were working with, it's your fault. If,
(11:34):
you know, whatever that looks like, if your business wasn't successful, it wasn't, you
know, it wasn't my fault. It's somebody else's fault. If this podcast wasn't successful,
Connie, I'm going to blame it on you. That's victim mentality.
That's okay. Yeah, great.
Well, and I think that's something that we really need to think about because I go,
what was it about you that you took responsibility for it? And what is it about a victim that
(11:56):
would make them blame somebody? And I think there's a lot of accountability issues in
victims. You know, the accountability is not their own. It's always somebody else's or
another reason or something that's happened, you know, that they have no control of, which
there are a lot of things, none of us have control of, but we have control over the way
(12:18):
we respond. And I think that's a huge difference too. But I think accountability is a huge
thing that as a mentally tough person, I take accountability for my mistakes. I also take
account, I mean, I take my successes. Absolutely.
Proudly also. But I also think that you have to be a confident person and like who you
(12:41):
are. You have to, you know what I mean? You have to respect yourself. If you are unsure
in every situation that you walk into, it's going to be hard to not somehow have that
victim mentality. You know what I mean? You've got to have that confidence. You've got to
go in, you've got to do the best that you can do and be confident that you are doing
what you should be doing.
Absolutely.
(13:01):
I do think that we second guess ourselves way too much. You know, you always hear that
your first reaction to something's the best one, you know, and I think some of that's
true because I think you second guess yourself, you start really overanalyzing everything you
do and the next thing you know, you start feeling like that you aren't worthy to other
people and I think that can throw you into this victim mentality.
(13:24):
So I think that's one of the things there are so many, I don't even know, I'm going
to slaughter this because what are we Gen X? Is that what we are? Are we Gen Z? I don't
think we're X. I think we're X.
So then we have, you know, whatever generation it is that gets so upset if we don't, pronouns
is a big thing for me because when somebody says, well, I'm a they and I'm like, well,
(13:48):
I hope you have a mouse in your pocket, you know, kind of thing. That for me is a hard
one because I've actually experienced where people get uber angry when you miss call them
pronoun wise and they get very, very angry and I've actually seen Fitz thrown about it
(14:09):
and I just think about it and I go, you have control over how you're going to react and
you can't control what other people do. You only have control over the way you react and
that is something that makes me immediately jump to victim mentality, which then brings
on a whole host of other things. When you're a victim, I don't trust you because I think
(14:31):
you're going to blame me for something. Oh, interesting. Interesting. I hadn't thought
about it that way. Yeah, I think you're always going to play the poor me card maybe is the
best way for me to put it. You're just on a different playing field than I am. And so
when, when I hear somebody playing the victim, I immediately distance myself because I don't
(14:53):
want to get wrapped up in being blamed for something that I have nothing to do with or
I don't want to give sympathy to them and I don't want to play into it. That's not my
MO. I think everybody, if you really think about it, everybody can think of people that
they've known or they maybe even they're around now that kind of play that victim card sometimes.
(15:16):
A lot of times they aren't good at making decisions. They don't want to make a decision
that because they don't want to make a wrong decision. If they make a wrong decision, then
they have to figure out how to make it right. You know what I mean? Without them looking
bad. And I think that's what a lot of it comes down to is they're afraid of looking bad.
And I think you're right. I did read that victim mentality has some trauma to it. A
(15:39):
lot of times it's, you know, early past trauma, that type of thing. They need sympathy and
attention to get some needs met that they hadn't gotten met before. Those are just a
few things that I think victims play into. Okay. Just my thoughts on that. You know,
like you've said, they don't want to make the wrong decision. So they do avoid risks.
(16:01):
And as a person who's in business, I have to take calculated risks every day. And so
to have to make up the, like make the decision for somebody else to take a risk possibly,
which may not be a risk at all. That is hard for me.
I think everybody sometime in their life found theirself kind of fallen into that victim
(16:21):
mentality. It could be in the smallest situation and I'll give you one for me. And I don't
know Connie, if you can think of one, but way back, and I say why back, it was quite
a while back. I knew I was in a position at a place that I wasn't going to be working
for for long. It really wasn't fitting me. I had even talked to the owners at time and
(16:42):
either way we had figured out that we was going to have to figure out a transition because
I wasn't happy. I didn't like the direction we were going. And you know, I remember when
I felt that way and I remember the feeling I'm like, you know, that's when I started.
Well, if they would only change because they need to change because I say that, you know
what I mean? I was playing that victim. Everything needed to change for me because I had to be
(17:05):
right. And I wasn't right. I know in a lot of situations, you know, there was a lot of
people there. So for me to get out of that victim mentality, what I had to do is I put
a plan together on what was next for me. What am I going to do? How am I going to focus
on what's next? So I remember getting up, you know, of course I had my resume done.
I remember getting up and I had put a plan together instead of being a victim. I was
(17:27):
going to go and post at least, or I say post send in at least 10 resumes a day. And you
know, I went to LinkedIn, I went to several different places and was pushing my resume
out. And then I started getting interviews either way. Instead, what I could have done,
I guess is what I'm saying. In the beginning, I did have that victim mentality. This is
(17:47):
all over with. I know it's going to be over with because I'm not happy here. I know that
I have expressed how unhappy I know it's not going to work here, but I kept blaming it
on them instead of saying it's just not right for me and focusing forward. So I had to stop
myself and I had to say, okay, this is over, you know, I'm going to go forward now. And
(18:08):
while I'm going forward, I'll make the best of what I'm doing there. So that for me was
the moment that or the, at least that short time that I did have that victim mentality,
because I didn't think it was my fault. And I thought it, you know, it was unfair that
this was going to happen to me when it wasn't my fault.
Well, and I think that's interesting that you say that because my victim time also came
(18:31):
from a job and I was fired from a job and I was like, why in the world would they fire
me from this job? I brought in out of the top 10 companies we had, I had brought in
seven of them and I could not figure out what was happening. And a couple weeks later, the
secretary called me and said, can we go have coffee? And we did. And she told me what had
(18:52):
been happening behind the scenes. And basically my manager was taking accounts and putting
his name on them and signing them over or signing them like he had gotten them and was
taking care of them. Well, I got fired and I remember because I didn't know at the time
what had happened. I was just like, what in the world? I can't believe I, what am I doing
(19:14):
wrong? This is all their fault, blah, blah, blah. I called Rob from my car. We were dating
at the time and I called him and I said, I just got fired. And he goes, congratulations.
And I said, what are you talking about? I have an apartment to pay for. I had just bought
a car, new to me, not a new car, but new to me. And I was like, what are you talking about?
(19:37):
And he was like, Connie, you are so much more valuable than what they are paying you in the
first place. Congratulations. Now you get to go find something where you were valued.
And I thought about that because we didn't know at the time what they had been doing.
And I just was like, oh, okay. Yeah, you're right. Now it's time for me to step up and
start looking for something new, something better, something bigger. And it really changed
(20:02):
my mindset when he said congratulations. Because in my mind, I was, you know, they had done
me wrong and I was going to go broke because of it. And yeah, it took somebody else to
kind of slap me upside the head and be like, hey, you're more valuable than this.
Yeah. And I think then you kind of put a plan together and you figure out what's next instead
of just sitting there and being frustrated and feeling bad for yourself. You put a plan
(20:28):
together and you have actions. Yes, absolutely. You know, another one, I know this has to
happen a lot. And I, you know, of course, one of my episodes was on divorce. Think about
it. Somebody in the divorce is probably not going to be happy. There's a lot of divorces
that are completely mutual. We just need to split. And I know that happens, but a lot
of divorces, there's one person that is probably not wanting it. And if you're not careful
(20:53):
in a divorce, I think it'd be so easy to get into that victim mentality, you know, well,
he, you know, he or she did this and I was perfect. And you know what I mean? Instead
of dwelling on the past and getting into that victim mentality and telling everybody all
about this because you want everybody to feel sorry for you and you want everybody, you
(21:13):
know what I mean? To just get on your side. Instead of doing that, I think you make the
best of the situation in front of you. You figure out what the steps that you need to
do going forward. It's just like you had said, whenever Rob passed away, you know, your mom
offered to stay and you said, no, I have got to figure this out for the rest of my life
going forward. And I think that while it may sound that it's easy to say, but can you really
(21:36):
put that action into play? I think you can. You know, us as humans, we're pretty resilient
people when we get out of our own way. That's the problem in our mind. Our mind plays these
tricks on us and tells us that we're weaker than what we are. But I can tell you, I've
been around so many people and they're stronger than what they think they are. But I will
also say, I think you would agree with this, hopefully Connie, I think it helps when you've
(22:01):
got the right people around you that are friends, family to kind of help push you. But don't
be a crutch for them.
That's a big part of mental toughness. First, you have to be really mindful to be mentally
tough. Like I said, you have to be very honest with yourself. You have to be mindful. You
have to surround yourself with people who are like-minded because they're going to challenge
(22:24):
you. And I always love being in a room full of people who are bigger, better, wealthier,
no more than I do. I love that. Like that's where I thrive because I get to learn so much.
I learn how people do things and I'm a great networker and those people do not intimidate
(22:45):
me. They make me want to be better is not the right word because I want to be really,
really amazing. But they challenge me. That gets me to those places I want to be. It's
like they're the rungs on the ladder for me. And I think that's one of the things is, yeah,
they also are mentally tough. They've been through things that I haven't been through.
(23:06):
And most of the people I have met in those rooms love helping people. They have no problem
divulging their secrets, which aren't secrets really. They have no problem giving you advice,
leading you in the right direction. And so when you're mentally tough, I think that's
one of the things that you can do easily is nobody's competition. We're all, there's
(23:31):
plenty of abundance in the world and we can all get there.
You probably don't even remember this Connie, but I come to you kind of at a moment of weakness.
I guess I would say something had come up and I'm not going to get into the specifics,
but something had come up where I thought a transaction had happened many years back
and it was quite a bit of money. But I had agreed to something and I thought it was all
(23:52):
over with and I'm going forward and I'm analyzing all the reports as I would do every month
as far as financially where I'm at and come to find out something didn't happen many years
back and they were coming back for it. And I come to you and I was basically crying to
you. I'm like, it's not fair because it's been this many years and blah, blah, blah.
And you called shit on that Connie. You're like, did you agree to this? Yeah. But I
(24:13):
agree to that many years ago and it should have already happened. And you're like, I
don't give a shit. You have to let this happen because you agreed to it. And having you actually
step up and calling bullshit on me instead of feeding into my, yeah, you know, oh, that's
terrible. You shouldn't let that, you know what I mean? Don't feed into that for people.
And I think that if you're a friend of somebody, you need a Connie in your life that is not
(24:37):
afraid to call bullshit on you. And that's what I love about you Connie and all my friends
is they are not just on my side to be on my side. If it's right and they feel like it's
right, then you guys are on my side. But if you feel like I'm not right, you will tell
me. I don't think you're right.
Well, and I always think so. I understood the frustration with that because that, that
(24:58):
is frustrating. But I also understand the moral foundation. You had said you would do
it and you were not a person who doesn't, but I knew you were frustrated. So that's
why I had to stop and say, wait a minute, you agreed to this, but you are going to be
fine because I'm the first person to believe the world is abundant. You know, if we're
willing to put one foot in front of the other and just keep going and going and going and
(25:22):
get out of our comfort zone, I have like, that doesn't even make me question if somebody's
like, Oh, no, it's not your, that's all woo woo. I'm like, okay, I've experienced it.
But with you, I knew you'd be fine. You morally, you know, your moral foundation is strong.
And so I was like, yeah, it's frustrating, but you said it. Let's go or go ahead and
(25:43):
do it. Now you actually later though, and this did make me mad. You, you made it easy
for somebody to, because they had, they had dropped the ball. Yes. And then you were like,
okay, I'm just going to deal with it. I'm going to fix it for him. And that's the part
where I was like, no, you know, here's the deal, make them fix it. But I think you also
(26:07):
wanted it off your plate. Yeah. But see, that's, that's what I appreciate about you, Connie,
and all my friends. I get honest feedback. I don't get the feedback I necessarily want
all the time, but I do get that feedback. But no, I love that. And I'll be honest with
you. And you can ask anybody around. That makes me a better person. If you've got those
(26:27):
people in your life that can be truthful to you and tell you when you're being an idiot
or when you need to stop doing what you're doing, it makes you a better person. But also
you have to be the person that's willing to listen to that. You know, I didn't get pissed
at you, Connie, not for a second, because you're telling me something that you had absolutely
no ties to. And that's the reason I knew it was a completely unbiased opinion. You weren't
(26:52):
concerned about either side of this, but you're telling me what you thought was right. And
I, I've always said that I appreciate that. And I do. So it was really neat. And I will
always remember that because that was one of those times when I just wanted to bitch
about myself and say how unfair life was. And you're like, bullshit, it's not either.
You agreed to that.
Well, and I'll tell you, so the last few months have been pretty mentally tough for me.
(27:18):
Oh, I bet.
You know, being laid up for eight weeks and, and now another four to learn to walk again.
And I have noticed in that my mental strength is kind of waning. And I, I have some moments
where I do get that victim mentality where I'm like, Oh my gosh, this isn't, my life
(27:39):
has not been fair. And then I'm like, wait a minute, so many people have gone through
what I've gone through or worse, you need to deal, but it's mental. It is completely
mental because I am not taking time to meditate. I'm not taking time to be grateful. I'm not
taking time. And I have, that's what I have on my hands is time, but somewhere along the
(28:00):
way, my discipline has gone out the window. And I do get kind of whiny a little bit, but
that is where my, my friends come in and Jeff, you know, they're all like, are you, Jeff,
a lot of times it's like, I know you're bothered, but there are worse things in life. And I'm
like, you're right. You are right. He's like, you're going to get through this as you have
(28:22):
just a few more weeks. It's frustrating. Yes. But you're going to get through it. And I
just have to remember that and, you know, stand on that solid ground of, okay, quit
feeling sorry for yourself. And I think that's, yeah, where some of that victim mentality
can come in.
Ellen definitely helps me on some of that because I can get frustrated or worked up when somebody
gives me a time that something needs to be done. And that's when, you know, and when
(28:46):
we say playing the victim, it is just stepping back and making sure that your actions are
realistic for the situation you're in front of. It's so easy to just go off the handle
for things.
But I, I, there was something that we're in the middle of trying to get put together
and we had some dates from an individual to have something done. And when that dates passed,
I wanted to be far more pushy than she did, but she, she's so right in, you know, we're
(29:11):
not in a hurry, just relax, just calm down. If this doesn't work out, we'll do something
different. She keeps me from being worked up on stuff, which I can, you know, I can
get that way. And then the next thing, you know, I want to send out 12 emails. That's
just mean as hell. So, but, but that's me being, I mean, if you think about it, it is
me being a victim. I'm wanting to complain because you're not getting, you know what
I mean, this done, and I'm complaining to her and I'll complain to other people and
(29:33):
she's like, I'm out, who gives this shit? If you don't, you know, if you're not good
with it, go somewhere else. But you know, Connie, talking about this mental toughness,
we, like I said, we've had a lot of people on the show, some amazing guests. I didn't
think we would ever have what we've had, but thinking about addiction, for instance,
you know, it's easy for me when I was divorced, even when you, you know, when Rob passed away,
(29:56):
you could have those moments of weakness. You could have those, you know, victim mentality
moments or whatever you want to call them. And you could even be down and out for a day.
You didn't have to call anybody. You could just kind of stay home in your, you know,
and feel sorry for yourself. But if you think about like addiction, they have to work that
every day and they have to be so careful because they can't go back to what they were doing.
(30:18):
So having the right people around them. And I know a lot of the programs are around, you
know, you've got someone to call at any point in time. But the reason I bring that up, it's
even more critical for them to have that mental toughness to not go back to what they were
doing. But you know, that's the same program we're really talking about is if you get that
moment when you're pissed off, call one of your friends, call somebody you trust, it's
(30:39):
the same setup.
Right. And you know, the more we talk about this, I think about it and I think, well,
we all have a victim mentality.
Yes.
At some point, it's how we respond. Do we just let it stay there and we dwell in it?
Or do we move past it? And I think that's the thing. Not only can you move past it with
your friends, but there are steps that you can take to move past that mentality also.
(31:05):
Yes. And we talked about this before we got on this episode. But you know, you look at
all of the top CEOs, you look at very, or people that are very good at creating businesses,
you know, including yourself, Connie, you have to have that mental toughness because
you're going to be challenged every day. It's going to be so easy to fall victim. The economy
wasn't good. That's the reason it didn't work. Or, you know, I didn't have somebody had
(31:29):
quit me and now that somebody quit me, my business is just not as, there's always a
reason that you can find that you aren't performing as well as you should. I think that the people
that are really good, the top CEOs, the people that we look at that are business owners and
we go, wow, they're really good. They have that mental toughness. And once again, they're
not looking for reasons why something's the way it is. They're looking at how do we go
(31:52):
forward and make it better? And that's don't look back, look forward.
Right. Well, in one of the articles that I had printed out, it said mental toughness
is essentially building resilience through consistent practice of challenging yourself
mentally and emotionally through mindfulness and meditation, regulate your emotions, step
out of your comfort zone and try challenges and cultivate a positive mindset with self
(32:18):
affirmations. So I think those are things that really push people forward rather than
sitting in their victimhood. Yeah, I agree. And I think it's very important to somehow
become self aware of when you're doing that. Everybody's going to, and I explained mine,
you've explained yours. Everybody's going to get to that, but knowing when you do it
(32:42):
and being able to get out of it, being able to call somebody, being able to make sure
that you don't stay the victim, I think that's important. That's important in achieving anything.
What, you know, divorce, death, you know, life transitions of any type and kind. When
you come out of that and you hit that valley of despair, when you're at the bottom, it's
whether you look forward and you figure out how to put a plan together to get better or
(33:06):
whether you just want to stay down there and you know, pity yourself and you want others
to feel sorry for you. So how do you become aware? Like that's something that's interesting
when you say that, you know, how do you, what are your practices of being aware of what's
happening? For me, it's when I feel it's like when I don't know how to react to something.
(33:27):
And my reaction I know is only emotions. It's when I'm pissed off. It's when I'm ready to
scream at somebody. It's when I feel like I've been wronged. That's when I usually have
to call somebody and say, Hey, I need your advice. Let me talk about this. I think everybody's
situation is going to be different because my courses is going to be different than somebody
else's. If you're, you know, I think on addiction, it would be totally different. It's when,
(33:51):
when you, you know, feel that need that you, you're ready, you know, that you're going
to go back into that lifestyle or something you have to call somebody. But I think everybody's
just different. Mine is that helplessness. I mean, it really is. I feel like all I want
to do is react with emotions.
Right. And I'm very similar because you know, if I start feeling my emotions well up, I
(34:14):
mean, we've had this, these conversations where I say to you, stop, I will call you
back because my emotions are getting, they're welling up and I can feel myself feeling out
of control. And I think the way I got to that though was after Rob died, I really started
doing a lot of meditation. And then every morning I would either take a walk or I would
(34:37):
do a dance workout thing. And those were so helpful. It's funny because I remember what
used to be helpful was me vacuuming. And then we got rid of all of our carpet. I had hard
wood floors throughout my whole life. So vacuuming was not quite as satisfying, but it used to
be vacuuming. I would sit in my head and figure things out. And the same thing happened when
(35:01):
I would exercise or when I would meditate. And so that's, and of course I do call people
or I'll ask, but for the most part, what brought me to just the baseline of emotional maturity,
feeling myself, setting boundaries, being vulnerable, all of that. What brought me to
that was those two things really was meditation and exercise.
(35:26):
You know, there's this book, it's called Black Box Thinking that Ellen actually had me listen
to. But this book, Black Box Thinking, it was interesting. It's along the same lines of
this victim mentality, but they talk about basically the human mind, human beings in
general. And the thing that I remember in there so vividly is how we don't want to be
(35:47):
wrong. When we don't want to be wrong, whether it's in a divorce, whether it's in anything,
at work, we don't want to be wrong, that we will go the extra mile to prove that we're
right. And it's just something that's built into us. And it was interesting in this book,
Connie, they talked about detectives that think they have enough evidence to prove somebody
(36:09):
wrong or has is guilty in something that they believe so much in this that if they aren't
careful, it is easy for them to fabricate things because they know the right. And it's
interesting because in this book, it's been proven over and over through DNA testing,
you know, many years later that some of these people were not guilty, but they could go
(36:30):
back to the prosecutor or the law enforcement. And the law enforcement today, even with DNA
evidence proving them not guilty, they would still will believe that they are guilty and
it doesn't matter at that point when anybody says because they believe so much in that.
So I think it's DNA, you know, it's it's us, it's our human traits that we don't want
(36:52):
to be wrong.
Right. Ego is the enemy.
Yes. That was another book that was sent to me.
Yep. Love that. So yeah. So how do you feel being a mentally tough person? How is it
for you to be around victims or a victim mentality?
(37:14):
I don't avoid people that's like that. And I do know some that are like that. I don't
avoid them, but I've learned to avoid certain subjects with them because I will almost argue
with them. Also, those type of people, you have to be more elegant about how you approach
something if you don't believe in what they what they're saying or what they're giving
(37:34):
you at that time. You know, you have to you have to come to them with with a little bit
of proof and say, well, let's talk about the other side of the story. Not, you know, whenever
you're trying to prove a point, don't make it about them. Just make it about a broad
point if you can. If you're in front of somebody that especially if there's a situation that
they're playing a victim in and that they've been deep into this, you know, if you're not
(37:55):
careful, you if you don't believe you're a good enough friend of them or that they can't
listen to the truth or what you believe is the truth, then you almost have to avoid that
subject. Right. What about you? Do you can you think of people around you and how you
approach that? Yeah, I kind of shut down. I mean, I don't want to deal with it. And do
I do I exclude them from my life? No, I don't. But it's hard for me to have a really meaningful
(38:23):
relationship a lot of times with people who have the victim mentality. And I'm not talking
about one or two times, I'm talking about that's their life, you know. Yes. So I have
I think I shut down because again, I don't want to argue with them either, because I
don't feel like there's any changing their mind or changing who they are. I think that's
(38:44):
self work that has to come from them. And I'm not going to be the one I might suggest,
you know, a book or something like that that may have helped me at some point. But otherwise,
I just kind of backup and I just not be really, really involved with them. That's how I handle
it. Maybe not the best, but it's what's good for me. You know, that's one of my boundaries
(39:06):
is that I don't want to get myself entwined in a in a relationship with a victim.
But you know, a lot of this depends on the relationship you have. I can honestly name
probably 10 friends of mine that if something happened and they really got into that victim
mentality, I mean, divorce or whatever it would be, I could have that truthful conversation
(39:27):
with them. And I could, you know, because first of all, I think they know I care about
them and I, you know, you've got it's more than rapport, but you've got this connection
with them that you're not there to harm them. You're just trying to tell them what you see
from the other side. But outside of those 10 people, Connie, I, you know, other people
come to me and and would express, you know, divorce and and would want to go down the
(39:50):
victim mentality of let me tell you the 45 things they did right. And I did wrong and
how terrible of a person there are. The only thing I could say is, you know, it's over
with that's in the past. Let's go forward, quit reliving that past, you know, let's
go forward, put a plan together, let's put some actions to where you feel like you're
achieving something. And of course, you know, we've talked all along here, you know, everybody's
(40:10):
got different personalities. I like to see I'm achieving something or, you know, I put
behaviors in front of me because I think a behavior helps with an outcome. So, you know,
if I know I the outcome is I want to make this much money or I want to have this type
of job, what's the behaviors I got to put together to achieve that. And when I get all
(40:31):
those behaviors done, if I didn't achieve it, I put more behaviors there. So it's about,
for me, building out a plan, but not everybody wants to build that plan and go forward. They
really just want you to listen to how terrible they've got it. And I have a tough time with
that. Right. And that's a comfort, you know, people are in their comfort zone a lot of
times and it is hard to get out of unless you have somebody kind of pushing you in the
(40:54):
right direction. But there's still a lot of people who want to play the victim and they
don't, they're comfortable in that. Because again, like we had talked about earlier, where
the article I read, they get something out of it subconsciously, they are being rewarded
somehow. Yes. And I just don't have that in me to reward that type of behavior well.
(41:17):
Going back to what I had just said, I had a mentor, I guess you would say, basically
I went to management classes for years and years and years, but the person that would
taught us for all that time, what he always said, and really I've, I've took to heart,
even in my personal life, I cannot control the outcome. I can only control the behavior.
So I go back to that. If you want an outcome of something, what's the behaviors I need to
(41:39):
put into place to achieve that? So put in five behaviors and what you do, once again,
you can't control the outcome. After you've done those, if the outcome isn't what you
want, you have to control more of your behaviors. I think that happens in life. And you did
this, I know you did Connie, whenever Rob passed away, you, you basically built out,
you knew the behaviors you needed to have to get to the outcome you needed, which was
(42:02):
being okay. Right. Yeah. To function.
Yes. To function. But, and you know, I want to step back and say, everybody has the moment
of weakness. Don't think that if you have the moment of weakness that you can't call
and just bitch to somebody, let them listen to you. It's not that it's what, what does
the other side look at? You can't dwell in that. You can't keep that victim mentality
(42:23):
longterm because it serves you no purpose whatsoever.
None. Well, in our eyes, but again, I'm starting to understand it a little bit that some of,
some people, they get rewards from it. So they aren't held accountable. They, you know,
emotionally get some sort of self conscious, like benefit from it. It makes them feel better.
(42:47):
Yeah. And I, I don't have that. I don't understand it. So, you know, I guess that's just where
I'm going to have to say, you get to do you, I get to do me, but it's tough. It's tough
to be around people who are victims when either you can solve their problem for them or you
just have to, you know, let them dwell where they're at.
(43:09):
I think you're absolutely correct on that. Let me ask you this. I know that you, you've,
you've had a business almost your whole, well, your whole grown up life in a sense you and
Rob did. I don't think you've really had a ton of employees, but can you imagine
you yourself, when you look at individuals out there and you're pretty, it's pretty easy
to spot somebody that, that has that mental toughness and focuses on the good or focuses
(43:32):
on achieving whatever it is forward or the person that has a victim mentality. As you
can imagine, when you spot those people, it's hard to keep them in a position.
Absolutely. In our business, I don't know that I dealt with a, I say that.
You probably did with subcontractors.
I was going to say we had a lot of subcontractors, independent contractors, but our office staff,
(43:55):
we didn't have a lot of victim mentality, but I will tell you early on in my career,
I was the head of sales for a company. And just a few times I had, I would hire people,
they interviewed great, and then they would come into the job and they would play the
victim because what we were doing was hard. I mean, it was a sales position. And I would
(44:19):
try and coach them. And I was young, so I kind of didn't know what I was doing either.
I would try and coach them. And I think what would end up happening is I would just get
really kind of ugly and just be like, I'm blowing them off and then eventually fire
them. And I couldn't let the rest of my team, because the rest of my team, they were mentally
(44:40):
tough. They were superstars, by the way. And to have one person come in there and be whiny,
they had to go. And we had to get rid of them pretty quickly. Yeah.
For me, whenever I was managing people, you can usually spot that within a week or two
weeks of working with somebody. And it depends on the position they're in. But I know one
(45:00):
of the things that was my rule, or got to be my rule, is when you come to me with a problem,
bring a solution with it or don't come to me at all. And it wasn't that I wanted them
to completely solve the problem, but I wanted them to think about what is my options going
forward. I don't want you to just think about the bad. Don't come to me and tell me how
everything's horrible, how this isn't ever going to work. Come to me and say, I don't
(45:24):
think this is working. This is what I don't like. And this is what I think we should do
going forward. At least, spend it positive. Make me think that you're thinking more proactively
about how we can make it better and don't just dwell on the bad.
Absolutely. So that's what I did with mine.
I love that.
Let's end with this last question, Connie.
(45:44):
Okay.
All right. How do you think mental toughness contributes to your overall life satisfaction
and success?
Easy. I think it allows me to feel in control because what mental toughness allows me to
do, and this is a big, big, big one, is I have no issues setting boundaries.
(46:05):
Oh, yes, you don't. That's true.
I don't have any issues. And I had to learn that after Rob died. That was a huge lesson
for me where I might have had boundaries, but they could be kind of, you know, moved
a little bit because as a woman, we're supposed to be nice. We're supposed to please people,
that type of thing.
(46:25):
Well, after Rob died, I had way too many things coming at me. I had way too many people wanting
something from me, expecting something. I had to set boundaries. And that means sometimes
doing things that people don't want you to do. When you say no, they may not like it.
But what mental toughness allowed me to do was set boundaries and take control of my
(46:47):
life. It also then, because I was setting boundaries, I was able to build my confidence.
I was able to take time for myself and be very mindful. I was able to emotionally know
that in challenges, I could be kind about it. So that's one of my big sayings. And I
try until everybody I know that comes to me with any type of issue or solution or any
(47:13):
issue or problem, I always say, in your solution, be kind because people are human. So you may
have to say to them, you know, this isn't working out, but you don't have to say, oh,
you're a dumb ass, you're fired. You know, you can be kind to other humans. And I would
hope that that would be the case. But mental toughness has definitely allowed me to be
(47:36):
more in control. And when you're in control of your life, let me tell you, you're much
happier, much happier.
You're exactly right. Mental toughness to me makes you far more successful in your
life because you are confident. And I'll be honest with you, there's no way I would have
achieved where I'm at today. And could I've went farther? Absolutely could have. I'm
where I'm at. I'm happy. I want to be where I'm at. But it gives you the confidence to
(47:59):
keep going and keep trying to push to get more, you know, whether it's the position
or whatever it is, but also what mental toughness does. It gives you the confidence to know
when to say this isn't working for me, whether that's a relationship, whether that's job.
And I told you that I did have that in the job. And then I got scared afterwards. But
in any of those mental toughness allows you to not dwell on when something's bad and complained
(48:23):
to everybody. It's bad for 20 years. It's to make action or to create actions to stop
that. You've got to be happy in life. And you got to figure out what actions it takes
to make you happy. But the hardest thing in life is being able to say when something's
not making you happy and having to put an end to that, whatever that is, job wise relationship,
you know, we are on this planet far too short of a time to be unhappy for the rest of our
(48:47):
life. Absolutely. Absolutely. I agree with that wholeheartedly. I think you're absolutely
right. Connie, this has been awesome. This was a great conversation. I know you threw
this out and said, I really want to talk on this. And I thought, what the hell are we
going to do on this? And then the more I started thinking about it, I got excited because I
knew where you were going with this, which you've always got this plan and I appreciate
(49:09):
that. But I think this is great. I think, you know, this fits so well because we've
talked about all these life transitions and now we're talking about how do we come out
of that other side? Yeah, I love this subject. I think it's really important, especially
for women because a lot of women feel like mental toughness means you have to be rude
or mean. And in fact, you know, I'm starting to do some speaking and one of the topics
(49:33):
is compassionate resilience. And I think that includes this mental toughness for sure.
Yes. So, and being compassionate about it. But yeah, it's something I really love women
to know is that they can be kind and tough at the same time. Toughness is maybe the wrong
word, but kind and strong. As a guy, pretty attractive when you've got a gal that's that
(49:55):
confidence, got that mental toughness and doesn't have that victim mentality, which
is hilarious because you're your lady has, she's pretty bad ass. So she is. All right.
Well, Connie, I thought it was a great conversation. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you. Thank
you for indulging me. Absolutely. Have a great week. You too. We'll talk to you soon. All
(50:17):
right. Bye. Bye.
Okay. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Our Life Beyond. We really hope
that you found our discussion insightful and inspiring or at least brought us milder your
day. If you did enjoy this episode, please consider subscribing to the podcast on your
favorite platform and leave us a review. For more information, resources or show notes,
(50:39):
visit our website at ourlifebeyond.com. You can also follow us on social media, search
for us on Facebook at our life beyond. We would love to hear from you or listeners.
So feel free to reach out with your questions, comments or suggestions through our contact
us page at ourlifebeyond.com or on social media. And once again, thank you for joining
(51:01):
us on this journey. Till next time, remember life beyond any challenge is possible and
we're here to navigate it with you. Stay strong, stay positive and keep moving forward.
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