June 1, 2024 • 31 mins
We talk about ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) at school. We take bullying head on. But there's one especially treacherous ACE that afflicts as many as 1 in 3 teens from which we shy almost completely - teen dating violence and sexual abuse.
Abuse survivor-turned-activist and national touring expert Ashley Bendiksen has made it her mission to bring these widespread and uncomfortable issues out of the darkness in order to shine her light on a welcome alternative - teaching kids how to establish and maintain healthy relationships.
The relevance for public education is immense because, as Bendiksen points out, traumatized kids have a much harder time learning. It's next to impossible to focus on completing assignments or taking tests when students face abuse in their home or key relationships. But few teachers and administrators have been trained how to address such sensitive topics.
This is where Bendiksen comes in with her clarion call. She travels the country sharing her own powerful story of survival, and the expertise she has since developed around domestic and sexual violence, adolescent mental health, resilience and healing after abuse. Further, she points out the profound influence educators can have on young lives when they transcend the academic and begin to venture into the social and emotional minefields many of their students are forced to navigate.
Some of the solutions Bendiksen outlines as a response to this complex and traumatic state of affairs sound surprisingly simple - simple enough that you may wonder why all educators aren't provided with these tools from the outset of their careers.
You can find out more about Ashley Bendiksen, her library of resources and her speaking engagements at ashleybendiksen.com.
"Outliers in Education" is a project of CEE, The Center for Educational Effectiveness. Find out more at effectiveness.org.
Produced by Jamie Howell at Howell at the Moon Productions.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ad VO (00:05):
Outliers in Education is brought to you by CEE, the
Center for EducationalEffectiveness.
Better data, better decisions,better schools.
To find out more, visiteffectivenessorg.
Eric Price (00:21):
ACES - a good thing in poker, a bad thing in schools
.
That's because in education,ACES stands for Adverse
Childhood Experiences and,unfortunately, the youth of
today are being dealt more thantheir fair share.
On this episode of Outliers inEducation, we'll learn how one
activist is helping turn thoseaces into winning hands.
Ad VO (00:48):
I think we really need to change how we look at what we
do in schools.
Everything that we do aseducators, it just comes back to
people.
Ashley Bendiksen (00:53):
I love it, even when it's hard, especially
when it's hard.
Ad VO (00:56):
Ultimately, I mean, this is about what's best for kids.
Eric Price (01:02):
Hello everyone, I'm Eric Price here alongside my
co-host, mr Eric Bowles, fromthe Center for Educational
Effectiveness, and we'd like towelcome you back to another
episode of Outliers in Educationand Bowles.
Can you believe it?
We are doing episode number 40.
Erich Bolz (01:18):
I have a hard time believing it, ep.
I also would be remiss in notwishing you a happy 56th
birthday on the moment of ourrecording this podcast, which, I
would also point out, is a lotfurther away than 40 and just
causes me to pause and reflecton how many incredible guests
we've had on Outliers in thelast 40 episodes.
If you haven't caught any ofthat backlog, we highly
encourage you to do so.
Eric Price (01:39):
Well, today will be no different, as we have yet
another phenomenal guest on thedocket.
As a young woman, she surviveda gauntlet of aces, those
adverse childhood experiencesthat I mentioned at the top of
the show.
It was enough to derail her fora time, as it is for so many of
our young people.
She became a college dropoutand quickly found herself
homeless and penniless.
(02:00):
If you look in the dictionaryunder resilient, you might just
find her picture there, Becausetoday she's a vaunted national
speaker, an activist, an authorand an expert in abuse
prevention.
Erich Bolz (02:12):
She's the founder of the New Blue Hearts Project, a
global storytelling initiativedesigned to engage survivors of
violence and abuse worldwide.
She not only went back tocollege, she graduated as
valedictorian, became a youthcoach, was named Miss Rhode
Island in 2021.
Just thought I'd throw that in,as if the rest of the pedigree
wasn't impressive enough and nowdevotes herself full time to
(02:33):
teaching teens and parents howto handle the hard stuff, or
preferably, prevent italtogether.
Please welcome to the showAshley Bendiksen.
Ashley, thank you so much forbeing here today.
Ashley Bendiksen (02:44):
Thank you for having me, Erich and Eric, I'm
very honored to be here and havethis conversation.
Eric Price (02:50):
We are so happy that you're here and really just
kind of kick us off a little bit.
Ashley, You've been through aton to get to where you are
today.
Can you share a little bit ofyour story with us about how you
got here and maybe what thattipping point was when you were
able to shift away from reallysome of those deep struggles to
(03:13):
the thriving life that you havetoday?
Ashley Bendiksen (03:15):
Yeah, I think I'll try to keep it brief.
I grew up in a small town southcoast of Massachusetts
two-parent loving home smallcommunity of Massachusetts.
Two-parent loving home smallcommunity never really had any
issues as a child and in manyways I was probably very naive
to the challenges of the world.
And unfortunately, when Ibecame a teenager, that's when I
(03:42):
first experienced pretty severeadversity.
I was in my very first datingrelationship.
Unfortunately for me, I chosethe wrong person and they became
incredibly abusive verbally,emotionally, psychologically and
, unfortunately, sexuallyabusive.
And it was that relationshipthat really started the
beginning of what would mark asix-year cycle in my life of
(04:04):
really abusive datingrelationships, being assaulted
by other individuals over theyears, trying to navigate this
issue on my own andunfortunately turning to a lot
of unhealthy coping mechanisms,starting as an adolescent up
until my early 20s, and so, tomake a long story short, today
(04:25):
I'm a survivor of abuse, datingviolence, sexual assault.
I also experienced a lot ofbullying.
I also turned to things likesubstances and self-harm.
I was depressed, I was anxious.
I kind of just had this perfectstorm of all the issues that no
teenager should have to gothrough and it really kind of
came to an end.
(04:47):
When I was 20 years old, I wasin yet another abusive
relationship that did becomephysical.
I attempted to leave, and itwas a very difficult process.
I had to do so through thecourt system, and I just
remember having this momentwhere I kind of just had this
clarity come to me, where, youknow, I looked at everything I'd
(05:07):
thrown away.
You mentioned it in my intro.
I had dropped out of collegebecause of my relationship.
I was homeless for a while,penniless, and something just
clicked that I was never theproblem.
I had just let a lot of peoplechoose my life for me, run my
life for me, damage my life, andas I was rebuilding the pieces
(05:28):
and putting my life backtogether, I was learning a lot
about abuse.
And I think what really struckme is that all those years,
especially as a teenager, as ahigh school student, I truly
believed that my experience wasso unique that no one could
possibly understand this wasjust happening to me, and I
quickly learned just howprevalent this issue was and I
(05:51):
think I felt a sense of almostrighteous indignation about it.
I was angry because it feltlike an injustice.
It felt like something no onewas talking about, no one had
ever told me or warned me andsomething sparked and ever since
I've just been holding thistorch and trying to drive change
, raise awareness.
And that kind of started withme sharing my story and then
(06:11):
changed the trajectory of mycareer and now it's my expertise
.
Eric Price (06:15):
So yeah, that's kind of how this whole story came
about If I could go back alittle bit, Ashley, when you
started to think, oh my goodness, this is just me, right?
And now you've hadconversations with tons of other
people.
Have they had that similarperspective of isolation and
uniqueness?
Ashley Bendiksen (06:32):
Yes, the bulk of my work is as a speaker.
I do a lot of school assembliesand I hear this consistently,
Students coming up and saying Ithought this was just me.
I had no idea there was alanguage for this, a definition,
a term for what I'm goingthrough and I've always said it
is that sense of solidarity thatreally brings the most change.
(06:54):
Teens especially feel alone intheir challenges and to not feel
alone that plants that veryfirst seed where someone might
eventually ask for help andstart to change their situation.
So, yes, I do get thisexperience often.
Erich Bolz (07:09):
Well, ashley, at CEE , we're into the data, as you
know.
It causes me to sort of wonderabout some of the root causal
elements about this.
You know, one of the statisticsthat you provided us in the
primer, as we got to know youwas, this type of thing affects
up to one in three childrenacross the United States.
What are your thoughts around?
How did we get here and then,what are the critical steps we
(07:29):
need to take moving forward?
Ashley Bendiksen (07:32):
Yeah, the statistics are pretty startling.
I mean, we talk often aboutother issues impacting
adolescents.
For example, bullying impactsone in five statistically, so
one in three is a prettysignificant number and it's
concerning that we're nottalking about it enough.
And this is 33% of all students, not just female students, but
(07:52):
students of all genders, allgender identities, and where
this comes from it's a mixture.
For some students it's thatabuse is in the home, it's in
the family, there's concerningbehaviors that are now
translating into their firstrelationships.
For others, teens are young andthey're in those first
interpersonal relationships andthey just don't know anything
(08:14):
about healthy dating and redflags and like most of us I mean
, I think even as adults we canagree most of what we learn from
relationships is through trialand error, not through ongoing
conversations and coaching andclasses on what relationships
should look like.
So, sadly, most teenagers or,excuse me, a large number of
(08:34):
teenagers do experience abuse.
And when I say abuse I want tomake it abundantly clear.
We're not talking aboutphysical violence in these
relationships, but it's arelationship where one partner
is kind of emotionally, verbally, psychologically harmful.
They're controlling, they'remanipulative, and this has a
significant impact on a youngperson's mental health, on how
(08:57):
they perceive themselves, ontheir sense of self identity
agency autonomy, which is whyit's concerning identity agency
autonomy, which is why it'sconcerning so you know critical
steps.
You know mental health is beingtaught in schools right now.
It's great to see that there'ssuch an emphasis.
But a huge core component ofmental health is healthy
interpersonal relationships, andthat spans from your dating
(09:19):
partner to your best friend toyour peer groups and even family
dynamics.
So I think we need toprioritize healthy relationships
education within all of oursocial, emotional and mental
health learning, and that'scertainly what I try to do, in
the ability that I can, when Ivisit schools and I speak.
But I'd love to see even moreeffort to teach students what's
(09:42):
healthy, what are the red flagsand how to ask for help.
Erich Bolz (09:47):
So, ashley, you mentioned you do a lot of school
assemblies.
You're primarily a speaker.
You talked about kids who haveindicated gosh.
They thought they were isolated, sort of that one-off, and
through your process they'relearning.
I'm not alone, tragically.
I'm not even close to alone.
Do you have any stories, anyinteractions that you've had
(10:07):
with students that reallyresonate, where you can say, wow
, it was a powerful moment.
I think it made a differencefor me and for that child.
Ashley Bendiksen (10:15):
There are countless.
I mean, it is every assemblythat I deliver.
Maybe there's not a studentthat comes up afterwards in
person, but I go home toInstagram messages and emails.
I would say I'll share twobecause I think they really
paint a powerful picture of theimpact of a speaker and at least
the impact of what I do as aspeaker.
The first was a middle schoolstudent who, after hearing me
(10:38):
speak, ended up reporting anolder male who had sexually
assaulted her, and a few monthslater she was in therapy, she
was working with the districtattorney's office, he was being
prosecuted.
So that's huge.
The second one that really stoodout to me more recently was a
male student who came up andself-identified as thinking he
(10:59):
is abusive to his girlfriend andasking what resources exist for
him.
And that seems to happen moreoften.
You know I do a really good jobof not pointing fingers or
attacking.
You know, the whole point ofthe message is we all want to be
in healthy relationships, wewant to be healthy partners, we
want to feel good in our livesand secure in our relationships.
So I'll tell those kids too.
(11:21):
You know, if you think you dosome of these things, there's
also help for you.
This is the age where we can dothat.
So to me, that gives me a lotof hope.
Eric Price (11:29):
And he actually he had no idea that he was being an
abuser.
Ashley Bendiksen (11:32):
Correct.
Yeah, wow, yeah.
It's inspiring, it's hopeful,yeah.
Eric Price (11:38):
So, ashley, if we could give you the magic wand
and you could go into publiceducation to kind of help with
some of these things, what wouldyou like to see public
education be doing more so to behelping out our kiddos?
Ashley Bendiksen (11:51):
I think I could come up with a list, but I
think first and foremost, wereally need to understand and
this is not anything new to yourlisteners, but the impact of
life issues on individualachievement and academic success
.
I've mentioned a little bitabout the impact on student
mental health, but there's alsocountless research that shows
(12:13):
that these issues negativelyimpact a student's grades
performance in the classroom,whether they graduate on time.
These are big life issues wheresuddenly studying for a test
feels less important.
So one it's really getting thatmessage across that student
success is linked to teachingthese life skills.
I'd love to see it in ourhealth classrooms more than just
(12:36):
a one-day health lesson onhealthy relationships.
So having this consistentmessaging, ideally from
elementary school up throughhigh school.
You know we can start teachinghealthy friendships at a young
age.
So really seeing that on a moreconsistent basis, and I think
that there's ways that eventeachers can be more empowered
to step in.
You know I also offer staff PDbecause a big piece of my story
(13:01):
is that there was nointervention and I often have
had to wonder what if just oneor two concerned adults would
have noticed the red flags foundme support at age 14, this
might've changed my life.
So I think really making surethat staff PD also incorporates
skills to recognize at-riskstudents and know how to refer
(13:25):
them to guidance, refer them tosupport in a timely, simple,
effective way.
You know, sometimes teachersand schools are worried that now
they have to become socialworkers.
That is not the ask, it's justyou can recognize the red flags
and help that kid go get to aspecialist.
Eric Price (13:41):
We've got loads more to talk about with Ashley
Bendixon, so stick around for 60seconds and we'll be right back
right here on Outliers inEducation.
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Eric Price (14:56):
And we're back.
We've got nationally knownspeaker, author and activist,
ashley Bendixson here with ustoday and lots more to cover.
So let's dive right back in,ashley.
I am in a position where I'mteaching pre-service teachers.
Right, they're going to becometeachers and maybe, from some of
our perspectives as going to beteachers, we think, oh, this
(15:17):
should be happening in thefamily.
Right, these are some.
This should be happening in thefamily.
Right, these are some thingsthat should be taught in the
family, particularly the datingpieces.
And so what are we assumingthat maybe isn't happening?
If you're going to talk to apre-service teacher or a teacher
in there to say, hey, this iswhat you can assume is being
taught in the family, what wouldyou say about that?
Ashley Bendiksen (15:35):
I think I have two perspectives on that.
The first is that for some ofthese students, there is abuse
in the home.
You know, family violence is avery real issue, so they're
certainly not getting lessonsand guidance in that type of
environment connected of homes.
(16:00):
When kids are struggling, theydo a good job of hiding this.
My parents had no clue thatthey even needed to talk to me
about things like healthy dating, because they didn't even know
I was dating.
So you know, teens historicallydon't open up about these
issues.
It's awkward to talk to yourparents about this stuff, but I
think we need to normalize theseconversations and school is one
way to do it.
I think health class is one wayto do it.
(16:21):
If we're going to talk about,like I said, mental health,
mental wellness, you know howpeople affect us.
That's a big piece of it.
Eric Price (16:28):
So getting to that people piece you talk about like
relationships being a real coreto the health of our students.
What do these healthyrelationships really do for our
students in K-12?
What do these healthy?
Ashley Bendiksen (16:40):
relationships really do for our students in
K-12?
Well, I mean, I think at everyage of one's life cycle there's
different developmental tasks,and especially in that middle
school to high school phase,this is when young people are
developing their sense of self,their identity.
That is their soledevelopmental task, and we do
this in relationship to others.
For teens, uniquely, they'redoing that through expanded
(17:06):
independence right, they're outdoing things, having their
driver's license, all of thatPlus, they're doing it more
socially.
And so I think it's reallyimportant that you know that we
realize that healthyrelationships have the ability
to allow students to become whothey're supposed to be, to
thrive.
We want students to fulfilltheir greatest potential, to be
(17:26):
authentic and true to themselves, and they can't do that when
their friends are negativelyinfluencing their perception of
who they are.
So if they can develop healthyrelationships, do things like
establish boundaries with people, they can stay in their lane,
stay true to who they are, andthey will go on to thrive, not
just in the classroom and in ourschools, but throughout their
lives.
Erich Bolz (17:46):
So, ashley, I'm sitting here thinking about a
number of things and makingconnection to previous podcasts,
and we know that the SurgeonGeneral has identified you know,
used to be sitting now it'sloneliness is the new smoking.
As I'm thinking through, youknow what you've described.
It's really that sense ofisolation that creates this
opportunity for lack of a betterword for these dating violence
(18:10):
situations to manifestthemselves.
Isolation then in turn createsloneliness, and I've been trying
to make sense in my own mindaround what is so detrimental
about loneliness.
I mean, why is it, you know,why is a lifespan shortening
factor?
I'm starting to see some ofthose tangibles.
So making a huge connection toour friends at Only 7 Seconds,
luke Wall and Eric Dreesen, whoare on a show.
Their national mission is tocombat loneliness.
(18:30):
Can you talk about what thatcycle looks like and how it
perpetuates itself and give ustwo or three ideas around how
can we help kids break thatcycle of isolation and feel less
hopeless?
Ashley Bendiksen (18:42):
I think you hit on a few really important
points, you know, the firstbeing that loneliness or not
feeling like you belong can makea young person more vulnerable
to someone who shows up andseems like they are going to be
this stable pillar in their life, to be this stable pillar in
their life.
For dating relationships, oftenthe beginning is filled with
(19:02):
big words of affirmation andlove and affection and this
person makes a student feel likethey belong, they feel seen by
someone.
And when the relationshipbegins to change, if they tend
to be lonely or experience lifein isolation, now this person is
all they have.
Life in isolation, now thisperson is all they have.
So you know that's part of it.
(19:25):
You know it's interestingbecause I know loneliness is a
big conversation but at the sametime, many students kind of
feel like they need more alonetime.
You know a lot of them areconnected at all times through
social media, comparing what'severybody doing I need to make
sure that I'm keeping up with myfriends or what everybody's
showing online.
So I think what we could do ishave you know more conversations
(19:45):
around the value of aloneness,right, like getting to know
yourself, spending time withyourself.
You know we live in a reallytough world right now, and I
think this really comes down tothose core lessons that we hope
to teach, which is know who youare, develop self-care.
You know like yourself, buildthat sense of agency, autonomy
(20:06):
and identity, and hopefully thatcan combat some of this.
So, yeah, that's a tough one toanswer, but it definitely makes
some students more vulnerable,and I also think that we can
have conversations about thevalue in spending time alone too
.
Erich Bolz (20:20):
Have you had an experience with a staff member,
an administrator, a teacher,where you know your message
changed that school's practiceor that teacher's practice?
Ashley Bendiksen (20:28):
Yes, I've had many teachers who, individually,
have reached out over the yearsand said you know, I still
bring this topic up in myclassrooms.
Or, you know, every year westart off with this, or I
reference that, or I referencethat podcast that you were on
once.
You told us about it.
I have tons of resources on mywebsite, so it happens in
different ways.
(20:48):
It's interesting.
A lot of schools do focusgroups with their students and
they try to gauge what are thehot topic issues that students
want to learn more about andthis comes up pretty
consistently and it's usuallythat I become the starting point
.
For, you know, this came out ofthe focus groups, this came out
of the surveys.
Let's bring in a speaker andsuddenly every year now they're
doing, you know, a February teendating violence month or an
(21:11):
awareness week, or now they'redoing PSAs every year.
So, yes, you know my work goinginto schools is often a
supplement to existing effortsor it might inspire ongoing
yearly efforts once the schoolssee how important this issue is
to teens.
Eric Price (21:27):
I've got a personal question for you.
So a lot of my students I don'tthink they have a very good
perception about the world thatthey're entering into as
teachers.
Erich Bolz (21:38):
That's the understatement of the century.
Exactly yes.
Eric Price (21:41):
Yeah, so if you were going to give them some advice,
like you're going to help me,to help them, what would you say
?
Like to really get them to aunderstand the issue better and
then have them do helpful things, I think, really to move them
out of this feeling ofisolationism.
What, what would you coach meon, ashley, cause I need
(22:01):
coaching.
Ashley Bendiksen (22:03):
Yeah, I think honestly, a lot of this comes
from just fosteringrelationships and you know, that
can be something as simple asmaking sure you say hello to
each kid when they come in theclassroom, recognizing kids by
first name.
I mean, a lot of kids don'tidentify one adult that they
have a good relationship with,but if you do have that one
teacher, that's kind of alwayshey, ashley, so what'd you do
(22:23):
this weekend?
Or, oh, do you have any pets athome?
Like getting kids just to talkabout things that they like, you
know that makes a bigdifference.
You know, and I think, justrepeating in the classroom, if
anyone ever needs anything, I'mhere as a resource, you know,
constantly mentioning thatbetween building a good
relationship and reaffirmingthat you are a support.
Hopefully kids do then one daysay hey, you know, ms Bendixson,
(22:46):
can I talk to you?
Or you know, I think I want totalk to someone else.
So I think that's important andyou know, I think the other
piece too is just, you know,really recognizing the impactful
role that teachers can play.
It's like Eric mentioned at theend for many students, school
is the only safe place.
A teacher might be the only safeadult.
And I think just recognizing,like the subtlest little red
(23:09):
flags, that hunch that maybe akid needs a little help, that's
all you need to do.
And then go tell a socialworker at the school, go tell a
guidance counselor to check inwith a student.
So you know very little thingsthat can make a big impact in
the life of a kid who has no oneelse.
Eric Price (23:25):
And do you see any time when, as a mandatory
reporter, that that's animpediment to that, that there,
that gets a little clunky.
Ashley Bendiksen (23:34):
Yeah, it's challenging because I think, you
know we want to help kids thatare in trouble.
But you know, mandated reportingcan cause a lot more issues for
a child too, and it's one ofthe reasons a lot of kids don't
talk to teachers.
So, you know, I think one issueinforming kids of the process of
like here are people at schoolthat are, you know, are
(23:54):
confidential here's, here arethe things you can talk about
versus the things you can't,where we're required, most kids
have no idea who they can talkto or what they can say.
You know, I always tellteachers if a student starts to
open up, it's okay to say, hey,I'm just going to stop you right
there, just so you know.
If you say A, b or C, I'm amandated reporter, but you know
(24:15):
if there's another way you canask me for advice, or you know
if something's impacting someone.
You know, I think kids justgetting help is the most
important thing.
So we just have to comesometimes stop them.
You know, a big part of this,like I said, is building trust,
and if a kid trusts you and thenyou go report, you've just
ruined that trust and they don'tget it.
(24:35):
So I think it's just beingreally direct about what that
looks like.
Eric Price (24:40):
Awesome, Ashley, my goodness, there are so many
things here that I think that wereally need to be reflective of
as educators, and there arethings that we aren't trained on
right, Like these are notthings that we have curricula
that are pointing towards, butand yet I think there are some
of the hugest needs for for ourkiddos.
(25:01):
So I I am so appreciative ofyou being in this space and
having these conversations withthese kiddos, and, and and I
think that the second piece isreally helping us as leaders how
do we help other kiddos outwith some of these things that
they're in isolation when wedon't know?
So this is that part of theshow when we tap Bolzy and we
(25:25):
say, hey, Bolzy, what do you gotfor a wrap up here?
So we had some Dr Phil's foryou here, Bolzy, what do you got
?
Erich Bolz (25:32):
Well, thank you for setting me up for success EP.
I have, as usual, a page fullof notes.
Really, starting with the top,ashley's origin story is
inspiring overcoming a six-yearcycle of dating abuse in the
teens up until age 20.
I think about myself at age 20.
I'm not sure I had the agencyto overcome much of anything at
all, much of anything at all.
(25:55):
So to go on that journey tosome extent alone and come
through and out the other sideand be making this type of
impact for our kids across thecountry is impressive and a
testimony to obviously a deepwellspring and spirit that
Ashley possesses.
She gained clarity by lookingat everything she'd thrown away
and wanting to strive for that,so certainly moved by the
message, turning negatives intopositives.
We are the sum total of ourstory and those of us who have
(26:15):
had negative mentoringexperiences in our lifetime
oftentimes use those astouchstones to make the most
change.
So resonated on that level.
We talk about bullying.
Bullying is a huge emphasis inpublic schools, codified in law.
Here in Washington State itimpacts one in five kids, but we
almost have no conversationaround dating violence.
That impacts one in three.
That was a huge, huge learningfor me and I wonder why.
(26:39):
I wonder if it isn't just theuncomfortable nature of the
topic that causes other thingsto be more easily focused upon.
Healthy interpersonalrelationships are a huge
component of mental health.
We see that in our own survey,work with students for sure,
again and again and again withalmost all of our guests that
speak here on the mental healthand SEL side.
Traumatized students can'tlearn and we know from our
(27:02):
outlier study that familyatmosphere that we see in those
schools might create theopportunity I think in Ashley's
words for a needed intervention.
When there is abuse at the home, kids may not have any place,
but school to turn to Isolationseems to be a factor.
And like I connected, the homekids may not have any place, but
school to turn to Isolationseems to be a factor.
And like I connected thepodcast, isolation can lead to
loneliness and we know thatloneliness now has detrimental
(27:22):
impacts.
Isolation is the controllingstrategy in a relationship.
Perhaps one way through it andsomething else we measure is a
group of strong, supportivefriends can be an antidote to
that isolating personality.
Student agency she talked a lotabout student agency and again,
something I resonate with.
What I liked at the end wasreally sort of that organic
sense.
I think Ashley's answer was atextbook answer and how you
(27:44):
really ought to use REES studentdata.
At CEE we talk about surveysand then pulling those key
pieces of data out and havingstudent focus groups, letting
students have some agency in notletting but in ensuring
creating an environment wherestudents have agency in picking
what they want.
Next, leading to some ofAshley's school assemblies and
speaking gigs A textbook answeron what we believe that the data
(28:06):
is no good unless you act andwhile having Ashley come in and
talk to your school just seemslike it would be an awfully
powerful thing for each schoolto do, given the impact, this
almost epidemic that we don'ttalk about.
So, ashley, I learned a lottoday in summary and can't thank
you enough for coming on theshow.
Eric Price (28:23):
Thank, you for having me.
Yeah, I as well.
I want to point our listenersto you've got your website at
ashleybendixingcom and your bookLanguage of Time, and that was
in 2020.
Is there anything that we weretalking about in here, ashley,
that you think our listenersneed to hear, and make a
shameless plug for your otherwork.
Erich Bolz (28:45):
This is a great time for that.
Ashley Bendiksen (28:47):
I will say this I just revised an ebook
that I wrote for parents.
It's 11 pages.
It is packed with information.
So I think, if there's anylisteners who also tend to have
teenagers of their own, soon tobe teenagers, I'm inspired at
the idea of a parent readingthis and just being informed
with this whole wealth ofknowledge and a topic that they
(29:09):
might not have thought about.
So that's on my website, but aquick link is ashleybendixoncom.
Forward slash parents and theycan snag it for free there.
So that's on my website, but aquick link is ashleybendixoncom.
Forward slash parents and theycan snag it for free there.
So really great resource that Iwould love more people to
access.
Eric Price (29:20):
And your other topic .
In your language of time bookit is Alzheimer's.
What's that?
Ashley Bendiksen (29:26):
It is, yeah, interesting story.
My mom developed Alzheimer's at48 and she passed from it at 56
.
At 48 and she passed from it at56.
Totally unexpected as far as weknow, not genetic on her side
of the family, so it wasdefinitely a plot twist in my
life and it marked an eight yearcycle of taking care of her.
I became a caregiver and, justlike I was a journaler in high
(29:50):
school when I was going throughtough times, I was also a
journaler then as a caregiver,and so I turned it into a memoir
and it's a very vulnerable but,I think, powerful and, as I've
always said, it's a read thatcreates solidarity for an issue
that often people feel reallyisolated and alone with.
So that's the story of mecaring for my mom until she
passed away.
Eric Price (30:09):
Well, again some similar themes there, ashley
relationships, isolation.
I think that absolutely carriesover into some of the other
topics.
Thank you so much for being onthe show.
Thank you for sharing yourwisdom.
I hope that our listeners willbe able to understand some of
these pieces that aren't reallyshowing up on their radar, but
we absolutely need to respond to.
(30:30):
So thank you again, ashley, forbeing on the show.
Erich Bolz (30:32):
Thank you and thanks to all of you for listening in
today.
You can find this episode andmore anywhere you listen to your
favorite podcasts or visit usonline at effectivenessorg.
Until next time.
This has been Outliers inEducation.
Ad VO (30:50):
If you'd like to find out how to gather the data you need
to help drive positive changein your school or district, take
a moment to visit CEE, theCenter for Educational
Effectiveness, ateffectivenessorg.
Better data, better decisions,better schools.
Outliers in Education is brought to you by CEE, the
Center for EducationalEffectiveness.
Better data, better decisions,better schools.
To find out more, visiteffectivenessorg.
Eric Price (00:21):
ACES - a good thing in poker, a bad thing in schools
.
That's because in education,ACES stands for Adverse
Childhood Experiences and,unfortunately, the youth of
today are being dealt more thantheir fair share.
On this episode of Outliers inEducation, we'll learn how one
activist is helping turn thoseaces into winning hands.
Ad VO (00:48):
I think we really need to change how we look at what we
do in schools.
Everything that we do aseducators, it just comes back to
people.
Ashley Bendiksen (00:53):
I love it, even when it's hard, especially
when it's hard.
Ad VO (00:56):
Ultimately, I mean, this is about what's best for kids.
Eric Price (01:02):
Hello everyone, I'm Eric Price here alongside my
co-host, mr Eric Bowles, fromthe Center for Educational
Effectiveness, and we'd like towelcome you back to another
episode of Outliers in Educationand Bowles.
Can you believe it?
We are doing episode number 40.
Erich Bolz (01:18):
I have a hard time believing it, ep.
I also would be remiss in notwishing you a happy 56th
birthday on the moment of ourrecording this podcast, which, I
would also point out, is a lotfurther away than 40 and just
causes me to pause and reflecton how many incredible guests
we've had on Outliers in thelast 40 episodes.
If you haven't caught any ofthat backlog, we highly
encourage you to do so.
Eric Price (01:39):
Well, today will be no different, as we have yet
another phenomenal guest on thedocket.
As a young woman, she surviveda gauntlet of aces, those
adverse childhood experiencesthat I mentioned at the top of
the show.
It was enough to derail her fora time, as it is for so many of
our young people.
She became a college dropoutand quickly found herself
homeless and penniless.
(02:00):
If you look in the dictionaryunder resilient, you might just
find her picture there, Becausetoday she's a vaunted national
speaker, an activist, an authorand an expert in abuse
prevention.
Erich Bolz (02:12):
She's the founder of the New Blue Hearts Project, a
global storytelling initiativedesigned to engage survivors of
violence and abuse worldwide.
She not only went back tocollege, she graduated as
valedictorian, became a youthcoach, was named Miss Rhode
Island in 2021.
Just thought I'd throw that in,as if the rest of the pedigree
wasn't impressive enough and nowdevotes herself full time to
(02:33):
teaching teens and parents howto handle the hard stuff, or
preferably, prevent italtogether.
Please welcome to the showAshley Bendiksen.
Ashley, thank you so much forbeing here today.
Ashley Bendiksen (02:44):
Thank you for having me, Erich and Eric, I'm
very honored to be here and havethis conversation.
Eric Price (02:50):
We are so happy that you're here and really just
kind of kick us off a little bit.
Ashley, You've been through aton to get to where you are
today.
Can you share a little bit ofyour story with us about how you
got here and maybe what thattipping point was when you were
able to shift away from reallysome of those deep struggles to
(03:13):
the thriving life that you havetoday?
Ashley Bendiksen (03:15):
Yeah, I think I'll try to keep it brief.
I grew up in a small town southcoast of Massachusetts
two-parent loving home smallcommunity of Massachusetts.
Two-parent loving home smallcommunity never really had any
issues as a child and in manyways I was probably very naive
to the challenges of the world.
And unfortunately, when Ibecame a teenager, that's when I
(03:42):
first experienced pretty severeadversity.
I was in my very first datingrelationship.
Unfortunately for me, I chosethe wrong person and they became
incredibly abusive verbally,emotionally, psychologically and
, unfortunately, sexuallyabusive.
And it was that relationshipthat really started the
beginning of what would mark asix-year cycle in my life of
(04:04):
really abusive datingrelationships, being assaulted
by other individuals over theyears, trying to navigate this
issue on my own andunfortunately turning to a lot
of unhealthy coping mechanisms,starting as an adolescent up
until my early 20s, and so, tomake a long story short, today
(04:25):
I'm a survivor of abuse, datingviolence, sexual assault.
I also experienced a lot ofbullying.
I also turned to things likesubstances and self-harm.
I was depressed, I was anxious.
I kind of just had this perfectstorm of all the issues that no
teenager should have to gothrough and it really kind of
came to an end.
(04:47):
When I was 20 years old, I wasin yet another abusive
relationship that did becomephysical.
I attempted to leave, and itwas a very difficult process.
I had to do so through thecourt system, and I just
remember having this momentwhere I kind of just had this
clarity come to me, where, youknow, I looked at everything I'd
(05:07):
thrown away.
You mentioned it in my intro.
I had dropped out of collegebecause of my relationship.
I was homeless for a while,penniless, and something just
clicked that I was never theproblem.
I had just let a lot of peoplechoose my life for me, run my
life for me, damage my life, andas I was rebuilding the pieces
(05:28):
and putting my life backtogether, I was learning a lot
about abuse.
And I think what really struckme is that all those years,
especially as a teenager, as ahigh school student, I truly
believed that my experience wasso unique that no one could
possibly understand this wasjust happening to me, and I
quickly learned just howprevalent this issue was and I
(05:51):
think I felt a sense of almostrighteous indignation about it.
I was angry because it feltlike an injustice.
It felt like something no onewas talking about, no one had
ever told me or warned me andsomething sparked and ever since
I've just been holding thistorch and trying to drive change
, raise awareness.
And that kind of started withme sharing my story and then
(06:11):
changed the trajectory of mycareer and now it's my expertise
.
Eric Price (06:15):
So yeah, that's kind of how this whole story came
about If I could go back alittle bit, Ashley, when you
started to think, oh my goodness, this is just me, right?
And now you've hadconversations with tons of other
people.
Have they had that similarperspective of isolation and
uniqueness?
Ashley Bendiksen (06:32):
Yes, the bulk of my work is as a speaker.
I do a lot of school assembliesand I hear this consistently,
Students coming up and saying Ithought this was just me.
I had no idea there was alanguage for this, a definition,
a term for what I'm goingthrough and I've always said it
is that sense of solidarity thatreally brings the most change.
(06:54):
Teens especially feel alone intheir challenges and to not feel
alone that plants that veryfirst seed where someone might
eventually ask for help andstart to change their situation.
So, yes, I do get thisexperience often.
Erich Bolz (07:09):
Well, ashley, at CEE , we're into the data, as you
know.
It causes me to sort of wonderabout some of the root causal
elements about this.
You know, one of the statisticsthat you provided us in the
primer, as we got to know youwas, this type of thing affects
up to one in three childrenacross the United States.
What are your thoughts around?
How did we get here and then,what are the critical steps we
(07:29):
need to take moving forward?
Ashley Bendiksen (07:32):
Yeah, the statistics are pretty startling.
I mean, we talk often aboutother issues impacting
adolescents.
For example, bullying impactsone in five statistically, so
one in three is a prettysignificant number and it's
concerning that we're nottalking about it enough.
And this is 33% of all students, not just female students, but
(07:52):
students of all genders, allgender identities, and where
this comes from it's a mixture.
For some students it's thatabuse is in the home, it's in
the family, there's concerningbehaviors that are now
translating into their firstrelationships.
For others, teens are young andthey're in those first
interpersonal relationships andthey just don't know anything
(08:14):
about healthy dating and redflags and like most of us I mean
, I think even as adults we canagree most of what we learn from
relationships is through trialand error, not through ongoing
conversations and coaching andclasses on what relationships
should look like.
So, sadly, most teenagers or,excuse me, a large number of
(08:34):
teenagers do experience abuse.
And when I say abuse I want tomake it abundantly clear.
We're not talking aboutphysical violence in these
relationships, but it's arelationship where one partner
is kind of emotionally, verbally, psychologically harmful.
They're controlling, they'remanipulative, and this has a
significant impact on a youngperson's mental health, on how
(08:57):
they perceive themselves, ontheir sense of self identity
agency autonomy, which is whyit's concerning identity agency
autonomy, which is why it'sconcerning so you know critical
steps.
You know mental health is beingtaught in schools right now.
It's great to see that there'ssuch an emphasis.
But a huge core component ofmental health is healthy
interpersonal relationships, andthat spans from your dating
(09:19):
partner to your best friend toyour peer groups and even family
dynamics.
So I think we need toprioritize healthy relationships
education within all of oursocial, emotional and mental
health learning, and that'scertainly what I try to do, in
the ability that I can, when Ivisit schools and I speak.
But I'd love to see even moreeffort to teach students what's
(09:42):
healthy, what are the red flagsand how to ask for help.
Erich Bolz (09:47):
So, ashley, you mentioned you do a lot of school
assemblies.
You're primarily a speaker.
You talked about kids who haveindicated gosh.
They thought they were isolated, sort of that one-off, and
through your process they'relearning.
I'm not alone, tragically.
I'm not even close to alone.
Do you have any stories, anyinteractions that you've had
(10:07):
with students that reallyresonate, where you can say, wow
, it was a powerful moment.
I think it made a differencefor me and for that child.
Ashley Bendiksen (10:15):
There are countless.
I mean, it is every assemblythat I deliver.
Maybe there's not a studentthat comes up afterwards in
person, but I go home toInstagram messages and emails.
I would say I'll share twobecause I think they really
paint a powerful picture of theimpact of a speaker and at least
the impact of what I do as aspeaker.
The first was a middle schoolstudent who, after hearing me
(10:38):
speak, ended up reporting anolder male who had sexually
assaulted her, and a few monthslater she was in therapy, she
was working with the districtattorney's office, he was being
prosecuted.
So that's huge.
The second one that really stoodout to me more recently was a
male student who came up andself-identified as thinking he
(10:59):
is abusive to his girlfriend andasking what resources exist for
him.
And that seems to happen moreoften.
You know I do a really good jobof not pointing fingers or
attacking.
You know, the whole point ofthe message is we all want to be
in healthy relationships, wewant to be healthy partners, we
want to feel good in our livesand secure in our relationships.
So I'll tell those kids too.
(11:21):
You know, if you think you dosome of these things, there's
also help for you.
This is the age where we can dothat.
So to me, that gives me a lotof hope.
Eric Price (11:29):
And he actually he had no idea that he was being an
abuser.
Ashley Bendiksen (11:32):
Correct.
Yeah, wow, yeah.
It's inspiring, it's hopeful,yeah.
Eric Price (11:38):
So, ashley, if we could give you the magic wand
and you could go into publiceducation to kind of help with
some of these things, what wouldyou like to see public
education be doing more so to behelping out our kiddos?
Ashley Bendiksen (11:51):
I think I could come up with a list, but I
think first and foremost, wereally need to understand and
this is not anything new to yourlisteners, but the impact of
life issues on individualachievement and academic success
.
I've mentioned a little bitabout the impact on student
mental health, but there's alsocountless research that shows
(12:13):
that these issues negativelyimpact a student's grades
performance in the classroom,whether they graduate on time.
These are big life issues wheresuddenly studying for a test
feels less important.
So one it's really getting thatmessage across that student
success is linked to teachingthese life skills.
I'd love to see it in ourhealth classrooms more than just
(12:36):
a one-day health lesson onhealthy relationships.
So having this consistentmessaging, ideally from
elementary school up throughhigh school.
You know we can start teachinghealthy friendships at a young
age.
So really seeing that on a moreconsistent basis, and I think
that there's ways that eventeachers can be more empowered
to step in.
You know I also offer staff PDbecause a big piece of my story
(13:01):
is that there was nointervention and I often have
had to wonder what if just oneor two concerned adults would
have noticed the red flags foundme support at age 14, this
might've changed my life.
So I think really making surethat staff PD also incorporates
skills to recognize at-riskstudents and know how to refer
(13:25):
them to guidance, refer them tosupport in a timely, simple,
effective way.
You know, sometimes teachersand schools are worried that now
they have to become socialworkers.
That is not the ask, it's justyou can recognize the red flags
and help that kid go get to aspecialist.
Eric Price (13:41):
We've got loads more to talk about with Ashley
Bendixon, so stick around for 60seconds and we'll be right back
right here on Outliers inEducation.
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Eric Price (14:56):
And we're back.
We've got nationally knownspeaker, author and activist,
ashley Bendixson here with ustoday and lots more to cover.
So let's dive right back in,ashley.
I am in a position where I'mteaching pre-service teachers.
Right, they're going to becometeachers and maybe, from some of
our perspectives as going to beteachers, we think, oh, this
(15:17):
should be happening in thefamily.
Right, these are some.
This should be happening in thefamily.
Right, these are some thingsthat should be taught in the
family, particularly the datingpieces.
And so what are we assumingthat maybe isn't happening?
If you're going to talk to apre-service teacher or a teacher
in there to say, hey, this iswhat you can assume is being
taught in the family, what wouldyou say about that?
Ashley Bendiksen (15:35):
I think I have two perspectives on that.
The first is that for some ofthese students, there is abuse
in the home.
You know, family violence is avery real issue, so they're
certainly not getting lessonsand guidance in that type of
environment connected of homes.
(16:00):
When kids are struggling, theydo a good job of hiding this.
My parents had no clue thatthey even needed to talk to me
about things like healthy dating, because they didn't even know
I was dating.
So you know, teens historicallydon't open up about these
issues.
It's awkward to talk to yourparents about this stuff, but I
think we need to normalize theseconversations and school is one
way to do it.
I think health class is one wayto do it.
(16:21):
If we're going to talk about,like I said, mental health,
mental wellness, you know howpeople affect us.
That's a big piece of it.
Eric Price (16:28):
So getting to that people piece you talk about like
relationships being a real coreto the health of our students.
What do these healthyrelationships really do for our
students in K-12?
What do these healthy?
Ashley Bendiksen (16:40):
relationships really do for our students in
K-12?
Well, I mean, I think at everyage of one's life cycle there's
different developmental tasks,and especially in that middle
school to high school phase,this is when young people are
developing their sense of self,their identity.
That is their soledevelopmental task, and we do
this in relationship to others.
For teens, uniquely, they'redoing that through expanded
(17:06):
independence right, they're outdoing things, having their
driver's license, all of thatPlus, they're doing it more
socially.
And so I think it's reallyimportant that you know that we
realize that healthyrelationships have the ability
to allow students to become whothey're supposed to be, to
thrive.
We want students to fulfilltheir greatest potential, to be
(17:26):
authentic and true to themselves, and they can't do that when
their friends are negativelyinfluencing their perception of
who they are.
So if they can develop healthyrelationships, do things like
establish boundaries with people, they can stay in their lane,
stay true to who they are, andthey will go on to thrive, not
just in the classroom and in ourschools, but throughout their
lives.
Erich Bolz (17:46):
So, ashley, I'm sitting here thinking about a
number of things and makingconnection to previous podcasts,
and we know that the SurgeonGeneral has identified you know,
used to be sitting now it'sloneliness is the new smoking.
As I'm thinking through, youknow what you've described.
It's really that sense ofisolation that creates this
opportunity for lack of a betterword for these dating violence
(18:10):
situations to manifestthemselves.
Isolation then in turn createsloneliness, and I've been trying
to make sense in my own mindaround what is so detrimental
about loneliness.
I mean, why is it, you know,why is a lifespan shortening
factor?
I'm starting to see some ofthose tangibles.
So making a huge connection toour friends at Only 7 Seconds,
luke Wall and Eric Dreesen, whoare on a show.
Their national mission is tocombat loneliness.
(18:30):
Can you talk about what thatcycle looks like and how it
perpetuates itself and give ustwo or three ideas around how
can we help kids break thatcycle of isolation and feel less
hopeless?
Ashley Bendiksen (18:42):
I think you hit on a few really important
points, you know, the firstbeing that loneliness or not
feeling like you belong can makea young person more vulnerable
to someone who shows up andseems like they are going to be
this stable pillar in their life, to be this stable pillar in
their life.
For dating relationships, oftenthe beginning is filled with
(19:02):
big words of affirmation andlove and affection and this
person makes a student feel likethey belong, they feel seen by
someone.
And when the relationshipbegins to change, if they tend
to be lonely or experience lifein isolation, now this person is
all they have.
Life in isolation, now thisperson is all they have.
So you know that's part of it.
(19:25):
You know it's interestingbecause I know loneliness is a
big conversation but at the sametime, many students kind of
feel like they need more alonetime.
You know a lot of them areconnected at all times through
social media, comparing what'severybody doing I need to make
sure that I'm keeping up with myfriends or what everybody's
showing online.
So I think what we could do ishave you know more conversations
(19:45):
around the value of aloneness,right, like getting to know
yourself, spending time withyourself.
You know we live in a reallytough world right now, and I
think this really comes down tothose core lessons that we hope
to teach, which is know who youare, develop self-care.
You know like yourself, buildthat sense of agency, autonomy
(20:06):
and identity, and hopefully thatcan combat some of this.
So, yeah, that's a tough one toanswer, but it definitely makes
some students more vulnerable,and I also think that we can
have conversations about thevalue in spending time alone too
.
Erich Bolz (20:20):
Have you had an experience with a staff member,
an administrator, a teacher,where you know your message
changed that school's practiceor that teacher's practice?
Ashley Bendiksen (20:28):
Yes, I've had many teachers who, individually,
have reached out over the yearsand said you know, I still
bring this topic up in myclassrooms.
Or, you know, every year westart off with this, or I
reference that, or I referencethat podcast that you were on
once.
You told us about it.
I have tons of resources on mywebsite, so it happens in
different ways.
(20:48):
It's interesting.
A lot of schools do focusgroups with their students and
they try to gauge what are thehot topic issues that students
want to learn more about andthis comes up pretty
consistently and it's usuallythat I become the starting point
.
For, you know, this came out ofthe focus groups, this came out
of the surveys.
Let's bring in a speaker andsuddenly every year now they're
doing, you know, a February teendating violence month or an
(21:11):
awareness week, or now they'redoing PSAs every year.
So, yes, you know my work goinginto schools is often a
supplement to existing effortsor it might inspire ongoing
yearly efforts once the schoolssee how important this issue is
to teens.
Eric Price (21:27):
I've got a personal question for you.
So a lot of my students I don'tthink they have a very good
perception about the world thatthey're entering into as
teachers.
Erich Bolz (21:38):
That's the understatement of the century.
Exactly yes.
Eric Price (21:41):
Yeah, so if you were going to give them some advice,
like you're going to help me,to help them, what would you say
?
Like to really get them to aunderstand the issue better and
then have them do helpful things, I think, really to move them
out of this feeling ofisolationism.
What, what would you coach meon, ashley, cause I need
(22:01):
coaching.
Ashley Bendiksen (22:03):
Yeah, I think honestly, a lot of this comes
from just fosteringrelationships and you know, that
can be something as simple asmaking sure you say hello to
each kid when they come in theclassroom, recognizing kids by
first name.
I mean, a lot of kids don'tidentify one adult that they
have a good relationship with,but if you do have that one
teacher, that's kind of alwayshey, ashley, so what'd you do
(22:23):
this weekend?
Or, oh, do you have any pets athome?
Like getting kids just to talkabout things that they like, you
know that makes a bigdifference.
You know, and I think, justrepeating in the classroom, if
anyone ever needs anything, I'mhere as a resource, you know,
constantly mentioning thatbetween building a good
relationship and reaffirmingthat you are a support.
Hopefully kids do then one daysay hey, you know, ms Bendixson,
(22:46):
can I talk to you?
Or you know, I think I want totalk to someone else.
So I think that's important andyou know, I think the other
piece too is just, you know,really recognizing the impactful
role that teachers can play.
It's like Eric mentioned at theend for many students, school
is the only safe place.
A teacher might be the only safeadult.
And I think just recognizing,like the subtlest little red
(23:09):
flags, that hunch that maybe akid needs a little help, that's
all you need to do.
And then go tell a socialworker at the school, go tell a
guidance counselor to check inwith a student.
So you know very little thingsthat can make a big impact in
the life of a kid who has no oneelse.
Eric Price (23:25):
And do you see any time when, as a mandatory
reporter, that that's animpediment to that, that there,
that gets a little clunky.
Ashley Bendiksen (23:34):
Yeah, it's challenging because I think, you
know we want to help kids thatare in trouble.
But you know, mandated reportingcan cause a lot more issues for
a child too, and it's one ofthe reasons a lot of kids don't
talk to teachers.
So, you know, I think one issueinforming kids of the process of
like here are people at schoolthat are, you know, are
(23:54):
confidential here's, here arethe things you can talk about
versus the things you can't,where we're required, most kids
have no idea who they can talkto or what they can say.
You know, I always tellteachers if a student starts to
open up, it's okay to say, hey,I'm just going to stop you right
there, just so you know.
If you say A, b or C, I'm amandated reporter, but you know
(24:15):
if there's another way you canask me for advice, or you know
if something's impacting someone.
You know, I think kids justgetting help is the most
important thing.
So we just have to comesometimes stop them.
You know, a big part of this,like I said, is building trust,
and if a kid trusts you and thenyou go report, you've just
ruined that trust and they don'tget it.
(24:35):
So I think it's just beingreally direct about what that
looks like.
Eric Price (24:40):
Awesome, Ashley, my goodness, there are so many
things here that I think that wereally need to be reflective of
as educators, and there arethings that we aren't trained on
right, Like these are notthings that we have curricula
that are pointing towards, butand yet I think there are some
of the hugest needs for for ourkiddos.
(25:01):
So I I am so appreciative ofyou being in this space and
having these conversations withthese kiddos, and, and and I
think that the second piece isreally helping us as leaders how
do we help other kiddos outwith some of these things that
they're in isolation when wedon't know?
So this is that part of theshow when we tap Bolzy and we
(25:25):
say, hey, Bolzy, what do you gotfor a wrap up here?
So we had some Dr Phil's foryou here, Bolzy, what do you got
?
Erich Bolz (25:32):
Well, thank you for setting me up for success EP.
I have, as usual, a page fullof notes.
Really, starting with the top,ashley's origin story is
inspiring overcoming a six-yearcycle of dating abuse in the
teens up until age 20.
I think about myself at age 20.
I'm not sure I had the agencyto overcome much of anything at
all, much of anything at all.
(25:55):
So to go on that journey tosome extent alone and come
through and out the other sideand be making this type of
impact for our kids across thecountry is impressive and a
testimony to obviously a deepwellspring and spirit that
Ashley possesses.
She gained clarity by lookingat everything she'd thrown away
and wanting to strive for that,so certainly moved by the
message, turning negatives intopositives.
We are the sum total of ourstory and those of us who have
(26:15):
had negative mentoringexperiences in our lifetime
oftentimes use those astouchstones to make the most
change.
So resonated on that level.
We talk about bullying.
Bullying is a huge emphasis inpublic schools, codified in law.
Here in Washington State itimpacts one in five kids, but we
almost have no conversationaround dating violence.
That impacts one in three.
That was a huge, huge learningfor me and I wonder why.
(26:39):
I wonder if it isn't just theuncomfortable nature of the
topic that causes other thingsto be more easily focused upon.
Healthy interpersonalrelationships are a huge
component of mental health.
We see that in our own survey,work with students for sure,
again and again and again withalmost all of our guests that
speak here on the mental healthand SEL side.
Traumatized students can'tlearn and we know from our
(27:02):
outlier study that familyatmosphere that we see in those
schools might create theopportunity I think in Ashley's
words for a needed intervention.
When there is abuse at the home, kids may not have any place,
but school to turn to Isolationseems to be a factor.
And like I connected, the homekids may not have any place, but
school to turn to Isolationseems to be a factor.
And like I connected thepodcast, isolation can lead to
loneliness and we know thatloneliness now has detrimental
(27:22):
impacts.
Isolation is the controllingstrategy in a relationship.
Perhaps one way through it andsomething else we measure is a
group of strong, supportivefriends can be an antidote to
that isolating personality.
Student agency she talked a lotabout student agency and again,
something I resonate with.
What I liked at the end wasreally sort of that organic
sense.
I think Ashley's answer was atextbook answer and how you
(27:44):
really ought to use REES studentdata.
At CEE we talk about surveysand then pulling those key
pieces of data out and havingstudent focus groups, letting
students have some agency in notletting but in ensuring
creating an environment wherestudents have agency in picking
what they want.
Next, leading to some ofAshley's school assemblies and
speaking gigs A textbook answeron what we believe that the data
(28:06):
is no good unless you act andwhile having Ashley come in and
talk to your school just seemslike it would be an awfully
powerful thing for each schoolto do, given the impact, this
almost epidemic that we don'ttalk about.
So, ashley, I learned a lottoday in summary and can't thank
you enough for coming on theshow.
Eric Price (28:23):
Thank, you for having me.
Yeah, I as well.
I want to point our listenersto you've got your website at
ashleybendixingcom and your bookLanguage of Time, and that was
in 2020.
Is there anything that we weretalking about in here, ashley,
that you think our listenersneed to hear, and make a
shameless plug for your otherwork.
Erich Bolz (28:45):
This is a great time for that.
Ashley Bendiksen (28:47):
I will say this I just revised an ebook
that I wrote for parents.
It's 11 pages.
It is packed with information.
So I think, if there's anylisteners who also tend to have
teenagers of their own, soon tobe teenagers, I'm inspired at
the idea of a parent readingthis and just being informed
with this whole wealth ofknowledge and a topic that they
(29:09):
might not have thought about.
So that's on my website, but aquick link is ashleybendixoncom.
Forward slash parents and theycan snag it for free there.
So that's on my website, but aquick link is ashleybendixoncom.
Forward slash parents and theycan snag it for free there.
So really great resource that Iwould love more people to
access.
Eric Price (29:20):
And your other topic .
In your language of time bookit is Alzheimer's.
What's that?
Ashley Bendiksen (29:26):
It is, yeah, interesting story.
My mom developed Alzheimer's at48 and she passed from it at 56
.
At 48 and she passed from it at56.
Totally unexpected as far as weknow, not genetic on her side
of the family, so it wasdefinitely a plot twist in my
life and it marked an eight yearcycle of taking care of her.
I became a caregiver and, justlike I was a journaler in high
(29:50):
school when I was going throughtough times, I was also a
journaler then as a caregiver,and so I turned it into a memoir
and it's a very vulnerable but,I think, powerful and, as I've
always said, it's a read thatcreates solidarity for an issue
that often people feel reallyisolated and alone with.
So that's the story of mecaring for my mom until she
passed away.
Eric Price (30:09):
Well, again some similar themes there, ashley
relationships, isolation.
I think that absolutely carriesover into some of the other
topics.
Thank you so much for being onthe show.
Thank you for sharing yourwisdom.
I hope that our listeners willbe able to understand some of
these pieces that aren't reallyshowing up on their radar, but
we absolutely need to respond to.
(30:30):
So thank you again, ashley, forbeing on the show.
Erich Bolz (30:32):
Thank you and thanks to all of you for listening in
today.
You can find this episode andmore anywhere you listen to your
favorite podcasts or visit usonline at effectivenessorg.
Until next time.
This has been Outliers inEducation.
Ad VO (30:50):
If you'd like to find out how to gather the data you need
to help drive positive changein your school or district, take
a moment to visit CEE, theCenter for Educational
Effectiveness, ateffectivenessorg.
Better data, better decisions,better schools.
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