Are you dreading the family gatherings for the holiday season?
Do you get anxious when thinking about being around certain people or certain situations?
What if the walls you've built to protect yourself are the very barriers keeping you from healing?
Join me as we unpack the emotional complexities of using isolation as a defense mechanism against life’s hurtful blows. We uncover how these self-imposed fortresses can trap unresolved feelings like shame and guilt, and highlight the importance of replacing them with healthy boundaries. Discover the transformative power of self-acceptance and self-empowerment, and learn actionable steps to overcome the limitations set by past traumas. This episode promises insights into fostering personal growth by setting boundaries that nurture self-respect and balance in all your relationships.
Creating meaningful connections while maintaining autonomy is a delicate dance. Tune in to explore the importance of setting clear and assertive boundaries that honor both your needs and those of others. We discuss practical ways to identify and communicate personal limits with love and clarity, steering away from anger or shame. Whether navigating complex family dynamics or fostering professional relationships, establishing these boundaries promotes personal growth and encourages those around you to adopt healthier behaviors. Embrace the journey of self-reflection and self-awareness, and build a supportive environment that can inspire change in both you and your loved ones.
“You are not alone, and you are enough. When times get tough, pray, listen and follow through. God loves you and trust me when I say he is not your trauma.” ~Krystal Jae
“Believe in all that you are and know that you have this inner power that is greater than any obstacle.” ~Krystal Jae
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
someone makes you feel uncomfortable, what do you
do?
Have you been hurt so much thatyou don't let people in?
You see, many have decided tostay away and isolate themselves
from other people, from theworld from outside, and
sometimes, when they'reisolating, you may be isolating
(00:20):
by yourself, you may beisolating with your immediate
family, but you've turned offthe outside network of people
that you could have.
That you have had because ofthe pain that's inside is so
overwhelming and, honestly, youjust don't know what to do with
(00:41):
it.
You just know that you nolonger want to feel that pain
and you know it's not fair tofeel that pain.
And so you've isolated.
You've built this wall to whereno one can come in and, at the
same time, you've trappedyourself inside with all the
(01:01):
pain, maybe even shame, maybeeven guilt, maybe embarrassment
that you have been feeling.
You've built this wall toprotect yourself from others,
but you've trapped yourselfinside.
The pain's not gone.
You may feel better, but it'sreally just buried deep inside
(01:23):
you and it will still come out.
That's what living with a wallis, and so now it's time for you
to stop living with walls andestablish boundary lines.
Are you ready?
Are you really living with awall instead of a boundary?
(01:43):
And are you ready to saygoodbye to those walls and say
yes to healthy boundaries?
Because that wall is blockingyour view, your true growth, and
is keeping the pain inside.
It's time to set them free.
(02:04):
This is your time to say yes toyourself.
This is your time to startelevating your life and receive
the guidance that you've beenwishing for, because, guess what
?
I'm right here.
I am the empowerment goddess.
I am your who am I?
(02:25):
Expert in somatic,trauma-informed life coach.
So it's time for you to go towwwcrystaljcom.
Forward slash Black Fridaypre-sale and get that 40% off
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(02:45):
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opportunity to jump into thesix-month all-in exclusive who
Am I program that helps you toovercome the limitations of
(03:09):
trauma, that helps you discoverwho you are, that helps you
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help you take action and reachthe level of life that you've
been dreaming of.
(03:30):
It's your time to say yes toyourself and claim that better
career, the better relationshipsin your life, the better
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yours, and all you have to do isgo again to wwwcrystaljcom
(03:53):
forward slash Black Friday Pre-Sale, receive your code and
then you can use that 40% off toreceive coaching services at
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That is mind blowing.
It's never been at this price.
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(04:16):
ready to take action, jump intothe six month who Am I program.
In my program, this is goingfrom $2,227 all the way down to
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So take action today.
It's never been at this priceand these are the only times in
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Go to wwwcrystaljcom forwardslash Black Friday pre-sale.
That is wwwcrystalj com forwardslash Black Friday Pre-Sale.
(05:06):
Receive this gift of this 40%off code and then take action by
going to the book online andchoosing either the one-on-one
coaching sessions or the who atSix Month who Am I program.
That's all inclusive.
That helps you overcome thelimitations of trauma.
(05:26):
You get to gain many, many,many coping skills, mechanisms
and techniques that you willhave for life, because once you
learn it, it's yours.
Can't.
No one take that from you?
You will find who you are,embrace who you are and begin
living who you are, whileclaiming a better career, a
(05:49):
better personal life and abetter social life.
So take action today.
I am ready to start workingwith you and I'm excited to see
you in our sessions.
This is for you, hey, hey,welcome.
To Overcome Suffering in Silence, it's time for you to stop
(06:10):
people pleasing and create yourbetter life.
I am Crystal J, the empowermentgoddess and your somatic,
trauma-informed life coach.
This season has already startedin a way I couldn't even
imagine.
Now, are you ready for somerealness, raw healing and a
glimpse into what it feels liketo walk in peace, clarity and
(06:32):
purpose, while truly knowing whoyou are?
If your answer is yes, thenyou've come to the right place.
For the past two decades, I'vebeen blessed to share my journey
with countless women and a fewmen, empowering them to overcome
the lingering shadows ofphysical, emotional,
psychological and sexual abuse.
(06:52):
Together, we confront thelimitations that hold us back,
like self-doubt, guilt, fear,shame and that pervasive sense
of unworthiness.
Dig deep to uncover the root ofthese feelings.
Break free from the inner painof suffering and silence.
Find faith, grow in that faithand embrace the life that is
(07:13):
meant for you.
Enjoy the real stories andpractical advice, life-enhancing
skills and spiritual wisdom toguide you from pain to purpose,
self-doubt to confidence andconfusion to clarity.
So let's leave the struggle busbehind and embark on this
journey to discover the freedom,beauty and strength that lies
(07:37):
within you.
Remember you are not alone andyou are enough.
When times get tough, pray,listen and follow through,
because God loves you, and trustme when I say he is not your
trauma.
Welcome to Overcome Suffering inSilence with Crystal J.
(07:57):
And so today, on OvercomeSuffering in Silence, we are
going to be talking abouttechniques for setting and
maintaining boundaries, andwe're going to talk about how
setting and maintaining healthyboundaries is essential in
nurturing self-respect andcreating balanced relationships.
It's about establishingboundaries so that you can move
(08:22):
forward in your healing journey,because boundaries is what's
going to help you, not walls.
Now, to establish boundaries,you first need to understand
what your limits are, what yourvisions are, what are your
values.
Who causes what reaction andwhat reaction does it cause, and
(08:43):
where does that reaction comefrom, causes what reaction and
what reaction does it cause andwhere does that reaction come
from.
So, when you know what boundaryto place, the who, the what,
the why, what are therepercussions of someone
crossing that boundary line?
It's all about boundaries today, so I want you to reflect on
(09:05):
what you can tolerate and accept, as well as what makes you feel
uncomfortable or stressed.
We're going to talk aboutclearly communicating these
limits to others, yourboundaries to others.
We're going to talk about howto communicate that with other
people.
Okay, okay, and how it should bedone in a calm and assertive
(09:31):
way, but not apologetic, becauseyou're not apologizing for
having boundaries, becausehaving the boundaries is a good
thing, and so you're notapologizing for having
boundaries, but you're askingthem to respect them, and
sometimes it's going to take afew reminders.
It's just like someone learningto ride a bike for the first
time.
Or you started a new job and,even though you've done the role
before at a previous employer,this one might have new rules,
(09:53):
and so you got to find out whatthose rules are.
This is the same thing whenyou're learning boundaries, you
are teaching someone somethingnew to them and, honestly, if
you are just now learning to setboundaries or going deeper in
setting your boundaries.
This is new for you, so you gotto learn what those boundaries
are, what the repercussions are.
(10:13):
Is there somewhere where youcan?
Maybe you have a boundary spaceto where you can compromise on
a boundary right?
Because boundaries you're goingto have them with the people
you know you're going to havethem with coworkers.
You're going to have them withthe people you know you're going
to have them with coworkers.
You're going to have them withyour spouse, with your children,
with your siblings, with yourparents, with everyone.
Okay Now, one of the main keysto maintaining the boundaries
(10:36):
that you're setting is clearcommunication and consistency.
It's about standing firm, evenif others test and push against
your boundary lines, andremember it's okay to say no
without feeling guilty, becausethis is your boundary and no one
can tell you where yourboundary line is, and that is
(10:59):
why it's really important foryou to understand what your
boundary line is and making surethat you're coming out of a
place of calmness and claritywhen you are establishing these
boundaries, instead of comingout of a place of confusion,
pain, shame, guilt and anger.
It's also important to knowthat you may have boundaries and
others may have boundaries, andit's about respecting each
(11:23):
other's boundaries.
And boundaries aren't just foryou to say no, just for you to
push people away.
They're about creating a safespace, a healthy space, a
community of space that ishealthy and allows for an
empowered life.
Setting boundaries are as hugeas it can break toxic cycles.
(11:46):
It can break generational badhabits.
It can break not being able tocommunicate.
It can break the feeling of notfeeling worthy.
It can break the feeling of notfeeling understood because you
are communicating what yourboundaries are and how things
are making you feel.
That is why this is vital foryou and why I love to share this
(12:08):
all the time, especially aroundthe holidays, when people and
families are getting together,because sometimes we don't have
the best relationships, the bestways to communicate.
But guess what?
You may be that one person thatgoes, that comes in the room,
that shows up with a big smileand happy and peaceful and
(12:31):
calming.
And you may be that one personthat this year, you are
communicating what yourboundaries are to, where people
can start learning to acceptthem and respect them, and when
people are learning to acceptthem and respect them, and when
people are learning to acceptthem and respect them.
Then guess what?
You have others who arewitnessing it and they're
(12:54):
witnessing this change.
Be the change, be thetransformation for yourself.
But guess what?
When you're transforming forthe better for yourself, those
around you also see that changeand sometimes picks up on those
behaviors.
So be the example.
Now this is the perfect time toshare this episode with, let's
(13:20):
say, two family members that youknow that you will probably see
this week or that you'remissing.
Share this episode because wecan all learn something about
setting boundaries Right.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries can be physical,psychological and emotional.
Ok, healthy boundaries help youto decide what is acceptable
behavior and what is not, andwhen it is needed to protect
(13:43):
yourself from harm.
Because we all know that ourbody has this automatic alarm
right Of protection the fightflight, freeze.
Right.
Our autonomic nervous system,which includes the empathetic
(14:19):
nervous system.
Right the fight flight freezeresponse.
Right.
That is our body's alarm.
Setting boundaries helps toprevent manipulation, control
and unresolved communicationissues.
They also help with maintaininghealthy relationships and
helping to keep your mentalhealth in check.
It is sometimes difficultstarting out with setting clear
boundaries with others.
Okay, and that's whyrelationships and helping to
keep your mental health in check.
It is sometimes difficult,starting out with setting clear
(14:40):
boundaries with others.
Okay, and that's why we'regoing through this.
And it's especially difficultif you don't know how, if you
don't practice it, if you don'tstay consistent with it, or if
you don't have a role model thatsets healthy boundaries.
And so if you don't have thatrole model that sets healthy
boundaries, and so if you don'thave that role model, you're
(15:01):
going to be that role model.
However, it is vital for you,in your personal safety, to
learn how to assert yourself andbe clear.
Okay, because you use yourboundaries in all areas of your
life, because most aggressors,they do look for easy targets.
(15:27):
So I want you to give yourselfpermission to use your voice and
acknowledge what you see andaddress the behavior as they
come.
Yes, sometimes you will need toprocess it, and please do, but
make sure you come around andlet the other person know hey, I
didn't appreciate blah blah,blah, blah blah.
It made me feel blah blah, blah, blah, blah, and I would
(15:48):
appreciate that, instead of youdoing blah blah, blah, blah,
blah, that maybe you can dosomething like blah blah, blah,
blah, blah.
Right, so you're going to sharethat and you're going to use
that healthy communication.
Okay, what boundary does isthat it helps you to respect
your time and it respects theother person time because you
(16:08):
can have the clarity on therelationships and how to embrace
each other.
Okay, when it comes to yourmental health, when you have set
boundaries, it's about havingyour own thoughts, knowing your
purpose, knowing your values,your vision and having your own
opinions, because, guess what?
You can have your own opinions.
(16:30):
Your values can be differentfrom those of your family or end
of your friends.
A part of having boundaries ismaking sure that you're taking
mental breaks when needed,making sure that you're seeking
professional help when needed.
You know, professional help maybe a psychiatrist, may be a
therapist, it may be me as yourcoach, but make sure you're
seeking professional help whenyou need it, right.
One thing that I love to do,especially before the holidays,
(16:52):
are big things.
I love to do a check-in sessionwith my therapist and go
through with her and then, afterI meet with her, make sure
everything's good.
I come out with, I come out andI move on, because I've had
that check-in and so it's okaywith you to have that check-in
moments, right, there's certainthings that, like I'll check in
with my coach.
You know the things that I telly'all I also practice myself
(17:15):
have boundaries when it comes toyour communication and to your
conversations.
So you want to let people knowwhat conversations that you are
willing to have and those thatyou're willing to not have.
And you need to also let peopleknow what topics are off limits.
You know if they rank off thetopic and it's off limits.
Instead of storming off, beingmad or angry or upset or
shutting down, just let themknow hey, that is a topic that
I'm not willing to discuss.
I am more than willing to stillhave conversations with you,
(17:37):
but maybe we can go off thistopic.
Let them know.
And then I want you to also berespectful of others the
conversations they are willingto have, the topics that they
are willing to discuss, becausethis is a two-way street.
It's not a one-way street whereyou can have all the boundaries
in the world yet you don'trespect anybody else's.
Because we know that sometopics that you may have can be
(17:59):
triggering and I want you to letpeople know that these
conversations are triggering toyou and then maybe if it's
another way that they cancommunicate about that topic or
if they need to leave that topicalone altogether.
Let them know that.
But when you do, make sure thatyou're watching the words, that
you're using, the tone of voicethat you're using and even your
body language.
Okay, you're using the tone ofvoice that you're using and even
your body language Okay.
(18:19):
When it comes to physical, whenit comes to your physical self
right, I want you to alwaysremember that no is no.
It doesn't matter who or whothe person is Okay, it doesn't
matter what y'all have done inthe past.
No is no, okay, but make sureyou voice that and you say that.
Also, allow people to letpeople know what touches are OK
(18:40):
and what touches aren't OK.
You know some people arehuggers, some aren't.
Some people are willing to givehugs to certain people and hugs
not to others, and that is OK.
Be clear and communicate when weset healthy boundaries.
It allows us to have freedom,establish respect and to protect
ourselves.
Have freedom, establish respectand to protect ourselves.
(19:00):
It allows us to respect others,set guidelines and expectations
, promote healthierrelationships.
It gives you an opportunity tolearn self-awareness, to not be
taken advantage of.
It helps reduce stress andanxiety.
Those are huge that setting.
Having boundaries especially ifthey're healthy boundaries it
helps reduce stress and anxiety.
(19:21):
Who has moments of anxiety whenthey're going somewhere?
They're going to a place andthey know someone is overbearing
, or they know that someone isusually having a conversation
that they don't want to have orwhatever else right, or being
treated a certain way orwhatever else, and you'd be
anxious because you're like, ohmy gosh, I'm about to go to this
place, but I got a question foryou.
When was the last time that youtold that person, hey, when you
(19:45):
do this, this is how it makesme feel and I really appreciate
it.
If you don't do that around me,right, we can ask.
All of this allows you to createmeaningful relationships with
other people, whether it's yourpartner, your spouse, your
siblings, a coworker, a strangeron the street right, a business
(20:06):
partner.
It helps create a balance foryour needs and the needs of
others, and what I really loveabout setting boundaries is it
helps us heal unresolved issuesand the results or the
limitations of past traumas.
We can use healthy boundariesto break the bad habits of
(20:27):
generational trauma as well asbreak toxic tendencies.
Isn't that great?
So how do you feel aboutsetting clear boundaries with
others.
Are you ready to know how youcan do that?
One is by starting your work onthe inside.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Self-reflection, self-awarenessright, because you need to know
(20:50):
where it comes from.
What boundaries do you need toset in place anyway?
What's the who, the what, thewhy?
You got to know these things?
You find those things out bylooking at yourself and being
honest with yourself about whatboundaries need to be set, what
those repercussions are.
You want to do that from aplace of love, clarity and
understanding and not out of aplace of anger, pain, shame,
(21:12):
guilt or embarrassment.
The peace, love and clarity andunderstanding is what's going
to help you to create thosehealthy boundaries.
And all of that comes with youstarting to work within yourself
Because, yes, these things havehappened to you, yes, you are
living in pain, but, yes, youcan begin your healing journey
(21:36):
and you can set these healthyboundaries instead of walls to
help you move forward, toelevate yourself, and to help
not only you but, if you havesmall children or bigger
children, to help your children,to help your partner or your
spouse, to help your siblings,your mothers, your cousins,
whoever your father, whoeveryour cousins, whoever your
(22:03):
father, whoever Along thisjourney of you setting
boundaries and clarity, becauseguess what?
Sometimes people do not realizethat the actions that they take,
the way that they communicate,are actually harmful, because if
you don't say nothing, how dothey know?
How many times have you beentold something?
It's like oh, I didn't knowthat.
That can be the same thing forthe way that people treat us or
act or the conversations thatthey have, because different
(22:24):
ones have different limits onwhere they're willing to go and
how they're willing tocommunicate.
Right, you may be living withone friend who is just, will
share all the details, andsometimes it's like, oh my gosh,
that was TMI.
But then there's another onewho's like don't really share
anything, right or any.
Is either one of them wrong, no, it's just what they're
comfortable with, right, and soit's about sharing that and
(22:47):
talking about, like, what isacceptable and what is not
acceptable.
You know, same thing when itcomes to the way that people
communicate Some people talkwith their hands, some people
don't.
Some people talk with theirhands, some people don't.
Some people talk with a lot ofpassion and some people don't,
right.
But depending on how you wereraised or the environment you
was raised in, things that arenormal for you may not be normal
(23:08):
for others.
So how are we supposed to knowthe best ways to communicate or
when we're crossing lines if wedon't let them know?
And the best way to do that isto do the work within, so that
way you even know why you'rehaving these reactions.
Have you ever been aroundsomeone and, for some reason,
you're like your body's on highalert and you're anxious and
you're like dang?
I don't even know why I'mfeeling this way.
(23:28):
Well, it's time to take a stepback and figure out why are you
feeling that way?
And then communicate, set ahealthy boundary, and when
you're stating your boundaries,I want you to state your
boundaries in a direct, clearmanner.
I want you to use positiveterms rather than talking about
what you don't want from them.
Right?
I want you to avoid usingcriticism or blaming the other
(23:51):
person when communicating yourboundary, that you're setting or
that you have set.
Okay, I want you to give theother person a chance to respond
, ask questions so they can gainclarity and reflect back on
what you have said.
That's a part of healthycommunication.
I want you to acknowledge thefeelings of the other person.
Even if you disagree with thatperson, you can still
(24:12):
acknowledge their feelings,right?
I want you to be consistentwith your boundaries.
Not one day something be okay,the next day it's not okay.
We're not doing that.
This is the boundary, okay?
Um, be willing to listen toothers and to discuss the
situation further if needed.
(24:32):
Right?
It may be that, instead of youknow, maybe that person may be
like look, I'm really bad atremembering things.
This is a habit for me, so Iwould really love if you give me
a little bit to get used to it.
And when I do cross it, can youplease just remind me, right,
that's something that iscompromising and that you should
be willing to work with right,especially if the person is
(24:52):
willing to accept the boundaryand they're just saying, hey, my
memory sucks and this is ahabit.
Can you help me?
Right?
Are you willing to do that foryour person in order to
establish a healthy relationshipwhere you have less anxiety or
less anxiousness or less angeror less feelings of unworthiness
?
Wouldn't that be worth it?
(25:14):
When it comes to settingboundaries, one of the examples
of a boundary that can be set isyou have someone who comes in
and they are always negative andthey're talking down all the
time and you don't want to bearound negativity, you don't
want to be around someone that'stalking down all the time,
right, but y'all have a mutualgroup that you all be with,
right?
What you can do is pull theperson to the side and be like,
(25:37):
hey, you know, I noticed that alot of the times that when you
are conversating or you'retalking, you say a lot of
negative things, negative things, like, and give them examples
of the negative things thatthey've said.
You say those negative things.
It kind of puts negative energyout in the atmosphere and I
(25:58):
really love to be aroundpositive things and I really
love, I really enjoy beingaround you.
But can we add some positivityin that?
You know, one thing that I dowhen I speak negative is when I
say something negative, I backthat up with a positive.
You know, would you be willingto try that, like, give them the
example of what?
(26:18):
Because some people might notrealize they're saying, hey, I'm
always saying somethingnegative.
You know, bring that up to them.
It may be when one's talkingand they're trying to bring a
point across and maybe they'd befull of passion, and it makes
their voice seem like they'rebeing very rude or making them
seem like they are yelling.
You can sit there and be like,hey, can you bring it down a
little bit?
You're getting a little loud.
(26:38):
I would love to hear what youhave to say, but when you speak
louder, with so much force, mymind kind of goes out to another
direction, because it thenseems like you're speaking at me
in a negative tone.
But if you're willing to bringit down a little bit, I can
really process and listen andunderstand to what you're saying
, right?
(26:59):
That's another example.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, you may be someone who isco-parenting, right, and you're
trying to find the best way toco-parent your child, and it's
about also communicating withthat other person.
And even if that other personis maybe coming at you in a
(27:20):
strong, not respecting you tone,then let them know.
Hey, I'm willing to have thisconversation with you, but I
need you to bring it down,because when you're speaking to
me like that, I'm not payingattention to anything that
you're saying and it's not thebest thing for our child.
And I really want to make surethat we're the best parents that
we can be for our child, and soI really want to communicate
(27:42):
and have a better a healthyrelationship with you, but while
it seems like you're attackingme, I can't have conversations
with you.
So if you're going to only talkto me in a way that you're
attacking me, then it's best forus to not even have long
conversations, you know?
Or if you have, you know aperson that could be a healthy
(28:04):
medium to where that person doesthe communication for y'all.
Then maybe y'all can talk aboutthat person going in.
You can do mediation.
It's all these different things.
And yes, I understand whenwe're talking about setting
healthy boundaries with peoplewho are toxic or have toxic
behaviors, because sometimeslet's get it correct Sometimes
the people themselves are nottoxic, they just have toxic, bad
behaviors, and guess what thatcan be?
(28:25):
Those can change.
And when we are settingboundaries and letting people
know, it's also making themaware of the actions that they
are taking, which will hopefullythey will go through the work
of being like man.
What is it about me?
What is it that I'm doing?
Why am I talking that way tothis person?
I'm really not getting anywhereby talking to her or him that
(28:45):
way, right?
So don't give up when it comesto setting boundaries, okay.
So, overall, I want you tothink about your life, your
situations and the life you wantto live, the things that you
are accepting, things you wantaccepted, things that you will
not or that you will accept inthe future.
Okay, I want you to make surethat you are setting what the
(29:07):
boundaries are, who they are for, um, and that you are coming up
with repercussions of comingwith the boundary now.
I want you to be like oh well,this is my boundary and you
cross it one time, then screwyou and and go to heck and all
that other kind of stuff.
We're not talking about that.
You know, people are a lot oftimes, people are going to need
the reminders, are there goingto be people who's going to push
it and it's going to be like oh, I forgot.
You know, daniel, they didn'tforget.
(29:28):
Yes, but that's where you havethe repercussions in place and
if you truly done the work onthe inside, you know what um
repercussions to put in place,when to enforce them and
everything else and to whatlevel.
Okay, trust yourself in this,but in order to yourself, you
need to be working on being yourbest self, which is looking
(29:49):
within yourself and being honestwith yourself about all the
things as well.
Ok.
So that means that when settinghealthy boundaries, you're
doing some inner work, you'regaining clarity, you're knowing
what the boundary is, who, whatand when it shall be
communicated with right, whatthe repercussions are when the
line is crossed, how you willcommunicate it.
You're going to be patient.
(30:10):
You want to use healthycommunication, paying attention
to your words, your tone andyour body language, and even
your inner thoughts while you'recommunicating.
I am Crystal J, the EmpowermentGoddess, and you're who Am I
Expert?
I'm a certified somatic,trauma-informed coach and thank
you for tuning in and allowingme to empower you to discover
(30:30):
who you are, free from thelimitations that trauma left
behind.
I will equip you with skills,techniques and guidance that
will help you overcome thelimitations of past traumas,
discover your authentic self andelevate your career, personal
and social life.
This has been a knowledgeableepisode on setting boundaries,
(30:54):
congratulations.
Enjoy your week and remembersetting boundaries is a great
way to begin the transformationwave for yourself and those
around you.
Leave a review and might aswell, while you're doing it,
share this episode with yourfamily, group chat or the first
person that you think of.
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You are not alone.
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It's time to take action.
someone makes you feel uncomfortable, what do you
do?
Have you been hurt so much thatyou don't let people in?
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(00:20):
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(00:41):
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(01:01):
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(01:23):
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To Overcome Suffering in Silence, it's time for you to stop
(06:10):
people pleasing and create yourbetter life.
I am Crystal J, the empowermentgoddess and your somatic,
trauma-informed life coach.
This season has already startedin a way I couldn't even
imagine.
Now, are you ready for somerealness, raw healing and a
glimpse into what it feels liketo walk in peace, clarity and
(06:32):
purpose, while truly knowing whoyou are?
If your answer is yes, thenyou've come to the right place.
For the past two decades, I'vebeen blessed to share my journey
with countless women and a fewmen, empowering them to overcome
the lingering shadows ofphysical, emotional,
psychological and sexual abuse.
(06:52):
Together, we confront thelimitations that hold us back,
like self-doubt, guilt, fear,shame and that pervasive sense
of unworthiness.
Dig deep to uncover the root ofthese feelings.
Break free from the inner painof suffering and silence.
Find faith, grow in that faithand embrace the life that is
(07:13):
meant for you.
Enjoy the real stories andpractical advice, life-enhancing
skills and spiritual wisdom toguide you from pain to purpose,
self-doubt to confidence andconfusion to clarity.
So let's leave the struggle busbehind and embark on this
journey to discover the freedom,beauty and strength that lies
(07:37):
within you.
Remember you are not alone andyou are enough.
When times get tough, pray,listen and follow through,
because God loves you, and trustme when I say he is not your
trauma.
Welcome to Overcome Suffering inSilence with Crystal J.
(07:57):
And so today, on OvercomeSuffering in Silence, we are
going to be talking abouttechniques for setting and
maintaining boundaries, andwe're going to talk about how
setting and maintaining healthyboundaries is essential in
nurturing self-respect andcreating balanced relationships.
It's about establishingboundaries so that you can move
(08:22):
forward in your healing journey,because boundaries is what's
going to help you, not walls.
Now, to establish boundaries,you first need to understand
what your limits are, what yourvisions are, what are your
values.
Who causes what reaction andwhat reaction does it cause, and
(08:43):
where does that reaction comefrom, causes what reaction and
what reaction does it cause andwhere does that reaction come
from.
So, when you know what boundaryto place, the who, the what,
the why, what are therepercussions of someone
crossing that boundary line?
It's all about boundaries today, so I want you to reflect on
(09:05):
what you can tolerate and accept, as well as what makes you feel
uncomfortable or stressed.
We're going to talk aboutclearly communicating these
limits to others, yourboundaries to others.
We're going to talk about howto communicate that with other
people.
Okay, okay, and how it should bedone in a calm and assertive
(09:31):
way, but not apologetic, becauseyou're not apologizing for
having boundaries, becausehaving the boundaries is a good
thing, and so you're notapologizing for having
boundaries, but you're askingthem to respect them, and
sometimes it's going to take afew reminders.
It's just like someone learningto ride a bike for the first
time.
Or you started a new job and,even though you've done the role
before at a previous employer,this one might have new rules,
(09:53):
and so you got to find out whatthose rules are.
This is the same thing whenyou're learning boundaries, you
are teaching someone somethingnew to them and, honestly, if
you are just now learning to setboundaries or going deeper in
setting your boundaries.
This is new for you, so you gotto learn what those boundaries
are, what the repercussions are.
(10:13):
Is there somewhere where youcan?
Maybe you have a boundary spaceto where you can compromise on
a boundary right?
Because boundaries you're goingto have them with the people
you know you're going to havethem with coworkers.
You're going to have them withthe people you know you're going
to have them with coworkers.
You're going to have them withyour spouse, with your children,
with your siblings, with yourparents, with everyone.
Okay Now, one of the main keysto maintaining the boundaries
(10:36):
that you're setting is clearcommunication and consistency.
It's about standing firm, evenif others test and push against
your boundary lines, andremember it's okay to say no
without feeling guilty, becausethis is your boundary and no one
can tell you where yourboundary line is, and that is
(10:59):
why it's really important foryou to understand what your
boundary line is and making surethat you're coming out of a
place of calmness and claritywhen you are establishing these
boundaries, instead of comingout of a place of confusion,
pain, shame, guilt and anger.
It's also important to knowthat you may have boundaries and
others may have boundaries, andit's about respecting each
(11:23):
other's boundaries.
And boundaries aren't just foryou to say no, just for you to
push people away.
They're about creating a safespace, a healthy space, a
community of space that ishealthy and allows for an
empowered life.
Setting boundaries are as hugeas it can break toxic cycles.
(11:46):
It can break generational badhabits.
It can break not being able tocommunicate.
It can break the feeling of notfeeling worthy.
It can break the feeling of notfeeling understood because you
are communicating what yourboundaries are and how things
are making you feel.
That is why this is vital foryou and why I love to share this
(12:08):
all the time, especially aroundthe holidays, when people and
families are getting together,because sometimes we don't have
the best relationships, the bestways to communicate.
But guess what?
You may be that one person thatgoes, that comes in the room,
that shows up with a big smileand happy and peaceful and
(12:31):
calming.
And you may be that one personthat this year, you are
communicating what yourboundaries are to, where people
can start learning to acceptthem and respect them, and when
people are learning to acceptthem and respect them, and when
people are learning to acceptthem and respect them.
Then guess what?
You have others who arewitnessing it and they're
(12:54):
witnessing this change.
Be the change, be thetransformation for yourself.
But guess what?
When you're transforming forthe better for yourself, those
around you also see that changeand sometimes picks up on those
behaviors.
So be the example.
Now this is the perfect time toshare this episode with, let's
(13:20):
say, two family members that youknow that you will probably see
this week or that you'remissing.
Share this episode because wecan all learn something about
setting boundaries Right.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries can be physical,psychological and emotional.
Ok, healthy boundaries help youto decide what is acceptable
behavior and what is not, andwhen it is needed to protect
(13:43):
yourself from harm.
Because we all know that ourbody has this automatic alarm
right Of protection the fightflight, freeze.
Right.
Our autonomic nervous system,which includes the empathetic
(14:19):
nervous system.
Right the fight flight freezeresponse.
Right.
That is our body's alarm.
Setting boundaries helps toprevent manipulation, control
and unresolved communicationissues.
They also help with maintaininghealthy relationships and
helping to keep your mentalhealth in check.
It is sometimes difficultstarting out with setting clear
boundaries with others.
Okay, and that's whyrelationships and helping to
keep your mental health in check.
It is sometimes difficult,starting out with setting clear
(14:40):
boundaries with others.
Okay, and that's why we'regoing through this.
And it's especially difficultif you don't know how, if you
don't practice it, if you don'tstay consistent with it, or if
you don't have a role model thatsets healthy boundaries.
And so if you don't have thatrole model that sets healthy
boundaries, and so if you don'thave that role model, you're
(15:01):
going to be that role model.
However, it is vital for you,in your personal safety, to
learn how to assert yourself andbe clear.
Okay, because you use yourboundaries in all areas of your
life, because most aggressors,they do look for easy targets.
(15:27):
So I want you to give yourselfpermission to use your voice and
acknowledge what you see andaddress the behavior as they
come.
Yes, sometimes you will need toprocess it, and please do, but
make sure you come around andlet the other person know hey, I
didn't appreciate blah blah,blah, blah blah.
It made me feel blah blah, blah, blah, blah, and I would
(15:48):
appreciate that, instead of youdoing blah blah, blah, blah,
blah, that maybe you can dosomething like blah blah, blah,
blah, blah.
Right, so you're going to sharethat and you're going to use
that healthy communication.
Okay, what boundary does isthat it helps you to respect
your time and it respects theother person time because you
(16:08):
can have the clarity on therelationships and how to embrace
each other.
Okay, when it comes to yourmental health, when you have set
boundaries, it's about havingyour own thoughts, knowing your
purpose, knowing your values,your vision and having your own
opinions, because, guess what?
You can have your own opinions.
(16:30):
Your values can be differentfrom those of your family or end
of your friends.
A part of having boundaries ismaking sure that you're taking
mental breaks when needed,making sure that you're seeking
professional help when needed.
You know, professional help maybe a psychiatrist, may be a
therapist, it may be me as yourcoach, but make sure you're
seeking professional help whenyou need it, right.
One thing that I love to do,especially before the holidays,
(16:52):
are big things.
I love to do a check-in sessionwith my therapist and go
through with her and then, afterI meet with her, make sure
everything's good.
I come out with, I come out andI move on, because I've had
that check-in and so it's okaywith you to have that check-in
moments, right, there's certainthings that, like I'll check in
with my coach.
You know the things that I telly'all I also practice myself
(17:15):
have boundaries when it comes toyour communication and to your
conversations.
So you want to let people knowwhat conversations that you are
willing to have and those thatyou're willing to not have.
And you need to also let peopleknow what topics are off limits.
You know if they rank off thetopic and it's off limits.
Instead of storming off, beingmad or angry or upset or
shutting down, just let themknow hey, that is a topic that
I'm not willing to discuss.
I am more than willing to stillhave conversations with you,
(17:37):
but maybe we can go off thistopic.
Let them know.
And then I want you to also berespectful of others the
conversations they are willingto have, the topics that they
are willing to discuss, becausethis is a two-way street.
It's not a one-way street whereyou can have all the boundaries
in the world yet you don'trespect anybody else's.
Because we know that sometopics that you may have can be
(17:59):
triggering and I want you to letpeople know that these
conversations are triggering toyou and then maybe if it's
another way that they cancommunicate about that topic or
if they need to leave that topicalone altogether.
Let them know that.
But when you do, make sure thatyou're watching the words, that
you're using, the tone of voicethat you're using and even your
body language.
Okay, you're using the tone ofvoice that you're using and even
your body language Okay.
(18:19):
When it comes to physical, whenit comes to your physical self
right, I want you to alwaysremember that no is no.
It doesn't matter who or whothe person is Okay, it doesn't
matter what y'all have done inthe past.
No is no, okay, but make sureyou voice that and you say that.
Also, allow people to letpeople know what touches are OK
(18:40):
and what touches aren't OK.
You know some people arehuggers, some aren't.
Some people are willing to givehugs to certain people and hugs
not to others, and that is OK.
Be clear and communicate when weset healthy boundaries.
It allows us to have freedom,establish respect and to protect
ourselves.
Have freedom, establish respectand to protect ourselves.
(19:00):
It allows us to respect others,set guidelines and expectations
, promote healthierrelationships.
It gives you an opportunity tolearn self-awareness, to not be
taken advantage of.
It helps reduce stress andanxiety.
Those are huge that setting.
Having boundaries especially ifthey're healthy boundaries it
helps reduce stress and anxiety.
(19:21):
Who has moments of anxiety whenthey're going somewhere?
They're going to a place andthey know someone is overbearing
, or they know that someone isusually having a conversation
that they don't want to have orwhatever else right, or being
treated a certain way orwhatever else, and you'd be
anxious because you're like, ohmy gosh, I'm about to go to this
place, but I got a question foryou.
When was the last time that youtold that person, hey, when you
(19:45):
do this, this is how it makesme feel and I really appreciate
it.
If you don't do that around me,right, we can ask.
All of this allows you to createmeaningful relationships with
other people, whether it's yourpartner, your spouse, your
siblings, a coworker, a strangeron the street right, a business
(20:06):
partner.
It helps create a balance foryour needs and the needs of
others, and what I really loveabout setting boundaries is it
helps us heal unresolved issuesand the results or the
limitations of past traumas.
We can use healthy boundariesto break the bad habits of
(20:27):
generational trauma as well asbreak toxic tendencies.
Isn't that great?
So how do you feel aboutsetting clear boundaries with
others.
Are you ready to know how youcan do that?
One is by starting your work onthe inside.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Self-reflection, self-awarenessright, because you need to know
(20:50):
where it comes from.
What boundaries do you need toset in place anyway?
What's the who, the what, thewhy?
You got to know these things?
You find those things out bylooking at yourself and being
honest with yourself about whatboundaries need to be set, what
those repercussions are.
You want to do that from aplace of love, clarity and
understanding and not out of aplace of anger, pain, shame,
(21:12):
guilt or embarrassment.
The peace, love and clarity andunderstanding is what's going
to help you to create thosehealthy boundaries.
And all of that comes with youstarting to work within yourself
Because, yes, these things havehappened to you, yes, you are
living in pain, but, yes, youcan begin your healing journey
(21:36):
and you can set these healthyboundaries instead of walls to
help you move forward, toelevate yourself, and to help
not only you but, if you havesmall children or bigger
children, to help your children,to help your partner or your
spouse, to help your siblings,your mothers, your cousins,
whoever your father, whoeveryour cousins, whoever your
(22:03):
father, whoever Along thisjourney of you setting
boundaries and clarity, becauseguess what?
Sometimes people do not realizethat the actions that they take,
the way that they communicate,are actually harmful, because if
you don't say nothing, how dothey know?
How many times have you beentold something?
It's like oh, I didn't knowthat.
That can be the same thing forthe way that people treat us or
act or the conversations thatthey have, because different
(22:24):
ones have different limits onwhere they're willing to go and
how they're willing tocommunicate.
Right, you may be living withone friend who is just, will
share all the details, andsometimes it's like, oh my gosh,
that was TMI.
But then there's another onewho's like don't really share
anything, right or any.
Is either one of them wrong, no, it's just what they're
comfortable with, right, and soit's about sharing that and
(22:47):
talking about, like, what isacceptable and what is not
acceptable.
You know, same thing when itcomes to the way that people
communicate Some people talkwith their hands, some people
don't.
Some people talk with theirhands, some people don't.
Some people talk with a lot ofpassion and some people don't,
right.
But depending on how you wereraised or the environment you
was raised in, things that arenormal for you may not be normal
(23:08):
for others.
So how are we supposed to knowthe best ways to communicate or
when we're crossing lines if wedon't let them know?
And the best way to do that isto do the work within, so that
way you even know why you'rehaving these reactions.
Have you ever been aroundsomeone and, for some reason,
you're like your body's on highalert and you're anxious and
you're like dang?
I don't even know why I'mfeeling this way.
(23:28):
Well, it's time to take a stepback and figure out why are you
feeling that way?
And then communicate, set ahealthy boundary, and when
you're stating your boundaries,I want you to state your
boundaries in a direct, clearmanner.
I want you to use positiveterms rather than talking about
what you don't want from them.
Right?
I want you to avoid usingcriticism or blaming the other
(23:51):
person when communicating yourboundary, that you're setting or
that you have set.
Okay, I want you to give theother person a chance to respond
, ask questions so they can gainclarity and reflect back on
what you have said.
That's a part of healthycommunication.
I want you to acknowledge thefeelings of the other person.
Even if you disagree with thatperson, you can still
(24:12):
acknowledge their feelings,right?
I want you to be consistentwith your boundaries.
Not one day something be okay,the next day it's not okay.
We're not doing that.
This is the boundary, okay?
Um, be willing to listen toothers and to discuss the
situation further if needed.
(24:32):
Right?
It may be that, instead of youknow, maybe that person may be
like look, I'm really bad atremembering things.
This is a habit for me, so Iwould really love if you give me
a little bit to get used to it.
And when I do cross it, can youplease just remind me, right,
that's something that iscompromising and that you should
be willing to work with right,especially if the person is
(24:52):
willing to accept the boundaryand they're just saying, hey, my
memory sucks and this is ahabit.
Can you help me?
Right?
Are you willing to do that foryour person in order to
establish a healthy relationshipwhere you have less anxiety or
less anxiousness or less angeror less feelings of unworthiness
?
Wouldn't that be worth it?
(25:14):
When it comes to settingboundaries, one of the examples
of a boundary that can be set isyou have someone who comes in
and they are always negative andthey're talking down all the
time and you don't want to bearound negativity, you don't
want to be around someone that'stalking down all the time,
right, but y'all have a mutualgroup that you all be with,
right?
What you can do is pull theperson to the side and be like,
(25:37):
hey, you know, I noticed that alot of the times that when you
are conversating or you'retalking, you say a lot of
negative things, negative things, like, and give them examples
of the negative things thatthey've said.
You say those negative things.
It kind of puts negative energyout in the atmosphere and I
(25:58):
really love to be aroundpositive things and I really
love, I really enjoy beingaround you.
But can we add some positivityin that?
You know, one thing that I dowhen I speak negative is when I
say something negative, I backthat up with a positive.
You know, would you be willingto try that, like, give them the
example of what?
(26:18):
Because some people might notrealize they're saying, hey, I'm
always saying somethingnegative.
You know, bring that up to them.
It may be when one's talkingand they're trying to bring a
point across and maybe they'd befull of passion, and it makes
their voice seem like they'rebeing very rude or making them
seem like they are yelling.
You can sit there and be like,hey, can you bring it down a
little bit?
You're getting a little loud.
(26:38):
I would love to hear what youhave to say, but when you speak
louder, with so much force, mymind kind of goes out to another
direction, because it thenseems like you're speaking at me
in a negative tone.
But if you're willing to bringit down a little bit, I can
really process and listen andunderstand to what you're saying
, right?
(26:59):
That's another example.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, you may be someone who isco-parenting, right, and you're
trying to find the best way toco-parent your child, and it's
about also communicating withthat other person.
And even if that other personis maybe coming at you in a
(27:20):
strong, not respecting you tone,then let them know.
Hey, I'm willing to have thisconversation with you, but I
need you to bring it down,because when you're speaking to
me like that, I'm not payingattention to anything that
you're saying and it's not thebest thing for our child.
And I really want to make surethat we're the best parents that
we can be for our child, and soI really want to communicate
(27:42):
and have a better a healthyrelationship with you, but while
it seems like you're attackingme, I can't have conversations
with you.
So if you're going to only talkto me in a way that you're
attacking me, then it's best forus to not even have long
conversations, you know?
Or if you have, you know aperson that could be a healthy
(28:04):
medium to where that person doesthe communication for y'all.
Then maybe y'all can talk aboutthat person going in.
You can do mediation.
It's all these different things.
And yes, I understand whenwe're talking about setting
healthy boundaries with peoplewho are toxic or have toxic
behaviors, because sometimeslet's get it correct Sometimes
the people themselves are nottoxic, they just have toxic, bad
behaviors, and guess what thatcan be?
(28:25):
Those can change.
And when we are settingboundaries and letting people
know, it's also making themaware of the actions that they
are taking, which will hopefullythey will go through the work
of being like man.
What is it about me?
What is it that I'm doing?
Why am I talking that way tothis person?
I'm really not getting anywhereby talking to her or him that
(28:45):
way, right?
So don't give up when it comesto setting boundaries, okay.
So, overall, I want you tothink about your life, your
situations and the life you wantto live, the things that you
are accepting, things you wantaccepted, things that you will
not or that you will accept inthe future.
Okay, I want you to make surethat you are setting what the
(29:07):
boundaries are, who they are for, um, and that you are coming up
with repercussions of comingwith the boundary now.
I want you to be like oh well,this is my boundary and you
cross it one time, then screwyou and and go to heck and all
that other kind of stuff.
We're not talking about that.
You know, people are a lot oftimes, people are going to need
the reminders, are there goingto be people who's going to push
it and it's going to be like oh, I forgot.
You know, daniel, they didn'tforget.
(29:28):
Yes, but that's where you havethe repercussions in place and
if you truly done the work onthe inside, you know what um
repercussions to put in place,when to enforce them and
everything else and to whatlevel.
Okay, trust yourself in this,but in order to yourself, you
need to be working on being yourbest self, which is looking
(29:49):
within yourself and being honestwith yourself about all the
things as well.
Ok.
So that means that when settinghealthy boundaries, you're
doing some inner work, you'regaining clarity, you're knowing
what the boundary is, who, whatand when it shall be
communicated with right, whatthe repercussions are when the
line is crossed, how you willcommunicate it.
You're going to be patient.
(30:10):
You want to use healthycommunication, paying attention
to your words, your tone andyour body language, and even
your inner thoughts while you'recommunicating.
I am Crystal J, the EmpowermentGoddess, and you're who Am I
Expert?
I'm a certified somatic,trauma-informed coach and thank
you for tuning in and allowingme to empower you to discover
(30:30):
who you are, free from thelimitations that trauma left
behind.
I will equip you with skills,techniques and guidance that
will help you overcome thelimitations of past traumas,
discover your authentic self andelevate your career, personal
and social life.
This has been a knowledgeableepisode on setting boundaries,
(30:54):
congratulations.
Enjoy your week and remembersetting boundaries is a great
way to begin the transformationwave for yourself and those
around you.
Leave a review and might aswell, while you're doing it,
share this episode with yourfamily, group chat or the first
person that you think of.
Grab your Black Friday pre-saleoffer for 40% off, because this
(31:16):
is the best sale of the season.
There will not be a better salethan this in December.
This will not be back, ever atthis price.
This Black Friday pre-salemakes the one-on-one coaching
sessions $40.20 per session, aslong as they're booked before
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way down to $13.36.
With the Black Friday pre-salecode, that's 40% off of services
y'all, and these prices willnever be at this price again.
So make sure you grab them,because I want the best for you.
You are not alone.
Your guidance is here.
It's time to take action.
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