January 31, 2025 • 26 mins
After years of saying yes to everyone and everything, I hit a breaking point in nursing school that forever changed my perspective on people-pleasing. The revelation that my behavior was a trauma response rooted in the fear of rejection was both eye-opening and transformative. Join me as I unravel the emotional toll of people-pleasing, from the sleepless nights filled with anxiety to the resentment that quietly builds when we neglect our own needs for the sake of others. This episode is not just a recount of struggles but a guide to reclaiming your worth and well-being by learning how to set boundaries without guilt.
Imagine shifting from being the dependable go-to person to someone who prioritizes personal desires and capacities. We'll explore how deeply ingrained patterns, often developed in environments where love and approval were conditional, can impact every aspect of life—from work to personal relationships. As the Empowerment Goddess and Your Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach, I offer practical steps to help you move from automatic people-pleasing to honoring your true self. Learn how to practice the pause before responding and engage in inner dialogues that align with your authentic needs. It's time to break free from the cycle and step into a more fulfilling, authentic life.
• Understanding the impact of conditional love and approval
• Recognizing the cycle of saying yes and its consequences
• The emotional exhaustion tied to people-pleasing patterns
• Exploring the connection between trauma and people-pleasing
• Practical strategies for breaking the habit of people-pleasing
• Importance of practicing the pause for mindful responses
• Checking one's inner dialogue to combat guilt
• Starting with small boundary-setting actions
• Encouragement to challenge habitual responses
• Affirmation that unlearning people-pleasing is possible through self-compassion
“You are not alone, and you are enough. When times get tough, pray, listen and follow through. God loves you and trust me when I say he is not your trauma.” ~Krystal Jae
“Believe in all that you are and know that you have this inner power that is greater than any obstacle.” ~Krystal Jae
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Krystal Jae (00:00):
Did you grow up in a household where love and
approval were conditional andyou only received praise when
being good or when you wereaccommodating others?
Or maybe it's that you grew upin a household where love and
approval weren't evenacknowledged and you received
(00:21):
praise on the outside of yourhouse, outside of your family,
out in the street is where youlearned how to feel loved,
valued and wanted.
You know, as I got older, Icontinued to suppress my own
needs and desires.
(00:42):
I put everyone else's needsbefore mine, believing that if I
didn't, I'd be rejected orabandoned.
I thought that being nice orhelpful was the way to have
friends, was the way to beincluded, was the way to feel
(01:02):
loved and acknowledged.
At work and in friendships, Ioften found myself saying yes to
things I didn't really want todo, just to avoid conflict.
Even though I felt drained oroverwhelmed, I would force
myself to smile and keep onmoving forward.
Does that sound familiar to you?
(01:23):
I remember agreeing to take onextra projects or to take on
extra errands or whatever it was, even though I knew I was
stressed.
Then I would say yes and takeon everything to avoid
(01:44):
disappointing my boss, my family, my friends, my teachers,
whoever.
But inside I felt anxietybuilding up.
It was like I had no space tobreathe.
But I didn't want to rock theboat.
(02:05):
You know, over time I startedfeeling emotionally exhausted,
like I was running on empty.
But I kept pushing throughbecause the alternative
alternative was saying no, andthat was terrifying.
If I said no, if I didn'tunderstand, I feared that
(02:31):
everyone would think that Iwasn't capable, that I wasn't
good enough, that I wasn'tworthy.
Have you felt that way?
I would often go to bed feelingcompletely drained, but my mind
wouldn't stop going.
(02:52):
Why didn't you just say no, Ithink?
Why did you agree to that?
I felt stuck in a cycle, knowingI needed to set boundaries, but
it paralyzed me, it scared me,it frightened me to even begin
(03:18):
to think about setting theboundaries.
What boundaries would I set?
Why am I going to start settingboundaries now when I haven't
set boundaries before?
What if people leave becauseI'm setting boundaries now?
What about if I'm left allalone because now I decided to
(03:41):
set boundaries?
The guilt, the fear paralyzedme.
But what I didn't realize wasthat this pattern wasn't just
about being nice.
It was rooted in my fear ofrejection, my fear of
abandonment and the belief thatI wasn't worthy unless I was
(04:06):
constantly giving and giving andgiving and giving to others.
This people-pleasing was atrauma response and I didn't
know it, and I'm sure that youprobably didn't know it as well
and you probably still don't.
You're talking aboutpeople-pleasing.
You're talking about traumaresponse.
What's that?
Everything that I've beentalking in this episode it's an
(04:31):
attempt to gain love andattention and affection and
approval where it wasn't freelygiven in the past.
One day I hit a breaking point.
I was in nursing school and Iwas late to an exam and these
(04:57):
are exams to where you have an80% above to move on.
And I was late to move on.
And I was late knowing that Ineeded the full time to take
these exams.
I was scared that I would evenbe let into the door.
(05:27):
But why was I late?
Because I said yes to someoneelse when that yes should have
been a no.
And now my career, my education, is on the line.
Lucky for me, one of theprofessors was also late, so
they hadn't started yet.
But I didn't know that.
Just think about theanxiousness, the fear, the
(05:50):
sadness, the guilt and the shamethat I felt going in there,
knowing that I had dideverything to prepare, but I had
said yes instead of no.
I had did everything to prepare, but I had said yes instead of
no, knowing that I was making adecision that I shouldn't make.
I wanted to be accepted, loved.
(06:11):
I didn't want to be rejected.
I didn't want to be abandoned.
So, paired with the realizationthat I was constantly running
on empty, this was one of thewake-up calls.
I soon then began to reallyunderstand that people pleasing
(06:33):
wasn't a healthy habit, becausethat's what it was.
It was a habit, a habit ofsaying yes to everyone else even
though I should have said no.
This was a habit, a habit thathas lasted since I could
remember.
It was also a coping mechanismthat was formed from past trauma
(06:56):
.
Slowly, I learned that I didn'thave to earn my word by saying
yes to every single thing.
It was okay to set boundaries,say no and to prioritize my
well-being.
Now, this process of unlearningpeople-pleasing has been
(07:18):
challenging and it's going to bechallenging for you.
It has been challenging forsome of my clients and, by the
way, if you know someone whothis sounds familiar, you're
like oh man, such and suchalways do this, or this reminds
me.
If you've had that aha momentso far.
I want you to take time rightnow and share this episode with
(07:43):
someone, because we are going tounlearn people pleasing, this
habit that often forms in trauma.
We're going to learn to standfirm in our boundaries and honor
our needs without guilt,because I'm no longer driven by
(08:05):
fear of rejection and I'mfinally starting to live for me,
and so are my clients.
We don't need the approval fromothers, and it's time for you,
your friends, your family, yourco-workers, your neighbor to
(08:28):
experience the same thing.
Hey, hey, welcome.
To Overcome Suffering inSilence, it's time for you to
stop people pleasing and createyour better life.
I am Krystal Jae, TheEmpowerment Goddess, and Your
Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach.
This season has already startedin a way I couldn't even
(08:50):
imagine.
If your answer is yes, thenyou've come to the right place.
For the past two decades, I'vebeen blessed to share my journey
(09:10):
with countless women and a fewmen, empowering them to overcome
the lingering shadows ofphysical, emotional,
psychological, and sexual abuse.
Together, we confront thelimitations that hold us back,
like self-doubt, guilt, fear,shame, and that pervasive sense
of unworthiness.
Dig deep to uncover the root ofthese feelings.
(09:33):
Break free from the inner painof suffering and silence, find
faith, grow in that faith andembrace the life that is meant
for you.
Enjoy the real stories andpractical advice, life-enhancing
skills and spiritual wisdom toguide you from pain to purpose,
self-doubt to confidence andconfusion to clarity.
(09:56):
So let's leave the struggle busbehind and embark on this
journey to discover the freedom,beauty and strength that lies
within you.
Remember you are not alone andyou are enough.
When times get tough, pray,listen and follow through,
because God loves you, and trustme when I say he is not your
(10:19):
trauma.
Welcome to Overcome Suffering inSilence with Krystal Jae.
So I would like to welcome youback to Overcome Suffering in
Silence.
Hey, hey, you know me.
It's me, Krystal Jae, theEntirement Goddess, your Somatic
(10:43):
Trauma Informed Coach, where weuncover the hidden patterns
that's holding you back andempower you to step into your
full potential.
We are overcoming barriers, weare discovering our authentic
selves, we are unlockingpotential and we are elevating
(11:03):
our life.
We are embracing success withfulfillment.
That's what we do here atOvercome Suffering and Silence.
That's what my clients do byworking with me, Krystal Jae,
and now it's your time.
So we're diving into somethingthat so many of us do without
(11:25):
even realizing it, and todaythat's people pleasing.
If you ever felt the weight ofconstantly showing up for others
at the expense of yourself,this episode is for you, and if
you know someone else, thisepisode is for them.
So take time and share this,download this episode to come
(11:47):
back later because, as always,there is going to be some action
steps at the end.
Okay, now we're going to talkabout how people-pleasing shows
up in sneaky ways, why ithappens and, most importantly,
how to break free.
So let's get into it.
(12:08):
When I say people-pleasing, alot of people immediately think
of someone who just can't say no.
But it's so much deeper thanthat.
It's not just about saying yeswhen you want to say no.
It's about the patterns we'vebuilt around keeping others
happy, often at the expense ofour own needs.
(12:31):
Now here are some ways peoplepleasing might be showing up in
your life without you evenrealizing it.
You're the go-to person at workor in your family, in your
friend circle, at church,wherever.
You're that go-to person, andwhile you take pride in being
(12:54):
reliable and being someone thateveryone goes to.
Really, you're feelingexhausted and you might be
suffering in silence, but thethought of taking a step back
makes you feel so uncomfortable.
(13:15):
You avoid bringing up issues inrelationships because you don't
want to seem too much or causeconflict or say that something
is truly bothering you, becauseyou're scared of the fear of the
rejection, the judgment, thepossibility of being lonely or
(13:41):
making someone angry at you.
When making decisions, you findyourself thinking what will
they think?
Or will they be upset?
More than what do I actuallywant?
You feel guilty for taking timefor yourself, for setting
(14:05):
boundaries, even though you knowthat you need them Now.
Did any of those hit home?
If so, you are not alone.
And here's the thing.
This isn't about blamingourselves or about blaming
others, because most of the time, people-pleasing is something
(14:28):
we learn.
Most of the time, peoplepleasing is something we learn.
It's a survival skill thathelps us navigate relationships,
workplaces and even childhoodexperiences.
But just because it serves usonce doesn't mean it has to
define us forever.
So why do we do this?
(14:49):
Why do so many of us feel thisurge to be agreeable, helpful or
easy to be around?
For a lot of us, it's notsomething we consciously chose.
It's something that wasreinforced over time.
Maybe you grew up in a homewhere love and approval felt
(15:13):
conditional.
When you were helpful,easygoing or high achieving, you
were praised.
So you learn to keep that going, though.
You experienced situationswhere conflict was uncomfortable
or even unsafe.
(15:33):
So you figured out that keepingthe peace was the best way to
navigate relationships, nomatter what keeping the peace
meant for you.
You were taught that beingselfless, accommodating and nice
was the right way to be, evenif it meant sacrificing your own
(15:58):
needs and your own wants, andover time, this became an
automatic response.
It's not just being nice, it'sa pattern.
It really is a pattern.
(16:19):
But the problem is, when wespend all our time meeting
everyone else's needs, we losesight of our own, and that's
where resentment.
Resentment, exhaustion and evenburnout starts to creep in.
Right, can you do you feel that?
Can you relate?
(16:39):
So, now that we see that it's apattern, right, we see that
people pleasing is a pattern,how do we break the cycle?
What do we do now?
How do we break this pattern,this habit?
How do we start shifting out ofthis automatic people pleasing
(17:02):
load and into a life where wehonor ourselves as much as we
honor others, let me tell you itstarts with small but powerful
steps, and here are three waysto begin.
One practice the pause.
(17:30):
What is that?
Now, one of the biggest reasonswe people please is that we
answer too quickly.
Is that her to say, someoneasked us for something and
before we even check in withourselves, we say, sure, I can
do that.
I know I'm guilty of that.
(17:52):
Instead, I want you to practicethe pause right and when
someone asks you for something,whether it's a favor, a meeting
or even just your time, pause,take a breath and ask yourself
(18:17):
do I actually want to do this,do I have the capacity for this?
Because you don't have to givean answer right away.
And I know sometimes, when wefeel like, if we pause, people
gonna be like, oh, she don'twant to do it and maybe that we
want to do it, but we trying tofigure out if we have the time
to do it right, and so let'stake that into consideration.
Okay, even when we ask someone,if they pause, it's not always
(18:37):
because they don't want to do it.
Maybe that they're trying tofigure out if they have the time
, the capacity to do it.
So, again, you don't have toanswer right away.
A simple let me check, checkand then I'll get back to you
can give you the space torespond instead of just reacting
(18:57):
.
Okay, two check your innerdialogue.
A lot of us say yes not becausewe want to, but because we feel
that we have to.
Have you felt that way I haveNow pay attention to your
thoughts when you're about toagree to something.
Are you thinking I really don'twant to do this, or is it more
(19:20):
like I don't want to disappointthem, I don't want to make them
mad, I don't want to leave themhanging and then they're going
to go talk about me, you know,let's let's really think about
what we are thinking when we'regoing through this process,
because that little shift ofawareness can make a huge
(19:43):
difference.
And if guilt shows up, remindyourself that you are taking
care of yourself, and takingcare of yourself is not selfish.
It's necessary.
Write that down.
Taking care of myself is notselfish, it's necessary.
(20:05):
Okay Now.
Third one Set small boundariesfirst.
Setting boundaries doesn't haveto mean making a huge, dramatic
, dramatic change overnight.
Okay, I want you to start small.
If you always pick up the extrawork, try saying I can't take
(20:26):
that on this time.
If you're always available totalk when someone needs to vent,
practice saying I'd love tosupport you, but I don't have
the emotional space for thisright now.
Have you felt that?
Is that easy enough to say?
Practice it truly.
(20:47):
Write this down.
I'll say it again if you'realways available to talk when
someone needs to vent, I wantyou to say I love to support you
, but I don't have the emotionalspace for this right now.
If that's truly how you feel,say that I would love to support
you, but I don't have anemotional or mental space for
(21:12):
this right now.
The more you do this, theeasier it gets.
Even if you practice in themirror, you practice when you're
driving a car, whatever, it isokay.
It gets easier with practiceand the best part, the people
who truly, truly, truly respectyou will adjust.
(21:33):
Yes, there's going to be somepeople who want to be like
they're going to go off orthey're going to go about their
own thing.
Don't take note of it seriously.
(21:57):
So now that we've covered thewhat and the why, I want to
leave you with a challenge,something you can apply this
week.
Are you ready?
Do you have a pen and paper out?
Do you have this downloaded forlater.
(22:19):
Are you thinking, oh, such andsuch should hear this, send it
to them, put this in the chat.
So are you ready?
Yet here it is.
Pay attention to how often yousay yes without thinking, and
every time you agree tosomething, take a second to
(22:40):
check in with yourself.
Ask do I genuinely want to dothis?
Am I saying yes because I feelobligated?
What would it feel like to sayno If you catch yourself about
to agree at a habit?
Try one of these responsesinstead.
(23:02):
Let me think about it and getback to you.
I'd love to help, but I don'thave the bandwidth right now.
That sounds great, but I haveto pass this time.
You might be surprised at howmuch power you take back just by
giving yourself space to choose.
(23:26):
So remember people, pleasingisn't who you are.
It's a pattern you've learned.
And the beautiful thing aboutpatterns they can be unlearned.
You can break, you can overcomethem.
With small shifts, a littlecourage and a lot of
(23:47):
self-compassion, you can startshowing up in your life in a way
that feels aligned to you, foryou, by you.
And this is not just with whatothers need, but with what you
(24:07):
need.
Isn't that something Now.
If this resonated with you thisepisode, I'd love to hear from
you.
So leave me a review with yourbiggest takeaway and then share
(24:30):
it on your Facebook or yourInstagram and tag me, or share
this episode with your groupchat.
Nowadays, everybody has groupchat.
I don't care if you haveFacebook group chat, instagram
group everybody has group chat.
I don't care if it's Facebookgroup chat, instagram group chat
(24:53):
, text messaging, group chat.
Share it, okay.
And if you're ready to godeeper into yourself, check out
wwwcrystaljanecom.
Forward slash breakthrough.
Wwwcrystaljanecom.
(25:16):
Forward slash breakthrough.
That's where you go when you'reready to dive deep into
breaking these patterns andstepping up into your full
potential.
We're talking about elevatingyour life, getting success with
fulfillment.
Yeah, you deserve that, andlet's get you there.
(25:39):
So I will see y'all next time.
And remember your needs matter,your voice matters, you matter
and and take care and I'll seeyou next episode.
Oh and, by the way, I got atreat for you next episode and
I'm pretty sure that you'regonna like it, so make sure that
(26:00):
you tune in.
This has been overcome.
Suffering and silence with me.
Krystal Jae bye.
Did you grow up in a household where love and
approval were conditional andyou only received praise when
being good or when you wereaccommodating others?
Or maybe it's that you grew upin a household where love and
approval weren't evenacknowledged and you received
(00:21):
praise on the outside of yourhouse, outside of your family,
out in the street is where youlearned how to feel loved,
valued and wanted.
You know, as I got older, Icontinued to suppress my own
needs and desires.
(00:42):
I put everyone else's needsbefore mine, believing that if I
didn't, I'd be rejected orabandoned.
I thought that being nice orhelpful was the way to have
friends, was the way to beincluded, was the way to feel
(01:02):
loved and acknowledged.
At work and in friendships, Ioften found myself saying yes to
things I didn't really want todo, just to avoid conflict.
Even though I felt drained oroverwhelmed, I would force
myself to smile and keep onmoving forward.
Does that sound familiar to you?
(01:23):
I remember agreeing to take onextra projects or to take on
extra errands or whatever it was, even though I knew I was
stressed.
Then I would say yes and takeon everything to avoid
(01:44):
disappointing my boss, my family, my friends, my teachers,
whoever.
But inside I felt anxietybuilding up.
It was like I had no space tobreathe.
But I didn't want to rock theboat.
(02:05):
You know, over time I startedfeeling emotionally exhausted,
like I was running on empty.
But I kept pushing throughbecause the alternative
alternative was saying no, andthat was terrifying.
If I said no, if I didn'tunderstand, I feared that
(02:31):
everyone would think that Iwasn't capable, that I wasn't
good enough, that I wasn'tworthy.
Have you felt that way?
I would often go to bed feelingcompletely drained, but my mind
wouldn't stop going.
(02:52):
Why didn't you just say no, Ithink?
Why did you agree to that?
I felt stuck in a cycle, knowingI needed to set boundaries, but
it paralyzed me, it scared me,it frightened me to even begin
(03:18):
to think about setting theboundaries.
What boundaries would I set?
Why am I going to start settingboundaries now when I haven't
set boundaries before?
What if people leave becauseI'm setting boundaries now?
What about if I'm left allalone because now I decided to
(03:41):
set boundaries?
The guilt, the fear paralyzedme.
But what I didn't realize wasthat this pattern wasn't just
about being nice.
It was rooted in my fear ofrejection, my fear of
abandonment and the belief thatI wasn't worthy unless I was
(04:06):
constantly giving and giving andgiving and giving to others.
This people-pleasing was atrauma response and I didn't
know it, and I'm sure that youprobably didn't know it as well
and you probably still don't.
You're talking aboutpeople-pleasing.
You're talking about traumaresponse.
What's that?
Everything that I've beentalking in this episode it's an
(04:31):
attempt to gain love andattention and affection and
approval where it wasn't freelygiven in the past.
One day I hit a breaking point.
I was in nursing school and Iwas late to an exam and these
(04:57):
are exams to where you have an80% above to move on.
And I was late to move on.
And I was late knowing that Ineeded the full time to take
these exams.
I was scared that I would evenbe let into the door.
(05:27):
But why was I late?
Because I said yes to someoneelse when that yes should have
been a no.
And now my career, my education, is on the line.
Lucky for me, one of theprofessors was also late, so
they hadn't started yet.
But I didn't know that.
Just think about theanxiousness, the fear, the
(05:50):
sadness, the guilt and the shamethat I felt going in there,
knowing that I had dideverything to prepare, but I had
said yes instead of no.
I had did everything to prepare, but I had said yes instead of
no, knowing that I was making adecision that I shouldn't make.
I wanted to be accepted, loved.
(06:11):
I didn't want to be rejected.
I didn't want to be abandoned.
So, paired with the realizationthat I was constantly running
on empty, this was one of thewake-up calls.
I soon then began to reallyunderstand that people pleasing
(06:33):
wasn't a healthy habit, becausethat's what it was.
It was a habit, a habit ofsaying yes to everyone else even
though I should have said no.
This was a habit, a habit thathas lasted since I could
remember.
It was also a coping mechanismthat was formed from past trauma
(06:56):
.
Slowly, I learned that I didn'thave to earn my word by saying
yes to every single thing.
It was okay to set boundaries,say no and to prioritize my
well-being.
Now, this process of unlearningpeople-pleasing has been
(07:18):
challenging and it's going to bechallenging for you.
It has been challenging forsome of my clients and, by the
way, if you know someone whothis sounds familiar, you're
like oh man, such and suchalways do this, or this reminds
me.
If you've had that aha momentso far.
I want you to take time rightnow and share this episode with
(07:43):
someone, because we are going tounlearn people pleasing, this
habit that often forms in trauma.
We're going to learn to standfirm in our boundaries and honor
our needs without guilt,because I'm no longer driven by
(08:05):
fear of rejection and I'mfinally starting to live for me,
and so are my clients.
We don't need the approval fromothers, and it's time for you,
your friends, your family, yourco-workers, your neighbor to
(08:28):
experience the same thing.
Hey, hey, welcome.
To Overcome Suffering inSilence, it's time for you to
stop people pleasing and createyour better life.
I am Krystal Jae, TheEmpowerment Goddess, and Your
Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach.
This season has already startedin a way I couldn't even
(08:50):
imagine.
If your answer is yes, thenyou've come to the right place.
For the past two decades, I'vebeen blessed to share my journey
(09:10):
with countless women and a fewmen, empowering them to overcome
the lingering shadows ofphysical, emotional,
psychological, and sexual abuse.
Together, we confront thelimitations that hold us back,
like self-doubt, guilt, fear,shame, and that pervasive sense
of unworthiness.
Dig deep to uncover the root ofthese feelings.
(09:33):
Break free from the inner painof suffering and silence, find
faith, grow in that faith andembrace the life that is meant
for you.
Enjoy the real stories andpractical advice, life-enhancing
skills and spiritual wisdom toguide you from pain to purpose,
self-doubt to confidence andconfusion to clarity.
(09:56):
So let's leave the struggle busbehind and embark on this
journey to discover the freedom,beauty and strength that lies
within you.
Remember you are not alone andyou are enough.
When times get tough, pray,listen and follow through,
because God loves you, and trustme when I say he is not your
(10:19):
trauma.
Welcome to Overcome Suffering inSilence with Krystal Jae.
So I would like to welcome youback to Overcome Suffering in
Silence.
Hey, hey, you know me.
It's me, Krystal Jae, theEntirement Goddess, your Somatic
(10:43):
Trauma Informed Coach, where weuncover the hidden patterns
that's holding you back andempower you to step into your
full potential.
We are overcoming barriers, weare discovering our authentic
selves, we are unlockingpotential and we are elevating
(11:03):
our life.
We are embracing success withfulfillment.
That's what we do here atOvercome Suffering and Silence.
That's what my clients do byworking with me, Krystal Jae,
and now it's your time.
So we're diving into somethingthat so many of us do without
(11:25):
even realizing it, and todaythat's people pleasing.
If you ever felt the weight ofconstantly showing up for others
at the expense of yourself,this episode is for you, and if
you know someone else, thisepisode is for them.
So take time and share this,download this episode to come
(11:47):
back later because, as always,there is going to be some action
steps at the end.
Okay, now we're going to talkabout how people-pleasing shows
up in sneaky ways, why ithappens and, most importantly,
how to break free.
So let's get into it.
(12:08):
When I say people-pleasing, alot of people immediately think
of someone who just can't say no.
But it's so much deeper thanthat.
It's not just about saying yeswhen you want to say no.
It's about the patterns we'vebuilt around keeping others
happy, often at the expense ofour own needs.
(12:31):
Now here are some ways peoplepleasing might be showing up in
your life without you evenrealizing it.
You're the go-to person at workor in your family, in your
friend circle, at church,wherever.
You're that go-to person, andwhile you take pride in being
(12:54):
reliable and being someone thateveryone goes to.
Really, you're feelingexhausted and you might be
suffering in silence, but thethought of taking a step back
makes you feel so uncomfortable.
(13:15):
You avoid bringing up issues inrelationships because you don't
want to seem too much or causeconflict or say that something
is truly bothering you, becauseyou're scared of the fear of the
rejection, the judgment, thepossibility of being lonely or
(13:41):
making someone angry at you.
When making decisions, you findyourself thinking what will
they think?
Or will they be upset?
More than what do I actuallywant?
You feel guilty for taking timefor yourself, for setting
(14:05):
boundaries, even though you knowthat you need them Now.
Did any of those hit home?
If so, you are not alone.
And here's the thing.
This isn't about blamingourselves or about blaming
others, because most of the time, people-pleasing is something
(14:28):
we learn.
Most of the time, peoplepleasing is something we learn.
It's a survival skill thathelps us navigate relationships,
workplaces and even childhoodexperiences.
But just because it serves usonce doesn't mean it has to
define us forever.
So why do we do this?
(14:49):
Why do so many of us feel thisurge to be agreeable, helpful or
easy to be around?
For a lot of us, it's notsomething we consciously chose.
It's something that wasreinforced over time.
Maybe you grew up in a homewhere love and approval felt
(15:13):
conditional.
When you were helpful,easygoing or high achieving, you
were praised.
So you learn to keep that going, though.
You experienced situationswhere conflict was uncomfortable
or even unsafe.
(15:33):
So you figured out that keepingthe peace was the best way to
navigate relationships, nomatter what keeping the peace
meant for you.
You were taught that beingselfless, accommodating and nice
was the right way to be, evenif it meant sacrificing your own
(15:58):
needs and your own wants, andover time, this became an
automatic response.
It's not just being nice, it'sa pattern.
It really is a pattern.
(16:19):
But the problem is, when wespend all our time meeting
everyone else's needs, we losesight of our own, and that's
where resentment.
Resentment, exhaustion and evenburnout starts to creep in.
Right, can you do you feel that?
Can you relate?
(16:39):
So, now that we see that it's apattern, right, we see that
people pleasing is a pattern,how do we break the cycle?
What do we do now?
How do we break this pattern,this habit?
How do we start shifting out ofthis automatic people pleasing
(17:02):
load and into a life where wehonor ourselves as much as we
honor others, let me tell you itstarts with small but powerful
steps, and here are three waysto begin.
One practice the pause.
(17:30):
What is that?
Now, one of the biggest reasonswe people please is that we
answer too quickly.
Is that her to say, someoneasked us for something and
before we even check in withourselves, we say, sure, I can
do that.
I know I'm guilty of that.
(17:52):
Instead, I want you to practicethe pause right and when
someone asks you for something,whether it's a favor, a meeting
or even just your time, pause,take a breath and ask yourself
(18:17):
do I actually want to do this,do I have the capacity for this?
Because you don't have to givean answer right away.
And I know sometimes, when wefeel like, if we pause, people
gonna be like, oh, she don'twant to do it and maybe that we
want to do it, but we trying tofigure out if we have the time
to do it right, and so let'stake that into consideration.
Okay, even when we ask someone,if they pause, it's not always
(18:37):
because they don't want to do it.
Maybe that they're trying tofigure out if they have the time
, the capacity to do it.
So, again, you don't have toanswer right away.
A simple let me check, checkand then I'll get back to you
can give you the space torespond instead of just reacting
(18:57):
.
Okay, two check your innerdialogue.
A lot of us say yes not becausewe want to, but because we feel
that we have to.
Have you felt that way I haveNow pay attention to your
thoughts when you're about toagree to something.
Are you thinking I really don'twant to do this, or is it more
(19:20):
like I don't want to disappointthem, I don't want to make them
mad, I don't want to leave themhanging and then they're going
to go talk about me, you know,let's let's really think about
what we are thinking when we'regoing through this process,
because that little shift ofawareness can make a huge
(19:43):
difference.
And if guilt shows up, remindyourself that you are taking
care of yourself, and takingcare of yourself is not selfish.
It's necessary.
Write that down.
Taking care of myself is notselfish, it's necessary.
(20:05):
Okay Now.
Third one Set small boundariesfirst.
Setting boundaries doesn't haveto mean making a huge, dramatic
, dramatic change overnight.
Okay, I want you to start small.
If you always pick up the extrawork, try saying I can't take
(20:26):
that on this time.
If you're always available totalk when someone needs to vent,
practice saying I'd love tosupport you, but I don't have
the emotional space for thisright now.
Have you felt that?
Is that easy enough to say?
Practice it truly.
(20:47):
Write this down.
I'll say it again if you'realways available to talk when
someone needs to vent, I wantyou to say I love to support you
, but I don't have the emotionalspace for this right now.
If that's truly how you feel,say that I would love to support
you, but I don't have anemotional or mental space for
(21:12):
this right now.
The more you do this, theeasier it gets.
Even if you practice in themirror, you practice when you're
driving a car, whatever, it isokay.
It gets easier with practiceand the best part, the people
who truly, truly, truly respectyou will adjust.
(21:33):
Yes, there's going to be somepeople who want to be like
they're going to go off orthey're going to go about their
own thing.
Don't take note of it seriously.
(21:57):
So now that we've covered thewhat and the why, I want to
leave you with a challenge,something you can apply this
week.
Are you ready?
Do you have a pen and paper out?
Do you have this downloaded forlater.
(22:19):
Are you thinking, oh, such andsuch should hear this, send it
to them, put this in the chat.
So are you ready?
Yet here it is.
Pay attention to how often yousay yes without thinking, and
every time you agree tosomething, take a second to
(22:40):
check in with yourself.
Ask do I genuinely want to dothis?
Am I saying yes because I feelobligated?
What would it feel like to sayno If you catch yourself about
to agree at a habit?
Try one of these responsesinstead.
(23:02):
Let me think about it and getback to you.
I'd love to help, but I don'thave the bandwidth right now.
That sounds great, but I haveto pass this time.
You might be surprised at howmuch power you take back just by
giving yourself space to choose.
(23:26):
So remember people, pleasingisn't who you are.
It's a pattern you've learned.
And the beautiful thing aboutpatterns they can be unlearned.
You can break, you can overcomethem.
With small shifts, a littlecourage and a lot of
(23:47):
self-compassion, you can startshowing up in your life in a way
that feels aligned to you, foryou, by you.
And this is not just with whatothers need, but with what you
(24:07):
need.
Isn't that something Now.
If this resonated with you thisepisode, I'd love to hear from
you.
So leave me a review with yourbiggest takeaway and then share
(24:30):
it on your Facebook or yourInstagram and tag me, or share
this episode with your groupchat.
Nowadays, everybody has groupchat.
I don't care if you haveFacebook group chat, instagram
group everybody has group chat.
I don't care if it's Facebookgroup chat, instagram group chat
(24:53):
, text messaging, group chat.
Share it, okay.
And if you're ready to godeeper into yourself, check out
wwwcrystaljanecom.
Forward slash breakthrough.
Wwwcrystaljanecom.
(25:16):
Forward slash breakthrough.
That's where you go when you'reready to dive deep into
breaking these patterns andstepping up into your full
potential.
We're talking about elevatingyour life, getting success with
fulfillment.
Yeah, you deserve that, andlet's get you there.
(25:39):
So I will see y'all next time.
And remember your needs matter,your voice matters, you matter
and and take care and I'll seeyou next episode.
Oh and, by the way, I got atreat for you next episode and
I'm pretty sure that you'regonna like it, so make sure that
(26:00):
you tune in.
This has been overcome.
Suffering and silence with me.
Krystal Jae bye.
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