August 26, 2025 • 20 mins
Jealousy and insecurity can silently sabotage even the most promising relationships, leaving us trapped in cycles of fear and doubt. But what if these painful emotions are actually signaling deeper wounds waiting to be healed?
Shanenn, who specializes in helping women overcome relationship jealousy, shares her powerful personal journey of growing up with an alcoholic father and the profound impact this had on her adult relationships. "If my own dad doesn't love me, why would anyone else?" This core belief led Shanenn down a path of relationship sabotage and staying in unhealthy situations far longer than she should have.
Through our conversation, Shanenn brilliantly clarifies the crucial difference between jealousy (fearing someone will take what you have) and envy (wanting what someone else has). She explains how these emotions manifest not just in romantic relationships but in friendships and even professional settings—particularly for entrepreneurs comparing themselves to others in their field.
The most transformative part of our discussion reveals how our subconscious programmed beliefs directly drive our behaviors. Shanenn shares her powerful 21-day reprogramming technique that works with your brain's Reticular Activating System (RAS) to establish new neural pathways. By identifying your core wounds and creating specific, evidence-based affirmations, you can literally rewire your thinking patterns. As Shanenn eloquently puts it: "Our struggle is in our story."
Whether you're currently struggling with relationship insecurity or simply want to understand the psychology behind these universal emotions, this episode offers practical tools for healing and growth. Take Shanenn's perspective-shifting reminder with you: "Besides my thoughts and feelings, I'm okay."
Ready to break free from jealousy's grip? Listen now and discover how to transform your relationship with yourself—and everyone else in your life. Then visit Shanenn at topself.com to take her attachment style quiz and access more resources for your healing journey.
Unlock the secrets to online business success with these FREE and low-cost resources from Nicole!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome back to the next episode of
Overcome Yourself, the podcast.
As you know, my name is Nicoleand I'm so excited to be here
today with Shannon.
Now, shannon has an incrediblestory, but I'm going to let her
take it away.
So, shannon, please introduceyourself, welcome and let us
know who you are, what you doand who you help.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Yeah, thank you so much, are what you do and who
you help.
Yeah, thank you so much.
I am excited to be here and Ireally want to thank you for
giving a space to talk aboutthis very spicy topic of
jealousy.
So that's who I help.
I help women overcome jealousyand insecurity in their
relationship.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
That is amazing.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Tell us more?
Yep, so you know my.
I grew up.
My father was an alcoholic, soI grew up in a super chaotic, um
, violent environment and myparents divorced when I was 12.
But you know, after that my dadkept promising to stop drinking
and sometimes he'd pick us up,sometimes he wouldn't, and we
(01:05):
didn't have much of arelationship.
I think I talked to him, youknow, a few times between 12 and
the age of 25, and then only afew times then, and then not
again until just recently, thelast three years of his life.
We were able to build thisbeautiful relationship, but it
wasn't always that way and youknow, growing up in that type of
(01:26):
environment you start torealize or feel like, oh,
sometimes love is really scaryand sometimes love feels good,
just depending on the situation.
And because we didn't have muchof a relationship, I would tell
myself my gosh, if my own daddoesn't love me, why would
(01:48):
anyone else?
And so I carried that beliefabout myself, that I wasn't
lovable, into my adultrelationships.
So I had very low self-worth.
I felt like I wasn't worthsomeone loving, and that caused
me to stay in relationships thatweren't good for me longer than
(02:09):
I should have and but tosabotage some relationships with
my jealousy.
So some relationships that mayhave been perfectly fine, but I
was sabotaging them with myrelationship because I was
afraid.
I was afraid of being abandonedand I didn't feel like I was
worthy of love, like why wouldsomeone stick around?
Speaker 1 (02:29):
That's really powerful.
In my book I talk about how Igrew up surrounded by alcoholics
.
I remember my grandpa.
Before he died he turned yellow, he was totally yellow, like a
Simpsons character, like it'snot even exaggeration, because
he was really yellow, um, andall he wanted was another beer,
um.
And so I know alcoholism, um.
(02:52):
But I also know, just because Igrew up surrounded by
alcoholics doesn't mean that mykids one day eventually that
I'll have them have to grow upsurrounded by alcoholics too.
So I commend you for yourjourney, like just for where you
are right now, cause I know, Iknow, I know, oh, please go
ahead.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I was going to say I'm so sorry you had to go
through that.
I'm wondering too, cause one ofthe things we notice is that we
get really hypervigilant.
So, especially living with andhaving a parent who is an
alcoholic like I, constantly Ican remember laying in my bed at
10, 11, 12 and listening sointently for, like when he was
(03:34):
going to come home, if he wasgoing to come home, if he did,
you know, it all made thedifference.
If he was loud, if he wentstraight to the bedroom, if he
hung out for a while, if I couldhear him make it like.
All of that I constantlylistened to to try to get an
idea then of what was going tohappen.
And that's sort of the otherthing that we can pull into our
(03:54):
adult relationships is this overhyper vigilance of looking for
every sign to indicate anydanger anywhere, and it's
certainly what I did when itcomes to jealousy in the
relationship too.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
And when you, when you're talking about
relationship we're talking abouthere romantic relationships,
right yeah?
Speaker 2 (04:14):
that's right.
Romantic relationships for themost part.
Now it can spill over intofriendships.
But that real attachment, whenyou've got some of these core
wounds, um, in these negativebeliefs about yourself, that's
going to come out.
And you know we call anattachment theory.
That's when you attach andthat's usually in romantic
relationships, but we see itfrom time to time in friendships
(04:37):
as well.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Well, can I ask you, what about jealousy in terms of,
like, online business ownerswho see other business owners,
maybe who are more successfuland they get that sting of
jealousy?
Is that something that youcould touch on for us?
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Yeah.
So I'm so glad that you broughtthis up because you know one of
the things.
I want to make sure peopleunderstand the difference
between jealousy and envy,because there are two very
different, distinct things.
So envy, and maybe a little bitmore of what you're talking
about when it comes to myneighbor has the car, like
(05:16):
they've got a better car than me, or they've got a better house,
or that person who got thepromotion, or, like you said,
maybe I'm looking at this personwho's in my industry, who's in
my niche, and they're so muchfurther ahead than me and I'm
comparing myself to that.
So envy is more I want whatsomeone else has.
(05:39):
Jealousy is I'm afraid someonewill take what I have.
But both of those, yeah, and alot of times, especially in
jealousy, you can have both.
So I could have a femalecoworker who I am both envious
and jealous of, or get jealousaround.
(05:59):
So a lot of that too has like,oh, I don't feel enough, that's
a big core wound for people, I'mnot enough, I'm not good enough
.
So I may feel like, oh, she'sprettier than me, smarter than
me, she has the better housethan me, she makes more money
than me, and so all of that canbe tangled in there envy and
jealousy, both.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
That's amazing and I love that, that distinction,
helping us understand thedifference, because they're very
, they're very closely related,I think jealousy and envy.
And so what about, what about?
Because when you think aboutwhen I when you said having
something taken away, um, whatabout when it comes to money?
(06:42):
What if somebody has that fearthat they're going to make a lot
of money and then that's goingto get taken away?
Is that a form of jealousy?
Can you talk to us a little bitabout that?
Speaker 2 (06:51):
It's a little bit different, but it certainly
could get into that space.
So if I am and a lot of timeswe can sabotage ourselves
because of the story so it allgoes back to the story.
So it may not come out the sameway in terms of the jealousy
that I work in, where I'mlooking at my partner's phone,
(07:14):
the email, all of that, but if Ihave a belief in my head, which
most of us do.
However, we grew up in thatmoney conversation that we had.
We're going to carry that intoadulthood.
So if I feel like, for example,if my core belief about money is
that it causes people to be notnice people or that there's you
(07:38):
know that people change whenthey have a lot of money, or you
know people get greedy when itcomes to money, I may, having
that belief in my head,unknowingly sabotage getting my
promotion, being an entrepreneurand starting my own business,
(07:59):
or going for it, as they say incertain ways, not knowing.
Oh, this is why I'm not makingprogress, this is why I'm not
making money in my business,because I have that belief.
So everything goes back to thebelief.
Our behaviors are a directcorrelation with our
subconscious, programmed beliefs.
(08:20):
So you have to change thebelief, to change the behavior,
and it's one of those sneakythings that people don't think
about, like oh, I'm not makingmoney in my business, it must be
my offer, it must be my pitch,it must be a whole slew of
things, when really it couldjust be the belief you have
about money or the belief youhave about yourself that you're
(08:41):
not worthy of it, you're notdeserving, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Wow, that's really powerful and that's a hard
conversation to have withyourself, but it's such an
important conversation.
So you mentioned the core woundof not being enough.
Can you tell us a little bitmore about how we can step into
that, how we can start feelinglike enough to do?
What you're saying is to beable to do those things,
(09:08):
overcome those patterns that wemight not even be aware are
there.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah.
So one really great tool that Ilearned from the personal
development school is to do whatis called auto-suggestion, or
reprogramming you can call iteither one.
So you want to take your corewound, which there's a whole.
There's a process of trying tofigure out what that core wound
is too, but it's usually likewhat is the thing you're most
(09:34):
afraid of in this situation, orwhat is the thing that you are
like afraid will happen, andthat will usually lead you back
to the core wound.
So, for example, if I'm jealousin relationships, well, the
thing that I'm afraid willhappen is my partner's going to
be taken away from me.
I will be abandoned, right,I'll be unloved, and those are
(09:56):
all core wounds.
I'll be abandoned, I'm unloved,I don't belong, I'm not good
enough.
So we can kind of trace it backto that point.
But then the way that corewounds are kind of formed is the
same way we reverse them.
So core wounds are formed.
I call them the three imprintelements.
(10:20):
So it's repetition plus emotionprograms, life's commotion,
every bit of it.
So it's what we witness, whatwe hear, emotion, every bit of
it.
So it's what we witness, whatwe hear and what we experience
through rapid like on repeat,Right.
So those core wounds got formed.
(10:40):
We use the example of me and mydad.
He constantly let me down,constantly let me know.
Oh, you know, I don't careabout you in this situation.
At least that's the way I tookit.
And so if I wanted to reversethose types of things, I'm going
to take my core wound.
I'm not enough, I'm not goodenough, I'm unloved.
And you take the opposite I amloved, I am good enough, I am
worthy.
And we do a series of coming upwith like 10 to 15 pieces of
(11:06):
evidence where you are goodenough, where you are worthy,
where you see that currently inyour life.
And then we do 21-dayreprogramming.
We start with 21 days, soyou'll go through each of those
and kind of, we read them toourselves, we anchor into the
experience.
So they have to be reallyspecific and that will usually
(11:28):
get our brains on the righttrack.
We have what is called RAS, areticular activating system, in
our brain.
So if I wanted to see the colorpurple today, if my thought was
like oh my gosh, purple, thecolor purple, I see it all the
time.
All I'm going to see, it'sgoing to filter out like other
(11:48):
colors and not really bring themto my attention.
But now I'm going to noticepurple.
And, for example, we see thiswhen you buy a new car, right,
it's like, oh, I maybe saw thatcar once or twice.
And now if I bought a Jeep, Isee Jeeps everywhere.
It's that's your RAS at play.
It's like filtering outeverything else because that's
(12:11):
what you think.
So when you're doing thisreprogramming and you're really
talking to your subconscious,which actually sees in in
imagery, right, not talking.
So that's why a lot of times wesay, like talk therapy or just
doing words of affirmation,those are fantastic but they may
(12:33):
not do the reprogramming ofyour subconscious because your
subconscious doesn't hear thosespecific words.
Like if I said I am not worthy,it's going to sound the same to
my subconscious as I am worthy.
It doesn't hear the word.
So I have to imagine and havethe imagery.
(12:53):
So when we write out thosepieces of evidence, we're
writing out specifics so I cango back and be like, yes, that
day I was worthy because this iswhat I did or this is what
happened, and I can see thatimagery.
And then we just repeat thatfor 21 days and a lot of times.
Then our RAS, that reticularactivating system will pick that
up and go oh, nicole's tryingto, you know, come up with
(13:15):
pieces of evidence where she'sshe's loved, and then you're
going to start seeing that moreand more and more.
So it kind of gives you a boostand helps you to keep that
reinforcement in your brain, youto keep that reinforcement in
your brain.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
I love that.
I talked about that in my bookas well, but I learned the name
the official name, like theright name for it after I'd
written the book.
But I called it red carsyndrome right, because that's
one of the, I guess, like thenicknames for it.
But it's exactly what you'retalking about.
When you pay attention tosomething, you tell your brain
red cars are important, all of asudden they're everywhere and
(13:52):
so, yes, that makes a lot ofsense.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
And it's really important to understand.
I mean, our brains arehardwired to be negative and
they're hardwired to beefficient.
So if I thought 10 negativethoughts about myself yesterday,
most likely I'm going to thinkeight to nine negative thoughts
about myself today.
Most likely I'm going to thinkeight to nine negative thoughts
about myself today too, becausethat's just how my brain is
wired.
That's the path right.
So if I, if I say, oh my gosh,you know I have this business
(14:19):
and I I, you know I failed atthis I'm going to keep telling
myself that until I can you know, can do some of that
reprogramming go wait a second,I'm not a failure.
And here are some other, youknow.
Here's some evidence of how I'mnot a failure.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Not only that.
Yeah, Okay, I was gonna.
I was having like sevendifferent thoughts at the same
time.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
That was a lot.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
So I want to ask you, before we sign off here, what
part does gratitude play inhelping us overcome jealousy or
envy, or helping us with theseroot emotions that we're working
through?
What do you think about that?
Speaker 2 (15:11):
That's such a great question, and I'm glad you
brought up gratitude because itplays such a big role.
I mean really in everything,but especially in this, for a
couple different, or a coupledifferent ways, I guess.
So one if you're feelingjealous and insecure in your
relationship most of the time,especially in the beginning, as
somebody is just now trying tolike, oh, how do I overcome this
(15:35):
, how do I start to manage this?
And as someone's just becomingaware, we then start to
understand, oh, this isn't mypartner's problem, this is my
problem.
And so we got to go back towhen we're in that we're
probably saying a lot ofnegative things about our
partners.
We have to go back to thatgratitude Like what, what is it
(15:55):
about this relationship or thisperson that I'm grateful for?
The other part is because ofwhat I just mentioned in terms
of your brain is going to gonegative if you let it, and that
is where it's like one of thesimple things.
But it isn't easy.
We just tend to let ourthoughts be our thoughts and we
think that our brain is beingtruthful, when most of the time
(16:21):
it is not, and so it's going togo to the negative things.
It's going to see negativethings that are happening much
louder than all the positivethings.
So we have to go back and gowait a second.
I'm starting to focus on allthese negative things.
What am I grateful for?
And then it's really like, okay, there's more of a balance here
(16:42):
in life versus on the negative,heavy side.
So I think gratitude is so bigfor people.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Yes, I agree, and one of the things that I was going
to say is that I think our braintends to veer towards negative
as a way to keep us safe, and sowe have to remember to also
thank our brain and be likethank you for trying to keep me
safe, but what I'm doing isgoing to help us be more safe.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Yes, so, good, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
Yes, cause I mean, that's, at the end of the day,
that's what those we have thosewounds, Right.
And so our brain is like, well,we have to stay safe, like this
hurts, we don't want it to hurt, yeah, yeah.
And so acknowledging and justthanking our brain and like like
we were just talking about justgratitude, just saying thank
you, so that is phenomenal.
(17:37):
I love that.
So, shannon, talk to us abouthow we can stay in touch with
you, like on social media, sure.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
So social media you could go to Instagram and I'm at
topselfco C-O or you could goto topselfcom.
That's the website.
There are some freebies onthere for people If they're just
starting in this journey.
You can take the attachmentstyle quiz and see how you
(18:05):
attach in relationships and howthat's affecting your
relationships, and lots of othergoodies on topselfcom.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
That is awesome.
Thank you so much for sharing.
And so, before we sign off, I'dlove to know what is like one
big tip that you have Like,what's like the tip that you
give your audience or yourclients that gives them, like,
the biggest aha moments.
We want to know.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
So this, this sort of statement, is not mine, but one
of the big things is to think,you know, besides my thoughts
and feelings, I'm okay, becausethat's where we get really
caught up, especially in thiswork of I'm letting my thoughts
(18:52):
run away with you know, they'respiraling out of control and I'm
letting them get away from me,so just realizing like, hang on,
it's just my thoughts andeverything else is okay.
I may have to make someadjustments or I may have to do
some things, but it's usuallythat story.
So our struggle is in our story.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
That is so powerful.
It made me think of theUntethered Soul, I believe, was
the book that I was reading, andit proposed the idea of seeing
yourself as separate from yourthoughts.
It was like take a passengerseat, like like go back and
observe, just observe whathappens.
(19:30):
And it was very interestingbecause I'd never thought of it
like that, I guess.
And but reading that book, it'sexactly what you were talking
about how you can like literallyobserve the thoughts and be
like Whoa, what, what was that?
Where did that come from?
Why did you just think thatlike that's a weird sentence,
(19:50):
you know, and like literally seewhat happens?
Um, because you are not yourthoughts.
Yeah, you are your thoughts,but you're not your thoughts.
Like it's kind of complicated,like quantum physics and whatnot
.
That's complicated, yeah right,so you are your thoughts right,
because what we're thinking, orbut then you're not your
thoughts, because you canobserve them, so, like it's like
(20:10):
, yeah, it is kind ofparadoxical, but it's also true,
um, and so, yeah, just payingattention and taking a step back
and observing, that's, that'shuge.
Well, thank you so much forjoining us today, shannon thanks
for having me, I had funawesome yay me too.
thank you so much.
Awesome Yay me too.
Thank you so much.
This has been wonderful and wewill catch you guys next time on
(20:31):
the next episode of OvercomingYourself, the podcast.
Bye.
Hello and welcome back to the next episode of
Overcome Yourself, the podcast.
As you know, my name is Nicoleand I'm so excited to be here
today with Shannon.
Now, shannon has an incrediblestory, but I'm going to let her
take it away.
So, shannon, please introduceyourself, welcome and let us
know who you are, what you doand who you help.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Yeah, thank you so much, are what you do and who
you help.
Yeah, thank you so much.
I am excited to be here and Ireally want to thank you for
giving a space to talk aboutthis very spicy topic of
jealousy.
So that's who I help.
I help women overcome jealousyand insecurity in their
relationship.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
That is amazing.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Tell us more?
Yep, so you know my.
I grew up.
My father was an alcoholic, soI grew up in a super chaotic, um
, violent environment and myparents divorced when I was 12.
But you know, after that my dadkept promising to stop drinking
and sometimes he'd pick us up,sometimes he wouldn't, and we
(01:05):
didn't have much of arelationship.
I think I talked to him, youknow, a few times between 12 and
the age of 25, and then only afew times then, and then not
again until just recently, thelast three years of his life.
We were able to build thisbeautiful relationship, but it
wasn't always that way and youknow, growing up in that type of
(01:26):
environment you start torealize or feel like, oh,
sometimes love is really scaryand sometimes love feels good,
just depending on the situation.
And because we didn't have muchof a relationship, I would tell
myself my gosh, if my own daddoesn't love me, why would
(01:48):
anyone else?
And so I carried that beliefabout myself, that I wasn't
lovable, into my adultrelationships.
So I had very low self-worth.
I felt like I wasn't worthsomeone loving, and that caused
me to stay in relationships thatweren't good for me longer than
(02:09):
I should have and but tosabotage some relationships with
my jealousy.
So some relationships that mayhave been perfectly fine, but I
was sabotaging them with myrelationship because I was
afraid.
I was afraid of being abandonedand I didn't feel like I was
worthy of love, like why wouldsomeone stick around?
Speaker 1 (02:29):
That's really powerful.
In my book I talk about how Igrew up surrounded by alcoholics
.
I remember my grandpa.
Before he died he turned yellow, he was totally yellow, like a
Simpsons character, like it'snot even exaggeration, because
he was really yellow, um, andall he wanted was another beer,
um.
And so I know alcoholism, um.
(02:52):
But I also know, just because Igrew up surrounded by
alcoholics doesn't mean that mykids one day eventually that
I'll have them have to grow upsurrounded by alcoholics too.
So I commend you for yourjourney, like just for where you
are right now, cause I know, Iknow, I know, oh, please go
ahead.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I was going to say I'm so sorry you had to go
through that.
I'm wondering too, cause one ofthe things we notice is that we
get really hypervigilant.
So, especially living with andhaving a parent who is an
alcoholic like I, constantly Ican remember laying in my bed at
10, 11, 12 and listening sointently for, like when he was
(03:34):
going to come home, if he wasgoing to come home, if he did,
you know, it all made thedifference.
If he was loud, if he wentstraight to the bedroom, if he
hung out for a while, if I couldhear him make it like.
All of that I constantlylistened to to try to get an
idea then of what was going tohappen.
And that's sort of the otherthing that we can pull into our
(03:54):
adult relationships is this overhyper vigilance of looking for
every sign to indicate anydanger anywhere, and it's
certainly what I did when itcomes to jealousy in the
relationship too.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
And when you, when you're talking about
relationship we're talking abouthere romantic relationships,
right yeah?
Speaker 2 (04:14):
that's right.
Romantic relationships for themost part.
Now it can spill over intofriendships.
But that real attachment, whenyou've got some of these core
wounds, um, in these negativebeliefs about yourself, that's
going to come out.
And you know we call anattachment theory.
That's when you attach andthat's usually in romantic
relationships, but we see itfrom time to time in friendships
(04:37):
as well.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Well, can I ask you, what about jealousy in terms of,
like, online business ownerswho see other business owners,
maybe who are more successfuland they get that sting of
jealousy?
Is that something that youcould touch on for us?
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Yeah.
So I'm so glad that you broughtthis up because you know one of
the things.
I want to make sure peopleunderstand the difference
between jealousy and envy,because there are two very
different, distinct things.
So envy, and maybe a little bitmore of what you're talking
about when it comes to myneighbor has the car, like
(05:16):
they've got a better car than me, or they've got a better house,
or that person who got thepromotion, or, like you said,
maybe I'm looking at this personwho's in my industry, who's in
my niche, and they're so muchfurther ahead than me and I'm
comparing myself to that.
So envy is more I want whatsomeone else has.
(05:39):
Jealousy is I'm afraid someonewill take what I have.
But both of those, yeah, and alot of times, especially in
jealousy, you can have both.
So I could have a femalecoworker who I am both envious
and jealous of, or get jealousaround.
(05:59):
So a lot of that too has like,oh, I don't feel enough, that's
a big core wound for people, I'mnot enough, I'm not good enough
.
So I may feel like, oh, she'sprettier than me, smarter than
me, she has the better housethan me, she makes more money
than me, and so all of that canbe tangled in there envy and
jealousy, both.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
That's amazing and I love that, that distinction,
helping us understand thedifference, because they're very
, they're very closely related,I think jealousy and envy.
And so what about, what about?
Because when you think aboutwhen I when you said having
something taken away, um, whatabout when it comes to money?
(06:42):
What if somebody has that fearthat they're going to make a lot
of money and then that's goingto get taken away?
Is that a form of jealousy?
Can you talk to us a little bitabout that?
Speaker 2 (06:51):
It's a little bit different, but it certainly
could get into that space.
So if I am and a lot of timeswe can sabotage ourselves
because of the story so it allgoes back to the story.
So it may not come out the sameway in terms of the jealousy
that I work in, where I'mlooking at my partner's phone,
(07:14):
the email, all of that, but if Ihave a belief in my head, which
most of us do.
However, we grew up in thatmoney conversation that we had.
We're going to carry that intoadulthood.
So if I feel like, for example,if my core belief about money is
that it causes people to be notnice people or that there's you
(07:38):
know that people change whenthey have a lot of money, or you
know people get greedy when itcomes to money, I may, having
that belief in my head,unknowingly sabotage getting my
promotion, being an entrepreneurand starting my own business,
(07:59):
or going for it, as they say incertain ways, not knowing.
Oh, this is why I'm not makingprogress, this is why I'm not
making money in my business,because I have that belief.
So everything goes back to thebelief.
Our behaviors are a directcorrelation with our
subconscious, programmed beliefs.
(08:20):
So you have to change thebelief, to change the behavior,
and it's one of those sneakythings that people don't think
about, like oh, I'm not makingmoney in my business, it must be
my offer, it must be my pitch,it must be a whole slew of
things, when really it couldjust be the belief you have
about money or the belief youhave about yourself that you're
(08:41):
not worthy of it, you're notdeserving, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Wow, that's really powerful and that's a hard
conversation to have withyourself, but it's such an
important conversation.
So you mentioned the core woundof not being enough.
Can you tell us a little bitmore about how we can step into
that, how we can start feelinglike enough to do?
What you're saying is to beable to do those things,
(09:08):
overcome those patterns that wemight not even be aware are
there.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah.
So one really great tool that Ilearned from the personal
development school is to do whatis called auto-suggestion, or
reprogramming you can call iteither one.
So you want to take your corewound, which there's a whole.
There's a process of trying tofigure out what that core wound
is too, but it's usually likewhat is the thing you're most
(09:34):
afraid of in this situation, orwhat is the thing that you are
like afraid will happen, andthat will usually lead you back
to the core wound.
So, for example, if I'm jealousin relationships, well, the
thing that I'm afraid willhappen is my partner's going to
be taken away from me.
I will be abandoned, right,I'll be unloved, and those are
(09:56):
all core wounds.
I'll be abandoned, I'm unloved,I don't belong, I'm not good
enough.
So we can kind of trace it backto that point.
But then the way that corewounds are kind of formed is the
same way we reverse them.
So core wounds are formed.
I call them the three imprintelements.
(10:20):
So it's repetition plus emotionprograms, life's commotion,
every bit of it.
So it's what we witness, whatwe hear, emotion, every bit of
it.
So it's what we witness, whatwe hear and what we experience
through rapid like on repeat,Right.
So those core wounds got formed.
(10:40):
We use the example of me and mydad.
He constantly let me down,constantly let me know.
Oh, you know, I don't careabout you in this situation.
At least that's the way I tookit.
And so if I wanted to reversethose types of things, I'm going
to take my core wound.
I'm not enough, I'm not goodenough, I'm unloved.
And you take the opposite I amloved, I am good enough, I am
worthy.
And we do a series of coming upwith like 10 to 15 pieces of
(11:06):
evidence where you are goodenough, where you are worthy,
where you see that currently inyour life.
And then we do 21-dayreprogramming.
We start with 21 days, soyou'll go through each of those
and kind of, we read them toourselves, we anchor into the
experience.
So they have to be reallyspecific and that will usually
(11:28):
get our brains on the righttrack.
We have what is called RAS, areticular activating system, in
our brain.
So if I wanted to see the colorpurple today, if my thought was
like oh my gosh, purple, thecolor purple, I see it all the
time.
All I'm going to see, it'sgoing to filter out like other
(11:48):
colors and not really bring themto my attention.
But now I'm going to noticepurple.
And, for example, we see thiswhen you buy a new car, right,
it's like, oh, I maybe saw thatcar once or twice.
And now if I bought a Jeep, Isee Jeeps everywhere.
It's that's your RAS at play.
It's like filtering outeverything else because that's
(12:11):
what you think.
So when you're doing thisreprogramming and you're really
talking to your subconscious,which actually sees in in
imagery, right, not talking.
So that's why a lot of times wesay, like talk therapy or just
doing words of affirmation,those are fantastic but they may
(12:33):
not do the reprogramming ofyour subconscious because your
subconscious doesn't hear thosespecific words.
Like if I said I am not worthy,it's going to sound the same to
my subconscious as I am worthy.
It doesn't hear the word.
So I have to imagine and havethe imagery.
(12:53):
So when we write out thosepieces of evidence, we're
writing out specifics so I cango back and be like, yes, that
day I was worthy because this iswhat I did or this is what
happened, and I can see thatimagery.
And then we just repeat thatfor 21 days and a lot of times.
Then our RAS, that reticularactivating system will pick that
up and go oh, nicole's tryingto, you know, come up with
(13:15):
pieces of evidence where she'sshe's loved, and then you're
going to start seeing that moreand more and more.
So it kind of gives you a boostand helps you to keep that
reinforcement in your brain, youto keep that reinforcement in
your brain.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
I love that.
I talked about that in my bookas well, but I learned the name
the official name, like theright name for it after I'd
written the book.
But I called it red carsyndrome right, because that's
one of the, I guess, like thenicknames for it.
But it's exactly what you'retalking about.
When you pay attention tosomething, you tell your brain
red cars are important, all of asudden they're everywhere and
(13:52):
so, yes, that makes a lot ofsense.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
And it's really important to understand.
I mean, our brains arehardwired to be negative and
they're hardwired to beefficient.
So if I thought 10 negativethoughts about myself yesterday,
most likely I'm going to thinkeight to nine negative thoughts
about myself today.
Most likely I'm going to thinkeight to nine negative thoughts
about myself today too, becausethat's just how my brain is
wired.
That's the path right.
So if I, if I say, oh my gosh,you know I have this business
(14:19):
and I I, you know I failed atthis I'm going to keep telling
myself that until I can you know, can do some of that
reprogramming go wait a second,I'm not a failure.
And here are some other, youknow.
Here's some evidence of how I'mnot a failure.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Not only that.
Yeah, Okay, I was gonna.
I was having like sevendifferent thoughts at the same
time.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
That was a lot.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
So I want to ask you, before we sign off here, what
part does gratitude play inhelping us overcome jealousy or
envy, or helping us with theseroot emotions that we're working
through?
What do you think about that?
Speaker 2 (15:11):
That's such a great question, and I'm glad you
brought up gratitude because itplays such a big role.
I mean really in everything,but especially in this, for a
couple different, or a coupledifferent ways, I guess.
So one if you're feelingjealous and insecure in your
relationship most of the time,especially in the beginning, as
somebody is just now trying tolike, oh, how do I overcome this
(15:35):
, how do I start to manage this?
And as someone's just becomingaware, we then start to
understand, oh, this isn't mypartner's problem, this is my
problem.
And so we got to go back towhen we're in that we're
probably saying a lot ofnegative things about our
partners.
We have to go back to thatgratitude Like what, what is it
(15:55):
about this relationship or thisperson that I'm grateful for?
The other part is because ofwhat I just mentioned in terms
of your brain is going to gonegative if you let it, and that
is where it's like one of thesimple things.
But it isn't easy.
We just tend to let ourthoughts be our thoughts and we
think that our brain is beingtruthful, when most of the time
(16:21):
it is not, and so it's going togo to the negative things.
It's going to see negativethings that are happening much
louder than all the positivethings.
So we have to go back and gowait a second.
I'm starting to focus on allthese negative things.
What am I grateful for?
And then it's really like, okay, there's more of a balance here
(16:42):
in life versus on the negative,heavy side.
So I think gratitude is so bigfor people.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Yes, I agree, and one of the things that I was going
to say is that I think our braintends to veer towards negative
as a way to keep us safe, and sowe have to remember to also
thank our brain and be likethank you for trying to keep me
safe, but what I'm doing isgoing to help us be more safe.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Yes, so, good, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
Yes, cause I mean, that's, at the end of the day,
that's what those we have thosewounds, Right.
And so our brain is like, well,we have to stay safe, like this
hurts, we don't want it to hurt, yeah, yeah.
And so acknowledging and justthanking our brain and like like
we were just talking about justgratitude, just saying thank
you, so that is phenomenal.
(17:37):
I love that.
So, shannon, talk to us abouthow we can stay in touch with
you, like on social media, sure.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
So social media you could go to Instagram and I'm at
topselfco C-O or you could goto topselfcom.
That's the website.
There are some freebies onthere for people If they're just
starting in this journey.
You can take the attachmentstyle quiz and see how you
(18:05):
attach in relationships and howthat's affecting your
relationships, and lots of othergoodies on topselfcom.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
That is awesome.
Thank you so much for sharing.
And so, before we sign off, I'dlove to know what is like one
big tip that you have Like,what's like the tip that you
give your audience or yourclients that gives them, like,
the biggest aha moments.
We want to know.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
So this, this sort of statement, is not mine, but one
of the big things is to think,you know, besides my thoughts
and feelings, I'm okay, becausethat's where we get really
caught up, especially in thiswork of I'm letting my thoughts
(18:52):
run away with you know, they'respiraling out of control and I'm
letting them get away from me,so just realizing like, hang on,
it's just my thoughts andeverything else is okay.
I may have to make someadjustments or I may have to do
some things, but it's usuallythat story.
So our struggle is in our story.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
That is so powerful.
It made me think of theUntethered Soul, I believe, was
the book that I was reading, andit proposed the idea of seeing
yourself as separate from yourthoughts.
It was like take a passengerseat, like like go back and
observe, just observe whathappens.
(19:30):
And it was very interestingbecause I'd never thought of it
like that, I guess.
And but reading that book, it'sexactly what you were talking
about how you can like literallyobserve the thoughts and be
like Whoa, what, what was that?
Where did that come from?
Why did you just think thatlike that's a weird sentence,
(19:50):
you know, and like literally seewhat happens?
Um, because you are not yourthoughts.
Yeah, you are your thoughts,but you're not your thoughts.
Like it's kind of complicated,like quantum physics and whatnot
.
That's complicated, yeah right,so you are your thoughts right,
because what we're thinking, orbut then you're not your
thoughts, because you canobserve them, so, like it's like
(20:10):
, yeah, it is kind ofparadoxical, but it's also true,
um, and so, yeah, just payingattention and taking a step back
and observing, that's, that'shuge.
Well, thank you so much forjoining us today, shannon thanks
for having me, I had funawesome yay me too.
thank you so much.
Awesome Yay me too.
Thank you so much.
This has been wonderful and wewill catch you guys next time on
(20:31):
the next episode of OvercomingYourself, the podcast.
Bye.
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