August 15, 2024 • 43 mins
Meg alerts everyone that the topic has gone missing. This week, the group admits that this past half-year of 2024 has been tough. They can't decide on what to talk about after feeling really exhausted getting through it all. Drea deals with chronic pain issues. Jess can't seem to tether down their ADHD. Tina talks about her ongoing battle with her mystery illness and the loss of her father at the beginning of July. Meg talks about knitting and its place in grief along with her experience losing her father. Compared to last year, Meg feels a bit lost on where to go and what to do.
Find out more about the podcast as well as our cast Meg, Drea, Tina, and Jess at our website pardonmystash.com. Leave us a comment on your thoughts on our episode blog posts, or through our social media accounts!
This episode was sponsored by Jimmy Beans Wool found at jimmybeanswool.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I'm Drea.
(00:01):
I'm Meg.
I'm Tina.
And I'm Jess.
And this is Pardon My Stash.
Welcome back to Pardon My Stash, a podcast about knitting within the fiber arts and how
awesome it is.
Before we dive in today, let's talk about what we are working on, Jess.
(00:22):
I'm still working on the Diège vest.
I am still working on the Diège vest by Yosei Pakwine.
I apologize if I'm butchering your name in the Wolf Hulk collection.
I am using Critical Hit Dice Artificer in leather, and I am going to be on this hem
(00:42):
for the next 12,000 years.
Okay, but like, if you look at it, like, it's really pretty, like the cable is gorgeous.
And she has not knitted on it in about four months because she got to the hem and was
(01:03):
like, nope, I'm not doing two inches of ribbing.
Okay, so I have to do two inches of ribbing.
I'm actually halfway through that.
And I'm getting there.
But it's two inches of ribbing.
And then after I cast off, which I think it's a stretchy bind off.
So that's good.
Yeah, it's a stretchy.
So that's going to take like another 12,000 years.
(01:26):
And then I had to pick up the collar and do like another ribbing section, which I don't
think it's as long as the hem, but it's still ribbing.
So 24,000 years.
So 24,000 years from now.
We'll have a Diège vest.
Maybe.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Well, I don't know.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Because 24,000 years, she will be picking up the stitches for the collar.
(01:49):
Oh yeah.
Because the first two parts were just the ribbing and the bind off.
You might have to leave instructions for the future generations.
Or I may just live forever until I get this done.
I don't know.
But so in the year, like 6024.
No, that's not enough years.
That's not enough years.
We're close.
(02:10):
We're getting there.
It is a good pattern.
Like there's a few confusing parts in it and it might just be the wording on the size that
I was doing.
And I did find out my issue with the chart was for some reason, like when I printed it,
it did something weird with the settings.
So it like printed a little off.
(02:32):
So that was not the pattern's fault.
That was for whatever reason, my printer being funky when it resized it.
But yeah, otherwise, the cables are beautiful.
Yeah, I, there was just looking at it.
I was like, wow, this was a lot more stockinette and ribbing than I thought it was when I chose
this pattern.
But I'm in it now.
I'm going to finish too far in too far too far too far to go in.
(02:53):
I am still working on the French can can by Mademoiselle C and I am using Madeline Tosh
yarn for the main body.
I use Tosh DK in home means Nevada and for the border, which I am now plugging away on,
I am using Tosh vintage in Ry bourbon and is plugging away.
(03:17):
I like the colors together.
I really got you.
And I'm still digging the cables, but it's, it's a lot of little back and forths and the
little back and forths are killing me.
How far are you?
This far.
Wow.
For our listeners reference, three inches.
Nah, it's about six.
(03:39):
I'd say six.
That's six inches.
Yeah.
I was about to say three.
What is wrong with my size reference?
Meg was right.
It's no Meg was wrong.
It is eight.
Oh, I have done eight inches.
Well, don't count me to measure anything because I thought that was three.
Geez.
On the other hand, I'm glad that you were wrong because oh my God, that would mean that
(04:00):
would be so far behind.
Tina I got nothing.
You got nothing.
Fair.
That's it.
That's fair.
Meg.
Um, I am working on Ocean Stones by Greta Menzen.
Um, I mentioned before that this was a project that I started in early 2023 and for a multitude
(04:25):
of reasons, I gave up on it.
Um, but the yarn and the pattern combo would not enjoy that.
Sorry.
I'm squishing.
No, I'm squishing.
I am enjoying it.
I would not get out of my head.
I really, I just wanted, I did not buy this yarn with this pattern in mind, but the minute
I saw it on Ravelry, I was like, that's exactly the yarn I want to use for it.
(04:49):
I'm using Fiberspates Vivaceous DK in the colorway Heavenly.
It's this really great like amalgamation of it looks gray from far away, but if you look
at it, it's got some lilacs, some blue, some pink.
Um, it's good yarn.
It's gorgeous.
It's, it's honestly one of the best yarns I've ever worked with.
(05:11):
It's super squishy.
Um, you got your little mini minder there.
I am this, this has been the like absolute lifesaver of my summer, um, because I have
been wanting to knit, but I also want to get my steps in, um, and walk.
So what I've been doing, and especially when I had COVID, um, a few weeks ago and couldn't
(05:35):
really leave the house, I just looped it, loop it over my wrist and I just literally
pace my house knitting and it's fantastic.
It holds my yarn.
Um, the only downside is that, um, because I, and I think you have to with the mini minder,
um, I pull my yarn from the outside of the ball.
Sometimes the yarn does fall and I'll also look down and I've got like four feet of string
(06:00):
dangling behind me and Mira is like, well, that's awesome.
Look at that.
And she starts to chase.
Um, but again, it takes me all of three seconds to stop and wrap it around.
I cannot recommend this thing more.
I got it from Jimmy beans, wool.com.
They have a whole bunch of different types.
Um, but this thing is amazing.
I have not actually used it to walk around outside yet because it is just too hot, but
(06:25):
I am absolutely when the weather gets cold, I'm going to be that guy, um, taking walks
with, um, with my mini minder and my knitting.
Absolutely.
It's really fun.
Be sure to check out our website, pardon my stash.com for more information about our patterns
and projects and be sure to check out Jimmy beans, wool at jimmy beans, wool.com for the
(06:47):
mini minder and, um, also the yarn that Drea listed in her project, the Madeline Tosh DK.
So tonight we don't really have a topic.
Oh no, we don't.
You're not going to do, where did it go?
We're going to wing it.
We're going to wing it tonight.
To be, we do everything else in life.
(07:08):
Wing it like everything in your life.
Hey, this whole podcast was a wing.
It really was.
Um, so in the interest of complete transparency, we sat down tonight, uh, to talk about what
we were going to discuss on the podcast.
And after about 45 minutes, tossing ideas around and looking back on our history of
(07:29):
recording and realizing that we really tend to do better when we are not forcing a topic
that we're not feeling.
We decided tonight that we were going to be a little bit real.
We're still going to be talking about knitting, but we are going to be honest.
We are about halfway, a little more than halfway through 2024.
So we're going to be taking a look back at the last few months, talk about a little bit
(07:52):
like how we got to this point, what's been good, what's been less than good and where
we're kind of looking to go for the rest of the year.
Um, we're coming up on our hundredth episode in a couple of months and we are ramping up
to that.
We're super excited about it.
So kind of taking a minute or, you know, several minutes tonight to kind of reflect on what
(08:13):
we've been doing.
Um, we had to, at the beginning of the year, move our podcast from weekly episodes to two
episodes a month.
A couple of times this year we have had to put the podcast on hold.
So kind of talking a little bit tonight, being real with you and being transparent about
where we are, where our projects are at, like not the projects we're working on, but kind
(08:37):
of our body of work in general.
And we're going to be taking this for the rest of the year.
The year has been kind of up and down, lots of up and downs for everybody.
Yeah, I know.
It's like these bursts of crazy productivity and then nothing.
I don't know.
That's mainly how I feel.
I'm feeling like the yo-yo of like crazy productivity.
(09:01):
When said the yo-yo going right back up, you know, it hits the floor and it falls out of
your hand, rolls under the couch and you have to kind of like get all that back before you
start your.
And then you like pull it, you see it from under the couch, but then it rolls back some
more and you're like, crap.
And you're just, you're just like reaching.
Honestly, the way I've been looking, I like feeling a lot of ways this year.
It's like, and I think many of you know what I'm talking about and you say you, you are
(09:25):
all excited to start a project.
You're super pumped.
You pull out your Swift and your ball winder or you're winding my hand and you're getting
all pumped and then all of a sudden you get a massive knot in the yarn, in the Hank.
And if you're like me, you're real dramatic about it.
(09:46):
And then, you know, you spend X amount of time untangling it.
You finally get the ball back and then you sit there and go, well, now I don't want to
do it.
And that's kind of been out of here.
Well, now I just, I have lost all my momentum, all of my dry like, and I'll come back to
(10:07):
it.
Like it will happen, but it's going to take me some time to really get jazzed up about
this again.
I have not been jazzed about knitting like all year.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've had, I had a really rough like first half of the year, like personally speaking,
I had a lot of problems with pain management.
(10:28):
Not my fault.
Definitely not.
Definitely not.
But going through different pockets of really intense pain and then having to recover from
that and then having it happen a second time, needing to have more capacity to get through
my day than to put towards hobbies and projects.
(10:49):
And I don't even want to say it like this, but it felt like knitting was almost like
a punishment for me for a little while because I felt like I needed to, I needed to do stuff
and I did get my, my arachnish all done and I'm very happy with completing that.
You should be.
It's the only thing that I finished this year.
I didn't finish mine.
(11:09):
I know.
But you will.
I will.
At one, at one point you will, but it's just, it's, it's been rough and the last like maybe
two or three weeks I've had some kind of drive to do something, but it has not been it for
me this year.
And that makes me very sad, but I think, I think it's making a comeback, but it's just
(11:32):
been unfortunately knitting is not one of those things that you can kind of like fake
it till you make it.
It's really not.
You can try to fake it, but you also shouldn't.
Like it's a hobby.
Like your heart, if your heart isn't in it, right.
It's not like you don't have to do this, but it can feel like it because it's, it's frustrating
(11:54):
being like, but this is my joy.
Like why am I not enjoying the thing that brings me so much pleasure?
And maybe if I keep doing it, right.
And the joy will come, right.
And it didn't, but, but, but you feel like it should.
Yes.
You feel like it should.
And then I think that that should also makes it that much worse because now you're putting
(12:15):
extra extra expectations.
Yeah.
And you're disappointed because the thing that should be making you happy is not, is
just not, I know it's frustrating.
It's been, it's been frustrating.
Now that I'm finally like picking stuff up again and you know, wanting to do stuff, it's
summer.
Yes.
Not the ideal knitting time.
And I don't care so much that it's hot out.
(12:37):
Like I've got, I've got things with temperature, like temperature doesn't bother me anymore,
but I still get the sweaty hands.
Right.
It's not the ideal time to be using wool.
No, it's just not.
I feel like I'm going to have a major comeback for like fall though.
I'm holding out for fall.
(12:57):
I think it's going to be socks.
You know, it has been so long.
When was the last pair?
Was it like 2021?
Was it when we did the football socks?
Is that the last pair of socks?
I think that's the last pair of socks.
Yeah.
It's been way too long.
It's three years.
That's a long time for socks.
I feel like there's going to be a Sunday swing coming up.
(13:17):
We see a wicked crop of Sunday swing on their way.
Oh, it's going to be so good.
Here we go.
You know, if, but that's the thing.
If someone, if there were ever a comfort knitting project.
Oh, that's it.
That's the one.
That's the one right there.
I've actually been spending a lot more time just like doing alternative things that make
me happy.
Like I reserve Sundays for, for Frank.
(13:42):
So it's just me and Frank on Sundays and we do ice cream Sundays.
I think that is delightful.
It is so delightful.
And each Sunday we will go for a hike in the morning and then we will pick a different
small local ice ice cream shop in Connecticut and we will go there and we will get like
(14:03):
delicious, handmade, homemade ice cream.
And it's just, it's been amazing.
I love that for you in the best sense.
Like I know, I know that that can be taken different ways, but I love that for you.
It's a fun activity.
And I love ice cream.
I don't know, man.
My, I have been so incredibly distracted by everything.
(14:29):
Focus days are great and I get a ton accomplished in them.
And I don't know what I do half the time.
Like I'm sitting here trying to remember like, what have I done?
You've done about seven projects.
I have done a lot of projects since you had surgery.
Like that was the best time to do them.
And I mean, I played a lot of Zelda.
(14:50):
So I had that going for me for a while, but it was like, I was doing that.
And then I finished like defeating something that I've been trying to for a while.
I'm like, yeah, now I'm going to knit.
And then I was on knitting for a while.
And then, I don't know, I went off and did something else for a bit because there was
like a gap.
There was a gap between one of my color work projects.
(15:10):
And then the next one I picked up.
You were felting.
Oh yeah, I was felting.
So I made a few more borbs and then, and I stopped that for a while.
And then we died for a bit.
Like yarn not died.
Wow.
I missed that.
Just throwing that out there for anyone that's like, wait, what?
(15:31):
I had Legos for a while.
That was great.
Legos was a good time.
And the birds, we got more bird feeders up that bear knocked down and squished.
And we just got some new bird feeders.
So I've been watching birds.
It's the most random tension of things.
(15:52):
It's funny.
Guys, we've got no hatches and runs now.
It's amazing.
And three different types of peggers.
Wondering what it's like to live in this house.
This is what it's like.
Yeah, I'm getting a little.
Hopefully tonight, like there's a lot of zero to nine thousand.
No in between.
You know what, Jess, for all of those things.
(16:14):
Congratulations.
So I was thinking to myself, did I make anything this year?
And then I realized I did make things, but I gave them all away.
Like every single one.
I didn't make anything for myself.
You got the chicken.
Yeah, you made the chicken.
No, my mom has the chicken now.
My mom has that chicken and the rainbow chicken went to Jojo.
(16:39):
So time to make another chicken, I guess.
Yeah, I have like seven in progress chickens right now.
I finished them up.
They got I have two that have faces and their little.
Oh, they called cobs or I think on the top of their head, their head glove.
Yes, their head glove and their missing tails.
And then I have a bunch that need faces and tails.
(17:04):
We're going to go with head glove, Meg.
Don't get mad.
I'm not a biology teacher.
I don't actually know the name and I'm sitting here like I just can't remember it.
Somebody's going to tell us.
I'm sure.
I'm sure.
And you know what?
Congratulations.
The person who could correct us about head gloves.
OK, so the gobble cobble.
OK, it's the gobble cobble.
(17:25):
I can't do this scientific name right there.
Last project I finished on Ravelry was the Funfetti sweater for my daughter.
That was a good one.
That was a cute sweater.
It's an ad.
The pattern is like an adult size sweater.
And I, you know, resized it down to fit a child.
(17:48):
She really loves that sweater.
And then non Ravelry is just been mostly chickens.
Probably if not all chickens, I think it's just been chickens.
I love the chickens, though.
Yeah, they're like they're easy wins.
They don't take very long to make.
You can literally use any yarn you have in your stash.
(18:10):
The only ones that you kind of have to make a certain color are like the tail to match
the body.
The eyes and the beak should probably be eyes and be colored and and the head gloves got
to be red.
The gobble gobbles.
Well, we've always said to like it's not it's not how many you finish.
Oh, yeah.
(18:30):
Like we're not.
It's just that you did it.
But it is frustrating when you've had like a drought.
It's frustrating.
You know, there's not a deadline.
There's no like we don't we don't have to do this.
Yeah, it's not a job.
I'm not gonna lie.
I did almost this entire body in like a day.
Some days be like that.
Some days it do.
And you know what?
Now the borders, the border is to be fair, borders kind of suck.
(18:55):
I just I just did the math and for the number of stitches that I have for the border, I'm
going to have to do this repeat 26 times.
It be like that.
Congratulations.
Let me just put some applause.
Is that from my basic math skills?
Yes, I'm very proud of you.
Very proud of you.
Yeah, so for me, beginning of the year, I was recovering from a stroke like event.
(19:21):
It wasn't a stroke.
We found that out, at least.
But I've been in like a lot of different diagnostic testing, trying to figure out what the heck
is going on with my left side.
When we and if you saw me at Reinbeck in October last year, then you may have noted that I
was having a very hard time moving around because it had literally just happened like
(19:43):
what the week before it was like.
Yeah.
And dear, dear Frank was pushing me everywhere in my wheelchair.
He was such a superhero that day.
He was like, no, this is my job.
Okay.
You took it very seriously.
But yeah, so it took a while for me to get back to like walking on my own without needing
like a walker assistance.
(20:03):
I mean, I still use the cane from time to time.
If I have good days, I have bad days.
So a lot of that beginning of the year was that's why I have like projects in my ravelry
because like the beginning of the year, I was actually using it as a form of like occupational
therapy to get my left hand to like respond.
(20:26):
So knitting was actually like when I told them I was a knitter, he was like, yeah, do
that.
Do that.
That's going to be your physical therapy.
I'm like, okay.
So, so I've been, you know, was trying to do that for a while.
The year was kind of tough for me in general so far.
But yeah, I'm not in a knitting mood right now just because I lost my father at the beginning
(20:50):
of the month.
And I was very close to my father.
And I don't know, I just, I feel like I've just had like so many things going on, like
trying to like help with all of that because my brother also passed like 10 years ago.
So it's just really like me and my mom.
(21:12):
And I'm trying to like make sure that, you know, she's all set with everything.
So I've been so like attention wise, I've been completely diverted to like paperwork.
That's the best way I can express it is just papers, doing papers about papers and legal
and papers and more papers.
(21:34):
Well, the hobbies will be there for you when you're ready to return to them.
Yeah, it's just like, honestly, like I don't, I have like zero like a negative energy.
Like I even, I like put my chickens out and all I have to do is give this chicken a face
and it's a very simple way to like put the face on.
(21:54):
And I'm just like, it's just not there.
It's just not there.
That was me for like the entire first half of the year.
Yeah.
So I keep pulling them out and then I put them back in the bag when I realized this today
is not the day.
And there were a lot of days where I'd pull out my knitting.
I do like a quarter of a row and I'd be like, okay, that's it.
(22:15):
Yeah.
So I don't know where this whole thing came from.
But I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I definitely did that there is a kind
of a mythos around knitting and grief or crafting and grief.
There are so many books, mostly fiction written about knitting being like this great healer.
(22:37):
And I found that was not the case.
No, I did not knit for about 18 months after my dad passed.
Yeah.
And I, and I don't think there's a norm, but I also, I also found that really frustrating
because back to the idea of like, this is my joy, why am I not doing what makes me happy?
(22:57):
I think there is kind of like an expectation of like, when you are grieving, throw yourself
into the things that you like and that will make it better.
And I don't think that is necessarily the case.
I agree with that.
Yeah.
Now see, I am a grief knitter.
You taught me to knit while I was grieving because I needed something to do.
(23:20):
And I took to knitting like fish to water and I hyper focused on it to the point that
I was using it as a way to not actually deal with the grief.
It was a redirective, but it didn't, I don't want to say it helped me through the grief,
but it distracted you delayed.
(23:44):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't think there's like, again, putting the expectation on things one way or another,
but I was kind of surprised.
And I was very surprised, you know, years before I had ever experienced a loss like
that, being like, wow, why is every single knitting book about people knitting after
something awful has happened to them?
(24:05):
Like, is that a thing?
And I'm sure it is.
I'm sure it is.
I'm sure for some people it's like, but it's not universal.
It's not universal at all.
I did.
I would like when everything kind of went down, I was actually, I was bringing a knitting
bag with me whenever I would like, I was basically spending like every day at my mom's.
(24:27):
So it was like just bringing one with me just in case for some reason I felt like I needed
to.
Um, I never pulled it out.
It was just, I don't know, but it was your emotional support project and it was there.
Yeah, it was there.
It would, but I just, I never pulled it out.
And then, um, I think I even brought it with me to the funeral on the wake, never pulled
(24:48):
it out.
And I definitely had mine in the car.
Yeah, I don't know, but like it just, yeah.
And then I've, you know, I do, I carry it's the, my high vis beanie because it's easy.
It's just too, too, too, too, just over and over and over again.
So it's easy to just kind of mindlessly knit it, but I have no, no desire to like pick
(25:12):
up needles right now, which is hard because like when you have like, you know, I have
this Instagram account that's all about fiber arts and about me making like funny jokes
about fiber arts.
And then like, I am, I am right now feeling like the direct opposite of all of that.
Like I don't want to knit and I definitely don't feel like making funny jokes about knitting
(25:36):
right now.
So it's just like, so I ended up posting a real because like I felt bad because I was
getting all these messages of people asking me how I was.
And I just felt like I needed to be honest about like where I was at.
Like it's, you know, I'm not like saying I quit.
I just, I just need to like refocus for a bit and see what happens and you know, going
(26:02):
from there.
It's just hard because like, and it's like dealing with, you know, obviously my, my father's
passing and then dealing with my own medical problems, which are still ongoing.
And I'm still doing all this diagnostic testing and fighting with insurance and dealing with
like all these different things with that.
And, and then I found out that my dog has a benign malignant tumor near his kidney and
(26:30):
we're not doing anything for it because he's 11 and there's no reason to put him through
that.
So like, I just felt like I had a bad cupcake and then it just, it started stacking and
then I just, I just, I'm staring at a stacked bad cupcake tower.
Then I'm just like, I don't slowly sliding apart.
(26:52):
Yeah.
I'm just like, I don't feel like I actually have to say like, even my therapist told me
like I'm handling it really well.
Like in general, like I'm, I'm grieving when I need to grieve.
I'm crying when I need to cry doing all that, but like, I'm not, I'm not necessarily like
catastrophizing and I'm not like going into some deep hole and I'm not, I'm still like
(27:17):
functional.
I can still like get up every day and like take a shower and get dressed and you know,
do I take my moments in the shower?
Absolutely.
Do I take my moments when I go to sleep?
Absolutely.
Like I'm not like dysfunctional right now and you don't have the time to handle all
(27:37):
of that and do crafting on top of that.
Yeah.
I think that's kind of, it's like, I just, even when I'm like, okay, I have a minute.
It's like the minute is to like, go like take care of my bills or something.
Cause like I haven't done because I'm doing like all this other stuff.
So it's just a lot of stuff.
(27:58):
And also like, I thought I would be better about like going places and going and seeing
like other people.
And you know, I always bring my knitting whenever I go to any kind of social event, because
usually I don't want to socialize and I will, you know, just be behind my knitting and they'll
be like, oh yeah, that's Tina.
She's just over there.
She's really nice, but she usually doesn't, you know, come out of the knitting bag.
(28:23):
But like even going to like those kinds of things, it was just like weird.
It felt so weird.
Like being at any kind of social gathering or anything.
So not with you guys.
I don't know why.
I don't know why the podcast doesn't put me off at all, but it really doesn't.
I feel like maybe it's just so comfortable to be at the podcast and the lack of expectation
(28:46):
to perform.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
Cause this is our nit night.
We're just going to hang out.
And then there's no, um, there's no burden of expectation to be a certain way or act
a certain way.
Nope.
So that's why it's easy to chat on here.
(29:07):
Release my skeletons.
That's how they come out.
But yeah, I'm fine.
Like I don't want everyone going like, please don't like bombard me with like, oh my God,
like I'm so sorry.
I get it.
I'm good.
I just, it is a lot and knitting is not the chickens will have to wait.
(29:31):
They'll be there when you're ready.
Chickens will have to wait.
They're just going to have to sit on the shelf and wait for me to figure my life out one
day.
I had a really good year in 2023.
I felt really good about the way things had worked out.
(29:54):
Just realizing that I loved to hike and climbing Lafayette and kind of that culminated the
end of like three years or three and a half years of trying to kind of deal with, with
my dad's passing.
This past year has been a lot of, okay, now what?
And balancing a lot of work obligations with family obligations.
(30:20):
I'm in my fifth year of teaching, which fingers crossed means I'm tenured in the fall, which
is really exciting.
I haven't gotten a confirmation for that.
Well, yeah, I know we can yank that back if I don't.
They said there's no reason why I shouldn't, but I, you know, you know, you know, you like
to see those things.
(30:41):
Like, yeah, I want to see you in writing.
But that's come on the wave of going back to school.
And I feel like I missed a lot of things in the three years, four years, four years that
I was kind of trying to figure myself out.
(31:01):
And I really felt like the first, like from 2019 to 2023, I was kind of just floating
and just kind of existing.
2023, I started to kind of come out of my shell again and find things that I liked to
do and start to actually take care of myself as a person, realizing that I had let so much
(31:22):
of myself go.
I was completely sedentary.
I had really not think thought about anything that I really, you know, aside from knitting
that I really liked to do.
And I spent a lot of time focusing on my kid because that's what you do.
It is what you do.
But it was also like not not to bring up a really painful topic, but like the realization
(31:50):
after my dad passed, I'm like, I cannot stop.
I have a I had a 10 week old child.
Like I have got to keep moving.
I cannot stop.
My world will not stop.
And I really think that I kind of like zeroed in on her and I made her like my whole everything.
(32:10):
And it was like all of a sudden in the last few months, it was like I opened my eyes and
I'm like, this is a child.
She is not a baby.
She is not helpless.
Like I'm watching this kid problem solve and figure things out.
Sent her to camp this week and I was so anxious dropping her off.
I'm like, oh my God, is she going to cry?
(32:31):
I had to practically pry her out of the seat to come home every day.
She had a blast.
Like she is so independent.
And then realizing like, OK, she is fine.
I need to figure out now, like personally and academically and career wise, I need to figure
(32:52):
out what I'm doing with my life independently of not to say completely independently of
my child because she is five.
She's not a teenager, but she doesn't need the hovering anymore.
And honestly, worrying more that I'm doing her a detriment by hovering because for so
long it was like, well, I can't I can't do this.
(33:13):
I can't think this.
I have got to.
This is this is my whole little world.
And that's also not the kind of I don't I did not want her to grow up thinking like
you are the only thing in my life.
Like you are I am a person independent of you.
I have interests.
I have friends.
I have hobbies.
(33:33):
So totally relate.
Yeah.
This summer has been a lot.
And unfortunately, then, you know, this summer was kind of crazy because I got covid and
then I started hiking again.
I'm pretty sure I have plantar fasciitis in my foot.
So that's been fun.
So I haven't been able to like hike as much as I wanted to and do as much as I wanted
to.
And then kind of like that almost felt almost a little bit like some pressure off of I spent
(33:58):
a lot of my time like moving my focus from my child to hiking.
And now it's like I'm being forced to be like, OK, what who actually am I when I am not throwing
myself completely into one thing or another and trying to find a more healthy work life
(34:19):
balance, independent of all of those things that I was kind of like fixating on to try
to not look at where I was going.
Like I felt like I woke up last September and I'm like, OK, I'm 40.
Like this is a whole new decade of my life.
And where am I going?
And I still don't quite know where I'm going.
But I feel like I'm getting a better grasp on where I want to go.
(34:42):
If that makes sense.
Yeah, I know.
I know it does.
No, it does.
Like I can totally relate to that feeling because I felt even prior to my father passing,
like this feeling of like, OK, who am I?
Because my the difference being that my kids are older than yours and they were nine going
(35:07):
on 14, very independent, which I was so happy that they felt confident to be themselves.
They knew how to take care of themselves to a degree.
Like they were very confident in the person that they were and they really didn't need
me on them all the time.
So then like, OK, so now what do I do?
Kind of like I've switched to like this part time working and it's like, I don't know if
(35:30):
that's like what I want to do forever.
And then like, yeah, having this like thought of like, what is Tina?
And then like with my dad passing and he's and what I would consider like a big piece
of Tina, like, OK, so now that's gone.
So like, what what is the rest of it?
(35:51):
Like, you know, who are we?
And I think that's a problem with and I don't know, I cannot speak for for the men folk
among us.
I don't know what it's like to be a guy and have male pressure as a female speaking from
female experience, like the idea that the expectation of, you know, being a wife, being
a mom, being like all of those roles and kind of the expectation of like doing it all, but
(36:15):
doing it seamlessly.
And don't complain and don't ever don't make it look hard because of course, we'll just
knit while the roast is in the oven.
And have the perfect hair and the perfect makeup and the perfect outfit.
Yeah.
But but then there is like a whole lot of like when you strip away those layers, who
(36:36):
is that person underneath?
And I don't even think that that needs to be a married thing or a but there is so much
expectation, I think, to whether you are married or not, a mother or not, to do it and make
it look easy.
Don't complain and don't think about what you want beyond that.
(36:57):
I guess it's kind of unsurprising to kind of figure out as things change, where am I
going and what am I doing?
If anything, it sounds like for everybody, it's been like such an unsure year, like just
kind of not really knowing what to feel or what to do or like switching from thing to
(37:19):
thing or like, you know, in Jess's case, like this thing, that thing, that thing.
And in Dre's case, you know, I don't like I can't physically do this and I don't like
have the mojo to do this.
And like, so what else do I do?
And you know how you're speaking on that.
Like I feel like it's just maybe that's why we're sitting here and taking 45 minutes to
(37:43):
come up with a topic because we are literally unsure about everything else.
How the heck are we going to be sure about a topic?
You know what I mean?
Well, there's a lot there's a lot going on.
Yeah.
And I mean, I will like we were saying beforehand, like all of us have still crafted in different
spheres.
Like, I didn't finish anything until June.
(38:05):
Nothing.
Listen, it's nothing until June.
Ma'am.
And it took me that long to get to get into the swing of knitting.
And I've you know, I feel I feel better now.
Like I want to do it.
But for the first like five months of the year, I think I cast five projects on.
It just wasn't happening.
And I think, you know, we talked earlier when when Dre was talking about how like the worst
(38:31):
thing you can do is be like, I'm doing this.
This is fun.
We're having fun.
I'm going to do this and I'm going to have fun.
And you're not going to have fun.
And that's kind of how we we got to that point in this episode of like we we love to do this
podcast.
We enjoy talking together.
We love to knit.
(38:53):
Sometimes it's just not all coming together.
It's just not coming together.
And we won't be here forever.
And we've done this long enough.
We know we won't be in this place forever.
However, I do think that I just walked into putting my project down for a while because
I have extra stitches.
Oh, no.
I hate that for you.
(39:17):
It's time to knit a hat or socks.
That's what it's time for.
I need some more.
A quick win.
I need some wherewithal to figure out like knit a preemie hat.
They go fast or go find like that yarn you've been dying to knit socks with and go throw
a Sunday swing pair on those needles and just do it.
(39:37):
I do severely miss the Sunday.
Just do it.
It'll make you feel good.
I know this is a deviation and I know this is going to be really hard for you to cast
on a second project while I have one.
I really think don't have palpitations.
I really think this will be good for you.
Yeah, I think it'll be good for you.
Fine if I just like stick in a bag somewhere and you can pretend that you don't have it.
(40:03):
I have corn.
I do have problems with object.
There you go.
I don't see it.
It doesn't put it in the bag and cast on some Sunday swing.
And you can just say, no, this is my only project.
And you know what?
We'll even go along with it for you.
We'll do that for you.
We will never ever mention this shawl.
We will not bring up until you cast off the socks and we'll be like, how's the shawl?
(40:23):
No pressure.
No pressure.
At least give me a week of sitting.
Wait until you post.
No, I was going to say, we'll give some time because we don't want a velvet nightmare moment.
Oh no.
We're not talking about that.
No.
So there needs to be time between the win and the reminder.
(40:45):
Yes.
Okay.
We'll give you lots of applause.
Sound effects.
You need time to appreciate.
If you like start now, you could have a sweet pair of Reinbeck socks.
That's true.
I could a sweet pair.
Oh, Reinbeck.
I'm so not prepared at all for that.
(41:08):
You know what?
That's okay.
Yeah.
It's not necessary.
I am not making a sweater.
I'm knitting the sweater I finished a year and a half ago that I didn't block until like
five months ago.
That's going to look really pretty though.
That's going to be my Reinbeck sweater.
I'm not knitting one for this year because it's just not happening.
Well yeah man, this may or may not be done right now.
No it's not because Reinbeck is not in 12,000 years.
(41:29):
Dark academia.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know, but I'm also a time traveler sometimes.
I will consider blocking the Celtic Myth shawl.
Oh my God.
Don't get crazy now.
I know.
Don't get crazy now.
I wish I had a sound pick that was like, wow.
We need one of those like from the like 1986, I'm sorry.
(41:51):
It's like, oh yeah.
Yeah.
That's the one we need.
Or we could just have you do it because that was pretty good.
Oh God.
It's all going to be okay.
Yep.
Wherever y'all are at this year, I think we can all collectively say July has been a roller
(42:12):
coaster in so many ways.
Yeah.
And we got, we got five months left.
We got five months left in 2024.
It's going to be, it's going to be good.
It's going to be good.
However, however it turns out.
We're going to focus on the positive things no matter how small they are.
Yep.
And it doesn't have to be a screaming win, you know?
No.
It can just be what it is and we're all going to be good.
(42:34):
It could be, I touched my own today.
Good job.
Good job, Dra.
Congratulations.
Oh God.
That's about all the time we have for this week.
For additional content and opportunities to connect with the cast, be sure to check out
our website at PardonMyStache.com and be sure to tune in next time for more fun, friends
(42:59):
and fiber at Pardon My Stache.
I'm Drea.
(00:01):
I'm Meg.
I'm Tina.
And I'm Jess.
And this is Pardon My Stash.
Welcome back to Pardon My Stash, a podcast about knitting within the fiber arts and how
awesome it is.
Before we dive in today, let's talk about what we are working on, Jess.
(00:22):
I'm still working on the Diège vest.
I am still working on the Diège vest by Yosei Pakwine.
I apologize if I'm butchering your name in the Wolf Hulk collection.
I am using Critical Hit Dice Artificer in leather, and I am going to be on this hem
(00:42):
for the next 12,000 years.
Okay, but like, if you look at it, like, it's really pretty, like the cable is gorgeous.
And she has not knitted on it in about four months because she got to the hem and was
(01:03):
like, nope, I'm not doing two inches of ribbing.
Okay, so I have to do two inches of ribbing.
I'm actually halfway through that.
And I'm getting there.
But it's two inches of ribbing.
And then after I cast off, which I think it's a stretchy bind off.
So that's good.
Yeah, it's a stretchy.
So that's going to take like another 12,000 years.
(01:26):
And then I had to pick up the collar and do like another ribbing section, which I don't
think it's as long as the hem, but it's still ribbing.
So 24,000 years.
So 24,000 years from now.
We'll have a Diège vest.
Maybe.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Well, I don't know.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Because 24,000 years, she will be picking up the stitches for the collar.
(01:49):
Oh yeah.
Because the first two parts were just the ribbing and the bind off.
You might have to leave instructions for the future generations.
Or I may just live forever until I get this done.
I don't know.
But so in the year, like 6024.
No, that's not enough years.
That's not enough years.
We're close.
(02:10):
We're getting there.
It is a good pattern.
Like there's a few confusing parts in it and it might just be the wording on the size that
I was doing.
And I did find out my issue with the chart was for some reason, like when I printed it,
it did something weird with the settings.
So it like printed a little off.
(02:32):
So that was not the pattern's fault.
That was for whatever reason, my printer being funky when it resized it.
But yeah, otherwise, the cables are beautiful.
Yeah, I, there was just looking at it.
I was like, wow, this was a lot more stockinette and ribbing than I thought it was when I chose
this pattern.
But I'm in it now.
I'm going to finish too far in too far too far too far to go in.
(02:53):
I am still working on the French can can by Mademoiselle C and I am using Madeline Tosh
yarn for the main body.
I use Tosh DK in home means Nevada and for the border, which I am now plugging away on,
I am using Tosh vintage in Ry bourbon and is plugging away.
(03:17):
I like the colors together.
I really got you.
And I'm still digging the cables, but it's, it's a lot of little back and forths and the
little back and forths are killing me.
How far are you?
This far.
Wow.
For our listeners reference, three inches.
Nah, it's about six.
(03:39):
I'd say six.
That's six inches.
Yeah.
I was about to say three.
What is wrong with my size reference?
Meg was right.
It's no Meg was wrong.
It is eight.
Oh, I have done eight inches.
Well, don't count me to measure anything because I thought that was three.
Geez.
On the other hand, I'm glad that you were wrong because oh my God, that would mean that
(04:00):
would be so far behind.
Tina I got nothing.
You got nothing.
Fair.
That's it.
That's fair.
Meg.
Um, I am working on Ocean Stones by Greta Menzen.
Um, I mentioned before that this was a project that I started in early 2023 and for a multitude
(04:25):
of reasons, I gave up on it.
Um, but the yarn and the pattern combo would not enjoy that.
Sorry.
I'm squishing.
No, I'm squishing.
I am enjoying it.
I would not get out of my head.
I really, I just wanted, I did not buy this yarn with this pattern in mind, but the minute
I saw it on Ravelry, I was like, that's exactly the yarn I want to use for it.
(04:49):
I'm using Fiberspates Vivaceous DK in the colorway Heavenly.
It's this really great like amalgamation of it looks gray from far away, but if you look
at it, it's got some lilacs, some blue, some pink.
Um, it's good yarn.
It's gorgeous.
It's, it's honestly one of the best yarns I've ever worked with.
(05:11):
It's super squishy.
Um, you got your little mini minder there.
I am this, this has been the like absolute lifesaver of my summer, um, because I have
been wanting to knit, but I also want to get my steps in, um, and walk.
So what I've been doing, and especially when I had COVID, um, a few weeks ago and couldn't
(05:35):
really leave the house, I just looped it, loop it over my wrist and I just literally
pace my house knitting and it's fantastic.
It holds my yarn.
Um, the only downside is that, um, because I, and I think you have to with the mini minder,
um, I pull my yarn from the outside of the ball.
Sometimes the yarn does fall and I'll also look down and I've got like four feet of string
(06:00):
dangling behind me and Mira is like, well, that's awesome.
Look at that.
And she starts to chase.
Um, but again, it takes me all of three seconds to stop and wrap it around.
I cannot recommend this thing more.
I got it from Jimmy beans, wool.com.
They have a whole bunch of different types.
Um, but this thing is amazing.
I have not actually used it to walk around outside yet because it is just too hot, but
(06:25):
I am absolutely when the weather gets cold, I'm going to be that guy, um, taking walks
with, um, with my mini minder and my knitting.
Absolutely.
It's really fun.
Be sure to check out our website, pardon my stash.com for more information about our patterns
and projects and be sure to check out Jimmy beans, wool at jimmy beans, wool.com for the
(06:47):
mini minder and, um, also the yarn that Drea listed in her project, the Madeline Tosh DK.
So tonight we don't really have a topic.
Oh no, we don't.
You're not going to do, where did it go?
We're going to wing it.
We're going to wing it tonight.
To be, we do everything else in life.
(07:08):
Wing it like everything in your life.
Hey, this whole podcast was a wing.
It really was.
Um, so in the interest of complete transparency, we sat down tonight, uh, to talk about what
we were going to discuss on the podcast.
And after about 45 minutes, tossing ideas around and looking back on our history of
(07:29):
recording and realizing that we really tend to do better when we are not forcing a topic
that we're not feeling.
We decided tonight that we were going to be a little bit real.
We're still going to be talking about knitting, but we are going to be honest.
We are about halfway, a little more than halfway through 2024.
So we're going to be taking a look back at the last few months, talk about a little bit
(07:52):
like how we got to this point, what's been good, what's been less than good and where
we're kind of looking to go for the rest of the year.
Um, we're coming up on our hundredth episode in a couple of months and we are ramping up
to that.
We're super excited about it.
So kind of taking a minute or, you know, several minutes tonight to kind of reflect on what
(08:13):
we've been doing.
Um, we had to, at the beginning of the year, move our podcast from weekly episodes to two
episodes a month.
A couple of times this year we have had to put the podcast on hold.
So kind of talking a little bit tonight, being real with you and being transparent about
where we are, where our projects are at, like not the projects we're working on, but kind
(08:37):
of our body of work in general.
And we're going to be taking this for the rest of the year.
The year has been kind of up and down, lots of up and downs for everybody.
Yeah, I know.
It's like these bursts of crazy productivity and then nothing.
I don't know.
That's mainly how I feel.
I'm feeling like the yo-yo of like crazy productivity.
(09:01):
When said the yo-yo going right back up, you know, it hits the floor and it falls out of
your hand, rolls under the couch and you have to kind of like get all that back before you
start your.
And then you like pull it, you see it from under the couch, but then it rolls back some
more and you're like, crap.
And you're just, you're just like reaching.
Honestly, the way I've been looking, I like feeling a lot of ways this year.
It's like, and I think many of you know what I'm talking about and you say you, you are
(09:25):
all excited to start a project.
You're super pumped.
You pull out your Swift and your ball winder or you're winding my hand and you're getting
all pumped and then all of a sudden you get a massive knot in the yarn, in the Hank.
And if you're like me, you're real dramatic about it.
(09:46):
And then, you know, you spend X amount of time untangling it.
You finally get the ball back and then you sit there and go, well, now I don't want to
do it.
And that's kind of been out of here.
Well, now I just, I have lost all my momentum, all of my dry like, and I'll come back to
(10:07):
it.
Like it will happen, but it's going to take me some time to really get jazzed up about
this again.
I have not been jazzed about knitting like all year.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've had, I had a really rough like first half of the year, like personally speaking,
I had a lot of problems with pain management.
(10:28):
Not my fault.
Definitely not.
Definitely not.
But going through different pockets of really intense pain and then having to recover from
that and then having it happen a second time, needing to have more capacity to get through
my day than to put towards hobbies and projects.
(10:49):
And I don't even want to say it like this, but it felt like knitting was almost like
a punishment for me for a little while because I felt like I needed to, I needed to do stuff
and I did get my, my arachnish all done and I'm very happy with completing that.
You should be.
It's the only thing that I finished this year.
I didn't finish mine.
(11:09):
I know.
But you will.
I will.
At one, at one point you will, but it's just, it's, it's been rough and the last like maybe
two or three weeks I've had some kind of drive to do something, but it has not been it for
me this year.
And that makes me very sad, but I think, I think it's making a comeback, but it's just
(11:32):
been unfortunately knitting is not one of those things that you can kind of like fake
it till you make it.
It's really not.
You can try to fake it, but you also shouldn't.
Like it's a hobby.
Like your heart, if your heart isn't in it, right.
It's not like you don't have to do this, but it can feel like it because it's, it's frustrating
(11:54):
being like, but this is my joy.
Like why am I not enjoying the thing that brings me so much pleasure?
And maybe if I keep doing it, right.
And the joy will come, right.
And it didn't, but, but, but you feel like it should.
Yes.
You feel like it should.
And then I think that that should also makes it that much worse because now you're putting
(12:15):
extra extra expectations.
Yeah.
And you're disappointed because the thing that should be making you happy is not, is
just not, I know it's frustrating.
It's been, it's been frustrating.
Now that I'm finally like picking stuff up again and you know, wanting to do stuff, it's
summer.
Yes.
Not the ideal knitting time.
And I don't care so much that it's hot out.
(12:37):
Like I've got, I've got things with temperature, like temperature doesn't bother me anymore,
but I still get the sweaty hands.
Right.
It's not the ideal time to be using wool.
No, it's just not.
I feel like I'm going to have a major comeback for like fall though.
I'm holding out for fall.
(12:57):
I think it's going to be socks.
You know, it has been so long.
When was the last pair?
Was it like 2021?
Was it when we did the football socks?
Is that the last pair of socks?
I think that's the last pair of socks.
Yeah.
It's been way too long.
It's three years.
That's a long time for socks.
I feel like there's going to be a Sunday swing coming up.
(13:17):
We see a wicked crop of Sunday swing on their way.
Oh, it's going to be so good.
Here we go.
You know, if, but that's the thing.
If someone, if there were ever a comfort knitting project.
Oh, that's it.
That's the one.
That's the one right there.
I've actually been spending a lot more time just like doing alternative things that make
me happy.
Like I reserve Sundays for, for Frank.
(13:42):
So it's just me and Frank on Sundays and we do ice cream Sundays.
I think that is delightful.
It is so delightful.
And each Sunday we will go for a hike in the morning and then we will pick a different
small local ice ice cream shop in Connecticut and we will go there and we will get like
(14:03):
delicious, handmade, homemade ice cream.
And it's just, it's been amazing.
I love that for you in the best sense.
Like I know, I know that that can be taken different ways, but I love that for you.
It's a fun activity.
And I love ice cream.
I don't know, man.
My, I have been so incredibly distracted by everything.
(14:29):
Focus days are great and I get a ton accomplished in them.
And I don't know what I do half the time.
Like I'm sitting here trying to remember like, what have I done?
You've done about seven projects.
I have done a lot of projects since you had surgery.
Like that was the best time to do them.
And I mean, I played a lot of Zelda.
(14:50):
So I had that going for me for a while, but it was like, I was doing that.
And then I finished like defeating something that I've been trying to for a while.
I'm like, yeah, now I'm going to knit.
And then I was on knitting for a while.
And then, I don't know, I went off and did something else for a bit because there was
like a gap.
There was a gap between one of my color work projects.
(15:10):
And then the next one I picked up.
You were felting.
Oh yeah, I was felting.
So I made a few more borbs and then, and I stopped that for a while.
And then we died for a bit.
Like yarn not died.
Wow.
I missed that.
Just throwing that out there for anyone that's like, wait, what?
(15:31):
I had Legos for a while.
That was great.
Legos was a good time.
And the birds, we got more bird feeders up that bear knocked down and squished.
And we just got some new bird feeders.
So I've been watching birds.
It's the most random tension of things.
(15:52):
It's funny.
Guys, we've got no hatches and runs now.
It's amazing.
And three different types of peggers.
Wondering what it's like to live in this house.
This is what it's like.
Yeah, I'm getting a little.
Hopefully tonight, like there's a lot of zero to nine thousand.
No in between.
You know what, Jess, for all of those things.
(16:14):
Congratulations.
So I was thinking to myself, did I make anything this year?
And then I realized I did make things, but I gave them all away.
Like every single one.
I didn't make anything for myself.
You got the chicken.
Yeah, you made the chicken.
No, my mom has the chicken now.
My mom has that chicken and the rainbow chicken went to Jojo.
(16:39):
So time to make another chicken, I guess.
Yeah, I have like seven in progress chickens right now.
I finished them up.
They got I have two that have faces and their little.
Oh, they called cobs or I think on the top of their head, their head glove.
Yes, their head glove and their missing tails.
And then I have a bunch that need faces and tails.
(17:04):
We're going to go with head glove, Meg.
Don't get mad.
I'm not a biology teacher.
I don't actually know the name and I'm sitting here like I just can't remember it.
Somebody's going to tell us.
I'm sure.
I'm sure.
And you know what?
Congratulations.
The person who could correct us about head gloves.
OK, so the gobble cobble.
OK, it's the gobble cobble.
(17:25):
I can't do this scientific name right there.
Last project I finished on Ravelry was the Funfetti sweater for my daughter.
That was a good one.
That was a cute sweater.
It's an ad.
The pattern is like an adult size sweater.
And I, you know, resized it down to fit a child.
(17:48):
She really loves that sweater.
And then non Ravelry is just been mostly chickens.
Probably if not all chickens, I think it's just been chickens.
I love the chickens, though.
Yeah, they're like they're easy wins.
They don't take very long to make.
You can literally use any yarn you have in your stash.
(18:10):
The only ones that you kind of have to make a certain color are like the tail to match
the body.
The eyes and the beak should probably be eyes and be colored and and the head gloves got
to be red.
The gobble gobbles.
Well, we've always said to like it's not it's not how many you finish.
Oh, yeah.
(18:30):
Like we're not.
It's just that you did it.
But it is frustrating when you've had like a drought.
It's frustrating.
You know, there's not a deadline.
There's no like we don't we don't have to do this.
Yeah, it's not a job.
I'm not gonna lie.
I did almost this entire body in like a day.
Some days be like that.
Some days it do.
And you know what?
Now the borders, the border is to be fair, borders kind of suck.
(18:55):
I just I just did the math and for the number of stitches that I have for the border, I'm
going to have to do this repeat 26 times.
It be like that.
Congratulations.
Let me just put some applause.
Is that from my basic math skills?
Yes, I'm very proud of you.
Very proud of you.
Yeah, so for me, beginning of the year, I was recovering from a stroke like event.
(19:21):
It wasn't a stroke.
We found that out, at least.
But I've been in like a lot of different diagnostic testing, trying to figure out what the heck
is going on with my left side.
When we and if you saw me at Reinbeck in October last year, then you may have noted that I
was having a very hard time moving around because it had literally just happened like
(19:43):
what the week before it was like.
Yeah.
And dear, dear Frank was pushing me everywhere in my wheelchair.
He was such a superhero that day.
He was like, no, this is my job.
Okay.
You took it very seriously.
But yeah, so it took a while for me to get back to like walking on my own without needing
like a walker assistance.
(20:03):
I mean, I still use the cane from time to time.
If I have good days, I have bad days.
So a lot of that beginning of the year was that's why I have like projects in my ravelry
because like the beginning of the year, I was actually using it as a form of like occupational
therapy to get my left hand to like respond.
(20:26):
So knitting was actually like when I told them I was a knitter, he was like, yeah, do
that.
Do that.
That's going to be your physical therapy.
I'm like, okay.
So, so I've been, you know, was trying to do that for a while.
The year was kind of tough for me in general so far.
But yeah, I'm not in a knitting mood right now just because I lost my father at the beginning
(20:50):
of the month.
And I was very close to my father.
And I don't know, I just, I feel like I've just had like so many things going on, like
trying to like help with all of that because my brother also passed like 10 years ago.
So it's just really like me and my mom.
(21:12):
And I'm trying to like make sure that, you know, she's all set with everything.
So I've been so like attention wise, I've been completely diverted to like paperwork.
That's the best way I can express it is just papers, doing papers about papers and legal
and papers and more papers.
(21:34):
Well, the hobbies will be there for you when you're ready to return to them.
Yeah, it's just like, honestly, like I don't, I have like zero like a negative energy.
Like I even, I like put my chickens out and all I have to do is give this chicken a face
and it's a very simple way to like put the face on.
(21:54):
And I'm just like, it's just not there.
It's just not there.
That was me for like the entire first half of the year.
Yeah.
So I keep pulling them out and then I put them back in the bag when I realized this today
is not the day.
And there were a lot of days where I'd pull out my knitting.
I do like a quarter of a row and I'd be like, okay, that's it.
(22:15):
Yeah.
So I don't know where this whole thing came from.
But I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I definitely did that there is a kind
of a mythos around knitting and grief or crafting and grief.
There are so many books, mostly fiction written about knitting being like this great healer.
(22:37):
And I found that was not the case.
No, I did not knit for about 18 months after my dad passed.
Yeah.
And I, and I don't think there's a norm, but I also, I also found that really frustrating
because back to the idea of like, this is my joy, why am I not doing what makes me happy?
(22:57):
I think there is kind of like an expectation of like, when you are grieving, throw yourself
into the things that you like and that will make it better.
And I don't think that is necessarily the case.
I agree with that.
Yeah.
Now see, I am a grief knitter.
You taught me to knit while I was grieving because I needed something to do.
(23:20):
And I took to knitting like fish to water and I hyper focused on it to the point that
I was using it as a way to not actually deal with the grief.
It was a redirective, but it didn't, I don't want to say it helped me through the grief,
but it distracted you delayed.
(23:44):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't think there's like, again, putting the expectation on things one way or another,
but I was kind of surprised.
And I was very surprised, you know, years before I had ever experienced a loss like
that, being like, wow, why is every single knitting book about people knitting after
something awful has happened to them?
(24:05):
Like, is that a thing?
And I'm sure it is.
I'm sure it is.
I'm sure for some people it's like, but it's not universal.
It's not universal at all.
I did.
I would like when everything kind of went down, I was actually, I was bringing a knitting
bag with me whenever I would like, I was basically spending like every day at my mom's.
(24:27):
So it was like just bringing one with me just in case for some reason I felt like I needed
to.
Um, I never pulled it out.
It was just, I don't know, but it was your emotional support project and it was there.
Yeah, it was there.
It would, but I just, I never pulled it out.
And then, um, I think I even brought it with me to the funeral on the wake, never pulled
(24:48):
it out.
And I definitely had mine in the car.
Yeah, I don't know, but like it just, yeah.
And then I've, you know, I do, I carry it's the, my high vis beanie because it's easy.
It's just too, too, too, too, just over and over and over again.
So it's easy to just kind of mindlessly knit it, but I have no, no desire to like pick
(25:12):
up needles right now, which is hard because like when you have like, you know, I have
this Instagram account that's all about fiber arts and about me making like funny jokes
about fiber arts.
And then like, I am, I am right now feeling like the direct opposite of all of that.
Like I don't want to knit and I definitely don't feel like making funny jokes about knitting
(25:36):
right now.
So it's just like, so I ended up posting a real because like I felt bad because I was
getting all these messages of people asking me how I was.
And I just felt like I needed to be honest about like where I was at.
Like it's, you know, I'm not like saying I quit.
I just, I just need to like refocus for a bit and see what happens and you know, going
(26:02):
from there.
It's just hard because like, and it's like dealing with, you know, obviously my, my father's
passing and then dealing with my own medical problems, which are still ongoing.
And I'm still doing all this diagnostic testing and fighting with insurance and dealing with
like all these different things with that.
And, and then I found out that my dog has a benign malignant tumor near his kidney and
(26:30):
we're not doing anything for it because he's 11 and there's no reason to put him through
that.
So like, I just felt like I had a bad cupcake and then it just, it started stacking and
then I just, I just, I'm staring at a stacked bad cupcake tower.
Then I'm just like, I don't slowly sliding apart.
(26:52):
Yeah.
I'm just like, I don't feel like I actually have to say like, even my therapist told me
like I'm handling it really well.
Like in general, like I'm, I'm grieving when I need to grieve.
I'm crying when I need to cry doing all that, but like, I'm not, I'm not necessarily like
catastrophizing and I'm not like going into some deep hole and I'm not, I'm still like
(27:17):
functional.
I can still like get up every day and like take a shower and get dressed and you know,
do I take my moments in the shower?
Absolutely.
Do I take my moments when I go to sleep?
Absolutely.
Like I'm not like dysfunctional right now and you don't have the time to handle all
(27:37):
of that and do crafting on top of that.
Yeah.
I think that's kind of, it's like, I just, even when I'm like, okay, I have a minute.
It's like the minute is to like, go like take care of my bills or something.
Cause like I haven't done because I'm doing like all this other stuff.
So it's just a lot of stuff.
(27:58):
And also like, I thought I would be better about like going places and going and seeing
like other people.
And you know, I always bring my knitting whenever I go to any kind of social event, because
usually I don't want to socialize and I will, you know, just be behind my knitting and they'll
be like, oh yeah, that's Tina.
She's just over there.
She's really nice, but she usually doesn't, you know, come out of the knitting bag.
(28:23):
But like even going to like those kinds of things, it was just like weird.
It felt so weird.
Like being at any kind of social gathering or anything.
So not with you guys.
I don't know why.
I don't know why the podcast doesn't put me off at all, but it really doesn't.
I feel like maybe it's just so comfortable to be at the podcast and the lack of expectation
(28:46):
to perform.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
Cause this is our nit night.
We're just going to hang out.
And then there's no, um, there's no burden of expectation to be a certain way or act
a certain way.
Nope.
So that's why it's easy to chat on here.
(29:07):
Release my skeletons.
That's how they come out.
But yeah, I'm fine.
Like I don't want everyone going like, please don't like bombard me with like, oh my God,
like I'm so sorry.
I get it.
I'm good.
I just, it is a lot and knitting is not the chickens will have to wait.
(29:31):
They'll be there when you're ready.
Chickens will have to wait.
They're just going to have to sit on the shelf and wait for me to figure my life out one
day.
I had a really good year in 2023.
I felt really good about the way things had worked out.
(29:54):
Just realizing that I loved to hike and climbing Lafayette and kind of that culminated the
end of like three years or three and a half years of trying to kind of deal with, with
my dad's passing.
This past year has been a lot of, okay, now what?
And balancing a lot of work obligations with family obligations.
(30:20):
I'm in my fifth year of teaching, which fingers crossed means I'm tenured in the fall, which
is really exciting.
I haven't gotten a confirmation for that.
Well, yeah, I know we can yank that back if I don't.
They said there's no reason why I shouldn't, but I, you know, you know, you know, you like
to see those things.
(30:41):
Like, yeah, I want to see you in writing.
But that's come on the wave of going back to school.
And I feel like I missed a lot of things in the three years, four years, four years that
I was kind of trying to figure myself out.
(31:01):
And I really felt like the first, like from 2019 to 2023, I was kind of just floating
and just kind of existing.
2023, I started to kind of come out of my shell again and find things that I liked to
do and start to actually take care of myself as a person, realizing that I had let so much
(31:22):
of myself go.
I was completely sedentary.
I had really not think thought about anything that I really, you know, aside from knitting
that I really liked to do.
And I spent a lot of time focusing on my kid because that's what you do.
It is what you do.
But it was also like not not to bring up a really painful topic, but like the realization
(31:50):
after my dad passed, I'm like, I cannot stop.
I have a I had a 10 week old child.
Like I have got to keep moving.
I cannot stop.
My world will not stop.
And I really think that I kind of like zeroed in on her and I made her like my whole everything.
(32:10):
And it was like all of a sudden in the last few months, it was like I opened my eyes and
I'm like, this is a child.
She is not a baby.
She is not helpless.
Like I'm watching this kid problem solve and figure things out.
Sent her to camp this week and I was so anxious dropping her off.
I'm like, oh my God, is she going to cry?
(32:31):
I had to practically pry her out of the seat to come home every day.
She had a blast.
Like she is so independent.
And then realizing like, OK, she is fine.
I need to figure out now, like personally and academically and career wise, I need to figure
(32:52):
out what I'm doing with my life independently of not to say completely independently of
my child because she is five.
She's not a teenager, but she doesn't need the hovering anymore.
And honestly, worrying more that I'm doing her a detriment by hovering because for so
long it was like, well, I can't I can't do this.
(33:13):
I can't think this.
I have got to.
This is this is my whole little world.
And that's also not the kind of I don't I did not want her to grow up thinking like
you are the only thing in my life.
Like you are I am a person independent of you.
I have interests.
I have friends.
I have hobbies.
(33:33):
So totally relate.
Yeah.
This summer has been a lot.
And unfortunately, then, you know, this summer was kind of crazy because I got covid and
then I started hiking again.
I'm pretty sure I have plantar fasciitis in my foot.
So that's been fun.
So I haven't been able to like hike as much as I wanted to and do as much as I wanted
to.
And then kind of like that almost felt almost a little bit like some pressure off of I spent
(33:58):
a lot of my time like moving my focus from my child to hiking.
And now it's like I'm being forced to be like, OK, what who actually am I when I am not throwing
myself completely into one thing or another and trying to find a more healthy work life
(34:19):
balance, independent of all of those things that I was kind of like fixating on to try
to not look at where I was going.
Like I felt like I woke up last September and I'm like, OK, I'm 40.
Like this is a whole new decade of my life.
And where am I going?
And I still don't quite know where I'm going.
But I feel like I'm getting a better grasp on where I want to go.
(34:42):
If that makes sense.
Yeah, I know.
I know it does.
No, it does.
Like I can totally relate to that feeling because I felt even prior to my father passing,
like this feeling of like, OK, who am I?
Because my the difference being that my kids are older than yours and they were nine going
(35:07):
on 14, very independent, which I was so happy that they felt confident to be themselves.
They knew how to take care of themselves to a degree.
Like they were very confident in the person that they were and they really didn't need
me on them all the time.
So then like, OK, so now what do I do?
Kind of like I've switched to like this part time working and it's like, I don't know if
(35:30):
that's like what I want to do forever.
And then like, yeah, having this like thought of like, what is Tina?
And then like with my dad passing and he's and what I would consider like a big piece
of Tina, like, OK, so now that's gone.
So like, what what is the rest of it?
(35:51):
Like, you know, who are we?
And I think that's a problem with and I don't know, I cannot speak for for the men folk
among us.
I don't know what it's like to be a guy and have male pressure as a female speaking from
female experience, like the idea that the expectation of, you know, being a wife, being
a mom, being like all of those roles and kind of the expectation of like doing it all, but
(36:15):
doing it seamlessly.
And don't complain and don't ever don't make it look hard because of course, we'll just
knit while the roast is in the oven.
And have the perfect hair and the perfect makeup and the perfect outfit.
Yeah.
But but then there is like a whole lot of like when you strip away those layers, who
(36:36):
is that person underneath?
And I don't even think that that needs to be a married thing or a but there is so much
expectation, I think, to whether you are married or not, a mother or not, to do it and make
it look easy.
Don't complain and don't think about what you want beyond that.
(36:57):
I guess it's kind of unsurprising to kind of figure out as things change, where am I
going and what am I doing?
If anything, it sounds like for everybody, it's been like such an unsure year, like just
kind of not really knowing what to feel or what to do or like switching from thing to
(37:19):
thing or like, you know, in Jess's case, like this thing, that thing, that thing.
And in Dre's case, you know, I don't like I can't physically do this and I don't like
have the mojo to do this.
And like, so what else do I do?
And you know how you're speaking on that.
Like I feel like it's just maybe that's why we're sitting here and taking 45 minutes to
(37:43):
come up with a topic because we are literally unsure about everything else.
How the heck are we going to be sure about a topic?
You know what I mean?
Well, there's a lot there's a lot going on.
Yeah.
And I mean, I will like we were saying beforehand, like all of us have still crafted in different
spheres.
Like, I didn't finish anything until June.
(38:05):
Nothing.
Listen, it's nothing until June.
Ma'am.
And it took me that long to get to get into the swing of knitting.
And I've you know, I feel I feel better now.
Like I want to do it.
But for the first like five months of the year, I think I cast five projects on.
It just wasn't happening.
And I think, you know, we talked earlier when when Dre was talking about how like the worst
(38:31):
thing you can do is be like, I'm doing this.
This is fun.
We're having fun.
I'm going to do this and I'm going to have fun.
And you're not going to have fun.
And that's kind of how we we got to that point in this episode of like we we love to do this
podcast.
We enjoy talking together.
We love to knit.
(38:53):
Sometimes it's just not all coming together.
It's just not coming together.
And we won't be here forever.
And we've done this long enough.
We know we won't be in this place forever.
However, I do think that I just walked into putting my project down for a while because
I have extra stitches.
Oh, no.
I hate that for you.
(39:17):
It's time to knit a hat or socks.
That's what it's time for.
I need some more.
A quick win.
I need some wherewithal to figure out like knit a preemie hat.
They go fast or go find like that yarn you've been dying to knit socks with and go throw
a Sunday swing pair on those needles and just do it.
(39:37):
I do severely miss the Sunday.
Just do it.
It'll make you feel good.
I know this is a deviation and I know this is going to be really hard for you to cast
on a second project while I have one.
I really think don't have palpitations.
I really think this will be good for you.
Yeah, I think it'll be good for you.
Fine if I just like stick in a bag somewhere and you can pretend that you don't have it.
(40:03):
I have corn.
I do have problems with object.
There you go.
I don't see it.
It doesn't put it in the bag and cast on some Sunday swing.
And you can just say, no, this is my only project.
And you know what?
We'll even go along with it for you.
We'll do that for you.
We will never ever mention this shawl.
We will not bring up until you cast off the socks and we'll be like, how's the shawl?
(40:23):
No pressure.
No pressure.
At least give me a week of sitting.
Wait until you post.
No, I was going to say, we'll give some time because we don't want a velvet nightmare moment.
Oh no.
We're not talking about that.
No.
So there needs to be time between the win and the reminder.
(40:45):
Yes.
Okay.
We'll give you lots of applause.
Sound effects.
You need time to appreciate.
If you like start now, you could have a sweet pair of Reinbeck socks.
That's true.
I could a sweet pair.
Oh, Reinbeck.
I'm so not prepared at all for that.
(41:08):
You know what?
That's okay.
Yeah.
It's not necessary.
I am not making a sweater.
I'm knitting the sweater I finished a year and a half ago that I didn't block until like
five months ago.
That's going to look really pretty though.
That's going to be my Reinbeck sweater.
I'm not knitting one for this year because it's just not happening.
Well yeah man, this may or may not be done right now.
No it's not because Reinbeck is not in 12,000 years.
(41:29):
Dark academia.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know, but I'm also a time traveler sometimes.
I will consider blocking the Celtic Myth shawl.
Oh my God.
Don't get crazy now.
I know.
Don't get crazy now.
I wish I had a sound pick that was like, wow.
We need one of those like from the like 1986, I'm sorry.
(41:51):
It's like, oh yeah.
Yeah.
That's the one we need.
Or we could just have you do it because that was pretty good.
Oh God.
It's all going to be okay.
Yep.
Wherever y'all are at this year, I think we can all collectively say July has been a roller
(42:12):
coaster in so many ways.
Yeah.
And we got, we got five months left.
We got five months left in 2024.
It's going to be, it's going to be good.
It's going to be good.
However, however it turns out.
We're going to focus on the positive things no matter how small they are.
Yep.
And it doesn't have to be a screaming win, you know?
No.
It can just be what it is and we're all going to be good.
(42:34):
It could be, I touched my own today.
Good job.
Good job, Dra.
Congratulations.
Oh God.
That's about all the time we have for this week.
For additional content and opportunities to connect with the cast, be sure to check out
our website at PardonMyStache.com and be sure to tune in next time for more fun, friends
(42:59):
and fiber at Pardon My Stache.
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