April 9, 2025 • 38 mins
Parenting a child with severe autism often means facing challenges that remain hidden from the outside world. In this deeply personal episode, I take listeners into the harrowing reality of what happened when my nonverbal teenage son began directing aggressive behaviors specifically toward me.
The painful irony of being verbally abused by someone who professionals deemed "nonverbal" created a surreal existence where I developed physical pain responses to his targeting. My body would react with sharp pains in my side the moment I heard his aggressive vocalizations approaching—a visceral reminder of how deeply these interactions affected me. What made this situation uniquely isolating was his remarkable ability to transform into a sweet, compliant child whenever someone who could validate my experience was present.
I share the heartbreaking moment when I found myself telling my husband "he's lying" after our son denied his behavior—a childish outburst that revealed my desperation to be believed. When my father-in-law finally offered help during a particularly brutal episode, I accepted without fully considering what form that help would take. The resulting verbal tirade he unleashed on our son temporarily changed his behavior but left me questioning everything about appropriate boundaries.
Through mysterious new behaviors like stuffing deodorant down drains, flooding bathrooms, and eventually self-harm, we discovered a shocking truth—our son hadn't been sleeping for months. Family members living in our home had witnessed his nighttime activities but never thought to mention this crucial information as we searched desperately for answers.
For parents facing similar hidden battles, this episode offers no easy solutions but something perhaps more valuable—the knowledge that you aren't alone in these complex, rarely-discussed aspects of raising a child with severe autism. Your experiences are valid, even when others can't see or understand them.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:18):
Hello and welcome to the Parenting Severe Autism
Podcast.
I am your host, ShannonChamberlin.
I'm so happy that you're herewith me today.
Remember that you can supportthis podcast by sharing the
episodes, leaving a tip or thebuy me a coffee or anything like
that.
I also have some pretty decentmerchandise designed with my
logo and tagline and things likethat, and all of these options
(00:40):
are available on my hosting site, which is psa, short for
Parenting Severe Autismpsabuzzsproutcom.
And, of course, you're welcometo email me.
Well, in this episode I am goingmore into the behaviors.
Our life is basically nothingbut behaviors and there was a
very strange chain of eventsgoing on during the years of,
(01:01):
let's say, 13 to 16.
You know that our son had beentorturing me while his dad was
away working outside of the home, while I was trying to work at
home.
You know that the grandfatherhad witnessed it and all that.
So that's kind of where I'mgoing to pick up, as our son got
more aggressive towards me.
Although not touching me, hisactions and vocalizations were
(01:22):
aggressive.
Everything he did wasaggressive and abusive, even
though he wasn't touching me.
It was a very strangeexperience to have someone who's
really nonverbal.
No professionals considered himverbal and he didn't really
have a lot of words.
But to actually have someonewho is nonverbal verbally
abusing you is a very strangesensation.
(01:49):
The more aggressive he gottowards me, I started feeling
pain in my left side, in my ribarea, and it had gone on for a
while and I noticed that ithappened every time he would
come in and start torturing me.
He would sometimes do it, youknow, like on a Sunday, when we
were trying to relax in themorning.
He would start in on it beforehe was even down the stairs and
we were three rooms away and itwould happen.
(02:10):
Just, it's like a stressresponse.
I guess.
I would just get this terriblepain in my side.
God, he knows what to do.
He knows exactly what he isdoing and he is trying to kill
me.
I really believed that he wastrying to make me sick or trying
to kill me, and he knew exactlyhow to do it.
(02:31):
He was just torturing the hellout of me and I couldn't get a
moment's peace and it onlyhappened when I would hear these
vocalizations and theseaggressions coming out of him.
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sitthere.
I started getting to where Ididn't even want him behind me,
and that went on for years andit got worse.
I got to a point when he wasabout 17 and 18 where I could
(02:53):
not have him behind me because Ireally believed that he - I
would not put it past him tograb a knife and come up behind
me and stab me in the neckbecause he's so conditioned by
movies and games to thinknothing of that and to think
that's normal.
I did begin to live in fear ofhim later, down the road, but
during the early and mid-teenyears I just thought he was just
(03:16):
trying to hurt me, trying tokill me, give me some kind of
illness or heart attack orsomething.
And my spouse, you know, nevergot to see this unless it was on
a Sunday.
But the Sunday and Wednesdaybehaviors were much different,
much more subdued, even thoughthey were really bad.
I just could not explain it tohim, and by the time he would
get home our son would be in bedmost of the time.
(03:37):
My spouse never saw what I sawand what Tweedledum saw, because
he was there for it too.
My spouse never saw it.
You know, Jacob became the sweet, innocent, cuddly little boy
every time that I needed him toprove what he was doing.
You know, it was so strange andjust Jekyll and Hyde shit and I
(04:00):
couldn't stand it and it gotreally bad.
It really messed with my head.
One day, the story was bad, Idon't know.
I just felt like my spousedidn't understand the gravity of
the situation because he neversaw, you know, and he, he sat us
down one time and startedasking our son did you do this
and why?
And you know all these thingswhich we know he's not really
(04:21):
going to answer.
But I was surprised at myselfwhen my spouse asked him were
you being mean to Shannon dollor whatever it was, and our son
was like no, and okay.
So he picked, he picked theright, perfect response for his
situation, which I normallywould be proud of.
But I really surprised myselfwhen I was so upset that I
(04:41):
actually said he's lying! I meana grown woman talking to this
kid, who's mentally four, youknow, and telling his dad well,
he's lying.
I just felt so strange andchildish about it and I didn't
mean for it to come out.
I was so tortured and I reallyneeded my spouse to know what
(05:02):
was going on and there was noway to prove it.
I'm not much for cell phonesand stuff, you know I never
thought, well, I should recordthis.
But as soon as you do startrecording something, he starts
acting different anyway.
He's very camera aware and evenif it's just audio, he somehow
knows.
If you just hit voice memo andrecord and set your phone down,
(05:24):
he will know that you're.
When he comes in the room he'llknow.
I don't know how, but he justknows that something's not right
.
I'm not going to give it tothem, I'm not going to act the
way I was getting ready to,because they are ready for it
and I don't like it.
So it was a constant battle andI really felt all alone.
I felt that my spouse's dad,although he witnessed all of it,
I don't think he ever.
I didn't feel that he was evertelling my spouse what was going
(05:47):
on.
It was just me fighting formyself and it was hard because I
had my spouse's fatherconstantly bitching about me not
feeding him enough or whateverand saying you know how mean I
was to him and crying about that.
And then I have our sontorturing the hell out of me.
I was fighting both of them.
I was just fighting for myright to run my household and
(06:09):
run my business, and I nevershould have had to feel that way
.
You know, I just felt terrible.
One day it got really bad andTweedledum actually asked if I
wanted him to give me some helpor advice or something like that
.
I was standing in the doorwayof the kitchen, tweedledum was
standing in the other doorway ofthe kitchen and watching Jacob
torture me, and just this hasbeen going on for two hours
(06:32):
already.
And he was just standing theregetting ready to go smoke
cigarette outside and he waswatching all of this happen
while he was getting his coat on, and I looked at him just to
acknowledge his presence there.
And Jacob ran upstairs andTweedledum kind of whispered to
me.
He first asked if he could giveme some advice and I was just
okay, sure what?
(06:53):
And he suggested to beat theboy with a belt.
I know that that's how he andhis wife raised my spouse and
his brother, and I know a lot ofpeople from my generation were
raised with belt as punishment.
I, however, was not.
I did get spanks, but I neverhad a whip or a belt or anything
like that in my family.
And it doesn't really matter,because the way that I felt
(07:15):
about it, which I toldTweedledum, I said you know, I
just don't feel right abouthitting him in any capacity
because I feel like belting himor hitting him in any way.
To me, hitting a kid asdisabled as Jacob is like
beating a senior citizen and Idon't think that it's okay.
I don't feel right about it.
I don't think he wouldunderstand it and I know that he
(07:38):
likes spankings.
That's always been a game, afun thing.
You know how the pain toleranceis, so high.
Anyway, I just didn't thinkthat that was a good idea, I
didn't think it would work and Ijust didn't.
I don't know, man, it just hurtmy heart and soul to even think
about belting him.
I don't care how much hetortures me, he's still disabled
, he is I.
He doesn't understand life theway we do and I just don't want
(08:00):
to bring that into his life.
And I told him, I said no, theonly you have to talk to his dad
about belting him.
I don't agree with it.
I think it's like belting asenior citizen and I won't do it
, I won't condone it, but youshould talk to his dad about
that.
You guys need to work that out,because, I mean, I am well
aware that he's not actually mychild, so I'm not going to get
(08:21):
involved in that at all, but I'mgoing to say personally no,
that's not a good idea.
That was where we left that.
Shortly after that, he offeredto help me and I don't remember,
honestly, if it was the samenight or another night within a
few days of that.
But he said you want me to helpyou out, and I mean, this is
from a man who does absolutelynothing.
(08:42):
He could drive right by anaccident and not even call 911.
So when you know that level ofnon-action exists within a
person, and then you find thatperson offering to help you, you
know your situation is bad.
Right, it had been going on fora couple years already anyway.
So he offered to help me onenight when things were really,
(09:02):
really out of hand.
I was ready to pull my hair out, it was bad, I couldn't handle
him, I couldn't do anything, andI said, yeah, okay, just don't
hit him.
You know just what are yougoing to do.
He goes, I'm just going to calmhim down, I'm just, you know, I
just want to talk to him andtell him to leave you alone.
I'm like, okay, yeah, thank you.
And at this point I was doubledover, my knees were buckling and
I couldn't support myself and Icouldn't work.
(09:24):
He had ruined my evening forwork.
I couldn't concentrate onanything.
I had been dealing with hisabuse for hours.
So I accepted the help.
I don't recommend it.
I mean, this man had been inour home for years.
By this point, everywhere welived, he spent a lot of time.
You would think that someonewho spends so much time with you
would understand somethingabout how you run your household
(09:45):
or how you treat your son, orsomething.
You know rules, a way to live,anything I don't know.
I guess I was just so desperateI didn't even think of what
could go wrong.
You know, I just needed helpand no one was there except him
and he offered and I accepted.
I ended up calling my spousewhile he was on the road and
bawling over the phone.
I felt so guilty and helplessbecause the help that I received
(10:10):
was verbal abuse and I'vealways taught my kid not to
tolerate people talking to himthe way this man talked to him,
and I don't talk to him that way, and up until that point I
hadn't anyway.
I mean, things got really badwhen he became an adult and I
can't say that I was always asaint, but during those years
that I'm talking about now, Ihad never spoken to him.
(10:32):
The way that he was yelled atby his grandfather that night
and all I heard was expletives.
All I heard was I don't, Iblocked it out.
I think I have a tendency to dothat, but I remember how he
used to talk to his othergrandson, the one that we took
into our home for a while.
We wanted to go rescue him andthis is why it's exactly.
(10:53):
What happened to him is whathappened to my son, and I was
still doubled over and on myknees.
I could not intervene and Idon't want to intervene while
he's dishing it out like that tohim, because that's going to be
their dynamic.
And I don't want to intervenewhile he's dishing it out like
that to him, because that'sgoing to be their dynamic.
I don't want to intervene andsay you know, give my son the
idea that papa is right or wrong.
That's going to be theirdynamic.
(11:15):
They are going to have to.
I can't you know, unless you'reactually hurting my child, I'm
not going to intervene with that, because I have a different way
of dealing with my son than myspouse has, you know, and
everyone is going to have theirown way of getting through to
him.
So I didn't want to thwart thatat all.
However, it was terrible.
It was, you know, you stupidmotherfucker, cocksucker, you
(11:37):
know, shut the fuck up.
And I mean, it was justterrible.
It was terrible and it rippedmy heart out and I was so
disappointed in myself forallowing this to happen.
And it was already done.
The damage was done.
You know, I just sat there andcried and I called my spouse, I
think while it was still goingon.
Yeah, it was still going on.
(11:58):
I remember I'm like, do youhear that?
I don't want to get in the way?
And he understood why I didn'twant to intervene, but it was so
sad, it was so sad, so fuckingsad.
I felt like such a failure.
I mean I can only take so much,but that was the wrong, wrong
person to accept help from, butI at least he didn't beat him.
(12:18):
You know we had alreadyestablished that, otherwise he
would have, I'm sure he wouldhave taken off his belt and beat
his ass.
I don't know, I feel terribleabout that.
Still, I don't know.
You know, I don't know how to?
What does what?
How do you decide what someonedeserves?
How do you decide?
You know, I want him tounderstand the effect that his
behavior has on others.
But how, how is one to decidewhat a kid like him actually
(12:42):
deserves?
After 20 years of telling himto be careful on the stairs or
be careful, you know, outside inthis area, and he falls and
busts his ass, I kind of feelthat he deserves that, after 20
years of not listening, one timehe needs to fall on his ass and
figure it out.
Maybe he'll remember and maybehe'll believe us, because he
sure the hell doesn't listen,you know.
(13:03):
But as far as the torture, Ijust I don't know what that
deserves.
I'm kind of an eye for an eyekind of person and I would
prefer to mess with him the sameway he messes with me, just to
help him understand.
Like.
This is the context.
You are familiar with theseactions and I'm going to show
you what these actions do.
I don't know, I don't know whatI expected, but anyway, the
(13:24):
interesting thing was that Jacobwas quote unquote good for
about a week and a half.
After that, his world didn'tmake sense to him anymore after
what happened between him andhis grandfather, and he didn't
know how to process.
It is what we think.
He was really quiet and awareand just kind of watching things
(13:48):
and being polite, and he didn'treally know his place in the
world anymore, because, all of asudden, he wasn't the baby, he
wasn't precious, he was treatedjust like everybody else.
You know what I mean, and itkind of scared him is what we
think.
He just was really off.
I mean, it was nice to havethat little break where he was
considerate, and I think itwasn't necessarily to help us,
(14:10):
it was to, you know, helphimself figure out what the
hell's going on.
Why did I get yelled at likethat?
Why am I not?
You know, I don't know.
We tried to reason with him foryears.
We tried and tried and tried,and this is what happened, and
it changed him for almost a fulltwo weeks.
Shortly after that, though,weird stuff started happening,
like he started eating chickenbones.
(14:32):
I went to clear his plate andhe didn't have any bones and I'm
like where's the bones?
And he couldn't say anything,but he indicated that he ate
them.
He just he's such an aggressiveeater and drinker and he's he
lives in fast forward all thetime, even back then, and he
fast forwarded himself intoeating the entire piece of
(14:53):
chicken, including the bones.
There was nothing left.
I was terrified, you know.
He did that twice and both timeswe had to just yell at him.
The only way that things getthrough to him is if you yell at
him and really mean it and wedon't like to yell, you know,
but we had to yell at him andtry to scare him into not eating
the bones.
Don't eat the bones.
(15:13):
You've never eaten the bones,he's 14.
He doesn't need me to take themeat off the bone.
Just eat it and don't eat thebones.
You've never eaten the bones,he's 14.
He doesn't need me to take themeat off the bone.
Just eat it and don't eat thebone.
He knows this.
This is not a new process forhim, you know, but he started
eating chicken bones and hestarted eating out of the
garbage and he started eatingout of the sink after the plates
were rinsed and whatever was inthe sink, he would go over
there and he would eat it.
(15:34):
And we caught him and that'show we know.
He also started taking my freshfiltered water, filling up a
big glass and going straightover to the sink and dumping it
out, not even drinking it.
And he's kind of a neuroticwater drinker because, you know,
he doesn't know what to do withhimself, so he just drinks and
drinks and drinks.
And then he just skipped thedrinking and he just fills it up
and dumps it down the drain.
And he kept doing that Everysingle step of the way.
(15:55):
We had to yell at him, you know,don't eat out of the garbage,
don't eat out of the sink.
Years later I found out thatthere's something called PICA, I
think, right, P-I-C-A that youshould look into if your kid is
eating out of the garbage.
But he only did it twice and itwasn't like a constant thing.
As soon as we caught him doingit, we yelled at him until he
(16:15):
stopped, you know.
So he did it two or three timesand then he didn't do it.
But during that same time hewas eating garbage out of the
sink.
Even the scraps that like wererinsed and cut and left in there
.
For, you know, after dinnercleanup, I mean it was just
gross.
What are you doing?
Ugh.
So all of that was going on.
And then he starts talking likehe's in a video game and like
moving like he's in a video game, and it was getting really
(16:37):
creepy.
We didn't know what to do.
We were just like wide-eyedstaring at each other like what
the hell is going on with thisboy?
He sounds and looks like hethinks he's in a video game.
It got worse.
He used to act like he thoughthe was in a video game, you know
, jumping and then trying tolook.
Jump on my head.
He would just look at the topof my head.
(16:59):
But now I mean, it was just.
It was worse.
We got really freaked out and wedecided no more video games, no
more movies, no more YouTube,nothing.
We are going on a camping detox.
We're going to go camping andwe're going to detox from
electronics.
We had a little site set upwhere I told you that everything
went down with the family andthe gluten and all that.
We went back there and we wentback there for a week.
(17:21):
Now, it was on our property sowe could go home anytime.
We went home to go to thebathroom and clean him up, give
him a bath and all that, but wespent an entire week in the
wilderness, no electronics atall.
It seemed to help.
He was really pissed off.
He was still hating everything.
All the food that I made, hedidn't want to eat it.
He would just throw a fit andit was good food.
(17:41):
He loved it.
I would make the same stuff athome and he would eat it.
But all of a sudden now he justno, I don't want it, just
pissed off about everything.
And we just had to deal with it.
We were trying to teach himabout the birds and you know,
just get him to focus on thingsfarther than two feet from his
face and no screen time at all.
And we took it really seriously.
And then we took a few days offand we went back out for
(18:04):
another week After that.
We did not allow him to haveelectronics at all.
You know, if he went to histherapy and stuff, whatever they
needed to do, is fine, but hewasn't going to school and all
of that and he was just at homeall the time, unless he went to
therapy, and we just no.
No more video games, no moreiPad, no more YouTube.
I would let him watch littlekind of educational cartoons on
(18:26):
the big TV.
But when they were over, theywere over.
You know it was like a 20minute thing and that's it and
you can like it or not like it,but that's what you get to do.
It did break him temporarily oftalking and acting like he was
in a video game.
It really freaked us out and itscared us straight.
We had heard about all the stuffyou know about too much energy
and electricity being in thehouse or in the room where the
(18:49):
autistic child is sleeping andyou should shut off all
electricity to the child's roomwhile they're asleep so that
they don't get interrupted andall that jazz.
And you know that's kind ofimpossible.
You know he gets hot.
You got to have power in theroom so we just started making
sure nothing else was plugged inbut what needed to be plugged
in for air circulation.
But we did try.
(19:10):
We tried to eliminate the toxicload of energy from his area
and we detoxed him fromelectronics.
It seemed to help a little bit,but he was still an asshole, to
be honest.
Later, after all of that, hestarts even more stuff.
So one day we wake up, step outof our bedroom and the house
smells like soap, very fragrant.
(19:30):
I'm like.
What is this?
Because we had cut out alltoxic ingredients from our lives
.
We didn't have any toxichousehold cleaners, nothing,
laundry dishes, all that kind ofstuff.
I am suffering from toxicoverload so I had to get rid of
all of that.
So I couldn't figure out why itsmelled so damn fragrant
upstairs in the hallway ofbedrooms and went over to check
(19:54):
on Jacob's bathroom and foundthat his sink was full.
He had stuffed an entire hardstick of deodorant.
He got it out of the containerand stuffed it down the drain
and filled the sink up withwater.
It was completely gone, exceptfor a little bit, and it was way
, way down in there.
You know, if you put on enoughdegree deodorant it's going to
foam up under your arms and looklike soap, and that's what
(20:16):
happened in the actual sink.
There's just big, big foamysuds on top of all this water.
The water's flowing out ontothe floor.
It was a disaster and nobodysaid anything.
The grandfather wasn't there atthe time, but Tweedledee was
the uncle.
He was in the same hallway.
Our hallway was like a U-shapeand we were on one side and they
were on the other.
Never heard anything about it.
(20:37):
Nobody said anything right, andthat would just be.
Either Jacob or Tweedledeecould have given us some kind of
indication that something waswrong.
But that's how we got to wakeup one day and from there it
just got worse.
He's stuffing deodorant and nowhe's stuffing bars of soap down
the drain.
He's emptying any kind ofliquid shower soap all over the
(21:01):
place and he's now he's flushingtoys.
We had to remove the toiletseveral times to fix it because
he kept flushing hard toys downthe toilet.
And we wake up early Like whenare you doing this?
You know he was nowhere to befound around the scene of the
crime and it just didn't makeany sense.
He was, you know, nowhere nearthe scene of the crime.
Anytime we found him, and itwas just it was.
(21:21):
Oh man, it was so aggravating.
One time it was around Christmasagain and I had just hung a
bunch of really pretty glitterysnowflakes and stuff on my
chandelier in my foyer and I hadjust received a guest and we
were standing there in the foyergetting the coats and shoes off
and stuff my chandelier startsleaking brown water right on top
of us, and this had been.
(21:42):
You know this was like theseventh or eighth time that this
had happened.
But this one was really brownwater and it just, you know,
it's coming right down a lightfixture.
It scared me and also I waspissed because I had just
cleaned the whole house.
It was sparkly clean and herecomes this brown water just
running out of my chandelier.
So I run upstairs to find outand there's Jacob at the top of
(22:05):
the stairs laughing his ass off,shaking his hands and jumping.
I was so pissed off.
I went down, you know I had tomove out of the way and I went
down around the corner to hisbathroom and, yep, he had
everything overflowing at once,everything.
And I hadn't left him alonevery long at all, I had been
watching him like a hawk.
So the whole damn room ofliquid is overflowing, falling
(22:28):
through my chandelier downstairs.
And I was so pissed off Iactually grabbed his wrist and
it was so weird because, again,touch for him is affection, he
loves being touched.
And when I grabbed his wrist andit was so weird because, again,
touch for him is affection, heloves being touched and when I
grabbed his wrist, it instantlysoftened his demeanor.
I saw it right on him, but Iwas already in motion.
I didn't stop what I was doing.
But while I was in motion I sawthat it softened his face.
(22:51):
It softened his demeanor and heinstantly attached affection
and caring and love to me,touching his wrist.
But here comes my right handand I smack the top of his hand
so hard I had.
The reason I grabbed his wristis so he would get the full
brunt of it and not fall awayfrom my smack on his hand.
I wanted to hit him and I hithim in the hand.
(23:12):
I never did feel bad about it,but I did see the shock on his
face.
He thought I was giving him aloving gesture.
Well, why the hell would I dothat?
You're ruining my whole house.
No, this is not a hug and akiss, honey.
He knew.
He knew that was not a love tap, and that's what I wanted him
to know.
That's why I steadied his handfirst.
But I was so mad.
(23:33):
Another thing he started, likehe one day.
We're sitting downstairs andwe're having a you know, family
discussion about whatever'sgetting ready to happen, and
here comes Jacob down the stairswith his entire nightstand
table carrying it, the wholething.
He had trashed his room andthen picked up his nightstand
and walked it down the stairsand he paraded it around the
(23:56):
entire house.
It down the stairs and heparaded it around the entire
house.
We're just watching him likeokay, we didn't say anything,
but I mean it's just weird.
I don't know, I have no ideawhat he was doing, but he was
just and he carries it.
Really weird because he doesn'tunderstand like body mechanics
or anything.
So it was just really funny.
I don't know why he had it likeunder his forearms and his
(24:18):
wrists were super hyper, bentover carrying it from underneath
the top of it.
It was just, he doesn't knowhow to do stuff, so it was just
really funny.
I still don't know why he didthat, but you know, just weird
stuff.
All of this keeps going on andgoing on and I actually think
that these are the events thatled up to him beating his head
(24:40):
on stuff.
Yes, actually I remember nowbecause, like I said, it was
winter when he did that floodingof the bathroom really badly
and it was also winter when hebegan smashing his head on the
snow and the ice and eventuallythe snow that's right on top of
the sidewalk and you knowemergency rooms constantly and
all that.
So sidewalk, and you knowemergency rooms constantly and
all that.
So he starts, you know, banginghis head on icebergs outside.
(25:03):
And finally, during ourfreakout, we finally learn from
Tweedledee, because Tweedledeehad come and he lived in the
woods on our property for, Ithink, over a year, but when the
weather got too harsh, he movedinto the house and there was a
bedroom that he and his brothershared when they were there.
So he was in that bedroombecause it was the dead of
(25:24):
winter and it was very cold andhe had been there for months
already.
This was probably February whenall of this is going on and he
finally says something.
Months and months and months.
And we were spinning our wheelstrying to figure it out.
You know, doctors andconstantly what is going on?
I don't know.
(25:45):
I don't understand what's goingon.
I'm watching him like a hawkand when, as soon as I blink,
everything's destroyed.
I don't know what's going on.
So finally, tweedledee tells usthat Jacob hasn't been sleeping
for months.
Tweedledee tells us that Jacobhasn't been sleeping for months.
I was so pissed.
I was like what, how long hasthis been going on?
And now my spouse is grillinghim about it and he's like oh
(26:12):
yeah, I can hear him all thetime.
Even when Tweedledum was there.
He had left and you know he hadbeen gone for a while, and so
Tweedledee was the only onethere.
Even when both of them werethere, it comes out.
Oh yeah, even when my brotherwas here, we could hear him
flipping the light on and off,on and off, on and off all night
.
I'm like all night.
I thought that was just in themorning, oh no, it was all the
time and it's all the time now.
I didn't get any sleep.
He's up at 2 30 in the morning.
(26:32):
Every time I get up to go pee Igotta ask him to get out of the
bathroom and then when I goback to go to bed, he's in his
room flipping the light switchon and off, on and off, on and
off.
I can hear everything that hedoes, and he's been doing this
for months.
We were like didn't you everthink to tell us, don't you
(26:53):
think that's a problem, that heis not sleeping at night and
he's acting like a psycho duringthe day?
You didn't think that we neededthat information.
I was so pissed Like what?
You're in my house, you'reusing my heat, you're using my
food, my water, dude, what thefuck?
You can't help me out.
Why is it so hard for thesepeople to help?
All you have to do is say Ihave witnessed this and I don't
think you're aware.
I think it would help you withwhat you're trying to figure out
(27:15):
.
Here's some information.
I'm not asking you to step inand discipline my kid.
I'm not asking you to go tellhim to go to sleep.
I'm not asking you to deal withhim at all.
I'm asking you to report whatyou see and hear, and I
shouldn't have to ask.
This should just be a thing.
You see me being tortured.
You see him hurting himself.
You see him destroying thehouse and you see something that
(27:35):
I don't see, which is that he'snot sleeping.
I am sleeping because I'mexhausted, so I don't know.
I didn't have any idea.
Neither did my spouse, becausewhen we would go to bed, he was
silent and he was asleep as faras we could tell.
We didn't go in there becausewe didn't want to wake him up.
You know, ugh, I mean monthsand months of hell.
No more naps during the day,because I used to make him take
(27:55):
a nap.
It used to be a nice thing, andthen it was like a necessary
like.
I need you to go the fuck tobed, leave me alone, you know.
So I would make sure he wouldget a nice big lunch and go to
sleep in the daytime.
Well, no more naps.
So that really screwed up a lotmore stuff, because now he's
bitchy during the day even moreand I had to get him some
melatonin.
We still weren't on any meds,couldn't even really get a
(28:17):
doctor, as I mentioned before.
We kept seeing a nursepractitioner who kept saying the
doctor was out or the doctorwas sick or whatever.
We couldn't really get any goodcare.
So we were just, you know,doing what we could.
I didn't have any cannabis andit wasn't legal yet and all that
stuff.
So I was just starting out withmelatonin and no naps during
the day.
Shortly after that, the stateprogram finally got fully funded
(28:40):
and we started getting thingsthat we desperately needed.
So the first thing I asked forafter talking to the lady that
runs the therapy, the nonprofitthere I talked to her and she
said you should ask for a videobaby monitor.
Now, remember, I've never hadkids, I've never had babies,
I've never I've nannied, butI've never had any of the baby
(29:02):
stuff.
Okay, and I didn't have anyidea that this was a thing.
So we ended up getting a freevideo baby monitor to put in his
room and boy oh boy was thateye-opening.
I cannot wait.
Next episode, I will tell youwhat we saw and I'm going to
post the videos with it on myFacebook and social media, just
(29:23):
so you can see this, in case youever wonder and you don't have
a video baby monitor.
I'm actually out of time.
I can hear him freaking outrunning around right now and his
dad is home, but it's not aone-person job.
I want to tell you real quick.
The past two to four weeksactually have actually the past
six weeks have been reallyabsolute hell with his behaviors
.
I have not been very impressedwith anything, but just the
(29:46):
other day he came down here toget me and he was in a big hurry
and he looked happier than Ihave seen him in a while.
He has a way of saying grandpaand grandma without the P or the
M, so it's like growl, growl iscoming, growl is coming.
And I'm like what, what are yousaying?
Growl is coming.
So now he pinches out his lip.
When I say what he does thatstill, and now he'll pinch his
(30:13):
lip.
He's managed to adapt to now,just looking stupid and still
saying the words that you know,still not being able to be
understood.
He says girl's coming, girl'scoming.
I'm like what he says come here, come here, I will show you the
best that he could.
And so I said, okay, I start tofollow him.
He goes.
I'm so excited, I'm so excitedand I got up there and I'm like
what is it?
There's no one in the house,right, and he's like grandpa's
talking to grandma, like what hesays outside.
(30:33):
I'm like, oh.
So I look outside and thegrandmother is parked in the
driveway with someone in thepassenger seat and the
grandfather is standing in thedriveway talking to her through
the window of the van.
And Jacob is excited and hekept saying grandma's coming,
grandma's coming, grandpa istalking to Grandma.
That's what he was saying.
Kept spying because I wanted tomake sure it wasn't one of the
(30:56):
other two kids in the van withher, because they're both coming
around lately in this town.
It wasn't, it was the woman'ssister.
So I felt safe about that.
But it was very sad because, asmuch as she has neglected him,
when he sees her he thinks she'scoming in, he thinks it's
exciting and I'm believing thathe thinks she's there to see him
(31:16):
.
And then she pulled away.
They saw us looking through thewindow.
They didn't wave, they didn'tdo anything, they drove away.
The next day Jacob was beingcrazy again and he ran by me out
of his room.
I was in the hall and he rushedby me and I noticed that his
arm was discolored.
I was like whoa, whoa, whoa,and you know we were both trying
to rein him in at the time.
(31:37):
He was being psycho.
So his dad was downstairs, Iwas upstairs and we were kind of
cattle ranching him, I guess.
So I said whoa, whoa, whoa,something's wrong with his arm.
His arm's discolored, let'slook at it.
So my spouse grabs his arm.
He's like what is that?
And I got to look at it and theplace where it was, and that's
exactly where the other gooseegg and bruise was when I saw it
.
And then the next day I saw himbite his arm and so he was like
(31:59):
did you hurt your arm?
He's like yes, and he's likewhere?
What happened, you know?
And of course he's just goingto stare at you.
Once that little conversationwas over and Jacob's back was to
me, his dad was still talkingto him and I motioned to my
spouse with my own arm and myown teeth that that was a bite.
And he was like, oh no, I don'tthink so.
I'm like no, I'm telling youit's a bite.
I'm pretty sure that's a bite.
(32:21):
Look at where it's at.
So he asked him he's freakingout enough that we couldn't
control him.
He was stripping all hisclothes off, stomping around,
hulk voicing, and then he goesand bites his arm again.
And I was like hey, hey, hey,no, no, no, I didn't want to
freak out like that, but I don'tknow, it just came out.
(32:42):
I try not to give his negativebehaviors that loud negative
attention, because I'm prettysure that's what he wants.
That's what he wants, that'swhat professionals have told me
and I kind of believe it.
So I really try not to reactlike that.
But I just couldn't help itbecause I don't want him biting
himself.
It's horrific to see.
I felt dumb and disappointed inmyself for reacting that way
(33:04):
and not taking a breath firstand trying to, you know, figure
out a different way to react.
But it did get his dad'sattention and then he got in
trouble for trying to bitehimself.
But I need to look through mypodcast notes and figure out
whether the first biting episodewas anywhere around a time when
she was here, because I kind offeel like it was and I kind of
(33:25):
feel like this is what happensnow when she comes and ignores
him.
She just flat out ignored him.
She didn't even try to come inand see him.
You know why does she have topull up in sight of my son and
get him excited?
He's excited.
He's saying the best that hecan to me.
He is excited that she is here,that she is coming.
He thinks she's here to see himand she's coming in and she
(33:45):
just fucking left just likeeveryone else does.
So I don't have a happy littleanecdote or anything like that.
That is the most communicationthat we've had in the past two
weeks with him and it's justheartbreaking and sad.
And I'm pretty sure that, eventhough I've asked him are you
okay, are you mad?
And I you know I try my bestwhen it's just me and him
(34:06):
upstairs and I'm cooking and I,hey, are you okay?
Did it make you happy, sad ormad about grandma being outside?
You know, I'm just, I'm trying.
I don't want to put words in hismouth and just make him say yes
, I'm trying to help him picksomething and I just want to
know, so that I know, so that Ican say, hey, you are doing this
(34:33):
to my child.
I want you to stop.
You know, I'm just trying tomake a connection, or have him
help me make a connection, andjust tell me, why are you biting
yourself?
What brought this on?
He doesn't just bite himselfevery day, and the stuff that he
does do every day is just everyday.
As soon as he gets up, hestarts it.
But I hate not knowing.
I hate that he can't say it,because I can't help him.
If he can't say it, I don'thave any.
I just come off as a crazyparent, and my spouse does too.
(34:56):
If we just, you know, equate it, well, hey, you know you were
here and then he did this, youknow, I mean, I need man, I need
some proof, I need something.
I wish that he could just sayit.
You know he wasn't.
Sometimes he'll say I'm sad, orwhatever.
And he was.
He was sad, he bawled, for Ithink it might've been that
morning.
He might've sobbed all over hisdad for like 20 minutes and I
(35:18):
just, man, I swear to God it'sbecause of her, and I.
Just how do you get someone torespect your kid when they're
supposed to love himunconditionally and instead all
they do is trigger him and noteven acknowledge him, like he
doesn't even deserve high?
It's just so sad.
We really we need more.
He deserves more, we deservemore.
(35:40):
It's just so much and there'snothing positive about it.
You know, we need to createsomething where we can just give
him access to things that heneeds, access to therapies and
different activities, and, youknow, just let him explore life
a little bit in a safeenvironment and allow us a safe
environment to man to figure outhow to get some respite, you
(36:04):
know?
I mean, how can we be expectedto continue on like this forever
, can you?
What are we going to do?
I'm getting ready to record mypresentation for my little
blueprint that I've created hereand I'm going to probably post
it as a podcast episode as well.
You won't get the visuals, butI'm just going to try everything
I can to get this out there,because I think it's a little
(36:24):
bit of a start to an answer forwhat I was just asking.
Oh, wait, wait, yes, I do havesomething good.
I just got a Palo Santo stickrecently.
It's kind of like a sage smudgestick, but it's Palo Santo and
I decided to smudge the housewith it just to clear it of
energies and stuff.
So I smudged myself first, thenI smudged my spouse and then I
(36:45):
did Jacob and Jacob watched medo his dad.
So I had him stand there and heloves to put his arms out like
we used to do when we were kids.
You have to stick your arms outto get bug spray all over you.
He loves that position.
And then he heard what I saidand I swirled the smoking stick
around him.
And so I'm swirling the stickaround his top of his head and
(37:05):
his eyes closed and I saidsomething like I cleanse you of
any negative energies.
And you know, and I did aroundhis heart and I said I cleanse
your heart space of any negativeand stagnant energies.
And I did that all around allof his limbs and he just loved
that.
When I got to his heart andbelly area he just it wasn't
even looking at me, he justtotally relaxed and threw his
head back and took a big deepbreath and he goes ah.
(37:28):
So I thought that was reallycool.
But we do feel that the energyin our house is a little bit
lighter now and I had noticedthat he always throws his head
over his right shoulder andlooks to the back of the room,
to this one particular corner ofthe house, and he's been doing
it for years in this house.
So I cleansed all the cornersand invited love, light and
positive energy to fill everycorner of the house.
(37:51):
I did that all the way through.
I doubled down on his bedroomand over his bed, all around
underneath his bed.
You know, I just did everything.
We left the house and came backand we really feel that it's a
little bit lighter in here, justthe energy alone.
And I haven't noticed himthrowing his head back over to
that corner.
He's done it, but not with theintensity and it looks like he's
(38:14):
just not even interested in thecorner anymore.
He doesn't hold the gaze nearlyas long.
So I don't know, I don't know,but that's about the coolest
story I have for this pastcouple of weeks, so I hope you
enjoyed it.
You hang in there, you're asuperhero.
Hello and welcome to the Parenting Severe Autism
Podcast.
I am your host, ShannonChamberlin.
I'm so happy that you're herewith me today.
Remember that you can supportthis podcast by sharing the
episodes, leaving a tip or thebuy me a coffee or anything like
that.
I also have some pretty decentmerchandise designed with my
logo and tagline and things likethat, and all of these options
(00:40):
are available on my hosting site, which is psa, short for
Parenting Severe Autismpsabuzzsproutcom.
And, of course, you're welcometo email me.
Well, in this episode I am goingmore into the behaviors.
Our life is basically nothingbut behaviors and there was a
very strange chain of eventsgoing on during the years of,
(01:01):
let's say, 13 to 16.
You know that our son had beentorturing me while his dad was
away working outside of the home, while I was trying to work at
home.
You know that the grandfatherhad witnessed it and all that.
So that's kind of where I'mgoing to pick up, as our son got
more aggressive towards me.
Although not touching me, hisactions and vocalizations were
(01:22):
aggressive.
Everything he did wasaggressive and abusive, even
though he wasn't touching me.
It was a very strangeexperience to have someone who's
really nonverbal.
No professionals considered himverbal and he didn't really
have a lot of words.
But to actually have someonewho is nonverbal verbally
abusing you is a very strangesensation.
(01:49):
The more aggressive he gottowards me, I started feeling
pain in my left side, in my ribarea, and it had gone on for a
while and I noticed that ithappened every time he would
come in and start torturing me.
He would sometimes do it, youknow, like on a Sunday, when we
were trying to relax in themorning.
He would start in on it beforehe was even down the stairs and
we were three rooms away and itwould happen.
(02:10):
Just, it's like a stressresponse.
I guess.
I would just get this terriblepain in my side.
God, he knows what to do.
He knows exactly what he isdoing and he is trying to kill
me.
I really believed that he wastrying to make me sick or trying
to kill me, and he knew exactlyhow to do it.
(02:31):
He was just torturing the hellout of me and I couldn't get a
moment's peace and it onlyhappened when I would hear these
vocalizations and theseaggressions coming out of him.
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sitthere.
I started getting to where Ididn't even want him behind me,
and that went on for years andit got worse.
I got to a point when he wasabout 17 and 18 where I could
(02:53):
not have him behind me because Ireally believed that he - I
would not put it past him tograb a knife and come up behind
me and stab me in the neckbecause he's so conditioned by
movies and games to thinknothing of that and to think
that's normal.
I did begin to live in fear ofhim later, down the road, but
during the early and mid-teenyears I just thought he was just
(03:16):
trying to hurt me, trying tokill me, give me some kind of
illness or heart attack orsomething.
And my spouse, you know, nevergot to see this unless it was on
a Sunday.
But the Sunday and Wednesdaybehaviors were much different,
much more subdued, even thoughthey were really bad.
I just could not explain it tohim, and by the time he would
get home our son would be in bedmost of the time.
(03:37):
My spouse never saw what I sawand what Tweedledum saw, because
he was there for it too.
My spouse never saw it.
You know, Jacob became the sweet, innocent, cuddly little boy
every time that I needed him toprove what he was doing.
You know, it was so strange andjust Jekyll and Hyde shit and I
(04:00):
couldn't stand it and it gotreally bad.
It really messed with my head.
One day, the story was bad, Idon't know.
I just felt like my spousedidn't understand the gravity of
the situation because he neversaw, you know, and he, he sat us
down one time and startedasking our son did you do this
and why?
And you know all these thingswhich we know he's not really
(04:21):
going to answer.
But I was surprised at myselfwhen my spouse asked him were
you being mean to Shannon dollor whatever it was, and our son
was like no, and okay.
So he picked, he picked theright, perfect response for his
situation, which I normallywould be proud of.
But I really surprised myselfwhen I was so upset that I
(04:41):
actually said he's lying! I meana grown woman talking to this
kid, who's mentally four, youknow, and telling his dad well,
he's lying.
I just felt so strange andchildish about it and I didn't
mean for it to come out.
I was so tortured and I reallyneeded my spouse to know what
(05:02):
was going on and there was noway to prove it.
I'm not much for cell phonesand stuff, you know I never
thought, well, I should recordthis.
But as soon as you do startrecording something, he starts
acting different anyway.
He's very camera aware and evenif it's just audio, he somehow
knows.
If you just hit voice memo andrecord and set your phone down,
(05:24):
he will know that you're.
When he comes in the room he'llknow.
I don't know how, but he justknows that something's not right
.
I'm not going to give it tothem, I'm not going to act the
way I was getting ready to,because they are ready for it
and I don't like it.
So it was a constant battle andI really felt all alone.
I felt that my spouse's dad,although he witnessed all of it,
I don't think he ever.
I didn't feel that he was evertelling my spouse what was going
(05:47):
on.
It was just me fighting formyself and it was hard because I
had my spouse's fatherconstantly bitching about me not
feeding him enough or whateverand saying you know how mean I
was to him and crying about that.
And then I have our sontorturing the hell out of me.
I was fighting both of them.
I was just fighting for myright to run my household and
(06:09):
run my business, and I nevershould have had to feel that way
.
You know, I just felt terrible.
One day it got really bad andTweedledum actually asked if I
wanted him to give me some helpor advice or something like that
.
I was standing in the doorwayof the kitchen, tweedledum was
standing in the other doorway ofthe kitchen and watching Jacob
torture me, and just this hasbeen going on for two hours
(06:32):
already.
And he was just standing theregetting ready to go smoke
cigarette outside and he waswatching all of this happen
while he was getting his coat on, and I looked at him just to
acknowledge his presence there.
And Jacob ran upstairs andTweedledum kind of whispered to
me.
He first asked if he could giveme some advice and I was just
okay, sure what?
(06:53):
And he suggested to beat theboy with a belt.
I know that that's how he andhis wife raised my spouse and
his brother, and I know a lot ofpeople from my generation were
raised with belt as punishment.
I, however, was not.
I did get spanks, but I neverhad a whip or a belt or anything
like that in my family.
And it doesn't really matter,because the way that I felt
(07:15):
about it, which I toldTweedledum, I said you know, I
just don't feel right abouthitting him in any capacity
because I feel like belting himor hitting him in any way.
To me, hitting a kid asdisabled as Jacob is like
beating a senior citizen and Idon't think that it's okay.
I don't feel right about it.
I don't think he wouldunderstand it and I know that he
(07:38):
likes spankings.
That's always been a game, afun thing.
You know how the pain toleranceis, so high.
Anyway, I just didn't thinkthat that was a good idea, I
didn't think it would work and Ijust didn't.
I don't know, man, it just hurtmy heart and soul to even think
about belting him.
I don't care how much hetortures me, he's still disabled
, he is I.
He doesn't understand life theway we do and I just don't want
(08:00):
to bring that into his life.
And I told him, I said no, theonly you have to talk to his dad
about belting him.
I don't agree with it.
I think it's like belting asenior citizen and I won't do it
, I won't condone it, but youshould talk to his dad about
that.
You guys need to work that out,because, I mean, I am well
aware that he's not actually mychild, so I'm not going to get
(08:21):
involved in that at all, but I'mgoing to say personally no,
that's not a good idea.
That was where we left that.
Shortly after that, he offeredto help me and I don't remember,
honestly, if it was the samenight or another night within a
few days of that.
But he said you want me to helpyou out, and I mean, this is
from a man who does absolutelynothing.
(08:42):
He could drive right by anaccident and not even call 911.
So when you know that level ofnon-action exists within a
person, and then you find thatperson offering to help you, you
know your situation is bad.
Right, it had been going on fora couple years already anyway.
So he offered to help me onenight when things were really,
(09:02):
really out of hand.
I was ready to pull my hair out, it was bad, I couldn't handle
him, I couldn't do anything, andI said, yeah, okay, just don't
hit him.
You know just what are yougoing to do.
He goes, I'm just going to calmhim down, I'm just, you know, I
just want to talk to him andtell him to leave you alone.
I'm like, okay, yeah, thank you.
And at this point I was doubledover, my knees were buckling and
I couldn't support myself and Icouldn't work.
(09:24):
He had ruined my evening forwork.
I couldn't concentrate onanything.
I had been dealing with hisabuse for hours.
So I accepted the help.
I don't recommend it.
I mean, this man had been inour home for years.
By this point, everywhere welived, he spent a lot of time.
You would think that someonewho spends so much time with you
would understand somethingabout how you run your household
(09:45):
or how you treat your son, orsomething.
You know rules, a way to live,anything I don't know.
I guess I was just so desperateI didn't even think of what
could go wrong.
You know, I just needed helpand no one was there except him
and he offered and I accepted.
I ended up calling my spousewhile he was on the road and
bawling over the phone.
I felt so guilty and helplessbecause the help that I received
(10:10):
was verbal abuse and I'vealways taught my kid not to
tolerate people talking to himthe way this man talked to him,
and I don't talk to him that way, and up until that point I
hadn't anyway.
I mean, things got really badwhen he became an adult and I
can't say that I was always asaint, but during those years
that I'm talking about now, Ihad never spoken to him.
(10:32):
The way that he was yelled atby his grandfather that night
and all I heard was expletives.
All I heard was I don't, Iblocked it out.
I think I have a tendency to dothat, but I remember how he
used to talk to his othergrandson, the one that we took
into our home for a while.
We wanted to go rescue him andthis is why it's exactly.
(10:53):
What happened to him is whathappened to my son, and I was
still doubled over and on myknees.
I could not intervene and Idon't want to intervene while
he's dishing it out like that tohim, because that's going to be
their dynamic.
And I don't want to intervenewhile he's dishing it out like
that to him, because that'sgoing to be their dynamic.
I don't want to intervene andsay you know, give my son the
idea that papa is right or wrong.
That's going to be theirdynamic.
(11:15):
They are going to have to.
I can't you know, unless you'reactually hurting my child, I'm
not going to intervene with that, because I have a different way
of dealing with my son than myspouse has, you know, and
everyone is going to have theirown way of getting through to
him.
So I didn't want to thwart thatat all.
However, it was terrible.
It was, you know, you stupidmotherfucker, cocksucker, you
(11:37):
know, shut the fuck up.
And I mean, it was justterrible.
It was terrible and it rippedmy heart out and I was so
disappointed in myself forallowing this to happen.
And it was already done.
The damage was done.
You know, I just sat there andcried and I called my spouse, I
think while it was still goingon.
Yeah, it was still going on.
(11:58):
I remember I'm like, do youhear that?
I don't want to get in the way?
And he understood why I didn'twant to intervene, but it was so
sad, it was so sad, so fuckingsad.
I felt like such a failure.
I mean I can only take so much,but that was the wrong, wrong
person to accept help from, butI at least he didn't beat him.
(12:18):
You know we had alreadyestablished that, otherwise he
would have, I'm sure he wouldhave taken off his belt and beat
his ass.
I don't know, I feel terribleabout that.
Still, I don't know.
You know, I don't know how to?
What does what?
How do you decide what someonedeserves?
How do you decide?
You know, I want him tounderstand the effect that his
behavior has on others.
But how, how is one to decidewhat a kid like him actually
(12:42):
deserves?
After 20 years of telling himto be careful on the stairs or
be careful, you know, outside inthis area, and he falls and
busts his ass, I kind of feelthat he deserves that, after 20
years of not listening, one timehe needs to fall on his ass and
figure it out.
Maybe he'll remember and maybehe'll believe us, because he
sure the hell doesn't listen,you know.
(13:03):
But as far as the torture, Ijust I don't know what that
deserves.
I'm kind of an eye for an eyekind of person and I would
prefer to mess with him the sameway he messes with me, just to
help him understand.
Like.
This is the context.
You are familiar with theseactions and I'm going to show
you what these actions do.
I don't know, I don't know whatI expected, but anyway, the
(13:24):
interesting thing was that Jacobwas quote unquote good for
about a week and a half.
After that, his world didn'tmake sense to him anymore after
what happened between him andhis grandfather, and he didn't
know how to process.
It is what we think.
He was really quiet and awareand just kind of watching things
(13:48):
and being polite, and he didn'treally know his place in the
world anymore, because, all of asudden, he wasn't the baby, he
wasn't precious, he was treatedjust like everybody else.
You know what I mean, and itkind of scared him is what we
think.
He just was really off.
I mean, it was nice to havethat little break where he was
considerate, and I think itwasn't necessarily to help us,
(14:10):
it was to, you know, helphimself figure out what the
hell's going on.
Why did I get yelled at likethat?
Why am I not?
You know, I don't know.
We tried to reason with him foryears.
We tried and tried and tried,and this is what happened, and
it changed him for almost a fulltwo weeks.
Shortly after that, though,weird stuff started happening,
like he started eating chickenbones.
(14:32):
I went to clear his plate andhe didn't have any bones and I'm
like where's the bones?
And he couldn't say anything,but he indicated that he ate
them.
He just he's such an aggressiveeater and drinker and he's he
lives in fast forward all thetime, even back then, and he
fast forwarded himself intoeating the entire piece of
(14:53):
chicken, including the bones.
There was nothing left.
I was terrified, you know.
He did that twice and both timeswe had to just yell at him.
The only way that things getthrough to him is if you yell at
him and really mean it and wedon't like to yell, you know,
but we had to yell at him andtry to scare him into not eating
the bones.
Don't eat the bones.
(15:13):
You've never eaten the bones,he's 14.
He doesn't need me to take themeat off the bone.
Just eat it and don't eat thebones.
You've never eaten the bones,he's 14.
He doesn't need me to take themeat off the bone.
Just eat it and don't eat thebone.
He knows this.
This is not a new process forhim, you know, but he started
eating chicken bones and hestarted eating out of the
garbage and he started eatingout of the sink after the plates
were rinsed and whatever was inthe sink, he would go over
there and he would eat it.
(15:34):
And we caught him and that'show we know.
He also started taking my freshfiltered water, filling up a
big glass and going straightover to the sink and dumping it
out, not even drinking it.
And he's kind of a neuroticwater drinker because, you know,
he doesn't know what to do withhimself, so he just drinks and
drinks and drinks.
And then he just skipped thedrinking and he just fills it up
and dumps it down the drain.
And he kept doing that Everysingle step of the way.
(15:55):
We had to yell at him, you know,don't eat out of the garbage,
don't eat out of the sink.
Years later I found out thatthere's something called PICA, I
think, right, P-I-C-A that youshould look into if your kid is
eating out of the garbage.
But he only did it twice and itwasn't like a constant thing.
As soon as we caught him doingit, we yelled at him until he
(16:15):
stopped, you know.
So he did it two or three timesand then he didn't do it.
But during that same time hewas eating garbage out of the
sink.
Even the scraps that like wererinsed and cut and left in there
.
For, you know, after dinnercleanup, I mean it was just
gross.
What are you doing?
Ugh.
So all of that was going on.
And then he starts talking likehe's in a video game and like
moving like he's in a video game, and it was getting really
(16:37):
creepy.
We didn't know what to do.
We were just like wide-eyedstaring at each other like what
the hell is going on with thisboy?
He sounds and looks like hethinks he's in a video game.
It got worse.
He used to act like he thoughthe was in a video game, you know
, jumping and then trying tolook.
Jump on my head.
He would just look at the topof my head.
(16:59):
But now I mean, it was just.
It was worse.
We got really freaked out and wedecided no more video games, no
more movies, no more YouTube,nothing.
We are going on a camping detox.
We're going to go camping andwe're going to detox from
electronics.
We had a little site set upwhere I told you that everything
went down with the family andthe gluten and all that.
We went back there and we wentback there for a week.
(17:21):
Now, it was on our property sowe could go home anytime.
We went home to go to thebathroom and clean him up, give
him a bath and all that, but wespent an entire week in the
wilderness, no electronics atall.
It seemed to help.
He was really pissed off.
He was still hating everything.
All the food that I made, hedidn't want to eat it.
He would just throw a fit andit was good food.
(17:41):
He loved it.
I would make the same stuff athome and he would eat it.
But all of a sudden now he justno, I don't want it, just
pissed off about everything.
And we just had to deal with it.
We were trying to teach himabout the birds and you know,
just get him to focus on thingsfarther than two feet from his
face and no screen time at all.
And we took it really seriously.
And then we took a few days offand we went back out for
(18:04):
another week After that.
We did not allow him to haveelectronics at all.
You know, if he went to histherapy and stuff, whatever they
needed to do, is fine, but hewasn't going to school and all
of that and he was just at homeall the time, unless he went to
therapy, and we just no.
No more video games, no moreiPad, no more YouTube.
I would let him watch littlekind of educational cartoons on
(18:26):
the big TV.
But when they were over, theywere over.
You know it was like a 20minute thing and that's it and
you can like it or not like it,but that's what you get to do.
It did break him temporarily oftalking and acting like he was
in a video game.
It really freaked us out and itscared us straight.
We had heard about all the stuffyou know about too much energy
and electricity being in thehouse or in the room where the
(18:49):
autistic child is sleeping andyou should shut off all
electricity to the child's roomwhile they're asleep so that
they don't get interrupted andall that jazz.
And you know that's kind ofimpossible.
You know he gets hot.
You got to have power in theroom so we just started making
sure nothing else was plugged inbut what needed to be plugged
in for air circulation.
But we did try.
(19:10):
We tried to eliminate the toxicload of energy from his area
and we detoxed him fromelectronics.
It seemed to help a little bit,but he was still an asshole, to
be honest.
Later, after all of that, hestarts even more stuff.
So one day we wake up, step outof our bedroom and the house
smells like soap, very fragrant.
(19:30):
I'm like.
What is this?
Because we had cut out alltoxic ingredients from our lives
.
We didn't have any toxichousehold cleaners, nothing,
laundry dishes, all that kind ofstuff.
I am suffering from toxicoverload so I had to get rid of
all of that.
So I couldn't figure out why itsmelled so damn fragrant
upstairs in the hallway ofbedrooms and went over to check
(19:54):
on Jacob's bathroom and foundthat his sink was full.
He had stuffed an entire hardstick of deodorant.
He got it out of the containerand stuffed it down the drain
and filled the sink up withwater.
It was completely gone, exceptfor a little bit, and it was way
, way down in there.
You know, if you put on enoughdegree deodorant it's going to
foam up under your arms and looklike soap, and that's what
(20:16):
happened in the actual sink.
There's just big, big foamysuds on top of all this water.
The water's flowing out ontothe floor.
It was a disaster and nobodysaid anything.
The grandfather wasn't there atthe time, but Tweedledee was
the uncle.
He was in the same hallway.
Our hallway was like a U-shapeand we were on one side and they
were on the other.
Never heard anything about it.
(20:37):
Nobody said anything right, andthat would just be.
Either Jacob or Tweedledeecould have given us some kind of
indication that something waswrong.
But that's how we got to wakeup one day and from there it
just got worse.
He's stuffing deodorant and nowhe's stuffing bars of soap down
the drain.
He's emptying any kind ofliquid shower soap all over the
(21:01):
place and he's now he's flushingtoys.
We had to remove the toiletseveral times to fix it because
he kept flushing hard toys downthe toilet.
And we wake up early Like whenare you doing this?
You know he was nowhere to befound around the scene of the
crime and it just didn't makeany sense.
He was, you know, nowhere nearthe scene of the crime.
Anytime we found him, and itwas just it was.
(21:21):
Oh man, it was so aggravating.
One time it was around Christmasagain and I had just hung a
bunch of really pretty glitterysnowflakes and stuff on my
chandelier in my foyer and I hadjust received a guest and we
were standing there in the foyergetting the coats and shoes off
and stuff my chandelier startsleaking brown water right on top
of us, and this had been.
(21:42):
You know this was like theseventh or eighth time that this
had happened.
But this one was really brownwater and it just, you know,
it's coming right down a lightfixture.
It scared me and also I waspissed because I had just
cleaned the whole house.
It was sparkly clean and herecomes this brown water just
running out of my chandelier.
So I run upstairs to find outand there's Jacob at the top of
(22:05):
the stairs laughing his ass off,shaking his hands and jumping.
I was so pissed off.
I went down, you know I had tomove out of the way and I went
down around the corner to hisbathroom and, yep, he had
everything overflowing at once,everything.
And I hadn't left him alonevery long at all, I had been
watching him like a hawk.
So the whole damn room ofliquid is overflowing, falling
(22:28):
through my chandelier downstairs.
And I was so pissed off Iactually grabbed his wrist and
it was so weird because, again,touch for him is affection, he
loves being touched.
And when I grabbed his wrist andit was so weird because, again,
touch for him is affection, heloves being touched and when I
grabbed his wrist, it instantlysoftened his demeanor.
I saw it right on him, but Iwas already in motion.
I didn't stop what I was doing.
But while I was in motion I sawthat it softened his face.
(22:51):
It softened his demeanor and heinstantly attached affection
and caring and love to me,touching his wrist.
But here comes my right handand I smack the top of his hand
so hard I had.
The reason I grabbed his wristis so he would get the full
brunt of it and not fall awayfrom my smack on his hand.
I wanted to hit him and I hithim in the hand.
(23:12):
I never did feel bad about it,but I did see the shock on his
face.
He thought I was giving him aloving gesture.
Well, why the hell would I dothat?
You're ruining my whole house.
No, this is not a hug and akiss, honey.
He knew.
He knew that was not a love tap, and that's what I wanted him
to know.
That's why I steadied his handfirst.
But I was so mad.
(23:33):
Another thing he started, likehe one day.
We're sitting downstairs andwe're having a you know, family
discussion about whatever'sgetting ready to happen, and
here comes Jacob down the stairswith his entire nightstand
table carrying it, the wholething.
He had trashed his room andthen picked up his nightstand
and walked it down the stairsand he paraded it around the
(23:56):
entire house.
It down the stairs and heparaded it around the entire
house.
We're just watching him likeokay, we didn't say anything,
but I mean it's just weird.
I don't know, I have no ideawhat he was doing, but he was
just and he carries it.
Really weird because he doesn'tunderstand like body mechanics
or anything.
So it was just really funny.
I don't know why he had it likeunder his forearms and his
(24:18):
wrists were super hyper, bentover carrying it from underneath
the top of it.
It was just, he doesn't knowhow to do stuff, so it was just
really funny.
I still don't know why he didthat, but you know, just weird
stuff.
All of this keeps going on andgoing on and I actually think
that these are the events thatled up to him beating his head
(24:40):
on stuff.
Yes, actually I remember nowbecause, like I said, it was
winter when he did that floodingof the bathroom really badly
and it was also winter when hebegan smashing his head on the
snow and the ice and eventuallythe snow that's right on top of
the sidewalk and you knowemergency rooms constantly and
all that.
So sidewalk, and you knowemergency rooms constantly and
all that.
So he starts, you know, banginghis head on icebergs outside.
(25:03):
And finally, during ourfreakout, we finally learn from
Tweedledee, because Tweedledeehad come and he lived in the
woods on our property for, Ithink, over a year, but when the
weather got too harsh, he movedinto the house and there was a
bedroom that he and his brothershared when they were there.
So he was in that bedroombecause it was the dead of
(25:24):
winter and it was very cold andhe had been there for months
already.
This was probably February whenall of this is going on and he
finally says something.
Months and months and months.
And we were spinning our wheelstrying to figure it out.
You know, doctors andconstantly what is going on?
I don't know.
(25:45):
I don't understand what's goingon.
I'm watching him like a hawkand when, as soon as I blink,
everything's destroyed.
I don't know what's going on.
So finally, tweedledee tells usthat Jacob hasn't been sleeping
for months.
Tweedledee tells us that Jacobhasn't been sleeping for months.
I was so pissed.
I was like what, how long hasthis been going on?
And now my spouse is grillinghim about it and he's like oh
(26:12):
yeah, I can hear him all thetime.
Even when Tweedledum was there.
He had left and you know he hadbeen gone for a while, and so
Tweedledee was the only onethere.
Even when both of them werethere, it comes out.
Oh yeah, even when my brotherwas here, we could hear him
flipping the light on and off,on and off, on and off all night
.
I'm like all night.
I thought that was just in themorning, oh no, it was all the
time and it's all the time now.
I didn't get any sleep.
He's up at 2 30 in the morning.
(26:32):
Every time I get up to go pee Igotta ask him to get out of the
bathroom and then when I goback to go to bed, he's in his
room flipping the light switchon and off, on and off, on and
off.
I can hear everything that hedoes, and he's been doing this
for months.
We were like didn't you everthink to tell us, don't you
(26:53):
think that's a problem, that heis not sleeping at night and
he's acting like a psycho duringthe day?
You didn't think that we neededthat information.
I was so pissed Like what?
You're in my house, you'reusing my heat, you're using my
food, my water, dude, what thefuck?
You can't help me out.
Why is it so hard for thesepeople to help?
All you have to do is say Ihave witnessed this and I don't
think you're aware.
I think it would help you withwhat you're trying to figure out
(27:15):
.
Here's some information.
I'm not asking you to step inand discipline my kid.
I'm not asking you to go tellhim to go to sleep.
I'm not asking you to deal withhim at all.
I'm asking you to report whatyou see and hear, and I
shouldn't have to ask.
This should just be a thing.
You see me being tortured.
You see him hurting himself.
You see him destroying thehouse and you see something that
(27:35):
I don't see, which is that he'snot sleeping.
I am sleeping because I'mexhausted, so I don't know.
I didn't have any idea.
Neither did my spouse, becausewhen we would go to bed, he was
silent and he was asleep as faras we could tell.
We didn't go in there becausewe didn't want to wake him up.
You know, ugh, I mean monthsand months of hell.
No more naps during the day,because I used to make him take
(27:55):
a nap.
It used to be a nice thing, andthen it was like a necessary
like.
I need you to go the fuck tobed, leave me alone, you know.
So I would make sure he wouldget a nice big lunch and go to
sleep in the daytime.
Well, no more naps.
So that really screwed up a lotmore stuff, because now he's
bitchy during the day even moreand I had to get him some
melatonin.
We still weren't on any meds,couldn't even really get a
(28:17):
doctor, as I mentioned before.
We kept seeing a nursepractitioner who kept saying the
doctor was out or the doctorwas sick or whatever.
We couldn't really get any goodcare.
So we were just, you know,doing what we could.
I didn't have any cannabis andit wasn't legal yet and all that
stuff.
So I was just starting out withmelatonin and no naps during
the day.
Shortly after that, the stateprogram finally got fully funded
(28:40):
and we started getting thingsthat we desperately needed.
So the first thing I asked forafter talking to the lady that
runs the therapy, the nonprofitthere I talked to her and she
said you should ask for a videobaby monitor.
Now, remember, I've never hadkids, I've never had babies,
I've never I've nannied, butI've never had any of the baby
(29:02):
stuff.
Okay, and I didn't have anyidea that this was a thing.
So we ended up getting a freevideo baby monitor to put in his
room and boy oh boy was thateye-opening.
I cannot wait.
Next episode, I will tell youwhat we saw and I'm going to
post the videos with it on myFacebook and social media, just
(29:23):
so you can see this, in case youever wonder and you don't have
a video baby monitor.
I'm actually out of time.
I can hear him freaking outrunning around right now and his
dad is home, but it's not aone-person job.
I want to tell you real quick.
The past two to four weeksactually have actually the past
six weeks have been reallyabsolute hell with his behaviors
.
I have not been very impressedwith anything, but just the
(29:46):
other day he came down here toget me and he was in a big hurry
and he looked happier than Ihave seen him in a while.
He has a way of saying grandpaand grandma without the P or the
M, so it's like growl, growl iscoming, growl is coming.
And I'm like what, what are yousaying?
Growl is coming.
So now he pinches out his lip.
When I say what he does thatstill, and now he'll pinch his
(30:13):
lip.
He's managed to adapt to now,just looking stupid and still
saying the words that you know,still not being able to be
understood.
He says girl's coming, girl'scoming.
I'm like what he says come here, come here, I will show you the
best that he could.
And so I said, okay, I start tofollow him.
He goes.
I'm so excited, I'm so excitedand I got up there and I'm like
what is it?
There's no one in the house,right, and he's like grandpa's
talking to grandma, like what hesays outside.
(30:33):
I'm like, oh.
So I look outside and thegrandmother is parked in the
driveway with someone in thepassenger seat and the
grandfather is standing in thedriveway talking to her through
the window of the van.
And Jacob is excited and hekept saying grandma's coming,
grandma's coming, grandpa istalking to Grandma.
That's what he was saying.
Kept spying because I wanted tomake sure it wasn't one of the
(30:56):
other two kids in the van withher, because they're both coming
around lately in this town.
It wasn't, it was the woman'ssister.
So I felt safe about that.
But it was very sad because, asmuch as she has neglected him,
when he sees her he thinks she'scoming in, he thinks it's
exciting and I'm believing thathe thinks she's there to see him
(31:16):
.
And then she pulled away.
They saw us looking through thewindow.
They didn't wave, they didn'tdo anything, they drove away.
The next day Jacob was beingcrazy again and he ran by me out
of his room.
I was in the hall and he rushedby me and I noticed that his
arm was discolored.
I was like whoa, whoa, whoa,and you know we were both trying
to rein him in at the time.
(31:37):
He was being psycho.
So his dad was downstairs, Iwas upstairs and we were kind of
cattle ranching him, I guess.
So I said whoa, whoa, whoa,something's wrong with his arm.
His arm's discolored, let'slook at it.
So my spouse grabs his arm.
He's like what is that?
And I got to look at it and theplace where it was, and that's
exactly where the other gooseegg and bruise was when I saw it
.
And then the next day I saw himbite his arm and so he was like
(31:59):
did you hurt your arm?
He's like yes, and he's likewhere?
What happened, you know?
And of course he's just goingto stare at you.
Once that little conversationwas over and Jacob's back was to
me, his dad was still talkingto him and I motioned to my
spouse with my own arm and myown teeth that that was a bite.
And he was like, oh no, I don'tthink so.
I'm like no, I'm telling youit's a bite.
I'm pretty sure that's a bite.
(32:21):
Look at where it's at.
So he asked him he's freakingout enough that we couldn't
control him.
He was stripping all hisclothes off, stomping around,
hulk voicing, and then he goesand bites his arm again.
And I was like hey, hey, hey,no, no, no, I didn't want to
freak out like that, but I don'tknow, it just came out.
(32:42):
I try not to give his negativebehaviors that loud negative
attention, because I'm prettysure that's what he wants.
That's what he wants, that'swhat professionals have told me
and I kind of believe it.
So I really try not to reactlike that.
But I just couldn't help itbecause I don't want him biting
himself.
It's horrific to see.
I felt dumb and disappointed inmyself for reacting that way
(33:04):
and not taking a breath firstand trying to, you know, figure
out a different way to react.
But it did get his dad'sattention and then he got in
trouble for trying to bitehimself.
But I need to look through mypodcast notes and figure out
whether the first biting episodewas anywhere around a time when
she was here, because I kind offeel like it was and I kind of
(33:25):
feel like this is what happensnow when she comes and ignores
him.
She just flat out ignored him.
She didn't even try to come inand see him.
You know why does she have topull up in sight of my son and
get him excited?
He's excited.
He's saying the best that hecan to me.
He is excited that she is here,that she is coming.
He thinks she's here to see himand she's coming in and she
(33:45):
just fucking left just likeeveryone else does.
So I don't have a happy littleanecdote or anything like that.
That is the most communicationthat we've had in the past two
weeks with him and it's justheartbreaking and sad.
And I'm pretty sure that, eventhough I've asked him are you
okay, are you mad?
And I you know I try my bestwhen it's just me and him
(34:06):
upstairs and I'm cooking and I,hey, are you okay?
Did it make you happy, sad ormad about grandma being outside?
You know, I'm just, I'm trying.
I don't want to put words in hismouth and just make him say yes
, I'm trying to help him picksomething and I just want to
know, so that I know, so that Ican say, hey, you are doing this
(34:33):
to my child.
I want you to stop.
You know, I'm just trying tomake a connection, or have him
help me make a connection, andjust tell me, why are you biting
yourself?
What brought this on?
He doesn't just bite himselfevery day, and the stuff that he
does do every day is just everyday.
As soon as he gets up, hestarts it.
But I hate not knowing.
I hate that he can't say it,because I can't help him.
If he can't say it, I don'thave any.
I just come off as a crazyparent, and my spouse does too.
(34:56):
If we just, you know, equate it, well, hey, you know you were
here and then he did this, youknow, I mean, I need man, I need
some proof, I need something.
I wish that he could just sayit.
You know he wasn't.
Sometimes he'll say I'm sad, orwhatever.
And he was.
He was sad, he bawled, for Ithink it might've been that
morning.
He might've sobbed all over hisdad for like 20 minutes and I
(35:18):
just, man, I swear to God it'sbecause of her, and I.
Just how do you get someone torespect your kid when they're
supposed to love himunconditionally and instead all
they do is trigger him and noteven acknowledge him, like he
doesn't even deserve high?
It's just so sad.
We really we need more.
He deserves more, we deservemore.
(35:40):
It's just so much and there'snothing positive about it.
You know, we need to createsomething where we can just give
him access to things that heneeds, access to therapies and
different activities, and, youknow, just let him explore life
a little bit in a safeenvironment and allow us a safe
environment to man to figure outhow to get some respite, you
(36:04):
know?
I mean, how can we be expectedto continue on like this forever
, can you?
What are we going to do?
I'm getting ready to record mypresentation for my little
blueprint that I've created hereand I'm going to probably post
it as a podcast episode as well.
You won't get the visuals, butI'm just going to try everything
I can to get this out there,because I think it's a little
(36:24):
bit of a start to an answer forwhat I was just asking.
Oh, wait, wait, yes, I do havesomething good.
I just got a Palo Santo stickrecently.
It's kind of like a sage smudgestick, but it's Palo Santo and
I decided to smudge the housewith it just to clear it of
energies and stuff.
So I smudged myself first, thenI smudged my spouse and then I
(36:45):
did Jacob and Jacob watched medo his dad.
So I had him stand there and heloves to put his arms out like
we used to do when we were kids.
You have to stick your arms outto get bug spray all over you.
He loves that position.
And then he heard what I saidand I swirled the smoking stick
around him.
And so I'm swirling the stickaround his top of his head and
(37:05):
his eyes closed and I saidsomething like I cleanse you of
any negative energies.
And you know, and I did aroundhis heart and I said I cleanse
your heart space of any negativeand stagnant energies.
And I did that all around allof his limbs and he just loved
that.
When I got to his heart andbelly area he just it wasn't
even looking at me, he justtotally relaxed and threw his
head back and took a big deepbreath and he goes ah.
(37:28):
So I thought that was reallycool.
But we do feel that the energyin our house is a little bit
lighter now and I had noticedthat he always throws his head
over his right shoulder andlooks to the back of the room,
to this one particular corner ofthe house, and he's been doing
it for years in this house.
So I cleansed all the cornersand invited love, light and
positive energy to fill everycorner of the house.
(37:51):
I did that all the way through.
I doubled down on his bedroomand over his bed, all around
underneath his bed.
You know, I just did everything.
We left the house and came backand we really feel that it's a
little bit lighter in here, justthe energy alone.
And I haven't noticed himthrowing his head back over to
that corner.
He's done it, but not with theintensity and it looks like he's
(38:14):
just not even interested in thecorner anymore.
He doesn't hold the gaze nearlyas long.
So I don't know, I don't know,but that's about the coolest
story I have for this pastcouple of weeks, so I hope you
enjoyed it.
You hang in there, you're asuperhero.
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