April 28, 2025 • 29 mins
Motherhood takes many forms, and caregiving might be the most overlooked version. This Mother's Day episode challenges us to reconsider who deserves celebration and recognition.
The numbers tell a striking story: Americans spent $33 billion on Mother's Day last year, showering traditional mothers with gifts and attention. Meanwhile, family caregivers perform somewhat similar work—often with many challenges—yet receive little acknowledgment. As caregivers, we embody the very definition of mothering: "bringing up with care and affection." We provide selfless support and unconditional love and prioritize our loved ones' needs above our own. Sound familiar? That's motherhood in its purest form.
Unlike traditional parents who choose their role and prepare for it, caregivers are typically thrust into responsibility without warning. We didn't plan for our parents to develop Alzheimer's or dementia. We didn't anticipate becoming responsible for another adult's survival. Yet here we stand, without the recognition. For those in the "sandwich generation" simultaneously raising children while caring for aging parents, the burden is doubly heavy—yet society rarely acknowledges this extraordinary dual mothering role.
This Mother's Day, I'm advocating that caregivers claim their rightful place in the celebration. Whether you're caring for a parent, spouse, sibling, or friend, the selfless nature of your work deserves recognition. Tell your circle that, as someone performing motherly duties, you're open to receiving the gifts, dinners, and celebrations typically reserved for traditional mothers. And consider how this challenging journey might be transforming you, developing greater patience, compassion, and resilience that benefits not just your loved one, but ripples outward to enhance all your relationships.
Join our Patreon community at patreon.com/JSmilesStudios to connect with fellow caregivers and access behind-the-scenes content.
Host: J Smiles
Producer: Mia Hall
Editor: Annelise Udoye
"Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Happy Mother's Day, parenting Up community, and I
mean it from the depths of mysoul, from your girl, Jay Smiles
.
Happy Mother's Day I want youto lean into.
Whatever love means to you,whatever being supported means
to you, whatever having someoneunconditionally have your back.
(00:23):
Now, maybe it was not yourmother, maybe the woman who
actually birthed you is not theone who gives you those fuzzies.
Don't let that distract youfrom the higher meaning of what
Mother's Day was created to do.
So what woman has given youthat wink, that love, that
(00:48):
encouragement in spirituality,in professionalism, in
socializing, in relationshipswith somebody romantic?
Who's that woman?
Or maybe it's even a cluster ofwomen.
If you are so fortunate and solucky as to have like a uh, a
(01:10):
tribunal of women who just theygot you Now, they might put
their elbow in your neck thatwas me smacking my elbow If you
don't show up in a way that theythink you should.
But that's cool, that's cool.
So, happy Mother's Day to youand to the village of women who
(01:36):
have made you who you are.
Parenting up caregivingadventures with comedian Jay
Smiles is the intense journey ofunexpectedly being fully
responsible for my mama.
For over a decade I've beenchipping away at the unknown,
advocating for her and pushingAlzheimer's awareness on anyone
(01:57):
and anything with a heartbeat.
Spoiler alert this shit isheavy.
That's why I started doingcomedy, so be ready for the
jokes.
Caregiver newbies, ogs andvillage members just willing to
prop up a caregiver you are inthe right place.
(02:17):
Hi, this is Betty.
I hope you enjoy my daughter'spodcast.
You got okay.
Today's supporter shout outcomes from YouTube, kathy B6358.
(02:39):
I quote I know that support wasunbelievable.
We got likes and thumbs up andall kinds of stuff, thank you.
Thank you, captain B6358.
If you want to receive asupporter shout out, then you
know what to do.
Go to Apple Podcasts or YouTubeor Instagram.
(03:02):
We are parenting up on allthose platforms.
Okay, tell us what you like,give us that review, make your
comment.
That feedback really does makea difference, not only in the
algorithm, but what content webring you next.
(03:28):
Today's episode caregivingmotherhood in disguise.
$33 billion that's what wespent in the United States on
Mother's Day last year.
The year before, that wasactually two billion more
(03:52):
dollars.
Ok, so I don't know how y'alltreat your mama the other days,
but woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
She get them gifts, she getsthat dinner.
And why do we do that?
She gets them gifts, she getsthat dinner, and why do we do
that?
Why do we shower those women onthat day with so much love,
affection and attention?
(04:26):
I think about it all the timebecause it depends on really how
you define a mother, as to whoabout to get part of that gift
and that chicken meal onMother's Day.
In a Troy sense, parenting upfamily.
I'm not a mother, if you, ifyou like, how we define this
thing, who are you asking?
You asking a neighbor, or areyou asking the dictionary?
Well, the dictionary, first ofall, a mother is the word mother
.
Well, we are talking about themother, the bad word mother, but
(04:57):
mother can be a verb or a noun.
I am a mom, but mothers do Allright about that, because I
think there's some other peopleout there like me who might not
recognize that, though a humandid not come out of your private
parts, you are indeed a mother.
So Oxford Dictionary says thata mother is defined as bringing
(05:20):
up with care and affection.
Okay, parenting up community.
You bringing up your parent,your spouse, your sibling.
You bringing them up, youkeeping them alive If they have
dementia, alzheimer's,parkinson's, any of that stuff,
if you stop your care right now,they're going to die very soon.
(05:47):
Well, okay, I, I okay.
Hold on.
I don't want to be too bold ony'all.
Let's just say they're livinglonger because of you.
So are you kind of a mother?
You know what I mean Like andthis is even more, I think,
telling for us in the caregivingcommunity when you ask a woman
(06:11):
who has been defined in currentsociety as a mother, hey, tell
us what you think it means to bea mom.
What's the difference betweenyou and other people?
And I quote being a mother isselfless.
You're giving unconditionallove and you're putting the
(06:34):
needs of your kid above yourself.
Now I'm going to just sit backin this chair that I'm in and
I'm going to let everybody inthe sound and the vision the
sound of my voice and the visionof my face, depending on how
you are absorbing this podcastepisode Think about that.
How the hell is that not theparenting up community?
(06:55):
That's all we do.
We are selfless.
It's unconditional love, and weare so putting our LOs above
ourself, our loved ones, anybodywho's new to the community?
We are FCGs, family caregivers.
We don't get paid, we pay.
We actually pay money to be acaregiver.
(07:19):
It's so silly.
It's so silly and it's we alsopay with our emotions, with our
bodies, the the relationshipsthat we lose, because when you
go 10 toes down this caregivingworld, it's a haze.
Maybe we should start asorority and a fraternity,
(07:42):
because it is a haze or it'smilitary like, and then you got
to get up at this time and behome at this time and don't be
AWOL.
You know what I mean.
Leave without absence, withoutleave, meaning they didn't tell
you you could be gone.
I tell you what if Zeddy'scaregivers text or call me and I
(08:02):
don't respond, within theymight give me 30 minutes.
They start calling all my linesisters.
I'm a Delta.
I am sitting right now in somein a shirt that's red.
It has votes, votes stitchedacross it and where the O would
be is our crest.
(08:23):
And I'm so Delta-tified becausethat's a big thing that my mom
and I share.
My nails are white, except myring finger is red, because I
don't know if y'all know thereason why, supposedly you put
your ring finger, your weddingring, on the left hand and the
finger second to the pinky isthat's the one that the vein or
(08:47):
something goes right up to yourheart.
Whatever.
I'm not a doctor, I'm justsaying that's what they threw
out there.
And so that one I have coloredred with some little white
sparkles on it for all mydeltarin, and I got the same
thing on my toes.
My toes are white, with the bigtoe being red.
And what does all this mean, jay?
(09:12):
Why are you telling us all ofthis?
You can define mother howeveryou want to.
That's what I'm trying to tellyou.
I'm trying to tell you tocelebrate yourself in being a
caregiver.
So if your mother is the personyou're caring for and maybe you
all can't exchange gifts orpleasantries, you can't hug and
kiss her and know that sherecognizes what you're doing you
(09:33):
can celebrate yourself onMother's Day and you know what
else you could ask people tocelebrate you.
You can.
You know what.
Everybody's walking aroundtelling people how they identify
.
You can say, as a familycaregiver on Mother's Day, I
identify as being very motherlyto this person I'm caring for
(09:55):
and I am open for all gifts,parties, dinners and anything
y'all want to give me.
We have to advocate forourselves.
A whole lot of people don'tknow what we need.
They don't know if we considerourselves to be parents.
That's a tricky issue.
(10:15):
I don't consider myself aparent.
I consider myself my mama'scaregiver, but in the broadest
definition of being a mother, Iwant to go ahead and say I am
killing it, I am mothering thehell out of my mama.
I don't even know what thatmeans.
We're going to have to come upwith some new words.
I mean, if Beyonce can makeBuddha delicious a word, we
(10:36):
ought to be able to make a newword for when you mama, your
mama, what are you?
You the mama, mama, I'm thedouble mama.
I'm the mama over the mama,mama under the mama Parenting up
community.
What we do is hard.
We don't have a moment in timewhere we get celebrated like
(10:58):
traditional parents do, butwe're doing as much, much or
maybe even more.
And before anybody jumps on me,what do you mean by more, jay?
What I mean by more is wedidn't plan to be here.
Biological parents do plan tohave a kid.
(11:20):
Even if they didn't plan to getpregnant, they did say we're
going to go ahead and keep thisbaby and we're going to raise
this child.
That was a decision that theyknew in advance and most people
actually like yeah, I want to bea parent Because you want to
have a little kid, a littlemini-me and whatever.
(11:41):
Leave my DNA on the world.
I have yet to hear any familycaregiver say, oh, I'm so happy
that my mama or my daddy isfalling apart and they need me.
I just haven't.
I've yet to hear it, not onetime, even for caregivers who
(12:07):
may enjoy the work.
How did you in advance thinkabout your mom or your dad
crashing out so early in lifethat now you got to take care of
them or be in charge of theiraffairs?
I ain't mad at nobody, no, no.
(12:28):
So I you know what I'madvocating for us taking a chunk
out of Mother's Day for ourself.
And heaven, shmevens, if youare part of that sandwich
community where you actuallyhave a child, somebody who is a
minor or younger than you, andyou got your parent, you should
(12:50):
take the Saturday off beforeMother's Day and the Monday
after the Sunday you need.
I am calling that's what I'mJames Miles is calling.
I'm calling a three day weekendif you in the sandwich
generation, because one day isbecause of your kids, the other
day is because of this loved one, this parent that you care for,
(13:10):
and then the third day isbecause that's the day that they
giving to everybody else whoain't even doing as much as you.
Right, that's ain't nobody gottime for that.
Hey, what's up?
Parented Up family.
Guess what?
Have you ever wanted to connectwith other caregivers?
You wanna see more behind thescenes footage?
(13:33):
Wanna know what me and Zeddyare doing?
I know you do All things.
Jsmiles are finally ready foryou, even when I go live.
Uh-huh, do it now with us onPatreon.
Join us in the Patreoncommunity.
(13:53):
Catch everything we're doing.
Visit patreoncom forward.
Slash JSmilesStudios with an S.
Zetty defined herself as amother more than anything else.
She told me all the time thatbeing a mom changed the
(14:16):
trajectory of her life and thatit mattered most to her what I
thought about, what she wasdoing or what our relationship
was.
So I do lean into that and Iuse that a lot when the dark,
dark, dark night comes and stuffisn't going so well.
(14:37):
Dark night comes and stuffisn't going so well.
In my instance, my mom reallycared about me.
First, she did all the thingsand whatever she didn't do she
got somebody else to do, and youknow what else.
When it didn't work, she wouldtell me baby mama made a mistake
(15:04):
, or I know you said you wantedthis, but you can't have that
because I don't have no money,or you can't have that because I
gotta go out of town.
She would explain it to me.
So there was what Conversationand communication which,
generically speaking, women, Ibetter add.
I'm just going to go ahead andcall that out there.
(15:25):
There's some study somewhere,statistically, so you go look it
up if you don't believe me.
But I'm just going to stand tentoes down on that.
And Zetty would make sure that,no matter what, we were together
on Mother's Day.
There were times when I waseither in somewhere getting a
(15:45):
degree in somebody's universityor working and I couldn't be
with her.
I couldn't get home toMontgomery Alabama.
Your girl would tell her mamaand my daddy Well I'm, I will
see y'all later.
On Mother's Day I'm going to bewith my child because she can't
come home.
All of that helps me when timesare stressful and strenuous.
(16:15):
As her caregiver, I actuallylean into the thought of what
Mother's Day and what it being amother is about.
It's selfless, put the needs ofothers before your own.
But we hear about that in somany other parts of life.
People who are in the militarysay that's the only way it works
(16:36):
is that you got to put thewhole unit above yourself and
then, whatever your commandersay, oh, in these corporations
OK, the ones that we likethere's a board of directors and
you know you got to do what'sbest for the shareholders and
what's best for your employees,even if it's not what you want
to do.
All of this strings togetherlike not what you want to do.
All of this strings togetherLike the main points of what
(17:06):
being a mother is are the sameparameters that define the best
teams in the world, find thebest teams on the world, in the
world.
That's how bad ass being amother is.
(17:30):
That if you know how to do that, you can do anything else
Academically, professionally,socially, blah.
Go for it, because you areputting the greater good and the
whole team or the whole projectahead of.
Well, you know, I just I reallythought we should make the
(17:52):
thing blue.
Well, whatever, nobody wants itto be blue.
I'm speaking of now like if youwere a product designer, which
I was a few iterations ofcareers ago.
(18:12):
I hope you all are feeling mereal hard on this mother thing,
because it we throw the wordaround so much and everybody
doesn't really lean into it andgrasp it Right, because then you
got you have stepmoms, you haveadoptive moms, you got bonus
moms.
We can get rid of all thoseother stuff and those adjectives
.
The thing is, you're a mother.
There's a reason why all theathletes, when they got the $100
(18:36):
million thing, they look intothe camera and they say thank
you, mom.
It doesn't mean that theirdaddy was absent, it don't even
mean that he wasn't a greatfather, but it's something to
that thing of being a mother andyou don't have to have birthed
(18:57):
the child for you to be a mother.
That's what we know in societynow.
So many of us are mothers.
Don't let anybody fight you forthat, because if you're doing
the work of mothers, how come?
I mean you can, you can use thetitle or not, but the point is
(19:19):
you're doing the work.
I don't know how many of youperhaps wanted to have children
and either did not or could not.
Maybe biologically you couldn't, or maybe you looked up and you
were 50 and, like dang, Iforgot to have a kid.
(19:43):
I was busy running thesestreets or crashing these glass
ceilings and I just didn't getaround to it.
Anyway, right now you somewhere, you childless and you know
you're not going to have a child, childless, and you know you're
not going to have a child butdoes it really mean that there's
(20:03):
no part of you that is alreadygiving out mothering stuff?
Alright, now, okay, and toeverybody who actually has a kid
that you are raising from liketwo or four or zero age, or
eight or 12.
Don't be blowing your horn andgetting in my DMs mad like Jay,
(20:31):
but that's I'm not saying thatyour mothering is unworthy, it's
like two, it's more than oneway to them all.
It's more than one way to be amother and as family caregivers.
(20:54):
And while we're in, I believe,like a critical point in the
fight of our life, for us to getresources, acknowledgement, you
know, time off, work, paidleave, insurance, all of this
kind of stuff.
First thing is people got torecognize what all we're really
doing.
If they knew we were doing theequivalent of being a mother for
(21:20):
an adult that is almost like akid I think we'd get a whole lot
more respect, because everybodyrespects the air quote role of
being a mother.
And you fool around and tellsomebody that you're the mother
of someone with special needsman, people, the people.
(21:42):
You know what the dealershipmight give you a car, oh my
goodness, no, you're a young mom, You're a mom an unexpected mom
and then your baby comes outwith special needs, that needs
other care.
What can we do to help?
Then you got the extreme housemakeover people just giving you
(22:03):
stuff.
How is that not us?
I mean more or less.
I got a special needs adult,kind of now, kind of Don't,
nobody come at me from thespecial needs community.
What I'm saying is it's a bigenough tent for people to
recognize what all it is we'redoing.
So stand up, speak loud, be anagitator.
(22:27):
That's why I got on my DeltaVote shirt.
We about agitation and changingthe world and making it better.
I think Zeddy would want us todo this too.
If she could tell me to gofight for caregivers and change
legislation and try to changehow community views us, I'm
(22:48):
pretty sure she would do it.
My mom fought for what wasbetter, what was right, her
whole life.
I really do love y'all.
Mother's Day means so much morethan flowers or candy or a
family dinner.
(23:08):
It literally is the bedrock ofall humanity.
Who is the mama, big Mama, nana, noni, whatever you want to
call it, the matriarch, theperson who makes sure everybody
gets what they need.
The person who makes us getalong forces us to have the hard
(23:35):
conversations, and I'm justtrying to say I want somebody to
come and tell me what familycaregiver ain't doing that.
So that's my soapbox for today.
But happy Mother's Day to you.
However you want to definemother, you know how I decided
(23:57):
and what I'm doing with it.
But you know, I'm J Smiles, I'ma comedian and I don't have a
problem doing things just alittle bit differently.
The snuggle ups number one.
What if the universe isspecifically giving you an
opportunity to grow Through thisthing called caregiving?
(24:19):
You know, just don't don't getpissed off with me too quickly.
What if A softer side of youcan develop?
You can be more Patient,perhaps Less self-centered, less
(24:42):
self-centered.
What if the universe actuallyis pushing you to grow deeper,
wider?
What have you into?
A personality that is going tohelp the world's whole vibration
grow higher or get higher?
(25:04):
What if a part of being acaregiver is actually improving
who you are Now?
It sucks.
The work sucks.
Don't nobody want to Woo itsucks.
It sucks that your LO needs itand it sucks what you have to do
.
But since we already here, I'mjust saying just think about it.
(25:28):
Whatever or whoever you believein, what if that divineness and
that major omnipotent power isbackdoor making you a better
person Is backdoor making you abetter person, because how in
(25:55):
the world would your skills notbenefit you in other areas?
All right, I'm just sayingNumber two, mother's Day.
Contact someone that you haven'ttalked to in a while but you
respect and admire how theymother.
They may not have mothered you,they may not have mothered your
friends.
It could be a co-worker,somebody in church, a neighbor,
(26:18):
somebody that works at the localgrocery store that you just
happen to know a lot about them.
Y'all know how it is.
Sometimes you are at thegrocery store, you checking
stuff out, but you always get inMiss Betty line and Miss Betty
is telling you all about hergrandkids.
You know which grandkid is inthe army, which one is on crack,
which one is working forCoca-Cola.
You got, you know all of it.
(26:39):
So maybe you just stop by andtell Miss Betty happy Mother's
Day.
Or, if it's somebody that youhave a telephone number or email
for, call them.
Often we get so caught up inwhatever is making us sad that
we don't take the opportunity tomake another person happy that
(27:02):
we don't take the opportunity tomake another person happy.
And in extending yourself tomake another human happy, that
boomerang baby, it's going tocatch you right up in your heart
and catch you by the neck.
Catch you by the neck.
You'd be like did I just makemyself happy by telling Miss
Betty happy Mother's Day?
(27:24):
Yeah, you did, and you knowwhat.
And you can tell her on Mondayor the Thursday after.
I also have not met the motherwho ain't ready to hear happy
Mother's Day on any freaking dayof the year.
Number three yo.
This is your life.
What you going to do with it?
What you going to make of it?
Right now, a great portion ofyour life is being a caregiver
(27:49):
If your LO is not with you.
You still remember what that'slike.
What are you going to do withyour life, starting right now?
How much are you going to letdespair and dreary drain you?
How much and for how long andfor how many days?
Celebrate the fact that you arealive and that you are much
(28:15):
healthier than your LO?
Whatever your thing is, if youwatch it or listen, you're
healthier than them.
Like legit something as smallas today.
Smile at a stranger on purposeMake eye contact and then smile.
(28:37):
It can be from across thestreet.
You ain't gotta wave.
You don't have to ask him howyou're doing.
What's your name?
Anybody?
Go out your comfort zone.
The more you exude humanity,the easier this journey becomes.
(29:01):
All right, holler at y'alllater.
Thank you for tuning in.
I mean really, really, really.
Thank you so very much fortuning in, whether you're
watching this on YouTube or ifyou're listening on your
favorite podcast audio platform.
Either way, wherever you are,subscribe, come back.
(29:24):
That's the way you gonna knowwhen we do something next.
Y'all know how it is.
I'm J Smiles.
I might just drop something hotin the middle of the night.
Happy Mother's Day, parenting Up community, and I
mean it from the depths of mysoul, from your girl, Jay Smiles
.
Happy Mother's Day I want youto lean into.
Whatever love means to you,whatever being supported means
to you, whatever having someoneunconditionally have your back.
(00:23):
Now, maybe it was not yourmother, maybe the woman who
actually birthed you is not theone who gives you those fuzzies.
Don't let that distract youfrom the higher meaning of what
Mother's Day was created to do.
So what woman has given youthat wink, that love, that
(00:48):
encouragement in spirituality,in professionalism, in
socializing, in relationshipswith somebody romantic?
Who's that woman?
Or maybe it's even a cluster ofwomen.
If you are so fortunate and solucky as to have like a uh, a
(01:10):
tribunal of women who just theygot you Now, they might put
their elbow in your neck thatwas me smacking my elbow If you
don't show up in a way that theythink you should.
But that's cool, that's cool.
So, happy Mother's Day to youand to the village of women who
(01:36):
have made you who you are.
Parenting up caregivingadventures with comedian Jay
Smiles is the intense journey ofunexpectedly being fully
responsible for my mama.
For over a decade I've beenchipping away at the unknown,
advocating for her and pushingAlzheimer's awareness on anyone
(01:57):
and anything with a heartbeat.
Spoiler alert this shit isheavy.
That's why I started doingcomedy, so be ready for the
jokes.
Caregiver newbies, ogs andvillage members just willing to
prop up a caregiver you are inthe right place.
(02:17):
Hi, this is Betty.
I hope you enjoy my daughter'spodcast.
You got okay.
Today's supporter shout outcomes from YouTube, kathy B6358.
(02:39):
I quote I know that support wasunbelievable.
We got likes and thumbs up andall kinds of stuff, thank you.
Thank you, captain B6358.
If you want to receive asupporter shout out, then you
know what to do.
Go to Apple Podcasts or YouTubeor Instagram.
(03:02):
We are parenting up on allthose platforms.
Okay, tell us what you like,give us that review, make your
comment.
That feedback really does makea difference, not only in the
algorithm, but what content webring you next.
(03:28):
Today's episode caregivingmotherhood in disguise.
$33 billion that's what wespent in the United States on
Mother's Day last year.
The year before, that wasactually two billion more
(03:52):
dollars.
Ok, so I don't know how y'alltreat your mama the other days,
but woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
She get them gifts, she getsthat dinner.
And why do we do that?
She gets them gifts, she getsthat dinner, and why do we do
that?
Why do we shower those women onthat day with so much love,
affection and attention?
(04:26):
I think about it all the timebecause it depends on really how
you define a mother, as to whoabout to get part of that gift
and that chicken meal onMother's Day.
In a Troy sense, parenting upfamily.
I'm not a mother, if you, ifyou like, how we define this
thing, who are you asking?
You asking a neighbor, or areyou asking the dictionary?
Well, the dictionary, first ofall, a mother is the word mother
.
Well, we are talking about themother, the bad word mother, but
(04:57):
mother can be a verb or a noun.
I am a mom, but mothers do Allright about that, because I
think there's some other peopleout there like me who might not
recognize that, though a humandid not come out of your private
parts, you are indeed a mother.
So Oxford Dictionary says thata mother is defined as bringing
(05:20):
up with care and affection.
Okay, parenting up community.
You bringing up your parent,your spouse, your sibling.
You bringing them up, youkeeping them alive If they have
dementia, alzheimer's,parkinson's, any of that stuff,
if you stop your care right now,they're going to die very soon.
(05:47):
Well, okay, I, I okay.
Hold on.
I don't want to be too bold ony'all.
Let's just say they're livinglonger because of you.
So are you kind of a mother?
You know what I mean Like andthis is even more, I think,
telling for us in the caregivingcommunity when you ask a woman
(06:11):
who has been defined in currentsociety as a mother, hey, tell
us what you think it means to bea mom.
What's the difference betweenyou and other people?
And I quote being a mother isselfless.
You're giving unconditionallove and you're putting the
(06:34):
needs of your kid above yourself.
Now I'm going to just sit backin this chair that I'm in and
I'm going to let everybody inthe sound and the vision the
sound of my voice and the visionof my face, depending on how
you are absorbing this podcastepisode Think about that.
How the hell is that not theparenting up community?
(06:55):
That's all we do.
We are selfless.
It's unconditional love, and weare so putting our LOs above
ourself, our loved ones, anybodywho's new to the community?
We are FCGs, family caregivers.
We don't get paid, we pay.
We actually pay money to be acaregiver.
(07:19):
It's so silly.
It's so silly and it's we alsopay with our emotions, with our
bodies, the the relationshipsthat we lose, because when you
go 10 toes down this caregivingworld, it's a haze.
Maybe we should start asorority and a fraternity,
(07:42):
because it is a haze or it'smilitary like, and then you got
to get up at this time and behome at this time and don't be
AWOL.
You know what I mean.
Leave without absence, withoutleave, meaning they didn't tell
you you could be gone.
I tell you what if Zeddy'scaregivers text or call me and I
(08:02):
don't respond, within theymight give me 30 minutes.
They start calling all my linesisters.
I'm a Delta.
I am sitting right now in somein a shirt that's red.
It has votes, votes stitchedacross it and where the O would
be is our crest.
(08:23):
And I'm so Delta-tified becausethat's a big thing that my mom
and I share.
My nails are white, except myring finger is red, because I
don't know if y'all know thereason why, supposedly you put
your ring finger, your weddingring, on the left hand and the
finger second to the pinky isthat's the one that the vein or
(08:47):
something goes right up to yourheart.
Whatever.
I'm not a doctor, I'm justsaying that's what they threw
out there.
And so that one I have coloredred with some little white
sparkles on it for all mydeltarin, and I got the same
thing on my toes.
My toes are white, with the bigtoe being red.
And what does all this mean, jay?
(09:12):
Why are you telling us all ofthis?
You can define mother howeveryou want to.
That's what I'm trying to tellyou.
I'm trying to tell you tocelebrate yourself in being a
caregiver.
So if your mother is the personyou're caring for and maybe you
all can't exchange gifts orpleasantries, you can't hug and
kiss her and know that sherecognizes what you're doing you
(09:33):
can celebrate yourself onMother's Day and you know what
else you could ask people tocelebrate you.
You can.
You know what.
Everybody's walking aroundtelling people how they identify
.
You can say, as a familycaregiver on Mother's Day, I
identify as being very motherlyto this person I'm caring for
(09:55):
and I am open for all gifts,parties, dinners and anything
y'all want to give me.
We have to advocate forourselves.
A whole lot of people don'tknow what we need.
They don't know if we considerourselves to be parents.
That's a tricky issue.
(10:15):
I don't consider myself aparent.
I consider myself my mama'scaregiver, but in the broadest
definition of being a mother, Iwant to go ahead and say I am
killing it, I am mothering thehell out of my mama.
I don't even know what thatmeans.
We're going to have to come upwith some new words.
I mean, if Beyonce can makeBuddha delicious a word, we
(10:36):
ought to be able to make a newword for when you mama, your
mama, what are you?
You the mama, mama, I'm thedouble mama.
I'm the mama over the mama,mama under the mama Parenting up
community.
What we do is hard.
We don't have a moment in timewhere we get celebrated like
(10:58):
traditional parents do, butwe're doing as much, much or
maybe even more.
And before anybody jumps on me,what do you mean by more, jay?
What I mean by more is wedidn't plan to be here.
Biological parents do plan tohave a kid.
(11:20):
Even if they didn't plan to getpregnant, they did say we're
going to go ahead and keep thisbaby and we're going to raise
this child.
That was a decision that theyknew in advance and most people
actually like yeah, I want to bea parent Because you want to
have a little kid, a littlemini-me and whatever.
(11:41):
Leave my DNA on the world.
I have yet to hear any familycaregiver say, oh, I'm so happy
that my mama or my daddy isfalling apart and they need me.
I just haven't.
I've yet to hear it, not onetime, even for caregivers who
(12:07):
may enjoy the work.
How did you in advance thinkabout your mom or your dad
crashing out so early in lifethat now you got to take care of
them or be in charge of theiraffairs?
I ain't mad at nobody, no, no.
(12:28):
So I you know what I'madvocating for us taking a chunk
out of Mother's Day for ourself.
And heaven, shmevens, if youare part of that sandwich
community where you actuallyhave a child, somebody who is a
minor or younger than you, andyou got your parent, you should
(12:50):
take the Saturday off beforeMother's Day and the Monday
after the Sunday you need.
I am calling that's what I'mJames Miles is calling.
I'm calling a three day weekendif you in the sandwich
generation, because one day isbecause of your kids, the other
day is because of this loved one, this parent that you care for,
(13:10):
and then the third day isbecause that's the day that they
giving to everybody else whoain't even doing as much as you.
Right, that's ain't nobody gottime for that.
Hey, what's up?
Parented Up family.
Guess what?
Have you ever wanted to connectwith other caregivers?
You wanna see more behind thescenes footage?
(13:33):
Wanna know what me and Zeddyare doing?
I know you do All things.
Jsmiles are finally ready foryou, even when I go live.
Uh-huh, do it now with us onPatreon.
Join us in the Patreoncommunity.
(13:53):
Catch everything we're doing.
Visit patreoncom forward.
Slash JSmilesStudios with an S.
Zetty defined herself as amother more than anything else.
She told me all the time thatbeing a mom changed the
(14:16):
trajectory of her life and thatit mattered most to her what I
thought about, what she wasdoing or what our relationship
was.
So I do lean into that and Iuse that a lot when the dark,
dark, dark night comes and stuffisn't going so well.
(14:37):
Dark night comes and stuffisn't going so well.
In my instance, my mom reallycared about me.
First, she did all the thingsand whatever she didn't do she
got somebody else to do, and youknow what else.
When it didn't work, she wouldtell me baby mama made a mistake
(15:04):
, or I know you said you wantedthis, but you can't have that
because I don't have no money,or you can't have that because I
gotta go out of town.
She would explain it to me.
So there was what Conversationand communication which,
generically speaking, women, Ibetter add.
I'm just going to go ahead andcall that out there.
(15:25):
There's some study somewhere,statistically, so you go look it
up if you don't believe me.
But I'm just going to stand tentoes down on that.
And Zetty would make sure that,no matter what, we were together
on Mother's Day.
There were times when I waseither in somewhere getting a
(15:45):
degree in somebody's universityor working and I couldn't be
with her.
I couldn't get home toMontgomery Alabama.
Your girl would tell her mamaand my daddy Well I'm, I will
see y'all later.
On Mother's Day I'm going to bewith my child because she can't
come home.
All of that helps me when timesare stressful and strenuous.
(16:15):
As her caregiver, I actuallylean into the thought of what
Mother's Day and what it being amother is about.
It's selfless, put the needs ofothers before your own.
But we hear about that in somany other parts of life.
People who are in the militarysay that's the only way it works
(16:36):
is that you got to put thewhole unit above yourself and
then, whatever your commandersay, oh, in these corporations
OK, the ones that we likethere's a board of directors and
you know you got to do what'sbest for the shareholders and
what's best for your employees,even if it's not what you want
to do.
All of this strings togetherlike not what you want to do.
All of this strings togetherLike the main points of what
(17:06):
being a mother is are the sameparameters that define the best
teams in the world, find thebest teams on the world, in the
world.
That's how bad ass being amother is.
(17:30):
That if you know how to do that, you can do anything else
Academically, professionally,socially, blah.
Go for it, because you areputting the greater good and the
whole team or the whole projectahead of.
Well, you know, I just I reallythought we should make the
(17:52):
thing blue.
Well, whatever, nobody wants itto be blue.
I'm speaking of now like if youwere a product designer, which
I was a few iterations ofcareers ago.
(18:12):
I hope you all are feeling mereal hard on this mother thing,
because it we throw the wordaround so much and everybody
doesn't really lean into it andgrasp it Right, because then you
got you have stepmoms, you haveadoptive moms, you got bonus
moms.
We can get rid of all thoseother stuff and those adjectives
.
The thing is, you're a mother.
There's a reason why all theathletes, when they got the $100
(18:36):
million thing, they look intothe camera and they say thank
you, mom.
It doesn't mean that theirdaddy was absent, it don't even
mean that he wasn't a greatfather, but it's something to
that thing of being a mother andyou don't have to have birthed
(18:57):
the child for you to be a mother.
That's what we know in societynow.
So many of us are mothers.
Don't let anybody fight you forthat, because if you're doing
the work of mothers, how come?
I mean you can, you can use thetitle or not, but the point is
(19:19):
you're doing the work.
I don't know how many of youperhaps wanted to have children
and either did not or could not.
Maybe biologically you couldn't, or maybe you looked up and you
were 50 and, like dang, Iforgot to have a kid.
(19:43):
I was busy running thesestreets or crashing these glass
ceilings and I just didn't getaround to it.
Anyway, right now you somewhere, you childless and you know
you're not going to have a child, childless, and you know you're
not going to have a child butdoes it really mean that there's
(20:03):
no part of you that is alreadygiving out mothering stuff?
Alright, now, okay, and toeverybody who actually has a kid
that you are raising from liketwo or four or zero age, or
eight or 12.
Don't be blowing your horn andgetting in my DMs mad like Jay,
(20:31):
but that's I'm not saying thatyour mothering is unworthy, it's
like two, it's more than oneway to them all.
It's more than one way to be amother and as family caregivers.
(20:54):
And while we're in, I believe,like a critical point in the
fight of our life, for us to getresources, acknowledgement, you
know, time off, work, paidleave, insurance, all of this
kind of stuff.
First thing is people got torecognize what all we're really
doing.
If they knew we were doing theequivalent of being a mother for
(21:20):
an adult that is almost like akid I think we'd get a whole lot
more respect, because everybodyrespects the air quote role of
being a mother.
And you fool around and tellsomebody that you're the mother
of someone with special needsman, people, the people.
(21:42):
You know what the dealershipmight give you a car, oh my
goodness, no, you're a young mom, You're a mom an unexpected mom
and then your baby comes outwith special needs, that needs
other care.
What can we do to help?
Then you got the extreme housemakeover people just giving you
(22:03):
stuff.
How is that not us?
I mean more or less.
I got a special needs adult,kind of now, kind of Don't,
nobody come at me from thespecial needs community.
What I'm saying is it's a bigenough tent for people to
recognize what all it is we'redoing.
So stand up, speak loud, be anagitator.
(22:27):
That's why I got on my DeltaVote shirt.
We about agitation and changingthe world and making it better.
I think Zeddy would want us todo this too.
If she could tell me to gofight for caregivers and change
legislation and try to changehow community views us, I'm
(22:48):
pretty sure she would do it.
My mom fought for what wasbetter, what was right, her
whole life.
I really do love y'all.
Mother's Day means so much morethan flowers or candy or a
family dinner.
(23:08):
It literally is the bedrock ofall humanity.
Who is the mama, big Mama, nana, noni, whatever you want to
call it, the matriarch, theperson who makes sure everybody
gets what they need.
The person who makes us getalong forces us to have the hard
(23:35):
conversations, and I'm justtrying to say I want somebody to
come and tell me what familycaregiver ain't doing that.
So that's my soapbox for today.
But happy Mother's Day to you.
However you want to definemother, you know how I decided
(23:57):
and what I'm doing with it.
But you know, I'm J Smiles, I'ma comedian and I don't have a
problem doing things just alittle bit differently.
The snuggle ups number one.
What if the universe isspecifically giving you an
opportunity to grow Through thisthing called caregiving?
(24:19):
You know, just don't don't getpissed off with me too quickly.
What if A softer side of youcan develop?
You can be more Patient,perhaps Less self-centered, less
(24:42):
self-centered.
What if the universe actuallyis pushing you to grow deeper,
wider?
What have you into?
A personality that is going tohelp the world's whole vibration
grow higher or get higher?
(25:04):
What if a part of being acaregiver is actually improving
who you are Now?
It sucks.
The work sucks.
Don't nobody want to Woo itsucks.
It sucks that your LO needs itand it sucks what you have to do
.
But since we already here, I'mjust saying just think about it.
(25:28):
Whatever or whoever you believein, what if that divineness and
that major omnipotent power isbackdoor making you a better
person Is backdoor making you abetter person, because how in
(25:55):
the world would your skills notbenefit you in other areas?
All right, I'm just sayingNumber two, mother's Day.
Contact someone that you haven'ttalked to in a while but you
respect and admire how theymother.
They may not have mothered you,they may not have mothered your
friends.
It could be a co-worker,somebody in church, a neighbor,
(26:18):
somebody that works at the localgrocery store that you just
happen to know a lot about them.
Y'all know how it is.
Sometimes you are at thegrocery store, you checking
stuff out, but you always get inMiss Betty line and Miss Betty
is telling you all about hergrandkids.
You know which grandkid is inthe army, which one is on crack,
which one is working forCoca-Cola.
You got, you know all of it.
(26:39):
So maybe you just stop by andtell Miss Betty happy Mother's
Day.
Or, if it's somebody that youhave a telephone number or email
for, call them.
Often we get so caught up inwhatever is making us sad that
we don't take the opportunity tomake another person happy that
(27:02):
we don't take the opportunity tomake another person happy.
And in extending yourself tomake another human happy, that
boomerang baby, it's going tocatch you right up in your heart
and catch you by the neck.
Catch you by the neck.
You'd be like did I just makemyself happy by telling Miss
Betty happy Mother's Day?
(27:24):
Yeah, you did, and you knowwhat.
And you can tell her on Mondayor the Thursday after.
I also have not met the motherwho ain't ready to hear happy
Mother's Day on any freaking dayof the year.
Number three yo.
This is your life.
What you going to do with it?
What you going to make of it?
Right now, a great portion ofyour life is being a caregiver
(27:49):
If your LO is not with you.
You still remember what that'slike.
What are you going to do withyour life, starting right now?
How much are you going to letdespair and dreary drain you?
How much and for how long andfor how many days?
Celebrate the fact that you arealive and that you are much
(28:15):
healthier than your LO?
Whatever your thing is, if youwatch it or listen, you're
healthier than them.
Like legit something as smallas today.
Smile at a stranger on purposeMake eye contact and then smile.
(28:37):
It can be from across thestreet.
You ain't gotta wave.
You don't have to ask him howyou're doing.
What's your name?
Anybody?
Go out your comfort zone.
The more you exude humanity,the easier this journey becomes.
(29:01):
All right, holler at y'alllater.
Thank you for tuning in.
I mean really, really, really.
Thank you so very much fortuning in, whether you're
watching this on YouTube or ifyou're listening on your
favorite podcast audio platform.
Either way, wherever you are,subscribe, come back.
(29:24):
That's the way you gonna knowwhen we do something next.
Y'all know how it is.
I'm J Smiles.
I might just drop something hotin the middle of the night.
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